#so hopefully this doesn’t suck

[hrryshoney]

girlie getting stressed or overstimulated and matty gives her foot, head, back, boob massage then starts fingering her<3

anon i think this is the greatest idea i’ve ever heard. yes, you are so genius.

You came in the door and immediately dropped your bag on the floor. A sigh falling from your lips as you kicked off your shoes and shrugged off your sweater. To say you had a bad day would be a gross understatement. Everyone at your job was aggravating you, and you couldn’t take another day of it.

You had to hide away in the bathroom earlier so you didn’t cry from anger, and now you just wanted to decompress. As you stepped into the living room, you saw Matty scrolling on his phone laid out on the couch. When he heard your footsteps approach, he immediately sat up. Putting his phone down, opening his arms for a hug.

You all but ran to him, immediately collapsing into his arms and wrapping your own around him. “Hi, love.” He squeezed you into the embrace, feeling you melt into him. He took his hand and rubbed the back of your head. “Everything alright?” Matty’s lips were close to your ear, and you could feel his breath fan across your face. You shook your head, and he poured before pressing a kiss to your temple. “What’s wrong, angel?”

“Oh, don’t get me started. Everything is wrong.” You let your forehead rest on Matty’s shoulder and closed your eyes. You didn’t care if you were being dramatic. You had a horrible day, and a horrible week at this point. All you wanted to do was turn your brain off and relax. “And my boss is a dick. I’m so over it. I need a spa day or some shit.” You chuckled through your sigh, at least trying to find some humor in the situation.

Matty pulls away from you, pressing kisses all over your face. “You know,” He starts, positioning you between his legs. His hands found their place on your shoulders, pressing into your pressure points with his thumbs. “I’ve been told I’m very good with my hands. Could be your personal masseuse.” You find yourself nodding your head already, succumbing to how good his hands feel on you. Practically melting your stress away.

Matty’s strong hands rub across the expanse of your shoulders and neck, fingers even coming up to massage your temples. You have your eyes closed, simply enjoying what he’s giving you. He flipped you over on the couch, straddling your waist so he could spot even more pressure on your back. Eventually, you ended up with your shirt lifted. Matty’s hands working on your bare skin.

“Feels good. Can you work the middle of my back?” Your words were muddled from your face pressed against the couch cushion. Matty could still make out your request, though. He bunched your shirt up even more so that most of your back was out. He got his hands back on you, pressing down with the palms of his hands.

After a while you felt his movements halt, and Matty stirring behind you. He spoke up, “Can I unclip your bra? Just so it’s more comfy, you know.” His fingers toyed with the clasp of your bra, other hand still rubbing soothing circles on your lower back. You let out an appreciative noise.

You nodded your confirmation almost instantly. “Yeah, whatever works. Don’t mind.” Your body practically deflated when Matty’s hands deftly unclipped your bra with little struggle. He pulled it out from under you, discarding it to somewhere on the floor. You felt like you could breathe again, and your shoulders were able to relax. His thumbs smoothed the indents that your bra had left on your skin.

As you lay on the couch, Matty’s hands started to sneak around the sides of your body. You felt his fingers crawl up the mounds of your breasts. He pressed lightly into the sides, the soft skin molding under his touch. His palms were basically cupping your breasts now, and you gasped at the stimulation on your nipples. His fingers skillfully stroked the skin around your areolas. “Pretty girls should never have to be stressed. Only worry you should have is my hands on your body.” Matty rolled your nipples between either of his thumb and index finger.

He squeezed your boobs again, and you moaned out beneath him. You could feel Matty’s strong thighs squeeze your sides at the noise you made. He continued to rub your breasts, hands occasionally slipping upward or downward. Allowing himself to rub your upper chest and neck, and the area right under your boobs. “So, so perfect.” He leaned down, pressing a kiss to your mid back.

“More, please.” You arched your back into his touch, the stimulation on your nipples igniting arousal between your thighs. You felt Matty’s weight disappear from your back. The next thing you knew, he was on his knees in front of you.

“C’mon, then. Sit up for me.” You obeyed, getting in sitting position on the couch. You felt vulnerable, top and bra already off as Matty was infront of you fully clothed. The feeling doubled when he began to slide your sweats off your body. You were left in your simple panties now, Matty not even paying them any mind. He started massaging your calves and thighs, then working his way down to your feet.

As he rubbed your legs, you tried (and failed) to hide the fact that you were squeezing your thighs together. Your nipples were still hard from his earlier attention, and he kept rubbing dangerously close to your inner thighs. Though, of course Matty knew. He was holding your legs in his hands, and he could feel the way your muscles flexed under his touch. “Matty, please.”

“What, baby?” He smirked, leaving in to kiss your upper thigh. You could feel the teasing smile against your skin, and you could hear it in his tone. “Need me to make everything better? Make you so dumb, only thing you can think about is me?” His fingers gripped your thighs harder, dancing closer to the waistband of your panties. You held back from bucking your hips, instead squirming on the couch. You nodded your head profusely.

“Yes, please.” You let your head hit the back of the couch, closing your eyes tightly. “I need it so bad, need you so bad.” You bit your lip so hard you thought it’d bleed. Matty’s fingers were now circling the crotch of your underwear. You couldn’t stop the mind from slipping out of your mouth. You were sure there was a wet spot forming. You whined through gritted teeth. “Please, Matty. Need to feel good, you’re the only one who gets me there.” At that, his thumb comes to press down on top of your bundle of nerves above your panties. Your hips grind up into his fingers, trying to relieve the pulsing in your clit.

Matty moves his palm up your stomach, fiddling with the elastic of your waistband so he can push his hand beneath your panties. You let your knees fall open, giving him access to the bare sensitive mound between your thighs. He feels the warm heat radiating off your cunt as he cups his hand on your sex. You jolt against the couch, and Matty lets out a breath of his own as he slides his middle fingers through your tight slit.

You squirm as he runs his fingers through your folds, his thick fingers rubbing through your slit to find your bundle of nerves. Searching to strike your clit so he has your dripping down his hand.

Matty can feel how slick you are, and he draws tight circles on your clit. His fingers feel like heaven, and you let your mouth fall open to let out the loud moans you’ve been holding back. Your body writhes as you suddenly feel another one of his fingers join the other, gravitating towards your hole. His fingers meet at your entrance, sliding inside of you to stretch you out.

Your hips meet the rhythm of his hand, meeting the thrusts he’s making with his fingers. The calluses on his fingers creating an even more delicious friction. “That’s it. Lemme fuck you dumb, let that brain leak out through your cunt. Shouldn’t even have to work, right baby?” He groans, letting his cheek rest on your thigh. The cool skin making you gasp as it comes in contact with your warm body. “Yeah, should just stay home and get your pussy stuffed all day.”

The warmth forming in your abdomen was starting to go throughout your entire body. You could feel the white hot pleasure permeating your senses. “Matty, please. Need it so fucking bad.” You stuttered out through ragged breaths, his fingers never stopping their assault. Your voice coming out as a raw whine. Matty’s hand pressed down roughly on your clit. His two fingers continued to stretch your hole. “Don’t stop, I’m so close.”

Matty’s pupils were completely dilated. His face was so close to your pussy, and he watched as his own fingers worked you to an orgasm. Matty blew out a puff of air from his lips, making you shiver as you felt it fan across your cunt. Your walls clenched around his fingers. “I’ve got you, baby. Breathe. Cum for me, let go.”

His words pushed you over, the gravel in his voice making your toes curl. Your orgasm racked through your body with a shudder, and you squirmed as he fucked you through it with his fingers. Your orgasm was pulsing relentlessly, and Matty’s fingers wouldn’t stop moving. When you finally stop shivering, Matty pulls his fingers out of you and instantly brings them to his mouth. Licking your juices off his digits.

You looked at him, surely looking like you got struck by lightning. He took a lot out of you, and it really was unwinding. Matty got off his knees, bending to kiss your forehead. You looked down at the very obvious tent in his pants, but he rubbed your shoulder. “Gonna go run us a bath, angel. Join me when you’re ready.” His hand came to your chin, pulling you in for a kiss that you happily reciprocated.

#matty healy x reader #matty healy blurb #matty healy smut #i just wanted to get this out tonight :) #bc i’m working on another blurb #and my wip (both gyno :)) #so hopefully this doesn’t suck #but i lowk like it

[ofthemoonfolk]

Okay I’m having autistic Steve thoughts.

Steve who masks so well that no one realises he’s autistic, especially not himself until one day everything finally gets too much and he has a huge meltdown. Like I’m imagining he’s at family video, the lights are too loud and bright, the music playing over the radio is sending him insane, customers are being rude and some of them keep touching him, he knows they’re meant to be friendly touches but they’re making his skin crawl. The phone keeps ringing, it’s mostly the kids ringing to see when he gets off because they want rides.

After he has his break in the back room, he thinks he’s managed to reign in this weird too much feeling he gets sometimes, he’s pretty confident he can finish his shift and get home before his brain shuts down for the night. He doesn’t expect Eddie and his band to come in, he knows Eddie has only dragged the rest of them there because he wanted to see Steve, but they’re being so loud. He’s trying to ignore the way that Jeff and Gareth’s loud laughing and play fighting is making his skin crawl.

He doesn’t realise that he’s starting to repeatedly tense and relax the muscles in his hands, the way he’s quietly started humming to himself. He knows that he wants to tug on his hair and hit his chest but he also knows if he starts he won’t stop. He doesn’t know why he does it, just knows that when he’s alone at home and he needs to calm down that those things help.

The final straw though is Jeff accidentally stumbling into the shelf that Steve had just recently reorganised at the same time the phone rings (again) and the song on the radio changes for an obnoxiously loud jingle.

Steve doesn’t know it’s going to happen until it does, it’s suddenly like everything is too much, his shirt is uncomfortable, his pants are too tight, too many sounds, too many lights and if he doesn’t get this feeling out of him he might go insane.

Steve letting out and anguished whimper just loud enough for Eddie to hear before he starts screaming. He’s kicking the counter, then suddenly he’s pushed everything off the top of the counter onto the floor and just begins to smack the surface because the sting feels nice on his hands.

Now he’s making low noises in the throat and humming because words aren’t coming to him anymore, that’s when he starts hitting his chest. He eventually drops to the floor with his back against the wall, he pulls his knees up to his chest because he’s starting to really hurt himself this time but he can’t stop.

Another frustrated shout and he’s now banging his head on the wall behind him and rocking back and forth while tears are streaming down his face.

Eddie tries to grab his hands to stop him from pulling at his hair and is accidentally hit in the face because he touched Steve without asking first and he doesn’t want to be touched.

Eddie realised what was happening almost instantly and told his friends to go walk home or take his van, he’ll find a way home and leave him to help Steve.

He had been noticing certain autistic traits in Steve since they had started to get closer but the guy was so good at masking that Eddie thought maybe he was wrong, up until 10 minutes ago when Steve started to have a meltdown.

He knows he shouldn’t have touched Steve when he obviously doesn’t want to be but he didn’t want to watch him hurting himself anymore, at this point it would be more harmful to let him keep hurting himself than to try and stop him.

So Eddie ties his hair up so it’s out of they way and can’t get pulled and quickly pulls Steve away from the wall he’s currently smashing his head into before sliding in behind him and tightly wrapping his arms around Steve. He pins Steve’s arms across his chest so he’s hugging himself and uses he’s legs either side of Steve as extra pressure points and starts swaying them side to side slowly.

Steve loves the pressure he can feel surrounding him now and the swaying is really helping him calm his breathing down.

He has no idea how long it takes for his breathing to go back to normal and for him to no longer want to rip his skin off but he still feels like he can’t talk.

He can hear Eddie talking to him and relaxes even further into his tight hold. He nods when Eddie asks if he can drive Steve’s car to take him home and holds out the right key to lock up family video behind them. He can get Robin to butter Keith up tomorrow right now he wants to go home and maybe cuddle with Eddie on his sofa. Wants to eat his favourite snacks and maybe he can show Eddie his secret comic collection as thanks for helping him.

He knows he and Eddie are going to have to talk about what just happened soon but that will have to wait until he’s got words again. But for now he just wants cuddle Eddie and have a nap

#steve harrington #autistic steve harrington #stranger things #eddie munson #autistic eddie munson #steddie #steve needs a hug #autistic characters #autistic meltdown #this is like the first thing I’ve written so hopefully it doesn’t suck too much

[daffi-990]

Fuck it Friday

Tagged by @diazsdimples and @tizniz. Thank you lovelies for the tag! Everyone be sure to check out what they shared okay?!

Today I present to you some tsunami action from Rival Firefighters 🚒. I finished all of the tsunami stuff for Buck’s chapter today which I am happy about … I’m just not sure how I feel about what I wrote 😬. I found the tsunami difficult to write and I’m very nervous and slightly overwhelmed at revisiting it again in the next chapter but in Eddie’s POV. It’s definitely going to be a challenge, but I want to improve and stretch myself as a writer which means challenging myself haha.

Prev snippet from this au can be found here

“I can’t hold on!” Chris cries out before he’s losing his grip and slipping under the water.

Heart hammering in his chest Buck waits for a moment before diving into the rapids, swimming with all his might. If he timed it right he should intercept Chris.

Fuck he hopes he timed it right.

Debris clouds the water making it hard to see but not impossible, and coming straight towards him is Chris. Buck reaches out and grabs onto Chris, pulling him towards him.

I’ve got him, I’ve got him, I’ve got him.

They break through the surface, both sucking in deep lungfuls of air as they hold tightly to each other, Buck cradling the back of Chris’s head as he repeats I’ve got you over and over again, as much a comfort for himself as it is for Chris.

With Chris now in his arms, Buck begins swimming in search of safety where they can rest and wait for help, ideally somewhere out of the water.

He doesn’t have to search far, for less than a mile ahead Buck spots a fire engine, the red of the roof standing out among the ocean of blue and white surrounding them, a bright beacon of hope. Buck swims towards the engine and pushes Chris up onto the roof as quickly as he can. He begins to pull himself up, arms shaking from exertion but he doesn’t stop, keeps pulling up and up until his torso is over the edge and he’s able to crawl into the center, collapsing beside Chris.

We’re safe.

We’re alive.

We’re alive.

No pressure tagging: @wildlife4life @hippolotamus @spotsandsocks @steadfastsaturnsrings @wikiangela @watchyourbuck @athenagranted @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @malewifediaz @spagheddiediaz @lover-of-mine @ladydorian05 @loserdiaz @exhuastedpigeon @elvensorceress @eddiebabygirldiaz @evanbegins @rainbow-nerdss @rewritetheending @thewolvesof1998 @try-set-me-on-fire @theotherbuckley @princessfbi @shitouttabuck @devirnis @disasterbuckdiaz @fiona-fififi @fortheloveofbuddie @giddyupbuck @hoodie-buck @homerforsure @honestlydarkprincess @jeeyuns @puppyboybuckley @jesuisici33 @captain-hen @bekkachaos @nmcggg @monsterrae1 @missmagooglie @epicbuddieficrecs and anyone else who has something they want to share -> consider this your official tag 😉

#daffi writes #fic: stuck now so long we just got the start wrong #rival firefighters fic #buddie wip #buddie #I wanted to keep the pace of the tsunami fast for this chapter just like it would’ve been for Buck and Chris #not a whole lot of time to stop and inner monologue when you’re fighting for your life and trying to save your kid #hopefully it doesn’t suck and I’ll feel better about it after a reread and maybe some editing

[archduke-enver-gortash]

sorry for whining everyone i just need to eat something and then finally get some sleep i think

#my interpretation doesn’t suck and isn’t wrong (chanting into the mirror while trembling) #(like an angry sick chihuahua) #i’m so tired and stressed all the time lately #have a bit of free time coming up soon though so that’ll hopefully. fix it a bit. #i’ll either post here 24/7 or post a lot less frequently because i’m finally catching up on all the sleep i missed out on lmao

[cheddertm]

Max is trusting his life with a Totem which you think would help, but he’s watching a 10 year old YouTube video on how to do brain surgery (it has like 100 views) and it’s his second day (his first day was on himself and he died)

#qsmp #foolish gamers #maximus #qsmp maximus #Baghera is coming too but shes just thete for emotional support #which sucks bc she can probably do a better job than Foolish who id again looking st that youtube video #Max wants everyone else to see too like my brother in christ they’ll just see you blth screamingn #Foolish is gonna pull a Charlie and get like 5 other doctors just so he doesn’t have to do it but gets thr credit #amen #hopefully that surgery goes well Max <3

[lavenderjewels]

JJK 236 Spoilers/Leaks ‼️‼️‼️

Look I don’t mind Gojo dying and I love the whole afterlife scene, but also what. an entire month of planning just to completely wing the fight and die before throwing another overpowered sorcerer in the fray?? Yuuji better have the most wild jaw-dropping plan to save Megumi because what was the point to them watching Gojo fight to the death and doing nothing. My only relief is that this makes it seem more likely Megumi and Nobara could be coming back, but I’m really just a little baffled at the thought process with Gojo’s fight and what happened over that time skip. What was all that about gege.

I’ve seen some posts talking about how gojo needed to fight/confront kenjaku and i don’t really agree, since Geto’s gone and this was Geto and Gojo meeting again. Never expected to actually know geto’s last words either. So he’s definitely dead. I’m honestly mixed on his death. It’s sad but the means to getting there were SO questionable. If we got a chance to see at least parts of their planning before the fight, I’d feel better, but it seems like they really just threw gojo in without any strategies or backup. Hurts just a bit. I’m ready for Yuuji to be the star again soon—he’s the glue holding me together

#jjk leaks #jjk 236 #also I haven’t looked at the entire chapter—was just spoiled on a few things so I don’t know the entire context yet #but yeah 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 #yuujis time to shine I guess #yuuta vowing to kill kenjaku so gojo doesn’t have to. well hey now yuuta doesn’t even need to worry about that #no but REALLY where was the thinking when the protag teams entire plan for gojo was doing literally nothing and watching him die 😭😭😭 #hhhdhdhhdh my brain #anyway I’ve said this before but I’m just going w the flow #need to see how the rest of this manga plays out now that we’re ditching the overpowered characters #and can hopefully save megumi #sucks to be yuuji rn

[spinetacks]

zzz

#did the big scary breakup today. it was ok but also horrible #I’m proud of myself for saying no to trying again (again) but I’ve always been the needier of the two of us so it felt weird #being the one to say no it’s done #mannn I really wish it didn’t have to end. even now I kinda wish I could just take it back #:’) but I know that’s because it was only me that was hurting. so I’m dismissing it and feeling bad for upsetting them #gotta be brave..eurgh #we said we’d go back to being friends and I really genuinely hope we can #ik it often doesn’t work #but we were so good as friends and we still care for each other a lot. I just don’t think we can be happy with the pressure of a r/s #I’m relieved to not have the weight and worry of our patterns and routines anymore..but it’s gonna suck for a while huh #here’s to my longest relationship and all I learned from it. and hopefully happier times ahead #blahblah

[victory-cookies]

I had a job interview today and while I think it went well I’m so fucking anxious

#like. it was a full intense interview and that sucked #and while the assistant manager (? I think that’s what she was?) was super nice #the manager seemed like an. interesting fellow #he had me stressing #they said they’d get back to me by tomorrow so wish me luck #hopefully everything works out bc this job is on campus which makes my life a lot easier #however I’m not quitting my current job yet so hopefully that doesn’t cause any issues #I’m worried it will. hopefully everything will work itself out

[priestfrommidnightmass]

one of my coworkers is that type of person who just talks shit about absolutely Everyone (down to the actual Kids we work with) so my brain has started working in a way where everytime i do or say anything i think about how likely it is to be talked shit about behind my back which turns out is deeply unhealthy for a person like me

#god i dread every week i have to work with him #i embarrassed myself by crying in class today bc he sucks at his job #but it’s ok. #i’ll survive. tomorrow i will #hopefully cry less #i know he’s gonna talk shit abt my behavior today sooo hard but i can’t bring myself to care honeslty #i know people don’t take me seriously and talk shit abt me no matter what! so it doesn’t make much of a difference

[sappymix1]

okay slay i wanted to make a raspberry lemonade smoothie but i didn’t have enough so it’s like half raspberry half strawberry yippee!!

#i guessed on how much lemonade to put so hopefully it doesn’t suck

[dickfuckk]

I think @ourflagmeansbts has been reported 🥲

#i thought i was shadowbanned #but i think I’ve been reported #rip #hopefully i can fix it so it doesn’t get deleted that would suck #idk who i pissed off with that blog lmao

[fakeoutbf]

.

#okay so i’m gonna throw myself a little pity party so skip these post if you don’t wanna know #first off: i should’ve moved for college #like i really fucking should’ve #like i know why i didn’t and i’m sure if i had make a decision again it would make sense to pick the same #but idk if i’d known that i could’ve gotten into a foreign university and somehow impressed them enough to get a scholarship then i would’ve #gone no question asked no second guessing literally nothing #and i’m not saying i didn’t like my college experience or whatever but fuck i’m so tired of living so far away from everything in a place #where i know i’ll never make a lot of money doing what i studied to do #and i know that i can change careers and i’m not forced to follow one path or whatever but fuck it’s so scary to think of the possibilities #i get so anxious just considering picking something else now bc i already wasted 6 ish years of my life in this and i’d have to start again #idk whatever point is i wish i lived somewhere else so i’d hopefully have better living conditions and so that i could go to more concerts #y’all music is such a big part of my life and it doesn’t look like it but it is and i’ll explain more in post 2 but #i missed so many concerts this summer bc i live in bum fuck nowhere and no one comes here (and the artists i like don’t even come to the big #city near me rip) and i’m just forced to see them announce tour dates to places close ish by but that i could never afford and i just #i wish i could go and i wish i had friends to go with and i wish i’d moved and i wish my life wasn’t so lonely and pathetic and sucked

[arthur-r]

AP test in a couple minutes wish me luck

#actually not until 8:00 but it sure feels impending #i have time and a half for audhd reasons so hopefully that works out for me and doesn’t just trip me up #(i’ve never had a time accommodation before but i only got a couple sentences into the ACT so i thought i should ask for it) #anyway that means i’ll be finishing right after lunch and then walking to my mom’s work possibly (except for i will die) unless dad gets me #all my friends are also doing the AP test but all my friends are doing it at a church with normal time i’m doing it at school and finishing #way later than them. so goodbye to my dreams of carpooling #anyway i’ll turn off my phone at like 8:00 and also have to give up my fitbit probably (which sucks cause i’m compiling a record for doctor) #but i’ll be okay. generally i’m normal sitting in a chair with a back anyway it won’t be exciting data to miss. if anything i’ll be anxious #so anyways i’ll be back at maybe 2pm or so. and i hope everybody is well and i’ll be back in a lot of hours #delete later

[oglegoggle]

Idiot ex expected literally everyone around him to bend over backwards to do everything for him because he’s got ADHD and therefore isn’t capable of doing household chores or not breaking my belongings or responsibly managing his finances. He would throw up ADHD as a get out of jail free card literally every single time his behavior hurt me and I just had to accept it. Outright told me one time that trying to teach him how to do chores properly without breaking shit was triggering for him. But then was upset to see me call him an idiot and a coward in the notes on a post I reblogged about how shitty ADHD folks who use their ADHD as reason to never face consequences for their inconsiderate and selfish behavior.

Like yeah ADHD sucks and it requires a lot of difficult managing. But legit if you’re gonna say that it’s “triggering” to be expected to put away dishes without breaking them or take the used kitty litter to the dumpster outside every single day you’re just a pathetic self absorbed piece of shit. ADHD or not behavior like this has consequences and sometimes those consequences are the people you’re living with think you’re a selfish moron they don’t want to live with.

Your RSD is correct here dude, acting like this will make people drop you from their lives. You’re in your 30s and can’t do basic household chores. I had to walk on eggshells literally constantly with him because expressing even the tiniest amount of being upset with him would trigger a full blown self loathing meltdown and then he would be upset at me for hurting his feefees. He’s got ADHD, he’s got RSD, he’s got bipolar, it’s oooobviously my fault for triggering him and I need to calm him down and coddle him and reassure him that I’m not going to leave just because he hurt me repeatedly and did nothing to make up for hurting me or stop that behavior that was hurting me. He’s not capable of doing better and it makes him feel insecure that I deserve better treatment he’s not capable of giving me. I better reassure him that I’m okay with his shitty treatment of me or else he’ll fuckin kill himself. No he doesn’t want to go to couples counseling, that would be a waste of time and money.

Wow I’m such a shitty partner for not getting rid of all the glassware in my home so he won’t break it constantly. Wow I’m such a shitty partner I didn’t remind him to maintain his friendships outside of our relationship, obviously not telling him to remember to talk to and spend time with his friends is the same as somehow forbidding him from seeing them. Wow I’m such a shitty partner I don’t want to cook literal goddamn chicken rice & veg meals for his fucking dog and foot the bill for it, just like I was paying all of the other household bills as well as our entire shared food budget and cooking our meals every day because he would break shit and set fires if I didn’t. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for expecting him to actually pay the landlord his portion of the rent. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for smoking so much of his weed. Wow I’m such a shitty partner I won’t allow his awful cat in my home again after it slashed my fucking eyeball and put me in the ER. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for being constantly made sick by the filth and squalor he created faster than I could clean up without help. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for expecting to be helped with the cleaning. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for not accommodating his ADHD and letting him treat me like garbage without consequence. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for having needs and boundaries. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for not tolerating his abuse forever.

It was abuse.

He abused me.

Having ADHD does not make your behavior not abusive. ADHD does not absolve you of being an abuser. There are plenty of ADHD folks in this world that have actual honor and dignity about themselves. Don’t act like ADHD is a free excuse to abuse others. That’s not RSD talking that’s your conscience, listen to it. Treat those who care about you with genuine respect and they won’t reject you.

#this is goggles #bleh I’m cranky and lonely but at least I’m not dealing with his idiocy anymore #I would very much like to be held and loved #not loved for how silently and gracefully I can endure being abused #I want to be loved gently #I want to feel safe to express negative emotions with them in a healthy manner in ways we can work on solutions and build a better love #I want to feel like I don’t have to be the only responsible person in charge of everything all of the time #I want to live in a clean home that doesn’t make me sick with masses of spilled soda and cat piss on every surface and bugs and mold #I want to have my belongings regarded with care and have them replaced when occasional mishaps happen #I want to not have to constantly be parenting someone older than myself because they completely lack basic skills and emotional regulation #I want to be able to rely on my partner not just be a totally reliable rock to them without support of my own #I want to relax and feel at peace in my own home not constantly stressed by their behavior and shit pets #I want to have people in my life who make me feel secure and safe and supported and seen #I gave up everything to leave that life behind me I deserve and need better from the folks around me #it sucks and it’s lonely but I’m going to find better #hopefully in Seattle I’ll be able to find friends and love and support I need #I really hope so this life is so lonely and my body aches so much #When I feel like I miss him it is not because he was a good partner it is because I haven’t ever had a partner to live with before him #I will find a new partner who will want to live with me and will treat me better #I will get the love and respect and support I need elsewhere he won’t give me what I need #just gotta ignore that irritating feeling of missing him it will not benefit me he will only hurt me and make me feel like I’m at fault #even his friends think he’s a douchebag I wish I would’ve listened to them early on when they were trying to warm me #bleh my body aches I really need some touch and affection #I hate possessing this almost esoteric knowledge that being held reduces the pain in my body this was so much easier to handle before #I’m going to be 27 in a couple weeks I’m still so young but I feel so old #I have never been good at dating and I loathe having to date to find a partner can I just skip ahead to the part where I have a kind lover? #I want to have my back rubbed and neck kissed I want to be held while I sleep and feel safe and at ease #I’d take it even for a single night right about now it’s been months and I know I have months more ahead of me before I’ll even be hugged #wish I had the dough and know how to hire a companion for the evening #not even really for sex just like I really need to be held for a little while being held is so important for my mental and emotional health

[whimsyprinx]

i don’t think I’m like actually allowed to be happy or that I even know how to be anymore

#whimsy whispers #this isn’t me asking for permission to be happy by the way #it doesn’t matter if everyone in the world told me I was allowed to be happy I wouldn’t believe them and it wouldn’t make me like able to #suddenly be happy either #idk this post hasn’t got a point #everything just feels bad and hopeless and sad and idk what to do anymore when existing sucks so much and I know I’m never going to be happy #I just feel like I’m being suffocated or drowning or something #rn is actually a better day because I feel fairly empty which is far preferred for being in tears #like I just don’t know what to do at this point I feel so unhappy and unloved and alone and there’s nothing I can do #I can’t just fix anything I can’t just be happy I can’t make myself be loved I can’t do anything #all I can do is let each day pass by either feeling like it’s the end of the world and wishing that it really were or feeling empty #there’s no relief #it’s not that i want to be like this but I can’t help it #I want to be happy and loved and surrounded by people who love me but as I am I’m unfit for love and I honestly haven’t felt genuinely loved #I’m so long and at this point all I’m doing is making those around me feel worse so isn’t it best if I just stop being in peoples lives #so that’s what I’m up to now #I’ll be unhappy regardless but at least other people will hopefully be happier without me being so sad around them all the time #I make myself tired so I can only imagine how tired everyone else is of me

[stylesparker]

eddie munson fic coming either sunday or monday… don’t know what time I’ll be coming home from vacation so def be on the lookout ;)

#(spoiler) eddie teaches his girl guitar #finally I got something together #I’ve had the worst writers block lately so hopefully this doesn’t suck #does anyone actually read any of my little notes like this?😭