#veero vents

[ishouldsleepbut]

i don't think i'm a very good person

#veero vents #might delete later #vent ig #tw sui ideation #for the tags below #i hate this #i hate that i'm making this in the first place #my chest just really hurts #and i really don't want to be alive right now #i just want to sleep and not wake up #god i'm sorry

[ishouldsleepbut]

sorry we haven't done anything in a while. i just know it's all going to end soon and i don't want to think about it.

#veero vents #vent ig #might delete later #i've got five weeks with him and then he's gone #shit #shit shit shit

[ishouldsleepbut]

there's gotta be something wrong with me, right? there has to be something. there can't just be no reason for all of this.

#veero vents #vent ig #might delete later #my chest feels tight again #today wasn't as bad as yesterday #but still not good #tomorrow's gonna be shit #i'm gonna have an anxiety attack again tomorrow #i just know it #hopefully i'll cope better

[ishouldsleepbut]

teacher: "oh, i can't wait to read all about your project—" that's great, i can't wait to go to sleep and never wake up

#veero vents #vent ig #tw sui implied #tw sui ideation #this project you're sooo excited for? #it made me feel like shit #it made me feel the worst i've ever felt #it was supposed to be a community project #it was supposed to help people #it didn't help anyone #all it did was make me hate myself #and all of that wasn't even worth it #because i was forced into turning it in incomplete #i couldn't even finish it #so you can take your fancy rubrics and grades and presentation schedules and diplomas #and throw them in the trash #i don't want them #i just want it to be done

[ishouldsleepbut]

how do you get better? like i'm genuinely asking, once you know what your problem is, how do you get better? because i know what's wrong with me

i just don't know how to fix it

#veero vents #vent ig #like how do i create better habits #how do i manage my time effciently #how do i stop feeling bad about myself #how do i stop hating myself #because presumably healthy people already know how to do that #but i just can't

[ishouldsleepbut]

it really sucks when you think you finally have people you talk to about some really serious stuff

and then they go and do something that immediately shuts that option down

#veero vents #vent ig

[ishouldsleepbut]

i want people to know what i'm going through and why i act the way i act

but the thought of actually being fully known and exposed is terrifying

#veero vents #vent ig #my dad went into my room today and was like #“why aren't you doing your work?why is your room so messy? you can't keep doing this in high school. you need to build good habits.” #dad i know #i know i need to do better #you think i don't hate myself for not doing that? #i know i'm screwing everything up #and i would say i'm trying #but i honestly don't know if i am #it just feels so hard for no reason

[ishouldsleepbut]

i don't sleep anymore

i just work, pass out, and wake up any time between 3 to 5 am and start working again

i can't remember the last time i deliberately went to bed

#veero vents #vent ig

[ishouldsleepbut]

do my parents just not trust me? do they just not trust me, is that it?

#veero vents #might delete later #idk they just shut down my phone #i can't text anyone other than them #i just i thought i was good #i don't argue that much #i get good grades #i listen to them #our relationship is good i thought #but they just don't trust me #why not #why why can't they just trust me

[ishouldsleepbut]

i just did something i'm not very proud of. i'm sorry.

#veero vents #<- retagging all the vent posts with this #might delete this later #tw sh #tw self harm #tw sh implied #tw sh related #tw self harm implied #tw sh in tags #it got so bad again and i did it #i said i wasn't going to last time #i can't stop staring at them #fuck what was i thinking #i'm so stupid #i don't even have a way to hide it #i can't even cry about it #it itches why does it itch #fuck

[ishouldsleepbut]

i feel like i'm going to throw up

#veero vents #vent ig #don't worry i'm not actually sick #it's just my chest hurts and it's tight and i can't do anything #even though i have so much stuff to do #but i was stupid and left it to the last minute #and now the very thought of going to school tomorrow makes want to cry #maybe there is something wrong with me after all

[ishouldsleepbut]

and just remember kids

distracted doesn't equal happy

#veero vents #vent ig #it never really lasts #does it?

[ishouldsleepbut]

"why didn't you work today? why are you crying? why do you feel bad?" i don't know. that's the point.

#veero vents #vent ig

[ishouldsleepbut]

every part of me looks wrong

#veero vents #vent ig #i was right #i hate it #i hate myself #i just want it gone #dysphoria? #i don't even know

[ishouldsleepbut]

everytime i think i'm doing better, i just end up back where i started.

#veero vents #vent ig #what's the point #seriously #what is the fucking point #i'm doing all this work for something that won't even matter in a few months #and all it does is just make me feel bad #so what's the point #god i thought i was better

[ishouldsleepbut]

you know, there comes a certain point when you've been given all this support and reassurance that you're okay and you're valid and you're not the problem and you just sit down and realize that maybe you are the problem because there really is no other explanation

#veero vents #vent ig #might delete later #overly dramatic #it has to be me #i'm the only reason my life feels so bad #and i feel so bad