themidlife

[themidlife]

The mothership

Last year, the person who I used to call my mother had me institutionalized against my will and without evaluation. I was taken away forcibly in handcuffs without anyone telling me why and where I was going.

The first time, I was put away for about a week. I already had calmed down and yet they had me taken away. I just needed to be left alone. I didn't need to be wrestled, squashed, taken by force, handcuffed, and shot up with whatever drugs they used. I demanded that they identify themselves, and they said they were police. Yet they had no warrant or badge.

The second, over five months for just a small misunderstanding. I thought they'd let me go after a week or two. They didn't. I thought she'd come by to talk about it, or at least with the psychiatrist and get my side through her. Nope. I missed Christmas, New Year's, my birthday, and seeing my father conscious for the last time. I wasn't even told he passed away until the day after. She gave away my cat, didn't tell anyone who mattered to me where I was, and painted a horrible picture of me to our relatives and family friends.

You should've seen their faces when they saw me at the wake.

Only one friend visited me while I was there.

She kept me there even after my father was buried.

The only time the "mothership" would visit would be to tell me bad news or to try to get me to sign over my rights to things like our house and so that I would sign the Do Not Resuscitate form for my dad's life. I never wanted to sign those things. Why would I?

She never called me or anything.

After a while of so many failed attempts at reaching her, I started to just flat out ask for things like toiletries and books. Then she complained to the nurse that that's all I do--ask her for stuff. So the nurses and attendants talked me into telling her I missed her and dad and stuff to try to appease her.

Plastic. She's always tried to build me to be plastic and perfect.

She only had a cake brought to me for my birthday. I didn't want to eat it. I threw it out. But the nurses rescued it and talked me into eating at least a slice so that they wouldn't report the incident--"bad incidents" like these (crying included) would be reported to the doctor, which oftentimes ruins the chances of us getting out.

She gave away so many things that mattered to me.

She took away so many things that mattered to me.

Then she blames me for everything that goes wrong.

If I try to stand up for myself, she'll twist things around and make it seem like I'm the only one who's wrong.

Once, she saw me crying in my room. She asked me why I was crying and I told her it was because I missed my dad. Then she said, "Well, it's your fault..." and she trailed off as she walked out of my room. Dumbfounding.

It isn't funny how the mothership tries to twist things around for her advantage. I told her that I didn't want to be here, that it wasn't my idea to be living with her. Then she said, "Wasn't it you who begged me to bring you home?" No. I have written proof of that, too. And my psychiatrist can attest to it. The mothership was the one who begged me to stay with her at home while my psychiatrist and I agreed that it would be best if we lived apart.

But I took pity on her and decided to give her another chance.

She blew it.

And she kept adding tinder to the fast-growing forest fire.

I can't change overnight. I've been trying to be better. But I can't just give 200% while she gives 5%. I can't just roll over all the time. She has to put more effort into it, too. My problem didn't stem from nowhere. It stemmed from my environment, her being in it especially.

I don't know how, but she somehow figured that acting hostile towards me and not going to therapy was "best" for our already very brittle relationship. Such brilliant logic.

I try to deal with things better, but it's so difficult when she constantly figuratively shoves me against a wall and beats me with a burning stick.

She has been accusing me lately of not taking care of my cat, not being able to clean up after myself, not being responsible, lazy, etc. But she doesn't even witness what I do. And when I point out what I do to her, she'll force another issue into the conversation, completely disregarding what I just said.

I'll tell her how I take care of my cat, how I play with him every day, brush his fur, feed him, clip his nails, brush his teeth, etc. and then she'll focus on how he pooped outside his litter box two times. Two times out of the whole stay he's been with me. I even changed his food so that he wouldn't gain so much weight. He doesn't even eat dry food all the time because I know they need a balanced diet of wet and dry food. Then she says my cat's dying of "neglect" and "loneliness". I don't understand it.

She accuses me of being lazy, that I can't even wipe the area around the bathroom sink when it's wet when the rag is there. But... The rag itself is wet all the time and it smells really, really bad. And water evaporates better when it's spread out. Besides, she leaves the sink area wet all the time, especially when she cooks. Yes, she cooks in the bathroom. It stinks up everything and truthfully, the setup is a fire hazard.

I clean the bathroom sink, toilet, and shower area because she leaves the grime to accumulate. I clean my room as in I clean the electric fan, dust the curtains and sofa, change my sheets, sweep the floor, and wipe off dust from surfaces. I do my own laundry because for some reason, she has decided not to have my laundry done without telling me. I take care of feeding myself because she has also decided not to be on top of that anymore.

She'll accuse me of "having enough to spend on dinners, getting my hair done, Royce' chocolates, etc." but she doesn't even know the truth about those accusations. I used money I got from a job for my hair. The red coloring was done for free because the first job wasn't right. The Royce' chocolates were for my officemates. I only had one or two pieces. I don't pay for most of the dinners I go to (thank you friends, I love you all!).

I got myself jobs. Jobs that I like. And she gets mad at me for them because one of them requires me to be at the office (which is about an hour away) thrice a week. She said that I "obviously haven't been looking for jobs in Alabang", which is far from the truth. I've looked. I've asked. I've sent my résumé and portfolio around and no one got back to me, so I tried reaching further out and got something. And now she's complaining about it.

She complains about it being expensive when she has the driver bring me to work, then her to mah jong (in a sketchy mah jong den in QC) or go back home to Alabang and then bring her around to mah jong or whatever else she does, then pick me up at the office, bring me home, and pick her up wherever she is (even if she's still in QC) at an ungodly hour. She'll complain what I'm doing is expensive on gas and toll, when she's not being very economic about it, either. She'll say that I'm being selfish and unreasonable towards the driver, when she has him do that, do the gardening, make his own food, and clean parts of the house.

I asked the driver once if he had eaten, if he had brought food, and when she found out, she scolded me, saying I only thought of myself.

I'd move away, but I'm not financially stable at the moment, especially since she took away an account that was supposed to be for my future. I only wanted a basic savings account, but when my parents heard that I was trying to save money, they got excited and decided to match the amount for a mutual fund account instead. I agreed and waited for it to accumulate. When I wanted to withdraw around 25-30% of it so that I could start my own business or something, the mothership told me that the entire account was gone. She withdrew everything without even telling me. She didn't even tell me what it was for.

Sure, she got me my camera equipment after a couple of months, but I had a plan for what was in that account and I was going to use the money so that I wouldn't be so dependent on her. I was going to start on my own. And that power was taken away from me. And now she's throwing it in my face that she got me my camera equipment, like I owe my life to her or something. I know that I have a debt of gratitude towards her, but I don't need to be harassed all the time about it. I'd pay her back in my own way. Besides, you don't get the returns of your investment immediately.

I don't need to be harassed, insulted, or threatened, period.

What's so funny is that she called herself normal while she called me crazy. You can ask my psychiatrists and the person who administered the psych. exam if I am. They all said I'm not. I exhibit a conscience. I may have a slightly warped idea of what's "good" and "bad", but these ideas can and do change depending on the situation. Besides, those ideas were brought about my unstable environment. Things aren't just in black and white for me.

Stop brainwashing me.

#having a hard time #perspective

[themidlife]

Sometimes I feel like I'm being brainwashed into thinking and feeling I'm completely useless.

#what is the point? #what do I believe? #do we even matter?

[themidlife]

3 dreams in less than 4 hours

1

We were a group of girls running away from my father.

In the first part of my dream, I became disabled. Like my legs became uneven so I had to walk funny. I hated this and got picked on at Zobel.

I had a sibling and father favored him/ her more than me.

One day, I got fed up and had a huge fight with dad.

It was so big that I ended up screaming at him and a guard/ officer made a report about it. We were at a station. I remember telling the officer that my father was attempting to kidnap me. Or something like involuntarily take. Something like that. Then I gave my father the finger.

When we eventually got home, I lived separately from him.

It was like when I'd be at war with my parents and I'd have to sneak around to take a bath, eat, and stuff.

I remember I "woke up" and stole into my room, where dad slept the night (I heard him crying), and took some things and ran back to where I was sleeping.

It was a large dorm-like setup with dozens of cots laid out in an open area structure.

When father was on his way to the structure (which was on the Zobel grounds for some reason), we all hid and tried our best to hide our tracks.

Then father became some sort of monster. He became two giant round things. Anyway, one of us raced to this electricity room and the creatures followed. Then somehow, they touched the board and were electrocuted and burst into like a hundred tiny ball toy things.

2

The second dream was about running from my mom.

I don't remember it as much as the first now, though.

3

I remember Britney Spears being a former president of a country. And we were on a plane. She jumped out/ let go of a rope or pole because we wouldn't believe her to be a nice person/ a good president. This skinny, dopey guy went after her. So they were plummeting to earth and the guy was saying all sorts of emotionally-revealing stuff. And he goes, "It's not like you're Supergirl or something..." And a moment later, Britney releases her suit, which transforms into a glider thing. And it turns out she can fly.

There was this part about two fairy sisters that looked like Lucy Liu with short hair ala Charlie's Angels (wig). One was really mataray, while the other was sweeter-looking. They went around with the cover that they were a teacher. Usually it would be the latter sister who'd go around in full human size while the other would sneak around monitoring students and stuff--and pulling pranks and tricks to take vengeance on bad students.

#dreams

[themidlife]

Acatalepsy (n.): The impossibility of comprehending the universe; the belief that human knowledge can never have true certainty.

#truth

[themidlife]

#what is the point? #do we even matter?

[themidlife]

‎”I don’t have anything. Nothing. Maybe all I have is myself. But that self wants you.”

[themidlife]

Constantly in flux between giving up and lumbering on purposelessly.

#having a hard time

[themidlife]

At kung patay na abutinitong iyong nalimutan ang bangkay ay dalhin na lamangsa malapit na libingan. Huling samo, oh! Tenyong, kung iyo nang maibaon sa malungkot na pantiyon, dalawin minsan man isang taon.

#walang sugat

[themidlife]

[themidlife]

I wish I was either 25 and away from you or dead.

[themidlife]

People.

#i know right

[themidlife]

Inevitable

Father acquired pneumonia at the hospital so they're keeping him there for a while longer. He also developed a bleeding ulcer. And they found evidence of an old stroke. (I can only guess that he didn't know he had one, or didn't tell us about it.) I haven't visited him for a week as I'm scared to. I don't know how to deal with all of this, with everything just piling up. There are no Christmas decorations in the house this year. 

#the hurting #having a hard time

[themidlife]

I miss my rabbits

#pets #missing parts

[themidlife]

The potential for man to do good and great things is infinite. The potential for man to do harmful things is infinite, as well.

#truth #perspective #thoughts that keep me awake

[themidlife]

#true story

[themidlife]

It is weird how my family is composed of social misfits.

#family

[themidlife]

I approve of his logic

#logic #random thoughts #so many levels