#rw2020 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

exploring-in-space · 4 years

Text

Aching to Come Home

Robron Week 2020 Day 3: Criminal

Summary: After getting out of prison himself, Aaron meets Robert through a prison penpalship.

Note: This is a little bit of a cheat, but I think it still kinda counts haha also this is 100% a real thing, I spent a good chunk of time scrolling through a website about inmates wanting to start a correspondence!

Word count: 4300

In the end, it’s Aaron’s counselor who encourages him to start a pen pal correspondence with someone currently incarcerated. Aaron has just recently been released after spending a year long stretch for GBH, and he’s been seeing his counselor to transition from being in prison into society.

Aaron had heard of people striking up friendships and even relationships through prison pen pals. It was all a bit crazy if you asked Aaron. Still, one particularly bad day, Aaron sits himself down and scrolls the website his counselor gave him. Some are explicit in their desire to have more than friendship, making Aaron exit out of their bio pages quick enough.

Around the time Aaron is about to give up and tell his counselor to do one, he stumbles on a bio page unlike any of the other bios.

The man honestly looks like one of those white collar criminals that Aaron always hated. Especially given the fact his occupation before was an estate manager. But as he reads through the bio, he’s shocked to read that this man, Robert, is carrying out a life sentence. It’s not like other profiles were shy about stating the reason for being incarcerated (in fact, Aaron had quickly learned that some people are actively attracted to people depending on their crime…).

It’s just...this man doesn’t look like a killer. The picture chosen for the bio is not the typical kind of picture that others had posted. Most were pictures of them in the prison yard, or pictures from before prison. Robert’s wasn’t like that. In fact, Aaron couldn’t even tell if it was taken while he was in prison or if it was a pre-prison photo.

Aaron’s curiosity is too great and it compels him to grab a sheet of paper and start writing. He introduces himself and tells Robert he’s writing because he just got out of prison himself. He doesn’t know how much to put in the letter - Aaron doesn’t necessarily want to spill his guts to a total stranger, but he does share his age and why he’d been sent down. The letter looks sloppy with Aaron’s scrawl and he’s ready to just toss it in the bin and call this whole idea stupid and pointless.

But he glances at the site again, and looks at Robert’s picture. He doesn’t know how to explain it, but the piercing gaze of Robert’s eyes somehow convinces him to just send the silly letter.

So he does. Posts it on a Friday evening and Aaron proceeds to get hammered that night, trying to erase the embarrassment he feels at doing something so out of character. Monday morning, he meets with his counselor for his biweekly session. Tells her about the letter he sent and they talk about it for a while.

“What do you hope will come from this?” She asks, crossing her legs and sitting up to take a good look at Aaron’s reaction. He shrugs and picks at his fingernails to ease his nerves.

“Dunno.” Aaron finally answers with a sigh.

She looks at him thoughtfully before carefully uncrossing her legs and leaning forward. “I think you do.”

Aaron doesn’t say anything and she doesn’t press him any further. Lets the statement lie between them, and it works. He thinks about the letter for the rest of the day and well into the week. The picture of Robert’s face burned into his mind.

The rest of the week has Aaron working at the garage. Cain had offered his old job back when Aaron had gotten out and while it took a few days of Aaron debating it, he finally accepted the offer. It’s good to get under the bonnet of different cars. It allows him to not dwell on the letter he sent.

Weeks pass and Aaron doesn’t get a letter back. He stupidly checks the post everyday and gets disappointed every time there’s nothing. He’s not sure why he’s so disappointed. Maybe because deep down, Aaron knows the reason for sending the letter was because he wished someone had reached out to him while he was inside.

It’s around the time Aaron has given up on the idea that Robert would reply that he finally receives it. The front of the envelope shows a neatly written penmanship, the opposite of Aaron’s. Heart racing, Aaron tears the envelope to read the letter.

It’s short, but Robert thanks Aaron for the letter and tells him he hopes they can continue to send letters to one another. He asks Aaron a few questions about himself and offers that he’s from Hotten. It’s an unbelievable coincidence and it makes Aaron wonder if this was fate. He shakes the thought away, the idea too ludicrous to entertain. But he immediately responds to Robert’s letter, eager to share that he’s from Emmerdale.

After the initial lag in response time, Robert starts replying to the letters much more quickly. They can manage to get letters from one another in about two days’ time and Aaron starts to learn about Robert. They touch on some of the things on Robert’s profile: the fact he’s taking classes to get a degree inside, the son he has named Seb, his family that still live in Hotten. And things not part of his bio: the fact he’s bisexual, the worry that he’ll most likely die in prison. It’s incredibly intimate and personal and makes Aaron want to share his own secrets to him.

Aaron doesn’t ask about the reason for Robert’s incarceration - he doesn’t want Robert to feel as though that is his defining characterization. Aaron is of course still curious, and wants to know. But he also respects that part of Robert that remains private, they still don’t know each other that well, despite some of the secrets they divulge to one another. It’s after two months of steady letter sharing before Robert offers it to Aaron unprompted.

I killed a man because he raped my sister. I hit him with a shovel and he later died from it. I don’t regret doing it, I know if given another chance, I’d hit him again. But I never meant for him to die. I pled guilty before he died, hoping that showing guilt would mean a shorter sentence. I hope you don’t think I’m a monster. But I figured it was time you knew.

It’s concise, and it doesn’t beat around the bush. He lays it bare for Aaron to either accept or not. He thinks about Gordon...about Liv. And he knows he would have done something similar if Gordon had even thought about laying a finger on Liv.

The frank honesty makes Aaron want to return the favor. He quickly pulls some paper and writes about Gordon. It’s emotionally wrenching to write about it. Yes, he’s talked about it, and yes he’s testified about it before a court. But to actually write the words? It’s harder than Aaron could imagine. But he does it, and he sends the letter to Robert, more nervous than when he sent that first letter.

Robert's response comes the usual two days later. Nerves fill Aaron as he opens the envelope, afraid of the disgust, or even worse, the pity. But what's in the letter is neither, much to Aaron's surprise.

Thank you for telling me about your dad. You’re braver than I could ever be. Aaron smiles at the words, at the loopy letters of Robert’s handwriting. He talks a little about prison life and answers some of the questions that Aaron had asked in his last letter. But then, there at the end of the letter, written in smaller letters than the rest of the letter:

I want to hear your voice. Can we arrange for me to call you one of these days?

Aaron had never considered them speaking on the phone. Perhaps because it would make this relationship a little more real. He's successfully compartmentalized his letters to Robert and the rest of his life. He knows it's unfair, Robert has nothing else besides prison. Robert has never even asked for a photo of Aaron.

He’s given vague descriptions of himself, like about the time he had gotten a haircut and the barber butchered his fluff at the top of his head. But he knows that’s probably the extent of Aaron offering his personal appearance to Robert. At least Aaron can sometimes go onto that website and gaze at Robert’s face.

You’re braver than I could ever be. Aaron wonders how true that is when he’s hesitating so much to reply and accept Robert’s offer to speak on the phone. But he worries that maybe this correspondence is getting too serious, that Aaron could cross a line he once scoffed at. He likes Robert, quite a bit to be honest. He’s afraid if he accepts and speaks to Robert, it might awaken something Aaron’s kept buried for the past couple of weeks.

Despite all these fears, he still writes his mobile number in his next letter. They arrange for Robert to call Aaron on a Thursday evening, after he’s had his tea and Robert is free to make his call. He sits at his table, squirming and feeling excited and nervous at the same time.

When his phone finally rings, he scrambles to answer the phone, his heart hammering. “Robert?” Aaron asks when he picks the phone up, nerves coiling in his stomach.

“Aaron?” A breath Aaron had been holding exhales when he hears Robert’s voice. It’s soft yet rich. Its timbre sends a small shiver down Aaron’s spine. His voice sounds like it was made to say Aaron’s name.

“Hiya.” Aaron finally says when he realizes it’s been silent on both ends.

“It’s good to hear your voice finally.” Robert confesses softly, and Aaron doesn’t think he’s ever going to tire of this voice. He wonders why he even hesitated for them to speak on the phone.

“Yeah. Yeah, you too.”

It’s silent again, both of them missing their turn to speak, and Aaron starts to worry that maybe this was a mistake. That they should have just stuck to writing letters.

“So...ah, how are you?” Robert finally asks, and it’s tinged with awkwardness. They’ve traded secrets with one another and now they’re struggling to hold a real conversation. Tension that had been tightening in Aaron’s chest eases and he just laughs at the absurdity of it all. It’s infectious enough to cause Robert to laugh alongside Aaron. It becomes less awkward after their laugh and they pick up right where they left off in their letters.

The hour Robert gets is gone faster than Aaron wants it to be. He doesn’t want to hang up, instead, he wants to talk to Robert until his voice gives out. But he knows how other prisoners get when it’s their turn, so they both reluctantly start to say their good-byes.

“We should make this a regular thing, us chattin’.” Robert suggests. Aaron pauses slightly to consider it, but it has Robert quickly adding, “Along with our letters.”

“Yeah. I’d like that.” Aaron agrees with a smile that hadn’t left his face since they’ve started talking. They waffle about for a few more minutes, still not hanging up, before Aaron hears commotion on Robert’s end and the phone call abruptly ends.

Not that Aaron would admit it - he’s not that soft - but letters and phone calls from Robert start to become the best part of Aaron’s life. The little tidbits he gets to share with Robert and the fact he understands the fears Robert has while being in prison are some of the truest moments Aaron has ever been.

Chas comments on Aaron’s improved mood one day, cornering him in the back of the pub.

“What’s his name?” She prompts.

“You what?”

“The bloke that’s making you smile. C’mon Aaron…” She whines, and clasps her hands in a pleading manner.

“There’s no bloke.” Aaron lies, but his mind invariably wanders to the latest letter Robert had sent that sits on his table. She just rolls her eyes and shakes her head, muttering something about how Aaron never tells her anything and he just huffs a small smile. A secret smile. Reserved only for Robert, despite him never seeing it on Aaron’s face.

It goes like that for months, Aaron learns more about Robert’s family, who he rarely sees because Robert doesn’t want them to feel guilty about the fact he’s in prison, about Seb who is growing bigger every time Robert sees him and how Robert worries how unfair it is for a child to see his father in prison. Robert becomes a person who Aaron knows intimately, more than several exes he’s had before. It should scare him, this feeling of affection for a man he’s not properly met. But it doesn’t, he allows himself to feel this flick of happiness through the most unconventional way.

Until one day, Robert is asking whether Aaron would like to have visiting orders.

The question freaks him out. Not because he doesn’t want to meet Robert in person - quite the contrary - but because of the trauma he faced when he was in prison. The memories of Jason and his gang still haunt him months after being released. Robert’s question stuns Aaron and he ends up not responding to it. Days dissolve into weeks and guilt becomes the reason Aaron doesn’t pick up his pen to respond.

Robert calls one evening, and Aaron lets it go to voicemail, shame blooming into his chest. He watches his phone ring and sees when the voicemail notification pops up.

“Hiya Aaron. Hope you’re okay. I haven’t heard from you. I hope I didn’t freak you out with my offer. We can forget about it if you want. I’m sorry.” Robert’s voice is sad, and Aaron’s guilt is all the worse. He’s made that beautiful voice sad.

Aaron lets the guilt fester for a few more days before he finally picks up his pen and finally writes to Robert. He wants to tell him the reasons why he hadn’t responded, why he sometimes falls asleep to Robert’s name on his lips. But instead, he just accepts Robert’s offer for visiting orders.

He has continued his biweekly visits to his counselor, and he tells her about the visiting orders. The visiting orders that now sit on his table, coming a week after Aaron accepted Robert’s offer.

“Are you excited to meet him in person?” She asks curiously.

“I think I love him.” Aaron confesses to her, wringing his hands, wanting to dig his fingernails into his skin and draw blood.

She doesn’t say anything at first, “Do you think he feels the same way?”

Aaron looks at her, and there’s no judgement on her face. It’s what he’s always appreciated about her, the professionalism of masking her emotions. He thinks of the letters, how each one seems longer than the last one, the phone calls where Robert sounds so animated talking to Aaron and the reluctance to hang up, and the sadness of his voice when Aaron didn’t pick up.

“I don’t know.” Aaron replies honestly.

The day Aaron is off to the Isle of Wight, Chas stops him. “Where are ya going?” She asks, eyeing Aaron’s overnight bag with barely concealed curiosity.

“Meeting some mates, that a problem?” Aaron snipes back. He’s still not told her about Robert, thinks she’ll disapprove and throw a fit. To be honest, he’s not really confided to anyone about him and Robert. If Adam had still been around, then maybe he’d know. But it’s a secret that Aaron wants to keep to himself because the last thing he wants is to share Robert with anyone.

“Fine, keep your secrets. But I’ll get it out of you one of these days!” Chas says with a harmless pout.

“Not likely.” Aaron replies, hoisting his overnight back over his shoulder and leaving before Chas can ask him any more questions.

He takes a plane down to the Isle of Wight. The flight is relatively quick, but he couldn’t justify driving the six hours. It gives him a short time to reflect on the path his life has taken. He once thought it was mad that people could fall in love with convicts, maintain actual relationships. And now here he is, six months after he posted his first letter, on a flight to meet someone who clearly means so much to him.

Nerves prickle at Aaron’s skin when he finally is admitted into the visitor’s room. He’s been on the other side of the table so many times, and it of course reminds him of all the bad memories that made Aaron turn to a counselor in the first place. But he tries to put on a brave face, and awaits Robert’s arrival in the uncomfortable chair.

It takes a few moments before prisoners start filtering into the visitor’s room. A few people have come out before Aaron shoots up from his chair when he sees someone who resembles Robert’s photo. His hair isn’t styled in a quaff like the picture, instead it falls a little flat. He wears the prison issued clothes and he looks older and more tired than he did in that fresh photo. But he’s still the most fit person Aaron has ever clapped eyes on.

“Aaron?” Robert asks hesitatingly, standing before Aaron. He's taller than Aaron expected him to be.

“Yeah. Hiya, Robert.”

A sigh escapes Robert, almost in relief or happiness. He grins and actually pulls Aaron into a hug, something Aaron had not been expecting.

“It’s nice to finally put a face to you.” Robert says when he pulls away. “You’re not what I was expecting, to be honest.”

“Disappointed?”

Robert’s eyes drag up and down Aaron’s body in a blatant way that makes the hair on the back of Aaron’s neck stand. Finally his face erupts into an arrogant smirk, “Not at all.”

Aaron flushes red, but takes the flirtiness in stride. They sit down and ease into a harmless conversation. Robert asks Aaron about his trip down, and then it morphs into less small talk and more of their usual banter and conversation.

At one point, Robert laughs at something Aaron says and reaches out to touch Aaron’s hand. Aaron immediately retracts his hands away from Robert, not wanting him to touch him. Robert’s smile drops instantly, a frown replaces it.

“Have I misunderstood us?” He asks quietly, the hurt palpable when all Aaron wants is to touch Robert’s face. The question, though tinged with sadness, dispels Aaron’s initial misgivings before coming down here: Robert sees something between them.

“No, not at all.” Aaron quickly reassures, placing his hands back on the table as a show of goodwill. Aaron hesitates, but eventually tells Robert about Jason. How he was relentless in hounding Aaron, somehow sussing out Aaron was gay, and the torment he faced in the year he was in prison. “I don’t want to give you any hassle.” Aaron finishes with a mumble.

Robert reaches out again and gives Aaron’s hand a squeeze, and this time Aaron doesn’t pull away. “Aaron. I’m in here for murder. Do you think I care what other people think of me?”

Aaron chews at his lip, looking at their linked hands with a sort of fascination. Eventually though, Robert does pull away, before any notices. Robert could talk a big talk, but the fact of the matter was, they both know they need to be careful.

When the guards give a five minute warning, Robert looks forlornly at Aaron, “I want to see you again.”

“I’m here for the weekend, can come back tomorrow, if you want.” Aaron tries to say nonchalantly, but he knows Robert sees right through him.

He smiles and inches his fingers to Aaron, but doesn’t dare to touch him. “I'd like that.”

Aaron visits again the next day, but the visit only serves to confirm Aaron’s fears: he wants more. The phone calls, the letters, the short hourly visits, it’s not enough. He’s promising to visit Robert in two months' time, but it’s not a promise that warms Aaron. He wants to see Robert everyday, lay next to him, trace his face, tell him his deepest secrets and fears, wake up to seeing a disheveled and rumpled Robert. He wants it all.

Life starts to revolve entirely on Robert after that visit. They speak almost daily on the phone, letters still being sent, and Aaron has made it part of his routine to go down to the Isle every other month. They have fights, of course they do. Robert thinks he’s being unfair to Aaron, making him ‘waste’ his life away on someone who might never get out. But if there’s one thing Aaron would admit about himself, it’s that he’s loyal to a fault.

Still, when about a year passes after Aaron first visits, his optimism starts to take a slight toll. How can he keep this up for another twelve years? Aaron wants more. Needs more. Hour long phone calls, letters, and the times he can get down to the Isle...it’s not enough. It can never be enough. Aaron is in love with Robert, but he’s not so much as even kissed him. The hugs they give each other when Aaron visits last a bit too long, but neither of them care. Aaron can’t even write the depth of his feelings to Robert, for fear the letter falls into the wrong hands.

He sometimes feels like a fool for ever penning that first letter. But how can he truly believe that? Meeting Robert, no matter the limited capacity it's been, has been the best thing that has ever happened to Aaron. But Aaron isn’t a patient person, and twelve more years of longing and wanting the impossible dismays him.

When Robert calls that evening, Aaron tells him as much. “I can’t keep this up, I want more.” Aaron whispers it. He knows the phone lines are tapped and he worries confessing this.

“I know.” Robert replies, voice just as soft. “But I’m appealing my sentence. My barrister thinks I can be out soon. They’re confident the appeal will come good.”

Soon. The word holds so much promise but so much ambiguity at the same time. Still, it may be enough for Aaron to hold on. “And then what?”

“Then...maybe, we can give this a proper go, if you want.”

“Then you come home, to me.” Aaron agrees, clutching at his phone uncaring about anyone who might be listening.

“To you.” Robert agrees faintly.

Aaron breathes out a sigh and he’s never felt more in love. It’s probably mad to even try to consider the possibility that Robert can get out early. But hope is a foolish man’s salvation, and Aaron has never considered himself smart.

In the end, it takes another year of fighting appeals and convincing a judge that the initial sentencing was too severe when it was involuntary manslaughter. But Aaron is next to Robert the entire time, supporting him through their letters and the visits down to the Isle. Their phone calls start to become less frequent as Robert speaks to his barrister

The year is filled with Aaron meeting Robert's family in Hoften, shyly introducing himself as Robert's boyfriend. Robert's sister, Vic, welcomes and cries when Aaron explains how the two of them met. He takes to Vic instantly, and he understands better why Robert did what he did. He gets to meet Seb, who is every inch Robert’s son.

But most of all, he gets to tell Robert he loves him in their own language. They’re both careful, but their love for each other is evident in every word in their letters, and the knowing looks and smiles they share when they get to visit in person.

The day Robert is finally released, Aaron stands in the front of the little welcome party that has congregated for Robert’s release. He’s holding five year old Seb’s hand with Diane and Vic standing behind them. Aaron’s heart is in his throat and nerves coil in his gut.

The minutes feel endless and they torment him, feeling as if time has stood still. But finally, finally, Robert walks out of the prison and he takes Aaron’s breath away. Robert is wearing civilian clothes, the first time Aaron has ever seen him in them, and acting on pure instinct, he drops Seb’s hands and rushes to Robert. Robert mirrors his actions and they meet in ght middle, embracing each other, pressing against each other, almost as if to imprint themselves onto each other. There’s tears falling down Aaron’s cheeks that Robert is wiping away, Seb is shouting in glee and Aaron soon feels Seb’s little arms wrapping around the pair of them.

Robert bends down and picks Seb up, giving him a kiss on the cheek. Seb ducks his head into Robert’s neck and Aaron crowds father and son, petting Seb’s hair and looking into Robert’s eyes. Robert leans forward and finally kisses Aaron, and he melts. Seb wriggles in Robert’s arms, Diane and Vic are crying but Aaron doesn’t pay them a single mind, absorbed entirely of the feeling of having the love of his life kiss him for all he’s worth.

“I love you.”

Aaron’s not sure which one of them says it, but it vibrates between them and it’s the truest statement he’s ever known. He knows Robert will similarly have to go to counseling like Aaron, and he’ll have to now adjust to a world where people might judge Robert for the sins of his mistakes. But that’s neither here nor there, all that matters is this moment of feeling Robert’s lips on his own.

Despite the long road they may face, Aaron knows they can weather it, because they’re together and Robert is coming home to Aaron.

#robron week #rw2020 #robert sugden #aaron dingle #robron #robron fic #my writing #my edits #My stuff

112 notes · View notes