#Marvel and their line up of awful and shitty parents
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Kurt: Dad *peeking inside*
Steve: Yeah Kurt? *painting*
Kurt: why don't you ever talk about grandpa? Pop does
Steve: *thinks for a moment putting down his paintbrush* Well, because my father, wasn't nice. Sometimes, parents aren't good, but your grandma was amazing, she was a nurse. She helped everyone
Kurt: she was nurse? *grins* like pop mom was an emt?
Steve:...huh... yeah but your pop dad was so much cooler
Kurt: is it normal for uncle Tony and Bruce not to mention their fathers then?
Steve: *thinking* [Note to self, avoid a necromancer]
#headcanons#I call Rhodey's mom Cherie#I think read that somewhre either online or a fic#She is an emt it makes sense#Kurt Wagner is their child#kid kurt wagner#nightcrawler as child#steve rogers#warshield#Marvel and their line up of awful and shitty parents
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mmmm tonight i’m thinking about artist!steve attending a figure drawing class. even though his main concentration is pottery, he has to take it to qualify for his degree. he shows up to class the first day thinking that it’s going to be torture until the figure model steps out from behind a changing partition. long brown curls frame his soft cheeks, big chocolate eyes gazing around the room. as steve’s own eyes wandered, he takes in the round thickness of the model’s arms, the squish of his stomach and tits, the way stretch marks line his inner thighs and hips to accompany his tattoos. the teacher introduces the model as eddie, and steve feels his heart grow (and other parts). eddie strips out of his underwear, exposing the soft thatch of hair surrounding his soft cock, and steve is so red at this point that he believes he might pass out. shockingly, steve manages to produce multiple sketches of eddie in various poses, awed by the amount of confidence the man before him has. following a series of concussions and finally a knee injury while playing sports in school, steve has been focusing on his art. this has led to him to gain a bit of fluff around his stomach and hips, which he felt ambivalent about until this moment. he loved the gentle and masculine curvature of eddie’s body and realizes how much he loves this trait in himself. when he steps out of his trance, he meets eddie’s striking eyes and has to leave the classroom to collect himself.
as the weeks pass and steve attends more classes. he finds that eddie regularly models for the course. while there are other models, there are none that get under steve’s skin quite like him. he looks gorgeous, his body draped with various silks, sometimes finding himself in action poses that accentuate his doughy skin. each time he models, he makes sure to make eye contact with steve, even winking and smirking from time to time. steve spends many long nights vigorously jacking off to his own sketchs, imagining how eddie’s hands would feel on his body and the sensation of their stomachs pressing together when he was fucking him. on the day of finals, steve goes to pack up and notices a slip of paper sticking out of his bag. on it, he finds a phone number and eddie’s name scrolled messily in the corner.
steve and eddie have their first date three days after that exam. steve wears a simple green sweater, and immediately gets hard as soon as he greets eddie at the park. eddie’s lined his eyes with dark makeup, his unruly hair is tied into a ponytail, and a sexy leather jacket with chains, but the selling point is the tightness of his skinny jeans and black turtleneck. even though steve’s seen him naked, it feels different somehow. knowing eddie dressed up just to see him has him short circuiting. he learns that eddie is a tattoo apprentice, but to make ends meet and support his uncle, he works as a bar tender and figure model. despite their different backgrounds, the two find they actually have a lot in common. they both have shitty parents, an inherited love of country music, the desire to start a family, and both love good food. when the two find themselves in a small cajun restaurant, steve marvels at the sheer fortitude with which eddie eats. he puts away two beers, jambalaya, shrimp gumbo, and a shit ton of deep fried okra. steve thinks about how lovely it would be to cook for eddie and watch him eat every last bite, making muffled sounds of enjoyment as he ate.
of course the date ends back in eddie’s apartment, eddie moaning as steve squeezes his pecs and kisses up and down his squishy stomach. when steve bites down on his stomach, eddie makes the most gorgeous sound he’s ever heard. high and wanton, eddie begs for steve to fuck him. steve stretches his hole while eddie strokes their cocks in tandem, eddie’s long uncut cock contrasting steve’s thick cut cock. when steve bottoms out inside of eddie, he almost cums right away because of the look eddie gives him. full of adoration and list, tears accumulated in the corners of his eyes. the sounds of skin slapping against skin fill the room, with steve gripping eddie’s love handles to get as deep as possible. delirious and cock drunk, eddie cries out and watches his stomach ripple in tandem with his lover’s. steve is groaning out praises, finally cumming as eddie squeezes his hips and ass. eddie follows soon after, so overwhelmed that he can’t speak as steve cleans them off with a wet cloth. steve collapses next to him, snuggling into the pillowy warmth eddie provides. when eddie finally does speak, all he says is “do you want a snack?”
i hope you liked my drabble that turned out really long shagavabsbbsb it’s pretty fluffy but i couldn’t just not share figure model eddie! can i be 🫑 anon?
I really like this and I think its super cute. Eddie seems like the type to be confident enough that he would be a figure model for spending cash. I can get on board with a sweet Steve taking a few art Credits, trying to figure out what he wants his major to be and remembering how much he enjoyed studio art in highschool. Like it might have been one of the few, if not the only, non-athletic things he got any validation for and it was from his art teacher. Mutual gaining or like similar sizes don't really do anything for me, I'm a sucker for contrast, but I think your story is really cute haha. You should flesh it out and write it!
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we could call it even (5/?)
“Peter could only be hers in Queens; over time, as she visited less often, he became less hers. She decided that it was better that way.“ To quote Taylor Swift, “it always leads to you in my hometown.”
this chapter is brought to you by taylor swift. specifically, the 1.
i'm impatient but also, chapter 6 is the one i've been waiting for. so this is a few days earlier than planned, mostly because i'm anxious for you all to read the next chapter.
and well spotted re: the marvelous mrs maisel line. (i have opinions, but it's a good line regardless.) there was also a west wing reference, so bonus points if anyone catches it.
as always, enjoy.
wanna catch up? one. two. three. four.
five.
if one thing had been different would everything be different today?
---
Michelle was too in her head, and felt guilty for worrying her sister, and being a shitty aunt, and never visiting before now, so when Gina went to work Michelle took Jesse to the Lego Store at Rockefeller Center. They went ice skating, and she bought him a giant Lego set that was too expensive but fuck it, she had a good job and, until recently, split bills with Miles. She could afford to buy a ridiculous Lego set to ease her guilt and make her nephew smile.
Plus, helping him build it that afternoon gave her something to focus on.
---
She never cheated on Miles.
Peter was – Miles knew about Peter. Maybe not all the details, but the ex, high school sweetheart, first love, home from break hookup – she’d been honest about all that. But by the time she met Miles, she was ready to move on, for real. To start actually getting over Peter. She hadn’t had a steady partner for all of college, because she always knew that she’d go home for a week or two and Peter would be there and she didn’t cheat, she wouldn’t do that. So she couldn’t be in anything serious, or even semi-serious. College was a series of hookups, of keeping her feelings to herself, of no strings attached arrangements – of holding on to some hope that she and Peter might still –
And, she really was very busy.
But she’d met Miles at work in LA after graduation, another clerk with law school aspirations and a creative streak. He painted, and he’d lived in Queens, too, until he was 10, so they could reminisce about the city. He was handsome, and funny, and kind. He liked her.
She didn’t go out on a real date with him until after the funeral, and it wasn’t a swift and easy courtship. They were both strong-willed, and they both had dreams. They went to work together, but they applied to different schools and wanted to go into different types of law. They didn’t talk about the future, because they both wanted to focus on their own careers first, not factor someone else into plans.
But they were together, and serious enough. Miles met Gina and Jesse on their visits. He met a few of her old high school friends. She met his parents and friends. When they ended up at different, but local, law schools, they moved in together because it made sense, and it was cheaper. They had fun together, the sex was good, they had similar interests. On paper, there was nothing to complain about.
And maybe it was subconsciously about Peter, but mostly she thinks it was just her.
Miles wanted to get married. Not immediately, but it was on his list. He wanted to get married and have kids, and they had been together for years, and lived together, and had met their respective loved ones, and they were starting out their careers, and it would make sense for them to wait another year or two but it was most definitely the path they were on. The path that starts with marriage and ends with a mortgage in a good school district and a kid or two for the Christmas cards.
Michelle wasn’t sure she wanted to be on that path. With Miles, or anyone.
It’s devastating to tell someone you love that you love them, but you know you don’t want to be with them forever. It’s awful to break up with someone for no other reason than there’s a feeling in your gut and a voice in your head saying go.
And Miles, to his credit, took it as well as could’ve been expected. He cried and she cried, and he went to his best friend’s, and she cashed in all the vacation she hadn’t taken and booked a plane ticket to New York. He told her she could keep the apartment, that he’d clean out his things while she was gone, and she hadn’t talked to him since she broke his heart. She’d told Gina and Betty that they broke up, and it was mutual, and to her credit, Gina hadn’t pushed, and neither had Betty. But it was final. There were no questions of can’t we try again? Miles had been upset, but not completely surprised.
Just because there wasn’t a reason for them to break up didn’t mean they had a reason to stay together.
So here she was, sleeping on her sister’s couch in her parent’s old apartment, successful by any professional standard but a mess in every other area of her life. She had spent more time with her nephew in the past 3 days than she had in probably his entire life. She had a half empty home across the country, and possibly no friends left in LA because she imagined Miles would get all of them in the break up. And she’d just found out her ex-boyfriend was Spider-Man, and had pushed her away out of some misplaced sense of responsibility and protection.
The parts of her that ached the most wanted to just say fuck it, email in two weeks notice and never go back to LA, just stay here and start over.
But she knew that wouldn’t fix anything. She and Peter would still be in the same place, and maybe –
Maybe she needed to stop running away to start over.
---
How’s babysitting?
Michelle sees the text from Peter when she sits down to have dinner with Jesse. Gina won’t be home for another few hours, so Michelle is on bedtime duty, too.
Good. We built Legos
Nice
You figure out work shit?
Yeah. I’ll be working overtime, but my boss told me I looked like shit when I got in, so feeling sick was believable I guess
“Mama says no screens at dinner.”
“Sorry, J,” Michelle says, turning her phone over and focusing on him. He reminds her so much of Gina, and she wonders how much he looks like Louis. She remembers him, sure, but they were never close. Does Jesse take after Gina, or is it just all Michelle can see? She wonders what Gina sees when she looks at him.
He has more of a personality this time – last time she saw him was easily a year ago, and they’d gone to Disneyland, and his personality had mostly been Excitement. But now he’s like a – like a person. She’s never spent much time around kids, and it blows her mind a little bit, what they’re like and how they grow and just – and people do this, raise kids, without any sort of training? She’s around the same age that Gina was when she had Jesse, and Michelle cannot imagine having a baby.
“No one calls me J,” he tells her matter of factly, taking a bite of his food.
“I won’t if you don’t like it,” she says. More proof of how little she knows him.
“I don’t know,” he says thoughtfully. “Mama calls me Jess. But there’s a girl Jess in my class, and she’s nice, but I don’t know if I wanna be Jess, too.”
“Fair.”
“You can call me J, if you want.”
“What do you want?”
“Ice cream.”
“No, silly,” she says, matching his smile and reaching out to tickle his side. He giggles. “Do you want to be Jesse or J?”
“Can I have more than one? Do you have more than one name?”
“Yeah.”
“What is it?”
“Well. Most people call me Michelle. But you and your mom usually call me Shelley. And my friends used to call me MJ.”
“They don’t anymore?”
She thinks of Peter.
“Some do.”
“Why?”
She shrugs.
“I was MJ in high school, but then I decided I wanted to be called Michelle.”
“MJ sounds nice.”
“Yeah.”
He takes a bite of his macaroni, brow furrowed in thought.
“Can I be J, but just you, and Jesse for everyone else?”
“Of course.”
“Ok.” He smiles at her. “Then it’s like we have a special handshake, but it’s names.”
She smiles back, heart expanding. “I guess it is.”
He goes back to his pasta.
“I like you here.”
“I like me here, too,” she says, heart clenching. God, kids are so honest. She imagines it’s got downsides, but how nice was it to be around a kid, to be told the unfiltered truth?
“Can you come back for my birthday? Mom said I can have a birthday party,” Jesse informs her.
The immediate of course is on her tongue, but she can’t promise that, not without looking at her calendar, and God, that makes her feel like shit.
“I’ll work on it, okay?”
---
so, if you wanna come by later. I don’t know when gina’s supposed to get back.
You still have a key
We can talk another night too, if you want
Michelle?
You’re probably busy with Jesse, sorry, I forgot
I’m going out for a bit
But if you wanna talk tonight we can
You have a key
---
She doesn’t look at her phone until later, after she and Jesse have cleaned up dinner and worked on the Legos, and started the bedtime routine. It’s not until Jesse is tucked into bed that she sees all of Peter’s messages.
Gina gets back in an hour. Too late?
His response doesn’t come immediately.
No, that’s fine. I’ll be there.
Ok
Where’d you go? Are you still out wherever?
Around. I’ll be there by the time you are.
He doesn’t say it, but she has a feeling he’s out being Spider-Man.
She spends most of the hour googling Spider-Man sightings, information, videos – and wondering where the fuck in that skintight suit he can stash a phone.
---
Gina opens the apartment door and sighs heavily. She hangs her coat up and drops her keys in the bowl by the door.
“Rough day?” Michelle asks from the couch. She closes out of the Bugle app on her phone (what a load of bullshit that site is – but she has more questions for Peter now).
“Just long. My feet are killing me,” Gina says.
“Want me to heat up leftovers?”
“No, I’m okay.” Gina collapses on the couch next to her. “How was he?”
“He was great. He’s a great kid,” Michelle says, hoping her sincerity comes through.
“Doing my best.”
“You’re doing an amazing job.”
“Thanks.” Gina closes her eyes and sighs.
Not for the first time since she’s been home, Michelle wonders how her sister does it all, and how things might be different if she’d stuck around. Would she be a regular babysitter? Would she and Gina have split the rent on a bigger apartment? Would Gina be so tired?
“Are you heading off again?” Gina asks after a moment. The guilt in her gut grows.
“Is that okay?”
Gina shrugs. Michelle looks at her, waiting for her to say more, because clearly she wants to. Gina meets her gaze.
“What’s going on, Michelle?”
She squirms, resisting looking away for as long as she can. God, if only the ground could open up and swallow her whole.
“It’s complicated.”
“No shit. I mean – generally. You haven’t been here in years. You broke up with Miles. You called to tell me you were coming, and had ended a years long relationship, both of which came out of nowhere. Do you even have a return ticket, by the way? And then, you’ve spent almost every night since you got here with Peter. What’s going on, hon?”
Michelle takes a deep breath and looks up at the ceiling, resting her head on the back of the couch. Hearing it all laid out like that makes it sound – makes it sound like she’s about as messed up as she feels.
“I don’t know, G. I’m a mess.”
“You’re not a mess, you’re in your twenties.”
“I loved Miles, you know? But I would look at him sometimes and think, we’re not gonna last more than three years. And it felt so shitty to think that, and why stay, when I know it’s gonna end? Why string him along? He started bringing up marriage.” She bites her lip. “I mean, be honest. Did you think I was gonna stay with Miles?”
“No,” Gina answers, and Michelle feels like she should feel something about how quick her response was. “I liked him. I knew you cared for him. I didn’t think it would last forever. I just didn’t think it would end so suddenly.”
Michelle shrugs.
“So why come home? Did he kick you out?”
“No, nothing like that. He wouldn’t. He left. Told me I could keep the apartment.” She shrugs again. “I just didn’t want to be there alone. And I haven’t seen you and Jesse in a long time, and –”
“And Peter.”
Michelle huffs.
“Not everything is about Peter!”
“Where are you headed tonight?”
Michelle doesn’t answer.
“He asks about you. Not every time he babysits, but enough that I gathered you two weren’t speaking.”
“Yeah. We didn’t really keep in touch.”
“That surprised me more than Miles. And I was pretty surprised when you told me about Miles.”
“You said you weren’t surprised I broke up with him.”
“Not that. When you started dating him.”
Oh.
“Why was that so shocking?”
“Dad had just died. And Peter was – I mean, without him and May? I just sort of figured you two were, I don’t know. Part of me thought maybe you already were back together. But then you went back to California all of a sudden, and then you’re telling me about Miles. I didn’t see it coming.”
“Me neither,” Michelle mumbles.
“What happened with you two?”
“Nothing.” It’s a lie and it isn’t. “He’s here, I’m there. We grew up.”
“Mmhmm.”
“It’s so hard to be here,” Michelle says. “This apartment especially. How do you do it? How do you not just constantly think of Dad?”
Gina doesn’t say anything for a while. For a moment, she wonders if she’s hurt her feelings somehow.
“Thinking about Dad isn’t the worst thing. There were a lot of memories here before he died.”
“I guess.”
“So when are you going back? You never answered.”
“I didn’t buy a ticket yet.”
“Thinking about staying?”
“I don’t know. Maybe? I do and I don’t. I don’t know why I want to stay.”
(Except she sort of does.)
Gina looks at her thoughtfully for a while, and Michelle feels herself wilting under her gaze. It feels like Gina can see right through her, can see all the things Michelle isn’t saying.
“I think you need to decide what you want. And if you’re willing to work for it,” Gina says finally. Michelle isn’t quite sure how those two statements are connected.
“I’ve done that my whole life.”
“Yeah, with school. You’re not in school anymore, though, you’re in the real world. It’s not as simple as studying for the exam or reading the right books. I think you need to sit with yourself, and really think: What do I want? Actually want, not what you think you’re supposed to want.”
“Yeah, but what if I figure that out, and –”
She doesn’t know how to – it feels too much like admitting something, committing to a desire she doesn’t want to name. That might not want her back.
“Well, sometimes that’s life. But you gotta fight for it.”
Michelle looks at her sister, and realizes, not for the first time, just how much she’s gone through. Never knowing her father. Abandoned by her mother. Raising Michelle. And then she found someone, and he died, leaving her a single mom. And then their dad died, too. And Michelle escaped to the other side of the country. Has Gina ever had what she wanted? Why should Michelle get to?
“Do you regret it?”
“What?”
“Anything. Everything. Getting married, or –”
Falling in love.
“What, because he died?” Gina snorts. “We got married because we loved each other. We knew we were gonna die, but we said, I’m gonna love you until that day. At least. Not his fault that day came a lot sooner than we wanted. But I can’t regret that. I don’t.” She fixes Michelle with a Look. “There are a lot of people who never have that at all, or who have it but throw it away.”
“But now you’re –”
“I have a little boy who makes it all worth it. And he reminds me of Louis. So much it hurts, sometimes, because Louis would’ve – but I have a little piece of him still. On the bad days, it helps.”
Michelle nods.
“I miss my husband everyday, but I would never trade the time I had with him for anything. Given the choice, I’d do it all over again. Even knowing how it would end. That’s love, I think. Knowing you might be completely destroyed by this person, but knowing it would still be worth it. It’s a leap of faith.”
Michelle bites her lip. They’re not talking about Peter, but aren’t they? That’s where her mind is. And maybe that means something.
“I think I’m afraid of what I might want,” she admits, still unable to stop hedging.
“Yeah.”
“It’s not just up to me.”
“I know.”
(And what would he say? And what if – not if – clearly, bad things happen to him. Yes, everyone dies, but it feels like Peter – his life feels so much more precarious now.)
“I miss Dad,” she says quietly.
“Me, too.”
Gina grabs Michelle’s hand and squeezes it. They stay like that for a while.
“I’m going to bed,” Gina finally says. Michelle nods.
“I’m going to Peter’s.”
“Might be easier to think away from him,” Gina suggests, but Michelle shakes her head.
“We need to talk about some stuff first.”
“Okay.”
Gina turns to go down the hall, but Michelle calls her.
“You’re an amazing mom, you know that? And an amazing sister.”
Gina smiles softly.
“Thanks, M.”
---
When her father had his heart attack, Michelle got on the first flight she could, and even though she hadn’t told Peter what was happening, he was waiting for her at the airport. Gina had reached out to May, and May told him.
She remembers rushing into his arms, letting him hold her right there in the middle of baggage claim. Remembers him taking her hand and hailing a taxi, paying the fare and walking into the hospital with her, one hand holding hers and the other holding her bag. She remembers how he knew where to go, how she and Gina ran into each other’s arms, sobbing. How he’d held back, waiting in the hall when she went in to see her dad, and then took her back to the apartment, the place she’d grown up.
When her father died, Peter and May became a constant presence at their apartment. One of them was always there, heating up food, helping with phone calls and arrangements and Jesse. She feels like she barely slept that week, surviving on coffee and bagels that Peter would put in her hands at regular intervals, would urge her to at least take a few bites of.
“You guys really don’t have to do all this,” she’d said to May at one point.
“In Jewish tradition, when someone dies, you sit shiva. We bury them as soon as possible, and then we sit in mourning for seven days. And we sit beside the mourners, and pray with them, and grieve with them, and be whatever they need us to be. And you’re mourning, Michelle,” May had told her gently. “And we love you. So we’re going to stay here with you, and be whatever you need.”
Michelle hadn’t argued.
(She’d wondered, dimly, who sat shiva with May and Peter when Ben died. What had Peter needed then?)
She remembers Peter carrying her father’s casket alongside her uncles and cousins. Remembers feeling his presence behind her during the service. Remembers the plate of food he brought her at the wake, how he stood with her and watched her pick at it. He wasn’t overbearing, but he was there. Solid and steady.
(Everyone asked who he was. One of my oldest friends, she had said. Ex-boyfriend couldn’t capture the depth of what he was to her in that week. And in the midst of her grief, he let her dictate the terms.)
She went to him because he loved her, and she needed to feel loved.
She left because she was scared of what that meant.
---
She uses the key to unlock Peter’s door, and when she steps in, he is nowhere to be seen. But the lights are on.
She hears a light thud from his bedroom.
“How was Spider-Man-ing?” she asks as she leans against the doorframe to his bedroom, watching as he takes his mask off.
“I wanted to make sure you made it here,” he says, a touch defensively.
“I did.”
“I see that.”
Pause.
“How does that even work?” she asks.
“What? The suit?”
“Looks uncomfortable,” she says, approaching him. His hair is messy from the mask, and his cheeks are pink from the cold. How does he not freeze? Is it made of fancy warming fabric?
He shrugs.
“Tony made it. So it’s not too bad.”
“How do you – ”
He presses the spider on his chest, and the suit loosens. He pulls his arms out and shrugs it off, in nothing but his briefs. The Spider-Man suit lies pooled on the floor.
She’s seen Peter Parker in just his boxers – and less – countless times. In sexual and not situations. She knows the lines of his body, the cut of his shoulders. But it’s like she’s seeing him for the first time now. She’s letting her eyes roam his form, looking for – signs, evidence, something. Scars, cuts, anything that might indicate his long held secret. But she sees nothing. Just the same Peter she’s always seen.
“You should put some clothes on,” she says finally. He nods, like he’d been waiting for her to let him.
She sits on his bed as he pulls on the same flannel pants from before, and grabs an old Midtown High t-shirt. She smirks.
“Can’t believe you still have that.”
“It’s comfy,” he defends.
She nods as he approaches the bed. She brings her legs up and settles in the center of the bed, crossing her legs, motioning for him to join her.
“So.”
“So.”
“What are your questions?”
She has so many, and no idea where to start.
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
Pull off the band aid.
“I almost did. A few times.”
“What stopped you?”
He shrugs.
“That’s not good enough. You had a reason. Why?”
He runs a hand through his hair, face twisting into a look like frustration.
“I dunno, first it was – we were in high school, and I liked you, and I didn’t want to scare you off. And then we were talking about college, and I wanted – I almost told you then. But I thought it would be easier for you to just – clean break. Because this whole thing has its risks.”
“For you, or for me?”
“Both,” he admits. “I heal pretty fast, but I still get hurt. And I deal with some pretty nasty people. People who would hurt you if they knew.”
“Yeah, but you wear a mask. So if they don’t know who you are, why does it matter if we’re together or not?”
“Because they could find out who I am. And if they do, they could use you to get to me.”
“Well, sure, I’ll go with that logic – but in all this time, no one’s ever figured you out, have they?”
“Sort of.”
“Sort of?”
“There have been – close calls. Closer than I’d like.”
“And yet – ”
“I have to keep my distance. At least try. I can’t let anyone get too close, because I’m putting them in danger. So even if I wanted to explain it all back then – ”
“I could’ve made my own decision.”
He gives her a Look.
“You wanted to go to Stanford.”
“So did you. And we could’ve, I don’t know, tried long distance.”
“But you’d still –”
“Because your enemies would fly to California to get me?”
“You’d be in danger when you came back.”
“Oh, because just hooking up – that didn’t paint a target on my back?”
He winces.
“I didn’t – I didn’t want that to happen. I tried to stay away from you.”
That stings. Her eyes burn and her chest aches and it fucking hurts to hear him say it. Like he regrets it – like it was just sex, and even then, he wishes they hadn’t. She feels like an idiot.
“Tried really hard, huh?” she says. She feels a tear and his face falls as he realizes his words.
“No, I didn’t mean it like – Em, I don’t regret that – I just – you’re right, being with me at all – that wasn’t smart, on my part. But I don’t regret it.”
“No, you just wouldn’t do it if you could go back.”
“Do you remember –” He stops and takes a deep breath. Wipes her tears and keeps his hand on her face. “Remember when that – when you almost – that guy. And Spider-Man saved you?”
“I resent the implication that I needed saving,” she says, but she remembers. That memory takes on a new meaning now.
“Do you know how much I think about that? And that’s not even the nightmare scenario.”
“I can make my own decisions. I should get to decide what risks are worth it.”
“I know you should. But when we were 18? All I could think about was – was losing you. Watching you die, because I couldn’t stop it, or it was my fault.”
“Peter,” she breathes.
“I know that’s a shitty answer. But I was scared. And the longer it – I mean, once we started college, it was, well. I didn’t tell her. And if I tell her now, maybe she’ll – and if I could only have you on school breaks – I could sort of rationalize it. You weren’t my girlfriend, so you were safe. But when you came home, we could pretend, and it could be enough.”
“Did it feel like enough for you?” she asks, thinking back to the nights they’d spend, not just having sex but talking, catching up, working out the things they worried about. The nights when he was her best friend again, and she could talk to him about anything. Mornings teasing each other over toast and laughing, because he was just – fun. She had fun with him. Until she had to leave, and they’d barely even say goodbye. Wouldn’t even commit to a next time.
“No,” he whispers.
“Yeah.”
“I was afraid that I waited too long, so if I did tell you, you’d be so angry I didn’t for so long, you’d never talk to me again.”
She’s not sure that’s not not how she might’ve reacted.
“But then your dad –”
“Peter –” she says, a warning in her tone. If he tries to use her father’s death to justify lying to her –
“I wanted to tell you. I think I would have. Being with you that week – that’s when I realized, shit. Something could happen to me, and you would – you might – I don’t assume that – obviously your dad is way more –”
“You realized that we might have to bury you? And it would be really shitty for me to not know why?”
“Yeah,” he breathes, anguished.
“Fuck, Peter.”
She thinks about it. Thinks back, and wonders how she would’ve reacted then. How things might’ve been different if –
“But you left.”
“And you couldn’t have called?” she demands.
“I did, MJ. Remember? You didn’t respond. And I wasn’t going to force –”
“So it’s my fault?”
It feels like her fault but no, this is all his fault for lying and being a martyr and –
“No. No.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m just telling you – I know I’m an asshole. I know I should’ve told you. I wanted to, MJ, you have no idea. And I almost did. But I thought you were done. I didn’t know if you were ever gonna talk to me again.”
“I wasn’t really planning on it, honestly.”
He sucks in a breath.
“I probably deserve that.”
They sit in silence a few moments. All she can think is the past few years, the possibilities, the what might have been.
“I feel like – I don’t feel like I know how to just be your friend anymore,” she admits. “Being around you is hard, Peter. Because –”
I love you.
“I know.”
Does he?
They sit there for another moment. He tentatively reaches for her hands, and she lets him take them. He runs his fingers over hers. Twines them, rubs circles with his thumbs.
“So now you know.”
“Now I know.” She looks at their joined hands. “Does that change anything?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “Yes. Should it?”
She thinks about what Gina said. About deciding what you want. About knowing things will end. About it being worth it anyway.
“What do you want?” she asks quietly, still looking at their hands.
He looks at her – she can feel his gaze, so she lifts her eyes to meet his.
“You. It’s always been you.”
She kisses him.
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Storms End
Square Filled: Thor/Loki
Pairing: Thor/(Male)Loki
Rating: M – Mature
Word Count: 3632
Tags: NSFW, 18+, Incest, Erotic electrostimulation, Temperature kink, Ice Play, Sex & Magic, Choking, biting, Mentions of genderfluid Loki, Jötunn are not cold bodied/blooded,
Summary: Thor reflects on his new life in New Asgard just as a storm rolls in.
Written for: @lokibingo
AO3 Link
A/N: Thorki isn’t my thing but I tried! I’m not a Ragnarök fan but it’s ending suited for this fic. ALSO I can’t stress this enough, this plays on unhealthy themes such as Incest (they’re brothers) and the shitty parenting of Odin and Frigga.
Lay on his front Thor listened to the oncoming thunderstorm, the once gentle tapping of rainwater against the windows had turned into hard painful lashes. It was as though his very element was punishing for deeds that had long gone ignored, but he knew he could step into that thunder and lightning and walk out fine.
His element may injure him for a time but never would it’s effects me lasting, for he was born with the power of thunder coursing through his veins. This was of little comfort to him now, he wished at times for that storm to be his end, for his roof to collapse and the storm take him. It would be a befitting death.
Grey skies above loomed heavy, burdened with the grief of a god who could not rest, who could not find his peace this evening. In the far distance he could hear the low rumbles, in his bones he could feel the first stirrings of lightning, his power grew in her rage.
He breathed in the cool damp air, his element sang to him as no other element could. She was unsurpassed in her might none might compare as she did, though they often tried. He could taste the rain on the air, for a moment he could believe he was back on Asgard.
But Midgard’s lightning spoke a different song, she was stronger, far more dangerous and unpredictable. Where he could predict a flat realm who’s weather patterns were as easy to predict as the seconds and minutes Midgard’s did as she pleased and to Hel with the concerns of the mortals who cowered in fear or stared in awe.
The scent of moss and salt clung to the air, something completely foreign filled his senses, a noise or feeling he was not accustomed to feeling. It caused him to shudder, old memories stirring as he tried not to think, he just wanted to sleep! Could he not be allowed this precious moment alone? To be at peace where old ghosts could not find him, what a sweet paradise that might be.
His eyes lit up, his skin crackled and for the moment he lost himself to the feeling of his element swallowing him whole. She wanted to slither her fingers deep into his soul, to empower him for the next battle. But there was to be no next battle. Not for a while.
A hand slithered its way up Thor’s middle resting upon his chest, “Try to sleep,” whispered Loki his bare pale form lit beautifully beneath the moon's light.
But Thor could no more rest than the storm could suddenly end, with a heavy sigh Loki propped himself up taking a moment to take in the god of thunder who lay with the expression of a man caught between a war of emotions.
Had they been a happy healthy family they might know of a better way of dealing with their grief than this? Instead, both stuffed down anything they could, it was best not to confront those feelings, to let them loose in battle and box them away until after death. Burdened with their parents lies both found little comfort in memories as others might suggest.
Instead, Thor cast the burdens of his crown aside for the night to fuck his little brother. Not by blood that much had been made clear, but it was not the healthiest way of resolving tension. It was odder still that when Loki looked at Loki still bearing his bite marks he still saw his little brother.
This was not their first time, the first had been on the Statesman, a moment of pure madness they both agreed. They had spent a day conflicted about what had happened, but neither could casually go fucking away their feelings as they once did.
Thor was now king, he could not have a bunch of bastards running about, (it wasn’t as though someone thought to bring the contraceptives with them when they were fleeing Asgard) and nobody who was of Asgard wanted to sleep with a Jötunn no matter how well disguised.
So they fucked again, and again and again until it had become some twisted routine. Something born out of the need to be closer, to seek comfort in the familiar. It didn’t matter if Thor was fucking his brother or sister what mattered was their connection, their love, perhaps obsession and codependency were better more suitable terms.
It was perverse.
But neither could stop themselves. Loki smoothed his palms over Thor’s chest a worried expression settling behind those emerald eyes. It was so fucking wrong to see the boy he had once been, back when their lives were better.
Hindsight provided Thor with the proof that it had never been happier or better. There were moments of true happiness, where they had been allowed to be innocent children. But with time and came realization. It was obvious to Thor now the damage that Odin and Frigga had inflicted upon Loki.
Where once Thor had resented Loki for having their mothers attention he now saw it for what it was. A way for the family to keep their eye on Loki by providing him someone he could depend and rely on. Someone to trust in, someone to cry to when Odin could no longer bear looking at Laufey’s son. The son he stole from Jotunheim for the sake of…
Well nobody knew, did they? Odin had once had a plan for Loki, had Loki never found out the truth they may have learnt what that plan might’ve been. For there was no other explanation as to why Odin kept Loki. He could have given him away if all he wanted to do was deny Laufey the chance of fatherhood.
Instead, Loki was raised in a house that saw him less than a son and more akin to a thing to be used. That purpose no longer mattered to Thor with the passing of Odin, but he suspected deep down that Loki still wanted to know. Loki who still searched for… well they were all searching for that something weren’t they?
Between them silence grew, the oh so distant rumble of thunder did not disturb them as it did others. Loki traced his fingers along the brief lines that the sparks drew across Thor’s skin, he chased and traced those sparks capturing one with his magic and allowing it to slither around his long slender fingers.
Of course Loki was capable of bottling lightning. Once such an action would inspire awe and wonder in Thor who had at one point adored Loki’s magic without question. Odin had been sure to remove that childhood love, that awe from Thor, he was not supposed to love and respect the magic used by men.
Resentment brewed within Thor as he tried to recapture that innocent childhood awe. He found nothing but the emptiness that Hela’s return had filled him with. The realization that he had not been the first, not even the first child to be exiled. But he had succeeded Odin’s second attempt at raising a child whereas Hela had been erased and abandoned. She had just wanted to be remembered, to be loved and…
He saw Hela within Loki, Loki who sat on top of him marvelling at the lightning captured within the fragile glass orb. He tried not to see his siblings, but how could he not? Did Odin look upon Loki and see Hela as well? Why had Loki as a babe chosen that look, had the baby shapeshifter conjured it from Odin’s memories?
There were too many questions the ancient king was leaving behind, it hurt to think about. He would rather admire the way the slow white glow of lightning lit up Loki’s face, the way those emerald eyes shimmered and shone as he quite seriously studied the captured element within his palm.
Thor was wrong in assuming that was glass, when Loki pressed his mouth to the small orb that captured his lightning that continued spark and bounce about its container he watched droplets of water escape the orb and moisten Loki’s pale thin lips.
The lightning flickered and flung itself against the orb as if to sense what Loki was doing or perhaps Thor’s desire to have his brother’s lip back around his cock rather than teasing the lightning. How odd was it to be turned on by this most unusual display?
If there was anyone who could make sex more unusual it was his brother… Loki, Loki, Loki, he must stop referring to the man he was fucking as his brother. It made things more odd, more perverse.
Slipping the orb into his mouth Loki lowered himself down, curious as to his brothers scheme Thor sat himself up a little. Somehow, Somehow, Loki managed to fit the tip of Thor’s cock into his mouth.
Thor groaned gripping the sheets beneath him, he did not dare grab Loki’s hair fearing a genuine chance of killing either or both of them, which only added to the pleasure. When had the risk of death become so erotic?
He groaned as icy lips and tongue teased his cock, that orb of ice rolling around with the motions of Loki’s bobbing head and teasing tongue drove Thor mad with pleasure. Loki’s eyes never left his brother’s single eye that continued to glow white with power, his hands traced the outside of Thor’s thighs as the god of thunder tried so hard not to come so soon.
Thoughts of propriety had long been abandoned on the route to Midgard yet in the back of their minds they knew how wrong this was. That made it all the more exciting. Whether it was done as a ‘fuck you’ to Odin or just a rather meaningless need to let out frustrations that did not involve punching or stabbing something they could not say.
It hardly seemed to matter now.
That life was taken from them.
Loki swallowed Thor down his throat, the god lost it as the ice in his brothers mouth cracked that lightning quite giddy to be let loose attacked anything it could. The sparks of pleasure started small, licks that were little more than tickles turned into the sharp snap of static before evolving into something quite like the snap of a whip.
Thor bucked beneath his brother spurred on by the immense pain his own element caused him, Loki remained unharmed and so unaffected which turned on Thor even more. That devious glint in Loki’s eyes as Thor grabbed his long raven hair wrapping it around his fist and pulling Loki further onto his cock had him wanting to prove himself. Thor liked a challenge and Loki was the perfect challenge, designed for him in a way no other being could be.
He came hard down Loki’s throat with a roar that matched the lightning creeping up on New Asgard. Not wasting a drop Loki swallowed his brothers come with a devious smirk, the mortals might think him devilish, temptation given form, but Loki was no devil, simply a trickster.
Not that Thor had been tricked into this, they had both tricked one another, thinking it a good method of coping.
Shoving his brother down on the bed Thor growled, he would have no more of Loki being in command, it invited his brothers more devious and delightful ideas and while that was tempting he had no desire for the complex this evening.
He just needed to fuck and Loki was not about to argue about that.
Loki reached up grabbing his brother by the shortened hair, how they both hated that hair. It was demeaning to them, to their culture, it removed an important piece of Thor. He threaded his fingers through the short blonde hair enjoying how fluffy it felt, though he longed for the return of those long golden locks.
Closing his eyes Thor allowed himself a moment of peace, he turned to kiss the palm that rested against the side of his head, they were both caught off guard by the tender loving gesture. More and more of those had begun to slip in as of late. A kiss here, a tender smile, a hug, sharing a bed, it was all becoming dangerously domestic. It really shouldn’t be, should it?
They weren’t related by blood, Thor kissed his palm again, they weren’t related by blood so why was this so wrong? He had grown up alongside Sif and many expected him to marry a woman he saw as his sister. Why was this so different?
Because they had spent over a thousand years believing one another to be brothers. That is why. It was not two friends who had grown fond of one another, it was to brothers who had found a perverse pleasure in one another's bodies. Blood did not bind them but they were still brothers.
They should not be doing this, Thor kissed his palm a third time, but he could not stop, they could not stop.
Loki was just as to blame as Thor, Loki who pushed Thor into random spaces to fuck him against whatever surface he could. Loki who slid her cunt over her brothers leather clad thigh riding him to completion while he signed documents and paperwork. Loki who with both cock and cunt would pleasure themselves until Thor could no longer resist their body.
Instead of pulling away, of finally saying no Thor watched as Loki slid oil slicked fingers along Thor’s length guiding his brothers dick into him. It was not so easy to adjust to his brothers girth, but that is what made it all the more pleasurable to Loki, that brief bout of pain as his body adjusted to accept his brother.
Thor restrained himself watching as Loki’s eyes fluttered shut, he was caught in that war between pleasure and pain, the sight alone made his cock twitch. He looked so beautiful with pale thin lips parted in ecstasy as a pink flush coated that pale moonlit skin his hole stretched around his cock his inner walls clamping around him in a scorching Jötunn heat.
His brother was so warm, so perfect, so beautifully tempting it was becoming impossible to keep his eyes and hands wandering. With his right hand he slid his palm other his brothers lithe pale form, electricity nipping at exposed pinked flesh, he ran his palms across those pert dusty nipples causing Loki to buckle beneath him shuddering in pleasure.
A whining moan escaped a pleading to his brother to cease with the teasing and to fuck him, fill him already with his cum. But he would not beg and as much as Thor would enjoy hearing those pleas falling from his brothers pretty lips he much preferred this. It had become a perverse secret between them, a secret no one else could share in. It was theirs and theirs alone.
A white flash of lightning lit the room in a rather ominous shade, something heavy threatened to smother them both. They shoved it aside as Thor slowly withdrew from his brother who regained his composure, those talented fingers sling along his own length playing with himself as though Thor weren’t there.
He would remind his brother who it was that was fucking him, who was pleasuring him. Just as he had done when eating out her cunt or fingering her arse until she was coming all around him. Thor knew how to pull his brothers pleasure from him by now, to make his brother scream and cry his name in the throes of passion.
Sliding a broad palm around his brothers throat Thor rammed himself back into Loki who screamed out a gust of pleasure before Thor began to squeeze cutting off just enough air to make Loki’s head swim in pleasure.
“Brother,” Loki should not be moaning at a time like this, “Brother,” should not be a word that turned on Thor like nothing else.
But Thor once again pulled himself from Loki until the tip of his broad cock remained and then brutally rammed himself back in. It would be painful, crippling to a mortal, but neither of them were mortal. The sparks of electricity that danced along Thor’s skin nipped and shocked Loki who squirmed and writhed.
The combination of Thor’s cock, the electricity, the hand pressed firmly against his throat all made Loki moan out praising his brother, a prayer that was uttered better than any mortal could hope to muster.
Thor’s brutal pace had Loki grabbing onto the headboard above him, wood splintering beneath his fingers as he tried not to destroy another bed. Thor braced himself on that same headboard as he fucked his brother hard and fast, slick sweat covered Loki’s body causing him to shine in the light of the storm.
Their pleasure came upon them, Loki teased his own cock collecting more of that electricity that wanted to tease and torment him and spread it gingerly against his own length. Thor released his brothers throat and swatted his hand away from his hard reddening cock, he grabbed it in his own sparking hand and Loki screamed his name.
There was no pain sweeter, he called out Thor’s name in the storm not the beg Thor wanted to hear but the anticipation of one he would in time bring out in his brother who whimpered in the pained pleasure brought him ever closer to his own release.
It was brutal, some might say without love, the rough way in which he gripped Loki, pounded into him until they were both bruising and aching only their feral sounds accompanied by the storm outside could be heard. Not that anyone could hear, they would never hear.
Loki his lower lip stifling the moan that threatened spill from his lips, Thor snarled increasing his grip upon Loki’s cock the pre cum that leaked mixing with the oils that Thor used from the remains of the bottle that lay beside them.
Bucking beneath his brother Loki urged him on, to move otherwise he would be using Thor’s cock for his own pleasure and ignoring his brother’s wants. Thor got the silent message and thrust deeper, harder into her brother striking that sweet spot that had Loki clamping around him.
Both breathed out their pleasured too stubborn to be the first one to come, Loki grabbed Thor’s shoulder as he attempted angle himself, so he could strike deeper in Loki who could not hold back the loud moan.
He would not beg.
But Norns was he close!
Thor closed the gap between them still pounding into the breathless Loki, instead of kissing him like Loki expected Thor licked along the side of his brothers long pale neck savouring the taste of sweat and something sweet from the oils.
The previous bite marks were fading, so he bit hard into Loki’s neck and shoulder savouring the sweet way in which Loki bucked against him, a pitiful attempt to fight back lost the moment Thor squeezed his hardened red cock.
He came hard spilling all over Thor’s fist, his brother was not far behind him, coming undone when Loki squeezed around him filling him up with his seed.
Thor moaned into the nape of Loki’s neck mumbling nothing of importance between bites and licks. Loki breathed his fingers tangled in blonde hair, gentle nips of electricity flitted along their joined sweat slicked bodies. Thor refused to pull out, to move, Loki clung to his brother unsure why that comforted him so much.
With a last flourish of magic Loki cleaned them up as best he could, what with Thor refusing to remove his softening cock that lay nestled within his brother. Thor instead rolled them over pulling Loki’s overly warm pale body tighter against his own sun kissed body.
He brushed the raven hair from Loki’s face savouring how sweet he looked as he stared out to the Midgardian sea that now acted as their background. The seas and land were dark, only a few golden lights of New Asgard were lit at such a late – almost early – hour. The distant bones of what would be Heimdall’s new observatory managed to stand out when the lightning lit up the lands.
The thunder and lightning remained, echoing their previous roars of passion, Thor meanwhile hummed some old Midgardian tune that he had picked up from some place.
It was better than those old lullabies that often talked of joyously murdering Jötnar. Why had their mother sung those songs knowing what Loki was? Why recite those old tales that made Loki hate what he was?
Loki kissed his brothers neck savouring the taste of him before sitting up, already half hard and rocking himself against Thor. Tonight was going to be a long night, not that the god of thunder would complain. Instead, he watched as Loki guided his brothers hands to his pale slender hips and rocked himself upon the half hard cock nestled within him.
Neither of them spoke as Loki slowly fucked himself on Thor’s cock, instead Thor watched in silent awe. How beautiful was his brother by the light of the storm and moon, he watched as Loki took his pleasure as he needed it, using him until Thor could give no more, as a god of fertility he took that as a challenge.
Silently he settled himself watching as once more Loki captured lightning, bringing it Thor’s own lips.
He could taste the power, the pain and pleasure.
For tonight, he could forget all that waited for him outside these walls, for tonight he had Loki and Loki had him. That was all that mattered. No matter how wrong it was.
#Thorki#Loki/Thor#Thor/Loki#Loki Bingo 2020#Loki fic#Thor#Thor odinson#Thor X Loki#Loki#Loki fanfic#mcu fanfic
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Steve had to stay in the past - for Bucky
So I know the whole reasoning behind Steves ending in Endgame was basically "we need a way to get rid of him because Chris Evans doesnt work with Marvel anymore" and that is kinda shitty. I've seen a very good explanation for his decision to stay in the past which basically said Steve was depressed in the present and needed the black and white world of the fourties/ fifties where he could trust his commanders and fight the great fights (this one, it is kinda brilliant https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZL1b55E66QE). But even or maybe especially like that it feels an awful lot like giving up. Especially when Bucky and Sam are still there waiting for him. That was what I hated the most, they just destroyed "til the end of the line", the thing all the other movies were based on.
BUT then came the thought (and I'm kinda confused why I didnt read that anywhere yet), what if they didn't? Because when Steve goes into the past, back to when they got the stones... Bucky's there too!! At that time he's a prisoner of the russians or maybe already Hydra (I dont know the exact timeline). And how can Steve possibly just go back to free and mostly recovered present Bucky and leave imprisoned and helpless past Bucky behind? That would be way more of a betrayal of Til the end of the line. Past Bucky needs Steve so much more than present Bucky does. Present Bucky has Sam and the people in Wakanda and will probably be fine. Past Bucky on the other hand will still be all alone, an ex russian/ ex Hydra Agent who might already not know who he even is. So you know, staying is somehow exactly what Steve would do.
Also, once you consider the fact that Steve's back in the past knowing all the things he knows and with Bucky and Peggy by his side ... They can save Natasha from the Red Room. They can save Tony's parents. Maybe they can stop Howard from becoming an asshole. They can even take down Hydra before it infiltrates S.H.I.E.L.D. Steve gets the possibility to fix all the things that went so horribly wrong in his own timeline. With Bucky at his side.
#avengers endgame#endgame spoilers#marvel endgame#steve rogers#stevebucky#bucky barnes#steve x bucky#stucky#endgame meta#steve's ending#captain america
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Worship
Words of Lust 23/27 [Making love was worship for them, he moaned his prayers as she sang the hymns. They were simply paying tributes to the temples of their bodies and they were souls seeking absolution.]
Worship: (noun) the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity; adoring reverence or regard.
Mulder had never been a religious man. The concept of a god was something that never settled well with him, this applied to all gods of all denominations. He didn’t place it so much on an inability to believe as he did a discomfort with resigning ones life’s choices and actions to the omnipotent power of a god or gods. People were always telling him everything was a part of God’s plan. His father hated him, his mother couldn’t look him in the eye, his sister was taken from him, and he felt utterly alone. What was easier? Accepting that you were born into the world to fend for yourself, or realizing you’re a pawn in God’s plan and he clearly doesn’t care about you?
As a child, sometimes he wanted to believe more than anything, that would mean it wasn’t his fault Samantha was gone, that it wasn’t his fault he was such a failure, that it wasn’t his fault his parents didn’t love him, but he just couldn’t no matter how hard he tried. He realized the irony. A man who dedicated his life to chasing ghost and shadows was skeptical of a higher power. The thought of wholly dedicating yourself to one being and letting them impact you in such a powerful way just didn’t seem possible or enticing to him.
Then he met Scully.
Then he started to understand.
Year by year, she became his everything. What he looked for in the light and what he looked for when he got lost in the darkness. Scully. The only person to ever give him the gift of pure, unconditional love. He didn’t know how words could ever do his feelings justice.
“I love you,” he proclaimed. He spent countless hours imagining how he would try telling her again. He imagined it happening with suave elegance. He imagined saying it after wooing her. He didn’t imagine he’d blurt it out in a shitty Midwestern diner. She had just looked so beautiful, her head thrown back, heartily laughing at one of his stupid jokes in between bites of her burger.
Her laughter came to an abrupt halt as she tried to make sure she heard him right. “W-wait, what did you say?” Her cheeks were still flushed and her eyes were glassy from her fit of laughter and he just wanted to kiss her.
The sentiment was heavy in his mouth, but it didn’t keep it from falling off his lips. “I love you, Scully.”
Her mouth gaped open in surprise and, Scully being Scully, she tried to give him an out. “Well, of course, Mulder. I love you too, we’ve been close for seven yea-”
“No,” he cut her off, “I don’t want to go on in ambiguity. I want to confess to you and I don’t want their to be a shadow of doubt about my meaning in your mind.” Her face was almost unreadable, but all of her focus was solely on him, as always, showing him an unsurpassed level of patience. “Dana Katherine Scully, special agent, medical doctor, best friend, and woman of my dreams, I’m hopelessly in love with you. I’m not telling you that with any sort of expectation of reciprocity. I just wanted to let you know.”
His heart was pounding so loudly in his ears that he could only hope those were the words that actually left his lips, because he couldn’t hear anything.
“Why now?” she asked in a soft voice.
“Why now what?” he repeated for clarification.
“Why did you choose now to tell me? A Tuesday night at a diner in the middle of nowhere?” Even though she was analyzing it, she couldn’t hide her blush or her small smile.
“I don’t need a date or a special location to remind me that I love you. All days of the week, anywhere in the world, any place, and I will always love you. Just hearing you laugh or smile just overwhelms me and I couldn’t hold it in this time.”
She reached across the table and grabbed his hand, absolving his worry with her touch. She had a hard time meeting his eyes, but her words were focused. “I love you too.”
That day he believed that maybe miracles did exist.
It was still hard for him to grasp; the fact that Scully loved him. Him, Spooky Fox Mulder. He felt like the luckiest man in the entire world. Really, he should have seen this being how it worked out. Between the two of them, he was far more verbal. Scully would be the first to admit she hated being vocal with her feelings, where as he might as well be the king of oversharing, at least when it came to her. It only made sense that he’d have to be the first one to speak the words out loud.
At the same time, with Scully’s sense of initiative, it only made sense she’d cover the basis when it came to anything physical. She knew he’d never want to come across as pushing her, Scully was sacred to him. It still took him by pleasant surprise every time she made moves on him. When they would walk in private, he’d always feel her dainty hand slip into his and grasp on tightly. Whenever they would hang out at his place, she would cozy up next to him and burrow into his side. He’d throw an arm around her and revel in the honor of holding her in his arms, enjoying the warmth of her body against his own. She also loved to kiss him, her mouth was warm and supple and she’d try to sneak kisses at every opportune moment. The first time she really made a move on him will stick in his mind forever.
It was about a month after the diner confession when they were sitting on his couch making out. Somehow, she had shifted herself so that she was sitting on his lap sideways, wrapping her arms around him as her tongue danced across his. They had made out like teenagers on this couch countless times before, but this time just felt different. There was something uninhibited about Scully’s vigor. As their mouths broke apart for air, she would pant for a few moments before latching herself back onto him. She had started to shift on her ass a bit, but she was far enough away that she didn’t feel how much that was affecting him.
That is, until she switched positions on the couch so that she was straddling him. She eased herself down right on top of his clothed erection but, instead of jerking away, she whimpered and thrust her hips against him, causing him to throw his head back and moan. She took advantage of his exposed neck and latched onto it, placing wet kisses along his adam's apple and using her tongue to lap at the skin. She started undoing the buttons of his shirt when he grabbed her wrist to stop her. Her eyes immediately latched on to his and he could see unbridled lust reflected in their depths. “Do you want me to stop?” she asked in a quivering voice that went straight to his cock.
“God, no, but I just want to make sure you’re okay with this,” he replied.
She smiled at him and continued undoing his shirt, grinding herself against him. She leaned down to place a kiss to his lips, only stopping to reassure, “I want you.” He moaned at her words and grabbed her by the ass, keeping her pressed against him as he stood and carried her to the bedroom.
She squealed in shock and wrapped her arms around him. If he was finally going to have the opportunity to be with Scully, it sure as hell wasn’t going to be on his old, worn out sofa. No, Scully deserved a bed. He kicked open his door and gently splayed Scully out on the bed. He took a moment to stand next to the bed and fully commit the sight to memory. She had a goofy aroused smile on her face, her red hair was creating a flaming halo around her head, and her whole body was heaving with a mixture of exertion and want. Apparently he was taking too long because she threw her arms up, beckoning him to join her.
He happily accepted and eased his way on top of her, falling into her waiting arms as he resumed their kiss. He felt like he was in nirvana, if he could just eternally live in this moment, he would be a happy man. Under his mouth, she started writhing against him, rotating her hips against his front. He released her lips with a pop and smiled down at her. He placed his hands under her shirt, stroking the soft skin of her abdomen. He grabbed the hem of her shirt and raised it over her head, admiring the creamy, porcelain skin that was revealed. Her ample breasts were encased by a simple white, cotton bra. While he wasn’t yet drunk off the taste of her flesh, he used his coherence to take off her pants as well, revealing a matching pair of plain underwear. She looked radiant.
He discarded his own pants so she wouldn’t be self conscious as he joined her on the bed again. “You’re so beautiful,” she gushed, raking her eyes all over his body.
“Hey, that’s my line,” he laughed. His hands roamed up and down her sides as he placed a kiss to her breast bone. He was kneeling in front of her on the bed in between her legs, which were resting around him. She arched her back and he took that as a signal to unhook her bra. Silent communication, their favorite language. He discarded it over the side of the bed and looked in awe at the sight before him. Scully was laying on the bed in just her underwear looking at him with pure adoration. He marveled at her pert breasts begging for his attention.
He leaned over her and placed kisses across her collarbone down to each breast. He couldn’t help but smile at seeing just how much her chest was littered with little freckles, standing out prominently against her pale skin. It reminded him of their summer cases when her freckles stood out prominently against her nose and cheeks. Her skin felt smooth against his cheek and he enjoyed this close contact. He could smell her body wash on her skin as he kissed her, and he noticed little goosebumps were sprouting in his wake.
He took his lips off her for a second so he could look at her, and he saw she had her eyes closed and a blissful smile on her face. Her body was completely relaxed as she anticipated his next move. It was just an ultimate display of trust and, he didn’t know why it had to happen right now but, the sight made him emotional. He just loved her so much, he just couldn’t believe this was actually happening. He continued placing kisses on her skin as he felt his throat tighten and his eyes water. After his lips pressed on to her skin above her belly button, she let out a sweet little hum of contentment, and two tears escaped his eyes and fell on her skin.
Of course nothing gets unnoticed by Scully. She reached a hand down under his chin and reclined his head upwards, sitting up straight as she saw his tears. “Oh my god, Mulder. What’s wrong?” she asked, crawling towards him so she could hug him.
He laughed and shook his head, enjoying the feeling of her bare chest against his own. “Nothing, I just love you so much. I can’t believe this is actually happening.” Mulder supposed his whole life was dedicated to giving Scully odd experiences. This had to be the first time she comforted a near-naked crying man as his erection stabbed her in the thigh.
“Aww, Mulder,” she chuckled as she leaned back, still keeping him in her arms while she kissed away his tears before pressing a loving kiss to his lips. “I feel the same. I adore you.” She ran her hands through his hair. He continued his oral exploration of her. One of many that night. He was hopelessly devoted.
They were around five years into their romantic arrangement now. It was still a wordless entity between them, their coupling so palpable it was almost a living being in and of itself. If the words didn’t sound so juvenile, ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ would have sufficed. Instead, it was just that thing they did. That thing where they slept over at each others places every night, that thing where they said ‘I love you’ in more ways than you could count, that thing where they made passionate love until their voices and bodies were raw, that thing where being together was the only thing that made life worth living, but they still had a hard time putting words to it.
This is why he liked to have mini confessionals with her as she slept. When he laid in their bed at night or when he woke up earlier in the morning. He liked to watch how angelic she looked as she slept and he would take that time to murmur his own little thoughts to her. Most of the time it was just musings, thoughts about life, dreams, theories. Today he woke up with his head tucked in the crook of her neck, one of his legs and arms draped over her, their naked bodies entwined from the passionate night before.
He remembered the days where the thought of falling asleep and waking up in her embrace seemed like a cosmic improbability. He had resigned himself to live a life alone. Enduring his solitude while admiring her from a distance. He still had a hard time grasping this was his life now. He got to spend his life with her. He looked up and saw her chest rise and fall gently with each breath. With as minimal movement as possible, he reached down and grabbed the hem of the blanket, raising it over her for more warmth. She didn’t wake up, but she shifted so she was closer to him, nuzzling into him. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and, as he had done in so many variations, he whispered to her. Today, it was, “Would you marry me?”
They’d bantered about topics like that on several different cases throughout the years. Finally leaving behind the life of constant travel, getting a home somewhere where they could live in peace, children were talked about even if as a dream, spending your life with someone you loved, but not once did he think it would be a real possibility for the two of them. She was intangible to him, she probably never thought he would like domesticity, but now it was what he dreamed of most. How could he go on trying to chase ghosts in the shadows, when he could be shrouded by her light?
“You’re supposed to say ‘ Will you marry me,’” a sleepy voice called out. His eyes shot open and he saw her hooded, tired gaze focusing on him.
“I thought you were asleep. I’m sorry I woke you up,” he mumbled, kissing her bare shoulder.
“But, yes,” she stated firmly, smiling at him.
He swore she’d be able to feel his heartbeat against her side, “W-what?”
“Of course, I’ll marry you,” she repeated. She shifted so she was on her side and she wrapped an arm around his middle, putting them in a sideways hug, kissing his chest and wrinkling her nose as his hair tickled her.
He rolled on top of her and rested his weight on his elbows, bracketing her head. “Can you say that again?” he asked with an incredulous smile.
She laughed and looked him straight in the eye, the sunrise casting a beautiful glow on her face, bringing out the intensity of her blue eyes. “Fox Mulder, I would love to marry you. Though I must request such important questions be asked to me while I’m conscious.”
He leaned down and captured her lips in a passionate kiss, giving her everything he had to offer. No matter how many times they kissed, he would always feel like he was being bestowed with a divine blessing. He loved the way the breath from her nose tickled his cheek, he loved how firm her full lips were against his, he loved how their bodies molded together to become one. She was the first one to break the kiss and she only did so to command, “Get on your back.”
He flipped them so she was straddling him with the covers entangled in their legs, not that it bothered them. If there was one thing he’d learned over the years, it was that Scully loved morning sex. She loved being cuddled awake, she loved the intimacy that the comfort of the bed brought, it was her thing. She bit her lip as she guided his ready-to-go morning wood against her, aligning them together.
As he watched her with adoration, he couldn’t help the thought that came to mind, that’s my wife. Sure, they hadn’t made any plans beyond the agreement from a few minutes ago, but he frequently indulged in the fantasy that she’d want to make that leap with him. Now that he knew it was a real possibility, the word wouldn’t leave his mind. His beautiful, stunning, brilliant, wonderful wife loved him. Dana Katherine Scully, his beacon.
She slid down on to him and he was honored to feel how aroused she already was. Her walls welcoming him back with a tight grip. Scully was an attentive lover and he couldn’t help but feel like he was being baptized. Making love was worship for them, he moaned his prayers as she sang the hymns. They were simply paying tributes to the temples of their bodies and they were souls seeking absolution.
She mirrored their position from earlier and she bracketed her head with her forearms as she started riding him with more vigor. This position let their bodies fully gyrate against each other. He reached his hands behind her and grabbed the junction where her hips met her ass and he helped her move against him, his cock throbbing from attention.
Her breasts were bouncing near his face and he leaned up to capture a nipple into his mouth, enjoying the hearty moan it elicited from her throat. She started rotating her hips in a circle, and he joined her so her clit got more friction from their grinding. She leaned up, so she was fully perched again, making him release her nipple as she leaned back farther. He placed her hands on his thighs for support as she rocked up and down on her knees. He propped himself up on his elbows so he could watch their meeting. He loved seeing his length disappear inside her, her pink lips stretched wide to accommodate him.
He saw her clit begging for attention under her clitoral hood and he licked his thumb before moving it to circle against her. She was watching him though an aroused haze as her hair bounced around her face, moving in tandem with the bounce of her breasts. She started to get a little more desperate with his added stimulation and, after a few hard circles, she clamped down on him and let her orgasm take her. Her whole body was shuddering as her eyes shut and her mouth dropped open, gasping for air as she cried his name.
She started moving again, but he felt her legs shaking against his sides and he knew she wouldn’t be able to support herself. He grabbed her waist and flipped them once more so he was laying on top of her. “Thanks,” she moaned with a smile, knowing he sensed her struggle.
“The pleasure’s all mine,” he winked as he resumed thrusting. Seeing her gasping below him made his abdomen clench and his balls tighten as his orgasm roared through him. He leaned down and kissed her as he thrust into her a few final times, riding out his orgasm and triggering her second.He laid on his side, flushed with hers as he pulled her into his arms, not fully slipping out of her.
He held her tight in his arms reveling in the bliss of it all. She was the only thing he could unquestionably believe in; the love, her trust, her dedication. It was all he’d ever need.
#msr#msr romance#msr fanfic#dana scully#fox mulder#mulder and scully#x files fanfic#gaycrouton#onlytheinevitable#my fanfiction
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Alright, it’s currently 8:53 pm Illinois time (we’re still in Indiana so my phone thinks it’s 9:53, it didn’t transition for the whole day until like now apparently and is probably supposed to have changed back by now but here we are), we’re in the car on the way home from the con and I’m starting to write now because I need to go to bed ASAP when I get home because I once again could not fall asleep FOR MY FUCKING LIFE last night and of course I had to get up early so we could road trip to the con so I got like an hour and a half of sleep??? The last time I remember looking at the clock was at 5:08 am and my alarm was set for 6:45 am, so....it wasn’t good. But yeah, today was really good despite my lack of sleep. I did wake up when my alarm went off at 6:45 am, I had a message from Jess saying to give her like 10-15 more minutes than we initially planned so I got ready and waited for her to come pick me up. We got gas and then McDonald’s, breakfast sandwich and coke if I wanted to stay awake all day lol. And so we were off to Indiana for the con. The drive there was fairly unremarkable, we stopped at a rest stop for a minute but that was about it. We made it into Indianapolis around like 11:30 their time, parked in the parking garage next to the con center and got to the con. Our drive through Indianapolis revealed that today was definitely their pride parade and with a little more research we probably could’ve done the parade and the con, but oh well, not much we can do about it now. According to the online schedule the photo op for the guy Jess had a photo with was at like 1:20, so when we arrived we had to wander through the giant con center at first and then redeem our tickets and actually get to the main hall, where we located the photo op people and asked about the schedule.
It’s a good thing we checked, because he was not in fact at 1:20 anymore, he had gotten to what was first 4:45 and would then move to 5:45 in not too long. So obviously this was a bit of a curveball, since according to the earlier schedule we probably would’ve headed out a lot earlier. So now we have some time to kill. Well we wanted to see the guests anyway, and the first I wanted to see was the kid from Shazam, Asher Angel, mostly because I wanted to go on about how much positive depiction of foster children in media means to the kids out there that are constantly thought of as a problem and nothing more. He was sweet, definitely a teenage boy lol you could tell it was one of his first cons, but he was doing alright and was nice to talk to. He definitely looked bored at other points throughout the day which I can’t really blame him for, he is a teenage boy and the amount of attention the celebrities were getting at this con was definitely less than expected. Like, there were pretty much no lines for everybody....the entire con was a lot smaller than expected. So that was interesting to deal with. After that though we went and said hi to the guy Jess wanted to see from Shield and she got a selfie with him, he was really nice too. At that point we wandered the show floor for a while, Jess unsurprisingly found some kpop merch (it’s generally among the anime booths at this point) so she bought some of that which was cool. We ended up leaving the con center to get some food because con food is always trash and overpriced, and we didn’t have anything else better to do lol.
So we ended up going to steak and shake, which was a giant joke because the last time we went to a con in Indiana we got into a fight that kind of climaxed in us ending up going to steak and shake for dinner despite my request that we go literally anywhere else because my acid reflux was really bad that day, but that’s a whole other story we won’t go into, just know the fact that we ended up there was a giant fucking joke. I got a cheeseburger and a strawberry shake, and we killed some time there for a while before finishing up and walking back to the con. We returned to the main hall and ended up saying hi to John Wesley Shipp, this con was like prime for just getting to say hi to celebs because so many of them were standing around lol. He was cool, we got back to the Shield guy to get an autograph for Emily, and right next to him was Dot-Marie Jones, and I recalled that she had been at Clexacon and afterwards her wife had posted about how awful the con had been to them on Instagram and she was free so I was like if we approach this correctly we could get some quality tea about Clexacon out of this interaction lol. She had stickers that they were selling for $5, so we bought a sticker (they ended up giving us two) and were like “oh we just wanted to say hi, we wanted to see you at Clexacon but we heard it wasn’t great for you guys?” and that basically worked perfectly and launched a like, 20 minute conversation that consisted of all the terrible shit Clexacon had done to them and like, it was bad. The biggest revelation was definitely that the con wasn’t paying any of the celebrities to be there (I realize a lot of people aren’t privy to how the financial arrangements for cons work so that might not seem like a big deal but it is HIGHLY unusual and I couldn’t believe they got that many guests without paying any of them) and on top of that wanted a cut of their autograph money and shit which is just.....wild. It was a really good conversation though, not just about Clexacon but on how the voices of actual queer women should be the ones being centered, not just straight actresses that portray them but don’t live the stories (and we all know I adore my actresses, but it’s not the same) and like Clexacon had just been so shitty to her when she was one of the only actual queer women there and they could’ve had so much more but they were clearly only motivated by greed. She’s a super lovely person too and it was just overall a great conversation and it was really a pleasure to talk to her.
After that, or some time around then, the timeline might not be perfect here but I’m doing my best lol. We basically had nothing to do but I wanted some water so we walked over to their food court area and got some water bottles with the intention of just sitting at the table there for a while, which we did, but they ended up doing some like, pre-podcast launch media session with these three ladies who are launching a cold case podcast about this case from Indiana where this little girl was killed and I mean I only listened to their info about the case but I’m pretty fucking sure the abusive stepfather’s the one who did it (let’s be real, if the kid of an abusive parent dies, there is an extremely high chance the parent did it, and that chance actually goes up further by the fact that he was a stepparent, this is the reality of child abuse that I work with) so idk how much of a cold case there is to investigate there but Jess found them on twitter and they currently had like 18 followers lol so I mean maybe they’ll find their stride and build up a fan base. After their presentation and a little while of more time chilling out we ended up going back to the con area and seeing John Glover, whom we paid $20 to get a selfie with, he was again so delightfully bizarre and just absolutely hilarious to interact with and talk about Shazam with. So that was cool, and after that we chilled outside the main hall for a bit until Jess decided it was time to line up for the photo op, at which point I wandered for a bit and eventually ended up at Vanessa Marshall’s table who I kinda wanted to meet, she’s a voice actress who’s been in a ton of stuff but most relevant to me was that she did Black Canary for Young Justice and recently did an interview with the young justice podcast I listen to that was just fucking amazing about self-acceptance and that really just made me want to meet her so I paid $20 for a selfie with her and ended up having a lovely conversation with her.
After that I wandered a bit more and ended up buying a $5 “damaged” piece of Wonder Woman fan art (it was in the damaged pile but I couldn’t see anything wrong with it and it was a damn good deal) and ended up buying an adorable print of Goose the cat that was $10 and is going to go great on my Captain Marvel closet door. After that I reunited with Jess after her photo op and waited a little while longer waiting for the print while talking with a nice couple we’d previously spoken to at a con at some point lol. Once we got the photo we headed out, left Indianapolis and headed straight to the Cracker Barrel we’ve definitely been to before lol. There was a little bit of a wait but we got in in like ten minutes or so. Got our classics but they sadly we slightly less quality than we’ve previously had, but still mostly good. After dinner I raided their candy section very lightly and Jess acquired a giant stuffed goat I said I’d buy her so we paid the bill and bought that and headed out.
From there we’ve been driving, stopped once to go to the bathroom in the rain, but it mostly stopped raining so we didn’t have to deal with too much of it. The highlight of the drive home was definitely realizing Jess’ nemesis who was at the con was actually in the car behind us, and we proceeded to cut her off like three different times and it was great, I’m pretty sure she was still behind us when I started writing this and she was behind us until we hit the greater Chicago area but now we’re pulling up to our neighborhood that’s having it’s massive Nordic fest right now (“midsommarfest”) which looks pretty wild right now, but I’ll be home in a second and probably finish this off right before I go to bed, after I shower. My phone now said it’s 10:47 pm, though it should say it’s 9:47 pm Chicago time, so we’ll have to see for how much longer we’ll have to deal with that. But I’m about to get out of the car so I’ll leave this here.
Okay, it’s 10:54 pm currently, though my phone still says 11:54 pm lol. But I’m all showered and ready to go to sleep, and boy am I sleepy, so I’ll be going to bed now. Goodnight my friends. Hope you had a lovely Saturday as well.
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“i pour alcohol into the gaping hole inside my chest. it does not heal. not today. maybe tomorrow.”
MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER is 26 years old and works as a THIEF/DRUG DEALER/ALL ROUND CRIMINAL and is loyal to THE OOTP they were an RAVENCLAW and are a HALFBLOODED. HE look like FRANK DILLANE.
CHARACTER PARALLELS: nick miller ( new girl ), creed bratton ( the office ), doug judy ( b99 ), jason mendoza ( the good place ), chris miles ( skins ), jesper fahey ( six of crows ), scott lang ( marvel ), lillian ( unbreakable kimmy schmidt ).
AESTHETIC: scuffed knees, flicking a lighter over and over again, flowery shirts, walking in the middle of the street after midnight, a body covered in bruises and tattoos, naming stray cats, falling asleep on the subway, watching smoke curl against a starless, black nightsky, throwing empty beer bottles against a wall.
LINKS: stats. pinboard. character tag.
HEADS UP: there’s quite a bit of talk about drugs and stuff in here -- as well as shitty parenting. i trigger warned it before every bullet point tho!
history
ciannán o’donnell was a flighty man, one of many relationships and flings and little loyalty, and so his affair with kiyana fletcher did not last long. when she told him he was pregnant, he moved on to a different woman, and kiyana had her son alone, with her sister on her side. dung was born to a lonely and angry woman, who had fallen for the charms and winks of a crooked criminal who spoke empty promises and lied for a living.
he grew up with his mum – a halfblooded witch and by far his favourite person in the world – in cork, attending muggle school there. he knew who his dad was, but wasn’t quite sure how to feel about —- EVERYONE knew who his dad was, a well known muggle criminal and dealer, a name notorious among the older kids at his school, a father to many. he’s like the robert baratheon of ireland, to be honest, planting bastards on every corner. lol. knowing he was one of his many kids was hard; he’d never met any of them, but he knew they were there, from his mother, from his aunt.
he met his dad for the first time at age seven, and was nothing but impressed. his dad showered him with gifts, his mum watching with a furious look on her face but biting her tongue. that moment was a switch for dung; he felt the need to impress his dad. he stole some sweets from a store on his way home from school a week later, fished some pennies out of the pockets of his classmates a few months later. when he phoned his dad to tell him, his laugh was warm and filled with life.
his relationship with his dad got better as his behaviour got worse. the thrill of stealing, of doing stuff he wasn’t supposed to, lit him not only on fire because ti was exciting, but also because he knew his dad would adore it. his mother’s worried questions and look only drove him to his dad, who liked it when he did bad things, who didn’t try and ground him ( looking back, he knows that that was stupid, but back then he was blindsided, obsessed with the mystery that was his dad ).
abuse tw // his father was abusive. period. he’s a wicked man, who has blood on his hands of people who were in his way, and he doesn’t love anything but winning and money and the high of victory. he manipulated mundungus, pushed him towards bad behaviours, showed him his bad sides when he was disappointed. most of the abuse was mental and verbal, but sometimes it turned physical as well. it’s toxic. mundungus hasn’t allowed himself to admit that to himself yet, though. end of tw //
drugs, smoking, alcohol tw // attending hogwarts was good, at first. it forced him to focus on other stuff, for a while, but his summers and winter breaks forced him back into his old behaviours. his world was split; at hogwarts, he was a loud and lively, but still a pretty good student, while at home he fell deeper and deeper in crossing lines and boundaries. he lit his first cigarette at age ten, drank his first beer at age twelve, smoked his first spliff when he turned fourteen, as a present from his dad. end of tws //
hogwarts also meant friends --- the dick squad was founded here, consisting out of dorcas, doc, daisy and dung himself. these three people meant everything to mundungus, to be honest, let him see the ways people could love each other without conditions or out of obligation. they were chaotic and messy and wrecked havoc on the castle but --- damn it, they’re his family, and he’d die for them.
drugs tw // it was in his later years that these two worlds started overlapping. his dad trusted him with a bit of produce, gave him some weed to sell at hogwarts after his christmas break in his fifth year, and it was a success. ever since, dung became pretty well known for selling a little bit of this and that. a lively spirit, he always did so with a bit of a grin, but he was also pretty fond of the stuff he sold, indulging quite a lot when business was a little slow.
he also stole a lot from rich purebloods, because fuck them
i guess ... this is where the messiness really did ... explode? mundungus liked the taste of drugs. he liked the taste of doing illegal things. he liked the taste of earning money and feeling powerful and he loved it all. he grew more dependent on alcohol and drugs. he wanted to flee, too. the world was a nasty fucking place and he knew that all too well and, fucking hell, don’t blame him for wanting to escape every now and then. end of tw //
he graduated at one point which? is a miracle? i think they just wanted to get rid of him tbh!!! but yeah, dung did Try a little at hogwarts, as he respects the hell out of dumbledore and stuff, but he was still not a good student. after graduation, he kind of joined up with his dad and started doing some illegal stuff in the wizarding world too, because why the hell not? he was good at it.
dung had no plans to join either side of the war, tbh, even though he’ss v much against the de’s cause. he’s a self serving kid!! but then he kind of got in a nasty situation where both alastor and dumbledore got him out of trouble ( that might have sent him to fucking azkaban, what a fucking idiot ) and well, dung might be a shithead, but he felt indebted to them and kind of rolled into the order.
and well --- the order was a newfound family. messy, of course, and full of chaos and distrust, but --- heck, mundungus found a lot of people there that he did end up feeling loyal to. and while that was scary, as mundungus prefers being a lone wolf ( or raccoon ), it was a kind of wonderful, too?
and -- get this -- he was an asset. his ties to the criminal world, with his ability to steal and sneak around like less than a shadow. he was useful, and mundungus fletcher had never been useful in his life before. what a weird feeling that was --- oh boy, but it was good, too. mundungus likes it. he could build on that and improve greatly and he has fucking potential to become a better person. he really wants to, too, because he feels incredibly indebted to alastor and dumbledore akjfsdf.
dont hold your breath, tho, he’s probably not going to improve a lot
mundungus doesn’t technically have a home. his mother’s place is his home, i guess, but he’s not there a lot. he crashes on couches, breaks into muggle homes of people who are on vacation ( always leaving it the way it was, but with a bit of a smell ) or in a squatter’s home, which he thinks is an iconic scene.
drugs tw // besides his work for the order, mundungus does a bit of this and that. he still works for his dad a little, dealing some drugs for him, but he’s mostly focused on making his way through the wizarding world’s underground and making a name for himself there. he sees no reason to try and find another career, finds the things he does now thrilling and exciting and honestly, he doesn’t have much of a way out.
abuse tw // his dad has a hold on him. sure, he can drop his criminal activities in the wizarding world, but when it comes to his dad's business, he’s stuck. his father isn’t going to allow him to walk away – that much should be obvious. he knows too much. and then there’s mundungus’ wish to always please his father, and his father’s endless dissatisfaction. it’s messy and bad and toxic and we all hate mundungus’ dad. end of tws //
addiction tw // what it all boils down to is that mundungus is chaotic. he never stays in one place too long, doesn’t have a consistent job, strays away from commitment and stability. he’s addicted, to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and adrenaline. he’s self serving, in the end. he’s seeking for validation, deep down, and endlessly scared of all that’s happening around him. he’s alone, dreadfully so, but that’s the way he prefers it. end of tw //
personality & tidbits
mundungus is a lowkey tortured artist. he writes awful poetry and draws a lot and he loves painting if he has time. he’s in love with the beat generation, mostly. he’s very private about this kind of stuff, though. it's his thing, and his alone. some of his tattoos he’s designed himself tho!! and we love and stan!!
his stance in the war is something that’s … pretty unknown, i imagine. mundungus benefits from appearing neutral, has connections in both the pureblood and muggle world. he likes to come across as that shady dude who will do whatever you ask of him for the right price.
can usually be spotted wearing The Coat, a rly expensive, vintage long coat that he once stole of a pureblood. he’s enlarged the pockets with some handy spellwork and pretty much carries everything he owes in there, like his produce and his money and his second pair of shoes and his art supplies and probably some random trash.
is a bit smelly, so give him a shower
most likely to show up at your doorstep at 5am with some flowers and a shit eating grin, saying “can i sleep on yer couch?”
mundungus LOVES animals but doesn’t have any because of his lack of a home. his mother has a dog, though, and he loves that dog. he also feels v connected to stray dogs and cats and can be found petting and feeding them a lot.
hates himself deeply, doesn’t think he’s worth anyone’s time (despite constantly demanding it), has a low opinion of himself. he doesn’t get it if people care about him, to be honest? the only person he can properly accept it of is his mother, but even that’s complicated.
plots!
CUSTOMERS // a simple, easy connection! basically someone who buys drugs (also does like medicinal stuff? but also drugs-drugs) of mundungus or has paid him (good money) to nick something for them. he’s pretty down to do most things as long as it’s for the right price!
PARTY FRIENDS // dung likes getting wasted / high / fucked up and having a good ol’ time with people. sure, he’s done it alone, but he prefers doing it with others. there’s a lot of room for diff options here?
YOU SAVED ME ONCE // ( alcohol tw ) a plot where someone got dung to a hospital when he got alcohol poisoning and basically saved his life?? meaning?? mundungus feels indebted and he hates that but!! he’s gonna pay your char back! he promises!
UNDER PRESSURE // i imagine that dung has some ties to de’s as well bc of his less than legal work so? maybe some death eater could try and put some pressure on him? get him to do some dirty job bc it’d not matter if he died … etc etc
UNDER PRESSURE 2.0 // on the other hand, i bet some order members are like 👀 at dung? this one’d be for order members who’re like … making sure that dung is still loyal and here?? making him feel a bit?? queasy??
ONE NIGHT STANDS // dung isnt rly good at romance but he’s good at no strings attached sex. this’d work in a lot of ways and w a lot of characters so imma keep this p open! dung is bi btw!!
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY // your average angsty exes plot? mundungus is flighty, and while he does feel feelings for people, he’s not … good with commitment. this’d be a relationship that he broke off bc he got scared or ?? something else??
COUCHES // i need some couches that mundungus can crash on adkjfhsdf he needs a place ... to sleep. he will pay you back with drugs or ... stolen goods? money? something that he didnt acquire lawfully
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Cam sucked down a few IPAs last night (click to enlarge bottle on lap) and suddenly the predictable effects of an eight month build up since his last Twitter outburst (RIP almost all his old tweets 2009-March 13, 2017) came bursting forth.
Let me preface this by saying that of course no one should tweet hate and hostility to anyone. But as usual, when Cam starts trying to talk about it, he buries the message in his attacks on the world in general. He becomes part of the problem-or hypocritical as fuck.
Now, on to his tweets: Whoa, whoa, whoa, big fella-who the hell expects plot lines to unfold EXACTLY as they want? And bonus points for him using the label “toxic”-hey, you want to bunch us in with Mickey’s perceived adjective by the show runners and unappreciative fans, I’m happy to be on that side of the ledger.
As for his “genuine question”-the first one doesn’t make sense-if we all only watched our own stories, storytelling wouldn’t even be a thing? That is just you living your life? And then the second part-did any of us SAY we have any kind of ownership? Huh?
He’s truly thankful for viewers who tweet him ass-kissing tweets about how marvelous he is, but fans that question why the show has turned to shit are toxic..
“We created it, of course we care,” says the guy who only seems to tweet about Shameless when there’s a gun to his head, who has stopped sharing BTS photos, who never tweets anything insightful, just “this shit’s on again this week, watch it or don’t”. Yeah, we’re really not feeling that you care about the show or the characters WE still care about, including yours, and what’s happening to them as the show gets perplexingly more disjointed and retconned with every episode.
Well, which is it, Cam? Are we toxic or pissy? And you know what? It’s not the “team” that lost, it’s Mickey fans, Gallavich fans, fans who watched for the good portrayal of LGBT+, childhood abuse survivors, and people dealing with mental illness who fucking lost when this dumbass show decided to call Mickey an ignorant thug pimp attempted murderer and threw him away like he was trash. I think we all have a right to be “pissy” about that.
OH NO HE DID NOT. When I woke up to this rant this morning, when I got to this tweet, I almost had a stroke. He totally went with the company line-used the exact same wording as Sheila’s original position (that she has since modified to “it seems like an easy fix to just pay the actor”)...I’m still livid about this. Why is he saying this NOW, after Noel’s been gone YEARS? At the end of Season 5, the night the finale aired, Cam was the only cast member to have the balls to call it what it was-the end of five years of collaboration. I have no doubt he got his ass chewed out for it at the time, and that might partly explain why he remained quiet for a while after-but really? NOW? Now you’re throwing Noel under the bus? It’s all his “fault”, that because he left that you’re now being upset by toxic, pissy fans? NOT because of the shitty writing, the Noel/Mickey defamation that almost every cast member and producer/writer engaged in, the incredibly bad storylines the show has given us since, the costars they’ve paired your character with that can barely spit their lines out, let alone generate chemistry with you? He can’t be that obtuse, that he thinks that people who truly appreciated Mickey and Noel’s portrayal of him are the ones sending hate to his questionable choice in gfs and to poor, in way over his head Elliot. Again, it’s not right to send anyone hate, but he’s acting like sending hate to the people listed was caused by Noel “choosing” to walk away. Fuck, we KNOW you’re not that dense, Cameron. You’re just coming off as a total ass on this point-doing exactly what you’re accusing others of doing.
This came off so wrong, so dismissive, so “you’re lucky I even do this shit-just shut up and take it”. I get that it’s gotta be REALLY HARD to work at your craft like he actually does, to put heart and effort into it and then have people howl about how awful it is, but it’s not our fault that the scripts and stories and plot points he’s given to work with are total turds. Yes, I get that he’s working extremely hard with his considerable talent to provide us with entertainment. But no matter how hard you polish a turd, it’s still a turd. And if fans just sat back and accepted it, the turds would get even worse. And he wouldn’t want us to just sit back like parents at a kindergarten play saying everything he does is like a rainbow shooting out of his ass. Maybe for a while he’d enjoy the non-discerning adulation of a teenage girl with her first crush who thinks everything he does is a revelation and awesome, but it’d get old, fast. If he and the rest of the cast got a participation trophy for every single episode, what’s the point? If fans aren’t saying, “Hey, this part that you guys did here? Not so great...” where’s his incentive to do better, reach further?
On another note though-great use of the past tense here, Cameron. That actually IS accurate-what the show used to provide in the Gallavich days was art, but now it’s not.
Saints preserve us-he’s said shit like this before, and it’s never been what he’s said it’s going to be. I HOPE he’s hinting at Ian being manic again with the “harrowing and tragically comic” word choice, but didn’t the writers say they’ve addressed that and Ian’s fine, he’s on meds, no need to worry about that stuff anymore? From the spoilers I’ve seen, sadly hoping Ian doesn’t have his disorder under control seems to be the only explanation for what he’s going to do. And, really, that’s not something I want to see unless the payoff is he finally realizes how no one, not his family, not Terror, not anyone but Mickey was ever there for him.
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A Study in Hypocrisy #2.2
Or why the Avengers’ relationship to Tony was unhealthy at best, Steve isn’t fit to be a leader, and why I’m Team Iron Man to the end.
WHY TONY’S RELATIONSHIP WITH THE AVENGERS IS UNHEALTHY AT BEST
Tony’s relationship with the Avengers has always made me uncomfortable. For the longest time, I couldn’t put my finger on why exactly, but I’ll try to organize my thoughts in this series.
This post was getting far too long, so I decided to cut it into parts, one per Avenger.
STEVE
Steve’s relationship with Tony is bathed in hypocrisy and double standards right off the bat. When Steve meets Bruce, he tells him that he doesn’t care about his reputation and will essentially make up his own mind about what kind of person he is from what he sees as they work together.
Yet he doesn’t apply that very same standard to Tony, instantly judging and comparing him to Bucky.
Big man in a suit of armor. Take that away, what are you?
[...]
I know men with none of that worth ten of you.
Avengers (2012)
Where does Steve get off judging Tony like this? Reading a file doesn’t give him intimate knowledge of who Tony is as a person. And his fortune has nothing to do with who he is inside. Indeed, it sounds like he holds Tony’s fortune (which he worked hard to build—whatever people may think, SI’s products didn’t invent themselves) against him. Which makes no sense?
In Winter Soldier, we see quickly enough that neither Steve nor Natasha trust Tony. When they show up at Sam’s, they promptly tell him everyone they know wants to kill them, which is so absurdly stupid and wrong I have no words for it. Tony would never ally with HYDRA. Tony designed the freaking helicarriers. Hell, he’s a tech genius. He was the obvious choice in this case! He could have provided them with a safe house, any supplies they needed, backup and unlimited technical help.
But do you think they went to him?
Nooo. And why? Apart from “they’re stupid and Marvel didn’t want to pay for RDJ,” because Steve already knew about the Winter Soldier killing Tony’s parents. They could have avoided dumping all of SHIELD’s files on the internet. They could have protected the hundreds of undercover agents who were caught unawares once their legends were blown. They could have protected those agents’ families. They could have protected the agents who weren’t undercover, but still carrying out missions at the time. They could have avoided the crazy damage caused by three giant flying machines shooting each other out of the sky right over Washington DC. There would have been considerably less loss of life had Tony been involved.
And yet they chose to keep him out of it.
And here’s where it starts to get very sour, and where I get very, very bitter.
Around rolls Age of Ultron and Steve is so, so quick in putting the blame on Tony. Like everyone else, he promptly forgets Bruce’s involvement, and makes Tony the sole culprit. After 3 years fighting side by side, he doesn’t even give him the benefit of the doubt. He doesn’t pause to think of somebody other than his precious little self and wonder if, maybe, he’s not so special after all and others might have experienced visions, too.
Nope. No, it’s evil, it’s bad, so it’s gotta be Tony’s fault.
Then, there’s the culmination of his hypocrisy: “Sometimes, my teammates don’t tell me things.”
Okay. First, who the fuck do you think you are, asshole? You don’t get to demand that your teammates tell you everything? What the hell! Nobody owes you anything whatsoever.
Second, who the fuck do you think you are to demand complete transparency after keeping the secret of said teammate’s parents’ death for over a year?
This pissed me off. so. damn. much.
Pardon my French.
The sheer hypocrisy, people. The balls!
Now then. What about trusting freaking Wanda Maximoff over your teammate? She suddenly realizes that she’s gonna die too if the world ends, switches to your side out of sheer convenience and self interest, and after 30 seconds you take her advice that “Stark is evil” like she’s the Messiah? Wow. It must be nice to be so convinced of your own self-righteousness.
Finally, Civil War.
Let’s forget about the fact that Steve probably didn’t read the Accords. The entire thing has to have taken place over the course of, what... a week at most? Starting with the introduction of the Accords. There is no way in hell Steve—or anyone else on his team, really—would have managed to read and understand a piece of legislation as complex as the Accords in that time. No way. Which means that he heard a vague description of it and said “no” for... what reason again?
But I digress.
Tony offers compromises. He works his ass off to come up with a way to wipe Steve and Sam’s record clean, and to offer Bucky therapy instead of prison. He keeps reaching out, over and over again, only to have his hand slapped away by Rogers. But unlike Rogers, Tony doesn’t dismiss Steve’s claims that there are other Winter Soldiers. He investigates the information and then, because his heart is too big for his own good, he still goes to Siberia to help.
And there are 5 more super soldiers just like him. I can't let the doctor find them first, Tony. I can't.
Captain America: Civil War (2016)
Because where Steve says “I,” Tony says “we.” Because Tony Stark, who “doesn’t play well with others,” is the one who keeps reaching out and trying to move as a team. Because Steve, who keeps preaching about fighting “together” and not having secrets, keeps his tightly under wraps. Again, do you think Sam and Bucky were aware of Tony’s deal?
Back on topic, Tony goes to Siberia to help Steve, who then proceeds to invalidate his trauma and pain at seeing his parents die in front of his eyes. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, of course Tony’s not stupid and realizes that Steve knew. But instead of confessing, Steve lies to his face all. over. again.
I will not even go into that condescending letter, which could be summarized like follows: “I’m sorry you don’t understand that I was right and you were wrong, and if you’re prepared to beg for forgiveness and freely offer your house, your toys and your money to me again, I might just, after some time, agree to forgive you. P.S.: How is it, being all by yourself in that huge place?”
Steve is a hypocritical, holier-than-thou asshole and needs a kick where the sun don’t shine. Tony better not forgive anyone until they grovel for at least 10 years.
ETA: Also, that “I could do this all day” line infuriated me to no end. Implying that Tony’s being a bully when he’s just been stabbed in the back by his teammates while he was trying to do what was right is downright petty, stupid, awful and shitty.
Masterpost
Part 1
Part 2.1: Natasha | Part 2.2: Steve | Part 2.3: Thor
#marvel#tony stark#steve rogers#a study in hypocrisy#captain hypocrite#tony stark deserves better#tony stark defense squad
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2016 Movie Year in Review
All the 2016 movies I saw, ranked from worst to best, with superlatives in the end.
Notes:
1. I apologize for some of these reviews being half-assed. I went a bit overboard with this and at a certain point just wanted to be done.
2. Thank you for reading this. Even if you don’t read it all, just pretend that you did and tell me how great I am. I love validation.
3. If you disagree with any of my reviews, please tell me, so I can explain precisely why your taste is shit. I also welcome regular discussion.
91. Diablo – In what was a recurring theme in 2016, I saw this under-the-radar Western despite its’ shitty reviews. I was never one to let critics influence my own opinion on something, and I figured that Scott (son of Clint) Eastwood’s Western debut with a supporting performance from personal-fave Walton Goggins couldn’t be that bad. Well, if it’s completely forgotten about and accomplishes nothing else (it already has been and it doesn’t), “Diablo” shows that even the majority of people can sometimes be totally, totally right.
This film is about a young Civil War veteran whose sexy wife gets kidnapped and he goes out on a journey to rescue her. Along the way, we start to realize that the motivations in the kidnapping and the rescue aren’t so simple, etc. The premise is decent and it starts out well (with one hell of an entrance for Eastwood’s character) but the longer the movie goes on, the exponentially faster it falls apart.
This is one of the most poorly-made and ineptly-written actual movies I’ve ever seen. It’s kind of like an Ed Wood flick minus the schlocky charm. None of the characters in this movie act or talk like actual human beings. It’d be surreal if it felt intentional. I’ve written better screenplays on toilet paper, and I don’t mean with a pen. The dialogue is awful and often goes nowhere, the direction is confusing, guns are shot with zero recoil (a personal trigger for me, no pun intended), the acting (even from good actors like Goggins and Danny Glover) sucks, the plot twist is retarded and obvious from a minute into the movie, and I’m willing to bet that even the catering for this film wasn’t that great either.
If Scott Eastwood wants a future in Westerns (or movies in general), I would ask/bribe/intimidate everyone who saw this film to sign a non-disclosure agreement, which shouldn’t be hard since so few people saw it. “Diablo” has nice intentions, but intentions will only get you so far when everyone involved in the creative process is so inept at their job that they make Sony/Warner Bros. executives look almost competent. It’s would all be hilarious if it wasn’t so damn dull. It feels a bit mean giving my bottom spot to a tiny, independent movie with almost no release when there’s plenty of studio-produced garbage to choose from (more on that shortly), but trust me, even in a shitty year for film like 2016, “Diablo” deserves it.
Nice cinematography, though.
90. Suicide Squad – I’m probably going to spoil parts of the movie here. I also probably won’t proofread this review after I finish writing it. I don’t care, honestly, because just thinking about the aptly-named “Suicide Squad” makes me lose the will to live.
I went into this film expecting it to be garbage even before the negative reviews started pouring in. When I heard that Warner Bros. were planning massive reshoots and rewrites to “make the movie more light-hearted”, a million red flags went up for me. It’s one thing to add in a few additional shots or lines, but WB wanted to fundamentally alter the film’s DNA, while still retaining much of the original footage. The result isn’t so much a new film but rather two films horrifically Frankensteined together, not unlike last year’s “Fantastic Four” (how’s that for a comparison?) The first half is atrocious. It’s just a series of introductions to the main cast that all feel like badly-edited music videos. EVERY. GODDMAN. SCENE in the first half of the movie has some really out-of-place popular song that is not only groan-inducing but also doesn’t fit the tone of the scene in most cases. Slipknot doesn’t even get one of these introductions (not that it matters much since he’s killed off about 10 minutes after we first meet him). His intro amounts to another character saying the funniest line of the movie; “That’s Slipknot. He can climb ANYTHING.” Whoa, watch out for this bad motherfucker.
I don’t know how much of this you can blame on the reshoots, but the plot is fundamentally retarded, as well. Putting aside the basic idea that the contingency plan for a rogue god-like superhero is just a small team of criminals with guns and melee weapons, only two of whom have actual powers, the story progression beats are just plain dumb. The main villain is an all-powerful witch that was supposed to be on the squad but escapes because the government was very lenient in looking after her. Upon being rescued, Viola Davis’ government higher-up kills her subordinates because they “didn’t have clearance” or something like that, even though it was literally their job to help her run everything. At one point, the Joker shows up, takes Harley Quinn away from the squad, only to crash and die (but not really), and she just returns a minute later. In wanting to show his trust, the soldier in charge of the Squad smashes his explosion-app phone, and allows them to leave if they want to. In the ONLY genuinely funny moment in the movie, comic relief character Captain Boomerang wordlessly gets up and leaves. In a move I will never forgive Warner Bros. for, he just returns unceremoniously a minute later (there might be a boomerang joke there, but that’s giving the script too much credit). During the climax, the Squad has a fight with the witch, during which no one even gets hurt so it feels pretty pointless, before she says to stop and tries to coax them into joining her by making them envision and promising them their greatest desires (once again wasting the character’s potential, Captain Boomerang’s is never shown).
The characters might have been the saving grace, but they are all handled incredibly poorly. Despite being “bad guys” (which they verbally remind each other and the audience throughout), they are more like quirky Guardians of the Galaxy-esque heroes, spouting quips and doing the right thing even when it’s against their supposed nature. El Diablo makes sense, as he’s trying to repent for his sins, but why do the rest of them have morals? Why, during Diablo’s story about how he accidentally killed his family, does Harley Quinn un-ironically give him a “how could you do such a monstrous thing?” reaction. What little character development any of them have feels rushed and/or forced, where by the end they are willing to sacrifice themselves for each other and calling themselves a “family” despite having only met a few hours earlier and only exchanged a few quips here and there. Where they could have made genuinely interesting characters by making the main-characters actual villainous anti-heroes who act against the government even while working for them, Warner Bros. just made them typical Marvel heroes, spouting typical Marvel quips while killing typical Marvel cannon-fodder enemies and trying to close a typical Marvel sky portal that can destroy the world or whatever it was supposed to do, except doing it all worse. It doesn’t help that Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Katana, and even Joker are all useless and have literally no practical purpose for being in the plot.
How do you fuck up a movie so badly that even Will Smith can’t save it? Smith is one of the few good things about this movie, basically playing his typical leading-man Will Smith persona but he’s so charismatic and likable that you can’t help but feel bad for him for being in this dreck. The rest of the cast is a mixed bag. Margot Robbie has the potential to play a good Harley Quinn, but none of her jokes work (a combination of her delivery and the awful script) and as mentioned before, she’s written to be way too sympathetic. Jai Courtney (Boomerang) had the career-first potential to be good here, but is barely used and what little comic relief he provides is squandered. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (who I was actually looking forward to in this movie) has only like 6 lines as Killer Croc underneath all that makeup, and all of them make him sound like a black stereotype; as a favor for accomplishing the mission at the end, he asks for BET in his cell, which is a step above asking for fried chicken and grape-drank, so at least there’s that. The guy playing El Diablo is alright. The actors playing Col. Flagg and Katana are forgettable. Oscar-nominee Viola Davis is actually pretty bad as the government head of the squad, looking bored throughout and giving stilted line-deliveries while failing to be intimidating. Cara Delevingne (in her witch form) looks and talks like a particularly poorly-written Game of Thrones character, and is probably the least intimidating villain I’ve ever seen in a comic book movie. Ben Affleck is in the movie for like, a minute. That’s all there is to him.
And how can I forget Jared Leto’s performance as Joker? No seriously, how? Please tell me. He decided that playing the most famous bad guy in comic history would be to act like a Tourette-afflicted edgy teenager who rebels against his upper-class parents by shopping at Hot Topic. At least he was entertainingly cringe-worthy, unlike most of the movie, which is just the regular kind. Who knows, maybe in all that cut footage of him lies a good performance or character arc, but he seems less like a demented criminal mastermind and more like the type of person who would giggle maniacally to himself after tearing the tag off of his mattress. Also, if there’s a word for the introduction version of an anti-climax, Joker’s first appearance in the film is exactly that.
In summary, the acting ranges from decent to bad, the characters are weak, the writing is abysmal, the plot is nonsensical, the tone is all over the place, the music choices are head-drillingly irritating, the action scenes are dull to the point where I zoned out quite a bit during them, and all-in-all a movie that should’ve been stylish and cool is just drab and embarrassing. I know that director David Ayer is better than this (and that he didn’t even have any say in the final edit) and I’m sure there’s a decent cut of this film somewhere, so instead of blaming him I’m going to blame Warner Bros., a studio that gives Sony Pictures a run for their money in terms of sheer incompetency. They’re in such a hurry to catch up to Marvel that they forgot to properly set up their universe and don’t even have a clear vision for what they want to accomplish, story-wise. Say what you will about the MCU and how formulaic a lot of their movies are, but at least Kevin Feige has a vision for his series and makes it work. WB saw the less-than-ideal performance of “Batman v Superman”, panicked, and butchered Ayer’s film to try and make it appeal to as many people as possible, ultimately appealing to no one.
Hell, give Zack Snyder the reigns to the DCEU. He’s not without his flaws, but he’s the closest thing to an auteur working in superhero films today and he’s infinitely more competent in telling a story than the hacks who edited the “Suicide Squad” I saw in theaters. Who is the real Suicide Squad? Is it the team of “bad guys” in the movie? Or is it the audience who is forced to endure this piece of shit? If there is justice, it will be the executives at Warner Bros. who should be forced by shareholders to commit ritualistic suicide live on The CW following “Arrow”
Or just punched in the stomach.
89. Ghostbusters – A “Ghostbusters” reboot is the most politically divisive film of 2016. It’s things like this that make me wonder if we’ve lost our way as a culture. Why people got so up in arms over the casting is beyond me. Personally, I think that anyone who condemns or praises a film solely because of the sex of its leads should be sterilized. But for months ahead of release, I saw almost nonstop articles, Tweets, and arguments about “misogyny” and “the patriarchy” and “raped childhoods” in regards to a silly comedy about people who hunt ghosts, and I started to wonder if it was actually a bad thing that the Chinese will soon take over the West (not that the Chinese would ever allow this film to be released, because Commies are afraid of ghosts or something like that).
It should come as no surprise to anyone with the slightest bit of rationality and foresight, however, that all this controversy would amount to nothing because the film is just a dull, unimaginative slog. I was expecting the movie to be shit because writer/director Paul Feig is a hack who never should have moved past television comedies, and Sony Pictures is a major movie studio run by a bunch of chimps with Down’s Syndrome, and apparently I’m better at pattern recognition than most. But honestly, I can’t even get worked up about “Ghostbusters” because it was just so boring. It never reached the point of being offensively bad like “Suicide Squad”, but this movie doesn’t really have anything going for it either. The lead actresses are fine, and could do well if they had some decent material to work with, but they aren’t funny enough to carry a very improv-heavy feature length film by themselves. A good improvised bit can be like a nice sprinkling of cinnamon on a tasty dessert, but “Ghostbusters” felt like eating several spoonfuls of cinnamon straight from the container. This felt like a modern-day SNL sketch arduously stretched out to two hours.
The improv could have worked if the leads had actual characters to work with, but each one is given just one personality trait (Leslie Jones is scared, Kate McKinnon is koooooky, Kristen Wiig is insecure, and Melissa McCarthy is…there), and they often break their trait for their banter where they constantly try to say funny things and tell jokes, making them feel like a bad college comedy-troupe instead of actual characters. Paul Feig didn’t even bother with any character development; just one forced scene where the animosity between Wiig and McCarthy’s characters, that’s forgotten within 15 minutes, is finally brought up again in the last 5. After a point, I started to feel bad for the cast. I know that McKinnon, Wiig, and McCarthy can do better than this (and have), and even Leslie Jones (who was the worst part of the trailer but is surprisingly the only likable and believable character in the film) deserves more than what she’s given. The only somewhat funny character was the mayoral aide who privately supports the team while publically insulting and condemning them.
As with Paul Feig’s other films, the plot is thin as can be (four women team up to investigate ghosts, start their own business, and before you know it, all hell breaks loose), and it feels very disjointed, with a lot of scenes feeling like they could be put in different orders and it wouldn’t make a difference. As a result, the film fails to properly ramp up in terms of stakes and motivations. There are set-ups without payoffs, and payoffs to things that were never really set up. And of course Feig can’t shoot action or comedy for shit, to the point where even a gifted physical comic like McCarthy looks like she’s lightly swinging at air in her fight scenes. He also clearly misses the R-rating he’s had so far in his feature films, where the lack of jokes is exacerbated without the crutch of swearing to lean on. Plus, as typical of a Sony Pictures movie, there’s enough forced product placement on display to make Michael Bay blush.
The lowest points of the film are the cutesy references to the original film and cameos from the original cast, with the absolute nadir being a scene with a Bill Murray who looks like he’s wondering if it’d be faster to run away from the film set (that he was sued into being on) or to slit his own throat. This just points to a studio product that plays it so safe and close to the original that it doesn’t have any identity of its own, and funnily enough, the gender-swapping of the lead roles is the only decent idea it has to differentiate itself.
As I said before, this wasn’t terrible or painful to watch (possible because I was already detached very early in the movie, but still). I got two chuckles, one from Jones and one from Chris Hemsworth, and a handful of snorts here and there. The CGI, sets, and prop-design are all colorful and surprisingly solid. But the overall movie is just mediocre and a chore to sit through. I normally don’t write lengthy reviews for comedies because there are only so many ways to say something isn’t funny, but the 2016 “Ghostbusters” just isn’t funny, and all the controversy that was brewed up (it wouldn’t surprise me if Sony manufactured the hateful reactions to the trailers themselves to drum up publicity) ultimately led to another one of the same bland, cash-grab remakes that Hollywood has been pumping out for the last several years. Now I may be a sexist, chauvinistic white cis-het misogynist shitlord, but I think the movie-going public deserves better than this, even those dumb bitc…[REDACTED]
88. The Neon Demon - A 16-year-old girl moves to LA to become a model, and finds quick success due to her good looks (and we know she looks good because none of the other characters, including her, ever stop mentioning it), but soon after finds herself succumbing to her own hubris and the jealousy of those around her. That’s literally the entire plot of the movie, minus some of the dirty specifics. Then again, you don’t see a Nicholas Winding Refn for the plot. As can be expected from any of his post-Drive films, characters speak very obvious dialogue with remarkably long pauses, they stare off into the distance a lot (even when just looking into a mirror), jarring ultraviolence occurs, and pretty red-and-blue lighting abounds.
I found NWR’s particular brand of violent, brightly colored autism amusing up to a point, but after a while, it became increasingly grating. Part of that is that the movie as a whole just feels kind of pointless. Thematically it’s quite obvious; the modeling world exploits young women, and said women are also jealous, catty bitches (at least, that’s the impression I got from Refn). But why the fuck is this movie two hours long? So much of the film is just NWR indulging in all of his trademark filming techniques at the expense of making interesting characters. Yes, there are plenty of striking visuals with their fair share of obvious symbolism, but that’s pretty much all there is to it. Much of the movie is filmed like a modeling session or a runway show (which is probably intentional), but there comes a point where you just want to shout “YES, I GET THE GODDAMN POINT, ALREADY.” After about an hour in, I just wanted it to end and couldn’t really care about what happened next. In what seemed like an attempt to rope me back in, the last 40 minutes or so is when the twisted and violent stuff starts happening, but I was less shocked and more annoyed and disgusted by what I was seeing.
The cast is alright, I suppose. The performances from Bella Heathcote and Abbey Lee as the two models that become jealous of the main character are fun and biting. Keanu Reeves is surprisingly entertaining as a sleazy motel manager. As much as I hated that one particular scene with Jena Malone (you’ll know it when it happens), I commend her for being so committed to her performance to actually pull that scene off. Everyone else kind of just occupies that NWR character spectrum that exists somewhere between ethereal and autistic (leaning much closer to the latter in this film).
I hate it when people say the stuff I dislike about a movie is done intentionally. Was my boredom intentional? If, however, the prospect of having Nicholas Winding Refn slowly jerking himself off in your face for two hours while maintaining unblinking eye contact with synth music playing in the background sounds like your cup of tea, then “The Neon Demon” will satisfy your unusually specific fetish, you weirdo.
87. Triple 9 – Have you ever seen an urban police drama? Congrats, you’ve already seen “Triple 9”. Basically, there is a squad of crooked Atlanta cops who plan to rob a government building with some criminals in order to appease a mob wife (hammed-up by Kate Winslet in what could possibly be her first bad performance), and they aim to simultaneously stage the murder of a fellow cop across town so there would be little resistance during their robbery. There are ride-alongs, roughing up of suspects, lots of swearing, drug use, betrayals, etc. Pretty much every “gritty” urban crime movie cliché since the ‘90s is in this film, and very little of it is interesting. The movie only really comes alive during its action sequences. The opening bank robbery and mid-film raid especially are expertly crafted and are genuinely exciting. However, they (and a wonderful little cameo from Michael K. Williams) are the film’s only highlights, and the only other thing “Triple 9” is noteworthy for is having such a talented cast and wasting them on such been-there-done-that material. It’s not an ordeal to get through; it holds your attention and it’s thankfully not as edgy as I feared, but between the dull plot, lame dialogue, and unlikable, two-dimensional characters, “Triple 9” is more of a Single 5 (out of 10).
86. The Invitation – A man named Will, who looks like a cross between Jesus and Tom Hardy, brings his new girlfriend to a dinner party set up by his long-estranged ex-wife and her new husband. Things start to get weird when they begin talking a lot about a spirituality group they’re a part of, and Will’s paranoia over their strange behavior is made worse when all of his friends seem to accept it with no problem. I went into watching this movie with little to no expectations, and those expectations were steadily raised by the performances and direction, and it all got pissed away at the end. For a while, it seemed like a really good drama with a genuinely interesting exploration of grief, but without spoiling anything, in the third act it became the EXACT movie I was really hoping it wouldn’t become. I’m sure most people won’t have the problem with this movie that I did, and the good actors and Karyn Kusama’s strong directing (she expertly builds tension and creates a great sense of space) keep it going for the most part, even despite how dumb and illogical a lot of the characters are. But I was just so disappointed by the schlock it became that it just left a bad taste in my mouth. Accept this “Invitation” if you want, but I’m staying home instead.
85. Swiss Army Man – Look, I give it points for originality, but this was never going to be my kind of movie. It’s the kind of premise and cast (Paul Dano uses Daniel Radcliffe’s magical farting corpse to get back to civilization while learning about life) that seemed destined to be “baby’s first high-concept indie film”. I saw it because I wanted to give it a chance anyway, and while it’s not without its merits (a good deal of creativity, two committed performances, and plenty of visual flair), the endless grossout humor, montages, and really ham-fisted explanation of themes and character development wore me down to the point where I just didn’t care by the end. I would have liked for the movie to have a more straight-faced approach to the situation, which I think would have underlined the absurd humor present. Instead, we have the kind of ironic whimsy one would get if they saw a bunch of Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry films and completely missed the point. I also would have liked a darker and more realistic ending, one that would actually feel like a culmination of the themes of loneliness and isolation the movie wouldn’t shut the fuck up about. As you might have guessed, the tone is all over the place, too.
If you like this movie, that’s fine. But “Swiss Army Man” is certainly not 2deep4me, and if there is any point I missed in watching it, I don’t care enough to re-watch it. Someone told me that a lot the things I found annoying about this film are intentional. Well, intentionally annoying is still. Fucking. Annoying.
84. Elvis & Nixon – The premise for this movie is really neat. On a December morning in 1970, Elvis Presley strolls up to the White House to request an emergency meeting with Richard Nixon and convince the President to swear him in as an undercover agent, leading to one of the most famous photos in U.S. history. The execution: not so great. The main problem is that the actual meeting is only the last 15-or-so minutes of the movie. The lead-up involves Elvis and his manager’s efforts to actually set up the meeting with Nixon’s staff, while Nixon is hesitant about allowing it. There is way too much stuff about the manager and his family, and Nixon’s staff. It’s not a lot of screentime, but it’s stuff/people you don’t care about in the slightest and is too much by definition (no offense to Colin Hanks, but he should really stick to TV). A lot of this stuff could have been replaced by more Elvis/Nixon, or just cut out entirely, since even at 87 minutes, the film’s length is stretched out.
Luckily, the movie is saved by the outstanding talents playing the titular characters. Michael Shannon as the King and Kevin Spacey as Tricky Dick are so good that they go beyond mere caricatures and actually feel like they embody the historical figures, even if the material is rather light. Much of the movie’s focus is on Shannon’s Elvis, and he easily holds the film together, even though you wish there was more of Nixon. The meeting between the two is of course the highlight of the movie, a wonderful stranger-than-fiction moment of history that would have made a pretty good short film. Here’s hoping for an exploitation-style sequel where they team up to fight evil drug fiends, because they deserve a movie as fun and unique as they are.
83. The Little Prince – Full confession: I wrote this review a couple of months after actually seeing “The Little Prince” on Netflix and I barely remember anything about it. I remember thinking it was a nice little animated film with a nice message about not forgetting your childhood spirit and imagination and sense of wonder as you grow up. I remember thinking that the CGI animation was nothing special (it was animated in France with a modest budget, so I won’t complain), but the stop-motion sequences were pretty impressive. I remember chuckling a few times and getting the feels once or twice.
It’s alright, from what I recall, so check it out if you like. I’m sorry if you’re a big fan of “The Little Prince” and were hoping for a more in-depth and detailed review, but I genuinely had a hard time remembering stuff about this film, which (considering the film’s message and key themes) is pretty ironic.
82. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back – I was going to make a superlative at the end of this list for “most generic”, but I realized nothing came close to this Tom Cruise action thriller. This movie is so relentlessly generic that it almost feels intentional, like a satire of one of those mediocre 90’s thrillers that are shown endlessly on cable, probably as a double-feature with “U.S. Marshals”. Tom Cruise has never made a bad movie, but this is easily one of his worst ones. Typical conspiracy thriller plot from the type of shitty airport-bookstore paperback novels that boring middle-aged people enjoy (and that these movies are adapted from). Noteworthy only for the scenes with Cruise’s maybe-daughter and their dynamic, something that feels like it’s from a different movie altogether but funnily enough is the only stuff that actually works. Not terrible in any way, but this is something for a lazy Sunday afternoon or to have on in the background while you do something more interesting like ironing your clothes or vacuuming dog hair from underneath the sofa.
81. Gods of Egypt – Who would have thought that a silly fantasy movie about ancient Egyptian deities would be such a beacon for controversy the way it was prior to release? (The controversy was swiftly forgotten about, as it usually happens). Don’t get me wrong, whitewashing is certainly an issue in Hollywood, but in a film where 10-foot-tall, golden-blooded gods rule over a flat Earth consisting entirely of Egypt while Ra, the God of the Sun, rides around in a magic spaceship taking potshots at a giant space worm all day, complaining about historical inaccuracy is a bit silly. Regardless of what ancient Egyptians actually looked like, any attempt at historical realism would just be jarring and out-of-place here.
Gerard Butler and Chadwick Boseman hamming it up as the evil Set and smarmy Thoth are fun, as is Geoffrey Rush as Ra. Shame that the rest of the cast is as dull and forgettable as they are. The CGI quality is in the halfway-point between “good” and “Syfy movie-tier”. It’s not exactly convincing, but it’s pretty and colorful enough that you don’t need too much suspension of disbelief. Tonally and stylistically, the movie harkens back to those cheesy low-budget fantasy films from the 80’s (if not in budget and star-power). I particularly love how the human girl love interest is portrayed as an innocent girl-next-door-y type, but her massive, barely-contained rack is prominent in almost every frame she’s on screen.
The only major detrimental flaw (and it’s kind of a big one) is that “Gods of Egypt” feels about 20-30 minutes too long. It just doesn’t have the narrative strength or filmmaking energy to sustain its’ running time. If it was edited down (particularly the parts with the young, discount-Orlando Bloom main human character), it’d be a reasonably fun movie. Still, I appreciated “Gods of Egypt” for its goofily-sincere throwback spirit, and nothing about it was painful to watch. Not god-like, but not god-awful either.
80. High-Rise – It’s difficult for me to review a film like “High-Rise”, because while there’s a great deal I admire about the film, the overall experience just felt hollow and repetitive to me. It’s about a young doctor who moves into a fancy 1970’s London high-rise, a self-sustained building with many luxuries intended to provide equal quality of housing to all its inhabitants, where mounting tensions between tensions between the upper and lower floors eventually give way to literal class warfare (subtle). While the first half of the movie is engaging, as the doctor maneuvers through all the social groups and meets a lot of the residents, the second half where the actual fighting starts lost me pretty quickly. None of the characters behave like normal human beings, which makes it hard to be invested in their conflict. While there’s some maintenance issues and disrespect in the building, it’s not clear why they all descend into savagery so quickly. I guess it’s something we’re just supposed to accept (human nature, man), but I feel like a more prolonged slide into chaos would have helped the movie, especially since the second half is just repetitive “one side does bad shit to the other, while the doctor tries to stay out of it” nonsense.
While I don’t buy any of the characters, the cast is strong and they play these caricatures with great conviction. I actually love the aesthetics of the movie; the set design, lighting, camerawork, etc. all being very striking and creative. Director Ben Wheatley’s talent here is evident, even if I stopped caring about the material after a while. I get that this movie is intended to be satire, so a lot of my complaints about the movie could be something that someone else would enjoy because it was all intentional, man. Maybe you’ll get more out of it than I did, but to me it was just a pretty and well-acted slog.
79. Lion
White saviors
Inspirational piano-heavy music the occasionally remembers to throw in some foreign flavor
A cute kid
A solid performance from a minority actor (Dev Patel)
A former Oscar winner who cries a bunch (Nicole Kidman)
A well-intentioned but kind of condescending depiction of another culture
Over-reliance on fish-out-of-water humor
Really obvious plot beats and recurring elements
An attempt to depict “realism” in poverty but watering it down for a PG-13 rating,
A happy/emotional ending
“Based on a true story”
Ending text that not only says what happened to the real-life figures with photos and video, but also includes a statistic about missing children in India and how this film is helping to fix the problem while a pop song by Sia plays.
I know this was based on a true story, but it’s like the fucking Academy themselves made this movie.
78. Independence Day: Resurgence – Roland Emmerich is like a more boring Michael Bay. Many of his films are little more than special effects showcases, dragged down by stock characters and awful writing. Oftentimes, the stupidity on display in a Roland Emmerich movie goes past the point of fun and becomes downright insulting to the audience. Charitably put, the man’s kind of a hack., but even a broken hack is right twice a career (sort of). The first time was 1996’s “Independence Day”, one of the most famous movies of the 90’s and a fun piece of cheese in its own right. The second time was 2016’s long-awaited (by nobody) “Independence Day: Resurgence”*. I don’t wish to imply that “Revengeance” is high-art or anything, but if you’re in the right frame of mind, it’s a simple and comfortably enjoyable flick.
A big part of that is that it’s never insultingly stupid. It’s not smart or anything, but it goes about its business without giving anyone a headache. The characters aren’t deep, but they’re likable enough for the audience to enjoy following them and for possibly the first time in Emmerich’s career, they’re not irritating. “Revolutions” is sincere in its goal to entertain, and displays enough self-awareness to get the audience to relax, like when Jeff Goldblum cheekily comments “They like to get the landmarks” during the film’s main destruction sequence. There’s also some hilariously goofy dialogue like “The ship will touch down over the Atlantic.” --> “Which part?” --> “ALL of it.” There’s a little bit of Chinese pandering (including that juice-box filled with milk or some shit that I keep seeing in these movies), but not enough to annoy, and weirdly it suits the theme of different nationalities banding together.
The cast is fine, but really nothing special. Goldblum is enjoyable because he seems constantly aware of the kind of schlock he’s in, but “Regurgitation” is sorely missing Will Smith, who is more charismatic than all the new cast members combined. When Bill Pullman is giving the best performance, your film isn’t going to win any acting awards. One other thing that I personally really missed was David Arnold, whose score for the 1996 film is one of my favorite film scores of that decade, and the only time the soundtrack for this one comes alive is when it occasionally reprises his majestic themes.
In summary, if you’re looking for something original or high-brow, look elsewhere, but if you just want to kill a few hours and seeing a diverse** group of attractive, multinational humans band together to fight aliens warms your heart a little bit in these cynical times, then “Independence Day: Redemption” will scratch that particular itch.
* I also admit to enjoying “White House Down”
**by diverse I mean black, white, Chinese, and Jeff Goldblum.
77. X-Men: Apocalypse - There's a bit in "X-Men: Apocalypse" where the younger characters go see "Return of the Jedi" and one of them comments on how the third movie of the trilogy is always the worst.
How prophetic that line turned out to be.
Not that X-Men: Apocalypse is a bad movie, but it’s definitely closer to Brett Ratner’s “X-Men: The Last Stand” than it is to Bryan Singer’s previously strong entries in the franchise. This is definitely one of those “you take the good with the bad” situations. This is a really inconsistent (tonally and otherwise) movie, so instead of writing a repetitive “this is good, but this isn’t” review, I’ll just list off the positives and negatives and leave it up to you to decide if it’s worth watching or not. This will include some spoilers, but you’re not missing much and the canon in these movies is a complete mess anyway. I’ll say that I was entertained, sometimes genuinely and sometimes ironically, for most of the film, so take that how you will.
The Good:
Evan Peters’ Quicksilver, who steals the second X-Men movie in a row
The Quicksilver mansion scene
Nice visuals
Good soundtrack
The early scenes in Poland
The Wolverine cameo
The Bad:
Nightcrawler being wasted despite being one of the best parts of Singer’s “X2”
Jennifer Lawrence is clearly phoning it in
The film does nothing fun with the 1980s setting
Oscar Isaac is wasted on a generic “I’m going to destroy the world and only the strong shall remain” villain.
Storm joins Apocalypse’s gang for like no reason, then switches sides pretty abruptly during the climax
Olivia Munn’s Psylocke has like, one or two lines the whole movie
For the third movie in a row, Magneto becomes the bad guy because he’s Magneto
For the third movie in a row, Professor X gives Magneto the “You don’t have to do this, there is still good in you” speech.
I know it’s the key theme of the franchise, but to hear these characters complain about mutant rights and discrimination is getting tiring after so many movies
It’s two-and-a-half hours long
The Funny:
Nightcrawler’s makeup
Everyone in the movie keeps saying how important Mystique is when this is the most useless and unnecessary her character has ever been.
After killing like, millions of people during the climax, they just let Magneto go, with Professor X telling him “I’ll see you around, old friend”
The characters are 20 years older than they were in “X-Men: First Class”, but all still look like they’re in their 20s or early 30’s.
That scene where Professor X beats up Apocalypse in his mind
Coca-Cola product placement
Magneto destroying Auschwitz
76. The Finest Hours – “The Finest Hours” is a period disaster/rescue drama about a small 1950’s Cape Cod Coast Guard team’s attempts to rescue the crew of an oil tanker after their ship gets Titanic’d by a major storm, and it’s as old-fashioned a movie as it gets, even to a fault. It’s a refreshingly straightforward film. I liked the community/teamwork-focused buildup, as we get to know Chris Pine’s Coast Guardsman, his love interest, and the crew of the ship before the disaster hits. I liked the scenes on the water the most, the experience of them struggling to clear the huge waves during the heavy weather is actually pretty harrowing. I liked the warm tone and the understated heroism.
There’s really not much to this film. I feel like it’s a bit too safe and predictable and not as white-knuckle exciting as I’d hoped. I wasn’t a fan of how the movie kept cutting back to the generic worries of the people on the shore, and the only things in this film thicker than the nostalgia ah the faahkin New England ahhccents. Still, I enjoyed it. It’s not a first-rate vessel, but it stays afloat.
75. Warcraft – I’ll start this by saying that I’m not a Warcraft fan and have never played any of the games. With that out of the way…
"Warcraft" is the nerdiest movie I think I've ever seen. It was so geeky, I felt like watching and enjoying it gave me my virginity back. This movie was made for Warcraft fans and literally nobody else (maybe the Chinese, but they're an easy-to-please bunch).
I actually really admire that. In an age where almost all blockbusters are watered-down, homogenized garbage made by people who seek maximum profit by catering to the largest possible demographic, seeing Universal Pictures take such a risk and sinking $160 million (plus marketing) into a film so niche and nerdy warms my heart. A movie that tries to please everybody pleases nobody in particular, and I'm happy for the Warcraft nerds for having their own cinematic moment.
The movie itself is kind of a mess, however. Even putting aside the stuff you probably need to be a WC fan to understand, the pacing is wonky, the script is weak, most of the human cast is bland, the editing sucks, and it ends very anticlimactically. While Duncan Jones (who is the main reason I saw this movie) pulls off some impressive visuals and great moments, the movie for the most part lacks the epic feel you’d expect in a big-budget fantasy movie. I was able to follow the basic story, but I was definitely lost at times, and remembered like, 3 or 4 of the characters’ names by the time the movie ended.
“Warcraft” certainly has its positives, however. While most of the human cast is underwritten or boring, Travis Fimmel and Ben Foster are both quite good in their roles, easily standing out from their cardboard cut-out castmates. The orcs won the lottery on their actors, all of whom play the orcs with such conviction that they feel more believable than most of their human counterparts. Even the writing was better during the orc scenes, weirdly. Speaking of believable, the special effects on display are fantastic. Between the amazing-looking orcs, the magic effects and the scenery, the CG artists have definitely earned their paychecks on this one. The battle scenes were fun, and (THANK GOD) shot clearly without using shaky-cam or fast editing, those two errant turds on the delicious pie of most action films. It’s also nice to see a movie that seems like it was created out of love and affection by people who actually care for the franchise, and who don’t feel the need to make it ironic or quippy.
While I mentioned that the writing is weak (most characters are frustratingly undeveloped and there are lots of important-sounding proper nouns that left me scratching my head), I see plenty of room for improvement, and with more refinement and focus, I can see a great sequel arising from this. I genuinely hope this franchise continues, because even though it’s not my thing and certainly not without its weaknesses, I enjoyed it for the most part and it feels like such a refreshing medicine to the disease of bland, corporate modern blockbusters that I don’t mind the odd taste or that the spoon is made from frozen fanboy wank.
74. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows – I admit to being one of the few people that liked the Michael Bay-produced 2014 TMNT reboot, so I was also one of the few people looking forward to this year’s generically-subtitled sequel. I’m happy to say that as incremental as it may be, OOTS is a definite improvement. It feels less like the factory-assembled reboot typical of Hollywood attempts to cash in on nostalgic properties, and feels more in line with the original cartoon series. No longer is charisma-vacuum Megan Fox the main character; she is relegated to supporting duties, and the turtles (still enthusiastically played by their mo-cap actors) take center stage. This movie does the typical sequel thing where it includes more villains than the first, but all of them (besides Shredder, who is little more than a cameo) are surprisingly entertaining and never outstay their welcome. Tyler Perry is delightful as a mad scientist, as are the two guys who play man-beasts Bebop and Rocksteady. “Arrow” star Stephen Amell is clearly having a blast as vigilante Casey Jones. The action sequences are creative and fun to watch.
There’s plenty of product placement, but the Turtles have always been whores designed to sell merchandise, so it doesn’t feel out of place. I miss Brian Tyler’s bombastic music from the first film, the score here by Steve Jablonsky being much more generic and forgettable. The few attempts at character development are trite and unnecessary. The writing is still kinda crappy, and there’s a bit too much juvenile humor. I suppose my biggest complaint is that while the filmmaking is competent, it really lacks the sort of energy and inspiration to take it to the next level. Almost all the elements for a genuinely good Turtles movie are here; it just needs someone to put it all together into something that’s more than the sum of its parts, and not the dude who directed “Earth to Echo” (I’d heard of it either).
73. Zootopia – Nice animation, great attention to detail and some good visual gags (the population-counter on the rabbit farm, the wolf cop going undercover, etc.). Highlight of the film was the opening school-play scene. Nice message for the kids about how prejudices can lead even the most well-intentioned of people astray. Plot goes through the familiar beats of a Disney film, except for a pretty retarded third-act heel turn that I won’t spoil, but it would make more sense and have more story impact if the character didn’t feel so minor, and if it wasn’t so last-minute in the movie. “Frozen” was dull as shit, but at least the scene where HANS BETRAYS ANNA (spoiler warning) was pretty hilarious because of how well-timed and out of nowhere it was. The “grown-up” references (Godfather, Breaking Bad, etc.) feel pretty forced, mainly due to them just being references and not actual jokes. Overall, it’s a decent, well-made, and occasionally funny film (“I mean, I am just a dumb bunny, but we are good at multiplying”), but the overly-formulaic and predictable plot signifies that Disney’s lack of creative ambition is still there. Also, the sloth scene might have been funny if I hadn’t already seen it in the trailer. It’s definitely not one of those scenes that’s funny more than once.
Recommended for kids, furries, and those who love animal puns.
72. Hush – A deaf-mute writer is terrorized in her home by a psychopath intent on killing her. A nice premise with a refreshing twist on the tired home invasion genre, and the movie is a brisk 81 minutes. However, I feel like it should have been shorter, and it was only so long because the villain was so unbelievably stupid. At multiple points he could have entered her home and killed her pretty easily, but the plot dictates that she needs to think of ways to survive and outsmart him, so he’s just written as a crazy and evil idiot who wants to toy with his prey. I imagine most people would be fine with it, but his behavior became more annoying than scary after a while.
Making the film watchable is the solid directing and cinematography, along with writer/star Kate Siegel who makes for a very sympathetic and likable protagonist. We both wince and feel for her character when she gets hurt, as she sobs quietly but can’t audibly cry. Her performance is so convincing that I was genuinely surprised to find out that she’s not actually deaf in real life. The movie is decent and worth watching if you like horror-thrillers, and it shows than Blumhouse can still produce the occasional, not-garbage horror film.
71. War Dogs - I wasn’t a fan of the “Hangover” trilogy, even if the third entry was an admirably bold middle-finger to all of its established fans, but I saw talent in Todd Phillips’ direction which made me somewhat look forward to his next endeavor. Based on a true story, Miles Teller and Jonah Hill play two 20-something Miami dudes who get into the world of gun-running and happen upon a major but shady deal with the U.S. government. Basically, “Lord of War” for the new generation. However, where “Lord of War” was, despite its’ wry sense of humor, a pretty dramatic and searing look at the arms trade and the U.S. government’s involvement with it. “War Dogs”, meanwhile, feels more like a lightweight “Wolf of Wall Street”-esque rise-and-fall story of two friends and businessmen that, despite the constant references to the Bush administration, feels like only a passing criticism of the government. The key problem with the movie is how been-there-done-that it is. Even if you know nothing about the real-world story that inspired it, all the dramatic beats and character progressions are thoroughly predictable, and watching it I felt like I’ve seen this movie a hundred times already. It even opens with a variation of that freeze-frame “You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation” cliché. It’s not bad. It’s solid in pretty much every aspect. The directing by Phillips (I like a visual gag where a character sees approaching Iraqi insurgents in his truck’s side mirror, then the camera pans down to “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear”), the writing, the acting (with a noteworthy turn by Jonah Hill). It’s all fine. But the movie’s crippling lack of ambition means that by the end of the year, it’ll probably be completely forgotten about. I’m writing this review two days after having seen it and I’m genuinely having trouble remembering things about it. To put it in a hack-y movie critic kind of way; “War Dogs” is a gun that doesn’t malfunction, but never hits the bulls-eye either.
70. Jason Bourne – If the Bourne films popularized the “gritty espionage thriller” genre, 2016’s “Jason Bourne” feels like a generic knockoff made while the trend was hot, except it’s several years later and no one really cares. Still, I was looking forward to the film, because there are so few good action movies coming out these days and Paul Greengrass is at least a pretty strong director. I will always slightly resent Greengrass for popularizing the shaky-cam, fast-editing style of action filmmaking, but I admit he does it better than pretty much everyone, and it actually suits Bourne’s gritty, improvisational nature. There’s an early chase set during a riot in Athens and a climactic chase in Las Vegas that feel as urgent and intense as any action scenes I’ve seen in a while. Still, you wish the guy would invest in a tripod or something. It’s nice that Greengrass doesn’t discriminate, but exclusively hiring camera operators with Parkinson’s does make the end product a bit hard to follow, visually.
The plot is some hokum about the CIA trying to knock off a billionaire social media tech guru because he won’t let them use his product to spy on everyone, and somehow Jason Bourne is brought out of exile/retirement because of EVEN MORE buried secrets about his past. It’s pretty generic stuff that tries to be timely but comes across as trying too hard. Damon’s a compelling lead, and he’s given a decent villainous counterpart in Vincent Cassel, but it’s hard to be involved in the material. I was also disappointed by the lack of character development for Julia Stiles’ returning Nicky Parsons. Some insight into why she came out of hiding to give Bourne information would have been nice. The rest of the cast is unmemorable; Tommy Lee Jones in particular looks like he’s counting down the seconds until he stops shooting and can cash in his check.
You can tell that this is a tacked-on cash-grab sequel. They couldn’t even bother thinking of a proper Bourne title (The Bourne Resurgence, maybe?), and while Damon and Greengrass are definitely not half-assing it, you can tell their hearts aren’t really in this. Their workmanlike approach and their undeniable talent, however, does mean that Jason Bourne is an enjoyable thriller, and you’ll at least get a great pair of action scenes out of it. Still, what the hell were they thinking, making a Bourne film without Jeremy Renner?
69. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - There is perhaps no bigger red flag to me for a major blockbuster movie than hearing about “extensive reshoots”. Putting aside the lessons we’ve learned from “Fantastic 4” and “Suicide Squad”, the main problem with these kinds of reshoots is that it speaks to the studio not having enough confidence in the director’s vision, and more in the opinions of test audiences. I know that reshoots are commonplace in the film industry, but when they announced that “Rogue One” would have several weeks of reshoots that weren’t even headed by director Gareth Edwards, my heart sank a bit.
Now, I don’t mean to compare this to the previously mentioned comic-book dumpster fires, but the fact that “Rogue One” is just “kinda good” makes it pretty disappointing for me. Before some of you nerds ask; no, I didn’t watch this film with the sole purpose of criticizing it and ruining the Star Wars circlejerk. I was really looking forward to it when I heard that Gareth Edwards would direct, because his recent “Godzilla” reboot was fucking awesome and easily one of the best blockbusters of recent years, and I had hoped that “Rogue One” would mark an effort in taking this unkillable franchise to bold, new directions. It’s not like doing so would even be considered risky; “Star Wars” fans would literally pay money to eat dogshit if they were told it’d be canon or if the actor who played Wedge Antilles told them to do it.
But there’s the problem. Despite some differences in approach to the main saga, “Rogue One” is as safe as they come. Sure, there’s no opening crawl and the visuals are grittier than usual, but in terms of dialogue, storytelling, style of music, etc., it’s still very much a Star Wars movie. I do like how the movie takes itself fairly seriously and is bereft of the typical cringe-worthy Disneyquips©, but it kind of lacks the passion and inspiration that made so many people fall in love with the original trilogy.
Michael Giacchino’s score does the job, but isn’t all that memorable. He happily mimics John Williams’ style, but doesn’t display the sense of flair or majesty that made Williams’ music for this series so famous. It’s a shame we’ll never get to hear original composer Alexandre Desplat’s work for this film (he couldn’t do the score due to rescheduling around the reshoots).
The cast is a major case of “talented actors let down by a weak script and thin characters”. Try doing the Plinkett thing and describe the characters’ personalities, without talking about their role in the plot or their motivations, and ask yourself if any of them sound interesting. The main character Jyn Erso is especially disappointing, since what initially seems like a personal quest to find her father turns into her just selflessly becoming a noble rebel hero. There’s kind of an arc, sure, but it’s seriously missing any real drama to make the arc meaningful. This is especially bad during the slow and plodding first two acts of the film, which are rather unengaging and even boring at times.
The only somewhat amusing characters are the droid K-2SO (Alan Tudyk), the blind kung-fu former Jedi (Donnie Yen), and the Death Star director (Ben Mendelsohn). The droid is pretty much the only source of humor in the film, and he feels welcome because he doesn’t feel over-the-top (he’s a kind of cross between C3PO and HK-47). Donnie Yen is an insanely charismatic actor, and he makes his character interesting enough that he can overcome the writing. Ben Mendelsohn makes for an entertaining and slimy villain, but he’s let down by the script and the constraints of the canon more than anyone. Mendelsohn’s naturally villainous performance is wasted due to his character’s frequent emasculation at the hands of old franchise baddies Grand Moff Tarkin and Darth Vader.
And therein lies the crux of the matter, both that of the film and of Disney; they focus less on building the future or telling new, memorable stories in lieu of milking the past for all it’s worth. This is best exemplified by Disney’s decision to reintroduce a pair of ANH characters using their creepy, uncanny-valley CGI technology and body doubles. They did this in a few Marvel movies to have actors play younger versions of themselves, but here they use it to bring a dead actor (Peter Cushing as Tarkin) back to life, and it’s quite morbid and uncomfortable when you think about it. They literally bought a dead man’s likeness from his estate to milk it for nostalgia bucks. Is that where we are as a society where we’re totally cool with something like this? Wouldn’t it be much more natural (and cheaper) to just recast the old characters? You know, with human beings and whatnot?
Don’t get me wrong. As an action-space-fantasy movie, “Rogue One” works well enough. I mentioned previously that the first two acts are meh, despite some good moments (like the Death Star’s demonstration on a desert city, and the whole opening scene). Most of the movie was characters traveling from one colorless location to the next, getting into a scuffle with the Empire, then escaping. It’s in the third act where the movie really kicks into gear. The stakes are raised, things feel more urgent, and the bland locations are swapped for a beautiful tropical beach setting with an Empire base on it. It’s basically one large action sequence, but it works. Edwards again uses his excellent sense of scale and visual prowess to make the battle feel epic and exciting. As someone who isn’t a big Star Wars fan, it’s easily the best 30-40 minutes in any of the movies for me.
However, while “Rogue One” gives an admirable effort in being its own thing, it can’t help but keep calling back to the original trilogy just to please its established fanbase. I don’t blame all of the film’s flaws on the reshoots. There’s no obvious difference between original and new footage like a crappy wig or awful, forced humor. And who knows, maybe the reshoots actually made the film better. But at the end, “Rogue One” feels like it doesn’t want to be a Star Wars movie but is forced to be one (pun intended) by its strict parents. So often the characters go on about “hope”, as if they are seeking HOPE of a NEW variety. It may be like poetry (it rhymes), but after a point it becomes less poetry and more beating you over the head with a rhyming dictionary. For future installments, let’s cross our fingers for a little less “hope” and a little more “new”.
68. Passengers – Betrays Chris Pratt’s best movie performance to date, an excellent first act, and its own interesting (and pretty disturbing) premise by watering it down with schmaltzy Hollywood romance, unnecessary action, and a cancer-inducing end-credits Imagine Dragons song. I could write an entire essay on why the movie’s specific approach to its story is deeply uncomfortable. I’m also pretty much over Jennifer Lawrence at this point.
67. Three – Intriguing and unique chamber piece, but its comical elements and over-the-top melodrama feel out of place, and the final shootout feels like style just for style’s sake, which makes it oddly boring. Watchable, but a massive step down for Johnnie To after his excellent “Drug War”.
66. Captain Fantastic – Soulful performance from Viggo Mortensen and the occasional touching and insightful moment help buoy this portrayal of family and unconventional parenting whose biggest flaw is having a script and viewpoint that’s too smug and proud of itself for its own good, which makes most of the emotional moments feel cheap and unearned. Wes Anderson could have made a great movie out of this.
65. The Edge of Seventeen – Overcomes (just barely) the unlikability of its main character, the annoying way characters always describe what they’re going through, and its own sheer predictability with good performances, the occasional funny line and a fairly honest and empathetic look at growing up. I’d respect it more if it had the balls to have an unhappy ending. Woody Harrelson gives probably my favorite portrayal of a teacher in a movie.
64. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice – Oh, boy, here we go. For the record, this review is of the extended cut of the film.
I firmly believe that you can make or break a movie in editing. No matter how good the writing, acting, directing, and cinematography are, if a film is poorly edited, it becomes confusing at best, and a complete chore to watch at worst. Such was the case with the theatrical cut of the highly-anticipated (not by me, of course) “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”, a film that despite being two-and-a-half hours long, felt like a rushed and confusing mess. I’m not saying that the extended cut is some sort of masterpiece, but this 3-hour version is what Zack Snyder intended the finished product to be before Warner Bros. got their stupid fucking fingers on it. Characters are given more scenes to be fleshed out, subplots are better developed, and the pacing is significantly improved, amounting to a much more coherent and downright better film. If you saw the theatrical version and are really on the fence about the film, I recommend watching the extended cut.
The movie itself is still fundamentally flawed in some aspects. It’s still a film constrained by the pressure to set up an entire cinematic universe, which makes the story itself suffer. It probably should have been solely about the personal grudge between Batman and Superman and the consequences it takes on both of them, and them eventually teaming up together when they realize they’re not so different and both want the same thing. The actual movie tries to do that, have Lex Luthor try to destroy both of them, introduce Wonder Woman, set up Wonder Woman’s origin story, set-up three other Justice League members’ origin stories, set up the Justice League movie itself, have an investigative Lois Lane subplot, hint at a future bad guy, and create a giant Frankenstein monster for the third act, among other things. The movie does keep most of these plates spinning, but some of them do fall. It’s an ambitious undertaking, but we’re still left with expensive broken china.
The writing is pretty hackneyed, too. If you can explain Lex Luthor’s motivation for hating Superman to me without citing a comic book or saying “it’s just what he does”, please do. They hint at some biblical reason for it (the Christ allegories and symbolism are even less subtle here as they were in “Man of Steel”, to give you an idea), but it came across as Lex hating him for no particular reason and trying to quote scripture to justify it. There are like three extended dream sequences in the movie, which feels like two too many. And then there’s that awful flow-breaking scene where they set-up The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman. I’m reminded of an anecdote where during the making of “Man of Steel”, Zack Snyder wanted to include an after-credits scene but producer Christopher Nolan opposed, telling him “A real movie wouldn’t do that.” This story is probably bullshit, but I think it’s funny that Snyder made an after-credits scene and just crowbarred it into the middle of the movie.
“Batman v. Superman” attempts (and actually succeeds for a while) to really create a sense of consequence in a comic book movie, with the whole world, particularly Batman, being concerned about Superman’s presence on Earth after the destruction caused in “Man of Steel”. But it’s all kind of thrown out the window when that conflict is immediately dropped after the “MARTHA” scene so they could team up to fight the aforementioned Frankenstein monster. The “MARTHA” scene has become kind of infamous, but I was actually fine with it (even if it could have been better written) until Batman says “Don’t worry. Martha’s not dying tonight”, which got a good howl out of me. It was at the very least an interesting movie until it became the typical third-act destruction fest that has characterized so many superhero flicks, with even a few tonally jarring quips thrown in for good measure. The actual fight between Batman and Superman only lasts for like 5 minutes, despite so much buildup. While fun, it feels really schlocky, especially when Batman rips a sink out of a bathroom wall and starts beating Superman over the head with it. Why they started fighting in the first place instead of talking it out like Superman originally intended is beyond me, as well. Zack Snyder’s penchant for outstanding visuals is never in question (he does handheld camerawork better than pretty much anyone) but his grasp on storytelling has always been a bit iffy, even if this is arguably his best work.
If you’re a comic book fan and weren’t a fan of the characterization in this film, the extended cut won’t change your mind on that. Superman is still kind of a dick, Lex Luthor is still a Jolly Rancher-sucking autist, and Batman still kills people. It (mostly) makes sense in the context in the film, and I personally didn’t care too much, but I know some comic book fans who won’t forgive it. Last but not least, I want to mention what is probably the most annoying product placement I’ve seen in a movie this year. It’s not as gratuitous as a TMNT or Transformers flick, but at least those films didn’t take themselves seriously. There is nothing that can ruin a good, serious scene like a really out-of-place product placement. I was enjoying the scene with Clark Kent and Lois Lane in the bathtub until the camera turned to the bottle of Olay and stayed there for like a solid 2 seconds. The scene I was most looking forward to in the movie (the “Man of Steel” destruction of Metropolis as seen through Bruce Wayne’s eyes, which was really well done) was really hurt by the fact that right before the movie started they showed an ad for the Jeep used in the scene, using footage from the movie. There’s also a scene where Lex Luthor tries to force-feed Holly Hunter a Jolly Rancher. I understand that the movie’s titanic budget has to come from somewhere, but it’s shit like this that really pulls me out of the movie.
The cast is strong, particularly Jeremy Irons’ Alfred and Ben Affleck, who exceeds all expectations as Batman, even if he looks a bit silly in the suit. If nothing else, I’m really looking forward to his solo Batfleck film. Gal Gadot is nothing special, but at least she isn’t terrible. Henry Cavill is solid and likable even when the script lets him down, as is Amy Adams (not to politicize things, but I feel like this movie is getting no credit whatsoever for actually having a female love-interest who is like ten years older than her male counterpart, as opposed to the typical older-male-younger-female one). I like how they try to make Laurence Fishburne’s newspaper editor like a reverse J. Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man, constantly telling Clark Kent to report on some local sports team and admonishing him for writing about a vigilante dressed up as a bat beating the shit out of criminals and branding them.
I could go on, but at least BvS feels like an actual movie, instead of the really long trailer that was “Man of Steel”. Its (many) flaws aside, Zack Snyder is to be commended for using such a massive budget to at least try and do something different and ambitious than typical superhero films, and the fact that he succeeds as much as he does despite so many expectations and so much pressure is to be lauded. His cast is good, his action scenes are brutal and weighty (I loved that “Arkham” style warehouse fight between Batman and a group of armed thugs), his heart is in the right place, and he really, honestly dares to be different. If he had a better script and a not-terrible studio to back him up, “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” would be appreciated for what it is, and not the kind of movie that inspires actual news articles about RottenTomatoes.
63. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk – Uneven but occasionally powerful and refreshingly biting look at America’s oft-hypocritical worship of its soldiers and what battle can really do to their psyche, with lead actor and newcomer Joe Alwyn deftly carrying the movie on his shoulders. Let down by a weak script and most of the supporting characters being one-dimensional caricatures, however intentional it may be. The weirdest cast ever assembled for a drama (Garrett Hedlund, Chris Tucker, Steve Martin, Kristen Stewart, and Vin Diesel) works surprisingly well, except for the sadly out-of-place Martin. Didn’t get to see it in the original 4K, 120fps format, but at least I don’t get a headache out of it.
62. Hidden Figures – Typical inspirational historical drama. Sugary and as clichéd as it gets, but solid enough that it works. Elevated by strong performances from the three leading women, made amusing by how every other line spoken by any of them is an Obama-esque crowd-pleasing “Mmhmm” moment, and almost ruined by the presence of Bazinga as a racist, sexist strawman who is just there to be continually outsmarted and embarrassed by the smart, black lady. Probably going to become a staple in high school math/physics classes with lazy teachers. Thumbs up for the Oscar-bait title.
61. 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi – I let out a good chortle when I heard that there would be a movie about the 2012 Benghazi attack starring Jim from “The Office” and directed by none other than Michael Bay, a man whose approach to maturity and good taste generally amounts to a passing laugh and cocaine-sneeze. It was to my pleasant surprise (and admitted slight disappointment) that “13 Hours” turned out to be not only a solid military thriller but also Bay’s most restrained and mature movie. Don’t get me wrong; there’s still plenty of military hardware porn, explosions, and tastefully lit shots of a shirtless John Krasinski (hnnng). However, it also doesn’t include the obnoxious humor and out-of-place product placement that characterize most of his films (although there is a really unnecessary scene in a McDonald’s drive-through), and it actually takes itself fairly seriously, which is surprising coming from the guy who directed a film about two Miami cops who single-handedly invade Cuba.
It presents an account of what happened that night at the U.S. embassy and nearby CIA station as seen through the perspective of the security contractors stationed there, and it avoids politicizing the matter. There’s an annoying CIA chief strawman who refuses to let the contractors go in early to rescue the ambassador, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. The rest is a tense military action film, along with the expected jingoistic hero worship that these types of films have to include by law or something, though thankfully it’s not as bad here. Bay spends a decent amount of time setting up the location, the characters and the situation, before tits go inevitably up. The characters are fairly thin, their non-action scenes amounting to the usual dick-swinging soldier banter and some phone calls to their wholesome, attractive families back home, but the actors are good and convincing enough to make you care about them.
The action scenes are the reasons to see this, characterized by strong sound design and the aforementioned hardware porn that I admittedly enjoy, as well as some great shots, like the slo-motion one of a soldier surrounded by sparks. I also liked the atmosphere of the film, as the contractors slowly move through the ghostly streets of Benghazi, one of them remarking “It’s like we’re in a horror movie”, as some residents nearby are casually watching a soccer match while ignoring the gunfights outside their homes, as if it’s just another weekday evening.
The writing is pretty weak. It gets the needed information across, but the characterization is thin, the dialogue ranges from corny to boring, and there really isn’t enough plot to make this movie as long as it is.
Nontheless, it’s a solid action-thriller. I’ve defended Michael Bay for a long time now (mainly because he made “The Rock”, and I don’t see any other fucking director that made “The Rock”), but between this and 2013’s “Pain & Gain” he shows how much better he can be with smaller budgets and when not constrained by a plot involving giant robots punching each other and making racial wisecracks.
60. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping – Imagine “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”, but not as good, and you get a good idea of what “Popstar” is like. The humor was pretty hit-or-miss and definitely favored quantity over quality when it came to the jokes, as can be expected from a movie made by SNL alumni, but it kept me entertained and made me laugh enough to warrant a recommendation. Funniest bits were the TMZ parodies, Justin Timberlake, and the “Equal Rights” music video.
59. Midnight Special – I like Jeff Nichols as a filmmaker. It’s partly because Michael Shannon is in all of his films, and I’ll watch anything that man does at this point, but Nichols has shown himself to be a nuanced and compelling storyteller with an excellent command of both atmosphere and tone. It’s this skilled storytelling and another strong performance from Shannon that make Midnight Special worth watching, even if it’s all in service of a story that becomes pretty dumb by the time we find out what’s going on.
The basic plot is that of a father who runs away from a religious compound with his son and is soon hunted by a number of groups because of some mysterious power that his son possesses. The opening scene where they and a helping friend of the father hurriedly leave a motel room and drive away into the night is excellent and expertly sets up a low-key but involving sci-fi thriller tone. Unfortunately, the more the movie goes on, the more we find out what the son’s powers are and what his “purpose” is, and without spoiling anything, it lost me pretty quickly after the late-second act revelation. The strong cast led by Shannon and Nichols’ direction kept the movie compelling enough to get me to the finish line, but this is definitely a case of a screenplay being too ambitious for its own good.
58. Green Room – Punk rockers vs. neo-Nazis is a premise more fitting of a sillier movie, in my opinion. Writer/director Jeremy Saulnier (who made 2014’s underrated gem “Blue Ruin”) probably knew this, and subverts it by making “Green Room” as grim and unpleasant as he possibly could. Going off of a theme from “Blue Ruin”, the deaths in this movie are often bloody, realistically brutal, and purposely sudden and anticlimactic, simultaneously being a violent movie but also anti-violence. Saulnier’s technical aptitude and the talents of the cast are never in question, and the movie itself is quite gripping and well-paced. I don’t think “Green Room” is as good or thematically rich as “Blue Ruin”, and the ending is a bit of a letdown, but it’s still a well-made and clever genre flick, and if you enjoy feeling like shit and averting your eyes from the screen then it’s the movie for you.
57. Eye in the Sky – A government joint-operation to kill some high-ranking terrorists in Kenya via a drone strike is halted when a little local girl enters the kill-radius. The story is told from the perspective of a ground recon team trying to get her out, the drone pilots, and the military brass and government officials who argue about whether the strike is justified and should be carried out. It has a good setup and a pretty powerful climax, but drags quite a bit in the middle portion where those in charge of the operation keep referring up to their superiors to figure out if they can/should/will fire the missile. The cast, in particular the late, great Alan Rickman as a weary general, are good enough to get you through the duller bits of the movie, and it’s really nice to see Barkhad Abdi in a movie again. While it could have trimmed some of its excess fat, “Eye in the Sky” is a tense, compelling thriller, and a much more mature and responsible examination of the consequences of drone warfare than “London Has Fallen”, albeit much less entertaining.
56. Sully – You’ve got to give Clint Eastwood credit. For a guy in his mid 80’s, he sure is prolific these days, regularly cranking out solid movies every year or two. In retelling the events of the “Miracle on the Hudson” passenger plane water landing from a years beack “Sully” continues that tradition by being good. Not great, but good. Tom Hanks makes for a fine lead, Aaron Eckhart is decent as Hanks’ co-pilot and friend (albeit constantly overshadowed by his own glorious mustache), just about everything else is meh. The highlight of the movie is the water landing itself, shown 3 times at different points from the perspectives of an air traffic controller, the passengers, and finally the cockpit. These scenes are intense and pretty harrowing, dodgy CGI aside. The rest of the movie is either the lead-up to the flight, or the aftermath where Captain Sully deals with the mental trauma from the incident and contends with a federal investigative committee that easily wins the award for “Most Obvious Strawmen of the Year”. Whatever. The film is well-made and compelling enough. As I said before, it’s good. It’s the definition of a 7/10 movie. If you’re old, like the audience during my theater showing was, you’ll probably love it. Everyone else will probably just like it. If you’re expecting something along the lines of Eastwood’s “Unforgiven” or “Letters from Iwo Jima”, you’ll be disappointed, but if you just want a solid, likable movie, this won’t Sully your expectations…I’m sorry for that one.
55. Christine – An amazing, simultaneously magnetic but also hard-to-watch performance by Rebecca Hall as 1970’s reporter Christine Chubbuck, and a very raw portrayal of depression, but ultimately feels pointless as it says nothing about Chubbuck or her mental state, as if the film is keeping her at a distance when it should be holding us down face-first into what she was truly feeling, making the ordeal feel kind of exploitative, when you think about it. If you know her story, the scene you spend the whole movie anticipating is done excellently, however.
54. Certain Women – MINIMALISM. It’s either your type of thing or it isn’t. “Certain Women” is three loosely-connected stories about women who live in Montana, and it’s as grounded and un-flashy as a film can get without being a home movie. It’s one of those films that’s about normal people and their everyday problems, and makes it all seem profound. To me, it worked well for the most part. I was engaged by the nicely composed cinematography and the good performances. The three stories vary in quality. Laura Dern plays a small-town lawyer who gets caught up in a hostage situation, and this is the most straightforward of the three, but also quite engaging. Michelle Williams plays a mother who wants to build her dream home in the woods but faces ambivalence from everyone in her life, and hers is the weakest story, if only because it feels so short and anticlimactic (even by this movie’s standards).
The third story is surprisingly the best, with a ranch hand played by newcomer Lily Gladstone who forms a bond with a young law school graduate played by Kristen Stewart, and it’s an affecting and nuanced look at loneliness. Kelly Reichardt’s direction is modest and very low-key, but it’s empathetic and creates a good sense of atmosphere. This movie is also slower than watching paint dry at half-speed, lacks any overt drama and is very light on plot, so it’s one of those movies you’ll either completely love or won’t care for at all. I liked it, because I’m an edgy contrarian, and because I like a movie that gives its characters breathing room and trusts the audience to be smart enough to get their own thematic value out of it, so it’s worth your while if you’re not feeling too sleepy. Plus, there’s an adorable corgi in it, so automatic recommendation from me.
53. Manchester by the Sea – Reading the reviews and seeing all the award nominations, you’d think this mostly plotless exploration of grief is the desperately-needed salvation of cinema. When the credits rolled, however, all that hype ended up giving me was a resounding “Wait, that’s it?”.
The film is about a Boston janitor with a tragic past whose brother dies, and he goes back to his coastal New England hometown to handle his brother’s affairs and break the news to his son. As the janitor, Casey Affleck delivers one of the best portrayals of grief I’ve ever seen. Even before you know his story, his eyes and demeanor subtly hide an ocean of pain and heartbreak, and he pulls it off so naturally you often forget you’re watching an actor. Equally as good (and possibly better) is Michelle Williams, who plays his ex-wife. The filmmaking crime of the century is only putting her in the movie for like 5-10 minutes, where focusing more on her and Affleck’s relationship would have made the movie infinitely better, in my opinion. The guy who plays Affleck’s nephew is alright, given that his and Affleck’s relationship is the core of the movie, but nothing to write home about other than one really good breakdown scene. Everyone else ranges from “passable” to “clearly acting for the first time” to “distracting cameo from Matthew Broderick”.
I don’t wish to imply that the movie fails in any major way. I wasn’t a fan of how often the movie tried to be funny (“funny” in that New England way where characters swear a lot), and there is a glaring overuse of music, but it wasn’t a deal-breaker. I suppose that outside of a small handful of powerful scenes and moments, “Manchester by the Sea” felt like it was missing that emotional gut-punch it aimed for. It peaks halfway through in a flashback where we see what made Affleck’s character the way he is, and the movie only comes close to matching it during the last scene between Affleck and Williams. Don’t get me wrong; I understand the intention of making the film understated, so as to show a realistic depiction of grief, where people kind of just continue going about life and trying to not think about it. However, it goes a bit too far in this direction, to the point where I didn’t care for the mundanity of their lives and wanted some crying and goddamn emotion. This may be an over-simplification of how I feel, but basically, the movie is 10/10 when Affleck and Williams are onscreen together, an 8/10 when it’s just Affleck, and a 5/10 or a 6/10 when it’s any other combination of actors.
52. A Bigger Splash – Seems like it’s going to be a mature meditation on romance and desire until Ralph Fiennes shows up 5 minutes in, steals the entire fucking movie away from both the director and the rest of the cast, rubs his dick on the print, then sets it on fire while giggling to himself and dancing around naked. One of the best performances in a career filled with great performances. Movie goes downhill significantly in the last 30 or so minutes.
51. The Love Witch – Clever satire of gender dynamics as seen through the eyes of a love-addicted femme fatale witch. PERFECTLY nails the old-school Technicolor horror/sexploitation vibe. The art design, camerawork, hair/makeup, and even the way the actors behave is spot-on. Bravo to director Anna Biller and all involved as far as the technical aspects go. Story is at first detrimentally slow and the movie is far too long, but it picks up in the second half. Feels a bit too written, as if the characters occasionally stop being themselves and become mouthpieces for the writer/director.
50. Hardcore Henry – Let it not be said that there is no innovative filmmaking these days. Russian musician and music video director Ilya Naishuller was given a few million dollars to make a balls-to-the-wall action film filmed entirely from the first-person perspective of the main character. The most impressive thing about the stupidly-titled “Hardcore Henry” is how much mileage it manages to get out of its first-person gimmick, and how surprisingly well-made it is. Actual stunts are performed, effects are mostly practical (aside from a few bits of awful CGI), and you always feel like you’re in the body of the main character. The action scenes are fun and inventive, there’s a good deal of humor (I liked the bit with the overlapping subtitles), and Sharlto Copley gives a great performance as several incarnations of the same man with different personalities and looks. The plot is completely shit, and gets a bit too bogged down with exposition at times, but it’s never too intrusive. I suppose the biggest concern there is with this movie is if you can handle the filming technique, because the constant movement of the camera, especially during the action scenes, can give you motion sickness. I got a headache and a bit of nausea while watching it, but it could have been from the McDonald’s I had just before seeing it, so I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. I think that it works much better on a small screen instead of a movie theater either way, and even while on the verge of throwing up, I had a good deal of fun with “Hardcore Henry”. If you’ve ever used a VR headset while on meth, it should give you a good idea of the experience.
49. Hail, Caesar! – The Coen Brothers are my favorite filmmakers. So strong is their output that even their “bad” movies are good movies by any other standard. I don’t wish to imply that “Hail, Caesar!” is one of their “bad” ones, but it’s definitely on the lower end of their spectrum. The promotional material led me to believe that it would be a comic thriller about a 1950’s Hollywood fixer (a “problem solver” for studios) who teams up with a number of colorful showbiz people to rescue a kidnapped leading man. While the basic plot is there, the movie feels more like a leisurely series of vignettes about the colorful characters, loosely-connected by the fixer asking them for their help. It’s all amusing, colorful, and beautifully shot by eternal Oscars bridesmaid Roger Deakins, but it feels like it’s missing any sort of narrative thrust or stakes. The Coens don’t seem to be going for that sort of film, and it feels intentionally meandering and light, so the film is better if you go in expecting it. The writing is entertaining, but while the film is certainly hilarious in parts and never boring, some comedic bits feel stretched out for far too long (such as the scene with the religious leaders), which is unusual for the Coens.
The whole endeavor is less about plot and more about being a fun tribute-by-way-of-pisstake to Old Hollywood. It reminds me a bit of their earlier work “Barton Fink”, albeit broader, sillier, less existential, and much less cynical. We see old-fashioned editing rooms, grand movie sets, a wonderful musical number, Communism, etc. The Coen Brothers made a film that feels nostalgic towards a simpler era of filmmaking, while still acknowledging that even back then they made crap films. The biggest selling point in the movie is its’ all-star cast. I can’t remember the last time a movie had this many big-name actors attached to it. Sadly, due to the light nature of the story, a lot of them feel like glorified cameos, even if there isn’t a weak link among them. George Clooney is in top-form in the role of the kidnapped actor, the type of buffoon the Coens always seem to make him play. Channing Tatum is great as a tap-dancing musical star. Completely stealing the show is up-and-comer Aldren Ehrenreich, who plays a dopey but sweet cowboy actor, and who is so naturally funny, likable and charismatic here that I don’t have a single doubt about him becoming huge in the near future.
It just goes to show that even a lesser Coen Bros. film is still vastly better than the best work by most directors. While slow and kind of pointless overall, “Hail, Caesar!” is still a funny, gorgeous, and charming homage to the Hollywood Golden Age, one that rewards attention and repeated viewings, and welcomes them as well.
48. Finding Dory – Not on par with “WALL-E” or “Up”, but entertaining and nicely emotional. Feels like a welcome return to form for Pixar after so many years of disappointments. Bonus points for being the good kind of sequel, one that not only works on its own but actually adds new dimension to the original. Kind of disappointing, because before seeing the movie I was all ready to say “Finding Dory? More like FOUND IT BORING”. Nice message about family and taking care of a family member with special needs. Looking forward to “Finding Marlin”, where we see Marlin as an alcoholic going through a midlife crisis as he tries to singlehandedly raise a crippled son and his mentally handicapped friend.
47. Deadpool – One of my biggest pet peeves in movies is characters breaking the fourth-wall. I don’t mind a film being cheeky, but a movie occasionally pausing itself to acknowledge that it’s a movie annoys me to no end. I say this because “Deadpool” actually does fourth-wall breaking right, making it a key part of the humor and tone and story rather than an occasional “look at how clever and ironic we are” moment.
One would think because of this that “Deadpool” is just an endless series of self-referential jokes. It mostly is, but thankfully there’s an actual story, a bicycle for all the colorful tassels to hang on. Don’t get me wrong; the story is generic as hell. It’s still your typical superhero origin story, albeit one helped greatly by the nonlinear structure, alluding to Deadpool as an unreliable narrator. Also helping is a surprisingly engaging romance aspect, thanks to Ryan Reynolds’ and Morena Baccarin’s great chemistry and that the romance is a key part of the main character’s motivations (and that the girl feels like an actual character, not just a crowbarred-in love interest like almost every other comic book movie). One of the best scenes in the film is a montage of them “celebrating” various holidays.
Reynolds is perfectly cast as Wade Wilson, a role that his whole career since “Van Wilder” has been building towards. He effortlessly captures the character’s smarminess and gallows humor, but also makes him just likable enough to root for. Baccarin shows enough personality and comic timing that I certainly won’t mind seeing her having a bigger role in the sequel. The action sequences are the highlights. Tim Miller (in his directing debut) shows a clear aptitude for this, making the fight scenes bloody, funny, and visually creative, doing more with $60 million than most directors can do with $200 million.
Your enjoyment of “Deadpool” will come from whether you like its sense of humor. Given the sheer amount of jokes the film flings at the wall, a number of them are going to fall flat. However, to me a lot of them did land, and the movie is quite funny despite being a bit too in love with itself, and any comedy film that doesn’t give away its best jokes in the trailer (especially with a marketing campaign like this film had) is worthy of a recommendation in my eyes.
46. Blood Father – This is the best Liam Neeson movie that Liam Neeson never made. The action is tense and hard-hitting, the cast is good, and the movie is a very lean and efficient 88 minutes. However, there’s some distractingly bad editing at times, the plot is typical Liam Neeson fare (daughter is in trouble with criminals and seeks out her estranged ex-con dad to help out) and the dialogue is pretty wonky and overly reliant on swearing. Also, the girl is fairly annoying, but I suppose it suits her character so I won’t judge her too much for it. What makes the movie work is Mel Gibson’s performance. Looking increasingly like a shredded, captivity-era Saddam Hussein, Gibson is a volcano almost constantly on the verge of eruption. He plays a pissed-off man better than anyone, but he also showcases a good deal of humor and heart, able to convey more with his demeanor than most actors can with an entire monologue. Plus, watching him bite a guy’s ear off before head-butting him repeatedly is great fun. While Gibson is definitely better than the film’s B-movie material, he sells the hell out of it, elevating everything around him and making up for a lot of the movie’s flaws (you get the feeling it’d be much better if he directed it, as well). “Blood Father” is not quite the Mel Gibson renaissance-marking comeback I keep hoping for, but it’s good enough to recommend. Here’s hoping we don’t have to wait another few years to be reminded how great of an actor he is. Can’t quell the Mel.
45. The Brothers Grimsby (AKA Grimsby) - It’s been a while since we’ve gotten a comedy from Sacha Baron Cohen. His stuff other than “Borat” has gotten a mixed reception, but I’ve always felt that that as a comic he has excellent timing and creativity, and even when not doing his famous “interacting with real people while in character” routine, the guy knows how to put together a joke. In a comedy world filled increasingly with endless cameos and cringe-worthy improv humor, it’s relieving to see a comedian that can still write a solid gag and perform it well.
Cohen plays Nobby, a trashy but kind-hearted English football hooligan who lives in Grimsby, a town so squalid that on a sign it says that its sister city is Chernobyl. He’s spent decades searching for his long-lost younger brother Sebastian (played by Mark Strong), and upon finally finding him he discovers that Sebastian is a highly-trained secret agent who is involved in stopping an elaborate terror attack. Naturally, shenanigans ensue which results in the two brothers teaming together to save the world. The plot is basically “What if James Bond had a fuckup brother?”
Some of the humor is as gross-out as it can get, getting plenty of use out of genitals and bodily fluids (there’s one sequence involving elephants that I don’t think I’ll ever forget). Quite a bit of the humor is based around English class differences, which may go over the head of American audiences, but I quite enjoyed. And some is just tastelessness and over-the-top comedic violence. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but I found myself surprised at how much did. There’s a good deal of set-ups and payoffs to the jokes, which I found refreshing, like someone actually spent time to craft the comedy in this film. I’ll say that I laughed pretty often, and I was never less than amused. Strong and Cohen have excellent chemistry together, and the film is at its best when it focuses on the two and their exchanges, with Strong proving to be an excellent straight-man to Cohen’s ridiculousness. It even has a nice little subplot about the two brothers bonding and coming to terms with why they were initially separated that even pays off during the climax.
The movie is a little over 80-minutes and moves at such a fast pace that even if a certain gag doesn’t work, it quickly moves past it. The trade-off to this is that when a gag does work, it’s not given much time to play out. I full-heartedly believe that brevity is the soul of wit, and it’s not a huge issue, but I do wish some of the jokes had a bit of breathing space. Probably the movie’s biggest sin is completely wasting its supporting cast. Penelope Cruz, Isla Fisher, Rebel Wilson, and Ian McShane all feel like bit players who are there just for plot purposes. Maybe that was intentional, to play the film like a straight-faced James Bond film with Cohen there to single-handedly derail it, but why cast talented, well-known actors in such useless bit parts?
I still recommend the film for being genuinely, unapologetically funny, and while a lot of its jokes are in bad taste, they never feel mean-spirited or overly edgy. They come from Cohen’s desire to shock you into laughing, but it feels self-aware and innocent enough that you’re more amused and bewildered rather than offended. Still, if gags about AIDS, incest, bestiality, casual gun violence, lower-class scum, and things being shoved into asses don’t sit well with you, then “The Brothers Grimsby” is not the bland, PG-13, all-inclusive safe-space you want, you precious snowflake.
44. Operation Avalanche – Starts off slowly and ploddingly but before long, it overcomes its’ potentially-gimmicky premise and occasionally unconvincing façade to become a surprisingly engaging and creative foray into “historical” found-footage bolstered by writer/director/star Matt Johnson’s deft storytelling and clear passion for filmmaking, with an unexpectedly excellent car chase to boot.
43. Loving – Jeff Nichols’ “Loving” is an account of Richard and Mildred Loving, an interracial couple who were arrested and then exiled for being married in 1950’s Virginia, and whose case to return home eventually went all the way to the Supreme Court. Given the material and the convenient title, you’d think this was blatant Oscar-bait all the way through, but for the most part it’s not. Jeff Nichols’ empathetic direction and the strong, restrained performances by Joel Edgerton and Ruth Negga as the two leads make this film feel human instead of exploitative. Nichols makes an interesting choice to keep the movie very personal and focused on the couple, with the broader Civil Rights Movement only briefly mentioned. I actually liked this approach as it makes you feel the pain and struggle and love of the characters first, and then by extension see how damaging prejudices (both institutional and personal) can be to people.
The film doesn’t completely escape Oscar-bait trappings, however. It still has the comedy-actor-playing-a-dramatic-role in the form of Nick Kroll as the ACLU lawyer assigned to the Lovings. He’s not bad or anything, but he feels a bit distracting and the role doesn’t amount to much. The music is fine, but it still has those corny inspirational cues at moments of triumph and perseverance, places where I think silence would have been much more effective. My biggest complaint is that it’s a Jeff Nichols movie and Michael Shannon is only in it for one scene. It's an important and good one, but you really wish he’d be in the movie more or maybe that’s just me because I LOVE MICHAEL SHANNON, HOLY SHIT. I've come to the conclusion that the quality of a Jeff Nichols film is often in direct proportion to how much Michael Shannon is in it (seriously, go see "Take Shelter" if you haven't already).
The best part of “Loving” is the two leads, who share a quiet but powerful chemistry, both of them reserved people whose love for each other you can feel in the littlest gestures and who don’t need any obvious histrionics or even words to show their feelings to the audience. It’s the solid core that makes the movie good, elegantly guided by Jeff Nichols’ confident and mature direction, even if the rest of it isn’t all that remarkable. Not quite a “Loving” for me, but eaily a “Liking”.
42. Deepwater Horizon - I’ve liked Peter Berg as a director ever since his underrated action-comedy “The Rundown”, starring The Rock back when he was still billed as “The Rock”. He shows an aptitude for action, pacing, and getting good performances out of his actors, but lately, he’s had a really bad case of hero worship. This, “Patriot’s Day” and “Lone Survivor” all have a frankly fetishistic view of real-life bravery, all ending in a text commending the bravery of those involved and including the names of victims, etc. This always felt like a cheap trick to me, one meant to elicit tears and nods of approval from middle-aged audience members who don’t go to the movies that often, rather than properly characterize his heroes. He gets around this somewhat by casting good actors who are likable enough that we care for them in spite of the weak writing and schlocky sense of patriotism. It all just feels weirdly exploitative of the real-life tragedies that the films depict.
As for the movie itself, it’s quite good. It starts with the prerequisite buildup on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, showing negligence on the part of some of the management and the BP executives (read: strawmen), while showing the intelligence on display by the regular, blue-collar engineers and oil rig workers. I don’t deny that things were actually like this (truthfully, I don’t care enough to look it up), but it does feel pretty clichéd in movie form. Then the disaster hits, and there’s a solid 40-or-so minutes of the rig blowing up while the crew scramble to try to contain the situation and evacuate. This part is great. Berg’s technical skill is on full display, helping you follow the characters and what’s going on despite a lot of them speaking in mostly technical terms and the setting feeling like being trapped in a maze that’s on fire. It’s fantastically gripping, edge-of-your-seat stuff, helped by the theater-shaking sound design and convincing visual effects. The film ends with some tearful family reunions and heart-wrenching breakdowns when the survivors get back home. I’ll say that if I walked out of the film RIGHT after the screen faded to black, I would have a higher opinion about it.
If you like or at least don’t mind the hero-worship stuff, I’ll say that Deepwater Horizon is one of the year’s best-crafted thrillers, a disaster movie where the disaster actually feels scary and real as opposed to the dumb fun of something like “San Andreas”. I’m not against paying respects to the dead or to the bravery involved, but I think it should be done within the context of the film and the script, not forcing the audience to stay an extra five-minutes as some sort of memorial service that we paid money to attend.
41. Rams – This film is about a pair of Icelandic brothers who own neighboring sheep farms. They haven’t spoken to each other for 40 years due to implied but never explicitly-stated petty squabbles and stubborn jealousy, but are forced to work together to save their sheep when their flocks suffer from an outbreak of scrapie, a fatal degenerative disease that affects sheep and goats. This film is very affecting, low-key filmmaking, deftly handling heartbreaking drama, touching bonding, and even some surprisingly funny (albeit-bleak) comedy such as a scene where one character transports another to a hospital. It makes great use of the “show, don’t tell” filmmaking rule. Many scenes have little to no dialogue, but all serve a purpose in terms of plot or characterization or insight. The plot of sheep farmers trying to protect their flock may seem like a hard-to-relate-to storyline, but the film has universal themes of family and loss, and its observant and sympathetic storytelling makes the film accessible to anyone, even if they aren’t familiar with sheep mating procedures.
40. Kubo and the Two Strings - Laika has always been an overlooked animation studio, most known for making the wonderfully creepy “Coraline”, but finding little success in terms of box office even while their films are all quite good. Take “Kubo and the Two Strings”, a flawed but highly original and absolutely stunningly animated film that only managed to make a little over its production budget back, while “Zootopia” made over a billion dollars. Such is life.
The film itself is about a one-eyed boy named Kubo who is hunted by a vengeful demon and must team up with a magical monkey statue and a beetle-man to find some mystical MacGuffins that can help defeat it. It starts out very well, showing the boy’s daily routine of using his magic guitar and origami to tell stories to the local villagers. After shit goes inevitably down, it’s still quite compelling for a while, bringing a melancholy flavor to the boy’s journey and his interaction with his two companions. The problem is that the actual plot is pretty uninteresting, especially after the predictable late second-act plot twist, and while I can appreciate that the conflict resolution in the third act doesn’t just end by one character beating up another, the actual manner in which it’s resolved is pretty dumb.
The reason to see “Kubo and the Two Strings” is its gorgeous stop-motion animation. I had to smack my mouth a few times to remind myself that I wasn’t looking at high-quality CGI. It’s reassuring to learn that Laika is owned by the billionaire former CEO of Nike, so the studio isn’t exactly hurting for cash and can continue to focus on making their original and creative and beautiful movies without needing to dumb them down for most audiences, but it’s still a little depressing when good, accessible films fail to find their audience. While flawed (and nowhere near as good as “Coraline”), “Kubo and the Two Strings” is worth checking out if you love stop-motion animation as much as I do and you’re just waiting for the next Aardman film to come out.
39. April and the Extraordinary World - In an industry almost completely dominated by 3D CGI-animated films, it’s somewhat refreshing to come across a traditionally-animated 2D film. “April and the Extraordinary World” is a French film set in an alternate-history 1940’s where the world’s foremost scientists of the past several decades have gone missing, causing crucial technological innovation to not happen and for the world to continue relying on coal and eventually wood-burning steam power. In a world on the brink of war for resources, April is a young French woman whose parents are two of the missing scientists, and we follow her and her talking cat Darwin as they attempt to solve the mystery behind the disappearances.
I want to start off by mentioning the art style. The characters are the simple but expressive beady-eyed 2D people you’d expect from European animation, but the design of the bleak steampunk world and the technology is amazing. However, and this is what I really like about the film, while it shows how cool-looking steampunk technology can be, it also criticizes it for being completely retarded and impractical and damaging to both the environment and to people, cosplayers be damned (Europe is completely treeless and characters have to wear gas masks if they’re outdoors for too long). The characters (especially the talking cat) are spunky, entertaining, and even have their fair share of depth. The film carries a nice message about using science and optimism instead of violence and negativity to solve the world’s problems. This feels more like the film that “Tomorrowland” should have been, before it got Lindelof’d.
However, it does have kind of the same problem that “Tomorrowland” did, in that the third act gets pretty stupid. It’s certainly not as bad or as nonsensical as it was in that film, and while the plot twist and eventual revelation are actually built towards instead of just dumped on us, it does get rather silly and I sort of lost interest. Without spoiling too much, it does end up relying on that tiresome “in order to save humanity, we have to destroy it” sci-fi cliché that was dumb even back when “The Terminator” did it.
Still, on the whole, I was surprised by how much I liked “April and the Extraordinary World”. While it certainly loses some steam near the end (pun originally unintended), it’s still engaging and surprisingly entertaining enough for the duration of its running time to warrant a recommendation.
Note: If you can, see the French-dubbed version. The English voice actors are good, but the movie and lip-sync feel off by not being in their original language. For the record, this is the only time I’ll ever say that something (other than bread) is improved by being French.
38. Mascots – To me, a mark of a good comedy is if it makes me laugh a lot. By that criteria, Christopher Guest’s latest mockumentary about a professional mascot competition and its participants is a good comedy. There’s not much to say about this film if you’re familiar with Guest’s other improv-heavy comedy films, and structurally it’s very similar to “Best in Show”. It’s not as good as that gem, partly because it feels like a more manufactured scenario, a parody of a part of culture and a competition that doesn’t feel real in the first place (as opposed to the biting satire of the very real world of professional dog-shows), and partly because Fred Willard is only in this for like 5-10 minutes instead of 40-45. Guest regulars Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara’s absences are also felt.
Still, what I like about Guest’s style of comedy that I despise about the Judd Apatow/SNL style of improv is the timing. He knows how to edit his jokes and his characters to keep them funny, and he knows when to let a joke go, as opposed to letting it linger and rot. The fact that he doesn’t write screenplays or hold any rehearsals for himself and his cast pretty much means that he films them performing improv and leaves in whatever is funny. Despite the aforementioned absences, the cast here is still great (with standout performances by Parker Posey, Susan Yeagley, and the guy who fucks from “Silicon Valley”), the movie has plenty of laughs and a surprising amount of poignancy and sweetness, and some of the actual mascot routines in the latter half of the movie are both hilarious and even breathtaking, particularly one involving an expressionist modern-dance about feminism and art in an armadillo costume.
37. The Accountant - One of the most entertainingly uneven films I’ve seen in a long time, “The Accountant” tries to be a character study, a corporate thriller, an operator-style action film, a family drama, a quirky comedy, a PSA about autism, and it even flirts with being an odd-couple romance. It never really comes together in the traditional sense, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a blast watching it try.
The plot is about an autistic accountant who in his secret-life uncooks finances for some of the world’s most dangerous people, and how a seemingly simple assignment in auditing a robotics firm becomes dangerous and blah-blah-blah. This movie has far too much plot and little of it is worth caring about. Where it works surprisingly well is in the character study of the main character, Christian Wolff (who sounds like a name belonging to a character in a cheap erotic novel you can find in airport shops). You see his upbringing, the circumstances that led him to his current career, and his routines in trying to deal with life with high-functioning autism. I (cheekily) said from the start that Ben Affleck is perfect casting for an ass-kicking autist but he’s actually, genuinely, unironically good in a committed and fleshed-out performance that wouldn’t feel out of place in a more serious movie about adults with autism.
In trying to do the other aspects, however, the movie kind of falls apart. The first act is a mostly straightforward setup that you could be forgiven for thinking that it won’t even be a thriller. Wolff’s awkward bluntness around neuro-typicals is played for mild chuckles, because of course it is. Only at the end of it do we see that he’s a badass operator once he’s betrayed and people try to kill him. The second act where a government agent played by J.K. Simmons gives us a 10-minute exposition dump is pretty dull. There’s a hint of some romance between Wolff and a young accountant whose life he saved played by Anna Kendrick, but thankfully it’s never fully realized (“Gosh, I find your lack of social development and the way you cleanly killed the men who attacked me soooo sexy.”)
It’s only in the third act where he goes out to get the people who are after him where the movie becomes a wonderful nirvana of schlock, the “John Wick meets Rain Man” asploitation I hoped it would be. I’m not going to spoil too much, but it has the two funniest plot twists of any film this year, a solid 5 minutes where a caretaker at a home for autistic children gives a PSA about caring for people with disabilities, and a hilarious and completely unnecessary villainous monologue for the ages, courtesy of a paycheck-loving John Lithgow. My only complaint at that point were that there were no accounting-related one-liners in the film, including but not limited to:
- I just depreciated YOUR LIFE
- Don't write me off as a loss just yet
- They must be held accountable
- She's becoming a liability
- He's likes torturing people. He's accrual man
- A character named General Ledger
I don’t know. I chose a dull major, alright?
36. Moonlight – Clichéd dialogue and an annoying tendency to skip over some important/interesting events in the main character’s life, but empathetic performances, a great cast, and a good understanding and balance of the movie’s story and its’ theme of identity. I’m a bit of a tough nut to crack, emotionally speaking, so I feel like the subtle approach from this movie didn’t affect me as much as it did the many people who hail this film as the Second Coming of Christ.
35. Kill Zone 2 – Insane, jaw-dropping, balls-to-the-wall fight scenes that are too often hampered or outright interrupted by that silly and intrusive “plot” nonsense that unfortunately characterizes most post-Jackie Hong Kong kung-fu films. Still, any film that has Tony Jaa doing a flying double knee through a bus windshield and into the driver gets a recommendation from me.
34. Anthropoid – “War is not romantic”.
I’ve always held a soft spot for well-made genre films, and “Anthropoid”, a World War II thriller that, despite a title and poster that look like they belong to some sci-fi horror movie, is certainly that. “Anthropoid” is about a historical real-life mission by the Czech Resistance to assassinate a high-ranking Nazi official in occupied Prague. What I like about this movie is how solemn it is. None of the good guys are clear-eyed heroes who live happily ever after. These are anxious, grimly-professional saboteurs. Most of the resistance members question over whether killing one man is worth the possible consequences it would bring to the Czech people, while the two leads soldier on, determined to follow their orders. Cillian Murphy and the guy from “50 Shades of Grey” (Jamie Dornan) make for a likable pair of leads, and the characters feel human instead of movie-ish. Even during their romances with two local Prague women, it feels less like forced Hollywood trite and more like people trying to comfort each other in a hopelessly bleak environment.
The movie starts slow, but builds well to the more thrilling stuff. Interestingly (minor spoiler), the assassination attempt only occurs halfway through the movie, with the second half being the fallout and repercussions. A more generic movie would have ended with the assassination, before including text commending the bravery of the Czech Resistance and how their mission was successful, but “Anthropoid” instead shows and talks about the horrible things the Nazis did in retaliation, including killing thousands of Czech civilians, before showing what happens to the Resistance members involved in the assassination. I won’t ruin it, but the last half-hour of the movie is pretty devastating stuff.
There’s nothing particularly wrong with Anthropoid, as long as you don’t mind the slow build. It doesn’t really strive for greatness or deep meaning in any way. It’s just a well-made, well-acted, tense, bleak, and morally grey look at an important event in World War II and how it (and war in general) affects people. Bonus points for the cast actually making an effort to speak with Czech accents, instead of the usual historical non-British movie done entirely with British accents.
33. The Siege of Jadotville – Hey, speaking of solid genre flicks starring Jamie Dornan! I love a good war film, so when I heard that when Netflix produced one set during the Congo Crisis of the 1960’s, a refreshing change from the usual “popular” wars like WWII, ‘Nam, and Iraq/Afghanistan, my ears perked up. The plot is about an Irish company of UN peacekeepers who are sent to the tiny town of Jadotville in the resource-rich Congo during a period of upheaval and civil war. Murky politics and other UN operations in the area make things worse, and in retaliation the rebel government and French/Belgian mercenaries send a massive force to attack the isolated Irish troops.
There’s about 40 minutes of setup, in which we see the soldiers (led by Dornan), most of them still teenagers, at home before they get shipped off, we get a broad overview of the political climate in the Congo, including the coup leader and the UN representative sent to assist the central government (played by a shitty hairpiece with a Mark Strong attached to it), as well as the situation that led to tits going up for the peacekeepers. The remaining hour of the movie is the titular week-long siege, with the Irish defending a tactically disadvantaged position with limited food, ammo, and water against a very numerically superior enemy.
All of this is very well-crafted, with good pacing and editing, especially during the battle scenes, which are tense, harrowing, and filmed in a way that you actually get a solid idea of the geography of the siege. History, and even the movie at one point, both say that there were 150 UN troops at Jadotville, but it never seems like there's more than a few dozens of them. It's not a huge issue, but a little distracting.
The characters are pretty thin, with only a handful of the soldiers actually having names, and the writing is nothing special. It’s efficient in the sense that it gets the necessary information across and doesn’t intrude on the story, but it does have the usual clichés you see in a war film. The soldiers are portrayed as brave, noble, and heroic, while the UN leaders and generals are shown as callous, selfish, and incompetent. After some reading into the history, I found that this is not untrue, but it still feels like a conventional audience-pleasing dynamic. To the film’s credit however, it does a nice job of showing how morally grey the conflict was, without really claiming moral superiority for either side, but still makes you care for the UN soldiers at the heart of it. Even the trademark ending text is done tastefully and respectfully.
If you want a compelling, well-crafted war film and have a Netflix subscription, then “The Siege of Jadotville” is worth checking out. Between this and “Anthropoid”, Jamie Dornan has proven himself a capable (and wonderfully mustached) leading man, and in my eyes has done a good job getting his reputation back to “respectable” after “Fifty Shades of Grey” and...oh, there's two sequels to it coming out? Well, here's hoping for more good war films from the lad afterwards.
32. Doctor Strange – Same-old shit from Marvel, in terms of writing and story, but at least contains enough beautiful visuals and creativity to take away a good deal of the staleness. Bonus points for having a climax that is the exact opposite of a typical superhero destruction-fest.
31. The Magnificent Seven – At a film festival like TIFF, which is mainly meant for foreign, independent, arthouse films and prestige pictures, “The Magnificent Seven”, a remake of John Sturges’ 1960 original and an unapologetic, old-fashioned Western, stands out. As a genre-film aficionado, that appealed to me enough that I saw this movie even though it would come out in theaters a few weeks later.
And I’m glad I did. “The Magnificent Seven” is just plain, loud, over-the-top fun. If you see the trailer, the movie is exactly what you think it’ll be like. A woman seeks frontier justice against the power-hungry coal baron who terrorizes her town and murdered her husband, and pays a bounty hunter (Denzel Washington, who looks like he was born to play a cowboy in this movie) to go after him. He recruits 6 more outlaws, killers, and warriors to aid him in his quest to protect the honest townsfolk from the evil businessman and his army. Whiskey is drunk, guns are drawn, banter is exchanged, and lots of people get shot and blown up. Antoine Fuqua (an expert in making solid genre flicks) keeps the movie paced well, gives the characters breathing space to flesh out a bit, and makes the action loud, exciting, and well-filmed. No shaky-cam bullshit here, just good, efficient filmmaking with lots of nice Western vistas.
The cast is strong, especially Washington and Chris Pratt (who I worried would be out of place but acquits himself well here), along with solid supporting players. The writing is nothing special, but gets the job done, although there are some unfortunate missed opportunities at character development and payoffs, especially when it comes to Ethan Hawke’s (fabulously named) Goodnight Robicheaux, a former Confederate sharpshooter who hung up his guns. Also, a minor issue, but the film severely overplays how effective a mid-19th century gatling gun is.
There’s nothing altogether remarkable about this remake from a quality standpoint, but in a year filled with failed reboots and sequels and unremarkable superhero films, a good, solid personality-filled Western shoot-em-up about a multicultural team of badasses teaming up against the evil establishment is more than a welcome breath of fresh air.
30. Everybody Wants Some!! - Richard Linklater’s spiritual sequel to “Dazed and Confused” feels very much like a Richard Linklater film. There’s not much plot; it’s just about a college freshman baseball player and his team’s escapades over the weekend before the semester starts in the fall of 1980, as they hang out, go party, try to get laid, and attend their first practice. There’s no real structure to this film. It’s meandering in typical Linklater fashion, where the movie is more about the characters, the setting, and the dialogue. If you don’t mind this sort of thing, “Everybody Wants Some!!” is a very enjoyable movie. The characters and performances are on point, the banter is entertaining, the music is great (used especially well during a scene where the characters drive around town singing “Rapper’s Delight”) and even when Linklater waxes philosophical as he sometimes tends to, it feels less pretentious and more like the characters being themselves. When they talk about life, man, they’re often drunk or high or sleep-deprived, which feels like a nice bit of self-awareness from Linklataer. It even gets a bit inspirational at times, as the themes of finding out your identity and place in life and making the most of your short time on this Earth hits home surprisingly well. Funny, charming, and likable in every way that “Boyhood” wasn’t, “Everybody Wants Some!!” marks a welcome return to form for Richard Linklater, which is amazing considering it didn’t even take TWELVE YEARS to make.
29. Love & Friendship – Not being a big fan of hoity-toity costume dramas and having never read any of Jane Austen’s work, I really didn’t think this Austen adaptation would appeal to me. However, following the initial 10-15 minutes where my brain adjusted to the Regency-era English, I found that I really enjoyed this film. It’s a comedy of manners centered on a widowed socialite (played by the never-better Kate Beckinsale), a cunning and manipulative woman who is well-known as the best flirt in London, and her attempts to get her daughter married to a wealthy suitor as she herself juggles those in her social circles. I found myself loving the barbed interplay between well-written characters. The cast is uniformly excellent, with a strong performance by Beckinsale and a show-stealing turn from Tom Bennett as a wealthy but utterly gormless suitor, the kind of man who keeps talking even when he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and who is completely enchanted by the “tiny green balls” at dinner (peas). The whole movie is kind of plotless, with very little narrative drive and it feels like important character developments are often skimmed over (two characters have a pleasant conversation in one scene and are married like, 5 minutes later). The whole movie feels very light, albeit very watchable. Watch it for the excellent cast, the lovely sets and costumes, and for the genuinely hilarious writing, but don’t expect to be all that invested in what happens. The whole thing feels like a dinner party with much wittier and politer versions of your extended family, albeit just as catty and spiteful.
28. Captain America: Civil War - By now most people have acknowledged the problems with the Marvel Cinematic Universe. While most are solid superhero flicks, they all feel kind of safe and sterile, films marked-tested to appeal to as large an audience as possible. While this leaves less room for error, it also limits how good they can become. If all you want is good actors wearing ridiculous costumes punching each other and destroy expensive CGI environments while mumbling groan-worthy quips, the MCU has got you covered. Those of us who want them to approach something like Raimi’s Spider-Man films or Nolan’s first two Batman films are often left wanting. Sometimes it has gotten better than the norm. The first half of “Captain America: The First Avenger” was excellent before it became kind of a rushed mess in the second. Shane Black’s “Iron Man 3” felt like the only genuinely auteur-driven film in the whole MCU (if only because so much of the humor is based on what Black and Downey Jr. accomplished in “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”). “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” is still the high point of the MCU, a terrific and surprisingly character-driven action thriller that barely felt like a superhero flick. The point I’m laboriously trying to get to is that while “Civil War” for the most part takes itself seriously and actually approaches “Winter Soldier” levels of greatness, it can’t help but fall back on the lame, quippy, fanboy-masturbating sameness that has defined this cinematic universe since Joss Whedon first got involved with the franchise.
The plot is that a mysterious man frames Captain America’s friend Bucky for a terrorist attack, while Tony Stark feels guilty about collateral damage caused by the Avengers’ various battles and wants to sign some UN accord to make the Avengers government regulated, and tries to hunt Cap down when he goes rogue to try and protect Bucky. It’s pretty convoluted stuff if you’re not already caught up on the franchise, but not too difficult to follow. My main concern going into this film was that it’d be more of an “Avengers” film than a “Captain America” film. Cap’s films have a good track record, while the two Avengers movies are kinda crap. Thankfully, the heavy focus is on Cap and his efforts to protect Bucky from an increasingly hostile and angry Tony Stark. Despite what the marketing tries to say, the whole UN accord business feels minor at best, only there for a #WhoseSideAreYouOn hashtag to appease the autists who want their precious comic-book to be faithfully adapted. The story is surprisingly engaging, and while the aforementioned mysterious man is the real villain and does an effective job, the role of antagonist is actually filled really well by Iron Man. The characters are given enough room that pretty much everyone in the ensemble gets a moment to shine, the pacing is good, and (despite the Russo Brothers’ annoying use of shaky-cam and fast editing) the action scenes are solid and actually serve a purpose. It was almost a great “Captain America” film. And then Spider-Man shows up.
Spider-Man was added to this film halfway through filming due to Marvel striking a deal with Sony Pictures for the rights to the character, and his crowbarring into the movie is really obvious. There’s a whole half-hour of the movie that he’s in, where from introduction to the big punch-up at the airport to his exit, it feels like a completely different film, filled with the aforementioned light-hearted quippy humor that pretty much completely dissolves all tension, momentum, and conflict that movie had done a pretty good job building up to that point. It’s not bad in and of itself, but it feels like it suddenly became an “Avengers” movie, a big-budget re-enactment of a 10-year-old boy playing with his action figures. The only reason I don’t despise this part of the movie is because it at least has a few genuinely funny moments (most of them courtesy of Paul Rudd’s Ant-Man). The film recovers fairly well from this, and actually serves up a strong and pretty emotional climax that isn’t just wanton CGI destruction, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth, like I was bukkake’d by neo-nerd hipsters while sleeping and managed to clean myself off but the stains on my soul remained.
Look, I’ve said a bunch of negative (and some disgusting) things about this movie and the MCU in general, but “Civil War” is overall a good movie. The character work is strong, it’s occasionally funny, the cast is mostly terrific, and it’s definitely in the upper-echelon of this franchise. But the things that hold this series back (the sameness, the dull visuals, the lack of stakes, circlejerking, etc.) hold this movie back as well. Who knows? Once they’re done with this phase of the MCU, they can actually start to experiment and not just make the same kind of movie over and over, because let’s face it; people will come see these anyway. Hell, give me a She-Hulk movie directed by David Lynch, or a blaxploitation-style origin story about Nick Fury starring Michael Jai White, or a musical romantic-comedy about Squirrel Girl directed by George Miller. I don’t know. I’d rather see any of those than ANOTHER GODDAMN SPIDER-MAN REBOOT.
27. Train to Busan – Pretty much what you’d expect, plot and character-wise, from a zombie movie, but damned if South Korea doesn’t possess some of the finest film directors in the world, and Yeon Sang-Ho brings his A-game to revitalize an appropriately undead genre. Great cast, intense and creative set-pieces, and a nicely emotional focus on character. I’m not Korean, so I’m not sure if there’s any satire or message involved (the film does seem like a pretty accurate depiction of South Korea when StarCraft II servers go down). Somewhat dragged down by iffy CGI and the hair-pulling stupidity and dickheadedness of main human antagonist, who makes “The Walking Dead” Season 2-era Shane seem like a rational and believable fellow.
26. Fences – Little more than a filmed play, but a well-filmed one bolstered by good writing and knockout performances from Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. About 20 minutes too long.
25. Arrival - Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has been making quite the reputation for himself in recent years for his mature and well-crafted thrillers. While I find his movies just a touch overrated, I do admire a lot in them, from the technical craft to his ability to command strong performances out of all of his actors. This year’s “Arrival” continues that trend, marking his most mature film to date and one of the extremely rare mainstream hard science-fiction movies to come out these days. This is not a movie about laser battles and space explosions and sticking your tongue down the throats of hot human-looking alien babes (I’m excited for “Mass Effect: Andromeda”, alright?), but about communication.
Several banana-shaped alien spacecraft touch down at random points around the earth without any apparent motive or pattern, and countries around the globe bring experts together to try and communicate with them. The plot centers around linguistics professor Amy Adams, who is brought in by the military along with a physicist played by Jeremy Renner to head into the alien craft in America to try and set up communications with the aliens. It’s a neat perspective to see one of these alien contact movies from someone trying to understand them rather than fight them, and Amy Adams turns in another strong performance as a woman who is experiencing a personal crisis while being at the very center of a worldwide phenomenon. The rest of the cast is good too, but this is her movie to command, and she does so with ease.
While Villeneuve no longer has Roger Deakins as director of photography to rely on, he and his new DP Bradford Young make this a very strikingly beautiful movie, filled with bleak subdued colors but with an astonishing sense of scale. The scene where Amy Adams enters the alien craft for the first time is outstanding, with the camera work, lighting, and environment doing a genuinely amazing job conveying how…well, alien the ship feels. I also like the design of the aliens themselves (a sort-of cross between the facehuggers from “Alien” and the Reapers from “Mass Effect”), a refreshing change from the humanoid aliens you typically see in sci-fi.
The plot is surprisingly brainy, primarily concerned with the process of establishing of communication and later a very different perception of time and choice from how we typically perceive them. It’s not too difficult to wrap your head around this stuff, but you do have to pay attention, because this isn’t a movie that dumbs itself down or holds your hand.
As much as I admire and enjoyed the movie, I do have a criticism, and it’s that the whole thing feels…cold. I don’t just mean the color palette or the really strong air conditioning in the theater where I watched it. I mean emotionally cold. I’ve heard a lot of people praise how emotional the film is, but it didn’t really affect me all that much. Even the scenes with Amy Adams and her daughter, no matter how Malick-y they’re shot, felt mostly like salad dressing to try and make the audience connect with the main character. Even when you (no-spoiler) find out the plot significance of these scenes, I liked it much more on an intellectual level than on a gut-level. Also, and this part is hard to explain without spoilers, but there’s a love story that’s pretty crucial to the theoretical concepts later in the film that feels comically underdeveloped, like we’re supposed to believe these people fall in love despite working with each other for a few days and rarely talking about anything other than work (and because they’re attractive movie stars, of course). Plus, there are quite a few annoyingly clichéd characters, like the fear-mongering radio talk show host, the weary and no-nonsense military man, and a Chinese officer named General Shang who apparently rules the entire country of China without answering to anybody.
Despite these niggles, I still liked “Arrival” a lot. It attempts (and in my mind strongly succeeds) to present a realistic scenario of what alien contact would be like in today’s political and cultural climate, and again, it’s really refreshing to see a science-fiction film where science, communication and peace are used for conflict resolution as opposed to violence. It’s really ambitious on both a thematic level and a technical one (the special effects in this movie are some of the most seamless and believable I’ve ever seen), and even the problems I have with the writing don’t distract from Denis Villeneuve’s directorial talent. Here’s hoping he doesn’t screw up the new “Blade Runner”.
24. Shin Godzilla – Lacks the awe-inspiring visuals and sense of scale of Gareth Edwards’ “Godzilla” (which I forgive because this had like 1/10th the budget), but makes up for it with a richer story and sense of humanity. Whereas that film is about our powerlessness at the hands of giant monsters, this one is more about working together to overcome it. What begins as a bureaucratic farce eventually gives way to the Japanese government putting aside any squabbles and politics to focus on saving the lives of its citizens from a giant, rampaging lizard. It’s kind of inspiring to see a movie like this where a government tries to prevent destruction instead of causing it (with a not-so-subtle pisstake of the Americans, whose contribution to the efforts amounts to little more than bombing and almost nuking Tokyo). Plus, Godzilla himself is awesome here, looking and acting like a genuine monster, and pulled off with a nice mix of practical and digital effects (other than his initial form where he looks like a retarded CGI iguana with googly eyes). Kickass soundtrack, as well.
23. War on Everyone – “I’ve always wondered; if you hit a mime (with a car), does he make a sound?” Michael Peña’s character wonders out loud at the start of the movie, right before he and his partner (and driver) find out. Within one minute of the movie, you already know if it’s for you or not. “War on Everyone” is about two cops (Peña and Alexander Skarsgård) who are as corrupt as they come. They regularly blackmail and beat up suspects, take bribes, and drink on the job. They never really try to justify this behavior. Their attitude can be best summed up by a line Skarsgård says before getting into the driver’s seat of a car while piss-drunk; “Let’s go fuck some scumbags.” There’s some plot about their investigation into a robbery/murder orchestrated by the guy from those shitty “Divergent” movies who looks like discount-Toby Kebbell, but the plot feels like an afterthought. It’s more so about the two characters and their antics and their musings on life, greatly enlivened by the excellent performances and chemistry of the two leads, as well as the cracking, pitch-black funny script from writer/director John Michael McDonagh (who also made the fantastic Irish gems “Calvary” and “The Guard”). This feels like if McDonagh made a Shane Black film. It’s not a powerful meditation on faith and morality like “Calvary” and it’s not a great character-study like “The Guard”, but “War on Everyone” shows that even a lower-tier McDonagh film is still as hilarious and biting as they come, and it even comes with a bit of heart and soul. Still, definitely not recommended to the easily-offended. It feels kind of pointless, but I could listen to McDonagh characters talk shit to each other all day.
22. 10 Cloverfield Lane - I will try to be as spoiler-free as possible in this review. Honestly, if you STILL haven’t seen it and want to, just go watch it and know that it definitely comes recommended.
I’ll admit it; even though I wasn’t a huge fan of the shaky-cam monster-athon that was “Cloverfield”, the mysterious and vague trailer for “10 Cloverfield Lane” got me properly hyped up as I tried to figure out the connection between the two movies. In an unusual twist, most of the movie is only tangentially a work of science-fiction. The plot is about a young woman named Michelle who runs away from home as some vague disaster occurs. She’s knocked out, and wakes up in an underground survival shelter run by a paranoid survivalist named Howard, along with a young guy named Emmett. Howard says that there has been a massive attack, but Michelle is skeptical and is unsure if Howard is trustworthy or crazy.
The bulk of the film is in the bunker, as the trio try to cope with the various realities of living in a survival shelter, including each other. This entire section is excellent. Deftly alternating between lighthearted bonding, uncomfortable comedy, and pressure-cooker intensity, debut director Dan Trachtenberg shows he is an expert when it comes to tone, pacing, and atmosphere, further enlivened by Bear McCreary’s terrific score. Even better is the main trio of actors, all of whom play off of each other well and really flesh out their characters. The guy who plays Emmett displays a dopey likability that suits the character well, while Mary Elizabeth Winstead makes Michelle much more intelligent, tough and compelling than your average "horror" protagonist (I use that term broadly). Powerfully commanding the whole movie is John Goodman, who easily makes Howard sympathetic at times and genuinely terrifying at others. This is a brilliantly batshit performance by one of our very best character actors, and even if the rest of the production wasn’t up to par (which it definitely is), he alone would make this film worth watching.
The reason this movie isn’t higher on my list is because of the last 10-or-so minutes. Without going into detail (and the trailer gives this away anyway), Michelle leaves the bunker by the end. It’s like the entire film gets wrapped up and ends satisfyingly, but then it goes on for another 10 minutes that feels like a completely different movie with a whiplash-inducing change in tone. It’s all still skillfully made and well-acted, but the effect just feels bizarre if you’re watching it for the first time. At first I thought the sequence was there to connect it to the first “Cloverfield” and make it a semi-sequel, but it’s too vague for me to buy it.
Maybe it is all some continuous “Cloverfield” universe, or better yet, it’s an anthology film series in the vain of “The Twilight Zone” or “Black Mirror”, one where talented up-and-coming directors make unique sci-fi thrillers. If that’s the case, it’s best not to read too much into the ending, and to just try and accept the movie as a standalone despite the jarring tonal shift at the end. One thing I actually quite liked about the ending is that it satisfyingly concludes Michelle’s character arc, making her a surprisingly well-developed protagonist that has actually grown by the end. Maybe if I watch this again (and I do plan to), I’ll like it more and probably give it a higher spot on the list, but even on a first impression, “10 Cloverfield Lane” is an engaging and balls-tighteningly tense thriller with a top-notch cast and production working at the top of their game. John Goodman is so good, man.
21. London Has Fallen – Holy hell, where do I even begin? Rare is the movie where I honestly cannot tell if it’s trying to be a comedy or not. It has a serious post-9/11 depiction of terrorism, but it treats all the bad guys like cannon fodder to be disposed of in spectacular ways. It has some lines about the consequences of U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East, but these lines are throwaway at best and never brought up again. It tries to somewhat humanize its villains, but it also has Gerard Butler executing a wheel-chair bound terrorist before going on a tirade about how they’ll never win and that America will still be standing in a thousand years (not sure if the Third Reich comparison is intentional).
The action scenes are competently shot/staged, if unremarkable (despite a fun CGI-assisted long-take shootout). The script feels like it was either written in a weekend or improvised on the spot by Butler and company. In fact, I feel like this wasn’t originally written as a sequel to “Olympus Has Fallen”. None of the previous movie’s events are referenced, and all the recurring cast members (save for Butler and Aaron Eckhart) feel like glorified crowbarred-in cameos. It’s absurd to have a White House cabinet of Oscar winners/nominees and give them all a collective 5 minutes of screen-time. I’m pretty sure Oscar-winner Melissa Leo doesn’t even have any lines. I’m sure the paycheck was nice, at least. The first 15 minutes or so are fairly boring, even if things pick up considerably afterwards.
The one indisputable quality this movie has is Gerard Butler. Butler gives a genuinely jaw-dropping performance as bloodthirsty and very likely insane Secret Service agent Mike Banning (our hero, naturally). Mike Banning is the type of guy who reacts to getting shot in the shoulder and the birth of his child with roughly the same facial expression. Mike Banning is the type of guy who despite being very proficient with and usually having convenient access to firearms, frequently elects to brutally stab the bad guys numerous times with a combat knife. (“Was that really necessary?” President Aaron Eckhart asks after Banning slowly stabs a terrorist in the ribs to death while making his brother listen via walkie-talkie. “No”, Banning bluntly admits.) Even from the peaceful initial scenes of him accompanying the President on a jog or talking to his wife, you can tell something is very off about him. We as the audience are of course expecting/awaiting shit to hit the fan, but Butler is nearly trembling with anticipation to start murdering terrorists during these scenes. Butler makes almost every bit of dialogue sound like a badass one-liner, on one occasion offering the President a glass of water while saying “I don’t know about you, but I’m thirsty as fuck”, spewing the word “fuck” out of the side of his mouth like a shotgun blast. Even on the off-chance that the movie isn’t taking the piss, Butler most definitely is. I’m not being ironic when I say that this is one of the great comic performances of our time, and the success of the movie (for me) is due to the movie being centered around Butler and his hilariously absurd machoism.
The director of this movie is an Iranian who escaped his war-torn home to Sweden as a boy. This, coupled with Butler’s performance, Butler and Eckhart’s borderline-homoerotic bromance, the ridiculous one-liners and speeches, and an indefensibly heroic portrayal of drone-warfare, makes me feel like “London Has Fallen” is really one big satire of U.S. foreign policy subtly disguised as a stupid, offensive action movie, something conservative idiots will applaud, liberal idiots will condemn, and fun, smart, attractive people will appreciate and enjoy for what it is. I saw this and “Gods of Egypt” with a few friends as a sort of once-in-a-lifetime Gerard Butler double-feature, and I had a grand time.
I felt like I could smell this movie, and I like that. Watching “London Has Fallen” is like sex; You wouldn’t want someone walking in on you during, and you’ll probably want to take a shower afterwards, but once you get past the initial foreplay, it’s a great time from start to raucous, bloody finish.
Wow, that metaphor got gross in a hurry.
20. The Witch – I put off watching “The Witch” because every time in the past few years that people heralded the newest “great, modern horror film” (It Follows, The Babadook, etc.), I found them to be massively overrated and even a bit disappointing, even despite their good qualities. After finally seeing it, I can safely say that it’s definitely one of the best horror films in years (which isn’t saying much, but still).
The story is of an early 17th century Puritan family who get exiled from their village and set up a farm in an isolated area near the woods. Strange supernatural things start happening to them, and the movie becomes the gradual degradation of their mental states, as they start to blame and fight amongst each other, not unlike my beloved “The Thing”.
This is a very atmospheric, slow-burning kind of horror. The emphasis is on creeping dread rather than murdering attractive 20-something teenagers. For a first-time filmmaker, director Robert Eggers shows an excellent grasp of pacing, tone, and visual storytelling. Once you get used to the historical Ye Olde English manner in which the characters speak (subtitles are recommended), the writing is surprisingly quite good, with well-defined characters with clear conflicts and motivations. The acting ensemble is terrific. The whole movie is pretty much just two parents, a teenage daughter, an adolescent boy, and two young children, and they are all fantastic. Seriously, as someone who despises children (both in real life and in film), this is some of the best child-acting I’ve ever seen.
My problem with the movie is that (and this is kind of a spoiler, but it happens early in the film) I was hoping that it wouldn’t be clear whether or not the supernatural stuff is actually happening, or if the family is just losing their minds because of some clever metaphor or allegory. But no, it’s revealed pretty early on that it is actually supernatural stuff, which takes away some of the surprise and the suspense. The music is the kind of discordant “unnerving” string-heavy stuff you’d expect in a horror movie, and I often felt that silence would be much more effective during the scenes it’s used in. Also, without giving away anything, the ending is pretty silly. It wraps up the story and the character arc of the lead character (the teenage daughter), but the manner in which it does it felt kind of over-the-top. You know what, though? I honestly thought we would get some shitty, cop-out, cut-to-black ending 5 minutes earlier, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’ll take a retarded ending over a non-ending any day of the week.
“The Witch” is a horror movie for those who don’t like horror movies, and one that treats its audience with intelligence and respect, and (the last few minutes notwithstanding) is actually satisfying and builds well to its climax. As someone who doesn’t care much for horror movies, I would say that “The Witch” lives up to the hype, and is well-worth checking out. Also, best (and surprisingly similar) use of a goat since Sam Raimi’s “Drag Me to Hell”.
19. Nocturnal Animals – A problem a lot of movies have for me in particular is when they’re tonally or stylistically inconsistent, feeling like two separate movies at odds with each other. Tom Ford’s “Nocturnal Animals” is a rare example of a movie with strikingly different stories complementing each other and actually improving the end product. The film is about a LA art exhibitor played by Amy Adams, who has an unhappy personal life despite her successful professional life. One day, her long-estranged ex-husband sends her a copy of his upcoming novel, a violent thriller about a family man terrorized by hillbillies in West Texas. The movie cuts between the novel’s story, Adams’ current life, and her past relationship with the ex-husband.
Tom Ford showed with his debut “A Serious Man” that he was great at filming and telling a story about people in rich houses being sad, as he does here, but also displays an uncanny talent at filming a gritty desert-set revenge tale. The parallels between the real life story and the novel are very finely drawn, and while I found the novel sections much more gripping than the Amy Adams story, the seemingly-disparate styles and tones never clash and instead fit really well with each other, creating a movie that is more than the sum of its parts. For a fashion designer, it’s surprising how good of a writer and director Tom Ford is, and he shows that “A Single Man” wasn’t just beginner’s luck.
Also helping the movie is the fantastic cast. Jake Gyllenhaal gives one of his best performances as both the ex-husband and the protagonist of the novel story, and Amy Adams shows incredible nuance and subtlety, reminding us why she is one of the best actresses working today. Michael Shannon steals the show for me (yes, I love him and I’m biased, shut up) as a shady detective in the novel’s story. All the supporting players are great as well, even if their roles aren’t as meaty.
My main complaints are that the dialogue is sometimes silly, some of the supporting characters are pretty one-dimensional and cartoonish (Amy Adam’s current-day husband played by Armie Hammer is a distant businessman who has to go away to New York to “make that very important sale”), and that the editing is a little wonky and overdone at some minor points. I initially had mixed-feelings about the ending, feeling that it was a bit anticlimactic and expected more to happen, but after thinking about it and how it ties to the movie’s themes and character relationships, I like it a lot more in retrospect. Unlike the movie, I can’t think of a good way to wrap this review up, but I’ll say that “Nocturnal Animals” is engaging, unique, and worth checking out, so let’s move on.
18. The Wailing – Its imposing length and frustrating lack of resolution/clarity can be hard to overcome for some people, but this South Korean supernatural horror flick is (in terms of acting, writing, directing, pacing, editing, themes, and just plain scariness and dread) the best and most effective horror film in quite a while. Like a bloodier and more emotionally tormenting version of “The Witch”.
17. La La Land – Before some of you call for my beheading for placing “La La Land” this “low” on my list, let me begin by saying that I still enjoyed the damn thing. From a purely technical perspective, “La La Land” is hands-down one of the best films of the year. Damien Chazelle’s immaculate direction perfectly captures the nostalgic sense one gets from watching old Hollywood musicals. This, coupled with terrific musical numbers and game actors makes “La La Land” an easy movie to enjoy. The story, however, is where the movie is a bit shaky.
The plot is about a down-on-their-luck aspiring actress and jazz pianist who fall in love while pursuing their dreams, and struggle to deal with the reality of keeping their relationship together while their paths go in different directions. The movie goes for a contrast between a magical, cheery Hollywood musical and a more grounded, dramatic approach, but for most of the movie it doesn’t quite gel as well as one would hope. I loved the first half of the movie, where it’s an extravagant musical about aspiring artists, but halfway through, it kind of jarringly becomes a relationship drama, with hardly any musical numbers, and this part seriously drags. It’s only near the end where Emma Stone sings her big “Give me an Oscar, goddammit” number that I even remembered this movie was supposed to be a musical. It’s like the movie takes two different approaches to its material, whereas one middle-ground approach (keep the big musical bits throughout but make them gradually more dramatic) would have made the movie a lot better, in my opinion. It doesn’t help that the two lead characters just aren’t very interesting. Don’t get me wrong; Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling try their damnedest here, but it feels more like two likable actors playing parts instead of real people with flaws and humanity, a feeling exacerbated by them not even having that good a chemistry.
If you can put up with an uneven viewing experience long enough, the film rewards you with one of the best endings I’ve seen in years, one where the themes, motivations, and songs are meshed together in a perfectly bittersweet sequence that actually makes up for a lot of the film’s flaws, and the one point in the film where the aforementioned contrast between fantasy and reality is perfectly in sync with the filmmaking style. It’s here where it stops being a movie about struggling artists and becomes something grander; a film about following your dreams but realizing that life never really works out the way you intend. This and the opening single-take number are ones for the ages, and make the film worth watching all by themselves. To put it in a one-sentence review, “La La Land” is still a case of a movie musical being really good in the first half but fizzling out in the second (something which happened in every one I’ve ever seen besides the “South Park” movie), but at least it recovers well enough to leave a positive impression.
16. The Shallows – I’m as surprised as you that this “hot-girl-gets-attacked-by-shark” film is this high up on my list, but here we are. Blake Lively plays said hot girl, a medical student who travels to an isolated beach in Mexico as a sort of spiritual journey/tribute to her deceased mother, and before long gets shark’d and stranded a few hundred feet from shore on some rocks during low-tide. I thought this would be the sort of cheeky, “Piranha 3D”-esque exploitation flick, but “The Shallows” actually has enough confidence to take itself fairly seriously. The main character has intelligence and some depth and even an arc (as obvious as it may be), and she’s buoyed by Lively’s terrific and believable performance. The shark is intimidating and scary, even when it’s not onscreen. The film has a good sense of progression, gradually escalating the threat level before arriving at the admittedly over-the-top but highly entertaining finale. It has a scene of the main character performing surgery on herself, which for some morbid reason I’ve always enjoyed seeing in movies and shows. And to top it all off, there’s a seagull that befriends the main character as she’s stranded, played by an actual trained seagull whose reactions (and lack thereof) are hilarious and his role in the plot surprisingly affecting. This seems like a stupid thing to harp on about, but if there was an Oscar for Best Performance by an Animal, Sully the Seagull’s performance as Steven Seagull would easily take home the prize.
There are a few issues, like how the main character tends to speak too much to herself (i.e. the audience) about her situation, and while I didn’t hate the very end of the movie, I do wish the film had ended a minute or two earlier right when it had a perfect moment to do so, instead of going on with an epilogue. However, given the expectations I had going in, director Jaume Collet-Serra uses Blake Lively’s good looks and strong acting ability, the beautiful camerawork and setting, his storytelling skills, and an adorable seagull to blow those expectations completely out of the water (har-har).
15. The Handmaiden – Gorgeously filmed, lurid, and thoroughly entertaining Korean erotic thriller with strong performances, writing, and a wonderfully dark sense of humor (an attempted hanging scene yielded one of the year’s biggest laughs for me). Strikes a good balance between artful grace and trashy pulp.
14. Silence – Of the 2016 films in which an accented and deeply religious Andrew Garfield has his faith tested by horrific violence committed by the Japanese, I like “Hacksaw Ridge” more, but this is still a powerful and deeply personal look at faith from Martin Scorsese. A challenging movie, but rewarding if you put in the effort to understand it thematically. A bit overlong and repetitive in the middle portion (though this is probably intentional), and I feel like the movie would be better if Garfield and Adam Driver switched roles, but from the moment Liam Neeson comes back into the movie, it’s outstanding to the end.
13. The Dressmaker – In the early ‘50s, a bus rolls into a tiny, rural Australian town that looks like something out of a Western. Out steps Kate Winslet, accompanied by a Morricone-esque guitar and violin, immaculately dressed and carrying a sewing machine in her case, who proceeds to light up a cigarette and say “I’m back, you bastards.”
Two minutes in and you already know you’re in for a fun movie. Winslet plays a dressmaker who returns to her hometown after being banished as a child to care for her cantankerous mother (Judy Davis), and before long, dredges up a lot of bad blood among the townsfolk that hurt and humiliated her years ago. To say any more would be to spoil the wonderful weirdness that emanates from this film. “The Dressmaker” blends family melodrama, Western, comedy that ranges from the dark to the surreal to the slapstick, campiness, tragedy, romance, and revenge. It’s a mess, sure, but it struts along with such confidence in itself and its source material that all these seemingly disparate elements miraculously work together, for the most part. It helps that Winslet and Davis are so excellent that they deftly maneuver through all these tones and keep you engaged in what’s happening. It’s tough to say what kind of person I’d recommend this to, but I’ll say this; If you’ve always wanted an Australian Western version of “Twin Peaks” where the protagonist is a female couturier instead of a male gunslinger, then “The Dressmaker” will quench that extremely particular thirst.
A note on why I consider Kate Winslet to be one the best actors in the business: SHE IS A FOREIGN ACTOR THAT NAILS A PERFECT AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.
12. 20th Century Women – Mike Mills somewhat tones down the quirkiness from “Beginners”, but still delivers a personal, heartfelt, and funny portrayal of humanity, here subverting the typical coming-of-age story of his teenage boy self-insert protagonist by focusing the film on the women in his life and how their feminist strength and independence help shape him as he grows up. Fantastic performances from Annette Bening and Greta “Love of my Life” Gerwig.
11. Moana – Beautiful visuals, wonderful music, top-notch voice acting, and a compelling and even touching story. I was pleasantly surprised by how long the movie took to set up the characters and their relationships and individual personalities before diving into the adventure. Even the stuff I normally find annoying in Disney movies (needless action scenes, cute animal sidekicks, hip modern references) are toned down here. Maui (voiced by The Rock, who has more charisma than the ocean has water, and a nice singing voice to boot) is extremely entertaining, but Moana is surprisingly a compelling character herself, someone who has aspirations and flaws and a sense of agency, as opposed to the usual dull Disney heroines who unwillingly fall into their fate before falling in love with Prince Flawless McGeneric. Great, empowering message (especially for young girls) about forging your own path in life. A million bonus points for not giving Moana a forced love interest. Another million points for Jemaine Clement as a giant, singing crab. Best animated film of 2016 by a wide margin. Disney’s best non-Pixar movie since “Lilo & Stitch”. Probably my favorite Disney Princess movie. I don’t care what anyone says; “Moana” was fucking lit.
10. Eddie the Eagle – One thing I’ve noticed about myself lately is how sick I am of “irony”. Not in the dramatic sense, but in the “replacing sincerity and any genuine feeling with some detached sense of humor” sense. I think it was the inexplicable but somehow expected rise in popularity of a meme involving a dead gorilla that did it for me. But my point is, lately I’ve been finding myself watching movies otherwise labeled as “corny” or “cheesy” by jaded, cynical and emotionally detached people, who do so just because said movies believe in their own stories without shame or self-referential humor. Well, fuck those people. They can rot in hell along with their precious gorilla.
“Eddie the Eagle” is about Michael “Eddie” Edwards, a British skier who despite having very little experience and natural talent managed through sheer determination and willpower to accomplish his dream of competing in the 1988 Winter Olympics. Eddie comes from a working class family with a loving, supportive mother and a stern, disapproving father. Despite being a talented skier, he is rejected by Olympic board members due to his uncouth and dopey nature. He realizes that he still has a chance of making it onto the Olympic team as a ski-jumper, since the British have not competed in the sport in several decades, so he runs away to Europe to start training, where he meets an alcoholic former ski-jumper-turned-snow-groomer that helps him train.
This film has pretty much every inspirational sports cliché imaginable, from the plucky loser underdog, to the grumpy mentor, to the uplifting synthesizer music, to the late moments where the protagonist is at his lowest point and wants to give up, and so on. In many cases these would be negatives. However, the movie embraces these clichés instead of trying to shy away from them, and in doing so it feels so sincere and full of heart that it actually works. You acknowledge the unoriginality, but you find yourself rooting for Eddie to succeed so much that you just don’t care. Dexter Fletcher’s direction is spirited and full of energy, the aforementioned synth music by Matthew Margeson is wonderful, and the two lead performances by Taron Egerton as Eddie and Hugh Jackman as his mentor are excellent. The movie isn’t all that historically accurate. The real Eddie Edwards himself said that “only about 5%” of the film is true, and even the tagline is “Inspired by a dream come true”, rather than “Based on a true story”. But as a Huffington Post critic said, “You can't believe most of it, but you can believe in it. That's a subtle but important difference.”
But do you want to know why this movie is so high up on my list? So many movies over the years have been praised as “emotional” and “tear-jerking” and to me ended up feeling manipulative and artificial (*cough*Room*cough*). “Eddie the Eagle”, however, with all its sincerity and heart and feel-good splendor, touched me so much that I actually cried at the end. I can count the movies that made me genuinely cry on one hand, and this is the only one that has ever made me cry tears of joy instead of sadness. If the ending scene at the airport doesn’t melt your heart, then congratulations on not having one.
9. Hunt for the Wilderpeople - Due to my continual disappointment in my usual preferred genres of film in 2016, I started to branch out a bit and check out films I otherwise normally wouldn’t, one of which is New Zealand coming-of-age comedy drama “Hunt for the Wilderpeople”. The plot is about a young juvenile delinquent boy and his grumpy foster father who, due to odd circumstances, find themselves hunted by the law and escape to “the bush”, the vast New Zealand forests. We follow them as the two survive, get into various misadventures, and face off with an obsessed child services worker. To reveal any more would be to spoil this wonderful movie. Suffice it to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. Rarely do you encounter a movie that does adventure, buddy comedy, or tragic drama this well, let alone one that does all three, while at the same time showing interesting aspects of Kiwi culture and the beautiful landscape without feeling like a travelogue. The boy (Julian Dennison) starts off as annoying, but this is intentional rather than the fault of bad acting, and he not only grows on you but also shows a good deal of comic timing and emotional range. Sam Neill as the grumpy foster dad gives a career-best performance, showing the kind of depth I didn’t expect from someone who I think I’ve only ever seen in the “Jurassic Park” movies. Honestly, I recommend this film to pretty much anyone (that has access to subtitles). It’s funny, touching, creative, and lovely to look at. Between this and “What We Do in the Shadows”, writer/director Taika Waititi has given me just the slightest bit of hope that “Thor: Ragnarok” will actually be good.
8. Paterson – Wonderfully understated, warm, and compassionate ode to the passion and creativity found in everyday life, making even the smallest mundanities feel profound and moving. No story arc or big dramatic moments to speak of; just the story of a quiet but observant bus driver/poet and his seemingly unremarkable but, well, poetic life. The relationship between Adam Driver and his wife (Golshifteh Farahani) is one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen in a movie. Also; casting Adam Driver as a bus driver? Bravo, Jim Jarmusch.
7. The Nice Guys – I can’t believe I used to not care for Ryan Gosling. Granted, for the longest time the only movie I’d seen him in was “Drive”, and it’s hard to take someone seriously as an actor when all the role asks of someone is to stare silently for uncomfortably long periods and occasionally hit people. But nonetheless, in recent years the guy has done phenomenal work and completely won me over as an actor, culminating in Shane Black’s “The Nice Guys”, where he gives his best performance to date. He is shockingly funny and provides not only a lot of the laughs in this movie, but also a good deal of its heart. He’s gotten a lot of awards attention for his role in “La La Land”, but to me this is the highlight of his career so far.
Gosling plays an alcoholic, bumbling private detective and single father who teams up with the low-rent enforcer who broke his arm (Russell Crowe) to crack a major conspiracy involving a missing girl and a dead porn star. Tagging along for much of the mystery is Gosling’s teenage daughter, played by Angourie Rice in one of the best child performances I’ve ever seen in a movie (damning with faint praise, but still, give her credit), easily holding her own in scenes with Gosling and Crowe, despite a few awkward line deliveries. The three leads are great and have excellent chemistry with each other and with the strong supporting cast, helped along by Black’s hilarious dialogue, irreverent sense of humor, and his continuing growth as a director. I already harped on this in previous reviews, but it’s really refreshing to see a comedy that actually sets its jokes up before giving them a good payoff, especially one where some setups aren’t initially obvious (a seemingly throwaway story about Richard Nixon ended up giving me one of the biggest laughs of the year later on).
There’s kind of a lack of urgency to the mystery that makes the pacing a bit lethargic. I didn’t mind it much because the characters are so likable that you don’t mind spending time with them, but it’s worth mentioning. While there’s some character conflict and growth, I wish it tied into the plot a bit more. The lack of a clear antagonist for the first half of the movie also hurts. There are a lot of jokes and visual gags, and while most work, a few do fall flat. I feel like an extra rewrite and some tighter editing could fix most of these problems, and none of them are by any means a deal-breaker.
It feels weird to call this film “original”, since it’s more or less the same film Shane Black’s been making for the past 30 years, but in an increasingly bland world of mainstream filmmaking, it’s so refreshing to see a unique voice like Black do his own thing with a great cast and a solid budget. It’s a damn shame that a film which should’ve led to some sequels instead just barely made its’ production budget back. Put it another way; if you complain about a lack of originality in Hollywood but still paid money to see the latest superhero flick instead of “The Nice Guys”, please dip your head into a bucket of wet cement until the bubbles stop.
6. Hacksaw Ridge – I’m willing to go on record and say that “Hacksaw Ridge” is probably the most violent movie I’ve ever seen (at least the most violent since the last Mel Gibson movie). Considering this, only Mad Mel can make such an insanely violent film while also telling a moving story about one man’s faith and adherence to pacifism. The story is about Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector and pacifist who wanted to serve his country as a combat medic, and whose extraordinary rescue of over 70 soldiers during the Battle of Okinawa became the stuff of legend and earned him a Medal of Honor.
The movie has kind of a typical biopic structure, showing his early years as a troublesome lad who finds meaning in life with Christianity, to his young adult days where he tries to romance his impossibly attractive later-wife, before moving to the boot camp scenes where he’s persecuted by others for his refusal to pick up a gun, and finally to the war scenes. The transition between corny but solid, old-fashioned melodrama (or MEL-odrama) and the incredible, surreal, horrific war stuff may sound jarring, but in a very smart move, Gibson opens the film with a slow-motion montage of combat with a narration from Doss. This seems kind of clichéd, but it sets your mind up to expect the stuff you’ll see later, while at the same time taking away none of the impact.
Contrary to what some may think about the film and of Gibson going in, it’s not one of those shitty “Christians are good, others suck” films that do remarkably well in the southern states. The subject of the film is deeply religious and the film has its fair share of unsubtle Christ-like imagery, sure, but not only does it not beat you over the head with it, it even feels earned after seeing what Doss is put through. Plus, if anything, it’s less about the strength of faith and more about sticking to your convictions even when the whole world tests you. Plus, it’s refreshing for a war movie to heroically portray a man who saved lives instead of taking them.
Despite being away from the director’s chair for a decade, Gibson has lost none of his storytelling prowess or his penchant for striking imagery. The period and technical detail is fantastic (during one scene where you see through the scope of a Japanese sniper rifle, the film even got the scope right). Despite having to fill the late, great James Horner’s (who couldn’t do the film due to his unfortunate death in 2015) shoes, Rupert Gregson-Williams surprisingly turns in one of the strongest musical scores of the year. The mostly-Australian cast is excellent, with Andrew Garfield giving a career-best performance as Doss (at this point, I forgive him for “The Amazing Spiderman 2”), as well as strong supporting turns from Vince Vaughn as the funny/tough drill sergeant, and especially from Hugo Weaving as Doss’s PTSD-ridden WWI veteran father. Weaving genuinely looks like a man who died in the trenches in France but whose body still returned home, turning to booze and anger to make him forget the trauma he experienced.
I would say that Hacksaw Ridge has all the makings of a great film but is slightly held back by some story choices. The film kind of ends shortly after Doss’s heroic exploits with some standard biopic text and interviews from his real-life former comrades. It’s fine, but I think it would have had more impact to first show Doss returning home and reuniting with his wife and family, considering how prominent the theme of family was in the film. Also, there is one scene late in the movie involving Japanese officers, which I won’t spoil, but it feels forced and EXTREMELY unnecessary (I guess Gibson just has a thing for beheadings).
Still, considering how good this film is overall and how well it’s being received, I’m happy to report that Mel Gibson is no longer persona non-grata in Hollywood, and that I absolutely look forward to whatever he’s making next. Welcome back, Mel. We missed you.
Note: Something I thought of after watching “Hacksaw Ridge”; Mel Gibson could totally direct a “Mad Max” film.
5. Hell or High Water - On an early Texas morning, a two men rob a pair of branches of the Texas Midlands Bank. While not without a few hiccups, the robberies go smoothly. The two men are siblings; calm and smart divorced father Toby (Chris Pine), and his loose-cannon ex-con brother Tanner (Ben Foster). They are trying to raise enough money to save their family farm by paying off the foreclosing bank with its own stolen money, while being hunted down by Texas Rangers Marcus and Alberto (Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham), the former close to retirement. There are still a number of branches they need to rob in order to raise the needed amount. What ensues is one of the most mature and intelligent thrillers I’ve seen in a long time.
There is no black or white. Just two sides of the law. We understand both sides, and the motivation of each man. While the robbery scenes are thrilling and gritty, the movie actually shows a tremendous level of restraint. The pacing is deliberately slow, but the film is so well-made and well-written and so confident in itself that it never becomes boring, and it builds exceptionally well to its grip-you-by-the-balls climax. The movie spends a lot of time with the characters talking, with dialogue that feels both realistic and entertaining. The extremely underrated TV show "Justified" has instilled in me a joy in hearing Southern people talk shit to each other, and the movie doesn't let me down in that regard. The rural, neo-Western setting is wonderfully atmospheric and does a good job conveying how tough life can be in such a place (with a noteworthy supporting performance from Katy Mixon as a waitress who refuses to give back a large tip of stolen money to the Rangers).
Even though his character is pretty much a less alcoholic and more down-to-earth version of his Rooster Cogburn from the Coens’ “True Grit”, Bridges still impresses with a soulful and highly entertaining performance. Similarly, while Ben Foster feels a bit typecast as the “wild man” brother, he still knocks it out of the park with his confidence and screen presence. The biggest surprise is Chris Pine, tuning down his smirky charm and turning in his best performance to date as a man whose cool-headedness masks his desperation.
If I had to think of a flaw, it's that the film has a slightly-annoying over-reliance on licensed country songs in the first half of the movie...really, that's all I can think of. The slow pacing might be a turnoff for some people (some extremely thick people who very likely have ADHD and are virgins), but it pays off so well that I can't even consider it a problem for anyone with a three-digit IQ. If you are tired of action movies or thrillers being dumb, this is the movie for you. If you are tired of smart movies being dull, this is the movie for you. "Hell or High Water" is a diamond in the rough that is 2016, and deserves your attention.
4. Elle – I saw this movie solely because Paul Verhoeven directed a sizable portion of my childhood (Robocop, Total Recall, and Starship Troopers), and he has enough goodwill based on that alone that I’ll check out anything he makes. While his European films are noticeably different from his American action classics, one thing that hasn’t faltered is his skill as a director and unique voice in telling provocative stories. “Elle” certainly has one hell of an opening. A wealthy middle-aged woman named Michèle is attacked and raped in her home in France. After the intruder leaves, Michèle calmly collects herself, cleans herself and her home, and goes to work the next day as if nothing is wrong. The rest of the movie is about her conducting her own investigation into finding out who attacked her as we learn about her feelings and why she doesn’t notify the police, as well as her complicated relationships with her friends, neighbors and family.
I can definitely see a lot of people getting offended by this movie’s depiction of rape and its consequences on the main character, but considering how complex and unpredictable human beings can be, this is one of the most bracing, raw and honest depictions of the subject I’ve ever seen. Put it simply, this isn’t your typical rape-revenge film. The excellent writing and Verhoeven’s strong command of the material and his cast elevates it beyond what I thought possible. The characters are very well-defined, with all their own quirks and needs and insecurities, and despite how uncomfortable the film can be, it’s also surprisingly very funny in how it presents them and their relationships with each other, especially during a fantastic Christmas dinner scene where all the characters and their animosities come together. There is a lot of gossiping, resentment, passive-aggressiveness and cuckoldry on display (it’s a French movie, so no surprise there). The film is certainly lurid, but everything from the story and performances to the themes and subtext is done so well that you can’t stop watching. At no moment during its two-and-a-half-hour running time was I bored.
“Elle” is a film I wouldn’t recommend to everyone due to its’ length and subject matter, but thanks to the strong writing, Paul Verhoeven’s confident direction, and a stunning lead performance from Isabelle Huppert, this a bold, gripping, and surprisingly entertaining film that is absolutely worth going out of your way to see if you can stomach it. Plus, there’s a really cute cat.
With that out of the way; please come back to America and make another gory, over-the-top action film, Mr. Verhoeven. Hollywood needs you more than you need it.
3. Sing Street – An Irish lad from a broken home in 1985 Dublin gets transferred to a rough, inner-city school. Soon he meets a mysterious girl hanging around outside the school, and in an effort to impress her, asks her to be a model in a music video for his non-existent band.
What follows is a coming-of-age story about artistic expression and love where the boy gathers anyone that can play an instrument (including the funniest part of the movie where they try to recruit “probably the only black guy in Dublin”), starts making music and videos, and slowly starts bonding with the girl. It’s tough to make a movie set in 20th century Ireland feel optimistic, but writer/director John Carney deftly maneuvers between comedy and drama, makes the film simultaneously fantastic yet grounded, making the story of falling in love and following one’s dreams feel believable and easy to root for.
From the tagline “Boy meets girl. Girl unimpressed. Boy starts band”, you can probably guess the general progression of the plot. This, coupled with the fact that I don’t like coming-of-age stories, or musicals, or Irish people*, means that this film was facing an uphill battle from me. Imagine how goddamn good this film must be that it’s number 3 on my list this year. A cynic would say that it doesn’t face much competition from an unremarkable year for film like 2016, but “Sing Street” is a wonderful ode to the power of music and young love that would be great in any year, and I defy you to watch it without a smile on your face. Basically, if you possess a heart, a soul, a dream, a love for music, or a pulse, I cannot recommend “Sing Street” enough.
*kidding. I love you, you pale, swear-y, chip-shop bombing drunkards.
2. Star Trek Beyond – After a strong start to a reboot of the storied franchise with 2009’s “Star Trek”, the series took a nosedive with “Star Trek Into Darkness”, the woefully misguided attempt to make the series dark and gritty. Because of this and the new director being Justin Lin, a man who has made four (well, three and a cameo) films about Vin Diesel sleepily growling about family in between scenes of supercars performing Cirque du Soleil acts, I wasn’t all too excited for the new entry, even though it’d be written by talented comic actor and well-known nerd Simon Pegg. Who would have thought that Pegg and Lin would have been the ones that saved not only 2016 from being a shit year for blockbusters, but also the soul of the “Star Trek” franchise?
The plot is about Kirk and the Enterprise crew getting stranded on a remote world after being attacked by a mysterious warlord while investigating a missing ship. It’s a slick and self-contained adventure, making it feel like a long and big-budget episode of the series in the best possible way. I don’t want to imply that this is the “Star Trek” of yore. It’s still a big, over-the-top space action film. But it has something that the previous two films (especially Into Darkness) lacked; spirit. The spirit of discovery, of exploration, of optimism. That despite the dangers in the galaxy, any problem can be overcome as long as all the species work together. Most importantly, it has an emphasis on character, actually slowing down at times to let them breathe and talk and joke with each other (y’know, like they’re people or something, and not just plot-devices). There’s a wonderful little scene at the start where Kirk and Bones share a drink to toast Kirk’s deceased father, and the tributes to the gone-but-not-forgotten Leonard Nimoy and Anton Yelchin were beautifully done.
It’s remarkable how well Lin and Pegg capture this “Star Trek” spirit while still making an exciting, blockbuster action film. Lin brings his A-game to the action scenes, making them fun, creative, and natural as a story progression. You always understand why the action is happening, as opposed to a random fight being thrown in for its own sake. There’s a certain scene later in the film where a ship has to take on a swarm of smaller enemies with a familiar musical cue, and I cannot remember the last time I ever felt so much hype and childish glee in a movie scene.
I guess the villain is the same generic normal-guy-who-was-betrayed-and-wants revenge that the past two films had, but between the still-excellent cast (newcomer Sofia Boutella steals the show as an alien warrior/scavenger that Scotty meets), a strong soundtrack, awesome visuals, a fun story, involving action scenes, and that warm “Star Trek” feel to it, “Star Trek Beyond” feels like a jolt to the heart of a series that was in danger of becoming lost to soulless, studio-driven blockbuster territory. Assuming there’s more to this series of films, I cannot wait to see where the franchise boldly goes from here.
1. Free Fire – This is the most fun I’ve had in a theater since “Mad Max: Fury Road”. I wasn’t a huge fan of Ben Wheatley’s previous films, but among the material I didn’t really care for, I saw an undeniable talent in his work. Here, it’s like he used his powers to make a movie precisely for me.
The film is about an arms deal that takes place in a warehouse between two groups of criminals that quickly gets out of hand after shots are fired in the exchange. The remaining 70 minutes of this 90-minute long movie is basically one really long shootout as everyone picks sides, betray each other, and get increasingly wounded while rarely ceasing their shit-talking. Think “Reservoir Dogs” as a comedy of miscommunication. In an amazing feat of filmmaking, Wheatley makes sure that this lengthy shootout set mostly in one large room isn’t boring for a second. His smart, gradual escalation of events punctuated with a number of “holy shit” moments and set pieces, held together by excellent editing, keeps the film exciting and darkly funny throughout. In between the big moments, characters take pause to hurl expletives at each other and ponder their own situation as they desperately try to get out of it, adding up to people you care about and are interested in even if they’re all dicks. This is a brilliant example of how important pacing and characterization is to a film, especially to one with so little plot.
Also helping is the hilarious banter, delivered by a wonderful and colorful cast of characters played by a small but absolutely stellar cast. Everyone is great and play their characters perfectly, with a standout performance by Sharlto Copley as an unhinged, self-absorbed arms dealer who causes much of the conflict in the film. I knew I’d love him as soon as a character says “Vernon was misdiagnosed as a child genius and never got over it.” I also want to mention the sound design, which is some of the best in recent memory, with every bullet fired feeling like a loud jolt to one’s system. The writing is highly enjoyable on a superficial level, and even carries a bit of depth with the shootout being a clever allegory for human nature and just generally what happens when idiots own guns.
“Free Fire” is by far the best movie I saw this year, and when it gets a theatrical release, I implore you to go see it. The only complaints I can think of are that the ending is just alright, and after a certain point you start to wonder where some of the characters keep getting their ammo from. Time will tell if this film stands up to repeated viewings, but this was easily the funniest, craziest, and most entertaining film I’ve seen all year. Yes, my favorite movie of 2016 is a 2017 movie in which characters argue and shoot each other in a dirty warehouse for 90 minutes. Cinema isn’t dead yet.
The “30 and Still Living in Parents’ Basement” Award for Biggest Disappointment
Nominees:
· Jack Reacher: Never Go Back
· Jason Bourne
· Passengers
· Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
· Warcraft
Runner-up:
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Winner:
Passengers
The “Clever Marketing” Award for Best Tagline
Nominees:
· Elvis & Nixon – “On December 21st, 1970, two of America's greatest recording artists met for the first time.”
· Free Fire – “All guns. No control.”
· London Has Fallen – “Prepare for bloody hell”
· The Dressmaker – “Revenge is back in fashion”
Runner-up:
The Dressmaker
Winner:
Elvis & Nixon
The “Postcore Avantwave” Award for Best Film Score
Nominees:
· Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane
· Justin Hurwitz – La La Land
· Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana
· Matthew Margeson – Eddie the Eagle
· Michael Giacchino – Star Trek Beyond
· Rupert Gregson-Williams – Hacksaw Ridge
· Shirō Sagisu – Shin Godzilla
Runner-up:
Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana
Winner:
Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane
The "I'm Glad We Decided to Keep It" Award for Best Child Performance
Nominees:
· Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys
· Auli'i Cravalho - Moana
· Ferdia Walsh-Peelo – Sing Street
· Harvey Scrimshaw - The Witch
· Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople
· Kim Su-an – Train to Busan
· Lucas Jade Zumann – 20th Century Women
Runner-up:
Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Winner:
Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys
The “If Only the Rest of the Movie Was This Good” Award for Best Scene
Nominees:
· Athens riot – Jason Bourne
· Beach drowning – Silence
· Captain America and Winter Soldier vs. Iron Man – Captain America: Civil War
· Car chase – Operation Avalanche
· Christmas dinner party – Elle
· Climactic robbery/shootout/getaway – Hell or High Water
· Desmond’s rescues – Hacksaw Ridge
· “Drive It Like You Stole It” – Sing Street
· Epilogue – La La Land
· Entering the ship – Arrival
· “How Far I’ll Go” – Moana
· Police station – Manchester by the Sea
· Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond
· The un-destruction of Hong Kong – Doctor Strange
· The 90-meter jump – Eddie the Eagle
· Quicksilver and the exploding mansion – X-Men: Apocalypse
· Warehouse rescue - Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Runner-up:
Police station – Manchester by the Sea
Winner:
Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond
The “Pig in Lipstick” Award for Prettiest Movie
Nominees:
· A Bigger Splash
· Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
· Doctor Strange
· Hail Caesar!
· Kubo and the Two Strings
· La La Land
· Moana
· The Handmaiden
· The Love Witch
Runner-up:
The Handmaiden
Winner:
Kubo and the Two Strings
The “Premium Meth” Award for Best Chemistry
Nominees:
· Adam Driver and Golshifteh Farahani - Paterson
· Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea
· Chris Pine and Ben Foster – Hell or High Water
· Gerard Butler and his knife – London Has Fallen
· Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham – Hell or High Water
· Michael Peña and Alexander Skarsgård – War on Everyone
· Ruth Negga and Joel Edgerton – Loving
· Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe – The Nice Guys
· Ryan Reynolds and Morena Baccarin – Deadpool
· Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong – The Brothers Grimsby
Runner-up:
Michael Peña and Alexander Skarsgård – War on Everyone
Winner:
Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea
The “Healed Broken Bone” Award for Best Cast
Nominees:
· 20th Century Women
· Captain America: Civil War
· Everybody Wants Some!!
· Fences
· Free Fire
· Hail, Caesar!
· Love & Friendship
· Sing Street
· Star Trek Beyond
· The Magnificent Seven
Runner-up:
Sing Street
Winner:
Free Fire
The “Convincingly Faked Orgasm” Award for Best Performance
Honorable Mentions:
· Andrew Garfield – Hacksaw Ridge
· Ben Foster – Hell or High Water
· Blake Lively – The Shallows
· Chris Pine – Hell or High Water
· Emma Stone – La La Land
· Hugo Weaving – Hacksaw Ridge
· Joe Alwyn – Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk
· Joel Edgerton – Loving
· Judy Davis – The Dressmaker
· Kate Beckinsale – Love & Friendship
· Kate Winslet – The Dressmaker
· Kwak Do-won – The Wailing
· Mahershala Ali - Moonlight
· Ruth Negga – Loving
· Sam Neill – Hunt for the Wilderpeople
· Viggo Mortensen – Captain Fantastic
· Woody Harrelson – The Edge of Seventeen
Nominees:
· Adam Driver – Paterson
· Alden Ehrenreich – Hail, Caesar!
· Annette Bening – 20th Century Women
· Casey Affleck – Manchester by the Sea
· Denzel Washington – Fences
· Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen
· Greta Gerwig – 20th Century Women
· Isabelle Huppert - Elle
· Jeff Bridges – Hell or High Water
· John Goodman – 10 Cloverfield Lane
· Michael Shannon – Nocturnal Animals
· Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea
· Ralph Fiennes – A Bigger Splash
· Rebecca Hall – Christine
· Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys
· Ryan Reynolds – Deadpool
· Sharlto Copley – Free Fire
· Tom Bennett – Love & Friendship
· Viola Davis – Fences
Runner-up:
Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen
Winner:
Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys
In regards to my final award:
The whole “Fuck 2016” thing has been done to death, albeit not undeservingly, so this’ll be my only word on the matter. A lot of us had a rough year, dealing with political strife, global conflict, environmental issues, personal problems, celebrity deaths, “Suicide Squad”, etc. Even in film, 2016 has felt like a bit of a downer, with many films I was looking forward to letting me down. However, there have been quite a few gems, especially in the latter half of the year, and a good number of these are off the beaten path, ones I actively searched for to find and ones I gave a shot even if they’re the type of thing I wouldn’t normally see.
My point is, we have to make an effort to get the good out of life. You can still find some gems while wading through a river of shit (which you’re going to wade through anyway), and I’m not just talking about movies. Try something you normally wouldn’t. Try to pick up a new hobby. Make some personal time for yourself, even if you’re swamped with work or school. Start exercising if you don’t already (hell, try yoga). Don’t just accept that life is shit; do something to make it less shit. Always strive to better yourself, because while there’s no such thing as perfection (unless you’re Michael Shannon), it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t reach for it.
The mere fact that you’re reading this means that you’re actively trying to de-pleb yourself, or maybe it’s because you love me or maybe I just make you laugh sometimes. In any case, thank you for reading this year-in-review. As it has been for the past two years, writing this was fun and therapeutic. I wish you all luck in seeking happiness (and good taste in film, like mine), and for those of you who have a bad day somewhere on that journey, film is always there for you, including the following films which can cheer one up even on the rainiest days.
The “Ancient Indian Burial Ground” Award for Film Most Likely to Raise Your Spirits
Nominees:
Eddie the Eagle
Sing Street
Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Everybody Wants Some!!
Moana
Runner-up:
Sing Street
Winner:
Eddie the Eagle
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Captain America: Civil War live watch commentary
I watched Captain America: Civil War, and this is my super long commentary, began halfway through the movie and ending with my conclusions after I finished it. It took my like 3.5 hours to watch this dumb movie because I kept stopping it, rewinding (Jeremy Renner can’t speak, I swear, several of his lines I could not understand at all), and occasionally yelling at my TV, in addition to typing up bits of commentary.
My commentary began at the moment with Vision and Clint join Steve, Sam, and Bucky, and Scott Lang is hauled out of a car with no explanation for how he got here or why he’s joining Team Cap. Then I add blank lines every time I skip ahead in my viewing. So... my extensive thoughts are below.
Halfway through this movie--which is trying to do way too many things at once, making it seem bloated, crowded, and disjointed at times, with weird moments where the pace just drags because too much is going on and I don’t know why it matters or which parts matter the most--and Steve just pissed me off. At this point, Tony is only trying to capture and "bring in" Steve, Sam, and Bucky in order to prevent the government from killing them. Presumably, once Tony brings them in, he is hoping he can sort out the fallout to keep everyone alive and as free as possible but he is really trying to capture Steve to protect him from government agents who are likely to shoot first and ask questions never. Meanwhile, Steve is dragging everyone down his rabbit hole (and none of these other characters--Sam, Sharon, Wanda, Clint, and Ant-man--have any clear motives other than "help Captain America" because the writing here is really shitty). Steve is willing to ruin all of these people's lives for the sake of his own stubbornness, his own integrity (in refusing to give up his "right to choose"), and his desire to protect Bucky. Now, don't get me wrong, I totally feel for Bucky and want to protect him too. But the right call is to give themselves up to Tony and work together to find a solution, not risk ruining all of these other people's lives or getting all of your sidekicks killed. Especially since, as far as I can tell, Steve has no long-term plan beyond "evade capture." So what exactly is he gonna do here?
And I really hate that Steve, Mr. "We'll do it together and if necessary we'll lose together" from Age of Ultron, has become such a selfish loner here (well, loner except for Sam and Bucky). Yes, I said selfish. He doesn't care about Scott Lang, who he just met, or any of his back-up "troops." He didn't care if his actions had negative consequences for Tony or Natasha either, which they clearly did (they may have signed the accords, but Steve going rogue puts them under greater scrutiny. The government will tighten their leash on the remaining Avengers and that is entirely Steve's fault). Steve puts his integrity above all else, which seems noble except that it hurts everyone around him. But the only person he seems to care about is Bucky.
His initial decision not to sign the accords came at Peggy's funeral too, which shows this is a decision made out of grief and in a moment of emotion, not out of rational thought and good judgment.
Like, man, Steve, I like you a lot, but you need to stop and grieve (I think it’s significant that earlier we saw Tony admit to not handling his grief over his parents. That was a clue that “how we handle, or avoid handling, grief” is a theme in this movie), and then once you’ve grieved a bit, stop and think. And for once, stop being so naive and look at the world as it is, not as you wish it to be. Your idealism is wonderful, but your unwillingness to face reality and compromise where you can (as Peggy told Sharon) is dangerous. I really do think the accords are a case where you can compromise, and Bucky's life is a case where you can't. And if you had compromised on the first issue, then you would be in a position of strength to be able to stand up on the second issue without compromising.
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Oh, wait, Steve's plan is to stop the other winter soldiers?! Damn this movie is trying to do too many things at once and the writers suck at making it easy to keep track of all the things the movie thinks it's doing. Plus sucking at establishing character goals and motives. But okay, so Steve's plan is less selfish. It's "protect Bucky" and save the world from winter soldiers. Except, again, turning yourselves in to Tony and explaining everything right now would be a better way to do that. Because, again, figuring it out together makes more sense.
And none of these other characters seem to care about "saving the world." It's all "Captain America is the best and we will do whatever he says." Lame character development for everyone.
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Tony: "I'm trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers apart!"
God, Tony is in so much pain here! He's lost Pepper and now he's losing all he has left. He's trying to protect them all and keep them safe and together in an imperfect world. And Cap is being an idiot.
Steve: "You did that when you signed."
Cap, you jackass. Signing the accords didn't have to tear the Avengers apart. As Nat said, and as Tony later reiterated, if you had stuck together you could have shaped the accords and changed them to make them workable. And even if you feel like Tony signing was a betrayal (which is pretty sketchy), Tony didn't start this mess. He made the choice to sign when backed into a corner. You all had to make a choice and you were all backed in to a corner. But you're the man who was advocating the "right to choose" so It's hypocritical to condemn someone for choosing.
Also, I miss Age of Ultron’s "we do it together” Steve. Here, Steve is a vigilante in exactly the same way Tony was when he went off to create Ultron on his own when he knew the others wouldn't approve. Except in that case, Steve condemned Tony's reckless vigilantism, but here it's okay because it's Steve's decision and the vigilantism is to try to protect Bucky when no one else would approve. Steve really does come off like a hypocrite in this movie
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WTF?! When you start throwing multiple cars at your former teammate, you lose all moral high ground. That could *kill* Tony, but clearly Wanda does not care. And this comes moments after Rhodey points out that he is trying not to hurt Cap. Clearly one side in this battle cares more about incapacitating without permanent harm than the other. Also, I'm back to hating Wanda because she is a spoiled little girl (her "you put me in my room" comment is an exaggeration and also...she has killed civilians in every movie she's been in! Lagos was basically here fault. She does not get the moral high ground ever. I'm more willing to give Bucky the benefit of the doubt than Wanda at this point, and if I’m going to say that one of them is a dangerous criminal...yeah, I think I’ll go with Wanda being the one who should be in prison).
Side note, though: Tom Holland's Peter Parker is an absolute delight in this trainwreck of a movie.
Also, RDJ was acting his heart out in his convo with Cap.
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Steve, how did you know that dropping that giant plane boarding ramp on Peter wouldn't kill him? That was a dick move. Good thing Spiderling is super strong.
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Tony (while ant man is running around in his suit and mocking Tony): “who’s speaking?”
Scott Lang: “It's your conscience. We don't talk a lot these days.”
F*ck You, you dumb-ass ant-dude! And f*ck you, marvel and writers for that fucking awful betrayal of Tony Stark's character. That joke proves that these awful writers don't know the first thing about Tony, who has been doing nothing but listening to his conscience and trying to make amends for the pain he's caused for the past 6 movies. So seriously, fuck you, marvel, and you just made me hate ant-man in my first five minutes of knowing him.
Marvel sucks at making jokes that are inappropriate for the tone of the film or trying to “lighten up” serious moments with bad humor that comes across wrong. But this makes some of the insensitive jokes in Thor Raganrok look like high class humor.
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Clint: “I don’t think we’ve been introduced. I'm Clint.”
T'Challa: “I don't care.”
Lol. Me neither, T'Challa. That line is pretty much me through big parts of this movie. Also, that is pretty much my entire reaction to Clint Barton in every Avengers movie.
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Tony when he sees Peter go down.. omg, he cares more about Peter than Steve does about any of his previous teammates. RDJ looked utterly stricken and panicked. His “you’re done, kid,” is clearly out of concern and fear. He never wanted to drag anyone else into this. Steve is ruining lives here, and he hasn’t shown much concern for that. But Tony is utterly devastated when, for a moment, he thinks he’s gotten this poor kid injured or killed. And there’s no way he’s putting Peter more at risk than he has to.
---
Sam's "that's a first" when Tony admits he was wrong is awful. I mean, Sam doesn't know Tony well, so it's understandable that he would think that way. But Tony never hesitates to admit he made a mistake. That's one of the most admirable things about him.
Also, if we hadn't spent most of this movie chasing after Steve as he runs off the reservation, we would have had time to investigate and find out that Bucky was framed earlier. It turns out, it only took Tony a few minutes of investigating, so if he hadn’t been so busy trying to put out Cap’s fires and apprehend Cap to ensure he doesn’t get hurt/killed, then Tony could have figured out Bucky’s innocence earlier! Then this whole mess wouldn’t have happened. Steve could have told Tony what he knew after he turned himself in. Then Tony, being Tony, would investigate (because he’s never one to leave things alone and he loves breaking into SHIELD/government intelligence databases to find more intel). And then the team could have worked together to figure out what to do about the other super soldiers and how to protect Bucky. See how much smarter that would have been, Steve!
---
So Zemo killed the other winter soldiers. So Steve's mission was totally pointless then. Good to know. *rolls eyes*
This whole plot is much ado about nothing. The plot is basically a series of stupid actions designed solely to tear the Avengers apart by making them all act as stupid as possible (edit: well, I guess that is Zemo’s goal. It almost feels like an attempt to lampshade bad writing, though, like the writers realized how all of these events didn’t make any sense except as the writers’ attempt to tear the Avengers apart, so they invented a villain to act as a stand in for themselves. Basically, I’m saying that Zemo is the writers/the Russo brothers).
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Steve does betray his own values and integrity. He was all about the team and doing everything together. And he betrayed that and destroyed the team. He believed that teammates shouldn't keep secrets, but he kept secrets from Tony. Steve betrayed his own values and that is why he can no longer be Cap. He really isn’t worth of the shield right now.
---
T'Calla: “Vengeance has consumed you. It is consuming them. I am done letting it consume me.”
T'Calla is the best of them all. I love him.
It might be kind of sad to say, but T’Challa and Peter Parker are the only good things to come out of this movie.
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Martin Freeman as Everett Ross is a delight. We should have more of Martin Freeman taunting villains. Also, his American accent is better than Benedict Cumberbatch’s (Tom Hollond’s American accent is also bloody amazing).
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Awww...Tony and Rhodey. These two are so perfect. It feels like real brotherhood and friendship, and Tony needs that. Plus, Rhodey admitting that this sucks but he won’t let it change him...*melts*. I want to hug them both. Also, you can see how much Tony adores Rhodey and is glad he’s alive and is crushed that this happened to him. So much emotion in RDJ’s eyes there. More A+ acting from him.
---
Steve’s ending monologues is...nice, I guess. He acknowledges that he hurt Tony and that he still cares for him. And he did kind of clean up his own mess by breaking everyone out of prison (because, again, he ruined these people’s lives for his own selfish reasons, so he better take steps to try to make it right...or at least, not as wrong).
I’m torn on his acknowledgement that he was selfish to keep the knowledge of Howard’s and Maria’s deaths from Tony. He admits it was selfish to do so, and he was only protecting himself. And he’s sorry he hurt Tony. But he doesn’t actually say he was wrong. Tony, despite his reputation, never hesitates to admit he is wrong (see, earlier in this movie, “Ultron...my fault” and “I was wrong” to Sam about five minutes after Tony learned Bucky had been framed. See also, “My fault, I’m a piping hot mess” to Pepper in IM3. Or in IM1: “making weapons was wrong, so we’re going to go straight to a press conference to put a stop to arms manufacturing and admit publicly that what I’ve been doing with my company is wrong. No, don’t go to the hospital. Press conference, now. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, do not hesitate...well, stop for a cheeseburger. Then press conference.”). Tony is always willing to immediately take responsibility and admit when he is wrong. Steve does not. Yes, admitting you are wrong is hard, but in this, Tony is a better hero and better role model than Steve.
Steve clearly still cares for Tony. He doesn’t want him to be alone, and he admits that the Avengers were more Tony’s family than Steve’s. But that feels a bit like a slap, considering Steve has torn the Avengers apart when Tony said he was trying to do the exact opposite. So for Steve to say that family is important and “We need family”... that’s a bit painful right now, and it rings a bit hollow.
On the other hand, I appreciate Steve’s acknowledgement that this situation was a mess and everyone was doing what they thought was right. Steve says, “I wish we agreed on the Accords, I really do. I know you're doing what you believe in, and that's all any of us can do. That's all any of us should.” And that’s...lovely and true and honest, and it feels like it’s true to the values that Steve embodies...even if I don’t think he has been true to those values through much of this movie.
---
Conclusions...
So...I’m done. That was exhausting and awful.
T’Challa and Peter Parker are amazing. RDJ’s acting was incredible...he looks exhausted and tormented and viscerally in pain through most of the movie.
But most of the movie was a total mess.
I do see that both Steve and Tony have a point. I agree that, in the beginning, when this was just about the accords, there was no “right” and “wrong.” They both had valid perspectives that were essentially correct. Oversight and accountability are important, and Tony has known that ever since Iron Man 1. The Avengers cannot be vigilantes who are above the law and above the consequences of their actions. But it is equally true that government oversight is open to much corruption, that they would be open to the manipulation of people with changing agendas, and that it might very well limit their ability to do good, or force them into situations where they would be ordered to do something bad. These are all valid concerns and fears, and they are issues that should be addressed. They are not unfounded fears, given what we know of SHIELD and of Secretary Ross. Oversight is both necessary and dangerous.
But as things go on... it becomes clear that Steve is incapable of admitting when he is wrong (Tony, given time, would have probably admitted he was wrong to blame Bucky for his parents death too, but that whole scene was relentless and left Tony no time to breathe, let alone think). Steve makes his decision not to sign the accords in a moment of grief while at a funeral...never a good time to make rational and important decisions. He’s acting on emotion. He does the same when Bucky shows up. If he had made different decisions, this whole mess likely would have been contained and not blown up in their faces. And then he drags other people into his mess, with no concern for how many lives he puts in danger or potentially ruins. He has the excuse that he is trying to save the world and stop the super soldiers...but really that’s an excuse. Steve is really trying to protect Bucky and protect his own integrity by sticking to his guns and proving that he is better off as a vigilante than if he had signed the accords (that why he wants to handle things his way, and why he wants to save the world from the super soldiers instead of telling Tony about it...at least, that’s the only motive we can infer based on the bad writing).
Tony, for most of the movie, is trying to do what he thinks is right, too. But most of the time that means he is playing ball with the government just enough to not get in trouble and to protect the other avengers, with the full knowledge that he plans to use any good faith he establishes with Ross as a way to leverage his position and modify the accords later. He’s playing it practical and smart, if a bit sneaky. And most of the time, he is trying to save Steve because he’s terrified that Ross’s people will shoot him on sight. Yes, Tony should have listened to Steve’s claims that Bucky was innocent, because he was, but Steve didn’t give Tony much opportunity to take this seriously or to investigate it because Steve didn’t trust Tony enough to tell him everything he knew. Tony also didn’t think that the government oversight people would go as far as they did. That moment at the end when he walks into the prison is chilling. I get why people would see this as evidence that Tony was wrong about the accords. It is certainly Steve’s worst fears about the accords come to life. But it didn’t have to be this way. Tony had no way of knowing it would go that far. And the only reason it did go that far is that Steve kept making things worse (as Natasha said) until he had created a mess that Tony couldn’t sweep up for him (I get the feeling that Tony has been cleaning up the Avengers messes by paying for things they destroy, etc. I’m basing this off the beginning when Steve seems to expect that Tony will show up at the compound to help them deal with the aftermath of Lagos, and then he’s surprised when Tony shows up with Ross. Like he’s used to Tony just handling any PR disasters by throwing money at them and sweet-talking people).
Tony’s real mistake is giving into his sudden, passionate desire for vengeance at the end...but that’s a mistake shared by many other characters, and one which T’Challa makes for most of the movie before he realizes that vengeance is not the way. Tony probably would have come around to that realization himself if he’d been given the time. But he wasn’t.
I like Steve, well enough. He means well. He has a good heart, and he wants to do the right thing. He’s incredibly loyal to Bucky (and I really quite like Bucky!). But I really wish Steve was half as loyal to the Avengers and to Tony. I just feel like Steve wasn’t true to his own values here, certainly not to his faith in teamwork, togetherness, honesty, etc. He’s sometimes stupid and naive, and sometimes a hypocrite.
It’s Peggy’s advice, delivered by Sharon at Peggy’s funeral, that I think Steve misinterprets. She said, "Compromise where you can. Where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, 'No, you move'." And that’s...good advice. I just think that Steve misinterpreted when he should compromise and when he should stand his ground. Stand your ground for Bucky. Fight for him and his innocence. But don’t hide behind a stubborn desire to be right about the accords, when everyone already agrees that the accords are an imperfect solution to a messy problem. No one said they were 100% right. Just that they were likely necessary. There’s room for compromise there. That’s not the hill you should die on...or kill the Avengers on.
Steve misinterpreted when to compromise and when not to. And that misinterpretation is the “missing of the mark” (the Greek hamartia) that causes the tragedy. Steve loses everything except for Sam and Bucky. Tony loses everyone except for Rhodey (and he gains Peter, I guess). Rhodey loses his legs. A bunch of other people are now fugitives and criminals. A lot of lives were ruined. All of this because Steve made some bad decisions with good motives, but in a moment of emotion. Tony also made a bad decision (to try to kill Bucky) in a moment of emotion at the end, and it left him beaten and battered. You could argue that he was too quick to sign the accords out of emotion and guilt too, but at least he had a practical plan for how they would cope with those accords and adjust them later. If only the Avengers had stayed together to fight that battle together...as Steve once claimed they should face everything together.
So yeah.. a frustrating movie. I can see both sides. But I’m still Team Iron Man. With much sympathy for Bucky, and understanding that Steve meant well.
But this movie was just soooo long. Too much going on. Not all of it well-written or well-fleshed out. Zemo is almost an afterthought to excuse the bad writing. It’s not self-aware enough to recognize or acknowledge Cap’s naivete and hypocrisy...or the bad jokes. So... a pretty typical marvel movie in the hit-and-miss writing department.
#f@ck you marvel#marvel movies always feel like they have so much potential#but the marvel writers are shit#khent's marvel discussions#khent's media commentary#tony stark is a piping hot mess and the superhero i need#team cap or team iron man...or team this movie is dumb
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