#reminder: do not talk to your mentally ill friends the way richie talks to stan here!!!

[strangesickness]

i was talking about stan and his OCD the other day but i didn't really talk about how the other losers would act about it. so!

please remember that OCD is a varied condition and not everyone with it is like what is depicted in this post!

bill

at first stan keeps his obsessions to himself, he's pretty aware of what is a "typical" thought process and what is his brain being kinda weird

but eventually bill finds him having a panic attack over something seemingly mundane. young stan to me had obsessions that focused on the supernatural and "curses", so something like opening an umbrella indoors throws him into hysterics

and as soon as he realizes what he's doing he's humiliated, because like who the fuck cares? everyone knows that's just a stupid superstition, and he's so worried bill's going to think he's a weirdo or a coward

but bill is like. extremely reasonable about it, i think he's used to georgie getting upset over seemingly nonsensical things (the way kids do), so he's just used to treating things he doesn't understand with severity.

maybe there's nothing scary to him about opening an umbrella indoors, but its clearly upset stan and that's what matters here. he calmly asks him what he's upset about and reassures him that if it upsets him then its important

he gets stan to talk through it, bill brings up how richie always opens his umbrella indoors but nothing bad has ever happened to him because of it, which doesn't help a ton because OCD isn't typically very reasonable, but it helps a bit, and stan calms down enough that bill bringing up richie prompts him to go off on a rant about something stupid richie did at school while bill was gone

eddie

despite not having OCD eddie gets it, especially after he finds out that he isn't actually sick

eddie is the first person stan chooses to tell about the weird circles his brain runs in, because he knows eddie still carries around his fake inhaler

eddie isn't scared of the same things stan is, but he can understand being afraid of something he logically knows can't hurt him. they're pretty good at working each other out of panic attacks because of this

richie

(the things richie says to stan here are things you should never ever say to someone with OCD unless you have their express permission, stan finds it funny and helpful, and as someone with OCD so do i, but many will not, and talking like this could make their mental state worse and is just generally an asshole thing to do!)

on paper richie is an asshole to stan about his OCD, he calls him unreasonable, tells him he makes no sense, he's worrying over nothing, etc.

he frequently makes fun of stan's obsessions, if stan says something he thought because of his OCD richie will repeat it back to him in a Voice

but by some miracle this does wonders for stan

if anyone else was saying this stuff it would make him feel like shit, but because it's richie it's hilarious (not that he shows it)

richie assigning characters to his obsessions has managed to completely discredit some of them, and stan is straight up Not Bothered by some of them anymore because as soon as the thought pops up so does richie's voice and he can't take it seriously

there's the scandalized mother who thinks stan is a horrible person for not appreciating his meals properly or something

there's the conspiracy theorist trying to convince stan curses are real

and there's the high school coach who acts like stan is a one man army and they're going to lose the entire war if stan doesn't fold his sheets properly

stan doesn't want to give richie credit for his improved mental state because the way he did it is ridiculous, but yeah, richie and his voices have definitely helped

beverly

bev is great at Not Talking About It and Being Normal About It

stan will say something extremely concerning (use your imagination, i don't want to provide an example lol), and bev is like "yeah thats fucked up." and then they move on

he never gets the feeling she's brushing him off or anything, she'd definitely Actually Talk About It if he asked, but sometimes he just needs to get the thought out there and then immediately move on

sometimes it is exhausting to actually talk about feelings, sometimes stan just needs to express that he's feeling something, be acknowledged, then move on

"i just thought [insert concerning compulsion he doesn't want to do]" "or we could skip class and build a snowfort before all these other assholes ruin the fresh snow at lunch"

stan never feels judged in the slightest when he's with bev, and it helps free him of some of the judgment in his own mind :)

ben

ben is so so so good at listening, not only is he just the only nice 13 year old stan has ever met, he has one of those faces yknow?

he finds himself telling ben things it took him nearly a decade of friendship to tell bill

ben is clearly confused and concerned, but he never makes stan feel like he's unreasonable

stan usually only tells his friends about his specific obsessions when they've bottled up and are about to explode, or when he's in the midst of a panic attack

but with ben he feels like he can talk about the other stuff that comes with it, the impact his thought processes have had on his life

ben offers suggestions from time to time, not all of them stick, but the ones that do really help stan out

mike

mike finds a way to keep stan from worrying about anything at all

stan could spend all day worrying about something, and then mike shows up and explains some new topic to stan and it's like stan wasn't even stressed in the first place

stan can't even count the number of times mike has gone through an explanation of the history of derry, or what various states are known for, or the tasks mike does at the farm, or the history of some obscure scientific/cultural phenomenon

stan genuinely loves hearing about anything mike wants to talk about, but he also just finds mike to be a really engaging speaker to the point he stops thinking about whatever was bothering him

it is very much a win/win situation

sometimes mike will manage to pull him out of whatever was worrying him and get him to talk about birds and the boy scouts and they always end up having a ton of fun :)

the losers love stan and he loves them <3

#reminder: do not talk to your mentally ill friends the way richie talks to stan here!!! #some might find it funny/helpful but many will not. do not say anything of this sort unless they specifically say its okay! #if they don't find the joke funny you're not being funny you're just being a dick!!! #started writing this post because of the time i referred to one of my Thoughts as “the angry twitter user in my head” #and imagined richie assigning characters to all of stan's obsessions and that completely discrediting them #i have OCD and am writing from experience/how i wish people reacted. please be normal about this post <3 #posts afflicted with a strange sickness #it stephen king #it 2019 #it 2017 #stanley uris #stan uris #bill denbrough #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #beverly marsh #ben hanscom #mike hanlon

[stxn-the-mxn]

The Gift Of You || College!Steddie

IT Secret Santa Gift for @maxine-gayfield​

IT Secret Santa Organized by @itfandomprompts​

***

November 11th, 1994

“I just don’t understand why they need to do… this?” Stan furrowed his eyebrows, watching as a boy he recognized from his history class and a girl he had never seen before hung up another garland across the hallway. He acknowledged that the garland was a nice shade of green, and it was pretty to look at, but that didn’t change his opinion on it.

Eddie, who could barely see through his layers upon layers of beanies and scarves, turned to Stan, seeing the contempt in his eyes. He followed Stan’s eyes to the winter garland that draped across the wall, just brushing the top of a doorframe.

“People get excited for Christmas, Stan. It’s bigger than Hannukah, especially here. But that doesn’t mean we can’t cele-” 

“No, no, I don’t care about that. It’s fucking November.” 

“Oh.” Eddie blinked in surprise, as Stan’s hands curled into fists. He was almost shocked at how frustrated Stan was getting. Sure, he knew that Stan often felt left out at Christm- December,

(Eddie had sworn to Stan that he would be inclusive around the holiday season. Stan had told him he didn’t have to do that, but Eddie had smiled sweetly and crossed his fingers over his heart)

but he hadn’t expected Stan to get so annoyed at people hanging up decorations early. Maybe, a thought occurred to him, Stan would be less annoyed if it weren’t just typical Christmas decorations being hung up everywhere. But then again, maybe Stan meant what he said and he was just frustrated that it was only November. 

Let’s hope that Stan avoided any and all shopping malls until December.

“-vember is way too early for holiday decorations. It’s barely been two weeks since Halloween, yknow?” Eddie glanced up at Stan again, his neck hurting a little, due to their difference in height.

Eddie used to complain about his small, 5’5 height in comparison to Stan’s 5’8 height, or anyone else’s height quite regularly, so much so that Stan had once made a comment that their heights were not that different, and Eddie was simply being dramatic. Eddie hadn’t said anything about his height since.

“Stanny, I think you’re being a bit dramatic.” Eddie hummed, a small smirk on his face as he remembered the height conversation, his voice muffled through a scarf that he’d moved to warm up his face more. Stan huffed, but shifted his thoughts away from the decorations, and instead listened to Eddie talk about whatever his mom had sent a letter about this time.

As Eddie spoke, fumbling over his own words as he complained about his overbearing mother, Stan took one last look at the decorations that plagued the college hallway and made a mental note of the date.

November 11th. 44 days until Christmas.

***

November 20th, 1994

“So, you want to celebrate Christmas for the first time, because of Wheezy?” Richie Tozier snorted, eyeing his curly-haired dormmate over the top of his comic book. Richie had not stopped laughing since Stan had slammed open the door and collapsed on his bed, muttering unrecognizable sentences under his breath.

These sentences, as one might come to wonder about them, were very much related to the day Stanley had spent with Eddie. These comments were in no way negative. Stan would never dream of saying anything even remotely harsh to the smaller boy. No, these comments, as anyone who heard them could tell you, were simply muffled confessions of a newly burning adoration.

“Yes, I do. And his name is Eddie, thank you very much.” Stan rolled his eyes at Richie, a common occurrence in their dorm.

Richie, however, was well aware that his name was Wheezy. Not only did he share some classes with the boy, but he slept in close proximity of Stan, and that reminded him of the brunette boy’s name enough. Stanley Uris had a terrible habit of talking in his sleep. 

“Okay, so, you - a Jew - want to celebrate Christmas - a not Jewish holiday - because of some boy that you like?” 

“Yes. Wai- No, I don’t like him!” Stan glared at Richie, who simply shrugged his shoulders in response, the smirk across his face kept hidden behind his comic. Stan, in a moment of defeat, slumped back onto his bed, unaware of the conversation happening across the hallway.

***

“Ben, it’s just not fair! He’s too pretty to be real.” Eddie groaned, his pale skin flustered so much that his freckles were practically hidden. Ben Hanscom, who had been trying his hardest to finish his architectural sketch and not giggle at Eddie’s predicament, gave up and put his pencil down.

“Deal with it, Eddie. Some people are just too pretty.” He mused, eyes drifting to the set of four photobooth pictures pinned to the wall, flaming red hair drawing in his focus.

“But I don’t wanna deal with it!” Eddie whined, shoving his face into his pillow, leaving Ben on the verge of a giggling mess. “Why can’t- why can’t he deal with it, and be- be less pretty?” 

“Well, I don’t think you’d like that, would you?”

“No… I suppose not. Fuck, I hate when you’re right.” Eddie, upon hearing Ben’s triumphant laughter, stuck out his middle finger, frustrated grumbles spilling from his lips. Eddie’s fist met his mattress repeatedly, each impact paired with a sweet, but angrily spoken, comment on Stan.

Ben, figuring he wasn’t going to be having another conversation with Eddie for a while, stood up and walked over to there calendar. It had been a gift from Sonia Kaspbrak, who had no clue how to give suitable presents to her son and had presented him with a calendar with a different health fact each day.

Ben ripped off that day and its fact (blood makes up about 8% of your total body weight) revealing the new fact for the 21st of November.

November 21st, 34 days until Christmas.

***

November 30th, 1994

“Benjamin Peter Hanscom, I am 100%, without a doubt, completely and utterly in love with Stanley Reuben Uris.”

Ben, who had not been expecting Eddie so early, almost knocked poor Beverly off the bed in shock. Bev, who had simply wanted to spend time with her boyfriend, gaped at Eddie, his words coming as a surprise to her.

“Ben, why aren’t you saying anyt- oh, hi, Bev.” Eddie collapsed on his bed, which had become a regular occurrence since Eddie had realised he had any semblance of feelings for Stan. 

Oh, he definitely had feelings for Stan. Stan, who would barely speak up in class, but always had so much to say. Stan, who would always wait for Eddie outside the classes they didn’t share. Stan, who knew Eddie’s order at every nearby restaurant and cafe. Stan, who was a straight-A student, yet would sometimes arrive late to class due to being distracted by a bird.

Stan, who Eddie could talk about for hours. 

Yeah, he absolutely had feelings for Stan.

Looking up, Eddie saw the awkward expressions on Beverly and Ben’s faces and rolled over to face the wall and not them.

“Continue. I’m not watching.”

***

“You’re in love with Wheezy! You’re in love with Wheezy! You’re in love wi-”

“Yes, Richie! We get it, okay? Stan’s in love with Eddie.” Mike placed his hand over Richie’s mouth, only to receive the sensation of Richie’s tongue across his skin. “You, Richie, are disgusting.”

“S-so, Stan, when did you r-realise you liked, or love, him?” He watched as Stan’s cheeks lit up red, a smirk now adorning Bill’s face. “I’m sorry, S-Stan, is love too strong a word f-for you?”

“You guys need to shut up!” Stan cried out, leaving the other three boys in fits of laughter. “Oh, fuck you guys!”

“Cmon, Stan, you know we’re just messing with you, right?” Mike sat beside Stan, patting his back comfortingly, while Bill and Richie continued to laugh. Now, as cruel as it may seem for Bill and Richie to find such humour in Stan’s feelings, they were actually quite happy and proud of their best friend.

“Hey, Rich?” The glasses-clad boy looked over at Stan. “What would- I can’t fucking believe I’m asking you this- What would you do if you thought you’d found your soulmate?”

“Whoa, Stan the Man! You saying that Kaspbrak’s your soulmate?” Mike exclaimed, springing to his feet. Bill and Richie’s eyes widened as Stan fiddled with his fingers.

“Well… yeah. Do I sound insane, or ridiculous or obsessive or-”

“You and Eddie are absolutely soulmates. Just ask him out. If he doesn’t say yes, you can just go out with me.” Richie smiled and tried to pull Stan into an affectionate embrace, trying to keep up a serious facade, Stan slapping his arms away and laughing loudly.

“How do you ask someone out?” Stan asked, earning eye rolls from his three friends.

“W-well, it’s got to be special. And important. Especially to Eddie.” 

Stan wracked his mind for something special and important to Eddie. And of course, things that might actually make Eddie say yes. That, to Stan, meant no disease, no illness, nothing that reminded Eddie of his mother.

“Wait! Stan, Stan, Stan, Stan, Stan!” Richie shook the curly-haired boy by his shoulders, Stan simply rolling his eyes in response.

“Yes, Richard?”

“Didn’t you tell me you wanted to celebrate Christmas because of Eddie?”

Stan, in a moment of realisation and possible brilliance, bolted to the calendar.

“It’s the 30th of November. I have 25 days to give Eddie the best Christmas of his life.”

***

24 Days Until Christmas

“G’morning Stan!” Eddie’s cheerful voice called down the hall, causing Stan to choke on his peppermint latte and almost spill the gingerbread hot chocolate in his hand. As Eddie practically bounded over to Stan, the taller boy took in his appearance. Eddie’s cheeks were flushed red, and the white flakes of snow on his head stood out among his chestnut curls.

He looked utterly adorable and Stan could only just keep himself composed.

“How are you, Eddie?” Stan smiled, not unaware of Richie standing not too far behind Eddie, gesturing crudely at the pair of boys.

“Well, it’s December 1st, and Ben got up early to decorate for Christmas, so I’m in quite a festive mood.” Eddie smiled, remembering the string of red, yellow and green lights that had woken him up.

Stan blushed at the sight of Eddie’s wide smile, and the way his hair bounced as he shook out the snow. The burning sensation tingling through Stan’s hand reminded him of the drink he was still holding.

“Oh! Eddie, I brought you a drink. I remembered you texting me at, like, 2am about how excited you were for a gingerbread hot chocolate, so I thought I’d get you one.” Stan breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn’t stammered or messed up his words.

“Fuck, Stanley, I love you. I can’t believe you remembered!”

Stan froze at Eddie’s words, the dorkiest smile imaginable breaking out across his face. He handed Eddie the cup, laughing softly as he aggressively started drinking it. It was almost gone in a minute, Eddie giggling awkwardly as he realised he’d downed the whole thing.

Stan was yet to tear his eyes away from the small brunette, eyes open wide in pure shock and admiration. His next words barely matched a whisper.

“How could I forget.”

***

18 Days Until Christmas

“Eddie? Really?” Beverly sighed as she watched Eddie shove a bobby pin into the lock. Sure, he could’ve just asked Richie for the key, but as if that dickweed would just hand them over. Especially if he knew why.

Beverly and Ben had boxes stacked to the skies that Eddie had filled with decorations and other surprises he’d bought the past week. He could only hope that Stan would like the surprises too.

Click!

“Fuck yeah!” Eddie swung the door open, only to be met with Richie, Mike and Bill’s scared faces as they huddled together.

“The fuck are you doing here?” Tozier screeched, pushing up his glasses that were slipping off.

“No point in lying now,” Eddie groaned. “I- We were planning on decorating Stan’s dorm. I’ve spent the past week shopping for Hannukah items and simple decorations in Stan’s favourite colours. That’s what we’re doing here.”

Bill and Mike shared a knowing look with Ben and Bev, while Richie let squeaky laughs to escape through his smiling face.

“That’s kinda gay, Kaspbrak!”

“Oh, go suck your boyfriend’s dick, Tozier.”

The two continued to bicker, as Bill and Mike moved to help Ben and Bev unload the boxes. In the time it took for Richie and Eddie to calm themselves down and move on, the other four had already hung up all of the blue and silver decorations, and were in the process of stringing up the little bird-shaped fairy lights Eddie had hunted down for three days.

“Hey! I was meant to hang this all up!” Eddie gasped, genuinely upset.

“Don’t worry, Spaghetti, they left the most important part for you,” Richie said, handing the extremely expensive menorah (which had cost Eddie all his savings. But it was for Stan, so he didn’t care.) over to Eddie, being careful not to drop it.

Eddie placed it carefully on Stan’s desk, making sure it didn’t disrupt the perfect order that Stan kept everything in. Once that was done, Eddie left the room, Bev and Ben not too far behind.

10 minutes later, Stan unlocked the door and gasped in surprise. There was barely an empty area of wall, and usually, this would have upset Stan, but when he took a moment to actually examine the festive explosion, it brought a smile to his face.

Blue, silver and birds.

Three out of four of his favourite things. His fourth favourite thing was Eddie. And there, on his desk, was the most gorgeous menorah he’d ever seen. He was so enchanted by the new item on his desk, he hadn’t noticed Richie reading another comic.

“It’s gorgeous,” Stan spoke, seemingly to himself.

“Yeah, Wheezy did quite a good job,” Richie muttered, almost causing Stan to scream in shock.

“Wh- Eddie did this?” 

“Yeah, who else? Me? Nah, I’ll leave this kind of sappy shit to your tiny boyfriend.”

“He’s not my bo- I don’t care. He did all this for me?”

“Jesus, Stanley, get it through your head. Yes, he did it for you. Now go run to his dorm, sweep him off his feet and fuck for god sake.” Richie sighed, more serious than he’d ever sounded.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

***

10 Days Until Christmas

“No. I’m not hanging Mistletoe in the doorway, Benny. That’s a stupid plan.” Eddie sighed, tossing the leaves behind him. Ben sighed, reaching down to pick up the discarded decoration. 

“But wasn’t that your plan?”

“It was. But that’s so basic. And there’s no consent because of “tradition”, which is stupid and dumb. And it’s a Christmas tradition and I want it to be more… Stan, y’know?”

Ben sighed again, burying his head in his hands. Eddie was truly one of the most frustrating people he’d ever had to deal with, but he loved the boy nonetheless, and all he wanted to do was help his friend get together with the boy he was so clearly in love with.

“Fine, we’re scrapping Mistletoe. What else you got?” Ben queried, staring at Eddie with an inquisitive look. He was quite intrigued to see what Eddie could come up with.

“What if- and I know this sounds stupid- but what if I gave Stan a Hannukah present, but the present was me and I kiss him? Is that stupid?”

Ben stared in shock. Never did he imagine that Eddie Kaspbrak, the resident germaphobe, who sometimes screamed at the slightest breath on him and ran miles away from any cough or sneeze, was thinking of kissing Stan Uris.

Ben couldn’t assume that Eddie hadn’t thought of kissing Stan before, because there was no way he hadn’t. But Eddie was ready to put his thoughts into action. Ben couldn’t help but be proud of him.

“Fuck. Ben, I’m going out. December 25th is too far away.”

Eddie sped out of the room, not giving time for Ben to process his words. When the realisation dawned on him, the smile on his face swelled, and he rushed after Eddie, excited to see what he did.

***

“Stan The Man! You’re gonna kiss Wheezy as a Christmas-Hannukah present? Now that’s a move!” Richie nudged Stan in the shoulder, only receiving a light shove back. Stan was an alarming shade of red, which only made Richie happier.

“Shut the fuck up, Tozier. I’m only doing it cause Mike told me to.”

“No, I didn’t.” 

“Shut the fuck up, Hanlon. I’m not in the mood.” Stan laughed softly, as did Mike and Richie. When the laughter fell to silence, Stan began to mull over his tumbling thoughts. Fuck, was he really going to kiss Eddie? Yes. Yes, he fucking was.

“Hey, guys?” The two boys hummed in response, gazing up at their friend. “What if I… didn’t wait until Christmas?”

Their eyes widened, and so did Richie’s smile.

“Stan my man! That’s what I’m talking about! Sweep the little fucker off his feet and kiss him until he has an asthma attack! Go, you fucknut, and get your man!” Richie headlocked Stan, ruffling his already messy curls.

“I believe in you, Stanley. As Richie said; go get your man!” Mike cheered, clapping him on the back.

“I also said fucknut.” Richie stated through laughs, to which Stan simply rolled his eyes, a smile evident on his face. Stan stood up from his bed and headed for the door, ignoring the cheers and wolf-whistles from his friends.

He swung open the door, only to be met with Eddie’s closed fist, as if he were about to know on the door.

“Eddie!” Stan exclaimed, his voice breaking in surprise.

“Stan! Sorry for almost punching you…” Eddie sighed, dropping his arm to his side, letting it swing awkwardly. “Oh! You’re probably wondering why I’m at… your door and very clearly trying to get in, since I was about to knock… I really am sorry for almost punching you. So uh, basically, I was going to wait until Christmas- sorry, Hannukah- but I couldn’t wait so now I’m here and I’m so sorry for just showing up but I ju-”

Their lips moved perfectly together, their bodies moulding as if they were clay being sculpted into each other. Time seemed to slow as Eddie grabbed Stan’s waist and Stan grabbed Eddie’s face, both pulling each other closer.

“You need to stop apologising,” Stan murmured, drawing Eddie nearer. “Just keep kissing me.”

Mike stood from his viewing position, shutting the door, much to Richie’s frustration. Ben coughed awkwardly and scurried off to his dorm, leaving Eddie and Stan in the empty hallway, their lips still brushing against each other.

“Happy Hannukah, Stan.”

“Merry Christmas, Eddie.”

#stan uris x eddie kaspbrak #steddie #stan x eddie #stanley uris x eddie kaspbrak #it #it 2019 #college eddie #college stan #college steddie #the losers club #eddie kaspbrak #stan uris #stanley uris #college losers club

[fairyling]

GIVE ME STOZIER ANGST WITH A HAPPY ENDING OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!

shit i have such a hard time writing happy endings but !! here’s an attempt !! 

it’s under the cut

“Richie can you just shut the fuck up for once?”

Richie froze and looked over at Stan who was still laying in the grass with his eyes closed. He looked peaceful laying in the grass like that, but Richie felt anything but. “What do you mean for once?” he challenged, plucking blades of grass from the dirt while he willed his voice not to crack.

“You never know when to be quiet. You’re always blabbering on about something and a lot of the time it’s nonsense. If you were quiet for more than a minute maybe you’d hear what the rest of us had to say. Maybe you’d know a thing or two about your friends.”

“I know stuff about you guys.” he said, defensively. Richie took his glasses off and cleaned them with his shirt before sighing.

“Really? What’s Bill’s favorite color? Ben’s favorite season? When did Beverly really feel like she belonged with us?”

“Why do I have to know that stuff? It’s so specific. I know other stuff. I know that Eds doesn’t need his inhaler. I know that Mike still feels guilty about what happened with Bowers.”

“That stuff is still stuff about your friends. Everyone knows that Mike feels guilty and that Eddie’s illnesses are bullshit. Try actually listening to what the rest of us have to say instead of speaking over all of us.”

“Fuck you, Stan. I know shit about you guys.” Richie huffed. He pushed himself up off the ground and dropped all of the grass in his hands on Stan’s face. Stan opened his eyes and shut a glare at Richie as he scrambled to sit up. He opened his mouth to say something back, but Richie was already walking away. Stan sighed and brushed the grass away from his face before laying back down and watching the clouds.

Richie knew stuff about his friends. Or, he thought he did. He knew that Bill didn’t stutter when he was talking about things that were important to him so the stutter was probably, mostly, a mental thing. Mike was the best at understanding the losers and he was possibly the best listener. He offered the best advice and absolutely adored helping his friends. Eddie was scared of more than just germs and it was his mother’s fault. He was scared of how other people perceived him and he was scared of someone breaking him when he was so much stronger than anyone believed. Beverly fought better than any of the losers and she had more fire in her heart than even Bill. She had been thrown to the wolves so many times that she became one. Ben loved all of his friends more than he knew he was capable of and he was content just loving them, even if none of them reciprocated the way he felt. He never expected anything from them and that was why he was so delighted whenever the others so much as thought about him.

Richie stopped at the corner of the sidewalk by his house and dug a crumpled pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. His hands shook as he plucked the last cigarette from the pack and lit it. Why his hands were shaking was beyond him, but Richie had never been good at identifying his emotions. He didn’t have the words for it like Ben did. He also never had the desire to recognize that he was capable of any emotions. The longer he spent thinking about how he felt the more he wanted some bullies to bash his face in until all he could think about was how their knuckles felt on his cheeks. “This is fucking bullshit.” he mumbled, taking a drag of his cigarette while the other hand shoved the now empty pack of cigarettes and lighter into the pocket of his windbreaker. “I know stuff about my friends. I’m not a bad friend. I’m not a bad person.” he huffed as he turned on his heel to go back to the park.

Stan went over the conversation in his head a few times while he felt the wind tickle his cheeks. Had he been harsh? Maybe. It wasn’t new for him to be harsh with Richie, though. Stan was just tired of every conversation being dominated by Richie. He wanted him to start to think a little about his friends. He was pulled from his thoughts when a sneaker nudged his knee. Stan groaned and was about to tell whoever it was to fuck off, but he was kicked again, harder this time. “I know you aren’t sleeping, Uris.” came Richie’s voice. Stan sighed and pushed himself up on his elbows.

“What did you come to blabber about this time? I was trying to enjoy the only silent time I get.”

“I know shit about my friends.”

“What do you know? That we all pretend to laugh at your jokes?”

Richie was now squatting in front of Stan and he pulled the cigarette from his mouth. Blowing smoke to the side so it didn’t get in Stan’s face, he shook his head. “I know that you and Eddie hate cigarettes. Eddie thinks he’ll get lung cancer from looking at one. You think they’re dirty.”

“Again it doesn’t take a genius to know that.”

“You can identify birds by just their call. You’ve been trying to see a band-tailed pigeon for the last six months. You shower in the mornings because you hate how it feels when your pillow gets wet from your hair. In second grade you carried your bird book around everywhere and when Henry Bowers stepped on it you wanted to cry, but you didn’t. You picked it up and walked away because you knew that crying would only make the situation worse. You hate when it snows because it only reminds you of that time your face was rubbed in the snow and you refuse to walk home alone now.”

Stan was silent, eyes trained on Richie’s as Richie recounted what he knew. Richie paused and tried to gauge Stan’s reaction. When he couldn’t read Stan’s face, he took another drag of his cigarette and continued.

“You pretend to hate comic books but I know you read over my shoulder when we’re all hanging out. You won’t tell us what your favorite band is because you insist that there are much better things to invest your time in but I know you own every Grateful Dead album. You pretend that we’re all too childish but you wish that you could let go like the rest of us. You want to let your guard down and feel like a kid again but you’re so fucking scared of getting hurt that you have to act like you’re an adult.”

“You’re missing something.”

“Is anything good enough for you, Stanley? I know a lot about you. I know you better than I know anyone. I know that when you’re lying you tap your ring finger and your thumb together three times. I know that when you’re happy you bite the inside of your cheek to keep from smiling too wide. When you’re mad you tug at your hair and wrap the curls around your fingers which only makes you angrier because you think it makes you look messy. When you’re sad you like to be close to someone, but you’ll never admit it. You’ll just pout until someone asks you what’s wrong. I can read you like a book and I hate reading.”

“You’re still missing something.”

“What am I missing that you clearly want me to know?”

“How can you tell if I’m in love?”

“You’ve never been in love. You think it’ll distract you from what’s important, but in reality you’re scared of letting yourself be vulnerable to someone. You know that love is a mess and heartbreak is messier. You’re scared of making a mess that you won’t be able to clean up.”

Sitting up, Stan inched closer and pushed Richie’s hand that was holding a cigarette away from the two of them. His eyes flicked down to Richie’s lips before they met his once again. They were magnified by his glasses and Stan wondered how they could possibly already be dirty again. “Some messes need to be made.”

“What are you saying?”

Stan bit his cheek and then laughed softly when he realized that Richie would know exactly what he was doing. Closing his eyes for a moment, Stan took a deep breath and hoped he could inhale courage before he leaned in to gently press his lips against Richie’s chapped lips. He didn’t know how Richie could taste like strawberry soda. The two had been together all day and Stan knew that Richie didn’t drink any strawberry soda.

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