#thing have never been good for me and this work I’m doing for myself is going to pay off one day

[zahri-melitor]

“It was only six feet,” muttered Dick.

“What did you just say?”

Dick sighed and rubbed his face. “I know you woke up in a grave and it was very traumatic for you, but you’re acting like this is the only time it had ever happened to anyone. You just had to dig straight up. Do you hear me complaining about it?”

"I'm sorry, did my ongoing trauma from being beaten to death and then waking up in a confined box make you feel uncomfortable, Dick?"

"You just keep going on about it like you're the only person who has ever experienced this. It sucks. No question. But getting out for you was basically on easy mode."

"It tore my fingernails off. I almost SUFFOCATED."

"That is part of being in a coffin, yes Jason."

“What are you talking about?” Tim walked into the room, towelling his hair dry from his shower.

“Being buried alive.”

“Digging myself out of my own grave.” Jason and Dick answered simultaneously.

“Well which is it?”

Jason glared at Dick. “Digging myself out. Dick here thinks that I’m blowing things out of proportion by being slightly upset about that building partly collapsing on me tonight.”

“Well, that is a conversation I can’t contribute to, so I’ll leave you both to it and go to bed.” Tim dropped the towel in a laundry basket and started to walk away.

“Tim,” Dick reached out to catch his arm. "What do you mean, which one?"

Tim shrugged a shoulder. "Well the only insights I have about being buried alive are 'sit tight and wait for rescue and slow your heartrate so you're not using so much oxygen' so I don't really think I need to be here. Good night."

"When have you ever needed that? And if you did, you didn't try to dig yourself out?" Jason said skeptically. "That's your view? Stay in one spot and wait for help? Because trying that in Ethopia worked so well for me."

"I was under a concrete slab. There wasn't much that I could do."

Dick tugged Tim around to face him more fully. "And when was this exactly? I don't remember that case report."

"It was during AzBats; that's why you haven't read it. And I was fine. Steph eventually got me out."

They stared at each other. Dick looked away first. "I wish you'd had more support back then."

Tim smiled, one side of his face quirking up. "You had your own problems."

"Wait a minute. Back up. When was this?" Jason interrupted.

Dick looked back at Tim. Tim rolled his eyes up slightly. "When Tim here was a little baby Robin. Thirteen or so."

"Excuse you, I had had my fourteenth birthday by then. I had my licence."

"Oh I'm sorry, when he was fourteen years old. And far more grown up."

"That's right."

"You were buried alive under concrete?" Jason sounded incredulous.

"It happened. Why, did you think you were the only one? Dick once tunneled out of a grave sideways and almost fell off a cliff into the sea."

"I didn't think you knew about that time," Dick said, his voice soft.

Tim grinned. "You left some notes in your own computer system about it."

"Stalker."

"You like me that way."

"You've both also been buried alive?" Jason threw his hands in the air.

"Mmhmmm." Tim yawned and stretched, walking towards the stairs.

"As I was saying, it can get a bit tiring listening to you go on about it," Dick added, following him.

"I DIED!"

"Yes and you never ever let any of us forget it." Dick slung an arm over Tim's shoulder, then turned his head back to look at Jason. "Want some hot chocolate before bed?"

#Robin 3-5 and Nightwing 127-128 exist folks #snippets #my fic

[shima-draws]

I finished watching RTTE and I am. Emotional

#GAHFHHH…I don’t know what to do with myself rn. #I’ll probably rewatch some of my fave episodes bc I don’t think I’m ready to be done with it yet 🤧 #I WILL say tho the ending was uhhh #Pretty rushed. Lol #They had maybe 2-3 minutes to wrap it up #When instead they probably could have used an entire episode #Dedicated to various things. #i.e. The Dragon Riders coming to terms with saying goodbye to the Edge. #Mala and Dagur’s wedding. #Stoick regaining consciousness and his reunion with Hiccup. #VALKA’S CAMEO?? HELLO??? #Yeah they could have easily stretched out all of that into one epilogue episode for sure #Also I’m. I’m kinda bummed they dropped Fishlegs/Heather bc they were SO cute #AND SNOTLOUT/MINDEN #He literally shouted ‘THAT’S MY GIRL!!’ when she showed up in the final fight 😭 #But yeah I’ve never really been a fan of Fishlegs/Ruffnut? Not that I don’t understand the appeal but like #It’s just hard for me to imagine Ruffnut in a relationship with anybody. Except maybe Throk bc they made it WORK #Seeing her and Fishlegs all cuddly and cute in Homecoming feels SO OOC to me #But I digress. #Fishlegs/Heather had good chemistry 🥺 #Astrid/Heather even MORE so. GOD I love those girlfriends #Shima speaks #HTTYD #How To Train Your Dragon #Anyway ghfhh. Now that I’m done with the series maybe my brain can hyperfixate on smth new #That’ll actually give me motivation to draw again. Sighs

[bo0zey]

when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro

#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes #i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses #i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything #it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever #i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless #everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad #i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards #but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like #ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything #it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but #she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible #we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway #it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without #sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks #i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18 #and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society #i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am #20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already #why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong #i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing #i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there #i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic #i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse #nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there #i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am #i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not #it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying #i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit #ramblings

[nobody-expects-the-inquisitorius]

.

#that didn’t help. it made things worse. #high school failed me. my mother failed me. i failed myself and i’m still fucking failing myself #and i don’t have the willpower to do anything about it #i can’t focus i never have been able to i got through gcse on intelligence alonr i didtn have to work for it #and lockdown ruined me #i keep questioning whether my mothers right and i did choose the wrong degree #“you need to be on top of your game!” What if i dont want to. what if i just want to be me for once in my fucking life. #and i cant tell anyone #because nobody understands #could i have told him before he died? #maybe. maybe out of all of them he was the only one i could trust #because he never lied to me #he told me straight that he failed his a levels and STILL got into a good job because he knew how to work ppl #i dont know how to work people. i don’t know how to work myself #i trust people. i tell them whats worrying me and they use that against me #they make it my fault #maybe theyre right. maybe it is #so i lock myself away with my writing and ignore the issues until they get bigger and bigger and they crush me #idk how i’m going to face going back to uni #Zjust this constant stream of regrets #i just want someone to tell me i dont have to be perfect #and mean it #i dont have to be what they want me to be #ive always been isolated. it’s coming up to a decade since i started high school #And its just fotten worse

[crossbackpoke-check]

a doc of omega yamo being a nuisance, you say?

well…

#the doc sure does exist 🤷 #me waiting to post this until i had compiled all the tags into the doc so it wasn’t just the empty doc i started with good intentions #that just said ‘yowling’ #and then me not even doing that 😭 what’s in the doc right now? absolutely unhinged shit from ANOTHER yamo post. why #liv in the replies #anon i love you so much. this is the correct method to get me to do things (be interested) (bully me a little) (i have to write FOR someone) #maybe if i actually write something for omega yamo being a nuisance i will post snippets #and not have to create elaborate rules about posting them. also i keep telling myself it helps to be like. home & functioning to write #& maybe if i chilled the fuck out a little bit i would have the time to do fun things i like but i feel like i have been saying #‘ok once i get through this [semester/summer/working/class/season]’ for like. three years now but also i don’t feel like i have stopped ever #in my life so that may also be part of the issue. anyway! in the mindset now that i have to make time for things that bring me joy/creative #because otherwise there will never be time #but also telling myself that like. i work seven days a week 8.5-9 hours a day plus commute/classwork so it’s ok to only be able to come home #& do Adult Tasks & write my coursework requirements & ALSO i’m doing my fucking applications which i really really need to do & should take #priority & i am going to need to work very hard to do because. i don’t want to do them :) #so!!!! this is your daily tag dump on a post which it is not relevant to (on brand for me) #but also the point was to say thank you i love you please have 0 expectations because i don’t want to disappoint you #but i love your encouragement and am not taking it to be any pressure!! i just have to preface bc i am like this

[mrburnsnuclearpussy]

🌟✨🕯 Downtown abbey season 6 isn’t real it can’t hurt me ✨🕯🌟

#Downton abbey #i just want to be normal about this why can’t I be normal!!! #like god #I’ve calmed down now but why did they mangle Carson’s charcater so much #and Thomas’s story was just… :/ #Julian fellowes please let’s have a chat and a fight cmon #:( #i just want to enjoy my fixations without them making me sick #but this has got me so upset from as soon as I fell into it and like #it’s not my fav obsession so far it’s been awful #more bad than good #but I can’t help it I literally never can #i just want to be over it!!!! but this could go on for years knowing from experience #like I know I’m being irrational and upset over nothing but also I’m not and like this is everything #why do these things take up my entire being and identity why can’t I just enjoy them and be normal about it #i hate this actually I’m sick of it #i keep trying to force myself to fall back into other fixations to take me out of it but It just doesn’t work #like if I could share it with ppl in a positive way maybe it’d be fine #but all there is is the fandom which all seem to HATE my fav character and it just makes it 100x worse #it’s literally more trouble than it’s worth why can’t I stop #and I can’t like just talk to ppl around me about this for obvious reasons but it sounds literally insane and so embarrassing which it is #so I just sit here and do my little job every day and keep it to myself #but like I hate it #i want to be normal because then you can share who you are fully and be loved for that

[sansebastinae]

#I don’t usually like to personal life post but these last 3 weeks or so have Not Been Great for me #and while the feeling is not ‘wanting to off myself’ I severely feel like walking into a closet and never getting out until a nuke strikes #i cannot in good faith say congrats to my friend because they keep complaining to me about a job and they get it first before me #when I’ve busted ass trying to find and getting rejections all the time #I want to say ‘I feel angry at you’ or ‘awesome for you’ or literally any feeling but all I feel is indifference #I just want to become atomic dust at this point. not even craving death just sudden disappearance #I’m going to go eat an egg sandwich #but yes welcome to my life. I don’t ask for a lot I just want to work the thing I like #I don’t feel a lot. but using a chainsaw to saw a cabinet in half might give me more feeling than the stone-done heart I do have now #no relation to cars here. sorry for you opening the tags #idle thoughts

[seilon]

I have 15 years of piano experience, several years experience playing keyboard in an ensemble / comping, vocal training/experience, and have picked up guitar recently (about 5 months ago ish). i have the credentials now how the fuck do i join a band

#kibumblabs #i imagine you need friends and that’s probably my issue #i just have. no friends #I’m still beating myself up a bit for ghosting a friend of mine who admittedly I couldn’t do much with right now anyway cause I live 400 #miles away– but partly because he would have been my best possible shot at starting a band as he’s a very experienced and talented guitarist #and bassist and so on (the kinda guy who knows some amount of like every instrument) to the point where we’d talk about music theory #sometimes just. because. and I know is taste is good too #and I can not believe I never had the balls to be like hey. like. you wanna play together at some point #god I am mentally banging my head against a wall #anyway so now I’m here and I have no friends and no connections and my school doesn’t even have music classes/clubs/etc at all #so. fuck me dude #sigh #maybe I should focus on retraining my voice first anyway cause it’s been thoroughly fucked up by testosterone and I’ve been set back. a lot. #i really need to work on that either with a teacher or with online resources or something cause it’s been eating me alive lately it bothers #me so much. and when I see myself playing with a band i really wanted to be a singer specifically despite my piano experience (tho I know of #course I can do both) and now I definitely don’t feel confident enough in my voice to be a lead so. I’d have to. work on that a lot first #hehdhsgshhddhdhdj torture #one thing that gives me some hope is that I am in probably the best location to find Something music-wise. i mean I’m right next to #fucking LA so I mean. yeah. had an Uber driver the other day talk about how he moved all the way from Poland to SoCal to try and find work #doing music cause it was his passion and all that and at some point he asked me if I did anything live and of course I said no (I’d already #mentioned the instruments I play and whatnot) and when I said it was cause I didn’t know anyone he was like aahhh that’s no excuse! you can #find something! you live in Orange County! you just gotta keep looking and go to more places people like that get together #and I haven’t stopped thinking about that #thank you polish red hot chili peppers enthusiast u are an inspiration

[boomerang109]

one week one week one week

#do Not reblog #tw covid #tw negativity #boom’s bad days #god I just #i feel so helpless in this house #i want to try to do SOMETHING for my dads health before i leave because he’s doing soo badly but like i can barely keep myself afloat #but god he still has a cough from the covid I gave him six months ago and I just. i feel so fucking bad. he never would’ve gotten sick if I #hadnt been commuting to work. and it wasn’t just one short recover period. he’s still coughing #hes also acting like this one singular thing in six months (which should be really good) is gonna solve EVERYTHING #and it’s like. no. it’s gonna be good. maybe even great. but life is a body. mind. situation. experience. so just one singular thing cant #fix everything. and I’m tired of trying to be the adult and say things like that. but someone has to #he’s also an adult. he’s just having a really hard time and that forces me to be an adult. and I just wanna be a kid. I’m not even 21 yet #Im so tired

[laomelettedufromage]

Oh boy guess who has to make decisions about their short term future soon😳

#my boss offered extending my position to as long as next spring #100% will have to talk to her about what I would be doing if I stayed before I decide but oh boy #oh boy oh boy #I’ll probably say yes tbh?? probably?? #like I do consider myself more of an ecology person and this lab is more evolution based #but I seem to get along with the people in the lab and they pay me really well for a tech position #I’m going to assume I’d probably be doing a bit of lab work which for resume purposes could be really good #i have like zero practical lab experience #even though I think I’d miss field work a lot #and since I’ve never done lab work before I’m not sure how much I’ll like it but won’t know until I try?? #this traveling portion of the job has been hard but not terrible #and most of the hardness has stemmed A LOT from missing friends #which if I stay I probably won’t be back in my home state for… awhile #which I was legitmately really really looking forward to visiting one of my friends at their temp job #and so I’ll be pretty sad tbh to not get to do that #but also I know that’s not something that should affect my job security making decision🤪 #but I’ll definitely be sad nonetheless so🤪 #and I was making plans to like visit my roommates at their new places and everything but🤷‍♀️ it is what it is #god early adulthood sucks sometimes doesn’t it #there’s also the whole ‘I don’t know if I want to stay in research or wildlife work’ thing too #like I love field work… in increments #i think full time field work is really fucking hard and exhausting #but I do legitmately enjoy it and the experiences it’s granted me #even if it’s also super repetitive and boring at times #and I’ve been told I’m scientifically minded by my friends #but I don’t see myself long time pursuing research… #and of course there’s other wildlife jobs out there that don’t completely focus on research but… it’s hard #my tentative back up plan is scientific illustration but I’m not even really sure about that😔 #ugh anyways I don’t need to be thinking that far ahead yet I have time🙃 it just… ugh #by yours truly the omelette of cheese

[thesunbrokeyourskull]

-

#I would kill my ex ‘p’ to become rich. #I would kill my ex ‘m’ to obtain even more beauty and attract even more people. #I would beat up my ex ‘b’ to the point of him almost dying to have a nice house and the best of the best of things. #I would beat up my bf ‘d’ to be more mentally stable so that I am balanced and at peace with myself and my life. #I would kill my ex ‘k’ to become a well known scholar who has many degrees in maths science and philosophy and to preform surgery&research #I would step on anybody to get to where I want to be in life if it meant making myself happy. #I just manipulated my bf into feeling bad for me because I genuinely just want to feel good and secure even if that’s at his expense. #he’s right.. I don’t care about anyone more than myself and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. why should I put someone above myself? #I’ll tell you what.. until someone can show me that being a good honest generous person can get me anywhere I’ll keep doing what works :) #grey god #puppets #and I genuinely just don’t like or care for others. there’s always something I want in return when it comes to relationships with others. #I find humans disgusting and faulty and I don’t care if I add to their pain because it’s usually to benefit me and if it doesn’t it’s to- #-get back at others for hurting me. or I’m bored. I probably have the most sick and twisted mind of anyone I know. I think people know that #-tho but they still keep me around and help me out whenever I need it. it’s all a show for me and for them. people are so stupid and they #-genuinely think doing the right think helps them. it doesn’t. it’s kind of sad. I just know that once ‘d’ realizes I’ve taken him for - #-everything he’s got it’ll be too late and he’ll have to deal with how much better I am than him and how much I’ve grown leeching off of- #-his emotional labor. I just jump from one person to another taking what I want and what I can. I don’t think I’ve genuinely loved anyone. #I’ve always been this way. I almost love people but then I just truly don’t. it’s more fun to see how far I can break them before #-they can’t do it anymore. I hope that everyone I’ve ever hurt continues to hurt forever and that they never grown or evolve. #’d’ told me tonight that I ruined his life. ‘b’ told me I ruined him. ‘m’ is a coward and he said he’ll never love again. #’k’ is a used up simple minded loser. ‘p’ is a stunted delusion addict with me issues for the rest of his life. notice I said me issues and #not daddy or mommy issues lol. I have tricked them all. they are all pathetic and whimpy fucks. #the day I grinded against ‘d’s sluty ass again after I ‘raped him’ he told me to go slow but it made me think.. what if I just raped him? #I could just do it and he won’t do shit about it. he’ll forgive me like always. he’s an insecure loser. I wanted to just take my dick- #and shove it down his throat and then ruin his hole with it #but I didn’t. I respected what he said but the fact that I thought about it isn’t good.

[heartbreakfeelsogood]

#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad #i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over #and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away #i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine #but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing #right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it #i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever #i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol #every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone #when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad #i never feel like too much good. only bad. #i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like #it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to #i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time #i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good #i don’t know why anyone keeps me around #sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person #the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :) #i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable #i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all #i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself #like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time #i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day #and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess #it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk #anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better #sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine

[madigoround]

Sorry I stay complaining

#i kept having panic attacks today over the idea of going back to work and my grandma was like we’re going to listen to the recording of your #meeting (because of course I recorded it I protect myself) and go over how you’re going to address her hostile behavior and see if anything #improves or if you have to leave for your mental and physical health #because I’ve been having trouble eating and I don’t want to do anything but sleep because I forget about it all when I’m asleep #and i had a feeling so I checked my work email and I have the most covering her own ass email from my supervisor about our meeting on #Tuesday clearly from being told I called hr because my boss is friends with the hr director #and i listened to the video and it’s kind of worse than I remembered it to be #telling me that the level of my work needs to improve and that she and our boss have been having conversations about work not getting done #even though the only work that was not getting done was when I was out for a family emergency #and that i had a good annual evaluation like three months ago #it makes me want to go to sleep and never wake up thinking about going back to that job and I don’t know if I can even stand to do a two #weeks notice type thing or even for that matter if they won’t try to fire me first #like in the course of my work for this job I have had to see and do thorough breakdowns of people getting murdered people getting raped had #to interview different gang members personally walk through blood splatter and heroin needles and take pictures of it all #so much shit and I can’t even get treated with respect #it makes me feel like none of this is worth living #there’s too much going on at once and I’m getting pummeled by life