yanikonic
야 니 yani
||¦||¦¦ic🖖🏼|| EPIKHIGHskool🖤 || Carat💎 🌙🌊🪄
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Tapos na ako magmanifest sa new phone. Now, ✨manifesting✨ and 🙏🏻praying🙏🏻 hard for a better company, applied job post, and a higher salary by 2nd half of 2024! 🩵
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Napanaginipan ko si Papa while I was taking a nap during my lunch time. It's the first time in a long while na natandaan ko.
Setting was we were sitting down - ako sa sala set, sya sa sahig, si Mama din. Mama seemed like she's folding clothes while Papa was smoking malapit sa pinto. Place is unfamiliar - pero the home looks nice and decent kasi maganda yung set at naka-tiles.
I dunno but it looked like I was telling them something, until I kept saying to Papa na "Papa diba wag mo muna ako kukunin ha? Wag mo muna ako kunin. Kailangan pa nila ako dito. Wag muna ha?" out of the blue. Then he replied something along the lines of "Oo. Hindi pa hintayin pa kita lumaki" which made me sobbing hard in that dream. Then I woke up.
I miss you, Papa. Please guide me in all my decisions.
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I've had my shortcomings, yes I know. Some even done deliberately. I dunno. I'm just... done? I guess.
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When you've been through the worst in all aspects, you will know your self worth more. You will value perspective, appreciate wisdom, and love genuineness of people. You will discover how strong you are, and how courageous you must've been to work on yourself towards a better path. You will desire peace and quiet. You will hold on to your faith.
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These kind of messages I will not get again. Thank you Papa for always being easy-going. I miss you everyday.
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Papa, it's been 22 days since you passed. Pakiramdam ko pa rin nag-drive ka lang somewhere. Still feels so surreal. Si Mama lagi pinapanuod video mo na kumakanta, or pinapatugtog yung mga paborito mo just so she can fall asleep a bit better. She always says "kailangan kayanin" maybe when people asks her how she is doing since you left. My brother already went back to school and focuses maybe because that was his promise to you... na magtatapos sya. Me? Here alone sa sala kung saan kasama kita palagi noon. I keep the house clean, hopefully enough. Papasok na ako ulit sa work bukas. I was lucky to be given an ample time to grieve and get used to being alone at night. You used to be with me at these hours, either playing on your phone or sleeping. Sometimes inaaway kita because of little things... malakas tunog nung laro or pinapanuod mo sa phone, amoy yosi ka, o kaya naman kasi ayaw mo pa matulog kahit maaga ka pa gigising o pagod ka. Little things I got so used to that I might've taken for granted at times. I was lucky to have you as my father indeed. Sabi mo nga kay Ateng saan kaya ako hahanap ng katulad mo bilang asawa. True enough, no one may compare to a standard like you are. I was spoiled and well loved all those 28 years you were with us.
My anxiety kicks in at times, and makes me overthink that I never got to know you as you, you know. I only knew you as a father, a husband, a son and brother, but maybe not so much as an individual. I didn't even know your favorite color, your hobbies aside from drawing and basketball, or other favorites. I never get to ask the Artist you like, or the food you really loved. I am sorry I became a disappointment at some days. You never said it but I know. I'm sorry we fought a few times and maybe have said hurtful things. I am sorry I never got to personally tell you "I love you", as I wasn't the verbal type too. I wonder if your love language towards others is "Acts of service"? You do everything for us, not much complaints, even kahit pagod ka na. Kasi sabi mo sa iba, mahal mo kasi kami kaya ganoon. I wonder how you would like to receive love language in return? Was it acts of service too? Through words of affirmation? Or Maybe getting gifts? I will never know. But I do hope I at least made you happy and proud a few times over.
Pa, give me more courage and wisdom to move forward everyday. Ang bilis, almost a month na kaagad 'yon? Alam mo ba, our cats never leave us alone when sleeping... all 3 of us have at least one cat guarding us as we fall asleep and move to dreamland. Maybe to keep us company. Mahal na mahal ka namin Papa. Sobrang salamat sa buhay mo, kasi we never felt alone in our journey... despite all we have been through. Nag-adjust ka nung nadiagnose kami magkapatid for depression. You always are with me kahit na madaling araw at gusto ko lang mag-siopao, or mag milk tea. Miss na miss na kita Papa. Sana masaya ka sa langit kasama ni Nanay, Tate, lahat ng kakilala mo... at ang Diyos. Tell me everything when we see each other again there... and I will still tell you my stories of travel, and anything else like how I always do.
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well... my BlackBerry 8707G still works! 🥹
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how amazing can these be? luxurious gifts indeed 🥹🫶🏻 thank you for always making me feel important and well-loved 😭
who needs a boyfriend when you have friends to give you gifts and take you out on a random date? 🩵
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mahal na mahal namin kayo palagi, aming iKON 🫶🏻
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my 20y/o canon 35mm film camera 🥹
used for my photojournalism days in elementary and brings so much memories 🫶🏻 it still works! 🩵
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iKON is my escape from my harsh reality and sad truth. 🙃 I feel better seeing them. I look forward to the next days when I listen to them. I am happy when I watch them. At least, because of them, I become the person I always pray to be... happy... even for a short while. 🙂
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I may not have the softest heart, but I have an extremely fragile mind. 🙃
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thank you always, iKON for making me hold on to dear life
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I appreciate my friends so much for always asking how I am, for wanting to make me happy, or relaxed, or calm. I'm sorry for all the sad and stressful stories. I hope you guys weren't burdened by it. I'm sorry I can't be the jolly me all the time, which you must be all used to have around. I guess that's what depression and anxiety does to people. I wish you won't get tired of me, because I often get tired of myself and my life. It's tiring to always try to look okay when you're not. It's tiring to think positively when my mind crumbles in pieces most of the time. But please know that you guys are what makes life bearable. You are what makes it worth staying. It gets too heavy sometimes all I can do is cry and rant. Thank you for listening, for simply just being there and letting me be me. I pray and hope you guys will always be happy and have people to hug you if you need comfort. Great friends like you deserve the love, success, happiness. I love you all.
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"HIRAYA" is such a beautiful word with a deep meaning. If I'll ever get to have a daughter of my own, someday, this has always been a name I would have given her. And since I love the moon, too... probably Luna Hiraya ♥️
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This is my new favorite photo of us. At last, we had some decent pictures together. What did I do to deserve you, really? 🥹
Thank you, for always being with me. For bringing me to a week-long vacation and reminding me not to be anxious whenever you notice I am about to "panic internally".
I am sorry if I am stubborn at times, or if you get frustrated over my "too reserved" and always in the "comfort zone" self. But you know, I appreciate you looking out for me, every single time. Allowing me to hug you, look for you, and be clingy whenever (especially when I'm drunk), even though we both know you hate the clingy type. 🥴
Despite the long distance friendship we've had since you went permanently in the US, until now you're living your married life in Swizterland. I always tell you this anyway, but I will probably never get tired in doing so. Thank you. I love you, my soul sister. 👭🏻
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