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trashlie · 2 years

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ILY FP 201 and 202

I never had a chance last week to getting around to talking about FP 201 even though I really wanted to, and I’m kind of glad for it, because it ties so neatly together with 202. I’m not sure if our flashback arc ends here or not, and part of me feels like I should wait until we finally return to the present, but I’m never good at that and I like to lay down my thoughts while they remain fresh, if I can, especially in regards to this flashback. For something that has spanned so many episodes, we really were thrown a lot of information in these last episodes. I mean, in general, I think this whole arch has been a ride, and it’s been full of details we either never knew or were wrong about all along, and I have really enjoyed that aspect. But I cannot lie: episodes 200 and 201 were SO, SO HARD for me to read. I was dreading coming up on episode 200, but to tell you the truth, 201 hit me even harder.

Something about the way we opened, with Shinae laying so helpless and broken, with the bird we’ve seen before in her dream flying away from her and her empty eyes; her wish to be like a bird and take flight (PARALELLS!), the fact that no one had even called for help that her teacher had to come along and find her?!, the way even! after! a fall! she still apologized and tried to hold it together TRIED SO HARD TO BE THE PERSON SHE THOUGHT EVERYONE NEEDED HER TO BE! There’s something so well-done about the pacing - that moment of tranquil peace before the teacher’s appearance and the urgency, the shifting panels as Shinae is blacking out and the fear it instills, even knowing full well how it turns out. It’s SO well done to me!

There was something that struck me so hard in that moment, that Shinae had yet to grow used to adults caring and respecting her feelings. It can’t have been an hour prior, in the timeline, that she was worried her homeroom teacher would get mad if she went to the math club meet and thought she had to sneak, was so stunned that the teacher apologized for her mistake. Coming from a place where she’d been bullied so badly the bully’s mom had attacked her, where no other teachers came forward or stepped in to stop it, and here she’s got two different teachers who all show concern for her and respect her, and how there’s something so very SAD about it being one such teacher who is the one to get her help, because no one else had.

What would have happened if she didn’t have a math meet to be at? What would have happened if she was just on cleaning duty? Who would have found her?

The fragmented memories of Shinae in and out of consciousness, all of people who care about her, all jagged and out of focus. I absolutely lost it when Minhyuk burst in the way he did - Shinae came to this school in hopes of making friends, of fitting in, or at the very least not being bullied. She just wanted to have friends and not be seen as the weird kid or picked on and ostracized and in the end, it was only Minhyuk. Only he got to know her enough to care about her, only he was concerned about her. His savage, emotional outburst and that awful, true line: I’m the only damn kid in this entire school that cares about her.

It’s no wonder present-day Minhyuk turned out the way he did. It’s something we knew already - that Minhyuk knew her back when it happened so yes he’s overprotective as a result, but it was still easy to take Dieter’s side, that Minhyuk needs to step back and let Shinae live her life. But the thing is, Minhyuk isn’t just overprotective in the way of a big brother who thinks he needs to fight a younger sister’s battles. Minhyuk is protective in the way of knowing that only HE cared about her, that only HE could see through the rumors and be the friend she needed, that only HE could see everything for what it was. It’s even worse when you consider that no one else knows of Alyssa’s involvement, or how Shinae even fell, what lead to it, that there are rumors everywhere that paint Shinae in the worst light, that at the end of the day no one else cared, except him. Minhyuk is overprotective in the way of a parent who thinks the only way to protect their child is to shield them, or to fight their battles for them. The day he was away, winning his competition, Shinae was left helpless with no one, not one single person, on her side, and given the fact that it seems like she never opened up about it, never once talked about it, it all makes perfect sense and puts everything into a better perspective.

Minhyuk finishing up classes early so he could take the first flight home he could because Shinae finally broke down and for presumably the first time, opened up about everything she was going through, all the struggles that were too heavy for her to bear, all the horrors she endured that she never should have. You can’t blame him for wanting her out of her job with the Hiraharas after everything that has happened, you can’t blame him for not trusting the people around her, you can’t blame him for knowing that she’s been here before and not wanting her to go through it again. I think that’s what’s especially interesting about Dieter’s interpretation of Minhyuk - he thinks that Minhyuk is infantilizing Shinae, that he can’t see how much she’s grown, but for Minhyuk, it’s that it’s such an aspect of who he is, something that’s become so deeply ingrained, it’s eclipsed his ability to even see when his protective nature is hurting his sister, when it’s causing strife. The weight of being the only person who would ever have defended and protected Shinae, of being the only person who could have protected her, and the guilt of not being there when she needed him the most formed at such a formative age. What else could he do but adopt this as part of his personality, a swear forged in guilt to never leave her defenseless again. When you consider it this way, it must have been one hell of a struggle for Minhyuk to decide to attend school in a country halfway across the world. For him to make the choice to leave Shinae’s side and trust that nothing horrifying would happen to her again - ONLY FOR IT TO ACTUALLY HAPPEN - must be heavy on his shoulders.

Likewise, we’ve got some interesting insight into Maya, too. I’d always operated on the assumption that everyone knew about Alyssa’s involvement - that teachers and parents knew, that the Parks were aware, that it was a bigger affair than it ended up being, but it sounds now more like Alyssa probably went home that day and begged and begged her parents to remove her from school and I’m willing to bet she never said why. Maya had already left, had been given the opportunity to wait after school with Rika and instead chose to leave Shinae for tragedy, and knew only that Alyssa was not a good friend, that she didn’t defend Shinae when she wasn’t around. It’s funny - when Shinae comes face to face with an ad of Alyssa, Maya’s response had seemed awfully cavalier, to essentially write off Alyssa as Shinae’s sucky ex-bff, but, well, that’s all Maya knew, wasn’t it? She had no idea just how twisted all of the layering is. Like Minhyuk, Maya also operated out of guilt, but hers was combined with her feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. I don’t know if we can read into it deeper, but I wonder if part of why it was difficult for Maya to become friends with Shinae, besides their different personalities, is that she feels saddled with all that guilt and feelings of inadequacy. Not just the feeling like people look out for Shinae more than they do for her but the knowledge that she, too, once abandoned Shinae, and who is she to try to befriend her, even at her brother’s request? Obliging out of guilt - because once upon a time she could maybe have intervened, or been there to get help - but struggling to accept that she’s allowed to be friends with someone who she has begrudged and abandoned. I think there’s a lot of signs that Maya cares about Shinae but is very affected by the complexity of her dark and negative feelings. I don’t think Maya necessarily called Shinae to help at the bakery the day after the formal because Shinae is a yes girl or something, I think she called Shinae because she’s Shinae.

Actually, again, this brings me back to what I love the most about this story - it’s all the shades of grey, the layers of complexity, how nothing is ever black or white, one way or another.

Alyssa liked Shinae, but she was a terrible friend. She wanted her cake and to eat it, too, and she couldn’t make it work. She never managed to deal with confrontation, she couldn’t face her fear of ostracization. Even with all the hints that it could never work she still tried. 200 highlighted that so well - though to Shinae’s face she acted like their brief friendship meant nothing, when the other girls were messing with Shinae’s belongings, she still tried to get them to stop and leave her (and her stuff) be. And sure, we could easily say it’s because Alyssa was afraid of getting in trouble, but she still showed so much concern over Shinae crawling out on the window ledge to retrieve her backpack, SHARPLY contrasted with the absolute lack of concern the bully girls showed, and her pure horror when she accidentally knocks Shinae out the window. Alyssa is a mess and she’s not good at handling crisis and she rarely, if ever, chooses to do the right thing. The moment it all starts coming down, she buckles and folds under pressure. I know a lot of people are upset that she didn’t call 911, but frankly, I think she couldn’t. With what we know of Alyssa, it wouldn’t be the first time she froze and panicked in a situation of crisis. Compare her going home “feeling sick” because her attempt to make friends (selling their project) blew up in her face to the actual horror of shoving someone out the window and, yes, the trouble that would come from it? I assume Alyssa went into a panic attack or some kind of crisis and froze up, too afraid to deal with what happened. I’m not saying it’s right, but I also don’t think Alyssa’s lack of interaction is as malicious as people make it out to be. I think she’s a middle school child ensnared by intense guilt and horror and fear and didn’t know how to react. I imagine she went home and never breathed a word of this, only begged her parents to withdraw her, told them she changed her mind, she didn’t want to do public school, told them it was awful and she never ever wanted to return again.

All the time I thought that Alyssa never had the therapy or closure that she needed was because I thought her parents and their obsession with image probably never gave her the opportunity, but now I realize it’s probably that Alyssa, much like Shinae, likely buried this deep, deep down where she could pretend it was something that never happened, something that happened to a person she no longer is. That’s probably how Alyssa is able to face Shinae at the formal - because she has to, because masking and putting on a show is her literal career, because if she gives that incident or her guilt even one moment to breathe, her entire carefully constructed facade would fall apart.

Again, Alyssa is so much like Kousuke in the sense of denial - that they have to deliberately look away from things in order for their personal truths to hold value. The moment Alyssa has to face her past, to revisit what happened, how she treated Shinae, there’s a good chance for it all fall apart. Sure, she can dig her heels in the way she does with Nol and deflect, but we also know that for a brief period of time, Shinae was important to Alyssa, even if Alyssa couldn’t let it be true. How much would she be able to deflect? How much would she be able to shift blame? I think the only way for Alyssa to ever come to terms with what happened in the past is if she is confronted, if she and Shinae ever talk it out, but I also don’t think, at least certainly not at this stage, that Alyssa would ever be as honest as she needs to be. Maybe Shinae would be able to one day accept that this is the sum of Alyssa: a messy attempt at trying to be the impossible, that she never meant to hurt Shinae, but was still willing to throw her under the bus.

And despite it, Alyssa left a get well soon present, with the most cavalier note in the world. I... can’t lie, I kind of laughed about it, because that note comes across so cold and empty, but also what else was she going to write? Sorry I pushed you out a window. Sorry I threw you under the bus. Sorry I was the most undeserving friend to you? Again, they are children, and frankly they are dealing with something bigger and darker than they are probably ready to. I think this is Alyssa’s weird way of trying to show care and concern, but so bogged down by guilt that she can’t truly face Shinae. Even if she knew the hospital Shinae was in, I don’t think she would have been able to do it, to face her in a hospital gown with a scar where her skull was literally cut open. To face her and know the role she played in this, who it all transpired because of her. Like Shinae, she buried it so deep down it felt like a whole other lifetime. But I think much like with Shinae, there’s only so far you can repress things before your past returns to haunt you.

This is something I’m now thinking about: the weight and impact of an Alyssa bullying reveal in the light of knowing how few people know of her involvement. We’ve talked before about how a bullying scandal could affect Shinae but that was under the assumption that everyone already knew Shinae was involved. Imagine a rumor coming to light, that Alyssa had been a bully in middle school, that she and another student ganged up against other students, and that she even pushed that student out a window before disappearing. Minhyuk and Maya would instantly know it was Shinae - something she’s kept from them for so long would be made public without her consent, possibly before she’s even ready to deal with it. Depending on the wording, it could be easy to accuse Shinae of making the accusation to take down her career, and given that Alyssa tends to mirror Kousuke, I wouldn’t be surprised by this, but I like to hope that Alyssa would have better sense to expect the other two girls if there was any other background information alluding to her and the “other bully girl” aka how they all saw Shinae.

I think it does also bring us back to the Other Bully Issue. When the bully girls tease Alyssa for defending Shinae, they pull the “if you care so much why don’t you marry her?” line, which in and of itself is not very nefarious, but Alyssa’s reaction to it still comes across as.... heated? It’s hard to read in the moment, since she’s trying to clear her name and make it seem like she has no lingering attachment towards Shine, but at the same time, it’s been a quiet, running theme, a thing that Alyssa so vehemently fears getting out that I feel like we still cannot definitively rule it out. I still think there could be a good chance that bullying accusations could possibly be entangled with potentially trying out to Alyssa (which I feel is frankly far too much).

On a different note, tethering back to our current story, I am absolutely blown away by the reveal that the orange sweater Shinae has worn before was from Alyssa. Literally, this blew my mind so much! I think it’s some kind of testament to Shinae’s level of repression, too, that she can still wear it in the present without feeling any type of way about the person who gave it to her. Like, if she had any resentment towards Alyssa, that sweater would be burnt up or at least donated. Of course, this doesn’t tell us anything new, because numerous times throughout the story, we have seen that Shinae has mostly confusion towards that time of her life, and usually wishes Alyssa well.

In fact, as a “fun” (depressing) fact, in episode 16 we are shown a vague, blurry flashback of Alyssa pushing Shinae - and she is wearing this exact sweater as she thinks back on it. In fact, she was literally wearing a yellow tee-shirt at the end of the episode prior! The fact that she appears wearing it while thinking about the very incident that afforded her this sweater?! (The fact that she wonders how she is, well she hopes and the scene cuts to Nol trying to get in touch with Alyssa and her not answering the call? What a segue!)

Actually, it’s kind of darkly funny that this is the sweater Shinae is wearing when Maya set her up to meet with Kousuke and Nol - the latter of whom has unearthed all this deeply buried trauma of not meaning something to the person you care about, of being abandoned and cooly tossed aside like trash. LISTEN YOU KNOW THIS IS MY SHIT. I cannot! Deal with this detail!

(That said, after Shinae was splashed by that child’s mom, she thinks “this isn’t even my sweater”. The bird is also facing a different way on the shirt Shinae wears early in the series. I wonder if that’s an oversight of quimchee’s part or if there’s something more to reveal to us in time.)

I also cannot deny the irony of Shinae falling and likening it to flying, of looking at that bird and wishing she, too, could take flight and and feel the freedom of the sky, and that being the design on the shirt Alyssa gives her. It just.... feels SO deeply ironic.

I think we are at the end of the flashback - maybe another episode or two, but if it goes back now, I wouldn’t be surprised! I’m curious to see where this brings us in the present. I’d noted on reddit that I think there is a lot of room for Shinae to take a stumble, for this recollection to affect her and be a pushback on the growth she’s made, but narratively that would be SUCH a disappointment and frankly, anti-climatic, after the efforts she went through to bring Nol back. I think - or at least I hope - that reliving this nightmare in her past with given Shina renewed resolve, to face Nol, to embrace friendships, to dig her heels in on what she was saying - that things happen to them and maybe it’s not punishment, maybe the universe has no sense of rhyme or reason and they shouldn’t believe that they are being punished for things beyond their control, for things they could not affect. They did not choose to be born the people they are, but they can choose to defy what life has offered them.

#I Love Yoo #ILY Spoilers #ILY FP #ILY Brainrot #Shinae Yoo #Alyssa Cho #Minhyuk Park #Maya Park #Nol #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #i hate that tag lmao #GOD this one is long but i don't think anyone is surprised #i have a LOT of rambling going on under the cut about just idk the general DEPTH of everything and how it's all played into and affected the #story at this point and what i think is so important and vital that it had to be explored in such depth and scrutiny. i think this incident #was such a formative foundation not only for Shinae and Alyssa but for people close or involved. like i wouldn't say maya is a close party #but she's certainly tethered to the incident by way of her guilt and the opportunity she didn't take to invite Shinae to join and maybe wait #for her or something. idk! i just have a LOT of thoughts and finally was able to articulate them decently enough. i feel like it doesn't all #come across the way i want it to but this will have to do! idk i have enjoyed this arc - in the way that you can appreciate a trainwreck i #guess lol like it feels bad to say but seeing how everything played out and went down and the ramifications of it is satisfying in a really #upsetting way. getting to see the way this affected and changed everyone like how Minhyuk made this an entire part of his personality of #their whole relationship and the new perspective it gives towards how Dieter sees his interference #Dieter cannot begin to understand why Minhyuk is so overprotective of Shinae and why he goes out of the way like he does #I also cannot help but look forward to an inevitable day when this all comes out into the open because there's no way we went through all #this just for it to remain a quiet secret between Shinae and Alyssa. what happens when everyone finds out - not just Nol Dieter Soushi #but Minhyuk and Maya too? what happens when it's dragged into the open how Alyssa treated her how the fall happened?#Even though I don't think Shinae is telling Nol (or at least if she tells him anything she will omit Alyssa) I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE THINKS.#BECAUSE HE DID THIS TO HER TOO. BECAUSE HE MADE HER THINK THEY WERE FRIENDS ONLY TO CAST HER ASIDE AND MAKE HER FEEL WORTHLESS #and it was worse because he had to break down her walls in order to do it #will he finally understand why she chased him so hard why she's fighting so hard for him why she believes in him when he can't believe in #himself? will he understand the ways he hurt her when he never anticipated doing so?

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