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dotwrites · 5 years

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Meetings, Ch 1- Phantom Pains

This was supposed to be a one-shot but it has at least three chapters instead.

Read on AO3

Summary: After waking up from the simulation, the survivors decided that having a meeting every night between everyone who was awake would be a good idea. Peko, the first of the killers to awaken, isn't fond of this new tradition.

Note: This story contains talk of despair and Peko has some very unhealthy speaking and at times reverts back to despair. She’s only been awake about a month, so she’s still struggling a lot. Read with caution.

Every evening before dinner, those who are awake gather together to talk. This new tradition amongst the recovering remnants of despair has been going on for nine months, ever since the survivors of the simulation woke up. It’s to help them talk out their feelings and to build trust between everyone. At least, that’s what they told Peko when she expressed that she did not find it necessary to her recovery. The survivors were insistent that it truly helped, and even Mahiru, Nekomaru, and the one they knew as Togami agreed.

Peko hated it.

The meeting the evening prior had been even more uncomfortable than the rest. It started about the same, talking about physical therapy and how well Peko, as the newest to join them, was doing. Eventually it turned to the typical oversharing of emotions that made Peko feel as though she was invading on their privacy. The conversations were meant to help her feel more connected to the others, but she just felt more isolated.

The forced therapy session grew a little darker as Togami asked if any of the others felt the pains from their deaths. They spoke of sharp phantom pains that woke them up at night, feeling as though they had been stabbed again.

“Yeah, I get that too. I get massive headaches, right…” Mahiru began, reaching for the spot where Peko’s bat had landed. She glanced at Peko then, a look in her eyes that Peko had grown familiar with. Almost all the others looked at her the same way, as though they were afraid something they said would upset her. As if they thought she would do it again.

Of course, she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t put Fuyuhiko through that again, when he had expressed such disappointment in her actions the first time.

“My pain’s mostly from when I got blown up,” Nekomaru laughed. As the first to join the survivors, he had nearly eight months to adjust to their new reality. His bright, loud personality was exactly as Peko remembered it, though she had missed the majority of his recovery so far.

“I see…” Sonia nodded, brows furrowed. Peko found it hard to believe that the princess could completely understand. It wasn’t that she held any bad feelings for Sonia, she simply found it hard to believe that the woman could truly understand the phantom pains when she seemed to have none to speak of.

“What about you two?” Hajime asked, glancing between Fuyuhiko and Peko.

“Yeah. I mean...it’s hard for me to tell what’s real pain and what isn’t, with my whole…” he gestured to the scar that replaced one of his eyes, “missing eye deal, but there’s some pain that I know is from what happened.”

They all turned expectantly to Peko then, waiting for her to admit to her own phantom pains. She didn’t want to talk about them, feeling as though the searing pain that kept her awake at night was a punishment she deserved for what she had done, but they kept looking at her. When she looked at Fuyuhiko and he gave her a small nod of encouragement, she finally spoke.

“Yes. I have phantom pains from my execution,” she explained simply.

“Would you like to talk about it more?” Mahiru suggested.

“It’s supposed to help if you do. Something about sharing the pain or something,” Akane added.

“No, I can handle it,” Peko insisted.

“Are you sure, Peko? You don’t have to go through this alone,” Sonia leaned forward, reaching for Peko’s hands. Peko hoped she wouldn’t be too offended when the swordswoman pulled them out of her reach.

“Yes, I am sure.”

“You should listen to Miss Sonia. If anybody will understand, it’s all of us. Even Mahiru, and you k- ow! ” Souda started, but was interrupted by a sharp whack to the back of his head.

“Shut the fuck up!” Fuyuhiko snapped, “She said she doesn’t want to talk about it. She doesn’t owe us shit and none of us have the right to make her talk, got it?”

The group was silent for a moment after his outburst.

“You’re right,” Hajime nodded, “It’s only natural that it’ll take time to open up. Sorry, Peko.”

“Yes, I am very sorry as well!” Sonia added sheepishly, “It was rude of me to push something like this.”

The others joined in with their own apologies and Peko nodded in response to them, looking at the floor rather than making eye contact with any of them. Thankfully, the attention was taken off of her soon after that, Akane changing the topic to the food they had in the simulation and how what they were able to gather together now was nowhere near as good.

Soon after, the meeting ended and they were all free to get their food. Peko walked with Fuyuhiko, as she usually did. She had only just recently become steady on her own two feet, and Fuyuhiko was still in the habit of staying beside her, ready to catch her if she stumbled. Though she knew she was supposed to view herself as a person, she felt warm when she thought of Fuyuhiko as a young master caring so much for his tool. It made her work harder at her physical therapy, wanting to make him proud.

The pair got their servings of dinner, a simple vegetable and rice dish that Mahiru had thrown together, and sat together away from the rest of the group. They always did, and Peko was thankful that Fuyuhiko seemed to understand her need to be away from the group after the meetings. They ate in silence at first, which was perfectly acceptable to Peko. She was happy to spend the time looking around at their surroundings, noticing the differences between partially rundown dining hall in reality and the one in the simulation.

“Peko,” Fuyuhiko interrupted, voice soft enough that Akane and Nekomaru wouldn’t hear them from a few tables over.

“Yes?”

“You don’t have to talk about shit in the meetings if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but you know you can talk to me, right?”

“...I understand,” she answered, feeling a sense of personal failure.

She thought she was doing a good thing, by not disturbing him by talking about how she felt, but maybe she was wrong. He wanted so many new things from her; for her to work on being physically capable again, and for her to view herself as a person. He wanted her to recover from the trauma too, and though she was working on all of these things, it always stung when she realized she wasn’t doing well enough. He seemed to realize that he’d said something wrong despite the fact that her response was so brief.

“I don’t mean, like, you have to tell me everything, okay? I get it...I didn’t want to tell anybody shit when I woke up, either. I sure as hell didn’t want to talk to the whole ass group about all my drama. I just want you to know that if you want to talk to me, then I’m here,” he clarified, “Or you can talk to Hajime, if you want. He’s good at listening. It doesn’t have to be me, just...if you decide you want to talk to somebody, you tell them, okay? And if they don’t listen, tell me, and I’ll fucking punch them.”

Peko found herself smiling just a little as Fuyuhiko spoke. He was always threatening to punch people for Peko and his sister, when they were growing up. The familiarity comforted her, in a way, and she nodded.

“Okay. I will try to talk to somebody,” Peko agreed, though she hoped he understood that it wouldn’t be easy for her.

“Thank you,” he seemed relieved at her promise as the pair went back to their meal.

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dannybnnt · 6 years

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Suspicion

Summary: Isley sees a text from Daniel’s ex-wife that causes concern. (TW: abuse)

@isleydrewwhittaker

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:21 PM

Isley nodded as Daniel told her he was going to get in the shower, returning to her laptop. She felt like she had been on Pinterest for three days, but in reality it had only been the last hour or so. As she added another pin to her house board, she felt her phone vibrate. She reached over to pick it up without looking, reading the text. We still on for tomorrow night? The text read. Confused, she looked at the name. Avery. All of a sudden, her heart stopped. Everything came together in that moment. She didn't know if she should say something, so instead she just threw the phone back where it was and waited for Daniel to come out.

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:26 PM

After a long day at work, Daniel had been glad to get home and eat dinner with Isley. As they settled down for the night, he decided to shower before going to bed so he moved to the bathroom to clean up for the night. When he finished, he walked in with a towel around his waist. "Are you still looking at house stuff on that website?" He asked with a laugh as he walked to the dresser.

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:27 PM

"Yep." Isley replied. Closing her laptop, she turned to him. "So, I was thinking. Date night tomorrow night?"

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:29 PM

"I've got some work stuff going on the next couple of evenings." He grabbed a pair of boxers to pull on. "We should do something fun this weekend though."

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:31 PM

"Oh yeah? I don't remember putting anything on your calendar." She said nonchalantly as she pretended to be distracted by her phone.

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:31 PM

"Maybe I forgot to tell you about it." He shrugged and moved to the bed to lay down. "I'm freaking tired."

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:33 PM

"Me, too." She yawned to prove her point. "New client?"

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:33 PM

"One of my old clients wants me to look over some things." He shrugged.

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:35 PM

"Does this old client also happen to be your old wife?" She asked, putting her phone down and facing him.

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:35 PM

Daniel looked over at her with furrowed eyebrows "Are you going through my phone?"

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:36 PM

"No, of course not, I'm not your ex wife. Your phone vibrated and I picked it up, thought it was mine. Figured out it wasn't when Avery asked me if we were good for tomorrow night."

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:38 PM

He wanted to meet with Avery and decide if he was going to take her on as a client- if they could be professional in that kind of situation. He was going to wait to tell Isley until he had made a decision, so he was thrown off by Isley finding out first. "It's what I said it was." He said calmly, not wanting to escalate the situation.

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:38 PM

"Right, that explains why you hid it from me."

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:39 PM

"I didn't hide anything." He rolled his eyes.

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:40 PM

"Well you definitely didn't tell me. Seems like meeting up with your ex wife is something you should tell your current girlfriend."

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:41 PM

"I didn't think so." He said with a shrug as he grabbed his phone to reply to Avery.

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:43 PM

“You didn’t think so.” Isley repeated.

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:44 PM

"I didn't. Are we good? Can we move on?"

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:44 PM

“Sure. Last thing, if it wasn’t that big of a deal, why didn’t you just tell me? Either the first time, or when I asked what you were doing? That sounds like lying to me.”

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:45 PM

"I didn't fucking lie." He took in a breath, trying not to get mad. "Just drop it."

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:47 PM

“What is it with you and telling me to drop things that are obviously important?”

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:47 PM

"Why is it important?" He set his phone down.

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:49 PM

“Because, Daniel, you weren’t truthful!”

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:49 PM

He sighed, resting his head against the headboard. "It's just... Not your business."

Isley-Last Wednesday at 11:58 PM

Isley scoffed. “Okay, please explain to me what you mean by that.”

Daniel-Last Wednesday at 11:59 PM

"I can have some parts of my life to myself. That's all."March 29, 2018

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:01 AM

“And your ex wife, a woman you spent your whole life with, is something you should keep to yourself. I shouldn’t know about it at all. Just a man and his ex wife.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:02 AM

He understood where she was coming from but he was embarrassed that he was helping Avery the first time she spoke to him. He looked down at his hands and shrugged. "I'll tell you next time."

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:03 AM

“Okay, so there’s going to be a next time?”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:03 AM

"Well, I don't know. Maybe."

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:04 AM

“Daniel. You sound like a school girl who’s deciding whether or not she’s going out with the quarterback again.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:04 AM

"It's not like that." He rolled his eyes. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:06 AM

“Oh what, is it more serious?” She scoffed again, then reigned it in. “If you can’t tell, this is making me very uncomfortable and honestly, pretty insecure.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:08 AM

"We are divorced. It is over. I'm not thinking about getting back together with her or anything along those lines. I'm with you and.. That's that."

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:09 AM

“So then why are you having clandestine meetings with her? Because it doesn’t make me want to trust you very much.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:09 AM

"Don't look through my shit and this won't happen." He shook his head. "She just needed my help with something."

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:13 AM

“I didn’t look through your shit. Like I said, I’m not Avery. I had no reason to look through your shit. I thought it was mine.” Isley took a deep breath, resisting the urge to lash out. “What does she need help with?”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:14 AM

Daniel did not feel the need to tell her any of this but he could tell she wasn't going to let any of it go. "I didn't really ask her. She said she fired her other lawyer and needed help. I asked her if Drew could help and she said she wanted me to. So we are meeting for a consultation."

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:14 AM

She nodded. “Okay. Thank you.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:18 AM

He agitated now so he stood up to walk out to the kitchen and get a drink of water. He tried not to look so into the fact that she didn't trust him but it did bother him. He entered the room again and leaned against the doorway. This felt too much like nights with Avery, only Avery would have lost her shit the second another woman texted him instead of even asking. "I think I'm gonna sleep in the guest room tonight.."

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:20 AM

Isley leaned back against the headboard. She felt better about the situation, that was, until Daniel came back and spoke. “Wait, what? Why, baby?”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:21 AM

"I just want to sleep alone, I don't know." He walked to the bed to grab his pillow.

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:22 AM

Daniel never wanted to sleep alone. He always told her he slept better with her. “Daniel, we agreed to not let the sun set on anger.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:23 AM

"I'm not angry. I'm just.." He shook his head. "You don't trust me and that really sucks. I didn't want this to be like a thing so I was going to wait until I talked to Avery before I talked to you."

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:28 AM

“I do trust you. I said it doesn’t make me want to trust you. I just got scared when I saw the text is all.” Isley laughed bitterly. “Maybe if I actually had read your texts, I’d have known.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:29 AM

"So, we're good?" He asked softly.

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:30 AM

“We’re good. Are you still gonna sleep in the guest room?” She asked tentatively.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:30 AM

"I can sleep in here if you want me to." He gave her a small smile.(edited)

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:31 AM

Isley nodded meekly, holding a hand out to him. “Please.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:32 AM

He put his pillow back in it's spot and climbed into bed again. "This makes me nervous... It feels like the exact kind of fights that Avery and I would have." He admitted quietly.

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:34 AM

“I literally would not have cared if it was anybody other than your ex wife.” She said, scooting next to him.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:34 AM

He nodded his head and put his arm around her. "Okay. I'm sorry."

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:36 AM

“Me too, baby.” She kissed his cheek. “See, look. This is how real couples fight. We argue, and then we talk about it, and it’s solved. And we’re stronger for it.” She laughed. “This is new to us.”(edited)

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:38 AM

"It's new to me too. I'm used to just disagreeing and not talking for days." He shrugged.

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:40 AM

“Yeah, I’m used to trying not to disagree and then-you know what, I’m gonna stop there. Gotta work on the oversharing thing.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:41 AM

"You can share this with me though. I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me."

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:44 AM

“Honestly, it’s pretty brutal. Not really a good conversation.” She shifted uncomfortably, moving away from him. Suddenly being touched felt wrong.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:47 AM

He watched her in confusion "We don't have to talk about things like that, I just want you to know that you can when you need to." he said softly.

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:47 AM

She nodded, feeling frantic. “I’m, uh, gonna go shower.” She said, feeling like her skin was crawling.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:51 AM

"Okay.." he bit his lip, watching her. "Are you okay?"

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:54 AM

“Uh huh!” Her voice was a little high pitched and shaky as she tore off her clothes in the bathroom and stepped into the shower, turning the water on as hot as it would go and sinking to the floor, scrubbing her skin to get Julian off it.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 12:56 AM

Daniel wasn't sure if he should follow her or not. He stayed behind on the bed, listening to make sure she was okay.

Isley-Last Thursday at 12:58 AM

She began to hyperventilate. She hadn’t had a panic attack since she and Daniel had gotten together, but she was having a full blown one now. As she hyperventilated, she finally realized she had started to sob.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 1:00 AM

When he heard her start to cry, he got up and tentatively walked to the bathroom. "Isley?" He said just loud enough to hear over the water. He opened the shower door to find her on the floor. He reached over to hit the faucet and turn it off before he moved to sit next to her, slowly reaching out to try to give her some comfort.

Isley-Last Thursday at 1:02 AM

She didn’t register who it was when Daniel stepped into the shower. She continued to scratch at her skin, but flinched when she saw a hand reach out to her. “Please don’t hurt me.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 1:04 AM

"Why would I hurt you?" he looked down to see the she was scratching at her skin. Panic tore through him, unsure what to do. "Baby, you're hurting yourself.. Let's get out of the shower."

Isley-Last Thursday at 1:12 AM

Daniel calling her baby brought her somewhat out of her panic. Still hyperventilating, she realized how Daniel was looking at her. Looking down at her shaking hands, she looked back up at him and nodded.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 1:14 AM

He stood up and reached his hand out to offer to help her up. "Do we need to go to the hospital?"

Isley-Last Thursday at 1:16 AM

She took his hand and weakly stood. She shook her head at his question, and started saying, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry...”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 1:17 AM

He shook his head as he grabbed a towel and gently tried to help her dry off. "It's okay... I just want to know that you're okay."

Isley-Last Thursday at 1:21 AM

She shook as he towelled her off, unmoving. Knowing that it was Daniel kept her from reacting to the fact that he was touching her. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She kept repeating, utterly ashamed that he was seeing her like this.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 9:05 AM

He wrapped the towel around her once he has dried her off enough. "Let's go lay down." he was scared to touch her too much since she had thought he was going to hurt her before so he just held his hand out to her.

Isley-Last Thursday at 10:40 AM

The more she recognized Dan’s voice, the more she calmed down. Taking his hand, she stood again, a little bit stronger. Following him to the bed, she gently laid down, facing him. As he laid beside her, Isley reached out and touched his face, feeling it to make sure he was real and it was him instead of Julian.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 1:06 PM

He lay down, watching her quietly. He wondered if he had triggered this and it worried him. When she touched his face, he carefully moved a little closer to her.

Isley-Last Thursday at 1:15 PM

She couldn’t look at him, she was so embarrassed. Instead, she moved closer to him as well, her attack subsiding. “I’m sorry.” She whispered again.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 1:16 PM

"Are you okay?" he spoke quietly.

Isley-Last Thursday at 1:32 PM

“Yeah, I just...sometimes when I think about it too much I have panic attacks. I’m sorry you had to see that.” She said shakily.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 1:33 PM

He nodded his head "I'm sorry if I brought that on... I wasn't trying to."

Isley-Last Thursday at 1:56 PM

“Oh baby, no. I started thinking about it and then I started to panic. It had nothing to do with anything you did, you were perfect. You are perfect.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 1:58 PM

"Does this happen often?" he asked softly.

Isley-Last Thursday at 1:59 PM

“I haven’t had one since we got together, but before that...yeah, once every week or two.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 2:00 PM

"Have you seen someone about all of this? Or do you think it would help?"

Isley-Last Thursday at 2:01 PM

“I don’t know, it’s a little embarrassing...”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 2:03 PM

"I don't think you need to be embarrassed. People go to therapy all the time." he gave her a small smile.

Isley-Last Thursday at 2:04 PM

“No, I mean it’s embarrassing that I stayed with him for so long, and it’s embarrassing what I let him do to me.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 2:05 PM

"That isn't embarrassing, baby. A therapist isn't going to judge you for that."

Isley-Last Thursday at 2:53 PM

“It is embarrassing. And I’m humiliated that you just saw all that.” She still didn’t look up at him, keeping her gaze focused on his chest.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 2:55 PM

He bit his lip, unsure of what to say. "I'm just sorry that you're still dealing with all of that.. I didn't know."

Isley-Last Thursday at 2:56 PM

“Well it was four years, and I just got out of it a year ago after my father died.” She sighed. “If it’s too much, I get it.”(edited)

Daniel-Last Thursday at 3:11 PM

"No.. It's not too much. I just want to know how I can help."

Isley-Last Thursday at 3:33 PM

“Are you sure? I swear I haven’t had one since we got together, so I won’t be having them often.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 3:34 PM

"I promise I can handle it." He said with a nod. "I have so much baggage too, it's not like I can complain about panic attacks." He tried to joke lightly.

Isley-Last Thursday at 3:35 PM

Isley laughed lightly, finally looking up at him. “Okay. Thank you.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 3:36 PM

"I love you." He told her with smile.

Isley-Last Thursday at 3:36 PM

“I love you, too.” She snuggled into his chest.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 3:39 PM

He wrapped his arms around her. "Maybe we should go to sleep before anything else happens." He joked.

Isley-Last Thursday at 3:46 PM

“Sounds good. Will you check me out first? Make sure I don’t have any scratches too bad?” She asked, standing and letting the towel fall to the floor.(edited)

Daniel-Last Thursday at 3:48 PM

Daniel sat on the edge of the bed and examined her, frowning at the scratch marks on her body. "There are a couple that are bleeding a little.. Let me go see if I have band-aids." He stood up.

Isley-Last Thursday at 3:50 PM

She nodded, wrapping her arms around herself for a moment. While waiting for Daniel, she pulled on a pair of panties and a tee.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 3:51 PM

He moved into his bathroom to look for the first aid kit he knew he had bought a long time ago. When he found it, he pulled out a few band aids and alcohol wipes. "I don't know if you want me to use these but maybe just in case?" He asked, holding the wipes up to show her.

Isley-Last Thursday at 3:52 PM

She nodded and watched him as he tenderly began to take care of her. “Oh how the tables have turned, am I right?”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 3:53 PM

He wiped her scratches off and chuckled at her words. "You did tell me I'd have to take care of you at some point."

Isley-Last Thursday at 3:54 PM

“Betcha didn’t think it’d come so soon.” She teased, running a hand through his hair.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 3:54 PM

He shrugged, his fingers pulling the paper from the band aid. "I don't think you being hurt is something I'd ever be prepared for."

Isley-Last Thursday at 3:55 PM

“That’s a good thing. I don’t think I ever would be, either.”

Daniel-Last Thursday at 3:56 PM

He leaned forward to press a kiss to her skin, then stood to throw the band aid wrappers away.

Isley-Last Thursday at 3:57 PM

“Thank you, baby.” She said softly as she got comfortable on her side of the bed.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 3:58 PM

He lay down beside her and wrapped his arm around her "Tonight has sucked all around."

Isley-Last Thursday at 3:58 PM

“Definitely. Let’s not do that again.” She chuckled.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 3:59 PM

"Sounds like a plan to me." He closed his eyes. "Only happy times." He said playfully.

Isley-Last Thursday at 4:00 PM

“Mmhmm. I’m exhausted.” She said, yawning, closing her eyes, and wiggling herself closer to him.

Daniel-Last Thursday at 4:00 PM

"Goodnight." He said, his breathing slowing quickly as he fell asleep.

#c:iw

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alys-gay-parade · 7 years

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Thank you.

TLDR: My life was very negative for a long time, and between my friends, in-laws, and you guys... I’ve healed. The people tagged don’t have to read any of this, but if you do, I love you guys.

Also, there are some touchy subjects here. It’s basically my life story and it’s not pretty. I’m pretty sure I worded it vaguely enough to avoid any triggers... but still. Tread carefully and proceed with caution.

EDIT: for some reason one of the tags didn’t work, so I fixed it in case the person wanted to see it.

So, lately I’ve been super happy and blissful. Looking at myself in the mirror is no longer a personal horror story. And I’ve come to terms with a lot of things. So, I guess I’ll just tell my life story because I’m a person who overshares a lot.

I guess I should start with why the fact that being able to love myself is a big deal. Ever since I was 8, I’ve had a very negative self-image. That was mainly due to sexual abuse that I sustained from my dad. And I harbored that burden and was silent to most people about it, even after it stopped when I was 12 (I really didn’t want to go into foster care. My mom wasn’t working and couldn’t provide for me). I guess to cope with what was happening, I tore myself down in the hopes that I wouldn’t be attractive to anybody. But that backfired, because now I have scars on my arms from my constant picking and self harm, and people still found me cute and beautiful. So the only person who found me ugly was myself.

That in and of itself is fucking awful. But believe it or not, it gets worse. My whole childhood, my parents would split up and get back together in a really unhealthy and abusive cycle. Neither of them were really in the right ever, but dad was always the worse of two evils. He would beat her and threaten her and the family, she would rile him up further. A few old friends of mine would be able to confirm this shit because it happened on more than one occasion with friends over. And after mom left for good, dad turned his verbal, mental, and emotional abuse toward me. He even went so far as to threaten to kill Brian, my wonderful husband, because dad’s a giant fuckface and loved to make me cry.

When I eventually moved in with Brian, I was... extremely depressed and anxious. Every little thing would trigger something, whether it was paranoia, somebody raising their voice, being called useless... I was a really fucked up person. There was no “normal” for me. I eventually got a job, but had to quit three months in for a lot of reasons. Mainly it wasn’t being able to afford the commute with my very low hours, but the other part was just being so upset that I would lose focus. I couldn’t function, and only Brian and a few close friends knew why.

Now, I came out to my family about the abuse a few months ago, and basically, the whole clan turned on him. Obviously. There’s no statute of limitations in my state, but I just really didn’t want to dredge it all up with a court case or anything. So my mother, being the saint she is, forced my dad to pay restitution. In the mean time, he’s somewhere in Oregon seeking therapy while randomly sending me money under my grandmother’s name. I could care less if he pays or not, I just don’t want to ever see his face again.

My oldest brother has two daughters, but the real kicker was that he hated mom. He called me right after I had mom spread the word and asked if it was true. Compare that to my middle brother, who came over to my house as soon as he could and the first thing he did was hug the fuck out of me and apologize for not knowing.

The other night, I had an epiphany. When my oldest brother found out that what mom said was true, that probably flipped his whole world view upside down. He grew up on dad’s side for the most part. He probably repressed a lot of things and bought into all of dad’s brainwashing, so when i confirmed “yeah, it happened”, I probably broke him. Because he went silent for a while before his normally pacifist ass got really, really angry. Understandably.

There are other things I wonder, like what my dad’s family thinks. And what his father, my Papa, would have thought if he were still here. None of them have tried to contact me.

I was still very depressed after coming out about all of it. I had no idea why, seeing as getting closure should make me feel better. Probably because 2016 was the worst fucking year and a lot of drama was going on everywhere. But then 2017 started, and I started feeling better...

I began to draw a lot more, love old games that I’d long forgotten in my hazy, destroyed childhood, began writing and feeling like I’ve improved . I started to talk to some of you guys, and open myself up. And the other day, I caught my reflection in a window and thought genuinely to myself for the first time in over a decade “Wow, Alyssa... you look... good.” My scars are no longer a reason to hate myself, but a reminder that I survived the darkest part of my life. And now I’m getting ready to go to a specialty college for something that I love. And in a way... it’s thanks to you.

I’m going to list the people who deserve this thank you. There are more, but these are the ones that come to mind right now.

@jaykay-senpai - my wonderful husband, who has spent almost seven years supporting me through my troubles.

@actual-iggy - an irl friend who’s gone from a quiet freshman to one of the most refreshingly frustrating challenges in my life (just kidding, I love you)

@vapedolphin - another irl friend who serves as a voice of reason and a source of wisdom beyond her years. Truly the greatest friend on the planet <3

@memyselfandyoutube - Every time you comment on one of my fics, it urges me to continue and improve. I wouldn’t be as proud of my current works without you.

@ectink - We met on shamchat and had a really dumb billford rp, but I eventually got comfortable enough to talk to you about my personal life somehow. Also, in case you didn’t already know, you are officially my little brother and you can literally talk to me about anything. <3<3

@mistely - you and I have only recently started talking, but I think our awkward and attempted conversations were what kicked me out of my depressed stupor. You’re genuinely a good person and I’d love to get to know you more.

#I think I've said all I need to #personal #thanks guys #really

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