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#that sudden dread when you wake up suddenly thinking. oh my god. I didn't do this thing
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Imagine Shu Itsuki suddenly remembering something at an ungodly hour.
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sebstanseabass · 3 years
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Afterglow (A Bucky Barnes AU fan fiction) - Chapter 12
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Afterglow chapters
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader
CHAPTER TWELVE
The chilly wind knocked against your small windows, mirroring the pounding in your head. Opening your eyes felt impossible as the dried tears stuck on your waterline. You groaned with your mouth closed, pulling the blanket over your body. You opened your mouth, licked your dry lips like a puppy just waking up; the aftertaste of liquor sat on your mouth. You almost wanted to hurl everything you put into your mouth last night but you suppressed it, seeing that you were in no state of getting up just yet. How much did I have to drink last night? Did I do something remotely stupid? Did I go somewhere? You had more to ask yourself but your thoughts dissipated, just dreading this hell of a headache to end.
There was more pounding and knocking; left, right and in just every direction — on the windows, in your head and lastly on your door.
"Are you up, doll?" A deep voice echoed from the other side of the door. It belonged to Bucky.
Bucky. Oh fuck, Bucky.
Your eyes shot open at the sound of his voice (not minding the stickiness on your waterline), sudden vivid images appeared in your mind. The bar. Bottles of vodka on the floor. Steve. Your photos. A limo on the street. Wandavision. And Bucky's arms wrapped around you, lips fluttering on your forehead. Dead, drunk thoughts.
Everything was coming back to you. Even the taste of liquor and the smell of the damp street.
Still in a state of hangover, you couldn't bring yourself to speak just yet so you groaned a bit louder, letting him know that you were now brought back to life.
"Good morning, sunshine." He said a little too loudly for your bionic ears.
"Sshhh." was all you could muster, hiding further into the little cocoon you had made yourself just earlier.
"Come on, doll. It's past twelve but I did cook you breakfast."
The softness in his voice made your heart flutter and lessened the pain in your head. Slowly, you uncovered yourself and revealed the mess that you were to Bucky who was just standing patiently in front of you.
"How are you feeling? Do you need to hurl?"
You swallowed, and shook your head no as you slowly stood up from the bed. You grabbed the edge of the nightstand as the floor beneath you started to spiral. Before it could even swallow you whole, Bucky sped towards you and kept his arms around you until you reached the bathroom. You gestured to Bucky that you could wash your face and brush your teeth all by yourself so he let you be. He retreated towards the kitchen.
You tried to find your voice back once you splashed your face with the ice cold water. Yeah, that'll cure my hangover. You stared at your reflection in the mirror and was surprised you didn't look as much of a mess than you imagined you would be. You were thinking disheveled hair (baby hairs going up in different directions, looking like a kid who just played with the static electricity ball for the first time), smudged lipstick, running mascara, and clothes from the night before — a walk of shame starter pack.
A look of confusion crossed your face, noticing that you weren’t wearing the same clothes you were wearing last night. Then you looked back at Bucky with wide eyes, who was whistling a song while preparing breakfast at noontime.
You splashed your face with more water before going to the kitchen. Breakfast had been served at the small round table. Eggs, bacon, bagels, toast, and of course, Bucky's cereal.
"T-thank you." You managed to say.
It seemed like, you noticed, whenever Bucky did something nice to you that you obviously could yourself, the words seemed to fall out of your mouth so painfully slowly. This was the second time. No one had ever bought you clothes before, and had made you breakfast before, so saying the phrase "thank you" came somewhat unnatural.
Bucky didn't seem to notice as he scooped a big chunk of his cereal. "It's no problem. I figured you'd be hungry after... last night."
"Right." Last night.
You sighed, biting a piece of bacon. Oily, savory bacon which tasted better after a hangover. Good God.
The silence started to creep around you as you ate, among the elephants in the room (yes, elephants. I was rather a big crybaby with an undeniable thirst for affection). They were hard to ignore, of course and you knew you had to say something, at least the word "Sorry" but the simple five-letter word got stuck in your throat.
"I was expecting for us to talk once Howard dropped us off but you were knocked out." Bucky started. You mentally thanked him for speaking first but God knows, you couldn't quite handle confrontation — at least not about you. "I hope you don't mind, I changed your clothes and took some of your makeup off your face. You made quite a mess."
"I-I noticed." Third time. "And no, I don't mind at all. I think a 'thank you' is rather appropriate."
"You're welcome, doll." He grinned. "Don't worry, I didn't look. I undressed you with, uh, utmost respect."
"And hey, if you'd seen me naked then we're even." You laughed, recalling the first time you had met him.
"I promise you, I didn't see you butt naked so we're not even."
The mood lightened up a bit and started to take its own pace. You began to sit more comfortably on the chair, and grab more bacon and eggs. "Bucky," You started, hating to break what was a nice, light atmosphere, "I think I need to address the elephant in the room."
You’ve always hated that phrase. Elephant in the room. Why did it have to be elephants? Why couldn't it be, oh I don't know, dogs or cats or a raccoon? It sounded less scarier.
"I was just about to start." Bucky chuckled.
"I truly am sorry for the things that happened last night. Getting drunk, being such a fucking crybaby, and for well, you know."
Bucky knew. You knew. Even if you were drunk as a skunk, you knew all too well what you did. And you shouldn't have done it. Not like that, anyway. Not in that state.
"I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you, Bucky. I guess I just had my jar full and I exploded right then and there. Y-you have to know," Fourth time, "I don't normally act like that. So rash, and irrational, and such a child. I usually think things through but last night, I clearly didn't. Please don't tell Parker about this. Not a word. Even though I basically take care of him, he's still so worried about me. Last night won't happen again. It was... impulsive, reckless, childish. And just plain stupid."
"Are you done?"
I frowned. "Um, yeah. I think I am."
"Look, y/n. You don't have to apologize. You're allowed to feel that way sometimes and it's okay."
"To feel that way, yes, I suppose but to act on those feelings... I don't think so. God, you shouldn't have seen me like that. Oh, God. Why did I let you see me like that?" Then, your face fell on your hands.
"I don't know if you remember this but just in case... You actually told Steve to call me.”
"I did?" You lifted your face, your eyes meeting his. "Oh no. Steve. I have to apologize to Steve. I think I said some mean things to him or... or something. And I have to pay for those drinks."
"Already taken care of. I talked to him this morning."
"You have Steve's phone number?"
"Let's just say I have my ways, yeah? Now you don't have to worry that much."
"Okay, yeah." You knew now more than ever never to question Bucky when he says stuff like that. "Thank you, Bucky. Really."
"I know, doll." He continued. "So... about your little speech. It was quite big. Ironically. You, uh, really let your guard down."
"To be honest, I don't remember much of it." You admitted, hiding your face through the little knots in your hair.
"I don't remember the exact words you said but I do think you said something of the lines of having to prove your parents wrong and that you've achieved nothing since you came here. And then you told me a bit about your friendship with Wanda and I suppose seeing her studio that fine afternoon pulled a trigger on your envy."
Suddenly, you heard yourself through and amidst the honking vehicles, the sounds of feet trudging the sidewalk, and the snotty wailing coming out of your nose and mouth. You relived it in my head, heard every crack of your voice, smelled the liquor from under your nose, and felt Bucky's hand interlaced with yours.
"Yeah, it's all coming back to me now." I really did let my guard down. All walls. Down. Just like that.
"You've never been back there? To your home?"
"No." You answered. "I have never stepped foot in New Jersey again ever since I moved here. Going back meant I failed and so, maybe I should go now." Bitterness was evident in your voice.
"Y/n, if I had your talent," Bucky set down his utensils now, his eyes digging right into yours, "I would never give it all up, even if it meant rebelling against my parents. If... if my folks were alive and would stop me from chasing my dreams... Hell, I too wouldn't listen to them. And you shouldn't either."
It was the first time Bucky mentioned anything remotely related to his birth parents or anything real in his life. You looked at him, crouched like a little child, lifting a spoon to his mouth. And there it was again, an onion peeling on its own, layer by layer by layer, but still missing its very core.
"It's been years yet I'm still stuck in the bar. That was only supposed to be a temp job to help Peter pay the bills." You knew in your heart and mind that you should stop yourself from talking but your walls were already down; the downest (is that even a word?) they've ever been. Here you were, in a room in front of a man you had only known for days and you had already revealed the most vulnerable side there was to you, that you didn't know even existed.
You didn't know if it was the remaining alcohol in your system or your walls crumbling down some more but talking about it felt right. Because you knew these words were aching to come out of your mouth, desperate for someone to hear them.
To hear you.
"I was so sure," you continued, "that I was going to skyrocket in the media industry. Making a name for myself, seeing my photos on billboards, magazines — everywhere. I wanted to see the world but I got stuck on product photography for small businesses. I was supposed to move on to bigger things... Bigger names. Now, I don't know what's in store for me."
"Y/n, you're living in the city of art and culture. You're surrounded by art and that's why you should explore more of it. And then once you do, find its center; its heart. Let that be your... masterpiece and then make more of it."
"You know, you're really good at selling some bullshit."
"You say it's bullshit now, doll." He laughed. "Until you see the big picture."
Bucky's words kept echoing on the walls of your brain as you tried your best to sleep off the headache you were still suffering from. But the pain in your head overpowered his voice, letting you doze off for a few more hours before you showered, slipped into some comfortable clothes and headed down towards the bar.
It was thirty past five when you arrived in the bar — the latest you had ever been but the realization seeping in your mind slipped away upon seeing Steve enter his office. You ignored the calls from Nick and Nat from behind the counter, wondering why you were so late. Once you were outside of Steve's office, you took a deep breath and gently knocked on his door.
A soft "come in" was heard.
You obliged and stepped inside his cramped office.
Steve stood upright by the window, holding and reading something inside a folder. He noticed your figure and slowly retreated back to his chair. He ushered you to sit across from him. You sent him a tight-lipped smile as soon as you sat down.
"I think you probably know why I'm here." You started. He nodded in response. "Steve, I am so so sorry about last night. I was just... I don't... I can't even begin to fathom why I even did that in the first place — "
"Y/n, stop." said Steve. "I forgive you. And I think I owe you an apology too."
"What do you mean?"
"Last night, you asked me why I bought those photos and why I let you put some of them here in the bar. I didn't lie when I told you that I like them and they're amazing shots but... I think I also did it out of pity.”
And there it was. The truth. Whoever said the truth sets you free never had been lied to. And whoever said it must be suckerpunched right in the face.
"You were struggling, y/n. I could count on the fingers the people who went to your exhibit."
That photo exhibit happened more than a year ago, or maybe less — you couldn't quite remember as you buried it at the back of your mind. It occurred in a space for rent here in the Upper West Side, the same size as your apartment. As Steve described the scene that day, the memory immersed at the center of your brain, placing all the things displayed, all the people who showed up one by one. And little by little, a part of you started to fade into dust.
"You don't have to remind me, Steve."
Steve slid a bunch of photos on his desk towards you. The photos you took from the walls last night were staring at you. Crumpled. "Your new friend Bucky paid me a little visit this morning. We had quite the chat."
"Bucky came?"
"He showed the photos to me and left them here after paying for the drinks you drank last night. I don't know why he did it. He never gave me an explanation but it got me thinking... All these photos, I realized, were of us, the people around you."
"What are you getting at, Steve?"
"The bar, the street outside of the bar, the streets from your rooftop, and the park. They're all a part of your routine. I know I've always shown this professional front in front of you guys but you're not just my employees. I care about you and your well being, and your dreams. That's why I'm letting you go."
"Letting me go?"
"Y/n, what I'm trying to say is you're fired."
"What?!"
Your heart started to pace quicker than it usually would. It started to feel like it was about to punch Steve right in his damn face and knock him off the wall.
"No, no, no, no! This... This is a good thing."
"What? No, it's not! I'm the best employee you're ever gonna get." You argued, trying to save your job.
"That's why I'm firing you, y/n. I don't need you as my best employee. This isn't where you belong. Bartending won't get you anywhere near your dreams."
"But it helps me pay my bills!" You exclaimed, your voice getting higher and higher.
"I know, I know that's why I'm giving you a one-week notice. To think things through, and maybe have a plan."
You scoffed. "I had a plan that took me almost a year and three years later, it didn't work out and now, you're telling me I have one week to plan my damn future?"
"I'm risking losing my best employee yet." Steve replied with a smile, leaning against his cushioned chair. "Take what you can from that."
It had been a few hours after the little talk you had with Steve. Your head was spinning all over the place. You were having a hard time taking orders, and making drinks. You’ve had a few people complain to Nat. Apparently, you had been mixing up orders for the past few hours. Nick encouraged you to take a little break and while having that little break, a familiar lavender-vanilla scene filled your nose.
Your hunches rang true as you saw Bucky enter the bar (no suit this time, just a polo shirt and some trousers). Behind him followed a black man, entering the bar for the first time. Bucky spotted you in seconds inside the farthest booth where no one usually sits. A smile landed on your lips.
God, was I happy to see him.
The moment his arm snaked around your waist, your thoughts dissipated in a snap. "Hey, doll. I brought a friend of mine."
The black man beamed upon seeing you, extending his hand out for you to shake.
"Okay, let's cut to the chase. My name is Sam Wilson and I want to make business with you."
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Negan x Reader Imagine (Request)
can you do a negan imagine where the reader is one of his wives and gets pregnant and when she tells negan, he gets angry and tells her to get an abortion. But the reader wants to keep the baby and leaves the sanctuary in the middle of the night. Later negan regrets what he said and tries to go to apologize and finds out that she left. then (about 10 months) after negan meets the reader and the baby when he comes to Alexandria.
Warning: Some strong language.
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Your heart was hammering in your chest as you stared blankly at the wall. And as you glanced down at your shaky hands, you thought your heart might even explode. How would you tell him? How would you tell him you were pregnant? You continued to listen to your heart thumping against your chest as you decided what to do. You were one of his wives. You didn't want to screw that up. But the news of a baby would certainly screw your agreement up. He wouldn't want you anymore. And as twisted as it was, you wanted him to want you. But after a few more minutes of debating things in your head, you found yourself heading towards his room to tell him the news.
"What the fuck did you just say?!"
You watched as his face twisted in anger. "I-I'm pregnant."
"Pregnant! You're fucking pregnant! Tell me you're getting rid of it!"
That was when you realised; you hadn't actually decided if you were keeping it yet. You weren't even sure if you wanted a child. You were dragged away from your thoughts when you heard Negan's loud voice again. "Well?!"
"I-I'm keeping it." You hadn't even had time to think it over, yet you found yourself giving him an answer anyway. And as you blurted out those dreaded words, you finally realised that you did want a child, even if it meant sacrificing your life with Negan.
"I don't think so. I'm taking you to the doctor. You're getting rid of the damn thing." He growled, roughly wrapping his fingers around your wrist.
"No! I want to keep it. It's my kid, and I choose to keep it." You quickly jerked your hand away from his grasp and made your way over to the door.
"Well if you keep it, you can't be my wife anymore. You understand that right?"
"Yeah, I understand just fine." You spat, hurrying out of the room, making sure to slam the door behind you. You knew he wouldn't like the idea that you were pregnant, but you would've never imagined that he would be so quick to decide to get rid of it. He disgusted you. And you didn't want to continue living under the same roof as someone as spiteful as him.
Later that night, you decided to pack up your things. You couldn't stay here in The Sanctuary anymore. This was no place to raise a child, especially if the kid's father ran the place. Once you were all packed up, you proceeded to sneak out of The Sanctuary. There were people on watch so you had to make sure you weren't spotted. Negan might not have cared for you, but he'd be furious if he caught you leaving in the middle of the night. Besides, he still owned you, didn't he?
***
[10 months later]
"Look, (y/n). I have to let him in. He's threatening to kill people." You stared up at Rick, who was standing awkwardly in your doorway. A couple months back, you'd found a group of people who brought you to this place. Alexandria. And now Negan was here. And much to your dismay, he'd spotted you on his little tour around the place. And now, he was insisting that you sit down and speak to him, after leaving so suddenly all those months ago. You let out a heavy sigh. “Fine.”
Within seconds, Negan was already strolling into the room. “I tried to apologise ya know.”
“What?”
“The night you left. I went to your room to apologise, but you weren’t there.”
“I had to leave, Negan.”
He just began slowly walking around the room, a small grin appearing on his face. “So did you keep it?”
“Him. And yeah, I kept him.”
All of a sudden, you noticed his eyes light up slightly. “It’s a boy?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I see him?”
“Are you serious right now?”
He just nodded. “Yeah. Now that I know you’re both alive, I gotta see my kid.”
“Wow, you’re such an asshole.”
“Oh come on. It’s my kid too.”
“Well the last time we spoke, you wanted me to get rid of him. So I’m sorry if I don’t trust you to be near him.” As you watched him pace around the room, it was clear that he obviously wanted to meet his son. But you couldn’t stand the thought of Negan even being in the same room as your child. Negan was toxic, and you didn’t want your child anywhere near the trail of destruction that was hemorrhaging in his wake.
“Please, (y/n). You gotta let me see him. I’m sorry, okay?”
“How do I know I can trust you?”
He sighed. “You don’t. But do you really think I’d hurt my own kid?”
“I’m not worried you’re gonna hurt him.”
“Then why can’t I see him?”
“Because I’m worried you’re gonna want him.”
A quiet laugh fell from his lips as he spoke. “Why’s that a bad thing?”
“Because I don’t want my child anywhere near you. All you do is cause pain.”
“Oh come on. Stop being a little bitch and let me see my damn kid!”
As you stared up at him, memories from the night you left came flooding back. And in this moment, all you wanted to do was hate him. You wanted to yell and scream after all the hurt he’d caused you in the past. But you couldn’t. You’d always cared for Negan, but you could never bring yourself to accept your feelings. And now, you were forced to confront your feelings for him, as he was standing before you, asking to see your child. His child. There was a permanent connection between the two of you now, and there was no way of erasing it. You had no choice but to allow him to meet his son. “Fine! You can see him. But don’t you dare try anything, or I swear to god I will end you.”
He laughed. “Okay, Mommy.”
“Just shut up.”
You led Negan into the neighbouring room, and the second he spotted the crib in the corner, he smiled slightly. He was clearly pleased to see his son, but you were still wary. “So this is him huh?” He smiled, staring into the small structure.
“Yeah. Now get out.”
“What?”
“You’ve seen him. Now leave.”
“What’s his name?”
“Why do you care? It’s not like you’re ever gonna see him again.”
“You think I’m just gonna abandon my kid?”
“We don’t need you, Negan.”
He turned to face you, a small grin playing at his lips. “Can I at least hold him?”
“Fine, but then you’re gone.”
He smirked. “Okay.”
You stepped back slightly, as Negan carefully lifted him out of the crib. At first, you were cautious, and with good reason. But the longer you watched him staring into his son’s eyes, you felt yourself warming to the idea of Negan becoming a father. You’d never really seen this side of him before, and it was nice to see him so gentle and tender. Maybe there was a chance Negan could remain a part of your life after all.
Hope this is okay. ✌️
***
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@jamiekingofmen
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etlunainmorte · 4 years
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***
Farewell for now, my dear beloved V. I will see you again tonight.
I will see you in my dreams again.
I love you,...
... forever.
Goodbye for now, my dear, sweet lady. I will meet you again tonight.
I will wait here for as long as I live.
For as long as I can.
I love you,...
... forever.
And so, he waited. Patiently, he waited, night after night, for your return. And when you did come, he would greet you, as always, lead you to that same worn - down bench, and read poetry to you from that old book of his.
And just like old times, he tried to reach for you, his fingers idly traveling towards yours. Just like old times, your hands finally linked, and just like old times, your bodies finally met.
Just like old times, you were given the chance to be this close to him - to the man you loved above all else.
Just like old times, he was given the chance to hold you close to his heart - the woman he dreamed of for such a very long time.
And just like old times,...
... the morning,...
... separated you.
Letting go of you for what seemed like a hundred times already, or even more, he spoke,... something quite different.
Something,...
... that seemed to stir everything in motion.
"As sad as It is,... we are too far." 
The man began, making you turn your head back to him. And he was still there, sitting on that old bench. And yet,... he looked sad, and weary.
He looked utterly depressed.
Depressed that morning came too soon.
Depressed that the moon was going to sleep.
Depressed,...
... that you have to leave him, yet again. 
"I cannot hold you the way I would love to, or enjoy a nice cup of tea with you,... or maybe go for a nice and peaceful walk with you as we enjoy the night sky."
And with sad eyes, he looked at you, his feelings affecting you,... so much,... that you couldn't help but ache for him,...
... and your short - lived relationship.
"I can do nothing if you fell for someone else."
With a smile so warm that it could melt any hearts of stone, you went towards him. You sat next to him once more, and cupped his cheeks with your soft and dainty hands.
"And what makes you think I would fall for someone else?" You told him, your voice soothing him and calming his nerves. "Every waking day of my life, I only think about you. Every single hour of my life, I only wait for the moment when we would be together once more.
"V, I cannot, will not, last a day,... without you. You,... are the only man I would ever love."
"Is,... that,... ?"
Is that true? That I' am the only one? The only man that you'll ever love?
That you will not last a day,... without me?
Those were the questions that went all over his head. But, he was too afraid of asking you those questions. And even before he could muster the courage, you suddenly vanished right in front of him,...
... never to be seen again,...
... after a few more months.
V waited. He waited patiently for your return.
What is taking her so long?
I wonder if she's doing well,...
What if she's not going back?
Again, some sad thoughts plagued his mind, seemingly affecting everything around him. The beautiful evening sky slowly became dull and moonless, and the white roses he was taking care of were slowly beginning to wilt, no matter how much he watered them, or took care of them.
Everything,...
... seemed to fall apart,...
... without you.
Maybe because this garden was a reflection of his own mind, heart, and soul. He longed for his one, true love so much, that his sadness was slowly beginning to alter the perfect world he so painstakingly conjured for the two of you. He was losing his hope,...
... until, finally,...
... you arrived.
And as always, he greeted you, led you towards the old worn - down bench, and read poetry to you.
But, then, as he was about to reach for your hand, he noticed,... something different about you.
You skin,... looked pale and wan. Your eyes,... have lost their radiance.
Your hair,... looked dull and lifeless.
Throwing all pretense aside, he cupped your cheeks and made you looked up at him.
Such,... cold skin! Such,... empty eyes!
Such,...
... sad features,...
"My dear," The man asked. " ... are you,...in pain?"
And to this, the woman he loved,... tried to smile.
And that burden alone,... made his heart ache so, so much.
"I'm fine. I'm with you! I'm always happy to be with you. I'm,..."
He caught you just in time when you lost your consciousness, your current condition leaving him with no other choice but to allow you to take a rest until the morning comes.
And when the dreaded morning did come, you opened your eyes, stood up, and waved goodbye, leaving him alone, and confused, in his own world.
After a fortnight of your uncharacteristic absence, you returned.
However, the man was not able to greet you, or lead you to that same, old worn - down bench, or read poetry to you.
He knew, right then and there, that the current state of his beloved utopia was not a direct reflection of his feelings.
The dull, moonless evening sky, your dull skin,...
The wilting roses, your thinning hair,...
His perfect world,...
... was a reflection of your current earthly state.
He could not help the tears that fell from his tired and weary eyes as he beheld you, a shell of your former, radiant self.
You noticed this and made an effort to smile. You pointed at your horribly thinning hair and made a funny gesture as you rolled your eyes.
However,...
... it didn't make the man smile.
Not even a bit.
"The treatment," You told him, your smile still not leaving your precious face. " ... feels so horrible." Your dull (E/C) eyes lit up as you held out your hands at him. "Anyway, I'm - "
But, you were not able to finish your sentence as the man pulled you into his arms.
He wasn't able to greet you, nor lead you towards that old worn - down bench, nor read poetry to you.
He remained like that, embracing you, rubbing your back, and not letting you go, for even a moment.
The morning would soon come, and he must do everything he can to make you stay. Hell, he would even fight the gods of this world.
They,...
... can't take you away from him!
They can't - !
All of a sudden, an agonizing howl escaped your lips. Watching you double over in pain as you clutch your mid - section, V could not do anything but stay with you and distract you from your agony with his own sweet words.
The flowers and plants, not just the roses, dying. The sky now being ruled by something even more sinister, not just getting dull and moonless.
A storm,... was coming.
The man lifted you up from the ground at the first traces of rain and quickly made his way towards that one place he rarely go to - the gazebo.
Carefully putting you down, his eyes not leaving your form for a moment, he called your name. And when you heard his voice, you opened your eyes, smiled, and lifted your hand at him. He took it and placed it on his face, wanting to share some of his warmth with you.
He knew, he could feel it,...
... it's almost time.
"V - v,..."
"My dearest,..."
"I l - l - ove y - "
And just like that, before you could even finish your words,...
... before he could even answer,...
... you were taken away from him by the god of death.
Your form vanishing before him as the storm only strengthened, he tried to hold onto what remained of your existence - the feeling of your skin against his.
He closed his eyes, endless tears flowing from them, as he curled and waited for the storm to die.
As he waited for everything to die,...
For V, it felt like an eternity, this period of waiting for the sorrow of a loved one's departure to subside. But, when he thought about the times you were together,...
... the waiting,...
... seemed tolerable.
And when he opened his eyes once more, he was greeted by a specter so grand, he was almost convinced that his eyes were lying to him.
It's as if,...the storm didn't pass, at all. The mighty sun was shining high above the clear blue morning sky. Birds of all kinds were chirping happily, and the flowers,... these, oh, so beautiful flowers! Most especially his favorite - the white roses,...
... the sweet roses that reminded him of you,...
... were very much alive and blooming at their greatest.
And from a distance, he could hear a very familiar voice.
"V!"
The voice called.
"V!"
It called once more.
The man stood, looked at the garden, and saw you, beautiful, radiant, and healthy you running towards him as fast as you could.
Your luscious hair flowing as the wind blew, the skirt of your immaculate white dress softly touching the grass, and your smile as precious as ever,...
... you,...
... never looked,...
...so happy,...
... and so alive,...
... than ever before.
Meeting you halfway and touching your hands, wanting to know if this was only a dream, the man spoke.
"My dearest,..."
"I'm home, V." You told him as you held him close with the warmest of embraces. "My love."
"My love!" The man answered as he lifted you and twirled you around like a princess. He, then, put you down and pressed his lips against your forehead. "I can't believe it! You're here! With me!"
"Yes!" You answered as your arms went around his neck. "Finally! If this is truly Heaven, I don't ever want to leave! I want to stay here with you. Forever!"
"I love you, (Y/N)."
"I love you, too, V."
"Welcome home, dearest."
***
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jaehunn1es · 4 years
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「 chapter 1 」
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𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘺𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵 : https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6IItoVQ3fGBnawcwWJorLd?si=fdl-nECpQ9KHtD7FIB06Bg
♡ ♥ ♡ ♥ ♡ ♥
3.7k words
pov // Y/N 1st person
I close my eyes and enjoy the kiss of the sun on my cheeks. I step into the shade of the breezeway, relieved from the burning gold in the air. Although the sun has barely risen, the heat from the impending summer is intense. The coolness from the cover of the breezeway feels nice, and the cool breeze passes through the hem of my pink sun dress.
This is my favorite time of the week. Friday morning classes. The campus is a ghost town, as no college student wants to wake up at 6:00 a.m. on Friday's for a math class. It feels as if I am the only one alive, the emptiness being oddly comforting. I approach the math building and step into the pleasingly silent hallways. The loud text notification of my phone disturbs my serenity, and I scoff audibly to myself. I pull my phone from my dress pocket and a smile trickles across my face as I see the text message
>> renjun ₓₒ⋆:°*:  hi!! good mornin g    asf~
I laugh to myself at the message he sent me. I simply like his message, not feeling like responding as my brain is barely functioning. I approach the dark stairwell and climb the 2 flights of stairs to reach Mr. Shindong's class. I think about how I will be spending the never 3 hours in his class, and I sigh. I dread having to sit in there for 3 hours. I just have to suck it up, I think to myself. I will be out at 10:15 for breakfast. Only one math class per week. I reach the second floor and stop at the vending machine right outside of the corridor leading to the classrooms, picking a cotton candy BANG. Being a few minutes early, I drag my feet to my desk and plop into my seat. The classroom of around a dozen students is quiet and relaxing. I take my phone out of my pocket to respond to Renjun as I begin to feel my eyes flutter shut, and sense a pair of eyes glaring at me. I look up and see Mr. Shindong's beady eyes lasering into my skull. I sigh and slip my phone into the front pocket of my book-bag. This is going to be a long 3 hours.
তততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত
I walk out of Mr. Shindong's class, my stomach growling painfully loud. I groan to myself, a migraine approaching as it travels up my body. I head out of the dark math building and am exposed to the bright outdoors, teeming with college students rushing to their next class or the cafeteria. The sunlight nor the noise help with my impending migraine, and I walk through the breezeway to reach the east side of the campus. The trip to the cafeteria is but a blur, my mind sleeping as my body falters to the east side of the campus. I suddenly find myself at the entrance of the cafeteria, not entirely aware of how I even got here.
With my energy drink in my left hand & my student ID in my right hand, I am permitted into the crowded cafeteria. My eyes scan the cafeteria for a place to sit, and I decide on tall stool and small table in the corner. I set my drink down and I climb to the top of the stool, plopping right down. I look over hopelessly to the lunch line. Fuck, I think and scoff to myself. Wrapping around the entirety of the right side of the cafeteria, I don't even feel like entering the line to eat. However, the pounding in my head is telling me otherwise. BOM! BOM! BOM! my head goes. It continues louder & louder. I feel like I'm going to pass out. Please stop please stop please stop please-
I am distracted from the pounding in my skull when I feel slender arms wrap around my waist suddenly. I jump at the sudden warmth against my back, and smile when I catch a whiff of the familiar cologne.
"Hiiiii" the familiar voice says warmly, limbs still draped around my torso. I accept the hug and breathe in the pleasing musk of the cologne. Sandalwood and ivory. "Stop smelling me, weird bitch." they say through a smile, and unwrap their arms from around me. "Renjun, my head hurts and your cologne makes it worse" I lie. I catch his eye roll as he walks over to the table over, grabbing a stool to place beside me and jump onto. "Oh, shut up Y/N. I know I smell good" he says. I sigh. His arrogance annoys me, but he is right.
"Why does your head hurt" he asks while looking past me, pretending to be uninterested by my answer. "I'm definitely not starving." I say blatantly. Can he not see my table without food on it and the long ass line? He signs dramatically and shrugs his shoulders. "Well. I guess I will have to eat these two McDonald's hot cakes combo all by myself" he says through a cracky voice, and proceeds to fake cry into his hands, moving like a Sim. I giggle a bit. I take notice at his hands, now completely ignoring his animated fake crying. Wow. His slender, pretty fingers that his face is buried into. They look so clean and soft. I feel the sudden impulse to grab his hands. What the fuck? I think. I must be really tired. My brain finally processes what he earlier said and my attention is redirected to his book bag. "Wait you have food?" I ask, my mouth watering at the thought of sinking my teeth into a chicken biscuit. Or better yet, a sweet, fluffy pancake drenched in sweet syrup. I want to eat. Now. He looks up, & utters a cheeky "Maybe." I smile, the hunger ravishing through my stomach. He studies my face a bit, & then breaks from the stupid little character he was playing, flashing a warm smile. His beautiful teeth are on full display, glossy from the light reflecting onto them. "C'mon, lets go eat it" I say, hopping off of the stool and pulling his book bag to get him to follow me.
🙤 · ┈┈┈┈┈┈ · ꕥ · ┈┈┈┈┈┈ · 🙦
We reach his dorm room, and he unlocks his door with the key. The contrasting smell of the dank hallway compared to the room hits me in the face. The smell of his dorm never fails to catch me off guard— fresh for a dorm room, especially a guys dorm room. My nose is happy as it is flooded with the smell of faint lilac. Renjun's nose turns up, and eyes scan the room suspiciously, until they are frozen on the coffee table by the couch. "That bastard!" He exclaims, throwing his hands up. "Can Haechan never clean up after himself?" He scolds, tossing the paper plate and slightly aged pizza into the trash can. I smile to myself. Haechan. He sprays some air freshener and his body tremors as he makes a disgusted face. Renjun is very particular about how things are organized and cleaned, he has been as long as I've known him. His roommate, on the other hand, is not. "Here," he says, gesturing at the small couch, "the couch is clean." He lays his book bag onto the couch so I can go ahead & dig in, and he struts to his bathroom. I unzip his backpack at the speed of light & pull out the brown paper McDonald's bag. I grab one of the plastic containers & rip the lid off, eyes lighting up when I see a stack of pancakes and syrup. I spread the syrup all over my pancakes, stomach growling in anticipation. The warmth of the container radiates on my legs, my mouth is fucking watering.
Renjun returns from the bathroom after he washes his hands and flops on the couch beside me, lazily forming a C shape against the cushions. I sit criss crossed beside him, facing towards him. He looks at me, looking at the container of food on my leg. He raises an eyebrow. "You gonna eat?" he asks.
I nod quickly & cut the first piece of the pancake. As soon as it enters my mouth, my eyes roll back. So fluffy & sweet. I chew slowly, savoring the taste. I open my eyes back up & see a wide eyed Renjun in my view. "Do you always moan when you eat McDonalds pancakes?" He asks. Moan? I didn't realize the involuntary whimper exiting my mouth as I dug into my food. "Yea actually I do" I say, continuing to shove pancakes down my throat, not even caring to cut them. He smirks and laughs to himself, grabbing a couch pillow & places it over his lap. He takes off his lid & digs in.
»»——⍟——««
I finish my food quite soon, as I had been digging into it like a caveman. Cavewoman.
"What do you wanna do tonight?" Renjun muffles to me with his mouth full of pancakes. I let out an "Oh," remembering it is Friday night and neither of us have classes tomorrow or Sunday. I shrug my shoulders, no idea popping into my head. He holds a finger up and closes his eyes, an idea popping into his head as he chews the remainder of his bite. "There's an art showcase tonight down the street," he exclaims. My eyes open widely in excitement, and a smile runs across my face. I nod quickly, showing my appraisal for the idea. An idea them crosses my mind.
"I have weed." I say. I think about how fun it would be to smoke and then go see a bunch of art. His eyes light up and he puckers his lips. "I mean, if you're willing to share, I'm definitely not declining." He says. We haven't smoked together in a while, only hitting his roommates pen every once and a while. But it isn't the same as an actual blunt. The sensitivity and happiness from a blunt is so much better than the oversensitivity from pens. It feels as if I'm pleasantly floating, my body warm and mind pleasingly empty.
I reminisce on the first time we smoked together, thinking of junior year of high school. It was the first time we had met, one of my friends had known him. A fun group hangout. I attended Millie Hill High School in the suburbs, and he had attended the rival school in the city. We had became friends after the first hang out, immediately getting along. At first, we would see each other only at sports games and in group hangouts. Eventually, we became pretty close and would meet a few times a week to hang out. Those were the good old days. I realize how much easier high school was than college now. I used to have the biggest crush on Renjun, too. I would be lying if I said I haven't daydreamed about making out a few times. Sometimes my mind wanders to a little more. Imagining his hand gliding up my thigh, softly whimpering into his ear. The noise of appraisal he would give me as I roughly grab his hair. God. A singer he is, I can only imagine he would produce the most beautiful moans. I've heard him groan before, but never in a sexual way unless he was joking. The way his hips would snap against me as-
"Oh shit, what time is it?" Renjun calls out, interrupting my train of thought. My cheeks flush, as I come into realization of what I was thinking of. I feel guilty suddenly, seeing the innocent look on my best friends face as he checks his phone. What the fuck, Y/N I think to myself. I really just thought about fucking him. Again. I shake my head to relieve myself of the thoughts as if my brain is a Etch-a-Sketch, feeling guilty when I think of him like that in his presence. "Shit, I gotta go to my class" he says, throwing his book bag over his shoulder in one swift move. I am a little too mesmerized, & he looks at me with a puzzled expression with an open mouth. I pull out my phone so I am not subjected to any questioning. "Ok uh, I'm going to class. I'll see u in a few hours." He says. I nod, looking at a blank screen on my phone. "Are you just gonna stay here?" He asks. "Yea I think, is that ok?" I speak in a monotoned voice. "Sure. Haechan should be here soon. See you later." he says, and blows me a kiss. I blow him one back, our signature farewell. It never fails to make me blush a little. He turns around on his heels, and makes his way out of the dorm room door.
I flip my body so I'm laying down across the couch, and my eyes pan in the direction of the stagnant TV. I reach for the remote on the ground, and turn the TV on. The college logo and promo video is the first thing I see, and I scoff. I decide to watch the full promo video, as I never have sat through it's entirety before. I see Jack Gruthford, one of the Kappa frat house members throwing a football. His body is impressive, but his head is absolutely empty I think. The screen uses some tacky PowerPoint slide transition and fades to a picture of the photography majors setting up their props to shoot the basketball players. My eyes scan the photo, and I see Renjun gracefully taking a photo from afar. I stare at him for a second. He is dressed in a linen crop top with baggy jeans. My saliva gets caught in my throat when the fact that he's wearing a crop top settles into my brain. Crop top. Ok. Very nice. Cool.
I would by lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed when yet another PowerPoint transition crossed the screen, more tacky than the next. For the next few minutes, I am met with photos of different sororities, frat houses, sporting events, and random photos of students in class. As the next photo crosses the screen, my brain recognizes the familiar face. It takes me a minute, before I realize it is a photo of me. I'm biting a pencil, my eyebrows furrowed. I am sitting in a fuzzy chair in front of my window. The lighting is super pretty. This was taken in my dorm room. A hot flush crosses my face, as I am suddenly both embarrassed and honored. I am puzzled before I see the watermark  in the bottom left corner, reading renjun☆. A hot flush crosses my face, as I am suddenly both embarrassed and honored to have been photographed and put into the video. I didn't know he took that picture of me. I wonder how many he has. I do look pretty in it, I have to admit. Besides the dumb ass expression on my face, the sun is passing elegantly through my hair and my hands are daintily holding a textbook. I am concentrating hard on whatever I was studying, and my lips are pursed. The image fades away, and is replaced by a photo of the debate club competing with another college. I sigh, picking up the remote to scan through the channels available. I am mindlessly faced with multiple boring looking television shows and movies, scoffing to myself.
I am interrupted by the bursting open of the dorm room door, and a familiar "Hi!" booms through the room. "Hi Haechan" I say lazily from the couch. He marches over and flicks me in the head. I don't move, I feel too tired. I realize I never drank my energy drink, as it is still in my book bag. "Hyuck, do you mind handing me my energy drink from my bag?" I ask. "Of course, my princess!" He says in a painfully high pitched voice. I roll my eyes as he pops open my drink and hands it to me. I sit up so he can sit on the couch with me. He settles down to the opposite corner of the couch. I have known Haechan since senior year. Renjun has been friends with him since middle school. He attended Renjuns' high school, and I met him during a hang out.
"I never realized," I say & take a sip of my energy drink, "that I was in the school promo video." Haechan looks over at me with his eyebrows furrowed. "It's been there for a month." He says as if I were stupid. "Oh..." I mutter. That picture has been there a month? "Renjun took it of you. He thought you looked pretty." He says, and catches himself. "I-I mean, he thought the photo was pretty. The lighting was cool." He says. I nod my head slowly, taking in what he first said. Looked pretty. It rings through my head. Renjun told Haechan he thought I looked pretty in it? I know it doesn't mean anything because both Renjun and Haechan compliment me, but something about the way Haechan corrected himself made it more special. "Yeah, I know I look pretty in it." I say to Haechan, in a triumphant tone. He clicks his tongue, & rolls his eyes. "Maybe." He says. What is up today with them? They are in love with me lol. I laugh to myself at my thoughts.
"Do you want to play Minecraft?" Haechan asks me. I nod my head, feeling my energy drink finally kick in. He reaches over to grab the controllers, and brushes his finger delicately over the turn on button of the X-Box. His hands are beautiful, his honey skin grazing over the gaming console. What the fuck. Why am I so horny today? He hands me the controller, his warm hand grazing against mine, sending shutters down my spine. I twitch, and he laughs to himself. "You cold?" He asks teasingly, and I get timid as I realize he noticed how I reacted to his touch. He sits against the couch, parting his legs to man spread, his back forming a C shape against the cushions. His knee touches against mine as his legs are spread a little to far to be accidental. My saliva is caught up in my throat as my eyes settle to his crotch. It's not like I can see anything, but his suggestive pose has my mind racing. Can my mind please stop? They're some of my closest friends. Why am I thinking this way towards them?
I gulp a little too loudly, and open my mouth to speak to Haechan. He immediately catches this and looks over at me, looking into my eyes. "Are you going to the art showing tonight with me and Renjun?" I blurb out. He bites the inside of his mouth, contemplating in his mind. He shrugs his shoulders after pondering a few seconds, and speaks. "I don't think so." I nod and glance at his Adam's apple bobbing as he replies. I squeeze my legs together, feeling my core get warm. He looks up at the sudden loss of warmth from my knee, looking at my thighs squeeze together. He stares for a second, and I freeze, not knowing what to do. He smirks to himself, and redirects his focus to the TV to turn the game on. That bastard. He knows what he's doing. I am horny today. I need to stop. These are my best friends, I cannot be thinking this.
"I have a question," Haechan blurts our, breaking the tense silence as he clicks through the menu to select our Minecraft world that Renjun, Haechan, and I occasionally work on. "Hm?" I ask, my eyes glued to the screen. "Have you kissed Renjun yet?" He asks. I can't detect the exact emotion in his voice as he asks. "No, I haven't." I quickly blurt off, taken off guard by such a personal question. I answer truthfully. I've thought about it hundreds of times, but I have never kissed Renjun. Back in twelfth grade, there was a period of time where there was a rumor that I had given him head at a party. It wasn't created by him; in fact, we never figured out who had said it. All I knew is that it made our friendship awkward as hell for a little bit. Every time we would hang out during that time, there was a sort of sexual tension. A few times we got close to kissing, but we never went through it. "And what do you mean yet?" I ask, now aware by how he phrased it. Yet? What the fuck does that mean? Haechan laughs.
"You guys have known each other for years & you have never kissed?" He half says, half asks. I divert my focus from the screen where I have began building the porch of my house, over to him. "I've known you for years and we have never kissed!" I exclaim. He throws his hands up in defense. "Hey, hey, hey. I didn't say we did." I shake my head, and wonder if he is reading my thoughts right now. I've imagined of kissing both of them, and much more than that. "You should try it." He says. My ears perk up at this odd statement. Does he mean try kissing him or Renjun? Do they now know I have never kissed anyone? I am a kissing virgin? I don't want to fucking embarrass myself. "Yeah, ok." I say sarcastically, half meaning it, but hoping to relieve some of the tension. I see his eyes widen from the corner of my eyes. He reaches over to his phone to blast music from the speakers, and I am thankful, for we no longer have to exchange words.
—— to be continued
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