#tbh I’ve been a lot more harder on myself as of late for whatever reason about my art

[squuote]

WHY IS YOUR ART SO GOOD!!!!!!! I want to print it out on paper and eat it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAAAGHHH TYTYTY ;___; eating art is like the highest praise to me omg that means the world to me!!! I’m still so surprised that people enjoy my stuff this much sometimes but it makes me rlly happy!!

#asks #anon #WAAA TY ANON WEEPS #tbh I’ve been a lot more harder on myself as of late for whatever reason about my art #so seeing people say they enjoy it n stuff is honestly rlly helpful aaa

[yslore]

Writing Asks

thank u to sarah @soldouthaz, lily @theisolatedlily and late @tomlinvelvetfics for tagging me !!

1. describe how you first started writing and when you first posted

started in eighth grade after moving which fucked me up (i’m still to recover lmao) n i needed a distraction, reading had always helped but writing is what let me see what the root of my agony was. (im not trying to be pretentious i swear) i first started on wattpad (love hate relationship to this day) and beginning of lockdown this year gravitated to ao3 which has been my saving grace !!!

2. which of your characters do you typically resonate most closely with? do you base any characters off of yourself?

so far i’ve mostly written in louis’ pov. i’ve had to ask this question in the early stages — i resonate the closest to harry. most of my wips are harry centric for that reason. i mean, yes and no — i tend to take some part of me and fit it into the character but at the same time i don’t like seeing me on a page so yes and no.

3. where do you often find inspiration?

EVERYWHERE. mostly others’ stories be it in the way of songs, music, writing, art. usually it’s me coming across a vaguely aesthetic picture and my brain spitting out one or two random scenes and me trying to make that a story.

4. has quarantine helped or hindered your writing process?

both !!! i have new wips but also i lost a lot of motivation to do anything for a bit. school is sucking the soul out of me — it’s both easier and harder with it being online, the worst part is i can never truly feel like i’m getting a break from it. recently it’s been easier for me bc of the friends i made (ily all) it’s hindered a little bit bc i can’t go out and watch people and streetlights and the blur of cars and try to pour out that feeling into words and create something. at the same time it’s helped me gain more perspective on people and relationships which has been a massive help to writing in general.

5. do you listen to music/noise while you write or do you prefer silence?

depending on the number of classes i have/attend, my mental stability, the story and my sensitivity. i often can’t stand loud noises so there’s that but there is always some noise or the other so it’s never truly silent. i like it that way. sometimes i just play intense studying playlist on spotify and write, Lucida by Odin Sørlie and Haunted Heart by Dawn, Dawn, Dawn are my favourites.

6. what is your biggest writing pet peeve in your writing or in general?

excessive usage of the same word in mine. in general, i’m not a fan of stereotypical characters or romanticising harmful themes.

7. describe your ideal writing setup

2 am, in bed, music still ringing in my ears, three texts from my best friend about a story or about their day. under the blanket, the room smelling of chocolate or something sweet.

8. favorite time of day to write?

anytime but afternoon. those hours are for naps.

9. favorite genre to write + one you’d like to try writing in the future?

fiction? i’d love to write a fantasy au 👀

10. do you struggle with writer’s block? how do you typically overcome it?

yep yep. i just edit an old story or read my old works or other writers’ fics. i gave up trying to force myself into writing — i hated the end product and felt bad so.

11. what is the easiest part of your writing process and the most difficult?

probably the emotions? dialogue without a doubt — i dread writing it. it doesn’t come to me naturally. i can write lengths without dialogue tbh. also smut — it’s an eh eh aspect.

12. how do you come up with original characters? (if applicable)

my wonderful friends. they do dumb shit and i want to tell the world about their dumb shit so i make characters out of them.

13. what is your favorite and least favorite word?

as of now it is fucker — delightful word that one. least favourite is probably squelch — just no.

14. what is one thing about your writing that you’re really proud of and one thing you hope to continue working at?

the dreamy feeling i manage to write without a doubt !!!! dialogue and pacing. i don’t have the best dialogue or the pacing or the length for fics but i’m working on all of those !!

15. what work of yours has your favorite ‘verse/world building? how did you come up with it?

still a wip so i can’t tell you much except that it’s a proper treat. will write this once i’ve posted that fic !!

16. what font and size do you write in? single spaced or double?

*nervous laughter* the font changes from fic to fic — crush is comic sans, size 11. October was Lora, 11. Twisted in bedsheets is courier new, 11. stargazing is spectral, 11. so yeah — whatever the fic demands. single spaced !!!! except when i’m overwhelmed i do double spaces.

17. what is a typo(s) you find yourself making consistently?

I Cannot Type. if you think i can — congratulations you were fooled. autocorrect is the loml.

18. (if applicable) do you separate fic writing from fandom?

of course !!!! i basically do not exist out of my writing.

19. what emotion is your favorite to write? which is the most difficult?

pain, pining, longing. lust.

20. what is one thing you hope readers always take away from your works?

we’re all fucked up but we’re trying and trying sometimes is enough. you shouldn’t spend your life carved out around one person. it’s okay to ask for help and need a shoulder to lean on. i hope these come across in my future fics !!!!

21. what is the best and worst writing advice you’ve ever received?

bold of you to assume i’ve ever received advice.

22. which one of your works would you most want to see turned into a film/television show?

a new fic. will update the answer once that fic is out !!!!!

23. do you write scenes chronologically or out of order?

chronologically. i can’t do out of order. i do have a page full of scribbles but they are to tell me the order sjakmd.

24. how do you handle criticism?

if it’s constructive then well. no thick skin tbh. makes me feel as if i need validation from someone else on my art which isn’t necessary but my brain is wired to seek it and it’s a hassle.

25. what is the advice you would give to someone who is looking to start writing?

write everything you would want to read. write it bad, don’t worry about the quality. don’t worry about the audience. end of the day, it should be something you can turn to for comfort not something that makes you feel bad.

26. what kind of feedback on your work always makes your day?

people telling me they like my writing and it could take them out of this world for a few minutes !!!!!

27. which fic ‘verse of your own would you most like to exist in? which fic’s characters would you most like to befriend?

probably crush verse !!!! harry — his is probably the one character where i dump most of me in.

28. what do you always enjoy getting asks about/wish people would ask about more?

rant to me about anything. i enjoy talking. ask me about wips so i can take the little guilt and write more.

29. what has writing added to your life? how has it changed you?

it’s nice to let go and express things and create characters with a better situation than mine.

30. why do you write?

keep myself busy.

boost yourself + tags

1a. share the last sentence you wrote

No kissing. No flashbacks.

2a. describe the wip you’re most excited about

a little something i’m writing inspired by @brickredtoe’s art !!!!

3a. share the piece of dialogue from one of your works you’re most proud of

ok. well. from 5436 miles

“Or we could always add a trail of stars to one of those moons,” he replies, words dragged out, rolling around in his mouth.

He can see the glint in his eyes even behind his closed lids. Everything about Louis is inked and etched into every fiber of his being.

He would’ve kissed him, words pouring from his mouth into Harry’s, only half his.

He snorts. “And make it seem like the moon has a buttplug? No, thanks.”

4a. share the best first and last lines from your work(s)

both my published fics have circular endings.

5436 miles — Louis always had more stars in his eyes.

these tornadoes are for you — His heart beats in peace.

5a. link to the last fic you read.

sugary sweet by the immensely talented @soldouthaz

6a. link the last work you published

here

7a. link to your ao3 (if applicable)

wheeee

8a. someone that inspires you

taylor. she’s so so wonderful.

9a. a comfort fic/work that you’ve been grateful for this year

all of riv, sarah, ris and late’s fics. they’ve been so so comforting. Event Horizon by @mercurial-madhouse

10a. other writers that you’d like to tag!

@mercurial-madhouse @harryanthus are the only ones coming to mind atm. i’ve been up for too long apologies.

#long post #games #writing asks #q q q

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

You said we can ask you questions so here goes( hope they arent invasive)

-at what age did u realise u were lesbian?was it easy/hard to accept?

-how was your coming out like? How did your family and friends react?

-were you ever/are you religious?do u believe one can balance between being homosexual and religious?

- were you always masc or is it something that came with accepting your sexuality?

-do you call yourself a stud?

- how hard/easy has it been being an out and proud black lesbian?

- thoughts on the stigma against stud4stud/butch4butch lesbians

-were you ever a TRA/libfem? If yes, what made you peak?

-ive had ppl talk about how masc lesbians being touch-me-nots is problematic/toxic and how its more about upholding a "status" than it is about preference. What do you make of that?

Not invasive at all! I'm happy to answer and thank you for asking :).

- I realized I was a lesbian at age 12 when I developed a HUGE crush on my gorgeous English teacher. I also got a small crush on a girl in one of my classes. I didn't grow up around much homophobia so it wasn't hard for me to accept that I was gay but what was hard was the absolute intensity of my feelings towards my teacher. I used to pray to god to have my feelings for her taken away because they were just so intense and I didn't know how to handle them (she was my teacher so I clearly wasn't going to ask her out. There was literally no outlet for what I was feeling so I kept it bottled.). My parents never brought up gay people in any positive or negative way and the kids I grew up around didn't really either. So me being gay wasn't something I beat myself up over. Once I accepted that I wasn't an overly invested straight ally, the road to acceptance was a peace of cake tbh.

-My coming out was... Well. I first started coming out to my friends when I was 13 and they were accepting of it. It honestly wasn't that interesting to tell you the truth 😅. All the peers that I gave a shit about never gave me shit for being gay. I never lost a friend for being gay. Coming out to my parents took me until I was 16 and the reason for that is because I genuinely didn't know how they'd react. Like I said, they never said anything about gay people point blank period. However, I was kind of forced to come out one particular night because my heart had been fucking shattered by a girl I was strongly crushing on at the time. I was pacing up and down my house, my best friend wasn't answering me, I could hear my dad's TV playing, it was late, I was tired, I couldn't sleep, I had school tomorrow, I was freaking out, I was devastated... I wanted to be comforted so I went to my father, threw my head into his arm and started telling him how my heart felt broken. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and when I said "nope" there was some silence and he was like "it's okay, I've known for a long time". I never actually said the words "gay" or "lesbian" during my coming out but I guess I didn't need to. The next morning, my father asked if it was okay if he could go tell my mom and I said yes. Long story short, my mom was even less surprised than my dad and she's the more progressive of the two so it wasn't really an issue (though she did tell me to keep an open mind in terms of liking men 😅 she seems to think I'm bisexual which is whatever because she never bothers me about it).

-Hmm. I don't like to completely cut out religion from my life. My father was extremely religious and now that he's gone, I feel it's disrespectful for me to say God doesn't exist. Like, "dad, you spent practically your whole life believing wholeheartedly in God but guess what! It was a waste and the thing you dedicated your life is something I think is a fairytale!" that doesn't sit right with me at all. I've been baptized and I used to go to church when I was younger. I think that there's no reason to shake my head at the possibility of a God. In terms of being gay and believing in God, I once watched a video by a devout Christian gay man who went through all the homophobic stuff Christians love to quote from the bible and gave the actual meaning behind them. I, personally, do not think that God is homophobic. I think that God's love is not something we have the capacity to understand. So, I, personally, think Christian gay people are perfectly fine and are already balanced. Here's to hoping that they stay away from homophobic churches!

-No, I wasn't always masc. As a child I was a huge girly girl. Like, legit, I wasn't a tomboy in the slightest lmao. I'm not sure when I started being masc. But what I do know is that I've grown far more masc over the years. I used to not want to dress too manly (no tuxedo's and no clothes from the men's section and no boxers) but nowadays I love all of those things and that's genuinely what I want in my wardrobe so I have no problem going into the men's section for my clothes.

-No, I don't call myself a stud. Love those guys though. The label I feel that's most accurate for me is masc.

-Um, I'm not sure how to answer this since I don't have experience being any other kind of lesbian. I guess it's just kind of tiring. I'm black, female, and homosexual. That's a LOT of different topics to give my attention to. The hardest part of being a black lesbian is knowing who to give my camaraderie to. Do I give it to black women? Black women AND black men? Lesbians? Only black lesbians? The lgb community as a whole? It's just a lot to think about. I will say, though, I think that it's a lot harder to be a masc black lesbian than a white one. Black women are already perceived as manly just based off of our skin color. So for me to willingly present masc can often be... A non-pretty picture in the eyes of society and I'm hyper-aware of that which is why I often have trouble going all out with the wardrobe I truly desire. That's my biggest challenge navigating the world as the black lesbian that I am. On a more positive note though, it's great being a black lesbian because I can have an opinion on everything and nobody can tell me I'm being racist/homophobic/sexist or stepping outside of my lane 😂. I'm on a three-lane road motherfucker and I'm not afraid to use all of them.

-my thoughts are that you should leave people alone. I will say though, I once read something that was like "if you call yourself a femme but the idea of being with a butch disgusts you, you're not a femme, you're just a feminine lesbian" and that rang true to me so it feels hypothetical (and nonsensical) if the reverse wasn't true as well. If a butch/stud shits on femmes and assumes they can't be as feminine as they are and ACTUALLY gay then I do have a problem. Butches and femmes have a history that's damn near inseparable from each other so for a butch to shit on femmes... I'd argue that they're probably not butch but instead just masculine lesbians. However, I don't care if two butches or studs want to date lmao. All the power to them, I hope they're happy.

-I definitely used to support trans rights more than I do now. I would correct people who misgendered others. I thought trans women were women. I was in support of bathroom laws. I never made posts about it, but I very much did believe it. Magdalen berns made me peak. I started realizing that gender makes no sense. I did some research and came to the conclusions I hold today. Even when I want to go back to my ignorance, I can't because I've seen too much by now.

-I honestly don't know. I think that some masc lesbians don't want to be put in that "feminine" position of being touched by their partner. It could stem from upholding a status but at the end of the day, sexual boundaries are sexual boundaries. What are you gonna do? Force your touch on to them? Yikes. Leave them be. If you're upset about your partner not wanting to be touched by you then get a new one. Clearly you're not sexually happy so leave. I don't think it's necessarily toxic unless they think there's something inherently demeaning in being touched by their partner or they do want to be touched but won't allow themselves due to trauma or feeling like there's a certain persona they must uplift. Other than that though, I don't see the issue.

Thanks for the questions, buddy ❤️

[brokebuckkmountain]

Need advice desperately, I can’t make a single goddamn decision in my life lately. Could use a neutral party to way in!

pls don’t RB

So. Tomorrow morning I’m supposed to be going on a week long vacation in the woods. No service or electricity, just the trees and floating down the river and drinking all day. I went last year, and it was a blast (my friend’s family is a part of a country club essentially, and it’s their yearly trip. My boss is also a part of this country club). However-

There’s a lot making me anxious to go this year. For starters, I’ve been down pretty bad lately re: my mental health (like almost calling the cops on myself before I did something bad). My friend I’m going with has her own struggles with food and exercise, and she’s usually constantly commenting on my food choices or encouraging me to “burn off” meals with workouts and lose more weight. A lot of our friendship was working out and dieting together, but I had hoped it would stop when she found out about my ED. But she doesn’t think my ED is “that bad”. In general, being forced to eat around a lot of people I don’t know, where I don’t have any say in the food being prepared (the actual members of the country club picked the meals and she and her boyfriend bought all our trip snacks with an emphasis on low cal vegan food) is anxiety inducing for me. That being said, she did tell me last year that if I couldn’t handle eating in a group, we could take off and eat alone in the woods.

I’m also pretty tense in my work situation. My boss is essentially screwing me over, so I’m pretty upset with him despite being outwardly friendly. He’s actually giving my friend the same opportunity I got passed over for, despite being told months ago I was lined up for it. It’s an opportunity for a lot of people, so it’s not like I got passed over because it went to her- that I wouldn’t mind so much, to see her thriving in my place. Essentially every good employee who has been with the company longer than a year got this opportunity, except me. It’s pretty embarrassing to be the only one left out, and some of my shitter coworkers are kind of laughing at me for it. I really feel like I’m in middle school again tbh. I really don’t want those two to be excitedly talking about it, rubbing salt in the wound.

The other big one, the reason I’ve been anxious to go for months, is a little awkward. Last year it was just my friend and I in a tent. This year, her boyfriend is coming. They want to share a tent, although I’m trying to find a smaller one for just myself in my family’s storage. They’re a super touchy couple, grabbing each other’s junk and taking clothes off and making out in front of me all the time. Even if I verbalize that I’m uncomfortable. I think the fact that I talk about sex openly (I mean, I want to be a sex therapist) and the fact that we once played a game of strip poker, makes them think I don’t have any boundaries with them. But I don’t actually want to see it, which I’ve said.

The two of them have been very open, and very pushy, about the three of us having group sex. I probably could’ve shut it down harder, but at first I thought they were kidding and joked along. I also have a really hard time establishing boundaries (something I’m working on), and my closest friends are afraid that if I’m stuck in the woods with them, intoxicated, then I’ll give in if they push enough. They have this mentality that they can “fix me” and make me like things I say I don’t, and apparently when I first met the boyfriend and was blackout drunk (we were all drinking, I just hadn’t eaten enough that day), some stuff happened that I only learned about much later.

My brother offered to go on a mini vacation with me instead, since I have all this time off work. He and I are best friends and do stuff together all the time, so I know it’d be fun. We went on vacation together a couple months ago and had a blast.

But I am the type of person who loves the woods. Most vacations don’t recharge me, unless it’s camping. Something about it just brings my mind a ton of peace. That, plus having a week long break from my phone and the outside world, could be the very thing I need to sort through all the stuff I’ve been dealing with lately. I always come back from camping trips much better adjusted than when I left.

Last year I was similarly anxious about this trip. I didn’t know anyone going, so a week out of state with no phone or car with a group of strangers made me nervous. But I went anyway, and had a great time. Last time it was the fear of the unknown that made me anxious, this year it’s trying to analyze the known stuff and trying to sus out how it will go down.

My friend has a tendency to do whatever she wants, and it frustrated me last year that my days were tied to whatever she wanted to do. A much larger group went last year, so I was able to break away from her and befriend the much older country club members. This time it’s essentially her entire family (who I’m super tight with), my boss and his husband, and one other much older couple. So my options are significantly more limited. And while my boss and his husband are fun party drunks, they’re also only going to be there for like 3 days.

It could be the time off my life and the exact thing I need right now. Or it could be awkward and hard for me. I can make the best of any situation, so I know I’ll be fine, but maybe it would be best for me to just take this time to sort my shit out at home with my biggest supporter and favorite person (the stupid brother).

I thought I would figure it out by now, but it’s the eleventh hour, and I still don’t know what to do.

#all my other friends and family think i shouldnt go #but then they also thought i was crazy for going last time. #personal

[blooming5th]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — Pretty strictly, I think? I mean... I do always try my best to stick to canon events because although I am a big fan of AUs, I absolutely suck at writing canon-divergent characters. I also look out for possible dialectisms that come from Hinamori & put some work towards Hinamori’s personal development; all of this according to whatever has happened to her in canon / is shown by her in canon.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  There’s an entire world waiting beyond Hinamori’s pretty face? She’s still pretty much just a baby when in comparison to many other Lieutenants (being the second youngest, right after lil Yachiru), which makes her super innocent and funny. She’s also very upbeat, easy-going, and friendly! She’s such a devoted Lieutenant and honestly a great worker? Super strong with her kido spells, too! A great student?! A very, very good girl, honestly! She’s the greatest person you will ever meet, I swear to GOD !!

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  Most of the people, from what I can perceive from reading different opinions and have read through my years in Bleach forums and such, is that she’s pretty mentally weak. Hinamori seems to be extremely unbalanced and the previously mentioned devotion actually becomes... a weakness? Although I don’t agree with it ( mostly because I do believe her devotion towards Aizen was induced and not... something natural ), I can understand what people mean by this. Also, she mostly uses magic spells and keeps herself at a certain distance when in combat;; which people might easily perceive as her being weak when it’s just... her fighting style and body stature.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  I have roleplayed Hinamori for over 6 years now? almost 7, actually. I made this blog in 2014, however, I was supposed to be writing Hitsugaya. I ended up changing my entire blog’s aesthetics, not even a week later, to match Hinamori and decided to try her out. Why? Well... long story short... the fandom was full of Hitsugaya blogs. asjhdfasjdhfg I didn’t want simply be just one more in the ocean of amazing Hitsugaya writers;; so I decided to write someone who gave me access to heavy development ( because there was so little content back then ) and fun times ! lil peach was the obvious answer!

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  Most of the time its music? Whenever I decide to focus on an rp blog, I create a go-to playlist that helps me channel the muse’s traits and helps me write with more ease! That... and re-reading manga pages that might make me come up with headcanons, which I, later, always tend to apply to threads. Oh yeah, uh... LMAO! How could I forget? Talking to friends and discussing things with them, also often lets my creativity soar and helps me channel my muse’s persona. uwu

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO.

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO. 

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO. 

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day?  YES / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO.

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  Honestly, yes? I am a person that needs to receive constant criticism & is very open about it, too. I often find myself asking for criticism & find myself craving for bigger improvement.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  HELLS TO THE YES !! But then again... who doesn’t? It makes me so so happy whenever I receive a question or a simple message that might help me develop Hinamori’s character traits or behaviours? I love my girl so much;; knowing that others want me to gush about her amazingness & make her grow even more is nothing but an honour to me, tbh.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  Well... yeah? But not in a bad way, of course! I absolutely love discussing headcanons and getting different points of view from things ( such as headcanons, in this specific topic ) so I can center myself and find a clearer way to analyze things! Discussing headcanons is dope, man!

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  This is going to be a pretty short response cause ;; I don’t care? I’m not here to really... please others. I’m here to have fun for my own self and to enjoy writing with other amazing fellas. Ain’t nobody gonna rain on my parade with unnecessary negativity;;

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  I haven’t ever seen many people hate Hinamori’s character? However, I do have seen quite the few people disregard her as the important character she is, or reduce her to a level that doesn’t... entirely fit the reason why she was created. Still, it’s none of my business. I don’t let it get to me or feel... the need to do anything about it? Or even talk about it? I can’t really change people’s views, so I often would just rather love my baby peach and let others do as they please.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  ABSOLUTELY? It’s even part of my rules like ;; please tell me if you ever find a grammatical error ANYWHERE in my blog. English isn’t my mother tongue and thus it can be very difficult for me to keep up with fancy writing while also sticking to correct grammar? idk if this makes sense but... yknow.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  I do think I am very easy going kind of fella? Sometimes it takes me forever go get to messages ( both through discord & IMS ), but I think that’s because lately I’ve been feeling super emotionally drained ;; I haven’t been out of my goddamn house for three months and I sincerely miss seeing faces that aren’t my parents. I did take a drive the other day but... sobs... it left such a bittersweet taste. ANYWAY !! Yes. I’m very easy going and talkative. Also a big, big enthusiastic? And positivist! I am someone who always prefers to stick to the bright side of life and ignore anything that might be the least problematic so yeah ~ I am uwu. Come meet me. I’m cool. I swear.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by: @hirako5hinji​   ( aka the greatest taichō ever. uwu go to bed harder next time, Anna. ♡ ) Tagging: ANYONE WHO WANTS TO DO IT !! just steal it from me. be gay. do crimes.

#🌺 ✖ ✖ 𝕗𝕚𝕗𝕥𝕙'𝕤 𝕡𝕖𝕒𝕔𝕙 — ♡ ic challenges // #🌺 ✖ ✖ 𝕞𝕒𝕘𝕚𝕔𝕚𝕒𝕟'𝕤 𝕣𝕒𝕕𝕚𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕖 — ♡ ooc challenges // #( this was so much fuuuuuuuuuuuuun omg I'm cryin #but it took me forever to get to ?? so OOF )

[lalka-laski]

1. Do you think getting high is lame?   I don’t mind weed. I mean, I think people who consider their pot-smoking a personality trait are annoying but I like to live and let live. 

2. What do you want most out of life?   I just want inner peace and happiness, in whatever form that may be. That’s all I want. 

3. Who would you love to punch in the face right now?   HA I could think of a few people.... 

4. Have you ever had to call 911?   Mhm 

5. Are you more scared of going to the doctors or dentists?   I get a little flustered going to the dentist just because my dentist is hot ;) 

6. Do you edit a lot of your pictures?   I’ve been guilty of over-editing and Facetuning pics in the past, but I’ve gotten better in recent years. The other day I let Glenn post a photo of us completely unedited and unfiltered, and it was a small victory for my body dysmorphia. 

7. What was the silliest thing you got mad about this week?   Last week I came home from work after a hectic day and screamed into my pillow, cried, then fell asleep. It was partially stress from my dumb job and partially time-of-the-month moodiness. 

8. Are you one of those people who will not use a public washroom?   Nah. I have a ridiculously small bladder so when I gotta go, I gotta GO! 

9. Do you enjoy board games?   I fucking love them! My favorites are word games, trivia, or conversational games.

10. What was the scariest moment of your life?   I could think of a few incidents but they’re not worth repeating and upsetting myself

11. Do you think you have found your “true love” yet?   Without a doubt, yes!

12. What is your favorite planet? I don’t know shit about planets but I know for sure it’s not Earth!

13. Do you vape?   I have a CBD vape pen that I got for free when my office started selling CBD products. I hardly use it though.

14. Do you have any male names picked out for future children? female names?   More female names than anything. Male names are harder to pick out because I know wayyyy too many fuckboys. That, and the fact that I just wish for all daughters.

15. If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it?   I don’t think there was any specific reason that prompted me to try alcohol for the first time. It was a pretty casual fixture in my family growing up, and my parents allowed us small servings of wine/coolers at young ages to kind of remove the mystique (I presume?). And I tried weed for the first time simply out of curiosity. I was never pressured into anything and the whole narrative of peer-pressuring potheads is a total myth. 

16. Do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant right this second? At this point in my life and relationship, I don’t think I would. 

17. What is your favorite video game console? Why? I don’t play games

18. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?   Hopefully no one? I can’t imagine anyone has much of a reason to right now, but who knows. 

19. Did you cry yourself to sleep lately?   Ha, actually yes. While I cried myself into a nap. 

20. What was your favorite TV show as a kid?   Well it depends what age we’re talking. As a toddler I loved Big Comfy Couch, Gullah Gullah Island, Blue’s Clues. Then as more of a “kid” I loved Rugrats & all the other classic Nick shows. And then as an older kid I discovered Disney Channel and of course, my heart belonged to Lizzie Mcguire! (Still does tbh)

[seekingluckynumberseven]

Day 6: Welcome to My Life

Blech. Over-steeped tea was the absolute worst. Years of listening to Thunderpants lecture about the proper way to brew a cup couldn’t compete with the mystery in front of her. She wrinkled her nose and shoved the offending cup aside to stare at the email posted in the chat. The black headphones pumped out music, drowning out the random thoughts of a certain red head so she could focus on the puzzle. If she danced a bit to the beat, at least no one was here to see… or yell. The movement in the notes and her body always helped with the nervous energy that came along with investigations. Decisions formed from her analysis became ones of life or death in too many situations.

Mint Eye. Well, they at least stuck to a theme. The colors… the gradient flower background; she snorted. Someone in their marketing department needed to go back to school in this decade. Her playlist may have a lot of 80s and 90s music in it, but the rest of those years could stay right in the past. Especially the colors. 

The words screamed “come to my crazy cult party; Kool-Aid for all!”. The ironic choice of the word magenta made her want to dismiss it as spam. A place where everyone is happy, of hopes and dreams, almost as real as the color that didn’t exist. Only manufactured by humans’ brains to make sense of a world gone mad. But over and over history showed how people cling to those contrived ideals and how far they’d go to make them a reality. That was part of the reason her shadow world even existed.

What really made her pause from out and out dismissing it staring back from the small screen. A quick flip of her wrist revealed an eerily similar designed etched into pale flesh. Seven had figured out this was tied to the mysterious hacker. Was it a coincidence that the Seeker’s Eye in the center of the sword was a simpler version of the stylized green and black eye of this Mint Eye? That this “Unknown” had lured a Seeker to this apartment out of all of the targets walking on the street. Coincidences just didn’t happen in their line of work. 

There was a small chance that whoever had created the design had been exposed to a fictionalized version of their organization. The tattoo that adorned her arm was very different from the rest of the Swords. In a way it was a prototype, it’s artist a designer on a very popular video game franchise. He had “borrowed” and modified the idea of their organization to fit the game world. To say that Juno had been unhappy was an understatement. Even more so when Kali had asked him to design a new “sword” to fit her. But the artwork could hide in plain sight because of the game. The old guard truly didn’t understand the need in a world where secrecy was becoming rare. Where unknown hackers could breach the defenses of an organization like theirs without breaking a sweat.

It was a bit rude that they hadn’t invited her or Seven to drink their Kool-Aid. Happiness was in short supply in the secret agent biz. If anyone deserved a few hopes and dreams, it was the red headed hacker. Her imagination was very good at creating dreams that involved him. No cult help needed there. Too bad there truly wasn’t a paradise that could make them into reality. The smirk on her face was wiped off at the now cold, bitter taste of the tea. Ugh… she’d forgotten in her daydreaming. A message popped up in the chatroom before she could empty dump offending brown water.

707: Kali…

707: It’s late. You’re still up?

Kali: Yeah. Don’t sleep much.

Kali: Anyway, I was thinking about you.

707: Me?

707: Oh… Were you thinking about me because you’re nervous?

707: I’m sorry I can’t do anything more for your safety.

Kali: No sorries. Not that at all. 

Kali: That wasn’t at all what I was thinking about tbh.

Kali: Really, I can take care of myself. Any word from V?

707: I tried…

707: But it seems V doesn’t have any service right now.

707: But I left a voice message, so he’ll call me as soon as he hears it.

707: All the RFA members, including you…

707: must be careful for the time being…

707: Please… I hope no one gets hurt because I wasn’t good enough…

Kali: Hey. It isn’t your sole duty to keep everyone safe. We have some responsibility too.

Kali: Plus you’re trying really hard. I’m sure we’ll be fine.

707: That’s… that’s not always the case….

707: You can say that because you don’t know much about me.

707: Kali….

707: I don’t think I’ve told you much about myself.

707: what kind of work I do for the agency…

707: And dark things like that.

707: To be honest…

707: I wanted to show people in the RFA

707: only my bright and fun side.

707: Because the work I do is nothing but dark and filthy.

707: I didn’t want to tell anyone about that.

707: But…

707: now that this is happening… I feel like I should talk about it a little.

707: Because if anything happens…

707: if anything bad happens because of me…

707: you… and all the other members

707: will be in so much shock…

Kali: Nothing bad will happen because of you. 

Kali: I’d like to know about your workplace tho

707: To be honest, the place I work for

707: is a complete shithole

707: where even a mindless joke can get you killed

707: So it’s actually weird

707: for me to say that nothing bad will happen.

707: It’s the only path I could choose, so I don’t want to whine about it.

707: But… I want you to know this.

707: Nothing good will come out of you knowing,

707: but I’m not a clean and bright person…

707: And

707: since you can be put in danger because of me,

707: we need to keep our distance…

707: If we’re like how we are now, where we can’t meet

707: and you’re neither friend nor family, you’ll be safe.

Kali: Not even friends? That’s really sad. 

707: I don’t know.

707: you and me…

707: did we ever have any kind of relationship?

707: We just talked a bit

707: here in this chatroom…

707: And of course, I enjoyed all those conversations… but even those are pointless for me.

707: You know…

707: I only tried to laugh as much as I can in this chatroom,

707: because of the dark place I’m really in.

707: This shithole… is probably the place that suits me best.

707: I hope the members,

707: and especially you, aren’t harmed because of me…

707: but I don’t know.

707: I’ll be more careful from now on.

Kali: Seven, you need to think about yourself too. 

Kali: I’m always here to listen and I’ll do whatever I can to help you.

707: You are always so kind.

707: I wasn’t wrong.

707: You are an angel.

707: You are so kind to everyone,

707: and even though you just found out about the RFA,

707: you fell for my ridiculous threat,

707: and told us you’d help.

707: If I had just let you go then…

707: told V that this isn’t right,

707: convinced him to send you away…

707: you could have just deleted this app

707: and be free…

707: But it’s already happened now

707: so all I can do is be more careful…

Kali: I don’t regret this Seven. Especially getting to know you.

707: Kali…

707: Thank you,

707: but those words will have heavy consequences,

707: so please be careful of what you say.

707: Please don’t think I’m such a good person.

707: Of course,

707: I’ll take care of everything that’s already happened.

707: I’ll try harder for you because I involved you in all this.

707: Whatever happens,

707: I’ll make sure you’re never in danger.

707: but…

707: once this hacker deal is taken care of,

707: there’s something I have to do first…

707: so things might go a bit slow.

Kali: Seven… the agency, are you in danger working for them? Are they threatening you?

707: Don’t worry about it, Kali ^^

707: I’ll just go back to the Seven I always was, and come back after everything’s finished.

707: I’m sorry for being slow.

707: Please tell me

707: if anything strange happens

707: while I finish up my agency work.

707: Alright, Kali?

Kali: I’ll be fine. Just focus on yourself ok?

707: I really hope so…

707: ^^

707: I have to go now.

707: I plan to finish the agency work in a blink of an eye.

Kali: Seven, be careful. And thank you for protecting me. 

707: I don’t deserve to be thanked.

707: I’ll come back soon. Take care of yourself.

707: Then… Good bye.

<707 has left the chatroom.>

Tears hadn't fallen when the bullet pierced her thigh, nor all the times when Juno would beat her within an inch of death as a “test” of control.  But they fell for him, hot wet trails down her checks. Sadness and anger warred to take dominance. Anger won. The phone hit the wall with a solid thunk, a dent left behind in the white drywall. This… this was what their whole organization was formed to monitor and clean up. The Seekers weren’t fulfilling the duty her grandparents had lived and died for. 

What could she even say to alleviate any of the burden on his shoulders? “Don’t worry about me, Seven. I’m the dangerous one, not you. My bad, the people who own my soul aren’t doing their job. Sorry.” He wouldn’t believe her. No one ever would. And that made her one of the Seeker’s most effective tools, a weapon hiding in the body of a young blonde woman with a sad smile and the eyes of a demon.

#msyme fanfic #mysme oc #day six

[vixenslittleasylum-blog]

“All you have to do is say the word.” ft Drew Gulak

What Happened Was:You are the manager of Drew’s little ‘stable of chaos’ and until recently, you two were close friends. But the tension arises. And maybe, your advice to him about a romantic thing prompts you to take a closer look as to why he needed that advice in the first place?

Comments make my black soul happy,tbh. Or reblogs or whatever. Just a writer, returning to this whole writing fanfiction thing so I’ll take what I can get.

Words: 1k+ or something, shit.

Fandom: professional wrestling, 205 Live

Pairing: you / drew gulak.

Warnings: it’s too fluffy! I can’t believe that this little drabble thingy came out of my black hearted ass.

/masterlist/ & /tag squad post/ if you want to be added and tagged in things I write. My masterlist is.. Nonexistent right now? Because this is a new blog for me and I’m starting from scratch here..

You rolled your eyes. He was still at it, pouting like a child. He’d been doing it since you’d left the arena almost two hours ago and the silent treatment and the pouting was starting to get on your last nerve. You didn’t like it when he got like this and lately, it seemed like he did it a lot. You two seemed to stay tense around each other, you were picking up on it. So were your friends.

They kept insisting that maybe if you told him how you felt.. Maybe that tension would melt away. Their insistence that he might even return your feelings, that always served for a good laugh or two when you were out with them having drinks lately.

Drew Gulak… Wanting a mess like you?

Nah. An apocalypse was more likely than that.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Drew shifted his gaze to the passenger window, staring out intently. He’d seen you flirting with Baron again and honestly, that just told him he needed to give up on his little crush on you because you obviously had your mind all made up as to what kind of man you preferred.

Before Baron, you’d been dating some other biker looking asshole that he’d seen at the arena a time or two, hitting on anything with a pair of tits.

“Okay, fine.. Forget I asked. But if this is about that chick you were going to ask on a date, maybe if you made a move of some kind, did something to clue her in..” you let the words linger hesitantly and he chuckled, there was a certain marked bitterness to the chuckle that you noticed and you smirked to yourself, reaching out to lower the volume on the radio.

“Thank God. I was getting a little sick of The Rolling Stones.” Drew muttered the words, mostly hoping it’d steer you off track because if you didn’t get off this particular subject soon, he just had this feeling he’d wind up cracking and spilling it all. He cleared his throat and stated again calmly, “I don’t think it’d matter. She obviously has her type.”

“And? People change ‘types’ all the time.” you air quoted the word types and you gave a soft laugh as you shook your head. You’d definitely changed types because a few months ago?

You would never have given Drew Gulak a second glance.

Maybe it was being placed into an angle where you were the manager of his little ‘stable’ as of late.. Maybe that changed it all.

Or maybe, you had the passing thought, it was the night he’d carried you out of the hotel bar and up to your room and he’d seen to you while you slept off the end result of way too much tequila. The way you two had stayed up until almost 3 am, just talking about pretty much everything.. And the way he left you as you fell asleep and he left you wanting so much more than the formal and slightly awkward hug he offered.

“Yeah? Name one person.” Drew challenged you and he waited, wondering who you’d name, parts of him hoping that maybe… ‘Nah.. you can forget that now. She’s still flirting with Baron.’

“Well, technically, Drew.. I have.”

“You have not. Baron isn’t any different than your ex. He’s almost exactly the same, actually..” he grimaced at the harsh tone he’d taken and he quickly offered a quiet and mumbled apology, even if he didn’t mean it. The truth was, he envied Baron.. and all these other jerks like him. Because there was just something about them that you wanted, and he wanted you so bad he could taste it. But he didn’t dare try to force anything, and he felt like if he did try to flirt or anything, he’d only make things awkward between you two.

Ouch, shit.. that stung a little. - The words did make you wince as you took in what he was saying and you eyed him, a brow raised.  - Maybe, Gulak, if you would open your fucking eyes and notice me, wanting you.. Maybe I wouldn’t have to amuse myself with the other guys. - And you almost blurted it out, instead, you took a deep breath and told him calmly, “Regardless.. People change types all the time. Maybe this girl has. Maybe you just need to try harder. You know.. Maybe actually flirt with her, maybe you let her know she’s wanted. You’re an amazing guy, she’s lucky..” and you trailed off, before you said anything too crazy or revealing of your true feelings.

- Why the fuck are you helping him, exactly? You want him.

Drew sat there, considering your words and pondering over what that last little bit meant exactly.. Were you just being nice? Were you hinting at something? No, he thought to himself, it’d be in my best interest not to get my hopes up.. And maybe, he picked up on hints of your own bitterness and hurt and he stared at you for at least three and a half minutes, puzzling out what had to be bothering you in his mind.

Overthinking, as he typically did.

“Everything alright?” he asked the question tentatively and he eyed you, an expectant gaze, awaiting an answer.

“Yeah, it’s good.. I’m good.. Maybe just a little tired or something. I’ve been having an off night.” you did your best to wave off his concern and you crossed your fingers, hoping it worked. Because if he pushed too much, you’d wind up spilling everything. “Think I’ll just get a drink or something when we get to the hotel.”

The GPS’ automated drone cut through a thickening silence and Drew spoke up quietly, just as you were pulling into the hotel parking lot and killing the engine. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe if I tried… But this girl, I’m pretty sure she won’t notice because I’ve been trying for months now. She’s just… I don’t know.”

When he got out, you were left sitting there, thinking about it, feeling jealous over a girl you didn’t even know anything about because Drew was more than a little vague whenever he’d tell you about her.

For some reason, you found yourself thinking back over the past few months.. To all the little things he did, the little things you did in response and the way you two just.. Clicked.

With the exception of the past few weeks, of course.

And it hit you then..

But you tried to shove it out of your head. Because there was no way it was that simple, there was no way possible you were the girl in question… Right?

No, it couldn’t possibly be that simple because if it were, that meant one thing.. All the flirting you’d been doing with Baron and others in an attempt to get his attention was only doing the opposite and making him want to give up.

You had this feeling that you were right though. The churning of your stomach as you found yourself going back over every single little thing he’d done lately, and some of the bigger things that you’d put off to him merely being a friend and being slightly overprotective of you as a result.

The question remained… What did you do now? Did you attempt bringing up your suspicions? No, you thought to yourself, he’d only laugh and tell you that the girl in question was not you..Then things would get insanely awkward and the tension making you two fight as of late? Welp, that would just worsen.

The storm clouds were rolling in and just as you got out of the car and started to jog towards the building, hoping to catch up to him and confront him, the bottom dropped out. When you finally did make it inside, Drew was nowhere to be seen.

“You’ll be sharing your room this time. Otherwise, we’re all booked. And with that storm, this is probably the best you’re going to get tonight.” the desk clerk held out the key card and you took it, still reeling in shock over what you hoped to be true.

The whole ride up to your room, you were almost bouncing because you were so filled with this energy, this desire to do something about the situation itself before it got so fucked that no one could fix it.

DING!

The elevator slid to a stop on the floor your room was on and you stepped off, walking towards the door just as Drew sent you a text.

KEN DOLL.. WITH A BETTER BODY → hey, you get checked in?

KEN DOLL… WITH A BETTER BODY → Look.. about before.. I’m sorry, just forget it.

You were just sliding your key card into the slot, with the door unlocking when the door was opened from the other side and you looked up into the eyes of your best friend Drew, swallowing hard.

“Drew..”

“You told me to do something, to be more obvious..” he muttered the words quietly and before he had a chance to freak out or backpeddle on his obvious attempt, you were pressing against him and he was trying like hell to keep his balance as your luggage hit the floor of the hallway with a soft thud. He realized quickly what was happening just as your lips were latching onto his and you’d raised to tiptoe. He gripped your ass, pulling you up his body, your legs circled his waist as he squeezed and rubbed your ass and you moaned into his mouth breathlessly.

“It was my fault.. I thought maybe if I flirted with the biggest douchebags on the roster you’d play Superman, I.. Didn’t realize that you’d think I actually preferred those assholes.” the kiss broke at your admission and Drew was gaping, breathing heavily, clearly shocked at what you said.

“Wait, what?”

“I thought if I got in over my head, Drew..”

“You were gonna do.. That..”

“I didn’t know what else to do. I’m not good at this, okay?” you laughed softly and he rested his forehead against yours.

“I’m not either.”

“I’m cold and wet and tired.. Just take me inside, would you?” you shivered in his arms and as you spoke, your lips grazed right against his neck and he chuckled, swallowing hard as his gaze settled on the thin tee shirt you wore before he met your gaze again.

“I’ll take you anywhere you want to go, princess. All you have to do is say the word.”

#drew gulak #drew gulak x reader #drew gulak one shot #drew gulak x reader one shot #fluff overload #fluff one shot #wwe fanfiction #205 Live fanfiction #drew gulak fanfiction

[shultzing]

7/29/2018: did i already say how much of an angel this guy is

8/13/2018: i’m so mad that i’m dating someone so much cuter than me. i never intended for this to happen. my type is usually men who are just above average looking, which I was happy with. now, i have to constantly think about how i look bc I know everyone around us has GOT to be thinking like, wtf is that beautiful man doing w/ that scrubby looking twig in the ancient clothes?? and like... he HAS to know. idc so much if other people are wondering how i got w/ him as long as HE isn’t like... damn, i could be doing so much better... anyways kill me, he is too fucking handsome and this birth control is making my skin break out really bad.

8/22/2018: this whole thing about being in a casual relationship is weird and tbh i’m less and less a fan. maybe i need to grow tf up but like, here’s an example. I’m going to a show friday night that’s literally 5 minutes from his house, and i know he’s free friday, and yet i won’t invite him bc i don’t want to see him there bc i don’t want him to be part of my local music world bc then he’ll mean that much more to me and it will be that much harder to feel and act casual. so that feels shitty. and like, i could totally skip the show and just go hang out w/ him, but I know he’s not planning his life around me, so I don’t want to get myself into a frame of mind where i’m sacrificing my stuff to be w/ him, so i make a point to not plan around him and not cancel plans for him. But getting to a point where i actively don’t want him to come to things w/ me is like some kind of accomplishment but also feels like a battle i don’t want to win? like i’m getting too good at it. at first i was like... struggling w/ it and he could probably tell? esp by how much i texted him and what kinds of texts i sent. but now i’m like, i’ve got a handle on it. i’m good. and it makes me sad. like what is the point of a casual relationship? what’s the point of a relationship you barely care about?

8/26/2018: conflict resolution like bosses >:) i know it’s just a beginning but we didn’t ever even get to a point of real conflict, although we were both approaching the subject at hand from wildly different perspectives and pretty high stakes. no insults or even criticisms, just explaining ourselves, being honest, and both quick to apologize. He definitely gets flustered and then gets a lot less precise about what he’s saying but then he’ll circle back to it when he’s had a minute to process/calm down and can fix whatever he mis-explained previously. It’s good to be back to good. 

8/28/2018: first use of a pet name: drunk text -- “Goodnight cutie. Sweet dreams and I’ll talk to you tomorrow <3″

8/31/2018: the way he reacted when i got suddenly skittish/stressed out was a startling moment in a really good way. He stayed so calm/supportive/reassuring. Who knew that was possible? 

9/1/2018: i think we’re becoming friends :’) meeting someone on a dating app, everything is backward bc the romance and skin comes before the friendship/knowing the person/etc so whenever we hang out for long enough to have time to get into decently long conversations and learn about each other or fight over whether william carlos williams is a good poet or not... it’s nice, and more special. Like, oh! that’s who you are?

9/8/2018: the way that relationships evolve is strange. like, a couple of weeks ago, just getting a text from M or not getting a text from him could change my mood and ability to focus so much bc everything was so new and uncertain and both exciting and stressful. now it’s okay either way. we’ve been dating for a little more than 2 months and things are getting to be sort of familiar and comfortable and less of a constant heart attack. the newness is still strange, there’s always some surprise. The other night he came over w/ his hair down and I was like ???? since when do you have hair like a young eddie vedder?? what is this?? but he was just like... yeah, that’s how it is right after i shower. i had no idea. it’s nice to literally get to watch someone slowly learn to trust you. he doesn’t act shy but it’s also easy to tell that he always has his walls up, I definitely have never seen them down yet, and that is okay. but the more comfortable he gets, the warmer he gets, and that’s really sweet. i’m frequently surprised by how competent of a person he is. he goes to the gym, he eats healthy, he’s a good boss, he’s a good student, he’s a good dog-parent etc. he asks questions like, “reading anything good lately?” and also corrected me instantly when I said KDC died in 93. he communicates clearly/gently/honestly. i’m getting to know some of his flaws, too. anyways i was out w/ a friend (allison c.) last night and we were talking about how shitty men are. i told her that the reason i’m w/ M is mainly just to get a chance to date someone who seems like he can prove that men can actually be really good. told her a story about how M reacted whenever i was having a bad moment and she was like, “I literally have goosebumps rn.” it was cute. reminded me not to take him for granted while he’s in my life. hope i’m not.

9/11/2018: M’s coming over tomorrow and i can’t waittttt. We try to see each other twice a week but sometimes it doesn’t happen and then it feels like forever. But now it’s less than 24 hours until i can hold his hands and kiss his face and i’m so ready.

9/13/2018: If this relationship is going to stick for a while... i can’t wait for the stage to come where i actually know him well enough that i’m not always overanalyzing/overreacting to every little cue. like there’s so much i don’t know that i can learn little things and be like WAIT WHAT? and get really stressed about it and i can’t wait for that to be over. how long til there’s an underlying level of trust/knowledge/comfort? 

9/23/2018: Okay so for the most part this relationship is starting to feel normal. It still doesn’t always feel real just because he is so segregated from the rest of my life. No mutual friends. no school to share, no work to share, no volunteering or show circuit. No one else has met him or even really knows what he looks like bc of a lack of recent pictures. I’m slowly getting more confident and comfortable within it, even though i do still second guess myself a lot more than i usually do. I guess i’m used to being fussed over and spoiled. But this isn’t like that at all. We’re both a) adults and b) busy and c) on opposite sides of the city and he’s still pretty reserved so I know I’m like, low-ish on his priorities list. Like i’m ON the list, but somewhere beneath going to the gym and getting a haircut, and about 10 miles below his dog. It’s fine, it’s only been like 3 months. Less than that. ANYWAY we’ve finally graduated out of the just-casual-relationship category and into the normal relationship category. Or, he said he thought we did a month ago, but I didn’t realize that’s what he was saying. So now I can stop filtering everything I say and do through that ever-present, “is this too serious?” lens and just do what makes sense/comes naturally. or something. I’m super excited about that bc that was getting really tiring and unromantic. 

9/30/2018: Uhhh, we went back into a weird “unlabeled” category where like we’re monogamous but nothing else is defined? Which I think is really lame but I also am trying to be patient and not pressure him and stuff. But I still think it’s silly and juvenile and kind of embarrassing. I mean I know he has his reasons and he needs to work through them on his own and at his own pace but for ME, it’s silly. Anyways. Still feels like there’s so much I don’t know about him or how he works or thinks or feels. But he still is always surprising me by just sheer level of sweetness. I feel like that’s always how I walk away, like, idk that guy but he sure has a kind heart. 

10/4/2018: Ok the back and forth stalling on what we’re even doing and all the associated casual dynamics have kinda killed the romance for me. like it’s cool and all but i’m done obsessing over the relationship and probably won’t be updating this anymore bc i really don’t care and continuing to write about it is just trying to make it a bigger deal to me than it really is.

10/19/2018: Nearly 4 months in and it’s still such a roller coaster, my perspective, optimism/pessimism and level of happiness change like every 48 hours. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of breaking up because we’re too different or because we overworked the dynamics of our relationship too much. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of stepping closer because our good days really are good. I’m always surprised by how complicated every little thing is, questioning where my feelings are coming from and whether i’m either getting carried away on good days or paranoid and trust-issues-y on bad days. And there is definitely also a background kind of darkness/heaviness surrounding the fact that the more time goes by, the more i understand that i’m really not even close to being over R. But on Wednesday he and I went to Red Emma’s and then took his dog for a walk and then watched princess bride (both of our favorite childhood movie) and ended up staying up til 5-something in the morning just lying next to each other talking about bullshit. Like it wasn’t staying up all night to work out something serious or anything. I don’t even remember what we were talking about. I remember at some point he started trying to recite post malone lyrics and could not stop laughing for so long. I remember on 9/8 I wrote that i know i’ve never seen him w/ his guard down and i still usually feel like that, but then sometimes lately i think it comes down for a second and it’s always really nice and makes me think it’s worth working/waiting for. It’s understandable that he’d still have a lot of walls up when our relationship has been so rocky and it’s still in the baby stages anyways. I know he must be feeling more and more sure of us bc the way his sister treats me changed distinctly this weekend. Like she was always super nice, but now she treats me like she expects me to be around/expects to and wants to make friends, which is so nice. He’s still incredible when I get triggered. Sometimes I just suddenly can’t anymore and he’s never even hinted at the slightest inkling of being frustrated by that. 

11/4/2018: “do you love me?” “yes. i do love you. its been screaming in my head to say it every time I look at you.” “then why didn’t you get me a seltzer water?” 

11/30/2018: “I’m breaking up with you, and I want to marry you, and I love you.”

---

update: this is going to be a running/updated post for all bullshit things i think about M but should be telling no one and should absolutely not be posting on the internet. 

#personal

[theemeraldlass-blog]

life

Hey guys mun here! Ya’ll missed me? :’)

I’m so sorry for the hiatus that has been  for quite a while. I’ve just been real busy lately and haven’t really had the time to be on here as much as I would love to.

There’s nothing to worry about though I’m fine and all for the most part…

I’m not gonna say this hiatus is indefinite or anything or is affected by what’s happening in my life or whatever, so I’m just gonna give the reason why I’m gonna be off this blog for a long while. 

I’m pretty much now finishing up my second year of college (polytechnic actually) and I’m off to my final year as well as intern. To make it harder for me, intern has been scheduled right after my major project at the end of this semester, eating up my two month holidays. I’ve planned to return to this blog during my holidays to RP with you guys more often and all but I guess it isn’t gonna happen anytime soon sadly…

As for now, modules in second year are heavy asf, especially as an animation student, I’m drawing, rigging, animating almost 24/7 these days. My only free days are used building up my portfolio for my eventual career and stuff. I spend most of my time on my main blog however cause that’s where I get most fandom and other stuff to help me de-stress from a hectic day/week. On top of everything, my grades aren’t as what I want them to be so I’m, spending more time than not practicing and improving myself.

And I’m not gonna sugarcoat it or anything, but my mental and emotional health has somehow taken it’s toll too. These days I find it hard to socialise tbh, let alone talking to people on the internet makes me think I’m just a horrible friend/person in general. I don’t wanna delve too deep into this but I’m also talking a break from RP-ing because of this, I’m just mentally, emotionally and socially exhausted and I would like some time away from RPs. I’m not saying you guys are bad, ya’ll have been amazing people to me since I first entered the ttte fandom and despite the shortcomings and dramas I’ve overseen, ya’ll have been really good too me so far and I really thank you all for that. :’)

-

So, uh… I’m just gonna leave the asks and submissions on for a little while more even though I’ve inactive as hell right now, but ya’ll can still submit whatever asks you have etc, just no RPs for now yeah! I may close asks later idk, depends on how things go… If ya’ll want to keep in touch or just chat with me about anything my main is @7ym3 of which I’m there a lot more often cause my mobile’s logged in there like all the time. I’ll still do check-ins here once a while to like/reblog/post art and stuff too, so yeah!

Well…. I’m gonna be inactive for a long time, just in a nutshell. I just wanted to let ya’ll know about the hiatus instead of leaving ya’ll in the dark so hope you guys are alright with me taking a break!

#Mun speaks #hiatus

[bullet-farmer]

CW: suicide mention

Some (read: none) of you may have wondered where my fic has been the last year. 

To be honest? I just haven’t had the desire to write it. (Yes, this is in part because of a really bad breakup, but that isn’t the entire reason. Very few things only ever have one reason behind them.) Maybe this is vanity talking--and, dammit, since this is FANfic, why can’t it be vanity?--but I just feel like people don’t like it. It never gets recc’d. It rarely gets kudos. Even its hit counters don’t go up. Like, I don’t *obsessively* check them daily, but every few months I glance at them. They barely move. All the kudos I do get lately are for shit i wrote in 2013. And for some reason, people have been really liking my old Doctor/Master stuff?  That was seven years ago. So one or any combination of things are at play here: 1) My writing has actually devolved since 2013. (Which, I mean, understandable. I’ve gone through a lot. of course it’s probably affected my brain and wrecked whatever writing ability I did have.) 2) My Good Omens stuff is shit (I mean, we all know it, so why pretend the elephant in the room is just a cleverly disguised piano?) 3) I don’t write enough Aziraphale/Crowley (which could be the case, because lbr, who the fuck cares about anything else?). If that is the case, then I can’t help that. Can’t spin ideas that aren’t there. I rarely ever write for main pairings because I feel their story is complete and I don’t need to write anything else about it.  4) I don’t know. Maybe it was always just bad. 5) As someone just pointed out to me, it’s maybe because everything I’ve been writing lately is OOC. It’s probably mostly 5.

It sucks because I really loved writing it. I had a lot of fun. But no one else did.  Maybe that doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, it doesn’t a lot. But I’ve been feeling really bad about myself, my writing, and pretty much everything I do lately. Like, abysmally bad.  It would’ve been nice to go, “Oh, hey, yeah. My writing makes me feel a bit less like gagging on every pill in my medicine cabinet, instead of like not doing that is harder not to think about.” But that’s not the case.

Idk. This isn’t me trying to guilt anyone. People either like things or they don’t. They read things or they don’t. They care or they don’t. I can’t make them do anything, nor would I want the power to do so. 

I just wish things could be less shitty sometimes. I just wish there was some part of my life that worked right now. That I could force to work. But I feel like I’ve tried everything at this point except for the most obvious solution. Which I won’t do and have decided long ago that i won’t do.  Just wish there was an option between “nothing will work or change” and “take the Exit Door.” 

I don’t know if I’ll write any more. I don’t know if I ever will again, TBH. I don’t even know if I like it anymore.  That was all I wanted to do since I was ten, you know.  It didn’t work out.  Nothing I do works out. 

[mermaidsirennikita]

are you an art historian? sorry if I got that detail wrong but I was wondering if you knew how people know the identity of a person in a portrait? For example, how do you know if a medieval portrait is of the queen or a noble and not an imaginary person or someone unknown? sorry if my question makes no sense

No, it’s a good question!  And I wouldn’t call myself an art historian yet, but I’m a tentatively aspiring one.  I might be one later if I do a fuckton more research and/or… get up the energy for grad school.  But I have my B.A. in art history!

SOOOOOO, spiel below.

Unless there’s an inscription, note, title, etc. written on the portrait it’s technically impossible to be 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt sure about a sitter’s identity…  I actually ranted about this eons ago because people on Tumblr are super desperate to find new portraits of Anne Boleyn (why Anne?  why not literally any other famous lady whose face has been largely lost to history?  because she’s Anne Boleyn, and since several probably authentic images have not proven that she’s super foxy hot people are looking for something that will).  It usually takes years for art historians to come to a consensus about the identities of unidentified sitters, and EVEN THEN, people still argue about it.  I’m sure this painting of Mary, Queen of Scots took tons of effort to uncover and based on what little I’ve read there’s great reason to believe that’s Mary (it even looks like other images we have of her) but I’m sure someone will write an article about how it’s REEEALLY someone else entirely.  I researched Lady with an Ermine by Leonardo da Vinci for my capstone project, and even tho we have letters from Cecilia Gallerani, a mistress of the man most likely to have commissioned the portrait, saying “yeah so you have this portrait of me painted by Leonardo when I was younger” clearly referring to Lady with an Ermine… but there will still be outliers who say it isn’t her.

So.  In more conclusive cases, there will usually be records in place that let us know that a portrait was commissioned in the first place.  In the case of Isabella d’Este, we know that she was after Leonardo to paint her portrait and that it never happened but was in the planning stages–which leads to the conclusion that there are probably preliminary drafts in existence.  You find a preliminary draft of a woman matching Isabella’s general description and age, dating to the right time…  You can probably guess that the woman is Isabella.

Today, we also have technology that can help us guess how old a work is–it’s way harder for forgers to do what they once did because art historians can test for pigments and other materials that were only in use for certain time periods, and that helps narrow down the era.  Before then, there were stylistic notes that could give you an idea of when a painting was made.  For example–prior to the popularization of the three-quarter pose by artists like Leonardo, female sitters of Italy were usually in profile.  So if you find a portrait of an Italian lady sitting in a three-quarters pose, you can probably date the portrait to the late fifteenth century or later–and then you go into things like her style of dress, etc.  Style of dress goes a long way towards identifying a person’s place of origin, especially for women–English women dressed very differently from Italian women of the same era, and so on.

Most European portraits were of a certain class, up until some artists and patrons started playing around with everything from idealized peasant scenes to like... the proto-gritty shit Rembrandt dabbled in.  This is especially true for Catholic nations.  You had to be AT LEAST of the upper middle class to afford to commission a portrait, and for that matter, many artists tended to court a certain specified clientele.  Raphael spent much of the prime of his career working for the pope, and so that meant that he spent a lot of time in Rome, and that in turn meant that he was often in the service of glittery rich Romans.  Now, does this mean that the sitter is always rich?  No.  Raphael also painted a famous nude, La Fornarina, and the sitter was quite possibly his lower-class mistress.  But in that case, the person commissioning the painting was probably a rich guy who wanted a nude, and Raphael was like “fuck yeah getting a chance to paint Margarita naked and get paid for it, life is sweet”.  Patrons normally had $$$, basically, so if we see a typical portrait we know that we’re looking at that class, most likely, and the more expensive the portrait looks, the richer the sitter (and the patron) likely was.  Rarer pigments indicate more money spent, more detail on the clothing equals greater $$$.

When it comes to incredibly important families, there are spmetimes dead giveaways.  Bronzino’s portraits of Cosimo de’ Medici I’s household often featured details like rubies and pearls among the women, which one art historian I read from theorized was a signature of the Medici at that point in time.  It wasn’t unusual for women in particular to wear emblems of their families, because the portraits of them were usually commissioned by fathers or husbands, and essentially these were ownership tags.  That’s what Cosimo was doing, most likely.  If you know the artist–in this case, Bronzino–you probably know where they worked at a certain point in their lives.  If you know when the painting was executed, you know the artist was probably in X city.  Who would be most likely to employ Artist X during that time?  A small cluster of families.  You sort of have to narrow it down.  Most important families of Europe also had coats of arms, which can show up in their paintings–but unfortunately these are often the first to deteriorate and they begin to look similar.

When an artist was painting a famous sitter like Mary, they might include her initials somewhere, maybe in the case of a king or queen with a good Rex or Regina for measure.  Kings and queens are often given little identifiers, too, though these aren’t always consistent.  In several portraits of Mary her hands are emphasized because beautiful hands were prized at the time, Mary was considered a beauty, and so on (also Elizabeth’s hands were rumored to be scarred after her bout of smallpox, and whether or not this was exaggerated I wouldn’t be surprised if this was a dig after her reign began).  Mary is also often depicted in widow’s wear; now, this doesn’t mean that she wore those clothes often, but she was an iconically beautiful young widow after her first husband died, and then she *oh so tragically* lost another…  A lot of artists probably worked off of one painting Mary actually sat for in widow’s wear to have shopped around to potential suitors.  From what I read of this newly discovered portrait, Mary probably never sat for it; it was a tribute/propaganda piece by a support, and most likely the artist was working off of copies.

It’s kind of like how many portraits of Elizabeth I during her reign depict a few of the same things; grand red hair, magnificent clothes and jewels, flawless skin, dark eyes, the same basic facial features.  Did Liz have the time to sit for umpteen portraits?  No!  And she didn’t want to.  She didn’t want the reality of her aging appearance, she wanted the iconic Elizabethan image circulated, and so it was.  Art historians can later pick up on the commonalities between these propaganda pieces and figure out who they’re of.

In the case of this newly discovered work, I imagine the art historian also did a lot of research about the patron’s potential ties to Mary, the political climate at the time, whether or not the artist had materials to work from regarding Mary’s appearance, and so on.  Like I said, the painting looks like Mary, though that… doesn’t necessarily mean much–but the eyes are similar to the other portraits we see, the profile is right, her hair is styled as it was in other paintings, the outline of the clothes seems fine.

Basically, there is soooo much that goes into “proving” a sitter’s identity and even then you’ll never be 100% right in the eyes of everyone.  For years, people thought a portrait was of Katherine Howard, and recently that was debunked.  Everyone shops that portrait of a blond lady with one tit out as Lucrezia Borgia; it’s not.  Identifying people is cool but for a lot of art historians it’s somewhat irrelevant, because we’re more looking at what a portrait reflected about the times and that’s why Mary’s identity IS relevant in this particular case.  Going back to the Secret Anne Boleyn Painting conspiracy theories–people just wanna see a hot Anne there, and that’s what’s frustrating.  By showing us Mary here, this art historian has also given us an example of people showing their support for this embattled queen through propaganda commissions, and for that matter getting scared and covering it up.  That speaks to the political, social, and cultural goings-on of the time.

Some art historians love to find SEKRIT IMAGES because that sells books, but when you ask a lot of professors “do you think that’s a portrait of JANE SEYMOUR” or whatever they’ll probably be like “eh idk man”.  The identity is less important on its own than it is as it relates to the reasons by a commission.  I mean in my case the identities of portraits I studied in school were only really relevant in that I was able to discuss the political constructions that wives and brides became in one Italian court.  Otherwise identity didn’t matter at all.  And tbh, that ambivalence towards identifying people probably makes it even harder for the art historical world to come to a consensus on ANYONE.  But this new discovery sounds pretty solid and honestly, it’s really cool.

#Anonymous

[maaa-ds]

i'm really mad at myself lately for being unable to write (and i keep saying that too - 'unable'. i'm totally able, just avoiding it for some reason). i've been busy with commissions/my visual art in general and also socializing a lot more than usual but none of that excuses it tbh because i still have down time and in that down time i stare at a blank screen or a blank page or even worse, my IG/FB/tumblr feed refusing to even try lol.

me and my friends are tryna make a zine and i think it's given me weird anxiety (via pressure to write something good). i was talking to mila and she was telling me that she tries to write frequently even if she doesn't feel like it - just about whatever comes out so ima try that i think 💭

i just needa stretch my writing muscles. the longer i go without trying, the harder it's gonna beeeeeeeeeee (and i can't stand the idea of it getting amy harder than it is lol).

[survivor-themyscira-blog]

Okay, Billy was salty as hell after he got voted out, and for some reason it was towards me? He said my attitude is intolerable or whatever, and that I have no room to talk about him getting pissy when he gets voted out.

1: I know, and therefore I didn't? Like I actually said nothing to him other than the fact that he's going home, which he wanted to hear in the first place (I think).

2: I... don't call out the entire tribe and call everyone cowards when I know I'm going home. Like, when I'm salty, it's because of a blindside, not an obvious vote. He can't really act like he deserved to stay when he did nothing in either of the last two challenges.

On a separate note, we merged now! So that's pretty nifty, I would say. I'm trying to get the merge tribe named Sappho because gay, and I think everyone's on board. thats real fuckin neato

AAAAAA i got a black lantern ring and idk what it does and i cant tell jordan or lily about it so im stuck lying to them and im bad god i hope this item is good

So we merged hey hey hey

Toph is pissed at me for choosing Kai over him for reward and I explained the situation to him and I feel bad because I had no intention of picking Toph like if I didn't pick Kai I was gonna pick Logan and then probably Ruthie next tbh jdlkfjlasd like this MESS I feel so bad but I lied to keep him happy. I feel shitty but anyways

I'm getting closer and closer with Jordan and it's both good and bad I think JD is disappointed in me

Madeline hasn't been responding much to my messages and I'm worried she a. hates me b. has better allies than me bc we've been separated for so long c. maybe i'm overreacting and she's just not seeing my messages

Kai is already throwing Jordan's name to RHONE and logan and IM FDKJFKLAS KAI STOP IM TRYING TO SAVE YOU i think i made this harder for him though i kinda went overboard with the distance myself from my closest ally thing so now my "closest" ally does not like my closest ally and wants him out fdjfajslkd I'm making things harder for my friends and I this isn't good

I also think Jordan thinks he has me around his finger and that's not... true? I don't think so at least. I'm thinking about trying to make a thing with Toph, Kai, Logan, Madeline, and Ian? I don't know. That's the ideal squad. And Jordan can give me info from the other side of Lily, Jack, and Nicholas. And then I can blindside him... soonish. I gotta decide when my metaphorical d-day is. Is it bad that I'm comparing Jordan's tribal to d-day? I hope not because I'm Garbo I gotta keep with this WWII metaphor for this persona to work out.

Also our tribe name is Sappho and if that doesn't perfectly describe our tribe then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also update on Madeline and I we're talking more now I don't think she hates me she was just like away from her computer whew we're in the clear bois

Also, Jordan found whatever the fuck was in the bedroom and I know it. I just do. Kai sent me this:

On 11/1/17, at 10:41 PM, Kai . wrote:

> On 11/1/17, at 10:41 PM, LA {Themyscira Host} wrote:

> > You run into the room and look around but there is nothing to be found. You have a nagging suspicion you missed out on something but what? Who knows! Sorry, better luck next time.

And I popped over to Jordan, who claims I am his "closest ally," and said

On 11/1/17, at 10:42 PM, Emily wrote:

> so what was in the room

> lmao

> I’m kidding I’m just sssuming

On 11/1/17, at 10:43 PM, Jordan Pines wrote:

> I DIDNT FUCKING GET

> IM SO FUCKING ANNOYED

On 11/1/17, at 10:43 PM, Emily wrote:

> IMS SKSBSJ

> REALLY

> ANSKSBSJJAJA

To quote Jordan: hosts, this is called lying! This boy got an advantage and he wants to keep it a secret from me and thinks that because he's called me his "closest ally" that I won't fall for it. I think the heck not, you trick ass Jordan.

Sorry this is all over the fuckin place but now I'm talking to Logan and Madeline. Logan has told me that he has been open with Jordan and calling with him, like I have been. Which is INCH RESTING. Because Jordan told me he wouldn't call with someone unless he wanted to work with them hella long term. (That's paraphrasing.) OH MY GOOOOOOD I love catching this boy in his lies....... I love comparing notes. I love when people unknowingly give me the info I need. Also Madeline is the sweetest human being on earth look

On 11/1/17, at 11:56 PM, Emily wrote:

> i just wanna find something

> i feel lame

On 11/2/17, at 12:00 AM, Madeline wrote:

> You can find my heart

I love her wtf I want to work with her forever. Honestly why is everyone in this damn game my bff someone make me hate them QUICK!!!

Now I want to work with Lily and Madeline but I'm worried bc Lily is close with Jack and Jordan. Jordan has mentioned many times that he can get Jack and Lily to vote how he wants them to. And so that's major hinting at how he is close with her. And if Lily is close with Jordan and she gets put in an all girls alliance with Madeline and I, she might tell Jordan. And if I don't tell Jordan about the all girls alliance, he won't trust me. And I need him to trust me. I'm breaking my english teacher's heart by starting all those sentences with and but anyways! Merge happened and everything is a little okay. Also I don't proof read my confessionals so like if this is a mess it's a mess I'm sorry nobody's perfect I gotta work it.

Anyways, here are my goals: congradoritos, you made merge, now the goal is to not be merge boot. Maybe try to make it past seventh. Use Kai's idol to your advantage. Vote Jordan out soon. Get in some alliances. Win something good in the auction. Something GOOOOOOOD. Please Survivior gods help me out

Y'all. This is just a confession with another example of why I love Madeline.

On 11/2/17, at 12:02 AM, Madeline wrote:

> do you choose chest, candy box, or oven

On 11/2/17, at 12:03 AM, Emily wrote:

> im

> i think oven

On 11/2/17, at 12:04 AM, Madeline wrote:

> You open the oven and see two trays of treats the top row has muffins and the bottom row is a tray of sugar cookies

On 11/2/17, at 12:06 AM, Emily wrote:

> oh shit

> i want the muffins

On 11/2/17, at 12:07 AM, Madeline wrote:

> You choose the muffins from the oven be careful they’re still hot! You see there’s several types of muffins to choose from, blueberry, chocolate chip, and banana nut

On 11/2/17, at 12:08 AM, Emily wrote:

> BLUEBERRY

On 11/2/17, at 12:10 AM, Madeline wrote:

> You choose the blueberry muffins do you wait to enjoy it in the morning for breakfast or dive right into the warm treat?

On 11/2/17, at 12:12 AM, Emily wrote:

> dive right in

On 11/2/17, at 12:14 AM, Madeline wrote:

> You choose to dive right in because you can’t resist the temptation of having a blueberry muffin crafted by Madeline who not only loves to cook but’s favorite muffin also is blueberry and have thus won her heart.

> (heart)

On 11/2/17, at 12:15 AM, Emily wrote:

> omg

> i did it

On 11/2/17, at 12:15 AM, Madeline wrote:

> You may redeem this idol at any point when you’re feeling sad or lonely or bored OR WANT TO BEAT OUT THESE BOYS RUNNING THIS THING

On 11/2/17, at 12:15 AM, Emily wrote:

> DFKLADKLA

> BIG MOOD

> tbh I’m redeeming it now we better vote out these boys

This pure girl I want to be her best friends

Organizing my thoughts for these merge folk:

Ian: Uneasy about him for some reason. Seems very nice but we haven't talked much game.

Jack: Tbh if I want anyone gone the most, it's him. I really don't vibe with him and it's very obvious he and Jordan are close. If I want to make a move on Jack, I need to do it secretly or in a close vote.

Jordan: My "closest" ally. I'm blindsiding him when I get the chance. I love him as a person, but as a player he's scary as fuck. I don't want that in late merge. And I'm also trying to protect Duncan's record because I love Duncan.

Kai: My closest ally.  I stan him and his idol. Time zones put a damper on things sometimes but we still talk a lot and we are very close. I wouldn't mind taking him to the end based on his social game.

Lily: I really haven't talked to her much but, to quote Rhone, she's a legend. She's really funny and I want to make an ally girls alliance with her so bad wtf but I know she's close with Jordan and so I need to tread lightly.

Logan: I love him so much wtf! He's a great ally and I think Kai and I got closer bc Logan and I were separated but now that we're all back on one tribe it's fucking lit and New Skype Who Dis? can maybe do some damage

Madeline: I literally want to be her best friend I am SUCH stan. She's such a sweet heart and I want to work with her even though she's a little cracked

Nicholas: cracked idol playing king. He's so nice! Like so nice. We had a good convo and I'm happy. I want to work with him but we need to talk more.

Rhone: I LOVE RHONE so much wtf. They're so nice and I just stan so much. And they've been talking to me a good amount which makes me think they still wanna work with me and that makes me happy I love having allies

Toph: cracked messy king. hoping I don't ruin his game but tbh in the other games I've played, people that are closer with me than I are with them always end up ruining their game to my benefit so rip toph probably. But I'm proud of him for making merge love him

Anyways those are my thots for now. It's one am and I have class in eight hours. I also have a stance on this question:

"If your homie sends you a dick pic and you screenshot it, who gay?"

OBVIOUSLY both of them are bi. I just make everyone bi actually u know ignore me but that's my answer

Also, 100 duck sized horses is my answer. I was absent for the tribal so I feel left out not getting to answer the questions.

OKAY NOW GOOD NIGHT FOR REAL

WHEW this past round was messy and weird! We had no idea what was really going on w this tribal for us until the actual vote so I was being a lil snake trying to get Andreas out when I didn't even need to bc Hippolyta did it for me. :) But Antiope and Hippolyta are NO MORE because I made the merge!!!!!!!! I'm dumb shook bc I honestly tend to go premerge but I think with the premerge boot order shaking out the way I did I'm in a really good position right now.

Love the tribe name, love lesbians, love women in general, love this season. Lily really is an awesome kid and I want to talk to her more because she's so funny and insightful. And I hate to say it but I do feel like I could beat her at FTC because she's a little less cool under pressure than me so she's someone I'm definitely looking at long-term. Like I think her and Jordan would be my ideal final 3 so I have to get them to trust me the most. I really think having Emily around towards the end would be good too and give me options, and Nicholas is tight with me. So basically I fuck with the swapped Antiope crew + Nicholas, but not really Jack if I can be totally honest. I just don't think he really trusts me and he'll totally beat me at the end.

Kai on the other hand is legit coked out of his head, he came to me right after we merged and started shitting all over Jordan/Lily/Jack to me and I was like...uhhhh take a look at the wiki bruh, I was on that tribe too! So I told Jordan everything because I have a feeling he's nervous that I'm gonna try to blinside him and not gonna lie I considered it, I just think my odds long-term are better with him. Ian and Madeline are also kind of in trouble I think. They're both so social and nice it's a little disturbing and I know from Jordan that they're a pretty tight pair. I accidentally made a deal with Madeline to just never vote her out lmfao so I'm gonna have to maneuver to see if I can keep that deal while still getting Madeline out. To quote strategic god JP of Survivor: Heroes vs. Healers vs. Hustlers fame, I guess we'll see what happens.

I want to prove myself in this game so bad. I really feel like if I maneuver effectively through this merge I can get to FTC with limited blood on my hands and the respect of the majority of the jury. So often people see me as like a goat or a follower and I need people to realize that I am actively involved in strategy and am paving my own way to the end. I'm the one using people! It's not the other way around!

Last thing -- I suck at finding idols and advantages. WE BEEN KNEW. I'm so shook that there are so many fucking advantages and idols out there in this game and I have none of them. Idols and advantages tend to be the reason I'm voted out in games, too, which is the worst fucking feeling. That's probably the biggest thing scaring me in the game right now. The people are fine, it's these magic sticks or w/e the fuck you weirdos are handing out that are the real threats.

While walking into school I got smashed in between closing automated doors and I think that’s a good metaphor for me and how I play

I'm so happy to be back on a tribe with Madeline I just love her. She's the nicest person in the whole wide world and that is a FACT

WHO THE FUCK GAVE JORDAN PINES 220 DOLLARS EXTRA FUCK ALL YALL

[11/3/17, 11:14:12 PM] Toph Estroy: emilys

[11/3/17, 11:14:31 PM] Toph Estroy: what u gonna buy?

[11/3/17, 11:14:45 PM] Emily: i dont even know the items hon

TOPH chill the fuck out

I HATE THIS GAME. Honestly it's going to be so hard to vote some people out like Emily or Toph or Kai. I don't know how I'm going to do that when the time comes for it. IF THE TIME COMES.

I also wish Ian would've just given me all his money, like it would've been fishy BUT at least then I could've won us all the good stuff. MAYBE GOOD STUFF? I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE THE STICC AND IM GONNA STICC IT UP SOMEONES BUTT IF THEY COME FOR ME THIS ROUND THATS FOR DAMN SURE

I’m trying to decide who to tell about my advantage. If I tell anyone, I’ll tell Kai. You know, since he told me about his idol and all. But Jordan has been asking me to tell him and I’m just not opening the messages and ignoring them until I can make up a message to send him saying the shield doesn’t do anything. Or maybe it’s just a weak power. And I mean, I’m not sure how to use this shield correctly, so I gotta figure out what to do with it before I even think about telling people. I don’t know what to do so I’m just going to, ya know, avoid it. I’m also 81% sure I won’t be able to do this challenge unless it’s super late tonight when all my actors are asleep. We finished the script just now so my part is basically done for our 24 hour play-a-thon thing. Anyways, I have not been very active recently so let’s hope it doesn’t get me booted! LOL

Fuck stairway to hell I literally never want to see that fucking challenge again my mood is ruined I am pissed off I'm so bad at it and I just !!!!!!!! FUCK OFF I AM SO FUCKING MAD I just... god. I'm so upset. My social game has been lacking quite a bit lately. I need to #work #on #that. But now I'm going to work on my IRL social game and go play board games with my friends that are still awake at 3 am goodbye

I’m screaming how did I get third on a challenge I started at 1:30AM mid writing a script for a 24 hour play festival. I didn’t win but I like lily and I’m glad she won. That’s one more guaranteed safety for the girlies! I really want to make this all girls alliance tho fuccc. Also I told Jordan about my power bc he told me about his and it’d be shady and I also don’t know how powerful my power can actually be? I don’t know how to use it properly right now. I’m still thinkin on it. And if I haven’t confessed about this yet, I bought a shield in the auction that basically negates any negative powers that would affect me like a vote steal or something. And Jordan has a vote canceller thing so he knows that I can :-) you know :-) negate whatever thingie he uses against me :-) ya know just a little bit of a push to get him to fear me a bit. I love when men fear me

I'm still pissed about the results from the music video challenge. WHAT THE FUCK.

Jack being isolated for 24 hours really doesn’t concern me because I don’t talk to him ever so like ;-) anyways

ok so i am making this confessional because i really do think that this could be my last one that i make. if i am correct i am pretty sure logan/kai are gunning for me for whatever fucking reason. i'm pretty pissed at how i did in the challenge first of all because i wanted to either flop completely or win it all. of course, i tied for second and continue to make myself out to be a competition threat that i am not. i really don't know how to spin this bc everyone keeps bringing up the fact that i did well and i'm pretty pissed. jp has been telling me that kai has been throwing my name around @ the last vote and now this vote and i didn't believe it bc i thought kai and i were friends from another game and were going to finally work together in this one. then i, LIKE A MATURE ADULT, confronted kai about it with only included minimal detail and he deadass told me he has been throwing my name around and that makes me scared because he must feel like he has the votes and that's really bad tbh because there are enough people that i'm not close to who would probably be willing to vote me out [logan/lily/toph]. i have a bad feeling that the votes are going to flip to jp and he is going to play a power and then somehow i am going to go home in the aftermath. my gut is telling me that something really shitty is going to happen at this tribal and there's not much i can do to stop it so i am just going to make my rounds and hope that people won't want to end my life tonight. yeehaw!

Okay well i feel like im organizing a pretty amazing blindside but at the same time i could be lying to both you and myself. Im calling this #PineSide... so wish me luck lmao

You get an alliance chat and you get an alliance chat! Okay well technically I'm only in two, the third one is just Madeline and I with the hosts. If it keeps me safe I'll take it. People have to have guessed by now that Madeline and I are close. Maybe?

This is very video confession worthy but I'm very very sick so I cannot film anything without blowing my nose ten times throughout the duration of the video. Anyways, I was approached last night with the idea of voting out Kai. I cannot remember who approached me with it, it was either Jordan or Rhone idk tho. So obviously, me being me, I don't want to vote out Kai. Kai has entrusted me with the information that he has an idol. And I want him to use that wisely. But since he name is already on the chopping block tonight, that makes me worried. I think he's going to have to use his idol.

When I started hearing Kai's name, I went to Logan. He said this:

[11/4/17, 10:43:08 PM] Emily: okay so ppl are coming to me saying that kai is the target and idk how I feel about it

[11/4/17, 10:43:17 PM] Emily: and idk how to approach kai with it

[11/4/17, 10:43:23 PM] Emily: or if u think I should at all

[11/4/17, 10:43:27 PM] Logan Bee-Culpepper: um

[11/4/17, 10:43:33 PM] Logan Bee-Culpepper: At ur own risk '

[11/4/17, 10:43:39 PM] Logan Bee-Culpepper: when can u call

Which is ... WEIRD! I thought Kai and Logan were really close and this is making me uneasy. Is this Logan hinting that he does want to vote out Kai? Very interesting if I do say so myself.

So I talked to a few more people today including Nicholas and Madeline who both told me they heard Kai's name and are uneasy about voting Kai. That's good. But it seems like Jordan has been talking to everyone and wanting to call with everyone (something he has told me is something he does with only the people he wants to work with and go far with.). So I think I have an idea of how Jordan is playing: trying to make everyone think that they're his secret pair and that he's going to take them to the end. He's told me this, and I don't believe him. He could be telling the truth, but I think he's a lot closer to Jack and Lily and Rhone than he is to me. My goal though is to make sure that people think after this vote that I'm with them, not Kai. When in reality, that's not the case.

An alliance has been made consisting of Kai, Ian, Madeline, and I. We're called the Dudes n Dames. It's pretty cute. And we're going to call in a little bit and I'm going to talk to them about this plan. Ideally, what I want to happen is:

Votes falling on Kai: Jordan's, Lily's, Rhone's,  Logan's, Nicholas', Toph's, mine

Votes falling on Jordan: Ian's, Kai's, Madeline's

I want to vote against Kai because I want people to think that I'm not with Kai. I think that if I send my vote (including a distinct voting confession) to the people I'm voting with, that'll secure that they know I voted with them. If the votes are not split and Kai plays his idol (which he has told me he is), then Jordan should go home. I trust Ian and Madeline to do what we decide on doing in the call today, I just need to make sure they're okay with me voting how I am so I can continue to be the double agent for them and clue them in on any possible blindsides against us. I think they will be okay and understand this plan? Possibly hopefully fkdjklas! But I'm not sure where Toph's vote is gonna go and I'm not sure where Logan's vote is gonna go. I have to call with Logan today at some point to discuss, so hopefully that'll clear things up. Toph is close with Madeline, we just gotta make sure Madeline doesn't tell Toph about the plan to vote out Jordan, because I think Toph and Jordan are close. But ANYWAYS

Tonight, Kai is not going home because he's playing his idol. It's about to be a #PinesSide, ladies and gentlemen.

So the auction was fun, I guess!

Not only was it filled with plenty of bourgeoisie memes, but we got away from it with a decent haul. Between the food and the statue that I bet on, I got... nothing. I didn't even get the statue, it ended up with Jack. But hey, he got a challenge advantage and a super idol, so that was alright. Oh, and Jordan got a vote cutter.

I also ended up winning immunity with a strategy which I thought would turn out much better than it did. I had a text-based bot programmed to start sending the messages super quickly (I pre-typed them and entered them into the program), and although I did win, I didn't get up to 25 like I planned. There was, uh... a bit of a glitch. I'll paste that glitch log here for viewer enjoyment.

I go down step19IGDNSTP

OOWNE&GOWTOW ST ON P$GONE!#P

I dn sp1

go sp1i9O DNE IDO SEPIDOSW EP  ot4

odwnte3se

ID T r ep2o  te

 stp

I  P

IO U SE^ guste

g ste8

GO  EP !O SP

GO  UPSTE!Igptp4 g st p

I  T

u p8IOGOP SP @

GOPEP@I cet dwn t 1gdo p0 gd ow st

dn sp

gdo testp 5IO WST !  w stp @GODNTP!

dte1i wn t te8

IOOWNT

dt6i wnt e IOOST# o t2i w te

3

go se  us 2 ust 3 go p t  o e6g  p

O US SP ( upt1i pt1 U SUPTEP#I us1IGUS

uo st1gut  UST I p uep

g  sp

plat2 DNOWSTE! d e

NSP !I1oo t

ownt1ODN OW ST

d p3

oo te1p1

IOO P

OWST *

oo t I de6

odo wnsp

Y'all I am so determined to be on the front page of the Athena Wiki saying "Emily has won Themyscira!" LET *clap* ME *clap* TELL *clap* YOU I will be there. I'm so determined to win

If this was Survivor: Futurama, I would be Leela, Ian would be Fry, Emily would be Amy, and Toph would be my little baby Nibbler.

So I'm pretty certain I'm not going home on this vote so that's nice! Jordan and Kai are trying to blindside each other and I'm going with Jordan on this one. He and I had a really long talk on call the other night and it's so weird but I like...trust him? I trust Jordan Pines. I've never actually trusted Jordan in a game before lmao so we'll see if this works out or not. We want us and Lily to be the final 3 because all three of us have never won a Tumblr game so that would be a way to ensure one of us finally wins! We're also working with Emily, Logan, Nicholas and Jack. I really think Jack needs to go sooner rather than later so if it gets to a point where he needs to go and Jordan's still protecting him I'm not afraid to mobilize the minority to get him out. He just annoys the fuck out of me tbqh but that's like...basically everyone in this community.

I feel bad about not working with Ian and Madeline because they're both really cool people but I think they're big threats and they're always gonna prioritize each other over me or anyone else they work with. They're really socially strong it's actually kinda scary. I want to be friends with them after the game but in this game I think they need to get out sooner than later, and I'm hoping other people will piss them off more than I do. I already feel like I'm burning Kai's vote by basically orchestrating his blindside but...*Jenny Slate voice* I just like to have fun.

https://youtu.be/zBgGKumWIxs

I... REALLY hope that I'm the one that gets to come back tonight! I somehow don't think I will with so much competition but either way, this has been fun and I'm excited that there was a buyback!

Hehehehehe

[11/5/17, 7:14:50 PM] Emily: you think everything will be okay tonight?

[11/5/17, 7:15:38 PM] Jordan Pines: im super paranoid

[11/5/17, 7:15:41 PM] Jordan Pines: i trust our 5

[11/5/17, 7:15:42 PM] Jordan Pines: the issue

[11/5/17, 7:15:46 PM] Jordan Pines: is i don’t trust anyone else

[11/5/17, 7:15:49 PM] Emily: fkdfklas ME

[11/5/17, 7:15:53 PM] Jordan Pines: i don’t think ian has been leaked at all

[11/5/17, 7:15:55 PM] Jordan Pines: im praying

[11/5/17, 7:16:01 PM] Jordan Pines: if this pays off

[11/5/17, 7:16:01 PM] Emily: i dont think so either

[11/5/17, 7:16:04 PM] Jordan Pines: and kai wastes an idol

[11/5/17, 7:16:09 PM] Jordan Pines: like we set for endgame

[11/5/17, 7:16:11 PM] Emily: i haven’t told him anything i swear

[11/5/17, 7:16:16 PM] Jordan Pines: i trust you darling

[11/5/17, 7:16:18 PM] Jordan Pines: dont worry

[11/5/17, 7:16:18 PM] Emily: i trust you guys i want to go with you guys to the end

[11/5/17, 7:16:24 PM] Emily: i just get paranoid

[11/5/17, 7:16:43 PM] Emily: I’m sorry I’m gonna get more and more worried as the night goes on

[11/5/17, 7:17:01 PM] Jordan Pines: youre nervous? I’m the ones whose had my name out there for what 3 days now lol?

Like I need Jordan to know I love him as a person but this literally feels so great

God, I've been so impatient about waiting for this day to come. I finally get to battle my way (hopefully) back into the game... a lot is riding on this. I'm really anxious because I don't want to fuck this up.

Realistically, I'll probably just be an easy next boot if I go back into the game so maybe it's best if I save the time and effort put into all of this :/ But... I just don't do that. I've not given up for one second in this game, I'm not going to give up now. If I am defeated, then so be it, and I hope the person who vanquishes me makes the most of their second life. I'll harness my competition beast just for one night, hopefully it'll work. I'm nervous, y'all.

[11/5/17, 8:19:34 PM] Emily: i really dont want to change my vote

[11/5/17, 8:19:38 PM] Emily: really really really dont want to

[11/5/17, 8:20:12 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): but are you?

[11/5/17, 8:20:19 PM] Emily: I AM

[11/5/17, 8:24:12 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): kk just make sure you lock in whichever vote you’re going with before the votes are read

[11/5/17, 8:24:23 PM] Emily: i will I’m just still thinking

[11/5/17, 8:25:05 PM] Emily: i know we need three but I’m so worried about how this is going to go after the vote

[11/5/17, 8:25:19 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): no worries!

[11/5/17, 8:27:41 PM] Emily: my thing is EVEN IF I DONT CHANGE MY VOTE AND THINGS END UP LIKE 2-2-1 somehow, we can revote!!! and things will be okay right??????

[11/5/17, 8:27:46 PM] Emily: well maybe not

[11/5/17, 8:27:52 PM] Emily: let me work this out in hree

[11/5/17, 8:29:32 PM] Emily: ian: jp, lily, me, rhone, nicholas

kai: logan

toph: toph

jp: madeline, ian

[11/5/17, 8:29:54 PM] Emily: somehow if it goes to a 2-2 vote

[11/5/17, 8:30:30 PM] Emily: jordan: me, madeline, ian

???: lily, rhone, nicholas

where would logan go and can toph even vote in an event of a tie

[11/5/17, 8:30:48 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): top cannot revote

[11/5/17, 8:30:50 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): bc he has a self vote

[11/5/17, 8:30:53 PM] Emily: okay

[11/5/17, 8:31:10 PM] Emily: i dont know where the fuck logan would go

[11/5/17, 8:31:39 PM] Emily: but long story short, i dont think I’m gonna change my vote. we will be okay with 2 votes. i can stay good with everyone

[11/5/17, 8:32:09 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): kk so your vote is staying ian?

[11/5/17, 8:32:13 PM] Emily: yes

[11/5/17, 8:32:21 PM] Emily: at least for now. staying ian

[11/5/17, 8:32:26 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): kk

[11/5/17, 8:32:33 PM] Emily: I’m not going to tell them tho

[11/5/17, 8:32:37 PM] Emily: fdksjakla

[11/5/17, 8:36:59 PM] JD { Themyscira Host }: are you... gonna put this in a confessional? Cus I love stateging

[11/5/17, 8:37:16 PM] Emily: i will

[11/5/17, 8:37:29 PM] Emily: i confessed about a lot but i will just add the quotes to a confession

Dudes, Dames n a Deutch is the best alliance ever formed and it's all in the memory of Andreas OUR FALLEN MEMBER.

ANDREAS YOU NEED TO COME BACK.

#whatidoisnotuptoyou #athena11 #episodes

[artgay]

really heckn long, something for future me to hold onto hopefully. cw. sex, relationships, abuser ment., relationship breakdowns, death, benzo ment., alc ment.

I’m just writing this mostly for myself to remind future me when I get bad that things are going to be okay. I've had a hard time on and off lately but right now I'm actually feeling really hopeful and like ultimately I'm going to be alright. I really fucked up my pitch last night, like not in a self depreciating perfectionist way, but in a "I had an actual panic attack on stage and could not continue delivering it" way, and honestly I was fucking devastated. But I talked to Bee and I talked to Kiera , and Kiera and one of her other partners actually came and met me and looked after me and gave me a benzo and some wine and I ended up having kinda the loveliest night in the end?? We ended up grabbing Lord Of The Fries at like midnight and had the cosiest very early morning in Kiera's bed listening to chill music and drinking wine and talking abt the world and love and sex and everything and falling asleep the three of us intertwined and I just felt so whole? So loving and loved and so, so full of fucking love?? And yeah, of course a bit of that was the buzz and warmth of the wine and vali but idk, I'm just really comfy and in a Big Love Mood and so grateful for all the gorgeous people I've filled my life with and Yeah look, I've been a bit moody and angsty abt previous relationship breakdowns lately and especially thinking a lot about the ways in which I really wasn't anywhere near my best self in my relationship with Imo last year, and had some majorly unhealthy internal shit goin on and some whacked communication shit happening and in all honesty, I put her through a lot of shit, and I wish I could have done a lot of things differently. But that shit is old and as important as self reflection is, I can't dwell on the past. Ultimately I don't miss the people who we were, who I was. I'm crazy glad I've grown as much as I have this year. And I've kinda felt that this year, the ways in which I've grown have been more on my terms and something I have been able to own more because it hasn't really been forced by loss or trauma shit, but more about my own striving for self improvement and an internal desire to be a better, fucking more competent, kinder person. I've been tied down by a lot of bitterness and resentment for a long time, and I still fall into that sometimes, but ultimately I'm learning that self compassion can be a lot stronger position. And ultimately I do really wish the best for everyone who has once meant so much to me and has been a bit part of my life, but for whatever reason, no longer is in it. I haven’t in the past, if I’m honest. I've been hurt a lot. I hurt easy. And I've been really afraid of that softness for a really long time , but honestly, I'm really proud that I am learning the strength in loving wholly and deeply,  giving myself entirely to other people, even if that means hurting deeply too sometimes. Ultimately I think I'm probably in a better position to be able to engage and connect emotionally the way I do, even if that comes with the not so occasional  heartbreak, than if I kept people at arms length. I've always really spoken about embracing vulnerability and shit like that but I think if I'm being honest, for a long time, I was speaking in buzzwords and that’s about it.. I don't think I was actually able to access it in a real, emotionally no bars held sort of way. And maybe I'm not there yet. But I'm definitely struck now with a clarity and a sense of certainty that ultimately that's what I want, what I'm working towards, and what I'm on my way to realising.  Shit is hard still though, in a lot of ways harder than things have been for a while, but strangely, I'm feeling good about where I am, the place I hold in the world, and the people I'm lucky enough to have around me. I regret a lot, but not the big things; not the loving hard, not even the heartbreak, and certainly not the ending things that I once though were good for me but ultimately were loves and connections that we all grew out of. I'm less focussed on forevers now I think, on longevity as validity, or spending the rest of my life with someone as the only way love can be real and worthwhile. I think I've settled for things in the past that I deserved better than, and I think people have settled for me in the past and they deserved more than I could or was willing to give them at the time. I have been at fault in a lot of these situations, but not all. And I think I've had to come a long way to be able to own that in a way that was more real than just saying that because I knew I was supposed to.  And speaking of growth, I was talking to Kiera and Taz about sex this morning, and I think my relationship with the idea of sex has come a long way, and honestly still has such a long way to go. I have no doubt in my mind anymore that I am ace as can fucking be, but I have no doubt in my mind that sex is something I'm excited to explore further, and in a much healthier way. I think in the past, I mean up until very very recently if truth be told, it was an idea I interacted with and engaged with with some really twisted subtexts. It was something I did because I through the other person wanted it, something I went through the - admittedly clunky and fumbled - motions of , and ultimately associated the experience with loneliness, an overarching sense of inadequacy, an aching I could never put into words, and as fucked up as it is to utter aloud, my abuser [whose name I initially wrote here but am still to chicken to own up to online tbh]. And genuinely, so so genuinely, none of this is shade (or a non AAVE version of shade) at past sexual partners. It's just how I was, the ways in which I was , and wasn't, able to engage with it, and in hindsight I really shouldn't have continued those sexual relationships for as long as I did. But I'm trying to radically change and uproot the fucked up intricacies of my relationship with having sex, and as far as I've come, I have such a long way to go. But I mean, shit, for the first time in my life, the sex I am having is fun.  It's intimate and sort of kinky and I feel really fucking good about myself during it?? I don't know, I've never really written about this shit as openly as this before. Anyway I'm in the train , on my way home from Kiera's, listening to Keaton Henson. I listened to his entire discography when dad died, and a lot of my Keaton feels have roots very close to my dad shit - even though, honestly, ironically, the songs themselves mostly touch very heavily on Keaton's relationship with his mum , arguably. but yeah, I really haven't listened to his stuff since early last year, I really haven't let myself, but I've been listening to it a lot lately - I guess you could call it catharsis, but I've been able to forge new connections to the songs and the lyrics, and that’s very unlike me tbh. Mostly they make me emotional about how fucking much I love Bee. Honestly lately I've been having these dreams about marrying her and wearing a cute baby blue suit with funky shoes and cute flowers and looking at her and knowing that I love her more than the world and  I know that's maybe the dorkiest, silliest thing ever but I just feel really, really good abt all of my relationships (and friendships) right now and rly good about myself in them? Idk I just know I am so so fucking lucky to have bee and Kiera and Finn and all of my friendly people in my life and I'm just feeling like I can keep do this and keep going and that ultimately things are going to be okay. I don't know, I just wanted to write shit out so I could hold onto it when things undoubtedly get really hard. So I'm heading home, going to run myself a bath I think, and going to get started on that Louise bourgeois-esque fp/love/death pieces that I've had in my head for a while now, maybe ft. some light winey times and some more Keaton Henson and I'm looking forward to it . I'm feeling okay. I'm going to be okay. We're going to be okay. so @future Arlo, who is probably the only person to read this, take it from me, from yourself, things may feel hard and unbearable, things may feel like they could never ever be okay ever again. But it won't hurt like this forever, I promise. We're gonna rock this and all of your wildest dreams are going to come true, and even if they don't, we'll think up new ones together .

#softly spoken #keep #cope #hold onto this #sex. #relationships. #knife girl #hot chocolate girl #snark boy #d #i #relationship breakdowns. #death. #abuser ment. #for me #benzos. #alc.

[thingsicanttellyouyet]

10:13am i had a dream i was at some birthday thing for some girl i barely know and janie was there and it was kinda awkward and then i started writing stuff to you and she kept asking me about it and i didn't want to tell her what it was i was like it's just all my feelings and stuff and she kept asking me about it and bro i was stressing i felt so bad i didn't want her to see it or tell her what it really was 12:29am we went to the lake today, i was really excited to go and overall it was fun, i learned to wakeboard btw which is a lot harder than it looks but not too bad once you get the hang of it, but the whole time i just kept thinking of how fun it'd be to go with you like if that night never happened and my parents learned to like you and we could do fun stuff like that together, i kept thinking of when my dad was first teaching me how to drive and it was in the middle of a crazy thunderstorm and it was pouring and he kept telling me where to go until i realized we were at the lake and then we went to this one dock i hadn't been to and it was so peaceful and like the middle of the night and i want something like that with you i just want to run away and get away from my family and the sadness and my problems and be with you 12:44am okay so i probably wouldn't tell you this if we still could talk because you'd worry and i don't want you to think badly of me but whatever you're not gonna read this for a long time, the past few weeks have been so so bad like i've completely run out of tears from crying so much i've just been sobbing but not even crying i've been trying really hard to not hurt myself or do something really serious because of how i feel in the moment but it's getting really hard because it's not just a moment anymore, it's all the time, the only reason i haven't yet is because i remember the way we talked about it and you'd make like a timer thing counting days since you'd done it and you were so proud of yourself and i'd never really cared or counted days because i knew i'd always do it again anyway but i didn't want you to worry so i stopped but now you don't know and it's really really hard like everything makes me so sad i can't stay happy more than a few minutes like i 100% don't want to be alive anymore but if i did something about it my parents would be mad and the few friends i have would be sad and also i have you to look forward to and i don't wanna miss out on that but if i didn't have you to think about i don't even know if i'd still be alive anymore, none of my friends know this i haven't really talked to or seen them in weeks the only people i can be with are megan and mackenzie (my new bff, she just got dumped and i have lots of advice because i know what it's like to miss someone) and helaman and jaden, they're like the only boys that don't make me wanna throw up lately it's so bad like boys absolutely disgust me lately i can't be with them or even talk to them without feeling sick or disgusted, oh yeah i went on a date the other night i don't think i wrote about it, it wasn't that awkward we watched cars 3 and then made snow cones, i was so scared the whole time that he'd touch me or try to kiss me or something but he didn't thank goodness and i haven't really heard from him since which i'm happy about tbh wow okay this is long and emo (sorry) and probably doesn't make a lot of sense because i haven't slept in a few weeks and it's late so i'll go over this again in the morning but goodnight i love you