#no kidding though i've been doing good

[liquidstar]

Oh fuck tomorrow I'm going to be a little birthday boy I keep almost forgetting

#it's probably bc i dont have specific plans im just playing it by ear based on how the newborn will be #(the amount of time I'll be needed w the other kids basically depends on how much sleep the parents got the night before lol) #so i dont wanna be out too late... ahh i miss the club bro i wanna go #i love kids just to be clear which is why i do this but i also think I've gotten any child rearing out of my system #so i dont want my own. in a way it's freeing bc my future will just be for me and i won't have to worry about this stuff long term lol #ah but if I'm free on the 4th theres also something else i wanna do so maybe i shouldn't get drunk anyway #maybe just wait for the next free day 🤷‍♂️ we'll see #I've been highover BAD though shit lasted until like 8pm the next day. and i had to take the day off w the kids #luckily there happened to be other family there that took over but dude it sucked. i remember trying to help them in the morning like #ok sorry 4 year old trying to find pants i have to lay down in your bed you can do it by yourself i believe in you #so. taking the day off was a good call for their sakes too lol #he was fine just to be clear he could've done it on his own either way. i was just unhelpful 😅 i promise im usually way more attentive

[crown-ov-horns]

Who's causing me problems?

This bastard of course.

I already had him with two love interests (in seperate stories). No, he demands a third.

There are the two Millory storylines.

There's the Michael Langdon x Archangel Michael. I need to hurry up with this one it's already a trip to crazy town in Ch 1, and I'm convinced she's more insane than he is.

Now, there's also the Michael x Cordelia idea which sent me into a fever today. Not kidding. I might as well have ingested drugs. What's the ship name, by the way? Because, if he wants it, I'll try to write it, but I'm not making up a ship name.

#diary pages #writing journal #ahs fandom #ahs fanfiction #michael langdon #writer problems #fanfiction writer #yes of course I speak of characters as though they're alive #they might as well be if you get it you get it #i might as well be a madwoman with people in her head doing their thing #or an ancient oracle trying to put unintelligible whispers from gods into a coherent text #only i'm on less substances #no kidding i've even been sent fanfiction plots in dreams #millory #mr and mrs michael langdon #archangel michael x the antichrist #michael langdon x cordelia goode #like i didn't have twenty wips #four of them ahs #i guess i can use the stephen kind method #i need to remind myself this is a hobby and if I wish I can publish however many unfinished wips I wish #i have no idea what sent me that michael x cordelia thing #i saw some beautiful fanarts besides maybe it was the interaction between him and venable

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

hngnwntnentnrneenfnenfengndngrnengnf

#HNNNNNN #survived a full youth group overnighter none the worse for wear!! #despite some hits to my pride (wiffle ball. also I lost at foosball several times alas) I think mayhaps I am even better for it #had a full functional one on one conversation with the sound guy which was. wild #but I was just wondering how long he'd been doing production stuff so I asked and we talked about it for?? several minutes??? #also girl it's so weird bc I really really do not want children but how is it that watching him be SO good with kids #is one of the most goshdang attractive things I've ever seen #like it's almost cognitive dissonance bc I can't stand the thought of having kids but I also love doing youth group #and also that is. very attractive to me that the sound guy is so good with kids. #I spent like half the time watching people play ping pong. I played ping pong a little bit too as previously mentioned #also ough I love being with the kids... being a youth leader is so so fulfilling #like I never thought it was a ''calling'' until this year but it fills me up so much #and I think the kids like me #at least one girl in particular likes me skdkfnskgnskgns #even though I'm a doof and don't know how to play baseball #I just hope that my motivations are for THEM and not for ME yknow?? #Lu rambles

[imflyingfish]

.

#i have no idea how to respond to the whole qsmp situation right now #i mean. i dont watch it or interact with qsmp ITSELF #only the fans around it #I have made fanart for it but not really because i have any particular attachment to specific characters but just because #its a very good springboard for character design and inspiration #Im very involved with the fanbase though as the QSMPnews discord is one of my main discords #and I mainly use the fandom space as a way of practicing/getting into foreign languages #although i dont watch qsmp it still has impacted my life massively in the last year #this clusterfuck of project management is difficult to unravel and know what to do with #and its difficult to know exactly where to turn your attention #or who to blame #since theres so many levels of miscommunication that hasnt been helped by the sharing of it online #i think. even if QSMP doesn't survive #it would be ludicrous to state it as an inherently harmful server #since there has been an evident change in the minecraft gaming space because of it in multiculturalism. #heck IM direct proof of that as someone who does not reguarly engage with the server itself via streams #the fact that as a result of a 21 year old kid deciding to start a sever I can end up with a group of spanish speakers trying to explain #various concepts to me in my language while i respond in theirs is. insane #so do i think that the qsmp will survive? #um. look i dont see how it can. #I've never thought that it could #but i dont think that im going to demonise fans or avoid content relating to it #considering how integral the fanspaces around it are to me and my personal quest for language proficiency #however I will attempt to keep qsmp posts on my french/spanish blogs #well that was. long-winded #idk this is a very self-centred look into the qsmp and this whole situation #obviously I hope that the staff get paid but. I really have no idea where Quackity Studios might get that money from or how the #server should either end or continue

[fragmentedblade]

Blade compared the relief from pain death brought him to the moments spent with his friends drinking together.

His desire for death as both a release from pain and from the condition of existence in which he finds himself now, so similar to that which he most hated (hated so much as to dedicate his entire life and self to fight, up to the point of crossing unthinkable barriers for shortlife species); but death also almost like a returning to the time that was, the joy and pride it brought him, and the friends and self he lost

#I have my qualms with this quest. I have them #But man. Man. I love him #They didn't have to make him such a good character. It could have gone wrong so easily with what they were doing #But I do love him very much #Yingxing the arrogant man the bashful teen and the stuttering kid. But haughty and determined and defiant at every stage #How smart and skilled and proud. How ambitious and revengeful too #I was going to talk about Jingliu and Dan Feng but I won't haha I may do later on #I don't know... I feel my chest so warm and so cold at the same time. I guess it's the fondness and the grief haha #I'm rambling though and I actually want to find this idea #Fragments and scraps #Yingxing #Blade #I've been told I can set the blog to private and that way I won't have the problem of throwing my posts in the general tag unwillingly #There's only one post I've wanted people to interact with and to this day no one has answered my question anyway #So I should consider that. It may be the best choice before half the HSR blogs block me for being annoying #I want to he able to find art and gifs haha #When I say 'life and self' I mean that not only did he dedicate his entire life to it on a temporal dimension #but he forged himself initially for this goal. Everything he was able to achieve he did by means of the skills he developed for this end #And that is what gave him the chance to craft a position for himself in the Xianzhou culture that looks down on shortlife species #His position as Huaiyan's apprentice‚ as a craftsman of the Zhuming‚ the Furnace Master‚ a legendary blacksmith and a hero‚ #and thus even I imagine his position as a civilian human man living in the Xianzhou without being looked down‚ all comes from that goal #With all that weighting on the matter the fact that he became that which he hated and lost his ability to craft #because of the chance to bring someone back from the death becomes even more poignant especially if we take Baiheng to be #the condition of possibility of that being he crafted taking place‚ due to little Yingxing not losing his drive and hope #And Jingliu asked them why they committed such a sin. He doesn't know what to say and knows she doesn't care #'I longed to be able to accept it‚ and I do not say I have not tried'‚ from Ovid. As Hozier puts it‚ 'the choiceless hope in grief' #I'm running out of space but I adore that these three people unmade themselves because of this. I think in Dan Feng's case there's also #a longing for a making in the unmaking process‚ that breaking free from the High Elder cycle that so tormented him and robbed him #from himself. The parallels both in similarities and oppositions between Jingliu‚ Blade (or Yingxing) and Dan Feng are so good #But I've run out of space and I wanted to save my thoughts on that somewhere else anyway. The Jingliu/Blade/Jing Yuan/Yanqing ones too

[shikai-the-storyteller]

I'm so burnt out and stressed about a variety of things lately, but a funny / sweet coincidence recently happened that I wanted to share:

Last week, I had a university student reach out to me (via my work email) asking for resources / advice on their research paper because I've written a lot of articles about the thing they're writing about. (I just got back to them today and they were real sweet, I'm excited to see how their paper turns out)

A week or two ago, I had someone reach out to me on RA asking for some specific clip info / date info because they were doing a research paper about Pac, and today I saw that they published their paper and put a special thanks to RA in the notes :')

I just think it's very sweet and a funny coincidence that my work (professional and fandom work) is getting cited in research papers. It made me smile a lot, I genuinely love that.

#i talk #job talk #Seeing RA get MLA cited sure was something #I love that #I have such a hard time sitting down and focusing on things but I want to read their paper #even if I have to TTS it (which is what I'll probably have to do) #but I'm so :') about both things #it's unexpected and sweet and makes me feel proud in different ways #I'm sad about work though but I really do need a new job #I love my job and I love the people (minus one but I never see him and never interact with him so it's fine) #but it just doesn't frickin pay enough and I've been in the red for too long #it makes me so sad but it's just not sustainable and it's stressing me out even more #like money is always a huge stressful thing but it's getting worse #I'm just frustrated because job hunting sucks and even jobs I'm overqualified for never get back to me #The job market is a nightmare but especially for my field. You just gotta KNOW people and I'm not good at that #I'm also sad because I know my team will be sad when I inevitably have to leave #I need to do it sooner rather than later though because we have big projects coming up #and the longer I take the harder it'll be on my team #agh #anyways this got a bit negative in the tags but these two things really did put a much-needed smile on my face #so thank you to those two students #I love college kids. I miss my Japanese college students #sideblog shenanigans #storytime with shikai

[bumblebeehug]

not a very positive post but i hate, hate, not being fluent in english. i wish so bad that i could write in english as well as i can write in swedish, and it's exhausting knowing that it'll never compare. and writing things in swedish makes the target audience so much smaller than i want it to be. i wanna write great books that people all over the world can read and enjoy, and with english being such a wide spread language, that would be the preferred language to write in. but as soon as i read actual books, or just other fanfics as well, i realise that my vocabulary is incredibly small (i search up words to translate all the time - even in this post i forgot the english word for "målgrupp", which was target audience) and i also realise that i lack understanding of how real english speakers use words and sentences. i can write by text book, but my writing will never be exceptional in the way i'd love for it to be.

#incredibly depressing to read this probably #but i wanted to rant #it just sucks to not be able to do anything about this #other than to practice more #but that's all it'll ever be #a constant battle to maybe be comparable to an average english speaker #i'm also one of those kids who was a “natural” in school #not so naturally smart when i have to become GOOD and not just good for my age #still gonna write until i die though #it's the only thing i've ever been good at so i might as well fight to stay good at it #rather than quitting writing and becoming worse with time #thnx for coming to my ted-talk

[allisonreader]

My heart hurts. Not physically, but emotionally. I don't like the news, I tend to avoid actively searching it out, for that exact reason. I ache because as people we just can't seem to get along. Learn to compromise and fully try to understand the other side. It's exhausting to understand why people are against certain things, even when it's the opposite of what I personally believe in.

#this is about a pronoun law being passed locally (one that I believe is appropriate and good) #as what's being passed is that under the age of 16 parent consent is needed for any name or pronoun changes #while there's at least one person throwing up a fuss about how terrible that is #like I get it lady you think it will cause harm where I see it as protecting kids and letting their parents know what's happening with them #it's not that I'm unsympathetic if anything I'm too sympathetic but there has to be checks and balances #especially when all of this trans/non-binary stuff is still so new and radical #people have been living life for a long time without these terms and without issue #and something that has always bothered me is that there is a reason why straight relationships are majority beyond religion #I do think that same sex attraction is natural #but that still doesn't mean that I think that it should be acted on it is a sin in the bible for a reason #though I would never kick a child of mine out of my house for feeling same sex attraction it would be a conversation needed about such #I have many more thoughts but most of them I would never necessarily post #as I would breakdown in tears at the first disparaging remarks because I'm soft like that #I also don't feel well educated enough to fully and properly make a case for myself #I'm surprised that I've even posted this though my most controversial thoughts are here in the tags

[ratcandy]

i'm going to be gettin myself a gecko soon and the evil demon in the back of my mind has already started whispering to me that i should name it zote

#i've wanted a gecko for yeearrss. actually ever since I was a real young kid #i've always loved lizards . actually thought for the longest time i'd get a beardie #But unfortunately my dorm would consider beardies too big. and since whatever I get has to come with me to colleg #it's gecko time #i'm gonna be doing a bioactive enclosure too so you know what that means. Fuck yeah isopods (and springtails but. Isopods!!) #i've been doin plenty of research for this and I am very excited for a new little Guy. Said research is a PAIN though because good lird #trying to find a consensus on ANYTHING about gecko care is SOOO difficult. Everybody's got conflicting opinions #but I'm Workin Through it #anwyay that was clam's late night ramblings for the day. thank u #clamtalk

[xluxsolarisx]

WHAT??? you-?? hUH? ...you're so powerful

i'm an adult living alone for the first time ever with poor impulse control and a massive sweet and savory tooth. this was fated by the stars to happen i think. i'm like if sisyphus actively chose to roll the boulder up and down because he thought it looked nice tumbling down. so nice that maybe it would be worth the work it would take to get it up back up there so he could do it again. well. this isn't like that at all but you understand.

#fool me once shame on you #fool me like five more times except i knew damn well what was gonna happen and still did it anyway uh. still shame on you. #it really did taste good though...... #it had a nice tang to it! it was salty and fruity and like when you get perfume in your mouth #would've maybe tasted good mixed with some tajin on an actual grilled mango....maybe....... #but i made myself stop eating it before i could try it because the last time i did it the stomach pain was really bad and my mouth stung #and i was scared i was gonna need to go to poison control #but tbh i was more scared i was gonna need to EXPLAIN what i did and why to poison control #embarrassment may very well be the one reason my liver is still intact. thanks embarrassment 👍 #ok i can't blame this on no one being there to stop me i've been doing shit like this forever #it's really not even the worst thing i ever put in my mouth honestly #i drank hair oil a few times. i ate strawberry pound cake scented lotion. i drank a little bit of motor oil. #i licked nail polish because i wanted to see if it tasted like it smelled. it did not. it tasted so bad. #genuinely a miracle how i'm still alive and healthy. you're nothing to me kid. i'm god's special little princess and i'm never gonna die #fortunes told (asks)

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #as much as I hate to see the social cinema grow as I get new followers. we're at a good and satisfying number. and I like that #also also also. I've introduced a friend to Hannibal (tv show) and he's loving it and I'm so happy cause none of #of my other friends have been able to stomach the body horror. so it's super cool to find someone to hype over it with #another random story that I genuinely can't remember if I said already. got told by a kid in minecraft that he's smiled a lot more around me #which. huge compliment. genuine honor to make people happy and smile and laugh #people don't laugh enough. we don't smile enough. be happy or die. and I'm too powerful to die. been there. haven't done that #cry and then laugh and then punch as hard as you can. #got to visit some of my favorite residents from the nursing home I first worked at. lotta new staff but my three favorite nurses are still #which is nice. I cried when I left that job because even though it crushed my soul I loved my coworkers and most of my residents. #I get why some healthcare workers grind themselves to the bone for the job. you're making such a huge difference in people's lives. #I tried but didn't have the fortitude for it. but it's nice to be able to go back and say hi to the friends I made and see how things are. #anyway. sorry for being weird like.. one or two weeks ago. I think things are settling out again. moving is rough but we're making it work #It's been a lot of Lear again lately. especially while being at my parents house. he doesn't mind being deadnamed as much sooo.... #idk. at least one of us is capable of surviving the dmv and the state medicaid website. heaven knows I can't manage. #trying to stop using him as a crutch for getting things done has just resulted in us not being able to get things done. #but I don't want to be someone else I want to be me. I don't want to be the armor I want to be the human inside. #I don't want to live defensively. pushing everyone away. I can't do that. #anyway. we're back home! and work is on the horizon. hopefully this job works out cause I don't want to have to apply for new jobs. #the hr rep is a man at this store and I immediately got set on edge and our voice dropped as I stepped back. #then we introduced ourselves with the wrong name and he got confused and I just felt stupid about it #but how am I supposed to know which name he's been told. he didn't even use our paperwork name. Anyway that was a disaster #but we're on track and embarrassment is not a setback but a feeling about the way things progress. and it is progress we're making

[maddy-ferguson]

Yeah and since this doesnt only involve writers but also other production stuff, i wonder how theyre gonna start filming in may or june? Bec that would also be breaking the strike too... like idk how they are going to work around that. But anyway. My estimation is that the strike will at least take 3-4 months at the very least. So like. Yeah. 2025 release seems more likely bc the strike also involves other production staff

i can't lie to you i don't know shit about how american strikes in the entertainment industry work and i was a baby (6) and not american in 2007 but i mean yeah that season 5 is never seeing the light of day i fear

#this implies that i now am american which i'm not. but i'm no longer 6 #again i'm kidding and i know everyone was already like it's gonna be 2025 for sure #but as a normal person i've always been a believer in tv shows not needing three years (that's three times 365 days +1) to produce one #season sue me... #i don't think the people behind season 5 of stranger things were ever on my team but like whatever. at least this is for a good reason #not that taking your time is a bad reason. it's just. unreasonable. to me. who knows nothing about how any of this works. i mean i'm the #one who's watching tv i think my opinion matters. hashtag humble #anyway do you know what the crossing the picket line thing reminds me of? even though that's not what you said? it reminds me of #that one episode in season 2 of grey's anatomy where the nurses are on strike and george is like guys my parents are union workers i can't #cross the picket line this is not who i am and so he spends the day outside protesting while the others are in the hospital. god remember #when grey's was good #my knowledge of how tv shows were affected by the strike is like oh this season is shorter it's probably because of the 2007 strike and #that's kind of it. like *vanessa hudgens voice* yeah tv shows are gonna be canceled which is terrible but like...inevitable? idk. maybe i #shouldn't be doing this right now. #i'm not complaining about anything i was already complaining before. i said good for them like ten days ago okay i'm an ally #i'm joking but i mean. i mean it lol. i love strikes okay i'm george o'malley #ask

[cosmicrhetoric]

my dad (fellow sufferer of chronic migraines) turned to me and went haha you know if either of us had a brain tumor no one would ever know. 😶 like damn ok

#maybe its cause migraines were so normal for both of us but especially him when i was a kid #that I've been conditioned to believe headaches are not smth you go to the doctor about #i got my meds in twenty min too cause the doctor who wrote me a prescription was the same as my dads and we have very similar symptoms #i think there's an external reason for me this week though idk what but its rare for me to have this kind of head pain #personal #its always like oh i know how to deal with a migraine and then i do it and never speak to a medical professional abt it #and they way he handled it was also what he figured out in his youth and its HORRIBLE advice #when the pressure gets too high for him he makes himself throw up to alleviate it which is literally the worst thing you can do #but thats what he figured out when he was 14 and now im still doing stuff i figured out when i was 14 and good lord

[shikai-the-storyteller]

Gentleman, we're about to break 9k on this bad boy.

#i talk #fic talk #I kid you not I wrote almost 4000 words in one sitting last night then went straight to bed #If it hadn't been a work day today I would've tried to finish the whole thing #I've just got a few paragraphs left then I'm gonna do some format fiddling then it's good to go #I'm gonna be in the office tomorrow though......... #hmmmm #yeah I'll still probably post it tomorrow morning #and do the usual ''hey I posted this thing finally!'' notice I do when I'm back #Me: Wouldn't it be funny if I pushed it a little further and did 10k--- #My brain & body holding a nerf gun to my head: NO. IT WOULDN'T #I've dropped 43k on a TF fic I know 9k isn't the most I've ever written for a fic #but I haven't done it in a hot minute

[katyspersonal]

I don’t believe it is an internalised ableism or something, I am just not feeling too happy or proud for being autistic for reasons that proven being solid for me.

It effects individuals differently, and in my case it is more like... my brain is wired specifically to cause discomfort and problems, it seems. Maybe it doesn’t help I was undiagnosed for almost my whole life nor I received proper accommodations, but like... I am still 25 and talked Enough with people, and I came to the conclusion that no matter how many social rules I memorise, no matter how many bad outcomes I try to predict, no matter how badly I try to act likeable or “normal” if you will - always, always, ALWAYS there is SOMETHING. Just SOME little thing that makes people uncomfortable, and yet they would never tell me. Either fearing to hurt me or thinking it is so ‘obvious’ that no way I am not aware - but I am not.

Because it is not about learning ‘enough’ unsaid social rules (they also change with time or depend on the culture), or, god forbid, blindly agreeing with EVERY time someone calls something bad in fear of causing a problem (there are still manipulators or people who are JUST wrong in accusations). It is about like... some ‘construct’, some ‘driver’ in the brain other people have that allows them to ‘detect’ social cues without explanations or instructions, and to always have it updated with society. Driver that I just... don’t have?

And I am doomed to always make people uncomfortable until I either die or just stop communicating with them completely. I can only say ‘World would’ve been a better place if ya’ll told your neurodivergent friend if they’re doing something wrong (and explain why so) because 9 times out of 10 they have no idea’ before I realise... Well, how would it occur to the majority that they’re dealing with an exception? Heck, most people I know irl don’t even know what autism is and still perceive it as a concept through the most stereotypical/ableist lense possible.

“Bonuses” like semi-regularly being yelled at for not getting an “obvious” thing fast enough, being compared to a robot/animal/etc (because they are ‘likewise oblivious when they do something awful because they follow pre-destined program/instincts’, you know the drill). So I just have this... way of how my brain works that guarantees I’ll be making people feel bad unintentionally AND guarantees I’ll be getting insults or seen as intellectually inferior over things I deadass don’t know how to change.

The thing is, I’d still rather not get rid of it. It is just how I am, there is nothing to “fix” because it isn’t “broken”, it is just different. That’s what I’d love - to adapt effectively. But nothing will ever be effective enough because in the end I need to ‘just get’ things and there is no ‘algorithm’ for reading the cues. And it throws me into despair sometimes.

#/vent #/ableism #autism #tbh it is less specific and more like... i've been growing more and more hopeless #i just don't know what can help me #fixing bad habits is one thing but how do you 'fix' how your brain is built? #nonetheless it causes me and others problems because everything in society is formed with allistics in mind #which is fair because they're majority! #but there is something very dark in like... accepting myself the way i am when 'the way i am' causes problems #makes me pick wording that gets misinterpreted. makes me reduce calm people into yelling at me for being 'dumb' #(though tbh latter is more like problem of the teachers than mine) #i just feel like life in human society is not for me and i don't truly belong anywhere #too 'oblivious' for intellectual elite but too 'robotic' (???) for the good guys #i've been feeling like a little kid again (in terms of helplessness) recently. i want to run but in a special way #like run from the existance itself. from humanity. from world. from space and time. #somewhere i could be myself without causing troubles or BEING troubled #yet i can't...

[whoslaurapalmer]

i’m trying to find new things to watch for fall/halloween but i feel like i’m either like. too picky?? or i don’t know what i want?? i’m just honestly not interested in watching horror or gore stuff, i want like. spooky times!! that take place around halloween!!! with supernatural stuff!!!! but also like. not media designed for kids!!!! and i know there’s gotta be something out there but every time i look i feel like all i get is ‘gory horror movie’ or ‘cute kid magic’ and i don’t want either of them!!!!!!!!!!!!

#also like. a lot of horror is just. horror. i just want something more. ON halloween?????? #I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE //SAME// HALLOWEEN SHOWS AND MOVIES FOR 28 YEARS NOW and i just want to add more new stuff... #and if you google 'halloween movie list' it's the same fucking movies i am already aware of!!!! #okay i do not MIND horror (with or without blood) but it's not something i really like. actively seek out. #do not really like being scared-scared. i appreciate a GOOD scare though. like a well done movie where i can respect being scared. #like the haunting from the 60s. #but i don't like slashers i don't like a great deal of blood i like murder mysteries but i don't like. endless murder #and i want something!!!! fall-oriented!!!!! halloween-oriented!!!!!!!! ghosts!!!! haunted places!!!!! magic!!!!!! #designed for kids is not necessarily terrible i just want something more. adult. but fun!! exciting!! some scary!! spooky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!