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thequestofprogress · 7 years

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Death is a pain in the ass

Yes, this title may be funny, however, this blog post is the opposite. I'll try to keep it as lighthearted as I can so you or I don't fall into a spiral of depression/grieving, but I want to speak about people leaving your life; whether that be through them dying or otherwise.

I believe that a person has two ‘deaths’ in their lives:

-physical 'death'

-spiritual 'death'

The physical ‘death’ of a person is (although horrible and excruciating) a lot more bearable than the spiritual ‘death’. It is the initial leaving of that person. It is where the body is no longer seen in your life anymore whether that be through death and cremation/burial or because of cut connections. You have to learn to live without them and continue your routine with them no longer in it. This can be horrible because you fall back into old habits, believing that they will be there to help or to talk to even though you know that they aren't. This initial year of readjusting is difficult for everyone. They say you must live through each season once in order to properly 'get over' someone and that is true in some ways, you have to struggle through each large monumental moments (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, easter, new years etc) to get past the physical 'death' stage in my thoughts. I believe in my head, that spiritual death is something that's more mind twisting because it happens over such a long period that by the time it's happened you don't realise it has. with the physical leaving, a lot of people manage to live with or overcome as they know it's happening/happened, the person is able to notice the physical 'death' of someone because it IS physical.

However, the spiritual death of a person can become lifelong. It is the years after this person has left your life that this takes place, and you start to forget certain things; small things that may not seem important to other people, however, it means more than anything to the person who has lost someone. It may be the smell of their aroma, the way they hugged, the way they smiled, the small freckles or dimples in their face. It could be that you forget the way they sounded or the small rituals that you would do together. But this becomes an ongoing process of forgetting and remembering small details about them and their life that become excruciating and something that is unbearable to live with. You become frustrated at yourself for forgetting and begin to question their existence at all. And sometimes it is only you who forgets these small things, and you have to exist in an ocean of people who remember this person however your brain just can't seem to puzzle together the person you once knew so you're left with this confusion in your mind about this person but also hatred at yourself for not remembering what everyone else does. It becomes a battle in your own mind about rediscovering this person who has already left and the breakdowns and suffering when you realise that this important figure in your life is slipping through your fingers. I found that I had this struggle and still struggle with it with my dad. I figured that because I was so young it was only I who was losing his memory. Lately knowing that my sister also struggles helped because it meant that it was just the time that had gone and not my young age or me forgetting him on purpose. I knew it as something that I couldn't help and for that, I became less frustrated with myself.

If you are someone who has experienced this you will know the agonising pain that I am writing about, and I am so dreadfully sorry that you have to live with it. But, if you are someone who has lost someone; whether it be by death or cutting ties with someone; there are other people that you can talk to that are probably thinking the same thing as you. Hell, I would have never admitted that I was forgetting memories until my sister told me and my mum on new years eve. That gave me the courage to say that I was feeling the same. Also, it helped to talk about it because now I know that I AM normal. So I would advise to just talk to people that may have dealt/are dealing with the same thing. And if not, my blog is open to anyone who wants to talk about this.

That is all I have to say on this subject(for now) but I just wanted to explain in my head how I feel about people leaving/dying and how, although they may have physically died, the spiritual/mental death is so much harder to deal with and is a long term effect of grief that I wish I(or anyone else) didn't have to deal with.

Ps: yes I know this wasn't that lighthearted. I tried.

#death #'trigger #warning #tw #triggerwarning #upset #sad #dying #leaving #family #friends #grieve #grief #grief and loss #stages of grief #griefsupport #support #help #health

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thequestofprogress · 7 years

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The Quest Of Progress turned 2 today!

As it is now my tumblrs 2nd birthday, I think I’m going to start uploading to my blog again. I want to try and get one thing posted per month and see how i am management wise with that! :D enjoy the posts!

#tumblr birthday #tumblr milestone

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thequestofprogress · 9 years

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School Trips and Teachers

I have had many school trips in my life time, from going to WW2 days to seeing various musicals at the west end. However today I went on a school trip that was a little different than normal. For one it was just our drama a-level group and also; we took the tube. Normally if we would go to London with the school it would be on the coach and would literally walk 5 minutes to the theatre. We weren't really allowed to explore or be in London. Today, although we weren't allowed to venture off because we had some timing issues, we went on the tube and it was my first time(par the Italy metro) that I was on the tube for a school trip. I normally go on with family or friends. Today we went to see a play for a live theatre review. The play was outstanding and reduce most of the girls to tears! But just the moment of everyone on the tube carriage, with no one else on, I felt humbled that our school even did trips like this for us and how great the teachers we had were and how lovely the students I have in my group are. I think a lot of the time, students forget that other students are kind and that teachers are there solely to help us get our grade. Students get lost in the frustration and stress over getting homework done and keeping up with all of the work in general that we don't always see the beauty of school. I mean, the people who work there are ONLY there because they want is to do well, they want to teach us and make sure we're okay! I didn't realise that either until last year and sometimes I still get caught up in all of the work I have that I forget. Last year was difficult as I was going through my GCSE's and my whole mind set wasn't in a healthy place. I didn't really know who to talk to so I would talk to a couple of friends but it was hard for them to help me because they were trying to get through their own stress. An acquaintance who I used to know well gave me the push(and you could say forced me) to talk to a teacher of mine. She was a kind teacher and I did trust her, I think telling any adult was difficult for me at the time because I didn't feel like they would support me of try to help. Anyway, I told her (well I wrote it down!) and she helped me. She got me through that challenging year at school and still gets me through these days sometimes. She made me realise that these teachers are here for anything you need and want you to get through school achieving good grades and being healthy. I put my faith in her that she wouldn't look down on me for what I told her and she didn't; she treated me like a friend and comforted me and advised me on what I could do to help me. She kept checking up on me and always had her door open for me of I ever needed it. She was there for me when most other friends weren't. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that sometimes, your teachers can be better friends than your friends are. They can be thoughtful and kind(if you pick the right teacher!) and they will try to help. Never underestimate teachers and demoralise them to someone who wants to put you through hell; they don't. They just want you to do the best you can and they want to help. If you need someone, 90% of the time teachers are there to listen. You just have to talk.

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thequestofprogress · 9 years

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Anjani.

This girl is my best friend. There have been times where I have not wanted to live any longer but this girl has pulled me (and sometimes dragged) me through things. I don't have many good friends at school that I can count on; yeah they're my friends, but I don't really communicate with them without forcing myself to. However I found my best friend at the lowest point in my life and even though I'm not a big believer in god; I believe that he sent her to save me. Here in England we don't have middle school and high school, we just have one big secondary school that children from 11-18 go to. When I was in the start of year 9 (I would have been 13/14) my school groups merged with another one and that is when I first met Anjani. Our social groups merged and I became friends with her in no time. We had most lessons together so we got to know each other there. Since then we have been inseparable, I've never had a fight with her and I've been able to confide in her with almost anything. There have been many times since we first met when I felt like I had nobody, I felt alone and useless. But she made me feel like I had a purpose. Like in the movie 'Hugo' 'if the universe is a machine; there is no spare parts. So everyone must have a purpose.' She gave me a purpose. Me and her have both gone through a lot in our lives and I, as I mentioned earlier, was at my lowest point when I met her. I was dealing with some very serious issues and was feeling very low. You may not believe in God or you may be a big believer in him. I personally, do believe in him but not to a full extent. I believe there is someone of higher power than all of us who helps guide us and pushes us in the right direction. I feel like whoever that figure is, led me to Anjani and led her to me. She 'literally' saved my life; on more than one occasion and I will be forever in debt and thankful to her for that. I only hope I have done the same for her. I guess, what I want you to take from this little anecdote is that, even though you may be young (even though you are probably over 13) and you still don't have that best friend(s) and you feel useless; your best friend is out there, your paths just haven't crossed yet. They will someday. I promise. And if you feel like you don't fit on this earth and you feel useless; your not. Everyone has a place on this earth, keep searching because you will find it one day. Some people find it early, some people find it later on in life. You may just be one of those special people that get to find it later on in life and so you have something to strive towards. The people that find their place now; it's not going to last forever. They grow up, they move, they have to start all over again and find their place again. I pity those people because they don't have one place, they have to try and fit in to many different places and that's harder than us; The people who only have to strive to one place. We have that place for the rest of our lives. Never having to adjust or move for anyone or anything. 'The whole worlds a puzzle piece, puzzle pieces don't come with spare parts. Therefore you MUST fit somewhere.' I love you.

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thequestofprogress · 9 years

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Love Your Family

You don't realise how much someone means to you until they're gone. When I hear how some teenagers say how they hate their parents and can't wait to get away from them it makes my blood boil. I remind them of how grateful they should be to have both their parents and maybe even step parents. They, obviously say all of the horrible things their parents have done, but does it really matter if your family has made some mistakes?(in some circumstances I agree with why you wouldn't want to communicate with them) Back when I was 11 I lost my father to a heart attack. It was sudden and none of us saw it coming. He came home from work, said he felt a little tired and ill so he went to bed. Next thing we know he is lying in bed...dead. He was revived and got taken in to the icu. It was an intense week in the icu and he never made it to consciousness again. There were tears flooding the hospital and memories brought up from the 60's. Even though there was so much love given in that week in that hospital room, I felt the loneliest I have ever felt. The moment I saw him on the floor of my parents bedroom; lifeless, I couldn't imagine a world without him. I thought that that would be it, that we would just stop living, like a pause button on a remote. I was wrong. I am now sixteen, turning seventeen and although life hasn't been the same since (in fact it's just gotten worse) I am living, I'm going to school, getting my A Levels, and being with friends and family. Even though I felt like my life was ending when I saw him there, it didn't, it just left me with the pain of the memories. But it also left me with people who I knew would be there for me if and when I needed them. I had to grow up when everything happened. I had to take responsibility of myself and help my mum out. Back then I didn't know what to do. I was a mess; but I didn't let anyone know that. It has been, a cold and dark place in my mind since that I still struggle to suppress but I manage. There are good days and bad days, just like everyone else has, but, they have two parents that they can talk to, for me and for others; we don't. Some people out there won't even have one parent and for that I am grateful that I still have my mum. However, friends that I know of, have both parents but don't want to make communication with them; because of one thing or another. I just think of how lucky they are to still have both parents and how grateful they are that they have both people who made them, still on this earth. They may not think that and moan to me about how annoying they are, and I do that with my mum sometimes. But when I get like that I have to take a moment and reflect and think how much my mum has done and is still doing for me. Throughout every hurdle she's faced. I think that, even though your parents may have made mistakes in the past...well...haven't we all? I get that people wouldn't want to make amends with their parents if they were horrible people but when you think that they could die tomorrow, wouldn't you want to say 'I love you' one more time? Your family are your family, they love you for who you are(most of the time) and they are the only people who you can really trust to be there always for you.

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