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lilahelynora · 4 years

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My Emotions | tw ptsd and other stuff mentioned

Everything in me right now hurts so so much. I’m about to go to sleep, it’s 27 till 4am; and I’m crying.

I feel invalidated about who I am and even on what I should believe in. I’m a victim of defamation but I can’t afford to legally take action against it. Everything inside me hurts, I try everyday to be my best self, to put my foot forward and push aside the crap I’ve been through before.

I try to support everyone and I do. I support everyone of every nature, because I don’t have a heart to be malicious or discriminatory and everyone no matter who they are or how they were brought up, deserves to have a life full of hope and love and support and so much more, everyone matters.

I have always put others before me. It may not seem like I do, but I do. I am very very sensitive in person, I feel a lot and sometimes I don’t know if it’s normal for me to feel as much as I do, but I do.

For me all of this emotional pain started because I found out about a breakup before anyone else did and since I was still a minor at that time, and very immature. I ran with it and tried to convince everyone to see what I saw that was right in front of me.

The other day, this week. I was medically diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), growing up I believed personally that only people who have been through the worst things imaginable developed PTSD. That there was no possible way someone like me could develop it. I didn’t feel comfortable with my own self diagnosis, I made last year because I didn’t want to use a condition like that so carelessly.

But lone and behold I have been diagnosed by a specialist with it and after the defamation that was made against me and spread everywhere through a google pdf file made 8-9 days before my birthday and then virtually distributed everywhere on my birthday, I have fallen to my knees in agony.

I cried so hard on my birthday, that my birthday this year would have to be one of the most upsetting and worst birthdays I’ve had in my life, right above my 16th birthday.

People to this day online don’t believe that I am legitimately me, even after I sent them a censored out photo of my driver’s license because they believe the defamated pdf file over me. They don’t have remorse or guilt over how they see me, because they don’t know me. They don’t want to try to know me and that hurts in a whole different way.

Nobody sees me as a victim because they choose to believe a group of people’s bad experiences online with someone they are forever going to think was me, when it wasn’t. They don’t care how much I “cry” or anything, because to them and others, I’m no better than a speck of dirt under ones shoe.

I still call upon the Angels, God, Jesus Christ, Archangel Michael, the Holy Spirit, Mother Mary and my Spirit Guides (whom I hope to meet one day) to watch out for me. To guide me through this chapter in my life and to keep me out of harm’s way and to watch over me and help me heal inside. I know my spiritual being is littered with scars and bumps and bruises. I know the child inside of me is hiding in a corner with her head between her legs, crying her eyes out because growing up, everyone told her that her life was going to be full of wonder and hope and all of her wildest dreams would come true, but it’s yet to happen. She’s scared of what she’s seeing her older self is currently going through.

She feels the pain inside. Like a knife to a pad of foam or someone getting lemon juice into a fresh paper cut. I want the pain I feel inside to go away. I want to know and feel true and undeniable happiness for the first time in my life, to be able to wake up in the morning and be grateful to be able to wake up and live a new and fresh day.

I went to New York this year back in February, I was originally supposed to go for New Years; but I contracted Influenza Type B and couldn’t go. The airline luckily gave me two weeks for the same price of my original one week, when I rescheduled. Anyways, I was excited and had every reason to be. It was my first time in a whole new place, it was like another world to me. I never wanted to leave. Within those two weeks, I fell in love with the way I felt in that city.

I felt free. Sure the pending adult responsibilities I had were still there, but I felt free. I felt like I had hope for my future. When I went to the 9/11 memorial, I had to hold back tears because of the amount of energy I felt there (I don’t know how some people know that they’re an empath. But I feel like I am one, with how I can feel emotions and energy shifts and stuff).

Because of the defamation I experienced with the pdf virtually published and thriving just a few weeks prior to my trip. I still put on a brave face for my aunt that I was visiting and pushed through the little excursions I had. I didn’t even cry around my family members after it came out on my birthday, because of the fear of them finding out about my media platforms and them asking questions, I didn’t have proper answers too.

It wasn’t until my newly discovered cousin (my aunt’s daughter) went to her therapist appointment while I was staying with them, that I broke down in the waiting room in front of my aunt (and drew a few unwanted eyes on me) because I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to go back to the same old lifestyle I had back home. Because back home, I was back to working at a place I didn’t feel safe in, I had my own family issues that I couldn’t ventilate with anyone due to not having registered yet with a therapist and more things.

I was scolded and reprimanded when I got home because my aunt told everyone about me breaking down and messily exposing some family issues, I was struggling with back home. Not gonna lie, I saw it coming. It was the first time with my aunt that I only just met and I sort of blew it in a way by getting emotional. Which I can also recall breaking down on the subway a day before I had to fly back and some guy gave me a few bucks and told me his own story of hitting rock bottom and while I wasn’t in a way at rock bottom, I was still seen by others as a young millennial who’s going through a big ass hurdle in their life and felt like the world was just caving in on them... and that there was still hope for me. I’ll never forget that memory.

I try, like I said, I try to be my best self. To be a good girl in society’s eyes. I’ve personally still never been kissed yet, or experienced forms of intimacy, or been to a party, or snuck out of the house, or held a disciplinary record at school (though I did have detention one time in middle school for not paying attention in math class), or smoked, or drank (unless the Smirnoff Malt Peach Bellini’s with a 0.5% Alc content count), or did anything with any serious consequences. I never had an overly zealous lifestyle like everyone else apparently has had.

Like my parents separated when I was around four, got legally divorced when I was roughly twelve or thirteen. My father gave up on me after I turned fifteen. Him as well as my grandmother (his mother) filled my head full of lies about my mother, so I grew up with a strong unnecessary hatred towards her and I’ve been told that when he was supposed to be “watching me”, when I was little, all he did was sleep and didn’t do anything. So I practically up and raised myself, which is my only defence when I made the self diagnosis last year of having PTSD.

And now at 4:58am, I’m laying in my pitch dark bedroom lit only by a small scent defuser plug-in from bath and body works, with an empty sent bottle that’s yet to be changed and having Birds by Imagine Dragons off of my “cloudy hues” playlist (made to listen during my depression episodes) on Spotify playing softly through my google home speaker that Spotify gave me as a gift last year for being a premium member, just thinking about what will happen next after the sun rises.

I’m exhausted. Physically and emotionally, I am stressed chronically and it’s valid. Like I’ve said repetitively throughout this long ass post, I’ve been medically diagnosed with PTSD. So I have chronic and traumatic stress and my anxiety isn’t getting any better and I know no matter what I do, no one will believe me. Because who would believe one person’s truth against five personal accusations inside one defamated pdf file with “screenshots”?

It’s one of those “fuck it” moments in life you know? Where you have to just throw your arms up and let them fall back to your sides in that dramatic clap and hope that in time, people eventually stop caring and paying attention. I know I’ll never make it in the acting industry as I’ve hoped to one day pursue because of that defamated pdf file. If anything I might still be able to be a writer or a photographer, I enjoy writing therapeutically (hence why this post is as long as it is).

I just... when the time comes for someone to “fall in love with me” (hell my reputation is already tattered like a flag, so if I do meet Dylan and he does naturally fall for me which is a slim 50/50 of even happening), regardless of whatever life throws in the way. I would like them to accept me as a whole, flaws and all.

That means to understand my upbringing, my emotional background and health history and anything else. If they can’t handle that information, then that says it all. I don’t want to be someone’s notch on their belt, I don’t want to throw myself at someone’s shoes just to get stomped on and thrown away. I want to mean something to someone, anyone. I want someone to say with all their heart and soul, “you matter to me, I love you even if you struggle with loving yourself. I accept you because you have been through your own personal hell growing up and no matter what, I will always be there for you because you matter in this world just like everyone else does” that’s what I want.

I have high and probably slightly deluded expectations, and I’m sorry for that but that’s me. That’s who I am as a person and if I have kids, I will never ever let them know how and what I went through because I am not one to corrupt the innocent. To change one’s image for their own game. I will teach them all about the wonders of the world and if god and the universe allow me to travel with them, I’ll take them all over the world and let them learn about everyone and their cultures and their stories. I’ll fill their hearts and minds with kindness and love for I have not one once in me, that’s capable of damaging them with the horrific truths we’ve all have lived and are living.

I would even teach them about every belief in the world and let them make their own choice and decisions with the proper respect and knowledge on what they choose to believe in. Everyone knows why there’s wars in the world, if it isn’t for fossil fuels (which I’ll also teach them about so they learn to love and care for the planet instead of destroying it).

My feelings are valid, and I am allowed to express them in a negative and/or positive way. I have been silenced all my life and I’m tired of that. I want this post to be the ONLY time, I ever have to say anything about that file that’s spread about me at the beginning of this year and for people to actually understand me and not mock me for once, just because they’re scared of how others will see them.

I never ONCE did any of those things that are in that pdf file that is said, I have done.

I don’t care if you want to personally burn me at the metaphorical stake or put my head on a spike, because you decided and chose with your whole little ass heart to believe what someone else said and is saying about someone they have never EVER met in person or even gotten to know instead of actually asking that person yourself if they did any of those things.

All this post is in the eyes of the ones who have defamated me, is a fleck of dust on their phone screens, that they’ll probably drag me over with their sum total of 5,000 or so followers who’s half total is probable bots and are all possibly deactivating one by one as you’re reading this.

It sucks what I’ve felt inside and I truly don’t want to continue to go through this.

And for anyone on Twitter that stumbles across this post, I would never stoop as low as you all have to get Dylan’s attention because you’re bored. I understand and respect Dylan’s boundaries and the “joke” you all tried to trend with a hashtag is sickening. That was not a joke and never will be applicable as a joke. Dylan has a life outside of the internet, he’s about to be 29 years old and doesn’t need a bunch of people on Twitter vindicating when he should post or come online or even babying him. He’s a grown adult. Treat him like one. Yes you’re a fan, but that’s not an excuse or defence for any negative actions on that platform.

It’s 5:30 now so I’m going to sleep, reblog this, share it anywhere if you want. I don’t care anymore. I am officially done with the bullshit. That pdf file that has been shared countless times on end is a form of defamation, no matter whatever shit screenshots or accusations are in it. It will always be a form of defamation, maybe only in my eyes even, but still. It is what it is and so it is. This is my defence and I want to officially be in peace or at least have someone or anyone feel for me in some way or another. It’s all I want. Because this post out of EVERY post I have done in the past. Is the last “explanation” post I am ever doing.

I hope everyone has a nice day - morning - etc. I love you all so much, even if you hate me or believed that post and I pray nothing but good light and graces come to your life as it has yet to arrive in mine.

All my love, Lillie 🥀

#personal #ptsd tw #me #SUPER long post #rant #emotional #insomnia #im sorry

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hi-i-love-u-bitch · 5 years

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My Sides 2.0

So, I’ve done my Sides before being that I had been inspired by @asofterfan‘s art work of their sides. But mine turned out really half-assed and meh so I upgraded them. (CLICK FOR BETTER QUALITY BECAUSE TUMBLR IS SHIT!)

Mimsy “Momo” “Mama Mo” (Morality) Pronouns: They/Them She/Her

*Likes*

Flowers

Sweets

Seashells

Warm Weather

Stuffed Aimals

70s Aesthetic

Puns (accidentally forgot that one)

+Dislikes+

Ignorance

Confrontation

Sand

Assholes in general

Close Toed Shoes

About Them:

Has been numbed by life so much to the point where nothing can faze them

May come off as cold at times

Still, somehow, very empathetic

Closed off to their own emotions but very in tuned to others

“I don’t care,” They said, caringly, as they cared deeply.

Unknowingly has become the Mom Friend of the Sides

A bit of a temper

Stern but caring, even if they don’t show it at times

Helps keep Anne under control (they’re the only one that can)

Kind of a hippy

Wants to do the right thing but also doesn’t want to hurt anybody

Very blunt and to the point

Very quick to turn violent if one of their friends or loved ones are in danger/distressed

Surprisingly very forgiving if you do harm on to them

Doesn’t really communicate their feelings well with the others which endlessly frustrates Lola

Doesn’t open up to Lola much because she believes he won’t understand since he’s logic, there for unable to process emotion

Unknowingly has a tendency to coddle Kiki a lot

Has nicknames for all the sides: Kiki is Sugar, Lola is Honey, and Anne is Sweetie.

Lola (Logic) Pronouns: They/Them He/Him

*Likes*

Biology

Zoology

Psychology

Insects

Crunchy Peanut Butter

Funky Bow Ties

Learning New Things

Non-Fiction Books

+Dislikes+

Incorrect Grammar

Math

Deadlines

Humidity

Not knowing things

About Them:

Excited and always ready to learn

Biggest teachers pet

Will literally raise their hand to ask a question

Always researching the weirdest things late at night when they can’t sleep

Basically Bill Nye the Science Guy

Prefers comfort over professionalize

I dye my hair a lot and they kind of took a liking to it, thus the two green streaks in their hair

Very curious by nature and has gotten in a lot of accidental trouble because of it

Tends to ramble off topic sometimes

Doesn’t really understand emotions or social cues that well but is trying their best to learn

Always writing things down in note books just in case if it’s important and they might forget

Pretty emotional for someone who’s not supposed to have/understand emotions

Anne seems to like them more then the others so she doesn’t tend to pick on Lola that much unless they’re rambling and need to be told to shut up

Lola and Kiki get along the best because of their shared interest in books as well as working together in a lot of projects

Wishes they could bond better with Mimsy but the emotional side tends to keep them at arms length

Doesn’t really think of themselves as smart

Kiki (Creativity) Pronouns: They/Them

*Likes*

Reading

Writing

Poetry

Fan Fiction

Dungeons n Dragons

Art

Knitting

Cartoons

Musicals

Murder Mystery Thrillers

+Dislikes+

Writers Block

Research Papers

Philosophy

Beowulf

Avocado

About Them:

Very, very, very, low self esteem

Easily pushed around (mainly by Anne)

As a million and one ideas but can never seem to finish anything

Gets excited by thing but is quick to close back in on themselves because they thing they’re annoying

The ultimate super fan!

Perfectionist

Is there biggest critic

Very jittery and speaks really fast when nervous

Coffee is there life source

Sleep? Who is she? I don’t know her!

Has no sense of style but doesn’t really care at this point

Again, hates Beowulf with the fury of a thousands suns because of that one English teacher my senior year!

Likes to make personalized gifts for their friends

The only time them and Anne work together is when they’re giving me nightmares! (I suffer from chronic night terrors)

They’re close to Lola the most and doesn’t mind hearing the logical side ramble, the information he has to say is interesting and useful for more stories and projects

Doesn’t like that Mimsy baby’s them like they’re some sort of glass doll

Doesn’t know why Anne bullies them....they used to be friends long ago after all...

Anne (Anxiety) Pronouns: She/Her

*Likes*

Witchcraft

80s Rock

The Beatles & Queen

Ballet

Cthulhu

Scary Movies

Gore Horror Movies

Black & Purple

Terrorizing Kiki

+Dislikes+

Loud Noises

Socializing

Bright Lights

Vinegar

Authority

About Them:

She’s a bitch

There’s no use in sugar coating it, Anne is a bitch and she knows it

Extremely nihilistic and pessimistic

Constantly reminding everyone of their impending doom

Is the grunge goth aesthetic

Tells things how they are even if it makes her look bad

Hates when people tell her what to do

She is the embodiment of all my repressed anger issues

Very self destructive both physically and mentally

Actually kind of hates herself

Likes to release all of her frustrations and insecurities out Kiki by verbally bullying them

Kiki doesn’t fight back or say anything so she keeps on doing it

Actually feels really guilty about it all but continues to pick on Kiki because she’s convinced she’s at the point of no return so might as well continue being the bad guy

Can not for the life of her bring herself to pick on Lola

The nerd is the embodiment of an excited puppy and Anne may be a bitch but she isn’t the type of bitch to kick a puppy even if it gets annoying at times

Is lowkey scared of Mimsy but also kind of respects them

Secretly looking for her approve and acceptance

Does not help that Kiki is obviously Mimsiy’s favorite

#my art #digital art #my sides #sanders sides #thomas sanders

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csykora · 6 years

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hey! i’ve heard u mention sasha’s media reputation a cpl times... me being a new caps fan, i’m curious—what’s the scoop regarding sasha and why he doesn’t play in the nhl anymore? & why ppl didn’t “like” him or whatever... sry if this is confusing!

Hello!

Not a confusing question at all.

Part of how I made things confusing is that I often jump back and forth between Russia and North America. Semin has a different reputation for different reasons in Russia than in North America, and neither are directly the reason he doesn’t play in the NHL anymore.

There are three fairly separate things here, so I’m going to trying to pull them apart more than I have before.

Prolonged Intro

There are players in the NHL who shouldn’t be there, and players who aren’t who “should”.

Garret Sparks and Calvin Pickard are not in the NHL. No one is really arguing that Curtis McElhinney is a meaningfully better goalie than they are: if things happened to be different, one of them would be dressing for the Leafs. But it happens to be better for the franchise as a whole to have Backuphinney do his ‘80s thing behind Freddie and give Sparks and Pickard more experience in the minors.

There are a lot of plugs and guys here because their contracts just happen to work out or coaches just happen to have certain tastes or someone else happened to have an inconvenient injury.

The geek squad were saying Michal Kempný was an NHL-level player years ago. It just happened that no NHL team wanted to play him.

Japer’s Rink recently said André Burakovsky shouldn’t be “in the same breath as Semin.” They didn’t mean Burakovsky shouldn’t be in the NHL, necessarily, but it struck me that many fans would just think, “Well, he happens to be in the NHL now, so he must deserve to be there. He must be a better player than anyone who isn’t.”

Burakovsky is beloved as a person, and that colors how his fans see him as a player.Brooks Orpik is despised as a player, so that colors how people see him as a person.

I’m not arguing for Complete Objectivity. For one thing it’s not possible, and I don’t think it would be fun. But my point is that I’m pretty much against the idea that athlete’s careers are about what people deserve, positively or negatively. It’s a way we make sense of complex, coincidental arcs of events. It makes a satisfying, sexy story, as sports media would put it.

But when we think that way, we logically have to think that way about everybody—if something happens to one person because They Deserved It, what about everyone it didn’t happen to? If something good happens because someone is a good person, what about the many very bad people who good things happen to?

So this is not going to be an especially sexy answer.

It is in fact a stupid answer, about a bunch of soul-wrenchingly stupid things that happened to happen to Sasha Semin and not some other guy. Strap in.

1. Russian Reputation

I wouldn’t say Semin has a bad reputation among Russian hockey fans, but the Russian Hockey Federation broke up with him pretty brutally in 2014.

Semin took the fall for Malkin and Ovechkin after the national disaster of the Sochi Olympics. By national disaster I mean disaster for the Russian State. The State wanted to use Sochi to show their power to the world, and instead they got shamed for months on NBC. And then they lost, too.

Russian media sold the story that the Russian team lost because the players didn’t love their country that much. It wasn’t about skill or talent or style of play—Russia was still the best at all of those! Real patriots would have proven that Russia was the best. The team just didn’t care enough.

So it was really convenient to have this photograph:

Semin has probably been semi-addicted to tobacco through secondhand smoke his entire life. I’ve talked before about why I kinda hate anybody getting mad about athletes using, and that’s one reason. Tobacco is massively common in Russia, with over 60% of Russian men using cigarettes and 51.1% smoking daily. Like most countries, the highest rates are in lower-income, rural Eastern Russia than in the Western cities.

This is kinda embarrassing for the State. The State would like to not look like they’re behind Kazakhstan in any measure of development. And they especially don’t like smoking, because it looks bad.

You know how Nicklas Bäckström got Ovechkin into chewing tobacco? (If you didn’t, sorry, now you do. They both use a fair bunch.) The State does not care about athletes using tobacco. They care a lot about athletes smoking, because someone might see. So Russian athletes are ordered not to smoke, and so any Russian athlete who does is violating orders.

Three of Semin’s teammates are also in that photo—they just happened to be boring, so nobody cared so much. Russian hockey fans in general didn’t care that much. They got to have their initial wave of outrage, reassured themselves that the national team could totally have won if only….

Statistically speaking then they had a soothing cigarette, and then they forgot about it. It helps that Sasha has a gently dreamy face and immediately won a Gagarin Cup.

The Russian Hockey Federation still cares a whole bunch. Semin was guaranteed to play at Worlds the next year, and then suddenly he wasn’t on the roster. He hasn’t played for Russia since.

2. In North America

There are a couple threads here.

The reason many Caps fans didn’t like Semin is they fuckin loved the guy. It’s not just me saying Semin was the Caps best player when they traded him, that’s from RMNB. Work your way back through any Caps blog, and there’s so much love there.

The reason many casual fans didn’t like Semin is that, frankly, they didn’t understand the hockey they were watching.

Semin’s pretty much the halfway point between Bäckström and Ovechkin: he has spectacular aim, a canon of a shot, chronic wrist injuries, a tendency to go on hot and cold scoring streaks, and rock-steady top-of-the-league possession metrics. He’s the best skater on any team Evgeny Kuznetsov isn’t on, so once he has the puck, you’re not gonna catch him to get the puck back.

Imagine evaluating Bäckström according to what you expect Ovi to produce, or grading Ovi against Bäckström’s skillset. That’s kind of what would happen with Sasha, because fans would see him shoot and score and then grade him more harshly for not scoring consistently all the time. A lot of the time he wasn’t scoring, because he wasn’t shooting, because he was playing for possession. (Or he was shooting and sometimes he was missing, you know, like shooters do.)

A lot of those fans called to trade him after every playoffs. They also wanted to trade Ovi, so that’s why I don’t listen to hockey fans.

The reason the Capitals management didn’t like Sasha was that they liked him fine, actually, they just wanted to feed his agent to an alligator.

Let’s establish that some people are good at negotiating complex financial agreements, and some people, let’s even say most people, are not. Most athletes are not, and that shouldn’t count against them. That’s why agents exist.

A lot of people like telling Malkin’s story of escape from Magnitigorsk as a daring one-man adventure. That’s understandable, but it forgets that Malkin had someone to buy him a plane ticket, someone making calls and someone expecting him on the other side.

Ovechkin’s agent is his own mother. Arguably, Ovi’s here today because during the ’04-’05 lockout, Tatyana Ovechkina told her son not to resign in Russia. She made a bet, and it paid off when the lockout ended three days later.

Most Russian athletes don’t have that somebody.

Keep this picture in mind. Picture this next bit happening to some kid who might’ve sat next to you in Statistics, and if he passed it was only because tween Evgeny Kuznetsov was loyally making him flashcards. Imagine that kid’s suddenly the main source of income for several generations of his family, too.

When anyone talks about something Semin decided, they’re talking about what his agent decided for him. Semin did not speak English and does not do math; he was honest with the media that he had no fucking clue what his agent was saying in negotiations.

If you google Mark Gandler, you get top results in English like, “Mark Gandler is nothing less than the Prince of Darkness.” He has a long history of making deals that North Americans do not like. I can actually see the case that that’s not his job, his job is to get his mostly-Russian clients and himself paid by one team or another, and NHL teams aren’t as sacred as they like to act. I’m kind of not on board with the idea that players should take NHL teams’ offers as an honor and put the franchise first. But a lot of NHL teams have gotten pissed at Gandler over the years, and the consequences of that land on his clients when deals fall through, not on him.

First, Semin happened to be playing in the city of Tolyatti when he turned 18, so the Russian Armed Forces in Tolyatti drafted him. Tolyatti insisted that Semin had to complete his two years of service in the same district where he was drafted. Very conveniently, they had a very bad hockey team right there for him to play for! So Semin returned to the KHL during the ’04-05 lockout, instead of playing in the AHL like the Caps wanted him to.

Lots of English coverage calls this ‘confusion’ over his military service, since other NHLers were waived. It’s actually simple: HC Lada sucks. Semin was worth more money than the team.

When the lockout ended, Capitals filed a complaint against Gandler, attempting “to compel Alexander Semin’s agent and the Russian hockey team Lada Togliatti to return Alex.” The judge issued a restraining order against Gandler to stop him shopping Sasha to teams that weren’t the Caps.

Things stalled when HC Lada ran out of money and dropped Sasha, along with 15 other players’ contracts. Gandler…promptly shopped him to another team that wasn’t the Caps.

The Caps filed again and at this point the same judge told them to shush, presumably because at this point Semin only had three months of service left anyway and it wasn’t like the NHL had a leg to stand on contracts-wise. Everyone agreed that Semin would return to the NHL for the 2006 season, which he did.

In DC, Sasha and Ovi and then Nicky stole the show and dragged it up and down the ice. They were real real good.

But while Tatyana Ovechkina negotiated Ovi’s lifetime deal right off, the Capitals never signed Sasha for more than a year or two at a time. Every year was a contract year, so every year had to be a career year to justify his value. I don’t know who was asking for what, but as the Caps’ cap problems grew, constantly haggling over one of their stars didn’t seem worth it to them.

In 2012, Semin led the Capitals—yes, including Bäckström—in possession metrics. He was arguably the best player on the team. His penalty minutes, which had been a problem at the start of the season, trended down and were pretty fine by the end, showing that he was adapting to the radically new game play of then-new Coach Hunter.

You know who struggled under with the coaching change? Alex Ovechkin did. Coach Hunter thought Ovi was a spoiled defensive liability, told him to play right wing instead of left, and took away his favorite snugglebuddy. Ovi resentfully on the top RW bumped Sasha down to play with rather less dynamic Swedish centre Marcus Johansson. He scored less goals there.

RMNB jokingly-not-really-joking credited Johansson with axing Semin’s career.

But setting aside scoring, other measures of Sasha’s play like his stable possession and lower PIMS show he was one of the few players who adapted to the new coaching style at all. You might notice Dale is no longer with us.

The Capitals management didn’t not resign Sasha because of his play.

They made an offer, and Gandler made and offer, and both parties finally told the other to go fuck themselves, and Semin dazedly signed with Carolina instead.

By the way, Mark Gandler is now represents Dmitry Orlov.

You’ve probably never felt that level of existential dread while looking at a picture of Dmitry Orlov before. He has a couple years left on his current contract, don’t worry about it.

Why don’t non-Caps fans like Sasha?

The Scene:

It’s 2008. Sidney Crosby is twenty years old. He has not yet done any of the things he’s accomplished in the decade since then.

Ethically speaking, he is on TV too much for him. He’s been on-camera since he was a child. He has to plan escape routes and take back hallways wherever he went and couldn’t stay with his teammates. His fans are starting to try to out him to the media and wreck his life.

Saying he should have bee on TV as much as he is comes off like parents on Toddlers & Tiaras who say their daughter loves competing.

Dialogue:

Semin says Sidney Crosby is a very impressive athlete and very dull human person. So does every honest Canadian.

Semin thinks traditional Canadian men’s hockey with its obsession with shooting is boring and small, smart, play-making skaters are interesting. So does every other Evgeny Kuznetsov fan.

Semin also thinks that even “dead wood” would look like a star if the NHL propped it up in front of a camera as much as they did Crosby, and that’s the line that ticked Mike Milbury off.

Guys, my soul is seeping out of me in protest against the idea of giving a fuck. I adore Alexander Semin. I do not give a fuck whether he enjoys watching Sidney Crosby play hockey.

It affects:

the hockey game that Semin watches at home for fun on his evenings off

end of list

This is a league where Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin said live on-air that the Sedin twins might be fucking each other. The bar for Mean Comments about your competition is so, so much higher. It’s an opinion, and one you would kind of expect from someone whose job was to stop Sidney Crosby winning all the hockey.

Sidney Crosby is exactly as Sidney Crosby as he ever was. If you love his hockey, his hockey is the same hockey.

The only thing that is hurt by someone not enjoying Sidney Crosby’s hockey is the NHL’s Sidney Crosby brand.

The only thing hurt by someone saying Sidney Crosby is on TV a whole bunch is the NHL’s Sidney Crosby brand.

NHL media getting upset over that…kind of supports the observation that the NHL has invested a lot of time and money in Sidney Crosby’s brand.

It’s also inescapable that NHL media had created the Crosby-Ovechkin rivalry to begin with. They made a simple dichotomy. Anything one got was going to be framed as something the other couldn’t. And since Crosby was getting the attention, he must deserve it, and Ovechkin must not.

That’s what this was. Try telling Canes broadcaster Tripp Tracy that Semin was jealous of Crosby’s spotlight for himself: the man deserves a good laugh. I’m sure Semin sincerely does find Crosby’s hockey dull, because many people outside North America do.

But his basic state of being is probably “recklessly in love,” so he got pissed, and he said something that, yes, would have been better to keep as an inside thought out loud.

And NHL media fluttered into a tizzy of, ‘HWHaaat? Hwyyy would Alexander Ovechkin’s best friend not love Sidny Crosby? A scandal.’

People said dumb shit and wrote dumber headlines and pestered Crosby until he said something about showing Sasha exactly how special he was. I can’t muster the energy to comment on how sweetly gay that sounds because my heart is curdling because that’s not how enjoying hockey works.

Women’s hockey fans, European fans, and now Leafs fans all think that playmaking super-skating is as-or-more fun as traditional men’s Canadian hockey, and it’s fine. You can force them to sit and watch as many of Crosby’s goals as you want and yes they will see the goal on screen and say, “gosh, yes, that was indeed a goal, my dude,” and no they will not suddenly stop liking what they like.

Anyway half a decade passed and Milbury and McGuirre and other talking heads continued to call Semin a failure and “a cancer” and suggest the Capitals never won because those Russians just don’t care enough.

I’ve posted some of the milder excerpts before but I genuinely just do not want to type the keywords I would need to pull them up right now. RMNB has a fair few in their archive, and over the years it was enough of a known Thing in the League that other commentators would bring it up.

3. Why’s he not playing in the NHL?

Because Montréal management fucked up, pretty major.

That’s not me: take it from Matt Drake over at SB Nation, and also math:

“His case is one of failed asset management by the Canadiens at its finest.”

Montréal acquired Semin in 2015 to complete their hopeful high-scoring line of Alex Galchenyuk and Lars Eller.

You know how Lars Eller did a great impression of Lars Nicklas this year? Yeah, that’s straight-up what he does. The Canadiens designed a pirated version of DC’s top line, a Lars in the middle, Alex G to race and shoot, and Semin to counterbalance them. And it was a pretty good bootleg!

…for the 15 games the Habs let Semin play.

“They posted a Corsi-for percentage of 59.3%, launched 55.9% of the shots while on the ice, and had a superb 73.7 shot attempts per 60 minutes played. It seems that the coaching staff expected them to be better though, and I can’t account for exactly how that could be.

I assume it had something to do with the lack of goal production. They only had 50% of goals for at even strength, contributing five goals and having the same number scored against them. The thing is, they were only shooting at 7.8%, so there was definitely room for that to improve, and for the goals to come. Had they kept putting up the other numbers the way they were, simple logic dictates that those goals would indeed come.

Individually, Semin was perfectly solid. He stood at 55.5% Corsi for, 54.8% shots for, 51% scoring chances for, and had a woeful shooting percentage of 5.9%. … It may interest fans to know that his 55.5% even-strength possession mark was good for first on the team, tied with Max Pacioretty.

…

Once back in Russia, he had no problem producing. With Metallurg Magnitogorsk, he put up 14 points in 20 games, and added another 15 points in 23 playoff games on the way to a Gagarin Cup.

Habs management missed a trick.

You mighta noticed my good good boys Galchenyuk and Lars Eller don’t play for the Habs anymore, either. Habs management has missed a lotta tricks whenever they’ve gotten ahold of a non white-North American (I am including the ones they still have. Pour one out for poor Price and Patches.) All love in the world to my former-fellow fans, but the management is fucked.

Not playing Semin wasn’t their worst fuck up, but it cost them a chance (not a promise, but at least a damn chance) at the championship in 2015. And also cost them my heart. Whatever.

#Sasha Semin #long post cw

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raventons · 6 years

Text

99 q/a for 2017

1. What’s the toughest decision you made today? To get out of bed after a 3 hour nap.

2. What’s the toughest decision you made this year? I would say turning around at the airport, not going to Moscow, deciding my mental health is more important than that trip. However, I was just following my fear, which is quite an easy feeling to follow. And I have not once found myself second guessing that call. I am not one to dwell too much on decisions like that. I honestly contemplate more about what I’m having for dinner, or what underwear to buy – and I always end up regretting or celebrating those decisions more.

3. What’s the toughest decision you ever made? Once I spent over an hour deciding if I wanted carbonara or caciatora. I went with caciatora, and that day I learned that if you are in doubt, you should always go with what your dinner company orders. My dad got carbonara, and it was out of this world. If you order the same thing as your date, it might still be the lesser option, but at least you will not know what you are missing. As an intellectual, this is one of the conclusions I’m the most proud of.

4. What have you forgotten? Almost all the math I was taught in high school.

5. If you were guaranteed the answer to one question, what would it be? I would love to know who is answering me, and how they got the ability to answer any question ever.

6. What’s it like being you right now? Better than it has been. A lot better. I’d say good.

7. What makes you nostalgic? Lenny Kravitz, long car rides, the soundtrack of midsummer murders and the smell of old Swedish cabin in a Småland forest (we all know that smell).

8. If you had two hours left on earth what would you do? Sit close to my parents, and talk about our life together. And tell them how grateful I am and how happy they’ve made me.

9. What’s the most beautiful word in the world? The Swedish Blockchoklad or the Russian Nemnoga

10. Who makes you laugh more than anyone? Alex, no doubt.

11. What did your father teach you? How to show affection, how to make people laugh, how to interact with strangers, how to put together a good outfit, how to cook and pretty much everything I know on economy and religion. And how much it means to have amazing parents that never, not even once, let you down.

12. What did your mother teach you? How to not give a shit about anyone’s opinion, how to appreciate simplicity, how to be a storyteller, how to calm down when afraid, how to love without giving yourself up, how to be badass and pretty much everything I know on literature, self-esteem and really bad British crime stories. And how much it means to have amazing parents that never, not even once, let you down.

13. What’s the best gift you’ve ever given? An orange moose I gave to my dad. It was really cheap and dumb, but he had just been diagnosed with a chronical disease (he is much better now) and everything just seemed to fall apart. So I did what any good daughter would do, I bought him a stuffed animal. It made him smile. And he still keeps it by his bedside. It’s called the vomit moose, since that was the most… obvious symptom at the time.

14. Best gift you ever received? My friend Lin gave me a card once with pictures and drawings of us. I love it and still have it ten years later.

15. How many times a day do you look in the mirror? Way too many.

16. What do you bring most to a friendship? I’d like to think I am funny. I talk too much, and always about the wrong and often quite strange things, but when I’m in the right mood and they’re in the right mood; I’d say I am funny.

17. If 100 people in your age group were selected randomly, how many do you think they’d find leading a happier life than you? Very few if we are talking happy as in privileged. I am so very lucky and have had so many fortunate turns in my life.

18. What is or was your best subject in school? Social science.

19. What activity do you do that makes you feel most like yourself? Writing.

20. What makes you feel supported? I do. (Wow, I am actually quite proud of that answer, but it is true. Sometimes I look for help or motivation in others, but confidence and shit I truthfully only find in myself).

21. Whom do you secretly admire? Secretly? No one. I admire a lot of people, and I think I make sure to tell them.

22. What time of the day do you feel the most energetic and what do you usually do in those moments? Noon. Usually waste that energy on procrastination.

23. What’s something you never leave home without? Pants.

24. What’s a recurring dream you have? Teeth falling out. Or organs. I quite often have nightmares about some stuff that is supposed to be inside or attached to my body suddenly isn’t.

25. What makes you feel safe? Blankets and tea.

26. What’s the best thing that ever happened to you? Discovering international law as my field of work.

27. What do you want people to say about you once you’re gone? That I was smart.

28. What’s the coolest thing about science? Well… let’s go with nature science, because my field of research is not cool at all. I think it’s about the fact that nature is there. It’s not something we invent or solve, it’s something we discover. It’s all written, all the answers are out there somewhere. All the equations, all the numbers, they all correspond to a reality we only see fragments of. It’s like humanity is reading a book together, and the physicists and biologists flip the pages. And for each chapter we find out more and more about how the world around us works.

29. What’s the best money you ever spent? My skinny, black jeans.

30. What’s a bad habit you have? Listening to bad music. I don’t want to support sexist or racist producers. Still here I am, having my playlists filled with pop about grabbing pussies. I’m also weirdly addicted to marzipan.

31. What are you grateful for? My professors and a free education.

32. Whom are you envious of? Almost everyone. But it varies, passes and comes back. It depends on the day. Or the hour.

33. What’s an image you’ll never forget? Well, I have to go with a few summers ago when me and a former classmate ended up skinny dipping in a sunset down at Österlen. But actually, the first thing that came to mind was the real holocaust footage that was included in the TV-show The Promise. I had to leave the room, could not finish the series and I still think about it quite often.

34. Describe a near-death experience. My brain thinks I have one daily, but I don’t think I’ve ever had one. Once I got my luggage lost in Russia, and we had to drive around downtown St Petersburg for hours in a shady cab. It was all fine and no hostile environment what so ever, but when I tell the story it really sounds quite near-death.

35. If you had a clone, what would you have the clone do? Dishes.

36. What’s your idea of Heaven? A lot of cozy spots by windows with rain outside. Good food, good tea and good conversation. A book shelf would be nice too.

37. What’s your idea Hell? Bad food, bad tea and bad conversation.

38. When did you know? Did I ever?

39. What can you do better? I could be more structured. I literally have no routines at all.

40. When are you most yourself? When I am alone, covered in loud music.

41. What superpower would you most like to have? Time travelling but without all the complicated world-war-shit to come with it.

42. If you were granted three wishes, what would you do with the second wish? Fix up the UN.

43. What is your actual superpower? I am very, very analytic. I am also amazing at app games.

44. If you won 100 million dollars, what would you buy first? I would love to own a goat. But well, that’s more of a management problem than an actual money problem.

45. What's the best sound in the world? Waves. Or someone biting in chocolate.

46. What’s perfect about your life? My parents. And Amanda. She is a wonderful person.

47. What song do you sing only when you’re alone and what memory does it bring back? Min Kärlek av Shirley Clamp. And there is no memories connected, it’s just fucking brilliant.

48. Describe a moment you were so embarrassed you wanted to disappear. When I was 8 we had a quiz in class, and I answered cow instead of turtle (I will NOT tell you the question).

49. How many times a day do you think about money? Every time I use it.

50. Who has been the biggest influence on you in your relationship to money? My parents.

51. What's one thing you're certain of? Cows don’t have shells.

52. Describe one of your colossal failures. I think I just did.

53. What makes you cringe? People trying to make memes a thing you can refer to in real life.

54. What does your inner voice tell you? To shut up. I tell it the same.

55. What crime have you considered committing? I don’t even bike without a helmet. I am a pussy.

56. What's great about your mom? Her hair is amazing.

57. What’s great about your dad? His hair is not so very amazing (and I inherited it) but he has other good qualities. He collects post-cards for example. That’s pretty cool.

58. Which day would you gladly re-live? The day in third grade when I won the egg-cracking championship at our school.

59. What are you awesome at? Egg-cracking, obviously.

60. What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you? That I seem decent.

61. When were you most afraid? Berlin, 2014.

62. What are you terrible at but love to do anyway? Sex, probably.

63. What weapon would you carry during the Zombie Apocalypse? An axe or a sword. Or a nuke, if bad goes to worse.

64. Which of your five senses would you keep if you could only keep one? I would like to hear shit.

65. What’s something you love to make? Pancakes.

66. What do you cook better than anyone? This weird ass pasta with butter. It’s unhealthy but so damn good.

67. What do you wish you’d invented? The airplane. Or well… the flying machine or whatever it was called when it was invented.

68. What would you like to invent? A new UN system.

69. Out of 100 random people, where would you rank yourself in terms of your intelligence? Pretty high.

70. Where do you want to be right now? Venice.

71. If you could be someone else for a day who would it be and why? Graham Norton. He seems so happy. And he is funny and smart and his job seems to be really cool.

72. What makes you feel powerful? My Hans Zimmer playlist.

73. What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said? Considering how empty my brain is right now, I think it has done quite some work on supressing those memories.

74. What’s the meanest thing someone has ever said to you? Actually, most people are nice. I don’t think anyone has ever been really mean to me. Sometimes I get hurt, when people say I am pretentious or annoying. But the only reason they say that (and the only reason it hurts) is it’s true.

75. What three words would you have on your grave stone? Let me sleep.

76. What’s your first thought when you wake up? Let me sleep.

77. What’s one thing you wake up to in the middle of the night worrying about? Usually if I have cancer in the prostate since I need to pee ALL the time. But then I remember I am a female.

78. If you could tell someone something anonymously, what would it be? I would tell my cousin Johan to never be insecure about anything. He is probably the most awesome, complete and admirable person in the world.

79. Whom would you like to forgive and forget? The people who made two and a half men.

80. If you could get rid of one of your responsibilities today, what would it be? Dishes.

81. What type of person angers you the most? Extreme right wingers who grew up in a place where they had a choice. Of course you can’t blame people for reacting to the environment around them, and get affected by their culture – but people who grow up with access to information and without oppression – how on earth did you make those conclusions?

82. What is your greatest strength? I’m confident about my intellect.

83. What is your worst weakness? I’m insecure about pretty much everything else.

84. How do you show your love for others? Tiny surprises. It can be buying them flowers, cleaning their apartment or just answering a two years old text and apologize for forgetting their existence.

85. Why are you here in this room right now? It’s 10 degrees minus outside.

86. When is a time you forgave someone or were forgiven for something? I forgave myself for not doing the dishes. It felt good.

87. What’s the biggest mistake you ever made? Talking too much. I always talk too much. It’s not one big mistake at one certain event. But it keeps on happening and I never fucking learn.

88. What are you hiding? Nothing.

89. What’s your unanswerable question--the question you seem to always be asking yourself? Can there be true objectivity?

90. What are you ashamed of? My fetishes.

91. What is stopping you? Panic attacks. Or walls, mostly.

92. What’s a secret you have? I really have no idea what I am going to do with my life.

93. How do you secretly manipulate people to get your way? I don’t do this on purpose, but I’ve noticed it happening without actively thinking about it. I usually express a will to rely on people, and come across as weak and fragile, making them think I need their help and protection – when I am really just better of on my own.

94. When was the last time you apologized? This morning.

95. What is the biggest lie you tell yourself? That I am a cool and mysterious person that people look up to.

96. What’s the moment you left childhood behind? Probably when I moved out from home and went grocery shopping for the first time. Deciding if I needed milk or not was my first ever adult decision.

97. What's missing from your life? Structure. And home cooked meals.

98. Do you believe in a higher power? No.

99. What are you ready to let go of? About half my closet and my fear of flying.

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