#oh my god its updating tmrw

[captain-cheeseboi]

oh my god the chapter count has been updated

#NINETEEN MORE CHAPTERS #ITS NOT ENOUGH #tbh i dont think anything will ever be enough i really love this fic more than life itself #im not ready for it to end yet #oh my god its updating tmrw #im like genuinely nervous #im gonna sob when it ends i just know it #i hope zar still loves writing fics after the way he was treated #crimson rivers #zeppazariel

[angelicdanvers]

BREATHE DEEPER | two.

a charlie bushnell x fem!reader social media fic.

y/n

liked by william.franklyn.miller, levizmiller, amitasuman_, and others

y/n — been missing these lads as of late 🫡

dior.n.goodjohn HOW IS EVERYONE YOU WORK WITH SO GORGEOUS ↳ y/n GIRL YOU BETTER BE INCLUDING YOURSELF WHEN YOU SAY THAT

iamcharliebushnell aww these are cute ↳ y/n why ty

levizmiller i miss you too :( ↳ y/n :( can i visit you and ed soon ↳ levizmiller WDYM OF COURSE YOU CAN

calamawy The 30th is right around the corner 👀 Dinner at 5:30? My place? ↳ y/n OH MY GOD YES

matt_lintz WHY DO I STILL HAVE YOUR BLAZER ↳ y/n STOP THATS WHERE ITS BEEN 😭 anyways tell my lover girl i say hi ↳ matt_lintz oi she’s my girl ↳ y/n sharing is caring my friend 🤷‍♀️

freddycarter1 I have so many rolls of film to show you ↳ y/n no way so do i ↳ freddycarter1 This is definitely the universe’s way of telling us we have to meet up 😅 That polaroid of Amita and I will remain superior btw ↳ y/n UR WELCOME FOR THE BEST IMAGE EVER, but yes we do. imma be in london soon 🫡

william.franklyn.miller a little birdie told me you’d be photographing a certain someone ↳ y/n definitely not you ↳ william.franklyn.miller in your dreams, darling

iamcharliebushnell can i come over ↳ y/n i’m a couple hundred miles from japan tonight ↳ iamcharliebushnell what (imy) ↳ y/n jk no i’m gonna go to bed (i’ll stay up for fifteen more mins) ↳ iamcharliebushnell 😭 (good)

LUKEY POOKIE SENT A MESSAGE !

lukey pookie

hiiiiiiiiiiiii

↳ HI CHARLIE

lukey pookie

OH OK HI Y/N

↳ WASSUP

lukey pookie

I MISS YOU

↳ why

lukey pookie

why not 🙄

↳ why

lukey pookie

why not 😾

↳ why

lukey pookie

BECAUSE

anyways

i just realized we never got to go watergliding

↳ sadly :/

lukey pookie

that’s why we should

soon

↳ OMG that’d be cool

but i’m so busy rn 😭

lukey pookie

hey hey that’s okay

i’m sure we’ll find time?

↳ i hope sooo

but yeah i got a lot happening tmrw

lukey pookie

oh??

↳ yeah 😭 gotta prep for more of the filming and i have several photoshoots coming up

lukey pookie

THATS EXCITING THO

↳ YEAH

im just exhausted

lukey pookie

when i see you next i’ll make you your fav tea again

that’s a promise

↳ awww charlie 🥹 you’re too sweet

lukey pookie

only for the best :)

you should sleep now

↳ yuuup

goodnight, c ❤️

lukey pookie

goodnight, y/n ❤️

— taglist.

@shokocoded @istillremberthefirstfallofsnow @surftrips @svtsimp22 @gcidrvsh @idontevencare1223 @thames-fig @captainshischier @reggieslifeboat @multifandom-loser @wheelerslover @mermaid-mqtel @randomnpc456 @kaithoughs @isab3lita @mariposa555 @sunshinessky @myr-cheri @thedeadlynights @ella33 @c1nn4mng1rl @poppysrin @breadbrobin @lucy-the-ant @jules-loves-lukecastellan @taloulalila @tom-pls-fuck-me @mia-luvs @iknowyoureabigfan @rinisfruity14 @gwetvr

thank you for all the support <33 i will update the taglist if more people wish to join :)

stay safe and drink water, lovelies!

i love you and i’m proud of you <333

#charlie bushnell #charlie bushnell x reader #charlie bushnell x you #percy jackson and the olympians #percy jackson #pjo #pjotv #social media fic #luke castellan #percy jackson x reader

[cheolhub]

update 2: friend group shrunk by one and it wasn't me that was unfriended by everyone girly got what she deserved for making a gc and trying to talk shit ab me thinking all of my friends are a shitty person like her lol

I never once came at her in a disrespectful manner and if anything I was wayy too nice about the whole situation. I never even talked bad about her to any of my friends because I was trying to keep the peace but everyone has their breaking points.

I'm glad we don't have to go through any weird interactions now trust me I think that's what I was dreading most about this but she did everyone a favor by trying to be a sneaky bitch.. she got her karma real quick

anyways I hope you're doing well & that you have a good day tmrw sar!! <3

ALSO YOU'RE GOING TO SEE ENHYPEN?! you're so lucky I wish I could go to the one here in Anaheim but my uni schedule is so packed this semester I wish it was on a weekend bc then I would be able to go but oh well :/

- 🧸

OH MY GOD????? I WAS GOING TO REPLY TO YOUR OTHER ASK SAYING BLOCK HER BUT I DIDNT WANT TO COME OFF TOO HARSH 😭😭😭 nonnie, im so happy they all saw what kind of person she was and im glad you (hopefully) never have to interact with her

honestly, kudos to you because my anxiety would’ve made me suffer in silence. im proud of u for standing up for yourself and talking to her hurrah!!!!!! she got what she deserved fr 😁

YESSSSS, im flying to seattle and seeing them on the 28th and bc my birthday is the 30th, im spending a few more days there to celebrate 🥹🥹 im súper excited bc i wanted to see them here back in October but the tix were SOOOOO expensive for nosebleeds and they arent my ults so i wasnt willing to spend that much (i say this as im planning a whole trip to an expensive ass city like seattle TO see them 😭 but the concert tix were actually so cheap so its fine)

I HOPE SOMEHOW UR WEEK ISNT TOO BUSY SO U CAN BUY SOME LAST MINUTE TIX. if not, dont worry. i will send you vids. whos ur bias so i know who to get a fancam of

and i hope you have a great day too bff 🩷 thank you for sending me updates and im really happy it all worked out <3333

#[ 🧸: anon ! ]

[hxseok-honee]

Oh my gods we really managed to coerce you into feeding us crumbs willingly

We aren't going to have anything new to read tmrw are we LMAO 💀

ITNFIFNI a lot of spicy stuff will not be new LMAO but theres a lot i havent touched yet

tmrs update is gonna be half text half written and the written is LONG so,,,, its a hefty update and i have no idea why

#i could def break it into two updates #but we know i wont

[typicalmidnight]

iron man 2 running commentary

okay so watching iron man 2 for the first time and i have a feeling im gonna have lots of commentary to share so it will all be under the cut! i’m gonna keep updating it as i watch!

*starts watching iron man 2 without watching iron man first cause it’s not on netflix and is only 2 minutes in but completely confused*

*questions my intelligence because i was able to understand the other marvel movies without watching other ones first*

*wonders if somehow i haven’t seen enough tony stark on tumblr to understand but i’ve somehow seen enough of other things to understand other movies*

*cue suprised and upset anon* sorry anon!!

okay anon!! help me pls! is the guy in the very beginning of iron man 2 someone from the first movie, and if he is who is he?? or is he new in this movie? edit: nevermind i looked it up

omg the first scene we see iron man is so cooool i love it!

holy sh*t he just landed on a stage omggg *freaks out so much because WOW*

im not even 7 minutes in yet but WOW IM SHOOK

i litterally just watched that first scene of tony/iron man in awe the whole time

“the possibility of world peace” BAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAA there’s a whole lot in store for the world, and i can guarantee it wont be peaceful lol

the stark expo is year long?!?!!?!!??? wow....

oooh oooh oooh that’s happy!

tony with kids awww

OMG THATS PETER PARKER RIGHT

STAN LEEEE OMG AWWWW

wait what did tony do??

AHHHHH pepper!!

does tony like pepper yet?? are they dating??

god tony. his sense of humor omg.

pepper isnt impressed lol

tony is so savage we stan a queen lol

you’re right, it isn’t canada cause we’re AWESOME and dont have ppl trying to get rid of iron man

rhodey!! i know who that is!

litterally everything tony says is amazing

oooooh whats tony up to?...

world peace? dream on tony

did he just say f**k you to tony stark? UM NO YOU DID NOT

oof the scenes with this bad dude are boring

wait i take that back HE JUST CUT A TV IN HALF!!

“wake up, daddy’s home” god i love tony

i think im getting too excited about everything lolll

tony insulting that robot arm thing gives me life

whats that thing in tony’s chest?? im guessing it has something to do with him being iron man and was part of the first movie

im confused about the relationship between pepper and tony

oooh shes ceo congrats to her!!

is this actually good tho?? the look on her face isnt great

oh okay its good she was just suprised

are those like fake documents or something?

OMG ITS NATASHA!!! AHHHHHHHH I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHE’S LIKE MY FAVE MCU WOMAN OTHER THAN MJ

i got way too excited there and hit my wrist on my wall and now it hurts

wait he doesn’t know nat yet??? HOW?!

also ummm natalie rushman?? that name kinda suits her?? ish idk

NATASHA IS A QUEEEEEEN!!!! I STANNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i also got so excited about nat that my eyes started to water

“i want one” okay tony nat could knock you out in a second and she for sure doesn’t need a man! also PEPPER!!!!!! LIKE WHAT ABOUT HER!

its the grand prix! it looks just like it does in cars 2!! lollll i was super shooketh about that when i made the connection

OMG ITS NAT AGAIN YAY!

WAIT is tony gonna drive that race car??? is he gonna race??? OMG i hope he does

also my wrist still hurts

wait pepper is suprised?? tony you didnt tell pepper? TONY YOU DIDNT TELL PEPPER??? TONY COME ONNNNNN

OMG TONY WHY PEPPER IS CONCERNED NOW

also is nat working for tony or something

oof its 12 am i should sleep i have school tmrw

haha bish that reporter lady left cause ur boring and nobody cares about you

AHHHH TONY’S GONNA RACEEEE

omg tony is racing tony is racing TONY IS RACING TONY IS RACING!!!! TONY PLS DONT DIE OR SOMETHING

hello my name is leea and i’m a huge drama queen that loves and cares so much about tony stark

OMG ITS THE VILLAIN GUY ACKKK TONY IS GONNA DIE

im still super dramatic lol

and also 100% convinced tony is gonna die even tho i know that wont happen

IM GETTING SO MUCH ANXIETY FROM JUST WATCHING THIS AHHHH

THE VILLAN GUY IS GOING SOMEWHERE ONTO THE TRACK OR SOMETHING ACKKKK

i hit my elbow and my head (not too hard dont worry) and the elbow is the same arm that i hurt my wrist so now my arm hurts from my elbow to my hand

WHAT IS THAT GUY DOING HE JUST WALKED ONTO THE RACE CAR TRACK

i litterally pressed play and then pressed pause two seconds later ooooof

peppers face omg she is shooketh lol

WTF IS HE DOING??!!!!!! also wth is he wearing on his chest?

OOOOOOOOOMG he has his slicy electricity weapon thingies TONY IS GONNA DIE AHHHH

HE JUST HIT A CAR OMG I HOPE THE PERSON IS OKAY

^big example of me being a drama queen and innocent and sweet at the same time

HAPPY HAS WHAT IM ASSUMING TO BE IRON MAN SOMETHING

TONY IS ABOUT TO DIE!!!

i paused it right before he hits the car omg the suspense!!!!!

ANXIETY LEVELS RIGHT NOW

OMG TONY NOOOOOOOO

IM BREATHING SO DEEP AND FAST RIGHT NOW IM PANICKING FOR TONY (it’s called hyperventalating. future me remembered the word lol)

dude WHYYY would you take off your helmet??!!!!

there is a dude coming to kill you and i think a helmet would help protect you idiot!!

OMG THERES A CAR COMING AT THE VILLAIN GUY

WHAT IF IT HITS HIM AND THEN HITS TONY

THEY JUST EXPLODED OMG

i just choked because i was like WHAT JUST HAPPENED

there are cars exploding behind him and this dude just doesnt care!!

why have i started saying dude?

owww my wrist hurts

typing hurts

owwww

its actually really not that bad im dramatic

is pepper gonna save tony????

does the case have the rescue armor ive read about?????

HE JUST TRIED TO KILL TONY

*facepalms* tony WHY did you just hit him on the head with whatever that was??? what did you think it would accomplish??????? this dude just sliced your car in half and tried to kill you, do you think you can take him out by hitting him on the head??? just get tf out of there!!!

OMG HES GONNA KILL TONY

i just hit my head again (not hard it fine)

OMG DID HE JUST HIT TONY

I THINK HE JUST HIT TONY

IM NOT OKAY

AND I DONT THINK HE IS EITHER

AHHHHHHHHHHH

okay i’m going to bed cause its almost 1 am and i have school. anyway, this is the 100th comment which is kinda good to leave off at! i’ll finish watching tmrw and keep posting!

okay i’m back! about to start watching the movie!

ahhhhhh poor tony!!! i’m only a few seconds in but already panicking for him!!

omg hes getting ready to kill tony!! and tony is just lying on the ground!!!

pepper and happy come save him! ! ! ! ! !!!!!!!

or nat!!!!

ahhhhhhhhh tonys gonna die!!!!!!!!!!!!!

with every second i freak out moreeeee

oh thank GOD tony moved!!!

that car just exploded omg tony almost diedddd!!!

AHHHHH TONY IS ON FIRE

how tf is he so calm!!!!????!?!?!?!?!?

i mean hes not that calm but way calmer than any normal human should be in this situation

is he just like used to people trying to kill him??

OMG thats soo saaaaaaaddddd

OKAY HERE COMES PEPPER AND HAPPY

please run over him!!!

OMG THEY ALMOST HIT TONY

but they hit the bad guy yay!!!

awww tony is bleeding!

well i mean thats kinda expected lol

oof tony is mad

OMG PEPPER IS SO PISSED

shes acting like a mom lol

OMG THE GUYS WEAPONS ARE POWERING ON

THEY’RE ALL GONNA DIE

TONY JUST GET IN THE CAR

OMG THE DOOR

TONY GET IN THE CAR AND HAPPY GET TF OUT OF THERE!!!!

tony just GET IN THE CAR

OMG THE AIR BAG

HE JUST CUT THE WINDOW

THIS SCENE IS SO INTENSE OMG

okay pepper i love you but JUST GIVE TONY THE CASE

tony your armor is taking WAY TOO LONG to get on!!!

AHHHHH LOOK AT THE ARMOR!!!!!

ITS SO OLD

like not old

but compared to his current suit

the “it’s nanotech. you like it?” one

its nothing

AHHH HE HIT TONYS ARM

AHHHH TONYS GONNA DIE

AHHHH PEPPER IS SCREAMING

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#drama queen much? #yes thats me

AHHH COME ON TONY

love how i’ve only gotten 3 more minutes into the movie and i’m already at 47 comments

OMG HE JUST WHIPPED TONY TO THE GROUND

omg poor tony!!!!

can everyone just leave my dad alone PLEASE

YAY TONY!! NOW THE BAD GUY IS ON THE GROUND!!!

oh thank god tony is okay hes not dead he won for now

eww he just spat out a bunch of blood

“you loose” how??? like what???

ooooooooooh wait no is tony gonna get in trouble.......

i forgot to say this yesterday but this whole scene with the guy on the track and stuff and the exploding cars in kinda similar to cars 2

i guess you cant have a racing scene in a movie without a car exploding tho

what is up with that guy with glasses?? like hes weird i dont trust him

why arent there subtitles translating whatever language they are speaking in (french? idk)

ya its french

ofc tony talks about the technology lol

and critcizes the bad guy’s

tony this guy tried to kill you WHY are you sitting down next to him??!!?

that guy is weird and kinda creepy

okay just f off senator dude nobody likes you, your opinion isnt valid, and i wanna punch you

“these suits exist now”????? wtf b*tch no they dont!

wait what ever happened to nat??

pepper is really responsible shes great i love her

what does that note say???

omg is that a bomb or something??!

why do guards always help prisoners escape like seriously

is that guy gonna take his place or something??

also he kinda looks like haymitch from hunger games

omg wait WTF WAS THAT

ALSO GUARD WHAT THE HELL

i was right! it was a bomb!

why did they throw him in a truck??

omg why are they in an airport?!

are they gonna help him escape??!!

why is there a table and people....

is that glasses guy sitting at the table?

i was right it is glasses guy!

i didn’t trust him from the start

why is he helping him tho...

friend? fan? what is going on?!!!???

YAYYYYY theres nat!!!

“erratic behaviour”??? what are you talking about???? he just saved himself from being killed how is that erratic?????!!

awwww poor tony

i beleive in you tony, and i love you, but no honey, you don’t know exactly what you’re doing you need help!

“software sh*t” aaaaaaaaaaahahahahhaahhaaaaa

make iron man look like an antique? ya no way is that gonna happen

is nat his assistant or something im a bit confused

aww tony is like so depressed i feel so bad for him!!

stannnnn nat

back on watch? what does that mean...

omg tony is so drunkkkkkk nooooo

ohhhhh tonyyyyy noooo come onnnn

you’re so drunk dude stopppp

god tony you’re so drunk pleaseee

wait why is rhodey fighting him anyway?

wow this is my 101 comment today and i’ve only watched 20 mins today

omggggg people are recordingggg this isn’t gonna end well

*sighs* oh god tony dont yell at them whyyyyy

omg tonys in the fire place!!!

omg that just happened. they just fired at each other.

also just saying tony, he does have what it takes to be war machine cause he continues to be...

ohhhh is tony okay??

im confused tho why did they start fighting in the first place?

okay i just looked it up, it was because he was being irresponsible and drunk, and putting people at the party in danger, and he wouldnt stop

ngl its getting kinda tiring to keep updating this but i’m gonna keep going cause i want this record for myself, and i’m not gonna quit something

ok i’m gonna continue the movie tmrw cause its prob gonna be a snow day (lol i left off at 111)

#iron man 2 #lovely special

[literallyprentissstwin]

SURVIVAL TACTICS - Spencer Reid x Reader

this was requested by an anon <3 

Prompt: “I´m pregnant.”

Characters: Spencer Reid x Y/N Y/L/N, mention of the team, Lennart, the unsub, hostages

Warnings: hostage situation, mild to heavy angst, pew pew

A/N: okay this got wayy loonger than i wanted it to be and i could easily have split it into a two parter but no (: so there you go! also i could have done this in a fluffy way, but my angsty ass though “mhhh better not. go with the angst.” so i did :) thank you to @illegalcerebral and @veroinnumera for helping me and especially thank you to sarah for prereading it and being my human sounding board <3 also this will be then only update today :) tmrw you´ll get some writing and the reading list :) enjoy! and feedback is kind of appreciated, a lot tbh! :) 

To say Y/N was happy would be the understatement of the century. She just couldn´t believe it, she was over the moon and beyond. 

Y/N was pregnant. Well, she and Spencer actually never planned to have a child yet since they were dating for only 4 months now, but they had talked about it before and both of them always wanted to have kids of their own. Now, it would finally happen and Y/N couldn´t wait to tell him about it. To make sure the test wasn´t mistaken, she called her doctor and set up an appointment for the next day. If he would confirm it, she would talk to Spencer about it. 

Thoughts were running through her head. How would he react? Would he be as happy as she was? Suddenly, she started to imagine the worst case scenarios in her mind. What if he thought it all would have been a mistake? What if he suddenly doesn´t want a child or if he wasn´t ready yet? Would he reject her? Or the child? Tears started to gather inside Y/N´s eyes. Angrily, she wiped them away and took a deep breath. Why should he react like this? After all, he wanted to be a dad someday and he loved her, so everything would turn out just fine...right? 

Y/N was pregnant, 8 weeks already to be exact. The doctor confirmed it yesterday and Y/N had spend all day to plan how to approach the subject with her boyfriend. The couple agreed to go out for dinner after work today. This would be where Y/N wanted to break the news to him or how it was originally planned, if there hadn´t been a case which came up. 

The team was called in on a local hostage situation in a bank. A man was trying to roub out the bank. All the team knew was that there were 20 people inside, five of them were kids and the man had already shot the manager as well as his partner. He was loosing it; this was why the BAU has been called in. 

Within ten minutes, the team arrived at the scene, starting to coordinate their actions with the local police department. Just as they were about to form a plan, the unsub called and Rossi picked up the phone. 

“This is SSA David Rossi with the FBI. Who am I talking to?”

“It´s none of your business. If you want all those people alive, I want you to fulfill my demands.”, the man spoke. 

“Okay, what do you need?”, the agent asked. 

“Oh, first of all, I would prefer speaking to your pretty friend on your left. Give her the phone or else I have to kill someone.”

Hesitating a bit and realising, that he must be watching them, Rossi gave the phone to Y/N: 

“Hello, this is Agent Y/N Y/L/N. What´s your name?”

“It doesn´t matter, sunshine.”

“Oh, it does to me. I´d like to know the people I´m talking to by their name.”, Y/N replied. 

“You can call me Lennart, but the name isn´t one of your bigger problems, Agent Y/L/N.”

“Okay, Lennart. Nobody has to get hurt, okay? What about you tell me what you need and I´ll see what I can do.”, Y/N negotiated whil exchanging glances with her teammates. 

“Well, it´s up to you if someone gets hurt, so you bette do what I say.”, Lennart replied and took a deep breath before he continued, “all I need is a private jet ready to fly me wherever I wanna go. If the jet is ready, I wanna leave the building without someone following me.”

“That´s it?”, Y/N asked. 

“Yes, I think that´s enough. You´ve got one hour.”

“Wooah, Lennart, we need more.”

“Honey, you won´t get more. I want the jet ready in an hour. If not, I´m gonna kill everyt single hostage in that building.”, and with that, Lennart ended the call. 

“It´s impossible. We can´t give him the jet.”, Derek said. 

“There needs to be something elese we can do.”, Spencer agreed. 

“There has to. We can´t let 20 people die in there.”, Y/N said and excused herself while she walked away from the group, Reid quickly following her. 

Y/N was leant against a FBI van, feeling a bit dizzy and overwhelmed and tried to gather her thoughts. She didn´t hear Reid coming up beside her. 

“Hey, you okay?”, he asked full of concern. 

“Yeah...I´m fine, it´s just...”, she began but was interrupted by Reid wrapping his arms around her. 

“I know...I hate it too. But we´ll get them out of there. I promise.”

“What do you mean he won´t get the jet? We just agreed there isn´t another choice.”, Y/N exclaimed ,”we don´t have any other plan either.”

“I know...but we can not let him escape.”, Hotch reasoned. 

“So we take in stake the death of 15 adults and five kids rather than letting him escap where we could track him at any time?”, Y/N practically screamed. 

“Hey, Y/N, calm down.”, Reid tried to reassure his angry girlfriend. 

“No, I´m not gonna calm down. I don´t know about you, but I don´t wanna be responsible for the deaths of these 20 people who rely on us.”, the young woman said. 

“We´ll get them out, Y/N. We just need to ask for more time or develop another plan.”, Emily replied. 

“Which he won´t grant us. These people are gonna be dead, guys. The second we tell him the jet won´t be here, he´ll panic and kill them.”, JJ answered., supporting Y/N. 

“There´s only one option left.”, Y/N said as she took off her cevlar vest and her gun and badge. 

“No way, Y/N.”, Reid reasoned as he got closer to her.

“It´s the only thing we have left. If I´ll go inside, I can at least try to get some hostages free and secure the scene, so you could get in.”

“This is stupid.”, Emily stated at which her co-workers agreed. 

“Well, we need to do something and I won´t keep standing her and watch how he kills everyone.”

“I go!”, Reid offered and looked at Hotch, who started to think. 

“I hat to say it, but Y/N´s right. Let her go inside, she already got his trust and he seems to be interested in her, so she would be the only one who could get him to surrender.”, the Unit Chief explained. 

“Fine...”, Y/N agreed and turned to walk towards the bank, hoping to get back alive. God, why was she doing this again? 

“Lennart? Hey, it´s me. Y/N, remember? We talked earlier this day!”, Y/N said calmly as she entered the building. The unsub, who got scared, grabbed a man and held him in front of himself like a shield. 

“Wooah, calm down. I´m only here to talk.”

“Where is my jet?”, Lennart wanted to know. 

“We still need time, Lennar. It´s on its way, but it doesn´t work that quick.”

“I gave you an hour. That´s long enough.”, he replied, voice shaky, as he placed the gun with equal shaky hands at the head of the man. 

“No, Lennart, look at me. Nobody has to get hurt in here. You´ll get your jet. As long as it hasn´t arrived, you´ve got me. So you can let at least the women and kids go. They have nothing to do with it.”

“Why should I do that?”, Lennart asked as he pushed the man aside. 

“Maybe as a sign of good will? Look at them, they are scared. They are not responsible for any of this here, please.” After starring eachother down for what felt like an eternity, he gave in. 

“Okay, go. GO!”, he yelled towards them and the hostages immediatley ran outside. 

“Great, thank you!”, Y/N sighed relieved. 

“What no, sweatheart? I´m still waiting.”

“Well, we could talk. Why this? What´s the reason for this?”

“No...don´t waste my time. Get that damn jet here.”

“Is it because you need the money? Or because of the fame and reputaion in the news? Or maybe it wasn´t your plan, huh? It was your partners plan, but since he already was killed or should I say killed himself, you´re stuck in this alone.”

“Shut up.”

“Is it that? You´re just a sidekick without a plan?”

“I told you to shut up or..”

“Or what, Lennart? You´re gonna shoot me? Nah, you couldn´t hurt a fly.”, Y/N replied provocatively. 

“You don´t know me.”, Lennart spit back as he started to pace back and forth. 

“Oh, I learned more about you in the past 10 minutes than you think. Do you wanna hear what I think is going on?”

Lennart kept quiet, he was trapped and didn´t know what to do. 

“Well, here´s my guess: You´re way too emotional and soft for this. You keep threatening to kill someone, but I think you don´t have the guts to do so. All this was your friends idea, but now that he is dead you´re the only one responsible for this which was his plan from the very beginning. You were just too naive to notice. Also, you´re married which I can see at your ring. You seem like a caring person who loves his wife. I saw it in the look you gave the other women and the kids. You didn´t want to hurt them, because you are a father and husband too and you could never ever hurt them. You wouldn´t volunteer to do such a thing. You were forced into doing it to secure their safety.”

Again, ther was silence. 

“How much of it was right?”, Y/N wanted to know. Lennart sighed. 

“The only way to get out of this safely is to go out there with me.”, Y/N suggested. 

“Not a chance! As soon as I am going out there, I´ll be dead.”, Lennart reasoned as he kept pacing. 

“Not when I´m with you. So...what are you doing?”

“DON´T SHOOT!”, Y/N screamed as she exited the bank together with Lennart. Immediatley, her team and the cops came closer, but lowered their guns. 

“He surrender, right? He came out here to stand up for what he did.”, Y/N told them, but Lennart didn´t seem to pay attention.

Suddenly, he noticed the snipers on the roofs.

“YOU BITCH!”, he yelled as he grabbed Y/N and held her close to him, gun pressing against her head, “you lied to me!”

“No, Lennart, no. I did not know about the snipers, really. Look, I´m the only thing right now between you and a bullet and since I´m pregnant, I woldn´t risk anything.”

Well, this wasn´t how she had planned on confessing it but oh well. she needed to get out of this, alive. 

Y/N heard gasps coming from her team and Reid looked like he was about to faint. IN that moment, she felt incredibly sorry. She was being reckless and putting not only herself but also her baby in danger.

“I´m sorry.”, she mouthed towards Spencer who has seemed to go into shock. 

“No...”, Lennart spoke up, “I´m not going into jail. No.”

“Lennart, listen, It´s over, okay? Let Y/N go and maybe we can talk about everything.”, Aaron tried to talk to the man, who only tightened the grip on Y/N. 

“Lennart...please...think about your family. They wouldn´t want you to do this.”, Y/N said, struggling with air. 

“They´ll understand...I´m sorry...”, and with that, Lennart pushed Y/N hardly towards the ground before he raised his gun to shoot at the cops; a battle he lost. 

“NO, STOP,STOP!”, Reid yelled as he tried to get closer to Y/N, who was laying on the ground. As the shots subsided, he quickly ran at her side. 

“Y/N...hey...”, he knelt down and quickly checked for injuries, letting out a breath as he didn´t see any, “thank god!”

“I´m okay...I just sprained my wrist.”, Y/N said as she leant in to hug Spencer. 

He held her tight, but suddenly pushed her back. 

“Yre you out of your mind? Going into such a dangerous situation in this condition? What were you thinking?”, he wanted to know as he looked at his girlfriend. 

“I thought about doing my job and saving those people, Spence.”; Y/N replied, trying to get up, her knees shaking, “I-I´m sorry for scaring you. Please don´t be mad.”

“Just promise you wont do it again” Y/N nodded but knew that this was a promise which she would break again to protect her loved ones. Reid smiled. 

“Y-You´re really pregnant?”

“Yeah..8 weeks along. I found out two days ago and actually planned on telling you tonight during dinner. I-I know it´s quite early yet since we´re together for only 4 months and I can totally understand if you aren´t ready to be a Dad yet, but..”, Y/N´s rambling was interrupted by Reid kissing her passionately. After they broke apart, he smiled at her. 

“I´m the happiest person. I´m so excited. We´re gonna have a baby.”, he laughed and hugged her before he wirled her around, causing everyone else to smile too.

“I love you so much!”; Spencer said as he let her down again and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I love you too!”, Y/N replied, more than happy with the way Spence reacted. 

“Come on, let´s get you checked out and then head home!”, Reid said as they made there way over to the ambulance, smiling brightly and overly excited for what was about to come. 

@ultrarebelheart @illegalcerebral @dontshootmespence @obsessed5sosfreak @remember-me-forever-silent-angel @imagicana @marvelfanlife @liz-a-22 @sunreid @amaybedeadcat @mybabys-gunsandroses @littledizzyhurricane @shaelyn102 @shiningmish @michellelisa @iammostdefinitelyonfire26 @fl0werb0nes18 @ceciliawho @butsomeofusarelookingatthestars @anton-shudders @sayernita @rubenlosthischeeks @jessiedangerous @badwolf-at-bay @ssa-aaronhotchner @veroinnumera @acespence @captainreid @ssaunitchief @lesbian-asajj @alienlynz @massivelyproudmixer @tenaciousarcadeexpert @crimindsaspe @lookwhatyoumademequeue

#criminal minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds reader insert #criminal minds x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid reader insert #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid angst #this got way too long i am so sorry

[dernise520]

I know my mood's been pretty bad although I know I've valid reasons for having that kinda reaction.i mean at least I don't try to stay and ponder too long, so I guess that's kinda improvement on my side?

Lots of things happening lately, but the one most recent one is my friend wanting to ask for a divorce. Yes yes, sometime her questions will make me go back to the unhappy past but I try my best not to dwell too much and too long till I overthink. & I guess I'm more vocal now? So at least he knows whats on my mind.

But the few questions that I may not have an answer to, are sometimes still stuck in my head. Perhaps I don't have the courage to ask, or I'm just hoping that he reads this post 1 day, because I think he doesn't read my blog anymore cos I haven't been updating for awhile now.

Questions....

1) if I'm pregnant again, it indirectly means our sexual life will be stopped when I have a belly, will you once again do what you did the last time? My God. I don't even have the courage to type out in words here

2) so I'm gonna be bloated again and feeling inferior about my looks, pretty sure I'll fall into the depressed mood, will you be like Sian?

3) 4 months of maternity leave at home, will I once again find out stuffs? I'm so afraid......😢

Oh boy....when will I ever have answers.

Its such an irony that here i am telling my friend that you can't go around finding loyalty. How much one person loves their spouse and how much they want the family will determine how loyal one will be. What about you? Are you confident that you'll never betray me?

I'll never have the courage to ask you that. Or maybe when we quarrel and emo hits me ill be able to ask.

Tmrw I'm seeing my daddy . Like finally. I'm happy yet worried.why is he asking for my ic. Is he writing a will or smth? Ppl don't write wills unless they know they might not make it or what right?

I won't over think for now.

I'll just sleep it thru i hope. Been having bad bad negative nightmares lately......please...I just wanna sleep peacefully.

[morguebaddie]

ok i need to write down what happened yesterday lest i 4get.. well i woke up at noon and we still hadnt decided what we were gonna do 4 the day and i was starving so i suggested we get ihop n then walk around the sponge docks but they never actually agreed.. k1 was just like ok send me ur address ur ready right? and so i did. so i have a crisis while getting dressed and settle on looking normal but still cute... a little bit of flavor in there 4 sure. bc this is the 1st time theyve seen me out of uniform so i hafta make somewhat of an impression but not too much. and then i sit next 2 k1 in the booth on purpose and come time 2 pay there was a problem w her card apparently so she looked at me with those puppy eyes and i just melted and caved into buying her food. i tried to play it off cool but idk i probably looked dumb as usual. i didnt mind at all tho tbh. and then we decided to go walk around gvsq mall the really run down one with only like 5 stores and nothing interesting going on in it. i made them go into claires 1st but didnt buy anything even tho i wanted to bc i was self conches abt getting rainbow bunny sparkle hair clips in front of them and bc claires is really expensive actually. and then we went into spencers bc ive never been in a spencers before and wow the wall in the back with the sex toys really is true lol its really there.. and we were fucking laughing bc there were genital themed party favors and it was so stupid and corny like who would buy this shit 😭 and k2 was unironically looking at the shotglasses and flasks with the corny sayings on them and i 🤦‍♀️ . oh yeah i got the tres leches pancake combo at ihop and it was good. man i miss going on midnight diner hops w syd. um then we went to hot topic and spent a good amt of time in there, there were actually a decent amt of cute things but the flood of bnha and harry potter junk is so hard to stomach. i got myself a wallet chain that ive wanted 4 a while and a super cute my chem shirt !! oh and we listened to yukika and loona on the drive courtesy of me ofc. i bought her an nct shirt bc tshirts were buy1 get1 50% and i figured yknow y not but omfg it was still so expensive. just those 3 things. Ouch .and then we went to some fast fashion forever 21 carbon copy store and i felt weird bc i didnt like a single thing in there and if i did I've been really trying not to buy cheapo fast fashion anymore... however she (k1) INSISTED on getting me this checkerboard bodycon long sleeve shirt bc she saw me eyeing it and thought it would suit me. and she was right...! i got home and tried it and i was so in love & even though I feel bad that she spent money on me it made me so happy that she would be so nice >_< eek

she spent a lottt at that store... and btw its so hard shopping w normies LITERALLY SO HARD bc i dont know?! if these things are cute or not?! it like YEAH ITS A SHIRT I GUESS... YEAH ITS A JACKET... IDK WHAT IM S'POSTA B LOOKING AT HERE but i really tried my hardest i really did. and shes so pretty too its literally unreal. looks good in anything. if i had a normie gf i would slowly indoctrinate her into alt fashion w my master skills of flattery and persuasion and bc no way would i let her walk around dressed unremarkably. and then um yeah i think that was it on the way back we got dunkin donuts, i paid ofc bc im a sucker, and stopped by my work to say hi and they were rude as hell like bro we just wanted 2 say hi -___- oh my god i have 5 hours til i gotta wake up eek well anyways b4 she dropped us off k2 decided it would be funny to prank call a few ppl and it was so secondhand embarrassing but ykw it was funny. as hell. and that was the end and I'll update later abt my afternoon with sydney tmrw bc this post is already long as hale and i need ta go 2 sleep ok gud bai !

#long post #diaen

[theabandonedfeelings-blog]

The Infinites

Being a part of this instant family (to me) is one of the most precious thing that ever happened to me. Imo, to meet them was the best thing I experienced in my 2017. We consisted of  8 people. We may look normal, but actually we are real dorks.We have different characters and personality, ofcourse. But fortunately we blended and matched each other so well. I was always so quite and preserve whenever Im with new people, but with them, it is indeed, an exceptional. Being an introvert didnt even help me, but they did, help me. KKN era forced me to adapt faster than I usually did, because we only had 45 days, right? I wasnt even familiar with the idea of 'living with some strangers and doing things together with some strangers'. It was my biggest nightmare to live with people other than family. But KKN really changed the way I perceived something.

There were times when I just wanted to be alone. Whenever Im in my solitary moment, one of them would came up to me, asked, "What are you doing here all alone? Can i join?". Thats why I never been alone while at KKN bcs they always nongol one by one and joined my dont-disturb-me-i-want-to-be-alone-for-a-while corner. Whatevs I did and whenever i went, they could always find me. And somehow I felt thankful for that. That was how they invaded my personal spaces, and made me realize that no matter how introvert you are, you will find comforts if you are being surrounded by the right people.

We named our self The Infinite Team. We had a deep philosophy meaning behind that name. Our group consists of 8 people, eight means infinite. By 'infinite' we hoped that our spirit will be infinity to face infinity problematics that we had when KKN. Sounded cheesy, we knew. But we strived to meet the expectations. We hoped we exceed people expectation by carrying that name. Yea, that name meant alot for us. Others group would consisted of 9 or 10, but since we were only 8 we received less amount of money from uni. It didnt bother us that much. But, our concern was the amount of people we had. We were 2x more tired bcs we lacked of people, compared to others. We used to have double job, cover each other position while finishing our own jobdesk. The plus is : our posko was actually a small house with 3 rooms. By having 8 members we could save space and EVEN WATER (oh god thankyou). We didnt have to queue for too long to take a bath or shalat. We divided the household chores fairly, ex doing dishes (2 people in each meal time), doing laundry (2-4 people in a day), house cleaning, and cooking. We usually did the turn by playing some games. Tho its childish but we found it fun. We used to play UNO every night. Or when we got bored of UNO we switched to other card games, like bohong, werewolf, speed, obat nyamuk, and etc. We used to arrange our schedule every ba'da isya by writing some to do lists in the whiteboard. After Maghrib,I turned the TV and I got scolded alot bcs i always watched naruto. Its not because they dislike naruto, but it was bcs that Naruto eps was being replayed over and over again that they fed up with it. But they still watched it anyway lol, I know you guys would still like it, stop complaining.

Every Saturday noon, we sat together to watch master chef and ninja warrior (our life saver). In Sunday morning we spent some times by having breakfast and watching Doraemon. Every once in a week we went out to eat at some random warung by using 'uang kehidupan'. We would get 'scholarship' to eat gratisan from that uang kehidupan. Yeah we had this habit to give nicknames in every thing. We called a bunch of snacks with 'uang rakyat' bcs we bought it with money from uni. We named our family room with 'ohana room' bcs Ohana means family. We named our flashlights 'Sumber kehidupan' bcs idk?. We named one of our room the 'before after room' bcs we used it to do make up. We had a room called 'logistics room' bcs thats where we keep our logistics. We named a guling as 'Oji's boyfriend' bcs thats how jones she were. We gave a nickname to a middle schooler as 'elsa' because his hands were always cold. And oh, we even gave name to our lovely live safer, 3 motors that we brought along from solo. They are ABut, plat K, and dolphino. We also had 2 cats, named Mendes and Alex. And these are the infinites :

1. Amel

Amel is that person who was in charge of cooking. She liked to take a nap at 13.00 and woke up at 14.30 straightly. She went to sleep early than any other people. She is actually a year older than the rest of us but she is the most innocent. One day she copied Dimma's pick up line, "WTF", thinking it means "astaga" in bahasa indo. She used that word for a week straight until we told her the actual meaning of that phrase. Her favorite activity consisted of taking photos and selfie, and update them on socmeds. She is the softest from all of us tho. She was also in charge of some updates in our instagram. She always got the most numerous bullies but she always nevermind. She could always laughed even for some lame jokes. She likes Spongebob, even she laughed like spongebob. She always lost whenever she plays game. But she tried hard in every Zombie vs Plants game and even counter strikes. One day, i saw her cry in the backyard but i didnt approach her bcs i thought whenever someone's crying I want to give them their space. I thought I would asked her whe she's feeling better, but dammit I forgot, like at all. Im sorry mel, i love you.

2. Ayub

Ayub is our Koordinator Desa or Kordes. He is practically our leader. But he somehow didnt act like a leader. He is the laziest person in this team. We picked him only because his home is in Pati, the Kabupaten we lived in. Ayub is the most narsis person i have ever known. His personality in 16personalities proved that he had the most common personality (16% of the amount of population in the world). He is the antithesis of my personality. He is so extrovert and comfortable to share his thing. He was always plays music using speaker every morning. At first we didnt bother with it, but slowly it annoyed us because his playlist was so damn lame. I knew he was always a dork but, come on, who would download covered songs with clapping sounds in the background. You can just download the actual song instead, Yub, smh. We used to hid that damn speaker to prevent Ayub for playing his music in the early morning. They gave the speaker to me and hoped that I would play better playlists, but I dissapointed them right after bcs i only had 4 songs, and it was all Taylor swift songs. But aside from his weird music taste, he is good at cooking. His level is far higher than mine. He likes to learn new things like the cup song, english, UNO, and even being doctor (we had 2 medical students). He likes to play badminton and always criticized at how I play. He was also dumb at times. But overall, he is a good person.

3. Azis

Azis whose name is everywhere is the most receh person. His jokes were always so lame that sometimes it could make us mad at him. We had to pretend that we didnt hear him joking in order to stop his lame jokes. Aside from that, he is a hardworking person. He is in charge of being the most religious person but somehow he had the dirtiest mind among us. He once said to me that in his campus life, he's known as quiet and preserve type which is the vice versa of the personality he had in KKN. He always had me to do chores and force me to buy things like flour, egg, and etc. His motor is Dolphino. He is the one who always complain at everything. And always saying things that triggered us but ended it like, 'Guys why would you do something stupid like this, CAN I JOIN'. He is dork af but in front of childrens he always in serious mode activated. His works often being underapreciate but he never failed us, always treated us good. He was like our human-reminder. He remind us time to time for some small details. "Guys dont forget that tmrw we still have 100 things to do, lets sleep before its too late". Or. "Guys, did you remember what pak kades said about xxxxx?". Or. "Dont forget to buy this and that." Thankyou for your concern, zis. Just knew that we were bunch of forgetful people, without him, we'd be lost.

4. Bela

Bela was the only one who constantly doing her puasa senin-kamis while KKN. Thats why we gave her exception by ousting her from doing dishes. She might be the most sensitive person among us, but she was also caring and considerate. She is younger than me, but she's all matured. She was the alternate kordes whenever Ayub's not in good mood to talk. She had alotta secret admirers, from children to abang penjual pentol istimewa. She is good with elder people. We can talk about almost everything. Tho she spent the most of time doing make up, she's actually not that girly. She was my partner in magang, doing laundry, and dishes. She was my life saver whenever im lazy driving the motor. Her motor named ABut, and it was my fave.

5. Dimma

Dimma whose name is soooo long is the one who took his most KKN time by annoying others with his childish behaviour. Indeed he is the youngest of our team. He is lowkey soft and caring. He onced renewed ABut's oli, he brought us food even without us asking, he made sure that everyone got their rights. He's just our precious youngest. He's good at fixing electronical problems. He was my partner in everyday's life. He took me round the village and helped me filmed using dslr. He gave me input and critics abt my editing. He was my partner on doing dishes. He laughed with me tho its past midnight while we did our own works and the others were mad at us bcs they were sleeping. He was the one who accompanied me stargazing in teras. One day we had to begadang because it was almost deadline and we havent finished our works. He was doing his presentations and I was busy doing the after movie. We were working quitely on our own works bcs we didnt want to disturb the others bcs our sounds. At 01.00 am we got tired and i asked him random things but we ended up having a serious deep talk about life. He was the one who made fun of my name by calling me Karizzza. It annoyed me at first, but I was sorta get used with my name being made fun of. I once told them that my name is meaningless (i didnt mean to say like that, it was because im mad). But in the end, at his letter he told me this, "The name in which you think is meaningless actually have a great meaning, it is a hope and prayer from your parents. It defines how strong you were and what you will be in the future. Dont hate your name okay." And that was everyone, the first time he ever called me Karizsa.

6. Iim

I cannot find proper words to describe how grateful i am to be in the same team with her. She is, as everybody knows, my bestfriend in campus. We are in the same class and even in the same queer. She is so critical, open minded, respectful, thoughtful, and reliable + dependable. She is full package. She always ordered to be MC in everty formal event. She ate the most than the rest of us, but she didnt gain weight. She's known for her smol and short figure and always busy with her phone. She had her most time by catching up news and watching GOT spoiler on yutub. We had the same obsession with Blackpink's song As if it your last. We came from the same faculty, so our way of thinking were more in political way. Thats why sometimes our opinions were divided between them and me & iim. At the end, we'd find a way, we got this. Me and her, We spoiled each other alot bcs weve known for sooo long. We cursed at each other in everyday life bcs thats just how bestfriend works. That bij, i love her.

7. Oji

I think my team didnt deserve Oji. She is the kindest, the most humble and easy going among us. Tho she didnt understand javanese, she always takes her time by learning javanese phrases, even made effort by writing it in books so she can memorize later. She brought half of her stuffs to posko. She brought along her car which takes 4 hours long from solo. She is strong independent woman, even she rode a pickup car that none of boys cannot ride. She is true gamer and half eater. She always tell stories abt her family and her campus life. Her family is somehow looked like bunch of gag (based on her story). She got calls from her family time to time. She was my dumb & dumber partner. Oji is a lil bit crybaby tho. She cried the most while KKN. She is a medical student, but her acts didnt say so. Hahahaha. One day, he told us this : "Do u know what make me grateful to be in this team? Thats because you never say that phrase." "What phrase?", Asked us. " 'Im embarassed being your friend' ". We felt so soft. And thats it. I enjoyed being with them. Tbh it was the best 45 days I've spent in my entire life so far. Well spent. It was such an unforgettable story to live with these seven dorks. Even after our KKN life ended, im still bragging to my other friends about them. They did the same too. I learnt a lot from them. Thanks guys for making my KKN life better than it should be. I guess ‘thankyou’ is just an understatement word to describe how grateful I am to have them.

I should've disappointed bcs i didnt get to KKN in my own kabupaten. But instead, God came with a better plan. When i shared abt KKN life with my campus friends, they mostly complained about how bad their teamwork or any conflicts happened within their team. But thanks God, i've never experienced that, at all. We were so lucky to have each other. At the last day, we wrote a letter to each other. One of it said, "Im so thankful to be in the same team with these strong people".p>

And yeah, we all were thankful for having each other, dont we?

Let’s meet again now and in the future, guys.

[mbrl]

a giant update!

 posted first here bc yolo

roadmap-

the stuff i bought from forever 21 today c:

other stuff i did today!

closing the chapter to january (the worst month i’ve had to deal with for awhile?)

things i look forward to in the future: march, april, may, summer.

oh my god i got really cute things from forever 21!! finally ordered a white/light grey windbreaker with swordfish pattern all over it for $20. also got white dolphin shorts (like dolphin style, not literal dolphins) with rainbow stripes on the side. and a dark-ish pink/blush off the shoulder dress with ties on the arm.. it’s kind of weird but was on sale for valentines day & idk how off the shoulder styles look on me... we’ll see ig! it’s really cute and flowy. and another dress, but maroon and long sleeve and floral, kind of in a baby doll fit. it’s lowkey mockneck so the reviews are like help i can’t fit my head through but .. hopefully it fits! there’s some really small lace parts on the sleeve :). and a white flowy vneck top with a bunch of pink flowers on it and a tie in the front. bell-ish sleeves with lace on the upper shoulders and parts of the back! oo and a light weight grey hoodie with kinda cheesy but still cool cool-toned floral embroidery on the hood. it’s p unique but the quality probably sucks and isn’t soft. lastly a peach mid-maxi skirt that has some sheer parts for the bottom half!! it’s like those ballet rehearsal skirts style. 

okay clearly i really like dresses and i think i’m going to start wearing more pink/color because i’m totally over winter in general and how drab that season is. honestly just light warm colors that kind of are reminiscent of furniture fabric/granny aesthetic is totally my vibe. like i want to look like i don’t give a fuck, but not in an emo way but more in a.... idk. i actually don’t know how to explicate my vibe but its like laid back and californian and whatever. hypebeast/grandma/passionate napper/hiker/couch appearance :) also i’m really happy to just sorta word dump and get my thoughts out again because they’re finally good vibes and i feel super excited to share it with my ... laptop screen & whoever’s reading! like getting outta funks is so nice and lowkey reminiscent of a few months ago when i finally got over this stupid boy

anyway okay. today i woke up at 9-10ish because i slept at 3am yesterday :( i felt really weird (ig you can describe as anxious) because of something i did, and i tried to do that thing where i imagined trump spouting all the self hate/angsty vibes i was telling myself, but i didn’t really purge the angst all that much. also i had taken a nap after school + drank boba the day before... (and 2 days before then i slept at 2 bc i had half a cup of green tea in the evening...) also i got angry at myself that i couldn’t sleep because it’s just annoying. it’s 12 am right now and i didn’t take any naps today but i’ll definitely be content & ready to sleep after i right this. so after i woke up, i spent like a few hours cleaning out my room-- i fixed the organization of my desk drawers so it could be more efficient and less cluttered. also the night before when i couldn’t sleep, i hung up all my clothes so that was nice. then in the early afternoon, i finished math hw (literally had 2 problems left, one of which i didn’t know how to do....) and did some japan bowl studying! i also started chatting hella people to ask for interest regarding a possible speaker event that intersections (my social justice club) is hosting... it’s about asian american health disparities, so i got 9 total clubs interested??? now i gotta email the presenter to update them but i’ll do that tomorrow. then from 3-5pm i had a really fun japan bowl meeting that was super untoxic and just productive. this year we have less frequent meetings, but i think we spend the biweekly meetings with... healthier vibes. it’s a lot more fun, and honestly no amount of shame expedites self-studying better than just having a safe and nice environment. we did some practice rounds & i knew the answers to some questions!!! it was fun. i’ll definitely be studying more ahahah this week’s meeting was kind of a throw away but it was good bonding? we also did reading practice.

then i went on tumblr/online shopped/youtubed for 2 hours or smtg..then finished bio hw (3 sections of notes!!!!) while watching gaming streams after eating dinner. then chilled and took a shower, went on tumblr some more, and here i am now! i feel like i didn’t do much but whatever. it’s okay to be leisurely and like.. i just have a worksheet for aplac and a few emails to write tmrw, and i guess that’s it? chill weekend.

okay queue the giant cbt paragraphs:

january was a giant mess mainly because of tasp application... it’s hard for me to take the experiences that i know are invaluable in building my character, and trying to relay that in a effective, understandable way. it made me feel secure because it was almost like i was selling myself/commodifying my experiences, but i was doing it in the course of a 3-4 weeks. it was annoying when i got the diction and syntax just how i wanted it, only for my editor to be like no this is weird. it’s weird to have someone who doesn’t know you try to word your experiences and push you into a template. thank god said editor actually got fired and isn’t my college counselor-- now i have this really tall and goofy friendly white guy (who majored in sociology so you can imagine he’s not the typical yt).

another thing was just friend stuff, but not in a way that points a finger specifically to anyone, it’s just... junior year will literally suck the life out of people and push them to extremes. for me, when i needed support from my friends, it’s not like i could receive it-- partly this is just normal though because normally i don’t confide in them anyway because my life is pretty easy anyway. most of the time/100% of the time i’m initiating the how-are-you type thing and listening to rants and giving advice or playing devil’s advocate or trying to empathize and validate. and when i needed someone to do that for me, i didn’t know how to ask for it? and my friends wouldn’t have the capacity to care for me bc i don’t think they actually know the background of my problems that well. i mean only i really know that and that’s fine bc it’s not really practical for other people to take the time to (1) understand and, (2) care... also it’s not worth it to me to expend the emotional labor explaining to someone. so this really isn’t to sound self sacrificing, it’s just that i consciously don’t expect my friends to be my therapist, but since i have amateur skills & pretty decent emotional intelligence, i’m glad to take that role for my friends. this just blows up in my face every once in awhile when my own problems resurface or smtg and i just turn inward and whatever. thank god it’s over!!! that was basically my january.

someone i kinda know also had something really egregious happen to them. and i can’t talk about it bc i’m making this post public bc i want a record of this on my studyblr blog. anyway i was alone in helping this person with the egregious thing because it’s not the kind of thing i can share (it’s not my story) and also sharing the information can force people to do things that ... wouldn’t be favorable. the stress from that time made me really upset for a few days and i was so angry that the egregious thing even happened, and i’m definitely not the person to get angry.

also had to get my physical for track from this gross pervert of a doctor who uses a stethoscope to touch breasts :\ and i felt really disgusting and gross and it happened and just yuck so cringe ijaijsf don’t wnat to talk about it

ugh okay another thing that i recently came to realize is that fat is really underrated in attractiveness because flab plausibly makes for super comfortable cuddling? basically other than in the context of a fatphobic society (and this isn’t to thin shame), there’s nothing definitively more beautiful about sharp angles or hard muscles compared to soft curves? someone i sit next to in a class wears hoodies and sweatpants almost everyday and they just look like a pillow/perfect big spoon. okay but at the same time food angst and body image stuff is lowkey resurfacing, but in a really lowkey way against myself :(. part of the reason why i got angry last night at myself was because i didn’t like how i drank boba at such a late time, and how i was basically on a sugar high at 2am. so i’m trying to limit my processed food intake as a means of control. i’m pretty safe from relapsing into fullblown AN but a lot of shame associated with certain foods is still there. also i still dislike my thighs and back flab and i didn’t run hard enough to be ready for track and i feel really out of shape :(

a few days ago i went volunteering and was utterly exhausted and not in the mood of being understanding. i don’t think i was being impatient, but i was being more curt than usual when working with somebody. i was really annoyed and dwelling on my irritation and letting it consume me. on the car ride home, i was thinking through all the reasons why i could be so pissy, so i had to think through all this angst and grossness in january. i was always hoping that i was just pmsing when i was feeling especially down during that month, but i think the stress made me skip that month :\ so idk where my period or pms went but goddamn ig i was just especially moody that month if hormones can’t explain it lol

during january, intersections was passed and that was such a big victory. but i didn’t really care about it. i honestly didn’t even want to do anything for it or hope that i’d go well. part of insecurity for me is that i doubt myself so much (sUBCONSCIOUSLY, which is especially annoying bc idk what i actually feel half the time) that i get frustrated easily.

but the stress of the summer app and distancing myself from the stressful things has allowed me to recover, and i’m really happy and my normal self (which i’m really happy about!!!) i’ve literally been writing for 40 min so i’m going to start doing lists for the remaining stuff i said i’d write about

things i look forward to!

feb: planning for intersections, week of break = cramming for jbowl, light school work load

march: starting my club, leadership conference i’m part of, almost time for jbowl

april: jbowl!, spring break, api healthcare disparities presentation?

may: giant speaker event with an alumnus possibly?

summer: lead a free program for low income students around where i live? there’s a lotta red tape and logistics that come with this one though... will be thinking about it for a long time.

okay i’m sleepy bye

#junior