#literally me since starting this new job

[fitsinthepalm]

it’s kind of wild that you don’t realize how depressed you were until you start feeling better

#does this make sense to anyone else #i’m like currently coming out of a funk #even my therapist told me the past 6 months is the most depressed she’s ever seen me (i’ve been seeing her weekly for 3+ years) #and literally these past like 2-3 weeks since i put my resignation in at my old job #i have had so much energy and motivation #today i walked both dogs and went on a walk with baby girl after daycare #i went to the local nursery and bought mums & pumpkins #i brought out the interior fall decor from storage and put it around the house #like obv i have extra time bc i have some time off before i start my new job #but like!!!! i haven’t *wanted* to do anything for so long #like i was just completely apathetic #i’m gonna cry thinking about it #but it feels so good to feel like i’m turning a corner #hi if you read this far ilysm i am kissing you on the mouth

[thatfaerieprincess]

if one more well meaning relative asks me if i have done any drawing recently i will start screaming and flip a table 🤪🙃

#it's not their fault!! it's not!!! I'm known for being The One Who Draws #they usually get updates from my parents sending out pictures of things I drew for assignments for school for years!! they haven't gotten #anything new in a long time!! #it's not their fault to ask hey have u been making anything new?? #but also if one more person asks I'll literally go fucking nuts I will start screaming crying throwing up #I will begin tearing myself limb from limb #especially if it's my grandma who I see literally every week and she in fact knows I have not been drawing #it's worse when she asks bc then it's also with that quiet pity of someone who assumes I probably haven't but hopes that I have #ANYWAY SORRY I JUST HAD TO PUT THIS SOMEWHERE #I'm doing my best and I'm not in a great space and I'm trying real hard to try and figure out who the fuck I am when my entire life isn't #Completeing Assignments #bc since middle school I have been nothing much outside of a Complete Assignments Machine #and I've found ways to bring my humor and my creativity and things I enjoy INTO Completeing Assignments #but I've somehow then learned I can ONLY do these things if they're for Completeing Assignments #and now I have graduated college and I'm trying to get a fucking job and move somewhere new and my life isn't Completeing Assignments anymor #and I haven't relearned how to have creative fun ideas outside of the assignments framework #but I want to get there again #but I need everyone to stop asking me if I have made any art recently #bc I think for a while the answer is going to be no and if it's not no it's gonna be yes but I'll have made something so fucking weird #you're going to wish I had said no and not explained that I was building a dead rat puppet #im a rambling sam

[charonte-simi]

I need to stop at Goodwill to find jeans to wear to work but that means i gotta try them on and I have this terrible, unfounded anxiety about dressing rooms so i keep putting it off. Someone yell at me tomorrow and tell me to just go to the fucking store and find clothes that fit plz T-T

#since starting T ive gotten too beefy for my old jeans and its A Problem #i literally Have to buy news ones. its too fucking hot to be working a warehouse job in skin tight jeans #i need em lose fitting and comfy why am i doing this to myself #i wish i had someone to go with me T-T #simi speaks

[guinevereslancelot]

kept hearing weird noises in my room all night and at first i was sure it was just my cat then i got up to use the bathroom and discovered she was in the other room. strange noises continued. maybe my imagination but felt something tug my blanket a few times. cat in other room every time i got up to try to find out what was making the noises. if it was a creature of some kind i can't imagine the cat ignoring it? not that she would catch it despite mousing being her job but she would have been fixated on it? wondering if it was actually a creature in the crawl space but it def sounded like stuff in my room rattling around and stuff 🤨

#made it very hard to sleep so i got up an hour early for no real reason #i wanted maximum sleep and didnt have enough time bc i went to bed late #but since im starting my new job tomorrow i want to get myself out of bed at 6am in the future #and i was trying to fix my sleep schedule by allowing myself the extra hour but still getting up at 7 today #but simply was too awake at 6 so got up #i will probably regret this later #but maybe it will get me to go to bed earlier tonight thus fixing the sleep schedule instantly #anyway #not going to sleep well for new job if there's a creature in my room all night making noises tho :( #possibly this has happed before and i always blamed kitty but this time i Know she was innocent #she was literally alseep in her hammock in the other room every time there was a sound #i kept getting up to check once i realized it wasnt her #i hope its not a mouse but idk what creature it could be #??? #the two cats and dog would surely notice and care if they were sharing a home with another creature #(the other cat and dog were accounted for at this time in my brother's room so they are also innocent) #anyway 😬

[bangcakes]

.

#the more it sinks in... the more surreal it feels. like HDJDJDJDJDJDJ #the Way i doubted whether he wanted to keep in touch with me when literally..... said he would... how he always answers me... #messages me when he has news kr something to say..... hangs out with people he doesnt like just to have like.. moments with me.... #i really cant handle it OYXKYDKYTKDDO #its so fuckin weird. like even if we end up just friends... the experience has been so wild..... #like lmao this time last year we had had like. 1 conversation JDJDJDJXJZJZ #literally sat a seat away from each other an entire semester and dint talk til the last day. oh its so funny #god i cant believe we're friends.... #i havent talked to him since i saw him last week at that dinner.. i cant really think of anything to say BDDNDDNNDND #been focusing on job applications #i handed a second one in yesterday and started a third today. hoping to have it done tomorrow but... its not due until feb so... i have som #time to perfect it :)))) #i really hate this stuff. like god it takes so much out of me..... #i'll probs update him on how many ive applied to idk. trying not to overthink HDJDJDJDJDJJ #im not really the type to message unnecessarily and neither is he so hhhhhh lmao #itll be fine.... #personal #have i mentioned hes my favourite :p

[healersadjust]

Finally clocked off for the last time at my job… Hoping to be able to participate in more community things now that i’ll be back to a diurnal schedule <3 Hoping my next job will work out!

#v time bb #lesson learned: don’t try to work jobs your body is physically incapable of working! #don’t get me wrong #i love baking #and i love a lot of the things i learned while working at the bakery #but… i’m consistently in more pain than i’ve ever been my whole life #so it’ll be really good to have a new start #being in so much pain has affected my depression in ways that i never thought it could #and i’ve been so incapable of creating for months since starting here #which is genuinely the worst part #i love making things. i love drawing. i love writing. i love gposing #i haven’t opened ffxiv in literal months because it’s been too much effort #but now i can heal before trying again <3

[nomaishuttle]

ALSO daj complimented my hair andnsaid it was very thick and looked nide and jm like :]]

#great day in connorland :] im sad daj wont be here tmrw tho #n maya wont start until the monday after next i think.. famously its looking like im gonna be training her which GETS SCARES! #shes dajs friend tho and daj says shes rly nice and also i like halfway trained daj and she said i did a rly good job and was very helpful #so 🙏 #also maya is like around dajs age i think(daj is 24) so itll be nice to have another young person... formerly it was just me and nicha and #fiona but me and fiona never rly interact since she leaves so early were just never in thesame area.. she seems super nice though :] #i was worried she didnt like me at first but i think that was just me bejng paranoid bc im down with her now... #but ya. much love to brenda and nee and dee and marian however its hard to be friends eith ppl so much olfer than me... theyre all older #than 40 and obviously that doesnt mean im gonna like. not be friends with them NDFBF we talk we joke etc yk. but theyre literally all old l #enough 2 be my mom like literally my mom turns 40 next year so we just dont have a lot 2 tlk abt... #idk why i did so many disclaimers. basically its like for some reason rly rare for young ppl to do housekeeping i think they all just are #servers. SO itll be cool 2 have a new young person esp one who i already know is chill bc shes friends with daj and daj says ill like her #and alsl we will kind of have to get along sonce were bith friends with daj JFBFJFNGN #so yayyy basically :] im scared 2 train but still excited

[pepprs]

i like uh. literally cannot believe what is happening is still happening btw.pain and suffering (update omg i hit tag limit CRINGE but i think i was done anyway lol)

#purrs #ive felt sort of beholden to keeping it quiet on here bc i felt bad since it was still kinda a secret irl. but i think the word is #traveling fast irl so im giving myself permission to talk about it with my dearest belovedest mutuals some of whom are irl friends i have #ghosted for the last week and a half despite initially trying to set something up bc i have been so miserable over it that i can’t function #and for that i apologize and i swear to god i will get it together eventually. but ok. the thing that happened is that. lol i am crying #typing it bc how do i even say it. my supervisor who is also my mentor who is also dare i say my friend who is also my close colleague who i #is also the reason i even got to the place im in to begin with in so many ways… got a new job. and didn’t tell us she did and dropped it on #us last week. literally a week after i started my new job and i was so so so looking forward to getting to work closely with her in this new #way at last and um. that is not happening anymore. and it could be so much worse like thank GOD she didn’t *** or whatever which is #something i worry about literally constantly. but this hurts. it’s devastating and i feel betrayed even though im so happy for her and she d #deserves it so much. and im so fucking sad and do fucking scared bc there’s literally 3 of us now and we have to NOT PANIC and act like we #are processing this totally fine or else we will face Consequences which are the same reasons she’s leaving probably. lol. idk. it’s very #cringe to post about it and not vague and i know it’s like weird to be close to work and to your colleagues and whatever but it has never #been just work and it’s like. how can this person come into my life and utterly transform it and we go on this journey together and we JUST #reached this beautiful glorious pinnacle but then you leave?? and who knows how long she was planning to do this. lol. and despite how s #much i care abt her im the least close to her personally out of everyone on the team so i am suffering and withering and exploding and #sobbing and howling and barking and i want to talk to her so bad and tell her how much she means to me and that it is physically painful to #think about doing this without her bc she was supposed to like. help me and stuff bc she went thru baiscally the same path im on lol and we #have a lot in common in terms of identity / life situation and i was like ummmmm hi can you teach me how to be a fuller version of myself. #and this ks like such a wake up call that no *i* need to teach me that and no one can. but i don’t want that to mean losing her and im so #scared that she won’t be in my life anymore and i am going to miss her so much. im going to miss every little thing and it’s killing me and #i can’t stop crying about it and it feels like a fucked up nightmare and everything is different now and im temporarily secon in command who #which is like wtf no that’s YOU. come back. how could you leave. but she needed to i guess and i just didn’t know how bad. but it hurts ummm #lol. and if she knew how hard ive been losing my shit i think she would be angry and sad and like surprised bc i think she thinks im #normaler than i am now but it’s like god. there was so much to look forward to and i was already feeling weird about the future and now it’s #like the little parts of it i at least knew i could count on are totally gone because she’s leaving us for fucking ****** of all places LMAO #delete later #i know it’s like weird to vent abt irl stuff / ppl so candidly i know what it suggests about me but this is like my best possible coping #mechanism rn i guess or at least it feels the best bc ppl like the posts and you don’t even have to say anything it just lets me know that #like. im not insane for it iwguess. even though iwreally feel like it. idk. i just am going to miss her so much. i wish i could stop crying

[onyourstageleft]

one of my favorite parts of being an adult with stable & disposable income is doing little things for my friends. husband's best friend tells the group chat that he lost his job? hubs and I message each other at the same time to go "imma send him money for snacks." we've been playing fortnite with our partner and her sister & her sister is the only one without battle pass? consider it gifted. these people have been here for me for the last 4+ years and we were all riding the struggle bus together in college, it makes me so happy to be able to give them a little bit of happiness especially when I don't get to see them in person that much anymore

#personal #now of course we would (and have) helped with rent and groceries and car insurance for our friends #but they've pretty much got that covered for themselves #its the small things that they still have to budget tightly on since most of them are still in college/working part time #i just love giving my friends things that make them happy!! #especially when they need them most!! #our friend who lost his job lost it for bs reasons and told us that he wasnt worried about finding a new job within a few weeks #but that 'im gonna go home and have some delta edibles and watch movies for 12 hours i'll start looking for jobs tomorrow' #and peyton and i literally immediately messaged each other #i said 'have you sent matt money for snacks yet or should i' #and he said 'i'm gonna send matt like 10 bucks for snacks' #it was a v good moment #sav was talking last night when we were playing about wanting a skin thats on the battle pass #but she cant justify the battle pass purchase rn #we immediately looked at each other and silently communicated 'we'll get her the battle pass' #so i gifted it to her today and god it just makes me so happy to see my friends happy!!! #7.59 is a small price to pay for the smile of one of my best friends

[awek-s-archived]

my mom n her bf have an interesting financial agreement in place now it’s kinda making me seethe w rage

#let me explain bc I can’t rage to anyone enough abt this it’s crazy #so he moved in a year ago.. maybe a few months after they started seeing each other. he was rly hyping himself up to us about how he’s like #sooo hardworking around the house and he is generous w money etc #not why my mom started dating him btw like she has her own rented council house and makes more money #but he has 2K saved up bc he prefers alcohol and smoking to eating. more on that later. #so they had kind of an initial agreement of sharing financial responsibility that essentially ended with #my mom paying the rent. the bills. the gas. the electricity. the weekly food shopping. anything else the bf wanted while they were out #bc he didn’t pay for it himself he would just add it to her basket and make her pay #meanwhile he pays monthly bills for his car which amount to smth like £200-£400 a month. he makes that in a week. #and whenever his son asks for money he sends it. his son is 20yo and doesn’t WANT to work btw. #he CAN but CHOOSES NOT TO. he lives in Bournemouth which is a huge tourist city and there’s jobs round every corner. #meanwhile the bf smokes HER cigarettes and downs a 1L bottle of whiskey in 2 days #pays for nothing #obviously my moms not ok w this arrangement #so she was like ok. starting the new financial year (april 2023) we are literally gna split everything up. bc it’s not normal that she pays #everythjng as if he’s her child not her literal boyfriend who is almost 50yo #especially since like if he does happen to have to pay smth he always asks for the money back 🤨 #so my mom. fairly. asked him if they should split rent and bills into 2 (them two) or 3 (me included) #making sure to specify I’m a full time student and don’t have a job rn #and he was like split it into 3 and you pay his share #when I heard I was like ????? AINT NO WAY u think that’s fair. because he had said before that if his son lived here he wouldn’t be making #him pay rent. but he wants ME to. #so it’s definitely some kind of payback tactic at my mom for actually making him help around the house financially #by the way I’ve always told my mom that when I make money if I’m still living here I’ll pay rent. no questions asked. since that’s fair and #I’m an adult. i have given money for bills before when I was more stable financially than I am now #I’ve bought medications and other things. I’ve contributed more actually than HE has w my student finance and odd job payments #and my kofi donations mostly go to household things even if ppl who donate rly want me to get stuff for myself 😭 #anyway and so my mom was like ok since we are being fair and u want me to pay 2 shares #u send ur son £50-£150 every week so Alex can get that too #will cont—

[youremyonlyhope]

4:30am and spiraling about job applications woohooooo

#adulting #still not actually applying yet. i'll start applying at the end of the month i think #since i can't start a new job until mid-ish september anyway #still taking the summer off from full time job and just working on costumes for an opera and maybe a musical too #the freedom is nice. the lack of income is not nice. just paid my credit card bill today. not having that money come right back in sucks. #but i got enough saved up to be more than fine this summer with no consistent income and just the little bit from the opera #but anyway. i think i maybe know one of the job areas i'll start applying to since i need some non-theatre stuff too #because the odds of me getting a job in theatre is very very low right now #but maybe i can use my education admin background for something else sort of adjacent #i'm gonna talk it over with my therapist tomorrow yayyy #my therapy appointment's in 6 hours. i've stayed up way too late. but my bubble tea kept me up. #i was super anxious this weekend and i literally cannot remember why so that's fun. maybe i'll remember in my session. #because i could not breathe during one of the nights this weekend and literally i don't know what caused it. i blocked it out.