#no getting to know my new small group

[passumstars]

I will likely never get to do anything with her

#my art #the band ghost #nameless ghoul oc #i mostly wanted practice making a character sheet ish thingy #and by god i got that #had to work hard for her colors which is not usually a problem for me #and the silhouette flip like if your character doesnt have a tail then bam its done and no one will notice the small problems #but it doesnt work with a tail if you want perspective i had to redraw/move her tail around to make it look right so. learned that very much #i like the layout concept though thats nice #i have a whole backstory for her. she was part of a group summon and it all went fine except that one person was missing and they ended up #with a statue. she was too terrified to talk to anyone so she got left there and after it sounded empty she reverted and found some place to #hide in the gardens. so she lives there now. and ruins a lot of socks. and helps with the plants not that anyone knows that. and panics and #turns to stone if anyone walks by. so everyone does realize theres a moving shifting statue in the abbey but no one is sure what to do about #that. doesnt speak much if at all. doesnt steal a new shirt bc people notice if those go missing unlike socks. has anxiety bitch face also #yeah. and like. i dont know what a fandom is and i certainly dont know what a music is and thats why ill likely not do anything with her #which kinda sucks. but i still made her a character sheet cause she wont leave me alone. and for the practice #cause if i think about doing a sheet for story ocs i get all perfectionist and it doesnt happen #the luck thing is that she kinda thinks being summoned was a curse #im gonna shut up now

[13eyond13]

Sometimes I still think about how sweet it was when that anon checked on me last year when I was posting overly dark jokes. Thank you whoever you were, that was kind

#i am so much better now but last year was a bad one for me #there was a time in the fall where i literally couldn't get out of bed just because it felt pointless #anyway my mom also forced me to make a doctors appointment and luckily my doctor is super kind and got me on a good medication #but it also was just from stuff like losing my job struggling in school and going through the hurricane etc #im just so glad that i was pushed through that by concerned folks because im enjoying life much better now and that wasnt that long ago #anyway if you're struggling badly right now pls know its not hopeless #reach out for the help youre given and try to see yourself as worth it to fight for #take it little steps at a time #celebrate the small victories like having a shower or taking a walk or answering a call #the best thing for me other than the doctor was just finding ways to be around other people more #instead of feeling defeated i had to think of ways i could fix the loneliness that was affecting me so much #i had to get proactive like i started volunteering and started a book club etc #also i just made myself be very honest with the friends i already had about my struggles and it helps with feeling closer to them #and less alone in it all #because its not that uncommon to have those kinds of struggles and it helps other people open up about their own or just know how you are #the hardest things to do were the most rewarding things in the end #volunteering gave me a reason to get out of the house meeting new people and trying new things and feeling good about myself and #i had to remind myself that i was able to offer things of value and that other people like having me around actually #like the book club is something my friend group looks forward to so much and made new friends through and i started that! #even though i was nervous about it and didnt know if theyd like it at all #other people need you just as much as you need them and thats the truth bby #p

[sindumpster]

Accidentally logged into my old mistake blog and only notifs I had gotten in the past year were for that one post with almost 1K notes

And I remember absolutely hating it and now I have the reminder that I really don’t crave that kind of attention anymore

#there’s no real point to this just thoughts #I’m honestly happier sharing my work with a small group of friends and getting that validation #than managing accounts and worrying about putting stuff out in the wild #downside is it enables my hermit tendencies so I’m even less inclined to post #when I do have art #…not that I’ve had new art in MONTHS #(I say having opened an art show today with my stuff in the gallery) #(it’s just not the art you guys want) #something something notes and attention isn’t everything #there’s like a certain golden zone level of attention #below it you’re sad people aren’t noticing you #above it and you feel like shit and burnt out trying to appeal to everyone #I don’t give a fuck about feeding social media and esp algorithms anymore #Forreal though mental health improved when I stepped back more and found my group #getting too much attention when I was younger fucked me up #and I’m STILL working through the damage #which I know probs sounds like bullshit to people struggling for attention/recognition #but for me it’s true. maybe improves things for others #but for me it just enabled my worst tendencies that I even got praised for

[theygender]

Christians in the southern US are so weird, like dude why are you proselytizing to me we live in the bible belt. I promise I've heard of jesus before

#they always seem SO certain that this will be new information to someone #like theyre gonna walk up to someone door and the person will be like 'church? what is this church you speak of please tell me more' #or like the copy of the new testament theyre handing out will be the first one someone has ever seen #'oh wow a bible? papá doesnt let us have these on the atheism farm' #like dude once again. we are literally in the bible belt. i was raised christian. we basically all were #my mom and grandparents took me to church semi-consistently all the way through elementary school #and then my mom sent me to a christian private school in sixth grade #7th-9th grade i was back in public school but i spent every single sunday morning wednesday evening AND school lunch period in church #all of my own free will in fact #and i know this is how proselytizers think bc my youth group fucking took us proselytizing #in our small town where everyone but like two (2) people in my high school attended the christian lunch group #and there were two churches on every corner #they still sent us out to spread the word of jesus and tell people about church #which. looking back on it now. why? what was the point? #rambling #anyways. there was a dude handing out copies of the new testament at my college today and getting angry if people said no thank you #if i had more free time i would be tempted to go stand on the opposite side of the street from him #and hand out 'agnostic bibles' that are just blank notebooks

[gatheryepens]

So I did something new today…

#I signed up to do this shared reading #at this art gallery near where I live #I was really nervous to go #as I didn’t know what to expect #but it was really nice #it was a small group of people #about five or so #all aged like 50+ #I felt really bad because I felt like I was intruding on their space 😭😭 #but the person who runs it seemed happy and asked if I was coming back next week #basically what happened is the person running it compiled a bunch of quotes #poems and letters to do with a topic and we just discussed it #as she was explaining what they do she asked if I wrote and I’m just there like kind of… #and she was like maybe you can share sometime and I’m like…. #the thing is almost poems I write are either a. when I sad so it doesn’t make for a good share and tell and b. incomplete 😭 #maybe one day but for now hard no 💀 #but ​I had a really great time I really enjoyed when they start talking about their childhood’s #because obviously it will be vastly different compared to mine it was very insightful #some bad news whilst I was out I went to an audiologist #and I will have to cough up £55 to get my ears sorted out #since it’s been two months and I still have a blocked ear 👍🏾 #so that will be fun #gatherrambles #gatherbeingbookish #thegapyeardiaries

[kingdomtual]

there are two things I want: a behind the scenes look on superkind and their creation and how they make saejin and like their plans to make this group popular with an ai, like what are their business plans, what are their promo plans

the same thing but with Kingdom LOL I just wanna KNOW STUFF. and I’m at the age where I’m like, “no I gotta see the business plan for this, bestie. how is this gonna work??? for them??? bc I don’t see a lot going on.” oh and I wanna know their entire storyline, someone lemme see that document

#my biggest disappointment with gf ent so far has been their lack of putting kingdom on idol variety shows #or at least getting them some sort of connections with a show that would put them out there more #I know they're small but at this point they're fairly well know they're invited to a lot of those concerts and stuff #I just think when brand new groups get on studio choom or weekly idol then kingdom could by now #I just wanna know what gf ent is THINKING LOL #and same with superkind's label bc...how could they put superkind on an idol variety show??? #saejin can't be there #I'm FASCINATED how are they gonna do it #hopey chats

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

#i finished these last week but forgot to post them lol #self heal didnt turn out great #i was working on it at my great grandmas on Christmas after drinking a highly caffeinated latte and pinching a nerve in my back #which made me a little shaky #also those little henbit type flowers are hard to draw #but everyone who saw me drawing said it looked good so 🤷‍♂️ #also realized i accidentally left 2 plants thst were in the table of contents out of the pages #(when i first put the pages together i went through and labeled each page a drawing would go on with a plants scientific name) #and i had to get out my larger pad of this brand of water color paper and cut it in half to make 2 more signatures #and because the 2 that were missing were not at the very end and also werent on the same signature i had to shift some things around #thankfully all my page labels were in pencil #also im aware that signatures are generally more than one piece of paper but this papers so thick and the pages are so small #i felt i would lose page space if i made actual signatures #i just dont know what else to call them #if they were individual pages i would just call them that but its technically 4 pages (two pages front and back using one piece of paper) #so signatures it is #unfortunately did not achieve my goal of finishing the drawings by new year lol. got distracted by video games #only 12 more left! (14 left to post but i have 2 from the next group of 10 done) #then i can start painting #then the tedious part of gathering all the information i want to include about each plant and copying it into the book by hand #and then i can FINALLY bind it

[number-1-crush]

i want date girl

#this is not new. this is not suprising #but she’s so PRETTYYYY #i keep having like little daydream scenarios. i cannot help it she’s so cute #i want to. kiss her on the cheek. and watch her blush. and probably also blush myself #she’s like so. so so so pretty. and it’s not fair #we do not know each other well enough for me to be like ‘hey uhhhh i’m interested in you’ so i need to at least hit friendship status first #but. AUGH she’s adorable. she has the sweetest voice and a cute laugh and. ough #not fair. actually unfair #she kinda stared at me a little bit during her presentation today (group projects :p) #and like. it may have just been bc we were a small audience and she was nervous #so she was focusing on one person to avoid y’know. crowd stuff #but either way. she was like. Looking At Me. i got so flustered #she’s too PRETTY it’s not FAIR #do you know how crazy it is to have a pretty girl look at you somewhat regularly. what . what the fuck #GOD i need to get over my nerves and try to actually like. hold a conversation. ue ue ue it’s so scary #OH BTW she knows i’m trans now #mentioned it in a big class conversation (so fucking smart of me) and she gave a big knowing nod #so either she’s an ally or i need to maybe stop using she/her

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

me every time i’m violently sick: why am i cash money dyin’ like this??? why must god try to nerf me like this??

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #but seriously though #i’ve been SO FUCKING SICK since monday this week #i’ve been coughing up my guts like no one’s business #and half the time i’m coughing then up is just to fuckin burp bc i’m coughing so much….. #…..that i can’t even burp and my throat’s fuck #(and not in a thrussy type of way if you know what i mean #like it shouldn’t hurt to yawn but it fucking does #and it doesn’t make sense bc my PCR test was negative for everything #like covid flu types A and B the new respiratory virus ping around and the other one #so what the actual fuck do i i have???? #and i can’t book a dr to find out bc i’m betting thsg by the time i’ll see my dr i won’t be sick anymore #but omg im over it bc my whole upper body from my head down to my waist fucking hurts bc im coughing so often and so badly #like i had to wfh today again bc i could t get through convos w/o either sounding sick or constantly coughing #but i know i’m blaming it on the end of the ciggy i had last week from one of the girls in my cadet shop group last week in sydney #bc everyone in the small first group i went out with on wednesday night was surprised that i’d never smoked and stuff #so they were like ‘finish off ally’s cig’ and i tried to but i choked on the smoke #i’m just not cool enough to smoke lmao #but i’m defs blaming it on that and also on the train rides around syd and on the way home #and the aircon in the hotel lmao idek #anyway

[soullesscircuits]

doing bad (:

#it's. fine #I'm fine. #learned today that my dnd group is going to be dissolving in the next couple of weeks #and they're like. 95% of my not-work social interactions #i didn't want to cry but now im crying in the car #it's been like. the only thing i look forward to week to week #like obviously there are Big Goals like Florida and cons and stuff but like #just getting by week to week is in no small part because i can look forward to seeing them for a few hours and hanging out and having fun #i can't just. find a new group #I've been playing with some of these folks for almost 5 years now (if my math is right- time is weird) #if it's anything like the old group we're going to completely fall out'f touch as soon as we stop playing (save the occasional holiday msg) #i know it's just part of life (and especially adult life) but it's devestating to just. lose a group of friends you've worked so hard for #i just KNOW I'm going to have a full on meltdown at the last session and it's going to be really offputting #i guess i just have to learn to brace myself over the next 2-5 weeks

[sunlightfeeling]

god i forgot how much i liked that cohost hid a lot of metrics…

(much ranting in the tags…)

#im despising the note counter again…. #ramblin but not a gamblin man #but i really REALLY didnt like how cohost completely felt like a void #…​like genuinely felt like an isolation room or smth… #why can’t i just opt out #i have my notifications turned off again for sanity #but I don’t like seeing everyone else’s lol #…​they make me feel bad…. #and yeah i guess it has to do with smaller fandom but that’s kind of part of why it sucks #i want new content that’s not just made by the small group that we are #i want fuckin dedicated tags and a line of people making new things….even if the stuff we use is old #there are so many smasmas that have NEVER been giffed #so many dramas #(even though for a lot of these there’s like negative incentive to make anything for….) #but you know what sucks the most…. #no matter how much we love the stuff and do it because we like it….we are hoping that it will get shared….be known…. #im trying so hard not to pressure myself to gif every little thing #which is part of why im posting more and more clips #but it hurts seeing the note count that other fandoms get even in such a short time….and just being grateful-enjoying the ones i receive #i don’t know how much this shit makes sense #and im honestly so tired of getting upset by this time and time again but it hurts #i hate being part of an actually small fandom lol #..​that’s basically it….i guess #or one that’s small until someone random reblogs it and shoots the note count up #and I really can’t explain why that makes me more upset than happy but it actually really does lol #how many times am i going to talk about these and go in circles? way too many #i ruminate….its what i do…always been that way…got on my ex’s fuckin nerves lmfao……

[nope-body]

.

#so at some point in the near future my co-op is going to have a discussion about masking and what our guidelines are going to be #and it’s going to go poorly. and here’s why: #last year there was a. girl (who is not at this school anymore!) who had trauma surrounding wearing a mask #and we also had a disabled person who needed people to mask for health reasons. like. they could die if they catch covid #and the voting system is ‘I think this is good for the co-op’ ‘I think this is bad for the co-op’ and major objection #a major objection results in a mediation process and a whole bunch of other stuff because it’s basically saying #‘if this proposal passes I will have to leave the co-op’ and there were multiple discussions that all ended in major objections #and this created a ton of tension between people who masked in the co-op and people who didn’t and people are afraid of that happening again #why they didn’t just make a policy saying masking is mandatory but x person is exempt I do not know #why people refuse to realize that the person who made her issue with masking a co-op wide problem (because she was against just like all #masking. even if she didn’t have to) I also don’t know #that was a one off issue that happened last year and people are terrified to death to discuss masking again #but guess what! there’s multiple immunocomprimised people in this co-op! #and we already had one covid outbreak and fall break is coming up fast #there’s evidence pointing to pots being caused by the immune system and my experiences fully back that up #i consistently get flare ups with my pots after I am around a lot of people with or without masks or a small group of new people w/o masks #like last night we had a discussion at dinner inside and that meant a lot of people in one space with their masks off #and today I have a flare up! I went to a fall equinox gathering at a friends house and not everyone was masking and there were some new #people and next day? flare up #first week and a half of school? one fun prolonged flare up #like my experiences directly support the idea that POTS could be immune-related #I need people to wear masks because when they don’t it doesn’t matter if they have covid or not. my immune system still has to combat #a shitload of stuff! which causes a flare up #the orgs I participate in the most require masks (the burlesque group and disability group) #and there is a reason why I participate in those more! I feel safer! #even before I connected the dots between flare ups and lack of masks

[natugood]

I love just sitting and working in small, local coffee shops for hours at a time. Even though it’s hard for me to sit still, it’s really fun to get to see all the people who come in and to get a better sense of the community as a whole. I love half listening to conversations, seeing how people interact with each other and with the baristas, and who even is drawn to the location in the first place. I don’t usually feel like paying $2 - $6 for a coffee or tea is really worth it except on special occasions, but the value of getting to be around people in a pleasant, safe, open environment like that really adds so, so much value to the experience. I like to feel connected to the people around me, so it makes me happy!

#I had to get a new key for my car and my headlight replaced so I walked to a random coffe and boba shop in a shitty looking strip mall #that was about 10 mins away from the car dealership. I was there for 2 hours and two small groups of people came in during that time #first over the first 15-20 mins I was there three or four men in their 30s -50s came in and were talking with the barista #I discovered that the barista (also a 30-50 year old man) and all of the men were part of the local Slavic community #cause they were speaking what I think was russian (I only know how to say yes and no in russian and I heard those words lol) #they talked for about 30ish mins before each man left individually. the shop was empty for about 15 mins before an elderly couple came in #their friend Jim joined them - they seemed to be regulars possibly - and they talked for about 20 mins and were still talking when I left #when I took a phone call it directed to my hearing aides and they thought I was taking to them so after I was done I apologized #they were very nice snd chatted with my briefly about my aides and people thinking I must be talking to myself with them (which DOES happen #but also I do talk to myself out loud all the time lol) and when I left the coffee shop I said bye to the barista and the elderly group #they all said bye back. it was such a pleasant experience #it was also SO different than I expected cause the coffee shop not only does coffee but also does bubble tea and matcha??? #so I assumed it would be an Asian owned business not a Russian/Slavic one lol #overall a great experience. 10/10. a wonderful way to start the morning #googoogajoob

[sanchoyo]

the job has been going surprisingly ok! I got most of my hours for the week done in like 4 days and im kinda hoping next week i can cut that down to getting it done in like, 3 and then having 4 days off lol. but i do have a webinar thing to attend tomorrow and im dreading it dskkfhkj. i never do well at live meeting call thngies. I do ok at in person ones but for some reason web based ones wig me out x_x (its only like 45 mins and mic only so it could be worse??) auggh

#just experiencing Real Heavy anxiety abt it. like im sure itll be fine #but also its kinda objectively funny to have a training/basics and faq webinar. after ive been working here almost 2 weeks? LMAO?? #a bit late for training isnt it?? 😭 ive been learning on the job... #ive made a few mistakes so far and my brain is like. the person is going to call u out on ALl of them and be mad #but. the guide literally said u have 3 months to get ur accuracy up to a certain level . so i know thats just anxiety talking #BUT STILL. #at least i recognized they were mistakes on my own and dont make them anymore?? like im still learning TwT;; #i dont actually hate the job its very chill and a diff vibe from my prev jobs and the work is kinda interesting #like its prob not what id choose to do ideally. but. not mental breakdown type terrible? #like itd never be enough to live off of and the work loads are very inconsistent but. yk. its better than nothing #and better than going back to retail hell. ill die before i go back. #im kinda just hoping theres a lot of new hires at the webinar so i can just knda sit back and chill w/out having to say much lol..pls dont #be a small group... #i also want to try and list more things on depop tomorrow or this weekend bc idk whats going on w me #but i like. hate evryhting i own suddenly ?? and want to kinda overhaul my style... #ugggh. my brain is full of bees lately #sanchoyorambles #i also wanna post some art sometime soon bc my art blog is STAGNATING but i havent had anything huge to post #im working on smthbehind the scenes but its BIG and taking TIME