#I wish I could’ve just recorded myself all day

[sneezarify]

TL,DR enjoy a desperate hitching wet sneezing fit xx

I’m sick again. Yesterday was the sneeziest day yet. Yesterday included mini fits of sneezes, plus Verrryyy regular intense single or double sneezes. My nose got no peace from the moment I woke up until about 3pm when I finally took a nap. Basically a long way to say some sneeze content is incoming.

#snz kink #snzblr #snz wav #sick wav #snz fet #snz audio #I wish I could’ve just recorded myself all day #Because my nose was unwilling to REST #I’ve not been so teased and tickled for a while #I’m so congested #My brain hurts #Does anyone else get a tight head & dizzy & forgetful when they’re sick? #This cold is turning me the FUCK on

[preciouslandmermaid]

so as u guys know i went through a breakup in june. which was a good thing. i wasn’t invested in the relationship, i was unhappy, the honeymoon had faded, there were flags that i simply couldn’t ignore (both in him and myself!) and i knew i needed to return to my happiest state - being single and annoying online.

today, on the first day back of work, this motherfucker asks to talk to me afterwards and im like “yeah sure.” thinking that like we’re just gonna chat real quick in the parking lot. no. hes like “where can we meet.” and im like “idk starbucks i guess.” 

i’ve been keeping my distance from him because that’s what was best for ME. we literally haven’t spoken in 2 weeks. so i gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought he was just trying to catch up, be friendly. i rationalized that since we were only together about 5 months, then it wouldn’t be completely weird to start being friends now that 2 months have passed since the separation. 

besties....he wanted to know if we could get back together. 😠 i was like ?????????? and he was like “well, we spent the summers working on ourselves” (bro ur still not in therapy so i disagree), and then he was like “i feel like we broke up because i was having such a hard time at work and was going through a hard time and it reflected on our relationship.” and i was like uhhh. and so i said a metaphor i was like “us getting back together would be like trying to complete a puzzle when you’ve lost pieces in the vacuum.” and he goes “OH WELL, relationships have their ups and downs! we could still find those pieces.”

i legit wish someone was recording my face. i was in shock. like when we broke up, i did tell him i hoped we could be friends, i told him i hoped we could be in each other’s lives and that maybe (and it’s a big maybe) we could reconnect in the far future. (but, i remember when i said this, i was only saying it to be nice. which was a mistake since it led me to this whole conversation). 

ANYWAYS. to make a long story short. i told him No. and he was like “why i dont understand. you said you loved me. how could you love me and then not love me anymore. this is really hurting my self-worth. i dont understand. what changed??”

and i just...didn’t engage really. i wasn’t gonna list all the reasons. i already did that when we broke up and he demanded answers. i told him that i didn’t feel the connection anymore. and i already know im hurting his feelings AGAIN. eventually i just said “i’m happier single.” and he was like “oh? so i won’t see you dating someone in six months?” and i was like “probably not?? but idk?” he also brought up an old interaciton we had waaay back in march and tried to gaslight me by saying i got defensive during it, but i literally wrote that interaction down beat by beat so i remember how it went because it made me feel so uncomfortable and was my first serious red flag. >:( you cannot trick me! 

we managed to end the conversation and i stayed firm within my boundaries even tho he looked sad/was tearing up and kept asking me for reasons (idk why being unhappy in the relationship isn’t a reason enough for him??) a few hours after i got home, he texted me and was like “Was everything you said earlier true? No lying to save my feelings?” and i texted him back and was like “Yeah, it was all true.” idk how i could’ve been any clearer. i think he just dislikes hearing things he doesn’t want to hear. (omg also he brought up bell hooks--someone i introduced him to!--and was like “are you just chasing the next high?” and i was like “??? idk ??” )

my friends keep telling me he was emotionally manipulative, but it’s hard for me to see it. maybe in time i will be able to. but again--im just proud of myself for not “cowering” and changing my mind because i’ve got a person in front of me who i do care about --and who is sad--who i could make happy by doing what he wants.

but that is no life worth living. i live for myself. for my own happiness. and i was not happy in the relationship. you don’t need any other reason to leave-- if you’re unhappy, you can just go. it’s fine. i think that’ll be the big lesson i takeaway from this whole debacle. 

#blue rambles #im TLDRing a lot of this interaciton #but im so proud of myself jsldfkjsdl

[thotsforvillainrights]

I think we could all use something silly,so how about headcanons of the shie hassaikai going bowling?

(Makes me want to go bowling again myself haha! I wasn’t sure if reader was supposed to be inserted into this one or not so I just decided to do the boys only! Also, we’ll open it up with Chisaki if that’s alright!)

~The Hassaikai Goes Bowling~

headcanon|scenario|imagine|match-up

-He was quiet, too quiet. The old man was either sick or plotting something. Chisaki could tell simply from observing Pops in the moment. It wasn’t as if business was bad lately. In fact, it was the best its been in a while. So because of this, he knew Pops wasn’t upset which only left one possibility...”Oh no.” Pops smiled as he stood at Kai’s office door with a matching T-shirt similar to the one he was clothed in himself. “Why the long face boy?! Cheer up! I’ve decided to bring a few of the men for an outing to celebrate our recent success! Here, we have matching shirts!” The old man tossed the shirt onto Kai’s desk. Chisaki picked it up and shrunk into himself from embarrassment. “The 8 pins of death???” He scowled at the Shie Hassaikai symbol surrounded by bowling pins. “Pops no...please?” The old man frowned before moving to thump Chisaki on the head (just as he did when he was a child). “No complaints! The car is warmed up and we’re riding with Chrono there! Get changed and let’s go have fun eh?” 

-Kai silently wished Hari had wrecked the car on the way to the bowling alley to save himself from the outing but unfortunately Hari’s bad driving wasn’t bad enough to kill...yet.

-There was nothing more silly than seeing a faction of the Yakuza out on a bowling fieldtrip. Had it not been for Pop’s kindness then they likely wouldn’t have been allowed into the building. The workers were scared and rightfully so! Katsukame was with them and kept staring the people down. Rappa was no help at all either! However, people respected the old man regardless of the yakuza actions. Therefore, the boys had gotten in with no problem. Kai was being difficult with the show switching. He refused to change out of his shoes and put on the bowling shoes. “Who knows how many other disgusting feet they’ve touched. Absolutely not. No fucking way am I doing this. Pops, I’m going to go wait in the car.” Pops grabbed him by the ear and basically dragged him with him. “You may not want to wear the shoes, but you’re going to spend time with us regardless of the situation young man.” Sometimes Kai just wanted to die when he was treated like a kid again.

-Deidoro found out they served beer at the concession stand and he stood in a very long tine for the tiny overpriced cup. Nemoto didn’t trust the food enough to buy any of it, so the drinks were also off the table. He wasn’t a germaphobe, but he could’ve swore he saw a fly or two back in the kitchen. This didn’t bother Tabe since he came with a pocket full of money and a goal to get everything the menu had to offer. The concession workers had their work cut out for them tonight. Setsuno snuck off to the arcade room when he saw a stuffed animal sitting in a claw machine that he secretly wanted so badly. Unfortunately Irinaka had caught him and ended up recording him the whole time. He’d probably use this against the man as blackmail whenever he needed something. While Setsuno won his plush and snuck it out to the car while he thought no one was looking, a few of the others were entering their initials into the machine for the first round of the game. 

POP-Pops

KAI-Kai

ASS-Rappa

TNG-Tengai

CHR-Chrono

HOJ-Hojo

NEM-Nemoto

-”Really...Ass? How childish can you get?” Tengai complained as Rappa chuckled to himself. First up it was Pops. The old man had lost some of his bulk from his younger days but still had the strength to pick up a heavier ball and roll it. Surprisingly he’d taken down a good amount of pins! Rather satisfied with a good start, he stepped out of the way and tapped the ball dispenser while looking at Kai. The young head sighed and finally gave into the activity. He walked up to the balls and frowned before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a disinfectant wipe. He wiped the ball holes good before lifting it up and carelessly rolling it along the way. “Boooooooooo, Overhole can’t bowl for shit!” Rappa teased when the ball crawled its way into the gutter and missed every single pin. Kai glared at him as he took his seat. “Lemme show you how it’s done!!!” Rappa wasn’t even using his strong arm quirk when he let the ball fly. It rapidly knocked down a ton of pins, nearly enough to get a full strike. “Let’s go!!!” Rappa cheered himself on and Pops chuckled (despite Rappa taking the lead over him). Tengai stood up and gently grabbed the ball before standing there and calculating in his head just where he’d need to roll it and at what speed. After about 5 minutes...and Rappa booing him on...Tengai was finally ready to roll the ball. So he did! And it rolled so slow that it did the very same thing Chisaki’s ball did when it went into the gutter. Tengai frowned and a few of the others laughed (excluding Nemoto and Kai of course). “Better luck next time, pal.” Chrono pat his back as he stood up. When Chrono rolled his ball, he got a strike. His form was perfect and his speed was on point. “Hari if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’ve done this before hmm?” Pops smirked at him. Hari shrugged and smiled. “I’m the bowling master.” Hojo chuckled and rolled his eyes. “I’ll show you the bowling master.” 

-By the end of that round/game the person that came out on top had actually ended up being Nemoto! Hari was 2nd, Hojo 3rd, Rappa 4th, Pops 5th, Tengai 6th, and Kai was in dead last. Soon the others joined in the other lane for their game while the first group too a break to eat. All except Chisaki and Nemoto of course. Kai ended up sneaking over to the next lane and joining in the game with the others.

SET-Setsuno

TAB-Tabe

MIM-Irinaka

ASS-Katsukame

TIT-Deidoro

KAI-Kai

“Tit? Are we being absolutely serious right now Deidoro???” The man shrugged at Kai. “What? Ass was already taken by Katsukame so I had to go with Tit.” Deidoro defended himself as if it was a regular thing to do. Setsuno was up first and he was extraordinarily bad at bowling. He had a light ball so it should’ve been faster than the heavier ones. How it’s possible to miss every single time was ridiculous. At least now Kai knew he wouldn’t be dead last. Tabe was up next. He wasn’t too bad at it. Tabe was probably average when stacked against the others. He was okay with that. He didn’t sense any real need for competition and was just happy to be out and about with his group. Irinaka was like Rappa, bowling too hard and too fast but still taking out pins. He might’ve possibly jammed the machine a few times and the workers had to come fix it. “Should’ve stayed in your small form and let them bring the little kids bowling slide out to help you. Maybe then you would’ve stuck out at least.” Katsukame shit-talked the man and Mimic growled at him. Although the power was there, Katsukame still lacked what he needed to be good at bowling. He was too tall and too rough with the ball. He ended up throwing the damned thing instead of rolling it. It’s lucky the workers hadn’t decided to kick him out yet! Deidoro by now was drunk off his ass and rolled the ball across into the other lane somehow and completely fucked up some poor families outing. Pops stood up from his food table and went to apologize to them while Nemoto had to help Deidoro into the parking lot so he could puke into the bushes. Finally it was Kai’s turn. He found that he rather enjoyed bowling once he actually stopped complaining and pouting like a teenager and finally played the game like it was supposed to be played. Turns out he was rather good at it (and Pops of course took lots of pictures since he was proud). “We’ll have to do this again someday.” The old man spoke to himself as he watched his boy get yet another strike.

#turned a little soft near the end there #my bad yall! #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #shie hassaikai #yakuza #eight bullets #Eight Precepts of Death #eight expendables #eightfold cleansers #Headcanon

[daybr43ks-lam8]

[Audio entry 001 - Give a sincere apology to the discarded masks, for their absence leaves a heavy toll]

[THE FOLLOWING IS TRANSCRIBED FROM THE ONLY AUDIO RECORDING DAYBREAK HAS RECORDED. THE TAPE WAS FILMED SPORADICALLY OVER THE COURSE OF THE DAY, DIVIDERS REPRESENT CUTS IN THE AUDIO FILE, EITHER FROM CORRUPTION OR TAMPERING.] 

[ D@BRR333#$%3AAAA&^*&7382K %UNM00R33 BECOMES INCREASINGLY MORE STRESSED AS THE AUDIO PLAYS ON]

No better than to just.. Talk right? Just speak whatever? As my real self?

————————————————

I can’t find myself alone, I’m just in desperate need of someone else. Someone to give me the happiness I want and th. the love I don’t deserve. The loneliness I feel with myself, the thoughts when I’m with.. Myself. I ssSsee things… With.. Myself. I don’t like.. Me when I keep driving people away. They disgust me, they hate me. I’m not good for them, and I’m not good for myself when I stress.. Because then I’m not.. Good for anyone. I hurt the ones I wish to keep. So, I found a solution. 

————————————————

I keep… These masks hurt when I let myself breath.. Let.. Myself think. I’ve had to think more than usual. And and I’ve been stressed more than usual. I don’t want to admit why I.. Went after the kid. But, I’ve regretted ever saying anything. And, the more and more people come after me and hear, the more and more I stress out and I go after him… Because I don’t want to hu-.. 

…

To.. Face myself so I just.. Hurt the ones they love. I. I can’t tell you what happened with Cesar though, I think I got too… I’m just.. Making excuses I.. I shouldn’t be allowed to keep them. I knew I didn’t deserve him, nor Jonah.. Nor Dave or Thatcher… Any of them. They’d have been better off without my masquerade, I thought I crafted them with perfection but.. I just crafted them with tears instead. I can’t keep a mask, they burn my skin if I mess up, and I’m back to square one. Artemis… He ran away, a coward, I had nowhere to go. Hawthorne they.. He messed up so much with them. I didn’t know what would happen if I… Let them go around and tell. I didn’t want to be tracked back into Mandela.. No, I wanted to start again. I hoped if I had no husks of my old life other than a few tapes maybe.. Maybe it’d work out. 

I feel bad, for the ones I fooled. But if I got what I wanted and didn’t feel so pitiful like I always do, and be numb to it all.. Maybe everyone could’ve gotten what they wanted. Cesar, his loving.. Older brother. Jonah, someone to help him along… Dave would still.. Be friends with me if I wasn’t like this. Yet I feel terrible when I let myself soak and contemplate alone, whether I should’ve lied at all… Whether I should’ve even come.. Maybe I was meant to be left.. Bleeding out in the snow…. I ask myself so many things with no answers..

And- sometimes.. I ask myself if there was anyone ever truly there. If I knocked on my door, would anyone be home? Nothing I’ve ever done, nobody I’ve ever been has been really there. Really real. I’ve been living an imagination my whole life. Their- their beloved friend is just.. Nothing. I lied to them all, everything I said being numb, to them it’s all real. They all believed me. If I, if I ever told them the truth they’d say I was lying to them, they only got to- to know me at my worst, when, when everything crashed down on me and, I lost it. They’ll only see me as the monster I am I can only play it all off, li. like I alw.ways have.. JussssSst a mon.. monster. I can’t. I can’t tell them. I.. Fucked up I-

————————————————

If I could, restart all this, become.. Someone else, someone who isn’t me, someone who is as as beautiful an.d and loveable as they are. IF I COULD TRULY DESERVE THE MERCY THEY BEAR, IF I COULD LIVE AND BE ABLETO BREATH LI LIKE I NORMAL PERSON. JJUST PLEASE LET ME WORTHY FOR ONCE, LETME BE WORTHY. I WANT TO FEEL LIKE SOMEONE ELSE, I DON’T WANT TT TO LIE ANYORE I’M SSssSSSSICK OF IT, I’M HURTING THEM EVEN MORE. MAKE ME FORGET MY NAME, MAKE ME FORGET THE LIFE I NEVER HAAD I’M SICK OF IT.  PLEASE SOMEONE HEAR ME, I’M JUST I’M JUST A SHAM THAT’S ALL I’LL EVER BE, THAT’S ALL SUNMORE EVER WAS- 

————————————————

Just….

Please.. Forgive me for all the dam.age I’v..e done… Even,, even if it’s fake.. I can’t.. Bear the sight… Of my own… Face. I know you don’t either. … Apologize to.. Those wh… who endur..ed wi..th my shit.. They deserv..ed better… 

[END TRANSCRIPT]

#lore

[sacha-da-1]

A tpotd fanfic

Warning: angst

Characters: Dhawan!Master, Second Doctor

*The Master is left all alone by Yaz, solemnly playing a tune on the Doctor’s old recorder*

A voice from behind had startled him from his consuming melancholy. “Excuse me, I think that belongs to me!” He quickly turns to catch a glimpse of the voice he swears he’s heard before. And he’s right, it’s HIM! But it can’t be…. Hallucinating again is he? This is getting ridiculous!

“You’re not here.” The disheveled man sneers and slowly lifts the instrument back to his face, a tremor forming in his fingers. The man from behind steps closer and reaches out to retrieve his possession, “I think you’ll find that in fact, I very much am!”

His hand appearing before his face causes him to jump and drop the object he had moments earlier been holding onto so tightly. “Oh, you’ve dropped it. Shame, no matter, it’s still intact!” The familiar man crouches down to retrieve it and softly blows the dust from it.

“There we are, all better. I’m almost surprised this is the first time I’ve had to catch you with this….. I assume you are from my far future…. you never could keep your hands off my things, not even at the academy…. Surely that’s been a long time for you, I’m sorry. I don’t know anything of how things turn out in my future. Not yet at least.”

The Master stares at him with interest. Taking in each movement and gesture. Watching the clumsy man try his best to maintain his composure in his uncertainty. He looks, but he does not speak, and does not move, not yet.

Some would say he hardly knew this version of him, but that wasn’t entirely true. Of course, at this point in the other man’s life, the two hadn’t been reunited yet, if you disregard the time he would’ve forgotten, when he had been accompanied by three of his other selves in the Death Zone on Gallifrey. (Now, that was quite a day!) But the Master did have his ways of keeping tabs on his dearest enemy, even when they were apart. But he always did wish they’d spent more real time together when he had occupied this form.

The Doctor finally breaks the heavy, uncomfortable silence: “I suppose you’re wondering why I’m here and how I found you. Well…. It’s kind of embarrassing to tell I suppose, but I may have gotten just a little overzealous and got a tracker for this. One that transcends time frames, of course. Thing is…. I can’t even remember what the incident was that caused me to get it. You’d think I’d remember something like that if it made such an impression. But I can only assume it had to do with a crossing of my own timeline or something of the sort, so I took it upon myself to prepare for the next time….”

Still no words separated from the Master’s lips. And the Doctor found himself shuffling a bit uncomfortably under his unwavering gaze. The other man opened his mouth to say something else, but the Master managed to speak first. “How did you…. How do you know it’s me?” The Doctor gapes at his old friend and is frozen still for just a moment as he ponders his reply, but then his expression melts into a fond smile. “Well, that’s my little secret.” He says as a playful grin spreads across his face.

“Now, I’d love to stay a little longer, but it appears I’m running out of time, or rather, you are running out of time. To be precise. I know our parting all those years ago, wasn’t the most pleasant, but I want you to know that I still care…. I hope you can find it within you to believe me. I still care very much for you, Master….” He finds himself looking down after that remark and forces himself to meet his friend’s eyes once again. It didn’t take much time for the Master to observe that tears had started in the Doctor’s eyes….. and also in his own. “…. Goodbye, my friend. Here, you’ll be needing to return this to my ship. When you’re ready…. If you like….” His voice cracks and the Master can hardly keep it together. Both their hands clasp either side of the instrument, remaining their for a moment that could’ve been a whole lifetime or a mere split second, before the Doctor finally lets go and continues: “Or you know, you can just….” He doesn’t have time to finish before he feels the pressure of the Master clinging to him and pushing all his weight onto him in a hug. He remains silent, but the Doctor can feel tears leaking through his jacket. “Oh I’m so sorry…..” He speaks, though he does not yet fully know what for. Or even if any of it other than their initial parting is truly his fault. If he truly has any reason to apologize at all. The Master twitches a few times, against his will and after a long moment, in which the Doctor does not interfere, does he release him from his arms. The tears are gone, but his face betrays him.

The two stare at each other a moment longer and exchange meaning and feelings between each other that no words could ever suffice to hold the true power of. And even if they could, it’s only assumed their own pride or perhaps even fear might get in the way of them sharing their truth. But here is their sanctuary, a look that tells all that needs to be told, and no words need be spoken.

A tear glistens as it trails down the Doctor’s face. He looks as though he can’t catch his breath, but he pushes through to speak one last time. “….. I’ll see you again, Master…. Promise you won’t disappear on me, will you?” He didn’t mean to let that last part slip out. The Master cannot speak, but he nods firmly in agreement. Though he does not know if he can keep that promise in truth, at least not this time…. How things have changed. He opens his mouth again and wills himself to speak but he can’t. He lets out a shiver that his body no longer has the power to suppress. “…. I know.” The Doctor slips up again. The Master’s eyes shoot back up to meet his. But there’s no anger, well no true anger, only longing for the fading presence of his friend. The Master nods again with as much strength and control as he’s able to maintain, and softly slides his hands over the beloved recorder. His Doctor’s prized possession. The Doctor offers him a final, soft, sad smile and wanders off to return to his ship. As he hears the sound of his ship disappear, and the Master slowly settles back onto the ground, the sound of the same ship, only many years into the future, announces itself once more…..

#my hand slipped! #haven’t fully proof read this #i just let the feelings flow #willing to make corrections if I made mistakes #doctor who #tpotd #the power of the doctor #doctor who spoilers #dw spoilers #tpotd spoilers #the power of the doctor spoilers #second doctor x dhawan!master #two x dhawan #twodhawan #best enemies #thoschei #doctor x master #fanfiction #doctor who fanfiction #btw the incident that motivated two to get the tracker definitely had something to do with three #angst #angst with softness #angst with comfort #sacha fanfic #sacha shortfics

[punkrockmixtapes]

Music Nerd Stuff

I really should be working but I have no motivation today so I'm wasting my time doing this instead. If you feel like doing this please do. I don't know who to tag but I'll tag some folks at the bottom.

1. First Concert: officially? I'm pretty sure the first one I went to all by myself was Soundgarden/Rev Horton Heat at Max Bell. There were a few at that same time that I had gone to so I'm not sure but I'll stick with that answer. I know I bought Rev Horton Heat shirt with a Devil girl on it and it got me into a lot of trouble at school the first time I wore it. This probably ages me a little bit.

2. Last Concert: I think the last show I went to was Hot Water Music and Sincere Engineer. I've been super weird about doing anything since Covid. I mean weirder than I normally am. But I'm trying to force myself to go to more shows again. Sincere Engineer were amazing. I can't wait to see another show at a better venue.

3. Most Surprising Show: Hmm...this is tough. I've seen some pretty cool shows especially when I worked at the record store and would just get free tickets to anything. Seeing RVIVR on a whim at a bike shop in town. The show wasn't advertised or promoted at all. I just happened to stumble upon a random instagram post. I had never even seen this shop and it was like 10 blocks from my old house. So I went. It was so amazing. It felt like when I went to shows in high school. It really rejuvenated my love for punk rock.

4. Worst show: Oh I have seen a lot of those...as I mentioned I had a free ticket to almost anything that came through town and I would take full advantage of it. Like I went to see Styx with Gowen singing just because I could. Plus all the basement/all ages shows. I mean you gotta sift through some mud to get some gems. But, maybe the most disappointing was Arcade Fire. It was on their first "big" tour. To be fair I wasn't that into the album yet. But all I had heard was how amazing this band was live and how it was going to blow my mind. I legit fell asleep during the show on a couch. Like not related to booze or being tired. I might as well have been in a boring lecture at school.

or maybe Ozzy the last time I saw him. I saw him in like 96 and he was rad and energetic. Then I saw him later on pre the Sabbath reunion. We were lucky (or so I thought) to be side stage. But Ozzy was decrepit and couldn't move. He was reading off a teleprompter and it was sad seeing the regression. I have heard he ruled on the Sabbath shows but I didn't buy tickets for that based on this experience.

5. Loudest: Hmm...I assume all the basement shows were loud and probably were not good for any future hearing loss but the loudest show with an actual PA had to be the Misfits when they came through on the first run with Graves singing. I don't think my ears were ever the same. I also learned that wearing plugs at a show is probably a smart idea. Alas it was too late.

6. Band I’ve Seen The Most: I'd say Chixdiggit because they played all the time when I was a teenager. I'm sure there are other local bands that I saw just as much.

7. Best Show: Too many contenders. I have been fortunate to see so many good shows. I am a sucker for small venues and I really hate stadium or festival shows. I guess that's the punk rock snob in me. But the first one that came to mind was The Weakerthans at the multi cultural centre. It was an all ages show, on a Sunday , in the middle of summer which usually meant a giant failure at the time. I hadn't been a fan. I was too young to get that kind of music. But the show made me one. Plus I still get butterflies because that whole day was fantastic like some sort of scene in a movie when the main character looks back and reflects on something formative or romantic.

8. Happiest I Got To See: The Menzingers. They had canceled twice here and I finally got to see them. It was probably the first time I was up front at a stage in like 10 years.

9. Wish I Could’ve Seen: There are 3 for me

a) The Murder City Devils - They only played here once as far as I know. I wasn't 18 and I couldn't get into the show. My friend said he would get me in. I was too much of a chicken and I figured they would be back again soon. Much like Mr T at the mall it never happened.

b) Samiam - Same deal as above, same venue, I wish I wasn't such a chicken at the time.

c.) At the Drive In - I didn't get an actual chance to see them but fuck do I wish I could have seen them before they blew up and then hated being a band.

10. Seeing Next: I don't know. I always say I'll go to this show or that show. I'm old, I'm slightly afraid of large crowds now ...but I do have tickets to the Chuck Ragan, The Interrupters and Frank Turner in April. And I really want to see 1876 when they play here for Sled Island. That will rule.

if you feel like doing this @sugartownunderground , @honey-drudgers @capsandbottles97 @serend-p-ty @another-brick-inthewall

#music nerd stuff

[thoughtsinblue]

Sunday Confessions.

I once had a friend who went to the church every Sunday, but she didn't go to church for the sermons or the community or because her mom forced her to, no. As far as I know, she was never religious either, God, she wasn't even Catholic. Every Sunday though, she went to church to confess. Just to confess, that's it.

You see, this was way back in high school. Back when I'd do all kinds of stupid shit like jumping off of the first floor to escape the security guard (don't ask), avoiding school like the plague, getting caught by my friends trying to meet my crush followed by binge-listening to Taylor Swift because "she knew how I felt," you know, typical high-school-aged antics. We've all been there (at least that's what I tell myself to make me feel better anyway.) When I first heard this rumor about my friend, I couldn't comprehend it. It didn't make any sense to me. I'll admit, I found the concept of going to church for the sole purpose of confession sounded pretty cool. But what was I supposed to confess to? Now, I wasn't the brightest. I wasn't an ideal by any stretch of the imagination, but that being said, I hadn't committed any horrific sins to confess to. And wasn't confessing to atrocities without being held accountable - the entire premise of confessions? (Again, I never said I was bright.) And so, I eventually dropped the idea and forgot about the entire thing. That is, until a few days ago.

You see, since then, I do feel like I've done confession-worthy things. A few sins here, a few atrocities there (in hindsight, my Taylor Swift inspired playlists now seem like crimes against humanity.) Needless to say, the well of sins is ever-giving. As the years passed, I've come to realize that we are desperate for, and in desperate need of absolution. Imagine all the times you wish you heard someone say, "It's okay, kid. It's alright. You're alright." Imagine the sigh, the relief, the exaltation you'd feel. I'm sure you're no stranger to that either, you've heard those words a few times. But I wonder if they'd have the same effect if they were as commonplace as "fuck me" and "fuck this."

 We deal with so much on a daily basis. So much uncertainty and guilt and (I absolutely hate this word) trauma, and most of the time, there's no one to help us out. Is it because we as an entire generation have decided to push away people who display even a semblance of care towards us? Or maybe everyone's too busy dealing with their own problems to help us with ours. Either way, what do we do when there's no one to tell us it's okay? Those of us lucky to be able to afford it, go to a therapist. But for the rest of us peasant folk, some days we find a coping mechanism, some days, we subject ourselves to some convoluted self-righteous penance, at times, we repress it for another date, or maybe, just maybe we go to church and confess.

For the record, I still think it's a little weird going to church just to confess, but I get it now. I wish I'd known this back then. Maybe I could've helped my friend better.

I'll leave you with a thought:

In our desperation for absolution, we've completely overlooked what we're really after - catharsis.

- Neelay

P.s. If you liked this piece, maybe you’ll like this playlist: Absolution and Catharsis.

[maddrmatt]

The Gift From Beyond (SoKai Week 2022)

New to this fanfic? Click here to properly begin!

Greetings readers and fellow SoKai fans!  Thanks again for coming back for the next instalment.

In this chapter, to give the visit a few finishing touches, a particular wedding tradition is observed, and one last tale is told.

Enjoy!

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Chapter 5: Last Requests

Radiant Garden

A short while later, the five sat in silence. No one was sure what to bring up next. Having discussed both the past and the future, they were at a loss of where to steer the conversation.  It was dawning on all of them that their visit may have been nearing its conclusion.

“I hate to say this.  But since it’s looking like we’ve run out of things to talk about, do you think maybe it’s time we called Joshua so he can take you back to wherever you came from?” asked Sora reluctantly.

“I think you might be right about that. Sora,” Summer agreed.

Kairi sniffed.  “I really wish it didn’t have to end.  It’s been great having us all together here.”

“I know, my child.  We all feel that way.  Getting to see you again, especially on your wedding day, has been a wonderful experience. But you know what they say about all good things,” said Lillie causing Kairi to nod sadly.

“All right then.  I guess I’ll make the call,” said Sora as he stood up.  “Joshua, we’re ready for you to…”

Suddenly, Grant stood up.  “Hold on a second, Sora.  Don’t call him just yet.”

“Dad?” asked Kairi.

“Honey, what’s going on?” asked Summer.

“I just thought of something I’d like to do before we leave,” said Grant.

“Oh.  Well, in that case, we’re not quite ready yet, Joshua, so don’t come back yet!” Sora called.

They all waited in case Joshua hadn’t heard the retraction.  After a few moments passed and he hadn’t shown up, it was safe to assume he was not coming yet.

“Looks like he heard you, Sora.  So, Grant, what did you want to do?” asked Lillie.

Grant faced his daughter.  “Kairi, when a father’s daughter gets married, he always looks forward to the tradition of walking her down the aisle during the ceremony. Now, I don’t begrudge your adoptive father for being able to do that.  It just saddens me that I missed out on that”

“I know, Dad.  And now that I’ve gotten to know you and Mom, I really wish I could’ve had all four of my parents do that walk with me,” said Kairi sympathetically.

Then Grant smiled.  “But even though that opportunity has passed, maybe we could still share a different wedding tradition before we go, Kairi.”

He held out a hand to her.  “Would the bride care to dance with her father?”

Kairi smiled, rose to her feet and took her father’s hand.  “I’d love to, Dad.”

Grant started to lead his daughter in the direction of a more open area of the garden.  It would serve perfectly as a makeshift dance floor.  Sora and the others watched with touched smiles on their faces.

Then Sora suddenly stood up.  “Hold it!”

Kairi and Grant turned back to face him.  “What is it, Sora?” asked the Princess of Heart

“If you’re going to dance, you’re going to need some music,” said Sora as he reached into his pockets for something.

But to his dismay, he found them empty.  “My Gummi Phone!  It’s gone!”

“Sora, we both left them in our rooms because we didn’t think we’d need them today,” Kairi reminded her husband.

“Oh nuts!  That’s right!”

“Gummi Phone?  What’s that?” asked Lillie.

“It’s a special device that we use to communicate with each other within and between worlds.  But it also has other uses like playing music.  I thought we could play one of the recordings we had in our phones for their dance.  Especially one from our friend Miguel Rivera who’s a musician and songwriter in his world. Many of his songs are themed around family and I just thought that one of them would be perfect for this moment,” said Sora disappointedly.

Grant chuckled.  “Don’t worry about it, Sora.  I appreciate the thought.  But I can provide this dance with a song myself.”

“You sing?” asked Kairi.

“Oh yes.  Your father loved to sing when it was either while working on his garden projects or just to make me smile.  He’s always had such a charming voice,” said Summer as she exchanged loving glances with Grant.

With that matter settled, Kairi and Grant resumed their small journey to where they would dance.  In the meantime, Sora took upon himself to turn Lillie’s chair around so she was in a direction she could watch them before sitting on the bench with Summer.

Once Kairi and her father reached the center of their makeshift dance floor, they got into position.  Kairi placed her left hand on Grant’s right shoulder while Grant placed his right hand on her left side.  They then extended their free arms and grasped each other’s free hands.

“Kairi, the song I am about to sing to you is one I haven’t sung in a long time,” said Grant.

“Why is that?”

Grant smiled.  “Because it’s one I used to sing to you when you were just a baby.  I’m so glad I get to sing it to you one more time.”

The two of them began to slowly waltz around in a circular motion.  As they danced, Grant started his song.

(In-Universe Music: You’ll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins performed by Grant.)

The opening lyrics sounded like the words of a parent to a child who was crying.  They carried a vow of protection and assurance of being there for the child.

As she swayed with her father and listened to the lyrics from his gentle voice, a strange feeling came over the Princess of Heart.  Suddenly, she let out a silent gasp.

‘I…I remember!  I’m remembering moments with Mom and Dad!  But I was so young back then, it shouldn’t be possible!  But it is happening!’

Kairi was absolutely amazed by her earliest memories returning.  She desperately wanted to know how it was happening.

Then a possible answer came to her.  ‘Is it Dad’s song?  Is it causing all these memories to return to me?  It must be.  There’s no other explanation.  And I have seen this happen before when we saw Miguel sing to his Mama Coco to restore the memories of her father.’

She looked into her father’s eyes as he continued to sing to her.  Happy tears started to stream down her face as she smiled at him.

‘I guess there really is a connection between melodies and memories.  Oh, Dad. Your song has done something so wonderful for me.’

Grant truly had no idea about what he just done for his daughter.  He simply smiled back as he continued to sing about her being in his heart.

________________________________________________________________

From where they sat, Sora, Lillie and Summer watched the father and daughter duo dance.  All of their hearts were close to bursting with happiness at the beautiful sight.

“I knew Grant was going to sing that song,” said Lillie.

“It was always his favorite one to sing to Kairi,” said Summer.

“And even though it’s been a long time since she’s heard it, she seems to be really enjoying it.  Look how happy she is,” said Sora as he caught glimpses of his wife’s smiling face as she continued to twirl around with her father.  ‘Of all the times to be stuck without a Gummi Phone. Kairi would’ve loved to have pictures of this to remember it.’

As she watched her husband and daughter dance, something caught Summer’s eye as she looked to her son-in-law.  “Sora, can I ask you something?”

Sora turned to his mother-in-law with a look of confusion.  “Sure, Summer.  What is it?”

“I’d like to take a look at your wedding ring, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh!  Of course. Go right ahead,” said Sora as held out his hand that bore his wedding ring to Summer.

After looking over it, Summer said, “My, that’s an interesting engraving on it.”

“An engraving?  On a wedding ring?  May I see it?” Lillie asked causing Sora to hold out his hand to her so she could also take a look it.

There, plain as day, engraved in the band’s golden surface, was a perfect recreation of Sora and Kairi’s paopu drawing.

“It looks like you and Kairi,” said Lillie.

“And they seem to be offering…stars to each other?” asked Summer perplexed.

Sora chuckled.  “It certainly looks that way, doesn’t it?  This drawing’s been a very important part of Kairi’s and my love story because it was probably the earliest way that we showed our true feelings toward each other.  That’s why we requested the Moogles to engrave it on our wedding rings.”

“This drawing sounds it carries a pretty fascinating story.  If you don’t mind, Sora, would you care to tell us about it while Kairi and Grant finish their dance?” asked Lillie.

“We didn’t mention this drawing earlier when we were telling our story?  Or what those stars really represent?” Sora asked to which Lillie and Summer shook their heads.  “I can’t believe we forgot to tell you.  It’s actually one of our favorite stories to tell.”

“Yours and Kairi’s story was a large one, Sora. A few details falling through the cracks can be forgiven,” said Summer.

“I guess so.  But it would’ve been a shame had you not heard about it before you left.  Well, I’m certainly glad I have to opportunity to share it now so here it goes.  You see, back home on the Destiny Islands, there’s this particular island where all the kids like to go to play.  And on it, is a cave that we call the Secret Place.  One of the things we’d like to do in there, is use rocks to draw on the walls. The first time I brought Kairi there after she arrived on the Islands, we drew something together in that cave. I drew her face, and she drew mine. And as you can see from the engraving on the ring, she was clearly the better artist than I ever was,” laughed Sora causing Lillie and Summer to laugh as well.  ‘Naminè had to get her drawing skills from somewhere and it certainly wasn’t from me.’

“I can certainly believe that.  Kairi always drew so well despite being so young.  She must’ve a little artistic talent from her father.  But what are those stars you seem to be exchanging in the drawing?” asked Lillie.

“Actually, it’s a kind of fruit from the Islands that’s shaped like a star.  They’re called paopu fruit.  There’s a legend behind the fruit that if two people share it, their destinies would be bound together and they would remain a part of each other’s lives no matter what,” said Sora.

Summer giggled.  “The way you talk about that legend; it almost sounds like an engagement.”

“It does sound like one, doesn’t it?” asked Sora.

“And even though you were just young children when you drew it, you both wished to share these fruits with each other back then?” asked Lillie.

Sora laughed.  “Not exactly.  That part of the drawing wasn’t added until way later.  For a long time, it was just Kairi’s and my faces looking at each other. Until the day before the Heartless came to the Islands and I first gained the Keyblade.  I was in the Secret Place looking for mushrooms for our upcoming trip on the raft.  Before I left, I looked at the drawing and started to remember when Kairi and I first drew it.  The next thing I knew, I had picked up a rock and was drawing between us, my hand giving her the paopu fruit.”

Summer smiled.  “Sounds to me like you were starting to realize how much she truly meant to you then.”

The Hero of the Keyblade shrugged.  “Maybe I was.  Ever since we met, I sort of felt there was something more than just friendship between us and it seemed to be growing stronger as time went on.  And since I didn’t know how exactly to tell her, I thought adding the paopu fruit to the drawing was a way to express it without words.  It felt like a pretty good idea.  But at the same, it also frightened me.”

“I can understand why, Sora.  You and Kairi had become such good friends and I doubt you wanted to risk ruining it.  Especially since you had no idea then if she truly felt the same,” said Summer.

“That was part of it.  But a bigger part was that I also felt unworthy of her,” said Sora.

“Unworthy?  Why would you believe that?” asked Lillie.

“Because at the time, Riku also appeared to have feelings for Kairi and all of our friends seemed to think that if she were to choose between him or me, she would choose him.  And back then, I had always thought that Riku was better than me at everything, so even I believed she would choose him in the end.”

“Sora, listen to me,” said Summer causing her son-in-law to give her his full attention.  “After everything you’ve done for Kairi, let me tell you that you are definitely worthy of her.  More than worthy, in fact.  Don’t ever let yourself forget that.”

Sora looked at his mother-in-law’s insistent expression before letting out a chuckle.  “You know, Kairi always gives me that exact same look whenever I express those kinds of doubts and she sets me straight.  I see it runs in her family,” he said causing Summer to laugh.

Then he smiled gratefully.  “And yes.  I’ll never forget that.  But it’s always nice to hear it and it means a lot coming from her mother.”

“So, back to subject of the drawing, you’ve told us when you added the part where you offered the fruit to Kairi.  But when did you add the part where she offers it to you?” asked Lillie.

Sora gave a bright smile.  “Actually, I didn’t add that part.  Kairi did it herself.”

“She did?!” exclaimed Summer joyously.

“Yep.  It was one of the biggest surprises I ever got in my life.  After returning to the Islands after defeating the first Organization XIII, I went to the Secret Place one day.  And when I looked at the drawing again, that’s when I saw the addition of Kairi’s hand giving me the paopu fruit.  It was a shock at first.  But then I realized that Kairi must have seen my own addition and then added to it herself.  That gave me hope that perhaps she did feel the same way about me that I did about her. I wanted to talk to her about it. But before we could, we had to start preparing for the final battle against Xehanort so it kind of fell by the wayside.”

“That is unfortunate.  Did you two ever get to share them for real?” asked Summer.

Sora smiled brightly again. “Yes, we did.  In fact, as of today, we’ve actually shared them twice.”

“Twice?  Please tell us about both occasions, Sora,” said Lillie.

“Gladly, Lillie.  The first time we shared them, even though tragedy followed, will always be one of our favorite memories. In fact, we even celebrate the anniversary of it every year.  It was the evening before we faced Xehanort and his new Organization XIII.  We were sitting on our favorite spot on the paopu tree on the Islands and, to my surprise, Kairi just plucked two fruits off the tree and handed one to me.  I couldn’t believe what she was doing.  She was making such a bold move.  But after explaining how she wanted to be part of my life forever, I knew that I wanted the same with her.  We then promised to keep each other safe, and then we shared them.”

“How romantic,” said Lillie.

“But that certainly was quite a promise to make, Sora.  Especially on the eve of such a high stakes battle,” said Summer.

“I’ll admit, it definitely hasn’t been an easy one to keep for the both of us.  Especially since every time we failed to keep it, we would be torn apart.  But Kairi and I have always believed that with the legend of the paopu fruit on our side, along with the special bond between our hearts, we would always find our way back to each other no matter what.”

“Well, seeing as how many times you’ve accomplished that despite numerous separations, it seems that there may be something to this legend after all.  So, what was the second time you shared the fruits?” asked Lillie.

“This morning. During our wedding ceremony.  It’s a tradition from the Destiny Islands that if two people who have shared the fruits get married, they do it again on their wedding day as an act of renewal and strengthening of the bond between them.”

“That’s so sweet,” said Lillie.

“And does it feel like it has gotten stronger, Sora?” asked Summer.

The Hero of the Keyblade gazed over to where his wife was dancing with her father.  He smiled lovingly at her.

“Yes.  I truly believe it has.  And I have a feeling it’s only going to grow stronger as we continue to go through life together.”

Lillie smiled.  “I believe it will too.”

“So do I,” said Summer.

Sora smiled gratefully and nodded his thanks to both of them.  It felt good to know how much they believed in him and Kairi.

Nothing more was said between the three of them and nothing more was needed.  They just continued to watch the dance go on.

But as they listened the lyrics from Grant, a bittersweet feeling came over Summer and Lillie.  Being familiar with the song, they knew that both it and the dance were drawing to a close.  And what would follow next would undoubtedly be one of the most difficult moments they would ever have to face.

________________________________________________________________

As Grant sang more about always being there, the song came to its finish.  Both he and Kairi stopped dancing.

He then finally took notice of his daughter’s tear-streaked face.  “Are you okay, my precious girl?”

“Dad, I remember!” Kairi quietly exclaimed.

Grant looked confused.  “Remember what, Kairi?”

“Moments from when I was young with you, Mom and Grandma!  I remember how you used to rock me and sing that song whenever I woke up in the middle of night and it always helped get me back to sleep.  I remember how Mom would show me some of the flowers she grew and how the colors and scents used to make me so happy.  And I remember how whenever Grandma felt sad, likely from all the hardships she faced, she would cuddle with me, and it made her smile return.”

Kairi then threw her arms around her father’s shoulders and hugged him tightly.  “Your song brought that all back to me.  Thank you so much, Daddy.”

Grant smiled and stroked his daughter’s back in comfort.  “Happy to have helped you in that way.  Kairi? Can you promise me something?”

“Of course.”

“When you and Sora have children of your own, would you sing that song to them?”

Kairi drew apart from her father so he could see her smiling face again.  “I will, Dad and you can count on me keeping that promise.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Sora, it’s how to always keep a promise.  Especially since that song will always remind me of how much I was loved by my birth family.”

A tear dripped down Grant’s cheek.  “Thank you so much, my precious girl,” he said as he kissed Kairi on the forehead and then took her into another embrace.

But as Grant hugged his daughter, a somber look came to his face.  He knew what was to come next.

It was nearly time to say goodbye.

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Notes from the Mad Doctor:

I don’t think there’s any greater Disney song about parental love than Tarzan’s You’ll Be In My Heart other than Coco’s Remember Me.  I thought it was the perfect song for Kairi’s dance with her father and having him sing it would make the moment even more beautiful.

I hope you also enjoyed Sora’s retelling on the tale of the drawing and the paopu fruit. Those are such important parts of his and Kairi’s romance.

I give my thanks to whoever reads this chapter.

I also give my special thanks to @sora9090​ for liking the previous chapters as well as @blackazurebeast​ for reblogging the previous chapters.

Comments, likes and reblogs are much appreciated! For the second last chapter, you might wish to have some tissues handy because, as you probably guessed, it’s going to be a real tearjerker.

Stay tuned!

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Onto the next chapter!

#kingdom hearts #kh fanfiction #sokai #sokai married #sokaiweek #sokaiweek2022 #sora #kairi's parents #kairi #kairi's grandmother #maddrmatt

[spilledcoffeeongoodbooks]

Would it be funny for you if I told you our first meeting was like a broken record inside my mind and it kept on repeating the same scene? I still feel the electricity when we first touched hands and how it went through my spine to wake up the butterflies inside me. Morning breeze, city noises, and the bright sun. A place I never thought would break my heart into pieces just by looking at it. 

I risked it all just to see you. I didn't notice my eggs were burned that day. My socks were opposite. I had to catch the next train because I missed the first one. Shoes were dirty because of the dirty puddle from the rainy night before. The signs were there and I ignored it. I had to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. That I wanted it so I had to suffer for it. I thought wrong. Things were preventing me from doing it because the universe knew I would just punish myself by seeing you knowing you won't ever be in my arms again. The universe knew it would just hurt.

There were no regrets after. Just plain cracks and breaks. Just some “I wish I could’ve done better.”. I wish I could’ve done you better.

[bornzmusic]

Happy Birthday

Today is your birthday. You couldn’t even tell me anything to convince me I’d be sitting here writing this 7 days ago. 7 days ago I hadn’t even thought of you much for the past 4 years. 7 days ago I woke up, my only day off. I slept in till noon. I woke up with this longing for you, I felt it in my bones. How could I possibly still miss you? I layed in bed last Saturday with all my lights and clothes off. I layed there till 5 or 6 just thinking about you. At first I told myself I wasn’t going to give this thought much time but it would feel nice to remember what it was like to be held by you. From what was 5 minutes turned into 5 hours and I went from almost half a decade of never thinking of you to everything all at once. I fell asleep that night replaying all these memories stuffed so far down inside me I didn’t even think I had them. To no surprise I didn’t sleep much that night. I woke up again the next day, again I had felt the same way but even stronger. I felt it consuming me. I told myself, ok you have 2 days to think about this and come back to reality. So that’s what I did. Thought about you. To no surprise again, I was getting less sleep than the night before. Last night I think I slept 1-2 hours. 

Here I am with my eyes burning and letting my fingers take over my body. Each day I grow more anxious. This morning I woke up with my head over the toilet. I didn’t think I could ever feel like this again. The last time I felt like this was maybe 7 years ago? I didn’t think you could still make me feel like this. How do you do it? How do you still have the same effect on me as you did 12 years ago? I hadn’t even given you so much as a passing thought when a song came on or I drove past the old places we used to go to. I usually will think about you for no more than 5 seconds and go about my day. I would have dreams about you here and there. For years, they would come and go. Each time, waking up confused as to why was this happening. You know what they say though, if you dream of someone it means they are thinking about you. I knew no matter how much time passed I was always going to dream of you. I’m not sure if it’s because my subconscious thinks we have unresolved business or if we are connected in all these lifetimes. 

But not once did I let you consume me. I had a great track record and I thought for a while what was a childhood crush was just that. How do you hold this power over me? How are we able to be silent for years and yet here I am feeling like a little kid. You make me feel like a teenage girl all over again. My stomach is turning and my mind can’t shut off. Why? My life is so wonderful and I’m content with the person I’m with. I mean what more can I ask for? He does everything I could need and more. I love my life now. So why is there still a burning hole in my heart where I once left space for you? Why is it taking over my entire body? Why do I feel unfulfilled without you here? Am I just feeling sad for us and our story? Do I just like the anonymity of you? My brain can’t shut off. I think we would be better friends now than ever. 

You would think I’m so different all while being the same. I don’t even cry much. I haven't even cried about this at all. I don’t even remember the last time I cried besides two nights ago when I was sitting at a table with some friends sharing a story about my past and it made them laugh so hard we were silent and crying. I wish you could’ve seen that moment. I needed to laugh so hard I cried. I don’t even know how to explain what I’m like. Calm maybe? God I’m falling asleep writing this. I’ve been thinking about what you’re like now? Are you still the boy with the brightest smile in the room? What car do you drive? How is your gluten allergy? Is Minnie still around? I’d be devastated if not. What do you like to eat? What is your favorite color? Who are your friends? Did you go to school? Where do you work? Do you still call your mom Ma? What do you like to do in your free time? 

I can piece some things together on my own. Your new girl looks beautiful and kind. I love seeing you happy. Usually this news would seem like something I’d feel sorrowful over. But I don’t even feel that at all. I feel at peace knowing you are in good hands. She really seems lovely. You’d probably make fun of me for being with someone younger than me. You and I both understand why we couldn’t be friends. It ruined too many of your lovers. I can’t help but feel responsible for the last 2 relationships of yours ending. I feel sad for those girls. I couldn’t stand myself for a while. I know what they had felt all too well. You would laugh at how my other relationship ended. But that’s another story for another time. One I would have to tell you in person. 

We never got the timing right did we? We always seemed to just miss each other? As long as I’ve known you, you have been in the arms of another. Some of them are my friends, some of them complete strangers. I’ve always been preoccupied too I guess. It’s scary how similar we are sometimes. Yet so different. Here I am, silently celebrating you on your birthday every year. Don’t think I have once forgotten. I always have celebrated you and I always will. Whether you hear from me or not, I will always do that for you. 24. You are 24. That means I have known you for half your life, and each day after this is more than. As I sit here thinking about your 24 years of life, I think about what I remember about you. 

What do you remember? Do you remember walking through our 7th grade English teachers classroom and locking eyes with me. What I would do to rewind time. Do you remember getting seated at the same table as me? Of course you struck up a conversation with me. I don’t even remember what it was about but it certainly made me laugh. We even got in trouble for talking too much. Do you remember laying your head in between my lap at lunch time and I’d run my hands through your hair? Do you remember falling asleep on FaceTime and lighting shit on fire and your mom coming in to yell at you? Do you remember us playing blink 182 on the computer in my room? Do you remember walking with me home most days and spending afternoons at my house even when you could ride your skateboard home and be home in a couple minutes. Or when we would go to our mutual friends house and we watched stupid movies like sharknado and you snuggled up behind me under the blankets? That became our routine. Walk home from school, get into my bed and cuddle while watching a show or movie. 

Do you remember trying to hold my hand every time we left my front door? You just said “let’s hold hands” and at the time I didn’t think anything more of it. God how I was so naive looking back now. I was convinced you didn’t even like me a single bit considering all I ever saw you was with my friends or other girls. Do you remember getting up in the middle of the night trying to look for me to give me your sweat pants but I was at someone else’s house and they had locked me in a bathroom and took my pants? I tried explaining that, but I think I was under the influence. I apologize for being incoherent. You still continued to look for me as if I was home. You ended up falling asleep in your moms car and you were late to math class the next day waiting for a response from me. You walked up to me the next day in our school hallways trying to get answers and I said “don’t worry about it.” And I tried to walk past you but you grabbed my arm and spun me around to look you in the eyes to tell me “well I am going to worry about it because I care about you.” I think I just rolled my eyes and walked away. 

Do you remember me making eggs for you on toast? You acted like it was the best thing you’ve ever tasted. I still think about you when I make eggs. Do you remember I left school for months. And one day you texted me “when are you coming back I miss you” and I said “tomorrow”. How did you know? This is why I think we are connected. I think you thought I was joking, but the next day I was in your very same class. We actually sat through that entire class without you realizing I was there. I just remained silent and watched you from the other side of the classroom. I remember the day I came back to school was the day there was a test assigned. I got up from my seat to turn it in to our teacher and I remember you sat right next to his desk. I said thank you to our teacher and you looked up and our eyes locked. You started giggling because you couldn’t believe it. I think I just said “I told you” and walked back to my seat. 

Days passed and we were still friends. You were a shit head sometimes but nonetheless friends. Do you remember FaceTiming me and my friend and you were drinking. You both were flirting. You ended up showing her parts of you on the screen. Forgetting I was on the other side too. I remember you asking me one day if I had seen it. You looked nervous. I lied and said no. You laughed in relief and said “good.” I remember a rumor getting spread around that someone saw us kiss on the way home from school. God I have never felt more embarrassed because that could not be anything father from the truth. I remember being in Mr Hill's class and he overheard this and just kept encouraging us to be together. He goes “oh you are perfect for each other”. He loved to embarrass me. My cheeks turned red and I tried convincing him that you and I were just friends. He just kept teasing me about it. What did he know about us? Could he feel it too? I remember friends coming up to always ask if we were something, I would always laugh and deny these claims. Because again you were always with a girl. I don’t even think I knew I liked you at that moment. Do you remember leaving your jackets at my house? Somehow they never returned to you? I tried so many times and you kept leaving without it. I’ll be honest, I slept with it for a while. 

I remember you telling me you were leaving to move to Oregon. I honestly thought you were joking and couldn’t even fathom a world without you here. I mean you were a big reason why I continued to go to that school. The days crept up too fast and you were leaving. I remember it was your last day. It was on Halloween I think or maybe a few days before. You texted me asking if I was still at school and I said yes and you told me where to meet you. I think I ran to you. You took the books from my hands and picked me up and spun me. You held me close to your chest and my legs were wrapped around you with my head nuzzled into your neck. Who knows what we said to each other. I can’t remember. All I remember is walking away and feeling the earth move beneath me. The feeling of missing you had never been stronger than that moment it seemed. 

I remember the day you left. I counted down every second. I could tell the girl I was friends with at the time, had a crush on you. She could see the way you looked at me though. She became resentful towards me over time. She hated the fact that after all this time you still were thinking about me. She hated that you trusted me. She hated me out of jealousy. I could see and understand now how she was so insecure. She started bullying me, she told me you had left when you didn’t. I was upset she took time away from me with you. I don't think she could’ve stood to watch us hug again. She started making up lies and stories about me to make herself feel better about herself. I just let her. You can’t win a battle against someone who is constantly losing with themselves. She hated whenever she brought around a guy she liked, we ended up getting along better. I can see why she was so mean towards me now. I see why she felt threatened. At the time I didn’t understand. She made her friends throw crinkled up balls at me in the school hallway. She hated my effortless understanding of life and the people around me. She hated that I was always calm and quiet and she couldn’t stop being loud. It all makes sense now when I put together the pieces. 

After you left I remember you were driving to Oregon I think. You texted me all these things. I thought you were being silly per usual. I remember you texting me “let’s just text each other like we are dating” and you said the cutest things to me. I giggled the whole time not thinking much of it. I continued to sleep with your jacket. It brought me comfort because it smelt like you. Eventually I had to wash it because I wore it too much. But I was so sad to no longer have that. Every now and then I come across a person who smells exactly like you, my memories of you will flood my head for those seconds. I remember you telling me not to worry for you would be back in the summer and for some holidays. Do you still come and visit ? Sometimes I pretend you are here for a few weeks in the summer secretly hoping I’d run into you or pull up to the same stop light and we would look over at each other and smile. I sometimes wish I could just see you in the flesh, I don’t even have to talk to you. To see you existing would be enough. I would think about all those times in middle school where you take photos of me. Do you still have those? I remember you sending me one of them years later and not believing you had kept that same photo on your phone. Do you remember when I went to New York and brought you and only you a present. You loved the giant Rice Crispy and the Statue of Liberty headband I gave you. You had the biggest smile. You said this was the best gift you had ever gotten. I don’t think at that moment you knew you were giving me the best gift I’ve ever received right back to me. Your happiness and your smile. 

Do you remember seeing me in the food court of our local mall and running to pick me up and spin me? Why did we always do that? Do you remember you picking me up to hug you and I wrapped myself around you for the first time and telling me that was the best hug you’ve ever gotten? Time passed and the distance between us was even further. You were adjusting to your new life all while mine was crumbling in front of me. I left that little friend group. One girl had a crush on me and the other girl was mad at her for liking me. They would fight about me. In front of me. Again here she was jealous that another person close to her was more intrigued by me than her. I decided to remove myself as that friendship no longer served me and it felt like she kept me close to keep an eye on me. Time after time she liked all these boys and they just ended up liking me. I didn’t ask for that. But I couldn’t repair the damage she did when she took precious moments away from me when it came to you. That’s where I gave up. I eventually left that school once again. I had forgotten about my entire life there. 

I met up with one of our old friends and she had asked me how you were. I told her I didn’t know because we didn’t talk. She was confused. She thought we were so close, I think she said something along the lines of “oh I always thought you two were good together” I said “really?” Shocked and confused. She said “yes you both have the same eyes.” I thought about that very sentence for months. I thought about that picture of you as a little boy in your baseball uniform. I think it was on a button if I can remember. Time passed and you were adjusting to your new life. I heard one person tell me you had a girlfriend. I didn’t think anything of it, just good for him. I hope he’s happy. More time passed and eventually you showed up in our hometown. I hadn’t heard from you in a while. You FaceTimed me one night to ask to see me and you were with those friends that I had left. I don’t think you knew what happened at least to the full extent. I could hear them in the background laughing and saying hurtful things and my heart sank further into my chest. I hung up. I remember texting you to please stop and what you did was very hurtful and to not contact me again. I had blocked you from my life. 

I was relieved to be honest. I just wanted the past in the past and to get away from those people. I think after that a few months passed and I realized I had feelings for you I couldn’t deny. I told myself in a year from now, if I still felt how I did about you I would tell you. I mean I gave myself a whole year to let those feelings go and yet they only grew stronger each day. I remember one night I couldn’t take it anymore. I had been losing sleep like I am today. I had to tell you. So I did and I didnt know you had a girlfriend at that time but I know you had to let me down easily. You told me you always considered me to be a good friend and honestly I wasn’t sad or anything about that. I didn’t even want anything from it. I just wanted you to know so I didn’t live in regret forever. Honestly after that I felt so free. I felt a weight off of me and I hadn’t thought about you any day after that. 

A few months pass by and summer comes around. I don’t think I even knew you were coming. I had gotten back from a friend's house and was about to go back out to teepee a neighbor's house with my sister and her friends. I received a phone call from you asking me if you wanted to hang out. I said yes, me and my sister and her friends were going out to teepee so you should come. You headed to my house. It’s like we picked up right where we left off. You were more quiet than usual though. I picked up on that. We were headed out the door when you said you had forgotten your shoes in my room. I said no worries and I’ll wait for you at the door. You told me to come with you, so I did. I remember you stood in front of me and just wrapped your entire body around me and hugged me for what seemed like a lifetime. At that moment time was standing still. I could feel how warm you were and what your heartbeat sounded like. I melted under your touch. You took me and we fell onto my bed. Just like old times. 

I remember you closed your eyes and laid on me for a while. To be honest I was just happy to be near you. I wasn’t expecting anything at all. I thought you had fallen asleep. You started to move your head little by little. Your lips eventually made its way to match with mine and you locked yourself onto me. Do you remember unbuttoning my pants and shoving your hand down. We continued to make out and I felt you needed more. Do you remember getting in your car and driving to the park after you said you wanted to get out of here. Do you remember fucking me on that park bench? Do you remember coming to my house day after day and pinning me against the wall in my bedroom and biting my lip? Do you remember breathing heavily down my neck as you kissed it and bit on my earlobe? Do you remember making your lips down my torso to rip off my pants and throw me onto my bed? I remember you kissing in between my thighs and shoving your fingers in me. I remember you throwing me around my bed. The same one we had become friends in. You would pin me down and pull my hair. Do you remember choking me while slamming yourself against me? Do you remember pulling me up on you? You stood up and would fuck me in the mirror. You would put me down and bury my face into the mattress while you brought your hips to meet mine. Do you remember playing Pink Floyd on your brother's record player? Which you had left yet another piece of you at my house. Do you remember taking naps all summer afternoon? Do you remember going with my sister to the grocery store to pull me aside into an abandoned aisle to stick your hands down my pants and start fingering me? 

Do you remember me sitting in the passenger seat of your dads Cadillac suv and holding my hands wherever we drove? Do you remember kissing me at all the red lights? Do you remember tracing my face with your fingertips lightly. I pretended I was asleep. Do you remember kissing my face for what seemed a billion little times. Do you remember driving to Malibu and we stopped on the side of the road to look at the sunset? You put me on your back and you ran down the sandy beach into what felt like a dream. Do you remember bringing me into your grandparents house on 32nd street I think and pushing me onto the bed to eat me out? Do you remember gently kissing me on the forehead and telling me you don’t know what you would do without me? Do you remember kissing me in the doorway each time you had to go back home? Do you remember taking me to the park by my house and laying me in your lap? I remember looking up at you, you were on your phone. You showed me something on your phone and a text popped up from a girl saying “I miss you”. I kept quiet because it honestly didn’t bother me but who am I to know who that was? My friends had suspicions and I had told them to check your finsta from my account to see if you had a girlfriend. I couldn’t bear to know what was the truth. I didn’t want to see it. I still can’t look at your social media to this day. So much time had passed from when I heard you had a girlfriend I didn’t want to create assumptions and think the worst. Part of me just wanted to hold on to this fairytale for a little while longer. My friend had looked at me and said “I’m not going to say anything to you because who knows if they broke up but it does look like he had/has a girlfriend”. And honestly I said whatever and ignored it. I wasn’t going to believe anything until I heard it from you. Does it make me a bad person that I honestly didn’t care if you did or didn’t? Eventually she came to town I guess? That’s ok I had plans of my own too.

 I remember going to Palos Verdes and getting stuck in a situation where a guy had left a hickey on my neck. You seemed upset and fucked me harder than before and left more marks all over my body. I think you were trying to tell me that I was yours for that summer. I remember you picking me up one night and I snuck out and we drove to a quiet place in my neighborhood. You brought blankets and pillows and laid down the seats in the back of that suv. You laid out all the blankets and told me to hop over the seat. We just laid together. I remember you asking if I was real and how was I real? You said I was so perfect. You touched each body part as you described it. You said you didn’t believe it. One day you asked if I was wearing a bra under my shirt and I said no and you said that even your boobs sit perfectly. You just kept touching me and putting your hands all over me that night. Probably knowing it would be one of the last. You kept saying all these sweet things to me. Do you remember that pact you made with me when we were 12? That we would marry each other if both of us weren’t married when we were 30? I asked if you still remember saying that to me, you were the one who had set that plan up not me. I don’t remember your answer but I thought it was funny. 

Eventually we ended up ripping each other's clothes off and falling asleep completely naked next to each other in the back of that car. The first and only night I got to spend with you. I set an alarm to wake me up so I could be back in my house without anyone noticing. I told you I was leaving and going to walk but you insisted on driving me. I know you were so tired you just went back to that spot in my neighborhood and fell asleep. To be honest no one checked on me that day so we could’ve spent the morning together too. I remember you eventually went back home and kept in contact. You confessed some things to me and told me “I don’t want you to think I would do something like that. That’s not me. But the only reason I cheated on my girlfriend was because it was you.” You begged me to understand you were not that person. I didn’t care anyways. That was the only time you spoke to me about her. You said you both had been fighting a lot and things weren’t getting better and that before you came to California you spent a lot of time thinking about me and then when you saw me you couldn’t help yourself. I laughed at your explanation. As if you owed me one. As if I deserved one. I think I just told you “it’s ok you don’t have to explain yourself” and we left it at that. We continued to talk and FaceTime. I don’t think we expected it to go anywhere but we did enjoy each other's company. 

A couple weeks before you returned for thanksgiving you had texted me. You said you were so excited to be coming back and that you wanted to spend every day with me. You sounded so happy and excited. I wanted that too. I’ll admit I was hoping for that. I thought you were a man of his word. The day comes when you arrive here. I knew you were in town. I kept quiet but I was waiting for a phone call, a text, anything. Days keep passing. Not a word. You are posting videos of you drinking with your friend Joseph. I just didn’t understand. I understood not wanting to see me, I just didn’t understand why you would tell me you wanted to and act like it’s the one thing you’ve been dying to do. The night before you left you called me to see me. I got into your car. I was quiet. You were quiet. You drove us to the water. You picked me up and sat me on the railing. You put your body between my legs and held onto me. I don’t remember much conversation. You asked me “what are you thinking about” I just said “nothing”. How do I even begin to articulate what I was thinking? Part of me was just enjoying this embrace we shared knowing this felt like the end of something that never even started. Part of me was sad you were going home. Part of me wanted to see you again in the morning before you left. Part of me wanted to be frustrated. I loved you so much and I didn’t know how to say that I didn’t want to let this go. But I know I needed to and honestly a part of me was ok with that too. You picked me up off the railing and it started to rain. You put me in the backseat of your car and started making out with me. Shoving your tongue further and further down my throat. You hopped in the driver seat. You took the car to an abandoned alley and put the back seats down once again and laid out your blankets. You asked me to lay with you. Always listening to Pink Floyd. You wanted to do more. I couldn’t, it was my time of the month. You still didn’t care. I was just thinking where the hell will I put my tampon. We ended up making out. This felt more intense than ever. I started kissing your neck. I got on top of you. I kissed your face. Then your neck. Then your chest. Then your stomach. The lower I got the slower my kisses got. I remember you finishing in my mouth and telling me you have never finished harder in your life. I remember you dropping me off immediately after that. I felt used. I felt discarded. I still tasted you in my mouth. I immediately went to brush my teeth.

Thank god we never turned into anything. I was a shitty person then. You would’ve hated me forever. I eventually let go and turned to other people. God why does it feel like everything after you was a distraction. I ended up with shitty relationships. You ended up in a wonderful one. Days passed and I had other people to worry about. The next summer came around and I asked to see you. I can’t remember what we talked about, I'm assuming closure, I can’t remember a single thing I said to you. I remember needing to feel the relief again that I once felt when I had originally confessed my feelings to you. There I was with my stomach turning upside down and inside out. How can a single man I barely talk to do that to me? You have always made me weak. We went to dinner, but I couldn't eat. I was texting my boyfriend and you looked over and said “look at us texting our significant others'. I again, had no idea you had a girlfriend. I felt awful. I felt confused. Should I be here with you? I don’t remember much about that night except you asked to use my bathroom before you went back home. I said I had a letter for you. I know I gave it to you. But god do I feel so fucking stupid for doing that. I don’t even know what was in that letter. If you still have that please throw it away, that's so embarrassing. I don’t even know if I was coherent during that? What the fuck did I even have to say!! I can’t remember a single thing. 

You went home and texted me saying thank you for the letter and asked to go to the beach the next day. We did that. We went in the water together. Not much happened. I went back to your house for you to shower and change and then you drove me back to mine. I’ve never felt more distant from you than those moments. We felt like strangers. I think I was ok though. I remember when you also met my ex boyfriend. It was so awkward I can’t even believe that’s a real story and that actually happened. I don’t even think you guys talked, we didn’t even talk. We were all just at Taylor’s house watching vines on tv. You came as quickly as you left. I must admit my ex hates me for doing that but I couldn’t help but laugh at that situation. I again wanna die from embarrassment. Time passes and you start talking to me again. You start getting close with me again. I suspected something had happened in your relationship. I believe from what she was telling our friends that you lied to her about me. I remember thinking, is he ok? Is she ok? Are you both ok? You kept talking to me. You asked me to come visit and we can go to Portland. Of course I would’ve, I would’ve walked to you if you wanted me to. You grew close with me again. I must admit I felt satisfied. 

More time passes and it seems as if you were back with her again. I didn’t get sad, I was just happy I could help you fulfill any moment of loneliness. I think you always knew I’d be there no matter what. I couldn’t say the same for you. I’m not even sure why you wanted to see me or how we even made these plans for all 3 of us to go get boba. But that happened. I paid for all of us. I loved seeing you happy. I felt content. She was lovely too, I think despite you we actually would’ve been good friends. Somehow we made it back to your house, after that long and awkward car ride. I must say she didn’t seem thrilled to hear me speak or talk to me. I was honestly wanting and willing to put all of that shit behind me and just be both of your friends. I wanted to get along. But I understand she didn’t want me there and 3s a crowd. I can’t even imagine how she must’ve felt. I felt sad for her. I wanted to cheer her up and let her know she had nothing to worry about. She seemed hostile towards me so I just kept quiet to get through the night. We were all on your couch with more of our friends and your brother and his friends. There was a small group of people there. I kept to myself most of the time. You came over to me for a little to talk but not much about. 

Your brother and I made eye contact and he came over to talk to me. We struck up a good conversation and we shared a few smiles and laughs. I honestly thought you were so invested into your own conversations I didn’t even think you noticed the one I was having with your brother. I eventually just wanted to leave and called an Uber to go home. I told you I was headed back home and you went up to say goodbye to me. You gave me a hug and whispered in my ear “if you ever screw my brother I will never forgive you” I just looked at you like wtf. Why would I ever do that or want to? I didn’t even think about that. Why did you care even if I wanted to? You were with a lovely girl. Anyways I was on my way back home and I guess you made your way into the bedroom with your girlfriend. You kept snapchatting me asking as to where I went and to come back. I think you were drinking. While you were naked in bed with your girlfriend. You kept asking me to come back. I kept politely declining. You ended up sending me a picture of her tit??? I’ve never been more confused. I think I just laughed and went to bed. 

Again more time passes between us. Those guys at your house that night ended up trying to talk to me over Instagram, I thought it was funny. How every man in that room seemed to want me except the one I wanted. Days, weeks, months pass by. You’re in town again. Do you remember coming to YardHouse where I was having dinner with my friend? We all somehow ended up at your place once again. With every one of my friends. Every girl showed up. You were the only guy. You kept to yourself. But god I couldn’t feel more sorry for the girl you were with. Why was I the only person in that room considering her feelings? Did she know? I felt awful. I wanted to give her a hug. Did she know what you were doing when she wasn’t around? You played music and got up to dance, you made me dance with you in the living room. I couldn’t help but giggle at this. I loved dancing with you. I went home again and your lover returned. I’m not sure about the timeline here but you asked me to hang out one night and I drove over to your house. The first time I had had my own car to do so. We ended up picking up our friend that you had no idea I knew too. You asked me how I knew everyone. The answer is idk. Or we just are the same and draw to the same people. We all got along. We went back to your place. It was honestly fun. I found out that day that she had kissed you too. When I left that summer to go to Arizona you ended up making out with her. I honestly found it funny and made a joke about being Eskimo sisters and she goes woah. We didn’t go that far. She just looked at me and asked if we fucked , I stayed silent and looked at you not knowing if you wanted people to know and you jumped in eagerly to say yes. I felt like you were proud of that. I didn’t tell anyone. Not a single soul from our hometown. She looked at both of us and said we would be cute together. I was so far past thinking anything like that I just shook my head. 

Funnily enough your girlfriend called at that moment. You told us to be quiet. We both stared at each other and laughed and were whispering like wtf? I was having fun, I must say. Your girlfriend was coming in from the airport I believe and you were going to pick her up. Our friend asked why we had to be quiet? You said because she didn’t like us and especially me? I was so confused. Our friend chimes and asks why she wouldn’t like me? You had told her “just look at her. She’s beautiful.” I had never heard that come out of your mouth. Our friend had agreed. She admitted when I started going to our school she saw me in the hallways and thought I was beautiful too. I smiled. I was also sad for your girlfriend again. Were we together and you hid it from her? She had no idea? She probably still doesn’t. I felt like I was doing something wrong. Eventually our friend had to leave. She said her goodbyes and for once in many years we were alone in a room together again. 

I left shortly after. When I went to say goodbye I expected a light hug. Knowing it was wrong for us to be in the same room alone for too long. As I went in for our hug you held me for a while. You picked me up and squeezed me as tight as you could. For a long time. I remember time was standing still once again and I remembered what it was like to feel the warmth of your body and your heartbeat that sounded like my favorite familiar song. I think you pulled back and just looked at me. I felt like you wanted more but again you were hard to read. I said “see you in a few years”, making a joke knowing we didn’t really see each other often and when we did it was short. I was trying to make light of our silly little friendship. Not knowing the next time I would see you. Knowing our interactions are few and far in between. Had I known that was the last time I was going to see you for a long time I might’ve held onto that hug a little longer. 

A year or two passes by and you come back to town. I remember being just a street over from your house and you asked “hey I’m in Newport for the week if you want to hang. No worries if not I get it.” I remember seeing that text pop up on my screen and instantly my heart started beating. My eyes went wide. It was really the first time you texted me. You usually call. Were you scared to hear my voice? This felt formal. I like to hear from you. I like the idea of you thinking of me. I like you going out of your way to see me. I slept on it, because I didn’t know what I wanted to say. Once again I didn’t know if you were still with the same girl. Did she know you wanted to see me? Was there going to be a bunch of people again? Honestly all I wanted was quality time but you always brought other people around. I understand now why. Maybe it made you feel less guilty for seeing me. Maybe it was hard not to say what we were thinking. I just kept thinking. What did you want to do? Where did you want to go? Again we always missed each other in timing. I had just gotten out of a relationship and back into one. I owed it to him to give this relationship a chance. One where I didn’t feel guilty. Knowing my feelings for you never fully goes away. I just shove them so far down my body that I accept your friendship as a compromise. Being your friend was good enough. If I couldn’t have you, I wanted someone else to. 

I just wanted to be able to see you happy. So I couldn’t. Part of me thought oh we are just going to hang out for an hour with a bunch of people so why even bother. It’s not quality time. I couldn’t risk an hour with you to feel a lifetime of guilt with this new person I was with. I didn’t want to lie to him either and I certainly didn’t want to tell the truth about you either. I can’t lie. I can’t lie to people, I’m so goddamn bad at it everyone sees right through me. I contemplated it the whole night. Ultimately I told you I couldn’t and I was busy. Which I was busy. But to be honest for you I drop everything. That’s the last time we spoke. I so badly just wanted you to cave in and respond “pleasseeeeeee” but I know that’s not you. I probably would’ve caved at some point. I can’t help but to think now what we would’ve done and how that would’ve played out. I looked different. My teeth were different. My clothes, my hair, my skin, my everything. Would we still be talking now if I said yes? Would you still be in my life or would it have ultimately lead to our silence. We were always good at that. Silence. Silence is very loud, I’ve learned that now.

 To be honest if I saw you today I’m not sure if I would even want to talk. I’d probably just want to be silent and enjoy your company. But as I sit here and reflect on your life and how I got to be apart of it. It’s not even the moments where we were undressed together that I felt the most intimate with you. It’s the moments where you would take my hand and flip it open and kiss the palms of my hand. Or how you would protect me when we were walking on the side of the road. Or how clumsy I am and how I would fall and you were so quick to catch me. Or how I accidentally bled on your pants oh my god that’s still so embarrassing. Or how I can’t even think around you, I get flustered, I sound like an idiot. There’s so many things. How did I store this all in my head? Do you still smell like Fiji? I can’t even remember what your voice sounds like. I don’t even know where that one photo of us went? Did I give it to you? Did I throw it away? I donated your jackets and threw away my journals. Oh how it would be funny to reread my thoughts about you when I was 12. Do you have the Pink Floyd record or do I still have it somewhere? I remember buying it. I remember picking it out in Northern California on a street market on a Wednesday in the summer. How did I still feel this way about you after knowing all the skeletons in your closet? I know so much shit that you have done and usually that’s enough for me to be uninterested in someone. But you are somehow different. I just want more. 

Sometimes I wish I could just call you, I wish I could write you a letter. I don’t even know where you live. I don’t think I want to. I don’t write any more. This is the first thing I’ve written in 4 years. I haven’t played any of my instruments. I haven’t drawn or painted a single thing. I’m going to be honest, I haven't even listened to music since last week. Maybe I’m just too busy or maybe I just know those outlets make me feel something I didn’t want to anymore. I remember you sitting in front of my drawings I put under the window seal of my wall that first summer. You asked me “what do these mean to you?” I think you know what they meant but I responded with “nothing I just drew them.” You look frustrated. You looked like you wanted an explanation.

I’m coming to Bend soon and other parts of Oregon. Not for you but my friends that have a house there. My other friends are getting married and moving there too. I have a feeling I’ll be spending more time there. Sometimes I wish you would come back and show up at my door and just give me a hug. Sometimes I wish I received a letter or a text from you. I still live in the same place. We remodeled. It looks different and I’m in a different room. But these corners of this house haunt me with memories of you. I still sleep on the same bed and mattress we had fallen asleep on over the past decade. I didn’t realize that till last night. Sometimes I stare at my phone screen hoping a notification would pop up from you once more. Sometimes I wish you would call and leave a message, I’m asleep usually past 12. I think you would really like my life now. I don’t even think you are reading this. I don’t even think you remember what this page is. I don’t even think we would be good together right now either. I’m hoping you come back to this page. Whether it’s now or in 5 years from now when we pinky promised to marry each other when we are 30 if we are still single. Whether it’s in 10 years or even 50. 

Your friendship has brought me glorious technicolor to even the darkest days. And no matter who you are with, what you are doing and where you are. I will always, completely, utterly, and hopelessly be in love with you

[chernan-and-his-babies]

I watch them and tear up myself. Maybe I should… I should reach out. Try something.

It takes me a full month to reach out to my boys, a month that I’m still avoiding Anakin for.

I leave a letter on the table addressed to Valko with Hunter in parentheses.

Valko,

Forgive me, this will be short. I don’t really know what to say. I am not good with words.

I miss you. More than life. More than air. I wish I could’ve been there every step of the way with you. I have so many questions and I just replay them over and over again. How is your shifting? Have you grown to like vegetables? Are you and Argenis still close? Do you remember me?

You were six when they took you. You and your brothers. My babies. I want you to know it was not my choice. The scars I have from that fight are the deepest on my body. I fought for you with everything I had. But when it came down to it, I couldn’t accidentally hurt you. And I lost. I am sorry. So sorry.

I miss your little purrs and your growls. I know you aren’t that little boy anymore but I hope you let yourself be who you are. My little wolf.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the snacks I’ve been leaving you, and before you even try to check, yes I deleted the camera footage from the Temple records.

I’d leave a letter for each of you but I truly just can’t imagine you all would be interested. But I just had to let you know that I wanted you. I always wanted you. I’m sorry you grew up in that place. I tried so hard.

I see you in the news and read about you in articles and I cannot express how overcome I am with pride for you. I am so proud of you, Valko. Every day. Every minute.

I’ll always love you and I hope you have a good life. I’m sorry I cannot be in it.

With as much love as there is in my heart,

Mama

The next time Hunter enters that room is after a long day of training, wishing with every muscle in his body that maybe something else will be here waiting for him.

And there is. A handwritten letter- with his name on it.

“Valko,” he whispers, several images flashing across the page as your voice rings gently in his ear. Valko! Where are you sweetheart?

He lets out a quiet stunned noise and stands frozen in place, reading over the letter.

About halfway through, he races to the door and slams it shut, leaning against it to read the rest in secured privacy.

Once he’s finished the letter, the tears start to roll, and he begins pacing around the room with the paper in his shaking hands.

They… they took him… from his mother. They took Crosshair from their mother. Took all his brothers. Every single one of them has gone through so much-did they even need to? Could they have had a better life?

He lets out a whine that turns into a sob and he looks back down at the paper, starting to pace faster as he reads it again.

Where are you? Who are you? Why won’t you visit him or… or say something to him? All this time he’s had so many unanswered questions, and now he has even more.

[loverlocket]

november 7, 2023

today’s song of the day is roadkill (live from madison square garden) by the 1975!

i’ve talked about the 1975 about a hundred times before on this blog, so i’ll skip the essay this time: long story short, they’ve been my favorite band since i was 12 and i love them very much!

they just released a new live album today, recorded at the madison square garden show of at their very best, last year’s tour (they are currently on their second north american leg of the tour: still… at their very best). i’ve been lucky enough to see them on both legs, last november and this october, and can confirm that this whole show is so so special and amazing. i’m so happy that the band decided to put out a live album for this tour, especially right now, because over the past month or so, i’ve been listening obsessively to their last live album, which was recorded at a show in london in 2016. that whole performance is also on youtube, and i’ve watched and listened to it so many times i could probably recreate every ad lib and note change from memory. basically, what i’m saying is i LOVE that live album, and it’s so exciting to get another one with newer songs!

i chose the live version of roadkill for song of the day specifically because i myself haven’t heard it live, so it’s great to have a high quality live version to stream. on this particular tour, the 1975 has been changing up their setlist a lot for each city. it’s fun because you’ll get to hear songs that not everyone gets, including older ones that are rarely played live these days — at my show last year i got to hear so far (it’s alright), and this year i heard love me, paris, and frail state of mind, and i’m never shutting up about any of it. however, for obsessive fans like me, it’s also hard not to feel like you’re missing out when other cities get songs you really wanted to hear (i’ve seen the band 3 times now and still haven’t heard girls live and they played it one show before mine this tour lol). listening to a live album is a really cool way to ease that fomo as well as relive the experience of hearing the songs they DID play at your show if you went to the tour.

i’m especially glad roadkill was included in this album because it’s from the album notes; back in may of 2020, i had tickets for the notes tour, but of course, that didn’t end up happening, and even though i’ve seen the band twice since then, i still wish i would’ve been able to see that particular tour. i often think about what the setlist could’ve been like if covid hadn’t canceled the whole tour, and there’s a good chance roadkill would’ve been on it. while i’m never going to get the exact experience i would’ve gotten if that tour had happened, having a live recording of roadkill on streaming is like the next best thing!

every time i talk about the 1975 i end up going on for way too long, so hopefully this finds someone as insane about them as i am who will enjoy reading all of it! i’ll wrap it up now, but take this as your reminder to listen to the new live album!!

#song of the day #november 2023 #the 1975 #Spotify

[sassafras--manson]

wrote all this yesterday and thought it just didn’t post and i was like… cool. par for the course.

found it in my drafts 🙄🥲

———————

so i’m going to this whole fuckin warehouse dance party tn. i’ve been staying in a lot lately partially bc i always feel socially burnt out even tho i’ve been turning down social shit for kind of a while, and partially bc.. idk i just feel so sad all the fuckin time that nothing sounds like fun, even the things i used to do and have fun doing. unfortunately taking all the me time i’ve been desperate for has made me even More anxious to leave my apt, so that adds another layer onto my reasons for staying in.

but tn i’m going to a fuckin warehouse party, held by ppl i��ve gotten to know through these parties of theirs, and i’m kind of looking forward to it but the sad brain is going “what if you stop looking forward to it in the next few hours?” and i’m scared of it all falling down around me.

it helps that it’s a sunny day, i don’t think i could’ve even accepted the invite if it was shitty n gray.

the other day danny n i day drank and recorded a song that i sang, and even though it was just for fun it made me feel really cool like i was getting a little version of my fantasy of fronting an 80s punk/hair metal band. a knockoff version, but more real than my whitesnake karaoke.

the night after we recorded it i went out to see some friends play at a dive bar in the neighborhood, and was surprised to feel like going when i got the invite to go out. it felt like something i would’ve skipped, considering my mood for the last couple months. but i felt like going, and wearing something as casual as the event but with a hint of and the aire of 80s rockstar. it was a really chill night and i enjoyed myself, took some (what i hope will be) cool photos on my old film camera, and chatted w my friends. and even afterwards i was feeling a low key version of awe that i just wanted to go and i did.

so many things i’ve been doing lately are because even though i don’t feel like it, i feel like i should support my friends - a lot of my social shit is based on how just about all of my friends are in bands- i Want to support them too, obviously, but i Don’t want to get dressed, talk, or smile. maybe because this show had such a lesser sense of obligation than the rest. maybe my-interest-in-going being the only factor took the.. preasure?.. off? but mostly i think i was just still in the afterglow of feeling cool. and of having made something, of having been creative in a way i never let myself be before, of having stepped out of my comfort zone and dipping a toe into a part of myself i wish i could be more often without being embarrassed.

tbh i think i’m in a little lingering shockwave of that afterglow. i skipped another show last night to stay in and add rhinestone spiderwebs to a pair of shorts n watch 80s movies. not any part of me was receptive to the idea of being social. but that’s the nature of the wave, i guess.

i’m building an outfit for tonight and am flirting w the possibility of wearing this skirt i got off depop cuz it looks like it belongs on an 80s video vixen. i’m not much of a skirt/dress wearer but i had to have it. it’s leather and zips up the back, and wraps over itself in the front w these two big fuckin ornate (for lack of a less hoity toity sounding word) buckles. if i chicken out i’ll sub out for emotional support shorts that i wear like everyday - loose black denim cutoffs that Are from the 80s, that i added pyramid studs to on one front pocket. i have all day to try to psych myself up for this outfit, but like i said, i feel more n more afraid to even leave the apt, so the way i tend to cope w that is to wear something i know i feel like ~myself~ in. those cutoffs are the security blanket of clothes. also, like, i want to be an occasional skirt person but every time i try it out it adds so much femininity to my look that it makes me it makes uncomfortable and idk how to balance it out outfit-wise yet, i don’t have the experience. but i’m off on a tangent. anyway, i’m surprised i’m even considering wearing it, and i think it must be that last bit of the afterglow hitting.

tbh this whole fuckin thing has been one tangent after the next, and i’ve got thoughts that go on off the last, but i’m kind of tired of thinking, so i’m cutting it off. let it be, ferrin.

i’m going to a social thing tonight with friends and outfits and dancing and i wanna do it but i’m also kinda scared of going, but i feel good enough going that i’m going to try, even though going to this is skipping a lot of steps between staying in and this degree of going out. but it’s nice to feel like doing something. i’m always wary of that feeling but supposedly that’s the fucking secret, is to enjoy it for what it is and while it lasts.

#personal #rambling

[epipenis]

if he died tomorrow i don’t know what i’d say…. but i feel like i’d want to say that despite having a lifetime of practice, i don’t know that i could ever fill his shoes. i’ll never be able to be their golden child, their first, the one that is real and autonomous, that’s exists in the world and not just in relation to them in constant retaliation. i have suffered so much living in his shadow, with the light cast by my parents perception of me. and yet… he has always been my biggest supporter. more than any partner. more than anyone. i’ve always looked up to him. sometimes it’s easier to pretend he doesn’t exist even though i love him and want to look up to him just so i don’t have to see how they treat him, how she treats him. she’s so proud, but i don’t think she’ll ever look at me with that gleam in her eye. i don’t think she’ll ever cry out of joy on my birthday. i don’t think i’ll ever exist except in the perception they put out for me… the worst part is is that i can find the exact moment i should grieve the loss of that gleam, of that freedom, of that pride, of that light, of any of it. it’s written in my baby book, the day my parents found out i would be a girl. i think there was always going to be too much trauma for any girl born into the family to bear. truthfully i don’t know how to parse these lines, what’s the chicken, what’s the egg, and if one is even responsible for the other. i suppose i feel a twisted sort of comfort in knowing that i saved another possible life from having to suffer, one that maybe couldn’t have bared it at all. maybe i saved her from having to live this life. to them, in this light, in this shadow, i am nothing, but maybe to that girl, who could’ve taken my place, maybe i am something… maybe. just maybe. i want to be seen as me. i look at boys and forget where the barriers between my body and theirs end. i look at them and i think about the mundane experiences they’ve had, and must then remember how intrusive i am being. i wish i could tell them. i wish they could know the comfort they provide me simply by existing and letting me look at them. a life where i am doing great things, where people see me for me, are proud of me, have a gleam in their eye, where i am not having to fight and suffer and feel rejected and placated and burdensome for asking if maybe today being me is ok, is good enough to exist, to simply be.

congrats brother,

it was an awesome show,

so please let me be

proud of you,

because everything in me

wants to be proud

i want to choose to be proud because if i am dont

i will suffer and grieve

in your shadow

angry at you

for casting it,

and yet knowing

that you do not shine the light, and hating myself

for hating you.

i must choose

pride

when i have been so angry because

of your shadow

when you have shown your own small light on me

as best you can

when no else would

and i have been so resentful

so please let me choose pride

i cannot hurt

you any longer

as i have been

now for the record, if i die, and y’all find this- i only made this into poem format bc it was way too long of a run on sentence. and i don’t have the energy to clean it up or try too hard. i’ve already cried enough. and maybe i am throwing a pity party. i don’t want to compare, but how can i now when i simply have to ask and be told.

once again, i am tired.

maybe i will wake up tomorrow and i won’t have to stare at boys anymore to wonder what it’s been like for them. maybe i can stop replacing their memories with images of me. maybe i can be my own. and that will be good enough.

am i stoic now?

#mine #text post #rambles #oh how we’ve grown #trans

[claroisamess]

I want to move to Copenhagen

Let's talk jobs. I work in tech, yes I am a woman in STEM, un jeune cadre dynamique, a technobimbo, or whatever other fun term you want to call it. I started working in tech a little over 2 years ago, after getting a degree in cultural mediation and communication, working cool jobs and then odd jobs, and finally admitting to myself that I was both too poor and too much of a socialist to be able to do cultural work. The problem with that I think is that when I left the cultural world (music, to be precise), it was like a first breakup. Agonizing, freeing, horrible, wonderful, I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. I felt so ashamed that I gave up, but also proud that I made a choice. What I always viewed as my reason to live became nothing more than an anecdote. For a while, I stopped listening to music altogether, wouldn't watch any movies or read anything. I think it was too scary, because anytime I come in contact with the arts, it's like something rips in me. I wished, I hoped, I begged that I could be part of it, and when I was closest to it I left. I miss it more than any of my exes (sorry guys). Not only do I miss doing the work and participating in this world, but I miss how people saw me. Is there any feeling better than telling someone what you do for a living, only for them to answer "oh fuck, that's really cool" ? No. Or well, I haven't found it yet. My problem is, since I engaged with it in a professional way, I don't know how to do it as a hobby. I am also way to shy (and I am not very shy) and don't have enough confidence to just... do something. For a while I started writing a radio show (I used to do radio and was absolutely in love with it), but I ran into two issues: 1. I would have to ask a radio if I coud do my show there 2. I would have to keep it up, on my own (the plan was originally to do it with J but, well, she left, now doesn't feel like the time to talk about it) So I did nothing, as I always do. My greatest burden is being completely incapable of seeing anything through, even when it is right there, and then (obviously), feeling a hole of remorse openup in my chest. I could've had a weekly comedy snippet on a huge FR Radio and was just too scared and paralysed to record and send a demo, although they were the one to offer me a spot. I hope you never get to know what it's like to be 25 and feel likee you have let those 25years go by you and tumble you around, without having the slightest impact on it. I don't think I would go back to culture though. I don't think I'm brave enough, and I'm too old now, so my age is no longer an excuse for my incompetence/lack of confidence. But I still wish I could be part of it somehow, I just don't know how to do that. I don't think I will ever figure it out. So now I work in tech. I sit all day and I code and I solve puzzles of the mind and my work doesn't really bring joy to anyone, not even myself to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I love coding and resolving puzzles, it's just that my current position is, well, shit. Useless work, with technologies that I hate, on a project that is fueled by corporate greed. How great ! I'm hoping to leave soon, probably to my old job, we'll see how this pans out. In the meantime, I hate my life, and still dream of moving to Copenhagen, doing radio, or even just having a hobby. I feel like I am completely lost, even more lost than when I was 18, but it's probably not true. How do you find purpose in what you do when you do nothing else ? How do you get back to something you love, at peace, and not just do it the same way all over again ? How do you stop history repeating itself ? How do you change what is nature and not nurture ?

#work #burnout

[kurorinde]

The Moonrise Chronicles | No. 12 | ??? title not found

Dear Friends,

Long time, no update aaa!!! This is just going to be my thoughts as I think of them, so apologies for skipping around.

I’ve just been very sensitive lately. I feel like I’ve been floating away, in and out of existence. Songs I love bring me to tears, and I’ve been shutting down at first sign of conflict too easily. But I’ve also felt so much... apathy?  Cynicism? 

I’ve also been missing certain friends a lot recently. I keep finding them in our mutual friends and strangers. I wish I could just talk to them again. Especially now that I’ve been leaning into being more authentic with how I act. I just want to tell him all the chismis over lunch by the beach. Or tell him about all of the stories and songs I’ve been writing and maybe, just maybe, finally record a song with him. I was annoyingly giddy when he messaged me back a few weeks ago. Ugh. In another universe, it could’ve been us. I just really hope he’s okay out there, wherever he is.

I cried at work because there are some kids who are so genuinely themselves. I wish I had that. I feel like, ever since December, I’ve been purposefully acting upon my hermit tendencies, waiting for my friends to pull me out. Yes, I’m the problem. I’ve just compared myself to my friends so much, i feel like an impostor. I shrunk myself down and got too comfortable in my self-destruction. A pity party for every outing I didn’t go to. 

At the start of writing this, I was super bummed that I’m probably not going to the BTR concert because I waited to get tix. Earlier today, I was bummed because I got govball tix too early (today was the last day of a really good sale :’))) and idk I feel like I’ve been very irresponsible lately. Maybe this is the wake up (& it’s over) call I need.

hmmm, okay, I need to get the negative stuff out of the way:

I feel like I’m not going to get married in the time I want to. I don’t think I’ve every said it in a serious way, but I really do want to get married and raise kids. I feel like I’m falling behind.

I’m scared to find out who my fake friends are. I know that I’m fake and I own it, but I was so desperate to change myself just to keep friends. I’m the problem. I don’t belong.

I just want to give love and have it reciprocated all in a healthy way. Sometimes, I feel actually delusional, then I feel even more delusional for thinking I’m delusional.

The smallest things have been setting me off. I’m either napping because I’m exhausted or I sleep early so I don’t overthink the problems I created.

I! Spend! Too! Much!!!!!!

I’m back in school.

I’m so mean to myself.

And many more!!

Okay, I think that’s all. If I think of anything else... I hope I don’t think of anything else.

This past spring semester, although chaotic in its own ways, was fun. A big contrast to the lows and highs of my first go-around. I got straight A’s for the first time! Too bad I wasn’t a full-time student, then I for sure could’ve made Dean’s List. But it’s okay. I’m going to graduate in 2025, my hat will have lovejoy + jono lyrics, and all of my best peoples will be there. 

After a good conversation with my teammates, I tried being more “myself” at s group function. It was a small group of us, but a good group. We played uno and mafia, and my “bit” was being the slightly unhinged bestie from Clown Town. One friend asked me if I was genuinely okay and I explained that I was trying to go back to my more outgoing persona. We joked about how if my friends laugh at my jokes, I will take it and run. But she liked the bit and didn’t think I took it too far. It was pretty good lol

BESTIES COME HOME TOMORROW!!!! But other bestie is going on vacation ):)

There are some moments at work where I felt that all-too-familiar drowning feeling. But most of the time, it turns around by the end. I still wish I could be better, and I’m working on it.

// I think the hot water that I’ve been drinking has some coffee bits so uhhhh yeah lol (it’s 11:48 pm rn).

My heart has little palpitations whenever I think of seeing lovejoy live. Also when I hear a song that reminds me of Cali 2019. Truly the last time I was so happy (jkjk)

On the flip side, I get the bad palpitations when I think about school or work outside of school or work hours. I’ve been trying to recognize it then immediately go back to being in the present. Like I did just now.

I have so many ideas and drafts and one I just thought of: the ideal day in my life, but it’s split into:

ideal current time 

realistic current time

ideal future

realistic future

I hope there’s overlap, but that’s something I’dd have to decide. I should really sleep soon lol

Hmmmmmm... I want to leave on a good note.

I love Minecraft. I miss my friends deeply. Life it a balancing act but at least you’re not balancing eggs on a spoon while walking a tightrope? Or maybe you are because that’s what you want to do. I’m literally the most annoying main character but it’s not the worst superlative to have. I think I’m going to try to get good at sports and hone in on my music/art crafts (I wrote carts???) so I can be the Coolest Person I know. I’m going to be the tall, wholesome jock with feelings. Yeah, that.

This summer will be good.

Current song playing: Let’s Get Lost - Carly Rae Jepsen

Love, Robin

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#boba post #the moonrise chronicles #journal #photography #pareidolia #ramblings #do i tag lovejoy they're mentioned a lot