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in-tua-deep · 3 years

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idk if you still do au ideas but what if delores was a real person in the apocalypse? how it woul dbe done i have no idea but i love all your aus and thought it would be cool

okay okay I don't tend to go for real!Dolores aus admittedly because I find her much more compelling as what she is: a reflection of five himself and a symptom of his crushing loneliness

but i started thinking about it and you know what?? i think five deserves a little socialization, as a treat

so say like, 0.5% of the population is resistant to abilities. Allison would really struggle to rumor them, Five wouldn't be able to jump with them, and, most importantly, whatever the fuck Vanya's ability does has like, reduced damage or something

and the og apocalypse isn't the moon apocalypse, so let's say that it was pure waves of Vanya's powers that fucked over the earth

so 0.5% of the population survives the apocalypse. though, let's be honestly, the real number is a lot smaller than that. People who might have survived Vanya's initial power wave (miraculously) did not survive buildings crushing them or survive the car/plane/bus/train/other transportation crashes or survive being left alone when they are too young to reliably look after themselves, or the variety of other problems that come with 99.5% of the population dying at once

So, Five arrives in the apocalypse and is met with ruin and fire and a whole lot of dead people. He finds his siblings, but it doesn't matter. They're dead. He doesn't even recognize them at first, these strange grown-ups who he identifies not by their faces but by the umbrellas on their wrists that match his own

As he realizes the full impact of his situation, he hears a voice that says, very succinctly, "holy shit!"

It's a girl a few years older than Five himself, maybe 15 or 16, and she is very excited to see another survivor.

And here's where I u-turn this au around bc i'm not all that interested in real!Dolores, but I would be down to talk about Five meeting survivors in the apocalypse, because if Dolores is real I don't buy no one else survived.

So Dolores shows up and see a Literal Child crying over the corpses of his family and assumes that Five is a fellow survivor, and she immediately grabs him up. Five is incoherent with grief at this point anyway, so he doesn't even protest when she basically hauls him away from the bodies. She's babbling at him, but he doesn't really hear anything she's saying

And then she takes him to her dad

(Why not, let's have the 1% potentially be a heritable thing)

and her dad, let's call him just some dad name. like Rick. it has been a fucking WEEK for him, okay. he had his daughter with him, his ex-wife is on the other coast for her work, and by some miracle he survived the apocalypse and so did his child, and he's been wracking his brains trying to figure out what the fuck to do next

and then his daughter shows up with a traumatized thirteen-year-old in tow

now rick is a good dude. he's a dad. they get out of five that his name is five ("what the fuck" dolores mouths to him over five's shoulder and rick can't help but agree) and the bodies he found were his siblings ("Dad and Ben and Vanya weren't there though," this child cries desperately and rick feels his own heart clench in response, "They might still be alive!")

"We can look for them." Rick assures his new adopted child, because he is an adult in a fresh apocalypse and this kid has presumably lost everything he's ever known (more than rick even knows at the time)

and they do. They each get wagons and they go out and find supplies and look for other survivors. Five is... surprisingly helpful and also surprisingly docile as he is able to rely on Someone Else to give orders while he attempts to (dissociate) process what the fuck has happened

and here's the thing: Five prides himself on being independent, sort of. He's independent for a child soldier, but he's used to taking orders from a male authority figure and Rick happens to be just that

The first time that Five does something dangerous and Rick yells is a revelation

(Rick isn't sure if he hopes that Five's dad is alive or not, because if they find that man alive then Rick might just kill the jackass himself. Also like, Five is bizarrely knowledgeable out survival skills, like way too knowledgeable about it, which is helpful for them but also very concerning)

they find a newspaper and Five finds the article that mentions his father's recent death ("Huh. Heart attack." Five says, and there is no emotion in his voice)

(Years later, years later, Five and Rick talk. "I don't think I wanted to find him, either." Five admits, softly because Dolores is asleep, "I think I was more scared of finding him alive than I was of finding his body. He would've been so mad at me, I think.")

this newspaper is how Rick and Dolores find out about Five being Number Five, Umbrella Academy Missing Person

"Dude, what the fuck." Dolores says, wide eyes, "You're like, thirty?"

"I'm thirteen." Five says, and then checks the date on the newspaper again, "Also I think I would technically be 29 if I lived through all of it, 'cause it's April and my birthday is in October."

"You... time travelled?" Rick asks, which is honestly the more relevant question, "Can you go back?"

And Five just,,, crumples on himself. Because he tried, he tried really hard. It didn't work. "I'm gonna figure it out. I'm gonna go back, I'm going to save them."

That, Rick thinks, is a lot of weight to put on one person's shoulders, but especially the shoulders of a child.

"Alright." Rick says, because what else can he say after finding out his new child has superpowers and is from like, 2004? "What do you need?"

("Oh my god I have so many memes to teach you." Dolores says later, reverently. Five blinks in confusion and Rick mentally prepares himself for the recitation of so many vines)

And it's easier, somehow. Five sometimes feels like it's a betrayal, but he settles into apocalypse life with an ease that surprises him.

He lets Rick fuss over him and help tie his scarf securely around his head every morning before he sets off on supply runs with Dolores. And they're kids! Five has never had a friend before, and Dolores is funny and smart and she's struggling just as much as he is.

"I don't know if my mom's alive." She says to him, in solidarity when he checks the face of every corpse to see if they're Vanya.

Five is practical in the way only a child soldier can be. He's economical with the room in their wagons, carefully examining what might and what might not be useful.

Dolores, on the other hand, constantly takes up space with what Five sees as useless shit.

"Excuse you," Dolores says, shoving a game of monopoly, the entire discworld series, and a pack of glitter gel pens into her wagon, "These are absolutely vital apocalypse supplies."

She challenges him, plays with him in a way no one ever has. "I bet you I can find more batteries today than you can," She grins at him, "Winner gets to pick dinner first?"

"You're on." Five says, directly before Dolores pulls two packs of 24 AA batteries from behind her back, like a cheat.

Dolores makes him take a ten minute break when they find a playground that has been mostly not-destroyed. They rummage around kids backpacks and mother's handbags for some good loot, too numb to corpses to even be bothered all that badly about the corpses they belong to.

"I'm getting on the swings." Dolores says when Five starts making noises about moving on, "I haven't been on a swingset in ages."

"What's the point?" Five grumps.

"Don't be sour because you can't swing as high as I can!" Dolores laughs, getting higher and higher as the swings creak ominously.

Five grumpily gets into the other swing and grudgingly kicks himself back and forth until Dolores takes pity on him and teaches him how to properly move his legs and body to get higher and higher.

Dolores jumps from the swing seat and lands with a flourish and smile. Five jumps out of his seat and then jumps, warping right in front of Dolores and making her yell and hit at him in outrage. Five smiles the widest he has all week.

This is how Five grows up in the apocalypse, with Dolores teasing him into taking breaks and leaning over his shoulder to look at his math and scandalizing him by stating that she'd only just started on matrices in her own high school math class.

Every night they huddle around Rick while he picks up whatever book Dolores picked out that day because it is a travesty that Five has never read hunger games or whatever, and then they read together because it would be a genuine blood bath if they all took turns. The first time Five accidentally mentioned a spoiler and Dolores genuinely considered murder was the birthday of this tradition

Some days the air is too smoky or there are dust storms or it's just plain too dangerous to go out, and they all stay in. Dolores regales Five with stories about public school, and Five tells them about his siblings.

Then they all cry

"I shouldn't be crying." Five sobs.

"Shut the fuck up," Dolores sobs back, "You literally watched me lose my shit over remembering my shitty eighth grade dance and listened to me sob-sing toxic for like four hours."

"In fairness I also wished you would shut up then."

"Let me hug you or I will start singing songs that I only remember the chorus for again you absolute fucker."

"I could always sing some -"

"No, Rick/Dad."

And Five grows up. Rick shows him how to shave very carefully in front of cracked mirrors. Dolores teases him every time his voice cracks. Rick tells Five in no uncertain terms that he loves and cares for him, and that Reginald was a little bitch. There are a lot of heartfelt conversations around that, honestly. Rick telling Five that he and the siblings deserved better, that they were children and deserved to have a childhood.

And that he has faith in Five. Rick and Dolores both do, they bring him back paper and pens and pencils and chalk and anything Five can use to write equations. They poke around any libraries for books on theoretical mathematics and quantum physics. Rick and Dolores go out scouting for food while Five stays home and can work longer.

They also make him take breaks, make sure that he's looking after himself.

They're a little better off than OG!Five when it comes to food, because some animals survive. Enough that Rick figures out how to hunt. Five is the first one to each bugs, and even though Dolores makes faces they all start eating bugs as well.

"Pretty sure there's loads of cultures that eat bugs." Rick says grudgingly, wondering if he should try stirfry the cockroaches and if that would improve the taste. "There's even, uh, cricket flour or whatever, right?"

"Plus you eat like, five spiders a year when you're asleep." Dolores says cheerfully, just to watch her dad's face scrunch up in displeasure.

"That doesn't sound true, but I don't know enough about spiders to dispute it." Five mutters, and Dolores gives him such a proud look that it makes him roll his eyes.

They're in their thirties when Rick dies. He's out foraging and hunting, and the rubble he's standing on gives way and he ends up with a gash in his leg. He manages to stop the bleeding, but the world is filthy and they don't have any antibiotics.

He gets an infection.

"It's okay." He tells both of his kids, "It's okay. I'm just so glad that you guys have each other, y'hear? I'm so glad."

"It's not okay." Five says, voice thick and choked, "It's not."

"Yeah, well, you're going to figure out how to go back, right? Go back in time and save everyone. Then I'll have never died, right?" Rick smiles, "And even if you don't, I'll be waiting for you on the other side and we'll see each other again anyway."

"I'm going to fix it."

"I know. I have faith in you, Five." Ricks says honestly, and that's more than Reginald ever said.

They sit quietly together while Dolores is out scavenging. They've been taking turns sitting with Rick.

"I won't remember you, in the past, will I?" Rick says rhetorically, but Five answers anyway.

"I don't think so."

Rick hums, "Well, doesn't matter. If you need help in the past, you come to me, y'hear?"

"You won't remember me."

"Doesn't matter. You come find me, and you tell me your crazy story until I believe you, and then I'll help you." Rick says firmly, "You're family. You're my son. Timelines? Don't matter. If you need help, with anything, even if it's just with - with filling out a bowling team or something -"

"I have never been bowling in my life and you know it." Five interrupts, but it makes him laugh just a little bit which was clearly Rick's intention.

"Well who knows what you'll get up to in the past! You'll be able to go bowling, you know. Get to wear those uncomfortable shoes. Hey, you go far enough back maybe you can go to Dolores's tenth birthday party and put me out of my misery."

"Was she bad at bowling?"

"Oh, she was wiping the floor with me. No contest."

"Honestly, that sounds absolutely accurate."

"Shut up, bowling just wasn't my sport. Regardless, the point was that I'm giving you a free pass to come and get me. Because I know you, I know how you think." Rick brings up his hand to tap his finger against Five's forehead, "You get it into your head that you need to go it alone, take it all on your shoulders. I'm telling you that if you do that I'll somehow manifest my memories and come smack you over the head for being stupid, you hear?"

"I'm not dragging you into anything." Five says firmly, "I'll have my siblings."

"Who were also children." Rick points out. "And dragging? Dragging is such a strong word for a volunteer."

"A volunteer who won't remember volunteering." Five shoots back.

Rick just shrugs, and then winces when the movement jolts his bad leg. "Five, I'm going to be honest with you here. And sappy. Can you handle a bit of sappiness for a minute?"

"No."

"Well too bad. Can't leave a dying man, you'd feel too bad. So you're stuck with me. But you listen good, okay? Because you aren't dragging me into anything. Whatever life you have, I want to have a part of that. Because you're my son. Wherever you are, whatever you do, I want to help because you're family. What you'd be doing by leaving me out of it is depriving me of someone I love, depriving me of knowing one of the best kids I've ever known."

"Shut up." Five says, choked.

"Nope, it's sappy time." Rick states, "Maybe asking you to come find me is selfish, but I don't care. No matter what version of me exists, I want to be in your life."

"My life is a walking joke, why would you want any part of that?"

"It has been my privilege to watch you grow up. To help you. To be here for you. Of course I'd want to be there to watch you grow up the rest of the way."

"But -"

"Shut up, just let me tell you that I am so proud of you. You never give up, and your heart is so big. You love so much and so loudly, and it's been the highest honor of my life to be included in your family."

Five pauses for a moment to collect himself before simply saying - "You're the best dad I've ever had."

Rick snorts, "Considering my competition, I'd sure hope so. That bar was so low old Reggie was practically limbo dancing with the devil. Now get over here and give an old man a hug."

They don't bury Rick, when he dies. They don't have time and the ground is too hard and they don't have the heart to move him. Instead the pack everything up and seal him in the shelter they'd lived in.

Dolores pulls out a bottle of ancient nail polish and painstakingly writes Rick's name on the wall with his birth year and an approximate current year. They aren't 100% sure though, since time blends together out in the apocalypse, but it's something.

They continue by themselves. They get older.

Dolores jokingly calls him her husband because the way his face scrunches up makes her cackle. They see other people very occasionally, usually passing through. Usually groups. Dolores and Five get to flex their hosting skills, though more than one group declines their cockroach stirfry.

("It's a family recipe." Five says with amusement in his eyes that usually manages to drown out old grief.)

"Jeeze, that kid couldn't have been older'n twenty-three." Dolores complains, "Makes me feels positively ancient."

"They wouldn't have known any world 'cept for the apocalypse." Five muses, pouring some boiled water into wine glasses because they might be living in the apocalypse but they can be fancy.

"Do you ever think about that?" Dolores asks, turning to him with no judgement, just curiosity. "When you go back, you'll be like, erasing them from existence."

Five shrugs, "Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe this place will just split off into an alternate timeline."

"Maybe none of this is real." Dolores says, amusement coloring her voice. "Maybe you aren't talking to a real person at all. Maybe this is just a symbol of your insanity and cracked mind."

"Dolores, I literally have a scar where you stabbed me. Did I somehow manage to stab myself in the back?"

"Scraped you, I scraped you. By accident."

"So you maintain." Five says haughtily, swirling his water in his wine glass like a pretentious prick.

"I could totally be fake. You don't know my life."

"I know way too much about you, Dolores. Like, way way too much." Five scoffs, because Dolores and him have literally no secrets from one another at this point. Five even knows the truth behind what happened at Janet Scranton's thirteenth birthday party. Like, he said, way too much.

"Maybe you made it up. Maybe that's why you know so much."

"Dolores, I'm going to be honest with you right now." Five presses the tips of his fingers to his chin, "If you were a figment of my imagination, you would be so much better at math."

"Hey!" Dolores squawks indignantly, "I didn't even get to finish high school you pretentious prick!"

"Neither did I!"

"You didn't even go to high school, you brat."

"I'm fifty-two I think I've outgrown 'brat.'"

"Tell that to your attitude." Dolores says haughtily, "You're still younger than me."

"Won't be when I go back in time." Five says cheerfully, completely ignoring Dolores's venomous look.

"That's cheating."

"Sucks to suck." Five says loftily, taking another sip of his water.

Sometimes they talk about The Plan, with capital letters. What Five is going to do when he goes back in time, depending on when he pops out. Is he going to adopt his siblings? What about Reginald?

"You don't think I could kill Reginald?" Five says, holding a hand to his chest in mock offense.

"I think you should let me do it. I'll even give you control of tonight's music if you do."

"What are you doing to do? Bite his ankles? What if you're like, seven or something?"

"All the better to get away with it since I'll be too young to convict or whatever."

"Pretty sure that's not how the law works."

"How would you know? Just for that I'm playing Istanbul on repeat again."

"I don't know why you think that's a threat. That song slaps."

It takes a few more years before Five is close enough that the Commission comes to interfere. Because that's what I think happened - Five was getting too close and they stepped in because they might as well distract the man as much as they can with missions, right?

So the Handler shows up. And she offers Five a job, telling him that they have the ability to travel through time. And Five - hesitates.

"Give me some time?" Five asks, and the Handler graciously gives him 24 hours.

And he and Dolores talk it over, because now that his goal is more in sight than it has ever been and Five is scared.

"What are you waiting for? You have the chance to see your siblings again." Dolores says patiently.

"Yeah," Five says, and what he doesn't say is clear. But I won't see you.

"Five." Dolores says, and she cradles his face between her palms like he is something precious, "I have had so much time with you already. More than I would have ever. We have been so lucky, to have this time. How can I demand more than what we have already been given?"

"When have you ever not demanded the world, Dolores?" Five asks, his own hand coming up to cover Dolores's own.

"We've had decades together, Five. We're getting old. I was always going to lose you, one way or another. Nothing lasts forever."

"I don't want to lose you."

"I know. But if I had to choose a way, if I could decide where our story ends, this would be it. Letting you go, because this way you get to live. You get to see your family again. You get to save the world. I could ask for nothing more than for you to get your happy ending."

Five removes Dolores's hand from his cheek so that he can cradle it between them, "I'm happy here with you. I've never been happier. Isn't that silly? That I was happier in the apocalypse?"

"I bet killing Reggie would make you happy." Dolores laughs rustily.

"One day you're going to see the mysterious disappearance of a famous billionaire in the paper and feel a twinge of satisfaction and now have a clue why." Five laughs as well, shaking his head.

Dolores pats Five's hands, "Five, look at me. We've had our time. And you're going to give me even more of it. More time with my father. More time with my mother. I'll never know it, but you'll have saved me."

"What if this is - what if this is an alternate reality? What if I leave you here alone?"

"Then you'll be saving a 15-year-old girl from the same fate as me. Because as much as I love you, as much as I have loved this time we have had together, this is still an apocalypse. This should never have happened, and if you have a chance to go back and prevent it, then I want you to take that chance with both hands."

"Even if it means leaving you alone?"

Dolores smiles at him, "I'm not going to be alone. Far too many creepy crawlies in the apocalypse for that."

"Shut up, I'm being serious."

"Hmm." Dolores hums consideringly, "Maybe I'll head North, to that new settlement that last group said they'd heard word of. Sure they'd find some use for an old woman who's survived this long in the wilderness."

"You can have my half of the record collection." Five says, pulling her against him into a hug that she easily returns.

"As if I wouldn't have stolen them as soon as you left." She scoffs, but it's a little wet, and Five pretends his own eyes aren't leaking tears.

When The Handler comes back, Dolores gives him another hug. She also slips something into his pocket - some photos. They'd taken it a year into the apocalypse, when Dolores had found an ancient looking polaroid camera and towed it home despite Five's protests about practicality. The photos are worn and faded at the edges, but the smiles on Five's little apocalypse family's faces are undeniable.

"You'll have to see if they magically fade when you change the timeline." Dolores whispers to him with a grin, "Like in the movies."

"Okay." Five whispers back.

"You have the list of movies to watch, right?" Dolores says. Five rolls his eyes and nods because he wrote the list last night into his Vanya-book while Dolores hovered over his shoulder and critiqued his handwriting.

"And you promise to try a proper non-expired twinkie at some point?"

"That I do not promise. I think even looking at one would make me lose my lunch. I have twinkie-trauma."

"Shut up and get going." Dolores says, because the Handler is starting to tap her foot impatiently.

And off Five goes to become an assassin. Though - he's much more gentle this time. He's careful, he doesn't kill children and he usually takes jobs that don't require killing at all. He distracts and manipulates events as much as he can without killing.

He's actually much more well socialized, thanks to Rick and Dolores. Less feral child and more determined man on a mission.

Which is why he's so frustrated when he finally, finally manages to get the equations to work and falls through and falls - directly back into his stupid thirteen-year-old body.

"Shit." Five says, loudly, and revels in the surprised look on his siblings faces.

He strides into the kitchen, and they all follow him like ducklings. They look exactly the way they did when they died.

"Wow this is actually way harder than I thought it would be." Five muses, looking at their dead faces. But as Dolores would say, life is hard but you have to keep on trucking sometimes. "Whatever, what's the date?"

"Five, where have you been?" Diego demands, looking irritated. It makes Five snort in amusement.

"The future. The past. If you want like, an exact list of dates you'll have to hold your horses. I spent like, two weeks in Peru once. No souvenirs though, unfortunately."

They look taken aback, like they didn't expect Five to have quite this much sass. Oops. That is definitely Dolores's influence. Or maybe he was always a little asshole. In fairness, what teenagers aren't tiny assholes? He has an excuse.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Diego's eyebrows are furrowed in anger. It kind of takes Five aback for a second, because he remembers a Diego who stutters when he argued.

"When did you learn the fuck-word?" Five asks, raising an eyebrow before her can help it, "Grace ought to wash your mouth out with soap."

Diego immediately goes red, "Shut up!"

"Wow you're so easy to rile up. Aren't you like, twenty-something? Actually, I could figure out for myself how old you are if you gave me the date."

"I'm twenty-nine." Diego growls, like that was the point.

"Haunting!" Five says cheerfully, because that means there is way less time than he would like, narrowing his time down to a six month window.

It's extremely funny how his cheer makes all of them make faces.

It's Klaus who leans forward, "Why do you need to know?"

Klaus's face is open and curious and - (looks exactly like he did when Five found him all those years ago) - and Five can't help but answer him. "The world end on April 1st, 2019. No it isn't an April Fools joke, yes I have heard that joke like a million different times. I just want to know how close I landed so I can, you know, start working on how to fix that."

"Woah woah woah, roll it back." Allison says, holding a hand up, "What?"

"The apocalypse occurs on April 1st, 2019." Five says, slowly. "I have traveled from afar to prevent this from happening, because like, everyone dies."

"Everyone?" Vanya says weakly from the side.

She's clearly expecting to be ignored, so Five turns his head to address her directly by wiggling his hand back and forth a little. "Sort of. Like, not too many people survive at all. A handful of the human population, you know."

"But you survived?" Diego recovers admirably, if bitingly.

"Well, no." Five says rolling his eyes, "Wouldn't you just know it, Klaus here has managed to figure out a new ability!"

Everyone turns to look at Klaus, who immediately holds up his hands like he's being arrested or something, "I did not!"

"Wonderful! Now that we've established that I'm alive -"

"Why should we trust a word you say?" Luther says for the first time, looking pensive.

Five blinks, genuinely taken aback. "Because... I'm your brother? Because I can clearly and obviously time travel? Like, yeah, it would have been more convenient if I'd arrived in like, my old-body for proof-purposes, but like. I mean. Thirteen is still a pretty convincing age to be to prove time travel considering if I hadn't, I would be like, almost thirty."

"Roll it back again." Allison says firmly, "What do you mean by 'old body'?"

"Great question!" Five says pointing at Allison and smiling. Everyone looks at him weird again, and Five takes a moment to wonder if they've ever experienced positive reinforcement. Knowing Reginald, probably not. "Wait! Is Reggie alive? Wait, no, answer that in a second. Uh. When I time traveled I fucked up my body I guess, I was like, old. White hair and wrinkles-type old from spending decades in the apocalypse. But I fucked up the calculations and got booted back to my thirteen-year-old body, I guess. How, I have no idea."

"What?" Vanya says, still equally weakly.

"You have no idea how fucked up time travel is." Five whispers conspiratorially to Vanya, loud enough for the whole table to hear, "There are so many ways to die. Or permanently tear a hold in space time. But like, with life as we know if ending soon-ish, I figured I couldn't possibly fuck it up worse than it already was, y'know? Speaking of, anyone have the date again?"

"Wait, what was that about dad?" Luther asks, very focused.

"Oh, you still call him dad? Big oof." Five says automatically, because apparently his verbal filter is shot to hell after living with Dolores. It does make Klaus bark out a too-loud laugh.

"What does that mean?" Luther asks aggressively.

"It means Reginald sucks and doesn't deserve the title of 'dad,' what did you think I meant?" Five asks, and now both Diego and Vanya and both cracking smiles, though Vanya is covering hers with a hand.

"Have some respect for the dead." Luther growls, standing up and looking very large and threatening.

Five sways back, craning his head up, "Woah there big buy, sit down before I injure my poor growing spine looking up at you. Jeeze, did Reggie force feed you steroids or something? I wouldn't put it past him but like, I just want to know he at least went over the side effects of the drug with you. Also like, thanks for narrowing it down. Also terrifying! Seriously though, exact date please because if I have less than 24 hours I am going to break down crying and that is a threat."

"I love this Five." Klaus says reverently.

"March 21st." Vanya offers, finally.

"Wow! Terrifying!" Five says, clapping his hands together, "Hate that. Ten days, huh? Well, who wants to get on board the save-the-world express?"

Klaus immediately flings his hand in the air, Five points at his brother appreciatively. "Yes, excellent! I'll take the volunteer in the lovely skirt as my first team member. Any other volunteers?"

"Danke!" Klaus simpers, grinning widely like this is the vest entertainment he's had in weeks.

"I'm not just going to stand here and listen to you badmouth dad and boss us around." Luther slams his hands on the table.

"Well not with that attitude." Five snarks.

Diego raises his hand, "I would like to join team fuck dad as well."

"We can certainly debate team names later." Five says, nodding wisely as Luther gives some sort of scandalized gasp.

"Honestly, I just want to see where this is going." Klaus confesses.

Five shrugs, because he doesn't really care about the reason. "Don't you want to prove me wrong them? Prove what a well-adjusted young man Reginald Hargreeves raised?"

"Shut up." Luther grinds out, looking a moment away from throwing a punch.

"If this is all true, I have to get home." Allison cuts in, looking concerned, "I have - I have a daughter."

"I mean, if you want to give Claire a world to live in then I'd stick around, but that's just me." Five shrugs.

"You know her name?" Allison asks, obviously taken aback.

Five is almost offended, "Uh, yeah. I have her photo as well. Y'all get on like, a bizarre number of gossip magazine covers did you know that?"

Allison manages to outdo herself in terms of being taken aback once more.

There's a beat of silence, and then Five turns, "Vanya? You in?"

"Me?" Vanya blinks, looking shocked. "What can I do?"

"Yeah, what can she do?" Diego asks, crossing his arms and suddenly looking grumpy.

It baffles Five, who scrunches his nose, "Uh, like, a lot? I assume? I mean. I'm going to be honest here, just looking at y'all right now is a lot. In more ways than one! Hashtag trauma and all that, but like, name a single one of you that wouldn't be the most obvious person in the room as soon as you walked into it. Except Vanya, who somehow manages to look like a well adjusted adult, by some miracle."

"Did you just verbally say the word hashtag?" Allison asks, looking so deeply confused.

"More concerned about the trauma he tacked onto there, but y'know, to each their own." Klaus immediately cuts in.

"You think I'm well-adjusted?" Vanya asks, looking oddly touched.

"I would like to direct your attention to Diego's leather pants-scowl combo and Luther's general aura of daddy-issues." Five says pointedly, "I can practically smell the tragic comic book backstory in this room. If I'd jumped back a decade earlier this would have been Batman's wet dream of orphan selection."

"Alright! Game plan!" Five says, waving Diego's knife in his hand.

Diego's hands immediately go to his weird harness looking thing, "Hey!"

"Give me just one moment to get the tracker out." Five rolls his eyes, "Then I'll give it back, I promise. Also if someone could ask Grace for like, some antibiotics that would be good."

"What?" Allison asks, directly before Five stabs himself and there is suddenly panic at the table.

"Relax!" Five says, allowing Diego to remove the knife from his hands. He doesn't need it anyway and his hand immediately drops down to root in the wound.

"Five what the fuck!" Diego yells, but Five just pulls up bloody fingers and waves the tracker into Diego's stupefied face.

"What the fuck is that, Five?" Allison demands, looking very shaken.

"I literally just said it was a tracker." Five points out, "Now, I think our first team activity should be voting on whether we destroy it or take it out to bumfuck nowhere and ditch it to confuse the Commission."

"What the fuck is the Commission?" Diego barks.

"Man. Maybe I should just hit up Rick." Five muses, "This is going to take so much explaining."

"Who is Rick."

"So much explaining."

#survivors au #well adjusted five au #five actually has some social skills!#and an idea of what an actual parent looks like as well #klaus absolutely adores this version of five #who quotes vines and uses gen z slang with the best of them #five has been reliably informed that public education is worse than the apocalypse #but he's also pretty sure working with his family is worse as well #five: i have so much trauma lol #klaus: oh big same #vanya: mood #five is somehow the most well adjusted hargreeves #and the most responsible #he doesn't legally exist and he doesn't pay taxes but somehow he has his shit together #five showing up at rick's house: you don't know me but i know you in the future #rick: what the fuck #five: don't make me bring up bethany midler from highschool because you gave me so many embarrassing stories to convince yourself with #rick: okay okay i believe you and you are???#five: your son from the future lol what's up dad want to help save the world #five arriving back at the manor like: WHAT'S UP LOSERS RICK IS NOW YOUR DAD TOO BC GOD KNOWS Y'ALL NEED AN ACTUAL FATHER FIGURE #klaus calls rick a dilf and five kidney punches him hard enough that klaus can't even properly introduce himself #it's better for everyone that way #delores: 15 and ready to fuck someone up #delores: i'm not staying with this weirdo (diego) while you go off with my dad #five threateningly: don't make me bring up what really happened to dad's good suit in 2012 #delores: i will stay right here #rick: wait WHAT happened to my good suit #five: unimportant don't you want to save the world #long post #far tua long

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borisbubbles · 3 years

Text

ESC2021 Preshow: 20. Estonia

Uku Suviste - “The lucky one”

Semi 2, #02

youtube

Going through the motions of 2021′s shitty NF season, it was a given that the critical mass of the “2020 returnees” competing the selections in these would win them hands down.

So given how much i DISLIKED the offensively boring abomination “What love is”, and how PAINFULLY inevitable Uku’s victory in a decent Eesti Laul (um spoiler for NF corner?) seemed to be, It’s actually a shock I ended up liking Uku? But I do, lol and I’m not apologizing, sorry boos.

In fact, I was rooting for Uku to win EL as soon as I saw his performance in the semi. “The lucky one”, which suffered from Aggressive Autotune + Forgettable Melody (we need a name for this. I propose Roxen Syndrome?), is legit good live and harps back to the (admittedly better) “Pretty Little Liar”, and that’s good enough for me.

Of course, I am aware of the obvious ~*SOULLESS HIMBOT FROM THE DREAM FACTORY*~ label attached to this this entry (written by Uku and something called “Sharon Vaughn” are we certain this person isn’t just Kontopoulos in drag?), don’t worry. I rank him twentieth, not seventh.

Fortunately, Uku is a mandroid from the SAME sweatshop that gave us Lucie Jones a few years back - in other words omfg he’s barely functional. 😍 Droning robot turned incompetent DRAMA KING <333333 The amount of EFFORT that needs to be thrown in to keep a ~pretence of competence~ is the most tangible in the backing vocals, which trail Uku’s like a shadow and STILL his voicecracks come through at key intervals <3

😍😍😍😍😍

The pathos of Uku throwing in high votes he cannot sing and then his voice breaking over the strain each time, gets me, okay? He doesn’t need a crystal ball to show me, baby it’s clear that you don’t know him :SOB:. So dramatic, so inept, so unintetionally comedic, so Uku <3

In other news, this lockdown had better end soon because with each passing day I feel like I’m turning further into a cat lady.

ps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYXNeYXUmEQ&loop=0 😍😍😍

NF Corner - Eesti Laul 2021

Finally a decent Eesti Laul, lol. I wish I could say it was good, but it had one of the weirdest semi split’s I’ve ever seen. EL’s first Semi was without exaggeration the WORST show in the entire season, and the second was a contender for the BEST one across all NFs???? I suppose EXTREME Evil and EXTREME Good balance each other out in blistering adequacy?

Anyway, I’ll now proceed to ignore Koit and Egert and Karl Killing and Hans and all the other bad (non-Linna/non-Kéa) entries from semi 1, and proceed to an NF Corner composed ENTIRELY of semi 2 songs :-)

Jüri Pootsmann - “Magus Melanhoolia”

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It was between Sissi and Jüri for the Token Superfinalist Contender slot on this list, and Jüri is infinitely more notable. Sorry, Sis ur time (to win Eesti Laul?) will come once you figure out to write good music :(

Anyway, what can I even say about Jüri because lmfao what a baffling entry. Registered BARITONE JÜRI POOTSMANN coming back with a an experimental lounge jazz song that is song almost entirely in falsetto. 😍 The camera angles <3 the fact that this already INCREDEBLY short song includes 10 seconds of Jüri standing on the stage looking bored <3 what a fucking baffling entry, I have no opinions, only exclamations of surprise.

REDEL - “Tarttu”

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I HAAAATED “Tarttu” on first listen. 😂😂😂😂 but seriously though, this is downright epic. The UNPLUGGED Meiekündimees MADNESS of it all, now condenced into a equally nonsensical song that is basically like “X is a wooden town but NONE OF THEM ARE AS WOODEN TOWNY AS TARTTU. *incoherent kazoo noises*” 😍😍😍 Once got the chorus stuck in my head at the zoo as I was watching the penguins getting fed and it was one of the most bizarre synesthesic experiences I’ve ever had lmfao <3

Gram-of-Fun - “Lost in a dance”

youtube

If you’re wondering what the sort of music I listen to Eurovision is like - this is it. INCREDIBLY good and addictive and EMOTIONALLY tangible 80s New Wave is my fucking jam, can we have entries like this in EVERY selection from here on out? WELL DONE Kristel... on composing this wonderful song, less so on the Kazka-esque vocals that caused it to tragically NQ in the semi. 🙄 Still, BRING THEM BACK (and restrict Kristel to a songwriter only role, plz.)

Gram-of-Fun were my fave, but because they NQ’d somebody else had to fill their shoes in the finale. I’ll now reveal who it was

Kadri Voorand - “Energy”

youtube

IT WAS HARD DECIDING BETWEEN SUURED TÜDRÜKUD AND KADRI THOUGH. But given that Charlotte Perelli is guaranteed to appear in Sweden’s NF corner (um is she? :counts on fingers: Clara, Evas, Dotter... ehh sure I’m committed now I guess), it would be best NOT to post Dagmar & Kaire as they fucking clown her lol <3 But their song WAS pretty antiquated schlager...

Kadri otoh... absolutely breaks all records for me by delivering a unicorn: an entertaining stripped-down piano ballad. For the most part because she has incredible emotional delivery that serves personality on a fucking pyrotechnical level, like onn-stop “Loudmouthed Oaf Energy” in the form of a introspective jazz ballad <3 Can you imagine Estonia actually picking this? They could have come left-handside.

But will Uku do well? :o

Predicted Journey - Estonia

He won’t come top 10, if that’s what you mean by “well”.😂 If you mean “qualify for the Grand Final” then... potentially? Semi 2 is less of a crapshoot than the first semifinal however. At this stage, it’s pretty much “okay, so these twelve acts can qualify... but which ten will?”.

Fortunately for Uku, he is one of aforementionned twelve possible qualifiers. (the others are: san marino, czech rep, greece, moldova, iceland, serbia, albania, bulgaria, finland, switzerland and denmark). UNfortunately for Uku, he’s one of the candidates for the two NQ slots inside that group of twelve.

The problem with Estonia is that their entry is a televote-friendly ballad, stuck in a really televote-UNfriendly slot (#02), in a semi where the jury vote will very likely put them outside the top 10. If we add in a dark stage and Uku’s shaky vocals, they don’t look particularly secure.

However, I also think Estonia can qualify relatively easily because “televote-friendly ballad” is a unique niche inside that semi; the other ballads (Switzerland is NOT a ballad), won’t be getting many votes and Uku’s appeal as a handsome man with a dramatic song will make him stand out in spite of his spot in the running order, as LONG AS his vocal delivery (or that of the prerecorded backing vocals) remains adequate enough. If not, he’ll be swiftly forgotten and NQ.

Another thing that can cause Uku to qualify is if at least two others of the twelve underwhelm (my money for that would be on Albania, Denmark, San Marino and/or Czech Rep), making Uku the lucky one as he’ll ascend in the ensuing powercreep.

At any rate, it’s really difficult to gauge how well Uku would do since I haven’t really thought about the other BL qualifiers’ odds enough. His televote should be strong enough to avoid bottom 3, I think, and I think it’s safe to say he won’t come top five. Between those values, pffffew, who can possibly tell? I’m not burning my fingers on that.

Projected placements > Qualifier Tier: Borderline > Semifinal: 6th-14th (out of 17) > Grand Final: 17th-22nd (out of 26)

THE RANKING

01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. 08. 09. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. ESTONIA - Uku Suviste - “The lucky one” 21. FINLAND - Blind Channel - “Dark side” 22. AZERBAIJAN - Efendi - “Mata Hari” 23. the NETHERLANDS - Jeangu Macrooy - “Birth of a new age” 24. CZECH REPUBLIC - Benny Christo - “Omaga” 25. DENMARK - Fyr og Flamme - “Øve os på hinanden” 26. SLOVENIA - Ana Soklič - “Amen” 27. SWITZERLAND - Gjon’s Tears - “Tout l’Univers” 28. ROMANIA - Roxen - “Amnesia” 29. SERBIA - Huricane - “Loco loco” 30. POLAND - Rafał - “The ride” 31. ISRAEL - Eden Alene - “Set me free” 32. GEORGIA - Tornike Kipiani - “You” 33. PORTUGAL - The Black Mamba - “Love is on my side” 34. SPAIN - Blas Cantó - “Voy a quedarme” 35. NORWAY - Tix - “Fallen Angel” 36. CYPRUS - Elena Tsagrinou - “El Diablo” 37. AUSTRIA - Vincent Bueno - “Amen” 38. NORTH MACEDONIA - Vasil - “Here I stand” 39. GERMANY - Jendrik - “I don’t feel hate”

#Eurovision #Eurovision 2021 #ESC2021 #ESC 2021 #Eurovision Song Contest #Estonia #Uku Suviste #The Lucky One

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kpopchangedme · 4 years

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All I Want For Christmas is: The Maple Goddess [Youngjae]

Love is in the air at the Christmas Market when you finally get to spend some quality time with the cute guy from the ice skating rink.

Protagonists: Choi Youngjae & You

Word Count: 4.7k

Genre: SFW - Holiday Season - Romance - First Date - shy!jae || [One Shot]

[All I Want For Christmas: is a GOT7 collab]

GOT7 | M.list

You’re glorious today, as usual. Your red winter coat brings out the colours of your cheeks, even from the other side of the alley, you're glowing. Youngjae rolls his thick sleeve to peek at his watch, almost an hour to go before his first break… Sniffing, he observes from his fortune hideout as you explain something to rare morning onlookers, waving your hands around energetically. When he's sitting down behind his booth, he's mostly concealed by the counter, hardly able to see you. In the end, they buy something from the stand, how could they not? No one can resist a smile like yours, and you grin every time you make a sale. A series of aggressive knocks on his wooden counter forces him out of his daydream. He stands up from his chair in a hurry, taken by surprise.

“Size twelve.” A boy narrows his eyes haughtily and his four friends snicker behind him. He's a teenager – he was probably in diapers when Youngjae finished high school – but still, he has nothing but contempt for the older guy. The Ice Skating Rink promised to be a romantic mystical workplace with its Christmas lights and view on the giant decorated tree, but it turned out to be a damn babysitting job.

Don't push your friends... No headsets! I told you, this is your last warning...

“Then it's size eleven,” Youngjae blinks, quickly catching on, “and 10 bucks.”

“The raffle guy said you'd make us a discount!” They immediately start to whine in protest, and Youngjae bites the interior of his cheek to remain polite. Grabbing the frame of his booth, he bends through the opening to glare at his ‘friend’. Bambam shrugs unapologetically, not looking exactly contrite enough to his liking. He's been sending his victims to the rink for discounts far too often this past month.

“How much do you have left?”

Sighing, Youngjae bargains with the group, ending up renting all of them skates at half the value. How are other businesses supposed to make a living if Bambam keeps scamming kids out of their allowance? He cusses lowly, picking up 5 pairs of ice skates from the tablets behind him and handing them. It's his first year working at The White Miracle Market and definitely his last. He thought it would be a great opportunity to earn some extra cash for his Christmas gifts, but that's not how it went. Instead, he ended up spending his days freezing to death, quarrelling with kids, and spending all of his money on the job.

Work with us, they said…

Youngjae shouldn't have let himself get convinced by the guys. He's the only one that ended up in a stall with a defective heater and… Ok, fine, admittedly he has the greatest view of all time… Raising his head to your booth facing his, he forgets for a brief second he's still standing up and hits the large metal radiator hanging above. Yelping, he reaches for his head with both gloves, for once thankful the thing isn't working at full capacity. Through his tears, he glares at the heater with rancour.

It will be fun, they said…

Carefully sitting back, Youngjae loses the next half-hour reluctantly monitoring the skating little monsters through his left side window. He doesn't even find it in himself to scold them when they start throwing ice at each other. One could lose an eye or two for all he cares.

___

Today is a bit of a slow start. It could come as a surprise considering there are only a few days left before Christmas, but it's often like that during the day. People come to the Market for enchantment and a chaotic array of wooden stalls doesn't quite reach its full magical effect before sunset. Even with the current beautiful snow falling in slow motion from the gray sky. Of course, your booth isn't like the other boring ones, you don't rely on fir ornaments, red velvet bows or fairy lights to sell. Undeniably, the Maplesque!’ strongest asset is the alluring smell of maple syrup always cooking in the large pan.

“Ouch,” Emma giggles, making you raise your head from the wood bucket of clean snow you're preparing, “that outta hurt!”

“What?” Whipping around to see what she means, you wince. Cute guy from the ice skating booth is holding the top of his head with both hands. Above him, his stall's radiator is wobbling. You hope he didn't burn himself. “Don't stare,” mortified by the secondhand embarrassment, you click your tongue, forcing your sister's eyes down.

“Why not?” She smirks, leaning above the counter and making the display of leaf-shaped lollipops tilt dangerously. “He stares at us all day.”

“Does. Not.” You lie, pushing the rack back to safety and Emma rolls her eyes. “Stop being delusional and go check the pan's temperature.”

“In case you didn't notice…” She stretches both arms open towards the empty snowy alley like she's the messiah. “No one buys your taffy before supper, Ô dear Maple Goddess.”

“If you're unhappy, you can go home.” Grumbling, you round the booth, done with your taffy-on-ice tempting display. Walking by the pan, you check it yourself, pleased to find the temperature of the syrup is climbing slowly.

“There's no ridiculously hot guys at home.” Emma sing-songs and you look at her, dumbfounded. “The White Miracle might be cold but I swear, there's no better place to be in town…”

“What?” Crouching, you plug the hot chocolate machine. Is this why she comes to the Market even though she never lends a hand?

Your little sister has been obsessing a lot about boys lately, maybe she's at that age. In previous years, she never cared to visit. Your parents were the ones running this booth while you helped out as much as you could. It's the first year you fully took over so they could stay on the farm, handling most of the crafting and shipping. This Christmas Market is a tradition, sort of a mandatory one when it’s the whole family business. Holidays are always very busy, right before the maple season starts.

“Are you dumb?” Emma snorts in disbelief, “Blind? Every guy here is sexier than the other. It's like they are fighting every day to win me over. There's the toymakers pair, very kissable under potential mistletoe; the steamy ticket seller, I personally find his constant frowning highly attractive; there's Santa, help me Lord-”

“I guess I’m too busy to notice,” you interrupt unimpressed and check the display one last time to see if everything is in order, “someone has to work our booth.”

“Well, hot rental-guy notices, rental-guy isn't blind. Everyone at TWM knows he's desperately pining over you!” You turn to her – acting lost – and she rolls her eyes once more in desperation. Without another word, Emma raises her glove the rink’s way, unsubtly pointing to the man in his ice skating booth. Gasping, you jump forward to pull down her arm, feeling your whole face flush in shame. You're acutely aware of how much he looks your way, there's no need to make it more obvious. Really, how bold can a fifteen years old get?

“Jesus, Emma,” heaving you hold her arm down tightly, “we don't point at people!”

She tugs at it, but you don't let go. “Oh look, he's staring again!” She waves hello his way and you let her go in horror. Urgently spinning around only to discover that rental-guy isn't looking your way. Not at all, in fact, he seems rather absorbed by the contemplation of the kids skating on the rink. “You should see your face right now!” Emma cracks up, sinking back into her chair with a book and you kick her leg, fuming. You swear sometimes she still acts like a 10 years old. "Admit it, you like him back, he's cute...”

You don't dignify this with an answer, dropping your chin into your open palms, bent in two, elbows resting on the counter. Cute? Ice skating guy is cute alright. You aren't as blind as you'd want her to believe. You've been looking forward to his breaks for an entire month.

You asked you noted; Choi Youngjae, your age, first year working at the White Miracle, single… Very unsubtly crushing on you and talking about it to a lot of people.

He's off in around 50 minutes; which means he’ll come by to pick two maple hot chocolates just to see you. You hate to admit, but he is at his cutest when he's a blushing mess for you.

In a parallel universe, one where the Holiday season truly is magical… You'd both do a lot more than stare.

He'd actually ask you out, maybe he'd spill his drink on his coat while doing so, but you wouldn't mind. You wouldn't mind because you'd be busy being nervous yourself, smoothly agreeing to anything. You like him too, a lot. How could you not fall for the guy who gave you the most flattering nickname to ever be?

Not Farm-Girl like back when you were in high school.

Maple. Goddess.

You're an OG of this Christmas Market, so of course, everyone told you about him. The White Miracle’ staff is like a second family, you were made aware of his infatuation within a week of him starting here. Even the guy at the Mulled Wine stall knew about Youngjae and you and he's a loner that keeps to himself.

You bite the interior of your cheek, sneaking another glance at the rental booth.

Maybe you should just ask him out yourself. It's not like waiting on him is doing any good and Holiday season is almost over...

___

To be honest, Youngjae doesn't feel particularly excited at Jackson showing up for his break. It's suspiciously that he considers his friend when his face pops over the counter to gaze down at him. By this point, Youngjae was dozing off, ice rink empty and his will to live in the negative – matching the mercury-in-glass quite nicely.

“OY!” The exuberant chocolate-lover greets, face sliced in two by his largest grin. The last time they spoke was two days prior, Jackson was so taken by some dumb competition with another booth that he snapped and told Youngjae off. He got mad and claimed he was done, that he couldn't stand hearing about y/n again.

“Hi,” wary, Youngjae sits straight, “I thought you didn't want to be around me anymore.”

Jackson's face twists, “What? I never said that. I’m pretty sure my exact words were ‘man-up and ask her out for baby-Jesus’s sake!’... But I’m here to apologize, I'm sorry I yelled, Jinyoung says I need to make amends…” Picture of innocence, the childish man smiles and tilts his head. This look on him is never a good omen. Whenever Jackson wiggles his brows like that, he's always about to cause a holy mess. “Sooooooooo,” he goes on mischievously, “I thought about it and decided I should be the one that buys you hot chocolate today.” The last words are utter so theatrically they’re barely words at all: “At last, I shall meet your maple dame!”

Sheer panic courses through Youngjae's body when he understands. He knew he had reasons to be apprehensive. Of course Jackson is gonna get involved with his crush! The man can't ever stay out of anyone's business! Your formal rejection is the last thing he needs before Christmas. He'd much prefer remaining anonymous.

Unfortunately, Jackson has already crossed the snowy alley in your direction before he is even out, running after him. Mid-way there, Youngjae stops altogether hesitating; he could face this like a man and apologize, or run away and never come back to this cursed Market… Sadly, then he'd never see you again.

There's no doubt he's tomato red when he finally joins his former friend in front of the Maplesque! stall. You're already smiling, greeting them, as kind and breathtaking as ever.

“HI, HELLO!” Jackson blurts out too loudly, making you twitch back in surprise. “You're the Maple Goddess!” Dumbfounded, your eyes fall on Youngjae, standing a step back and wincing nervously.

“It's just Y-Y/n,” you stutter cutely on your own name, making his knees weak, “you're the chocol-”

“Jackson Wang!” Your little sister seemingly jumps from under the counter, eyes glimmering in awe. She's there every day with you, always on her phone or reading a book. “Excuse my sis, she's no good around hot guys!” Bending in two through the stall opening, the younger girl reaches to offer her hand in a hurry. To Youngjae's despair, she's obviously very taken by Jackson.

Getting rejected might not be the worst possible outcome to this encounter after all, you could fall for the chocolatier's charm. Like everyone else always does...

"Well, aren't you a treat!” Instead of shaking her hand – like a normal human being – the bold man straight up kisses her glove. Youngjae cringes so hard, he wishes the ground would swallow him whole. “And you are...”

“Emma!” She blurts out in pure glee:

“Please Y/n, don't mind Jackson!” Finally stepping up, Youngjae slaps a 10$ bill on the counter, startling you. Gulping, he falters under your wide gaze, “He's always been odd.”

“I’m afraid his reputation precedes him.” You divert your eyes to the bill, biting your lower lip. “Two maple hot chocos coming.” Turning around in haste, you elbow the lollipop display and your sister catches it with a dramatic eye roll before it crashes. Youngjae can only smile like a fool, observing as you work. You're irresistible.

"So – Maple Goddess – are you free?” You're pouring the beverages when Jackson asks the question and you visibly spasm, nearly scalding yourself. Youngjae turns to his friend in horror. He might want to help, but he's as subtle as a bull in a China shop.

Emma snorts; “Yes, but Y/n's all work and no fun.” The young girl plops herself down on the counter, dropping her chin in her palm to gaze at the older men. “I'm all fun.”

"You’re jailbait.” You deadpan ruthlessly, bringing the men's attention back on you and making your sister whine. Still, you frown in concentration, pouring syrup in the two hot chocolates. “I’m just busy building a maple empire, Jackson, I’m sure you can relate.”

The chocolatier seems severely undermined and he grimaces; “That's unfortunate, Youngjae was hoping you'd join us for a break at the rink.” Wait, what!? Jackson just said what?

“Me, skate? On ice.” You seem confused, as though that's the strangest idea ever. Oh God, you hate them both already. You're gonna reject him.

“Yes…” Narrowing his eyes at his friend meanly, Youngjae clenches his fists, mustering his courage. For weeks, he had been considering the best way to asking you out and that wasn't it at all. “I was wondering if you would like to take a break from the stall and skate with me… and Jackson.” He's completely winded at the prospect but his friend smiles brightly, offering two thumbs up, very proud of himself. What is the point of this? With Jackson there, that's not even a date. It doesn't help him at all, it's a shitty plan.

“Oh, the thing is–” You start to protest but get interrupted.

“I’ll keep the booth!” Emma blurts out, beaming and you turn to her with a scowl. “I can manage here for a while, you go… Have fun… With guys...”

“You don't have to!” Youngjae eagerly offers an out, earning himself an elbow to the ribs. Still, his heart is pounding in expectation, waiting for your answer. Part of him wants to murder Jackson for forcing him out of his comfort zone, but what's done is done. The two maple hot mugs are now abandoned on the counter, steaming.

“I...” You seem to be unsure what to say, put on the spot. It takes a moment for you to finally make a choice. “Y-Yes, I would like that a lot.”

___

You're buzzing in a mix of excitement and dread stepping out of the booth. Even after agreeing, you aren't sure how it happened, don't know how you even let yourself get convinced. Sure, you've been daydreaming about spending time with rental-guy for a month – Youngjae – but still… like that? You must have momentarily lost your mind. And it's not like he invited you to join them on his own, his friend did. You follow awkwardly when both men walk back to the rental booth, Emma delighted coos echoing from the Maplesque!. Really, you're gonna have to kick her ass when you get back home tonight.

You should say something – call this whole ice skating thing off – but instead, you give Youngjae your shoe size, waiting as the guys silently bicker with one another. Clearly, you aren't the only one that hasn't thought stuff through.

You're still trying to find a way to get out of this without hurting anyone's feeling when Jackson suddenly slaps his forehead. It's like he just remembered he forgot to close the tap back home. "Oh SHOO!” The man pouts dramatically and his friend turns to him, oblong eyes round of evident apprehension. Jackson is already stepping backwards in a hurry, fleeing away from you both. He fakes looking down at his phone. “I forgot Mark had something to tell me! I need to go right now!” He's almost running up the alley now. “May your date be maple and bright!”

Wait.

What.

Date?

Did the chocolatier just set you up with his friend?

You knew you intimidated rental-guy – so did the whole world – but you didn't think it would come to this. When you face Youngjae however, you realize this wasn't his plan either. He's staring blankly at the pair of skates he picked up for you on the counter, cheekbones afire. Clearly, he's in shock. His friend just forced this unto him and he doesn't know what to do.

Wow. Can it be considered a real date if you're coerced into it? Even if you both want to meet, dates are supposed to be planned, actual outings, not just random breaks taken from work.

Besides, you don't know how to ice skate.

Well, it's not like you can get out of it now. If you try to stop this from happening it will be worse. Youngjae is so adorable, you don't want him to think you aren't interested.

Surely, ice skating can't be that complicated. You see kids on that rink every day...

“I knew about it,” you hush, trying to find something to initiate conversation.

Startled, he looks up. “Uh?”

“The whole Maple Goddess thing.”

“Oh,” Youngjae forces a chuckle, clenching his teeth, “Jackson comes up with weird stuff all the time… Sorry...” Never has a lie been more obvious. You meant his crush too, but he doesn't seem to want to hear that. To hide your growing smile, you bring your hands to your mouth, blowing air to warm them up. Unfortunately, you let your gloves at the booth.

“You don't have to do this, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to trick you into hanging out with me. I didn't even know what Jac–”

“It's fine,” you interrupt, “I was actually about to give up and ask you out myself.”

“You... What?” His mouth is open in astonishment.

Ok. This is the perfect set up for a confession. There's snow falling, you're all alone… You should probably just get it out in the open.

“I hear about you and… I like you too.”

“You like me,” Youngjae repeats doubtfully.

“Yes.” Butterflies. Butterflies everywhere. Grabbing the dreaded skates, you turn to face the rink, grinning. “So, are we gonna do this or what?"

Amused beyond logic, you laugh, leaving him hanging to go sit on a nearby bench. You try to control your nerves, slipping out of your Uggs to tightly lace the rental skates. Ice can't be much different from concrete, you've rollerbladed before. Dead silent, Youngjae comes to sit next to you, putting on ice skates himself. His are black and red, evidently personal ones, way fancier. You've never seen him on the rink before, but one probably needs to know how to ice skate to be hired at that booth. It makes sense. Done, you wait for him to finish.

Well, that's painfully awkward. You should be talking. People talk on dates. Is this a date?

Suddenly, Youngjae stands up, sliding on the ice with no effort whatsoever. He's gracious, grinning at you from ear to ear. He seemed to have processed your little confession now, at least. His feet form a V shape, making him swirl in a large circle before he stops back in front of the bench. In a messed up way, you kind of wished him to be as clumsy at this as everything else.

Evidently, he's waiting for you to get up and do some twirls of your own, a grandiose arabesque perhaps, impressive, breathtaking. Oh God, the longer he's anticipating this the worse is. Come on, here goes nothing. You can do this. Ice skating can't be that complicated. Finally standing up, you pray for some sort of miracle. You take a weird step forward on the ice. Unfortunately, your stance is so wobbly you very nearly fall on your ass, arms flying in rotation to regain balance. At the last second, Youngjae catches your forearms, saving your ass (literally). His hands wrap around your elbow holding you up steady on the slippery ice. It's the first time he has touched you and even though it's through layers of clothing, butterflies soar once more.

You look so stupid. Breaking your neck won't charm cute rental-guy. You’ll just humiliate yourself.

“You can't skate.” Youngjae states this simple fact and your entire face burns of shame. You try to pull away, to step back on the much safer and stable snow, but he holds on. Probably because he fears you're falling again.

“I can skate,” you lie, vexed, “I just haven't done this… In a while.” More like ever.

“Have fun?” Youngjae's smile widens inhumanly at his joke, lips curling upwards to expose the entirety of his dentition.

"If you call breaking a leg fun, you're a weird guy.”

You don't even notice when you start to glide, too busy smiling back. "That's okay, I got you.” Youngjae is easily skating backwards pulling you with him. “But just to be clear… You agreed to this even though you couldn't skate?”

“I couldn't refuse, you never invited me to do anything before… And I can skate,” you repeat. Just not on ice.

“So you accepted Jackson's invitation… To be with me?”

You aren't sure what he finds so hard to grasp. “Yes,” you breathe out, embarrassed, “but now I might die for it.” Your eyes dart down when Youngjae expertly crosses his blades, he's got some very impressive moves. “Showoff.”

He laughs and instantly you feel a whole lot better. “I won't let you die on my watch!” Well, the relief was short. You yelp when he releases your arms, disappearing in your back.

“H-Hey!” Precarious, you straighten and lose your balance but this time Youngjae grabs your waist, holding you up.

Wow. If you didn't risk severe head injury otherwise, you might believe he has game. But that's impossible, rental-guy spent a whole month openly pinning over you without even making a move. Plus the only reason you're in this mess is because Jackson and Emma ganged-up on you.

“I got you now, I won't let you fall. I'll teach you.” Youngjae's voice rings above your shoulder.

Though he sounds serious about the task ahead, you can't help your chills at his breath on your ear. Unfortunately for him, his close proximity is highly distracting. He's pressed against your back and you mentally curse the thickness your damn winter coat. You wish you could actually feel him, but that may be too much for a first non-date.

“Bend your knees,” he whispers in concentration, “more, more, there. Lean forward.” Biting your lower lip, you try to push aside the other images his commands summon. What is wrong with you? The man seems oblivious to his effect, intended on helping you learn. When Youngjae is fully satisfied, you're in a weird semi-sitting position. “There, you need to keep your center of gravity low to avoid falling.”

You must look absolutely ridiculous but this is strangely romantic. Something tells you Emma is filming the whole scene from the stall, although you forget everything about that when he presses closer.

“Now you just… Glide...” As you obey once more, Youngjae's hands slide down on your hips. “Again, push to the side, like me. You want the blade to bite the ice...”

Screw that. It may come as a total surprise, but the man has game. Enjoying every second of this – probably a bit too much – you begin to gain momentum with his help. He's still holding you tightly when you complete your second full circle around the rink. Even though you're vacillating and your steps lack finesse, you'd say you are doing a pretty good job. You're skating, on ice, alone with cute rental-guy. Smiling in joy, you bend a bit lower to accelerate. After a while, Youngjae's hands desert you altogether, and you would protest but he quickly reappears in front of you. Skating backwards, he barely needs to look over his shoulder to know where he is going. It's like its a second nature to him, something you find strangely attractive. As if aware of this, he maintains eye contact for far too long, you feel the tip of your ears burn and not from the cold. His brown hair is flying around his face, strands whipping the wind. For some reason the sight makes you light, you're flying around above the Christmas Market with the cotton-like snow.

Fine, maybe not all dates need to be official to be meaningful.

“I told you I could skate,” your bold claim makes him snort in disbelief.

“You might need to practice more often.”

“How about…” You pause, holding a breath, “We make this a daily thing?”

“Sure,” Youngjae offers a hand and you take it, electrified by the touch, “I’ll trade you lessons for free maple choco.”

Your heart race at the thought of doing something like this with him every day. Humming, you fake to consider his offer for a second; “Deal!”

“It's a date then!” Laughing, you keep skating, staring at each other like you're alone in the world.

Unfortunately, you forget you truly aren't and he does too. Youngjae is totally spooked when someone hollers at him aggressively, a young teen is standing in front of the rental booth for service waving both arms. Apparently, break is over.

Twisting his skates without warning, Youngjae comes to an abrupt stop in front of you, forgetting one major detail.

You hit him at full speed, albeit not very fast, but it still manages to sweep him off his feet. With a loud huff, air exhales his lungs when he hits the ice and you land on top of him. Mouth ajar, you gape, meeting his soft chestnut irides. You're too flustered to say anything and he's not doing much better than you. That's not exactly how you envisioned ever climbing him up.

Your faces are so close you can see every single one of his eyelashes, his cute pinkened nose, his beauty mark. Your eyes keep exploring his features, dipping low to his dark pout, full and inviting. You want to kiss him. Snow keeps falling, swirling in the chilly air around. You haven't chosen between pulling away or going for it when Youngjae's hand finds your nape. Slowly, he closes the gap between you, lips brushing yours delicately. Adding pressure, you kiss him back.

You knew it. The man has game.

There's no mistletoe, no fairy lights flickering, but your first kiss is fireworks. The moment is enchanting, infinite, as you both lay on the ice like one. Maybe that's the famous magic of The White Miracle Market you've heard so much about. You forget about the outside world, space, time. There's nothing but you two and the snow.

When you pull back to breathe, Youngjae is smiling softly. “Tomorrow,” he whispers, so low you can barely hear, “I'm teaching you the snowplow stop.”

“Yes,” you breathe out, winded, “that might be useful.”

GOT7 | M.list

[All I Want For Christmas: is a GOT7 collab]

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arethereanyoriginalusernames · 3 years

Text

Spooky Babbles About: CW’s PPG leaked script

....oh dear

Disclaimer: this post isn’t meant to start any fights or anything. I believe in criticizing media so that we can learn what does and doesn’t work, and apply that to our own written works. So, we’re here to learn and discuss, so I hope you brought your discount notebook from Staples, and Scholastic Scented Pencils

Anyways, how about that new, edgy live action remake of The PowerPuff girls?

I wanted to share my thoughts as an outsider to the franchise. I’ll admit, I didn’t really grow up with the show. I know the basic stuff about it, like the characters, idea of the plot, and I’ve listened to/watched a lot of videos and podcasts discussing the show. So, I get the basic idea of everything. And I’m not particularly emotionally attached to the show.

Why does this matter? Well, I noticed a lot of backlash against the leaked script of the teaser and I think the first episode? So, I wondered, hey, what would someone who’s a newbie to the series think about this script?

Not just that, but, and I’ll admit, I wasn’t super opposed to the basic idea of the show?

Hear me out

I actually think the idea of someone reflecting on what they missed out on growing up is alright. And since these girls were admittedly busy saving people, it wouldn’t be too out there to wonder how effective they’d be in building lives outside of that. Hell, it’d even be interesting to see the ppg as adults. Are they still a team, what do they think about the whole thing in retrospect, what are they doing? And hey, making some characters lgbt? You know what? Fuck yeah!

So, I don’t think that the concept was dead on arrival... but goddamn, that execution tho. I’ll be detailing what goes on in the script under the cut, so if you’re interested, um... get ready for the new ppg, Tana Mogeau, Trauma Girlboss, and Stereotypical Lesbian Hulk.

Part 1: Plot?

Ok bitches, we’re in a new universe of PPG. There’s swearing and sex and a bunch of unnecessary shit bc EDGE! And listen, as a local edge lord, I don’t mind edginess. I’m just saying, when you’re being a try hard, it’s clear you’re being a try hard.

So, in this universe, the og cartoon exists, and is based on what goes on here... ok. And Prof Uranium or whatever specifically made the gals to be super heroes. With the help of Mojo Jojo, who’s human now bc idk, and spoiler, Mojo becomes angry bc he doesn’t get as much clout as the prof out of this.

So, we get the girlies fighting as little kids, and there’s a mention by Bubbles that they need to look good for the camera bc, if you haven’t figured it the fuck out, we’re going with the oh so original idea that the PPG are just the prof’s way of getting famous and getting clout. Oh, and the mayor’s gf Sara Bellium is now the prof’s gf bc... idk.

Anyways, Mojo is super angry, but he has a son, Jojo, who is crushing on Blossom. Ok. So, Not Monkey man starts an Anti PPG protest? Basically saying that this is all a stunt for money, and even accusing the prof of creating the monsters. Oh yeah, nobody knows where all these monsters came from, and apparently nobody cares enough to investigate I guess. Anyways, even though there’s this entire movement against 3 little girls, the girls are still happy living with the Prof and Sara. Also, apparently Mojo’s motive is that he wanted powers that he could use for good? Ok.

Then oh no, the PPG are teenagers bc time skip. For some reason, Bubbles is hung over bc underage drinking is necessary. Also, the animal lover broke into the zoo and made the flamingos drink alcohol? Ok. And Buttercup is cheating on her gf, bc why not? She’s the most masculine, so obviously she’s the one attracted to women. Stereotypes! And Blossom is a good student. Bc yes. Anyways, they need to get up super early to fight crime, but they don’t want to bc they’re tiiiireeed. And Bubbles doesn’t want pigtails, but the Prof tells her to stay in character, so that’s that.

And then Mojo tries to kill 3 minors with his son, and there’s this entire group of people throwing shit at the girls bc let’s kill kids! And then Blossom accidentally kills Mojo, becomes traumatized, everyone hates these minors, and one by one, all girls run away to start a new life.

Time skip! Buttercup is a firefighter who hides her powers but doesn’t. Bubbles is sticking to her character in an attempt to be a celebrity, and she does anything possible to market off her identity. So, going solo, doing porn, making documentaries, selling merch, etc. And Blossom is a bioengineering student with a boyfriend who might as well not exist.

Btw, part of how Blossom calms herself down when panicking is visualizing her child self. So we get weird scenes where she sees her child self hanging out in a bar? Ok. Also, she has a panic attack every scene she’s in bc I guess we need it? And her sisters calm her down by scream-singing Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson. And that same song is super inspirational to Blossom. I mean, I also like that song, but... ok.

So, the gals are going to Townsville to collect money from the prof. Bubbles is super insensitive to her sisters’ mental health, and is turning the reunion into a documentary, and says at one point that the family dysfunction is all she has. Buttercup is bitching in every scene, and we’re reminded every 10 seconds that Blossom has anxiety.

Anyways, remember Jojo? He’s mayor, and trying to get re-elected. But he wants revenge on the PPG bc dad died, so he does the obvious thing of hiring a child that killed her parents to kill the PPG. And he just acts like a generic super villain in his villain chair, and he has a monkey, and he really doesn’t matter.

The killer kid, Henrietta, shows up in a crowd outside the PPG house, bc people are protesting the girls being back? And she humiliated them. Also, Henrietta has these evil robots that control your brain by going in your ear, and she doesn’t really matter.

We get these whole series of scenes that hammer in that the prof is a bad dad and everyone hates him, but they also lazily set up redemption arc for him or something? Anyways, he figures out that there’s evil going on, bc Henri’s lab is sucking up the wifi on a street. And he convinces the girls to investigate. This is pointless, as the three just go to a bar, and get drunk and argue. And they don’t find Jack shit, although Henrietta is mind controlling some rando who attacks them, and it doesn’t matter.

Then they go home, Buttercup has sex with some other rando and everyone walks in on them, and I guess it’s funny. Also, turns out that the prof has no money to give anyone, so the girls start screaming. We get this weird accusation that the og cartoon whitewashed the girls bc hey, let’s insult the source material. Then the rando gal buttercup was sexing gets possessed by the robots, and attacks, but they save her, and Blossom figures out how to solve everything. Then the prof gets possessed, there’s an entire crowd of possessed people in town now.

Bubbles and buttercup decide to save the day, but Blossom is like “no”. Then her child self shows up, they sing Kelly Clarkson, and then she’s like “ok”. Anyways, the other two have dumped water on the crowd and saved everyone, but oh no, Henri is making the prof do a fall off building backflip, but Blossom saves him. Then they almost kill a child, everyone loves them, the girls decide to be heroes, Jojo sneaks a camera into their home, and is a bad guy I guess.

And there’s the plot. There’s a PDF online if you want to read it. I left some stuff out that really doesn’t matter, so.

——-

Part 2: Dialogue Who?

Yes, these are screenshots. I thought that if I tried explaining some of this dialogue, people wouldn’t believe me. So...

I hope I don’t need to explain what’s wrong here. Mainly because... I don’t think I can put into words the level of “have you ever spoken to a human being” we’re dealing with here.

——-

This is already pretty long, so I’ll make a part 2. I’m sure you folks may already have caught on to my opinion of this... thing. But in the next part, I’ll discuss the characters, pandering and how this shit could be fixed.

I apologize for wasting your time

- Spooky S Skeletons

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