#[ haven't played for WEEKS since i've been sick so i'm excited!! ]

[despairforme]

National holiday for FOOLS?? Him.

#[ yes v much HIM ] #[ hellooo guys! hope you're all doing good! ] #[ man oh man i really wanna be productive this month :D ] #[ better start off strong ] #[ happy april fools! uvu/ ] #[ the weather is suuuper nice today so gonna go out later and play volleyball with my s/o ] #[ haven't played for WEEKS since i've been sick so i'm excited!! ] #despair for me. ╱ in character.

[bucky-barnes-lover]

Kinktober day 15: Kinks listed below

Fic: Sebastian Stan

Daddy turned Father:

Dad to be!Sebastian Stan x Wife!reader

Warnings: Slight pregnancy kink, Cursing, SMUT 18+, Pregnancy talk, Going to the Doctor's (Does that even count?)

W.C: 1305

I figure this didn't turn out great but I've had a busy week and I'm tired so, if u like it please re blog. Thanks

I'm sick. Really sick. Every Morning for the past 2 weeks I've been waking up with a horrible stomach ache and the need to vomit. I haven't told Sebastian though since he's been away filming for the past couple weeks. But, doing the logical thing I went to the doctor.

"So y/n, I think we'll do an ultrosound just to make sure you don't have a stomach bug or something anymore serious. You did however pass all the blood, heart and senses tests with flying colours so it cannot be anything got to do with your brain." Said the doctor.

"Thank goodness! I love my brain." I replied sarcastically.

"I'm sure most of us do y/n"

Dr. Mayladd led me over to the ultrasound room as she handed me a blue papery hospital gown. Addressing me to remove my shirt and put the gown on instead.

"Gosh that's scratchy" I complained making my way over to the examination chair, leaning back as far as the chair would go.

"You'll only have to wear it for a couple minutes, I'm sure you can handle that"

"Of course doctor" I moaned playfully, causing a small laugh to escape the Dr's perfect red lips.

"I'm going to spread some jelly on your stomach okay, it'll be a little bit cold but it won't be for long okay"

"Sure" I answered, boredom creeping into my voice.

"Oh y/n. You sound like an annoyed teenager, brighten up a bit. You could either get home to your husband knowing you have bowel cancer or are expecting a baby." She told me, sounding a little bit too enthusiastic talking about cancer.

"Yeah, thanks but I'd rather not have either"

"You don't want children?" The Dr asked me, sounding a little less excited.

I let out a loud sigh before explaining to the Dr exactly what I was thinking.

"Yes, I do. I do want children. It's just that Sebastian has been away filming for a good while and we never really discussed when we would want to start a family. So I'm not sure if this is the right time."

Dr. Mayland rubbed some cold blue jelly over my stomach, through the hole that was cut in a circle right over the tummy. Then she connected a couple wires to an ultrasound remote, which kind of took the shape of a jade roller, just thicker and electronic. She started rolling the remote across my stomach spreading the jelly with it.

Eyes focused on the computer machine as the remote scanned my skin. Suddenly a small shape, about the size of a blueberry came into view.

It was undeniably a baby.

"Well, you are pregnant and it looks as if you're about 7 weeks along. Would you like me to print off the photos?"

Said Dr. Mayladd as she continued scanning over my stomach.

"Yes please." I responded, overwhelmed at the fact that I am carrying a child.

"OK. Give me a second to do that."

The Dr. responded, a few seconds later I heard a faint buzzing sound and then she turned around to face me. A roll of what looked like Polaroids in her hand. Putting them in a small box, along with a card before she handed it to me. With a note of congratulations, I left the Dr's office.

The drive home was stressful. The radio was playing 'Starlight' by Taylor Swift. One of my favorite songs, but I couldn't pay attention to it. Crazy thoughts running through my brain. What if Seb doesn't want kids right now, What if the pregnancy goes wrong. What if, what if, was all I could think of right now.

As I arrived home, I almost drove away, seeing my husband's car in the driveway. Shit. How do I tell him?

Leaving all my thoughts in the backseat of the car, I unlocked the front door. Immediately greeted by soft kisses escalating down my neck.

"Hi baby." "How are you?" I asked him as he pecked my lips.

"I'm good. You?" He questioned, pointing towards the doctor's receipt in my hand.

"Oh, Well." I hesitated, struggling to find the words to say to him. Not knowing if I should even tell him right now.

"Well, I'm pregnant."

Sebastian stared at me for a couple seconds, clearly starstruck by the news that he's going to be a father.

"Y/n. Are you serious?"

"Yes. That's why I went to the doctor today. I've been sick almost every morning since you were away, which is ironic now that I think about it. Considering we had a pretty fun night a couple days before you went off for shooting."

"But yeah, I'm 7 weeks along." I uttered anxiously.

"Shit y/n. We're gonna be parents."

Sebastian yelled, happiness clear in his tone and visible in his full smile.

"That is if you want to keep it." He added on, seeing my scared expression.

"Yes, baby, I want to keep it, I'm just scared. We haven't really discussed this much, since you've been away a lot." I expressed.

"Doll, there is nobody else I would rather have children with than you. I love you with all my heart, please acknowledge that." He reasoned.

"Now. We have to celebrate" Sebastian continued.

Picking me up and carrying me up the stairs to our shared bedroom.

Running to the bed, I undress into my bra and panties, my husband doing the same.

"Babydoll, I'm gonna fuck you so good you'll have another baby in you soon enough" He chuckled as he unclipped my bra. Grabbing my breasts in his hands, kneading them as he trailed kisses up and down my neck.

Sweet moans escaped my lips all the while Sebastian sucked on the sensitive skin along my neck. I reached down to his groin and palmed him through his boxers, earning a desperate moan from him. Dropping to his knees, towering over me he grabbed my underwear, tugging as I lifted up my hips letting them slide down. Feeling Sebastian's rough fingers slide along my slit, into my wet hole.

"Damn Mama. You're so wet already. Wonder how well you could take my cock" He muttered, adding a second finger into my entrance. Pumping in and out. My moans grew more desperate as he pumped faster inside of me, rubbing my clit with his thumb. I knew he could feel I was close, because he stopped just as I was on the verge of cumming.

"Ahh. Seb, what was that for" I moaned out, annoyed at his act.

"Not so fast mama. Don't you think I would let you cum that easily without you cumming all over my cock." He growled.

Removing his boxers, he lined himself up with my entrance before thrusting his hips slowly. I groaned, feeling myself stretch as he worked his thick cock through me.

"Oh Seb" I moaned as he thrusted into me harder and harder. Hitting the right spot each and every time.

"Fuck Mama, you're so tight for me." He moaned. Bucking his hips against my own as his thrusts became much, much harder. Digging even deeper into me. Causing me to scream out his name. "Fuck Sebastian!!" I screamed, the pleasure almost too much. I felt Sebastian's fingers trace over my sensitive clit. Rubbing it in a soft circular motion.

My pussy clenched around his cock. So tight and so close. Sebastian's finger grazed my clit one more time, sending me over the edge. A couple moments later, after one last deep thrust, Sebastian came inside me.

"Fuck babydoll. You feel so good" He moaned, still working his cock inside me. I only moaned in response. The pleasure was overwhelming.

If this was what pregnancy would be like, I don't know why I'd be so scared, becoming a mum.

#marvel fanfiction #sebastian stan #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes imagine #sebastian stan fandom #bucky imagine #sebastian stan characters #sebby baby #bucky barnes x reader smut #sebby stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan smut #sebastian stan fanfiction #sebastian stan x wife!reader

[pixie-ass]

Don't Say You Need Me - Jonathan Crane Drabble

Warnings - none except refrenced non consented ghost hands

— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —

It'd been almost 2 weeks since she'd last heard from the man she loved. Last time she'd seen him he'd been the one to reach out, look for her until he found her, to tell her he missed her and needed her back. Like always she believed him, blurred by the rose lens of love. He'd been there for a while, not long but a little longer than usual until one morning he'd left, with nothing but a few words of how he needed to leave and couldn't explain it to her. 

Here she was now, laying in her bed, a comforter covering her from head to toe as she stared out her apartment window into the gloomy streets of Gotham. The tv was playing in the background, the news reporter buzzing about more criminal attacks of people dying from a gas poison. She could care less, a villain could come into her apartment now and strip her of everything but she wouldn't care, her heart had been ripped out again. 

The moon was bright in the sky, but clouds would come and cover it again, leaving her in darkness again. 

It was late into the night, but she couldn't sleep.

Flipping over, she looked at her small clock, 2:37, it read. It's been days since she'd gotten good rest even if all she did was rot in bed. 

She hasn't always been this way, she'd been with many men before, but none of them had made her so sad to lose like Jonathan had. She'd been strong, never shedding a tear for any of them, telling herself they weren't worth it. But then came the doctor, with his charming good looks and stoic personality. 

Lost in thought she once again stared into nothing in particular, lost in thoughts that kept coming. Her phone lit up, she zoned into it. She was getting a phone call. Sitting up, she picked it up, the caller ID was unknown. 

Furrowing her brows she answered, "Hello?"

"Y/n, hello. It's Jonathan."

Silence filled the room, her heart leaped in her chest, from happiness, excitement, pure bliss. It was like the color had returned into her life once again. She was happy to hear his voice again, like a drug it lured her in and had her addicted everytime.

"My love, where have you been? I've been worried sick." She inhaled shakily, the news of his voice making her happiness overpowering, "Oh, i've missed you so much, Jonathan.." she whispered. She was now sitting up completely, the first movements she'd done in a while.

"I've been busy here at Arkham, you know how my job is. Lunatic after lunatic. You wouldn't believe how many crazies are in this city." His voice sounded the same, yet she could suspect a different hint of tone from his usual annoyed one, it sounded darker, but she couldn't put her finger on it. She decided she was imagining it, from her lack of sleep and time since she last heard him.

She let out a giggle, "Yeah, I'm sure, I've seen the news. There's a new criminal they call the Scarecrow, spraying victims with a fear gas. Another crazy you'll be seeing soon, huh?" There was a noise in the call as if a shift in fabric, "Perhaps if he's caught. I've seen him around the media, his techniques are quite intelligent though, the police haven't caught him, not even the infamous Batman." There was a snarkiness in his voice, his annoyed tone had returned, his tone almost sounded insulted at her comment.

She wondered why, then another question popped up, "Why did you call me until now, Jon?" She was now frowning, looking down at her knees, her heart aching in fear of what he would say. 

"Ah yes, I called you because I wanted to see you, my darling." Her frown lifted, a smile replacing it as she bit her lip happily. 

"I've been wanting to see you more than anything. When did you want to meet up?"

"I'm outside your apartment complex, if now is fine." Jolting up she looked outside her window, seeing him walk into the doors of the complex, her heart raced as she looked at herself.

She looked a bit messy from laying in bed, "Oh, um, yes now is fine. Let me just clean up a bit. Just knock when you're here please." He gave a quick response, as she hung up. She wasn't sure what he needed but now her nerves were getting to her as she replaced the lounge clothes she wore with actual clothes. Slipping on a small black skirt and sweater, she tidied up her hair as she heard a knock. 

Opening the door, she smiled widely, there stood the man she'd yearned for, dressed in his usual suit. "Jonathan…" She embraced him in a tight hug around the neck, holding onto him like he'd disappear into thin air again, "I've missed you so so much." She exhaled into his neck. He placed a hand on her waist, he'd never been much of a physical person. Stepping back, she stared into his face, smile never leaving as she motioned him to come in. He did so, she noticed he was carrying a suitcase with him, she assumed he'd just got out from Arkham. 

"Good to see you too, darling. I needed to see you again." He spoke, setting down his suitcase on the kitchen table. Her heart fluttered at his words, he did seem a bit different. 

He sat down at one of the tables and she accompanied him in doing so. Staring at him, she noticed he carried himself with a new demeanor, she didn't speak until he spoke up first, "I'm sorry I left so abruptly. I had an emergency to see to. You know I love and need you, my darling." 

She nodded, smiling as she grabbed his hand in hers. "I know, my love. Don't worry. I'll always be here for you, I love you more than anything."

Jonathan was pleased to hear this, he gave a smile in return. He knew when he picked her long ago she'd be perfect. No matter how many times he'd left, for months or longer, she accepted him with open arms. He wasn't interested in love or such things but that didn't mean he wasn't good at faking it, he was a master at manipulation and psychological abuse, he was only using what he knew. 

"My darling, since you love me so much, would you do anything I told you?" He leaned over, running a hand through her hair lovingly, then moving to her cheek as he caressed it with his thumb. They both equally knew she would, she nodded, placing her hand on top of his as she leaned into his cool touch, bathing in the feel of it. 

"Of course, my love." 

"Good." He responded, leaning into her and placing a slow kiss onto her lips. She melted into it instantly, closing her eyes and taking in the feeling she missed so much. His lips were warm and he was perfect as always. 

A small click was heard, but she ignored it, too infatuated with the man's lips to acknowledge or care. That was until a smell filled her nose, his lips had pulled away by now and she began coughing, opening her eyes she saw smoke and Jonathan had been replaced by a terrifying frowning scarecrow. She let out a scream that was quickly broken by another fit of coughs as she stood up, stepping backwards to get away. 

A gruesome voice now filled her head and the room around her was becoming distorted, the lights flickering and dark voids and bugs crawling everywhere. "Oh my darling, having trouble?" The voices seemed to be mocking, she couldn't see him clearly now, only a terrifying dark shadowy figure slowly making its way towards her. She felt hands touching her all over. Falling backwards her body made harsh contact with the floor, she continued to scream, now crying, "Please… please stop, no no no.." she closed her eyes but that only seemed to make it worse as more terrifying images appeared.

"Your pretty little mind can only take so much. Shhh succumb to the fear! Come on my darling, let it all out. Let me see your biggest fears." The voice was tormenting, filling her whole head as she cried harder, the feeling of hands getting more painful on her body. She tried to rub them off frantically, but the feeling only worsened, she felt like she was suffocating. Opening her eyes the scarecrow was face to face with her, distorting and moving into terrifying faces straight from a nightmare. 

"Make it stop, make it stop please!" Her words were coming out slurred, whines and whimpers being all that Johnathan heard. She was trying to crawl away, but not to much success. Jonathan could see it was affecting her greatly, he was pleased, a sinister smirk on his face as he ripped the mask off. She was showing to be a great sport, her fear was much more extravagant than he had imagined. He had used a lower dose on her to test it out, but she showed great promise in his future experiments. 

Cooing at her, he caressed her face again, her eyes widened in fear as she was paralyzed in place unable to writhe away. Her eyes then closed suddenly as her body went limp, her brain must have exhausted from the high levels of fear.  "You're okay now, Dr. Crane will take care of you for being such a good girl." 

#cillian x reader #cillian x fem!reader #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy fanfiction #cillian murphy #cillian fic #jonathan crane x reader #jonathan crane #batman #scarecrow #fanfiction #fanfic #x reader #fem reader #lana del rey #inspired vy pretty when you cry by lana bc cillian and his characters are so lana coded #coquette #girlblogging #lizzy grant #dr crane #batman begins #ldr #drabble #pretty when you cry

[mpregandproud]

Isaac (Part 2)

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9]

How do you tell the person you've just started dating that you're expecting his child? It's the question that has been bothering me since I left the doctor's office. So many emotions in such a short time. I was hoping to be a father sometime in my life, but with Sandra. Since I started dating Isaac I discarded that option, I don't know why I did it. Prejudice, for sure, I come from a traditional family and two men being fathers together was not usual. I thought I would have to adopt or use a surrogate to be a dad in the future. And it turns out that I am finally one of those few men who can get pregnant and as luck would have it, I am expecting Isaac's child.

I needed to clear my head before I got home, so I didn't go back by bus, I decided to take a walk around town until I got to Isaac's apartment. I stopped at a shop window, my reflection in the glass already showed a belly that a few months ago was not there. My breakup with Sandra resulted in my anxiety about food. In just a couple of weeks I put on 50 pounds, I look like a cow. I've always been a glutton. It was the reason I started playing soccer, to stay in shape. Since I stopped playing soccer I had lost muscle, but I never put on as much weight as I did in those days. I lost some weight these last few weeks, but the belly was still there. It wasn't very big, because I'm a big man, but it definitely showed. As I looked at myself in the window I put my hands on my belly and rubbed it. I didn't look too bad, I even looked sexy. I better get used to it because this little one is only going to get bigger.

I arrived home two hours later, on the way I stopped to buy some donuts and eat them in the park in the sun. Was it the first craving? Isaac arrives home at 20:00 from the university where he is a literature professor. I prepared a special dinner, decorated the table for the occasion and dressed more elegant than usual.

When Isaac arrived he greeted me with a romantic kiss and a hug. When he saw the beautifully decorated table he asked me if we were celebrating something and I told him I had a surprise for him.

"Honey, as you know, today I had an appointment at the doctor's because of my belly, which was harder than usual. He said there's nothing wrong with me" I said and Isaac made a relieved face, he held my hands to reassure me. "The thing is... it turns out... I'm pregnant... I'm expecting your child", as I told him about it his face drew an expression of greater surprise. I haven't known Isaac for a long time and I wasn't able to interpret what he was thinking at that very moment.

There was an eternal silence. It would barely last a few seconds, but for me it was the longest moment of my life. Isaac grabbed me again with his big, warm hands. At that moment a sense of peace washed over me. "It's all right. I'm not going to lie to you if I tell you that I didn't expect to be a dad so young, but I think you're the father I always dreamed of for my children. I love you so much, Daniel," he said, looking into my eyes with emotion. After that, we kissed passionately.

"According to what he told me, I'm a one month pregnant, so if I do the math, it had to be the first time we slept together. It's one of the few times we've fucked without a condom, so it has to be from that day. I have no doubt," I said. Actually, this detail didn't matter anymore. I could see Isaac's excitement overflowing. His eyes were shining like never before. I don't think anyone had ever looked at me with as much love and admiration as he did at that moment.

The following weeks were complicated. I kept having morning sickness. My appetite grew and I regained the weight I had managed to lose since I started dating Isaac. My doubts about my body returned, but he made sure to remind me that he met me with a belly and that it was one of the parts of my body he liked the most. In fact, whenever he had the chance he would show it to me. I worked part-time as an IT guy and the rest of the day I spent walking, eating and resting until Isaac came home in the evening. Since we found out we were going to be parents our sexual activity has multiplied. From what they say, pregnant women enjoy sex more in the final months, but my body is already enjoying it from the beginning.

By the time I was two months pregnant, I weighed 230 pounds. For someone who for many years had been under 170 pounds, it was a major change. Most of my clothes no longer fit. Actually, they hadn't fit for months, although I didn't want to admit it. With the belly I gained after the separation, all my shirts were tight. And now my pants started to fit tight too. I had to buy a lot of new clothes in very large sizes so that they would fit me for a longer period of time. With the new clothes I could look like I wasn't pregnant, just a little chubbier than usual.

We decided not to tell our friends and family until I had a new ultrasound and they checked to make sure everything was perfect. We both wanted to share the news with our loved ones, especially with Isaac's friends, with whom we met almost every day. With them I felt very supported and understood from the first day. They made me feel like one of the group of friends, even before Isaac and I started dating. I had more in common with them than I did with my high school or college friends. I would even hang out with Bruce, Ken, Tom and Justin when Isaac was at home preparing for his classes. They had become my family.

The day of the ultrasound came. I left work and headed to the hospital. I was excited, eager to find out if everything was going well. The bus arrived, I entered the hospital and stood in the waiting room. Isaac was already arriving, he had taken his car from the university and in a few minutes he would be with me to go in for the ultrasound together.

As I waited, a woman with a huge belly sat next to me, she must be about to give birth. I looked up and saw it was Sandra, and she looked very sad. "Hello, Sandra, it's been a long time, how are you doing" I asked her. Deep down I would have preferred that meeting not to have taken place. She burst into tears without answering me.

When the crying passed, she looked at me and said, "I missed you Dan. Everything was easier with you. But look at me, about to give birth, abandoned by Peter and without a job. I've screwed it all up." I didn't think her life was so bad, why would Peter leave her? "I see you're doing better, you're glowing. Your cousin told me that after our breakup you had a hard time and put on a lot of weight, but now you had met someone and were very happy. I imagine that if you are in this clinic it will be because you are going to be a father. Congratulations," she told me in a reproachful tone.

"That's right, I'm going to be a dad in about seven months. There's still a long way to go, but I'm very excited," I told her. I knew those words didn't help to lighten the mood, but inside I was so happy since I knew I was pregnant that I didn't care about anything else. Just then Isaac came into the waiting room and kissed me before sitting down next to me. "Sandra, this is Isaac, my boyfriend. Isaac, this is Sandra, my ex-wife," I introduced them. Isaac offered his hand in greeting, but Sandra remained disgruntled.

"Your boyfriend? Are you gay? Did you use a surrogate to become parents?" Sandra asked. Isaac and I looked at each other and couldn't help but smile. "Yes, we're boyfriends. I met him at soccer few weeks after our divorce and, although it took us a while to become boyfriends, I think I fell in love with him from that day on," I said looking Isaac in the eye, even though I was responding to Sandra. "No, we didn't resort to a surrogate," Isaac said putting his hand on my belly and rubbing it, while looking at me and winking. That gesture didn't help with Sandra, but it came naturally to Isaac.

"Wait, what, you got pregnant?" said Sandra in surprise. "That's right, I happen to be unknowingly one of the few men in the world who can get pregnant. It wasn't a wanted thing, but we're so happy to be able to be dads," I told her. She gasped. It was normal, the man she had been married to for three years was standing in front of her with a boyfriend and announcing that he was expecting a child. At that moment we were called to the office. Isaac and I got up immediately and I said goodbye to Sandra. Isaac approached her and invited her to come to our house for dinner that night to continue getting to know each other and talk. Although I didn't really feel like being with Sandra, this kind of gesture is what made me fall in love with Isaac. She, to my surprise, gladly accepted the invitation. It was the first moment that day that I really saw her happy.

I lay down on the table and the doctor started the ultrasound. He said he could feel my belly a little bigger and firmer than last time, that was a good sign. Isaac didn't stop holding my hand at any time, he was so excited about this pregnancy. The doctor confirmed my suspicions, there was more than one baby. "Congratulations to both of you, you are expecting triplets." Three babies? I thought it would be two, three is a lot. My face was terrified. If expecting one child already scared me, and the thought of two terrified me, three made me panic. At that moment I thought about how much I was going to get fat, how it would change my life to have three babies to support. A feeling of responsibility and fear at the same time.

I looked at Isaac and he was ecstatic, the sparkle in his eyes was bigger than ever. "Oh, how wonderful my love, we are going to be daddies to three beautiful babies. I love you so much," he said and kissed me immediately. As it always happens to me, his kisses give me peace, all my doubts and fears disappeared instantly. This man has the ability to make me feel in seventh heaven. I was carrying three children of the man I love, what could be better than that.

To be continued...

#mpreg #mpreg story #pregnant man #pregnant guy #male pregnancy #prengant #man pregnant #gay #Isaac

[ptsd-phoenix]

29 may 2024

Yesterday was my 8 year anniversary of going no contact with my abuser and physically escaping him. (I don't remember the date for when the stalking stopped but that was about 4 years later.. I should look it up sometime)

I discovered that it's also the date that the kpop group I'm going to see in concert debuted 5 years ago. I like that those dates match. I have a weird thing for dates sometimes. I'm so excited for the concert. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. I think it was probably summer last year during vacation, visiting Europapark and a bear rescue park. (I get pretty excited about roller coasters, and I get even more excited about bears)

The concert is getting really close. I'm not done with all I wanted to prepare for it yet, but I still have some time. I'm really busy with it.

Tomorrow I have what will likely be my last EMDR apointment (if all goes well). How great of a coincidence would it have been if that appointment had been yesterday. The last EMDR processing also ending on 28th may. It's close enough. And it's close enough in date I still feel the symbolism. The question being: Will this be the last May where I have to be triggered by the seasonal effects? We can only wait for next year to discover this. I'm dreading EMDR tomorrow but I can handle it I'm sure. I've done so much worse than this.

I'm taking very good care of myself. The concert is giving me a lot of motivation to look after myself. I've been doing a skin care routine, I've cooked healthy meals for myself for a week. (This is pretty big, it had been very very long since I cooked something instead of heating up meals) To be honest I was also fed up by eating the same 5 meal options back to back. But I actually seem to have energy to prepare the meals. My PTSD symptoms are barely there anymore. I only have them if I get triggered by like pretty strong triggers. I haven't dissociated as much either, only with triggers.

There's been some changes at my work which probably help a lot in me feeling better and having more energy left. I'm able to do my job better due to this as well. I'm working less hours and I have less responsibility. This will be challenged the upcoming three weeks as I will be getting a a lot more responsibility again due to people being on vacation/sick. But I'll just do what I can and if I can't solve it I wont make it my problem. I'm not being paid for that and it's not my job to take on that role. It's only three weeks anyway.

The fact that yesterday during a pretty important date I felt like it wasn't that important of a day also is telling. The fact I felt it was a regular day like any other shows me I'm moving on and giving less importance to the abuse I went through. It no longer brings on the same intense feelings. It's starting to actually stay in the past now. It's starting to really become just like a memory that I don't have to stay stuck in. This must really be what healing from PTSD feels like. Finally being able to let go and not have it intrude into my life as much if at all. I can describe it as it becoming more fuzzy, faded out, muddied, blurred, more distanced. It's no longer crisp, fresh, crystal clear, intense, in your face. EMDR is like a magic eraser in that sense.

My therapy is coming to a close soon. My therapist told me to apply for assistance at home because I do have trouble with my housekeeping. I put in effort whenever I'm able to. The next chapter will be to focus on working with that organization to properly orchestrate my life at home. I have no clue how this will play out but we will see. My therapist has suggested it to me many times before (not pushy, just bringing it up as an option) and I finally agreed it would probably be good for me. They are supposed to specialize in autism as well so we will see.

#abuse survivor #phoenix posts non poetry

[mittensmorgul]

Your posts about The Winchesters is making me consider getting involved in the community again. I'll be honest, SPN's finale hurt bad, and I haven't engaged in or even re-watched an episode of Supernatural in two years. It took a long time to appreciate the experience and not feel like i'd wasted YEARS being so invested in something that felt like a slap in the face at the end. I miss the community; I miss talking about it, being excited, etc. But I got in the SPN tags for the first time in two years today, and seeing Dean, Sam, and Cas's faces on my screen again felt like seeing old friends:'-)

Aw, heck, well... welcome back :')

I still haven't rewatched 15.20, and I don't know that I ever will. But for the first time since it aired, watching The Winchesters 1.13 actually... let me feel even a little bit okay about it.

When The Winchesters was first announced and we learned the premise of Dean telling the story to us, I was wary. If it had started off with "so I'm dead and in Heaven and learned this stuff..." I probably wouldn't have watched, just because of that. I do NOT wanna hear about Dead Dean. I still cannot reconcile the Dean in 15.20 with the Dean from the entire rest of the original series. 40 minutes of just completely erasing all character growth and then pinning him on a rusty receipt spike was NOT the culmination of 15 years of him struggling to be free, you know? I would've noped so hard on watching him tell stories from Heaven... I really didn't want to engage with more canon that insisted that travesty actually happened.

Many of us cling to our Chuck Won theories-- that Chuck's power transferring into Jack transformed Our Jack into some weird God-Chuck-The Sequel. That Chuck The Guy was just a puppet for the actual Cosmic Power and it still had its own agenda but now there was nothing for Dean to fight back against he just... gave in to its demands and played out the story Chuck had always wanted him to.

Detour time: I've spent the last few days (while being stupidly sick and not particularly coherent as a result... hooray cold medicine brain) trying to assemble all the times Chuck talked about his writing process, what he wanted from his story, and giving up quickly because it's just so much... but I recall him saying something to the effect of "that's where I went wrong, when I tried to write myself into the story." And I think that was his failsafe-- he spent all of s15 waiting for Jack to turn himself into The Perfect Receptacle for his power, to put on that little show on the beach and take on all his power so Sam and Dean would believe they'd actually won. Making everything that happened afterward just... them thinking they were making their own choices or whatever, when they'd completely dropped their guard and all Chuck had to do was throw the Random Bad Vampires at them that Becky complained about way back in 15.04. And they'd never see it coming.

So... Dean telling the story here? I still held out hope that it would take place BEFORE the events of 15.20, when he was alive, and that the goal was to tell a DIFFERENT story from the one Chuck wanted to tell.

But the way it was all set up in The Winchesters left us open to question everything we saw, everything we were being told by Dean as the story unfolded. We had to think about it week to week, and the payoff to that? That Dean has been dead and running out of Heaven specifically in search of a world where maybe his family actually had a chance to be happy? When he was supposedly in HEAVEN, also known as PARADISE, where everyone is supposed to finally find peace and happiness? Well, that right there SCREAMS "hey, so maybe paradise isn't what it's cracked up to be... maybe something is really, really wrong in Heaven, with "Jack," with the whole concept of "peace when we are done."

Dean... is still looking for something. Something is desperately missing. His whole family is supposedly in Heaven with him, and yet why is he running through the multiverse looking for something? What could be missing?

We were *told* in 15.20 that Cas was there in Heaven, but *we never saw him there.* We were *told* that Heaven was "fixed" and all was well there, but *we did not see any of that.*

What if something very much larger is very much not right, and Dean is still looking for something? He looked so dang sad in the Winchesters finale. SO dang sad. And he was very pointedly behaving very carefully toward Jack. Like he knows he's breaking rules, or possibly even testing boundaries a little bit here... and I like the wide open possibilities of what that could mean.

I really think Dean's role in The Winchesters is effectively wrapped up. I would love to see a continuation of the series just for the characters we've grown to love there. But I do firmly see it as its own thing, adjacent to Supernatural and built from it, but with the potential to be whatever it wants to be in the future, and I love the possibilities inherent in that.

But for Dean himself? He absolutely built a high dive platform for himself to dive back into his own story from here, and I would LOVE to watch that unfold, as well. And to me, that feels like Jensen's intent behind all of this.

Will it ever happen? Golly I sure hope so...

#the winchesters #spnwin s1 spoilers #spnwin 1.13

[fyeahnix]

I feel like there's always some awful or depressing reasons why people leave social media or take breaks and like....I just wanna say that that wasn't the case for me lol. I still haven't checked twitter or discord but I def did say I wanted to take a break at least back in May. Took one last year for two weeks and thoroughly enjoyed being away.

This time I was only expecting to be gone for like...a week and a half max but then I just...didn't wanna come back?

Anyway I started towards the end of June specifically because I was going on a trip to Europe for a week and just wanted to relax. The trip was fantastic and I had a ton of fun and I'm excited for more trips in the future. I got back on the 1st lol (also didn't get sick or Covid or anything from it thankfully).

Secondly, I got my promotion at work so now I make more money :]

Thirdly, I spent a LOT of downtime during my trip and on the flights editing this fic and I'm happy that I finally got it out this past weekend. I enjoyed writing it quite a bit and I'm super proud of it.

I've been playing a SHIT TON of Diablo 3 and Cyberpunk since I've been back and I have so many things to say about Cyberpunk HOLY... (Still not done with the main quest so please do not spoil shit). I'm almost done with D3 and will be starting 4 right after. Not sure if I'm gonna partake in the seasonal stuff but we'll see.

I also finished another Zoids model a couple of days ago.

Other than that I haven't been doing a ton. Just existing. It is very nice to not log into social media and see people complaining about doom scrolling or having arguments with random no face 1 follower accounts tho lmfao

[onigiri-dorkk]

Goals + updates for 2023!

(plus sneak-talks into my future fics!)

ALRIGHT RIVAMIKA FRIENDS! This evening (now that I've finally come back from my short New Year's trip... as well as recovered from major car sickness on the way back home l o l), my birthday-week-and-writing-sabbatical (😂) officially begins!

If you've been following, I've been hustling since November with my IRL workload and it has taken time away from writing and fandom things, so I had planned that from January 1st for a whole entire week I will dedicate my time to rest in the form of writing. No work, no emails, no ads...

NOTHING except sitting in coffeeshops or beautiful places and writing stories from my heart again.

During the holidays I had a couple of technically free days, so I wanted to get a one-shot in to get myself ready and warm up for this week (and then produced last week's one-shot, The Perfect Brew, which might mark my all-time favorite one-shot I've written so far).

The hard part was deciding what the heck to focus on and commit to. I thought about keeping it free, but knew it would lead to more one-shots, which is fine too.

But after I came back home and rested, I sorted through my WIP's (which, at this point, I actually have 7! I just forgot about 4 of them omg) and I rediscovered a WIP in my Google Docs I loved and forgot about, and that is the orphanage fic.

I don't think I've shared much about it just yet, but it will be a multi-chapter fic set after Season 3, and both Historia's orphanage and castle will play a big role in the plot for Levi, Mikasa and the Scouts. Obviously I don't think I will complete the entire fic just in this week (sheesh... I can't even imagine?!) but I aim to make a good dent in it and hopefully publish something by my birthday weekend :) I believe this is the one I want to make the most progress in, and hopefully get something published from it, though I can't promise timely updates the way you got Microcosmos every week or two.

Also on the back burner that I might trudge through this week is the Ackerman (Kenny, Levi, Mikasa) short-fic, and a post-war reunion fic that will likely be a long-fic. Then deeeeeep in my backburner is also a post-war long-fic that will circle around Levi and Mikasa and gang as Paradis refugees; I foresee this as something that will be a lot darker and angstier.

I'm honestly just excited for starting 2023 dedicating passion-time to writing; it feels like me saying YES to dedicating this full year to growing as a writer. I only began writing in May so it's strange that I haven't even hit a full year of doing so... But knowing that 2023 is starting and ending with me in love with writing is just exciting. I'm PUMPED. I have other ideas (maybe starting a Rivamika-specific writers' accountability group, etc) but I'll save all of that for another time hehe.

All this to say, thank you to all of my fandom friends I've made here who have encouraged me and brought me soooo much joy and inspiration literally on the daily. You don't understand how much your presence here has helped me in my real daily life, and has sustained this newfound inspiration. It makes writing and creating art not feel like an echo-in-a-chamber. To have real people enjoying what we create together, encouraging each other in the process, and sharing their joys for it, it's just sooo important and meaningful. Thank you all!! I will continue to ~dedicate my heart~ to creating art in lots of forms for our lil community here. :)

Please look forward to another year of Onigiri's proud hyper-fixation on Rivamika ;)

(P.S. I can see my nighttimes being filled with reading all of y'alls fanfics that I haven't gotten to read yet!!! PLS!! I CANT WAIT!)

#rivamika #rivamika fam #rivamika family #Levimika #Levi x mikasa #mikasa x levi #oh also #another small goal for 2023? write 1 TwiYor and 1 CloTi fic!

[babyurthendofjune]

linds!!!!

I’m glad you get to stay with your sister!! That’s nice you get some quality time together. My brother came and stayed with me for thanksgiving for a couple days and it was so nice!!! We haven’t spent that much time together in who knows how long! We played lots of mariokart and board games and it was great!!

And I’m doing alright!! Lots of ups and downs lately. The time change for daylight savings messed with my head a bit and then I just got sick a couple days ago I’m sure thanks to my kiddos at work. And it’s been raining all day but I took that as an excuse to wear my cute chelsea rain boots! But I’m hanging in there!! Just trying my best as always!!

Oh and I found out I’m getting a $2/hour raise in the new year so that’s exciting!!!

Also I finally watched my policeman!!! I thought it was really good! Although it didn’t make me cry like everyone said it would hahah and I usually cry at everything (for example when I went to see black panther 2 the other weekend and I started crying as soon as it said “in memory of Chadwick boseman” and then I cried several more times throughout the movie lollll). But I really enjoyed it and thought it was a beautiful film. I really liked DWD as wel although I don’t think I could pick one over the other because they were sooo different ya know!

💕💕

liz omg I'm so sorry I'm late answering this!! I feel like a lifetime has passed since we've talked because of what's happened. I got kicked by one of my dad's horses at the beginning of this month and ended up with a compression fracture on T11 of my spine and a contusion on my right hip. recovery's been a little rough but I'm incredibly lucky it could've been much, much worse!

I LOVE staying with my sister it's become one of my safe spaces to be there with her! her roommate is her bestie that she's known since kindergarten so I feel really comfortable there around her too. I had planned to go stay with her some this week for Christmas too, but idk if I can now with my injury. I'm so glad you got to see your brother and spend time with him! I haven't seen my little brother since last year but he will be coming home for Christmas so I'm excited to see him 😊

I'm so glad to hear you've mostly been doing okay!! and omg YES whenever I worked at the daycare before I got sick SO often because of my babies, so I completely get it! I hope you're feeling better now 💕 the time change always throws me off too I hate it. I bet your boots are adorable on you!! and yay for your raise that's exciting!!

I was supposed to start my new job soon (I can't remember if I've told you about it already? so ignore me if I have!). I've been offered a lead teacher position at a new daycare that's opening soon! but now I'll have to wait until I'm all healed before I can start 😔 I'm a bit bummed by that but my bosses have been very sweet and understanding about what happened to me and are holding my position for me until I can start! which will hopefully be sometime in january

ah I didn't cry at MP either and I'm the same way about crying at a lot of things! maybe because I read the book and was already familiar with the story. and I agree I love both movies I think he did an amazing job as I knew he would!!

if I don't get to speak to you again before, I hope you and your family have the happiest of holidays together! stay warm and take care of yourself 💗 sending you all my love!!

#ask me stuff #imnotpunny #kiwicherryallaboutharry #answered

[way2gowillow]

It's my birthday today :)

I'm finally 16 sweet 16 y'know I guess some huge life changes will happen soon people say once you turn 16 it's like your life just changes around. It's kinda crazy I'm not to sure what's gonna happen to me now that I'm "so mature" I still feel very childlike, my grandfather took me to build a bear yesterday and I still play with stuffed animals. But that's okay. I also think you'll be happy that I'm here with good news, I'm feeling really good. O feel happy and like fucking alive and things in my life are going pretty great. I, in all honesty, I haven't felt this just... Okay... Is so fucking long, it's like things are making sense now. Things are okay. It's weird I've been getting better this year, I mean I've definitely has my setbacks, but I haven't self harmed since last December, and I passed all my classes, that algebra class I passed with a 68% (64% is fail) my dad's disappointed in me but the teacher was shit and I tried my best so it's whatever honestly, being more carefree has been so much better. I got straight A's in all my other classes! So my GPA's like 3.1? Or smth idk I'm trying. But schools over. Summer is my good months, I hate the hot weather but having a few months without school is amazing, being able to stay away from bullies is incredible that's really the only thing that's so I'll been bothering me nowadays plus, over summer everyone forgets everything so hopefully theirs nothing else to bully me about next year. Maybe this summer I'll have like a glow up or smth? Probably not lol. Though, I have been going to the gym, but I'm not looking to change my body I have enough issues with that as it is. Anyways, it feels so much better to just be okay. My birthday was great and I'm feeling good. We actually celebrated last week because of the court date with my mom so my whole family could be together I got some new Markers, and A PlayStation (🫣in excited) and some new shoes it's been a really great day. I'm really excited we celebrate last week haha because (I'm sure you guessed it) I'm sick again! I'm telling you I never stop being sick it's constant, I have a sinus infection (A FUCKING GAIN) AND STREP so I'm spending my birthday eating my favorite foods (like ice cream, nice on my sore throat) and finishing up these antibiotics, I'm pretty sure the last time I wrote here I was sick then too?? I think? It might have been stomach related I honestly can't fucking remember I'm sick all the time.(along with Juvenile Arthritis, which APPERNLY I HAVE, just another thing to add to the list 🙄) But I don't really mind. I have TV to watch and I'm doing OK.

I know things like this dont last forever but im happy right now and honestly I think I'm okay with just staying for a while how stuff is. Ill have up and downs and my (phisical) health isn't too awesome but I'm doing the best I can to help it

As always you please please take care of YOURSELF. Make sure your drinking, eating, taking your medicine, giving yourself time to breathe. I appreciate you 🤗

-rosy

AWWW! Omg, happy birthday! I'm so so happy to hear that you are doing a little better right now, especially on your birthday. I hope you got all the ice cream you wanted. And that's very sweet that you went to build-a-bear. I've been meaning to go for a while myself once I have the spending money to splurge. I kinda want a K.K slider bear...(dog? Idk about the technicalities with that lol). And it's totally not a bad thing to still be fond of cute stuff like that. What matters is that you like it! And nobody else should have any issue with something as wholesome as being yourself.

I used to really enjoy Summer because of the nice break from school too. And I didn't have many friends, but the few I did have were very fun to be around. I hope you have someone like that in your life. Please enjoy the break, whether you spend it with others or at your own time. I know that algebra class you mentioned was stressing you out hardcore. You passed and you tried your absolute damn best. That's all that matters. (I'm proud of you.)

It sucks you're feeling sick, but I hope that also gets better with time. Coincidentally, I also had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (I was diagnosed at 15) and the biggest tip I can give you is to become aware of and come to terms with your own limits. I had not taken good care of myself when I turned 18 and my RA kinda spiraled out of control, which caused me to develop lupus very soon after. So, you know, take it kind of seriously and be kind to your body. You mentioned you're going to the gym, which is great! Staying active is super good for preventing joint pain. But also don't forget to take breaks. The good news is that these sort of chronic illnesses can go into remission under the right care. <3

It's always nice hearing how you're doing. Happy Birthday again. I'm glad it went well. :D

[masterzholtan]

On the subject of Happiness 3

"Crazy as it sounds you won't feel as low as you feel right now"

I haven't written in this for years and I hate my handwriting so a diary has never appealed to me aside from that one summer I had no internet and played Pokémon Ruby for 6 weeks straight and wrote down how much I hated my parents for not paying the bill.

It's been a mad old journey and I've just reread the posts below about 2016 being amazing and my summer of freedom after the abuse id taken in the years prior, I gushed about joining University and here I am with a First Class Honours degree in Computer Science and a fucking gaming industry job that treats me so well. Look at how far we've come Andy.

I've not thought about what order to write stuff down in in this but I guess I wanna start near the top as in the reason I remembered this little diary existed. I met a person and they fill my heart with such joy and happiness, they are hilarious and beautiful, and together we're really going to take on the world and show others what love looks like. We are perfect for eachother, she told me she loved me and I'd never thought about that ever being a possibility again after all I've been through, I have my moments where I struggle (thanks for that youknowwho) with realising that it's real, and she does actually have these feelings for me and wants to spend time with me, touch me, treat me, laugh with me. And that's why I'm writing in this because a few nights ago she showed me she wrote about me in her diary and it was a real sweet thing to be let in to something so private for her. I can't remember what she wrote exactly because I wanted to read it quick and give back this tome of her thoughts and feelings of times passed, but the one thing that got me was how she described me as "The man she wants to spend her life with" or words to that affects and I've never been so honoured to hear that. In fact I don't think I've ever heard that from any partner before, always the giver and never the taker. She is not like that. I truly love her and trust her. I'm confident that we are it and that makes me so happy.

It's funny how these thoughts of my new partner came racing through my head at Download 22 just past as Biffy Clyro once again make me cry with Machines. The song that soundtracks my depression and anxiety for all these years and with my friends arms around me again as i weep to Simon Neil for I think the 6th or 7th time. I think of this blog so many years ago, I think of that summer of 2016 where I found myself and learnt myself, I think of the time at Uni, I think of the emotional and physical abuse, I think of being sick every morning for a year, I think of how sorry I am that i couldnt support the friends and partners that have come to pass.

I think of where I was and where I am now.

My friends haven't changed since I love them all as much as I do if not more than ever, they all love me still despite how annoying I am. Like a little chihuahua of excitement I am. But I think their tolerance for me will withstand a lifetime

I can't think much else to write. I'm still me, I still celebrate December 15th every year and will continue to do so, I was about to write about antidepressants and how it'd been so long, but I got back on them 2019-2020 and couldn't get my prescription when lockdown started so it's been about 2 years since, I had some private counselling in 2021 and 2 quick sessions this year because of how I was struggling to deal with Isolation, grief and eating which I told no one about except if you're blessed enough to read this

I can't say anyone is ever truly happy because our wants and needs change but I am getting pretty fucking close you know xx

[okidenshi]

Saw your tags on the chronic condition post and I feel that so hard. I've been sick for the past month and haven't been able to eat much as a result. I've been able to do maybe 10 hours of work over 4 weeks and have only had a few days where I can sit and play video games for more than 30 minutes at a time because I've been nauseous and in pain every time I eat. I'm having an endoscopy done tomorrow and I hope they'll be able to figure out what's going on because lord knows the ER didn't do shit (to the point that the GI doc I went to was FURIOUS with how little they did. I literally got put in a corner of a room, alone, with a screen in front of me and the nurses forgot I was there (which wasn't even the worst part of it).) I have two more dr appointments this month after the procedure and I'm hoping that, between the three, they'll figure something out because I'm so bored and tired and sick of not being able to take care of myself (Plus I miss exercising :( ). Glad to hear you're feeling better!!!!! It also gives me hope that I'll wake up one day and not feel like garbage lol

Aw man i'm sorry you're going through all that anon :(( I've been/am in a similar boat of course, especially w/ GI stuff.

(lol ok i went on for a bit so read more it is)

GI isn't my main problem area currently (pelvic floor my detested), but since childhood my tum was/was been the BANE of my existence lol; and ohhhh I feel you about the ER man- one of the most acutely painful experiences of my life was at 1:00 AM where all of a sudden my upper stomach/chest was just. it felt like it was strangling itself to death- i could barely breathe, i threw up just because of the pain. Mom rushed me to the closest ER, a small baptist one 10 mins from the house. They rushed me back and took some blood/did an IV, but by that time the pain was passing. They kept me for 3-4 hours, but had no one on site that could do an ultrasound.... all they could offer me was an x-ray, which wouldn't show anything anyhow. Doctor I talked to said it could have been 1,000 things, was guessing it was some really bad food poisoning........ exactly a week later, same exact scenario ensued, Mom rushed me to a different ER.... they did an ultrasound and literally said my gallbladder was about to burst & was full of gallstones :))))

Unfortunately getting my gallbladder removed didn't really solve my GI health- if anything, it kind of harmed it... I developed heartburn, and later pretty sever constipation. I developed colitis, and then later proctituis. Doc put me on stool softeners & miralax, and now I literally cannot pass stool's w/o taking those regularly.

Though I will say, before getting my gallbladder out, I also had a LOT of trouble eating food- I lost like.... 40+ lbs without trying to. I also would get fairly lightheaded/dizzy/just not feel "right" a lot of the time. I'd defo suggest getting an ultrasound done if you can to rule out gallstones from the "list of 1,000 things that can cause GI issues" :'D

I also had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy done (which i hope yours went well btw!) within a few months from each other, even after the surgery cause I was still occasionally getting pains, some just as painful as before the surgery- I likely think I have stray gallstones just. fuckign shit up. in my body. lol. That or they're like. kinda stuck int he bile duct were my gallbladder used to be... at least thats what the sickos on reddit have said :'D

Anyway, this all to say is I FELL YOU ANON :(( And I also miss exercising!!! i literally developed such a great scheduel for morning walks when i lived/worked at home, and was so excited to continue doing that after i moved- but tbh walking/exercising was so triggering for me because it's usually my time to focus/relax and all I could think about when walking was how much pain i was in/how I couldn't focus on the music... now i'm unreasonably scared to start back up again :(((

Though on the brightside, even tho i still am in pain, I am defo in a way, way better place than I was a year ago. It was so scary being in an amount of pain where I just... thought about not being here anymore JUST because of the pain. That was scary for me, esp since I felt like I should have been ontop of the world after moving.

But yea, defo doing... better :'D I hope the trend towards a more painless future continues, and that you get some answers/relief of your own anon! You got this and you're not alone! :D

#oki answers a thing #anon

[futuresconnected]

Falling Down the ARPG Hole

Another Sunday, another blog about what I've been playing recently!

Here in the weeks leading up to the RPG-pocalypse that is the period from Feb 2nd-???, before my life is consumed by Persona 3 Reload, FF7 Rebirth, Dragons Dogma 2, and Granblue Fantasy Relink, I've found myself completely in the rabbit hole of Diablo-style ARPGs, a favorite genre of mine that I haven't taken a deep dive into in many years.

I talked some last time about Path of Exile, which at this point I think I'm done playing for the season, but had a real blast with. I dumped like 100 hours in that game over a couple of weeks, made a build stronger and more expensive than anything I had made previously, and got to see a lot of cool stuff in that game that I've never encountered before. I thought for a bit that that would be the end of it, but another one of my friends in an effort to spend his time while sick has gotten really into Last Epoch, another game in this genre which has been in Early Access for a while but will be releasing into a full version in a few weeks. I'd heard about the game over the years as it was in EA, but hadnt really been drawn to it, or knew much about it. However, now I've had a good taste, and wow!! This game really has the sauce to stand and be counted amongst the really good games of this genre so far.

The big things for me with this game is that it has a lot of the depth of skill customization that you find in something like Grim Dawn or Diablo 3, without the bloat and brain-genius complexity of Path of Exile. Being able to load up my characters passive trees and skill trees and see that I have a lot of options that would often meaningfully change the role of that skill in my kit, while still being easy enough to understand (i.e searching for "fire damage" and taking anything that makes my fire damage better) that I've cruised through the main game fairly easily just sightreading and not following any guides. So the gameplay is great, and the endgame system of the Monoliths takes good bits of PoE's map system and the rifts of Diablo 3 to make something that is complex enough to tickle the brain while still being easy enough to just load up and blast guys. Really really impressed with the game so far! Plus it doesnt hurt that you can actually have a really fun Necromancer build in this game, something that games like Diablo 4 are just completely missing. Very excited to see how the game develops!

I really do want to get back to my Like a Dragon Quest soon, but that might be for the month of February since I will be streaming Persona to a friend of mine, I'll need something else to take up my own personal time.

FGC Corner

Been a minute since I updated the FGC corner, here's the latest!

As much as I've loved playing Narmaya in Granblue Rising, I've come up against the fact that she really is a good deal more complex to play than any character I've played before, and while I do love the playstyle and combos that she offers, I think that for now I'm going back to my first love, Siegfried, a guy with a ton of armor and a big sword he swings around (AKA the most me-coded character that has existed in a fighting game). I've been having a great time playing him, and in fact having some more success with him as well. I also watched a lot of the coverage for Frosty Faustings this weekend, which is a large anime fighter tournament that happens in Chicago every year. Watching that just made me so so excited to go to Combo Breaker in May, I think that me and a friend of mine might be the kind of people who make or print some signs to hold up to the stream cameras for silly good times, but also just the idea of being in that space and taking in all the emotions and hype of the crowd is so exciting, I dont think I've really done something like this before! So please look forward to all the pictures, videos, and stories I will have from that event, but in the meantime I gotta get my grind on.

See yall next time!

#jan 2024 #futuresconnected

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Tuesday 17th October 2023, 02:45am

I really should be asleep right now. But I can't seem to get comfortable and when I do, my brain just won't shut up. So here I am, writing to you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I don't know why. I think I've been missing you a bit. Is it strange to miss you? I don't know. I'm sorry if it is.

I really hope your blood tests came back okay and everything is all well with your health. Do you know when you'll have surgery yet? I was thinking about that the other day and hoping I hadn't missed it, so I could wish you good luck for it. I'm really glad to hear that you've found a job you can do that will turn into a career too and that you can get the training for it. Has that happened yet? Or are you still waiting?

I knew you were thinking of leaving the band, and that's okay. If it's ran it's course for you, then I'm sure your bandmates will be understanding, especially if they're your friends. I really hope the last two shows went well and that you enjoyed playing them at least and I hope the last show you do next month is good too. Will it be near your birthday? Because I know that's coming up really soon too. It's the week after I get back from another comic con, I go away on 17th November and come home on the 19th, so I'm just gone for the weekend. This time it's in Wales, I've only been there once when I was a kid.

Aw no poor Chonky :( I really really hope she's okay now. It sucks when our pets get sick, because they don't have a voice to tell you exactly what's wrong, so it can be pretty worrying. It's a good job that owners can usually tell though when something's wrong and what it could be, because they know their pet well. But it sounds like you did the right thing for her and I hope she's feeling much better now. I'm sure she loved having you look after her and care for her and make sure she was all okay.

Don't worry about streaming and stuff, you can come back to it whenever you feel like it, whenever you have the time. I look forward to the next time you do, I've missed chilling in your chat and just.. hanging out. I liked it before. I actually was playing some of the Cyberpunk DLC myself the other week, it was quite fun haha. But I definitely think I need to start upgrading my PC soon. Definitely a new fan and CPU and maybe a secondary SSD. I would upgrade my GPU but those are so expensive and my 1080 still serves me well at the moment.

I'm sorry it's been a little bit since I last wrote, I've just been busy with work mostly. I haven't had much going on or much exciting happening. Apart from going over to Belfast to surprise my best friend, that was quite cool. We went to another convention, I just booked a flight and a hotel and turned up. She had no clue I was coming and was really surprised when I got there haha. I literally just went over for like.. 24 hours. I'd felt bad cause I had to cancel a trip to go see her at the end of this month just due to work and not being able to get the holidays and stuff. So I was pretty upset and just wanted to do something kinda.. fun and spontaneous? Idk

Ian Somerhalder walked by me too and didn't even notice it, it wasn't until my best friend pointed him out and I was like "oh shit" hahaha. But I was more excited about Peter Facinelli and Jackson Rathbone from Twilight, I used to love that when I was like.. 14. I would have met Ian and Paul too, but it was far too expensive for me. Maybe some day I will. I recently started watching The Vampire Diaries again, since it's spooky season and all and I haven't watched it for years. So I've went right back to the start, I'm at the end of season 1 right now where Isobel is in it (I hate Isobel. And I fucking hate John Gilbert too)

It was also my dad's birthday on 8th October. That was a pretty hard day. I was quite sad and upset all day, but I watched a lot of my dad's favourite programs and stuff and tried to distract myself. Red Dwarf, Monty Python, The Mighty Boosh (which me and my dad actually started watching together) and some Billy Connolly. I also listened to some of his favourite music too. And I got a clootie dumpling from a local bakery (it's like a Christmas pudding kind of but not as rich), coincidentally it was the same bakery me and my dad and grandma and grandpa would go to, it was just down the street from my grandma's house. My grandma used to make him one for his birthday every year when he was a kid, instead of a birthday cake because it was cheaper. And he loved it. It was one of his favourite things. He'd always ask me to bring him some down when I'd go down and visit him in Nottingham, because you can't really get it anywhere in England and to make a proper one yourself, it's a bit of a pain and really easy to mess up if you don't do certain things right lol. When he was in the nursing home, I remember one day the chef had came to talk to him and asked him about food he liked and stuff. He was telling me that they'd asked him what kind of birthday cake he wanted and my dad immediately asked if he could have a dumpling. The chef agreed and said they absolutely could do that and I remember my dad being so so happy. His face was just.. completely lit up, big wide smiles, all excited. I think that's what made me extra sad, because he had been so excited for his birthday and his dumpling. He really liked the simple things in life, honestly.

So even though he wasn't here, he got his dumpling. I went out early on the Saturday morning and picked it up, had a chat with the guy who owns the bakery (who actually weirdly recognised me and asked me who my family were, so I told him and he immediately remembered me from when I was a kid, telling me about how he remembered I'd come in with my grandma to get the rolls and the papers, how I'd come in with my dad for a yum yum or a strawberry tart lol. I unfortunately had to break the news of my dad's passing to him, he didn't know. And he was quite sympathetic. He was a nice guy, just as friendly as I remembered when I was a kid. I'll attach a picture of the dumpling to this so you can see. I stuck a candle in it and everything for him. Sang him happy birthday and cried while doing so. But I knew he'd be nearby. I knew he'd be standing right behind me hugging me while I did. God just writing this is making me tear up a little bit.

I've started some grief counselling too. I think they are really helping me. I'm getting it through the hospice who helped with dad's end of life care, even though the were only involved for.. well a few days.. they've given me more support that some family have (my mother included. I'm still at odds with her. She's done more horrible and nasty shit since we last spoke and.. honestly I'm just seeing her for her true colours now, realising that I've been gaslit, emotionally neglected and manipulated by her for a very long time). My boss has been more than happy to allow me to attend these sessions, because they know in the long run it's going to help me and isn't going to affect my performance at work or anything. I'm actually doing really well at work at the moment, even considering that it is incredibly stressful and emotionally/mentally taxing at times, but I've had nothing but good reports in my weekly catch ups with my manager so far. So I think it's safe to say they can see that I am more than capable of doing the job. I just wanna try get through my probation and then move to a different department. Something that doesn't involve talking to customers lol.

Gran also got out of hospital, which is a good thing. She's back home and still resting and stuff, trying to get her strength back. She was in there for like.. just over a month. Unfortunately we don't think shes gonna be able to get any more chemo though, which sucks. But we're hoping her oncologist will still be able to do surgery for her, we just have to keep trying to get her strength up and make sure she's eating well and we're getting her walking and stuff. Even if it's just to the kitchen and back or around the garden. Small steps. It hopefully will make a big difference. I've been making sure to go see her at least once a week, even just for a couple hours at the very least.

I don't have much else going on right now. It's just work and looking forward to next month when I go to Wales. I don't think I have anything incredibly exciting planned for Halloween, which sucks, but I'll be working this year unfortunately. Maybe I can just relax and watch some spooky movies after work, eat some terrible sweets and enjoy myself a little. Oh and I'm on some new medication too actually, I'm not sure if it's working yet, I don't feel anything different. This is for a physical thing, not a mental thing. But it's nothing too serious, just something I need to like.. manage symptoms of.

I really hope you're doing well, E. I hope everything's going good and that your health is good and Chonky is good and work is starting and surgery is getting scheduled and all the good things. I know it must be getting warmer there too, because it's definitely getting fucking colder here haha. I've been absolutely frozen in the mornings for a couple days now, until I turn the heat on again and warm up. I think it's gonna be a reaaaaally cold winter this year which is unfortunate.

I really hope to hear from you soon. And I hope I've got more exciting things to tell you next time.

N x

"I saw you in a dream then it came to an end, I wonder if you'll come visit me again"

(the selfie was me at the con in Northern Ireland. It was SO fucking hot, I was boiling all day. But I still looked cute I think.. maybe haha)

#him

[nccoy]

Personal shader project

I've been really struggling with motivation over the summer. When the uni year finished I really wanted to spend a lot of time over the summer working on personal projects and exploring what I really want to do in years 2 and 3 and beyond.

But it's now July and I haven't done anything. So I've been trying to figure out what it was that was stopping me and I kind of realised it was actually something very simple. Trying to start a project with no plan feels like staring at an insurmountable wall, where the only thing you can see is the top and the rest, the lower steps that get you there are clouded and misty.

So I've set up a plan, and I've decided to document my project. I don't really have any followers I know personally so this feels like a safe space to explore my projects in a private-public format.

So first off I did something I've never actually done before, and usually scoffed at in the past. I made a calendar of my availability.

I have a pretty awkward work schedule that changes every week because I balance two jobs at the moment. It gets even more hectic when it's actually term time so I think this summer could be good practice for next term starting, since last term I really struggled balancing it all and suffered with burnout a couple of time through the year.

I've set a limit for myself that I will not do work after 18:00. I think it's going to be healthy to get a decent amount of time to decompress after each day.

After this I decided to try using a Gantt chart for the project.

I'd used Gantt charts before in my first round at uni but I basically just ignored them after week 1 lol. I'm really hoping that this time round I'll actually stick to it a little more.

So the plan is for the project to be a 6 week(ish) project, with the deadline I'm setting for myself being Sunday 13th August. However, this is fairly flexible. It's just a personal deadline so there's no real reason for me to stress myself out by trying to finish before this time.

However, if I can complete the project in this time, it means I will have enough time to have a 1 week break and then fit in another 6 week project before uni starts back up again at the end of September/beginning of October.

As for the project itself, it's something I'm really excited to be doing! I'm going to be exploring shader creation in Unreal engine. I've actually never used Unreal before, and never created a shader, so the learning curve is going to be steep if I want to create something of a standard of quality I can be proud of, within the time I've set for myself. But I'm really keen to learn. On a personal note, I'm sick of wasting the precious little time I have to be alive on scrolling twitter, instagram, tiktok, watching YT videos I'm only vaguely insterested in, playing games I'm completely bored of... so I'm very eager to spend my time doing something that's actually going to expand my knowledge.

Time to actually put my autism to work instead of squandering the gift lol.

#personal #shader project #game dev blog #if this post gets deleted later you'll know I'll have failed #sadge i hope not

[dearlordsanta]

Whoops...

So, in my last post several weeks ago, I said I was going to try harder to get on here more regularly and post on the off chance that it helps anyone. I've been distracted lately, so I haven't been. I feel like I need to now, not just for the people who might be reading, but for me.

First things first, why I've been distracted lately. My husband has been well for a few weeks in a row! Almost the longest he's been well in three years. I've been taking full advantage of it! We spent his first week going out a little bit then, the second week, he said he wanted to go visit our best friends for a short trip (they live about five hours away). So, we found a sitter for the puppies and went for a visit. Our friends took us to Disneyland! I haven't been since I was about 17 and my husband hasn't been since he was 10! We had a great time hanging out with our friends. I'll tell you what though, we were BEYOND ready to get the puppies back when we came home. They had fun at the sitter's house but were ready to be home.

We are now starting on week four of good health. Don't get me wrong, he's had a few days when he wasn't doing great, but he'd bounce back and be okay the next day. I think he's at the point now where he's feeling like he's about to regress. I feel like he's scared to leave the house because he hasn't left since we got back from visiting our friends and that was a week and a half ago. I have a work outing tomorrow and he seems pretty excited to come with me to that, so hopefully, he comes and has a good time. I think that will make him feel a little easier about going out.

Today, I miss being in therapy. I never thought I would say that. I felt like I was finally making progress and then my job canceled their contract with the company I saw my therapist through, and I couldn't afford to keep it up. My husband woke me up after I had a really rough night of sleep (I woke up a ton and don't feel well rested). He had good intentions, usually, when I sleep too long, I get a migraine, so he was just trying to help, but it made me angry. I didn't want to get up yet. Then he told me one of our dogs had peed and had diarrhea all over the "puppy bathroom". Since he's been well, I thought he'd clean it up or at least offer to help me clean it up. That was too much to hope for. Even though he's been well, he's still not helping with anything. I would even be okay with it if he was getting out more because at least he's making the best out of his good days, but he's not. He's been sitting at home, playing games. He's not going on my daily walks with the dogs, helping load or unload the dishwasher, or even taking out the trash. He even had the gall to tell me that we needed to move the piece of art I bought out of the entryway. This is true, but our apartment is a mess because he never helps clean it and gets upset when I move his stuff. Right now, he's got music equipment everywhere and we need to clean the living room, so I have a place to move the art to. He knows this. If he thinks I'm going to cave and clean up by myself, he'll be in for a rude awakening because I WILL get rid of all his stuff. That sounds mean, but I talked to him about it several times. "While you're well, can you please put all your music stuff on the shelf we got for it? I'll even clean up everything else, you just need to put away the stuff you don't want me touching." He says he will, but then he doesn't ever do it. When I ask him when he's doing it, he just says, "I'll do it. I'm going to do it."

Today I am frustrated. Today I am not a good wife. Today I need to get away, but I have nowhere to go. So, I come here. I vent it all out and hope I do better tomorrow. Today, I just want to cry or scream. I am allowing myself today to be frustrated that this is where my life is today. I am overpaying for a crappy apartment because I can't afford to move. My husband is sick. I had to give up on my dream of being a mom. I have to do everything alone. Pay the bills, do all the chores, adjust my schedule to take my husband places because he's afraid to go alone. I miss out on sleep. I worry, I stress, I cry...I don't know how I'll make this better. I just know that I need to.

I'm sure I sound like a whiner today. I just need a day to feel sad and then I'll be fine again. I do the best I can. I am only human.

#OnlyHuman #caregiver #wifeofadiabetic #type1 #gastroparesis #chronicfatiguesyndrome #journalventing #rebellionsarebuiltonhope