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Big Sad
The endless sadness that haunts me, or does it comfort me, it's familiar and a place I've been in far more than o have been happy.. I don't know if I remember what being happy is, I think I felt it once last year but ultimately I knew it wouldn't last and sure enough it didn't. Why would anything work out for me, the only good things I have at the moment is my job. I wish I had my cat I wish I had a place to live or call my home. Reality is in this life time I won't find a home that I crave, a place where I have a family the one and only thing I ever wanted. I have shared family with my bestie which is nice but I miss my daughter, heck I even miss my ex wife. Even tho we had our differences it was always comforting to come home and see them waiting at the door for me. I've gotten to old to ever hope to have that again, so what now? With the only thing I wanted gone why do I bother living? What's the point in this I'm just a slave to this shit society. Making money for other people to get rich while I'm stuck being homeless. I hate this world and I hate this society we live in nay I do not hate this world, I hate what the humans of this world have made it.
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Masking
Masking is something I've been good at, being trans with ADHD and probably Autism I learnt to mask well, it was purely out of the need to survive, it wasn't until I was 30 that I dropped my initial mask but I still have so many.. and at times it's really hard to know what the real me is and what the masked versions of me are. I think in most relationships I keep my masks up because I've been hurt so many times that masking is default for being around any partner because I know they will leave when I drop my masks. I've been told many times that I'm "high maintenance" because my emotional needs have never been met, and at this age in my life I honestly think that no one can fill any of my emotional needs, they're pretty simple call me, want me, tell me you miss me, cuddles you know the basic things you'd expect from a partner.. I dont know how to communicate my needs because I've been alone for more than half my adult life and I've always taken care of me or my partners. I go above and beyond for them and get nothing back in return, I even bought supplies for one ex who repaired a bedside table for her to post she did it on her own.. like bitch I bought you those supplies and helped you and got zero credit fuck you.. and even still I love her and miss her, it's fucked.. I thought I stopped letting people walk over me but obviously I still can't get it right.
My bestie thinks I'll find someone but as much as I would like to think it will happen I can't see it. I'm picky with partners I've tried dating all types of what is around in my area which is just white Aussie girls and I don't think it works, there is one girl who I absolutely get along with but she's straight and seeing a guy just the typical way the universe taunts me. So it is possible I could find a gay version of her but the chance of that I slim to none. Life sucks being me.
I've had therapist amazed by the amount of crap I've been through and remain positive and happy like what the fuck else can I do, be miserable and self loathing I've done that It didn't get me anywhere so I just try and make the most of what I have and in the process try and better myself.
Which reminds me of my conversation to my bestie about being self aware, she hates being self aware because it annoys her that she is and yet so many others aren't and are just oblivious to being assholes and live carefree being shit. I get it tho, for me I've been self aware and continue to be and improve who I am not for anyone else's sake but my own and I guess it does suck because when you do and you realise others haven't a lot of people let people do things to them that are just not on..
Sometimes I wish I could just live without my masks, but with being self aware I know I need to put them up because people can't handle me if I don't. The girl I like that straight she is probably one of the few who has seen me without my masks because we are alike and it feels comfoting to not have to mask around her.
The more I drop my masks the more people won't like me and so I don't know how to handle life without locking myself away from this society that doesn't understand me. "Why can't you just be normal?!" Cause normal is boring!
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Lost
My life, what a wild ride.. I don't know where my life is heading, I never thought I would reach it this far.. to be honest when I was 30 and came out as a Trans woman I accepted my fate as living alone for the rest of my life and was content with being alone.. 12yrs later I'm finding that is a hard thing to do, I didn't think the years would be as lonely as they have been.
So now I am journaling recapping on my past like I have done so in my diary to leave a piece of me behind for someone one day to read and hopefully make them feel less alone in this world that is so overrun with human beings..
One of my earliest childhood memories I don't think I was even old enough to walk yet, but I do remember playing in my parents back yard, we had a banana tree and I found one of the pods and the purple leaf? texture was so smooth and the way it curled was so cool. Weird thing to remember but its a core memory.
The purple pod leaf?
I recall textures like a cabinet we had that had a wicker weave in it and I can even remember licking it odd how a memory almost 40yrs old can still seem clear. Our brains are capable of some incredible things.
My brain also recalls a lot of horrible things that I wish it didn't but they remain and I have continuously gone over them and wondered what I could have done to change the events.. I know now there was nothing I could have done and everything that did happen was well out of my control sadly. Trauma what a great thing the brain does, I haven't been officially been given a piece of paper to say I have CPTSD but its there. So many little traumas and so many that I have resolved but to what end.. it feels like for every trauma I had its replaced by another and another.
Nothing makes me feel safe any more, and people definitely do not help with that, I have always felt like an alien in this world. Throughout school I didn't feel like I fit in then in the early years of work I never felt like I fit in either. One thing I did know was that to fit in I had to mask to pretend that everything was okay and live a lie and pretend to be what everyone wanted me to be so I never got to be myself, not until I had the courage to come out and my wife at the time had given me that courage to feel safe enough to come out finally. She didn't handle it well and felt like I had cheated on her which is fair I was living in survival mode living everyone else's dreams but never my own.
If I had been born 10-15yrs later maybe I wouldn't have had to hide away and would have found my people, but now I don't feel like I fit in the friend groups of what I would call my people because I have been so socially adapted to being with the wrong people that I don't know how to communicate.
I don't know where this is going btw so if you have made it this far kudos to you my friend. I just need to type this shit out that is in my head, and what you are reading is literally what my mind does it jumps all over the place constantly so there is no continuity here.
When I first came out I was alone I knew no one and the people I did know mocked me and didn't make my life easy, I had no help from anyone and had to learn how to be me the real me for the first time. the me that was always wanting to be the punk gothic witch lesbian I knew I was.
I was wanting to talk about my childhood, it was for the most part good but I was always pushed into being a boy, I never wanted to be a boy, I hated being a boy I hated being forced to be a boy I hated having to do all the things that were expected of a boy to do just because so doctor decided he knew my gender from my genitals why can't they just say its a child with this sex organ instead of defining my whole being by it. So many kids would be better off working it out for themselves then being forced into a gender. I was told I couldn't do things I wanted because I was a boy, and to be a boy I had to be dumb I hated that I wanted be able to smart like the girls, I wanted to be pretty like the girls. I was lucky to have neighbours that had 3 girls and I got to play with one of them and we would play strawberry shortcake and smurfs and I got to do the things the girls were doing, that was my brief taste of getting to be a girl and I liked it, and I use to pray to god that I would wake up a girl all the time I would cry in prayer like jesus did to god to make it possible I wanted nothing more, and every morning I would wake up sad knowing that nothing changed and i had to continue to pretend to be something that I wasn't.. thrity years of having to live a life that wasn't mine thirty years just people pleasing, Im 42 now and still have family calling me by my dead name and misgendering me, reminding me of all the time they made me be something I wasn't they forced my life to be something that wasn't ever my own it was their's I lived for them and why? Survival it is all I ever knew.. just do as your told.. something I remember hearing a lot as a kid and being beaten if I didn't comply.
I got strong cause I wanted to be able to make sure that if I ever needed to fight my dad I would win, one thing he taught me well was to not fear anything which ultimately has made me a little incorrigible as me ex would say hence the tumblr name given to me by her.
Somethings growing up were blessing like being taught how to ride a motorbike, how to skateboard, mountain biking and bmx all the things I still love to this day.
Anyway I am getting tired this takes a lot of spell slots for me to type, I wll continue another day X
I don't know how tumblr works btw this is the first time using it my therapist said I should try it..
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