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[redneck-heartbreak]

“If I should speak, then let it be of the GRACE that is GREATER that ALL my Sin…”

Sat at my desk in my room at Bible College, a few hundred miles from home after a fairly lousy week, I can honestly say that I. LOVE. MY. GOD.

This week, I’ve really struggled with a mental health lapse. On Tuesday, my bank card broke leaving me without access to my (already ridiculously limited) money. On Wednesday, Luke (boyfriend), Andrew (best friend and all round hero) and I went to Newcastle to worship with Matt Redman, Kari Jobe and 2000 other hearts passionate about seeing the name of Jesus lifted high above EVERY season, situation and circumstance. A night that I’d been SO excited for was the exact same night that my depression decided to make a huge, and totally unannounced comeback. On Thursday, I simply could not get out of bed and on Friday I was involved in a motoring incident (just after dropping my boyfriend off at his counselling appointment). During the incident, I swerved to avoid an out of control, speeding, boy racer who was flying into a ninety degree bend on a wet country lane in Derbyshire. In swerving I hit a slippery muddy patch and, as I corrected my cars turning point, was greeted with an absolutely hideous noise that I wrongly assumed to be the side panel of my car being scratched. The offending driver did not stop, I pulled in 200 yards from the scene and got out to inspect what I thought was paintwork damage to find no scratches *praise the Lord* but a HUGE hole in the outer wall of my tyre on the front passenger side. A hole, by the way, three inches long by one inch wide that spanned the entire depth of my tyre which was consequently flat as a pancake. After a little reassurance from Andrew, I managed to limp the car back to College on a slither of air and a (fortunately) very forgiving alloy rim. Andrew eventually managed to get the spare wheel on and on Saturday I took a trip to Formula One in Chesterfield where the lovely guys fitted a new tyre with a lifetime warranty (though I’m hoping I won’t need it!) F1 also fixed my dangerously off kilter tracking. Today, all I wanted to do was collapse into a heap in sheer thankfulness that the week was FINALLY over - and for the most part of the day that is precisely what I did!

I am what one would call an “arty-farty” individual and an avid fan of Bible Journalling. So tonight, after returning from an evening at Nando's, I decided to (finally) add colour to my “permission page”. When I’d finished, I plugged in mine Luke’s headphones and started listening to worship music when Big Daddy Weave started playing. The particular track was “My Story” (listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TKAN-nAsu8). I’ve heard the track before and have been a lover of the lyrics from my first listen, but tonight I heard it in a completely different way. Tonight I was challenged to make known a story about a GREAT BIG GOD, a God who I absolutely know to be pure, true and faithful, a God with a love so ridiculously relentless, a God with both the ability and desire to not only see you - but to want to make you His very own possession - whilst you were at your worst. Yes, a God that sees you whilst you’re cheating, speeding, fibbing, watching porn, stealing etc and STILL looks down from His eternal throne and says “I. WANT. THAT. MAN”, “I. WANT. THAT. WOMAN”…Does he agree with your lifestyle? No, but He is MADLY in love with you. So, whilst tonight I could be giving in and writing suicide notes, I am here tonight to tell you a story of grace so great, a love so ridiculous, a forgiveness so complete. I am here tonight to introduce you to a wonder working, faithful, healer who is completely besotted with you. A God so big, with a love so deep and a presence so strong that He CAN and WILL reach down into whatever pit you are drowning in a pull you out, clean you completely, forgive your mistakes and set you on a new path in relationship with Him - relationship with Him, relationship with the King of Heaven - imagine.

Tonight, I dare you to join your story with His story, allow Him to turn your test into a testimony, your mess into a message and your darkest night into your brightest light. THAT is my King, He is NOT the God of stained glass windows, He is the God of broken hearts, the healer of all sickness, the forgiver of all sin, the master of all problems, the Father of all children, the perfect comforter, the perfecter peace giver, the perfect chain-breaker and the perfect person to invite into your heart RIGHT NOW! IF that’s you, if you have been missing the answer all this time, if you’ve searched in every place, if you’ve taken every pill, read every book, watched every clip, seen every picture, diced with the law, slept with the whole earth and you’re STILL searching for the answer then please allow me to introduce you to Him. His name is Jesus Christ. If you want to invite Him to change your story like He’s changed mine, simply ask Him. If you don’t have the words, you can borrow mine; “Father God, I thank you so much for inviting me into relationship with you - tonight I choose to accept that invitation, tonight I choose to come home. Jesus I thank you for being willing to take my place, I thank you for dying on the cross to save me from the punishment I deserved for all of the time’s I’ve screwed it up - right now, I confess that I have messed things up so often and I choose to receive your free forgiveness. Holy Spirit, please come into my life and change me from the inside out so in such a way that I will never be the same again. Thank you for walking beside me. I thank you God for saving me, Amen”.

What next?

IF YOU PRAYED FOR THE FIRST TIME; Welcome to the family, please tell someone about your decision to follow Jesus (if you have no-one else to tell please tell me!) Get reading a Bible (if you can’t get access to a hard copy, there are heaps of online resources such as Bible Gateway, link: https://www.biblegateway.com). Pray always and without ceasing - talking to God (prayer) is easy and free, you can talk out loud, quietly in your head, God always listens and answers prayer - stay alert. Get yourself to a Church, there are lots of great churches with different styles of services - try and few and choose the one you’re most comfortable with (for help finding a Church, try Find a Church, link: www.findachurch.co.uk). Get yourself linked with local Christians, message me, let’s grow together.

IF YOU PRAYED THIS FOR THE *NOT* FIRST TIME; Welcome back home, recommitting your life to Jesus is the best decision you could have possibly made! All of the about “first time” advice is also applicable to you and your journey. Feel free to message me and share your story.

IF THIS MADE YOU SMILE; Maybe you didn’t pray this prayer - maybe you’re not in a place to connect with God or maybe (hopefully) you’re already walking with Jesus. If so, you’re just as important. I challenge you to share your story with your friends, together we can set this world on fire for the King of Kings. All of the about “first time” advice is also applicable to you and your journey. Feel free to message me and share your story.

I love you guys SO much, I’ll be sharing more of my story very, very, soon. For now, peace out and God Bless you abundantly! L-Star x

#depression #anxiety #mental health #illness #mental illness #mental breakdown #recovery #relapse #jesus #christian #salvation #prayer #big daddy weave #music #worship #youtube #release #kari jobe #matt redman #newcastle #newcastle city hall #best friend #boyfriend #text post #invitation #father #god #story #my story #personal

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Tattoo virginity lost.

#semicolonproject

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Tattoo virginity lost.

#semicolonproject

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Struggle strong. Definitely FIGHT!

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Tomorrows work snack box!

#fitblr #clean eating #snacks #health #fitness #gym #food #fuel

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DEAR [[CHURCH]] LEADERS, [[SCHOOL]] TEACHERS & [[RULE]] MAKERS;

*Warning; This blog is going to get uncomfortable, it is going to scrape down to the bone and then scrape further, it may make you feel victimised, it will hopefully make you re-think your preconceptions and re-model your actions. The writer of this blog makes no apologies for any of these facts, in fact she hopes that it makes you cringe and squirm and question your ideas because it is often only through becoming uncomfortable ourselves that we can make others feel more comfortable in being theirselves*.

 Dear Church leaders, school teachers and rule makers,

There are many things that I wish I could tell you about the world of mental ill health, so many experiences that I wish I could accurately describe to you, so many moments that I wish I could enable you to live through and see through another perspective. You see, 20% of children/youth aged between 13-18 live with a mental health condition – that’s huge, and it’s not just an issue for young people – 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience a mental health problem each year. (For more stats see ‘Mind’; http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/statistics-and-facts-about-mental-health/how-common-are-mental-health-problems/). If you think you don’t know anyone suffering with mental ill health, think again. Look around you dear Church leader, school teacher, rule maker – open your eyes to the world around you, the very real world around you. Open your eyes to a broken human population. Open your eyes to reality.

Dear Church leaders, school teachers and rule makers,

Gone are the days where there was just one person within a village suffering. Gone are the days where we locked people up and cut away sections of their brains. Gone are the days where we shamed and stigmatised people, adding to the already crushing weight of their conditions. Or are they? You see, dear church leader, school teacher, rule maker, we are still locking people away by not affording them opportunities to share their stories publicly, we are still cutting away sections of peoples brains when we only see them through the light of their illness and we constantly tap away at them, making sure to remind them to “not take on too much”, we are still shaming and stigmatising people. Every. Single. Day. There is one death every forty seconds via suicide worldwide, that means that whilst you’ve been reading this at least one person has taken the decision to end their life – and rest assured that in the world right now, many more are debating that decision, planning their next move, biding their time until they take that final step – that step that they believe will remove their pain. But it’s okay isn’t it dear church leader, school teacher, rule maker, because you don’t know anyone affected – or if you do, you only know one person, one little person who’s story is insignificant and shouldn’t be shared because who else could possibly learn anything from the horrors that they have endured? Who else could possibly take anything away from something so very personal? Of course, their stories are far too horrifying to share, so we silence them and slowly but surely we once again lock people away, cut sections from their brains and add shame and stigma to their condition.

Dear Church leaders, school teachers and rule makers,

Why is it that we can talk so openly about “the big C”, the uncontrollable replication of cells leading to tumours that change people’s lives forever – whether treatable or terminal. Why is it that we can talk so openly about horrors such as world wars, terror attacks and child abuse? Why is it that we like to discuss past events? Is it to educate the younger generation? – In part. Is it to draw lessons from such events? – Highly likely. So, why do we attempt to silence the rising problem of mental ill health? Or, even worse, joke about it? In every other area of life, it seems logical to address problems and to reach out our hand to help people up, so why not mental health issues dear church leader, school teacher, rule maker?

Dear Church leaders, school teachers and rule makers,

You have what it takes to be the difference. You hold the keys to unlock people, you hold the scalpel and you can put it down before you remove yet another chunk of someone’s brain, you can choose to speak life affirming truth over people’s lives rather than agreeing with a generation of stigma lovers.

Dear Church leaders, school teachers and rule makers,

This is where it gets real. This is where it gets uncomfortable. This is where you have to get real about how much you really know about mental health, commit to bridging the gap in your knowledge and strive to be the change you want to see within this generation and within this world.

Dear Church leaders, school teachers and rule makers,

Do you want to know why a nineteen year old girl with major clinical depression, generalised anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, a permanently scarred body and countless suicide attempts under her belt is writing you this letter? The answer is simple – I have had enough of you and your stupidly simplistic worldview that seems to believe that people with mental ill health need to do life in isolation, that we can put a time limit on our illness and that we can “snap out of it” on demand. I have had enough of being told that my story is not appropriate to be shared publicly. I have had enough of hearing your voices drone on and on about this crisis, that crisis, this government policy, that government policy when all the time there are people sitting at your feet in desperate need of a word that would make them feel like they’re not alone, like they don’t have to struggle and fight silently, that it is okay to not be okay, that it is fine to be hurting, that being an inpatient is okay, being an outpatient is okay, that being mentally ill is okay and that recovering is also okay. I am sick of you locking people away, removing sections of their brains and stigmatising them because these are beautiful people, Godly people, lovely people, intelligent people and if you just shut up, stepped aside and put down your microphone you may hear the sound of them rising up and being empowered to live out their lives boldly, courageously and without fear. So, yes, church leaders, school teachers and rule makers I am talking to you. The clock is ticking, there are people slipping through the net every single day.

Dear Church leaders,

You have been given an amazing opportunity and you are positioned with power to change the shape of people lives. Yes, you deserve respect but you are not without fault. Yes, you deserve to be given the platform but you are not the only one with a story, a talent or a calling. Yes, you have a pulpit but you need discernment to know what to preach from it.  Revelation 12:11 tells us how victory happens – by the blood of the Lamb AND the word of the testimony. This blog post started as an idea to educate others following an ugly encounter with an anonymous person in an anonymous Church last week who, when approached about the possibility of testifying to God’s goodness in my life during my ongoing battle with mental health, knocked the wind out of my sails by saying that my story of depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicide and inpatient care was inappropriate to share with people within Church. Dear Church leaders, so many of your congregation are likely to be either directly or indirectly affected by mental health at some point within their lives and I firmly believe that it is time that we started equipping people with the knowledge of how to minister to those struggling. Throwing nuggets of scripture at people telling them to “be anxious about nothing” when they have an anxiety disorder is simply not an appropriate way of ministering to people’s needs. Standing in the way of people stepping out into their God given call because of what their past looks like is simply not acceptable and only ever allows sin and affliction to dominate further. Dear Church leader, I firmly believe that now is the time to walk boldly into a future where the love of God is accessible to everyone, where the microphone is available to all believers and where the loudest sound is the flowing river of the beautiful grace of God rather than your judgmental and slanted slang. You can dress your ministry up in whatever fancy way you choose – you can hand out flyers, you can serve freshly baked cake and you can wear a beautiful outfit – but unless you are taking Jesus to people and empowering them to step out and change their worlds you are failing. Do not let people become disaffected because of your own lack of compassion. Do not let opportunities for the body to be edified by the testimony of another slip past because of your own fear. Do not let another life be taken by suicide because of your own inability to understand mental health conditions and sensitively declare the healing name of Jesus over them. God is forever turning peoples “mess” into their “message”, and I firmly believe that there is power in feeding on the faith and journeys of other people. Why don’t you make a conscious decision to check in on those who may be struggling, to make yourself more approachable, to make the first move? Why don’t you make a conscious decision to live out Jesus’ unchanging message of love, forgiveness, empowerment and release? The world is waiting to see how you respond to this and many other issues of our day.

Dear School teachers,

The work you do establishes the paths of youngster’s lives and changes them forever. You are more than the man/woman who calls the register, leads the class and marks the assignments. You have a unique and amazing opportunity to mould the clay of a young person’s life – you are able to make a genuine difference. I beg of you to take it seriously, I beg of you not to let your relationship with your children be about a 45 minute math lesson. I beg of you to be bold in calling out mental health concerns and to be resolute in leading your children to help. The road home is always much easier with a familiar face cheerleading you. Please make a commitment to speak out, and allow others to share their stories. Please make your classrooms safe places, stigma-free zones where people can be all that they are right now – where children can express all of their happiness and pain and you can help them to process it, to package it and to step into a future that is no longer defined by the hurt of their past.

Dear rule makers,

I long for the day where you would give mental health the consideration that it deserves, where instead of offering people the opportunity to wear identification bracelets you would offer them outstanding therapy services, you would stop charging them ridiculous fees for necessary medication and you would take off your labels of “prime minister”, “police officer”, “health care worker”, “head teacher” and you would put on your label of “human being” and in doing so help others to be stripped of their own crushing labels, giving them the freedom and liberty to live at a person with depression rather than a depressed person.

Finally then, my dearest Church leaders, school teachers and rule makers,

If you take nothing else from this post, let it be that there is a bright, bold, brilliant future ahead – slightly beyond the horizon of stigma and shame. It is a future of equality and empowerment rooted in a culture of brotherhood where absolutely no one gets left behind or forgotten and absolutely no one is left to feel small or insignificant. An unimaginably brilliant future awaits – will you be part of it?

I am begging you, in this mental health epidemic, please be the light. “We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don’t get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won’t solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we’re called home” – To Write Love On Her Arms (http://twloha.com/learn/story/).

God Bless Y’all,

Lauren Hickman

Tumblr; http://floating-not-sinking.tumblr.com/

Facebook; https://www.facebook.com/lauren.hickman.562

Twitter; @LaurenHickman95

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Utilising the power of PRAYER. Praying people, Luke is currently in a&e with a "damaged" ankle (possibly broken, possibly not) - made slightly worse by the fact he's due to fly to Israel in a few weeks time. I believe in a God far greater than pain and joint issues, far greater than the enemies plans to disrupt mission and able to do exceedingly more than we ask or imagine. Prayers for total healing, peace, travelling mercies (and availability) and God's incredible glory to reside and abound (even in the craziness of earthly situations) would be much appreciated. Love y'all and I will keep you updated.

#prayer #healing #God #Jesus #miracle #christianity #israel #ankle #mission #bones #hospital

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Motivation on We Heart It - http://weheartit.com/s/fcUIuBYn

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In TWO weeks, you'll feel it. In FOUR weeks, you'll see it. In EIGHT weeks, you'll hear it. Don't give up.

#fitness #gym

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Admission Day 35 – 23/04/2015

Here comes a very short update, due to the lateness of the time (or earliness, dependent upon your perspective/time zone!)

Today has been largely positive consisting of a massage, retail therapy, reading, colouring and being assertive and decisions to be an eco-warrier, sponsor a tree, grow my hair (am I sounding like a wannabe Hippie yet?!), take Wednesdays off as “me days” each week and read my Bible more. It’s incredibly warm here in Harrogate today, the flower show is here meaning that there are heaps more people milling around than usual – thankfully these people aren’t book and stationary nerds in quite the same way that I am meaning that my bookstore and paperchase trip passed without incident! Whilst on that subject, I LOVE paperchase (confessions of a shopaholic).

Tonight’s encouragement comes from Deuteronomy 4:39; “Know therefore today, and take it to your heart, that the LORD, He is God in heaven above and on the earth below; there is no other”. Tonight I am thankful that in every decision God is God. Thank you father that there is no one like you, thank you for your incomparable goodness to us and your unrelenting grace poured out as a sweet offering over us. In all our studies of your word, show that you are God and reveal yourself to us more and more. Amen.

#mentalhealth #depression #inpatient #treatment #recovery

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We tend to use prayer as a last resort, but God wants it to be our first line of defense. We pray when there’s nothing else we can do, but God wants us to pray before we do anything at all.

77/365 reasons to pray | Oswald Chamber (via worshipgifs)

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Here’s to you. - Re-c0veryy

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"You don’t understand. You can’t understand. It’s me against me, A war against myself And I’m slowly dying. It’s my heart racing, My head shouting, My body trembling, And I’m standing here With a smile on my face Just trying to make it through the day Because the only way to make it In this horrid world Is to act like problems don’t exist, To smile through the pain, To put on a mask, To hide the tears, And try to survive in any way you can. It’s a war. I am both the winner And the loser. I will never be good enough for myself. But you don’t understand, You can’t understand. There’s no fixing me, I’m not broken, I’m defective. My body is killing me, My mind is killing me, All I can do is fight. But you don’t understand, You can’t understand, And I hope that you don’t ever have to.”

-me (via tragicallywonderfuldisaster)