#remembering all the bad days constantly

[just-eyris-things]

Vent post. Because i feel like kicking a hornets' nest.

Honestly im just tired of how people will call someone ignorant/uneducated and will go for the throat for every little thing, while they themselves say shit like pierogis all the time. If you're going to point fingers at others, you yourself should be without fault.

The question is... can you?

#im just so tired of all the shit that i constantly see on the internet #ARTIST CANCELLED BECAUSE THEY DIDNT DRAW SOMETHING PERFECTLY #or ARTIST CANCELLED BECAUSE THEY USED A DIFFERENT COLOUR PALETTE #ARTIST CANCELLED BECAUSE THEIR IDEA OF A FICTIONAL CHARACTER ISN'T UP TO FANDOM'S STANDARDS #i bet other people also get shit like that all the time #for example my friend is a writer and he just happens to be a cisguy and whenever i mentioned it to people #they would instantly start saying that they are sure he writes shit like she breasted boobily down the stairs #or i remember how i got told off for making trahearne lives au because apparently #messing with canon is just as bad as falsifying information in history books #just stop for the love of whatever's devine #this has been boiling in me for so long i cant even express it #sorry for going off in the tags in case you decided to read them #peace out imma go and read a book and touch grass #finally its green and soft again after so many rains and storms so it will be a nice chilling time outside #oh btw proper plural is pierogi without the s. singular is pieróg. you want to add s - say pierógs #ngl that pierogi-pierogis is one of my biggest pet peeves #like i wont be stabbing you over it or throw a tantrum and i will just move on with my day i have better things to do in general than #than throwing fits and also im not omniscient myself #like i dont know all the words in english and my german knowledge is very scarce #so i in no way demand others know about pierogis #just give people some room to breathe for gods sake #ok ok ok i think im overwriting this and i cant edit tags on phone so now fr im gonna go and enjoy outside and watch the squirrels

[ef-1]

legs & lessons in perseverance | march '23

#so. #i fell into the fireplace lol #- thats the concise summary. but ive just been unwell health wise recently. i think ms is just harrowing to deal with #because you can go for so long symptom free and then one day you wake up and everything is wrong #your body feels wrong. #i remember being constantly angry at my body as though its a separate entity. especially when i was like 17/18. #because everytime i had a bad ms relapse i would literally breakdown in angry tears like- at my body. i was good to you. im meditating #im eating healthy. im exercising. ive been good to you. #but then suddenly you cant see or youre shaking uncontrollably or your limbs are numb #or my new favourite one: a couple of weeks ago i woke up at 4 am in a cold sweat. the inside of my thigh was burning #i dont mean like. exercise burning. i mean like struck a hot iron rod burning. it was obv nerve pain but that didnt stave off the panic #so i messaged my neurologist and hes like 'yeah its fine. wanna inject yourself?' #anyway. so recently i was helping my friend get his place houseparty ready and we were cleaning out the fire place #and my legs just gave out 😍 #and i got so angry and humiliated i kind of just wanted to go to bed and not wake up tbh #which is what i usually do but like. i was angry. angry. scorpio angry as lidya would say. so i had a nap in his bed #and when i woke up i felt slightly better and for once i thought 'im not going to let my body ruin this day for me' #and i just dragged him to the markets with me. and i still had the tremors but we bought more greens than either of us needed #and we laughed and walked and he carried me to the car at the end of the trip and it was one of the best days ive had in a long while tbh #and it feels impossible but sometimes all u need is to brush the ash from ur knees and hide the scruffs with stockings &maybe youll be ok #💚 #tw chronic illness #/ multiple sclerosis

[gurorori]

i say this with utmost seriousness i wish i was employed

#i need income so badly but im terrified of the prospects of havin 2 live independently but otherwise bein abused 2 death is the only option #:[ im so scared i wish things were easier #it doesn help when they constantly talk abt our neighbor slash childhood bestie whos jus a bit younger than us but alrdy has like #most of her life sorted out shes workin n studyin n they got her a car 4 hwr bday n she has a boyfriend n they r movin out next month #a middle class family btw with two alive parents yadda yadda. her tuition is effortlessly paid n she works on da side 4 her own expenses #n it's like first of all im nawt a well off cis girl. second of all she had qn actual support system n an upbringing — we didn't #i literally vaguely remember spendin most of our childhood n early teens over at her apartment since it was literally two steps away #they'd let us stay 4 hours cuz they felt bad 4 us n they dunno the whole story but they kno we r one of those 'unfortunate' families lol #but yeah the difference between us is night & day. it honestly feels a little crazy since we live literally on the same floor of the same #building despite the feasible differences. idk if dats a good or a bad thing #im jus tired of bein compared 2 her cuz we were failed on so many levels by everyone in our life who was supposed to care 4 us #meanwhile she's an average white blonde girl with a good life by here's standards #i wish we were still close but it became hard approaching teens... still we owr majority of our happy childhood memories 2 hangin out @ her #house or goin places w their family. it almost kinda felt like we were part of it but ik im. exaggeratin #yea idk why i ranted but um i need a job or ill die i think #mika caws

[battywitch]

I've just had the delightful realization (again) that this is my story, and I can put whatever I want into it. Including a shape changing vampire.

#i have to keep reminding myself that it is ok for me to write something that is silly or doesn't make sense (rough draft) #or that maybe no one else on earth would enjoy #it has been...difficult...trying to unlearn more than a decade of things that wormed into my brain #and left me desperate to write but constantly avoiding writing what i actually wanted to write #because it wasn't serious enough or maybe my character was *too much* of a self-insert etc. #anyway. i'm not writing a scene i may or may not keep but it came to me out of nowhere #and i was like :( too bad i can't write that because i should be working on my nano story #and that would be too silly to add to this story #but then i remembered that IT'S *MY* STORY and I can write a scene about a vamp bat hitting a window #or about a unicorn getting a flag stuck to their horn #or a witch accidentally turning her housemate into a possum #etc etc etc #if you've read all this: hi! sorry :/ hope you have a lovely day and something nice happens 🖤

[montanabohemian]

so yesterday i had someone comment on a post i made on IG telling me how "offended" they were because i'd simply ended my post with the phrase "end the occupation and free palestine." so much of what they said was actually insane racist islamophobic bullshit and they managed to end their comment by calling all muslims terrorists and literally parroted the "they want to kill americans" fucking horseshit.

the person that made this comment was by someone i've literally known since grade school. i'm not close friends with them but i've gotten to know them over the years and never once thought they'd say anything like this. i actually thought it was a bot account for like a full minute.

i'm sadly not surprised at the rhetoric because that's where we are. we're right back to twenty years ago during the post 9/11 / war in iraq / war on terror fervor kicked off. i'm just. i had to fight this shit twenty years ago and here we are all over again, except this time with the added benefit of fucking social media.

if simply saying "free palestine" is so inflammatory for you, then that is your fucking problem to work through.

#this person commented a couple more times after i called them out on their racist remarks #including trying to pull the 'you support baby killers' bullshit #to which i said if you really condemn the murder of children #then by god you'd better be condemning israel who's been murdering them all fucking year. and last year. and every year. #and now this person has sent me multiple DMs trying to backtrack their fucking bullshit #and i haven't even read all of them because i don't have the energy for that. i just don't. #like until you retract your racist bullshit and apologize for it #then i am not giving you the time of day #i don't know you guys #i am not ready for this bullshit all over again; i mean i think all last week i was experiencing some trauma response to it #and by that i mean i dealt with this 20 years ago when i was in high school when i was one of maybe five out of 1500 that actively spoke ou #i don't remember any of my classmates ever saying anything to me; or if they did they certainly backed down if i challenged them on it #it came from the adults in my life – including teachers #when you're 15 years old and literally called a terrorist simply because you stand up and say 'hey this is a bad idea' #and when you are constantly bombarded with commentary about how all middle eastern people and all muslims are terrorists because ... ???? #and when you are watching people get harassed and assaulted every single day simply because they *might* be arab because the government ... #... and the media said it was okay to do that #i don't know i guess i never realized it'd affected me until i started seeing the EXACT. SAME. RHETORIC. used *today* #and i'm just a white girl in montana like i can't even fathom the depths of pain this brings on POC who deal with this daily for years #it's just so devastating to see how quickly everyone has jumped on this 'let's kill all the muslims and arabs' train ALL OVER AGAIN #and seeing the horrifying responses by governments to shut down any pro-palestine speech or detain anyone who fucking looks palestinian #like this is just so so so so so so so so so so so so so bad #AND I'M ANGRY AND TIRED AND I NEED TO FUCKING SCREAM AND I'D LIKE TO SCREAM AT BIDEN FOR SUPPORTING GENOCIDE #sorry this is such a personal dump #i just needed to get it out there for my mental health ahahaha man i don't even know #i've already lost two close friends because they were upset that a palestinian on the news didn't condemn hamas in the way they wanted #like they're literally only qualifying palestinians by how they condemn others and not listening to what they're trying to fucking tell you #which is that the occupation and forced displacement of palestinian people is the root cause

[minglana]

i think after tomorrow i will try taking my allergy pill if it gets too hot to see how tired it actually makes me and if it's viable for me in the long run or not.... we'll see

#since i don't have exams in the coming two weeks i will try at least one day just to see #bc yeah its not viable that im tired all day every day but its also not viable me being constantly breaking out in hives bc of the heat #and if its not as bad as i remember i can then stockpile on the pills bc the allergy doctor made my prescription so i could get #a pack a week lol. i would never be able to take all of them of course but it's nice to know that realistically i cant run out of pills #xarraire

[purewater100]

face reveal

#vent in tags #Erm sorry guys not to be personal on my personal blog but #i'm so fucking miserable. #constantly. #i try to be happy i really do i mean i have friends and two partners and a wonderful dog and a roof over my head and food and i have so muc #i have so much to be happy and thankful over and wonderful friends i get to talk to Every Day #yet all it does is give me a distraction. something to focus on and as soon as it's gone i get reminded how fucking bleak everything is #i'm so miserable #i'm constantly drowning in my own fucking misery and i don't know how to stop. #i can't afford therapy and i can't ask my family to pay for it for me bcuz my mother doesn't have the money either #and even if she did would i even go? #i've isolated myself from everyone. it's been years since i've last talked to someone irl (that i don't live with). my life is so empty #and all it does is make me feel worse #even when i'm fixated on an interest or two my daydreams of it are completely ruined by my misery bleeding into it lmfao #when i'm not thinking about how awful i feel i'm thinking about dying and when i'm not thinking about dying i'm thinking about how hopeless #my future is and rinse and repeat it just repeats and repeats and Repeats #i say i can't remember my days because i have a bad memory but the truth is it's because every day is the fucking same #every day i do the same shit i drown in my misery work a little or focus on something i'm into for like an hour before laying in bed and #thinking about dying Again and it just repeats over and over every hour every day every week every fucking month #i'm so miserable. #i want to kill myself. i want to die; but i know i'm too much of a fucking pussy to do it now lmfao #i want to die

[spoondrifts]

wish there was somewhere i could talk freely about my body image issues without feeling like a waste of space attention seeking lazy fuck

#lol!! #the way i've never voiced it out loud to anyone in my life before and every time i try to i freeze up and literally can't speak #it's bc there's no fun and casual way to say that i want to disappear & never be seen again every time i look at my stomach #whoopsie lol sometimes i wish i had the mental strength to starve myself but then i remember that eating disorders are bad and then hate #myself for that train of thought even occurring to me in the first place #got rly close to developing an ed over the summer and it felt good to indulge the obsessiveness i feel every day but don't act on #i'll preach body neutrality all day long & i believe it wholeheartedly for everyone who isn't me #LOL!!!!! #anyway dreading my next doctor's appt bc i'll have go get weighed and that might be my breaking poing actually #i haven't checked since i was fourteen because it made me spiral so badly #isn't that fun! isn't that cute! i'll literally never say this aloud to anyone in my life #when you undress in front of a mirror and the unspeakable self-loathing hits 🥴 #constantly feeling so physically repulsive that i can't believe anyone would ever be attracted to me despite rampant evidence otherwise #someone literally told me they had a sex dream about me and i'm like haha that's hilarious but be fucking for real #when i don't get physical affection one singular time i instantly wonder if it's because i'm so fat & ugly & monstrous that they can't #stand the thought of touching me #additionally hating myself for lacking the strength of will to exercise consistently on top of all that #can't build habits! what a fun adhd quirk that totally isn't destroying my life at all

[mejomonster]

Oh no guys I read about adhd symptoms to see if I had it and now I've made myself sad :c dang these things be affecting my life :c

#rant #i was like: well i probably have ahdh but i have a fuckton of coping mechanisms so doctors probably wont help me #then i reflected on my coping mechanisms :c #guys i spend 8 hours prepping for a doctors appt. im not kidding. i hqve to schedule reminders on my outlook calendar #that i must look at constantly for work (so i dont forget). then sit for a couple hours to focus and dontemplate on the goal #of the appt. then write everything i need to tell them. then think some more. then write things i forgot in another few days #then in anothef few days. then after several hours and a few weeks i have a LIST OF STUFF TO TELL DOCTOR and then i always put calendar #appts EARLY on them by 1 hour so i freak out when i hear alarm and get ready then have time to get there extra. #and i do this for. taxes. oil changes. license renewal. any appointment of any kind. any work situation that isnt super routine and quick #all this shit takes me hours to WEEKS of prep. taxes take me 2 weeks of ONLY TAX WORK so like 20-30 hours whenever im nog working to slowly #prep then calm down then concentrate then prep. but i also do this for shopping for so much basic shit #i have calendar reminders to pay bills. i have a whiteboard on fridge to remind me of chores #i CANNOT remember any convo or task without gratuitious written reminders and notes so i write EVERYRHING down. college was hell #i threw out my planners from college so many bad memories and stress. byt like. goddamn some peiple... #onlt take 1-3 hours to prep for a #doctor???? or even less?!!!! some people GENUINELY only need 8 hours/a #sunday to do taxes???!!!! some people can plan appointmenrs without 1 hour buffer early time on their alarms? hell without NEEDING alarms #to remember the appt exists??!!!! i cant even follow a conversation thats 5 minutes without asking what they said. my mind blanks and i #space out. like... :c quite sad how much time is wasted by all this prep to cope as well as others. its all that CBT therapy strategies i #learned combined with just. so many fuxking notes. #i also do SO much to have normal convos. i practiced hard to focus ish and respond better and write things and have #the correct expressions and even now i know my talking speed upsets some ppl. which stresses me out :/

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

head hurty

#not any more like that but last night #love having a pain condition triggered partly by anxiety but also it caused the anxiety to be constant in the first place #i dont get chronic migraines bc i dont get them often enough its usually like 1 every 2 months nowadays but sometimes it can be 4 in a week #bc having one makes it more likely i have a another soon after #but i sure as fuck have acute migraines #i remember being in school and classmates being like oh i have a migraine going off to take their meds and then coming back to class?! #whereas as soon as i had an aura id go to the office and be like can you call my mum she needs to take me home #and i thought i was just being weak and i should just push through it #but you can't push through acute pain nausea vomiting and disorientation #there are literally parts of my brain or thoughts i can't access during one ill be trying to think of a word and i can't find it #they usually only last like 2-3 hours but it feels like a lot longer when you're sitting in the dark can't even lie down feeling like hell #and ik some peoples go on for days some people have them more days than they dont ik im lucky to have such short and fairly infrequent ones #but its still beyond horrible and feeling like a ticking time bomb constantly watching out for an aura #and worrying about going somewhere you can't easily get home from #and I've only just started to be able to talk about it i could never understand how other people could talk about theirs flippantly #when mine terrified me more than anything the amount of bad feelings #but she's working on it having realised after 8 years that it doesn't have to be like that 🤣 #mine #n e way sorry for the rsnt all good now chillin in bed ✌🤣

[inkubye]

kms kms kms actually kms for being a deliriously mentally ill moron and submitting the wrong fucking document for my assessment worth 50% of the module grade and then getting a 0

#i worked for like 9+ days constantly on that piece of work during a horrific depressive period... all for nothing... #all bc i fucked up heroically at the last step and genuinely dont even remember what exactly went wrong i was tiredand unwell #i am begging the uni to actually have mercy and let the correct essay actually be marked 😭😭😭 kms #once again i am asking god how much more do i have to repent and suffer to be rid of the constant debt of bad karma that im paying back #og post #personal #irls dw im not actually gonna kms. sertraline is pulling through in these trying times. but i will be Suffering for the next month #until i get a response from the uni

[maldito-arbol]

It’s time for Mal to Talk in the tags again because I’m too tired to do homework or write so I’m gonna use my energy for this

#ranting online is kinda therapeutic since I can’t get therapy? ok so I just wanted to mention this and ramble #i about cried talking to my himbo friend over the phone the other day because he told me. the day I read that chapter (well. 1/4 of it) #to my discord server in the vc he came in and checked on me a few times and he said he hasn’t seen me look that happy in so long and it #hurts because I had to end that event early because I couldn’t breathe but I had so much fun talking to ppl and doing the reading bc I get #✨dramatic✨ and shit and yknow overall it was just such a great experience except for the not breathing part (the gods are punishing me for #the Bye Bye Air Collar from WJH) and anyway it just reminded me all over again how Unhappy I am constantly. i have spent my entire life #being treated like complete dirt by family and friends and bosses and coworkers and classmates and everyone under the sun so the second i #feel appreciated by Anyone I break into tears it’s So Bad. so like I enjoy going to work because even tho it’s so tiring and it’s so hard #dealing with customers sometimes I love it anyway because like. i feel appreciated there. by my boss and a handful of coworkers at least. #and that’s so much better than being in this house and feeling like I’m the devil’s spawn all over again sent to ruin everybody’s life by #merely existing. so work is a double-edged sword because it’s another source of Pain but it’s ALSO an escape which is Totally Healthy but #then there’s my fanfics. writing what I wanna write and sharing it with you guys and tormenting you and my blorbos is a kind of happiness I #will never find anywhere else. reading that to the server was one of those moments of pure euphoria even if I was plagued by Stage Fright #at the same time. so yeah. it really really really deepens my already horrid depression that I can’t write and I can’t release content rn #bc it means that source of pure happiness is gone with it and I’m left feeling all worthless again. idk how to fix all this. idk if I can. #I’m just so so so tired;;;;; #i forgot where I was going with this I feel like I keep repeating myself but anyway that’s all for now I’m gonna go see if I can cry #oh! one more thing. i haven’t talked to my Blood Family (apart from my sisters and Rarely my dad) SINCE I GOT KICKED OUT but last night my #aunt called me and we talked about my mother and she had a breakdown to me over the phone so I remembered all over again what it was like #living with my mother and maybe realized I never actually processed any of that trauma. it’s all just coming pouring out thru my writing. #all the Abuse themes going on in CMTO? 100% projection so sorry u had to witness this guys 💜 but anyway she told me I rlly helped validate #her own feelings and apologized for crying to me ab this but I told her what I tell everyone—that Crying Is Good For The Soul #and maybe that’s why I’ve been crying so much lately. because I need to. and I need to stop holding everything in. my friends are genuinely #worried and I somehow convinced myself that they have better things to do than listen to my whining. so anyway I’m gonna go cry 💜 #for self care purposes. ok done for real this time see y’all soon next time I decide to rant in the tags again #mal rants

[akitsuneswife]

vent in the tags

tw for mentions of eating disorders / suicide

#not my aunt demanding an apology after she found out i said that i felt like shit bc she constantly hurt me verbally when i was 14 #she almost pushed me to have a ed. i actually used to wish and pray i would get one just so i'd be skinny just like she wanted me to be #i developed a lack of self esteem. depression. insomnia for an entire year. all i thought of was suicide. #yeah i made some shitty things that hurt my family once but it doesn't mean i dont care about them #but apparently i dont have the right to feel sad about things that haunt me to this day bc i dont have it as rough #worst thing of all is i will HAVE to apologize or she will cut me off but she will never acknowlodge that she hurt me #bc she did so much for me (which ok she did) but in her mind that absolves of all the shitty things she said to me #i dont even know if i want to be around her even if i apologize. what i did remember is why i dont share anything with my family #the reason i put walls in between them and the things i want to keep private. the way i can't trust them. #bc every fucking time i try to open up im fucking backstabbed and then im the one to blame #im the one to blame when im taken out of the closet without my consent. im the one to blame for being depressed. #im the one to blame when something bad happens to them and i dont show emotion the way they want. #and now im thinking about suicide again. every time it seems things will get better im dragged down. #im not going to do it. but i cant help but wish she could eat her words and carry them with her her whole life. #knowing she could've let all of this pass.

[runawaymarbles]

I really think people have forgotten just how bad things were under the Trump Administration. Literally every day there was news about some service being cut or someone terrible appointed somewhere they shouldn't be or what have you. He constantly flirted with WW3 and military dictatorship. It was such a blur of badness that there aren't big standouts for people to point to to make him "the XYZ president." it was everything. all the time. Why do we not remember this.

#us politics #i'm ????

[nexus-nebulae]

damn i actually had a pretty good streak there of not having bad insomnia days. that's pretty impressive for me like i haven't really had one since early January

#usually i get them like. maybe once a week #i think it's partially my new meds? #got some meds for anxiety and oh my GOD i finally have something that WORKS instead of fucking lexapro AGAIN #literally all my doctors would go LEXAPRO!! even though it's never fuckin worked for me #BUT I'm on remeron now and it's WORKING #and i made sure to make my Scheduled Pill Time as something i could almost never miss (my mom getting home from work) #bc it's around the same time every day within a half hour range and since i have an outside reminder it helps me actually form a habit #i cannot form habits without outside help it's just. nearly impossible for me #and the meds do make me kind of tired but not enough that I'm fucking constantly sleeping like when i was on seroquel #i can actually fucking THINK through this tired it doesn't just completely take me out 100% of the time #I'm just Slightly Sleepy instead of a zombie #and it helps remind me that I'm tired bc usually i don't notice any physical feelings #(is there a word for that??????? i tried googling but it constantly gave me alexythemia which is not feeling EMOTION) #(when this is like. i can't feel tired or hungry or pain sometimes. or at least i lose the ability to be aware that I'm feeling it) #but anyway the new meds make me just tired enough to remember i need sleep #and i mean. i am sleeping slightly early but 8:30 isn't that bad i don't think #at least i have time to. you know. do stuff between the hours of 5-8 (the only hours my mom is home + stores is open) #and tbh staying up alone all night isn't. the best. for my mental health #i don't handle being alone well. and Pulse is being a dick about system barriers :P (/lh we know why it's needed rn) #we have. a deep deep fear of isolation. like not just being alone but Not Being Able To Call For Help At All #at least with phone/computer we have One outlet for help with emergency services so that helps slightly #we worry a lot about. what would happen. if we had a medical emergency. and nobody knew bc i couldn't contact anyone #mostly. the fear of Something Bad happening and not being found until hours or days later #i like being awake during the day tho bc theres Way More Options for help #and like the fear of Not Being Found doesn't go away like. ever #but at least when people are awake and around its lessened a lot #the fear increases exponentially with each possible second added to the wait time #so knowing that it's just One hour until mom is home and can check on me is a lot better than Nobody's Awake For 5 More Hours #(and my mom is deaf too so i can't just like. scream for help to wake her up) #(not that i can physically scream at all anyway my voice just cannot handle that anymore)