#then my will to work would hit at 10pm and i'd be up till 2am anyway

[lazylittledragon]

isn't it weird how if you get up at 7 or 8, do your work all day, then have free time and go to bed at 11 that's absolutely fine

but if i said i get up at 10, do fun stuff in the morning then work in the evening and go to bed late, i could be called lazy, nevermind that i'm getting just as much or MORE work done as i would in a traditional work day

#ramble #idk if this is a me problem or not #i've tried to do the early rise early bed thing again and again and it just does not work for me doing freelance right now #maybe it's bc i used to work at a bar so i'm more comfortable being active in the evening #i love working at night because there's less going on to distract me #what used to happen is i would get up early then fight executive dysfunction all day saying i couldn't do fun stuff until i did my work #then my will to work would hit at 10pm and i'd be up till 2am anyway #right now my routine is waking up later and playing a game or knitting for an hour or so and then working in the afternoon and evening #something something capitalism and 9-5 and adhd don't go together #this sounds like i'm just making excuses but it works and i'm actually getting shit done and sleeping enough so i don't see the problem #i just figured i'm probably going to sit and do nothing for a few hours in the morning anyway so i might as well give myself permission to

[nothing0fnothing]

Tw: my mom. I don't know how old I was. I just remember I had just gone home with a spelling test and it was full of 3-5 letter words. The system was you would take spellings home on a Monday, and do the test on the following Friday. My mom's expectation of me was I would have the list learned the first day I took it home. She was used to me being an "easy" child, so usually, it didn't take much effort to teach me. So we sat at the dining table till I was getting it right. She would read the word, I would spell it out loud. I dont know what was different about this particular monday, but 2 hours went by fine, after that I was tired and hungry, and where I was getting it right, I was starting to make mistakes. The letters were getting stuck in my head and my mom was losing patience with me. She didn't want me to get up from the table till I had every word perfect 10 times in a row. I'd been sitting at the table from 3.30 when I got home from school, past my 7pm bedtime trying to get it right so I could sleep. Hadn't been allowed to eat yet. My dinner went cold on the table while.By 10pm she was screaming every time I got one wrong and hitting things around the house. She would read, I would attempt, I'd make a mistake, she would slam something, or smash something, or throw something. She smashed a glass into the kitchen sink then read one out loud and I hesitated for a second. She didn't even give me a chance to try, she had my hair in her fist and she pulled me off the barstool type chairs we had in the dining room. I fell on my knees and she dragged me to the cereal cupboard. She shut my hair in the cupboard door and pinned it closed with her knee, and hit me over and over again till her arthritis pain was too much to keep going. I was absolutely devastated. Sobbing and catching my breath in my throat. Loudly wailing till she'd stopped. I felt like I was choking to breathe, She didn't even wait. She pulled me up by my school jumper, plonked me back down at the dining table and kept reading. My dad worked evenings at a restaurant. He was on a late close that night, meaning he usually came home around 2am. When he came home, I was still there. Crying, inconsolable at the dining table, my mom, wine drunk sluring my spellings at me. I went to school the next day exhausted. Found my teacher at lunch time. "I keep getting these ones wrong miss. How do I get them right" she took 10 minutes to explain the spelling convention to me, by the end of my 1 hour class I was writing them consistently correct.

#toxic parents #vent post #toxic mom #raised by narcissists #narcissistic abuse #parental abuse #childhood trauma #dysfunctional family #complex trauma #dysfunctional household #cptsd vent #cptsd recovery #living with cptsd #actually cptsd

[nothing0fnothing]

Tw: my mom. I don't know how old I was. I just remember I had just gone home with a spelling test and it was full of 3-5 letter words. The system was you would take spellings home on a Monday, and do the test on the following Friday. My mom's expectation of me was I would have the list learned the first day I took it home. She was used to me being an "easy" child, so usually, it didn't take much effort to teach me. So we sat at the dining table till I was getting it right. She would read the word, I would spell it out loud. I dont know what was different about this particular monday, but 2 hours went by fine, after that I was tired and hungry, and where I was getting it right, I was starting to make mistakes. The letters were getting stuck in my head and my mom was losing patience with me. She didn't want me to get up from the table till I had every word perfect 10 times in a row. I'd been sitting at the table from 3.30 when I got home from school, past my 7pm bedtime trying to get it right so I could sleep. Hadn't been allowed to eat yet. My dinner went cold on the table while.By 10pm she was screaming every time I got one wrong and hitting things around the house. She would read, I would attempt, I'd make a mistake, she would slam something, or smash something, or throw something. She smashed a glass into the kitchen sink then read one out loud and I hesitated for a second. She didn't even give me a chance to try, she had my hair in her fist and she pulled me off the barstool type chairs we had in the dining room. I fell on my knees and she dragged me to the cereal cupboard. She shut my hair in the cupboard door and pinned it closed with her knee, and hit me over and over again till her arthritis pain was too much to keep going. I was absolutely devastated. Sobbing and catching my breath in my throat. Loudly wailing till she'd stopped. I felt like I was choking to breathe, She didn't even wait. She pulled me up by my school jumper, plonked me back down at the dining table and kept reading. My dad worked evenings at a restaurant. He was on a late close that night, meaning he usually came home around 2am. When he came home, I was still there. Crying, inconsolable at the dining table, my mom, wine drunk sluring my spellings at me. I went to school the next day exhausted. Found my teacher at lunch time. "I keep getting these ones wrong miss. How do I get them right" she took 10 minutes to explain the spelling convention to me, by the end of my 1 hour class I was writing them consistently correct.

#toxic parents #vent post #toxic mom #raised by narcissists #narcissistic abuse #parental abuse