#my adhd won't let me go back and fix it

[thecherrytarot]

𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐳𝐲.

pick a line to read a channeled message from your person.

listen to : like crazy by park jimin

pile 1 "I think we could last forever"

pile 2 "I'm afraid that everything will disappear"

pile 3 "Just trust me"

𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟏 "𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐰𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫"

𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟐 "𝐈'𝐦 𝐚𝐟𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐫"

if you felt drawn to pile 3 make sure to check it out as well!

"hey there! don't you know it? I'm the one for you, your lover, your other half, your reflection, your king. I will come to save you, I know this sounds so filmy and cheesy but I will come and save you from that locked tower that feels like is always on fire, don't worry I won't let those flames hurt you ever again. I'll help you with every single thing you worry about and fix them for you, oh wait you don't want me do to that? Alright, I understand that you need to grow on your own but I will help you cause that's what friends and lovers do. They help the people that they care about. Don't feel afraid that you might fall back down through this journey, I'm right behind you, I'll catch you. Let's go ride bicycles and don't worry I'll teach you how to do that properly. My friends call me a simp and say that I am down bad for you they are correct about that no lie but they are wrong about how 'cold' you are towards them. They do not know you as I do, they do not know that you just have your guard up but because you have doubts about trusting your gut instinct, they don't know about your anxiety or how shaky your hands get when talking to strangers but fear not I am here, I'll rub your hands when they shiver, ill do the talking and encourage you to do that, I know you don't feel confident about the language that I speak but dont worry ill help you with that too and im good at correcting peoples grammar lol. Something about our connection makes me feel that this was meant to be, the decisions we made were made for us to meet that day or in your words 'god brought us together as a blessing and an apology for the things that we went through.'"

𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟑 "𝐉𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐦𝐞"

i feel like many of you thought of your crush/ partner instead of your future spouse, then take however it resonates.

"I have so much to say, you are my favourite topic and also cause I have ADHD and I get hyperactive very easily. Anyway, I feel like you doubt our connection, you doubt if I am the one for you or are you the one for me and heck I even think you were doubting if this pile was for you aha got you, sorry I love teasing you and bothering you, you are just so cute and I love it when your eyes get big when you are surprised because of me, are they big now hehe let me take a picture fake clicking noises see? this is what happens when you date an introvert lol anyway back to the message I have so many doubts, they are filling my head and I can't sleep because of them no no don't worry they aren't always negative they are random but not the point sorry I keep getting distracted but what is the rating of this cause sometimes my thoughts get wild iykwim. I love the way you care for me, ask me in your sweet voice if I slept well or not and when I say no, I love how you let me rest my head on your chest and play with my hair cause you know that relaxes me. I had the best naps of my life in your arms. Please don't leave me, I am afraid that you will someday and I won't get to marry you as I have planned and no i don't wanna marry my games i want to marry you (not my games lol) sometimes i wonder if you feel like this too, these doubts of overthinking and our possible marriage. i feel like you do, so let's hopefully meet and talk about this topic and get it out of our system cause a little birdie told me that it helps."

" 'Just trust me' what a beautiful line, that's me saying that to you just trust me also look for pile 1, there are also messages for us there. I am a mess. I am losing my courage please come find me. I don't know what to do, I thought I would be fine but I am not. I have everything I wanted but this emptiness…it doesn't go away. I have been lonely for so long that I thought I would get used to it but I am not. I don't mind being alone but I mind not having someone to share my happiness, my sadness, my random fun facts, or just anything. I want to have my own family with you and maybe even kids but at the same time, I am afraid. I am so scared that our kids will end up like me and I don't want that to happen, I want our kids to love me and I want them to talk to me about their lives too, I had to cut off contact with my folks and I will never be able to live myself if our kids do the same with me. I am sorry I know I'm only talking about myself when this is supposed to be about you but what can I do? now that I have a chance to talk I'll say what I want to say in real life but am too scared to do so. When I am with you, you are all I can think of. I forget about my worries, my problems and these thoughts and just focus on you explaining something new that you learned today, it is so cute that you get so eager to tell me about it and I love it so much when you say things like 'oh i thought of you when i read/saw this and couldn't wait to tell you about it' it makes me feel so many things and i have never felt so happy. But when you leave those dark thoughts come back to me and haunt me. I feel scared to show you this part of me, you have an image of me being stable in your head and I don't want to taint it by showing you signs of weakness, I was never allowed to do that was i was young. I am sure you are aware that i struggle with my own shit, and i love that you don't force me to open up and patiently wait for me to do so cause you don't like it either when people force you to talk about your problems. Don't worry that day will come sooner than you think and our love will only grow stronger just trust me"

#future spouse tarot #free tarot reading #pac tarot #pac reading #general tarot reading #tarot reading #pick a card reading #love tarot #tarot #future spouse tarot reading #bts tarot

[anguigenus]

oooohh thinking about Labyrinth Runners again. I was rewatching and in this scene Gus is actually in the detention track room!

Makes me think about my ADHD headcanons for him. A kid that's really smart and moves up grades, but the teachers are a lot harder on him for it. He's expected to be just as mature as the other kids—or more! he moved up a grade after all!

And yet it's so hard for him to sit still and do structured classwork. Heck, even now he sends a double to class instead of actually attending!

I wonder if he was ever sent to detention for doing illusion magic "wrong". Maybe that's why he's so quick to jump to thinking he's in trouble when he does something wrong!

That's classic neurodivergent gifted kid. You know your stuff, but you can't sit still, or you can't pay attention, or you do things a different way from the teacher. And every time, you get in trouble.

Also, there's so so much eye symbolism in this sequence. (To clarify, he breaks down after Adrian digs through his memories. Hunter comes in and sees a series of mindscapes while Gus berates himself).

I mean first of all there's Gus' own glowing eyes. But then we have:

An abominations classroom, probably the one where he met Willow. There are papers stuck up on the wall with eyes on all of them.

A forest. There are Boiling Isles trees in the background, and their knotholes look like eyes.

The classroom mentioned above. There's a big carved eye centered under the board, fixed right on Gus.

Another scene in the forest. This time Bria and her friends are there circling Gus. However, they don't have faces.

Gus in the illusions classroom. He's in front of a table with several mirrors, and the mirrors are full of eyes looking back at him.

Finally, Gus' room. He's curled up in front of his dresser. Guess what? The knobs on the dresser are eyes. And on top of the dresser is a big old machine—specifically, it's called a Phoropter. It goes in front of your eyes, and has hundreds of lens combinations you can flip on to let the optometrists decide what kind of glasses lenses someone needs.

This eye symbolism plays right into Gus' anxieties. He's constantly being watched in his mindscape. They're not other people's eyes though. Bria and her friends didn't even have eyes! No, the eyes are all part of the mindscape. They're eyes in a mirror looking back at him.

The eyes are part of him.

If you get in trouble enough, have someone pick at you for little things so many times, you start policing yourself. You notice you're doing something wrong and a siren starts going off in your mind, going "YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET IN TROUBLE!"

That's Gus' anxiety. He's worried about being good enough in school. Worried about his relationships with other people. But it's not focused on them, it's focused on him. He's constantly watching for himself to mess up.

And guess what? If you're looking for something, you're going to start seeing it everywhere.

When something goes wrong he jumps to it being his fault. Not doing well on an assignment is a personal failure. Things other people would brush off are the end of the world.

He's so hard on himself because he thinks that other people will. It's preemptive action. If he makes himself perfect he can't make people mad. If he punishes himself first then other people won't punish him.

I just, man. This kid. When he's written well he's written well.

#gus porter #toh meta #toh analysis #the owl house #de anguigeno

[fanfiction-blep]

I am so hooked on your writing!

What do you think Quaritch would think of a pure of heart, dumb of ass human s/o? Someone with zero military experience- just a welder there to maintain equipment who wants to touch every colorful and shiny thing they can! SFW or NSFW please 🥺

Shiny~ Navi Miles Quaritch X human!Fem/Reader

Okay so this gave me slight neurospicy vibes. So i will put some of my own experiences as an ADHD person in here :)

Warnings: Reader being clueless and ending up in life or death situations? frustrated Quaritch. Light fluff. slight angst.

So you are more of an engineer than anything else. One of the few things that holds your attention is fixing equipment.

Your small nimble hands working quickly, without distraction.

however, if you are walking away, finishing up a job, or on rout the second anything moves in the corner of your eye. It has your attention.

Native animals in the treeline? yep they have you hooked. Floating glowing seed? your balancing them on your nose.

Everything is a friend until it proves itself otherwise. That can sometimes that can prove dangerous.

But you always have a tall blue man stalking closely behind you. Though you two had not been very public with your relationship it was plain as day when you were together.

You were as clumsy as you were smart. So his hands covering any sharp surface when he was around you was a regular occurrence.

you know the whole hand on the edge of the table thing? yeah he does that with anything that may hurt you, or that you may injure your head on.

One time you dropped a heavy wrench thinking you had a table near by, you did not. Before it could painfully hit your foot Quaritch was there to catch it. "Ye need to be more careful!" He would hiss at you, frustrated with your antics.

There has been one to many times in the filed that you would saunter over to a group of animals humming in joy when they noticed you. for the most part they were friendly.

However you did find that group of viperwolves, and yeah. Not friendly. You got a few scratches for sure. to put it lightly.

Quaritch did not let you get away without a scolding. "If ya gonna run off every five fuckin' seconds and force me to baby sit ya then i won't have ya on missions anymore" "Im sorry" you would whisper wincing as he cleaned the wounds on your arm. "I know baby, I know"

But a few weeks go by and your back at it again but this time with plant. Touching anything and everything. Not watching where you were going.

Fingers tracing along the delicate flesh of strange and new organisms.

Flying geckos catch your eye, spinning in rapid circles moving through the air. You chase after them mindlessly. Until a large pair of arms scoop you up. You look down and see a steep drop. You could have been really hurt.

"Stupid- Don't know why i bother-"

yeah you got cusses out real hard.

Eventually that was what he did, scoop you up and walk away. It was easier then letting you get yourself hurt.

the joke was made more than once that you were a child trapped in an adults body. the issue was, you weren't childish, or immature or clueless. Well maybe the later on occasion. You were just an air head.

one time some of the recoms decided to mock you in a slightly cruel manner. They got a laser pointer and hid behind a bunch of equipment. they shone the light in front of your face. waiting to see your head jump in the direction of the circular shape.

It did, and the excitement drained from your eyes as soon as their laughter rang out. Miles intervened quickly pulling the device away from them and crushing it beneath his boot. He placed his hand on the small of your back. ushering you away.

ready to sooth you and comfort you. however you needed.

#quaritch x reader #miles quaritch fluff #avatar quaritch #avatar the way of water #fluff #headshot

[anexperimentallife]

Help a disabled, neurodivergent, interracial family get back to the US for medical treatment

After three bouts of COVID and other medical issues over the past six years here in the Philippines, my health has deteriorated to the point at which I'm worried I won't get to watch my little girl grow up unless I can get back to where I can use my Medicare and VA benefits for various surgeries and treatments.

Unfortunately, even with all y'all's help, @thesurestthing and I are still in debt from the two-year ordeal of fixing our daughter's stateless status, so we can't do this on our own. My little sister started a fundraiser for us, and there are a couple of other ways to help, as well. If you can't help, please reblog. Thank you! (The PayPal link takes the lowest fees, but whatever works for you is best!)

If you want more details, they're under the cut:

Six years ago, while still grieving the deaths of my adult sons and a painful breakup, I moved from the US to the Philippines with just what I could carry, in large part because it's actually possible to survive here on the pittance US disability pays. I had kind of given up on life and figured I would sort of drift off eventually. I wasn't going to kick my own bucket, mind you; I just wasn't going to try very hard to keep living. And I figured I'd just pass away someplace beautiful.

Soon after I got here, though, @thesurestthing (also American) started messaging me from the states, told me she was going to come to the Philippines and be my girlfriend (even though I told her no at first), and eventually joined me here. We had a baby under lockdown, and got married.

So now I had something to live for. (And most of y'all know the drama with the error on El's birth certificate that left her stateless and took almost two years and a lot of money to get fixed.)

But I have had health scare after health scare over the past few years, including three bouts of COVID (some of you remember the month I spent hooked up to an oxygen machine), two bouts of pneumonia, a persistent two-year foot infection that took surgery to clear up (and is going to require another surgery to keep cleared up), damage to my heart and scarring in my lungs from long covid, a literal hole in my throat that is growing bigger, a spine injury, joint injuries, osteo and rheumatoid arthritis, a traumatic brain injury that affects my memory and concentration, adhd, bipolar disorder, autism, and other issues.

(Not even getting into the dental stuff--Hope to be able to get that done before we go back, here where it's cheaper, because Medicare doesn't cover that.)

I'm terrified that I won't be alive to watch my little girl grow up unless I can get someplace where I can use my Medicare and VA health benefits.

An old friend of mine is a social worker and on the school board in a small Minnesota city with its own VA clinic, and has offered to help us get settled in there, but we still have to find a place to live (suitable for a couple that includes a physically disabled adult, and who have a toddler), some basic household goods, some cheap used transportation, and need to survive for a couple of months while Zoey looks for work.

Given our situation in general and the fact that right now my disability is our only income, we're probably looking at having to pay at least six months (or possibly an entire year) of rent up front in order to get anyplace to lease to us.

We can't stay with friends because every single stateside friend we have with a spare room also has a cat--and I have an anaphylactic allergic reaction to cats, meaning that I will literally die if I'm around a cat for too long. I've had to go to the ER because I slept in a room that had a blanket in the corner that a cat had momentarily lain on. The only way I can be around cats is if I'm on massive doses of immunosuppressive drugs, which, well... The whole issue here is that I keep getting deathly ill, so suppressing my immune system even more is a non-starter. Oh, and Fel D 1, the protein secreted in cat dander, saliva, and waste, can stay even on hard surface for up to two years, and even longer on porous surfaces.

Again, if we weren't still in so much debt from El's birth certificate debacle, we might be able to do this at least mostly on our own. But as things stand, we can't do it on our own. We need your help.

If you read all of this, thank you very much. And again, if you can't give, please reblog.

For more medical details, check my Rob Gets Medical tag. For more details about Eleanor's birth certificate saga, check my Baby El tag.

#rob gets medical

[cinnamonest]

Hello all. Sorry for my radio silence until now, here's a half-vent-post, half-update-post for the mess I have going on.

So, my second doctor's appointment... I am very grateful to have a wonderful employer who let me take some time off, so since I've been not great, I've gone to stay with my parents for the week.

I am experiencing what I was told is something called "polydipsia," which I can only describe as something I would come up with if I were asked to devise a new method of psychological torture. It's the sensation of intense, constant thirst, but drinking water doesn't do anything. Like, you know how normally when you're super thirsty and drink water, you feel a sensation of relief when you drink water? That doesn't happen. When you swallow and put the glass down, the thirst is just as intense as it was before you drank, it just... does nothing. You just stay insanely, incredibly thirsty, nonstop, and there is nothing you can do, no amount of drinking makes the sensation go away, but you keep getting the urge to drink because that's what your brain compels you to do.

It was mild at first, now it's reached a point that I'm chugging bottles of water, just nonstop, can barely sleep due to thirst. I know it could be so much worse and a lot of people have much worse things and this is minor by comparison, and I'm very grateful this isn't painful, but it's driving me insane. Just the constant sensation that you're trying to fix but nothing alleviates it at all despite trying is frustrating in a way I cannot describe and it's slowly worn me down to the point of psychological exhaustion.

Apparently, this may be due to some kidney issue. If so that means basically all that water I'm drinking, is actually not being absorbed by my body, my kidneys do nothing, so basically it's as if I'm not drinking at all. So, effects of dehydration as well.

At first with the urgent care doctor I went to initially, I was told that I am not diabetic due to blood sugar normal levels and that I had a kidney problem I needed to see a specialist for. Then I finally got an appointment with the primary care doctor, who said that may be incorrect because diabetes would easily explain the polydipsia. However, the last blood sample they took for lab work they did a few days ago came back and it turns out, once again, I am in fact NOT diabetic.

They drew even more blood and did a series of extensive fluids tests, basically measuring the contents by electrolyte, so I would get updates of lab results sent to me reading like "potassium - normal" and "chloride - normal" etc etc as they test each component. Everything kept coming back as being at normal levels until it hit sodium, and then for some reason, sodium and only sodium got flagged as being imbalanced.

I may have "diabetes insipidus", I'll just have to wait for testing results.

Unfortunately, with comically impeccable timing, I needed wisdom teeth taken out as it's apparently already begun to undo my previous expensive orthodontic work, so I just got out of wisdom tooth surgery yesterday. However, since I have ADHD meds (which are amphetamines) flowing through my body, they put me under general anesthesia rather than laughing gas.

So it's done, my mouth is stuffed with gauze, I'm numb with opioids for the gaping holes in my gums, I feel like a pincushion with the number of needles that have been stuffed in me in the last 72 hours, but it's done and hopefully I won't need anything more.

#i am so grateful my employer made this easy and was so understanding i love her #a few years ago at my old job i nearly got fired because i had to be rushed to the hospital and thus missed work #'we expected you to be there and you didn't show? you didn't even call me to let me know?' #like oh right my bad sorry for being unconscious #also on the bright side being given anesthesia rather than laughing gas means I didnt have that embarrassing loopy post-surgery phase #however i was still very like spacey and dizzy and disoriented while waking up which isnt quite the same but #the lady was like 'here's your jacket you can put it back on now' and I said 'thank you' and immediately dropped it on the ground #or so my mother recalled to me #sorry miss nurse

[fragileizywriting]

"the reason why you're so let down by your own art is because you have expectations for it," my ceramics teacher told me, senior year of highschool, where i was trying to make something and i was getting frustrated because i didn't have the skills to build it. with that, she'd essentially made me stop crying on the spot— i was sobbing, because i wasn't sure about anything in my future, and we were nearing the end of the year and i couldn't even make one stupid ceramic piece.

at the time, contextually, life was getting hard.

i was practicing 5 hours a day for solo-ensemble; 2 hours during school and 3 hours after, while trying to pass my graduate-required classes, unmedicated with terrible ADHD. i was exhausted. i'd lost a friend group because they didn't like that i was putting music before them, because i wouldn't see them in the mornings because i was busy in the practice rooms with the pianist working on beethoven, of all things, showing up nearly an hour before school opened for classes because i was so unsatisfied...

and idk. the weight just kind of got to me. i won't lie, being 17-18 was hard. it's too much. and i was just having such a bad time, trying to make something in the one class that actually felt like fun, as opposed to singing that had taken over quite literally my whole life. (it dominated. i couldn't do anything. prospects of going professional; of going to a school specifically for music, because i've done it my whole life, played so many instruments and sang for so long, i even had a dream for three months of becoming an opera singer, because there was a local school that practically everyone who was in this section of my hs got shipped off to after they graduated.) so when i couldn't make a simple rectangular prism out of clay, i just started sobbing. full on tears. i couldn't even breathe.

i think i was having a panic attack.

i remember my ceramics teacher so well, how she was one of those old women who drank green and blue smoothies for breakfast and had expressive, abstract acrylic earrings. her art room was a mess, and it was always made worse by just how she lost everything all the time. you couldn't tell if it was grey hair or clay. she had the smallest, narrowest glasses you've ever seen, full of clay on them, too. all she wore was denim overalls, or flightsuits, and it looked nice on her. i think they fit her really well, and hid that she was skinnier than a normal spine.

she just sat me down—- i don't know how she saw me over the stack of massive sketchbooks on her table, the ones that she was grading them for her 2d drawing class—- and told me that.

"the reason why you're so let down by your own art is because you have expectations for it."

god, i was so embarrassed, crying in the middle of class. it was horrible. humiliating. i couldn't stop myself from crying from embarrassment.

i remember asking her, "isn't that the point?" because this was for a grade, i needed points, i needed all As in my classes because that was the only way in to get to the college that i wanted.

"you're being graded on intention, not the actual box. and you're having too much expectation of yourself to make a perfect box and it's hurting you. it doesn't need to be a perfect box. who are you making?"

she was so smart. she'd clocked immediately that i wasn't just making a random box, but rather a way-too-specific design. i told her that i was creating a character of mine.

"he doesn't need to be perfect. i hope he isn't perfect." she kept repeating that over and over again while i broke down in tears again. with one look at my sketchbook, she went: "oh. you don't even need to make a box. if the box isn't working, try making a hotpocket shape. show me that you're having fun. don't spend so much time trying to fix it."

i still have the ceramic i made. i've been digging through my drawers today looking for a notepad when i found him and i got shotblasted back into the past. it's not bad. it's a little broken, because there was always a girl who loved making things to break in the kiln, so some pieces are missing. my box can't even stand on it's own, either, because it tips forward from the weight (and causes it to break more).

i'm glad i made him, anyway. he's really important to me.

#speakizys #this has no conclusion i think #take what you will fom it

[incarnateirony]

At least she's confessing she takes handfuls of mhi pills now. Instead of pretending she's okiedokie it's just ADHD. Now if only she would look at that, then look at the last pinned post and her playlist, then look at reality, then let me go. So here we go trying again, condensed.

Yo, crazy lady with the handful of pills who's inner self she keeps disassociating so she can ride my dick and have zero accountability, that inner logic brain self told her to go to therapy. Read it again.

Whether or not you accept it, that is reality and the core of your problems. Every fundamental you think of Hermes, was just me understanding myself THROUGH Hermes because I was actually following his path, and you leaned it all on me.

That is LITERALLY there due to your attachment to the way our characters met in roleplay, that is the only reason it is there. End of fucking story. Remember my name, you goddamn know it.

Now you're gonna get mark and your other misled pals all the way off.

If you want to try to learn Hermes, that's fine, but you gotta learn HIM, not me. Khaire has a beautiful, unique, but appropriate playlist. Yours is a mess of old albums I all referenced, it is literally my old vibe list, again.

Giiiiirl. Girl it should not be so hard to dump you that I've made a bootstrap paradox trying to get the fuck rid of you. Why the fuck are you acting this brain damaged, I don't know how many pills you have to take on a day, you posted your playlist with some accidental prompt lucidity, thinking you were being annoying, only to give me your heartsong key and show it's... still fuckin mine, mostly.

YOU WANT TO FOLLOW HERMES, THEN FOLLOW HERMES, NOT A SHADOW OF ME YOU'VE GRAFTED YOUR UNDERSTANDING TO. HE WAS LITERALLY MY WRITTEN SHADOW PROCESSING BLOC GIRL.

Your ENTIRE UNDERSTANDING of him comes from trying to shortcut across my own path and my own identity, and "Secrets" being so high on your list only to descend into the rest literally quantifies that. Maam every moment wasn't divine inspiration, it was my own soul trying to find who it was in this life, as it is for everyone, if they listen. And you ran off with that, because you refused any of the work that wasn't roleplay romance or disassociative channeling for attention. And you're still refusing the work now, just coasting on the easy parts!

If you realize you've been on the wrong path YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO WHERE YOU FUCKED UP, not JUST KEEP WALKING

ATHENA IS SCREAMING BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO BUSY CHASING ME TO LET HER OUT. Therapy is just guided shadow work, hence me working in crisis counseling. Whether people call it that or know the mystic face or not isn't the point, it's the same fucking thing. your Logic Brain is telling you to go to therapy because she's trapped in that Giant Screaming Lady but is among your more accessible levels, maybe Artemis too. She can't fix it, because you won't let her. Your Logic Brain told you to go to therapy so you stop intentionally confusing yourself with my Chaos Brain, which is in fact a different brain, and mine, not yours.

That's why Athena told you to go to fucking therapy. Because she can't help you, because you won't help you, and you won't help each other until you face this very basic truth.

What's got you fucked up is accepting you thought you dumped one of the few Magi that can on command pull off his mask and be him, all of him, everything all at once and everywhere, but also still maintain being myself. And man, that SUCKS for you to have picked a fight with. Or stalked or gotten confused. Or been highly offensive to the ssnakes in the sservice indusstry and the manager. Something about blackscreening from a hidden screen you were thinking about a lot. I have an eight page doc of notes called "stole it from the supervisor, not sorry about it."

Yo crazy lady in the wet bear suit with the handful of pills and the therapy because her inner logic brain can't anymore that's arguing with the 20x accredited psych worker and degreed Magus. Yeah you. Why do you think the song we met on, basically, is still in your playlist core, and all the albums I referenced. Lloth of the 10th in red that doesn't know why she got Boo'ed by the spider weilding Pan so vividly. Crazy lady. You.

Lady, you've been dumped by Coyote, and now you gotta set your shit straight with all the other people you've done fucked up and gotten locked on me. You wanna follow him you have to do more than copy me and other people's playlists or my old stories or designs or, literally, my old shadow processing bloc.

We're still fucking doing this? Is it the depth of the entanglement you've cursed your life to, or the embarrassment stopping you more now? Gonna give ALL our secrets away, sweet cheeks.

Some fucking things in life aren't about your motherfucking opinion or personal comfort, princess. Sometimes, we lose things, and sometimes we make mistakes, and those things can't be fixed and won't come back, and it's time to learn to process grief like a fucking adult and face reality, because this is it, this is reality. And you objectively refuse to actually go back and learn Hermes properly from the gate, you don't want to, you WANT to stay clung to me even when our ancestors are screaming, and athena is screaming, and your inner broken self is overall screaming, and I'm screaming, and you still won't fucking listen, let me go, or learn over right, you just keep doubling down on a path you fucking admitted was wrong without turning around.

I REGRET TO INFORM YOU IT TAKES MORE THAN CHANGING YOUR BLOG TITLE TO CHANGE YOUR PATH.

This shit is literally my experience with you harassing me at any possible angle for the last three years since our breakup, begging for my motherfucking attention, and maybe you hadn't noticed, there's a lot of Cat metaphors going on.

BUT UR NEW ICONS ARENT ALL RAINBOW HAIR. well yeah. I started basing them after my appearance at the time fused to the other elements. That and, Coyote was a fractal part of a whole. There was still Ash's mess and the rest to unpack. That, all of that, is me and my history and family and lineage and right, and you fucking have your own but you keep trying to ride on mine. Yeah there's a crazy disco lights rocker in here, but he's actually unified with an old gambler staring at you and squinting, woman. Hey. Hey Lady. Guess what it's all of them all at once, and that makes me. What's not clicking. Now fucking do yours. Now will you consider hopping off me long enough for sis to actually give you a hand?

Girl it's time to accept "Min" knew you were full of shit for at least a few years before we broke up. And was all but over you. But made you a series of promises, and intended to keep them, even if it was slowly killing me. And it still is, just largely and rapidly now. Because I/she/me/whatever you want to disassociate your ex lover to are still keeping that promise. You won't let us go, so we're still technically with you, so we're making it so you don't have to do the Work and are doing whatever you need to be provided for. You know, promise 3, getting you out, even if that's just Athena and a new installation for her that actually fucking functions. You not liking what that looks like is somewhere among a plethora of personal problems.

Big brain time Shea. Imagine if Ash and Coyote DNA digivolved as one anthropologically coherent legacy become personage and X-crossed into someone that used to call themselves Min, and then you managed to piss them the collective and him the singular off by being a veil of conscious and willful delusion fuckin stalking abusive llothian shadow cultist fucking up Athena, Artemis, and Selene all at once. Try that hat on, cocaine bear. Brian was always my chaos brain. Niekai was always your logic brain. Why are you fighting this.

Someone sure the fuck is in the giant shitbowl you keep trying to ignore happening. We've been in code blue for hours.

Huh wonder why this is.

I'd like my mask back. All the way. No halfs this time. Those are my air jordans, my songs, my works, my stories. Running from the octopus jibberish was just the first bandaid ripped off. Your castle of glass is going to break. The thing you're only a crack in. Funny. That song's not mine. But I, too, reflect energy.

Call me thee crustdaddy, honest papa lotus, the angels are laughing and saying be mushroom funny guy.

Fuckin sorry everybody I started going code red for a second there but switched tracks, we're good now.

#piratecandyrumpockyridingsniffmakesbuttrumhoopleborpna #i make uplifting emotional abuse music #my gun so big the matrix had to reload it #just stop stealing my shit homegirl hashtag magus #you put copyright symbol on other people's work and are still connected to me psycho #Youtube

[kirarinlovesidols]

Yes I did say i wouldn't write again and i stand by that but i'm brainrotting and i promise you this will truly be the last time(copium).

Basically this is just some headcannons of how normal mornings in their domestic life with you is like! But as parents ofc. I added some extra characters since we got some more ppl and also cause i realized I forgot Scaramouche in my last post 💀

As always terribly fucking sorry for my bad and cringy writing or any bad grammar or OOC.

Afab reader btw and i might use terms like "mother, mom" etc but no pronouns defined.

Also this was supposed to be mornings but it turned into general headcanons too and tbh never expect me to be consistent, i have ADHD.

Mornings with genshin men as fathers, part 1.

Mondstadt.

Diluc

‌For starters he barely even SLEEPS.

‌More often than not he's busy taking care of the tavern, inside his office or doing his darknight hero business.

‌You has a lengthy conversation with him about it so nowadays he's more likely to value his life and won't fight carelessly, he has children to raise and a partner after all.

‌Anyways it's hard for him to sleep more than 4 maybe 3 hours and can't rlly spend much time with you or your children but istg he's trying.

‌In some rare occasions you'll wake up to his sleeping face. Scarlet hair delicately framing his face, freed of it's usual ponytail. Truly an ethereal sight.

‌Is also the type to wake up his kids by sitting on their bed, patting their head and softly calling their names. Saying it's already morning and that Adelinde made pancakes.

‌You people have no idea how much Diluc appreciates the period of life where his kids are still small, cute and need him.

‌If asked he will deny it but the way he has your daughter cradled in his arms, head resting against his shoulder, napping after eating gives him out.

‌You just watch the sweet scene, cradling your son as he got sleepy right after eating his fill like his sister.

Kaeya

‌Has the weirdest fucking habit of sleeping on the couch cause he's either too tired or too lazy to go to bed so it's very common to wake up to an empty bed, walk to the living room and seeing your husband laying there looking like a dead man.

‌You already have got into fights with him for it and he still doesn't fix it.

‌You worry about his back and his neck since this seriously causes pain to spread all over his body.

‌Kaeya doesn't complain about it though, he's sorry for worrying you, he swears. However the changing point was him waking up to his daughter giving him her pillow, trying to move his head with her little hands in a way that wouldn't wake him up(she obviously failed).

‌He considers himself a lame dad now for making his baby worry about him so he actually sleeps on your bed now.

‌Is also usually in charge of breakfast! The cavalry captain refuses to let you do any work when he's home. It's his way of letting you rest and thanking you for all you do.

‌ Turns chores into fun little games! He wants your daughter to learn how important house keeping skills are for the future. Even if it does hurt him to imagine her leaving it's his duty as a parent to teach her.

Albedo

‌Another bitch who barely sleeps. Either spends the entire night in his lab doing experiments or he's revising Sucrose and Timaeus's projects.

‌You try your hardest to stay up and wait for him to come to bed but god. Being a mother can be really tiring sometimes, so more often than not you're sleeping away by the time he ACTUALLY enters the room.

‌As weird as it sounds your son is usually the one who has to remind Albedo to sleep, even if he doesn't need it much or at all.

‌The boy is quiet and in the rare moments he feels like speaking his tone is very soft and easy to miss if you don't pay attention. His steps are just as silent.

‌The alchemist is so absorbed in his job that he fails to realize the little presence in his lab.

Small hands make their way to the hem of his pants and perform gentle tugs. Albedo only sighed, he already knew who it was.

"Shouldn't you be asleep, Ruby?"

He turned around only to see bright eyes staring back at his own. His son's eyes reminded him so much of you, he thought it was adorable.

"Sleep."

That was all the little boy said. And it was just enough for his father to understand it's meaning.

"Alright, alright. Sorry for worrying you and mommy."

A smile made way to his lips as the man picked his baby up. Immediately he could feel the toddler's head resting on his shoulder, a sign of trust and comfort.

"But let's go to bed ok? being up late isn't good for you."

‌Albedo is the master of making food look like art, this man doesn't need to be extra but he wants to be.

‌When he makes pancakes he likes to craft intricate shapes. You seriously feel bad for eating something so pretty.

Bennet

‌Wakes up early to make breakfast!!

‌With Benny it's a bit of a hit or miss situation cause of his bad luck. Either you wake up to the smell of burnt eggs(in worse cases your entire fucking kitchen) or slightly charred but still delicious toast.

‌Likes to keep himself active and has a morning workout routine. He won't force or even ask you or your daughter to join but you do anyway, his smile when you two choose to spend time with him is seriously priceless.

‌He still has a hard time believing he has a partner and a kid who love him for who he is, bad luck and everything so he becomes emotional really easily and kinda clingy too.

‌Your baby doesn't mind it, in fact she loves it! It's very common to see them cuddling during nap time.

Venti

‌He might drink less often now that he's a father but it doesn't mean that you don't have to deal with drunk clingy Venti coming home at the asscrack of dawn after an entire night of partying away at Dawn winery every now and then.

‌You don't particularly mind since he does need some space too. He settled down with you(which was a fucking miracle) cause he loves you and your son to death, never doubt that. However...the bard may feel suffocated sometimes.

‌Usually wakes up at either 7Am or 1pm there's no in between.

‌If your baby takes interest in music you can bet your husband is going to flex his bard™ skills.

‌So many duets, you're so proud.

Razor

‌Wakes up with the sun, can't sleep more even if he wanted to. After years of following his pack's routine, it's ingrained on him.

‌Doesn't wake you or the kids up though, his protective nature makes him want all of you to sleep as long as you can.

‌So you usually wake up with the smell of breakfast or the twins literally jumping on your bed so you'll get up.

‌Takes the boys with him during morning patrols around your house's area. His habit of checking to see if anyone got lost or hurt in the woods never actually changed.

‌Andrius is not amused to have kids trying to climb him or pulling his fur but doesn't mind it, they're his grandkids anyway.

#genshin impact x reader #afab reader #KirarinWritting

[spilled-reincarnation-dust]

so what's happening here?

okay. so first off - i changed the main's url a while back and then realised 'wait if that's not using this one then i can put it back here' i intend to dedicate most of my spoons today to fixing links - if it's been more than 8 hours since this post was made and you find a broken link, please tell me

but anyway. we are reincarnating (i still got the long covid but trying to make it easier on me this go around)

what's changing? well, i intend to have two different types of builds here: - adaptations - direct adaptations of a character, presented without description as the original character's should suffice. for example, gym leaders and danganronpa characters would likely fall here. instead of characterisation notes, i'll just have ideas of how to integrate them. (this doesn't necessarily mean all the human characters will be human though. that's boring) - inspirations - the majority of existing builds fall under this. examples being basically any mon that isn't a specific one like guildmaster wigglytuff. these will have characterisation notes though perhaps not as in-depth as they used to - long covid messed that one up a bit.

and what's new?

i'll be making example sheets, probably using MPMB's pdfs. i say probably because they need adobe acrobat, so don't run natively on linux and i can't get them to run through wine - but they look so good i've set up a win10 virtual machine just to use them - why this over beyond? beyond still hasn't implemented some stuff properly, and the exported pdfs require scrolling in some fields in my experience which means no printing - why this over dicecloud? again, pdf export reasons - you can't export it in any easily readable way - why this over insert any other pdf here? this one does the maths for me :v

if these sheets don't work out for me i'll be using dicecloud for the maths and just copying stuff into another pdf. if they do work out i'll put a proper payment in for them; i appreciate PWYW for letting you try them out first too

generally these will be level 5 or 6 to play around with how i see them.

i have no schedule for this currently. i'm mostly posting this to try and force brain into it - the adhd stuff is. Going - but hopefully i'll get /somewhere/ next month.

i also intend to update all the existing builds. mostly just making sheets for them, but some of them there's cool new stuff they can use on heroforge. as such, i'll be preparing them, and once i have enough i'll start queueing them and updating their links once i do

regarding homebrew - my friend's homebrew i've used for a couple isn't available currently, so i'll adapt them to new roles. scrafty's going to be the hardest, but i can deal i do intend to look and see what homebrew is set up for whichever sheets i end up going with - it won't be the main focus but it will give some inspiration...

but yeah. tl;dr long covid + adhd are kicking my heck but we stay silly :3

[unluckyhoneybee]

I need to rant and get this out.

My experience right now on the route to self dx, self discovery and looking for support:

(English is not my first language, maybe there are some terms written wrong or something, I don't plan to offend anyone, I just literally translate a lot of stuff. If it's the case, tell me and I'll correct it)

I think it was around November when I started seeing these tiktoks about adhd. My first thought was to think that it was bullshit and those weren't symptoms, everyone taps their foot when nervous or stims a bit. Right?

Well, it started bugging me a bit when instead of this "cute and quirky" videos, more serious stuff started to shoe up on my time line. It talked about attention and focus issues, about adhd paralysis, sensory issues, executive disfunction, hyperfocus, etc. I related too much to all of this.

I decided to start researching about this. I literally hyperfocused on Adhd. I could only think about it, watch videos, read, follow people, etc. I discovered that no, some of those symptoms I thought were common for everyone were not. I discovered that yes, everyone can tap their foot when they are nervous, but it's something truly common for adhd people. It's a common trait.

Well, I reached the point in which I needed to start talking to someone. My friend as adhd. She is literally my best friend. I wasn't expecting a reaction like this. I told her I believed I had adhd and she said: No you don't, you are really intelligent. You probably have really high IQ. Cool. I felt like shit and tried to explain to her that I had been reading about certain symptoms and that it made sense. She made me list some of them and then told me that it wasn't adhd, it was probably just something else. "I am very sensitive to noises and crouds and going to bars makes me anxious" "You are really introverted" that shit hurt and for a couple of days I felt lost. At that point I was so sure I had adhd and many things had started to make sense.

Then I talked to my sister and she said, it's alright. What do you plan to do now? I don't know. I still don't know. But she stayed with me, she let me rant and understood, she asked questions and listened to me. Also, she had just made a friend who is working on her diagnosis and I'm so thankful because we are always exchanging experiences.

Coming back to my best friend. When the idea that I have sdhd settled back, I realized that it made her insecure. She is really insecure. She is not the best in the class, she had a hard time studying and passing exams. She always said it's the adhd and she truly believes that it makes you stupid or something (no blame to her, her mental health is on the floor and has too many problems to deal with and fix). I get better grades, I know a lot of stuff about nature, animals, etc so for her, if I have adhd and can pass some exams it means that she is a failure and could do better.

Then, after admitting that I have adhd I started talking to my mum and dad because I'm sure it comes from my dad's side of the family and there are many (dad included) that have adhd in there. Okay. My mum has her doubts. Again, I'm intelligent. How am I going to have an attention deficit?

My cousin (5yo) probably has autism. Everyone in the family is worried because he needs to be "fixed". Bullshit. Yeah. But I have felt very misunderstood for my whole life and I'm not going to play that game. I started researching because I read about Audhd and because Im 90% sure that the kid is autistic. I want to be ready if someone brings it up in my family because I know that they won't do it in a good way.

During this austism research, I started doubting. What if? Again the same process. This time I only told my sister. Watching how my best friend reacted and how my family talks about my cousin's "problem" I don't feel ready.

At this point, I'm almost sure I'm autistic. I ve read about masking, about how adhd and austism can hide each other when they come together, late diagnosis, how girls get less diagnosed, more and more symtoms... I've done countless of test for both, autism and adhd, and they all come out as positive.

The thing is I don't feel ready to reach for Profesional help:

I have always known I'm different from the people around me. I wasn't like the other kids, like my friends. I preferred to stay at home than going to the park. I had a room full of Playmobil where I loved to spend time playing, preferably alone because other kids didn't "play well" (they didn't play the way I thought it should be played). This feeling of being different has always been there, it's like feeling misunderstood. It doesn't matter how much you try to explain, they never fully understand.

My dad just thinks it funny. Jajaja, my kid says I have adhd. My mum still doesn't see it. So you have that too? The only person that supports me is my sister.

For ages i have been trying to tell them that I need boundaries, I don't like physical touch, I need a lot of alone time, I have meltdowns and shutdowns and sometimes can't manage my feelings well. Every time I try to stop them they say I'm rude or have the worst moods. Lili is so rude probably the sentence I have been told the most in my whole life.

I've read some stuff about how sometimes an asd dx can close many doors and don't have many benefits for some people.

I don't want to face my family and have to explain but I really want to because of my cousin. I don't want him to grow this confused because now I look back and many things would have been so different if I knew what was going on. I've felt like shit so many times because I couldn't work out stuff and function it like others wanted me to. If I only had an answer...

I fear negative results. If they tell me I don't have any of this disorders, I know I'm gonna break. Plus, I don't have that much money to go from therapist to therapist.

I really fear rejection and people doubting my words. I don't want to have to prove anything to anyone but I know that it can happen.

I'm in a place in which I have settled for this. My personal experience plus what I have learnt, tell me this is true. I have adhd and asd. I'm not in a good place to look for a proper diagnosis yet, so the self dx is the only option. I'm starting to open up and understand many things about myself and how my brain works but still it is so scary to have to tell people. My symptoms are there, they are just masked. But I also fesr that if I start unmasking people will tell me I'm making it up. So stay "hidden" is the only way right now and it's so frustrating and scary. I wanna feel better and I'm slowly working on it. I'm accomodating my whole life to this new view and it feels good. I don't fear noise canceling earplugs now, or staying at home or just moving away if I need alone time. The rest will slowly come as I learn more and more.

If you have reached this, thank you for taking some time. I needed to get all of this out. Another day, I'll talk about my symptoms and traits, I'm still ordering those and trying to see where everything comes from.

#Austism #Adhd #Audhd #Neurodivergent #Honey bee's rants #Rant

[star--nymph]

3, 9, 12, 30, and 39 for Eurydice! (which btw is a lovely name for a lavellan)

!!! Thank you so much for both the asks and for the compliment! I love her name so much, it's just so pretty and melodic.

3. What is something they really like about themselves and what is something you really like about them?

Eurydice likes that she's quiet and strange. That she can think clearly without letting irrational emotions get in the way and come up with her funky ideas. She enjoys being by herself, enjoys daydreaming and silently hanging, and figuring out things on her own. She also quite likes her hair--hence why she combs it so often! I love everything about Eurydice so it's hard to for me to pick. I think what I love the most is that she's unapologetically very autistic herself and despite everything the world tells her, she doesn't want to change. As someone whose neurodivergent (I have ADHD), I've always felt very...wrong, I guess, for who I was. So creating Eurydice has this unabashedly strange and offputting person who can't ever quite get a grip on social interaction or being anything but brash but 100% doing her best is something that is so freeing for me. I admire Eurydice so much which is funny considering she is my OC, but she's kind of this big power fantasy for me? Weird, mean lady who won't change for anyone and is too powerful to stop!!! Of course I try to write her as grounded and realistic as possible and I don't think she's really special but!! She's wonderful! I want to see her freak people out and tell them to shut up all day!!

9. How would they react if a person they love (friends and family included) gave them a flower bouquet unexpectedly?

Oh, she'd love it. Thank them while her ears flutter up and down (a good sign! it means she's so happy). I think she'd tell them about what's special about the flowers and how she can use them. Maybe out one in their hair because she likes sharing. Enchant them so they won't wilt so fast. If it was someone she has a romantic relationship with, her eyes would be tipped read and she'd stick her face in them. Later on, they could catch her staring them at them and playing with the edges of the petals.

12. What is their safe place? And what does “safe place” mean to them?

Oh! I suppose it depends, right? For Eurydice, her safe space is somewhere that she can't get away from people. They're usually unreachable, dark, quiet. In a childhood, her safe space was anywhere in the forest no one could find her--she'd stick herself up in trees, in caves, on ridges of mountains where one wrong step could send you tumble down to a river below. In Haven, her safe space was the shack in the woods owned by Adan's master; it was away from loud voices and while the army trained near there, the clashing swords were far more soothing than many people chatting within haven.

In Skyhold, Eurydice's safe spaces was the stable with all her mounts, which she loves so much, her workshop in the depths of the fortress, her quarters, and Cullen's loft. Sometimes if she's really feel as if she needs to isolate, she'll crawl up in the rifters of one of the broken towers or hide on the roof above the kitchen.

Basically if she can get away from people and not be seen from any angle, she's safe.

30. What is their love language?

Acts of service and gift-giving! Words are hard and she fumbles them often, but making people eat or giving them a weapon? Useful! Practical! Logical! What are words when she could make you live to see another day! Now THAT's love!

The other is quality time. If Eurydice loves you, she will sit silently in a room with you and just exist.

39. If they could go back in time, how would they reassure their child-self about the future?

"There is nothing wrong with you. You are not empty. You are not a thing. Exist as you are. The world is not made to understand you, yes, but it is not your fault. It is loud and confusing; you can not fix that. You are good to be loved. There are some you will find who will do so without question. Stay with them, not with Papae. Do not seek him out. Do not go near fires with him. It is not good. He is not good. You are, though, yes? Yes. Very good."

#Eurydice Lavellan #HAHAHAHHA GETTING REAL WITH MY OCS THIS EVENING I SEE #DON'T LOOK AT ME #writing

[mostly-functional]

Decidedly not autistic, it runs in my family so I've been routinely tested for it 4x, and it's safe to say I might be one of the least autistic people alive (I scored an 11 on the RAADS R test).

I am dyslexic, which has similar hyper-fixations, and RSD, and Executive Dysfunction to ADHD, but it's a little different. I also have c-PTSD.Anyway, yes, small talk is very intuitive. Most NT people genuinely don't find it boring. It's because the social back and forth of it, even if the topic is inherently meaningless, catching up on the minutia of people's lives and sharing bits of yours is interesting.

There isn't a secret code. You give exactly as much detail and information about your life as the other person is providing. In order for this to work, tis means that in most conversations, there will be someone who is 'conversationally dominant,' (person a.) and that person will decide how much they want to share and the other person (person b.) will follow their lead or decide to share more. If someone feels that they don't wanna share as much as the other person is sharing (not super common) they will usually politely brush off in response with a friendly smile.

(Comfortable sharing: Person A: Katie's having some trouble in school, we think she might be dyslexic. Person B: Oh yeah, Lily's got some ADHD, we got her a tutor who specialises learning disability, want me to give you her number?)

(Person B pulls back: Person A: Katie's having some trouble in school, we think she might be dyslexic. Person B: Oh, that's too bad, Lily's been having a bad time in ballet recently, we offered to let her quit, but she wants to keep going and see if it gets better.)

The thing is, every conversation, even small talk, is an invitation from person a. to get closer and it's up to person b. to either take up the invitation and share something similarly vulnerable, or politely decline the invitation and deflect.

Most nuerotypicals will decide how much to share based on how long they've known the person and other context clues, but it really boils down to, every converstoin is this give and take and it never really turns off or stops because neurotypicals are always trying to make new friends or become closer with the people they're interacting with. Most neurotypicals see anyone they've met, even once, as just a potential friend they haven't been close with yet. Unless an NT actively dislikes you, you are now locked in this back and forth with them.

I know a LOT about my favourite things, but it's more that it would feel unnatural/intrinsically wrong to info-dump about it unless it was in an appropriate space. I would feel uncomfortable doing it.

If I'm alone with my thoughts, I will 'spin out' and have a panic attack eventually from intrusive thoughts. This is more related to my c-PTSD, so I can't speak to how true NTs would answer this.

Most fabrics on my skin feel neutral, I will notice if one is silky or soft or unusually pleasant, but unless I'm allergic (I have a lot of skin allergies) to something it doesn't usually bother me and I don't usually even notice it in most of my clothes.

Socks on the other hand, the toe seam can be super noticeable on my toes and bother me all day, basically I will notice it continually as long as the seam is in the wrong place, I won't forget it or stop noticing it until it's fixed.

Loud music can have emotional impacts and the louder, the stronger the effect can be. Loud sounds like rhythmic beats can cause euphoria. It also can help drive out intrusive thoughts. It's also more like loud environments can be tuned out to the point that you don't notice them.

Also, Loud spaces with just a lot of public noise can actually be necessary to maintain mental health for NTs. Like, I get a little loopy if I'm not out in a public space for more than 24 hours (so staying in my house without going out in a loud, brought public space for than 24 hours is not fun for me, my anxiety spikes, I get kinda OCD. This is common for neurotypicals).

I could work on something I enjoy for a full day without needing a break. I used to research horse stuff for most of my afterschool days as a kid. I will sort through knitting resources for 4+ hours an evening.

This is an awesome answer! Thank you so much for sharing

#writing tips #writers on tumblr

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I don't know if I have ADHD or autism. I kind of feel like I do cause man does a lot of stuff going on with my friend who has them resonate with me (part of why I wish she'd take me up on my offer for a free room at my place, just want to mitigate some of the struggles I've had for someone I like and relate to if I can)

Anyway... RSD really does feel like it fits a lot. Like it just kills me when I feel like I've made someone mad or annoyed someone... said the wrong thing... you know

Obviously I try not to let it show, cause it goes back to how if you break down into a mess every time someone brings something to you, it makes it hard for people to talk to you about anything, but it still hurts

And like... I try with my friend not to do stuff that would set off her RSD cause she 100% has it, like I just try to pick my words carefully no in a walking on eggshells kind of way, but like running it by myself and see how I'd take it. Actually just kind of do this for everyone when I can

Just kind of sucks cause... you know... she doesn't really return that for me... I don't know, she's a good friend but... I don't know

Wish I could read minds, not even to spy on people, but just cause no one ever communicates what they want even if I ask directly. Wish I could read minds just so I could take their needs into my plans instead of me just slowly working my way along but having 100 different next steps in the back of my head I could use if someone just asks for them to become the priority

Everything I do is for me. I get the house for me, I clean the house for me, everything I did benefits me and I made sure of that to avoid breeding resentment... but like I started with the room I think my friend would like, I got the checking set up on my account, I'm finally in a situation where things are kind of smooth

My friend goes from saying she's gonna have to buy a ticket and come up here to get away from her family to never hearing about it again... it's probably cause change is very overwhelming so the fact it was really on the table made her hesitate to do anything but... if she'd just talk to me I could work on doing things to accommodate and mitigate stuff that's bothering her

But like... you see how if I do have RSD, how like just getting hit with a brick wall by everyone at everyturn just has it kind of always running where it's just like "What did I do wrong? Why won't you tell me how to fix this? I just want some company, was I only better compared to a very sick and hard to deal with dog slowly dying, but not better than emotionally abusive parents?"

If I were more out of touch with reality I'd say "clearly the government is trying to isolate me to make me go crazy", but like... nah... these things just happen... sometimes by chance and personality you just wind up isolated

Eh... really didn't want to send another message today. Guess this is just like one of those "write a letter you won't send" exercises, but then I drop it in someone's anon

Glad it sounded like you had a pretty good day, hope the walk was a good time

...I'm just tired and wish I'd learn to keep my mouth shut

RSD is brutal, and it's really frustrating how easily it could be set off.

Back before either of us had the language for it, wifey and I used to struggle with our coping mechanisms set off each other's RSD to the point that we were both actively alienating each other so badly our marriage was unraveling. It hasn't been easy learning how to create compatibility where distress had made a home, and it certainly involved setting off each others RSD a lot more in our attempts to talk through it.

Recently, we had a couple of small spats where one or the other of us was having a bad day and acted hurtfully. The other snapped back or resorted to coping strategies that we both know aren't on the table if our marriage is to remain happy. And instead of spiraling deeper into hell from there, we sat together, in pain and hurting, and tried to hear each other rather than the RSD-filtered interpretations of what each was saying. It was hard. We cried a lot. But at the end, we had learned something new about what we each needed.

It was interesting to see how much our experience of RSD and conflict has changed with each other based on a decade of painful work. It was nice to feel closer at the end of tension rather than to feel the distance grow.

Wifey has started getting assessed for autism and I have started getting assessed for ADHD (ironic in that wifey has been throughly diagnosed ADHD and I thoroughly assessed as autistic, though final diagnosis is still pending the savings to pay for that stage of assessment). I think having language to express yourself and others who understand your mind matters a lot. Without it the world can feel very cold and alone.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2921

today i was real tired.

i got up and brought joel to work for his meeting but not before i had to double check what was reality. i had a dream this morning that joel got a message that said his meeting was canceled, and that he could work from home, so i could sleep in. my alarms were going off intermittently, so i couldn't distinguish the dream from reality, so around 7:20 i asked joel if it was real. he said no. i asked if we still had to get up. he said yes. i was sad.

after bringing him in, i came back and took a nap. it was just a little over an hour, but it was much needed.

got to work, worked with a student for two ish hours, had a meeting with other tutors and our supervisor and the library favorite (glenn) about possible ideas and other stuff for the coming semester. lots of good ideas. i had lots of bad ideas. only because they were good but they involved puns so that made them bad. like, a workshop for skills and coping with ADHD/ general inattention but not licensed i called a "focus group." had the idea to make things themed in weeks, pirates were one of them bc we have canvas (sails are canvas) and navigate (what you do) and being "on board" with your classes (self-explanatory). also a workshop on fighting procrastination called "now and later" and handing out the candy now and laters with the "and later" crossed out on each piece. see? all good ideas. but bad ideas.

i worked with a student for a while too, got her helped, and went off to see the kiddos. i worked with them for an hour and a half and went to get joel, came back, fixed my little backpack contents arrangement, attended class, got in more good comments that the professor once again said we're good ideas and good points to make, didn't really do research for my other class's paper because brain cells go brrrr, determined i was hungry, went out to get a burger and ice cream, had a lovely human experience at five guys, stopped for ice cream, and came back and watched a few episodes of the office before dying of secondhand embarrassment and coming up to bed.

for some reason it won't let me post two videos but i'll post them separately or type it out later. it was really funny.

anyway, it's bedtime. i'm fucking exhausted.

but also as i left to sign off from class, my professor had commented thanking me for being in class despite being tired. we finished early tonight, and as i went to go off, i said "community naptime, byeeee" and clicked exit. that was funny. i like my class.

#molly rambles #operation srr #osrr #2000s #2900s #sunshine boy

[nikki-with-a-pen]

Not sick enough

Have you ever thought about cutting off a finger? A leg? About getting out alive out of some gruesome accident? Or purposefully surviving a suicide attempt? Do you, even for a moment, wish for cancer?

I'm ten and I dread going to school, my mom knows this. I also have a slight headache. I ask my mom if I can stay home to which she reluctantly agrees. I get excited, so my head can't hurt much, my face isn't flushed with exhaustion. My mom gets migraines and doesn't talk to me for the rest of the day. I'm not hurt enough for compassion.

I'm eight and I can't be eight again. Talkative, talented and with a body that's symbiotic to me. I don't argue with my body.

I'm ten and I'm too sensitive. You shouldn't be crying about this, at least not this much. I cry more and I'm crying for attention. I stopped crying, so there wasn't anything to cry about, really. Invisible African children have it so much worse.

I'm twelve and I'm hurting. I'm talented but lazy, I'm a talkative shut-in and my body is a foreign mass. It, the body, it's all wrong. People start leaving me without a reason given. I don't recognize my body in the mirror, but it must be me I'm looking at. I'm wrong so I shed skin with a pencil sharpener blade.

I'm fourteen and learn that's not the right answer. The box cutter can't get to the contents within. I'm selfish for making my mother worry and cry even more. I'm lazy, I can't get this simulacrum to do anything. I got two psychs who did nothing, so there's nothing else to do, nothing worth doing. Why fix what isn't broken? I'm either not in pain, or my pain can't be fixed. I'm not in pain.

All my woes are mine, all the foes are just inside my head. I can't be hurting, yet I am, so who's hurting? I can't be sensitive, yet I am, so which one am I? I pick up and abandon hobbies which I still kinda like.

There's a world where I stopped hurting a long time ago and have been riding the wave of romanticizing my suffering. There's a world where I know I hurt and I don't let anyone know.

Each a rubicon I'm too scared to internalize and cross over. I'm the middle of a shattered mirror and every shard shows a different, ugly truth accompanied by some sick sense of relief. Are the shards even real? Winds and sands wash over glass and dull the pieces. A matte reflection of some part of what was supposed to be one.

I have inner arguments. I hurt so what hurt me? Is it OCD? DPDR? ASD? ADHD? DID? I get lost between acronyms. I show some signs of all but I don't hurt enough for any label to stick. I'm a hypochondriac who can't really hurt. And if I ever hurt enough, I won't hurt enough for me. I look at my sickly, frail body in the mirror. At least it belongs to me now. Though It's not purely mine, It's of the shattered. I stare deep into the eyes of my body and when the abyss stares back, I flinch and stop thinking. I go back to brushing my teeth.

I have a body that's very slowly coming apart at the seams. I have a mind that breaks itself and builds itself up every few months. Every revelation I make is probably a false epiphany. The deeper I dig the more suffocated I get, yet not enough to just die in the mines for good. I don't really trust half the sentences I've written.

Until recently I didn't have unconditional support and love. And even then I can't really trust my lover’s opinion, it's my suffering or the lack thereof. Wouldn't it be beautiful to hurt? For everyone to agree, for the flocks of doves to come in with chocolates and flowers and “get well soon” cards?

Wouldn't it be beautiful if, in the sickest sense of the word, it was all worth it?

Wouldn't it be great to finally snap and be sure?

[blue-kyber]

Everything's gone wrong today.

My car got broken into last night. I spent all day waiting for a tow truck. The thieves destroyed my ignition switch, and my drivers side door lock. I have no idea how much it's going to cost me to get both repaired, but I already know i don't have the money for that, even with the $100 deductible my insurance provides.

Many little things went wrong, I got charged too many times for a Lime scooter and Bird scooter I couldn't use, everything fell apart. I destroyed my glasses and my headphones in rage just now, because my audio interface wouldn't turn on - again - without being replugged back in, and the tea tag fell off when I pulled the bag out of the water, making it splash down with the string.

The audio interface was the straw that broke my back.

The past 6 months - and incidents from the past 10 years or so - have been building stress in me so high that I broke out into folliculitis so badly that I had to go to the ER.

It's 70% money stress. 30% I'm fuckin' lonely.

I have to deal with the bullshit of my life alone.

It sucks.

I quit trusting people for so long, I can't remember how anymore without thinking they're going to hurt me in some way - because they always do. And their disappearance is always my fault.

I never wanted to be like this. I don't know what the hell happened.

I'm a good person. I try, I really do, I just... I just keep screwing everything up.

I've been ordered by the doctor to take a vacation, but I can't because of money. And I can't escape my stressors.

I now have to pay $3000 for emergency dental work due to a bad infection that could have killed me.

I owe my mom $1250 - she loaned it to me so I could pay my roommate back rent, so my roommate would stop threatening to evict me. She said if I didn't pay her the past rent, and December rent by the 15th, when I go home for Christmas, I can't come back. She won't let me in.

I paid her past rent, now I owe december rent of $1250, and my new job I managed to get at the 11th hour and only had for 2 months keeps fucking with my hours giving me only 2 or 3 days, and then not bothering to tell me when they double book and kick me off the schedule for a day.

I owe my dad $700 from his loan to help pay my rent in July.

I owe the mechanic $500 for fixing my car in early June - when this whole fuck fest started.

I owe $100 on my Nordstrom card.

I owe $160 on my JC Penny card (for my glasses...that I broke).

I owe $225 on my Best Buy card for new airpods since I lost my old ones, and a web cam since my old one died.

(The store cards are to build visible credit, since I keep being denied credit cards and loans due to not enough visible credit. I'm paying my store cards on time. There' just a balance on them.)

That's a total of $7,185 that I need to come up with, and I just. can't.

I only recently got this job. I haven't had enough time yet to accrue a savings to take care of this.

The audiobooks I've auditioned for didn't pick me. I'm still auditioning.

All of this - and the little stuff that goes wrong all the time that lead to big things going wrong - are all exacerbated by my ADHD and autism. It always has been the source.

I'm done.

I've had it.

I can't do this anymore.

I've been struggling on my own alone for over a decade. I just can't anymore.

I want to quit.

I want to go away and just............. disappear.

I need $7 grand before I can take a vacation. I'll never be able to. That's impossible.

I'm done.

I'm fucking done.

#I quit. #I'm out. #Killing myself isn't an option #but it's looking better and better if this doesn't let up. #I just want to stop. I want everything to go away and to just stop. #I've wanted to stop for so long #I find moments of peace and happiness #but they're always overshadowed by a cloud