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mildoctober · 4 years

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ok I need to vent about useless relationship stuff. read this mess at ur own will

I was seeing someone from october 2019 to january 2020, it was messy. We just didn’t have the same love languages, backgrounds, understanding, and I felt weird around him sometimes. Like I was really infatuated at first, but he insisted on having an open relationship (he’s older so I forced myself to believe it would allow me to work on my jealousy) and then it dawned on me how incompatible we were, and I suggested we stopped seeing each other at what he replied with “no, stay with me and we’ll be in love forever” and I was like aight shit what now, and after a few hours I accepted his request (mind you, it happened in december, I had been asking him to be in a committed relationship for the past 2 months then). two weeks after that he tells me how he used to cheat on his first partner like x5 times a night when he went out, I got insecure, cause I was about to go to Belgium for 10 days. Once I was there, he told how he bought a friend of mine earrings, how he slept over at another girl friend’s house, and all of this while I was away, I felt purposefully tested, I kept asking him to respect my boundaries and he insisted that it was just who he is (he even said he went out with those girl friends to buy me a present....... it was a clipper.... friends get earrings and I get a lighter.....). I did shit that week and out of insecurity hooked up with another guy in Belgium after having known he slept at a friends house. That was on me, I should’ve never even entered anything with the guy. He used to tell me how the only other girl he wanted to fuck was a friend of mine, I mean idk how to explain it but I felt drawn to cheating because I spent 3 months listening to him talk about open relationships and threesomes. but 2 weeks into the committed one I cheat so the blame is on me and he has leverage. ok. I even taught him the term gaslighting and what it meant, how I had suffered from it and as soon as he saw a chance (me speaking angrily= gaslighting and being mean / me trying to speak calmly to as to not have my word ignored= gaslighting and manipulating).

We work in the same ngo so I had to face him but I decided to cut ties with him because I started to see his patterns of behaviour, how when he liked a girl he acted like he had a script, he would tell her a specific story about how he bravely torn out his exes door, he showed a specific short story to appear intellectual, he would say he read like The Alchemist to paint himself in that notion but while we were together he did nothing but watch youtube in 2x speed. He never listened to my boundaries so even after breaking up I told him to refrain from interacting with me, he went to a group chat where we’re both in, and nonchalantly shared a screenshot that allowed us to see another chat he had opened...... with the ex prior to me.... this was like 4 days after we separated... but when I asked him to pls pay more attention to stuff like that, I was once again manipulating him, bc “he just didn’t notice and I was the once paying too much attention” once again “it’s just who I am”.

when quarantine started I was v happy because I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore in person. the govt claimed it was safe leaving the house 2 weeks ago, so yesterday the friends from that ngo asked who wanted to go to the river. everyone replied saying if they could or couldn’t and I just SENSED how he would show up “uninvited”. he didn’t say he was going (if he did that he knew I wouldn’t have accepted going), but 1 hour after we arrived he said “ok I’m going now” (I had no possible escape and had to deal with him)

And oh my god he showed up with a big camera, kept saying how now he photographs and all his new plans, loudly enough so that I could hear ofc, forced others to do yoga with him, in my field of vision ofc, he started taking us pictures (without my fucking consent??? ur my ex??? why would I enjoy being photographed by you??????????), he repeatedly tried to interact with me asking me for a lighter, nonchalantly told me to roll a joint.... BUDDY PLS. BOUNDARIES OMG.

Basically I had a fun hour and then he made the whole gathering all about himself and how much he has improved over quarantine. It all seemed like an act to force me to interact with him or validate one of his achievements as we had talked about MY interest for photography, MY interest in spirituality, etc.

Previously the group was just chatting about family life, about almost being done with school, new tv shows, group dynamics, he appears and it’s all about him and his yoga and his new story (he made a book club within the ngo only to post his shitty poetry and get validation, he knew I was also a part of the club so I had to see those poems) read his story aloud (I started playing cards with the others and soon he was without an audience and gave up n telling the story ofc). It was just so excused. He knows what he’s doing I am certain of it, he calculates everything and he knows how to rile people up and then claims it had nothing to do with him. I hate seeing this dynamic, watching him being that, having to second guess my own intuition and what I clearly see, I genuinely do not feel like myself in those moments. HE makes me feel like I’m not myself, he goes out of his way to disturb my boundaries and claim they are manipulative, and I honestly think I did good yesterday. I didn’t speak to him once, idgas if the others noticed how shut down I felt, he will not get any news about my whereabouts, he will not get anything at all from me. He claims he is friends with all of his exes even though the girl he used to cheat with everynight is a psychologist, dated him the longest and only has the word “leech” to describe him, had him blocked. I know he’s trying to be my friend so that he can keep tabs and keep popping in and out of my life.

#the most toxic mf thing I was ever in #rambles #long post

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littlelovelymemes · 7 years

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