#part of me wonders if its a cringe culture thing?? like they dont want people to think theyre a fan of actual sonic media | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theropoda · 2 years

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dont usually post personal shit on tumblr bc i am cringe but in this case i suppose i seek out not to just get things off my chest but also feedback... on some level

anyways. girl am i disabled

i feel like the more i learn about disability and myself the more i feel like the two are similar. hearing abt disabled ppl, esp ppl who are disabled not bc of physical health problems but because of neurodevelopmental disorders (I mean. there comes a point where the line between the two is quite blurred but) and learning more about my disorder(s)'s affect on my life (which ive kind of been repressing/ignoring/underestimating my whole life) is making me realize Things.

like oh god. yes my disorders do affect my ability to live a normal life and execute everyday tasks. yes it does make me wonder if me ever getting a job is possible bc it does limit my ability to go outside of my house. ive been wanting to go outside for the past week or so, just anywhere.. ma store or a park but i cant. its too hard and painful man. there's far too many things considered "normal", considered an essential part of a healthy Normal life that's just not easy for me to do.

and of course im being vague about it all considering it's been a big source of shame and im not sure it'll ever change and im certainly not changing the way in which i talk about it in public (Very, Very Vaguely and Secretively) (although i suppose it's possible to put two and two together and accurately guess what it is im even talking about)

even if in the end i find the answer to my question and the answer is im not disabled, just. Very Mentally ill. i suppose it is a net benefit to even ask the question in the first place because it's helping me realise something that ive spent too much time ignoring. spent too much of my life going through a Really no good, very bad childhood that i promptly swept under the rug as "not the best :/" instead of recognizing it as the genuinely awful thing it was. im sure there's a number of factors as to why i never actually accepted how bad i had it and why i kept lying to myself and saying "oh im actually pretty okay as a person No problems at all :) ", far too many to list but im sure my parents, my cultures view on mental illness and spending my youth on this stupid website during its " gate keeping who gets to use the word traumatized and mentally ill to describe themselves" era sure didn't help

Like its about time i stop lying to myself about me having it "better that most people", about time i look back on when i was a kid and recognize that that shit wasn't normal and no one should've gone through that, even if it was a very specific experience that ive almost never heard of anyone else suffering from. the only time i read about someone experiencing what i did was when i read a book on the topic and that made me cry because only when i saw it through a second person perspective did i realize how Not Good it all was.

Anyways. i saw a bird today and it had a little lizard wriggling in its mouth So awesome

#talking

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oloreaa · 3 years

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2020 WRAP UP!

Okay here we are!! Hopefully I have not missed anyone because I truly dont mean to "snub" anyone, so here is a list of people who I feel very thankful for knowing this year, where I started out on tumblr, you have been truly bright presences and I love you very very much.

First off here are some people I don't know very well (or at all, but I admire their work) but I think have excellent vibes and I would love to get to know better/let them know that I appreciate them very very much:

@maxlordd @ollypopp @opheliaelysia @honeymandos @concussed-to-pieces @pikemoreno @huliabitch @mitchi-c @hansoulo @browneyes-djarin @cinewhore @max--phillips @din-damn-djarin @ezrasarm @dishonouringmycow @keeper0fthestars @dadolorian @dindjarindiaries @cobbvader @leo-moon @justrunamok @frannyzooey @miranhas-art @keethus-arts @hdlynn @zeldasayer @qveenbvtch @softpedropascal @marvel-and-mischief @datmando @stubbychaos @di-kut @themangolorian @vercopaanir @mcfreakin-bxtch

and so, so many more that I cannot think of right now (and tumblr doesnt let me tag more than 50 people)

And for those I know a bit better, under the cut❤:

@binggrae-banana-milk : You're the first person I really talked to on tumblr, and I cherish every single one of our interactions so much. The one time where we had watched Revenge of the Sith together and had a full on BLAST, it was incredibly fun and every time we just kind of scream at each other in dms it's so funny, how we both are freaking out simultaneously!! Also before you I never really keysmashed and now it's a part of my vocabulary lmao, ily!!!

@mndalorians : Cass. Oh, my dear Cass. Listen, you have brightened up my year by SO MUCH. I don't even want to know how many tens of thousands of words our chat consists of dhdhdh, from discovering cultural differences with each other, to yelling about the same stuff, to planning fics and telling each other of our ideas. We share a brain cell and we are literally the embodiment of Zwei Dumme, ein Gedanke. If I'm glad for anything in this year, it's starting to talk to you. You're literally one of my closest friends and I never hesitate in hitting you up, from absolute crack to heartbreak, you have the range, darling. I love you so much, you don't even know❤

@agirllovespancakes : Iris baby, oh my god. I don't even know where to start. The way how we just started talking without even KNOWING how we started talking is the funniest thing, EVER. This friendship came out of fucking NOWHERE and I am so glad for this. I can always count of you to stand by my side in so many things, and you're the other chaotic one in Tender Roasting, I adore you. The way we just go "kskssksks" and "dhddhdhdhd" at each other for literally hours because we are just losing it over each other is amazing. Ich hab dich so lieb!!!

@adikaofmandalore : Holy shit, Adi, the only thing I can think of now is that you literally deserve everything good and sweet in this world. You're one of the kindest souls on here, and I've never met anyone who is as sweet as you. I don't even know how you are real. Everytime we talk I'm literally smiling so bright, your enthusiasm for Ven is unparalleled and the way we just go bonkers at each other with ideas?? You're so supportive?? And your razor sharp wit and sarcasm is AMAZING to witness in action. Your writing is incredible and incredibly underrated and your stubbornness is admirable. You manage to power though Everything and that's so impressive. I love you very much!!!

@teaofpeach : lee babe DAMN I've never met anyone who is as funny as you. Like whenever we are talking it's just, it ends with me cackling and having the biggest smile on my face because you made me laugh so much. Such a bright presence on my dash and your TAGS are always sending me. So witty and smart and your vocabulary is unparalleled. Filthy hoe but I love you for it. You taught me so much tumblr lingo just by texting me and I always feel Educated afterwards dhdhdhd I love you so much and I trust you with every single one of my attempts at Spiciness

@mandolovian : DEV BABY my love from tomorrow🥺🥺 the time difference of HELL had never stopped us from being hoe af in the dms lmao, I vividly remember one of our first convos spiralling into thots SO FUCKING FAST that was the funniest shit ever. It's always fascinating to see what you do on the other side of the planet and I admire you so much. Like, you TRULY have big brain. How do you remember so much??? Like all these conditions and facts and like WOAH I just feel like a plankton next to you💀💀💀💀 ily SO MUCH

@goldafterglow : iris babe omg okay first of all you're the prettiest bitch I've ever seen, such a nice presence overall, you have GALAXY BRAIN, your writing style is so smooth and full of descriptions that are so amazing to read, like its. Amazing. You have unfortunately witnessed several times where I typed faster than my brain would proceed and I ended up saying the DUMBEST shit and you make fun of me because of it. Like bro I dont even mind bc any interaction with you is worth it🥺🥺🥺🥺

@chibi-liz05 : Liz oh my gosh I just love you so much. We don't talk as frequently anymore but you just have a place in my heart, you're incredibly supportive of everything and you're always there for me, no matter for what, offering thoughts and conversation about everything. You're such an absolute sweetheart and a sunshine person and I just adore your positive attitude and the way you talk, you're literally the sweetest. I love you very very much and consider this me giving you the biggest forehead kiss

@pisss-offf-ghostt : you're one of the first ones who read my fics when I first started out, and your continued support for everything I write is absolutely AMAZING. Like I enjoy every single one of our conversations and discussions, and I feel completely safe to hit you up for anything, no matter what. You're an incredibly kind and hardworking person and your heart is just so big, I cannot even comprehend it. It's amazing how much you care, how you interact with people on here, and I care for you SO MUCH. Love you🥺❤❤

@maybege : you're literally the KINDEST PERSON around?? And we are weirdly connected through cosmic forces whenever it has something to do about Lebkuchenherzen lmao, its uncanny. We have started out in fics in such a similar way it still makes me chuckle, like we experienced the same amount of cringe lmaooo, and now you're just here, blessing us every day with your amazing content, being the most organised person I know, and just an absolute SWEETHEART. everytime we write I have such a big smile on my face, and you BET we would have found each other irl if it wasnt for Corona🤡🤡

@kiwi-the-first : oh kiwi you're such a nice and thoughtful person, whenever I feel down youre the first one to send asks and nice messages and cute photos to make me smile and that is absolutely adorable of you🥺🥺 you're such a vocal and passionate character and its absolutely amazing to see you in action, how you go all caps screaming in the dms. You have a special part in my heart and its just so nice to be able to talk to you

@corvueros : MEG we are literally sharing one (1) brain cell and they are oscillating between "horny", "yelling at each other in all caps" and "oh my god that's such a good idea" 💀💀💀 whenever we talk I have the biggest smile on my face and I absolutely ADORE you, you're the absolute best. Such a sweet and thoughtful and excited person who can spew the filthiest thots in a manner of 0.1 seconds. You're such a bright person and I could not imagine not being able to talk to you bc you're so supportive and just the literal BEST, I LOVE YOU BITCH, I AM NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU, BITCH

@blacksquadron-rougetwo : okay Hailee you have absolutely excellent vibes. Like you're always so bright and sunshiny and just so damn fucking gorgeous I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU. Filthy and tender at the same time, the QUEEN of soft horny fics like woah, and the way you talk is just so wonderful to witness. Your reaction pics are always on point and no matter what the topic is our convos always end up in all caps screaming at each other how unfairly hot the character of the week is lmao. You're such a sweet being and I am grateful for you!!

@over300books : holy shit Estela I have not known you well for a long time but you're such an incredibly supportive person with the funniest of commentary, everything you write makes me smile, ESPECIALLY all those comments in the docs!! I completely trust you with all the writings I manage to finish and everytime you help me with it you make me see my work with new eyes. You're just so damn amazing and sweet and super cheery I just love you so much. I am so grateful that we are friends and I am SO PROUD of you for finishing your degree!! Like girl WHOOOO!!!

@anxiety-riddled-mando : listen not only are you an absolutely fantastic writer, you're such an amazing person and someone who just screams "safe" at me. Like I completely trust you with my thoughts and even if we are not talking directly very often (our communication is more reblogging and telling each other in the tags how much we love them lmao) I just absolutely adore you and I just am so incredibly thankful that we stumbled across each other!!! You're such a bright presence on tumblr and every single one of your works is so incredibly amazing!!

Aaaand that's a wrap!! Thank you so much for making my year brighter, I love every single one of you so so so so so much. Happy new years!!

Love, Rea

#new years wrap up #oloreaa talks #i love u very very much #❤❤❤❤❤

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littlebabycrybtch · 3 years

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internet pleading session number 2 billion;;; for the love of god stop allowing ableism. stop leaving disability and mental illness allyship out of your activism. im dealing with this shit EVERY SINGLE day and so much of it is just inexcusable laziness and selfishness on the part of ignorant self proclaimed activists like. holy shit it is getting so. Unbearably fucking bad. i dont understand how ppl in modern day are letting it get this bad. its never been Good obviously but its like,,, we were being included in activism topics for a while and gaining a lot of traction with everybody else when all of a sudden smth happened (cringe culture) ((aka the normalization of validating whiny unnecessary judgments)) and we got totally left behind and ppl even turned on us. wtf like?? whats wrong with us when was there a meeting where yall unanimously decided we’re being kicked out of the ‘caring abt this groups Oppression’ board like. a lot of yall CONTRIBUTE TO IT? what right do you feel you have to act this way to us?????? holy shit stop abandoning us please im begging this shit is too hard to deal with like stop idk what on gods green fucking earth we are actually doing to you to make yall turn on us like htis and leave us and our oppression at Your Hands completely out of your mind but im tired of the utter disrespect and disregard for what i deal with. i fucking hate it here like jkshdfjksdf yall its hell enough to just Be autistic and/or psychotic .... its almost unfathomably cruel to just. be SO hateful abt that and not give a shit. idc if its weird or makes you uncomfortable bitch ur grown get over it!! im the one dealing with it firsthand!!!! ive had too many crying meltdowns asking why i was ‘made like this’, wondering what kind of punishment im going through to be put somewhere i literally am not meant to be, where every part of how i work is different than most other people, where im told to exist where nothing exists for me and no one will care, just to have everybody talking about ‘progress’ while they let ableism run literally RAMPANT with people saying the r word and making memes out of our severe psychological distress and trauma.

idc what anybody says about that stupid ass faux offense ‘you cant compare oppressions’ topic anymore bc tbh i NEED YOU , im begging bc i NEED YOU TO HELP ME AND SUPPORT ME for gods sake, and i dont really KNOW how to DO that anymore so like. yes im ‘comparing’ ableism to other shit yall care about, and asking outright why you Presume you get to think we’re different. why our history of forced lifelong imprisonment in asylums, our eugenics and experimentation, our still modern day medical abuse, parental abuse, and social abuse, is Different and Does Not Have To Matter Just Bc You Dont Want It To. if you can call people out for saying other slurs you can call out the r slur! you literally are showing you have the capabilities to do this, but just dont care abt us specifically!! that's FUCKED and you should know it!! if you openly fight back against disrespect towards the minorities you respect, but laugh at or even are part of the people mocking the cringe nd people, you are a self serving piece of shit!! we deserve respect. we deserve basic human respect no matter what, and we deserve more considering how much blood yall allistics and non psychotics have on your hands. i mean for gods sake how is that ignored, how does our shit mean absolutely Nothing to you!!! its one thing to have to deal with it, to be blatantly shown OVER and OVER again how LITTLE people can care, how they cant even BRING themselves to TOLERATE caring... thats whats so damaging. thats the real shit that makes me wish i wasnt me or wasnt here, bc god... i KNOW i cant even SAY smth like that, like ‘i wanna die’ without someone out there reading fighting back a giggle. without expecting an insult. cuz im an embarassing fucking r*tard whos display of feelings is just fucking weird and uncomfortable for people. im a stupid weird ass different ass bitch and no one feels they should have to care abt anything im going through bc im not easy to vibe with. and especially when my pleas for respect are like This, long and ranty and ~irrational~. bro. i try. how. the fuck am i supposed to Stay rational. im being Tormented day in and day out, and left to my own devices by ppl i thought would stay by my side. i feel like im losing my mind dealing with this alone......... so my question is, to all the ppl who call themselves a decent person. where are you hiding from this topic. where on earth ARE you guys lmao fuck

#long post

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stranger-stim · 6 years

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I love your original stim gifs. They help me realise how much of what I do in my day to day life is stimming, and help me become less ashamed of it. I think you've said before that you have trained yourself (maybe not the best word choice but I can't think of a better one) to stim more freely and stop repressing stims, and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to share how you did that?

hi anon! sorry this is later than i said it would be, i bought minecraft and then suddenly like 3 days disappeared… this is going to be a little rambly as ive not gotten more than 6 hours of sleep a night in the last two weeks i believe.

this got EXTREMELY long, so im gonna put it under a readmore:

first, im glad my gifs can help you feel more comfortable, thats a huge reason i make gifs and put them up! when i was first realizing i might be autistic, following people who posted stimming gifs made a huge difference in my self acceptance. (@elzear-stims was the first person i followed for autistic stuff, elz is less active on here now but elz has a lot of stimming gifs up still!).

recognizing things i do as healthy and autistic self-expression, beyond not feeling bad about it, also helps me be more intentional about doing what i need to take care of my brain and body. for example, i have a tendency to pull at hangnails when im stressed, especially when i have to talk to professors or things like that, and have made myself bleed lots of times before. now that i know why i do that (as a grounding stim, because im distressed), its a lot easier to redirect and remember to use one of the many stim toys i always have in my pocket.

second, training myself to not suppress my stims has been a process, and there are still times when i have to act nt because of school or lab. i dont have a foolproof method or anything, but here are some things that have helped me:

1) follow autistic people, and/or the stim freely tag, to help your brain normalize stimming as good and healthy. imo, knowing stimming is healthy on an intellectual level is different from changing your brains initial reaction. we live in a really ableist society, especially in a lot of parts of the internet with “cringe culture” etc. especially if you’ve been bullied or gotten in trouble with authority figures for stimming, its easy to have your first response to seeing someone stim be embarassment or the feeling that its wrong/incorrect. seeking out more content of people stimming can help convince your brain that its healthy and good, and changing that first response will transfer over to how you see your own stims too.

2) get some stim toys! doesn’t have to be anything expensive or fancy; some of my favorite stim toys are smooth rocks, beads on a string, soft fabric, and those spring/coil bracelets for keys etc. keep them with you in pockets or on a belt loop or something, and you can use them to stim during times you cant body stim. for me at least, Always having something to stim with made my brain want to stim more? since the norm is stimming, not suppressing stims.

2b) at this point for me, stim toys are something i primarily use when im somewhere i have to look nt (class, lab) or when im super overwhelmed and need to chill out post-meltdown (glitter jars and soft things and ear defenders are my go-to for those times). the rest of the time i default to body stims, which at this point are more natural to me. that doesn’t have to be true for you at all tho!

3) pay attention to things you do and a) notice the situation youre in and b) do them more and see how you feel! for example, ive always needed to have my legs crossed all the way (like with the foot hooked back around my calf?) to focus during tests; ive known this for a long time about myself but only knew Why recently; its a pressure stim! i also sit crosslegged All The Time. now i know why i do that (it helps me focus and stay grounded bc im autistic and its a pressure stim) and i can do it intentionally and also not try to sit “normally” because i Know now that will make me less able to pay attention.

4) have autistic friends or people you trust and can be your authentic self around! this one can be really hard, but in my experience being autistic is similar to being lgbt where the people you gravitate toward and want to be friends with usually end up being autistic or cousins (like adhd). i call people who probably arent nt “capital f Friends” actually. of my close friends, most are Friends and both my partners are autistic/adhd! this helps a lot with acceptance and also its really fun to stim with your friends and pick up their stims.

5) stim when youre walking places outside so your brain knows its allowed to stim out n about. when im walking home, i walk through a neighborhood and no one is ever out there (at this point if they are i dont care much but). so i just… let my body do whatever it wants on my walk home. which usually means raptor hands or idle flapping depending on enegy level, and bouncy/toe walking and clicky vocal stims that i try not to do the rest of the time bc they annoy people lol.

alrighty, this is probably way more detail than you wanted but there u go! feel free to ask more questions if that didnt cover what you were wondering or if you have new ones!

#asks #anonymous

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bespokejoke · 4 years

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i think i have a problem with being around brown folk. i default to assuming that they are judging me way more harshly than they probably are. esp w south asian men i’m always on high alert bc i feel like i could fuck up any second and lose all my respect and social standing just like that and end up an object of ridicule. this happened so much back home, growing up, i haven’t been able to detach this fear from south asian men but i’m trying. when i’m around larger groups/communities of indian people in the US it’s not like i think those communities shouldn’t exist? it’s great that ppl have found ways to live the way they like and foster community and persist their culture. they just always feel very insular and remind me of how scared and trapped i felt throughout my childhood and my fight or flight instincts desperately act up and make me want to get away. there’s a unique social exhaustion i feel from being around desi folks that behave very desi, esp ones that tend to agree w how society is structured in india. i guess the moment i stopped telling myself that i’d kill myself by the age of 18 and actively considered that i was going to live a longer life, i started realistically planning to get away from oppressive/abusive environments that are deeply rooted in being indian. i can’t help but feel retraumatized when i’m put in an environment full of indians again, but it often translates in the Bad Part of my mind as “you’re being racist towards your own community” and that’s rly?? not it? i want all of them to succeed and be happy, i just can’t deal w my internal demons and resurfacing trauma when i’m around them

i guess another part of it is that i’ve gotten very used to hiding who i am when i go back to india. i dont tell ppl this (or at least i dont recall talking abt this to anyone) but i cry for at least an hour every time i fly home. its not bc i dont wanna go home, i love several aspects of being home and being around the food, culture, music, people i like. but i also know that i have to actively stop myself from being me. i can’t make the same jokes i always make, i can’t openly talk about being queer or gender fluidity or <insert minority group> rights, even around the family members i know and love bc growing up i knew there’s A Way to act around them that will foster a happy relationship. i’m too scared to change bc for 21 yrs they’ve known a certain me, and i’m scared they’ll hate who i’ve become in secret. but then in the same vein, i get this weird code-switching brain fart when i’m around indian communities in the US bc i dont know how to act! they’re often very conservative in their political beliefs and v well off too, so i don’t relate to them one bit. i feel scared to act the way i do around other americans bc of my past, but i can’t fully switch to acting the way i do in india without a preparatory period (usually my flight home) and quite frankly i dont want to – its a huge setback for my emotional growth to hide who i am and pretend to be someone else

the last thing is i guess i feel like part of me feels programmed to believe that indian culture is cringe. esp ppl who make fun of bollywood but obsess over spirituality and take those two things as the only representation of india. it’s i think a big part of why i get physically uncomfortable watching bollywood movies, esp ones that are cringe. i just can’t. i feel so ashamed and it feels like “this is how ppl see me and my culture” and it hurts, it makes me feel like hiding but i know there’s no way to. it makes me want to detach more and more from things that are conventionally enjoyed abt india/south asia bc it makes me feel like i’m perpetuating a stereotype when i do enjoy them. and then there’s rly no representation of brown folks outside of that that i can look up to and feel like okay i can see myself in that instead. (i doubt anyone is reading this but if you thought of mindy kaling imma slap you). like man i dont want anyone to think SOTY or golmaal or slumdog millionaire or some shit is my culture. it makes me want to cry or scream or both. i dont even feel like sharing anything abt india or music that isn’t fun bollywood music with my friends bc of this. i dont think anyone is interested and i feel like if i wont get a response it’ll hurt even more bc it’ll prove my point. sure ppl can say that none of my friends actually think that and that’s likely true, but it’s in my head. it’s ingrained in how i act, my subconscious effort into sounding and acting less indian. i by no means want to be seen as american, but sometimes i wish i wasn’t seen as indian either. or i guess if i am seen as indian i wish i could somewhat define what that means.

i wonder if anyone else feels like this bc i have rly no friends from india in the US anymore, esp not ones who dont have their own groups of desi ppl they hang out with. i dont think i’ve ever put together a lot of these feelings before but i felt like i needed to. these feelings resurface frightfully regularly and leave me filled with so much shame and confusion

#feelings #text #desi #indian stuff #shame #this is just my weird feelings abt being from india living in the US #my weird relationship w my culture and my past #i dont want to offend anyone or say doing certain stuff is wrong #just trying to put together my feelings

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ilygsd · 6 years

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odfidk: 300418

hi im apologizing in advance to anyone who happens to read this but this is more for myself cus man i just had a huge fight with my white parents and im so frustrated that they dont understand and im so frustrated im so lonely and depressed and im so frustrated this sucks and yeah i really dont have ANYWHERE else to vent so here tumblr here u go pls u have been warned im having like an anxiety attack or smth right now so nothing will make sense anyways go away

i want to die. and i also wanna murder every single white person i see. for real i just really fucking hate white people. they literally destroy everything and i cant do this anymore. I CANT STAND BEING ISOLATED. my traumatic mental issues are preventing me from getting any friends (especially poc friends) so all i have is my stupid fucking white family and they just make me feel even worse. also my social anxiety prevents me from seeking help too because apparently you have to call these stupid psychologists and you cant just mail or text them or let a parent call them for you and calling people i dont know and talk to people i dont know is like a part of the problem i need help with?? like WHO WAS RHAT FUKING IDIOT WHO CANE UP WITH THE IDEA ”oh lets force our clients to call us in order to get help” LIKE DONT U FKN UNDERSTAND SOME OF US CANT. also most of the psychologist are probably white anyways and i really can’t handle whites anymore at all. just the thought of it makes me wanna puke. a part of me doesnt even wanna talk to a non-adoptee??? but that’s not very realistic. all i want is at least a NON-WHITE psychologist and where the fuck do i find that

i can’t talk to anyone. i don’t have a safe space anywhere except for online among other asians who hate whites. i feel like a prisoner in my own home. BITCH I CANT BREATHE 😭😭 I CANT REST 😭 WHITES ARE EVERYWJERE AND I LITERALLY HAVE TO LEEP MY MOUTH SHIT AND BOTTLE EVERYTJING UP UNTIL I EXPLODE LIKE THIS AND WANT TO DIE 😭😭 hate my white family so much i want to cut them off from my life forever. but thanks to my stupid abandonment issues and generally just mental illness and unhealthy perception of relationships i’m too scared to cut them off. i’m not strong enough to be on my own. i’m not capable of making friends. look at me im fucked up. i dont have any friends anymore cus i always manage to fuck things up and now im to tired and anxious to even try.

i also cant speak my mother tongue bc my stupid white parents let me grow up with only other whites and no exposure of my original culture or anything so THANKS TO THAT i’ll never get accepted in asia. i wont even get accepted by ”ordinary” asian immigrants or the asians born here cus at least they have their parenrs and relatives and part of the culture while i have…….. nothing. also i live in fucking sweden and even though we gor 20% poc here they’re literally nowhere to be seen cus my city is SEGREGATED AF and my awkward ass dont know how to approach other poc without being like ”HEY YO LETS BE FRIENDS ILY DONT LEAVE"

i hate myself, i hate my life, i hate my situation, i hate white people. i hate everyone. i don’t see any hope. i don’t see a positive future. and even if i did, id only see the negative shit that would happen after bc man life always disappoint me. and that shit would definitely be the death of me cus i woudnt be able to take anymore disappointments. the only thing im holding onto right now is that i’m too lazy, to tired and too scared to hurt myself.

also bc i REALLY wanna go and see bts lmaooo i didnt even know this was so important??? its not necessarily bc of them i mean i havent been into kpop for very long but then i found myself feeling this INTENSE ANXIETY THAT I NEED TO SEE THEM. it feels like its now or never. its my only chance. it feels like im gonna DIE IF IM NOT SEEING THEM. not only to see THEM but to see ASIANS. like im desperate bitches it sounds so fetishizing but for real i need POSITIVE ASIAN REPRESENTATION AND YOU COULD BASICALLY SAY BTS AND KPOP HAS SAVED MY LIFE BECAUSE GOD DAMN IT IT SOUNDS SO CHEESY BUT THEY REALLY HAVE!! not obly cus they’re asian but also cus theyre friends and i dont jave any friends so all i do is watching their friendship and dream about smth ill never have

but hey i probably wont get any tickets and tbh i can already feel that thats gonna make me depressed af. especially when all these ugly rich white koreaboos will be seeing them and im here all alone, feeling like the only ones i can turn to is a fucking kpop group. how fucking sad isn’t that. i’m not even korean, but it’s like they’re the closest i can get. whites be taking iver everything. i grew up in a fkn white family i know jow they think. they dont. my family isnt even ”racist” theyre racist cus theyre white u get me. like they dont undersyand the hidden racism by calling it an ordinary asian store ”china store” its so normal to them. all my life ive wanted to be a whitey AND NOW WHEN I FINALLY FOUND KPOP THEY WANNA STEAL THAT SHIT TOO OMG IM GOING NUTS

like racists always tell me to go back to my country BUT I NEVER FKN CHOSE TO BE HERE MY PARENTS LITERALLY BOUGHT ME THEY EVEN GOT 80K FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTION FROM OUR GOVERNMENT SO THEY COULD AFFORD MY ADOPTION BUT OUR GIVERNMENT CANT EVEN HELP ME WITH A TINY RE-VISIT TO THE FUCKING PLACE I WAS BORN AND THE ORPHANAGE I SPEND MY 2 FIRST YEARS IN??? like ffs i have to deal with racism 24/7 but give me some fkn money and i’ll be off in a week fuck YOU. at the same time all these nasty white rich hoes can travel across asia like 55 times a year just to exploit our culture and treat my people like SHIT AND NOT ONLY TJAY!! not only cant i go back to my country while whites can…. I CANT EVEN FUCKING SEE THIS ONE SINGLE KPOP GROUP I LIKE WITHOUT THESE FUCKTARD CUNTS NOT BEING ABLE TO CONTROL THEIR COLONIALIST GENES AND STAY IN THEIR FKN LANE

ANYWAYS also also my white brothers make fun of bts and kpop cus they think its just “another stupid boyband” like 1D or smth because their stupid white ass cant comprehend they have 2 asian sisters and that one of them maybe miss her fucking race and hate her life so fucking much that the only thing she’s doing right now is to watch anime and kpop 24/7 bc that’s the only thing she can escape to

ugh i always hate ranting like this cus when i’ve revovered i will cringe so much and i will regret everything i’ve said and i will act fine and i just wanna forget that this ever happened and euw. i just REALLY hate white people and seeing bts would honestly make me so happy. i have a goal of travelling back to china when i have the money but its so far away, im broke, and my parents would rather spend the money on greece for the 6th time than visiting the place i was born SO WHEN I SAID SEEING BTS WOULD GIVE ME ENOUGH DOPAMIN TO SURVIVE ANOTHER YEAR I WASNT FUCKING LYING I NEED SMTH TO HOLD ONTO!! I NEED ASIANS IN MY LIFE GOD DAMN IT

and i HATE that white people take it so personally like my dad is so fkn stupid he must think being schizo cus really cant understand the difference between individuals and groups so when i be lile ”i hate u” and ”ily” he’s like ???? 😭😭😭 god i dont even know if i love em anymore tbh, theyre THAT fkn dumb and then i dont even wanna IMAGINE other adoptive parentS OMG like no wonder so many adoptees grow up with HUGE internalized racism issues smhhh thats sad af cus they be turning their back on their poc cousins just to fit in and be loved by their parents 😭😭😭 rip

#diary #odfidk

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