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wordsoftheheartblog · 7 months
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“I’m not everything I want to be, but I’m more than I was, and I am still learning. I’m happy. Just sitting here. Knowing I have a few friends. Knowing I have a dream to work on. Knowing I have somewhere to go if it starts raining. A pillow to rest my head on. Someone to call when I get lonely. Nature to walk in, pure air, early mornings, seasons and weather. This is enough. This is more than enough. And most of all, I am enough. Everything changed when I forgave myself.”
— Charlotte Eriksson, Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself
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I want to spend forever with you. I want to grow old together and create life from our love. I want to make a lifetime of happy memories and countless hours spent laughing. I want hard times. I want good times. I want bad times. I want happy times. I want it all. I want to spend the happiest days of my life with you and hold your hand through the darkest of times. I want to spend every moment for the rest of my life by your side.
But….. if what we are now is all we will ever be, I will savour every insignificant moment. I will bask in the simple silences I get to share with you and revel in the sound of your laughter. I’ll make you cups of coffee while we work and try to stir in an ounce of the love I have for you. We will exchange glances and knowing stares and softly smile at our silently shared thoughts. I will study your face when you lean in close and take in every tiny detail while I breathe in your familiar smell. I’ll find joy in watching you do nothing and feel a warmth in my chest when you smile at me in that indescribably specific way. I’ll find tenuous meaning in the little things you say and do, like the flash of a headlight when you say goodbye or the way you listen intently when I speak. We will sit here and laugh and you will look at me like maybe you could love me and I will stare back at you like you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I will savour every little moment, in case this this all we ever have.
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If you were a lake I would dive right in and submerge myself in the depths of you. I’d open my mouth and let the water flow in and fill my lungs until I was totally engulfed by you. I want to drown in you.
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Everyone always says when you meet the right one you’ll know. It comes when you least expect it. The world stops and everything makes sense and boom, it’s your soul mate.
But no one talks about what to do when it happens. When that person you’ve been waiting your whole life for finally arrives. What If you meet them and you just know. You just feel it. Something deep down in your soul says yes. It’s them. You’re home. All the love poems and the movies and the romantic quotes suddenly make sense and you realise, yes, this is what it feels like. It’s the knowing. The indescribable feeling.
But what If its someone who you know you can’t have.
Someone unobtainable. Someone who’s already found their home in someone else.
What if they’re my person but I’m not theirs?
What do I do with all this love I’m so ready and willing to give. Who do I give my all to? How will I spend the lifetime I was ready to spend with you? What If I never meet someone again who makes me feel the way you do?
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You look at me like no one has ever looked at me before. So intently. A deliberate stare. A purposeful look. Like you can really see me. Hear me. Feel me. I finally feel seen.
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I used to think that happiness was just the absence of sadness until recently i discovered it was a feeling of it’s own. And what a wonderful feeling it is.
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What a wonderful thing it would be to look back and see all the lives you have touched even in the smallest of ways and know what a difference you have made without realising
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I feel as though my whole life, I’ve been asleep, or barely awake until I met you and I came bursting into life. You’re suddenly here and it’s like life finally feels real, everything is more tangible, and emotions are rushing through me so quickly I feel like I might just burst into flames. You set me alight and now I burn for you. I’m seeing life in colours i never knew existed and I feeling things I didn’t know were possible. You bring me pure exuberant joy and happiness. I am an utter fool for you.
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And actually when I think about it, how wonderful is it that you and I get to exist in the same life time. In the vastness of space and the infinity of time, amongst all the immeasurable variables, we get to be in the same place at the same time, together.
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I sometimes wonder if when I was created the universe took a small part of my soul and put it in yours, and a small part of yours in mine. There must be some reason I feel so connected to you. So kindred. So intertwined. So intrinsically the same. Bound by an invisible string that runs through both our hearts and minds. Something about you feels like home to me, like I knew you in a past life. You make me feel the most authentic me. So unapologetically true to self. Safe and understood, respected and seen.
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