#usually because i'm dissociating so it leans more into the fact i don't have the energy to soften my words or to hold conversations for | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

misspickman · 1 year

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for the microficlet prompts... 3? ❤️

Cassie's hand is cold and clammy when she squeezes Tim's forearm and drags him out of the mildly dissociative stupor he'd fallen into. She shakes him. “You good?”

“Sure.”

“Sure?”

She doesn't let go until Tim nods and shows that he does have the capacity to be a person, as low as that bar lies.

“You sure you don't have a concussion?”

Tim opens his mouth to deny it, again, but Cassie doesn't let him. She looks like she's at the end of her rope, her shoulders set stiff and straight but eyes tired and unfocused. “I'm not. None of that debris hit?”

“Kon took most of it.” And made an ill-timed joke of it as soon as they got out of immediate danger. Tim is still sort of seething about it.

Their line of work doesn't allow for squeamishness around blood and violence, nor for panic in the middle of the battlefield, and generally, Tim would like to think he's over all of that. He could take anything on head first, he thinks, and then the dumbest of mistakes get to him. His breathing is finally evening out and he feels like an amateur. Like it's his starting week on the job and he just watched someone get shot up close for the first time.

There's a set of uneven, tiny cuts scattered across Kon's cheeks, the sort that could be mistaken for cat scratches if Tim let himself be tricked by the dim lighting of the shuttle and Kon's devil-may-care attitude. And it's been a long enough day, he almost wants to let himself be tricked.

He doesn't remember the trip back, aside from the warmth of Cassie sitting pressed to his side and occasional bits of the conversation Kon and Gar are having that continues when they reach the Tower.

There's no trace of worry or leftover stress from the mission in Kon's voice. It doesn't even sound like a front, like when he's trying his best to bring up the atmosphere of the room. “It rides on nostalgia way too much, y'know? I haven't seen the first ten movies, to be fair.”

“Twelve,” Gar holds his hand, two fingers up. “Wait, why would you—”

“I thought it'd be watchable without them, okay, and it was. Mostly. Bad, still.”

He genuinely seems to be fine. Tim can't let himself trust it.

Cassie sighs when they reach the top of the stairway and Tim feels himself deflate with it. She looks like she could bowl over right here and pass out, and he's feeling that, too.

There's a matching set of cuts all over Tim's forearms, but that's different. That's just another layer of scars that fits right on there with the map of them he's amassed over the years, whereas on Kon's perfectly sun-kissed skin, blood makes for a stark contrast, like when you spill red wine all over freshly washed sheets.

So no, blood doesn't make Tim queasy, but Kon is an outlier to the rule, as he often is. The practical bit of him wonders if it's only because he doesn't get a chance to see Kon bleed often and hasn't been desensitized to it yet—he doesn't entertain that train of thought much further.

Tim corners him in one of the Tower bathrooms just as he's getting the top of his suit off to hit the shower. It's torn in places too, but Kon's back looks unscathed, somehow, and it's a testament to how out of it he is that Tim doesn't take a moment to appreciate how his muscles flex as he pulls the torn fabric over his head.

He takes a moment to stare at Kon's unsuitably relaxed figure; lax, shoulders slumped with exhaustion but nothing else. He's humming the chorus to Like a Prayer, tapping away to the rhythm against the metal studs on his belt. Occupied and careless, so Tim easily gets in his space.

It's a bit of a test for Tim's own peace of mind. He kicks him right in the back of his knee and knocks him back so he's leaning against the edge of the sink. It's a push more than anything—kryptonite or not, Tim couldn't hurt Kon so easily. But he goes down, which is more than should happen.

Kon slumps down with a yelp. The fact that he clearly hadn't heard him come in is something that would usually bring Tim some sort of pride, but now it just adds to his already simmering anxiety.

“Christ,” Kon hisses as his ass hits the sink. He shuffles backwards though, already resigned to his fate, staring at where Tim is pulling his grimy gloves off. “That's creepy as fuck. Don't do that.”

Tim procures one of the emergency gauze pads from his belt. Kon is rolling his eyes to it, sighing, which Tim ignores in favor of reaching around him to let tap water dampen the gauze. He gestures at Kon to lean back, to allow more of the light on his face, and he does as he's told for once.

“You think I could get tetanus from this?” he jokes. For a person who doesn't bleed on the regular, Kon doesn't seem perturbed by this at all. At first it looked almost as if he was emboldened by it; Tim decided to write that off as a side effect of the adrenaline high.

He's doing his best not to let his building frustration show. No, no one's getting fucking tetanus. No, there is nothing to raise hell over, but he's still going to do it, and Kon is going to let him.

He drags the gauze over a cut that looks the deepest and looks for a reaction. Kon doesn't flinch, but his left eye twitches. “I think I could make this way worse for you if I chose to.”

Kon scoffs. “You're actively washing my face like I'm on my deathbed. Your threats are empty.” He nudges Tim's side with his hand, knuckles brushing against what must be a blooming bruise. Tim holds still. “Don't grit your teeth that hard, you'll break them.”

Tim would never actually hurt him—he wouldn't. He's considering it. He brushes away a smudge of dried blood from the slope of his nose and doesn't think of ten other possible outcomes of today's mission, each of them worse than the last.

What he's looking at as he pads the gauze on the side of Kon's jaw doesn't match up with what his brain is processing, which admittedly isn't a lot. The autopilot had kicked in somewhere around the time they stumbled out of the collapsed building and he saw the red all over Kon's face. Now, Tim is not one to overreact, usually, he thinks, so maybe this time he should be forgiven.

He knows he is, as Kon lets him work in relative silence, sitting with unnerving stillness that Tim bets is taking up all his willpower. For a little while at least. There's only so much Kon can take before getting annoyed with Tim's needles hovering. It's when he starts chewing on the inside of his cheek that Tim knows he's going stir-crazy.

Tim drags the towel over one of more pronounced cuts just firmly enough that it would be felt if he was touching a regular human. Kon says, with a flat look, “Ouch.”

Tim ignores him. At least, he successfully pretends to ignore him; he's dreadfully aware of every move, every breath Kon takes that's just a bit too shallow, every move that could be a flinch if he talked himself into it. He's not delusional enough to believe he could seriously hurt Kon, even in this kryptonite-weakened state, but the knee-jerk reaction is still there.

“Tell me about the shitty movie,” he asks. He wants it to be a demand, but it comes out more of a plea.

Kon rolls his eyes. “I wouldn't call it shitty. Just like, disappointing. You know how sometimes you sit through an hour and something of a movie and watch the credits roll like, yeah, that was a movie, for sure.”

Tim nods, keeping his eyes on Kon's face as he reaches behind him to rinse the towel. He really, really doesn't care about the movie—what he does care about is hearing Kon talk. Doesn't care for the way it centers him and lets him zero in on his job in peace. It's stupid. Effective, though.

Thankfully Kon tends to have a lot to say, and he walks Tim through the entire plot and unnecessary details of the movie, even his thoughts on its casting choices which Tim didn't expect him to have. That one's on him. Kon has thoughts on everything.

“I went there expecting more Mike Myers action but he shows up for like, what, twenty minutes? And barely does any murdering. What's the point of that?”

Now, Tim knows from experience of both from being the one bleeding and watching other people bleed, that facial wounds make a mess. The amount of blood is often not proportionate to the severity of the wound, but all the logic and knowledge flies out of the window when—

He should let it go. Nothing he can do here is useful for either of them. He should step away, take some deep breaths and count to ten. (The counting's never done much for him, but the breathing exercises are annoyingly effective. Doing them does still make him feel like a hysterical brat.)

The gauze still comes away bloody. Rinse and repeat and so on. He takes some breaths. Ignores the blood all over his hands.

With the mix of kryptonite exposure and heavy pieces of debris that fell all over them, it could have been much worse. They got away with nothing more but scrapes and bruises and he should be glad for it, but instead he's stuck in this fugue state, wiping away the blood from a thin cut right at the edge of Kon's eye and watching it seep through the split skin again and again. Like it's laughing at him.

In a situation not too different from this, Stephanie accused him of getting a bit obsessive when people get hurt; Tim had shushed her and gotten a kick in the shin for his efforts. It's nothing he's unaware of. It's nothing he wants to discuss, either. It's one of those things the bats have learned how to ignore, got it down to a sport.

There isn't a normal, level-headed way to say it, but seeing Kon's red, scratched up face activated the hustle part of his brain and he just had to do something about it himself. If Kon had just gone and let the water wash it all away—that can't do. Tim has to deal with this. He's not going to pretend the thought process makes sense, but he's going to go through with it.

“He did do some creepy standing around,” Kon rambles on. “Reminds me of you in that way.”

“Thanks.”

Kon is no longer looking at him, his gaze falls somewhere over Tim's shoulder, and he just barely manages to stomp out the paranoia that screams at him to turn around and see what's behind him. A wall, a shower stall, maybe a bug. There is no danger to be on the lookout for and he wishes his brain would register that. The hand he's holding up to Kon's face is trembling slightly; there could be about ten reasons for it and they're both ignoring it, which he appreciates.

The dull sound of fingers Kon is drumming against the edge of the sink is something of a comfort. Always in motion, never still. It's a firm reminder that he's overreacting and really, no one else would entertain him with this for as long.

(Cassie's never let him patch her up. Well, one time. But only because she got a nasty hit in the head, a concussion and nearly passed out in Tim's lap. He counts it less as her letting him and more like her having been subjected to it. She pretends she doesn't remember any of it.)

Kon's hand closes around Tim's wrist when he goes to press the towel against his cheek for the umpteenth time.

“I'm not going to bleed out from a couple scratches,” he says, but there's little to no actual annoyance in his voice. He might as well just be soaking in all the attention. “Give me some credit here, would you?”

This is where Tim should make a biting joke about how oh, if he's so capable how come he hasn't saved his ass from dying? And Kon would call him a jerk and the tense energy would deflate and let them go back to the present as it is. Except Tim is too tired to talk, exhausted to the bone like he only gets after a difficult mission, and he's not too proud in this moment to deny how stressed he is, too. Emotionally. Worrying is draining. He almost wishes he could become more numb to it.

Kon's fingers still wrapped around his wrist, Tim glares straight at him until Kon sighs and lets him continue his admittedly needles 'fussing', as he calls it while grumbling under his breath. Kon is tired too, and Tim's pretty sure that adds to why he's been allowed to do this in relative peace. He's sitting slumped in on himself like his arms are too heavy—when Tim had pushed him to sit, he just went down. He knows that if he pointed out, Kon would insist that he just let Tim push him around but Tim knows that'd be a lie. He can feel the difference.

“Why do you not care?” he asks. It comes out increasingly whiny.

Kon blinks at him and shakes his head. “About what?”

“Yourself!” He gestures at him with his hands and the gauze leaves watered down blood on the sink as it gets slapped against it. Tim drops it. “Getting hurt. Almost dying. Does it not bother you?”

“It's just a few scratches,” Kon says quietly.

It's unbelievable, except it's totally believable and Tim gets it. That doesn't make it any less frustrating. He wants to bite into a lemon or maybe punch a wall until it or his fist gives out but he settles for staring at Kon with what must be a ridiculous expression.

Kon has always been reckless—it's been the source of tension between them from the start, but back then the lack of care had worried Tim for the team's sake, not just for Kon's own safety. Once that recklessness started crossing into a more personal, dangerous territory Tim doesn't care to name though, that's when he started panicking.

He's brought out of his personal little spiral when Kon grabs his wrist.

“It'll be gone in an hour.” He nudges him. “Hey. Come on.”

And sure, but it'll be gone all on its own and Tim can't do shit about it, and it'll happen again. It's not fair how little he can do. There's no way for him to shake Kon for as long as it takes for him to start giving a shit about himself.

He shakes his head at nothing in particular. “Let go of me.”

“No. Actually, how about—” Tim tries to get himself free to no avail. Kon holds up his hand, the one he's not gripping Tim's with. “Hear me out man, don't be like this.”

“You need to shut up and let me work,” Tim snaps at him, and he'll feel shitty about it later, sure, but for now it all checks out and he's right to do it. Kon barely blinks.

“I need a shower,” he says, an edge to his voice that tells Tim his patience is slipping, “and the first ten Halloween movies.”

“Twelve.”

“Whatever.”

Tim sighs. It's not quite a defeat, though it still feels like one. Kon must sense his resignation; his thumb caresses Tim's inner wrist and he is caught between feeling patronized and thoroughly soothed. “You don't have to watch all of them. They don't fit in the same continuity anyway.”

“You can tell me all about the intricacies of the Halloween franchise, my guy, just wait—” Kon uses his grip on Tim's hand to gently push him away, and Tim notes that some of his strength has come back. He pushes back and Kon's hand doesn't budge. He's slowly led backwards until his back hits the door. “After I've had a shower. And somewhere away from this bathroom, preferably.”

Kon presses his bloody fingers against his lips and blows him a mocking kiss. “Thank you, much love.”

And then the door is shut in Tim's face.

---

By the time the movie credits are rolling there's nothing but smudges of freckles across Kon's clear, perfect face. Tim could trace the spots where the cuts were just an hour ago from his memory. He spent the last five minutes of the movie playing connect that dots with them.

“Quit,” Kon swats at him weakly, “staring at my face. Freak.”

It's a good face. Kon doesn't need Tim telling him that; he does anyway, brain to mouth filter be damned.

It's worth it for the little chuckle it gets out of him. “You're just saying that because you're sleepy.”

“Maybe.”

The stage of pent-up adrenaline bleeding out of him has passed and once he's done being stressed is when the exhaustion kicks in, which is how Kon gets him to put on the second movie as soon as the first one ends and they get sick of staring at the credits. Kon is yawning himself, eyelids dropping a bit, and Tim has a suspicion that the movies are just a front to lull him in a false sense of security, because there's no way either of them is paying attention to anything happening at this point.

“Do you think,” Kon speaks up suddenly, all serious, “that they got criticism on how horny the first one was so that's why the characters in the second one don't sound like they enjoy being murdered as much?”

Never mind.

“Ok. I'm done.” He rolls over so his face is squished against the couch and the screen less tempting. At least Kon is himself. Even if that means being annoying about overrated movies—he'll take that over bleeding and suffocating silence any day. “But yes, probably.”

#8 months later ive remembered this exists and finished it. so sorry. shockingly it is a timkon one #i cant find the post but the prompt was the words small / cuts i cant prove it but i rememeber #thank you for the prompt<3 sorry it took me 8 months to remember this wip existed<3 o7 #my writing #timkon

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cherrys-side-bitch · 2 years

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May I request a matchup with a JJBA character? It can be any part but my fav part is 5! ^^

I'm an INTJ/5w4/True Neutral/Evil Polysexual (specifically romantically and sexually attracted to male and female though I lean more towards males), I'm polyamorous, and trans (FTM) with Neopronouns! (He/Him/Tree)

I'm a 5'0 Mexican-American, I speak Spanish (my native tongue), English (tho despite being an English Honors, I struggle with spelling and pronunciation from time to time), and sign ASL tho not completely fluently. My looks obviously aren't completely where I want them to be. Though, curiously, I naturally have more male hormones than female so I do look fairly masculine, I don't deal with periods, and I allow my facial hair to grow from time to time. I NEVER shave my legs, they're my pride lmao. I do have dyed curly hair, usually I let my friends pick the dye, but my fav color to have it is dark green. My style can be from goth to a pastel goth. To just straight up being dressed in Mickey Mouse merch (I have an obsession with the rat 💀) I do, do makeup though I see it more as an artistic thing. I don't try to make it look good I just have fun with it. Typically, eyeliner is what I mess with.

I have an older sibling and younger ones, I'm basically the middle child and have always taken care of all of them because I'm looked as the most responsible one, while also the most chaotic one. I'd say, personality wise I'm definitely a wildcard. It all depends on who I meet. I struggle with mental health so while I can be extremely energetic, fidgety, impulsive, forgetful, and bubbly bc of my ADHD, I'm also super aggressive because of my anger issues and Homicidal Ideation. And depression doesn't help either. I also have anxiety so, I'm not good at approaching ANYONE to the point I can't make eye contact. The most I can do is flash a glance at people's eyes before looking everywhere but them. But once you get to know me and I rlly like u as a person, you'll never get me to stfu especially if it's bc of a hyperfixation 💀 I also tend to dissociate a lot when I'm left alone/in silence for too long to the point when I snap back to reality, I sometimes don't even remember who I am or where I'm at for a minute. Which causes me to become panicked and anxious. Because of this, I can't go ANYWHERE without my headphones, whatever I may be doing or not doing, I have to be listening to SOMETHING at all times to keep myself grounded. Unless ppl r actively talking to me or letting me talk. I'm also a very curious and a naturally loud person, even when I'm speaking at what I assume is a normal level, I have ppl telling me to be quite 💀

However, I'd also say I'm very knowledgeable, determined, stubborn, a problem solver and a hard worker. I don't give up easily on myself nor others. I love and study Psychology and Sociology. And bc of my ADHD my hobbies are a wide range, from drawing, to reading, to sowing, to collecting specific items. I have a very hard time understanding others from an emotional stand point (in fact I can be very apathetic) but can very much understand them from a logical stand point. So while I'm not always the best at comforting, I'm great at giving advice/solutions. I'm not afraid to speak my mind and I'm also extremely honest/straight forward. However, I'm also very well known for appearing to not take things seriously bc I often joke/make witty comments as a defense mechanism to handle things/make it through tough times. And my biggest characteristic... I'm horny on main💀 However, I know when not to overstep people's boundaries. I myself have horrible experiences with that so I always make sure ppl are comfortable with whatever contact I make with them. I can be extremely affectionate depending on a person's love language! I just always want to make sure others feel cared for and comfortable around me since I know I can be overwhelming to people. Though, I like to care for others I don't very much like when others do the same for me. I'm very much someone that's used to taking care of everything and everyone so I absolutely refuse to ask for help unless it's a completely last resort.

I'm very sorry if this is a lot! This is the second matchup I've ever requested (;ŏ﹏ŏ)

I match you with... Pannacotta Fugo!

I believe he'd likely be an INTJ as well.

He's practically the middle child of the gang so he sort of sympathizes with you. Not to mention he greatly appreciates that the two of you also enjoy similar things to him but also are knowledgeable on many different topics.

The fact that you know when not to overstep people's boundaries is something he loves, finding himself at ease knowing that you won't intentionally overstep his boundaries.

He would love to sit down and have discussions on psychology and sociology, curious about what you know, and wishes to expand his knowledge on the subject if possible.

┉ˏ͛ ༝̩̩̥͙ ⑅͚˚　　 ҉　　⑅͚˚ ͛༝̩̩̥͙ ˎ┉

#jjba matchup #fugo #fugo matchup #pannacotta fugo #matchups

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mcrmadness · 2 years

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Okay so. Generalised anxiety disorder taking it to whole new levels tonight.

I just got back home, and should go to sleep soon, but I just imagined a new horror scenario that's probably scarier than anything ever before. I can't even write it down, that's how scary it feels! Going to the OCD side of my anxiety where magical thinking is a thing. Anyway, let's just say it's one of those "what if?" thoughts and it was about paralysis, and now I'm super anxious and don't wanna go to sleep at all. It's because of something minor that happened today and kinda traumatised me, but of which I can't say more about even if I wanted to. My arms just turned slightly numb randomly and I think it might have been because of the posture of my back, and I've been freaking out every since. Even when my arms and back and anything can become numb just by leaning my arm in a certain way against a sofa's back rest or keeping my hand behind my head. Its just something that always happens, but today it was scarier than usually for some reason.

In general, it's again one of those worse days with my anxiety. I had a bit of anxiety in Berlin too but for other reasons and other intrusive thoughts. But at home it's constantly about my mortality and I get so much anxiety just from the fact I have a body because I can't control my health, which I normally don't even have problems with! But still I again feel so exhausted because I can't know if I'll develop health problems eventually or not. I know anxiety and stress are not helping with that at all.

Idk, I don't know why it has gone to this again. I feel like I'm burnt-out again and I haven't even done anything. I was to Berlin, which was amazing, but the life in my own city feels suffocating. I don't think my anxiety would go anywhere even if I did live in Berlin, but I might still have less time for irrational anxiety and more time for nice things. But maybe it's the occupational therapy, and me applying to a school (and being accepted to there), and sll that that's making me so tired. Like, I'm mentally ill after all, I'm not able to work rn.

I'm also feeling scared because I'm always terrified of my depression coming back. I always start having panic attacks when I go through simular emotions and thoughts I had when depressed, because that time was some of the worst years of my life and I don't want to ever go through that again. The only way out was antidepressants and this time I don't have that, because I don't want to touch pills ever again.

I'm just so tired of being afraid. Often of my own mind. I've been st home for almost 2 weeks now and this is still going on. I just miss Berlin, or want to go just somewhere else that is not my city. At the same time being elsewhere is awesome because new things, but also exhausting because of my dissociation, and because sometimes my anxiety finds me even from another city and it's not fun when the realization of my mortality and vulnerability hits me.

I feel like I really need to talk this through with someone/just anyone. It's getting too heavy for just person right now, and I don't seem to find a way to get it out peacefully.

#mcrmadness venting #tw intrusive thoughts #anxiety #generalised anxiety disorder

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0w0 · 2 years

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Hey so more posting about my intimate mental health on Tumblr, because it is the void I scream into when I'm overwhelmed on deciding which interpersonal connection to dump this on

I've officically lost like 20 lbs in the past two months from just... Pretty much hardly eating. Officially relapsed 🤪 (the emoji is ironic and is an attempt to mask my true ditress)

I've largely come to the conclusion that it is because of depression. I do not eat because I simply feel like I, myself, am not worth maintaining. It's the same reason why hygene and chorws are hard. Everything just feels empty despite my best efforts, eating just is more work to keep doing something that ultimately, my mental illness makes me feel is pointless.

I've attempted suicide, yeah, but passive self harm has always been what lean on when I'm to lethargic to even hurt myself when I get the impulse.

The thing is, I'm scared. I'm super scared. I like that I'm losing weight. I want to be smaller. I want to take up less space and no feel so fucking fat and disgusting. (Being fat is not disgusting, and fat people are not bad. But my perception of self is really fucked up and thats how it comes out when I look at myself when combined with societal beauty standards).

Despite being scared-- I like how an empty stomach feels. Before it turns into pain, I mean. I like the hallow feeling, for the same reason I like sex. It's a physical sensation that puts me back in my body, especially when dissociating, which I do a majority of the time.

I used to purge, after binging. I won't state dates because depsite everything I'm spilling here, there's still some information I don't need out there. But I say that, because I never considered myself bulimic. Its not like it was chronic. There's a reason I gained like, 100 lbs through adulthood-- I stopped doing that shit.

One of my favorite memes online ever had this caption: "I had and eating disorder and all o have to show for it is this gross fetish". Emetophilia? Hello my old friend.

There's a certain part of me that has sexualized some of the pain I'm going through. That's what being hypersexual does, I guess, but it also feels like a way to dull the ache. Instead of calling it self harm, I call it needleplay, skin embroidery, make it an art. Make it palatable that way, for myself and others. I know it doesnt though, it's still worrying. And I'm not actively trying to transmute feelings associated with depression into something better, like sexuality. It just has .. kind of happened in my brain at some point.

I distinctly remember a time when I was in highschool. I was feeling incredibly sick, but I was on my bus ride home. I was nauseous, felt like I was going to puke, I was dizzy-- it aroused me. A few fucked up things were arousing as a teenager, and that's definitely impacted my long-term health and how I inherently respond to certain stimuli or situations: inappropriately.

As far back as I can remember, everything always circled back to sex for me. I don't remember and csa that my have happened, I don't think I was molested as a child. Bust started at 13, I had very unhealthy relationships until adulthood that hinged on sex. Whether I slept with boys or girls, it didn't matter, it was usually the same. I've had maybe 10 sexual partners in my life-- the fact I was in a relationship that was monogamous for 7 of it's 9 years was the only thing that kept that number from being much, much higher. I had many opportunities to sleep around and cheat. The impulsive desire was there, but I never did it. Was that self restraint? It feels charitable calling it that, but sure. I didn't want to hurt or betray my partner. Not in that way.

Suffice to say, everything is a pile of noodles and all my words are crossed.

Its like have synesthesia but instead of seeing sounds, everything is wirex directly to my dick. What a life, folks

Cheers to therapy making me think I guess. I'll follow this up with my therapist or a future psychiatrist.

🤷

#smear campaign

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missvifdor · 3 years

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Alright, I share a quick thought like this, but imagine Bucky having the DID (be careful, I want to make it clear that I'm not an expert and any mistakes on my part are unintentional and I'm sorry for being so stupid The DID is not a joke, it is a real trouble and I would never allow myself to laugh or joke about it).

So I was saying, Bucky having DID:

Thinking back to all the traumatic moments in his life, it would be easy enough to think that he could have had it. Imagine that at one point his brain and mind say "STOP" and no longer able to cope with all these events, decide that in order to survive, he must create a "shield" (I don't know if I am speaking correctly, sorry if that doesn't make sense).

Because if I'm not saying bullshit, that's what the host's DID is for, to protect it and that's where the Alters come in. The basis of the DID is that the host not supposed to know he has it.

But all the time, there will be signs: amnesia, dissociative disorder, depersonalization, derealization,. Imagine, one day, everything is going well, you get ready to go to sleep and then when you wake up, the date, the time have completely changed, you are now dressed and you have no memory of having lived this. that happened after you last remembered.

Now imagine Bucky going through the same thing, he'd be pretty scared I think.

Bucky would have these symptoms, but not just that. For example, he might feel like he has feelings, thoughts, moods, or anything else that is not ... his but belongs to someone else. Or he would hear voices talking to him (Wait, this has nothing to do with schizophrenia, the voices heard cannot be suppressed with medication and to the host this is really heard as a person's voice real voice or an interlocutor. These are real voices).

You know when we think and hear a voice but it is that of our subconscious, and well that is still different.

(I won't procrastinate any longer, but if you are interested, I advise you to inform yourself to find out more. For example, there is a youtube channel that talks about it because the designer has DID, she and other affected people talk about it here: https://youtu.be/ek7JK6pattE ).

Back to our Super Soldier:

Bucky, like anyone with DID will have both good and bad triggers.

The good ones would be: Music from the 40s, his favorite food, something that reminds him of his sister or mother, etc.

The bad ones: Something or someone who could bring back bad memories, maybe the language Russian, the pain linked to his metal arm, the situations where he cannot feel comfortable or very anxious, a dangerous mission that has gone off the rails a bit.

Let's talk about his Alters: The Winter Soldier will have taken a big place in his life and I think he probably never left him because he is part of him.

So I would lean towards the fact that Winter (let's call him that) has become one of his Alters. It would have become this:

Alter Trauma Holder and Persecutor: some of his tasks are to hold traumatic memories ... especially so that other Alters are not not disturbed by these memories and that the system works more or less. And often, well, trauma holders do not voluntarily choose this role, they are there because the brain did it like that and it can seem very unfair!

It is common that in addition to h: And, even when they do, sometimes they just aren't able to pass it on to the rest of the system and, unfortunately, to the outside either. This is one of the reasons why it is very difficult for a system to find and manage trauma or to talk to a therapist, for example. This is one of the reasons why it is very difficult for a system to find and manage trauma or to talk to a therapist, for example.

Trauma holders are also It called “Secret Keepers / Secret Holders”.

Her Part Persecutor: To put it mildly, the "Persecutor" is an alter who is hostile to the system or the outside world . Well, obviously, it’s nowhere near that simple.

In general, persecutors are alters who have internalized hatred or rejection, either towards themselves, towards other members of the system, or towards the outside world. It is a traumatic response that follows physical abuse, toxic relationships and assaults experienced by the system. Like the protectors, the persecutors seek to prevent further attacks, attack in defense or suffer for the rest of the system. But they ... don't always do it the right way.

There are different kinds of persecutors, some tend to reject any outside person, others may have internal words and feelings of worthlessness, still others may sabotage a possible therapy for fear of the medical profession, then of others can re-experience their traumas, injure themselves, etc… They are very often hyperviligant and easily activated.

They are sometimes very withdrawn and influenced by feelings causing for example a strong anxiety or suicidal thoughts. But they can also be authoritarian and seek to impose behavior on the rest of the system, considering that the others are incapable of protecting themselves and are responsible for the abuses suffered. Finally, some persecutors are a representation of aggressors and persecute the system like these. The persecutors are above all persecuted by trauma and in particular they need to be secure. It is very common that, once appeased, they become essential protectors of the system.

Here's another Alter, James: It would be quite similar to the Bucky of the 40s but different at the same time.

He would be an Alter Internal Self Helper: The "Internal Self Helper" is an alter that helps the system internally. It is not uncommon for ISHs to serve as some sort of mediator to the rest of the system, as if they were "the voice of reason."

They often have a good knowledge of Alters and how the system works (but this does not mean that they easily share this information). They are also often discreet, facing little or not at all or only side by side with another alter.

Internal self helpers are often associated with the creation and management of the innerworld, especially when it was conceived unconsciously.

ISH is a frequent supporting role among gatekeepers, protectors and sometimes among trauma holders.

And Bucky would be the host: Host "refers to the alter who fronts most of the time ... when all is well. And this nuance is important!

Indeed, the “Host” is a bit like the basic Alter, the one who is there when there is no need for any other Alter, no triggers, and no Alter is needed wanted to face. In principle, he manages the day-to-day life, so you would think that it is indeed the alter that uses the body most often, yes. But no.

A system is frequently affected by all the little things in life, whether or not it requires the presence of another Alter at the front. And, especially when it is not conscious, it can be common for another alter (social or protective, for example) to be more present than the host. It all depends on the environment of the system and the awareness of its multiplicity as well as the choices and possibilities of each of its members.

For this reason, there are systems without a host (or with a sleeping host) as well as systems with multiple hosts (which are then called co-hosts), which handle different aspects of the day-to-day. good. Of course, the hosts can also have another role, such as caretaker or alter social.e for example. It may also happen that a new host appears and the system changes hosts.

The host is a role that can be difficult to take in at times, as it is often the first alter to become consciously aware (yes, consciously aware) of his multiplicity. And it's already not easy to realize that we "are not alone in your head", but it is also difficult to realize that you have shared your whole life with "these others people in his head ”. It is very common for the host to doubt his legitimacy, to be afraid of lying, etc. They are often influenced by the feelings, thoughts and feelings of other Alters.

On the other hand, the host can usually be an alter who allows for better communication, as he or she serves as a bit of a mediator, conciliatory and benevolent towards the system and the outside world, while being held to it 'deviation from the consequences (emotional for example) of traumas. A stable host is an important basis for functional multiplicity.

Be careful, it must be said: the host is not the original! Many systems don't have an original, and while you might think the host is some kind of original, it isn't. Of course, if there is an original in the system, it can be a host. But, whether host and / or original, all Alters should be considered equally. (Really, for this to work, it's important to understand this)

Otherwise, a person with DID may have other Alters, the number can vary and they are all different!

Now, how would it be if Bucky had a Y / N ? Would other people in the system agree with that? Would Y / N manage and understand this situation? That is the whole question.

But let's imagine that in the best-case scenario, Winter and James are ok with this relationship and even have feelings for Y / N, it will still be a job all the time.

The best would be someone who can differentiate the three and act with the three as if they were three different individuals (Who they are and this is very important because each Alter deserves to be recognized).

Being in a relationship with Bucky is a bit like being with a big teddy bear who could easily shoot you in the head with near-deadly precision. And a gentleman under all circumstances, of course.

Being with Winter is complicated enough, but not impossible. You just have to know how to do it and above all succeed in interpreting his looks, his silences. The man is not the biggest talker but know that he would be ready to kill for you and protect you.

As for James his Fronts are very rare but when he will be there, believe me when I tell you that he will not leave you alone with his affections! He is surely the one who is the most sociable of the three and who will take the greatest pleasure in teasing you or improvising a dance with you in the middle of your living room.

Well I have finished! Do not hesitate to tell me what you think of it in the comments, or if you want a part two to find out more in general or to know more about the romantic relationship side + ... SNFW.

#bucky barnes preferences #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #alters #did you know #system #bucky imagine #bucky headcanon #bucky hcs #Tw

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natsunoomoi · 2 years

Text

Rewatching Scenes from EW

So like I was just pushing through MSQ and there were different moments where I was like, "I should go back and watch that" but then before I logged out for the night I'd forget to go to the Unending Journey to check it out.

One of those moments is the intricate choice divergence where one of your travel companions knocks at your door in the middle of the night.

In my initial run, I chose G'raha cuz he's just a sweetie. He was more confident when he was acting as the Crystal Exarch except for the time when he was previously outside your door in ShB to check on you, but for the most part, much more confident. Then suddenly when he fully returns to being G'raha and comes back with you to the Source, he's so.... 照れてる that it's just adorable.

But also kind of nice to see the other ones. I saw someone else say it looked like Estinien came to sleep with you and now I kind of understand why. He normally never shows up in casual attire. Of course the dialog is all about work and the task at hand mostly to give everyone more of a fair choice as to how they want to view their character's relationships with the others.

Thancred's also back to full Dadcred mode. XD Thinking about Ryne and all that, but also what he says about pushing through is also a foreshadowing for EXACTLY WHAT HE DID when you landed in Ultima Thule. But then when he asks to rely on you stuff and the fact that you're like the only one who can go back to visit the First it's like you're the co-parent for Ryne and Gaia.

Alphinaud's very much like a younger sibling type for me, but even his lines I guess could be bent toward a closer relationship for those who are so inclined, but he's also a very serious kid about his dealings with everyone else and what he feels are his responsibilities.

Alisaie's is much more intimate and close, but my POV is like younger sister, but for people who ship their WoL with her I can see some leanings there. Most of it's about like personal safety and such though which can come from anyone really. I usually feel awkward and disconnected or dissociated when people I consider friends care that much about my well-being though just because in general I don't think people care about me that much or would so I am always shocked when people say they worry about my health and they're not my family or like a bf or something. Not that what they say or what Alisaie says is unreasonable because it's more about not flying headlong into danger without thinking, but it still kind of disconnects for me so I think then it must be realistic because I'm reacting the same as I would to real friends saying as much.

Y'shtola, she basically is using an ability that allows her to see a bit in a similar fashion to Emet-Selch now, but also less good because not actual sight too. But like her talk is like more aww because she's also a friend, but like her concern from the outset is like very Cat Mom with examining your soul because you were cracking at the seems back on the First and your body and soul went through other bullshit thanks to Fandaniel and Zenos.

I love this like branch of scenes though so much and I wish we had it in Shadowbringers too because I would have loved to have a random talk with Emet-Selch in the middle of the night where we had the opportunity to try to actually talk to him a bit and ask him questions. Maybe we wouldn't have learned much new or we would have learned a few of the things that we learned about in Elpis, but I would have loved that. I'm guessing they didn't think about that because it's complicated to implement and they weren't sure of the fan reception until after Crystal Exarch came and they actually didn't think Emet-Selch would be like one of their most popular villains ever and even beat Sephiroth in a popularity poll. Even so, I'm happy we got this this time and I hope we get more.

And on top of that, we have 10 more years of content and I want them to keep going with it and I will keep riding this train because it's so good. But when this installment finally ends, I hope that in the last quest of MSQ ever they make a jumbo one with all of the fan favorites and we can choose which one of these characters we ride off into the sunset with. When that happens, I want to be able to choose Emet-Selch and call him from out of the aetheral sea to come pick us up. Or even him and Hythlodaeus and we can go be a trio in the afterlife and return to the star together like Hythlodaeus wanted. The one with Emet-Selch I would personally choose, but if you like choose G'raha you get to go on all those journeys and adventures he talks about and you've got a shot walking off together with joy and excitement on your faces. Or if it's like Aymeric that you like, you get to go have another dinner at his house or something, or like Y'shtola we get to go to like a library or some site with her and study ancient magic or something. I don't know, something that more definitively says that we choose them and we get to end the game like that. I don't know if there should be controls where we can choose if it's more friendly or more romantic, but I really want the last thing we do is be able to ship our character with whoever the hell we want and just end it like we're doing that and we're going to be with them. It can even be like the smallest characters that we barely even visit again like Magnai recognizing you as his Nhaama and you accepting and ruling beside him. It'd be just a really silly and fun way to end everything. I hope we don't get there soon, but I think it'd be worth it if they put all the fan faves in there as options and that's how we end our story with our favorites.

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