#maybe that's what ill do this weekend

[barkingangelbaby]

work is so slow in january so I've been organizing/indexing our ink jars by pms number today n it's nice doing something I don't need to think about

#organizing things by color is honestly my favorite #now if only i would organize all the shit i have in my house...... #maybe that's what ill do this weekend #along with all the fucking laundry I've been neglecting #i gotta rearrange our room too bc we got a v nice jewelry cabinet so that'll be fun putting all our things in that !! #brain is still being v v mean but naddpod makes things a little better #still need to catch up on c3 but ive just beeno #oop too early #just been listening to dnd courts #still need to be beat up tho #ugh #rAMbles

[fishyfishyfishtimes]

Going from only knowing about Monster Prom through fan content and some YouTube let’s-plays to actually playing the game myself made me go from thinking Miranda was the least interesting character to realising how cool and funny she is and having her be my absolute favourite character, and I couldn’t be happier <3 If Miranda had 1 fan it would be me and if she had zero fans I would clearly be dead!! And I’m really NOT saying this because I would be executed if I went against the Vanderbilt monarchy!!!

#i have a strong love-hate relationship with monster prom but i love trying to get all the endings >:) #i can only play on the weekends but so far i have 14 endings! taking every character to prom and getting rejected by every character count #as only two endings i think. #i also love miranda vanderbilt and its so silly but i look forward to seeing her TToTT is this what people with waifus feel like /j #every now and then i just go “i love miranda. did you know that?” to my sister and then every time i explain in great detail why #maybe one day ill write a character analysis… i like doing those. but not today! #rare ranch gamer post #not fish

[ruporas]

more sugiO

#sugio #osugi #sugimoto saichi #ogata hyakunosuke #golden kamuy #UWAHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #ok #i posted on my other socials so now ill ramble in the tags bc its a little less embarrassing to post on tumblr than it is anywhere else #but these are just the results of waiting a week #thinking endlessly about sugio and then doodling my ass off the moment the weekend came #i cant really verbalize how i think of them. in a modern au sense they're ofc much better off and ill talk about that in the future maybe!! #but canon compliant wise................ :melting-emoji: #i am a multishipper so in another universe sugimoto is much more happier with perhaps. someone superior. someone better than ogata but #unfortunately i rotate sugio in my brain the most often and while i picture sugimoto be both regretful and disdainful of his feelings #i do think he accepted his feelings early on once he recognized it #and well. sugimoto is nice. hes really nice. hes sweet and silly and has a knack for romance even if he never really pursued it himself #but he has a track record for ppl that he has loved. and i think those people shape him into his kindness. #toraji... umeko.... and now the person he's closest to is asirpa who is just. eugh. ill cry if i get into their familial/platonic bond. #But u see what i mean. ogata is like a trapezoid box trying to fit in with circles. and that wouldv jarred sugimoto soooo much and consideri #ng the kind of personality that ogata elicits from sugimoto during their interactions . he's Just immediately like Why. Whyyyyyy HIMMMMMMM #but i think he gets around it. a real internal struggle. #meanwhile ogata -- the absolute legend of denial and repression - denies it vehemently. does not See it. and thinks there must be something #wrong with sugimoto -- which is smth he takes comfort in #but he'd never return those feelings -- only the passive affection that could come along with it bc physical affection =/= internal emotions #and i don't find ogata to recognize it -- only catch glimpses of it through odd feelings of warmth -- dreams -- instinctively following #or looking at sugimoto pre-abashiri. its small things and well. it'll whiplash him in the end. #bc love has been so absent in ogata's life. if familial/platonic love can't reach him #then romantic love could never either. and that makes me shake his shoulders and weep. #ive written too Much in these tags. AND THis is Not worded in the best way ANYWAY. but At the least i got to verbally wordvomit it out. it s #been just stewing in my brain bc i have no idea where else to put it down.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before #is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things #the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the #weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad #not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a #prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country #my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for #treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad #as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain #shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing #to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird #when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk #i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach #out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like??? #this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home #somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms. #but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long #term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting #whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot #i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors #i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival #unrelated

[gentil-minou]

i've written 36k for this fic but my brain has reached the point where it keeps telling me im a sucky writer and should just quit and ahhh i need the anxiety to shut up and just let me have fun and not have imposter syndrome

#im actually really self conscious about my writing like even if i do think im good if i say anything more the anxiety is like nope :) #and it all comes from mean kids in high school not liking m short story about an alien getting adopted #which like yeah sounds dumb but i LIKED IT #anyways write for yourself yes but what do i do when im my own worse critic and it keeps telling me to quit #i dont think im going to but im afraid that what happened to me in the ml fandom is gonna happen again and ill get burnt out by #my own stupid high standards and expectations for myself #anyways #i need to eat #maybe im just hangry #maybe i do need a break and i think i will take one once i finish chapter 3 and since im going camping this weekend #but i want to post chapter 2 before i go so we shall see #bushy rants

[kevin-sedai]

The vibe really deteriorated as the day went on, and now I'm sitting in bed, awake, feeling like garbage

#it was an okay weekend but i was jittery and numb for most of it #tried to write christmas cards for the first time in 2 years. cried while doing so and then had to lie down after i did 5 #i got frustrated with the story i'm writing and considered dropping it or deleting the whole thing #spent friday alone pretty much all day which normally i'm fine with but for whatever reason made the loneliness really hit hard this time #spent all thanksgiving day waiting for a familial confrontation #got asked by my 6 year old nephew how old i was and then he followed up with 'well why arent you married what are you doing' #which i'm pretty sure is something he heard in a conversation someone else was having and he repeated it bc he's 6 fucking years old #which btw i don't hold against him or am mad at him about bc he's an innocent kid #but that made me feel really shitty #spent an hour today panicking about this dog virus #and in between all of that i was self diagnosing myself with mental illnesses #which made me feel awful bc it made gaslight myself in thinking maybe i wanted one? #which is so fucked up to the max and i'm so sorry for even putting that here #but i put this all here bc i could never have this conversation with people irl #they'd get too worried or they'd think i'm overreacting or i need to date or need to do something with myself besides read #i'm so sorry everyone #i'll try to be better #i just had to put this out somewhere #and i didn't put this in a journal bc my last entry sounds so teenagerish out of context i don't even want to look at it #anyway i have to try to sleep i have to go into the office early tomorrow #i'm sorry guys #i really am😔

[deeisace]

..

#sorry sorry I just woke up and im having yesterday-was-weird thought again #and they are going here so i don't have to talk to the person that they're um about yet #basically im glad that im in a good enough space now that um #someone ive ive had text-based sex with and uhhh sent an ill-advised video to in like oct when i was Feeling Bad™ and doing. hm. too much. #like 6 months post text-based sex/ill adised video now aha and we've not spoke at all since like january and that was 'how was hols' #they asked to meet up 'not for sex just as friends' or i forget exact wording but basically that #no-pressure museum not-a-date #and i said I'd think about it. because i am as everyone knows a fucking idiot. #basically im glad that im in a better place now than the last time someone like expressed an interest in me as a person #because while this did give me a day long wobble i didn't have a full weekend long actual panic about it #tho they are two v different situs #an ace poly friend asking to go out with me vs someone i uh virtually fucked aha um asking to meet up for (mostly) being-friends purposes #same several-hours-later 'oh god no what have i done bad bad bad no thank you actually no sorry i cant sorry' but less intense this time #but at least i only said ill think about it? #and not actually immediately said yes because it's nice to feel wanted #and then gone Maximum Regret™ because actually all of this is way too much i don't like it i don't want it thank you but im sorry no #weird. i guess i don't have such a high baseline stress level any more? since i'm not at uni n stuff #and someone over messages going no pressure you want to be irl friends (maybe fwb no pressure)? is um #is different. to someone irl going you want to go out acely? yeah? awesome lets hold hands here is the discord with a whole buncha people #i guess #but i am being equally aro-not-super-ace Autism™ about it aha #and i am. eventually. going to be like. thought about it and no sorry. eventually. #if they ask again #i am kinda hoping they'll leave it there and forget they asked so i don't have to navigate social stuff #im much better at navigating canals everybody leave me alone please thank you #(everybody over there leave me alone. y'know. you guys are fine.)

[soldier-poet-king]

Totk ending DID make me cry okay

#overall botw hit me more emotionally. just like the inherent tragedy of it #but totk DID make me cry at the end #ITS THE HOPE AND LOVE AND BEAUTY OF IT ALL #i literally cannot be normal ever apparently #idk what im gonna do all weekend now #ive read ALOT lately so not in the mood to read #too emotionally fragile to finish arcane rn #im hesitant to start another video game bc bg3 SOON #but maybe ill start smthn like crusader kings or stellaris. management game #smthn i can put down and pick up easily when bg3 comes out and takes over my life #i dont wanna play beta bc ik stuff changes. alas

[alwayssunnyinhawkins]

"What can I say, full of surprises" is he flirting or just making a joke

#i 100% (98%) know hes just joking. but let me be insane for a second #the past week ive been in constant state of that one TS meme going around rn: #''so tell me everything is not about me– but what if it is?'' #in that: ''oh i know hes just being friendly. but what if its actually more??'' #me talking #college :) #sexuality stuff #i think he returns from a holiday this weekend so our friend group will hopefully meet up soon and i can feel this out in person now that– #we're closer #i think were planning/hoping for a group cinema trip during the half term so maybe ill get the chance then #tbf im gonna ''create'' a chance (approach him and talk to him) no matter what we doing itd just be easier within that vibe/environment

[lildoodlecat]

h

#ive been finally trying meds for my adhd and i think current one is working but #if im not super productive every day i feel bad #bc this is supposed to help #but idk what's a reasonable amount of productivity when it's finals and ive been rawdogging life up to this point #are the meds actually helping or am i just experiencing adhd stress response. who knows!!! #are they not working or am i burned out!! who knows!!!!!!!!! #i did just finish being extremely fucking stressed and working all day every day to stay caught up #so maybe i deserved to do fuck all this last weekend #but it feelsbad #idk im doing so much different from usual i cant tell if thats bc of the meds or if it wouldve gone like this anyway #man. #i feel like it's making me change plans unexpectedly more and it's fucking me up #or mahbe im just doing that #idk. ill see how i am after finals #there's too much to do and im way too small i wish i could just nap and read and play games for a bit #but my ps3 is still dead and i cant replace it until june or later probably #i have other games but i wanna play tales #and finish the sotc playthrough i was in the middle of #also i still have finals #;-;

[todayisafridaynight]

grabbing the ichi plush by the neck and death gripping it like 'good things are to come its all going to be ok good things are to come' like its a lucky amulet

#snap chats #i didnt even pre order the ichi plush but spiritually i did. good luck charm. #anyway rant time look away from here. Im At My Limit <- i say this every week #I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS WRONG <- lying. my moms home #i just feel terrible again. i feel so awful i gave myself a headache from being upset #do you know how upset you have to be to give yourself a headache just sitting and thinking #that happened when i was taking a spanish test once but i think i was just so stupid my brain actually started to hurt trying to think #i also remember being sad as hell that day tho so....... maybe it was both #everyday it feels like im sad thats so fucked up and theres nothing i can do about it #ALSO IT'S RAINING AGAIN rain never promises anything good unless you're a plant #im working but i should have this done in. idk a few hours #and then its the weekend right.... there's no limitations for sadness though brother doesn't run on a schedule #unless we're talking about seasonal depression but we know what i mean #ew im supposed to go to that con tomorrow i dont even know if i want to go anymore #i just don't want to do anything anymore ig is the vibe #idk i have a journal to whine bout all this in ╮(╯-╰)╭ squeezing ichi plush is a mood tho so im still posting #maybe if i play a lil y7 ill remember theres good things to wake up for.. #also i gave myself another headache OWOWOWOW STOP when will it end #wait let me be sad again because my dad said we'd hang out today or tomorrow #but i just know that's not happening and now im even more sad WEHHH no one loves me etc etc die #sometimes you just need a melodramatic teenager moment i think we're all due that right like once a month #ok i have to stop my head really hurts ☠️☠️☠️

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#it's so weird trying to describe yourself when u really aren't something u used to be #like until i was probably 21 or so id say i was shy. very very shy. but now im like was that even true? was i ever shy bc im not now #maybe i was just quiet and anxious. maybe thats just what being shy is. but im still both of those things but im not shy #im sorta like a hermit. i dont really go around ppl if i can avoid it but i dont hate being around ppl. its just that im less anxious when #im alone. but if u put me around ppl i like to talk to them so im not shy. ill say whatever. i dont really give a fuck #but if u throw me in a group i go back to being a non entity. i guess thats just being an introvert with an asocial streak #thats a thing i noticed while i was at the grad weekend i attended in march. the group would gather and do things while i kinda just #wandered away from them to poke at trees and sit in the snow. i dunno i just feel better away from ppl. my brain gets a lot louder if ive #been too social. which is a shame bc its interesting to watch ppl and understand how thry work #my friend came over to day goodbye before i leave next week. which was nice. i wish we would have hung out more in person but so it goes #and i think in my head im a lot more contained thst i actually am. like if u set me a task that becomes my focus but im also sorta all over #the place. partly bc i think my brain works on like a lag. and also my mood is a little elevated rn so im sorta like *jazz hands* and #talking too fast and too much and oversharing. yesterday i was instrucing an undergrad and felt so bad bc my brain was all over the place. #could not b made linear. im tired now tho bc theres nothing more draining than being emotionally honest and talking for like 2hrs. woof. it #so hot. like fucking so hot bc the monsoons have started and humidity is up so my swamp cooler is fucked and its gotta b at least 80 degree #inside my apartment. holy christ. and the temp has been over 100 degrees for like at least 2 weeks. its so hot its kinda alarming. and im #glad my friend was also freaked out by how hot its been bc oh god its hot. and i cant focus. ive done fuck all today. but i did get rid of #couch which is so so so great. ugh. someone make the sun stop making it so hot #unrelated #its been over 100 degrees outside for like 2 weeks. not on my apartment #and when i say i wish i spent more time with my friend irl. i mean it in a distant sort of way. like thats how im supposed to feel. like i #dont kno if thats actually what i feel or i kno im supposed to b social but idk if i actually mean it

[toastsnaffler]

my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/

#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man #i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks #and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig #even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them- #better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them #like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it #hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders #for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee #the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want #me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so! #anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too #its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh #we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its #kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way #im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily #cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction #its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things #for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a #want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them #and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎 #i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay. #.vent

[widevibratobitch]

.

#vent post vent post lalalala #i wanted to post some pictures from my weekend trip with my friends before its too late but then i saw my fucking face and now i wanna kms #like oh my god. oh my god this is really truly the face im stuck with forever and ever and ever till the day im fuckin rotting in the groun #incredible how unfair life can be lmao (<- girl who is having such incredibly superficial stupid fucking problems but is otherwise #quite privileged but of course that will never be fucking enough for her because she's soooooo fckn stupid and selfish and annoyinggg lol) #i dont know why im so obsessed with it now #like i genuinely remember KNOWING that im kinda ugly (and fat) in high school and being like 'so what lol idc' #so WHY is it such an issue now????? #idk. i just kinda wish i was dead every time i look at my face and realise there's nothing i can do to change it #i can dress in ways that will cover my ugly ass shapeless body. maybe i can even go back to my ed properly this time #and lose some weight. for a time. before i gain back twice as much and the circle begins anew lol #but my face is not gonna change no matter what i do lmao unless i fucking scrape it off with a grater or smash my head into pieces #and like. even if i do get that rhinoplasty (its not gonna change my faceshape anyway. nothing i can do to fix THAT fuckin atrocity) #every time ill look in the mirror i will only be reminded that its fake. and that my natural face was disgusting enough it had to be cut up #to be fixed somewhat. #i just wish i had ONE. just ONE nice thing about my body. literally just one its not even funny lol #and its so fucked up when you look at my mom who was so insanely fucking beautiful when she was my age. like. i cant blame her #cause how could she have known that the genes she'll pass on will not result in anything good lol but also i feel like such a failure #like its not really my fault i got the genes i got. but yknow. #anyway im tired of always being the ugliest person in any group im hanging out with. my cousins? check. my hometown friends? check. #my uni friends? my GOD check (how ARE they all so pretty and skinny??? insane). #god i wish i were dead. like fr fr. im not actively suicidal since i cant bring myself to *do* shit anyway. but i just wish i never existed

[dykedragons]

whats up fuckers i got a job lined up for when schools out lets fucking goooooooooo!!!!!!

#ramblies #babys first job lmfao. third ever application and first ever interview and i fucking got the position!!!! what in the hell!!! gods favourit #its full time and i get to be planting n watering gardens in da summer heat #which i would be shitting bricks abt the hours if this was a handful of months ago but considering ive done 12 hour days at school. often #im not that worried anymore. ill like. actually have free time and all my afternoons and weekends offff itll be so NIIICE #i can hang out with my FRANDS!!!! AAAAAAAHHA im so excited to have free time again #im gonna go on so many adventures and make so many savings and do so much ART!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i mean its seasonal so ill have to look for somethin else when im done but thats ok ^_^ b HUGE confidence boost from this tbh #and who knows maybe over the winter i can just do freelance #but i know that i can commute to places in the winter too so thats not a problem.... ive been doin it for the last 6 months !! #AGGGHHG I LOVE HAVING. confidence and experience and being able to believe in myself.... so wonderful #i dont need to be so scared actually!! of everything!! i will simply adapt to the hardships and appreciate the good things #as i have always done..... #yes. it will be good. it will be good!!

[dragongeek1]

well friends I have officially joined the Chronic Pain Club, it’s not great to be here, there’s a chance it’s only temporary but my gut says ‘hmm many doubts’ and I won’t really know for a couple of weeks anyway until my doctors appointment. So. Been navigating that for four days and well we’re navigating at least

#there’s some sort of apollo prophecy dodgeball meme joke here #re me being close to many people w/ chronic pain/illness and being a strong empath #and already using spoon theory periodically for the mental health shite #‘ha ha wow this is so useful I’m glad spoonies consider mental health strugglers part of this too!’ and then I need you to imagine #that very specific TUNK sound a dodgeball makes #those thoughts have been living in my brain this weekend. anyway #mark and di if you happen to see this. TUNK (the dodgeball sound) #maybe it’s more irony than prophecy but as I said the thoughts have been there #I went to urgent care then the er thurs night because I spent an entire workday and over 8 hrs in severe abd pain #and it started on the lower right side so of course worried about appendix/gallbladder/etc #urgent care said yeah go to the er cause no matter what you need diagnostic imaging #and they asked have you ever had ovarian cysts I said no but my mom has (there’s thoughts it can be genetic) #do an ultrasound and sure enough I’ve got em! #and doing some reading up after the fact ‘most are asymptomatic and go away on their own!’ I was like well fuck #I mean that’s great but I’ve already failed the requirements I had STRONG symptoms #ibuprofen didn’t do a thing for the pain. until yesterday the hydrocodone they prescribed was all that would #yesterday experimented with three ibuprofen and that does help thankfully #so yeah needless to say I’m not very optimistic this is a ‘goes away on it’s own’ kinda cyst #but my obgyn is really booked and even squeezing me in/getting me in sooner is two weeks away #which is okay I get it healthcare is a mess #but yeah that means chronic pain for the foreseeable future #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it is what it is #we’re navigating at least that’s all I can ask for #very glad I have today off because it was a very eventful weekend and I need an additional rest day lmao #but started off with low spoons because didn’t sleep well + pain so we’ll see how today goes #Cassie rambles #chronic pain shite #I have the mental health shite tag. might as well start that one lmao /cries