hannahday3

[hannahday3]

The heart grows brutal from feeding on fantasies.

From In Defense of Allusion by Robert Pinsky (via lamemily)

[hannahday3]

[hannahday3]

/joaquin screams in the distance/

[hannahday3]

Letting go.

Such an easy phrase. Yet we all are scared by it; what it entails, what's the meaning behind it, how it happens, how we accomplish this. Sometimes letting go can be one of the best things to happen to a person finally just letting go. Not only because this gives them a new freedom, but because maybe, just maybe they will become happier. This concept of letting go is one that many wish they could do and the few that actually can. Letting go can take a long time, but once you actually do it, you might be happy, more than likely you will feel as if you've been hit by a bus. Just think of it this way, you get hit by this said bus, but then if you didn't let go, you could be hurt a lot worse, by bigger things. Its scary. I know. I'm not one to let go myself, not because I cant, ( that is a apart of it) but I like to see what happens, how everything comes to a halt, or keeps going. Plus you cant let everything go..... I mean you could, but that might kill you. Yet, sometimes when you let go, its doesn't let you leave, those are the best moments, when you honestly cant let go, because there is struggle, and you realize that maybe you don't need to let go, that you shouldn't because whatever you are letting go of, just wont let it happen. But when there is no struggle, that's when you can let out a breath because you know you are doing the right thing, because if there is no struggle it was meant for you to leave it in your past. sometimes we try to let go, even when its the last thing we want, just to see if its the right thing or not. Its just about how to do it, and how to do it right, and if you do , what it means for you, what will happen. See, so many things in one little phrase. A phrase that will always have an underlying meaning to it.

#letting #go #free #bye #stay #struggle #cant #will #life #sad #sadness #done #future #past #happiness #scary #scared #hold #on #try

[hannahday3]

Errrmmerrgerrrdd, so cute!

#animals #cute #repost #puppies #happy

[hannahday3]

Christmas.

Christmas... Hmm... Christmas, is just a day full of too high of expectations, and disappointment, when they aren't met. Christmas, is a day we devote to family, while everyday we should do that. We should cherish our family and give them gifts more often, not just on one day a year. Then there are the people that only care about gifts, and money. They don't realize that material possessions mean nothing. That when you're dead, they are not going with you. Its so pointless. I love Christmas, but I hate the concept about it. Don't get me wrong. Christmas is a lovely holiday. But seriously the consumerism behind it is ridiculous. Just a little rant.

#rant #christmas #life #stupid #quotes #everyday #family #cherish

[hannahday3]

Crazy.

You make me go crazy. With the insane up and downs you give me. The intense want deep inside my stomach. The way my face heats up when you say something. Or when I get a text that makes me smile, so much so, that my jaw aches. You make me want to be by you, just have a single touch. Physical interaction, not even sexual, just you. You are making me go insane, with just the thought of you. I want every single piece, good or bad. Anything. I crave it. You said that I was using you for entertainment, which I would never use you in the first place, but second of all it would be for pleasure. You make me happy. You will never quite understand how much I have fallen for you because you don't yet know my past. And know how big of a step this is for me to feel this way towards anyone since him. Since saying for the first time ever towards a guy, that I loved him. And meaning it, losing myself to him. Giving him everything I had. And trusting him more than myself. And after he destroyed every last thing I had mentally, its been hard. But its so crazy, that hes made me forget about him, not feel a single things towards a person, I used to cry over, and hate myself. Hate myself. How horrible. He made me hate everything about myself, and purposely made me feel bad towards myself, and made me think that I was lucky to have him, and that he was so much better than me, and I would never be able to be good enough for him. So now with this crazy man, if it ends badly, I am going to be destroyed even worse, because he's made me forget the bad, and love the good. I am falling, fast. And its scaring the shit out of me.

#love #boys #quotes #life #crazy #falling #for #him #scared #happy #smile #in love #falling in love #heart

[hannahday3]

Want.

Want. Or a lust. Similar, yet so different. Have you ever, wanted someone so bad, that you would do just about anything to be.... "with" them. You wonder what it would be like, and if its anything like you want it to be. A want. One where all you can think about is the whole situation playing out. You have a sensation, that you've experienced before, but not like this. They make you want more, than you ever have before. You would give just about anything to fulfill the want, or a lust. Anything. All you need is them. All you want is them.

#fulfil #lust #want #quotes #sensation

[hannahday3]

Banana Pancakes.

Listen to the song Banana Pancakes, by Jack Johnson. Just listen to the lyrics... I love this song. I wish I had someone like this. That wanted to make me their world, not worry about anything. Not work, not what's going on outside. Someone that doesn't care what's going on, they just want to be with you and that's all they need... This song is beautiful.

"Just so easy When the whole world fits inside of your arms"

#banana #pancakes #jake #johnson #lyrics #song #love #life #someone #arms #quotes

[hannahday3]

The Question.

Well, I asked him the question.

"Can you lose something, if you don't have it?"

He said "Yes"

I guess that answers my question. I can lose him, even if I don't and never have had him.

Great.

#sad #question #yes #lose #something #someone #life #love #him #never

[hannahday3]

Blah.

dToday, today is just a bunch of nothingness. It's neither a good day, nor a bad day. But its bad enough, where I just want it to be over. It's a day I don't want to be repeated. Its consisted of ups and downs, more downs than ups. I hate where my life is now, and how I am feeling. I just wish things would be a little different from where they are. Here I am all alone, in the middle of nowhere, while my mom and her boyfriend go get high. The dogs are freaking out and barking at the front door, which does bother somewhat. Considering, we don't really have neighbors and are surrounded by corn fields.... Yes, I am scared. I'm not scared to die, but I am scared of being murdered. My house is freezing, as we don't have a heating system and the fire is out. My internet is shit, and the tv... Wait, what tv? I never knew how much I would actually hate being home. It sucks, and I would rather be someone where else. I would love to take a road trip right now. Somewhere warm, I want to see the ocean. that is if I make it through tonight, and the murderers. I am debating on whether to delete my Facebook, right now the main reason I want to keep it, is just because of Spotify, because my Spotify is connected through Facebook, so if I delete Facebook, does my Spotify delete? I also want to shut of all communication with people, I don't really want to talk to anyone, anymore. Not till I go back to school, because I just want to figure things out, and make myself happy. I want to just, just, I don't know. Live. By myself, with myself. Not dealing with other people, and how they make me feel. Which usually is bad.

Because my mind is conflicting right now. I want to stop talking to him, but I know if I do that. I will lose him all together... But can I lose him, if I've never had him? That's the question, I feel like I would be losing him... But I don't have him, so how can I? Its just so difficult, which it shouldn't be. This is why I don't like talking to guys. Because they are so not worth the pain, that I've been dealing with. I honestly can say, I wish I wasn't in this situation anymore. It sucks. It. Fucking. Sucks. You fucking suck. My family fucking sucks. Treating me like complete shit, and then leaving me here to die. Haha over dramatic with that last part, because I doubt I am about to die.. But If I do congratulations, you will be the ones reading my last thoughts. Which, in that case.. I want everything to go to charity. Except my stuffed dog, Casey, he goes to my dad. Otherwise, Fuck all of you. I am so fucking positive, aren't I? I can say I am a good person, by giving everything to charity. But that's because I would have someone take my stuff and hopefully make a better life for themselves, then what I do right now. But the thing is, my life isn't even that bad. To me it is, because I am just depressed, not suicidal yet, not back to that yet. I am not stuck yet. Just depressed, and now that I am saying that, I am more than likely bipolar, I honestly think I am. But Oh well. Screw everyone. lolol I am in such a horrible mood, this is ridiculous, I need to go to sleep. But oh there's a car? My moms? Maybe my murderers.

#depressed #life #sad #murdered #hate #bad #day #mood #over #dramatic #fuck #people #quotes #horrible #facebook #rant #hannah #jenkins #uprush

[hannahday3]

Ex'es

 I get it, only sometimes do you lose complete feelings for someone, that you might have loved, someone that you were with. So if they come back, and make it plain that they want you. Two of them. Then I can see, that you would consider going to one of them, the one that maybe you lost, and you would love another chance with... I cant compete with ex'es or anyone really. Competition is something I don't do. I wish I did, I would fight with everything I have.  I just don't do confrontation, plus, they have a part of you that I don't have. I guarantee one of them will get you back, and I will be here. I just don't know what to do anymore.

#ex #exs #bye #love #boys #life #broken #heart #miss #you #sad #depressed #quotes #uprush #hannah #jenkins

[hannahday3]

Pain.

Most of you have felt that searing pain, left by someone that's taken your heart. When you finally realize, that maybe, just maybe, they don't want you like they said they did. When they made you believe that they wanted you, that they wanted to be the one that changed your thoughts on how people were. The feeling when your breath is stolen from you, for a second you cant breathe, because the pain is too much. When your stomach is in knots, and it feels as someone has dissected you and took our your heart, and isn't going to put it back in. The part, when you try to hold back the tears, that want to fall down your cheeks.. The worst part, is when you finally were at a spot when you were perfect, and happy, and you thought, you know... This could work, and if it does, this could be the best thing. Maybe, just maybe, he will prove me wrong, and I wont get hurt. Then BAM... Out of nowhere, he drops the bombs, and you know... You just know, his feelings have changed. He doesn't want you, like he did. Something has happened. The earth shifted. No longer, is he something within your reach. The pain.. The pain, is the worst. This pain, is not the pain I can tolerate. It just hurts, and you cant stop thinking about them. You cant stop thinking about him or her. You cant get them out of your head, what they said, what they meant to you. What they became to you. What you imagined for you future. Them in your future. Happiness, bliss. But nothing good, ever stays. I just wish it came without the pain. Especially if you are already depressed, you relied on them, they are what made days okay, they are what made your days worth living, worth being in, and when they leave, it goes back to that darkness.

#pain #heart #break #heartbreak #love #boys #girls #in #quotes #life #hannah #jenkins #uprush #sad #depressed #miss #you

[hannahday3]

The moments, when every damn time I see a wolf, I am reminded of you. When will this stop. I dont want a beautiful creature, made ugly by thoughts of you. Leave me alone.

#wolf #you #stop #beautiful #creature

[hannahday3]

Keeping me alive.

Writing. Writing is the only thing keeping me alive. Keeping me sane. What else would I do. I love to write. Its the one time that I can say something about how I feel, what's going on in my life. And not get totally judged from it. People are so judgmental these days, its ridiculous. If something's wrong, its you. Its all you. There is no way its someone else, or something else. If its wrong its because YOU and only YOU made it that way. Its so shitty. Everything is so fucking shitty. Life is something you shouldn't take for granted, but Jesus Christ. Sometimes I don't see the point. We all live to make others happy, to make money and raise kids. Work for the system. Then we die. We live our whole lives and all we do Is work. We are taught that the only way we can be happy is with a job. But we are constantly scrutinized. I just don't fucking get it. Its so god damn pointless... This is what bad moods do to me. I just get so fed up with anything. I want to go and sleep for days, and not have to deal with anyone. Not have to see anyone. Not have to worry about if someone is okay, and happy. Even though I love seeing if people are happy, I love helping. Sometimes I just want to be away from it all. Not have a phone, not have a worry. Because it sucks. It sucks being 'that person'. Sometimes I just hate people. I cant do anything about it, but sometimes people just... suck. They absolutely suck. I just want to be with one person. It sucks. I think I am just all sorts of fucked up to think this. But. I don't know what else. So.. Whatever. Just write.

#alive #life #write #hannah #jenkins #uprush #depression #people #suck #hate #anger #angry

[hannahday3]

You.

I'm talking to you. Yes you. You, the one that stole me heart. You have my heart. I don't know what you're going to do with it. I hope you keep it safe, I hope you don't re-open the scars. Because, you have me attached. You have me, all of me. I've given you everything. I don't know if you know this yet, I don't think you do. But I L...like you a lot. Or at least I think I do... I write poetry about you. I think about you. I want to be with you every moment. I want to fall asleep with you, and wake up to you. You make me smile, you make me laugh. We talk constantly. More than anything I want you. I want all of you, the good the bad and everything in between. And right now, I would love that, and embrace it fully. I was never one to settle, never to just make do with what I have. Even though I don't have you yet. I want you to know, everything about me, even the bad. The stuff I haven't told a lot of people. The stuff I didn't even tell the first guy I said I love you to, and fell in love with. I was too scared of his judgment, I don't believe you would judge me. But  I cant lose  you to myself. I'm considering, and have been considering, just stopping talking to you. Because it would be so much easier, it would be hard because I think im falling. But It would be easier for me, because I already push people away that mean the most, and you are becoming one of those people. I don't want to push you away by being a total bitch, but if I just stop talking to you. You cant do anything. I am not good with relationships, especially since what happened last time. I know that I shouldn't think so much, and I know that you wont do the same thing as he did. But if you did, I don't think I would be able to repair myself this time, and I could not bare you being with anyone else. Man, I am fucked up. I don't know what to do. I know, I know I am overthinking, but this is what I do, I overthink. I just am getting too in. I don't want you to hate me. Im scared of myself, and my stupid insecurities. I wish that I could help myself. I wish that I wasn't depressed most of the time. I wish I knew if I had a purpose in life. And I wish I didn't have the past that I have, because I don't know if you would like that person. But wishing isn't going to do anything. Wishing is going to make me feel worse, and wishing wont help me out. I think I am just stressed out because of  going home. I have to go home for break, and they are just so negative. I cant do it. I cant be in that environment, but I have to. And you will be my only release, my only hope. So If I stop talking to you now, I don't know what I am going to do . But, I think it might be the best option. I know that I shouldn't be so, stupid about my feelings, especially about a boy. But still. This is me, exposed.

#exposed #depressed #sad #boys #love #life #quotes #hannah #jenkins #uprush #help #wish #want #no #good #scared #you

[hannahday3]

Deep dark feelings.

You know, those feelings you have towards someone. You want them to be a secret you don't want them to know how you really feel. Yes. I know exactly what you are feeling. Except. He. Already knows. He knows exactly how I feel, and whether that is a good or bad thing I will never know. Im so scared. Can you relate? When someone is changing what you once knew as true. When someone before broke you heart truly, and you couldn't even think about anyone else, or really anything else. 

I want nothing to do with it. I have too much baggage. I never thought that could be true, but it is. I have so many problems. I'd rather not have to drag him into them. I am telling my self to just let things happen. See where this goes, because no matter what happens, I would be hurt already, if he walked away. So why not see? But what if I get hurt even more. I want him. But what if I cant have him? What if he ends up hating me..... I couldn't deal with that.... I couldn't do it... It scares me to no other. Do you face your fears? Or do you stop before its too late? What would you do in this situation, listen to your brain or you heart?... Why is this so difficult, if it werent for you W I would be fine. I wouldn't have to deal with this, because I wouldn't be broken. I never knew you were going to do that. But you know I am glad, because I wouldn't be where I am now, with who I am with now. I wouldn't be the same person. And I wouldn't know what its like to have your heart broken. I now am experienced, I now know the pain of your heart literally feeling like its shattered. Crying over someone that I never should have. Feeling like shit.. Over someone obviously not worth my time. You suck. and I hate you. When you texted me... I think that's when I finally got over you. I just needed some closure which you didn't give me before.  I just need to get over my insecurities, and see where life takes me. Everything does happen for a reason. I just need to let that 'everything' happen.. I hope I am good enough. Take a chance Hannah, that's all I need to tell myself.

#boy #boys #love #life #him #scared #feelings #quotes #hannah #jenkins #uprush #help