#she has her few friends but her friendships are so fulfilling she doesnt want any more | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

guiltypleasurefandomface · 2 years

Text

So basically my point from this morning was that, these fans who believe Freddie was in love with Mary and therefore had to have been bisexual use the song "Love of my Life" as their solid evidence to back up their opinion.

And that's bothered me for days for a few reasons. This post got long so bare with me.

Firstly, because that's what we would call a pop culture source in media studies, and it's a song so it's a piece of art. It's not solid evidence of anything because like any piece of art, songs can have different interpretations. And this isn't English Literature of Media Studies, you can't just get marks for supporting your opinion with an interpretation. This is a real man with a real history. Sometime a rabbit dying in a shipwreck is just rabbits dying in a shipwreck.

But if we look even at the lyrics, it sounds like we have two different 'voices' within the song. The first two thirds of the song the pov character is singing about being hurt and a relationship ending and wanting that relationship how it was to be brought back to them. That's, if anyone, more likely to be Mary's point of view. I'm not sure about the time line but we know he cheated on Mary. We know he thought he was gay before they ended their relationship.

The third third of the song is reassurance that the singer still loves the person they are singing to and will always be there. That's not necessarily the same pov character as earlier. Many songs have more than one character singing, even by the same singer. David Bowie in Space Oddity is probably the famous example.

That second character could be "Freddie" but love in that section doesn't necessarily mean romantic love. Familial love is a thing. Friendship involves love.

It could just be "Mary's point of view" again, too, saying even though you've hurt me I will still be around and love you, with Freddie writing some wish fulfillment there, hoping that he hadnt hurt Mary so badly that she leaves his life completely.

Freddie wrote the song for Mary, yes but he didn't necessarily write it to her to declare his undying love for her. That interpretation just doesnt fit the whole song.

But equally we could just have a song that's universally relatable, or even an unreliable narrator that is an unknown character in the song. Maybe Mary's favourite songs are heartbreaking love songs, and Freddie just simply gifted her a song that he knew she'd like.

If I make my friend a lasagne, and it tastes good, it doesnt make me Italian. It just means I can follow the recipe and I used good ingredients. You know what I mean?

And if we're really going to look at the fact that Freddie had written a lovely song full of emotion as evidence for Freddie being in love with Mary, then- not to throw Maycury shippers under the bus here, especially because I am a Maycury shipper, but maybe we should start really considering Brian was in love with Freddie, given his drive to write songs for Freddie based on thoughts and feelings Freddie might have had or related to.

It's just applying the same logic.

No? Okay.

Lastly, Freddie himself stated multiple times he was gay. And Brian has repeated that fact. Nobody's interpretation matters more than the man's own statement. Also, there is an interview that Roger gave where he's asked about his opinion on gay people and he gave this wonderful but bizarrely worded answer that was something like "One of my gay friends is my best friend" and although he didn't say Freddie, Freddie was his best friend. Process of elimination meets Occam's razor.

And finally, just to really expand on what's bothered me about this insistance that Freddie was in a loving relationship with Mary so therefore couldn't be gay, and by default had to have been bisexual...

There's a post that goes around Tumblr which is basically, sometimes things aren't clear cut in the queer community, with a story of a lesbian having a relationship with a man who everyone thought was sexy. And someone, as the story in the post tells, asked "how does that work if she's a lesbian" - and this person apparently did not change how she identified. And the response from another person in this story was "however the fuck she wants to."

Freddie was gay. Nobody is saying he didn't love Mary. He might have genuinely loved her romantically and sexually at one point, he might have also confused one type of love for another or simply loved the idea of a safe and secure relationship and thought it would fulfill him forever, we will never know. But whatever the nature of their relationship, that doesn't change the fact that cracks occurred in their relationship and Freddie began to explore this part of him. And then, after some inner turmoil and self reflection, found himself happy as a gay man living his life with his gay friends and gay husband (in all but the law), at garden lodge.

The existence of a song doesn't change those facts.

#that's all she wrote #sorry its long #i know im going on about it #that's the last I'll say about it #it just really bothered me and i struggled to put it in to words at first

4 notes · View notes

svankmajerbaby · 4 years

Text

ok so

warrior nun has consumed my brain so here I Will Express My Thots Regarding It

probably spoilers i guess

so what i wanna talk about specifically is about the characters, which is really what sold me on the show (besides the gorgeous cinematography and the fact i went to andalucia on january and i recognize a lot of places and churches ive been to and i love watching it)

so first, of course, Ava: i think shes one of my new favorite characters, ever?? not only does she have Big Bi Vibes, shes actually really good at balancing snarky-coping-mechanism-humor. her narration and flashbacks do a great job at explaining just how much of it she had to use to cope with the awful nun that cared for her in the orphanage; as she said, its "small victories" to mock and insult the woman who verbally abuses her. but, besides that, humour is also a bonding mechanism, too: little is said of Diego, who was Avas closest friend for probably most of her life. it explains to a certain point why she has a bit of a childish side, but it also shows just how empathic she is and her relative ease to make friends. then. theres the issue that some of my favorite types of protagonists are those who may be tortured, may be sheltered (idk) but who manage to keep fighting on, love life and are in awe of it, remain positive and even spread their positivity to others. i really like when these characters have a clear enthusiasm -im so bored of dismissive, snarky, nihilist protagonists -but Ava is like. a ray of sunshine. her happiness at being out of the orphanage, at being free and able to experience everything is so contagious, i kept smiling through the first few episodes. even later in the season she finds the humour in any situation, she remains amazed by what her fellow warriors can do, and just. shes a goddamn delight. i love her and love how she grows from an overexcited teenager running for her life and evading her responsability to accepting her role as a saviour -and even willing to die to stop the cycle of "chosen ones" halo bearers.

and now Mary. my god, Mary. shes just a type of character i hadnt seen before and i didnt know i would love so much. her first appearance is crying as her best friend (and maybe something else??) dies in her arms. for the rest of the series Mary will be characterized as The Badass, a title she readily accepts. but shes also vulnerable and willing to expose herself and her emotions in order to bond with others -while also wary of being manipulated through them, as in the fight on the docks with Lilith. Mary is just a beautiful combination of this softness and kindness that has to be balanced with the fight for survival; she came from such painful places, being forced to struggle to stay alive: and yet she isnt afraid of love, of being loved: she is a realist, deeply aware of the circumstances she is in, but this doesnt deter her from ever doing the moral thing, to protect others, to fight for them and not only for herself. the fact theres a whole episode dedicated to her bonding with Ava, talking about her life and her deeds, makes it obvious to me that she is The character who mostly embodies the values of the Order of the Cruciform Sword -quite ironic, since while she is a member, she isnt one of the ordained nuns. that independence she has kind of defines her character, too -smart enough to know not to trust the church and to also fight alongside her friends for what she believes in.

and so we come to Lilith. the original Chosen One. she exists in a world defined by purpose and sacrifice: she has seen how the Warrior Nuns end up killed, and still she wants this -to be basically a martyr in a "holy war" -because not only is it her birthright, what she had been raised for her entire life, what her family has been doing for generations -but also because it is her purpose. that is her sole destiny, the only thing she sees herself fit for. this doesnt mean she is evil, though, or self-centered. its true that Lilith can be too one-track-minded, to the point of being able to kill; but she clearly views her being the Warrior Nun, the Halo Bearer, as the only way to ensure the continuity of the community and to save the world. her whole life has been consumed by this "holy war"; and, by what Mary said, its something that her pride has been feeding ever since Shannon was chosen instead of her. she should be the one. she should have the honor to suffer and die for the world. and this is her tragedy, to be honest: despite having friends, despite being loved by her fellow nuns, she feels she needs to be this hero for her life to make sense. it has been her entire life. and when someone else took that purpose from her, everything that is left is anger and anguish.

and this is a nice segway to Beatrice, whos just. while Mary is what a Nun of the OCS should be, and Lilith is what she thinks a Nun of the OCS should be, Beatrice is what a Nun of the OCS probably is most of the time. someone who, while not as self sacrificing as Lilith, is completely devoted to her life in the Order. and, as she explains, most of the nuns are much like herself: hiding past lives, cloaking secrets, trying to find a purpose in the community where they can devote their lives to something greater than themselves. its a way of coping, of keeping on, of finding love and friendship and happiness alongside girls like them. but Beatrice is one of those who arent as hidden and reserved: she yearns for understanding, for a friendship that goes deeper than surface level. this is not an attempt to diminish her relationships with her other friends; she displays the capacities of a good leader, and clearly values her fellow nuns. but theres a clear pattern of her shutting off vulnerabilities in order to be the best at what she does -overachieving, in a way -not with the intent of fulfilling a purpose, like Lilith, but to be seen as "good". as she tells Ava in that magnificent scene, Beatrice comes from a conservative background from where she had learnt to hide everything that could be seen as improper, as bad. she fights the hardest and stays the strongest because she cannot let herself fail: if she is exposed, if her flaws are revealed and her emotions uncovered, she risks her place in the community -where she has built her entire life around, where she managed to escape from her previous life. and so her story is one of opening up, of learning to go that extra step and allowing herself to cry, to be soft, to be vulnerable with others, to share her fears instead of masking them.

finally, none of these issues seem to be a problem for Camila. i dont have a lot to say about her because i think shes still got room to grow as a character, but i like how shes simultaneously "the kid" of the group, and the smartest one from a technological standpoint. shes probably the one who finds the OCS a place of friendship and community, just like Beatrice, while also being a place of deep, untapped knowledge. she is very interested in studying the history or the Order, of knowing what is the divinium, of how the Warrior Nun comes to be. she is not afraid to be vulnerable, nor to be honest about her thoughts and feelings: i feel she is the one who closest follows Mary's example. shes just less focused, less trained, less finely tuned as the rest of the nuns. and still she manages to be a really good fighter, so im just really excited to see where her character will go next.

#warrior nun #some other day ill dissect a few other aspects i liked like shot composition and foreshadowing and stuff

3 notes · View notes

andrcs · 4 years

Text

hey friends waddup ! i’m jen , just turned 23 ( n am already feelin it ) , from the gmt-2 tmz , n i go by she/her pronouns . i had about , like , half an hour of sleep today n i’m actually redoing this entire intro because as i was editing the finished version to post it , i accidentally deleted the whole thing n tumblr wouldnt let me have it back ! it’s fine i’m fine :-) anywho i’m gonna let yall go n learn a lil more about our friend andre ! hopefully u like him but if u don’t thats ok bc sometimes i don’t either !!

𝐈. 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐒 :

𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞 : andre harris solomon .

𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞 : n/a .

𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐝𝐚𝐲 : august fourth , 1991 .

𝐳𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐜 𝐬𝐢𝐠𝐧 : leo .

𝐨𝐜𝐜𝐮𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 : cco of solo conglomerate .

𝐈𝐈. 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 :

during the solomon’s dynasty , the family had its fair share of tumbles and quite a few scandals . great uncle abel being arrested after trying to steal half his brother’s fortune was one was a big example . may god bless the traitous bastard’s soul . also cousin denzel , declaring in the middle of thanksgiving dinner he wanted to be a opera singer , of all fucking things , and giving grandpa harrison an almost stroke , could be counted . no matter what , though , nothing prepared the family to watch the solomon fortune’s heiress coming home on her christmas break during her freshman year in college with a baby bump and no father to claim the child she carried .

in the following years , with the slightly judgemental help of all of her closest relatives , but most of all , the never ending support of her parents , gaia solomon managed not only to get her college diploma , enter the family business and help solo grow into the biggest media conglomerate of the western hemisphere , one that had a solid hand over pretty much all aspects of media and entertainment . chances are if you wanted to publish or sign a record label deal or be on a tv show , sooner or later you would encounter someone from solo . but she had also manage to raise with the utmost love and care , no lack of sacrifices , and a healthy amount of ear-pulling , a man she can’t help to be most proud of .

andre solomon never knew who his father was , or cared to . and as far as his mother was concerned , he didn’t have a father . as a child , he never felt like he was missing anything in life , there was no angry void aching to be filled , no painful moments to remember his childhood by . he had been happy . no matter how busy his mom was , she was always loving and attentive whenever she was around , played baseball and football and soccer with him whenever he asked her to , and grandpa harrison was always available if the boy ever needed a guy figure in his life . of course , there were some bumps and bruises along the way , and a pinky finger he never fully got the feeling back , but it was a beautiful , fulfilling childhood .

as a teenager , recently acquainted with a never seen before freedom , and just out of puberty , andre grew more acquainted with getting in trouble . thankfully , nothing like cousin gina , who had to cut off a part of her ear after piercing it by herself with her tenth grade friends . while rambunctious and mischievous , he was always to smart to get caught doing something that could get him in any kind of real trouble , and by then , the family knew that they could trust andre to not be too irresponsible , and even if they didn’t , at least he had both ears intact .

a full grown adult , after getting his marketing degree in northwestern university , andre followed his mother’s footsteps and worked hard to climb the organizational ladder and reach the cco position , becoming one of his grandfather’s valued advisors along the way . these days , he works hard to keep his image clean and his professional life very well separated from his private one , being very succesful at it thus far .

𝐈𝐈𝐈. 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 :

andre can definitely be considered a little bit too cocky in his confidence . he knows his strengths and doesn’t believe in fake humility , always eager to be praised by whatever actions . also very focused , he feels as if he knows exactly what he deserves in all aspects of his life , and doesn’t hesitate to work for it until he’s satisfied .

he is also , however , a very fun loving individual . andre believes in the motto work hard , play hard . and you can definitely find him going on expensive trips to exotic locations or some rich person adventure more often that he’d like to admit . is constantly surrounded by a-list celebrities or clout chasers who attach to him due to his connections into the industry . and as being the center of attention is one of his favorite things , he absolutely adores it .

very , extremely sarcastic and definitely not the most outwardly affectionate person , it takes a lot to get him to soften up , but andre’s also extremely loyal to those he knows are his real friends , and always makes sure that they are with him no matter where he goes and what he gets .

is known to be quite the ladies’ man , and often lives up to the reputation , even though he’s settled down quite happily a few times during his adulthood . he’s not averse to relationships , per say , but also doesnt want to jump in carelessly , specially when he’s not felling the situation . is frequently engaged in some sort of drama with the girls in his life and even though he claims to dislike it , he loves all the attention he gets from them ( ew , i hate him , he’s gross )

𝐈𝐕. 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 :

childhood best friend / chicago native ( 1 / 2 ) : people who’ve known him since before he hit puberty and became cool and who are with him til this very day . they might not be best friends for whatever reason but still are closer than most friendships out there . ( pearl , )

flings / could be past or present : could also range from the silliest to the most angsty stuff , andre definitely has the repertoire for it .

ride or dies ( 2 / 6 ) : truly ride or dies , his closest group of friends , the ppl that are with him no matter where he is and the only people outside his family he’d do whatever for . ( devin , watson )

exes / chicago native ( 2 / 2 ) : i have some ideas about them but lets just say one would have ended in decently good terms and one would not . ( vera , aurora )

friend with interests ( 0 / 2 ) : andre has a lot of ins with the media industry , and this person would definitely have an ulterior motive to hang around him , whether he’s realised it yet or no .

flirtationship ( 1 / 1 ) : first of all i hate that word my GOD but also , would be a kind of thing where they’d both be feeling each other but for some reason things just wouldn’t progress ? ( elissa )

there is a lot more but i’ve just written this thing twice in a row n my brain is currently just 2 neurons barely communicating so i should probably quit while i’m ahead ? but pls message me bc if u want to know some more about andre or come up w plots or just talk about how hot mbj is n how unfair it is that the rpc doesnt gif him nearly enough ? or we could also talk abt something i might be delusional rn so i have a bunch of interesting topics ok bye thanks for sticking around i love uuuu

#░ ▹ 𝙊𝙐𝙏 𝙊𝙁 𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙍𝘼𝘾𝙏𝙀𝙍 / / oh jenny !#wealthyhq:intro #oof this has been a ride ladies n gents #and am i glad to be done with it #also raise ur hand if u have a cousin gina in ur life

17 notes · View notes

reyloner · 6 years

Note

what Reylo fics r u cudrently reading? any u recommended?

okay, so I’ve got a much bigger fic-rec list coming soon on some of my all time faves, but here’s a few fics that I’ve recently read that I absolutely adore.

it takes two to tease | @holyrenperor

The Force connects them when they’re most desperate for each other.

A lovely little one-shot, canon verse, with some feels and a grade a smut. Seriously, highly recommend anything from murakamism!

Head over feet | @ever-so-reylo

They’re not dating for real. Right?

This wonderful wip makes me all giddy and laugh out loud bc, goddamn, it’s just such an amazing au. bc WHO DOESNT love a fake dating trope with a professor/student on top of it. Like, it just… fulfils me in the best way.

The Losers Club | @foxesdance

Rey and Ben are friends. Like. Best friends. Totally platonic. What on earth could ever change that?

This is just… so ridiculously hot and perfect in every way. Like, this fic legit made me fall in love with Ben and Rey ALL OVER AGAIN and… just damn. THE FREAKING BUILD UP TO THE SMUT – it was just genius. Many thanks to this amazing author!

Written on the Heart | @midnightbluefox

Rey Kenobi spends her days trying to focus on her classes, working at the on-campus cafe to pay off her crippling student debt, and hopefully beating irritating and entitled Ben Solo in a contest for a scholarship and writing job she’s always dreamed of.

But in her free time, she’s KiraofJakku, an online writer and member of a Discord writing group, struggling to balance her college career and passion for fiction. When she finally works up the nerve to message her favorite author and fellow Discord member, KyloRen, an unlikely friendship blooms.

One chapter in and I’m already so in love with this fic! Like, it’s lowkey an enemies to lovers BUT they already online lovers… mind blown. I’m absolute trash for it!

Boon | @rebelrebelreylo

Three text messages changed Clyde Logan’s life forever.

Are you being harassed by a federal agent?

Does she have brown hair, horse teeth, and a stick up her ass?

Leave now, Clyde.

Okay, maybe four.The Resistance is on your side.

I’m AN ABSOLUTE WHORE for some reylogan and this is no exception. I was instantly hooked when I read the first chapter and DAMN, i cannot wait to read more.

Dear Kylo Ren | @j-dryless

After helping a rich man out with his car, Rey receives the opportunity of a lifetime. Rey accepts, even if she’s forced to write letters by hand (who on earth still does that?!) to the enigmatic Kylo Ren.

THIS AU IS SO DAMN GOOD, LIKE. oh my goshhh, Kylo is such an ass BUT a lovable one and I’m legit cheering Rey on to roast him in her letters while also complimenting his handwriting… and Mitaka. SWEET, SWEET MITAKA NEEDS TO BE SAVED real quick. So amazing!!

The Finer Points | @loveofescapism

Prince Ben Solo has a reputation in the country of Alderaan for being a drunk, a gambler and most importantly; a womanizer. However, when tragedy strikes, he now has to take the throne as King and find himself a wife to rule by his side. Enter Lady Rey, his childhood friend and a woman who won’t stand for any of indiscretions… or I have written a Victoria AU, with a switch up that involves Ben asking a prostitute for sex tips as he is actually a virgin and wants to please his wife to be.

I’m sorry, BUT A VICTORIA AU??? PIANO SEX?? bitch, she tickling my ivories (or is it ovaries with ben solo and dem hands on those keys?). BUT FORREAL, this is just… so damn good. Like, Prince Ben Solo so against marriage until he falls in love with Rey by one damn glance. GOD, i could legit scream about this forever! PLEASE READ AND SCREAM WITH

Among the Ash-Heaps and Farce | @rakefiree

In the corporate world, everyone is someone else’s bitch. And, in order to climb to the top, you have to find the right master to slave away for. Dopheld Mitaka is Kylo Ren’s bitch and the bitch has chosen right.

Until one day, Rey Niima happens.

THIS FIC IS SO HEARTWARMING AND WELL LEAVE YOU SMILING FOR DAYS AND CACKLE OUT LOUD – it’s such an amazing concept that is executed perfectly, I LOVE IT with all my heart!!

Secret Admirers | @reylocalligraphy

When Rey transfers into Ben’s high school, he is instantly intrigued. Unfortunately, his fat mouth simply cannot shut up in her presence.

This fic is so amazing and heartwarming, and GOD, it totally owns my ass but… what really gets me is the absolute dedication Catey put into making this! How much research she put into the Australian education system, THE CANTEEN LINE THAT WENT ON FOR LITERAL YEARS, pizza fridays that were the reason I was broke in HS… all of it was so perfect and damnn, this fic needs to be read ASAP if you haven’t. Like, if you’re curious on an australian HS au, this is a brilliant read – believe me.

And, you know… it also features my OTP… Ruby/Jar Jar – reyloner ain’t so lonely anymore!

Offside | @sciosophia

“Go on,” Ben tells her, prodding at the wound he seems to be asking her to open. Tell me the honest truth. I want to know what you think of my game. His voice, now, is soft. If it weren’t public information, she’d never have guessed he has a reputation for a temper. “There’s more to say. So say it.”

…or, Ben is the world’s most famous soccer player, Rey is the captain of the England women’s team, and they are unhelpfully attracted to one another.

Read this earlier tonight (or rather morning, bc it’s 5am whoops, time flies with fic) and just… wow. It was so spectacular – truly every word was perfect and amazing and DAMN I loved everything about it. Brought up some cool childhood memories of playing football and, wow, just… the build up to the end was incredible. Just an amazing one-shot that I SERIOUSLY recommend to everyone.

ALRIGHT. THATS IT. IM DONE.

but there’s a much bigger list on the way, so… get ready for some good fkn fic.

#reylo #reylo fic rec #reylo fanfiction #reylo fanfic #reylo au #rey of jakku #ben solo #kylo ren

294 notes · View notes

masterturner · 5 years

Text

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still. im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time. i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull. the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly. i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward. i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too? i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking. maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was. it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow. and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different. it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable. maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt. i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it. i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else? even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that. i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish. why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt. i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place. there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow. but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year. since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all? did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now? i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know. eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess. she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far. it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain. ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep. but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining? i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though. but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same

#do not reblog this

2 notes · View notes

speakuplove · 4 years

Text

Better an “oops ”.. than a “what if”.

**After an eventful week full of emotions and things brought to my attention, I have so much to share. I honestly do not know where to start, but I know I need to. **

We can all agree that when we go through tough times, we all think back on things we did or didn’t do and wonder what/where/how things went wrong. Whether it be relationships, friendships, work, etc. We are human. We are flawed. And sometimes our actions or words may not send the message we intended to send to someone. Kinda like when we text. We say something, but the receiving party reads it in a way you didn’t intend to sound to them. But then there are times we say or do things intending to make an impact or set boundary and the other person will do everything in their power to ignore it and just plainly not give a crap.

For the last year and a half, I allowed someone to be put on a pedestal in my life. I allowed their pain, fears, doubts to become my own. I tried to shield them from everything and anything that could hurt them. Which included taking second seat to other women from the past or present. I tried to show love and understanding. I listened to their pain and felt it. It broke my heart when they finally opened up and shared what their heart was truly feeling. Whether is was past relationships, family, friends.. any pain they felt they shared. And the person I am is a fixer. An empath. I wanted so badly to love them hard enough that they never had to shed another tear, never had another fear of history repeating, or felt another feeling of unworthiness. Because the person I saw in that moment was so broken and hurting, but also so beautiful and special, they had purpose and such an amazing soul. I put the fears of them leaving me, because of their pain, aside and did what I felt I needed to to put them back together. I put them above myself. I was fine with that, aren’t you suppose to be selfless in a relationship?

I remember a certain night, laying in bed wondering what God’s plan was here. I loved them unconditionally. I stood by their side even when I was left for someone else. Only to watch that crash and burn and have them knocking on my door again a day later. Full of regret and asking for forgiveness. Which I did. I forgave. I tried to stand my ground and let them know what hurt the most, what I wouldn’t tolerate again and how I missed them all in the same breath. Things would be fine for a few weeks, but in the back of my mind I tried to erase any doubt I had that it would last. Always worried that it would happen again if someone prettier or closer his their age came across his phone screen on that blasted facebook. I wanted so bad to be all they saw, all they wanted.

And you guessed it right, they left again. And came back. And left. Yes I know you will get only what you allow. But when does our kindness and love and commitment ever play a part in their decision making?? Does it always have to be that we are never considered? Do they feel remorse for hurting us? I would like to believe that what I have been to them was noticed. But it seemed the only things that played in their minds were all the wrong others did, which kept them from cherishing what I brought to the table. I take forever to give up on anyone. I fight til I can’t anymore. That is with anyone I know in life. But more so for people I am with. Like I shared before, I am a hopeless romantic. So I was confused on how the person who left me a note with a hand picked flower on my car while I was at work asking if I liked him and wanted to date him could be the same person that wanted to keep breaking my heart. I wondered if I could do or say somethinggggg strong enough to make an impact on their heart it would maybe crush the memories that haunt them of the ones before, and they would finally fall to their knees and look at me for who I am. For what I have endured during this time. Standing by their side through the good, bad and ugly. Because I knew in my heart the same person who cried and held me telling me they loved me so much, was so sorry for what they did to me, and would spend the rest of his life making up for the pain he put me through.. that was the real person they were. I wanted so desperately to believe the demons that clouded his judgement so frequently would eventually be gone for good and the love I would experience with them would stick. And last forever. They were WORTH it.

I always say, “say what you mean, and mean what you say”. I am a big believer in that, even tho I have failed many times and said things I didn’t mean. Not in the least. Again, us humans are flawed. I have no excuses. I do know its a flaw of mine. But what I know I would never do is give false hope to someone about something they desired more than anything in this world. Most of you do not know this, and those who know me who are reading you know details I would share on here. I am a single mom to a daughter who deserves to have a family. Her father committed suicide years ago, and since it has impacted her life by wondering who would fill his spot. As much as we weren’t apart of each others lives like most co parenting stories you have heard, she is aware that her biological father is gone and she doesnt have that option of growing up with him in her life anymore. The desire for her and I to have a father figure for her in this household is something we pray over a lot. As a parent, and having to fill that void for her as best I can, I sometimes feel as tho I have failed her. But I do know her father and I did make peace before he passed. And even tho it does not replace the pain I feel knowing he is gone, I do feel as tho I need to make him proud by finding someone who would love her the way he did.

Marriage is not to be taken lightly. I have never been married. I do not have that experience under my belt. But what I want so badly is to be with someone who will be exactly what we need and what is missing in our home. This last year was hopeful. As much as there were so many nights of doubts and pain, sleepless nights crying myself to sleep praying, I know that the good outweighed the bad until it just didn’t anymore. I was told they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. I mean just weeks ago, we discussed building a house. Down to the details of drawing up floor plans, including games rooms, a man cave, and an open wall for me to paint a decal of our shared last name. We discussed rings, possible time period for a wedding, the whole nine. Virtual try on of rings online, and promises it would happen “whether I like it or not, just be patient with me” didn’t hold true in the end. The six months before this extensive planning were rough. But now they were out of town working, and we believed absence made our hearts stronger and more focused and for the first time in our relationship it felt sincere. Secure. REAL.

Months went by and we stayed in our bubble. They came home. Shared such special memories I will always cherish. Celebrate my 30th birthday in style and felt my life was complete with them in it. Until the send out to the next job. They left. Drove 12 hours away to Florida and promised it would be ok because we belonged together. Assured me things would not change. It was going to be the same as the last job. I would be flown out again, and they would come down for Christmas. Only things didn’t go as planned. Didn’t take but a week apart for them to start their doubts again. I wondered if the amazing time we had when they were home was painful to remember and know the truth is it would be a while before they had that again with me. They would be alone. Missing me. Unable to feel my touch or kiss me when they wanted. Wouldn’t be able to roll over and pull me closer while we slept. I tried to find the pain in them to lead to me understanding of the abrupt dismissal of me. And just like that. I was single. Feeling worthless. And wondering if everything we overcame was a lie.

Weeks have passed and I have seen/heard/told of others (emphasis on that S) that have been where I should be. In the arms of someone who told me they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. The flood of doubts of myself came pouring in. It felt like I was dead weight. How was it so easy to sleep with someone else? Did they think of me at all? Did they cry after that female left, knowing it didn’t fulfill anything I ever was for them and it was a mistake? Or was it just tossed our of their mind and they forced themselves to sleep before the regret became so intense they couldn’t breath? Because on my side of that situation, I felt ugly. I felt worthless. I felt like a JOKE. How can this happen? The thought of giving myself to someone else, no matter the status of us.. no matter that we were broken up or mad at one another.. it didn’t matter. Because I still loved them. So the simple thought of showing that affection and love to another person who wasn’t them, MADE ME PHYSICALLY SICK. Yes I know men think with the other head. Excuse me... BOYS do that. Men who know what they have and dont want to lose the woman who has stood by their side through everything, wouldn’t try to pursue a stranger until they knew that it was over. The dust hadn’t even settled and someone else was already in my spot. What the hell?

I have gone over every possible thing I could have done differently. And the only thing I can think of is I should have walked away a long time ago. Not meaning they didn’t necessarily deserve the love they received from me, because partially they dont. Because they did. Everyone deserves to be loved right? I know I made a positive impact in his life, no matter what horrible things we have said and done to one another out of anger. My confusion comes from the present, theirs come from the past which affects their present. I can sit here and make excuses for them. But it all boils down to they cannot grasp the woman I am , it’s too much for them. Maybe you can say they aren’t man enough to handle it. And apparently they believe they only deserve meaningless flings and loveless sexual encounters. I was not wrong for loving someone who was incapable of loving me the way I deserve or themselves for that matter. I knew what I saw in them was worth staying as long as I did. And knowing I should have walked away, if I could do it over again I probably would do the same things over. Because I don’t regret them, I don’t regret loving them thru things we went thru, and I sincerely Iove and believe in the good I KNOW is in there. Even tho they refuse to tap into it and be a better person consistently. I look back and know the only changes I would for sure make if I could is how I lashed out in anger. Saying things I knew would hurt them like they were hurting me. I couldn’t and never did cheat, or try to. I tackled all the “what ifs” head on and left no stone unturned. I fought the good fight for the man I wanted to truly spend the rest of my life with. And maybe God will perform a miracle. Maybe we will cross paths again after we do some growing up. But if anything, it can all be chalked up to: I loved fiercely and showed my loyalty to the fullest. I just could have loved the wrong one. OOPS.

#love #believe #things happen #do over #no regrets

0 notes

amuelle · 5 years

Text

Surprise, surprise…YOU ARE the poison.

We are officially in 2019. All the people who were being cut off in 2019 have been cut off. You might just be the toxic person and now you have to deal with knowing you aren’t that great. As I just found out recently….

(Names were changed in the production of this post to protect the identity of participants…but she knows who she is and I’m not sorry….)

I think it’s important to maintain relationship and it’s not difficult to do. I’ve always prided myself on being a great communicator and maintaining relationships. I know I’m not the easiest person to love or get to know. It also takes a lot to get past my initial ‘hard’ exterior. Deep down inside past the sarcasm and smart mount…I’m really a sweetheart….Really. Its something I have complete security in. I know this about myself, I am a great communicator and friend. I was absolutely certain about it but I recently found out that that is not the experience that everyone has had with me. I rarely make new friends, however on occasion you meet someone who can make a valuable contribution to your life in the form of a new friend. I met this one lady – Lola, a long time ago when we were kids. We only became friends when a mutual friend reintroduced us in our 20s. We became a girl gang who hung out every weekend and grew close over a few years and it was a great time.

Part of adulating is accepting you aren’t always a ray of sunshine, you too can be a trash human being at times. Just because you don’t think something about yourself or are convinced you are a great human being that doesn’t make it true. Let me make a personal example – I know I’m loving and know how to show love. Just because I think I’m loving that doesn’t mean that everyone in my life agrees with that. It doesn’t also mean that that’s how they experience me. My belief that I’m loving doesn’t negate the negative experiences people have had with me.

Recently….well not recently, Lola cut me off a long time ago but my slow ass only caught off after actually confronting the issue with her. We had a spat and I still admit I acted like a dick and I apologised for it when I realised where I had gone wrong. I apologised profusely. I apologised like I was Ruben Studdard and it was 2004, like Kobe did when he was caught cheating….I APOLOGISED…On more than one occasion and I thought we were solid but this was not the case. After noticing her distance herself I decided to reach out because maybe she was just living her life and still wanted to be homies. She didn’t respond to my text and I started to worry but I didn’t have the courage to address it. So it persisted to bother me and finally I reached out again and still no response but this time a bitch had some balls and asked why I was being ghosted. She finally responded saying “Because you are ill-tempered and thus incapable of communicating your hurt without being hurtful or catty to other people. This is my experience of you and I would rather not deal with that kind of energy”

(ROW OF SHOCKED EMOJIS AND SIDE EYE)

(THIIIIIIS BITCH)

I’ll admit that I was shocked and I wanted to further engage in the conversation but then it HIT me, she was right. In this specific scenario I was the poison. I had been a dick to her and she didn’t want to deal with me which was super fair. Did I agree with her a hundred percent, no not at all (let’s say vehemently disagree because I’m fucking awesome) but that didn’t matter because for her she had decided and she had cut me off.

I’ve seen that meme all over the socials about how if I’m the poison in your life don’t feel bad about cutting me off, we are grown and self care is important and blah blah blah….ABSOLUTE SHIYYYYTE! That shit hurts. It hurts, you will feel blindsided especially if you thought the issue was resolved. You may or may not get mad and you might want to act in the exact way that you got cut off in the first place. And that is EXACTLY what I did…..I totally did. I let my lil ill-tempered ass get to work. She clearly hadn’t thought it was of any value to notify me she didn’t want to be friends anymore and I wasn’t about to beg another woman like she gives me rounds. If I hadn’t apologised sincerely more than once I would get it but alas we were here now and a bitch got pride. After she gave me the answer I needed I also ghosted her. Then proceeded to delete her off ALL social media, whatsapp groups, deleted the reminder for her little birthday… I was all DELETE, no pause!

The deleting was definitely a knee jerk reaction. However I am NOT willing to swallow my pride and go back to talking to her about it because I am the POISON. It doesn’t mean I should just lay down and die. What exactly would I be trying to negotiate there???? I’ll tell you what, NOTHING!!!! Not one thing because she doesn’t want my friendship and that’s not a bad thing at all. Effectively, this person just said she wants nothing to do with me and that means everything relating to our former friendship had to change. I couldn’t be the only one in it and by keeping her number and keeping her on social media was just that. It’s a break up, break ups suck but they also teach you things. I am ill-tempered and don’t communicate well when I’m hurt.…BUT WHO DOES??? How many people can say at the height of experiencing the emotions that come with betrayal or an invasion of their privacy they will talk in a calm rational and thoughtful manner? I can’t say that for myself. In fact the person who can communicate their hurt that way, I’d like to meet. I’d like to shake their hand, sponsor their life and follow them like people used to follow The Grateful Dead….. (And I’m serious!) As for being catty…shiiiiiit….I wrote that book, wrote the movie adaptation, executive produced the sound track and there is talk of a theater production. Yes, YES, YES she was right.

It takes a minuet for you to realise that your feelings are making you act a certain way. That certain way might make you not to be the most gracious human being. That said that text made me feel like I hadn’t grown, changed or learnt anything since. She drew a conclusion and it was a fair one because that was her experience. I don’t have to like it for it to be true. I am NOW not quick to be a dick but that doesn’t mean irrevocable damage wasn’t already done. I don’t dispute that at all and nor do I wanna change her mind. I’m only human and I made a mistakes. Just because you apologise it doesn’t mean the other person is obligated to accept your apology. Not only that, they are not obligated to try grow through something with you. They don’t owe you anything….(let that sink in, lets also repeat it for the people who read and don’t absorb immediately…..NO ONE OWES YOU A DAMN THING!)

Now rudely awoken to my toxic traits I am obligated to do better. My problem is/was that I need to use my words better at all times, especially when I’m upset. It’s not fair to lash out but it’s also impossible to gauge how you will react when your privacy is invaded or you feel betrayed. We all have knee jerk reactions and sometimes it hurts the people around us. BUT!!!!!!!! And this is a big BUTT… I mean stripper from Atlanta round and brown big. You are HUMAN!!! You will make mistakes and if you don’t grow from them then you deserve to be cut off and then cut off again coz you know better but don’t do better.

Someone can experience you in a certain phase of your life and assume that’s who you are. That’s who you were at that moment maybe when you aren’t heated you aren’t that person. That doesn’t matter. How many of us go back to the stove to get burnt some more after having been burnt? You won’t go back to get brunt again, but you still need to use the stove to cook. You just now need to be more careful. It’s crazy and irrational to think someone would see poisonous traits in you and stick around to see IF you change. There is no guarantee that once the issue has been raised and apologies exchanged that you will change. If they don’t give you the chance to show them you have changed, you aren’t their lover and even if you were they have every right to still leave you if you are not fulfilling your mandate. Don’t be selfish enough to think anyone is obligated to put up with your torture.

Torture yourself and let the rest of us LIVE!!! That said in this situation since I am the poison I have to understand that I was the weakest link. Even though I felt slated because in her other friendships she had given chances and let others change and grow to be better. In our situation maybe she reached her breaking point quicker or our friendship wasn’t that important to her such that we could try work through things. I’ve decided to KTSE( Keep The Same Energy). If you don’t want to try with me I’m not going to try convince you I am worth it. I already know I am (wow that whole paragraph sounds so defensive….oh well)

At this point It’s not about loses and gains, it’s all about peace of mind. Lola did what she had to do. By asking and her telling me she is done with me, it gave me what I needed too. I’m solid right now. I absolutely prefer this to the purgatory of a one side friendship. I know better now and my intension is to always be cognisant of the way I deliver a message even when I’m hurt. You have been cut off for a reason and that reason should be a starting point for you being a better human being.

At the time of writing this I hadn’t seen her in a LONG LONG time. When I finally did, I was with a mutual friend and I avoided her like the plague. If I saw her left, I went right, like I was playing ‘you can’t catch me’ and that was the ill-tempered petty in me…I feel fine about it because it’s good to know we are nothing to each other. I am also grateful she showed me that I need to do better and I intend to do so.

0 notes

insidiousflame · 7 years

Text

I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. Ha. Doesn’t everyone say that? Well, in my world, its true. In fact, he trumps any other friend i’ve ever had too. Our relationship has always been so smooth and easy. Like every relationship, we’ve had our bumps in the road in the start. But we are both so appreciative, sensitive and respectful of one another. But anyway, he organized a surprise party for my 23rd birthday. At first I didn’t even realize it was all his doing. I was so confused, surprised, and just...confused. haha No one has ever done anything like that for me before and I never ever expected it to happen. I didn’t think the circumstance would happen. I don’t have any local friends except for kind aquaintances. Even if there was only a few people....the whole idea of them participating and planning it all for me...it made me cry. I had to fight back my tears of course i didnt want to cry infront of everyone. haha It helped a little. Cause I was feeling so, uncontrollably sad after my birthday. I just felt like “dust in the wind”. I so very appreciated my mother’s efforts for putting together my dinner and desert. To have my family there....But i felt like...nobody really actually cared. I mean, i know my parents have an abundance of love for me. But with my siblings..It was just all treated as some kind of different motion that was happening. But what did i expect? I don’t engage with them at all. I wanted to spend it with treating myself and my two closest loved ones to a fun day out where we could all have fun...but....that didnt happen. For some reason i’ve kinda felt invisible. I felt like i was disappearing. I guess i kinda have been. I’m shy...and i shove people out of my life if they make me at all uncomfortable. I don’t communicate with others much unless situations permit. I don’t get out. Ive been stuck in my own little world. Not at all what it used to be. I used to have lots of people around me. I used to get lots of people acknowledging me and thinking of me as their friend. It’s different now. Now i feel like...i dont deserve anything anyone does for me. I feel like anything wonderful they do was a burden even though its silly to think that. I start to feel bad in a way. Like I can’t appreciate them enough. I can’t be happy enough. I can’t show it enough. I just feel insignificant. Chris makes me feel so loved. Besides being my lover, he is also of course my closest friend. Kinda feels like my only friend. Sarah hasnt been talking to me much at all. I understand shes busy but....she doesnt even make effort to talk to me anymore. At least it feels that way with her constant pattern of abstence in my life. I feel somewhat responsible myself. As if I should try to really put together a time to meet up again but...she’s been so ill and busy. And I’ve been poor and busy myself so it all just....but still. And I know i have people i can consider friends online. But it doesnt feel the same. Of course it doesnt feel the same as having a physical face to face friendship. Someone to be able to see and hang out with and really actually bond with. Therefore, i do feel....alone. Without anyone. That I’m just kinda.....there. It must be my fault though. The way I am. But at the same time, i would also rather spend all my time with Chris. The person I love the most. The person who knows me and loves me the most. I’m 23. hm.. Life is so much different than i couldve ever thought it to be. I’ve learned to stop having expectations for life. I can have my visions and general ideas of what i would like but ultimately....its up to God and my fate. When I was 13 i was so sure id be an idol. A singer. Famous. Have a career making my own music or whatever. Being an actress maybe too. I thought by 23 I would be living the highlight of my career. Everything would be great. Boy. Jokes on me. I still feel young. I still don’t feel like an adult. I don’t think anyone ever really “grows up”. We’re all just kids learning from mistakes and trying to make this life thing work. Trying to figure out the game. All I am capable of doing, is doing my best to follow my heart. That’s all I got now. Because working a normal job like the majority of the planet....can’t be me. I suffer there. I wither. Please, God. I hope and pray that this is the age, the year, where everything starts to lay itself out before me (and chris too). That i discover my true path to fulfillment and happiness. To surviving and making a meaninglful, wealthy and healthy living in this world.

0 notes