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January 28, 2018

My first post of the new year and I don’t even know where to begin because my last post was six months ago and I’m a completely different person. 

First, God is now part of my life. Six months ago, I couldn’t even say with confidence that I did or did not believe in God. Now I can say I believe in Him and since senior year started I’ve been working on a relationship with Him. It’s all because of Tre. He listened to me late at night contemplate my beliefs and deal with my grief over Uncle Mark. I expressed to Tre wanting to get to know God, just so I could finally say for sure whether I was a believer or not. Tre was the first person to really listen to me and help guide me in my faith and I’m thankful God put him in my life so he can show me just how great He is. I go to Young Life now every week and I go to bible study every week. My life feels a little bit more whole now. I definitely lost myself last year and that’s because I started 2017 lost. But within the last six months I’ve grown so much according to Tre. 

Second, my friendships are few but are of better quality now. I’m no longer friends with Kyle. He abandoned me when I needed him most after my uncle died and I will never forget that. But since our friendship has ended, I realized how much he’s been holding me back... along with other friendships I’ve had for a long time. I’ve grown so much with Tre in less five months than with my other friends who I’ve been friends with for at least five years. It’s definitely put a lot of things into perspective for me. 

Third, I love Tre with all my heart. I think it’s more than a crush. I’m not only attracted to his physical appearance but his personality too. He is one of the most genuine and caring people I’ve ever know. Despite everything and anything I tell him, he reassures me that he still loves me and isn’t going to leave me. Ever since my friendship with Kyle ended, I’m more insecure about my friendships. But Tre just proves over and over again that he’s here to stay. I knew it was more than a crush when I prayed for Tre to find a sweet Jesus-loving girl that will strengthen his relationship with God. I want Tre to be with someone better than me. I know everyone struggles with their faith, but my biggest fear is holding him back because he’s too busy walking with me down this path. He’d tell me I was ridiculous for thinking this way. But I love him and God so much that I don’t want to distract him from God’s plan for him. Sometimes I think I need Tre more than he needs me, which he tells me is ridiculous because he needs me too. After my friendship ended with Kyle, I was scared to get close to anyone again, but with Tre it’s so easy. 

Fourth, I’ve come to terms with my Uncle Mark’s death... sort of. I accepted the fact that he committed suicide. My conspiracy theory that his wife was the one who pulled the trigger and made it look like an attempted murder suicide crime scene was false. Now I’m just angry for what he did. I know we will never know what really happened that Sunday morning on July 9, 2017 and that is a mystery and a pain I have to live with for the rest of my life. I forgive my uncle for what he did, but the anger is still present and I hope one day it won’t be there anymore. 

[xokatidoll-blog]

July 27, 2017

My last entry was July 9, 2017. 

While I was venting about my situation with Aurey, my Uncle Mark had died that morning. I replay that Sunday in my head over and over. I was at my uncle Chris’s house spending time with my little cousins.I was worrying over such trivial things that may not matter in the future. And as I write this my thoughts go back to Aurey. We had talked throughout the day and he didn’t mention it. We also talked throughout the day Monday and not one word was mentioned. I had went to the mall Monday and bought a gray Calvin Klein set that I felt confident in. While I was trying to be cute and take pictures in my new sports bra and underwear my Uncle Mark was dead. I didn’t find out until Tuesday night on the 11 o’clock news what happened to my Uncle Mark. 

Two days had passed and I was just now finding out what happened. Anthony could’ve told me as well, but I understand why he didn’t because he’s a more reserved person and not as open person. I would’ve thought Aurey would be the one to tell me because we are closer. Instead I find out from a news anchor what happened. 

I feel this type of guilt inside me and I don’t know how to put into words how it feels. I wasn’t close with my Uncle Mark, but he was still family. I’ve seen him throughout my life and he’s always been a familiar face at gatherings and someone I always hug hello and goodbye... I’m finding it difficult to put these feelings into words but I know I shouldn’t bottle this up. I feel guilty because I wanted more time to spend with my family and the only reason I got it was because my Uncle Mark had died. I enjoyed being with everyone but it was all because of Uncle Mark. 

Every day I wake up and have to remind myself what happened. Some days I’m okay and other days I cry and ask, “why?” I watch his tribute video on youtube almost everyday. It gives me comfort because it reminds me of who Uncle Mark was and shows that our live’s are not defined by our last moments on this earth. 

Sometimes I have nightmare or even day-mares about what happened. I have a very vivid imagination, both a blessing and a curse. I imagine his final moments and how it may have happened, but we will never know his side of the story. My mind races when I think about it and I hope during the investigation the detectives look at the scene from all angles. 

I also replay my last moment with my Uncle Mark. I was lucky enough to see him on 4th of July. I gave him a hug and told him that it was good to see him and how I hoped to see him again... then I said bye, not knowing it would be the last time I’d see him. It’s hard for me to come to terms with what happened because I was with him five days before and it’s crazy to think that my Uncle Mark, someone I’ve known my whole life, who cut me a piece of cake at 4th of July, was the same man on the news. I know the rest of the family feels the same way. 

Now I try my best not to take time for granted with my family and friends. I’ve earned a greater appreciation for the relationships I have with my family and friends. I don’t say goodbye anymore. It will always be see you later.

[xokatidoll-blog]

July 9, 2017

How can something morally wrong feel so right? 

Being with Aurey felt normal, comfortable, fun. The only thing wrong with it was he has a girlfriend. I never wanted to be one of those girls who messes around with someone else’s boyfriend. That was not my intention at all. In my defense the first few times I was with Aurey I didn’t know he had a girlfriend. However, I should have stopped what was happening between us when I found out, but I didn’t. We are both equally at fault in the situation.

I was scared I was going to leave South Carolina regretting what had happened between me and Aurey. We did cross a major line. We put our 17 year friendship at risk. I was scared I was going to leave South Carolina heartbroken because I lost another best friend. I was also scared that Aurey regretted being with me.

However, I have to keep reminding myself that Aurey is not Jacob. Aurey is a great guy and he cares about me. I was so relieved when Aurey and I came to a resolution that didn’t end our friendship, I cried. The timing may have been wrong for me and Aurey, but what we did wasn’t. Both of us don’t regret it and don’t want to forget that it happened. They’re fun memories that we share.

The only downside is that I feel a painful longing to be with Aurey, not just physically, but emotionally too. I’ve never been with someone who I’m so comfortable with and feel confident around. I was never nervous. I never felt the need to hide myself. This is probably why I feel the way I do about Aurey. I want to be with someone who can always be myself with and that someone is Aurey. Maybe in the future, when the timing is better, Aurey and I will be together. Any guy I’m with in the future I will always compare him to Aurey because he’s ideally the type of guy I want to be with.

[xokatidoll-blog]

April 22, 2017

Dear Jacob,

I like you. However due to past events I don’t see us together. I’m almost certain you don’t see us together at all. It shouldn’t hurt, but it does in a way. I think at one point we could’ve been together and we would’ve been good for each other, but that time has past and I don’t think another time will come for us.

Maybe that’s for the best because I don’t want to waste my time with someone who I can’t be 100% myself with. I hold so much back and that’s not me. If I’m happy, I’m so happy and I want to share my happiness, but you don’t want to receive it. When I’m sad, I need someone who knows me well to comfort me, but you don’t want to be that person. And when I’m angry, particularly with you, I can’t tell you at all because you don’t want to fix the problem, you just want to move on. Or worse you blame me and yell at me then we don’t speak for a long time.

I wish we could go back to how we were before, when we had actual conversations. Then our conversations revolved all around sex and it was fun at first but became annoying. Now our conversations are boring small talk. I’m worth so much more than boring small talk. Even in person, you’re reserved and I feel like I’m bothering you. I’m tired of trying. I just end up feeling sad. However, I continue to try because those rare moments when we’re at the same level are amazing. It’s like when someone does heroin for the first time. That first high is so great and they keep using more and more to achieve the feeling of the first high. 

I know we’re polar opposites. I know you’re not open and it takes awhile for you to open up. You’ve opened up to me recently and it feels good to know you trust me a little bit. I shouldn’t expect or want so much from you. That’s not fair of me. However, I wish you’d try harder and not leave me hanging. Honestly, I just wish we were able to talk about things, but we can’t.

You’re the only guy to make me cry. I wish I could fathom my attachment to you. You’re not special, just average. You’re closed off and sometimes inconsiderate. My problem is I’m looking for something in you that I don’t think is there. Or it is, but I’m not the one to find it. I have no idea how you feel about me, but I think whatever little hope for us I had I just need to let go. It’s taken me a long time to realize that I deserve more than what you give me. 

From, Kaitlyn

[xokatidoll-blog]

April 2, 2017

It’s less than one month until AP Exams start. I cursed myself by taking AP Chemistry and AP Psychology in the same year because the exams are on the same day, May 1, back to back. I’ll most likely be having an anxiety attack after the chemistry exam then twenty minutes later I’ll be taking the psychology exam. Currently, I’m printing practice tests and answer keys for the AP Calculus exam I’ll be printing over fifty pages. Hopefully I have enough black ink.

It’s hard to believe that my junior year is almost over. This school year has been long and strenuous, but I’ve had an overall good time. I failed so many tests. I have a D on my transcript that colleges will see. I honestly hate myself because of that D. I haven’t gotten over it. I’m not sure that I will. 

The ACT is this Saturday and I have done little to no prepping for it. I’m not sure why I am lacking in GRIT. I like to believe that I use to have a good amount of GRIT. However, since sophomore year, I feel like it’s been greatly diminished. My problem isn’t doing the work, it’s getting started. It also doesn’t help that I’m more of a night owl. I wish I could do my work during the day, but I lack all motivation to do it. When the sun goes down, though, I seem to have the energy to conquer the world. 

I’m filled with a constant overwhelming stress sometimes. There are many significant factors that add to my stress and I’m unsure of how to handle it all. I know I’m technically still a child and I shouldn’t have to worry about income and how bills will be paid, but I know I could be working right now; however, because of my academic course load my mom doesn’t want me to get a job yet. Then when I don’t do well in calculus and chemistry I feel guilty because I could be working and contributing to the household instead of wasting my time failing two classes. A month ago it was hard for me to find the motivation to do any type of work because I was worried the electric was going to be cut off soon. The only teacher I told was my chemistry teacher because I had recently done my absolute worse on a test and quiz. I underestimate his understanding of life sometimes. He was very sympathetic to my situation and told me to try my best to focus on what I can control, such as school. I’ve been doing my best, but I feel like it’s not enough. 

Then the situation happened with the petty trolls that live in my neighborhood. I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve been physically threatened. Honestly I’m unsure of what would happen if one of those bitches were to put their hands on me. I’ve never let myself get truly angry in my entire life because of how I’ve seen my mother act. However, I was very close when one of the bitches got in my mom’s face. I could see myself wrapping my hands around her throat and not letting go.... that’s why I don’t let myself get angry. I’m like the Hulk. Don’t fuck with me. I actually fear for the girls that want to put their hands on me because I may hurt them to the point of no return. They’ve probably been in fights before and might be stronger, but I’m crazier. The problem though, is that I have a future and these cunts don’t. So, in theory, I have to let them hit me and not hit back so I can get money and send their trashy asses to jail. This all happened because their lame asses have nothing better to do. 

Now... Jacob. At the beginning of the school year we got into a fight and I didn’t speak to him for two months. I honestly hated it, but I wanted him to realize that how he’d been treating me was wrong. In one perspective I have no control of him talking to other girls and I acknowledge that completely, but to say the EXACT same shit to one of my best friends that you say to me is pretty fuckboyish and I simply told him how I felt about it and he didn’t like that I called him out. However, after two months I got my apology, which was a long time to wait for one, but Jacob’s one of my best friends and I care about him so much. He’s just got a bad habit of pissing me off because he’s so stupid and horny most of the time. We didn’t talk for almost a month and I’m not sure if he even realized why I was upset. I just found it annoying how he could be so easily triggered by a little cleavage and he had the audacity to tell me to cover up when I snapchat him. So I decided not to talk to him at all. Last week, he  eventually got the hint and snapchatted me holding up the Sorry! board game as a subtle apology and came over to hang out. Surprisingly we didn’t do anything sexual. All we did was cuddle and it was nice to have my best friend be my best friend and not a friend with benefits. I think the reason I keep forgiving Jacob is because I’m so comfortable with him. I can be naked with him and not feel insecure because he makes me feel safe and confident. I wish he’d be more open with me though, but he’s shared some things with me and I try not to push him. Sometimes I want to go back to the early days of our friendship where sex wasn’t apart of it because I miss the old things we’d talk about. 

I miss Kyle. We can’t hang out anymore because his mom considers me and my mom ghetto. She doesn’t want Kyle coming to my house and I refuse to step foot into hers. She insulted my mother and I want to cause her physical harm. I feel like my friendship with Kyle is changing since we can’t hang out as much as we use to. It makes me sad because Kyle has been my best friend since freshman year. He puts up with all of my shit and he knows how to calm me down and give me a rude awakening when I really need one. I miss him so much. I can’t even text him or else his mother will get mad. Hopefully next year, his mom removes that self-entitled stick from her ass and me and Kyle will be able to resume our normal routine. I miss watching Avatar: The Last Airbender and reciting everything line for line and acting out the bending.

[xokatidoll-blog]

January 1, 2017

It’s been almost a year since I last posted. I guess that really does prove how shitty majority of 2016 was. However summertime was an exception. 

This summer was probably one of my favorite summers because I got to travel so much. I was given the opportunity to visit Boston and be inspired by many different people at the The National Academy for Future Scientists and Technologists. Among the many new states I traveled to my favorite places were Plymouth, MA and Newport, Rhode Island. Now, I’ve never had the desire to visit Plymouth. It was one of those historical places I could die without seeing, but I’m so glad we went. The day was overcast and the perfect temperature. The bay with the boats look like toys for a giant. Everyone was kind. I walked on big rocks and sat on large pieces of driftwood. I tried a lobster roll and fried clams for the first time. I felt so peaceful there. The best part of Plymouth were the daisies. I saw the most perfect daisy ever and suppressed the urge to pick and took a picture of it instead. 

Newport was beautiful. We went on a bright sunny day and it was our last stop in New England. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. We didn’t stay for long sadly but I know I will visit again. We ate at Flo’s Clam Shack, which is really popular, but we weren’t aware of that at the time. Even though we were right on the beach it wasn’t humid. I didn’t feel like I was suffocating like I do when I’m in Charleston. The water was so blue and the sound wasn’t littered with trash and seaweed. Then we took a drive down Ocean Avenue, which of course I thought was neat because it’s one of my favorite songs. There were beautiful gated mansions whose backyard was the ocean. That’s when I decided that I wanted to move there and hopefully one day I will. 

Today I woke up and felt light. I didn’t feel tired. I was wide awake. Today I stood in front of my bedroom window and admired the naked trees and the river and hills behind it. I set goals. I wore a new dress and makeup and felt pretty. I did my mom’s makeup and made her feel pretty. I saw a Buddhist dressed in traditional clothing. I went to Panera and everything I tried was new. I had the Fuji Apple salad with chicken and a turkey cranberry flatbread with acai berry tea. The salad and tea were great and the flatbread was good, but I won’t be ordering the flatbread again. On the way home my mom and I turned the radio up loud and sang all the way home. It was a beautiful day.

Jacob came over... it was eventful. We played cards at first then with each other. I laid on top of him and we grinded on top of each other in my bed and it felt way better that it did the first time we did that. Then that led to him fingering (physical cringe cause I HATE that word) for a bit. He lifted me up several times and I wrapped my legs around him and he placed me on the edge of the bed and continued to explore with his hands. Then it was my turn. The grinding on the bed had set him nearly over the edge. He just wanted a little kiss on the tip, which I gave and a little bit more... I slowly licked up once and put the tip in my mouth a little. He stopped me and asked if I wanted him to finish in my mouth and if I was prepared for that. He even had me some off the tip to see if I’d like the taste. It wasn’t bad, but I knew I wasn’t ready to suck his dick right then & there in my bedroom with my mom so close. And he was completely understanding of course. I just felt bad since I knew it’d be uncomfortable for him.Then we were gonna try to have sex but my nerves took over and stopped that real quick. He said that this would be the last time we did anything like this again. I didn’t want him to leave because I was scared things would become weird between us and he’d be distant. I tried to kiss him, but he turned his head which hurt a little. He said kissing was for people who were dating, but he was completely willing to have sex (eye roll). Jacob kept trying to reassure we were okay and nothing was gonna be weird between us, but I was still scared. He suggested we forget about whatever happen and never talk about, which I was against at first cause it made me feel cheap and like he was ashamed of it happening. It wasn’t until thirty minutes after he left and I was sitting in my bed worrying and about to cry before I decided to STOP worrying and STOP overthinking and decided to go with a flow because it’s a new year and I need to focus on more important things. So I told Jacob that what he suggested was right and that I totally agree with him and I feel much better mentally because of it. Then that’s when I decided that my main focus for 2017 would be to not worry about the little things and to detach myself from there and to focus on what’s important which is my health, my happiness, my sanity, my mom, and my education and future. 

[xokatidoll-blog]

January 7, 2016

Life Ambitions:

-Get accepted to a prestigious college

-Major in Botany, Engineering, and Business & Marketing

-Produce a perfect strain of marijuana with healing properties

-Engineer plant-based and organic medicines 

-Take a year off and explore Europe

-See the Northern Lights

-Walk on pink sand and black sand beaches

-Write a book

-Visit all 50 states

-Skydive, Parasail, paraglide, base jump

- celebrate carnavale in every major city that celebrates it

[xokatidoll-blog]

January 2, 2016

This is my first tumblr post of the new year.  I don’t expect my words to be read by anyone else but me, however I’m not opposed to others reading my nonsense. My goal this year is to not bottle things up anymore... I usually do express my thoughts, but I tend to hide most of them. Some of my friends believe that I rant about the same things and over exaggerate. They think I’m this open book who likes to share everything and anything for attention. It’s not a ridiculous thought. I do tell my friends a lot, but they only get less than half of the big picture... never any of the full details. There is still a lot I keep to myself. 

My inner voice is always angry and sad about certain outcomes I have no control over. I feel like I’m always getting in trouble at home for little and big things. I do accept full responsibility for my actions, but some don’t understand, especially my mother, that I’ve lived with the idea that I have to be perfect in academics and everything in life to be successful. My mom put that idea in my head and she expects me to be perfect all the time. However that is impossible and I think I’m finally starting to crack under the pressure of being expected to do and act perfect all the time. 

On my first report card I had all A’s and one C. The number value of the C was an 83, which by college standards is a B. The C was also in my hardest class, Math III Stem, a new type of math that has never been taught before but is kind of like Pre-Calculus. I am two years advanced in math. I also take all honors classes and one ap class with no study hall. My mom never understood how much I was really trying and pushing myself and how hard it really is to juggle everything at once and still remain sane. I felt so put down and discouraged by mom and all I focused on was that C I had. I tried to tell her how her lack of positive reinforcement was affecting me in a negative way, but I just got lectured on how I was disrespectful and selfish and basically didn’t earn praise because I was such a bad daughter. Well by the end of the semester two of my grades had dropped to B’s and I still have one C. My mom didn’t see how much it was straining me mentally until one school night I was surrounded by notes and textbooks from three different classes and crying because I was so stressed. All she told me was to try my best and not to stress, that a few B’s were okay, but two months ago she was making me feel terrible because I had one C. Also worth mentioning was the tone in which she told me to try my best. It wasn’t comforting, it just sounded more annoyed. When she got home from work the next day, she finally told me that she never realized how much I pushed myself academically and that being perfect was only for crazy people... after she talked to a coworker. I’m glad that she acknowledged how much I stressed myself but I still have not received an apology or even acknowledgement of how bad she made me feel about myself for most of first semester. My mom is the only person in this world who makes me feel completely bad about myself.

However I still love my mom. It’s just hard to be constantly held to such high expectations all the time. I feel like every little mistake I make is the worse thing ever and my mom treats me like I’m the world’s worst daughter. I’m honestly trying. I can’t explain the reason I do stupid thinks. It’s usually because I’m not thinking about the consequences or assume there won’t be any. I am a teenager. My frontal lobe isn’t fully connected. In my mom’s eyes I make mistakes cause I lack common sense and only have book smarts or I’m just a terrible daughter. Some days I feel like I can’t last another two years with my mom, yet she wants me to stay for four years and spend my first two years of college living with her in this small minded town. Haha not happening. 

My mom is very hypocritical. She claims to be this positive person who takes in other people’s negative thoughts and projects positive thoughts to them. Well you know what she does with those negative thoughts? She projects them onto me. Nothing is ever good enough for my mom. She let’s everything bother her and constantly holds grudges.One day a cashier shorted her forty cents and she let that ruin her day. And she ranted about it while I was in the car on the way to a friend’s house. Initially I was happy getting in the car, but my mom literally killed my vibe and all could think about was how badly I wanted out of the car. She also recently got a new Coach purse and wallet and all she did was complain about how much smaller it was than her old purse and wallet and every crack she notices in the leather. Or one time at the store someone left a to go cup on a shelf and she ranted about it and then got angry when I didn’t care. That old cup was harming my health. I honestly don’t look forward to mom coming home from work because I know I’m going to have to listen to her rant and complain about people. She projects all of that negativity onto me. Then I’ll try to tell her good things that happened to me that day, but she’ll usually interrupt with another detail she left out about her terrible day at work or won’t acknowledge it. Or if I was having problems at school, like a terrible teacher or people in general, her problems are always bigger and more significant than mine. I’ve accepted that this is how my mom is, but it just gets harder the older I get to listen to my mom complain about everything wrong in life.

Maybe she’s the reason I don’t handle negative situations the right way. I just pretend I don’t care and they don’t bother me, but that’s because I’ve seen my mom get angry so easily and hold grudges for so long. I don’t want to be that type of person. Life is too short for that. I want to be happy and positive person and that’s my goal for the next two years. It may sound naive, but I would like to start college off in the right mental state and to focus on the good not the bad.

#personal rant #journal #journey #life #therapy #positive #thoughts #new year #teen #teenager #school #health #hell