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border-spam · 4 years

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AU Troy Character Timeline

Right, so I saw an incredible breakdown of Troy’s mental journey/state of ego last night ( that I’ll see if I can get permission to post at some point ) that really kicked my confidence into overdrive for writing out a definitive timeline for the version of him I write about in drabbles/fics etc as it was so amazingly similar. This isn’t complete, it couldn’t be because man I have a lot of stuff for this guy, but I hope it’s interesting for people maybe looking for a somewhat logical bunch of HC content that works well with the info we were given ingame.

Writing this was like doing a jigsaw puzzle. Except ten pieces are missing, and you have 2 dominos and a Mrs Cupcake card instead. If you like any of this, feel free to use it. I’ll eventually expand on it in my own works.

Pre Pandora Era - 28 years pre BL3

Severe self esteem / image issues from very early childhood. Leda’s death left Typhon both terrified of Tyreen and desperately paranoid about her safety, leaving Troy to feel far less valued and loved as he found himself constantly failing to compete for attention from his remaining parent.

Typhon never outright called Troy a freak, but he overheard plenty of discussions with his mother and with Tyreen explaining why he was so sick all the time, why he looked the way he did, why he was broken. He never discussed these, they festered in the back of his mind for the rest of his life.

Strived from an early age to be useful, being useful gave him the belief he was valued, and a “Great job kid!” from his father felt good enough that it could almost replace feeling loved.

Misses his mother intensely from the day she died, for the rest of his life. Had no one else to have platonic intimacy with bar his sister, which never felt as freely given as with his mother.

Developed an extremely crippled sense of social behavior and rules. The only people the Twins could interact with till they landed on Pandora ( which I HC was between 18 -19 ) were each other, and their Father.

Left alone on a giant empty planet with no one to tell them no, or instill an understanding of social rules to them regarding others, left them with only a feeling of personal value for each other. This is an extremely dangerous state of mind for any person who will need to function in a social structure, especially a person in power.

Had it hammered into them over and over by their father that the galaxy outside their home was filled with murderers. Animals. Bandit filth. Not like them, not like their parents, horrible, vicious things that would kill them the second they could.

Internalised that to the point where it was a crucial part of their development of self as children. The twins would genuinely struggle to comprehend any other human they met was a person, because they were told their whole developing lives that no one they would meet bar their father would be.

Pre COV - 8 years pre BL3

Lands on Pandora with Tyreen. Woefully underprepared and worried sick, didn’t want to leave Nekro but had no other choice but to go with his sister or die. Misses his father immediately, but avoids talking about it, knowing it will cause an argument.

Disliked that their father had kept them on Nekro intensely, but not enough to hate him the way Tyreen did. This never changed and the regret for leaving him only rotted inside him over the years.

Very excited to finally meet new people, but his social skills are learned through watching old echos and while he can mimic them, he doesn’t understand social intricacies as well as he’d hoped. This sabotages their first few attempts to communicate with Pandoran non bandit natives.

Comes across as weird. Stutters, not good with eye contact, awkward in body language and very unnatural in appearance. Extremely tall (6″7), very thin and sickly looking with sallow skin and dark under eyes. His missing arm and quarter of his shoulder draw far more attention than he had ever expected and he becomes instantly self conscious of the damage to his right side, strongly disliking how it’s pointed out every time they try and interact with one of these idiots.

The twins only had the clothes they had travelled in and at this point they are pretty much rags patched together over nearly 2 decades. Didn’t understand how much appearances were going to matter, Troy had been sure he’d be able to “Mingle with the locals no problem.”, and now feels like he’s letting his sister down by failing to perform the way he’d been so sure of. They move onto the bandit clans once they get laughed out of the first small town they try to impress.

Their first few interactions with bandits have very bad results. They both get mocked a lot, Troy gets insulted even more. This is the first time in his life he’s met other men bar his father and the harsh reality that he is not like other men is really starting to hit hard. He’s monstrously tall, he has no muscle, he’s bony and sick and the bandits make very clear to him that he’s a freak.

Unable to defend himself verbally to people that don’t seem to speak a coherent language, he feels impotent and emasculated. Troy’s gift with words has always been his strong point, something he was proud of, and the bandits barely even understand what he’s saying. Any interest he’d had towards them as other people gets quashed. They clearly aren’t the same as he and Ty, they are beneath them. Savages. They aren’t people after all. His dad was right.

This is the point where he fully switches to seeing almost all others as non-persons. They aren’t people, they aren’t what he and Tyreen are, or they wouldn’t act like this in response to the twins. Any possible empathy he could have developed over time is aborted at this point, and he begins to craft the God King persona he understands he will need to disguise his shortcomings under if he’s going to be in the public’s eye.

Begins to create it piece by piece. Designs their outfits, designs his tattoos and mods, his monstrous arm, their name.

The Calypso twins are born, and the COV with them.

Early COV Era - 7 years pre BL3

As he learns how to communicate with bandits and craft a persona for Tyreen that they will be drawn to, the COV starts to form. While the huge majority of their followers are people they see as not even being the same species as them, they do also begin to fill the higher ranks with people they are meeting over time that they see as having value.

People with skills in categories they don’t, engineers, media experts, accountants, are drawn to the COV for the same reasons as the bandits. Opportunity, just a different sort.

Joining in the early days means having the twin’s ears, and those who have excellent ideas, or bring talent to the upper echelon that the twin's don’t have themselves, eventually end up as high priests and Saints. Department leaders (eg: Mouthpiece ). These are the kind of people he sees as people, though still not on par with himself or his sister in value. These are the few he would be capable of having functional conversations with, building simple relationships.

He has found value in his ability to be very useful within the COV. Leading the Media and Propaganda department has given him a huge amount of power, even if he still physically feels extremely frail.

He’s settled into living in Tyreen’s shadow, she’s the star, but he’s the puppeteer, and he’s happy for it to be that way for the most part. While she can sometimes step out of line or treat him like he’s not equal, he’s quick to remind her of her place during these outbursts, and their relationship is relatively stable.

Troy is fiercely loyal and surprisingly gentle with people he has a bond with. Despite his desperation to have meaningful connections, to be cared for and liked as himself, they don’t stay around him long.

No matter how hard he tries to give them what he thinks they want, they eventually leave, and he doesn’t understand that they are distancing themself because of how he treats other people, not them.

Troy’s complete inability to view the vast majority of people as people means he has a total lack of empathy towards almost everyone else, and this is a terrifying thing to experience first hand. He doesn’t understand this is why his “friends” leave, why they stop being friendly with him, or request to be transferred to another district.

“Why did you do that to them..?” - “Huh? Ohhhh, relax haha, it’s just a bandit.” - “What do you mean, just a bandit, they felt that Troy, what’s wrong with you?’ - "The hell? No, it’s a b.a.n.d.i.t. It’s not like us, it’s not like you, it’s just.. you know, a bandit! Doesn’t matter what I do to em.” -shrug- - “-horrified silence-”

He blames himself each time this happens and damages his already fractured self esteem further. He can’t comprehend that his actions are the problem, because he simply has no way to understand his actions are bad.

Each time someone close to him leaves, it’s another hit to his already crumbling self worth. He has absolutely no strong bonds with anyone bar his sister, who at times seems to barely like him, and he is genuinely desperate for validation and care from someone who likes Troy, not Calypso, not the God he pretends to be.

Every time another one of his “friends” vanishes, another of his little connections to his own humanity breaks. He gets angrier, and sadder, the God King a little more snarling and quicker to snap. It’s a sore point Tyreen tends to dig in during arguments too.

She doesn’t need anyone else, but she’s seen the near manic excitement and happiness he has when he connects with another person over a shared interest or they show actual genuine kindness towards him and not his title. If that person then becomes upset with his lack of empathy, or scared of it and abandons him, it’s another open wound on the already dying soul inside him that’s barely still breathing.

He has a complete and defined understanding of right and wrong, but those rules only apply to people, and his social development from infant to adult left his comprehension of other people so stunted, he cannot fathom that the vast majority of others are people.

God King Calypso is a fucking nightmare to anyone bar the select view he sees as “people like him”. A feral, cackling monster, as likely to airdrop a million dollars onto a tiny village and record the reaction, as he is to rip a bandits arms off during a raid and live steam them bleeding out. All the same to him. Just background NPCs in his game. Placeholder actors in his life. They don’t matter. All that does matter is how they make him feel, or how they further his sister’s goals.

Every year that passes by leaves the God King more polished and defined, more in control a persona, while inside its impenetrable shell Troy DeLeon is slowly being suffocated by the weight of his own sins, without having the ability to understand he had been sinning at all.

God King Era - 4 years pre Bl3

By this point, Troy’s isolation is now deadly. He is a deity, worshipped by billions, with absolutely no points of human contact in his life to anchor himself to reality. No one to help him understand how to apply his sense of right and wrong to his followers, only his sister, who is even more toxic and vicious than he is.

Every day since starting the COV, he’s distanced himself further from the worshippers, the bandits, the acolytes. They are screaming war meat now, they are chips to barter with, numbers on a viewer count, flesh to tear into when he wants to feel something.

His relationship with Tyreen is crumbling. She’s quicker now to imply he’s not as important, he’s not the Siren. She’s called him a parasite in front of a merger board, a burden during a discussion with department heads. Each new crack at his inner ego only strengthens the persona further. Makes it more attention seeking, more willing to lash out at others, more vicious.

His “friends"are long gone, either fled from the behemoth the COV now is, or far away in other districts, planets, cities. The people he is close with now in working relationships are held at arms length. He doesn’t let anyone near him anymore, he’s afraid they will leave too if he does.

The isolation pushes him further into the God King persona every day. If he’s Troy Calypso, he doesn’t NEED anyone else. The further he sinks into it, the more aggressive, the more twisted his actions become, but he doesn't see it that way. This is what his followers want, so it must be fine. Why wouldn’t it be fine to ravenously tear into heretics on livestream if 8 billion people are tuning in to watch?

He’s becoming cruel, he’s becoming vicious, but the man he was before he reached Pandora is still whispering that Tyreen is treating him wrong. That this isn’t how it was meant to be, that he’s not weak or a burden.

But listening to that voice means also having to listen to the one telling him he’s warped into something disgusting that his mother would be so let down by, that his father was right about him being a broken monstrosity. He continues to ignore it, and he loses himself further every day.

The deeper he recedes into the God King, the more he starts having nightmares, the more those whispers in the back of his mind get louder. He does what he can to ignore them, but sometimes something will set him off.

An argument with Tyreen, a momentary feeling of regret for leaving his home, a pang of loneliness. He often can’t sleep, and he knows if he starts to wonder why, clarity for the horrors he’s done could crush him.

Drugs, sex, bloodlust, he tries anything to take his mind off the intrusive thoughts that grow day by day. That he’s a failure. He’s a freak. He’s a cold blooded murder, but every now and then he’ll wake up in a cold sweat and hate himself so much that he wishes he’d never been born.

The feeling passes very quickly as the God King shifts back into place and swallows it down, but while it’s there it’s horrific. He see’s himself from other people’s eyes for just a moment and god what has he turned into. What has he done. He’s a fucking monster.

The man he had been is so damaged under the mantle of this vicious God he’s wearing as a skin that it’s barely alive anymore, and it’s what begs him to kill it in those fleeting moments where he sees past his own facade, where he just for a second realises how many people he has hurt.

He tore his throat out a couple of years before the start of the game story in a moment of lucidity after being sleep deprived for days on end. Tyreen reached him in time when his implanted vitals tracker each twin keeps for the other alerted her to his condition, but it was close enough that he was bedridden for days after her energy transfer closed the wound.

She had been furious with him and made sure it was was kept hushed, the rest of the clergy believing he was on reprieve. Only the twins know the truth of what happened.

He never takes the collars off anymore now, the scars are still there. Convincing Tyreen that it had had happened during a nightmare when he’d left his prosthetic on by mistake was easy. Convincing himself to try and forget he’d been lucid and how it still feels like the right thing to do, is not.

By the point the story begins, Troy is in a constant state of exhaustion, and knows deep down everything he has been through and done to others was for nothing. Tyreen doesn’t care about him the way he does her. She may never have, or she changed, he doesn’t know anymore.

What he does know, is that he won't ever be a real God, and that the only reason he’s still alive is because he is useful.

Maybe he should never have tried so hard to be useful.

Phew.

I guess in a nutshell, my Troy’s greatest downfall is the God King persona.

As long as that shit is active, as long as it’s being worshipped, he’s never going to snap into reality. The reality that other people are there, that he’s been hurt so badly as a person, it’s all impossible long as he is being treated as, and believes, he is a God.

The manic moments of clarity he has in the later stages of the COV rule are few and far between, but they eat him alive as he can’t understand why he suddenly feels so terrible, why he’s filled with such consuming remorse.

Peel the God King off the broken man underneath it and you leave him bare, confused, scared. You make him have to deal with reality, with people, with himself. That’s when you get him to show regret, and understand what he’s done, and understand what Ty has done to him.

That’s the redemption.

When he realises the game he was playing was real for billions, and suffers for it. It ends where it ends as my Troy ain’t dyin’ :P I’ll get to my rewrite eventually. I hope to keep exploring these ideas in the future. Just desperately wish I’d as much to work with for Tyreen as I do Troy. GB YOU HEAR THAT? YOU HEAR THATTTT??

#troy calypso #tyreen calypso #borderlands #borderlands3 #borderlands 3 #bl3 #my hcs #my writing #calypso twins #leech lord

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thefoxsden · 2 years

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————— HOPELESS ROMANTIC —— PART ONE

VIOLENT, THRASHING NEEDLES of emotion cling to Fox’s chest, the inside of his lungs and heart filling with a gradual compression. The pain causing him to become flustered, the harsh flush of red to his cheeks, the shakiness slipping through in his voice and action, his concerning inability to communicate. This intimate space between him and another sharply filled with berating apologies. He was in love.

Though he would never recognize it nor acknowledge it as such. His spattered affections failed him in more ways than one, he would consistently believe he would be burned at the hand if he were to HOLD another. Relegating his concerns to “ past traumas, ” refusing to introspect even slightly, take responsibility for the way he felt or appeared to others in this matter. He held strongly to the belief that becoming close to him resulted in pain or death, and, in disallowing himself the desire of love, he was protecting those around him.

From the momentary childhood connections, to his mother’s death, to the few rooted in his life now, he had been failed in too many ways to justify a relationship. Repeatedly falling back on the easy way out, that he was “ undeserving ” of love, that all he brought was “ pain &. torment, ” and that he “ wasn’t able ” to love as he used to. None of this was true.

Fox was CONSTANTLY in love. Intense, often suffocating, crushes that would seek to change his habits, his patterns, the way he interacted with others and the world. Going out of his way to be in company with whoever the object of his affection was currently. Providing shelter, empathy, food, financial support, anything &. everything he could to help and protect his person, regardless if they needed it or not. He was — and always has been — driven by love.

Love, affection, affinity — all are the breath of life given to him, what he uses and needs to make it through the day. All rely on him, and he to them. All are exactly what he aims to s u p p r e s s.

With this romanticism, he tends to stumble forward into fully-fledged relationships ; explicitly past meaningless-sex, the friends-with-benefits that most expect with his attitude. He becomes a provider, someone that’ll support this person in everything they do, hyping them up, an ear to vent to, impulsive gifts and encouragement he reduces for others. Actions that will lead to this person, and everyone around them, to believe their being together.

It’s this belief that causes the cataclysmic fire to rage through every relationship he falls into.

Failing to recognize the actions he takes towards this person at first, believing he to make a new friend, effectively leading them on, this builds the momentum that blinds him as he rushes through his emotions that find him in the middle of a blossoming relationship. Then, as rapidly as it began, it ends. His mindful recognition of what became setting off his guilt&. anger, he begins to purposefully self-sabotage.

Undoing everything in paradoxical rage, a sudden silence followed by a verbal assault, the keen cut of support from sanctuary to faith, a martyr’s excuse of “ hurt. ” It would bleakly turn TOXIC, seemingly from nowhere. And he hated every bit of it.

Once he came to realize his relationship with this person, he also came to understand the love he felt towards them, afraid of its geniosity. His self-sabotage as a way to avoid confronting these emotions, it hurt him even more to bring this pain onto these people. It wasn’t done out of hate, but fear. Fear followed by guilt.

Refusing to accept his actions as abuse, he was still actively aware that what he was doing was abusive, cutting off someone he plainly cared for in his own greedy agony. It was easier for him to follow through if he convinced himself of the same reason why he refused to fall in love in the first place. To believe he was never meant to love made his actions predetermined, despite his active decision in hurting those around him. This was because of the GUILT that would follow every relationship he hadn’t planned.

He was still in love with SELINA.

#been sittin on this and i have no idea why #it's a banger #fox loves more than he could ever admit to himself #but he always fucks it up and becomes the shittiest he can be #just to avoid a false sense of hurt hes built up in his head #that and the pain he doesnt want to inflict on selina #hes a fuckin mess #ᵡ⌋ вlood oυт тнe woυnd || ‘ HEADCANON ‘#meta tag

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tatmid · 3 years

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Length: 3 years Sign: Cancer

My first serious relationship of 3 years. He’s an extroverted, outgoing and sociable person with a tactful approach to dealing with humans. A wonderfully empathetic man that understands me intuitively. Feeling heard and seen by such an opposite of my personality really draws me towards him. I can be somewhat distant, socially anxious and reserved by nature. Because I finally meet someone whom I am not only physically attracted to, but emotionally so, I finally feel seen and heard. We complete each other’s sentences and connect on such a soulful, intuitive level. We met online, through a dating app. The initial phase of our relationship was met with a lot of my anxious tendencies. I was jealous of him going out with some female friends that seemed too close to him. And he was really driven by the idea of polygamy. Deep down, I appreciated him for introducing me to this topic but that is when I realised it activated my anxious-preoccupied thought pattern. I can never do polygamy. It simply breaches and activates my inner core wounds. We overcome it by coming to terms with how it is not going to work and we have to date monogamously which he is thankfully, more than happy to adjust to. However, this tense feeling of mistrust still sits in my chest which dissipates slowly with time. It was difficult to begin with.

Another fault in the line I noticed is that we really didn’t have the same future goals. He was struggling with his career in an extremely niche field so financially it is a problem. He also has issues with an extremely anxious mother and a father who left them years ago. This is interesting to note. His mother is an extreme version of me. Could this be the familiarity psyche that often leads us to choosing what is familiar instead of healthy?

We were cautious of dates in terms of how much we spend, and basically there is a level of lifestyle that we could only afford to. I was young, ambitious, determined and brought up to know being self-sufficient was the way to go. I noticed I hyper-fixated on my own career, knowing that I have to work harder to ensure we live a comfortable life. With this mindset, I neglected my need to want to feel supported by, and with my anxious-preoccupied tendency, I only feel like my role in the relationship is to provide. It damages our relationship dynamics to some extent.

As I climbed higher up on my career ladder and sank further into this narrative/role I set for us, I grew impatient at his lack of determination to do something to help me. He refused to sell out and seek work in more commercial fields which would greatly boost his monthly income and offset rent. I began to resent him deep down for not sacrificing enough for us to make it work.

I believe this is the biggest rip in the fabric of our relationship. I failed to support him and I pressured him to change.

It ended, and it hurt. I could not live to forgive myself for the longest time. But now, I realise my need for stability. I need someone who is ambitious, practical and realistic.

Another thing was codependency. I noticed these things that will not have a solution for yet I am tirelessly unable to let go and leave. I did not believe someone could love me as well as he did, and I was afraid to be alone again. With the fear of being alone but stuck in a unstable therefore insecure relationship in terms of being unsustainable in the long run, I continued to project all my frustrations on him, thinking that listening to me constantly with every little thing that stresses me out in my life is the least he could do for me. I did not had a healthy group of friends either, growing up socially anxious, my friends are mostly his friends. I led a codependent relationship with him, and had most of my life and identity surrounding him. Throw that in with a fear of abandonment, it is extremely toxic. It eventually broke his patience and limits and he felt like I was putting him on a pedestal he could not live up with. He broke up with me. It was the single most painful event I had endured till this day, aside from the lifelong inability to show love to my parents healthily. Because of this, I realised I stopped loving him for how he sees me, my kindness and soul and with all the past I’ve overcome that he celebrated me for and felt inspired by, but I instead, focused on what he can and should do for me when the way he loved me for seeing me as me is the purest kind of love and intimacy I craved and still looking for till this day.

The lesson here is to cultivate my own world and shape my own identity with my partner, not become them because of my anxiety. To hold my boundaries and be mindful of my expectations and communicate truthfully. To know when and why to leave a relationship and that it is always safe to do so. To know your partner cannot fix everything in your life, sometimes you need professional help to do so. To not be afraid of anyone even if they may leave you, not even the person you think you love is worth this fear. Most importantly, I need to not neglect my needs only then will I be doing them a favour so they can love me right. I need to build my confidence and know that my worth is not based on how much someone else can love me.

I am still working on these things. As I grow along and share my more recent dating experiences, these patterns constantly come up and causes me to sabotage my relationships. Not entirely on my part for sure, but these do trigger things for each other enough for it to stop working.

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thetallpines · 7 years

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The Moving Forward Spread - 09/07/2017

I had a very moving moment with the Moving Forward Spread. In the past few years my partner and I have dealt with trust issues related to his addiction and recovery. We love each other and are in a very good place right now, but I’m about to leave for a week long work trip and it will be a big challenge and test for us both - me, for trust, and him, for maintaining his recovery and not indulging in self-destructive behaviour (he is confident and feels good about this). I ask the cards how we can move forward from our past, and how I can embrace trust and move into the next stage of our lives together.

The cards delivered. The first card represents the situation we face, and it’s telling that the Knight of Wands presented itself. The Knight of Wands, with its backwards-facing horse represents my partners inability to let go of the past (his youthful party days) and his need for “adventure”. It represents his reluctance to embrace a quieter, more mature lifestyle which he has in the past viewed as dull and repetitive - too pedestrian. The background in the Knight of Wands is of a barren desert, for continually living in the past is not fruitful and it is a lonely path.

The second card represents how to begin moving forward. Here, the Knight of Cups is presented - knights represent romance and dedication to love (or a particular lady). We see how the Knight of Cups is moving slowly forward - not rearing in place like the Knight of Wands. The key to moving forward here is baby steps and keeping the eyes on what is most important - our love for one another. For my partner, this means focusing on the relationship and fostering the love we have, placing it before cravings and actions that could sabotage the relationship or bring pain to himself or others. For myself, this means focusing more on the love we have now rather than the pain from the past, and always placing that first over resentment or regrets. The horse in the Knight of Cups is moving forward and the landscape has transformed from pure desert to a landscape with water and trees - this path is more fruitful.

The third card, Ten of Wands, represents the help to lean on. In the past, I know I have been co-dependent and taken on the burden of his addiction - constantly trying to help, but often making things worse. Here I imagine it is time to allow him to carry the weight of his own struggles, and for me to carry mine. But I also imagine it to show that in times of need, we can count on one other to carry the person forward and to shoulder some of the burden. We must lean on each other, while remaining accountable to ourselves for our own actions. Just as the Knight of Wands carried the single wand by himself in the other direction, now there are multiple wands - not just thinking of oneself but of others. I see card in a positive way - taking on responsibilities that were neglected before, moving into adulthood and maturity even if it is difficult and sometimes less fun.

The fourth card represents how to continue on. Here we have the Ace of Swords - the gift of clear thought. I see this representing higher values. The sword thrusts into the sky, much like in Justice, and is crowned which signifies success and respect. To continue on, we must have a singleness of mind and clear focus on our goals and what we want to achieve. We must have singleness of purpose and determination. Most of all, with the nod towards justice, we must act justly to one another and maintain truthfulness and mutual respect and communication.

Finally, the fifth card represents the outcome. Here the Queen of Cups sits on a throne with water swirling around her. She sits peacefully and - much like the Knight of Cups, is focused on the cup in front of her - focused on love. She is intense and dedicated to the highest and purest quality of her suit - and that’s selfless love. It’s an intense connection, and this cup is elaborately adorned. It is a love that is highly valued and beautiful. Coupled with the water around her, this card signifies love and healing - in this case, healing from a difficult situation. There are three cherubs or babies on her throne - and my partner and I wish to have three children. I see this signifying that our future will be built on a solid foundation (her throne) and that our desire for children will come true. Her throne is backwards facing, but her focus is on the cup - I take this to mean that we can look back on our past and come out stronger for it.

All in all, this was a very positive reading and I feel reassured about how to proceed forward.

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runningfortacos · 4 years

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A few weeks ago I reblogged this post. It made so much more sense to me how things work and how relationships are supposed to work (and how my brain had been trying with that tactic the whole time).

For a long time in my most recent relationship, I felt like I was constantly trying to encourage my partner to try. He was always convinced that no relationship was perfect, from his grandparents, his parents, his friends. But what he didn’t understand is that no matter what, all of these people had told us that their relationships weren’t easy, that they had required patience, communication, kindness. And throughout our relationship, I had found myself attempting to communicate and met with someone who thought that these weren’t things to talk about. I wanted to point out things I found difficult and work on a solution together. He stayed silent. He used situations that had gone poorly (our inability to build IKEA furniture together once, gardening problems, my obsession with having a clean house) to justify why these things weren’t fixable. But there were arguments against all of these things as well, we were eventually able to build IKEA furniture together successfully, I like gardening more than he does and he didn’t have to help, and I decided that the only thing I’d request is all dishes in the dishwasher at the end of the day and no clothes on the floor.

I am not perfect in this either. I had been upset that his friend was mean to me and he didn’t back me up, that he thought I was chubby compared to what society wants us to believe, and yea, I like things to be clean. But I didn’t cease to communicate my feelings. There were so many signs I should’ve seen this coming, but of course I had hoped that he would suddenly have the revelation that he was overthinking what happiness should be.

So yea, when he messaged me and wished me a merry Christmas, I was thrown off. He had decided that he did not want to make our relationship a priority in his life, he didn’t want an us. He made a choice to not continue. While I don’t hate him and I respect that, his choice was to give up. He went with his feelings instead of the logic that people can communicate and change. Again, I do not blame him, I am no cake walk. But it’s really hard to be friends with someone who decided that I wasn’t worth it to him to recreate why we were together in the first place. How many adventures we got up to, things we had tried, and how much we had gone through.

And what’s stupid is that I worry that he will sabotage his own happiness in the future by thinking he can have some sort of instantly perfect relationship, the firework feelings and everything. I really hope that he understands what his Oma and Opa meant some day, and he doesn’t overthink every relationship to death.

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lucids · 5 years

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Covert Narcissists Use These 3 Sneaky Techniques To Disarm And Demean You

We’re all familiar with loud, bold, and overly confident overt narcissists. These types of narcissists are visibly grandiose, aggressively posturing their superiority for all to see. They may be vain and somatic, overly focused on their appearance, or they may be on the more cerebral end, contemptuously putting down anyone and everyone who threatens their so-called intellectual superiority.

Fortunately, overt narcissists are usually easy to spot and hopefully easier to avoid investing in. Covert narcissists, on the other hand, present new challenges; they can appear meek, innocent, introverted, shy, charitable, even humble at first glance. They can be disarmingly seductive, even loving, personable and gracious.

Yet beneath their quieter nature and seemingly sensitive façade lurks a contempt and sense of entitlement that is ultimately even more harmful simply because it is so startling and traumatizing to the victims who bear witness to it. Their tactics work to diminish, demean and sabotage their victims behind the scenes – which is why their manipulation and exploitation can leave their loved ones blindsided and reeling from the unexpected psychological violence they subject them to. Here are three manipulation techniques that covert narcissists use and tips on how to stay grounded if you encounter one:

1. Mixed put-downs, double meanings and coded language. A mixed put-down occurs when a covert narcissist is threatened by someone else’s intelligence, accomplishments, status, appearance or any other resources he or she may covet. It involves throwing the victim off the pedestal while also offering potential for getting back on it. In order to put their victims down while still evading accountability, the covert narcissist will first provide a sweet compliment, followed by a backhanded “slap” of sorts (ex. “Wow Mary, you’ve really lost weight! Too bad about the sagging skin, huh?”).

This can also occur vice versa – the narcissist may first attack with an overly critical stance, only to seemingly ‘soften’ the blow with a crumb of a compliment to create confusion in the victim (ex. “You do know you’re completely wrong about that, right? Well, you’re hardworking, at least, I’ll give you that.”). This will allow their put-down to appear more like a legitimate critique rather than an excuse to tear you down unnecessarily. It “trains” and conditions the victim over time to seek the narcissist’s approval and validation.

Covert narcissists can even get creative and send a mixed message by contradicting their seemingly innocuous words with a devious undercurrent. For example, this may include giving you a compliment with a condescending tone of voice, relaying a humorous “joke” at your expense with a contemptuous look, using a startling gesture or provocative facial expression or saying something that can easily have two meanings (one innocent, and the other, abusive). Of course, they will do everything possible to convince you that they never “meant” to communicate the more malicious meaning, but the underlying undercurrent of something deeper is always present in such an interaction.

They may also engage in what I like to call “coded” language. This can involve putting you down in front of others by poking fun at something they know you’re sensitive about, but others may not realize is a vulnerability of yours.

Much like an inside joke, the knowledge of how this comment affects you is shared between you both, but unlike an inside joke, it is meant to undermine you rather than build rapport. It also serves to evoke reactions in you that may seem excessive to any outsider looking in. This is a way for them to get away with their abusive behavior and provoke the victim to react in public. They then use their victim’s reactions to prove the victim’s “instability” while casting themselves as the innocent party.

To understand why covert narcissists employ these methods, remember that their ability to prey upon a victim’s uncertainty allows them to create a sophisticated “Gaslighting Effect.”

The victim is led to so much conflict and uncertainty about who the really abuser really is that he or she is compelled to find a sense of closure or resolution. Essentially, the victim reduces his or her own cognitive dissonance and confusion by choosing to “believe” in the abuser’s version of events. Slowly but surely, these covert put-downs, coded messages and ambiguous comments become integrated into a warped reality that the covert manipulator creates for his or her victim.

TIP When encountering a put-down like this, avoid reacting to the narcissist’s hypercriticism as much as possible. Instead, validate your own accomplishments and leave the conversation as soon as possible. The more emotionally reactive you are to a put-down, the more likely the covert narcissist will store that information and use the same exact tactic again in order to provoke you.

If you react to their hurtful tactics and coded language in public, rest assured they will use your reactions as “proof” that you are somehow unstable. Keep your cool in public whenever possible and if possible, address it to them in private (though, it is likely they will never own up to it) if you have to.

If you are feeling baffled as to whether or not you’ve experienced a covert put-down, compare the way the narcissist has reacted to your success to the way other, healthier people in your life have. Chances are, the healthy people in your life congratulated and celebrated you in whatever arena the narcissist is currently putting you down in. This is a sign that the narcissist’s criticism stems not from helpfulness, but rather from their pathological envy.

2. The great diversion. The covert narcissist does whatever is possible to distract you from the fact that they are putting you down in the first place. That means that they will create all sorts of diversions to get you from staying grounded in your own sense of what has just happened. This serves to disguise their malicious intent to gain control and power over you by keeping you in a state of perpetually walking on eggshells. Instead of focusing on holding them accountable for their behavior, they get you to refocus on your own behavior, personality, or fabricated flaws.

One second, they may be making a harsh, cruel comment about your body, and the next second, they’re being disarmingly sweet and complimentary about how slender you are, as well as how you “read too deeply into things” when you express your confusion about the sudden “switch.” Another minute, they’re planning a romantic evening out with you, and the next, they’re blaming you for expecting that of them in the first place – even if it was their idea to treat you in the first place. By intermittently switching from pain to pleasure, from dissatisfaction to loving admiration, they are able to hide the fact that they’re constantly shifting blame onto you.

This is how they “divert” from the fact that they’re putting you down and setting you up for failure by constantly shifting the goal posts. It is also how they change the subject rapidly when they are confronted on their shady behavior. Phrases such as, “I am not going to argue with you,” or “This isn’t worth pursuing” is common when they are called out on their insidious tactics. No matter what you do or don’t do, the narcissist will rarely be satisfied and you will never be satisfied by their inability to ever take responsibility.

TIP Stay true to what you experienced and observe the long-term patterns of behavior rather than what the narcissist claims to be doing or not doing. A narcissist’s longer-term predatory behavior will tell you far more than their contradictory words ever will. When a narcissist tries to “divert” you from the main topic by pointing out something irrelevant you did or said, or tries to stonewall you by ending the conversation even before it’s had a chance to begin, repeat the facts, stay focused on the issue and end the interaction without giving into their gaslighting attempts.

3. Tunnel vision minimization. This is when the narcissist develops “tunnel vision” by hyperfocusing on something irrelevant or unrelated to minimize something you’ve accomplished, are proud of or something they know is considered an asset of yours. If you’ve graduated with a Master’s, the covert narcissist might start demanding to know when you plan to get your Ph.D; if you recently signed the lease on your dream apartment, they might change the subject to something in your neighborhood that seems unsavory or mundane. To a narcissist, there is always a way to get under your skin and inside of your head.

The presence of minimization can usually help you identify who the narcissist is in a group setting; while others are congratulating you on a job well done, the narcissist is often lurking in the corner, sulking and ready to burst your bubble like a needle to a balloon with a backhanded compliment, excessive critique or a “helpful” obnoxious reminder of something they perceive you’re lacking.

Remember: when a covert narcissist causes you to feel insecure, uncertain and unbalanced, it is often because they don’t want to deal with their own emotional issues and the fact that they may not be as special or unique as they desperately want to believe. This is where the narcissist continually passes off any unwanted feelings onto their victims. Minimization and projection act as self-serving tactics for the narcissist to avoid the discrepancy between the grandiose, false self and the true self.

TIP Resist the minimization and maximize your self-validation. Instead of focusing on the narcissist’s envious attempts to minimize you, refocus on the people who are celebrating you. Realize that in the narcissist’s minimization is a secret confession of their own sense of ineptitude and entitlement; they want to be exactly where you are and have what you have but they know they never will. You really are that threatening to their false sense of superiority.

Most importantly, celebrate yourself. Self-validation and self-love are two of the most powerful tools you can have when conquering the sabotage of a covert narcissist. TC mark

This article first appeared on Psych Central as 3 Sneaky Techniques Covert Narcissists Use to Disarm and Demean You.

By Shahida Arabi

Shahida is the author of Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse and the poetry book She Who Destroys the Light. She is a staff writer at Thought Catalog.

Source: https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/02/3-sneaky-techniques-covert-narcissists-use-to-disarm-and-demean-you/?utm_campaign=related&utm_source=thoughtcatalog&utm_term=shahida-arabi

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newstfionline · 6 years

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Venezuelan schools emptying as Chavez legacy under threat

Vivian Sequera, Francisco Aguilar, Reuters, April 25, 2018

SOCOPO, Venezuela (Reuters)--It is mid-morning on a weekday yet all that can be heard in the once-bustling corridors of the Orlando Garcia state primary school is the swish of palm trees outside in the wind.

The white, tin-roof building in the town of Socopo once held nearly 400 children, yet closed two months ago in a protest by teachers and parents at low salaries and lack of school lunches.

Nearly 3 million children are missing some or all classes in Venezuela, according to a study by universities, in a depressing knock-on from a deepening economic crisis that could cause long-lasting damage to the South American country.

Venezuela has about 8 million school children in total, and free education was a cornerstone of ex-President Hugo Chavez’s 1999-2013 socialist rule of the OPEC nation.

Now, along with hospitals and other flagship welfare projects, the education sector is in crisis, heaping pain on Venezuelans and eroding Chavez’s legacy as his successor Nicolas Maduro seeks re-election in a May 20 presidential vote.

In Socopo, in the agricultural savannah state of Barinas that was once home to Chavez, half of the 20 public schools, including Orlando Garcia, closed completely in February, mid-term.

They have since reopened, but, along with the rest of Barinas’ approximately 1,600 public schools, they are operating just three days a week.

Venezuela’s economic implosion has led to millions suffering food shortages, unable to buy basic goods. Prices double every two or three months and the currency is worth less every day.

Education experts fear a stunted generation.

“Hungry people aren’t able to teach or learn,” said Victor Venegas, president of the Barinas chapter of the national Federation of Education Workers.

“We’re going to end up with a nation of illiterates.”

A major bonus for school children was once free food but state food programs are now intermittent, and when lunches do come, they are often small and missing protein.

The problems are felt across the country, with children often falling unwell or dizzy due to poor nutrition.

“We were singing the national anthem and I felt nauseous. I’d only eaten an arepa (a local cornbread) that day, and I fainted,” recounted Juliani Caceres, an 11-year-old student in Tachira state on the border with Colombia.

While critics lambast him for incompetence and corruption, Maduro blames Venezuela’s crisis on Washington and the opposition, accusing them of waging an “economic war.”

Officials constantly downplay the social problems.

“Amid the economic war, the fall of oil prices, international harassment and financial persecution, not a single school has closed,” Maduro said at a Caracas rally last month, referring to U.S. sanctions against Venezuela.

His Barinas governor, Argenis Chavez, however, acknowledged the closures in Socopo, blaming them on the opposition as part of a plan to sabotage the upcoming election.

Despite Venezuela’s plethora of problems and Maduro’s personal unpopularity, he is widely expected to win re-election, given that the opposition’s most popular leaders are banned from standing and the main anti-Maduro coalition is boycotting the vote on grounds it is rigged in advance.

One opposition leader, former state governor Henri Falcon, has broken with the boycott and is hoping Venezuelans’ fury at their economic woes will translate into votes for him.

According to the opposition, prices rose more than 8,000 percent in the 12 months to March.

Teachers in the public sector earn around four times the minimum wage of just over a dollar a month at the black market exchange rate. That is nowhere near what Venezuelans need to feed themselves and their families.

“With my last paycheck, I was able to buy a kilo of meat and a kilo of sugar,” said Roxi Gallardo, a 35-year-old teacher in the Andean city of San Cristobal who, like so many others, is looking to leave Venezuela.

In addition to food shortages, school communities are suffering from a collapse in transport systems and inability to pay bus fares, plus frequent water and power-cuts.

“We’re heading back to the 19th century,” said Luis Bravo, an education researcher at Caracas’ Central University.

Doctor Marianella Herrera, at the same university, said the combination of inadequate nutrition and patchy education would cost Venezuela dearly in the future, depriving it of skilled workers.

“The longer this goes on without reversing the situation, the tougher it will be,” she said.

#Venezuela #Venezuelan schools

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dragnews · 6 years

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Venezuelan schools emptying as Chavez legacy under threat

SOCOPO, Venezuela (Reuters) – It is mid-morning on a weekday yet all that can be heard in the once-bustling corridors of the Orlando Garcia state primary school is the swish of palm trees outside in the wind.

A general view shows Orlando Garcia state primary school in Socopo, Venezuela March 2, 2018. Picture taken March 2, 2018. REUTERS/Carlos Eduardo Ramirez

The white, tin-roof building in the town of Socopo once held nearly 400 children, yet closed two months ago in a protest by teachers and parents at low salaries and lack of school lunches.

Venezuela has about 8 million school children in total, and free education was a cornerstone of ex-President Hugo Chavez’s 1999-2013 socialist rule of the OPEC nation.

In Socopo, in the agricultural savannah state of Barinas that was once home to Chavez, half of the 20 public schools, including Orlando Garcia, closed completely in February, mid-term.

They have since reopened, but, along with the rest of Barinas’ approximately 1,600 public schools, they are operating just three days a week.

Venezuela’s economic implosion has led to millions suffering food shortages, unable to buy basic goods. Prices double every two or three months and the currency is worth less every day.

Education experts fear a stunted generation.

“Hungry people aren’t able to teach or learn,” said Victor Venegas, president of the Barinas chapter of the national Federation of Education Workers.

“We’re going to end up with a nation of illiterates.”

Children attend classes at a school in San Cristobal, Venezuela February 20, 2018. Picture taken February 20, 2018. REUTERS/Carlos Eduardo Ramirez

A major bonus for school children was once free food but state food programs are now intermittent, and when lunches do come, they are often small and missing protein.

The problems are felt across the country, with children often falling unwell or dizzy due to poor nutrition.

“BACK TO THE 19TH CENTURY”

While critics lambast him for incompetence and corruption, Maduro blames Venezuela’s crisis on Washington and the opposition, accusing them of waging an “economic war.”

Officials constantly downplay the social problems.

“There may be weaknesses in the food program in some municipalities, but we are always attentive and looking to improve the situation,” Education Minister Elias Jaua said in an interview in Barinas.

The government insists education remains a priority and says that 75 percent of the national budget goes to the social sector.

Slideshow (10 Images)

His Barinas governor, Argenis Chavez, however, acknowledged the closures in Socopo, blaming them on the opposition as part of a plan to sabotage the upcoming election.

One opposition leader, former state governor Henri Falcon, has broken with the boycott and is hoping Venezuelans’ fury at their economic woes will translate into votes for him.

According to the opposition, prices rose more than 8,000 percent in the 12 months to March.

In addition to food shortages, school communities are suffering from a collapse in transport systems and inability to pay bus fares, plus frequent water and power-cuts.

“We’re heading back to the 19th century,” said Luis Bravo, an education researcher at Caracas’ Central University.

Doctor Marianella Herrera, at the same university, said the combination of inadequate nutrition and patchy education would cost Venezuela dearly in the future, depriving it of skilled workers.

“The longer this goes on without reversing the situation, the tougher it will be,” she said.

Eudys Olivier, a 39-year-old homemaker in a poor area of San Felix in southern Bolivar state, and her two children, live off her husband’s bakery wage of just under $5 per month.

“If there isn’t enough food, I prefer to leave the children at home,” she said. “I want them to go to school every day because it’s their future. But I can’t send them hungry.”

Reporting by Vivian Sequera and Francisco Aguilar, Additional reporting by Maria Ramirez in Bolívar and Anggy Polanco in Tachira; Writing by Girish Gupta; Editing by Andrew Cawthorne, Daniel Flynn and Rosalba O’Brien

The post Venezuelan schools emptying as Chavez legacy under threat appeared first on World The News.

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#Daily News #Daily World News #Daily Business News #Daily Sports News #World The News

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cleopatrarps · 6 years