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saiilorstars · 4 years

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Dare To Forget Me

Ch. 20: One, Two, Three Questions

/ Previous chapters /

Fandom: Law & Order SVU

Pairing: Rafael Barba x Original female character

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

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Chapter Summary: Rafael's mistake brings up a series of questions for both sides that neither seem willing to answer...

There wasn't really a word to describe the anger Montserrat felt. It just bubbled inside her and no matter how many times she yelled, she didn't feel better. She tried coming up with a good description to at least spat it in Rafael's face, but nothing came close. Even as he profusely apologized for letting it slip that she was thinking of transferring, the anger didn't fade. Really, however badly it sounded, she wanted to smack him. It was unprofessional, it was plain childish, but that's what she wanted to do. And maybe strangle him.

My God he frustrated her.

"Montserrat, you have to talk to me at some point, you know," Rafael was following Montserrat down the courthouse hallway. As soon as Heba's first day of trial was finished, Montserrat got up to leave...but she was stupid if she believed he would drop things like that.

"Unfortunately for work I do," the detective muttered once she pressed the elevator button. "But who knows, that might not last too long. Do you want to pass out the date of my last day too?"

"I said I was sorry. You have to believe me when I say I didn't mean to tell anyone about your transfer-"

Montserrat whirled around in a snap. "But that's just it, I don't believe you, Rafael. I've known you for months now and your mouth has never made a mistake like that. It's literally why I hate it! You always know what you're saying - that's your one, annoying talent!"

The elevator dinged as its door slid open. Before Montserrat could even think about getting in, Rafael yanked her away and brought her a couple steps away from it. "I understand what you're saying but I didn't plan it. I was…" Yup, it pained him to admit it out loud, "...upset about your behavior with me." Montserrat's face scrunched, clearly confused on what he was talking about. "I don't understand what's been going on with you and the fact you wouldn't tell me and instead got snappy with me...it got to me."

Montserrat could at least appreciate he was being honest, because she could tell how painful it was for him to admit that one. But that was it. It didn't mean she was on the forgiving phase. She'd done all the yelling possible and he'd surprisingly taken it all. But he kept coming back. "Well, it's like you said when I first started working here: I don't owe you any of my secrets."

How could Rafael say that was before he got to know her without sounding like he cared more than he ought to? Was there a way?

Montserrat shook her head. She shook his hand off her arm and walked back to the elevator. She couldn't trust herself not to shout all over again if she stayed back.

Rafael watched her go with a feeling of distraught. At what point did this happen? So what if she was angry with him? He'd pissed off more people than he could count. And at least they didn't shout in his face as bad as Montserrat had. What the hell made her so special that he'd feel the relentless urge to apologize even when it exposed him to more of her shouts?

"Hey councilor," Sonny called as he crossed the hallway. He was going to act as if he and the rest of the squad hadn't been watching that argument unfold, but he did feel the need to at least cheer one side up. "She's going to get over it, trust me. Kara says so."

"Oh great, so the roommate knows too," Rafael rolled his eyes. He started making way for the elevator as well, preferring to avoid any other sympathetic talks from the squad. "Am I the villain too?"

"No, you're the hero because Kara says she would've strangled Montserrat by now with all her yelling," Sonny said too easily and casually that it actually made Rafael smile for a bit. Alright, so maybe he could do with a talk with Kara Mackie sometime soon.

"As much as I'd love to snap back, I think this time it'll benefit me if I keep my mouth shut," Rafael pressed the elevator button. "Because every time I open it, I just anger Montserrat more. But then again, she's just so frustrating that I can't seem to actually keep quiet."

"Yeah, that's the case with women," shrugged Sonny. "But listen, I think right now it's better to give Montse some space so that she can cool down. She's not listening to anyone right now, trust me."

"I'm a little concerned that, because of it, she might make a rash decision," Rafael's admission made Sonny pause and look at him.

Sonny briefly glanced to the side to make sure no one could overhear them when he spoke again. "Hey I just have to ask, do you and Montse have, like...something going on?"

If Rafael had stiffened, one would've had to have been watching very carefully. Despite the elevator door opening, neither man stepped inside. "Absolutely not," Rafael answered a few minutes later.

"Are you sure?" Sonny knew he was getting himself into a dangerous position. "I'm not trying to pry but...I don't think I've ever seen you this…" his hand gestured to Rafael's current state as a point, "...yeah…"

"I don't appreciate this assumption, Carisi. Conversation's over," Rafael turned for the elevator, though not without giving Sonny a look indicating he was not to follow.

"Running away though…" Sonny couldn't help say just before the elevator door slid shut. He smiled to himself. Kara would love hearing this one.

~ 0 ~

There were some people Montserrat could avoid, like Rafael, but there were others that she couldn't. Those would include your boss, and since Montserrat hadn't transferred yet nor quit, she still had to follow Olivia's orders.

Right now the order was to go to Olivia's office.

Now Olivia had thought about this whole transfer thing ever since Rafael explained it to her and the others. She wanted to have the right words to say to Montserrat, but she feared that even with all her thinking and caution she would still come up short.

"Close the door, Montse," she instructed when the detective poked her head inside. "You left the courthouse pretty quick."

A low snort slipped through Montserrat's mouth. "Did you expect anything less?"

Olivia dismissed Montserrat's snap for the greater cause. "I understand you're upset-"

"-that's not the word I'd use but sure," Montserrat took the seat across the desk. "And look, whatever you want to say about it...I'd rather you didn't."

"Well, as your boss, I sort of have to talk about it," Olivia brought her hands together over the desk. "Because if you're transferring, it means I'll have to start looking for your replacement."

Montserrat knew that was true. She crossed her arms while Olivia asked the dire question.

"Are you transferring?"

"...I don't know," Montserrat answered honestly. "God, that's why I specifically told Rafael not to say anything. I'm not sure what I want to do!"

"Well, can I ask why you want to transfer?"

"Honestly?" Montserrat leaned closer to the desk to look Olivia in the eyes. "Because of what you said."

Olivia blinked in shock. "What I said? What did I say?"

"You reminded me that I work at SVU where it's my job to help victims come forwards. How could I work here when I myself am not coming forward?"

Olivia's mouth opened several times, but each time that she did the words didn't come out. She felt a rush of guilt, though. She was the cause of all this mess?

"I'm not blaming you, Liv," Montserrat said once she caught Olivia's reactions. "It just sort of made me think."

"That...that was not my intention, Montse," Olivia shook her head. "I...I only meant that working here should be an inspiration to you. In no way did I ever mean that you shouldn't work here. Every victim handles their pain in a different way."

Montserrat paused to let the 'victim' part sink in. She never called herself that, and for some reason it didn't feel right. Perhaps it was because it brought back the memories she wanted to forget forever. "I'm just not sure what I'm doing, Liv. And it definitely doesn't help when the squad keeps giving me these looks."

"They're just confused about what's going on," Olivia said.

"Well I'm not explaining to them why I'd like to transfer," Montserrat frowned. "I just wish Rafael had kept his mouth shut like I asked him to. At least then I'd be able to think without pressure."

"There's no pressure from my end, Montserrat," Olivia clarified. "You can take as much time as you need to think about this. But, if I may, I think transferring out of the squad isn't the answer. It's really more of a way to run away."

Montserrat sighed. "I know. But I really have no idea what I'm doing here. I'd just like to see my options."

"That's fair," nodded Olivia. "And again, if you need to talk again…"

"Thanks," Montserrat smiled weakly. She pushed herself up from her chair and headed for the door, only stopping when Olivia called.

"And you know, for what it's worth, Rafael really is very sorry about it," Olivia's smile was an odd one, a knowing one, and it made Montserrat's face warm up.

"...good for him," Montserrat said quietly before leaving the office.

~ 0 ~

Kara lowered her newspaper to reveal a scrunched up, disgusted face. "This can't be true, is it?"

Montserrat, who sat on the other couch with her laptop, briefly looked up from her screen to see the headline being one of Jimmy MacArthur. Her eyes rolling was now an automatic response whenever it came to that man. "Course not. I don't know why you're reading that trash."

"Well, since you haven't gone back to the courthouse anymore, where else am I supposed to get my information?" she turned the page of her newspaper. "Sonny only tells me so much."

"It's all trash, okay? Heba's saying the truth, the men are not. Shocker," Montserrat's curtness was honestly getting tiring for Kara.

"Can't help but feel like you're saying that due to someone…" Kara briefly smiled but Montserrat outright ignored her in favor of her computer.

Even when someone knocked on their door, Montserrat continued like nothing. Kara rolled her eyes and got up to go answer. She was relieved to find Sonny on the other side, because she was dying without conversation from Montserrat.

"I thought you might like some dinner," Sonny raised the take out bags in his hands. "And I bought for three," he said as he eyed the back of Montserrat's head. The ginger wasn't really giving him the time of day.

"I'm good, thanks," she at least muttered a few seconds later.

"Thanks Sonny, we appreciate it," Kara threw a disapproving look in Montserrat's way, but the ginger missed it.

As Kara brought the bags to the kitchen table, Sonny made his way up to the back of Montserrat's seat and was able to see her computer screen. "Those are the transfer openings then?"

Montserrat instinctively shut her laptop and looked up at the man with a frown. "You know, being nosy is exactly how Rafael got on my bad side. You want to follow? Cos I definitely have more to scream."

Sonny made a face but raised his hands to show he came in peace. From the kitchen, Kara called out to Montserrat. "Don't be mean to my boyfriend just because you're mad with yours!"

Montserrat sucked in a deep breath while her fingers did some sort of dance in the air, as if she were getting ready to strangle someone. However, that didn't stop Kara from continuing on with her game. She came back to the living room with a Chinese take-out box for herself and Sonny.

"This entire thing is ridiculous," Kara planted herself next to Sonny. "And because of it, I'm paying for it right here."

"And us at work," Sonny decided to add.

Montserrat merely opened her laptop again. "Maybe keep your mouths shut, then."

"Look Montse, it does seem like Rafael made an honest mistake," Sonny said, and would go on despite the glare Montserrat was fixating on him. "He's sorry-"

"-that's what everyone says but I just don't buy it!" she snapped. "He always knows what to say and you honestly expect me to believe he didn't tell you guys about the transfer on purpose?"

"What would he gain, Montse?" Sonny asked ever-so-calmly, because the moment he argued he would lose her.

"Her presence," they heard Kara mumble before taking in some rice. Sonny elbowed her on the side. "What!?"

Montserrat shook her head. "He's just so frustrating!"

"Funny, that's what he said about you too," Sonny said.

"Well he is!" Montserrat scowled. "I asked him not to say anything and what does he do? And then he won't leave me alone! God, it's like I'm literally saying I'll strangle him and yet he keeps coming back!"

"He's trying to apologize, Montse," Sonny pointed out, not that she cared for at the moment. "And to be fair, if he hadn't apologized you would be mad about that too." See there, Montserrat had to stay quiet because she knew that he was right. If Rafael hadn't at least attempted to apologize, she'd be furious too. "But even though he's actually doing it, you reject it. And that's frustrating too, according to him."

Kara groaned loudly and settled an irritated look at the two of them. "You two are idiots," she first announced then placed her take-out box on the coffee table. "And you two-" she pointed at Montserrat, indicating she was now talking about her and Rafael, "-are also idiots. Do you know why you're so frustrated with him? And why he's so frustrated with you? It's tension! It's all pent-up tension that won't disappear until you two get a room. Literally!"

It was scary how quiet Montserrat was when she slammed her laptop shut again. Sonny expected an explosion of some sort, but instead Montserrat just glared at her roommate. Perhaps it was just another thing that proved Kara was right.

"You're not funny."

"Good, I wasn't trying to be," Kara completely missed the part where she should take it slowly. "You two are grown adults. You're at that point in your life where it's okay to have a one night stand. And I know that you've thought about it too."

Now Sonny really waited for that explosion. He even shut his eyes for it.

But once again, Montserrat was eerily silent. It was a terrifying silence. "Stop saying stupid stuff," she said slowly.

"Bet you can't say that 10 times fast."

The noise Montserrat made afterwards was not pretty. She got up from her seat, almost jumped up, to argue. "You're not helping me, Kara! God, I'm so confused and instead of being my best friend and helping me you're out here saying stupid things!"

"Oh sweetie," Kara shook her head. "I am helping you, but you're not listening. What is it? You've had boyfriends before-"

Montserrat visibly shook with anger. Her body actually trembled with the fury she felt. For a second, Sonny feared for Kara's life. "-would you stop saying that!? I'm not interested in relationships so just drop it!" She grabbed her laptop and storm towards her bedroom.

Once the door slammed, Sonny felt free (and safe) to talk. "Do you really think that's the way to help her?"

Kara shrugged, clearly not feeling the least bit guilty. She grabbed her takeout box and continued to eat like nothing. "When you've known Montserrat for as long as I have, you get to know what ways work best. And I am telling you that she has some feelings she needs to work out. Poor woman is going to lose it if she doesn't do something."

"Are you sure that's the case here?"

Kara paused just as she was about to deliver more rice to her mouth. Her eyes studied Sonny's face for a full minute, and the strength of it actually made Sonny squirm. "What do you know, Dominick?"

His actual name. That's how he knew she was completely serious and it was the type of seriousness that usually got him in trouble. "Nothing…"

"Mhm, try again. Is it about this problem?"

"...maybe…"

"Spill," Kara pointed at him.

"I...agree with you," Sonny raised a finger to make sure she didn't get ahead of yourself. "I spoke to Rafael and he pretty much said the same as Montse. I think, like her, he's...sort of in denial."

A sarcastic, soft smile spread across Kara's face. "Oh sweetie, it took you that long? Maybe I should be the detective."

Sonny rolled his eyes at her. "I do believe he's sorry about the secret. He didn't mean to do it."

"Oh, I believe that he believes he didn't mean to do it."

Sonny now was the one to give Kara a look. "What?"

Kara made a low noise. "Seriously, just give me your badge right now. I believe that Rafael believes he didn't mean to spill about Montserrat's transfer. However, I think he subconsciously did it on purpose."

Sonny stared at her as if she were going to say it was a joke but when she didn't, he shook his head at her and frowned. "Wait, what!?"

"I think he was so upset that, somewhere deep down, he told you guys as a cry for help." Kara said it so simply as if this were something so obvious it should've been noticed way earlier. "He doesn't strike me as the type to openly say 'help me'."

"I...will give you that one," Sonny had to concede. Maybe Kara was right. Rafael would never openly ask for help if it dealt with Montserrat. A few days ago it took Rafael a whole story just to get him to find Montserrat for him.

Kara started smirking suddenly. "But maybe we can help them out."

"See, I know you're trying to help but I think-"

"Shh!" Kara waved a hand for him to be quiet. "You talk to Rafael and tell him exactly what I said, but, you know, make it sound like it came from your brain and not mine. I think it would piss him off if he knew we talked about him."

"He already knows you talk about him."

Kara glared at Sonny. "Seriously, maybe just become a lawyer already and give me your badge."

"I don't see how we could help, Kara. They're both in denial and, honestly, Montserrat is way too angry to listen even if Rafael decided to try to talk to her again."

"And I guess I have to give you that," Kara sighed. "But still, maybe if you make him realize what he did, it could help in some way. It's better than doing nothing, right?"

"I...guess…" Sonny was now mentally preparing himself for a shouting from his dear colleague.

"And I'd get it done preferably before this weekend as it is Montse's birthday."

~ 0 ~

The first thing Dr. Weslin noticed about her patient was the relentless picking of the fingernails. Montserrat's nervous habits were back in town and this time it seemed like things were worse. So, Montserrat told Weslin about everything. It was done in a series of rambles only interrupted by Weslin asking her to calm down.

"So, you're angry…" Weslin purposely trailed off as she saw Montserrat immediately opening her mouth to argue the contrary.

"I'm not angry I'm…" but Montserrat had trouble putting her thoughts into actual words. After all the screaming she'd done, she didn't know where her thoughts were. "I'm upset that Rafael told everyone but then at the same time I'm...relieved? If that makes sense?"

"You certainly have the floor to explain," Weslin reminded.

"Everyone thinks I'm pissed because Rafael spilled my secret but...I think I may be mad at myself that...I wasn't brave enough to do it myself. And, you know, maybe it hasn't helped that I've been yelling at everyone that I'm angry with Rafael but...you know." Montserrat brought her hands to her curly hair. "I'm a mess and anyone who comes in contact with me...God help them."

"You're confused, which is completely understandable," Weslin said as a means to lessen Montserrat's stress. "And I think your friends might understand you better if you put an effort into less screaming and more talking."

"Easier said than done, especially when people just outright frustrate you," Montserrat pursed her lips. "Kara, my best friend, seems to have it in her head that the reason I'm specifically so upset with Rafael is because I...because...because there are some feelings in the mix."

Weslin took that admission as something noteworthy. It was rare when Montserrat talked about personal relationships. She'd been seeing Montserrat for almost a full year now and it was only now that Montserrat even mentioned something romantic-related. The fact Montserrat was choosing now to start was a small milestone for her, indicating that - somewhere deep inside - Montserrat was getting ready to start even considering relationships.

"And what was your reaction to this idea?" asked Weslin.

"Well I first snapped at Kara," Montserrat said quickly but after getting a look from Weslin she took it more serious and expanded. "I mean…" she closed her mouth and tilted her head to one side, "Okay, Rafael is attractive but that's it. I don't think I'm ready for any of that stuff. And I most certainly do not like the fact Kara uses this idea every time I have a problem with him."

"Okay," Weslin nodded. "But you can't also be so defensive about it either. Sit down with Kara and explain to her that you simply do not have those feelings she claims you have."

"Well...yeah…that would...be the obvious choice..." Montserrat looked unsure and Weslin dared to think this whole 'idea' of Kara's might not be entirely wrong.

"But…?"

Montserrat seemed to have caught herself and shook her head. She straightened herself up in her seat and shrugged. "Nothing. I just need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do about this transfer thing."

"May I make a suggestion?"

Montserrat nodded.

"Try to imagine a workspace without your current co-workers. Imagine yourself a new partner, a new boss, a new ADA. And then think if you would be happier there...or in SVU."

Montserrat nodded again with the intention of following through with it. All she'd done so far was only search for new openings in different divisions, but she'd never actually sat down and really thought about what a new workplace would be like. Would her co-workers be like what she now had in SVU? Would they like her? Treat her nice? Or would they treat her as a rookie? Someone who didn't have a place?

#ocapp #svu fics #rafael barba fics #svu imagines #rafael barba imagines #svu #rafael barba #svu imagine #oc: Montserrat Novak #fic: dare to forget me

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hawkland · 6 years

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i’ve got some shit to say

...about reactions to last night’s SVU that are really (still) pissing me off today. And I’m sure none of this will be popular but you know what? I really don’t care. My shark week just started and I couldn’t give a fuck.

But I will stick it behind a cut because, well. It got long and if you don’t want to hear me rant, move along.

—“Re: Stop forcing all m/f friendships into romances on this show/every show!” Uh. If you actually look back on SVU history, very few m/f friendships (or rivalries) and working relationships have actually become romantic on this show. To my count: Brian/Liv, Liv/Tucker, Amanda/Nick, Amanda/Declan, Liv/David (where that was specifically planned as a love interest arc), Elliot/Dani.

How many others HAVEN’T? Do I need to list them all? Fin/anyone, Mike Dodds/anyone, Munch/anyone, Alex or Casey/anyone, Liv/Nick, so far Liv/Rafael...and let’s not forget the BIG one: Benson & Stabler. Yeah sure a lot of people still ship it like crazy, but did it ever actually happen on show? No. If the show had actually gone there, with the primary partnership and m/f relationship on this show for it’s first twelve years? I might join you in the bitching. But they didn’t, and so I’m not.

—Just because a woman becomes a mother doesn’t mean she loses her sex drive (or should). Y’all weren’t castigating Olivia for sleeping with Tucker now that she’s a mom to Noah—indeed the biggest complaint I heard was the idea of her giving up that relationship because she needs to be a mother first. Some of this toward Amanda is starting to sound like Tumblr anti-speak, like “any woman over 30 should just go away, raise babies and pay their taxes instead of having any fun.”

—The slut-shaming of Amanda in general is SO really off-putting. So she enjoys casual sex. I thought we were supposed to allow women to enjoy sex on their own terms. That it was a bad thing when, say, defense attorneys on this show used a victim’s sexual history against her. And yet the fans here who don’t like Amanda do that ALL THE TIME.

—The only thing I would criticize is that both her and Sonny looked pretty clearly intoxicated after the bar and I would say neither of them were in a good place to consent to anything, either with each other or someone else. While it’s often a fanfic trope to get two characters together (hell, I’ve written it myself), it’s not how I’d want a ship to happen in actual canon. So I’m glad, even as someone who low-key ships Rollisi, they didn’t “go there” in that scenario.

—All this criticism of Amanda sleeping with the bartender when Sonny was the one trying to make the move at Amanda’s door. And yet people act like he’s some kind of saintly Catholic boy who is “too good/too pure” for her (or anyone other than Barba, I suppose). Honestly the way some of this fandom fetishizes his Catholicism makes me roll my eyes. Y’all need to meet some modern day Catholic-raised men, yes those of “strong faith”...I live with one. I’ve heard a LOT of real life stories.

—Honestly the more some people hate on Rollisi the more I ship it just because. And I do think Peter and Kelli have great chemistry together. I felt it there in the bar scene and motel door scene.

—I’m waiting for someone to call hypocrite on me because, two days ago, I was pissed off about Lucifer going with Linda/Amenadiel instead of Linda/Maze. But, I’m sorry, in the case of Laze we have 1) at least one of the characters involved canonically established as pansexual already, 2) characters who have shared life-and-death moments together and who call each other “best friends” now and 3) blatant sexual innuendo between them including ass squeezes. In my mind this sets up a hell of a lot more basis for an actual romantic/sexual progression between them than I’ve ever seen on screen between Carisi & Barba. So no, I don’t think it’s comparable.

And...I think that’s it for now. At least before the coffee kicks in.

Oh wait here’s a ps:

—If queer representation on network tv is so important to you (and I agree it is important) then please be supporting shows like The Exorcist! Which are in danger of cancellation and yet has given us a canonically bisexual Catholic main character (Marcus Keane), canonically lesbian supporting characters in seasons 1 and 2, and just in general has done a wonderful job of being diverse in sexuality and ethnicity.

#svu #fandom ranting

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poipoi1912 · 7 years

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Can I hit you up for any bi Carisi head canons you have/ask what your preference is when it comes to Carisi being confused or confident in his sexuality? And indeed, his reaction to that conclusion?

That’s a heavy question for me, anon, because I’m bisexual myself, and sometimes I feel I’m projecting when I write Sonny (or Barba, for that matter) as bi.

(i.e. long post ahead)

I’ve said it before, I change it up when it comes to both Sonny and Barba’s sexual orientation. I don’t know that I even have a preference, frankly. Especially when it comes to my episode tags, I find it creatively interesting to work on different scenarios, just to keep it fresh. I often play with the relationship between Sonny and Barba (i.e. is it preslash, or a first time, or a fling turned into more, or a full-fledged established relationship?) but their respective orientations are also something I like to write differently.

They’re fictional characters to begin with, which means that a new SVU writer can change their orientation in an instant, plus I’m writing meta/fan fiction about them, which means this is only my interpretation and it has no bearing on canon. From my perspective, as a writer, I find it more challenging to try to write them in various iterations, just to see what changes in their characterization. I feel that allows me to illuminate different aspects of their personalities and their relationship.

Let me take a look at some of my work:

In the Groove Series (my longest story), Sonny is bi, he’s out and proud, and he has a super-supportive family (for reference, Barba is gay and there’s a bit of a rift between him and Lucia, at least at first).

In Hiding Places (my other extensive piece) Sonny is gay, and he came out as a teen, but his Staten Island friends punched him when he told them, and then he had to struggle with being forcibly outed at work when he was a uniformed cop. Even so, “this” Sonny always had happy relationships with men, and a supportive family (conversely, Barba is bi, he’s out, and he was once married to a woman, plus his major heartbreak came from Yelina choosing Alex over him).

In Divine Intervention, one of my angstiest stories (and the only one dealing with sexuality in such an extended capacity), both Sonny and Barba are gay, and they both had to struggle with it, in part because of their faith. Sonny’s father didn’t take it well, and he almost kicked Sonny out (he would have, if not for Sonny’s sisters), and Lucia has a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy with Rafael, and it’s all painful, except they are both at a place in their lives where they can understand and accept they have done nothing wrong, and love is love.

So yeah.

I should say that I’ve never written a “realization” story about them. A story in which they realize they’re not straight. I think that’s my own limitation if not projection, because the one constant is that they have both known they’re not straight from a younger age. Make of that what you will. spoiler alert: it’s because i knew i was bi when i was like 11 and fell in love with special agent dana scully

But to answer your question a little more specifically, when it comes to Sonny being bi, I feel that he’s young enough and open-minded enough to realize it’s not a big deal.

Problem is, it’s not uncommon for people to struggle with their own (bi)sexuality, even if they’re totally fine with the concept in abstract. Even if they totally accept other bi people. Sometimes it’s harder when it’s you, know what I mean? Sonny seems introspective, to me, and sensitive, and it’s likely that he’d be holding himself to a different standard, especially if you take his faith into account. Also, we know he’s been bullied, so maybe he did struggle with being bisexual, if not with being out. We also know he comes from a less progressive environment (his parents but also his friends, as a kid), so there’s a chance he wasn’t just struggling, but he was in denial.

But, he was also a law student in New York City (where I’m sure he met plenty of other LGBT people at least judging from my own experience studying law in the UK, lol), and again, he’s a young guy, and I’m sure he’s read the books (let’s be real, he’s definitely red the books) and he’s seen the films, and there’s a good change he’s been fine with his bisexuality from the start. I kinda love the idea of a young Sonny being totally confident in what he wants, and who he is, even if he had to keep it a “secret” at first, until he could get away from a more oppressive environment. Until he could be himself openly what did i say about projecting?

If I had a preference, I guess that would be it. That, even though it hasn’t always been easy, Sonny was able to accept himself from a young age. The alternative might be more realistic, and more painful, but this is fiction, so I’d like to think Sonny didn’t suffer too much :)

Oh wait, my other constant is that all 3 of Sonny’s sisters support him unconditionally. Always. No matter what. You can take that to the bank, anon.

also sonny is a woke bae (lol j/k) and i totally envision him speaking out against bigots in high school and being a scrawny lil’ badass

#sonny carisi #barisi #kind of #bisexuality #also #personal #i guess #random thoughts #i didn't mean to get deep #ish #i also didn't mean to write an essay #story of my life #anon ask #long post #this is what happens when the show gives you nothing

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