idk if anyone else with Various Ailments can relate but I find it so funny when comparing different areas of medicine and treatments because some are just in different centuries
like if you read the inserts that come with antidepressants, they’ll straight up tell you that they don’t know how or why it works, but some people feel less bad when they take them.
meanwhile I just got a CPAP for sleep apnea and this machine is so advanced to me. it adjusts everything automatically, it hooks up to an app, it sends all the data to my doctor, and it’s easy to put together. the guy who showed me how to use it said he’s got 90 year olds on these things who have no issues with the technology.
Pulmonology - 3008
Psychiatry - 2000 and late
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Character Thoughts: Chevalier #1
Contents:
The Queen -- reasons for motherhood,
How did the beast come to be internalised,
Importance of Clavis,
Wish to be seen as human.
Vaguely non-descriptive spoilers for Chevalier's route and event stories may be present.
Do you know how the way one was raised influences their perception of themselves? I think that shows quite profoundly in Chevalier... and that it is possible to theorise about the Queen's intentions based on it as well.
So, Chevalier is born. The Queen's marriage is loveless, but she did bear a heir and that clearly is something the King wanted. He should be happy with her now, no? She has fulfilled her duty. She has done well. Maybe now, now that they have a proper family, he will forget about the Belle and will love her instead.
But this doesn't happen.
It may just take time. Maybe she is not good enough. Maybe just any heir is not good enough. So, Chevalier is taught -- and surely, now the King must be satisfied. His son is a genius, after all.
The King, however, remains different towards Queen's affection. Worse yet, he hurts Leticia. One question opens up: why?
Now, from the Queen's perspective, she has done everything right -- their child was conceived within the boundaries of a legitimate union; she gave birth to a son; her son was bright; her son was talented; her son was dedicated. All of those can be seen as crucial only in regards to earning the King's love.
Affection was mentioned nowhere on the list. Chevalier was means to an end -- and what does a child do under such circumstances? They try their best. Conditional love is still love, and he is more than capable of living up to her expectations. He is more than capable of becoming all that a perfect king should be.
So he does. And he takes it to the extreme. Killing that assassin? It only aligns with what he was supposed to be. And yet, the King still does not love the Queen. She has only one nugget of hope -- it is not her. It is him. It is Chevalier who is at fault. She has not done a single incorrect thing, so her failure -- through her faulty logic -- is not hers. She couldn't have succeeded with such a son. It's him. It's all him. It's his fault.
Chevalier does everything right. However, the outcomes of his actions only ever earn him fright. In fact, the more correct he is, the more everybody is terrified. His efforts? They are good. His results? They are good. Therefore, it can only be that he is the element that is faulty. That he, inherently, is a fearsome beast.
The belief sits at his core. It isn't a point of pride, however, but of disdain.
---
There were times I was tempted to say that "Chevalier is terrifying" is what every person thinks and acts upon. However, there is one consistent exception we know of -- Clavis.
Clavis' role in preventing Chevalier from fully embracing his status of a beast is immeasurable. As troublesome as he may be, for the longest time, he is the only one to make an effort to actually engage Chevalier on an equal ground. He does not cry when merely in his presence -- he challenges him, regardless of any failures he may suffer in the process.
Clavis nags Chevalier to be more social. He tells him to smile more. He argues with him. Clavis never gives up, and he surely never gives up on Chevalier. What is more, when he sees Chevalier give up on love after obtaining it in his Romantic end? Clavis does not give up on Chevalier's behalf.
Clavis sees Chevalier's emotion. He acknowledges it. He may be getting some enjoyment out of teasing his brother, however, as Chevalier himself says -- Clavis may not have the best logic, but his intentions are always good ones.
--
And lastly, there is one more thing. As I've said, "I am not a person; I am a beast" is one of Chevalier's core beliefs. It is not a neutral one, and as much as he might have buried this desire, all along Chevalier wants to be seen as a person. He just does not allow himself to even hope for it.
It is Emma's insistence that breaks through to him eventually. Her being scared of him after seeing him on the battlefield? It hurts. He'd rather never be considered a person to begin with.
I dare say Emma changing her mind about him is not a concern that disappears entirely. We can see it in True Love & Beauty and the Knight stories. After hurting people, regardless of whether it was justified or not, Chevalier instinctively puts distance between them. He reverts to referring to himself per "beast". He is worried.
This one thing is terribly hard to unlearn. It takes time, effort and tremendous amounts of trust... And trust he does, one awkwardly loving gesture at a time.
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last week a total of three 'fuck my mental health is so bad" posts landed in my drafts after all and this week has been so wonderful in lots of very small and big ways. I didn't want to keep this in the drafts this time.
Just very happy at the moment. ☀️
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Hozier sliding in with his Unheard LP as if Unreal, Unearth hasn't destroyed me in every conceivable way
now i'm supposed to just work as usual when i have Too Sweet and Empire Now stuck in my head?
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I really love that Pedro never deflects whenever they ask about his immigrant upbringing and the aftermath that comes with fleeing one’s country.
As children of immigrants, we carry it—heavily. Every single day. We see it in our parents faces, in the texture of their hands, in the tiredness of their voices. We definitely do carry it, like he said. Doesn’t matter your age. It follows you like a pesky little bug, picking at you as you grow. That desperate need to do your best, be successful, so that finally you can be able to take care of them and know that their sacrifices weren’t wasted on you. And yet, it still feels like it isn’t enough…
That really got to me. It’s so important to remind yourself that every accomplishment, big or small, is worth it. If you can relate, I’m proud of you! ❤️🥹
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