#2019 was hell

[starcolle-archive]

[THIS HAS BEEN IN MY DRAFTS SINCE AROUND JANUARY 2020; MAYBE BEGINNING OF FEBRUARY]

The last year of my life

was painful.

As all growth is.

And I've learned a lot,

but sometimes the pain

outweighs it all.

And so I'm tired.

So damn tired.

And all I want,

is the rest.

The last year of my life

brought a long list of hardships.

Getting banned from tinder

was a punishment for my existence.

Getting promoted at work early

meant I hadn't been fully trained.

Straining and constant mental stress

by a job I was never fully taught.

Infrequent mental breakdowns

without even 15 an hour on the clock.

And then being harassed,

that lovely everlooming threat,

all because I hadn't learned

what they deemed fast.

"He, his, him,"

again and again.

A whole year guessing

if I'll ever be one of "them."

The last year of my life

and what drove me up the wall,

was how the people at my gym

who I thought were my friends

didn't work out with me after all.

There was even one point

where all the girls around me asked

one another if they want to go on a trip.

Everyone except for me,

No surprise that I was skipped

Because I was the only one

who wasn't one of them.

So shame on me for not being the same

for thinking I'd be safe

from people talking about me

Especially from behind my back.

But again no surprise since it's why

I felt I needed to leave our olde town.

Whether work or working out,

I just kept getting outed.

Even better was when someone I trusted,

a close friend's mom actually,

told my manager not to schedule me

to work with her younger child.

Because I supported them

in questioning who they are.

Even bought them a binder.

But never made them feel pressured.

And yet their mom told my boss

that she was uncomfortable

"With our relationship."

The same woman who after finding out

just how deep my sadness descended,

told me there was a hole in me,

where I needed her god.

Even told me

I should come to her church.

But that's going too far back.

I need to refocus on

The last year of my life

where I've spent so many months

trying to climb out of toxic environments.

One of which being the most recent

I've had to an abusive relationship.

Closest one since just after high school.

I try not to think about that one too often.

Always wishing it had been someone,

anyone other than them,

who had actually taken my virginity.

Not someone abusive and manipulative.

Not the person who raped me.

I'd even prefer it had been the freshman

that molested me in my own home.

Yeah I would've been down for that.

After all it only took a little for her

to coerece me to go down on her.

And so a constant thought throughout

The last year of my life

Was even though she 100% consented,

Fearing I had somehow raped

The ex we both wanted to be my wife.

Telling myself I could've asked,

and should've asked,

more than twice.

Three is her number after all.

#yeah #2019 was hell #and boy was I looking forward to 2020 #funny how things work out right? #keep moving forward

[sunnyirry]

Snoofkinn..

#missing my son everyday #the one's old as hell but for some nostalgia reason i decided to go back and color it #moominvalley #moominvalley 2019 #snufkin #fanart

[livsmessydoodles]

someone who gets it

#stranger things #byerley #robin buckley #will byers #THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS I KNOW THIS IN MY HEART #ive been their number one shooter since 2019 #theyll get their moment in s5 i know it #noah wants it too hell make it happen #hell do it for me <3 #stranger things art #stranger things 4 #stranger things 5 #st #livsmessydoodles #livsmessydoodlez #byler #rockie #rovickie #(implied)

[rookesbane]

Hong Hae In and her mafia boss divorce lawyer, Vincenzo Cassano.

#died 2019 born 2024 welcome back tanya and saya!!!! #it’s been weeks but i’m still here!!! #what? #my ultimate faves were back together onscreen for 5 minutes #you think i’d move on that easily??? #anyway #it’s insane that i haven’t seen gifs of them yet so i had to #their aesthetic is giving barbenheimer i’m obsessed #the last 2 shots are also adorable as hell #haein’s lil pout and vincenzo just smiling lmao #manifesting a proper reunion project for them 🙏🤞🤞🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️ #the jiwon x joongki reunion agenda never stops #kim ji won #song joong ki #hong hae in #vincenzo cassano #queen of tears #kdrama #kdramaedit #kdramagifs #kdramadaily #mine #*mine: gifs

[rjshope]

Q: Any food that makes you nostalgic?

#btsgif #btsedit #cyphernet #dailybts #userbangtan #usersky #annietrack #userdimple #raplineuser #userpat #tuserandi #useremmeline #userkelli #usermaggie #yoongiedit #hoseokedit #min yoongi #jung hoseok #bts #* #festa #it's sope against the world everyone! #tbh their faces on the 6th gif were the main reason i made these #bc lmao two confused puppies their reaction is so funny they were so excited #and hell i can't believe i make gifs from 2019 festa already #it feels like just yesterday i was having fun watching 2013-15 videos and now i'm here #head in hands

[maigetheplatypus57]

between finnster and tommyinnit I just need rtgame to come out as bisexual and that should pretty much cover most of the "straight" ccs that I actively follow at this point.

#maige's posts #tommyinnit #rtgame #f1nn5ter #and grian too but im not expecting it from him after his homo//phobic moment in Real Life (SILLY) #but also shoutout to 2019-2021 me who went through life lowkey believing that dan was bisexual and just hadnt mentioned it you were so real #for that #this whole post is silly btw #but also if 2024 happens to be the Year of Bisexual Awakening then as a bi i sure as hell wont complain #I NEED TO FUCKING SLEEP

[amelia-yap]

hiiii just wanted 2 say tht i love ur art SO MUCH and it always gives me a smile seeing ur whiterose content especially

aaaahhh thanku!! have a dood (◕.◕

#ruby rose #weiss schnee #whiterose #white rose #rwby #my art #theyve taken over my brainspace since 2019 #what the hell

[ami-fly]

hugs

#it #stephen king's it #reddie #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #listen being in reddie hell has been the only stable thing in my life in recent years #so here's some sketches from 2019 #my art #sketch #tw blood #'in a world where clowns are real'

[k-i-l-l-e-r-b-e-e-6-9]

𝔖𝔱𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔫 ℜ𝔥𝔬𝔡𝔢𝔰 ®️շօշօ

#Steven Rhodes #2019 #art #hell #evil #painting #print #artwork #animals #animal #black magic #black magic animal rescue #adopt a familiar #wes craven #crow #rats #bunny #frog #black cat #cat

[velvetjune]

imagine being director Northmoor of the FBC and one day you revel so much in your power that you literally explode. and instead of doing anything else about it, the FBC goes “when life gives a secret paranatural government agency lemons…” and throws your possibly-alive, moving corpse in a power plant so they don’t have to worry about their power bill. then going onwards, people only refer back to you using ominous light-based puns

#that guy was the worst lmao #like so far it seems every director that’s had a connection to the board has met a fate that reflected their person #northmoor was explosive and power hungry and awful. and therefore is forever burning as a fuel source for everyone #but it’s just funny to try to imagine what the hell went down with him. wasn’t trench the one who brought up the idea 😭 #control remedy #control 2019 #Northmoor #this is always the first ‘secret thing about control!’ on any article or thread #but is really is fun to figure out #this and the book club reviews reflecting the writers deaths in the game #fbc agent painting Northmoor sarcophagus container on the side of the power plant: this is genius

[moregraceful]

whenever i see people reblog posts about what stylistic problems/choices make them back-button out of a fic or "he would not say/fuck/be woke like that" posts, i just think: you all have never truly loved a rarepair. you have only known riches and wealth. you have lived lives of luxury and grandeur. you have never painstakingly typed the names of two people into the search bar on ao3 dot org and have it return five results, two of which are in a language you can't read, two of which are tropes you hate, and the last which, while readable, has never known the touch of spellcheck, grammar check, or a beta. "i would never read something with poor punctuation and spelling that's out of character 😒" okay champ, hope your job at the new york review of books is paying well. personally i'm in the trenches of world war i reading a fic written with a broken pencil on the wrapper of a cigarette packet. and i'm having the time of my life

#you think i lived through [redacted sports team's rarepairs] in 2019 to have any sympathy for ''he would not fuck like that''??? hell no #the things i have had to develop immunity against in pursuit of my rarepairs would give some of you people anaphylactic shock #comrade i'm in no man's land breathing mustard gas i don't have time for ''this wasn't spellchecked''. i am just trying to make it out aliv #fresno oilers.txt

[grahamcarmen]

Oh thank goodness I can put one of my persistent thoughts to rest

[I didnt make these. I commissioned these. ]

#red crackle #red crackle thoughts #carmen x gray #carmen x graham #gray x carmen #graham x carmen #and being on day 3 of being sick as hell these were very welcome #carmen sandiego 2019

[strangesickness]

okay i know we all love big brown doe eyed eddie but. can we please talk about how he has blue eyes in the book.

because like yeah in the book he's described as having greyish blue eyes. but like. eddie kaspbrak with weezer blue eyes. imagine it. right now. imagine tiny eddie like staring directly into richie's eyes to deliver an impassioned speech about infections. just staring. staring right into his very soul. now that would make the IT movies scary. or in the scene where henry stabs eddie and eddie's closing the shower curtain and he's like half laughing. imagine that scene and he has just. freakishly blue eyes. TERRIFYING.

#i imagine eddie to be the kind of person who makes really intense and prolonged eye contact #like not normal socially acceptable levels of eye contact #but staring directly into your soul not blinking eye contact. #and i feel like when he has brown eyes its kinda cute but also unnerving but if he had blue eyes it'd be like “is he plotting my murder???” #i am always talking shit about the “staring into your soul” blue eyes but i've never met someone with blue eyes that gives that vibe #EXCEPT for myself. i am so bad at eye contact (make it too intensely) and i have weezer blue eyes. match made in hell <3 #eddie kaspbrak #it 2017 #it 2019 #it stephen king

[danielle-b]

≋ ꜱᴛʀᴀɴɢᴇʀꜱ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʜᴇʟʟ ≋

타인은 지옥이다

DIR: Lee Chang-Hee.

#strangers from hell #타인은 지옥이다 #hell is other people #lee dong wook #im si wan #이동욱 #aesthetic #film #filmedit #kdrama #k drama #korean drama #psycho #thriller #dramaland #seo moon jo #horroredit #Extraños del infierno #strangers from hell 2019 #screencaps #wookie #drama #edit #dramaedit #korean dramas #임시완 #dark drama #dark aesthetic #kdramadaily #2019

[bigmonsteras]

i read that hellboy movie came out 20 years ago. man. anyway when will these 2 meet

#hello from 2019. two boys from hell #dmc5 is also 5y old. 5 years has felt like 50 years #devil may cry #dmc5 #hellboy

[scrapyardwings]

Bart Allen explaining why his Superboy is best: he gives great hugs and he’s the perfect height for me to do this! *muffled screams into Conner’s chest*

#bart allen #impulse #young justice #conner kent #kon el #superboy #young justice 2019 #bart is just the right height that he can smother himself into Conner’s chest and Conner would let him #hell he’s been the one doing the smothering sometimes #do not separate them #dc stop trying to separate them