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workingforthewidow · 10 months

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What is up bitches and hoes. Ya girl is back. And by back I mean my cat brain was able to hyper fixate on something long enough to write for it. Also I’m in my ‘final girl’ ‘slasher fucker’ era. So be prepared for some fucked up shit. I am unhinged and hot for men that wear masks and kill people and people that just kill people in general. So onto the show. This is my first time writing and posting in forever so plz be nice lol

18+

Pairings: Otis Driftwood X Stockholm syndrome!reader (darling is in so deep there’s no coming back). Reader X platonic Firefly family.

She/her pronouns for reader. I tried to keep descriptions to a minimum, did mention pulling readers hair a lot but I mean i pull my husbands hair a lot and he has short hair so yeah.

Warnings: as stated reader is in deep for Otis like so much Stockholm syndrome going on. Slight smut. I think like 1 single use of Daddy in a power play way. Reference to non-con. This is Otis we are talking about so he can be a warning himself. But also OOC Otis. His mood swings will give you whiplash. Blood. Lots of blood. Killing people. Guns used in a sexual way. Knives. If there’s any major i missed please let me know! But yeah- don’t like it don’t read it.

Word count: 4,245

God i am so feral for this man.

Also a big THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU to the person who inspired me to write again go check out their work if you haven’t: @lovely-cryptid

Ugh i am so nervous to post this but imma do it! Link to part 2

She sometimes wondered if her family even knew she was missing or that she had even left. The whole reason she was out on that lonely road was her attempt to leave everything behind, everyone behind. So in a sense she did succeed in that but this was not what she had in mind when she pictured her freedom from her mother and her step-father. She had pictured herself in a big city with a cute little apartment with big windows that looked out over a park or maybe water. She’d have a good job but nothing too fancy. Working in a bookstore maybe or a flower shop. Something where she could be creative. But this wasn’t that magical place. Not even close.

Well you could say that she got to be creative in some sense. If you count being the muse and model for an insane blood thirsty ‘artist’ as creative. Sometimes he did let her pick out some of the smaller details of his work. Like how the hair was styled if it involved a human. But for the most part she was there for him to use when he needed to take out his anger and frustration. “Fucking my pretty little princess always cures the artist block” he would say as he pounded into her without a care for how she felt. All that matter was he got his dick wet. She didn’t mind thought. It kept him happy and she loved him when he was happy. He was kinder.

She could have never imagine this would be her life when she ran out of her mother’s house a year ago. A year, had it really been a year? Was it October already? She couldn’t be too sure. He rarely let her out of his, their, room unless it was to eat at the table as a family. The last time she was able to see a calendar was in August when he took her to the ‘museum’ to give Captain Spaulding the newest exhibit.

She had to beg on her knees for him to let her come along with him. That led to him agreeing with a stipulation of course, “Already on your knees princess might as put that mouth to work. Show me how badly you wanna go.” After giving into his demands she was able to leave the Firefly house and make the trip to see Spaulding. They only stayed a few minutes. Enough time for him to set up his ‘art’ and for her to see that the calendar read “August 17” but looking back what if that was wrong? It didn’t have the year on it, that calendar could have been from 5 years ago for all she knew.

At that point she figured she might as well ask him the date. She had been good the last few weeks. He had even told her that himself. He was being nicer only calling her a slut or a whore when he was fucking her in anger. But now he was calling her sweet things like ‘princess and sweetheart’ he had even called her baby once. But Baby heard him say that and hit the fan mad. Not that Baby didn’t like her. In all fairness her and Baby had become pretty good friends. She would even dare to say best friends. When he was being nice he would let Baby come to the room and talk to her. If he was being really nice and she had been really good for him, he would let her go to Baby’s room. That was the best. Baby would do her hair and makeup and dress her up in pretty outfits. He only let her wear her tiny jean shorts, which she was pretty sure he had cut shorter then when she bought them and a shirt that barely covered her breast. During the winter he had let her wear one of his flannel shirts over her outfit after Mama Firefly got onto him when the poor girl about froze to death. Texas winters could be as brutal as Texas summers if you were in the right place.

“Otis?” She called softly from her place on the bed but then cringed when she realized her mistake. He had been working on a new ‘project’ all morning his back to her and she couldn’t really see what was being created.

“Try again Princess. Get it right or I’ll have to punish you. And you’ve been so good for me for so long.” He didn’t even turn to look at her but she knew he was smirking to himself. He always found pleasure in the little roles he had created for them. But this was no game or play that came to end. This was her life.

“I’m sorry Daddy,” Otis was sure if he hadn’t had been listening for the response it would have been too soft for him to hear. He heard the bed squeak signaling she had moved. In the corner of his eye he could see her kneel next to him and soon felt her hand on his thigh. He looked down to see her staring up at him with her big innocent eyes. His innocent little pretty princess. His naive little sweetheart.

“Good girl, what do you want?” He ran his hand through her hair once before grabbing a fist full at the base of her skull forcing her to stay looking up at him.

“Um, I, I, um. Just was wondering, what’s the date?”

“Tuesday.” Was that all she wanted. Interrupted his work for that.

“No, like what is the date? Like what month is it and the day?”

He tightened his fist in her hair making her whine at the pain “Why the fuck does it matter? Have some place to be? A hot date waiting for you?”

With tears pricking at her eyes she tried to follow his hand to relieve the pressure on her head. “No, no. I only want to be here with you. No where else. With no one else.” She made her eyes wide again trying to get back on his good side with her innocent look. He loved that look.

He loosened his grip on her hair and scratched his chin as if he had to think long and hard about the date.

“It’s October 30. Now why the fuck does it matter? It ain’t your birthday seeing as Baby isn’t fucking around insisting on a party for her little best friend. So what’s so important about today huh?” He had bent down his nose brushing against hers lips barely brushing.

“It’s been a year. A year since you brought me home with you.” She smiled. He may be mean when he’s angry but she did fell at home with him. He did care for her. He did love her. At least that’s what she told herself.

“Didn’t think you’d be so much a little romantic princess. What you want some little anniversary dinner? Think I’m gonna buy you little presents? This is your present sweetheart. You ain’t dead.” He growled in her ear and moved away from her face. “Now get back on the bed and shut your fucking mouth. I’m almost done and if you interrupt again I’ll have Tiny take you down to the basement for the night.”

Her eyes went wide in terror. She hated the basement. Tiny wasn’t bad, they had become pretty good friends. But the basement was not fun. It was dark and cold and damp. Otis had made her stay in the basement when he first brought her to the house after picking her up off the side of road where her car had ‘broken down’ aka where RJ had shot her tires out. It took her a few days to calm down and stop the kicking and screaming. It had only taken a few whips with his belt and the threats of deaths for her to finally listen to him. But she realized once she was being good that he did just want what was best for her. She saw how many girls he brought in and killed. But he chose her. He saved her and kept her safe. Kept her warm and well fed. And as long as she was good for him he was good to her.

“Yes, sir.” She responded quickly as it was a toss up if he wanted her response at all or if that itself would get her to the basement. She crawled back up the bed and laid out on her stomach facing him so she could watch him work. He was painting today.

He turned briefly looking to see if she followed his demand. Which she had, as she always did- his perfect little princess. How lucky he was when he found her. He hadn’t planned originally on keeping her but she was different from the others. She screamed sure but there was something about her eyes. He could tell she was naive but also wouldn’t mind some blood. Her eyes screamed innocence but at the same time he could tell she had seen some of the horrors of this world. He would later learn that horror of hers was from her abusive parents. She didn’t tell him outright but her nightmares usually came along with sleep talking and he had pried a lot of her in her unconscious state.

“Good girl, princess.” He praised her before turning back to his work. She did as she was told and stayed silent for the next hour while he worked. Finally by midnight he was done and she had passed out waiting for him on the bed. He grabbed her hair again and pulled her up, her hands flying up to grab his wrist and looked up at him with now wide awake eyes. “All done princess. You want dinner?”

Oh right they didn’t eat dinner. Odd, Baby normally always came to collect them for dinner when Otis was working. She knew that he would get caught up in his work and forget to feed her little best friend.

She nodded as best she could with his grip on her hair. “Yes please.” She didn’t realize how hungry she was until the thought of dinner crossed her mind.

“Come on then hurry up. Put these on.” He ordered throwing her short skirt and shoes at her. Why was he making wear her shoes? The skirt she knew, even if it barely covered her it was enough to keep Hugo off her a bit. But the shoes? She wasn’t supposed to wear shoes in the house that was one of the rules. “Mama didn’t make enough dinner for us. Seems she forgot about us. Figured I’d be nice and take you somewhere. That’s what you wanted right? Some kinda anniversary dinner?”

“If that’s what you want. I just want to make you happy.” She said slipping on her shoes as ordered.

“Of course you do sweetheart. Come on lets go.” Otis grabbed her wrist and pulled her down the stairs and out to his truck. He threw her into the passenger seat before getting in the driver side. Once the truck was started the radio came on playing her favorite Frank Sinatra song.

She gasped and smiled wide. “I love this song.” She said without thinking before clasping her hand over her mouth. Another one of his rules- Don’t speak unless given permission. She looked up at him with her big eyes. “I’m sorry I was just excited and…”

Otis moved his hand to her thigh gripping the skin so hard she knew she’d have a handprint shaped mark in the morning. She stilled and waiting for his next move.

“Don’t have to apologize for that sweetheart. You’ve been a good girl. Maybe it’s time to change the rules a little, yeah?” He smiled at her with his wicked smile that would send shivers down anyone else’s spine and pulled her closer to him running his hand higher up her thigh. “You be a good girl while we’re out and when we get home. Tomorrow I’ll think about changing your rules.”

She took a breath. He was happy with her. So happy he was going to change her rules. Maybe she would be allowed to leave the room without him. Spend more time with Baby and Tiny. Or even Mama. She loved Mama. Mama was everything she wished her mother had been.

Finally Otis pulled the truck off to a 24 hour roadside dinner. There were only a couple cars, probably belonging to the workers, and a few long haul trucks. Otis got out and pulled her along with him. Once her feet hit the ground he wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed her forehead, “Be good.” It was a simple command and a simple warning. “Be good” meant not only behave in general but also “don’t you dare tell anyone what happens at home.” He had only taken her out in public once, outside of her trips to Captain Spaulding’s, when he took her to buy her new outfits for her to wear for him. And by outfits of course that means bras that barely hold her tits and panties that barely covered anything. Along with a few short skirts and shorts. He didn’t like when Hugo eyed his woman. But oh how Otis loved to see his princess dressed up for him.

She reached up and kissed him on his cheek. She knew he loved it when she showed him affection. “Of course. Always a good girl for you.” She promised him.

They made it to the door and he was even kind enough to hold the door open for her. The waitress at the counter greeted them and told them to find a seat anywhere. He found them a booth far in the corner away from everyone else and pulled her down in his lap grabbing the menu. He let her trail her fingers over it reading each line and finally pointing out what she wanted. Of course, the sweetest thing on the menu. The waitress made her way over and smiled at them.

“Y’all need a minute or are you ready to order?”

Otis tightened his grip on her waist and she knew that meant stay quiet.

“Water, coffee, bacon and scrambled eggs, and the waffles.” He didn’t even look the waitress in the eye. “Chocolate chips on the waffles.”

She must have been really good if he was letting her have sweet treats.

The waitress nodded, writing down the order, before going to the kitchen.

They sat in silence. His hand drifting up and down her leg as they waited. A few minutes go by and the waitress reappears with a tray holding the drinks and food. “Here ya go darlings. Anything else?” Otis waves her off with a huff and she retreats back to the counter where a few truckers are sitting.

He takes a slice of bacon and chews it loudly in her ear before holding a piece to her mouth. “Eat up princess. I’ve been thinking about this whole anniversary non-sense and I think if I’m being so nice getting you this food then when we get home we will play one of our little games.”

She nodded happily, giggling and wiggling in his lap feel him grow harder under her. Playing games meant he was happy and in a good mood. She let him feed her until the plates were cleared. The waitress returned at that point slapping the bill on the table before turning on her heel walking away. She obviously did not enjoy being waved off earlier.

“Did you like it Princess? Wanna come back?” Was the game already starting? He didn’t normally ask her her preferences. “I didn’t like. I don’t think we’ll be back.”

“It was okay. Not as good as Mama’s cooking.” Mama made the best waffles.

Without a word and without looking at the bill Otis stood up and started walking her to the door.

“Sir you need to pay the bill! Excuse me!” The waitress yelled from behind the counter. Otis smirked down at his girl and chuckled darkly. He then whirled around and pull his gun from his waistband.

“I don’t have to do shit bitch.” He then grabbed her hand and threw her back in the truck speeding away towards home.

He was driving far past the speed limit, as fast as a bat out of hell. She looked up at him with her big eyes then down at the gun in-between them in the seat of the truck. He had never brought it out in front of her. He liked to use his knifes, belts, or even his hands on her. She couldn’t even name a time she had a gun this close outside of being on a police officers hip.

“Not gonna fucking bite you. What the little princess never seen a gun before?” He eyes burned on her. She shook her head. “Well then Princess, why don’t we start the game now?” He grabbed the gun and pressed it against against her temple. “Open those legs pretty girl.” She did as she was told and he moved the gun down her body until it was between her legs. “You fucking get off on this and cum without permission I will blow your brains out. Don’t care how much a pretty fuck you are. Understood?”

She let out the breath she didn’t realize she was holding, “Yes.”

He slid the barrel of the gun against her folds making her shiver against the cold metal. He kept it up at a steady pace for what felt like hours but he made sure to never reach right where she wanted him. She was looking straight ahead trying to find any landmarks showing they were close to home. Right as she was about to work up the nerve to ask him, he finally hit her sweet spot. She moaned and threw her head back.

“There we go princess. Don’t forget the rules.” He moved faster bringing her close to the edge and pulling away. Finally the light of the house came into view. He stopped the truck but continued playing with her for a few minutes before pulling the gun away from her core.

He looked it over before grabbing her chin, “Open wide sweetheart. You made my gun dirty, now you gotta suck it clean. Be a good girl.” Be a good girl. Yes she is a good girl for him. She opened her mouth sticking out her tongue letting him slide the barrel into her mouth. She began licking and sucking her juices off the shiny metal when she heard a click. She gulped and looked at him to see his wicked smile. “Good girls don’t have to worry if the safety is off. And you’re a good girl right?” She nodded and continued until he finally pulled away wiping her spit off on his shirt. He then got out of the truck pulling her along with him as always. “Good girl, now you have 2 minutes to get that pretty ass upstairs and ready in our room. Wear the white.” Oh he really wanted to play today. He only had her wear a white set if he intended to stain it red. “Timer’s already started Princess I’d hurry if I was you.” He slapped her hard on her ass kicking her into gear. She darted into the house trying to be careful not to knock anything over. She reached the threshold of their room when she heard him slam the front door shut meaning she had about 1 minute left. She ripped off her clothes and threw on the first white lace bra and panties she could find. Once she was dressed she dropped to her knees sitting back on her heels, hands in her lap, looking up and waiting.

Otis finally opened the bedroom door and smirked at the sight before him. She was so pretty like that. Ready and waiting to suck his cock. He walked up to her stripping his clothes as he walked holding his belt in his hands. “Ain’t you a sight for sore eyes? On the bed arms up.”

She followed his orders and laid down arms against the headboard. She knew the drill at this point. He looped the belt around her wrist securing her to the bed. He then tied a blindfold around her eyes. This game was her favorite. She didn’t know why but he always was happier after they played this game.

A drawer opened and she heard the clicks of metal against metal. She then felt an ice cold blade against her throat. “One sound. One single sound and I will gut you like a pig. Got it?” She nodded to the best of her ability. “Good girl now be quiet.” The knife moved across her body slowly. She had yet to feel skin break. He moved up and down her arms and her legs. Around her bellybutton and traced the insides of her thighs. Then the feeling was gone. And she heard the rustling sound of clothes being thrown on and the bedroom door slamming.

This wasn’t part of the game. He was suppose to cut her, carve his name on her and lick the blood. Slice her up with tiny cuts that would bead some bubbles of blood enough for him to paint her in but not enough to kill her or even truly hurt her. But he never left before it was over. He didn’t always stay long afterwards, aftercare is not in his vocabulary but he never left before they were done.

Had he decided he was done with her? Was he going to get RJ and Tiny so they could be ready to take her body when he was done with it? Questions and thoughts started whirling in her head. Fear creeping up on her. She was alone again. She was alone and going to die. Her life with the Firefly’s wasn’t perfect but it was hers and she was enjoying it.

Tears started to slip from her eyes wetting the blindfold that had been tied to her. Maybe he was going to leave her here to starve. Let her have a final meal and then starve her. Her tears soon turned to sobs and before she knew it her breathing was getting shaky. Everything was spinning even though she couldn't see anything. Her brain was spinning it felt like. Her body was shaking violently.

“The fuck is wrong with you girl?” His voice boomed into the room and he removed his belt from her hands pulling her into his lap before taking off the blindfold. He was being oddly kind, like he was worried about her.

She continued to shake and sob for a minute before finally calming down enough to look at him. “You, you, you left. You never leave until the game is finished. Left me alone again.”

He sighed and rolled his eyes. “Someone wondered up the property Princess. Had to make sure the cops weren’t showing up. Don’t need the pigs here when I have a pretty little runaway in my bed.” Then in a rare moment, a very rare moment that had only happened once when he was drunk but she counted it because it was the only time it happened; he kissed her. Like a real kiss from someone you love not a power play. “Ain’t nothing gonna happen to you Princess. I promise.”

She wiped her eyes and looked up at him like he was the center of her whole universe, “You won’t abandon me, right?” It was barely a whisper almost as if she was unsure if she could ask.

Otis brushed her hair out of her face and kissed her forehead, “You’re mine forever silly girl. I love you.”

Those three words. The three little words he knew would hook her right in again. He didn’t have to worry about anything as long as he dangled that little carrot in front of her face once every couple weeks. He wasn’t sure if he even meant it. In the beginning he knew he didn’t but now as time had gone on he wasn’t sure anymore. Maybe this pretty little princess from the other side of Texas was changing him.

“I love you too.” She sighed kissing his neck before snuggling into him. There would be no wicked game for a few hours. He would be kind. He would let her sleep next to him. Let her snuggle up on his chest while he played with her hair. Let her have a few hours where they played like they were a normal couple, just a man and his girl sleeping the night away.

But Otis Driftwood was anything but just a man. He was different and he knew it. But she was different too. Maybe she was meant to be here. Meant to be his girl forever. But that was a problem for another day. A day when he was 7 beers deep and didn't have to think too hard.

“Goodnight Princess you can sleep now. I ain't going anywhere. And when you wake up, I’ll let you go to Baby’s room.” He kissed her hair again and moved them down on the bed throwing the blanket over them.

#otis driftwood #otis driftwood x reader #house of 1000 corpses #house of 1000 corpses x reader #slashers x reader #house of 1000 corpses fanfic #otis driftwood fanfic #i am in love with this freak and I’m not sorry #yes i am a disappointment to my mother

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palestinian-fundraising · 28 days

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Please read the following🇵🇸

Help Dima escape Gaza

Note from organizer:

I’m reaching out today with a heavy heart, asking for your help during a time of urgent need

I am Dima Muhanna, a writer and medical student at Al-Azhar University in Gaza, in my fifth year at the Faculty of Medicine. I write to you with a heart full of pain, and the warplanes above me, but I fight my fear to write my story.

I came from a beautiful family that loved life.

My family gave us everything we needed to seek knowledge and they never failed.

My older sister is an engineer and graduated from the Islamic University two years ago, and my brother is in his second year at the Faculty of Dentistry at Al-Azhar University in Gaza.

Since the 7th of October, everything has changed for the worse. My family and I evacuated from our home on that day, There’s nothing left in the north that hasn’t been bombed. Then we evacuated from northern Gaza to the safe areas in the south to escape from death, even the south was no longer safe. We have been on the verge of death more than five times, and each time we miraculously survive, and then I run to help the injured people and save their lives as many as I can, then I cry for the martyrs and Gaza..

Four years have passed of hard working, fatigue, and staying up late for a long time. I have been increasing in knowledge and understanding throughout these years in order to achieve my goal. I volunteer in Gaza Strip hospitals as a surgeon’s assistant in major operations and others.

In addition to that, I was conducting awareness raising and medical courses in cooperation with international organizations, and I was also volunteering to serve people with visual impairment.

I’m a voice-over too, I record literary books for them that they liked and send them to the institutions concerned with them, as if I were their eyes. As a result of this, I obtained an American scholarship to complete my studies in Gaza, but all of this Stop, and I am no longer just a displaced person who wants to save her life, the life of her family, and her future.

I loved Gaza and gave it a lot

All I wanted was to complete my last two years of medicine speciality and to survive and going to a safe country like Egypt to start my life again.

All I want is your help so that my family and I can survive. We are 5 individuals, and to be able to leave, we need $5,000 for each of us. and so on the total becomes $25,000.

There’re 7000 $ left to start our life again in Egypt.

Your support would enable us to cover the essential costs of our journey and resettlement. It’s not just a donation; it’s a lifeline, offering us a chance at a new life away from the fear and uncertainty that has clouded our existence for too long.

This is a call to action for anyone who believes in the power of humanity to change lives. With your help, we can offer my family a future filled with hope, security, and the opportunity to rebuild in a place where peace is not just a dream, but a reality, and where education and personal development are accessible to all.

Please consider contributing to our cause. Together, we can turn the tide for my family, transforming despair into hope and tragedy into a new beginning. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for any support you can provide.

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steamberrystudio · 7 months

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05/11/2023

Hey everyone! Time for the bi-weekly tumblr update for Steamberry stuffs!

I feel like I have missed a few tumblr updates. I went back and the last one I can find is *dated* August 24 - but was actually posted on September 24th. LoL

I had one dated from October but it looks like I may have never actually posted it. That seems about right for how things have been going for me.

It's been rough. Like...really rough. I'm going to assume that the September 24th post was my last tumblr update. I have been updating on Patreon and even updated on Itchio, so there have been updates. Just apparently not here.

(below, you'll mostly find information on WSC but there is a quick update on GS remnants as well!)

Summary

Have written all but Yren's route *through* chapter 9

Numerous new BGs

Ramble

So the last time I posted it looks like I was just starting Chapter 8 in When Stars Collide. I am currently wrapping up the final scenes of chapter 9.

My word count in the September update was 373,000 and it is currently 413,000. I am just shy of 90% of the way towards my final word count goal.

I am about halfway through writing Yren's chapter 9 content (about 8000 words of content total and I've got nearly 4000 of that written). Once I have that bit written, I will be done with Chapter 9 for all characters.

I've gotten new art since my last post but honestly I'm not sure at this point how many. Looking back at my emails, it looks like I've probably gotten 3 new complete BGs + 1 BG sketch since my last update here on Tumblr.

I have updated all the CGs with the new background art as well - the introductory CGs in the current snapshot, of course, use the old backgrounds and the new conference room looks completely different and has different chairs. So I had to go back to those CGs and re-do the chairs. That is done but I haven't actually coded the new BGs yet. I have, however, updated the artwork.

That's basically the major stuff for now with WSC.

Gilded Shadows

Working on the lore book. The art book is complete but I decided to hold off releasing it until the lore book is done so I can release them together. Lore book is taking a while as there is a lot of content to format and I'm adding to it as I go.

It is nearing 100 pages already and...yeah. There's a fair bit more. So it's gonna be big.

Screenshots:

None this time....I don't think.

Upcoming Weeks:

Basically the same old stuff. I will be writing for WSC. I am currently trying to hit a goal of at least 6500 words a week so I can complete the draft by the end of December.

So far I have been able to do that although some weeks I barely managed. It's, as I said, been rough.

I'm continuing to work on the GS lore book. Most of the stuff is at least collected in one place right now, so I just have to format, organise, and add any commentary.

But I've changed computers at least twice since starting this game and some things I remember writing and am now struggling to find. So...that's fun.

Anyway I will try to make sure I post here every two weeks going forward instead of writing up a draft of the post and apparently never showing anyone. 💪

#whenstarscollide #indieotome #amare game #english otome games #steamberry #updates

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sylvan-librarian · 9 months

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Nissa's Pilgrimage Part I: Worldwaker

Preface:

Hi there! My name is Steven; I recently wrapped up a master’s degree in library science and am doing my best to segue careers. Since my terminally long job hunt has left me with more down time than I ever wanted to have, I decided to put my English degree to good(?🤷) use by writing a bunch of personal essays on Magic the Gathering, as it is a topic I have been obsessed with for around a decade now. I didn’t intend to share these ramblings at first, and I began this whole project for my own edification, to keep my brain active, and to prevent myself going insane from boredom. However, I thought it couldn’t hurt to throw these online and see what comes of it.

This particular piece is part 1 of ???. I have a lot of notes in my drafts and even more thoughts in my head, so it may just go on indefinitely until someone (finally) gives me a dang job.

TLDR: I’m a deranged MTG Vorthos and former English major with a lot of thoughts and even more time on my hands, so I began a handful of English major-y essays on my pet topics. I’m posting them here for now.

Introduction:

Almost every Magic player who began learning the game after the planeswalker card type was introduced in the Lorwyn expansion in October, 2007 can tell you a story about the first planeswalker card they fell in love with. It might have been because the mechanics on the card melded perfectly with their preferred strategy of play, it might have been because they kept up with the story and were invested in the represented character’s journey, or it might have simply been because they thought the art looked cool.

For whatever reason under Mirrodin’s five suns a Magic player first became attached to a planeswalker and their cards, the character often become symbolic for our love of the game itself. These symbols grow beyond simple loyalty abilities on a piece of cardboard and become inexorably intertwined with our own personal Magic experience.

For me, this planeswalker was Nissa Revane.

You see, in March of 2014, I started working at The Game Closet in Waco, Texas. I had just finished getting a master’s degree in English, so of course, my first job out in the real world was to become a clerk at my local game store (really putting my humanities education to work). Having grown up in a small Louisiana town, I never had a chance to play Magic. I entered the tabletop gaming world through my obsession with Dungeons & Dragons, Shadowrun, and sundry other RPG’s.

Nevertheless, as Magic players made up the majority of the store’s customer base, I took it upon myself to learn the game. The Theros block was wrapping up at the time with its third set, Journey into Nyx, and a bunch of friendly players were more than happy to unload all of their bulk commons and uncommons to me (Journey into Nyx was famously underpowered, after all), so I tried to make a standard deck out of all this draft chaff and run it at Friday Night Magic.

It didn’t go too well.

However, I was happy with the overall direction of the deck, and I immediately discovered that I loved green decks, specifically green ramp strategies.

I was enthralled with the idea of accelerating mana so that you can play flashy, intimidating creatures and cool, game warping spells far earlier than you have any right to, so I continued to tweak the deck until I made a functioning version of the Theros Standard Mono Green Devotion deck. Even though I wasn’t good enough at the game in my early days to consistently win (even at the local level), I had a lot of fun with it! It was fast and explosive, but for some reason, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was missing something.

However, not a few months later, the Magic 2015 Core Set gets released, and the chase mythic rare in the set’s early days was exactly the kind of card I was looking for: Nissa, Worldwaker. I had no idea who this Nissa character was supposed to be — though I did think the art looked pretty cool — but I was in awe of the card’s abilities! It was precisely the kind of fuel I felt my standard deck needed at the time, and it turns out I was right! My Magic the Gathering “competitive” “career” begins and ends with a handful of first place rankings at my local game store’s standard FNM events, but as small a victory as those are, nearly all of these top rankings were due to Nissa, Worldwaker.

Needless to say, I became devoted to the character overnight.

Exploration:

But who is Nissa, really? Let’s start with the basics. Nissa is an elf planeswalker from the plane of Zendikar, a largely untamed wilderness where the land itself has a will of its own, causing unforeseeable (un)natural disasters called “the roil” by Zendikari locals. According to the recently-released Magic The Gathering: The Visual Guide by Jay Annelli, Nissa is in her 60s and she is 5 feet, 2 inches tall, making her the smallest of the original four members of the Gatewatch (five if you count Liliana). Nissa has a mystical connection to the land and can sense a plane’s leylines, giving her a measure of control over the ground she walks on; this allows her to animate the very land itself to fight her enemies, a narrative element that has been expressed mechanically time and time again on Nissa’s cards throughout the years.

Ostracized from the elven clan she was born in, the Joraga, for the crime of having this connection to the land (a rare brand of sorcery called “animism” in the lore of Magic), Nissa spent large stretches of years alone with only the spirits of the natural world as companions. This has made her socially awkward to a fault, and the issues she has in communicating with her friends (and later, lovers) has been a fairly consistent plot point throughout all of the (canon) story arcs she has played a part in.

In a fictional universe that contains ageless elder dragons, a man-eating toad, a sentient robot who literally created a planet from scratch, and a wizard who once phased an entire continent out of the time stream, Nissa Revane’s eternal struggle to express simple feelings to people she shares a bond with always seemed to me the most human element in the Magic canon. Additionally (big surprise), that’s something I have in common with her. While other Vorthoses have made the argument that Nissa is on the autism spectrum, that is something I have neither the personal experience with nor the education of to speak about. That is certainly a valid lens to view this character through, however, so if that interests you, I’d encourage you to search up these pieces on your own.

What I can speak on with a certain level of expertise, however, is the personal struggle of being a shy, withdrawn introvert in an extroverted world. As a lifelong wallflower with a vivid imagination and a rich inner world, I can deeply relate to a character who doesn’t know how to put her intense feelings to words. For example, in the final story of the Kaladesh arc, Renewal, Nissa tries to express to her companion Chandra just how deeply she wants to be “friends” with her:

Nissa swallowed past the desert in her throat. "I don't speak often. I lived alone for...decades. Zendikar was my companion. We understood each other at a level deeper than words. I...I don't know how to talk to you. I'm trying to learn." Chandra looked up, eyes wide and startled. "You don't know how to talk to me?" "I will make mistakes," Nissa said. "Pick the wrong words. Misunderstand yours. I'll act strange and won't know that I am. But if you can be patient with me, I would like to be..." Waves of sky-song memory welled upward, symphonies of color and warmth, resonant movement and shared breath. She stilled them, reduced them, and forced out angular words shaped in a pallid shadow of acceptable truth. "...your friend." Chandra's hands leapt out to enfold hers, warm as a bird's nest. "I dunno," she sniffled, one corner of her mouth quivering upward. "I think you're pretty good at picking words." "It took all afternoon to decide how to say this."

While this section of Renewal is a cornerstone of Nissa’s and Chandra’s future romantic relationship, that is a topic big enough to warrant its own essay in order to do it justice. For now, though, let’s focus on this bit: “‘I would like to be…’ Waves of sky-song memory welled upward, symphonies of color and warmth, resonant movement and shared breath. She stilled them, reduced them, and forced out angular words shaped in a pallid shadow of acceptable truth. ‘...your friend.’” Nissa’s never ending struggle to use words grand enough to communicate the intensity of the feelings in her heart has stuck with me since Renewal was posted on Magic’s website in 2017. I doubt I’m the only one, either.

Heroic Intervention

Nissa was already the character I was most invested in back in 2017, but observing her deep well of emotions she didn’t know to express and her entire lifetime's worth of interests and experiences she didn’t know how to talk about helped me, I think, come to terms the previous two-and-a-half decades of my own life that I spent cowering in corners at parties, being as unobtrusive as possible in the lives of my friends and family, and holding myself back because I didn’t think anyone would ever want me around - as a friend, as a lover, or even as a coworker. This section, from later on in Renewal, really gutted me at the time:

What would she do, if she had the time again? If she didn't flinch at light, noise, and touch, or speak in gestures and movements strange and off-putting to others? How could she tell this new life to laugh and weep without reservation or regret; to sing to the stars and waters, or to nothing at all; to love unreserved and unguarded; to treasure every moment with those beloved; to forgive any regretted trespass; to dance when moved to; to savor long silences in warm company; to greet each dawn, each face with the thought, this will be an adventure; to be brave, and kind, and trusting, and... ...like Chandra. The aetherborn waited, flickering. But why would anyone find her thoughts on the matter of value, anyway? Don't be afraid to follow your heart, Nissa told them. ...Why would that be scary? Halfway across Ghirapur, her body exhaled a laugh into the deepening twilight. May it ever puzzle you.

It wasn’t too long after this story was published that I began my own journey from hiding in the shadows to living my life in a way I was proud of. I moved away with the woman I was dating at the time, and even though that relationship ended up not working out, I spent five long, fun, life-altering years learning to

laugh and weep without reservation or regret; to sing to the stars and waters, or to nothing at all; to love unreserved and unguarded; to treasure every moment with those beloved; to forgive any regretted trespass; to dance when moved to; to savor long silences in warm company; to greet each dawn, each face with the thought, this will be an adventure.

I wonder to this day if the courage Nissa displayed during her own pilgrimage helped nurture in me the courage I needed in my own…

Conclusion

If you made this far, thanks! I’m not sure who, if any, will be interested in these endless ramblings, but if you're here, I hope you found something in it to enjoy!

Further entries in this little series will cover who Nissa is as a character, how she has been treated by various writers in Magic's various seasons, and why that matters (to me at least). The next longform piece I post will go over Nissa’s dual origins, why she was retconned from an incompetent xenophobe into the cinnamon roll with baggage we know today, and what both the Magic Story Team and its fans have made of this shift over the years.

References

Annelli, J. Magic The Gathering The Visual Guide. DK Publishing

Li, M., Digges, K., Luhrs, A., Beyer D., & L'Etoile, C. (2017). Renewal

#magic the gathering #nissa revane #vorthos #magic story #mtg story #essay #chandra nalaar

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messrmoonyy · 9 months

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Messrmoonyy’s Tess Smutober

So. Here is my plans for uploading in October. I am not participating in kinktober simply because I don’t really like the majority of the prompts. And because I do not have even half the amount of time or motivation I would need to write 31 things lmao. I don’t even write that much in an whole year. Anyways.

So. We have smutober! All with Tess of course. I’ve been writing softer things lately so october is dedicated to nothing but smut.

Here’s what you can expect to see. In no particular order and not officially titles lmao and they are drabbles for the most part simply to allow myself the removal of stress of writing full length fics.

• shower sex in Lincoln

This is pretty soft, but is basically prawn with no plot

• submissive Tess

Features somno, Tess taking the strap, soft Dom reader. Again. Prawn no plot

• Tess gagging you with her bandana

Drabble. Exactly what it says on the tin

• cockwarming

Drabble. Again. Like. No explanation needed here

• Tess Lives au, sex near Ellie and Joel

Actually a tiny bit of plot! Set in the time Jump between Pittsburgh and Jackson. Holed up in a town overnight, desperate times. Desperate measures.

• reader caught masturbating

Drabble. Would you look at that, Prawn no plot!

So. There we have it. They might not all get posted simply because october is SO busy for me especially towards the end of the month. But I will try 🫡

Any questions or info about any of them feel free to ask 😚

#ooky spooky dividers cause October lmao #tess servopoulos #tess servopoulos x reader #the last of us #x you #smut #tlou hbo #tlou

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caramelcuppaccino · 2 years

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lunlun's autumn studying challenge! #studyingunderthefallingleaves

Hi and hello everyone! Welcome to my blog and my studying challenge! ✧⁠◝⁠(⁠⁰⁠▿⁠⁰⁠)⁠◜⁠✧ My name is Lunlun. I am creating this challenge because my uni started on October and I want to motivate myself and keep track of my studies. I hope you will participate and enjoy the challenge too!

• How to participate?

Just reblog this post! You don't need to follow me or anything like that. And do not forget to post your posts with the hashtag #studyingunderthefallingleaves so that everyone can see your posts! You do not need to start at a certain date. I wouldn’t even mind if you started the challenge during summer :] Just try to enjoy it and make sure you’re taking breaks and taking good care of yourself!

• Prompts:

Day 1: Welcome! Let’s start with a simple question: What is your major/What do you study?

Day 2: Share your goals for this challenge. What do you want to accomplish by the end of it?

Day 3: What does autumn mean for you?

Day 4: Share a song that has autumn vibes with us.

Day 5: Why did you choose your major/what you study?

Day 6: Are there other languages you learn besides your native langauge? If so, which ones?

Day 7: What is the best place to study for you in autumn?

Day 8: What do you like to drink while you study? You can share the recipe if you want!

Day 9: Do you have a memory, which happened during autumn, you remember with a smile on your face?

Day 10: What is your favorite thing about your major? Why?

Day 11: Which one of your courses do you like the most? And the one you just can’t like no matter what you do?

Day 12: Do you have any studying methods you use? If so, share them with us (please *sobs*)!

Day 13: Which one do you prefer: Digital devices and online platforms or notebooks and books? And why?

Day 14: Share a picture of your favorite pen/pencil!

Day 15: You’ve finished the half of the challenge (for now as more prompts will be added), so let’s look back at your goals. Are you getting closer to accomplishing them?

Day 16: Share an article you’ve read and enjoyed recently.

Day 17: What is your favorite thing about having a studyblr blog?

Day 18: Share a YouTube channel and/or a podcast you like to watch/listen that inspires you.

Day 19: How was your day? You can talk about anything; vent or share a moment. I personally am willing to hear!

Day 20: Where are you from and how is the school system in your country? As a prospective teacher, I like to hear about different education systems. For example, in my country, we have a 4+4+4 system where students study elementary, middle school and high school (seperately) for four years. Most departmens in universities are also for four years; however, medicine students, for example, have to study for six years.

Day 21: Share a random fact you know.

Day 22: What is your best feature according to you?

Day 23: Okay, you have to praise yourself with at least two sentences. Go! I am listening!

Day 24: What do you think about homeworks? Do you think they are necessary or just burden for students?

Day 25: What was your favorite subject as a child?

Day 26: What advice would you give to people who want/will start to study your major?

Day 27: What book are you reading right now? Do you like it so far?

Day 28: Share a playlist you listen to while studying.

Day 29: What is your favorite autumn food?

Day 30: It’s been a month already! How are you feeling? Is keeping up with the challenge tiring? Have you enjoyed it so far? Please share your thoughts!

• From Lunlun: I will add more prompts later, probably for 30 days again. I am posting this part for now as if I try to write more now, I know it’ll take more time for me to share the challenge and don’t wanna miss autumn!

Tag List (let me know if you’d like to be tagged!):

#studyingunderthefallingleaves #lunlunstudies #studying #studyblr #studyspo #studystudystudy #study blog #study motivation #student #studygram #studyinspo #study challenge #study inspiration #study notes #studying aesthetic #studying challenge

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thisbuildinghasfeelings · 6 months

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2023 Writing Cross Stitch Round Up

Thank you for tagging me @ladytessa74 and @alrightbuckaroo

I'm pretty proud of my cross stitch journey this year! 20 finished pieces since April!

April

911 Lone Star- my first Lone Star cross stitch project, created with an image of the Lone Star logo and a free pattern generator I found online. It had been a couple years since I had done any cross stitching. Working on this one was a bit of a painful week because it involved the reestablishment of my stitching calluses on my fingers.

I'm a fireman, our codes are like...fire!- The first in a series where I took a quote from the show and went on Etsy to find a pattern for some kind of image that I thought worked well with the quote. At this point, I didn't have the confidence (or the software) to come up with my own more complex patterns.

Sure, ma'am, but just so you know, I am a homosexual-Still one of my favorites. However, it was early in my cross stitching journey, so when I look at it, a few major mistakes jump out at me. This is such an excellent quote that I think I want to do an improved version at some point.

Is the lizard back?-I did this one in honor of Lou II after I found a perfect bearded dragon pattern available on Etsy.

Firefighters, you really are a smug bunch-I really like this one. I found a firetruck pattern on Etsy and modified it a bit, including changing the number on it to 126.

May

I was peckish and I wanted pudding- This is a simple one, but I created the pattern myself. From the second I heard this line, I knew it had to be a cross stitch.

It absolutely wrecks people- Cow eyes. I like this one except for the fact that I took a horrible picture of it. I think I finished it at night and was so excited to post that I couldn't wait for daylight to get a brighter picture. It's always a struggle to get a picture that's bright enough but also doesn't have the shadow of my phone across it. Luckily, since then I've discovered the perfect place in my house to take cross stitch pictures, even at night!

Did you know that honeybees pollinate a third of our food supply?- I was originally going to have four little honeybees on this one, but the finale had just aired and I was dying to get going on my planned Tarlos vows project, so it ended up just getting one bee.

June

Working on stitching the vows.

July

Tarlos wedding vows- It took 7 weeks and a comically large hoop, but I got it done. I mapped out this pattern before I had pattern making software meaning I did it by hand with pencil and paper. Plotting out the words, making sure everything was centered, making sure it would all fit, etc was quite an ordeal!

Tarlos proposal- This was the first pattern I created with my new pattern making software and it's still one of my favorites. It's love ❤️

126 Firehouse- I was incredibly proud of myself for this one. It was the most elaborate pattern I had created on my own up until that point.

August

Typical TK- I really like this one but I didn't include the full quote for simplicity's sake (leaving out the "of course") and I kind of regret that now.

We make a pretty good team-This one did not turn out the way I saw it in my head, so there were moments that I kind of hated it. Ultimately, I'm ok with it.

September

Working on my elaborate tarloft dining area project.

October

You Have All of Me, Carlos-This is without a doubt my favorite thing I've ever made. It took about 6 weeks and is the most elaborate pattern I've created to date.

November

This is real- A quote from @ladytessa74's incredible fic for her birthday.

Tyler Kennedy Strand-My best attempt at capturing the essence of TK.

Lone Star Christmas Tree Ornaments-4 stitched ornaments for my Lone Star-themed Christmas tree.

Well, he's a wise ass- A piece in honor of my favorite wise ass.

Season 1 Tarlos- The first in my cute little Tarlos series. I love tiny TK and Carlos very much.

December

Season 2 Tarlos-Cute little Tarlos part 2.

I will have at least one more (and maybe two) still this month. Season 3 Tarlos will definitely be finished before the month is over, and depending on how much stitching time I have, I may even get Season 4 done.

No pressure tagging @bonheur-cafe @heartstringsduet @birdclowns @paperstorm @carlos-in-glasses @lemonlyman-dotcom @strandnreyes @fitzherbertssmolder @reasonandfaithinharmony (gif round up?)

#lone star cross stitch

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mijikai12 · 5 months

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BIENVENIDOS!!!!

hola chicos!! this is my main blog and this pinned post is also a more updated and simpler than the og!!

warning: LONG POST ⚠️⚠️⚠️

BLOGS ->

Main: @mijikai12

Vent: @kayventa

Reblogging: @mijikai12-reblogs

Ask(1): @just-ask-finn

Ask(2): @the-prismo-ask-blog

Com!/Colab/Art: @yoki-san

MusicBased: @cheryap

where you can also find me ->

spotify

wattpad

youtube

instagram

twitter

details ->

i am a minor (13) and my birthday is March 2nd! 🎂

i am a aromantic lesbian

i have adhd and some autism

im an extrovert mainly around people i know. but i am literally forcing myself to interact with people (i swear it actually works omfg)

i go by Kayla

i love talking to people here.

i joined i think in september or october.

i play flute, piano, and a bit of recorder

my favorite colors are 💚🖤🤍❤️

i like weirdcore

im a big adventure time fan

im open for asks

im in seventh grade

i like to draw, animate, make music, and write!

she/them/green

im a Pieces

i'm hispanic

i speak english + spanish

MAIN OC'S!!!!!!:

Mijikai Tsocka(mascot): she is a bunny hybrid bc of course. i gues she was tested on or something, i havent quite figured her lore yet. she's a she/them 16 lesbian female.

Sarahnah Dandila(princess): She's fucking annoying anyways; she is a she/her 23 straight female. She's princess of whatever idk i dont have a name for the kingdom yet. (most parent standard hehe)

Mattie Sercel: He's a he/it 21 bisexual trans (least parent standard haha) he's in college and majors in 3D art and animation.

okay! i really hope you enjoy my blog!! i cant wait to meet yall and to get into situations id rather die than be in!! 😊

edits below:

edit1: guys i made a Neobook account!! i dont know what shit to do there so it might be empty for a while.

edit2: im trying to make an ao3 account. i should be on by 1/30

edit3: i know ive already said this but my reblogs are slowly being deleted. so my art posts will go to Yoki while normal text/memes/etc posts will go here (≧∇≦)

edit4: i lied in that last edit. anyways, i am gonna make an insta soon (maybe tonight) and i might make a Pinterest account! 😆

edit5: I MADE AN INSTAAAA

edit6: i have a twitter if you didnt notice

edit7: AO3 DOESNT LIKE MEEE

edit8: i have a gf omggg i'll be posting a lot about it at @kayventa

edit9: yeah ao3 does NOT like me wow. anyways, so springbreaks coming up soon. i'll post about this on thursday or friday ✌🏽

edit10: ive had an c.ai account for months ive posted about it idk if yallve seen it yet 😒

edit11: i found out a few days ago that when ao3 said i'd be on by 1/30, they didnt mean 1/30/24, they meant 1/30/25. wtf

#pinned post #simple #main blog #about me in desc #mijikai12

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marmixedwithabitofintellect · 2 years

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Chapter Three: Understanding

Chapter 3 is finally here!! I have enjoyed writing this chapter so much especially because of all the topics it covers! I have loved it so much and it definitely is my favorite in this story so far 🥹✨ Come talk to me after you read and tell me what you think! All the love 🤍 Mar

Disclaimer: In no way do I wish to spread hate or negative opinions about any of the characters here depicted, this is just fiction and with the purpose of entertaining you guys

February 14, 2022 – March 13, 2022: Month Three

October 16, 2014

Boston, Massachusetts. 7:35 AM.

The smell of coffee was welcome on this fall day, for once I had made it on time to Professor Jameson’s class and was able to buy my coffee. The class started filling up with students from all over campus since “Political Analysis of the 21st Century” was a common core subject for a lot of majors and minors, including mine.

After a series of arguments with my parents they agreed to let me get my bachelor’s degree with a major in Communications and a minor in Graphic Design, and so far, I have loved every single moment. Upon the recommendation of juniors and seniors I decided to get done with the common core subjects first, hence the reason I was here sitting at one of the biggest halls at Boston University waiting for my professor.

While I was reviewing my notes someone cleared their throat, I turned to look at him and I had to hold my breath, he was tall and lean, head full of loose curls, brown eyes full of kindness hidden behind a delicate frame and a smile to die for, “Hi, are you Y/N?” I stared for a few before I cleared my throat and nodded

“Yeah, that’s me”, his smile grew bigger if that was possible, “We got partnered up for the midterm project, I tried to catch you last class but had no luck”, I chuckled, “Yeah, I tend to get out as soon as I can, but thank you for reaching out”, he nodded and took the empty seat next to mine, “No problem, hey why don’t you give me your phone so we can work a schedule or something”

I nodded and reached into my bag for a post-it, scribbled down my phone number and handed it to him, he smiled before speaking up in a half whisper since Professor Jameson had arrived, “Thank you, I’m Matthew by the way”, I smiled, “Nice to meet you Matthew”

February 13, 2022

London, England. 12:30 PM.

I was pulled from my thoughts when I felt someone squeeze my arm, I opened and closed my eyes wanting to make sure I was not dreaming, however when I opened them, I came across the smile that a few years ago had me weak on my knees, Matthew chuckled before speaking up, “I’m sorry, I guess old habits die hard”

I chuckled, “How are you? It’s been a few years”, he nodded before asking, “About four or five I reckon?”, I nodded. Harry then cleared his throat and I turned to see him, he had a strained smile on his face and was silently asking who the man standing in front of us was, “Oh! Where are my manners? Matthew this is Harry”, he smiled before offering his hand to shake, “Harry it is a pleasure to meet you”

He nodded and curtly answered, “Yeah you too”, they both pulled back before I cleared my throat, “So, do you live here now?”, he nodded, “Well not really, I’m in the process of moving”, a ding from his phone had him checking the message before sighing, “I’m sorry, I have to go, but I hope to see you soon yeah? Maybe catch up?”, I nodded, “Yes of course”, he nodded before turning to look at Harry, “Nice to meet you Harry”, Harry gave him a tight-lipped smile, “You too”

And as he pulled back, I felt myself get lost on memories before Harry squeezed my hand, “Hey, everything okay?”, I smiled at him and nodded, “Yes baby, just surprised I guess”, I cleared my throat before squeezing his hand back, “Shall we?”, he nodded and reached to kiss my temple while we made our way to the museum.

February 20, 2015

Boston, Massachusetts. 9:30 PM

The party was in full swing when the girls and I got there, Chelsea went to look for her boyfriend while Cassie and I searched for Otto and Davie, the four of us were studying communication and had become a very close group of friends. A few minutes later we could see Otto’s blonde man bun and standing next to him was Davie with his favorite Red Sox cap and beside him was another tall man.

When Otto saw us, he smiled and waved to us, and as we were making our way to where he was standing Davie and the mysterious guy turned, and when he did, I stopped in my tracks, it was Matthew. I could see a flash of recognition and a smile on his face before he smirked, “Well, well, well, if it isn’t my favorite partner”, I laughed before saying hello to them and pulling each of them into a hug and stopping to stand next to him.

“It’s good to see you! How have you been? How is junior life treating you?”, he smiled and nodded, “Good, good, working on my dissertation and final credits, and you? How is freshman life?”, I sighed, “It’s interesting, but I cannot wait for it to be over”, he laughed, “Oh you’ll regret saying that soon”, I smirked, “Speaking from experience?” he nodded.

I did not realize but soon enough we were left alone, and we decided to go sit to the back patio next to the bonfire where we delved into a conversation about anything and everything. And as we were sitting there, I realized I could get used to this, conversation on never-ending topics, a feeling of ease and well, looking at his handsome face. I was pulled back from my thoughts when Cassie made her way to me, an apologetic look all over her face

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but we have to wake up in about four hours so we should sleep”, I stood up and nodded before turning to look at Matthew, before I could speak up he blurted, “Go on a date with me”, my heart started beating faster after he said this, I pretended to ponder for a few before giving him a small smile and nodding, “I would love to”, he smiled

“I’ll text you the details, yes?”, I nodded and reached in to place a kiss on the corner of his lips before making my way to where Cassie was waiting for me, after we linked our arms, I turned to see Matthew standing there and waving, I gave him a wink and turned back to see where I was walking to.

February 13, 2022

Harry. London, England. 5:00 PM.

Our date at the museum had been everything I expected and more; I had forgotten how much I enjoyed visiting museums and especially with her and being able to share our passion for art with Pippa was everything I ever dreamed of. After we finished visiting the exhibitions, we went to the gift store and bought Pippa a few books and puppets so we could play with her.

We stopped at the café so we could grab a drink and let Pippa feed, and while we waited for her to be done, we discussed what we wanted to do while we were still here and what we would need to get done before leaving for Coachella. About forty minutes later Pip finished feeding and after we made sure we had everything, and she was buckled back in her carrier we made our way to the car and headed home.

Tonight, was bath night and it was Y/N’s turn, while she was busy bathing the baby, I handled the laundry we had definitely been neglected these last few days. I had just finished putting away the last of my t-shirts and changed into some sweats when the bathroom door opened and out came my girls, I smiled and went to grab Pippa from her arms and kissing her cheek multiple times, “Hi little bug, oh you smell so nice! Did you thank mumma for your bath?”

Y/N smiled and went to the closet to change into some cozy loungewear, when she came out, we headed downstairs for our evening routine. Rain had started to fall since we got home which had us cooking some Minestrone soup and garlic bread for dinner and while everything was ready, we sat down in the living room, Pippa was laying on my knees and Y/N cuddled to my side and started playing with her tiny hand.

There was a question that had been nagging me since we ran into Matthew a few hours ago, and truly I did not want to ruin our day, but I knew that if I kept quiet it would not be good, so I took a deep breath, kissed her forehead and half whispered to her, “It was him, wasn’t he?”, after a few moments of silence I felt her nod her head.

I swallowed the lump of anxiety I could feel was stuck in my throat before speaking, “Do you… do you want to talk about him?”, she nodded again before whispering, “Let’s eat and put her to sleep and then we’ll talk okay?”, now it was my turn to nod and kiss her head in reassurance while she cooed at the baby who was enthralled with the attention that she was getting from her mumma.

August 20, 2015

Boston, Massachusetts. 2:45 PM

My plane had just landed and the only thing I really wanted to do was run to Matthew’s apartment. He had been in Washington for the whole summer working, we had been able to see each other a few times but truly it had not been enough.

After that first date back in February we had continued to see each other until he asked me to be his girlfriend in April. May brought the end of the semester and a few tears with a promise to see each other during summer and a much-awaited reunion in August. Once I got out of the plane I ran across the airport and picked up my bags in baggage claim, ordered an Uber and made my way to the dorms.

I dropped my bags and decided to take a shower before leaving to see him; however, a knock on my door had me furrowing my brows and quickly running to open it, when I did, I found Matthew standing there, a bouquet of daffodils in his hand and a smile adorning his face.

I smiled before letting him in and pulling him into a hug, “What are you doing here?”, he kissed the top of my head multiple times before muttering, “It’s been too long Birdie, I missed you and couldn’t wait”, I smiled and nuzzled into his arms before kissing his pec and pulling back a little, “I missed you too hot stuff”

February 13, 2022

London, England. 7:30 PM.

After we finished eating dinner and cleaning the kitchen Harry said good night to Pippa and I headed upstairs, I sat down in the loveseat in our room and started feeding her; as I did, I took the time to grasp the fact that she now was two months old, her personality was definitely showing through, and she is starting to look like a complete mix between Harry and me.

After a feeding, a diaper change and a little sway and kisses she was fast asleep, I settled her into the cot, turned on the monitor and headed downstairs to meet Harry, I smiled when the smell of apple and cinnamon filled my nostrils, and my suspicions were confirmed when I entered the kitchen and found him brewing some apple cinnamon tea.

When he saw me come in, he smiled and handed me the big cup we had made a few years back during a pottery class, it was definitely well loved and held a lot of memories. We turned off the lights in the kitchen and settled in the T.V. room, the fire was on, and soft music played throughout the speakers.

And as we sipped our tea, I took my sweet time studying Harry’s look; there was something bothering him, and he was conflicted about it too. I could bet it had to do with Matthew and the run-in we had today, but as I had learned with Cece my therapist, I would need to let him speak and not pressure him to do so.

We sat there in silence for a few before he spoke up, “Were you shocked?”, I turned to look at him, “Hmm?”, he gave me a small smile, “Matthew, were you shocked you ran into him?”, I sighed and nodded, “Very”, he nodded too before taking a sip of his tea.

March 25, 2016

Boston, Massachusetts. 9:00 PM

After unlocking the door, I was met with the pleasant smell of Bolognese pasta and my favorite chocolate cake. Soft music was heard through the whole apartment and Matthew’s humming made me smile. After dropping my bag and keys, I removed my shoes and made my way to the kitchen.

I smiled when I saw him finishing plating our dinner, “Hi darling”, he turned and gave me a smile before dropping the plates on the table, “Hi Birdie! Happy birthday!”, he walked to where I was standing and pulled me into a hug, “Thank you babe”, once we pulled back, we made our way to the kitchen where I was welcomed by the smell of Italian food, a personal favorite at the moment.

I was distracted with dinner before Matthew cleared his throat; when I turned, I smiled at him, he was standing there with a big bouquet of daffodils and a gift bag in hand, we both started walking and met halfway, after he handed me my gifts, he kissed my temple before I pulled him into a hug.

Once we pulled back, he started cooking again and I went in search of a vase to put my flowers, while fixing them I spoke up, “Thank you for the daffodils, they’re so beautiful Momo”, I turned and gave him small smile which he returned and continued to serve dinner. I helped him bring the salad and bread to the table while he carried our pasta plates.

And as the soft music played, we started eating and catching up on everything we had missed about each other since the last time we had seen each other two days ago. Being a junior and trying to finish getting all credits while working on projects was very tiring, but I knew at the end it would be worth it.

After we finished dinner Matthew picked up our dinner plates, I was pulling out the dessert plates while he went into the fridge, when he turned, he had a small chocolate cake in his hands; and after he placed it on the table and lit up the candle, we both sang ‘Happy Birthday’, and just before I blew out the candle, he told me to make a wish.

So, I closed my eyes, placed my hands over my heart and made my wish, I wish for a life of adventures, love, and happiness, I opened my eyes again and blew out the candle while he clapped for me.

February 13, 2022

Harry. London, England. 7:30 PM.

A million thoughts ran through my head; was the surprise good or bad? Either way why was she so quiet? Did she miss him? Did she love him still? No, please no, I wouldn’t be able to handle that. Alice had told me that I shouldn’t keep quiet my fears and doubts, but the question is, am I willing to learn the truth and live with it?

She squeezed my hand before asking, “Hey, what’s in your head? Talk to me, yeah?”, I nodded, sat up straighter and turned to look at her, “I know you have told me about your story with Matthew, but I have always felt like there was a part of it that you kept quiet, and I never tried to peak into it”, she nodded, and I took a deep breath.

“But I want you to trust me, to share it with me; I want to know you, what lead to your breakup and what I can learn from it to make our relationship, if you want us to have one, better”, she smiled, “You got me physically naked already and now you’re getting me emotionally naked huh?”, we both laughed at her comment because technically, it was true.

She reached in for my hand and squeezed it before pulling it up to her lips and kissing it and then lowering to her lap, “I agree with you, and you are right, I didn’t give you the whole story, but I need you to know that it had nothing to do with me not trusting you, but with the fact that I was hurt and grieving still”

I nodded before asking her, “Did you ever stop grieving?”, she smiled a little and nodded, “I did, actually”, I smiled, “When?”, “The day I flew to LA to meet a certain singer who had been busy traveling the world, I think you know him?”, a mischievous smile on my face when I answered her, “I may know who you are referring to”, we both laughed before she cleared her throat.

“I’m not going to lie , Matthew was someone really special in my life; you already know how we met and how we started dating”, I nodded, a melancholic faraway look took over her face, “He was my first in so many ways; first love, first kiss, first time, he was the first one to help me pull out of my comfort zone”, there was a feeling at the pit of my stomach I couldn’t identify but I hoped it would disappear soon while she continued to talk.

“Everyone loved him; for my parents he was the perfect future husband: a young handsome guy with a nine to five job, that was a philanthropist on his free time and played tennis at the club and who never missed Sunday Service and Brunch. For me, a guy who didn’t undermine me for our age difference, even if it wasn’t that much and who always said that if I wanted to work I could, or if I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, he would support it too”

Okay now I understood why she had kept so much private about her relationship to him, and God I wished I would’ve stayed quiet, but if we wanted to learn and be better, I would have to. As if she could read my mind she quietly said, “This is why I was so reserved on talking about it, because you are probably overthinking the situation”

I laughed while nodding my head before clearing my throat, “I really don’t want to be cross or rude, but I really don’t find other way to ask a question”, she nodded and I continued, “If he was so perfect, what happened?”, I saw her lip quiver and tears start to line up her lash line, my heart started beating too fast before I reached to pull her into a hug.

Once she was safely in my arms I kissed her neck before whispering, “Baby no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry”, she shook her head and sniffled, “No, don’t apologize”, she pulled back a little and I grabbed her hand and started running my finger down her knuckles, “Harry, before I continue I need you to know that you are the first person I have ever told this to, not even my siblings know”

My mind started running with the worst-case scenarios, but I had an inkling on what she would say, she blew her nose before continuing to speak, “Matthew and I, we never labelled our relationship; yes when people asked if we were dating we said yes and I referred to him as my boyfriend and him to me as his girlfriend, but there was never a lot of fuss around what we were, the only thing we knew for sure was that we loved each other”

I nodded and continued to run my finger over her knuckles while she continued talking, “Once I graduated college we moved to New York together, we were renting this little apartment in the West Village and life was good, I started working for Vogue while he was working at one of the top financial companies” I nodded.

“We had started discussing what were our common goals, we both agreed we wanted to get married, have babies and maybe move to the Upper Side of Manhattan and raise them there, but the answer was always ‘in a few years down the line’, until one day I found myself with a missed period for two weeks and anxiety crawling out of my throat waiting for the test to finish loading”

What? I was not expecting that, and I bet my face could tell how shocked I was because she let out a half chuckle before continuing, “I think it is safe to understand the result the test showed given the situation we are currently in, but that result lead us to a conversation on how ‘a few years down the line’ could be kept for moving and babies, but not for marriage”

She let out a laugh at the shock I bet was displayed all over my face, this was all too much too soon but I was glad we were talking about it, I cleared my throat and spoke up, “He proposed?”, she shrugged her shoulders before answering, “I mean he did not get down on one knee and said the words ‘Will you marry me’, but there was love; we decided we loved each other enough to share a forever together and then he gave me a ring”

I nodded in understanding still processing what I was hearing, “ However the words ‘we really don’t have to make a big deal of this’, and ‘maybe we should keep it to ourselves for a while’ were involved, which at the time seemed to be a comfort, when in reality it should have been a sign”, I gave her a half chuckle and cleared my throat, “How… how long were you two engaged for?”

“Three months, first month and a half was as if nothing had changed, then came the letter to Edinburgh”, I furrowed my brows, “Edinburgh?”, she nodded, “He applied to study a master’s at the University of Edinburgh, when he first told me about it, I even started looking onto programs for me, but I never found one that fulfilled me”

“I still remember the day the letter came, we had just returned from visiting my parents and there it was, sitting in between bills; I still remember how happy he was and how proud he felt of himself, and I did too, I knew how much he had worked for it, but as the excitement of acceptance washed off and reality of what this move meant crashed, I knew deep down what would eventually come”

June 26, 2017

New York City, New York. 8;45 PM

Thunder, rain, and lightning had overtaken the city over the last few hours, the only source of lights coming from the candles I had lit up a while ago. Boxes were staring to line the hallway, and it seemed they were mocking me, knowing what was about to happen.

A key turning inside the lock pulled me out of my thoughts and made the dread wake up again, he went into his routine, closing the door, dropping his keys in the bowl, removing his shoes, and walking to the kitchen where he leaves his work bag.

A few seconds later he appeared at the living room entrance giving me a smile, “Hi Birdie, how was your day huh?”, the nickname was enough for me to start tearing up again, he started making his way to sit next to me, I answered quietly, “Hi Momo, it was good”

He furrowed his brows, “Birdie? What’s going on huh?”, a small sob left my mouth before I covered my eyes and let the tears fall, he placed his hand in my back and started rubbing it, “Birdie… come on”

After I cried for what felt like an eternity and clearing my tears, we sat there in silence, Matthew’s hand not stopped running down my back, I took a deep breath and prayed to the heavens that the correct words would leave my mouth, “I have been thinking a lot in the last few days, about us, the pregnancy scare, the engagement, Edinburgh”, he nodded.

“And I have found myself feeling conflicted every time the reality of what this all means”, he cleared his throat, “Conflicted?”, I nodded and sniffled, “Matthew, I’m not ready”, he squeezed my hand, “We still have a few months Birdie, everything will be okay yeah?”

Silence. An uncomfortable silence I have never experienced, I started toying with the ring that had been sitting on my finger, but instead of feeling joy I felt dread, I dropped my hands before turning to the window and started talking again.

“I know I was the one who said we shouldn’t make a big deal and we should also keep it quiet; I really thought it had to do with us enjoying the moment, but there was always something there, at first I thought it was because of all the newness this would entitle, but truthfully as the weeks have gone by, the uneasiness has grown”

I sniffled, “And I’ve come to realize that… that I’m not ready for it all”, he whispered, “What?”, I sniffled again, “I’m so sorry Matthew, but I’m not ready; this is all coming too soon too fast, and… and I don’t feel the same excitement or dreaminess I felt a few months ago when we talked about it”

Matthew nodded, a solemn look in his face, “And us?”, oh God, a sob left my mouth while I reached to squeeze his hand, “Matthew, you are so special, so unique, you have brought me so much joy, happiness; you showed me a world I didn’t know and for that I love you, and I’m so thankful for you”

A sad smile started adorning his face, a squeeze returned to my hand, “But you’re not in love with me anymore huh?”, I couldn’t look him in the eye while I nodded, a sob leaving my mouth while he pulled me into a hug swaying and shushing while I cried whispering how things were okay.

When we pulled back, he started clearing my tears, while I apologized, “I’m so sorry Matthew”, a smile adorned his face, “Why Birdie? You were honest and your feelings are so valid; I will not lie, it hurts, and I will probably be sad for a while, but everything will be okay, yes?”

I shook my head, “How can you forgive me so easily?”, he kissed my cheek, “Because I love you, and you are special to me, and I’m so grateful we got to share so much and before you start thinking I hate you I don’t, Birdie you’re young, you deserve to live your life, not the life I want or your parents want”

“And if that is not next to me, it is perfectly fine, I just hope that one day we can run into each other again I hope you tell me that your life was everything you wanted it to be, okay?”, I nodded and sniffled, “Thank you Matthew”, he smiled, “Thank you Birdie”

February 13, 2022

London, England. 7:45 PM.

“I moved out the next week into the apartment we now live in, we didn’t keep in touch after that, but it took me a few months to be other the heartache”, Harry sat there a serious look on his face, “And then?”, I smiled.

“And then, I fell in love with my life again, continued to work in free-lance projects, until I landed a very picky client, he’s a pretty famous singer”, he smirked and pretended to think, “I think so, care to tell me more about him?”, I laughed before continuing.

“Well, he hired me to help him with his album, and somewhere along the way we fell in love; but sadly, one day we broke up, and heck was I felt with a broken heart. I had started to learn about living without him, until one day a little tiny plus sign changed our lives forever, and now we are trying to raise a baby and getting to know each other again; after all I never fell out of love with him”

The smile on his face made everything worth it, he reached and pulled me in for a kiss, a kiss that was everything I needed at the moment, I hear you, I love you, thank you for trusting me, when we pulled back, he smiled at me before whispering, “Thank you for sharing this with me, I feel honored that you trust me enough”

“I do Harry, and I want for this to work for us to be together; frankly we both know that if we were to co-parent, we would do It awesome, but I love you and I want to have a relationship with you”, he ran his knuckles down my cheek, “I do too baby, more than anything I want you”

February 14, 2022

Harry. London, England. 4:30 PM.

I had just finished burping Pippa while Y/N was getting ready, my mum was finishing setting up in the guest room; she had agreed to come stay with us for a few days because she missed her granddaughter and future daughter-in-law, a comment that had me laughing every time she told me.

When I heard someone come down the stairs I smiled when I saw it was my mum, she smiled as she started walking to where I was standing with Pippa in the kitchen, “Hi mum, everything okay?”, she nodded and reached for Pippa, after I handed her the baby, she started kissing her forehead.

“Pippa you need to ask your daddy when will he ask your mumma to be his girlfriend again huh? Say ‘Daddy Nana wants to call her daughter in law”, I laughed before turning to the door to check if she was near before leaning in to whisper, “Baby tell your Nana it will be soon, like soon next week” I winked before pulling back while my mum danced a little.

I laughed and turned when I heard footsteps come down the stairs, I walked out of the kitchen to meet her, she looked so beautiful, once she reached the main floor, I pulled her in for a kiss and whispered against her lips, “Well it seems I’m the luckiest man this Valentine’s Day” she laughed before giving me an eskimo kiss before whispering, “Hi handsome”

We started making our way to the kitchen where my mum was finishing her tea, she smiled and walked to Y/N and handed her the baby so she could give her a cuddle before we left, my mum took a sip of her tea before speaking up, “So, what are your plans today loves?”

I smiled before answering, “We have an appointment for a painting class with a friend of Gemma’s and then we have dinner plans; is Darren still planning on coming over?”, she nodded and smiled, I was happy to see my mum falling in love again, Y/N made her way to stand next to me while my mum gave us a questioning look.

“Are you two sure you have no issue if he comes?”, we both shook our heads before Y/N spoke up, “Anne you deserve to have your date, it is the least we could do after you agreed to babysit”, my mum smiled, “I missed my girl, so this makes me happy. I’m just glad he can be here with us too”, I smiled, “Mum dinner is on me and don’t even try to fight it okay?”

She rolled her eyes and nodded while making her to where we were standing saying goodbye to Pippa, “Bye baby, be good for Nana yes? We’ll see you in a few hours”, after we kissed her forehead once more, we gave her back to my mum and grabbed our coats and masks before making my way to the van.

The drive to the little art studio took about twenty minutes, we got out of the car and walked to the white door before ringing the bell, and while we waited for, I pulled my girl into my arms and started cuddling her and kissing her forehead, and in return she kissed my pecks, we pulled back a little when we heard the lock turn.

When the door opened, I smiled, the brunette had not changed through the years, she smiled before excitedly saying hello, “Harry! It’s so good to see you!”, I smiled and moved from Y/N so I could pull the brunette girl into a hug, “Sadie! It’s been so long”, once we pulled back, she turned to look at Y/N and smiled, “Hi! You must be Y/N, I have heard so many good things about you from Gemma”

Y/N smiled and pulled Sadie into a hug before telling her, “It’s so nice to meet you Sadie, I have also heard so many good things from Gemma”, she smiled and motioned for us to come in, we removed our coats, but she told us to leave our shoes on to prevent accidents and we started following her when she spoke over her shoulder

“By the way, congratulations on Pippa’s birth, Gemma showed me a picture and I died, she’s gorgeous”, we both smiled and thanked her before she stopped in her kitchen and turned to smile at us, “I might have a little surprise for you two from a little birdie”, from the distance you could see the fairy lights inside the greenroom.

I laughed while shaking my head as we followed her to the backyard where I could see a little greenhouse, “I’ll thank Gemma later”, she grinned and nodded before opening the door to the greenhouse, inside the first thing you could see was a long table full of little remnants of arts and crafts, in the back corner there were big racks where different clay figures were sitting, two cabinets full of material were hidden in the back wall and along the right side you could see painting hung up to dry.

When we got in, we noticed that Sadie had set up two canvases opposite of each other and an array of paint colors I bet there were colors I didn’t even knew existed. On the ither side there was an ice bucket with a bottle of sparkling apple juice chilling and a picnic basket with some paninis, chips, fruit, and chocolate.

I smiled as I watched Y/N take in everything before giving Sadie a smile, “This is so beautiful Sadie!”, Sadie smiled and cleared her throat, “So, there is a speaker on the table so you can play your music, and I will go inside. I left a little book with some pictures so you can get ideas on what to paint or you can leave it to your imagination; if you need me you can click on that doorbell and I’ll come, otherwise I will see you two in a few hours”

We both thanked her and waved as she left the room before settling down and getting ready to paint, while I was looking at the book for inspiration she cleared her throat, which had me looking up to her, she smiled before speaking up, “I have an idea for our paintings”, I nodded and placed the book in the table to give her my whole attention.

“Let’s paint something that represents a happy memory for us”, I smiled, “Just one?”, she laughed, “But it cannot be around Pippa, let’s think, like really think about everything”, I smiled and nodded, and while I opened the bottle of wine, and she unpacked the food I raked through my mind on what I wanted to paint.

And as we sat down, I got the perfect inspiration, I cleared my throat before asking her, “Know what you will paint?”, she nodded and grabbed her brush to start painting, I pressed play in my phone, and we started painting.

It had been about fifteen minutes before Y/N called my name, “Yes baby?”, she let out a shuddering breath, “Can I… can I ask you something?”, I nodded, “Did you and Olivia, uhm, ever discuss the future?”, I dropped my brush before turning to look at her, “What do you mean?”, she shrugged, “Like, did you two ever discuss marriage, having your own children? Like it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it”

“No, no, it’s okay darling, I understand, and we did promise we were going to be honest with each other”, she nodded, and I sighed, “I made it clear since the beginning that before we ever thought of the future, things regarding Otis and Daisy would have to be settled with Jason, she wasn’t too happy about it but agreed”

“When Jason and her were able to work something out for the time being we started discussing moving in, truth I wasn’t too sure, Otis and Daisy were getting used to this new arrangement, I still remember one day Daisy asked me to call her dad because she missed him and it broke my heart, funnily enough, the day I found you in L.A. we were discussing the fact that she wanted to move in but I didn’t want to”

She nodded and squeezed my hand, which I took as a sign to continue, “Marriage was not on the table, I was busy touring and she still had to settle with Jason, and kids were ever only brought up when she had that scare last year, and we know how that ended”, she cringed at the memory and I kissed her knuckles before speaking up, “So yes, there was some talk, but nothing too serious”

She nodded and I cleared my throat, “Baby everything okay? Where is this coming from’”, she nodded, “Well… no, I guess I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with Matthew and your relationship with her, and… I don’t know”, I squeezed her hand once more before kissing her knuckles, she sighed before talking, “I cannot help but compare myself to the Y/N that broke up with Matthew all those years ago, and how karma did reach me when I broke up with you over falling in love with Olivia”

I nodded solemnly letting her know I was listening, “If I told the Y/N that was sitting in her first NYC flat that things would improve after her break up, then go to shit again and then shift so much, she would laugh; because truly my life has been so unexpected and what I needed but wasn’t sure I did, and I know that it sounds like a complaint but it isn’t, I’m still trying to understand everything, and well truth is that every time things come up in therapy I stir the pot”

I smiled a little, but there was something in her eyes that told me she wanted to say more, “Darling, what’s bothering you still?”, she laughed before speaking up, “You’ve always known me too well… I guess I have a confession to make, and I’m scared of how you will react and the floodgates it will open”, I furrowed my brows, but she beat me before I could speak up, “I saw the ring H”

My heart stilled and I whispered, “What?”, she smiled a little, “I was putting away your laundry from set, from the two weeks you were away due to the Covid case, and all of your underwear were not fitting perfectly, so I reached in to see what was going on and found the box”, I gave her a nervous laugh and she cleared her throat, “I thought you were acting the way you were because you were going to propose, and God how different it turned out to be huh?”

I nodded and she squeezed my hand before taking a sip of her wine and clearing her throat, “Wow okay this feels loaded now and I do want to continue talking about it, so why don’t we finish our paintings and once we do, we’ll show each other and continue yes?”, I nodded and reached in to pull her for a kiss, okay maybe two and then we continued painting.

February 14, 2022

London, England. 6:00 PM.

I knew what i wanted to paint since we arrived at the studio, and I was very excited Harry was so onboard with it. As we were painting, and conversation started flowing I realized we still had a lot to discuss but we needed to decompress a little before we could continue talking. I had just finished putting on the finishing touches to my painting when H cleared his throat and let me know he was done too.

I smiled before speaking up, “What if we showed our painting at the same time?”, he nodded and grabbed his canvas before clearing his throat, “On the count of three yes?” I nodded, “One… two… three!”, we both turned our canvases, and we started laughing. Because right in front of our eyes I found that we had both painted something related to the same memory.

Harry had painted the landscape of the hill where the house we stayed during our visit to Sorrento, while I had painted the hill and the ocean because we both knew we weren’t professional, his eyes lit up when he came to the realization and he let out a laugh, “Really? Same memory?”

I nodded and grinned, “Guess we really loved it huh?”, he nodded before reaching for my hand and squeezed it, “It was a very special trip and time baby, it was magic and bliss”, I reached from across the table and pulled him into a kiss before whispering against his lips, “It really was”, he smiled before pulling me into another kiss.

While the painting dried, we started munching on the contents of the basket and continued to talk, I was finishing my panini before he cleared his throat, “Should we… uhm should we continue the conversation we left off?”, I nodded and swallowed before speaking up, “Just promise me, that this won’t cause a fight between us”, he reached in for my hand and kissed it before speaking up, “Uncomfortable topics will make us have a better communication okay?”

I nodded and cleared my throat, “I have trouble understanding why would you buy an engagement ring if you weren’t sure”, he sighed, “I bought the ring a year into our relationship”, my heart stopped, “What?”, he smiled, “Funnily enough, during the Sorrento trip, while you were busy baking and cooking and learning Italian with Giuseppina, I was visiting jewelry stores”

I nodded and he continued talking, “I wanted to propose right then and there, but I knew it would be too soon, so I decided to wait, and wait, a year later we were both in our projects and on top of our careers that I thought 2021 would be a better year to get married, but… yeah”

I chuckled, “We both know what happened”, he nodded, I sniffled and cleared my throat, “If you were so set on us… on us getting married, why Harry? Why break my heart like that?”, he reached in and pulled me in for a hug, where he let me cry for a few moments before he pulled back started caressing my cheek and speaking up.

“Everything was good, yes we had our fights and we made up, we shared our dreams, goals and aspirations, and for the first time, ever, I felt complete peace, I was truly happy, because I had found my better half and yes I know it sounds cheesy but is the truth, you balance out my perfection and I do my best to uplift your confidence, you help me see the good in everything and I help you remember how beautiful and charming and incredible you are”

I smiled while he continued to speak, “It was finally starting to feel real, it was sinking that sooner rather than later I was going to ask my best friend to marry me, that we would start a new chapter of life together, have some babies, and live until we were old together, and as exciting as that was, the realization was also hitting; how could I, a child of divorced parents keep a healthy relationship and marriage together?”

I squeezed his hand before whispering, “You are not your parents H”, he nodded, “I know that now, but at the time I didn’t, and my insecurities got the best of me”, I squeezed his hand, “Baby how long had you been feeling that way?”, he shrugged, “A few months, I was planning to propose on the anniversary of you moving in with me”

I nodded while he continued, “But then filming started, and I formally met Olivia and Chris and met again with Florence and Gemma, and you were here and everything was great, until one day the compliments started flowing, ‘Great job H, better than last time but we will roll it again’, ‘Harry the dancing? Impressive I’m so glad you agreed to it’, and we then moved to ask for my imput on shots, what emotions should we convey”

He sighed, “Then after we came back from our break from the Covid case she seemed even more excited than before to see me, and there were subtle details like a coffee just how I ordered it in my trailer, some lunch a few days and when the cast and crew got together she always made sure I was there for the important discussions and the thoughts and opinions got back to my higher up management which was a win-win”

I bit my lip and nodded a little before he continued, “I guess at the time I was loving getting that attention, and slowly I was expecting those details, because I started to see that this was not because of my acting but for me; I would be a hypocrite if I said that I didn’t love the attention I was getting, and after breaking up I used it as an excuse”

He squeezed my hands, “A few months later I realized that I had confused being needed by someone to being wanted by someone; because unconsciously I needed her attention and her love to heal up the pain I was feeling from our breakup, but truly I wanted all of you, your heart, your best and worst, your thoughts, and above all your love”

I sniffled before speaking up, “I really thought you had feelings for her”, he nodded, “I cared for her, and I was appreciative of her helping me deal with what I was feeling, but I didn’t love her”, I nodded, “You didn’t come for me”, he gave me a sad smile, “I did”, I furrowed my brows, and he ran a hand down my cheek

“I flew to New York after Jeff and Glenne’s wedding, I was determined to get you back, and I remember standing outside your door about to knock until I let my fears get the worst of me, like how on Earth would I explain to you what I was feeling without hurting you even more? And if you did forgive me, how would I be able to make it work? like I said, I realized I didn’t have the best examples; so, I didn’t knock and left”

I gave him a sympathetic look, “Harry…”, he smiled, “I am better, therapy has done wonders and I know I am not them and I am only responsible for my actions and not theirs; and I do get to choose and learn from them”, I nodded and smiled in agreement, “but there is one thing that will never change: the fact that I am choosing you; I am choosing Pippa and I am choosing the life we will build together” I gave me a timid smile and nodded, “I am choosing you and Pippa and our future life too”

February 25, 2022

Harry. London, England. 8:30 PM.

We had finished eating the past we spent all afternoon making, and while Y/N went and settled Pippa for the night I was cleaning up the kitchen and moved to the living room, I could hear some steps behind me before she spoke up, “She went out like a light” I smiled and patted the space next to me in the couch.

She gave me a smile and started cuddling her and kissing her forehead while she sighed in contentment, we pressed play in the movie and ate our sweet treat my mum had left for us. There has bene something on my mind for the last few days and especially since her and Pippa would fly back to the US pretty soon.

That had caused a fight between us, but I understood that it would be the best for Pippa, and in turn I would definitely push to be back soon with them. Once the movie finished, we sat up and stretched she turned to look at me and tapped my nose before asking me “What is on your head baby?”

I smiled, “I have been thinking about a lot of things, but above all about how much we have both grown and above all, how much I love you”, she smiled and squeezed my hand, “I love you too”, after a few seconds in silence before I blurted out, “Be mine”, she sat up straighter, “Sorry?”, I smiled and squeezed her hand, “Will you be my girlfriend?”, she smiled and gave me an apprehensive look.

“Harry, how can I be sure you won't pull a freak out again? Because I must remind you, now it isn't just me but her too”, I nodded and understood where she was coming from, that is why I had something planned, I reached into my jacket and pulled out a box, handed it to her and asked for her to open it, when she did tears were filling the corners of her eyes before she let out a wet chuckle and whispered, “My necklace”

I cleared my throat, “Turn it around”, she furrowed her brows but followed my instruction, a choked sob left her mouth once she did, because the inscription had changed from To a promise of forever to read, To a promise of forever; cross my heart

She grabbed my cheek and pulled me in for a kiss, we pulled back and pressed our foreheads together before I whispered, “I know it’s not promise ring, but I need you to know, I held onto this until last month when I had to send it to add the new engraving”, she pulled back and sniffled before speaking up “What do you mean?”

I smiled, “Had Lamby add a small pocket in my concert and in normal outfits i always had it in my pocket, I couldn't part with it; like I told you last time, I screwed up, but I’m done thinking about the what ifs, I’m not wasting this second chance and as soon as you let me, I’ll marry you and we will think of when's”

She let out a wet chuckle, “You’re so sure I will say yes that you’re thinking about marriage huh?” I laughed and nodded, before she pulled in for a kiss before whispering against my lips, “Yes”, I pulled back and gave her a small smile, “Yes?”, she nodded before kissing me again, when we pulled back, she kissed my cheeks before saying “Let’s write the story of us”

March 4, 2022

Harry. London, England. 12:30 PM.

The tarmac was buzzing with planes getting ready to leave, Harry, Tommy and Jeff were finishing talking with the stewardess about our flight information; we had agreed that Tommy would fly with us and make sure we got home safe.

The last few days here had been spent visiting family, house hunting and above all enjoying the bliss of being able to tell people we were together again; I will always remember the happiness in Anne’s face when we told her, and Gemma was on her way to celebrating a party.

We had to tell my family and our friends back home through the phone, but the excitement was the same. Yesterday we had spent it packing and crying, Harry would be staying here for the next two or three weeks while I would return home and settle back into our routine. We both weren’t so happy about this but knew it was for the best, and that was enough to keep us both going.

The mood had significantly dampened since we left Harry’s house and made our way to the airport, the private terminal was empty which allowed for us to be a little more at ease. I had just hung up with Anne and Gemma and said goodbye again, Pippa was in her stroller sleeping, when she started stirring up a little, I placed her cover over the stroller, and I swayed it a little hoping to help her settle.

As I was putting my phone away, I saw Harry make his way to us, I gave him a smile and he gave me back a very small one, “Hi mister”, he sat down next to me and kissed my temple, “Hi sweetheart, everything is set”, the knot in my belly tightened, we waited for a few minutes before Jeff came to get us before he stopped in front of us and asked us, “Shall we?”

We both nodded, we stood up and Harry grabbed the stroller’s handle, while Jeff grabbed our bags and I grabbed my backpack, security helped us get to the plane and waited until Harry and Jeff were ready to leave, after storing the bags we wouldn’t need for the flight along with the stroller and car seat, Jeff and Tommy let us know they would confirm some things with the crew.

Jeff hugged me and he caressed Pippa’s head before wishing us a safe flight and walking away with Tommy, when I turned to see Harry my heart broke, he was sitting and cuddling Pippa to his chest while tears clouded his eyes, I kneeled in front of him and squeezed his knees, he closed his eyes and sniffled

“Baby…”, he shook his head before sniffling and speaking up, “I know we agreed to do what’s best for her, but that doesn’t mean I’m not devastated”, I kissed his knee before speaking up, “We always knew this would be hard my love, but we will always make things work okay? you’ll be back with us before you know it”, he nodded and then leaned to kiss her forehead multiple times before whispering to her temple.

“Please don’t grow up too fast Pip, daddy won’t be able to handle it”, Pippa let out a squeak which made us laugh, I hadn’t noticed I was crying until I tasted the salt on my lips, “She won’t, but I promise we will talk every single day yes?”, he nodded and then pulled me into a kiss, “I’ll miss you my love”, I smiled, “I’ll miss you too handsome”

He disembarked the plane but not before sending us a kiss, and once the doors closed and the plane started sliding around the tarmac, I started to breastfeed Pippa while whispering to her, “Everything will be okay baby, it’s just you and me for a while, yes? And then daddy will come home, and we will be very happy together”

Taglist @adoredeanna @alienorknight @be-with-me-so-happily @beachwoodcaferryy @behindmygreyeyes @cherrylovesblog @clarawolf22 @dayxoxodreamer @dirtytissuebox @futuristicpalacegardenpsychic @goldenlouvr @groovychaosavenue @harrysficreblog @harryspirate @hoya122 @imaginesofdreams @i-got-the-cinema @infinitely-yellow @irelilien @itsgabbysblog @itsgigikay @jgoff717 @kathy522 @kaitieskidmore1 @last-saturday-night @michellekstyles @msolbesg @qualitygiantshoepsychic @shawnsblue @spicyscorpsag @sunshinemoonsposts @tinydeskwriter @tinydestinybear @tpwkstyles1d @voosa @watercolorskyy @wherethehellhaveyoubeenharry

#harry styles x reader #harry styles imagines #dad harry styles imagine #the story of us #harry styles imagine #harry imagine #dad!harry #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles story #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fic #harry styles fluff

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ettawritesnstudies · 7 months

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do you have any overarching goals for your writing going into the next year ? yes i know i am a month early for new years resolutions but they are ON my mind !

Ok so my goal is to publish Runaways for October 31st 2025 because the story is set over Halloween/All Saints/All Souls and I desperately want to release it at the right time for all the "dark fantasy spooky season vibes" marketing, so the timeline looks somewhat like this over the course of the next 2 years.

Finish current draft by Tuesday of this week before my family comes for Thanksgiving and let it sit through the end of the month.

With the rest of NaNoWriMo, start writing companion stories for the anthology.

December: Do a second pass edit for this draft to make sure all the new scenes flow well together and the pacing isn't bad. Start asking for beta readers around the holidays

January 2nd, holidays done, send out beta drafts

February 1st, check in on betas, hopefully some of them are done??????

March 1st: check in on betas hopefully some of them are done?????

Through February and March finish the anthology project and edit the other prewritten stories

March 31st: break into betas houses and get my draft comments like the Duolingo Owl. Start editing.

April-June: Edit Draft 4 of the book? I have NO IDEA how much I'm going to have to fix. Depending on feedback this could be a complete rewrite that takes the rest of the summer or it could be as simple as a line edit. Hoping praying begging that it's on the less intense side. Recruit betas for the anthology.

End of summer idk: Shop for an editor, send book to editor. Pray. Edit the anthology myself

Fall 2024: Make the edits my editor gives me. Send the editor the anthology.

Winter 2024: do all the final editing and proofreading steps ASSUMING I don't need multiple more rounds of betas or major changes or an extra proofreading

Starting January 2025 I have a polished manuscript and start hiring artists for cover design and illustration and get it formatted.

(start writing the next thing)

Springtime 2025 the books are formatted and I research publishing process and upload them to sites to get the process rolling

Summer 2025: publication date announced, maybe run a Kickstarter or a preorder? Get proof copies, do all the final checks, source merch and goodies, start calling bookstores idk

Fall 2025: Ramp up all my marketing campaigns on Instagram and everything

Release date on October 31st

Do not stop do not pass go do not collect $200

Profit sell three books

Sleep for a million billion years.

(rinse and repeat)

#etta rambles #runaways

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thoroughlymodernminutia · 1 year

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A Wisp of Smoke - Chapter 1 (Mike Duarte x F!Reader)

Summary: An unconventional member joins the Bronx Gang Unit.

Word Count: 3364

Content Warning: This is mildly canonical but like not really, so if that bothers you, then I’d skip. Some physical description - gave hte reader some gray hair cause I'm old and I want to represent some old people lol. Edit that out of your mind if you need to. Foul language (if that bothers you?), Gang talk, coworkers who don’t like each other, this part I don’t think has anything that would be triggering, but if you feel differently I can update the warnings.

A/N: When I tell you that I started writing this in October…it means exactly that. This has morphed into something different than I was expecting and I imagine I will have to scrap some stuff I have written once the next episode airs, so this is EVOLVING. Who even knows what this will be about by the time it’s finished. God help me. If there are typos, I apologize - I proof read this a few times and i'm sure somewhere there is something wrong

UM, Minors probably shouldn’t read this but I’m not your mother.

—-

The thing about the subway is it takes time to understand the quirks—the nuances—of the subway lines you take. The majority of your time is taking one line to and from work if you’re lucky. You’ve been taking one train line for so long, you’re at 90% accuracy of predicting when something is about to go wrong. You like the routine of it—knowing if you get to the platform right at 8:01 AM you’ll only have to wait a minute before the train comes and you’ll get to work early. It’s an art and a science, but it takes practice. It’s why taking a job so far out of your usual subway line is annoying; you have to learn it all over again. It’s made even worse by having to switch to another line, if something goes wrong on that first leg of the commute, you’re fucked for the rest of it.

And today, you feel like you’re fucked. You leave your apartment like a parent leaving for the airport; panicking about the time and trying to make sure you have everything. You feel smug catching the subway right when it pulls into the platform and getting in a nearly empty subway car. The smugness fades when you transfer to another train that happily sits between stations for 30 minutes and then decides to switch to the express track. It’s not express for you though, of course. It puts you a good mile away from where you need to be, instead of the five blocks you planned for. The extra distance isn’t an issue, for once you might show up on time without having to walk around the block ten times. It is, however, unseasonably warm for February and now your coat is overkill. You stop and take it off, juggling your bag from hand to hand as you remove it. It’s insane, not even being able to feel cold in February in New York.

While you walk the unfamiliar sidewalks of the South Bronx you think about how this is your brother-in-law Tommy’s doing. You don’t even know how or why he’s sending you up to the Bronx as some kind of backfill in the Gang Unit. You aren’t a cop, so you have no idea why they’d want you up there. You feel like it’s going to look pretty strange, a senior analyst for the NYPD in the Intelligence Bureau, joining the Gang Unit. Gangs in the Bronx aren’t really on your radar; the majority of your time is spent juggling mostly empty threats against NYC. Analyzing the message boards and social media where people spew garbage 24/7. It’s weird to think that maybe this will be a break from that.

You do know a little about Duarte’s reputation. For as much as Tommy thinks gossiping is a female trait he certainly loves to partake in it. You heard all about the drama between him and Captain Benson–Tommy was almost gleeful when recounting it. You get the impression that like most men in the NYPD Duarte is only happy when he gets his way. You could be completely wrong, it’s not like Tommy is the most reliable narrator.

—-

The precinct looks different than you thought it would. You had imagined something along the lines of a bland box with windows, but this is a beautiful limestone building. Some of the stone work looks like it belongs in an Italian palazzo in the 16th century. The inside reminds you of an old library with the heavy wood furniture and dim lighting. It’s really quite something—all these disappearing architectural gems throughout all the boroughs. As you walk towards the Desk Sergeant you wonder how much longer it will be around before the city turns it into a glassbox citing progress in the neighborhood.

When you ask where you can find Captain Duarte you realize the charm seems to end with the interior and doesn’t really extend to the people. She looks like you’ve just ruined her day by speaking to her. She nods her head towards the stairs and says it’s the third floor. You thank her, thinking maybe that’s her problem, no one ever sounds grateful for her assistance. Halfway up the stairs you do consider turning around and walking right back down and out of the building. You suppress the urge; dealing with Tommy in the aftermath of flaking would probably be worse than whatever fresh hell is waiting for you a few flights up.

You duck into the bathroom when you get to the third floor and are relieved when you find it empty. You set your bag on the edge of the sink, and drape your coat over a stall door. You turn back to the mirror and give yourself a once over. You were going for an overall look of extreme competence so you went with all black. Black silk button down, black skinny jeans, black thick soled loafers. You think maybe you look like you’re about to attend a funeral—probably your own. You hike up your jeans a little and try to ignore how much your feet hurt. You look back up to your face in the mirror to check your makeup. It still looks good; your eyeliner is intact and hopefully giving the impression that you’re precise, detail oriented. Your hair looks fine, the gray pieces framing your face, glossy under the overhead lights. You used to hate that you started going gray fairly young; you must have spent thousands covering it up over the years. At some point you stopped caring and just let it be. It came with a fun bonus, men you worked with suddenly thought you were old and left you alone. You give yourself one last once over before washing your hands. As you grab your things and head out of the bathroom you run through the little information you have like you’re cramming for a test.

An officer shows you to Captain Duarte’s office and tells you that you can wait inside, that he doesn’t know when he’ll be back. It’s very you to think that you’re going to be late to something and be the person that ends up waiting. When the officer leaves you put your bag on one of the chairs and drape your coat over the back. His desk is neat and you don’t see much in the way of personal effects on it. There’s a few books and you’re tempted to go to the other side of his desk to get a better look, but restrain yourself knowing the moment you do, he will come walking in. You sit down in one of the chairs and wait.

—-

As Duarte approaches his office he can see you sitting inside. He had put your arrival out of his mind once McGrath had told him and seeing you now throws him off for a moment. He should be prepared, he only knows what McGrath told him. Although, he’s sure that since McGrath is the one who sent you here, the information isn’t reliable. When you get up and introduce yourself, his initial impression is that you’re prissy. The way your coat is folded over the back of one of the chairs. How you’re now clasping your hands in front of you. Your outfit, a far cry from the recently departed, hoodie-clad Muncy. He can’t tell what he hates more right now, the way you look or that you were foisted on him by McGrath.

Duarte closes the door to his office and turns back to face you.

“I don’t really know what you’re doing here. You have no gang—no actual police experience. I’d wager to say you’ve never used a gun. I don’t care about your intelligence experience. Frankly, you could single handedly bring down all gang activity in this city and it wouldn’t matter to me. If you think whatever relationship you have with McGrath is going to help you here, you’re wrong.”

It’s a lot all at once and you try to ignore the way he says ‘relationship’. As if you slept with Tommy to get you a job with the Gang Unit. If you’re going to sleep your way to a new job in the NYPD, it wouldn’t be for a mostly lateral position all the way in the Bronx. You can feel yourself about to do that thing where you match the energy that’s being directed your way. It’s great when the person you’re dealing with isn’t an asshole. But if they’re looking to take the low road, well you own a home there.

“I’m sorry, I must have blacked out. I think I missed a part where you said something like ‘I’m glad to have you on the team.’”

The look on his face tells you he was expecting you to be more yielding in your response. Maybe eight or ten years ago you would have been. You’re tired of minimizing yourself to make men in the NYPD feel better.

“If I felt that way, I would have said it. This is real shit we deal with, no one here has time to babysit you.”

“Well, I’ll just have to cut the crust off my own sandwich then, won’t I?” You try to keep your voice calm. “Look, I’m good at my job and whatever it is I’m supposed to do here, I’ll be good at that too.”

Duarte grabs a box off of his desk and thrusts it at you.

“I think you’re going to find your confidence is misplaced.”

You balance the box on your hip as you pick up your coat and bag from the chair. You consider not saying anything else, but when you get to the door you turn around and smile.

“I just have to say, this has just been so pleasant. Really looking forward to working with you.”

He huffs in your general direction before turning back to his desk. You know he’s setting you up for failure—not giving you a single inch already. He’s probably looking forward to watching you spin your wheels and flame out. If there’s anyone that can dig their heels in it’s you, so if he is looking for some kind of low level fight you’re ready.

—-

You’re unpacking the box at your desk when you see a friendly face standing at the desk across from yours. It could be Satan smiling at you at this point and you’d take it. You both introduce yourselves as he sits down.

“Should I call you Jordan or Williams? I know how much everyone in the NYPD loves going by their last name.”

“Ha! True. Honestly, either is fine.”

You pull another stack of files and a hard drive out the box and look at your computer for the time. When you see it’s barely 10AM you know it’s going to be a long rest of the day.

“Well, Jordan, can I ask you something?”

“Let me guess, your face is giving me, is he always like that?”

“Ha, yes that is the question.”

Jordan lets out a sigh, “It depends. He’s still pissed at McGrath I think. After he let Captain Benson snatch Muncy from us. And then Benson gets attacked, I don’t know, there’s a lot going on.” He pauses for a moment. “It’s fucked up, but he’s probably worried McGrath sent you up here as a spy or something.”

“What if he did?”

Jordan leans back in his chair and scans your face trying to determine if you’re telling the truth.

“Did he?”

You give Jordan a wry smile.

“No. But it will be fun letting Captain Duarte think so.”

You can’t help but laugh because it’s so dumb; that someone would think you were sent up here to spy. It seems like something Tommy would do—send someone up here to unknowingly spy for him. Tommy is an idiot, but you’re not.

Jordan chuckles as he shakes his head.

“I think it’s going to be good having you around.”

You both chat a little more and you’re able to get from him what you couldn’t from Duarte; what he’s actually looking for. You already had a feeling that he wanted to treat gangs like terrorist groups and your theory proves true. It also proves true that he wanted someone with your experience but who was also a detective. He must think Tommy short-changed him with you so he could have a person on the inside. At least now you have a clearer picture of why he hates you. You’d probably hate you too if you were in Duarte’s shoes.

You spend the rest of the morning going through everything Duarte gave you. It’s strange trying to apply everything you know to a completely new set of circumstances. You can already feel some doubt creeping in. Yes you’re good at your job—but this is not that. You think that Duarte probably views you as some interloper trying to use this as some kind of play to get ahead. Take credit for fixing a problem and leave behind other growing problems. It’s only partially true; you don’t care about taking credit for things but you are an interloper. It’s not like this is really your community; you don’t live in areas impacted by gang violence. You don’t have the depth and breadth of knowledge on the specific systemic issues that allow this type of thing to flourish. With counter-terrorism it always seems like a much broader issue where the violence impacts many, where gang violence only affects the few. It’s something that you feel like you’re going to be unpacking for as long as you’re here.

Duarte and Williams leave early in the afternoon. You don’t know if you were expecting Duarte to tell you what’s going on, but he doesn’t. He just gives you an annoyed look as he passes by your desk and you give him a tight lipped smile. You think back to this morning and wish you would have taken the high road and acquiesced to his running commentary of your lack of abilities. It’s the ‘relationship’ jab that’s bothering you the most for some reason—probably because it was so unnecessary. You wish you were the type of person that could just move on from comments like that but you’re not; it’s probably why your last relationship ended. So you know you’re going to hold on to that relationship comment much longer than necessary.

With Duarte gone you feel like you can finally relax; your shoulders drop and you take a few quiet breaths. You plug in the hard drive to your laptop and try to figure out where to start. When you first started with the bureau in counter-terrorism, it was overwhelming, but you quickly found your footing. It was a lot of research and developing counterintelligence reports. It was your job to plan, research, develop, and communicate in-depth analysis of targets, networks, and issues to key leaders in the department. You know how to plan and implement strategies based on a combination of information and gut feeling. At least here you won’t be starting entirely from scratch. You have your experience—and while this is a different set of circumstances you know what’s needed. You settle in and start familiarizing yourself with all the information you have.

You want to memorize the faces, the names, everything about the people in the files and computer in front of you. You know right now the focus seems to be BX9, but you also know as these groups collapse they splinter off or join existing gangs. You work on putting something together that you can leave for Duarte. The thought crosses your mind that if he doesn’t expect anything of you then why bother, but you have enough self respect to not do that.

—-

He sees you in his office as he comes into the squad room. He can see through the open blinds that you’re standing behind his desk, looking out of the window towards the street. He was hoping you’d be gone and that he wouldn’t have to deal with you again today. He just wants some fucking peace.

“Do you need something?” Duarte’s voice is quiet as he enters his office but he sees you jump a little in place at the sound of it. As you turn around and see it’s him you half smile. He recognizes it as the kind of smile that says you didn’t want to see him either. He thinks for a moment how this could have gone differently. How he could have been given someone qualified—a real detective. He wouldn’t have this generalized annoyance he’s been feeling since this morning.

“No, sorry. Was just leaving something on your desk.”

You brush past him as you say it and it breaks him from his train of thought. He watches you grab your things from your desk and then turn to leave. He sees you stop as Williams comes back to his desk. He watches as you say something to Williams but it’s not loud enough for him to hear. Whatever it was it must have been funny because Williams laughs. Duarte calls him into his office and he hears you say goodnight as you’re walking out of the squad room.

“You need something, Cap?”

“I want you to keep an eye on her.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I need to know if she’s—”

Williams cuts him off and shakes his head.

“I don’t think she’s like that if that’s what you’re getting at. I like her.”

“Good for you. Just do what I ask.”

“Aye, aye Cap.”

Williams turns to leave and Duarte closes the office door behind him. He goes over to his desk and opens the bottom drawer and pulls out a bottle of bourbon and a glass. It’s incredible how fucking exhausted he is every day. Every day since the subway attack in Manhattan has steadily been draining him. And then Benson getting attacked and her inserting herself into the investigation; he feels like everyone is coming at him from all sides. He feels like a tire slowly losing air. He uncorks the bottle and pours himself a drink and downs it before sitting in his chair.

He mulls over the decision the DA’s office made every single day. On the surface he understood the reasoning behind it. But deeper, he felt it was a mistake, a decision made for optics. A lie that Manhattan has rid itself of BX9. That only the poor fucks in the Bronx have to deal with them from now on. Well that went out the fucking window once Benson got kicked in the ribs. If she had listened to him instead of only thinking about her case it would be a different story. Instead he has two dead kids in Rikers and he’s hunting for more. He pours himself another drink while he tries to ignore the pressure building in his chest. He’s grateful for the nearly empty floor, the quiet.

He leans in his chair and notices a manilla folder on his desk; it has a post-it with his name on it scrawled in unfamiliar handwriting. Maybe you’re already resigning, it wouldn��t surprise him. He knows he wasn’t very welcoming. He has no desire, no energy to be—this job is all consuming. He grabs the file folder and opens it. Inside he sees you’ve put together a briefing based on all the information you went through. You seem to have analyzed what you view as gaps in the systems that are being used to monitor gang activity currently. You’ve even outlined the resources you’ll need. It’s not even entirely focused on BX9–you included other gangs in your briefing, gangs that weren’t included in the information he gave you. He feels a little sting of something reading through everything. He can’t tell if he’s impressed or irritated that you put this much together in a day. He realizes that he knows almost nothing about you, having put in almost no effort to find out. He closes the folder and starts making some calls. He wasn’t expecting so much from you on your first day.

#mike duarte x you #mike duarte x female reader #captain mike duarte x female reader #a wisp of smoke

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ikkaku-of-heart · 8 months

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FYI For October

So, I figure I should let people know that I might be on the lower end of activeness for the next month. It's nothing bad or anything, but I have the somewhat dubious honor of working in a city that is rather famous for witches and becomes a massive tourist mecca for Halloween basically from September 1st to November 1st. On one hand it's a cool place to be, but on the other it is utterly overwhelming and exhausting when you're dealing with it 4-5 days a week.

So while I love me some spooky stuff, with all the traffic, crowds, and work itself just being busy as heck (I'm working on some major projects and my coworker gave her notice yesterday so I'll likely be taking on her leftover work/training whomever we hire to replace her), I will most likely come home most nights too burnt out to do much writing. I'm going to try, of course, because I love RPing, but if I don't send in memes or respond to asks very quickly, it's not because I'm ignoring anyone. I am just tired lol.

I'm going to try and get some threads written and put into my queue. I'm also worried that Tumblr's notifications are still broken so I might start reaching out to people I know I've replied or tagged them in something if I haven't gotten any indication it's been seen. You are 100% free to do the same to me. Fingers crossed that notifications get somewhat fixed eventually.

#Time for Maintenance (OOC)#(I'm sure I will occasionally get bursts of inspiration and energy but for the moment assume I'm going to be pretty tired and lurking)#(plus I want to focus on getting my drafts more under control)#(I'll definitely admit I'm paranoid that I've missed some replies to stuff at this point)#(so if you've responded to a thread of ours recently and haven't gotten a like or message from me please let me know)

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amphtaminedreams · 1 month

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Sitting Front Row at my Big 10 of the Decade (Still on a Budget, Obviously): Lookbook No.21

HiIiIi,

If you are reading, thank you for continuing to have a mild passing interest in my nonsense in 2024!!

I want to start this post off by stating that it’s been 7 months since Israel’s genocide of Palestinians began. This isn’t to say what followed October 7th is a new phenomenon/that Israel began this offensive without having perpetrated violence against Palestinians in the past. I am talking about this unprecedentedly aggressive and relentless campaign specifically following the incident on 7/10. The Palestinian death toll at the time of writing is upwards of 30,000, though this figure only pertains to confirmed deaths. There is not one single hospital in Gaza still standing. The real number is likely even higher when we take this into account.

I know this is completely unrelated to the post my title suggests, and I know that this isn’t the only humanitarian crisis going on in the world, but this genocide is something that our government here in the UK and many other Western countries have played a clear-cut, active role in accelerating. With that being said, until we see the commencement of some meaningful intervention, I'll start every post this way. I’m sure 99% of people who come across my posts will scroll right on past but they might read the first few sentences before they do and this is something we can’t lose sight of.

Israel has purposely targeted journalists (in itself proof that if it was just Hamas operatives the IDF wanted to take out, they could have done that rather than indiscriminately bombing civilians for almost 6 months) so there seems to be fewer updates on the situation on social media, but it would be misguided to think the kind of atrocities we first saw circulating when the IDF began this particular campaign have slowed down. Many of the individuals who were exposing the horrific things that have been happening in Gaza and the West Bank are dead, and that is the awful reality. These independent journalists were our only window to the truth about what is happening, and in their absence, the mainstream media seem determined to maintain a kind of ambiguity which avoids directly attributing the mass murder to Zionist ideology. It is no surprise that the worldwide elite are so devoid of empathy as to condone Israel’s actions but I don’t think anyone thought it would stretch to them pushing the narrative that “a government murdering thousands of people is morally wrong” is a controversial, bigoted statement.

Yet here we are, being gaslit by the Western media and Israeli propaganda into believing that this mass slaughter of Palestinians is just part and parcel of “war”, a necessity in response to a great chaotic evil that represents a threat to Western society at large. The Hamas attack at a festival in Tel Aviv, Israel tell the world, was an unprecedented, inexplicable, unexpected attack by a group motivated purely by extremist ideology and hatred of Jewish people, who are barbaric for the sake of being barbaric, and that Palestinian people harbour these terrorists because they share the same hatred-fuelled beliefs. We’ve seen major media outlets worldwide spend the last 7 months bombarding us with this version of events, politicians with no explicit ties (their entirely predictable undeclared financial ones notwithstanding of course) to the region go out of their way to state criticism of Israel’s actions equates to resenting the defence of Jewish people’s safety; the absurdity of this rhetoric is that, much like the IDF’s bombing of the sites they suspect hostages are being held at, it does the exact opposite of what it claims to do. Promoting the idea that just by being Jewish one must have a stake in Israel’s existence, and the brutality over Palestinians this necessitates, points the finger at innocent Jewish people who have no ties to Netanyahu’s agenda and falsely asserts their complicity, fuelling antisemitism.

The media, owned and controlled by the elite group of individuals whose money undermines every part of our democracy, is not purporting Israel's narrative to uphold principles of truth or justice. If this were true, if mainstream journalism and politicians were interested in holding anyone to account, why in the years preceding this have major media outlets neglected to cover the oppressive tactics and violence used by the Israeli government in the 50 years leading up to 7/10? If they had been reporting on the kinds of human rights atrocities the state of Israel depends on, people would be much quicker to grasp the reality of the current situation.

The average person would quickly see through the claims that the Israeli government’s conduct since October 2023 has been an unavoidable, begrudged response to a terrifying and unexpected level of threat. They’d see this situation as it truly is: a long-awaited, and entirely predictable, press-ready justification to accelerate what is at best, a campaign of displacement of native Palestinians, and at worst, a prolonged Holocaust. The lack of context when our politicians discuss the issue is completely intentional, because if they were to acknowledge the events preceding the 7/10 attacks, the parallels to what happened to Jewish people during the Second World War would be crystal clear, and the hypocrisy would speak for itself. Any calls for a ceasefire only now that several European aid workers have been targeted would be seen as the nails in their coffins at the next election(s), representative of their disregard for those whose lives do not affect their political careers; if it had not already been made blindingly obvious by their domestic policies, the self-absorption, lack of integrity and empathy, insincerity and callousness of all but a handful of British politicians, has been laid bare for all to see. The same can be said of a staggering number of politicians across the “developed” world.

If we unilaterally came to this understanding, and furthermore, had some kind of collective awakening to the fact that mainstream media is only an extension of self-aggrandising, self-serving narratives built on lies of omission and deceptive framing which are purported by the same morally corrupt 1% monopolising big business and democracy, perhaps the figureheads of these institutions wouldn’t be so bold as to confidently justify their support of Israel’s actions. It is shit that you have to wade full of a river of crap to find anything resembling a factual, contextualised account of the truth, but this is the world we live in, and it is intentionally structured this way so the 1% can keep preserving their own interests regardless of the suffering it inflicts on others.

Here in the UK, if we weren’t so accustomed to lies, the rhetoric surrounding peaceful protestors which labels them as “antisemitic” would be laughable, rather than something the Prime Minister could stand on a podium outside 12 Downing Street and repeat with a straight face. But it is, of course, in his and many of his peers’ interest that we don’t take issue with their complicity in Israel’s ethnic cleansing. However much the continued shows of institutional deference towards the George Bushes and Tony Blairs of the world points to the life of a retired war criminal being a relatively cushy one, Biden, Sunak, Trudea, Starmer and many other morally abhorrent “public servants” don’t seem to want to abandon their ego trips just yet and clearly depend on public approval to maintain their leadership positions, hence their dedication to the Israeli government’s “self-defence” narrative. If we want to see them withdraw their support, we have to decisively, disruptively, consistently dismantle their lies. We have to make it known that our ego-stroking can quite easily be transferred to someone else who is, whilst probably equally undeserving of it, willing to push to stop Israel’s terrorisation of Palestinians. After all, the recent historically Labour voting constituents of Rochdale unexpectedly elected an independent candidate, a vocal critic of Keir Starmer’s pro-Israel stance.

The following is the fact-based truth which in this confusing af world is the very least we can extend to one another. Western leaders who fail to meaningfully fight for Palestine refuse to speak that language because it would undermine their regurgitation of the Israeli government’s simplistic, deceitful narrative to justify their support.

Israel’s attack of Gaza and the West Bank are illegal under international law. There’s a reason Keir Starmer, whose past career as a human rights lawyer would make him fully aware of that, chooses not to elaborate on the reasons for his pro-Israel stance. He, and other intelligent people like him, avoid accusations of hypocrisy by ignoring these simple facts. Whilst they purport the lie that Israel’s attacks on Gaza and the West Bank were ever permissible because they’ve been in “self-defence” in response to the Hamas attack of 07/10, this right to “self-defence” is negated by their obligation as the occupying force in Palestinian territory to uphold the safety of the civilians living there. Bombing Palestinians’ homes, schools, hospitals, their entire neighbourhoods, clearly violates this clause.

It also violates international law forbidding collective punishment, I.E the actions of Hamas, regardless of whether they democratically represent Palestinians, can never be responded to by way of violence against the demographic group the hostile force is associated with, even if they reside amongst them.

Though Israel’s attack on Gaza is predominantly referred to as a “war”, this is not a legitimate characterisation of events, acting only to suggest those Palestinian casualties voluntarily put themselves at risk. None of the criteria for Oppenheim’s definition of war are met; this decrees war as being a conflict between two forces intended for one force to impose their version of peace over the other. Not only do Palestinians in Gaza and the West Bank lack their own independent wing of armed forces akin to the IDF, but they are also already living under the conditions Israel have imposed upon them. If the argument to be made is that the Hamas attack was a disturbance of the peace in Israeli territory, then appropriate conduct suggests the IDF deal with the threat inside their territory, not to attack Hamas in Gaza and the West Bank. Whilst support for Hamas amongst Palestinians is understandable, based on their demands for liberation from oppressive Israeli occupation, it still does not constitute affiliation or responsibility for their actions. Targeting civilians in the absence of concrete evidence of involvement in Hamas perceived “act of war”, based on shared ethnicity with the group responsible, amounts to ethnic cleansing. Their deaths cannot be classed as “casualties of war”. The only disruptions of peace in the West Bank and Gaza are those incited by the unnecessary brutality of the IDF themselves, resulting from the reasonable fatigue of living under an oppressive regime.

All our support and arming of Israel has done is aid them in their violation of international law, which is to rid the Israel-Palestine region of the native Arab population, a far from elusive goal of theirs which began with the Nakba over 50 years ago. Israel’s conduct since October 2023 and the Western World’s complicity is far from a break with tradition.

From the state of Israel’s earliest inception, British war time mandate has been used to permit wealthy predominantly European settlers of Jewish descent to confiscate Palestinian property and belongings. Unsurprisingly, the British government were also heavily involved in the fragmentation of what is now the Israel-Palestine region. This fragmentation not only prevented Palestinian refugees returning to their land after the war, but also forced 750,000 of the Palestinian population who remained out of their communities, as 78% of the entire Palestine region was allocated to the growing Jewish settler population. Of the entire region which previously comprised of 90% privately-owned Palestinian property, the native Palestinian population were forced into the remaining 22% of land within the region, split between the two opposing shoreline zones of Gaza and the West Bank. They were forbidden from returning to their former homes, and from leaving their zone or the region altogether by military checkpoints. Whilst 900 new exclusively Jewish communities have been developed since Israel’s inception, not one new build community has been developed for native Palestinians, many of whom Israel still classify as “stateless” refugees. They are legally forbidden from returning to their ancestral homes, and physically confined to small enclaves where structural disadvantages, inevitable overcrowding and purposeful lack of access to natural recourses have created inevitable, inescapable pockets of poverty.

Though the Israeli government formerly suspended military rule in 1966, approximately 1,800 of laws that came under the mandate remain, and IDF forces remain even in the significantly smaller regions where Palestinians are permitted to reside in. Despite comprising 30% of the population, of all public land, 3% is now controlled by Palestinian authorities. Even in these Palestinian regions, even though it violates rulings of the Geneva Convention, Israelis are still free to develop their own communities.

To be clear: if any state can claim self-defence, it is not Israel. Over the last half century, they have stolen land, businesses, recourses, goods, and infrastructure from Palestinians. They have forcibly confined them into overcrowded, intentionally undeveloped townships where they use military powers to prevent them from leaving. They have responded to Palestinian dissent with brutal violence; water cannons, grenades, and tasers are all commonly used against peaceful protestors. They use indefinite confinement on childrenfor “crimes” as minimal as throwing stones, and refuse to abide by the internationally recognised proceedings necessary to ensure detainees a fair trial.

Unlike Israelis, Palestinians cannot leave their designated enclaves without (rarely granted) permission from Israeli forces. They cannot even leave the country without permission from Israeli forces. They cannot marry outside their zone without permission from Israeli forces. Acquire business permits. Obtain land. Move goods in or out of their designated zone. Those who stayed in Jewish territory when the new regional borders were drawn out, who had not fled during the war, were effectively forced into ghettos, and denied citizenship. Across the region, Palestinians are robbed of their self-determination, freedom and of basic human rights to recourses as basic as drinking water; Jewish farmers in the Jordan Valley, which takes up only 30% of the West Bank, are allocated 18 times the amount of water made available to Palestinian citizens across the entire West Bank.

In context, there are no “two sides”, no state of events where what is unfolding can be seen as a mutually agreed upon conflict between two free agents. Israel chooses to eliminate Palestinians, and all they are doing is attempting to survive. Their systematic oppression has left them disempowered to the extent that I am sure they would be aware of the amount of destruction Israel would inflict upon them if they did ever collectively declare their hostility.

Upwards of 30,000 Palestinians have been slaughtered in less than 7 months, and this is probably what they have always feared. What they likely did not expect was that something so horrific could ever be globally perceived as an event they are active participants in, or are reaping some benefit from.

We cannot possibly assume that every one of the thousands of Palestinians murdered by Israel, funded by American politicians, with weapons we have produced in this country and which our politicians have willingly provided, played any role in Hamas attacks. Even without context, the statistics do not reflect the typical pattern of casualties of war. Israel claims 10,000 fatalities, though they cannot produce any evidence of these numbers. By their own admittance, the fatalities they can confirm are predominately those of IDF soldiers. The story in Gaza is wildly different; 70% of the deceased are women and children. These are not fighters. They are predominantly mothers and children, the latter too young to what it even means to align themselves with a "terrorist" group. And even if they did. When peaceful resistance is repeatedly met with violence, resistance becomes violent. The formation of groups like Hamas are not novel phenomena, they are an inevitability of a population grown sick of being stepped on.

Hamas don’t claim to stand for gratuitous violence or the erasure of the entire Jewish population worldwide as the Israeli propaganda machine claim. There are many Israeli hostages who initially stated they were treated decently by Hamas operatives before criticism of Israel’s actions required a perpetuation of Hamas brutality, so as not to have Israel’s attacks deemed “disproportionate”. But regardless, let’s say the worst is all true. For a second, we ignore the context which makes Hamas existence entirely predictable. It still does not justify the violence of the Israeli government. Support for a fringe political group, however unreasonable their principles supposedly are, does not justify the group’s supporters’ murder.

Palestinians have been forced into ghettos, structurally bound poverty, robbed of their history and possessions, and now killed and starved en masse. The Israeli government is full of fervent Zionists who have always wanted the country to be rid of the native Arab population, and voted for by wealthy Israelis who, when polled, consistently express the view that Palestinians are inferior and unwelcome in their country (https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2016/3/10/poll-half-of-israeli-jews-want-palestinians-expelled). This isn’t about “rescuing hostages”, the Israeli PM has refused Hamas offer to return them time and time again where a ceasefire has been a condition of the agreement. Some of Prime Minister Netanyahu’s closest political associates have spoken of “burning Gaza to the ground”. Already, they are advertising flattened Palestinian communities as available space for new Israeli property developments. This isn’t about “eliminating Hamas”, nor is there the evidence Israeli operatives believe this is a “kill or be killed” situation; the IDF have shown that they are perfectly capable of singling out and targeting specific individuals, but instead predominantly opted to bomb civilian safe zones, hospitals even, en masse. Whilst almost all civilians in Gaza have been forced to flee their homes for safe zones only to become victims of IDF attacks there too, and drone footage shows the area they fled has been all but flattened, Israeli civilians, free to leave the country at any time, choose to remain, with many young Israelis broadcasting the continuation of their normal, comfortable lives in candid social media posts, mocking the death of Palestinians while they’re at it. The narrative around 7/10 which the Israeli government use as justification for their actions, initially parroted by politicians in Western nations too, is riddled with conflicting evidence. Stories of beheaded babies and widespread sexual violence, which have since been questioned based on the lack of accompanying evidence and the questionable journalistic integrity of the original sources, play into the worst nightmares of Islamophobes worldwide, stitched together to position Hamas as an inexplicable, medieval force of evil whose existences threatens the entire Western world and way of life. What there is evidence for is Palestinian civilians being shot with their hands tied behind their backs then buried in mass graves, little girls and boys' bodies ripped to shreds by IDF attacks, and doctors executed whilst trying to save the lives of newborn babies and children.

We have to keep repeating the facts, which we actually have, you know, the evidence! for: the illegality of what Israel are doing, the murder of children, the circumstances under which a group like Hamas would emerge, the way recent events fit into a bigger long documented picture of the Israeli government’s expulsion, oppression and dehumanisation of the native Palestinian population.

We can’t stop challenging the idea that this is a “war”, that anything goes, that we can only shrug our shoulders at Israeli citizen’s makeshift blockade of aid into Gaza as if the famine occurring isn’t just as much a part of Netanyahu’s plan as the bombing campaign is. We have to make our representative's aware that we see exactly what Israel is doing, and that we won’t allow politicians in this country to continue their careers whilst they champion Israel’s campaign of deceit.

WE NEED TO KEEP BOYCOTTING, TALKING ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING, ATTENDING PROTESTS WHERE WE CAN, LET OUR REPRESENTATIVES KNOW THEY WILL FEEL OUR ANGER TOWARDS THEIR INDIFFERENCE AND/OR SUPPORT AT THE POLLS THIS YEAR!

There are more and more examples of these boycotts and protests working every day as an increasing number of world leaders come out in condemnation of Israel.

I know it’s going to be really jarring for me to just go into fashion chat after this but I just don’t want to waste any opportunity to repeat the truth which so many Palestinians have lost their lives for trying to get out there. For reference, here is the 2022 Amnesty report I referred to for guidance when writing this section, which offers an in depth account of Israel’s development of an apartheid state:

It’s a really helpful and comprehensive article. But there are undoubtedly people who break down the issue far better than I can. I’m going to try and find a post I can reblog with all the best sources of information to follow this up with as soon as possible.

Onto the far less important bit. If you don’t care about fashion and have 0 interest in a stranger’s online rambles, nor want to be distracted from what I am fully aware are some immeasurably more significant issues going on in the world rn feel free to stop reading here because that makes complete sense! If you, like myself, are trying to appreciate the life we are fortunate enough to have by indulging in our silly little passions, and one of them IS fashion, hi:-)

Keep reading??? I guess?? If you fancy it??

Despite all the horrible stuff going on in the world rn I feel optimistic about being 25 in 2024, and along with the rest of us seasonally depressed lot, summer approaching. This new year, which coincided within a week of my 25th (idk why I phrased that like my birthday isn’t on the same day every year tehe), gave me the sense of a fresh start I needed to throw myself fully into eating disorder recovery and practice what I’ve learned in treatment for anorexia, which I am so lucky to have had access to through the NHS. Not sure why but the significance of 25 years as a quarter of a century and it being a year that ends in an even number feels correct. The even years always feel better (ignoring the shitstorm of a year that was 2020 ofc, lmao), or is that just me? Like 2012, 2014, 2016, 2018? Come on now. I can’t even remember the others nor do I want to tbh, lol.

I decided my goals for this year are to be less rigid with counting calories, on guard for unnecessary self-shaming about my body and eating habits, & ultimately, to be intentional in prioritising my creative drive over the tediously bitchy little disordered eating voice in my brain:) only by practising mindfulness towards how I distribute my attention have the first 2 goals become possible. Most importantly, only once I became physically healthy was my brain capable of that mindfulness, which is something that has obviously necessitates weight gain! I say this in case someone who stumbles across this post needs to hear that because I know there’s a lot of people who want to recover from anorexia who are held back by the belief they can do this without putting on weight, or ever “giving in” to extreme hunger. To be brutally honest, it can’t be done, but that stage of fear and shame and feeling out of control does end. It’s been 8 months of extreme hunger and a year of therapy but I’m here! I’ve got normal hunger signals back! Yay! And I can trust that they come from a place of my body wanting to keep itself healthy. That safety within myself is a nice feeling. I’m going totally off topic here which I said I wouldn’t do but again, these thoughts feel like something I don’t want to waste the opportunity to say, just in case it does make someone reconsider things. It feels appropriate to put here:

-trigger warning: this post contains images which may be uncomfortable for those struggling with an ED-

Please DM me if you are reading this and feel this is a subject you need to vent to someone about, I promise I wont try and force advice on anyone, I just know how lonely an eating disorder is and want to listen if that helps:)

Going back to the post, it’s come from being in the right headspace to dedicate to things that are way more fulfilling than anything to do with body image satisfaction or binge eating. I won’t go on about it any more but I will I do an update dedicated to recovery in a recap of the second half of 2023 soon. What I’ve said about recovery is oversimplified here because I just wanted to drop a bit of context. It’s important because physically recovering from anorexia is what allowed me to get enthusiastic about things again, and when you’re in that danger zone, you forget about all the other things you find purpose in doing.

Because I’ve been struggling with body image I haven’t been making the effort to put outfits together like I used to. Being “into” fashion was probably the one thing I didn’t lose in AN because honestly, an online shopping spree and successive outfit planning was an immediate, low-effort mood boost. It was not good for my bank account, the climate, or my conscience, lmao. Definitely not glorifying it. It was just all I had to delude myself into thinking starvation was worth it at the time. When my body changed, I lost interest in trying to put outfits together, and whilst this was good for curbing impulse purchasing, the revolving line up of trackies, pyjamas, and work clothes I have become somewhat dependent on does my confidence 0 favours either. For that reason, I’ve been forcing myself to make the effort now and again to plan something to wear outside the house, but with a renewed focus on sustainable shopping habits and the prioritisation of comfort in my outfits, which means reflecting on whether my feeling “safe” in a piece of clothing is dependent on the state of my body image. Like if there’s a skirt that I think “shit, I can’t wear that when I’m bloated”, I’m gonna leave that one in the basket or the Vinted Favourites for the time being. Instead I’ve been slowly building up second hand basics in bigger sizes which have the versatility to go with anything.

This has kinda necessitated me reconfiguring my personal style. That, and feeling a lil creative, is what brought me back to this lookbook I started in April last year. 2nd year uni struggle, AN brain and shitty life stuff relegated it to the drafts, but here it is, a WHOLE FUCKING YEARRR later:D

I’ve gone back and forth on whether I should be returning to it at all because I was in the very early days of treatment when I took the photos and I don’t want it to be a promotion of this being a normal, sustainable way to look. At the end of the day, however, this is something I have suffered with on and off for 10+ years of my life and there havebeen times where I looked unhealthy at both ends of the spectrum-I’m not going to erase any proof of my existence during those times. What I just want to reiterate is that mentally and physically I had to feel like shit to be this weight and I don’t think for 99.9% of the population there’s any way of being this weight without this shit experience alongside it. This is why I get so het up about the majority of runway models being severely underweight but that’s a whole other post. The fashion industry & body image have an utterly fucked relationship but things are changing, even if the pace of that change is frustratingly slow!

My point is that although I was unhealthy, (and so I’ll reiterate here: trigger warning for eating disorders), I really was super happy with the way the outfits came out, as well as the end result of all the fun I had editing on photoshop, lol. I’m in my “Kate Middleton”/Kensington Palace PR intern era, you could say. So ultimately, I’ve decided over the past couple of months to go ahead and finish the bloody post! It’s a second edition of the “Sitting in the Front Row at…” post I did a couple of years ago (original here: https://amphtaminedreams.tumblr.com/post/649892714333257728/sitting-front-row-aton-a-budget-obvs), which I cannot take any credit for coming up with the idea for. Yes, I admit it, there are some good things to come out of TikTok! And this look-book format was one of them, which was picking up traction on that platform at the time of my first post. This time round, however, rather than picking brands that have the most clear-cut and recognisable aesthetic which is kinda what I did before, these 10 outfits were inspired by brands which have/had had the biggest influence on my personal style. Like I said, it’s been helpful to go back to as I try to remind myself that I can still enjoy putting a cute outfit together. I do not need to be runway model malnourished for that shit:-) With all that exposition out of the way, I’m gonna go ahead and get on with it! Let me unleash my shitty collages onto the world! I had fun doing them:D

Rokh

So I’ve actually done a post dedicated to Rokh before (link here: https://amphtaminedreams.tumblr.com/post/666281480350203904/currently-obsessing-over-debrief-no1-rokh-yes) which is why I won’t include many photos of their collections in this little bit.

But what I will do is express my love for them all over again!

You know when you’ve been having a conversation about something and then a related ad pops up on Facebook or Instagram or whatever and you’re like…hang on, Apple…were you..listening in? You want to be mad about the potential surveillance but you see the clothes you're being recommended and infuriatingly, the overwhelming thought is, shit…they got me good. I just wish whilst they’re at it, harvesting my preferences etc., they’d take account of my complaints about their piece of shit phones becoming increasingly redundant every time they push a software update for the new iPhone model, and give me some of that sweet settlement money to shut me up. Some of us can’t afford that yearly purchase x

Anyway, I set up that example because I’m starting to feel the exact same way about Rok Hwang. The brand’s Korean-born designer is so consistent in his ability to bring my dream wardrobe to life, if I were to develop severe enough a case of main character syndrome, I’d probably start to wonder if been in my head this whole time note-taking, ears pricking up for the mental commentary which ensues when I open up Vogue Runway, X/Y/Z celebrity’s street style dedicated fan Instagram, costume design analysis YouTuber’s video essay etc. If it were possible to develop an algorithm which amalgamates every clothing-related thought that enters a person’s brain to create their perfect fashion designer, this genius of a man would pop out at the end for me.

Hwang represents just one of the many East Asian fashion designers who are consistently ahead of the curve. Along with designers like ShuShu/Tong and Susan Fang, which are two of my newly discovered favourite brands, and Sandy Liang, he has helped repopularise the celebration of cute, kitsch, and girlhood in fashion; that designers of such heritage would excel in engineering the meeting of cute with high fashion makes sense given the region sits at the epicentre of the aesthetic’s commercialisation. Where Hwang and the others reimagining of the aesthetic cues inextricably linked to stereotypical feminine youth (school playground plaid, blouses and blazers, as well as bows, ribbons & ruffles, to name a few) have trickled down, been filtered through the lens of social media, and then encompassed by the Western World’s need to label and market EVERYTHINGGG, I would argue that many of the “aesthetics” which solidified the popularity of this new approach to discussing fashion, owe a lot to these designers' output on the runway. “Coquette”, “balletcore”, “dark academia”, we’d recognise touches of them all throughout Rokh’s last few collections, but most noticeable of all is the harmony with which he brings so many contrasting “aesthetics” together to create Rokh's distinctive look.

-top to bottom, clockwise L-R: RTW S/S23, F/W23, S/S24, F/W22, pre-fall 2022-

This Rokh look is one which caters perfectly to the niche of my personal style which I hope to bring to life through my outfit on my best days:-) that is to say, I want to wear something that embodies the soft, daydreaming, girly-girl in me but does so with reference to the darker, harsher, more provocative cultural movements and media that inspire me too. That sounds really really pretentious, don’t worry, I’m fully aware! I suppose these days the term “fairy grunge” encapsulates what I mean but being the special little snowflake I am I don’t warm to the term, probably because I associate the whole micro trend labelling system with bringing about yet another acceleration in the pace of the fast fashion cycle. Outfits which I see defined by that name usually do hit my sweet spot, they always have, it’s just unfortunate that I feel compelled to go all “iT’s nOt a phAsE, mOM!” after saying that because TikTok has ruined it for me!

That’s not to say Rok Hwang’s collections are really “fairy grunge”. They’re a bit darker, witchier, but equally more streamlined and “put together” than that, which is more tailored towards a runway than an Instagram reel. What they have in common is that Hwang’s collections and the aesthetic label are top tier examples of the girly/grungy balancing act. He does what I love, in taking something dainty or preppy looking, potentially grannyish, and then sprinkling in something a bit tougher so it doesn’t feel like I’m totally infantilising myself, basically working the kinds of things we felt pretty in as little girls into the wardrobe of a grown woman who just wants to be left alone to get on with life! I am a princess at heart, yes, but I also know the way the world is and I have the spirit of the wannabe riotgrrrl in me too, lol.

In terms of the specifics of a Rokh outfit, though, and how Rok Hwang actually achieves that look, there’s a few key elements of the blueprint that came to mind when I was going over the clothes I have in my own wardrobe. Longline coats, trench coats especially, pleats, plaid, metal hardware, and lace are all recurring details throughout his work and are something I’ve always considered staples in my own wardrobe, so that makes his styling feel much more accessible to me. There is a hint of Burberry in his work (obvs only the brand at its very best considering how hit-or-miss it's been of late) but where Daniel Roseberry takes his collections down a more androgynous route, Rokh to me, although dark, is a distinctly feminine, and ultimately really elegant take on that workwear to street wear vibe.

So, yes, I of course included a trench coat! This one, off the top of my head (I know I have referenced it another post at some point) is I think from a charity shop? And then the cut-out blazer is custom made from @Numb&Dumb on Depop. The tartan skirt was part of one of my biannual fast fashion shops, from Urban Renewal @ Urban Outfitters, and the lace bralet from ASOS. Finally, this adorable fluffy white bag was a 2022 Christmas present also from ASOS and the patent boots I’ve had for years now, I think bought from Missguided (again, I have defo confirmed whether this is correct in past look books because I know they have been a go-to in these things for ages). As always, I’m just specifying these things because although it’s unlikely they’re still sold on the original site, you might be able to find them second hand! I once managed to find something I saw in the Brighton Urban Outfitters, and regretted not buying at the time, on Depop 2 years later so if you’ve got that kind of commitment to the fit, you might have the same luck, lol.

Blumarine

The first Blumarine collection since Nicola Brognano’s departure, debuted at Milan Fashion Week, BROKE MY HEART. Completely unrecognisable from the brand Nicola has done the most incredible job in establishing over the past few years. His work has had an undeniable hold on me from the get-go. I never thought I’d see the day I became partial to revisiting the 2000s, as I always had that in mind mind as a dark, dark period for fashion, lmao, but he did that. I can quite confidently say Nicola Brognano did for Y2K, Miu Miu did for prissy academia, and it’s him we owe credit to for the era’s resurgence in popularity.

Browsing through one of his Blumarine collections appealed to both my current self and my inner child in the most fabulous way. That’s to say that somehow, he managed to translate the wardrobes of the animated Bratz Rock Angelz intro irl outfits, and in recent years brought this mystical quality to his collections too, which elevated the brand even further. He took the fun, less offensive elements of Y2K fashion which were present in Blumarine founder Anna Molinari’s work, and revived them for a new era of fashion. Whilst making Blumarine a lot cooler and “grown up”, Nicola still managed to maintain Molinari’s hyper feminine aesthetic, incorporating subtle nods to her original designs. The tendency to close her runway presentations with dresses featuring ethereal, flowing silhouettes, as well her inclusion of youthful, coquettish motifs throughout her work, the reoccurring focus on butterflies and florals to cite the obvious examples, are all staples of early Blumarine that Nicola built upon as creative director. Whilst he developed a version of the brand which was at a glance, wildly different, it was still full to the brim with subtle references to Blumarine’s beginnings.

He didn’t lose these elements, he just made them a lot more interesting. Under Nicola Brognano’s direction, Anna Molinari’s Y2K Barbie girls went all Monster High, with a bit of Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie style post-party, late night sleaze. You could see this as the flip side of the prom Disney pop girl era which Molinari’s collections leaned into at the time. In that sense, Nicola gave brand continuity, but catered to the modern woman, who is trying her best despite the lingering hostility of older generations to embrace and express a wilder, uninhibited side without shame. Blumarine under Nicola championed revealing the inner siren rather than playing demure about it and letting it out on cue in accordance with patriarchal expectations. The tiered chiffon, oft ruffled, mini skirts, for example, which were a reoccurring feature in Molinari’s Blumarine collections, evolved into the ultra low rise pleated micro mini under Nicola. Whilst the colour palette and fit and flare silhouette remained, the ripples were sharpened to become harsh pleats sitting below the more tapered top half of the skirt. To play into the Y2K party girl vibe, Nicola’s skirts pushed the limits of what we’ll call the pre-third wave feminism purity threshold, likely the governing force behind the amount of leg Molinari’s skirts ever revealed, with her minis, whilst typically sitting above the knee, only ever teasing at being “indecent”.

-1st row, l-r: RTW F/W13, S/S13, F/W15, S/S15, 2nd row: RTW S/S16, F/W14, S/S14, F/W16, row 3 to 5, clockwise l-r: RTW S/S17, S/S18, F/W18, F/W17, F/W19, resort 2019-

Then there’s the ditsy, delicate details and prints, a definitive staple of the early collections, which under the helm of Nicola Brognano’s direction evolved into blueprints for the silhouettes of his garments, accessories in particular, or were splashed across barely-there mesh in a way that reads more like lightly tattooed skin on wearers than overpowering, chintzy fabrics. Rather than draping clothes in the materials which constituted the entirety of the garment back in Molinari’s day, Nicola got aggressive with all that lace and chiffon, often using them torn or frayed, wrapping these ribbon-like strips around his models’ glowing skin in a way which highlighted and complimented the stripped back female form rather than as a means of obscuring it. You could believe that once upon a time the women Nicola styled for his runway presentations were dressed a bit like the early Blumarine girls, sure, but only in the context that they’d worn those same clothes throughout an entire decade of non-stop partying, mosh pitting, and watching too many reruns of the Simple Life in the interim, forced a la Drag Race sewing challenge to make something new from the leftovers for Nicola’s show. Seeing the end result, i think most of us are in agreement that if this were the case, every look on that runaway would be worthy of a challenge win. Not a hot glue gun in sight. Pure cunt.

If it weren’t for Nicola’s direction of Blumarine, I don’t know if we’d see brands like Diesel or LoveShackFancy getting the kind of hype they’re getting right now, so I have to thank him not just for his own work but these gifts too. I didn’t think any designer would be able to make me reconsider my vehement hatred for Y2K fashion but he did it. Next on the list of fashion eras in need of a complete reimagining is 80s fashion. Though my heart is BROKEN! Seeing what they’ve done to Blumarine since Nicola Brognano has stepped down as the brands creative director, this could be a huge opportunity for him to start his own label and keep on doing what he’s doing, reinventing revolting fashion trends and making them fucking gorgeoussss. If I were capable of planting thoughts in other people’s minds I’d be giving him an 80s fixation as we speak.

When it came to putting an outfit influenced by Nicola Brognano’s Blumarine together, this grey to khaki fade ultra mini skirt from Minga London was the obvious choice. It was, however, also something I needed to work out how I’d be comfortable wearing; although the style is adorable, my underwear collection isn’t the cute coordinated kind that would make flashing everyone in the vicinity feel like a fun, cheeky thing to do on a night out. If you, unlike myself, are the kind of person that so sufficiently has their shit together they wear pretty matching sets, you won’t have this dilemma, however, trousers under skirts is another 2000s trend I’m surprisingly into as of late. Who would’ve thought we’d bring back the combination we spent several years bashing Ashley Tisdsle for when she did it on the HSM red carpet, smh.

-row 1 to 3, clockwise l-r: RTW S/S20, resort 2022, RTW F/W21, pre-fall 2022, RTW S/S22, 4th row clockwise l-r: RTW F/W22, F/W23, pre-fall 2023, pre-fall 2024, resort 2024, RTW S/S24, resort 2023, RTW S/S23-

For that reason, and also to stay in theme with the somewhat arcane motifs peppered throughout Nicola’s recent collections (his use of crucifixes, the windswept, mermaid-like hair, and the decorative angel wings all being good examples), I chose to wear a pair of celestial/tarot print flared mesh trousers I brought from Urban Outfitters a couple of years ago underneath the skirt. I went for a velvet wrap around detail cropped top which I bought from ASOS in early 2023, in a khaki green that Nicola used a lot over the last few years. IDK whether to put that creative choice down to him referencing the popularity of camouflage print in the 2000s or to signalling that Blumarine, under his direction, would be tougher, more nomadic and free spirited than flirtatious and elegant as it had been under Molinari, but regardless. I’m just happy for a green moment, anything that might reverse the effects of Michelle Visage’s green hate campaign, because it’s such an underrated colour for clothes imo!

Gucci

It will be a surprise to absolutely no one who’s ever read more than one fashion post of mine (if such a person exists, lol) that I will repeat my first “In the Front Row at…” post and include a Gucci inspired outfit again, because I never miss a chance to yap on about how much I adore Alessandro Michele’s work. Don’t get me wrong, Gucci F/W24 this Milan Fashion Week was a big improvement from S/S24 but it’s still not a patch on any of the frequently groundbreaking work Michele showcased whilst he was creative director. Whilst he doesn’t seem the natural choice to take over Valentino from Pierpaolo Piccioli, I am just so excited to be seeing his work on the runway again. Don’t get me wrong, I can admit there were times when his styling was a bit much, like charity shop mannequin dressed in the dark levels of discord going on, but 70% of the time, the outfits we saw on the runway were examples of creative brilliance. A particular stand out is his RTW F/W20 collection, which on god, changed my life, or personal style trajectory at the very least. BDSM style harnesses, structuring plucked right out of the French rococo period, and Wes Anderson-esque co-ords. Who tf would’ve thought that would work? Before anything else, Alessandro’s time as Gucci’s creative director showcased his explorative spirit, which separated him from the many designers playing safe and adhering to the typical formulas of the fashion world, knowing that their stuff will sell based on the reputation of the label alone. We don’t see as much appreciation for the art of curating a unique outfit as in past decades when fashion had to be revolutionary in some way to be taken seriously, and that is why Alessandro’s work was so mesmerising. I’m sure there are many who disagree but it never felt like he was quirky for the sake of being quirky. The mish-mash always seemed purposeful, as though intended to translate the evolution of some sharp dressing, well-travelled, particularly eccentric individual’s wardrobe into a collection of wearable snapshots.

I say this in the sense that Michele made weaving together various periods of fashion history in seem effortless, the styling consistent in painting a picture of the kind of person who would pick out the pieces, in love with glamour and opulence but also drawn to the disruptive and discomforting, craving a bit of dramatic flair and misadventure in their life. His unique eye for complementary prints, shapes and colours made his vision for Gucci consistently shine through the various eras featured, and it went from your run-of-the-mill predictable prestige fashion house (I’m thinking Chanel, YSL, dare I say it Prada…like can we please stop pretending a lot of their collections of late are not completely interchangeable) to one that was always unexpected, exciting and inventive.

When it comes to the fashion climate over the last 10 years (have your internal monologue prepare to impersonate Aquaria here), the word eclectic has not define Gucci, rather Gucci has defined eclectic. Alessandro Michele gave the impression of a determined contrarian, dedicated to proving you can take two wildly different, seemingly clashing trends or period pieces, and bring them together into one singular visual symbiosis, like they were an intuitive match all along; whilst the rest of us were understandably losing our minds during the pandemic, he successfully combined Old Hollywood style cocktail dresses with equestrian gear like it was nbd. I’ll say something along these lines a million times in this post, and I’m sure I have on several occasions already, but he does that thing I love where he adds just the right amount of edge to a piece that’s otherwise paper doll delicate so as to have you believing it would never looked finished or lived in any other way. Alessandro never appeared scared of his Gucci collections being “too” extravagant or costume-y, so I don’t think he’d know the rule of “take one thing off before you leave the house” if it hit him in the face. Instead, he displayed a niche for storytelling, his method of styling his collections in fitting with those of the owner of a bottomless trunk of vintage pieces built up over several decades. We’re talking a person influenced by every subculture and encounter with luxury they’ve had in their lifetime, who couldn’t care less what piece came from where and if some specific fusion of past and present trend made “sense", just that once all dressed up, the contrasting aesthetics were in balance. In my very biased eyes, his constant aversion towards the fashion industry’s boxes established Alessandro Michele as a champion of modern punk on the runway.

-row 1 & 2, clockwise l-r: RTW F/W15, pre-fall 2013, RTW F/W21, F/W22, resort 2023, RTW F/W23, S/S15, S/S14, F/W13, row 3 to 4, clockwise l-r: resort 2021, RTW F/W20, F/W19, S/S20, resort 2020, row 5 to 8, clockwise L-R: resort 2019, pre-fall 2019, pre-fall 2018, RTW S/S18, F/W18, S/S19-

SO, how do you even begin to try and replicate that? I felt that since I did my last Gucci inspired outfit, the range of Michele’s references had extended even further. The theming of the Love Parade collection went all the way from cowboy to cabaret, lol. Sooo, I went back to the basics and focussed on my favourite recurrent features defining his time at Gucci: fur, latex, lace, bold colours, cyberpunk influences, bohemian silhouettes, and (deep breath) the spiritual motifs, which I know is a little vague but by which I mean his use of religious iconography and mysticism as jumping off points for the details he employs in his work, crucifixes and celestial prints being quite prominent ones to give a couple of examples. Fur was a convenient starting point because I had this NastyGal coat I bought from Vinted sitting around waiting to be worn, which I was aware back in April 2023 when I took these photos would otherwise be shoved into the back of my wardrobe until at least mid-February 2024. I overshot a bit because we went to Paris for 2 days at the beginning of January and the -2 degree weather made this wearable yeti acceptable much earlier than planned, but it was right choice for a Gucci inspired outfit in the meantime.

Falling into the same category of things this lookbook gave me an excuse to wear that I otherwise wouldn’t have dare to leave the house in was the faux leather star shaped harness. Why I ever bought this from one of those festival girlie Depop shops as if I would ever be bold enough to actually take it to a festival, idk, but what I did know was that it ticked 3 of my Alessandro Michele Gucci staple boxes: close enough to latex, resting on the threshold between cyberpunk tech-wear and dominatrix (I am sincerely hoping the fact I wore it over something else gets across that I know I would be entirely unsuited to that kind of work), and celestial, in the most literal sense of the word, lol! You can’t do an Alessandro Michele inspired outfit and not have some layering going on, which gave me a reason beyond “I feel…silly:(“ to wear the harness OVER the rest of my outfit rather than just on its own. The rest of the outfit was a very cool lightweight maxi skirt from Collusion covered in some kind of renaissance era biblical scene, which felt right as a way of incorporating Alessandro’s reverence for traditional religious art and symbology. Honestly, coming back to the photos I took in this outfit was also a helpful reminder that I need to budget a sewing machine into my next paycheck too, before I lose all the confidence I developed from a beginner’s lesson I had in January, at any rate. This skirt is one of a handful of unique and treasured items of clothing I don’t wanna let go of since growing out of them and really wanna try and alter instead:(

But anyway, with that noted, just a generic white laced corset, pink fedora (which offsets the cream coat and cool toned skirt in a way I think Alessandro would approve of if I do say so myself) and lace dress over the top remain. If you’re looking to scour Vinted/Depop for either of them, both the hat and skirt were brought from ASOS in early 2023. The dress is Reclaimed Vintage & the hat I’m 99% sure is ASOS Design. I think the dress is still on ASOS but I still have it’s and it’s not gonna fit me anytime soon so if you’re interested, feel free to PM me. If I can make the bad shopping choices I made to try and fill the void left by all the foods I was craving into a victory for sustainable fashion instead...yeah, that would certainly lift my guilt a little-_-

-clockwise l-r: resort 2018, RTW F/W17, pre-fall 2017, RTW F/W16, pre-fall 2016, resort 2016, RTW S/S17, F/W14, S/S16, resort 2017-

Lastly, I chucked on a potentially tacky rhinestone crucifix choker and earrings because there has been a lot of sparkly shit sprinkled throughout the last few Gucci shows. I know the way I’ve phrased it makes it seem as though I’m not a fan of this resurgence in magpie-baiting. I 1000% am. The sequin loving 7 year old within me is still here! I’m just saying that because I am clueless in distinguishing those kind of things. Swarovski crystals, girl? Perhaps. Actual diamonds? Maybe. I really don’t know what the difference is. But Alessandro was throwing sparkles out left right and centre in his last couple of years at Gucci and these 4+ year old pieces of costume jewellery from Dolls Kill, whilst unfortunately being completely incomparable in terms of their price, are an ode to this. I hope he keeps throwing those crystals in alllll the way to the fashion history books where I think it should be duly noted that he deserves a page. Their presence certainly won’t be frowned upon at Valentino so here’s hoping!

Versace

When I say I think Donatella Versace’s interpretation of her brother’s aesthetic is the definition of the term“power dressing”, I know the implication. I see what the dreaded…#girlboss…has become and let it be known, I am not here to slander the good Donatella name like that. I do not see Versace as the uniform of the Facebook MLM Yummy Mummies or as emblematic of the soulless late-stage capitalists disguised as tortured poets (on god, if it’s been 6 months without any signs of life, send help, because fans of the second category probably got me) it wouldn’t be in this post. What I mean is that a Versace outfit has...big dick energy? Do we still say that? Spice. Sophistication. Smarts. More S words I can’t think of. Wanna say sexy secretary without implying the Versace woman is anything other than the CEO. Or using the word “core”. I’ll stop now.

What I think I’m getting at is that Donatella reimagines power dressing for outside of the stereotypical corporate workplace environment. For the splashy, extravagant parties implicitly designed for “networking” but taken as an opportunity by the wearer to have fun dressing to the nines and test the limits of what might constitute a company scandal, for example. Essentially, we’re talking someone who would fit right in if said corporate environment was the HQ of a fashion magazine, but get fired for an unapologetic violation of the dress code at a Forbes 500 company. A woman I’m sure many of us want to be, but cannot, because we are broke, and so instead will allow our workplaces to completely strip us of our dignity and tolerate flagrant disregard for employee rights before we do something that might risk our paycheck. I say “us” but maybe that’s just me. I can’t afford a HR issue and am far too much of a compulsive people pleaser to risk pissing off my boss, tehe! Lovin’ life! xo

Like her brother before her, Donatella exceeds at taking everything that's boring from elite society's understanding of how a "sophisticated woman" should dress and turning it on its head, without completely losing the elegance immediately (and sometimes unjustifiably, if anyone’s seen a Dior collection recently) associated with luxury clothing. Not afraid to include elements that may be viewed as audacious or "new money", Donatella designs for the post-high school prom queen who thrives on every look of disapproval that comes their way when they enter a room of generational wealth, fully aware that for every head shake there’s another modestly dressed onlooker suppressing their desire to similarly indulge their curiosity in provocative, forward-looking, pop culture influenced fashion too.

All that being said, there few scenarios we would expect to see a rich girl that Donatella hasn’t covered. A winter at boarding school, a day on the tennis courts, a week in St.Tropez, out on fucking safari!!! A scenario relatable to the masses, ofc!!!! But that last one is a great example of how Donatella is also comfortable leaning into camp. RTW S/S21 for example, started with what felt like a 80s Miami Beach street style parade and ended in the vein of the mermaid edition of a Victoria’s Secret show. If there’s one designer who is great at using styling to recreate the effortless sex appeal that '90s supermodels like Claudia Schiffer, Gisele Bundchen, Elle Mcphearson etc. brought to the runway, it’s Donatella, who honours her brother’s legacy to this day. Regardless of the model or the theme, the finished product of a Versace runway has you feeling like you’re watching a conveyor belt of Barbie-Bratz doll hybrids, unattainable and aspirational, even if up close you see a few uneven hems. Just do a DW and pretend you cannot see it, lol, and you’ll enjoy yourself. I think it’s doing a disservice, however, to make Versace sound confined to cookie-cutter traditional feminine ideals. Versace wouldn’t be Versace without a hint of sexual intrigue. At the beginning, Gianni’s ability to design garments that removed the male gaze from the equation of what makes a woman “sexy”, instead finally centring what made the actual women around him feel confident and powerful in his translation of concept to clothing, is one of the things that set him apart. This means from the offset, neither Gianni nor Donatella have been boxed in by what’s socially acceptable or “pretty”. Donatella has named Vivienne Westwood as an inspiration, so when I say she does know how to embrace a bit of rock and roll, go down the bad girl route, I’m not speculating, I am just the messenger! I know Versace is far from anti-establishment, but this hasn’t stopped Donatella from being influenced by those aesthetics over the years, cheeky little winks carefully placed in amongst the head-turning sleekness the brand is known for.

-row 1 & 2, clockwise l-r: Atelier Versace haute couture F/W16, S/S16, F/W15, S/S17, F/W17, row 3 to 4, clockwise l-r: Versace RTW F/W17, F/W15, pre-fall 2019, RTW S/S19, resort 2019, RTW F/W18, S/S18, S/S16, row 5 to 6, top to bottom: RTW F/W19, S/S21-

So, when we’re talking about what makes an outfit Versace inspired, what is the answer? Because I’d say that despite the varying muses Donatella seems to have had, it’s pretty recognisable and cohesive as a brand. You see the same silhouettes and materials and accessories popping up over the years which I guess explains a lot of it, but is not any kind of dig at her designs being repetitive (though I was a bit bored by the FW24 collection, truth be told) because she otherwise mixes it up, and a lot of these elements are often justifiable nods to Gianni. I tried to include a few of these in my outfit.

This old Boohoo blouse was a good minimal base to go underneath my favourite part of the outfit which is this faux leather snake print corset, bought from ASOS in early 2023; the corset immediately came to mind as ticking several of the checkboxes I’d mentally include on a list of Versace's aesthetic cues. Bold print, faux leather, emphasised silhouette…I’ll tentatively link the significance of the corset structure back to Gianni’s tongue in cheek exploration of that S&M, dominatrix kind of look which has made similarly fitting garments a recurring feature throughout the brand’s history. I say tentatively, because I don’t want to convey the idea I can really pull that vibe off myself, lmao, but I think that’s why I threw the more professional shirt on underneath. I feel like, conveniently, it worked out pretty well because the combination has what I’ll call the private school princess vibe which appears to be a popular choice when it comes to Donatella's way of stying her designs; just see the latest F/W24 collection and, one of my all time favourites for casual outfit inspiration, the Resort 2019 look book for reference. To bring together the slightly collegiate vibe the blouse under the corset creates, in contrast to these sheer stockings I had lying around, I referred back to that same resort collection where berets were used as a finishing touch for the preppier looking outfits. An old faux leather one I bought from Ebay (I think?) felt more in line with the essence of the brand than a felt/wool blend version of the style.

Just like Gianni did in the early years, Donatella uses classical tailoring and opulent fabrics as a jumping off point to infuse raunchier details more representative of the hyper-glamorous Miami party scene the brand found its footing in. Over the years, we’ve seen sartorial choices likely once controversial to the luxury buyer help solidify Versace’s cultural status. PVC and leather bases, shocks of colour splashed across typically restrained fabrics (such as vinyl and fur, often seen as inherently “statement” aspects of a garment), attention-grabbing prints are all brand signatures, but only in conjunction with the simple, flattering details which made existing high price mark garments aspirational in the early days of runway. To channel this part of the brand identity, I added one of the coats I like to think of as the GOAT when it comes to my excessive outerwear collection, this pink PVC coat with equally shocking pink fur trim, bought from Topshop a couple of years ago.

My regret of the outfit is for sure the green metallic platform heels, which I saw last minute at Primark the day before I planned to take the photos. They were £6 on sale, in my head seemed the closest I could get to Versace’s instantly iconic Aevita pumps for the price, but also something I have never worn again thus sincerely regret buying ever since. Firstly, because I try to avoid participating in trade with a shop whose ethical practices are notoriously questionable (despite their recent greenwashing campaign, I doubt the rises in their prices has anything to do with better employment and environmental protocols, lol) where I can, and secondly, because there is a visually displeasing imbalance between the chonk of the heel & garishness of their green reflective plastic wrap with the actual height they add. If you’ve got statement girth and statement colour, I feel like you need statement height too, lol! They are not the Versace inspired platform Mary Janes they resembled on the shelf once on my actual bloody feet. Lesson learned: you will almost always be disappointed by Primark, and by your own purchasing habits, when you “pop in” there.

-clockwise l-r: Versace resort 22, pre-fall 2022, resort 2021, RTW S/S20, resort 2020, pre-fall 2024, RTW F/W20, pre-fall 2021-

There’s quite the list of brand hallmarks that came to mind when picking my outfit beyond what I’ve already mentioned but if I haven’t dropped it in already, metallics make a frequent appearance throughout the Versace archives, stemming from Gianni’s fascination with both Greek mythology and the baroque period; precious metals are centred as a universal, much-desired symbol of luxury throughout both, and so it follows that Gianni could conceive of nothing more magical than to have models walk the runway dripping in the stuff. To this end, he went so far as to invent his own lightweight chainmail fabric called Oroton, which is so ingenious and definitely not spoken about enough because wtf!? I had no idea about this until I wrote this post! Is this not common knowledge or am I just clueless? This internal debate is a frequent if not daily one so I can live with the fact I probably can’t gauge a general consensus in response to that question, fashion students who beat the odds and stumble across this, pls don’t lecture me:( Obviously, I can’t get hands on something like that myself, lol, but I knew I needed something in that arena to finish off the outfit, which left alone would be facilitating my penchant for throwing on a million rings and necklaces running amok. I had to think carefully!! The closest I could get was to pile on the chain necklaces, and include this chainmail rhinestoned belt I got years ago from Brandy Melville, on top of the rest of my outfit. Plus, the inclusion of metallics as a core element of Versace arguably allowed for the exploration and incorporation of the ways metal is featured in other, less glamour focussed ways of dressing, which also factored into the skirt I chose. An example: Gianni’s use of embellishments and his experiment with safety pins as a means of structuring his dresses paved the way for an entire collection inspired by the punk movement of the '90s (RTW S/S94 in particular). In the last decade, Donatella has paid homage to the theme more than once (notably the RTW F/W 2012, F/W13, F/W17, F/W12, pre-fall 2019, and F/W20 collections ), which is no surprise, given her vocal admiration for Vivienne I mentioned earlier. I can’t lie, punk Versace is my absolute favourite, and definitely the biggest influence on my choice of outfit here. Over and above the faux leather and its classic A-line fit, I picked this ASOS skirt I bought early last year for this outfit because of the safety pin detailing which holds it together.

It’s seemingly not just Gianni’s interpretation of punk that influenced Donatella’s designs, and there are a number of face value similarities between her work, Westwood’s, and Gianni’s, that have her exploration of the style feel, and look, both seamless and organic: the shared unashamed emphases on the feminine shape, use of colourful silks and satins to evoke the desirability of historical muses, the boudoir inspired touches from lace and suspenders to lingerie worn as casual wear and barely there slip-dresses dotted throughout, all of which made for bold declarations of encouragement for women wishing to reclaim the innate power of female sensuality. Compare the form fitting Versace dresses to Vivienne’s famous corsets, the ethereal fabrics used to accentuate the body whilst keeping the actual revelation of it to one’s own discretion, for example. The frequent inclusion of leather (both faux and otherwise) and similar looking wet-look, high sheen fabrics in both, along with heavy duty outerwear, is just another clear point of overlap between the Versace look and the tough, armour-like pieces popularised by the boundary-pushing punk movement. Leather jackets, platform heels, and the occasional dip into attention-grabbing, high-contrast colour palettes sprinkled in amongst a deluge of black were perhaps intended in both cases to grab and dominate everyone’s attention.

The bigger take away here though is that it seems Donatella recognises the value of adaptability in the fashion world, and by extension, the application of this principle to the mass market. It would follow that the relative subtlety Donatella has deployed when translating Versace’s central components into its products of late is impressively tactical; I mention “subtlety” not to imply these characteristics have been sparse, but rather to describe the nature of the translation, which sees the brand’s signatures appear in the form of simple, accessible and, most importantly, versatile garments. Frequently generic enough for high street retailers to produce in mass quantities and variations making them both popular with the average consumer, I have to assume this is critical to the continued interest in the brand even amongst those who argue there’s been a stark decline in garment quality under Donatella.

-row 1 to 4, clockwise l-r: RTW S/S13, S/S15, S/S14, F/W13, row 5 & 6, clockwise l-r: RTW S/S23, F/W21, resort 2023, pre-fall 2013, resort 2014-

The Aevita platform pumps are just one of many instances of widely duplicated trends which have first (not very first, before anyone kicks up a fuss and argues I’m trying to claim Donatella created Mary-Janes) appeared on the Versace runway and diffused down to high street stores and back into our collective consciousness. The headscarves we saw models wearing in the F/W21 RTW collection, however, are another good example of a Versace signature (bold coloured/printed silks and satins) being translated to a more accessible, crowd-pleasing product. It’s this widespread appeal perhaps, as well as recent debate about the ethical conduct of certain brands, which makes Versace one of a handful of examples of the established big-name fashion houses left that retains its cultural relevance. It’s debatable whether the statement can be extended to fashion industry experts, since I know a lot of people criticise Donatella too (for the shoddy hemlines in particular, lol) but whilst the general consensus is that Maria Grazia Chiuri and Virginie Viard have ran Dior and Chanel into the ground, it seems there are a crowd of us who still get excited for a Versace collection. It’s definitely got something to do with its popularity amongst current household names like Olivia Rodrigo and Dua Lipa, but imo, it’s because the brand is one of the remaining prominent names in fashion which we rely on to reliably pump out modern takes on the classics. From my perspective, Donatella knows how to appeal to both those familiar with the brand’s archival content, those most enthused by a fresh but recognisable take on the label’s classic look, as well as the mass consumer audience, which ranks it high on my list of anticipated, and influential, shows when fashion week comes around.

Simone Rocha

Simone is another designer with a very clear vision and brand. Similarly to Rokh and Gucci, she is incredible at combining dainty, intricate, youthful feminine pieces that take inspiration from her heritage with edge. The bones of a Simone Rocha look is all precious, doll-like silhouettes, oversized collars, ruffles, and in general, lots of elements which hark back to an era when women were supposed to look pretty and do not much else. But subverting this ideal, Simone combines these features with typically masculine grunge and metal influenced touches, such as oversized bike jackets, platform boots, and harnesses, all of which wouldn’t be out of place at a Blink 182 concert in the 2000s.

When I think of the end result, of head to toe Simone Rocha, I think of a present day retelling of a myth where some goddess is punished for her beauty and grace by a bunch of horny men who think she wronged them, but this Tim round gets to come back and fuck them all up:-) so I’m sure Simone has been commended for creating the uniform of the modern warrior goddess already, but if it hasn’t been mentioned in a while, this is a reminder of what it is she does so brilliantly. She has created a wardrobe for a woman who has not by any measure lost touch with, nor wishes to diminish, the softness associated with femininity. Instead, she continually updates parts of this look for both practical purposes and in order to reflect the inherent strength that leaning into womanhood often requires you to have in the face of constant underestimation by patriarchal society.

-row 1 & 2, clockwise l-r: RTW S/S16, F/W15, F/W17, F/W14, S/S17, S/S15, F/W16, S/S19, row 3 to 8, clockwise l-r: RTW F/W18, S/S18, S/S20, S/S21, F/W20, F/W19-

She loves to layer, and in this way, all the softness of the individual pieces come together to create a bit of bulk, which underlies the disruptive presence a Simone Rocha styled model has on the runway. Naturally, I had to layer, layer, layer too and god knows I love a bit of layering:D SO as a base, I just went with one of my favourite white blouses, which is a slightly chintzy charity shop number. I don’t tend to wear it as is, but more for when I want a white collar to pop over something or to poke out at the end of my sleeves, which it does very well because it’s a few sizes too big for me. TBH, I kind of lean towards going with the most oversized version of a piece of clothing I can find, especially atm, and Simone Rocha’s aesthetic leans firmly in that direction too. A lot of Simone garments look like something you’d see on a vintage China doll, blown up to just about get over the head of a tall man, though really suited to a more petite woman. She tends to drape her signature gossamer babydoll dress over the top of more refined, utilitarian pieces and it’s that combination which modernises the whole look.

In that vein, I had the white shirt, and for the next part of the outfit, I took my time to mentally run through the dresses I already own because as you can probably tell from this post, I acknowledge was not doing well in my goal of shopping sustainably in early 2023. I can’t lie, my head was all over the place pretty much the entirety of last year, I had to defer every single one of my uni deadlines (lol), spent weekends coming home just to work my retail job like a headless chicken for 18 hours straight, and had just started anorexia treatment. Not to yap on about it and make excuses, but impulse purchasing was my unfortunate substitute for comfort eating. I still regret it now, especially since none of that shit I bought will ever fit me again, lol, but we move! I tell myself!

Back to the outfit though! I knew I had a lot of dress which resembled the Simone silhouette already but they were lacking a little character, something along the lines of the abstract floral outlines and embroidery that recur throughout her work. So what did I do? I was a sneaky lil bitch and borrowed an old dress of my mum’s from Coast. The volume of the skirt and the abstract monochromatic floral embroidery felt very in keeping with Simone Rocha’s subdued, stripped back colour palette. She does tend to throw in some light pastels and earthy tones too though, which makes sense, and feels like a means of embracing the delicate sides of nature. For this reason, and the sake of further layering, I wore a semi-sheer pink chiffon smock I got from Vinted, originally from Weekday, over the top. The final touches of a Simone look though, the tougher, rawer elements which aid in creating that look of protective armour around the fragile, doll-like base of the outfit, I knew would be best channelled through footwear and accessories. I love a platform shoe, definitely have way too many of them, but my collection came in useful here, and on top of a pair of sheer thigh high socks I wore these beloved ASOS clomp the house down Mary-Janes which in hindsight, probs would’ve been a better finishing touch to my Versace inspired outfit too. Although I decided on an old (but fake ofc) pearl necklace and headband, I used these harnesses I got from eBay a while back, to toughen the outfit up a bit in the way Simone does so well. I am sooOoo gassed that she's been made the creative director at Jean Paul Gaultier, and her debut haute couture collection for the label was a perfect meeting of her own vision with the brand’s existing iconography.

-clockwise l-r: RTW F/W21, S/S22, F/W22, S/S23-

Alessandra Rich

I’ve always loved Alessandra Rich’s vision, a celebration of the glamour embodied by every rich bitch It Girl of the last century. She channels the fictional: Cher Horowitz, the Heathers, Fallon Carrington, and yes, under appreciated icon Chanel Oberlin (whom I’m sure would be far more appreciated if we could collectively agree to pretend the second season of Scream Queens never happened, lol). But she also nods to the real: Princess Diana, Jackie O, Audrey Hepburn, and my modern day nominee, Julia Hobbs. I may be biased in saying Julia because I want her life, lol, as she doesn’t really apply when it comes to what makes Alessandra’s aesthetic hit the spot for me; I think it’s all about the way she takes these women’s famously revered sense of elegance and polish and reimagines that style in alignment with an agenda to rebel against the prim and proper standards their styles were confined by. I say Julia Hobbs is the exception because she’s already out here living her best life in the kinds of ridiculously mini Miu Miu mini skirts that would’ve got Jackie O forced out of D.C, and you know what? I can only dream of having the nerve to pull that off, lol.

In other words, whilst an Alessandra Rich looks screams “I’m fucking loaded” (can’t relate on that one but can defo be inspired, tehe), it also appeals to the black sheep of that kind of wealthy, established old money family, which makes for a very cool good girl gone bad aesthetic. Think the Posh Totties from St.Trinians. Remember them? I know it might be 15 years too late but I would love a spin off revolving purely around their lives, lol. I truly aspired to be them when I was older, which I maintain the delusional belief could still happen, as I am in some ways mentally stuck at 14.

-clockwise l-r: RTW F/W20, S/S21 pre-fall 2023, RTW F/W17, F/W18, F/W22, S/S22, resort 2022, F/W 21-

Alessandra gives us 90s Chanel-esque co-ords, pearl necklaces, bows, several staple features in keeping with this current coquette craze, but then throws in a bold print, some suspenders, impractically high heels, some contrarian touch that makes an outfit previously wearable to a White House correspondents dinner suddenly way too scandalous. Can I just add here that wearing Alessandra Rich whilst doing so would be the perfect addition to the act of torching that building to the ground after said dinner. A timeless fashion moment, bc LORD! LORDD! I am tired of references to the J-Lo Versace dress. Just saying xx

Though the white lace dress I got from @babi_fus on Depop, originally Urban Outfitters, was a good base for an Alessandra Rich outfit, given white and lace both crop up at some point in almost all of her collections, the halter neck cut didn’t really fit in with the dressy, afternoon tea feel her designs seem to be a twist on. I had to layer. I had to do it! I'll admit I find any excuse to pile it on anyway but in this case it was a must:-)

For that reason, I used this Zara ruffled crop top I bought from Depop to go underneath as a formal touch. Similarly, the argyle pattern of the sheer ASOS knee highs I felt had that St.Trinians vibe Alessandra encapsulates. Unlikely style inspiration, perhaps? I don’t know. I remember being a little bit obsessed with those looks from the get-go. Like I said, even 9 year old me recognised those Posh Totties were the shit.

-clockwise l-r: RTW F/W16, S/S19, F/W19, S/S20, S/S16-

To build on the ‘90s grunge aesthetic Alessandra seems to have been exploring in recent years, I finished things off with my favourite 2000s Avril Lavigne inspired belt (full disclosure, she was another childhood icon, truly wanted to be that woman til I grew up and realised I can’t sing for shit xo) on top of a Tammy Girl sheer lace up cardi from ASOS, and a velvet choker I’ve had for far too long to remember where I bought it from! Probably EBay again, lol! The little chiffon rose is just a hair clip from Amazon I added on top, and finally, the oversized blazer which I have no doubt I’ve relied on in past lookbooks, is from @ccooks on Depop.

Rodarte

Kate and Laura Mulleavy know what the wannabe fashion girls want: an ethereal, other-worldly princess moment but one that still subverts that norm a bit too. Rodarte F/W23, which is the perfect example of this, was the dark fairytale inspired collection which spoke to those of us who have one foot in the past where we, as little girly girls, idolised Disney Princesses, Flower Fairies and prima ballerinas etc etc., but also one foot in the present where we are enthralled by portrayals of dark, gothic femininity and avant-garde fashion. Their dresses are beautiful but underlying their collections are a sense of fun, freedom, and refusal to conform to that quiet, polite, male-gaze focussed respectable princess.

They are designed with women in mind, not necessarily what is considered “sexy” which is what we are always made to feel is the ultimate compliment, but instead drawing from beauty as we see it in the natural world, making floral motifs, flowing silhouettes, and an emphasis on detail key features of the brand. I think these women are as intelligent and thoughtful in their design work as those more abstract names in fashion who are typical commended for these feats. A Rodarte collection never looks rushed, and despite the fairly simple design ethos, manages to remain fresh, interesting, and innovative. Ultimately, in the same vein as is apparent in Simone Rocha’s work, Kate and Laura understand how to convey a sense of both breathtaking elegance and at the same time, strength, power, fierce command of one’s self.

This outfit was comparatively fairly simple. This stunninggg dress was from Urban Outfitters, and I just knew the colour, fit and fabric made it the natural starting point for a Rodarte inspired look. I will say that this dress is one thing I’m finding it hard to part with in recovery, because I never actually ended up wearing it out before it got too small for me, and I felt so magical in it on this occasion when it did still fit-_-

-row 1 & 2, clockwise l-r: pre-fall 2023, RTW F/W14, F/W22, S/S23, F/W19, F/W21, F/W15, F/W13, row 3 to 8, clockwise l-r: RTW S/S19, S/S20, S/S22, F/W16, F/W23, F/W20-

-TW: discussion of eating disorder recovery-

It took me some time to accept that recovery meant I would never fit into most of my clothes again because I’m sure anyone who’s gone through it will agree that AN still feels a part of you for a long time, to the extent that you have rose tinted glasses on, and feel like returning to that weight is the only way you can feel at home again. Accepting that your current body is your home, not some temporary, uncomfortable accommodation you are forced to stay in ‘til you work out how to get back to what you’ve convinced yourself is a kind of “safe place”, is some of the hardest work you have to do. To truly affirm to yourself that you will never feel safe in your body when your worth is contingent on something as volatile as your weight, requires you to let go of anything that suggests changing yourself to become any specific weight, especially one which involves making yourself unhealthy all over again, is a viable solution to any future problems. Like, take it out of your fucking tool kit!

It’s not easy at all. When comparing your body with AN to your body at a healthy weight, it takes a long time to differentiate between “this is how I should look” and “this is how I looked with an illness that I’m fortunate enough to be overcoming” if that makes sense. I definitely still struggle with it, but it has for sure got easier since I started selling and donating clothes which trigger that unhelpful process of mental comparison.

-TW finishes here-

A lot of the stuff I sold or donated I just wasn’t as fond of anymore anyway, or was basic enough that there will always be something similar out there in the future. A lot of it I couldn’t see myself still liking in a few years anyway. Like I can’t see myself being 30 thinking "shit, I wish I still had that neon pink fishnet crop top!" if ya get me.

I have a few really unique things, however, that I hope I’ll be able to up-cycle at some point, once I finally get a sewing machine. This dress is one of them! I mention this here because this is one of the pieces I’m not sure whether I’m being realistic about, lmao.

So, here’s my question for any sewing experts who might see this before I continue: I am being moronic in thinking there’s some way a beginner could alter this dress? The material is somewhere between cheesecloth and chiffon but if any of you are reading this and would be so kind enough to signpost me, a DM would be amazing! IDK how helpful my guess at the fabric is but OFC I can investigate the inner label for specifics. I ask just because it seems it would be too delicate to withstand being taken apart and restitched without tearing in the process. Or if not a beginner, would a tailor do something like that for an affordable price (i.e for less than the £60 I paid for at full price, lol)? Or do I just let the bloody thing go? idk!

-clockwise l-r: RTW S/S17, F/W18, S/S24, S/S21, S/S15, S/S16-

In terms of details for the outfits, anyways (before I go further off topic as I am very aware of my tendency to do that LOL), my aim was to replicate that gothic fairytale vibe Laura and Kate capture in many of their collections. These sheer black gloves, for example, had me feeling a little bit witchy, as did the black flower crown (finally validating my choice to hold onto the bloody thing long after the time any respectable person would wear a flower crown out of the house) and the velvet choker. The choker is the same one from my Alessandra Rich outfit, but I’m pretty sure (and it would make sense, lol) that this flower crown was handmade by someo ne on Etsy. I will do a little bit of browsing of my past orders and add the shop if I can find it but I don’t know if my order history goes as far back as the Vanessa Hudgens Coachella Queen era. Yeah, let that rush of nostalgia hit you like a truck too, join me in my yearning for that simpler time:( If my spluttering at her PR team’s statement addressing the photograph of her gumming white powder from a baggie at the same festival a couple of years later (essentially “Vanessa is diabetic and she needs to micro dose herself with sugar frequently”) didn’t set the stage for my 4 months and counting long obsession with Kensington Palace’s wild attempts to control the KateGate narrative, I don’t know what did.

Speaking of mysterious deaths though (I am joking, I am not that far down the conspiracy hole yet), I didn’t want it to look too much like I was at a funeral. In my mind, I wanted there to just be a couple of points of contrast against the yellow, extremely fairy coded dress. I was going for forest nymph. You know, playful, whimsical, but potentially a bit sinister too, with the black, high society Victorian era widow inspired details my (perhaps questionable) interpretation of this. I mean, given the fact that pretty much anything exclusive to the wealthy was considered “fashion” regardless of how ugly, it is really no surprise that elbow length gloves retained their association with quiet elegance, still making an appearance in haute couture collections, and frequently in Rodarte shows, to this day. Anything theatrically melancholic, anything resembling a garm Queen Victoria might have picked out after her husband died, is always going to have connotations with romantic tragedy, yearning, the discomforting disruption of fantasy by reality, all of which are concepts I think Laura and Kate have embodied through their collections at one point or another. To honour this, I disrupted the perfect Rodarte outfit with the knock-off Versace Primark heels! To my surprise, the end result exceeded my expectations! Woo! Not SUCH a waste of £6 after all. Like I actually think they look better with this outfit. Let’s just call it a plot twist that they worked better for Rodarte than Versace. An unintentional ode to the way Rodarte reimagines the fantasy wardrobes we mentally drafted in girlhood and through a process of refinement, the incorporation of both practical and avant garde elements here and there, makes it relevant to modern fashion. To own something Rodarte is still just as much of a fantasy, don’t get me wrong, but their brand continuity means I can at least produce my own cheap take on their vision.

Mugler

Writing out this post, and trying to explain why I find each of these brands inspiring, I’m noticing a heavily recurring theme, lol; the creative directors I admire the most are those who simultaneously embrace and subvert classical notions of femininity. In other words, whilst silhouettes and fabrics usually associated with fragility, elegance, sensuality, and romanticism, are at the core of the collections, the designers I’ve spoken about do not shy away from references to “masculine” or an androgynous ways of dressing. This explorative approach varies in its manifestation depending on the creative director. Every one I’ve mentioned here possesses a level of talent in doing that I can likely only ever dream of successfully replicating! But all the same I’m inspired by their tactics to the extent that I don’t ever question I'll be satisfied with my attempts at imitation, I.e my subconscious tells me some outfit combination looks a little Gucci inspired, I’m wearing it.

Bottom line, I think my obsessive following of the designers I’ve waffled on about has infiltrated my subconscious; without acknowledging the fact, their blueprints are the guiding force in my striving for a “feminine”/“masculine” balance in my outfit. Whether this is through including details deemed provocative or ostentatious, or, most frequently, experimenting with what patriarchal ideals might deem “ugly” on a woman, the brands I’ve included have definitely given me the confidence to trust my instincts. I have been insulted many a time by little man babies for groovy hats, chunky shoes, and oversized trousers, and honestly, it’s probably only through following the create directors I’ve mentioned over the years that I feel unfazed by their unsolicited opinions, lol! Unless I respect their sense of style first, I’m happy to say I couldn’t give less of a fuck what their take is and when it comes to self-expression, I think that’s the best way to be.

The collections that have been released by Mugler over the years are a masterclass in this balancing act. Though the burlesque inspired designs, at first glance, appear geared towards highlighting what may be traditionally thought of as a woman’s sex appeal, they go beyond the simple sexualisation of the female body. Over the years, Mugler’s various creative directors have followed the lead of Thierry who drew his inspiration from a wide range of gender neutral references, all the way from science fiction characters, comic book heroes and villains, to mythical warriors and biker gangs. Over and above perpetuating the idea that a woman’s body must fit into some rigid hourglass shape, Mugler designs transform in accordance with all kinds of women’s body types, taking the lines and curves female worth has historically been judged on and through his tailoring, morphing the wearer’s form into a powerful structure upon and around which an entire outfit can be created. Some kind of boning or contrast stitching embedded into a garment, typically running parallel to the edges of the body is one of Mugler’s defining aesthetic cues, and the reason why I felt like the ASOS faux leather co-ord was the right choice for the centre point of a Mugler inspired outfit! When I said in my Rodarte section about things I had to let go of, I’d place this in the love-it-right-now-but-would-probs-rather-walk-on-hot-coals-then-wear-it-publicly-in-five-years-time category. Like… I think…it’s a serve? It is in my eyes anyway! That being said, I also think outside of a night out in London, you’re going to get asked if you’re going to a Totally Spies costume party. But look, in the outfit Venn diagram, memorable fashion moment and things that would make you the subject of public ridicule in my hometown are certainly not mutually exclusive categories:-)

-clockwise l-r: RTW F/W21, F/W19, resort 2021, RTW S/S19, S/S24, pre-fall 2024, RTW S/S22, F/W20-

Mugler’s designs, for me, have highlighted the power of tailoring (I acknowledge that sounds an incredibly fancy word to describe the skin tight fit of an ASOS purchase, but pls be aware I use this in the context of its similarities to Mugler pieces in general lol!) which showcases and uplifts the duality of the feminine, which tips the hat towards an orientation to detail, appreciation for beauty, and interest in an object’s visual appeal that for wayyyy! too! fucking! long! has been conflated with being “shallow”, but does so with the practicalities of the modern world in mind; Mugler designs aren’t made for sitting around and looking pretty, they are made for movement and longevity, which goes hand in hand with the frequent use of leather in the brand’s collections. Like something is not “skin tight” for the sake of male fantasy, but instead fits to the skin to highlight the grace and fluidity inherent to the maneuverer of the body, constructed from sleek fabric armour which dips and flows in contrast to the natural hue of the brand’s eternally glowing runway models.

Fabrics and silhouettes aren’t the be-all and end-all of the Mugler “look” however. For as much as the pieces we see transform the body into semi-robotic works of art, this has never translated to the typical “futuristic” colour palette. Whilst white, grey, black and metallics are definitely heavily featured in Mugler’s work, colour is just as essential, especially for David Koma’s (whom I have to say, whilst I have this chance, is so so so underrated!) incarnation of the brand. I know minimalism, and the resulting tilt towards muted colour palettes, has dominated luxury fashion over the past decade, but from the start, Mugler’s tendency to take inspiration from comic books, pop art, and cabaret have set the standard for his successive creative directors to avoid the confines of a monochromatic palette. In his eyes, leaning into womanhood should never obligate us to hiding demurely in the corner, and there are few better ways to assert one’s presence than by blinding everyone in the room with a neon. Well, not necessarily neon, nobody wants to replicate the wardrobe of an '80s aerobics fanatic, but just bold, bright colours in general. You get me!

There’s nothing wrong with restricting yourself to blacks, whites, greys, neutrals; they epitomise the concept of the “staple” piece after all, and I know I’d personally be pretty fucked if I didn’t have so many go-to black pieces, since they go with almost everything! That being said, I could just never get on board with a brand lacking in colour. Colour is fun! I think we are soOoo lucky to be able to witness their natural harmony in nature! They are central to some of the things I marvel at in the world. Like think about it: magnificent sunsets, gorgeously arranged bouquet of flowers, the combination of a person’s skin tone, hair, and eye colour that every so often stops you in your tracks and has you thinking how stunning they are! Sorry to be cheesy, but why not! I feel like we should appreciate nature as much as me can while we can, because soon enough we’ll have destroyed the planet anyway at this rate-_- For all these years I’ve felt like a basic bitch for not being able to sit through old movies but now…is this my justification? The lack of colour?

I get that for a lot of revered designers, e.g. Yohji Yamamoto, Ann Demeulemeester, the muted tones are key to the brand’s identity, and I’m not shitting on them, but I suppose I am just like a little hyperactive child in that I my eyes are drawn to whatever is most visually stimulating, lol. For that reason, I’m a huge fan of the colour blocking, shocking pinks, blues, and reds, and futuristic, oil-spill like blending of complementary shades dotted throughout a Mugler collection, and the way they are used sporadically to demand my attention.

-top to bottom: RTW S/S21, S/S20, F/W22-

This is something I really wanted to incorporate, and hopefully semi-successfully did by way of the sheer tie-dye Topshop top I wore underneath a vintage black blazer. I think the inbuilt shoulder pads were why I went with that; the slightly exaggerated, angular nature of the sleeves the shoulder pads create made meant this jacket felt the closest I could get to the kind of sharp, crisply defined outerwear Mugler has rolled out over the years. My other option was a black PVC trench coat I’ve whipped out for many a past lookbook, and it does have a bit of a Matrix/Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia/potential school shooter vibe (whichever of those you pick probably depends on how you feel about the coats lmao), the first of which would make it appropriate for a Mugler look. I decided against it though, in the end, because with the faux leather co-ord I did feel like it’d be a little bit overkill, too far in the direction of a Russian spy or a sci-fi villain, ya know. The black high sheen heeled boots (an old pair from Missguided, definitely specified in a previous post!) and the black gloves (EBay!) tied it all together well enough that the colours truly did feel like a pop rather than the focus of the outfit, without being overpowering. Gloves are a big thing in Mugler collections, so I couldn’t not include them in my outfit, especially because they were having their moment when I did this lookbook anyway. Where is the inspiration coming from there? Burlesque? Comic book heroes/villains? IDK. But like I said, they’ve been popular on and off for long enough that now I feel they’ll always belong to the realm of the fashion world.

Kim Shui

When I was thinking of designers to do outfits inspired by, Kim Shui immediately came to mind. I’ve loved her collections since I first saw the details from one of them posted on HF Twitter a few years ago and have since eagerly awaited her shows every NYFW. It wasn’t immediately apparent to me why her brand would come to mind along with the likes of Gucci and Rokh, for example, who have been a lot more consistent in terms of their spots in my fashion week top 10s, but the more I thought about it, the more I recognised that as much as the brands that had come to mind already were my favourites, they also had an aesthetic which I was subconsciously linking to distinct items in my wardrobe. In that way, I realised that this isn’t so much a set of outfits inspired by my all time top 10 brands, but more a set of outfits encapsulating the range of brands which have had the most significant influence in my personal style over the last decade. I guess this post is kinda like a little tribute to the designers whose work I think of as the most significant embodiment of each individual component I could single out if I were to dissect the mishmash of inspirational forces in my version of what we call “personal style”. Like I could include Zimmerman and Cavalli, two brands I really love, but the clear intersection they have with Etro as the ruling force behind my gravitational pull towards anything I can conceive of as being worn by Stevie Nicks in her heyday would’ve resulted in this lookbook containing 3 very similar outfits. Etro is the one I remember first being enthralled by, and the one which continues to have the strongest association with the compartment in my brain where all the images of ‘70s bohemian disco and decadence, of Cher, Bianca Jagger, and Diana Ross, are stored, which is why I chose to do what I’m sure you’re thinking is “that old chestnut” again.

Similarly, Kim Shui is probably the first brand I saw on the runway that explicitly blended East Asian culture with Western high fashion paradigms. I don’t know the extent to which her popularity encouraged appreciation for other East Asian owned brands, or contributed to the deserved increase in acknowledgement of Shanghai Fashion Week, for example, but there’s got to be at least a little bit of a link there.

I should note, I’m not claiming for one second this blending of cultures hasn’t been done by other Asian designers before Kim Shui or that cheap takes on traditional Asian styles haven't been co-opted by European brands since the dawn of time. I’m just noting that Kim Shui was the first designer I personally became aware of to authentically embrace her heritage as a core element of her brand’s aesthetic (rather than as a fleeting trend) in such a bold, subversive way, so as to leave a lasting impact on my personal style.

-row 1 & 2, clockwise l-r: RTW S/S20, S/S23, F/W21, S/S21, S/S19, row 3 to 6, clockwise l-r: RTW F/W20, F/W22, F/W23, S/S24, S/S22-

Like I mentioned, designers of East Asian heritage, whilst under recognised given the frequent, unacknowledged diffusion of their work into that of western designers, are not totally absent from the high fashion scene I’m familiar with (the typical New York, London, Milan and Paris Fashion week biannual cycle which dominates fashion discourse). What caught my eye about Kim’s work, however, was the way she blended her heritage with a handful of other, less traditionally “conservative” Western ways of dressing, which she recalls being influenced by whilst living in Italy and New York.

Recognisable influences on her work include the decadence and brashness of what she refers to as “Eurotrash”, a controversial term referring to wealthy European socialites in American cities (particularly New York), and their unapologetically extravagant, often provocative way of dressing. Typically popular amongst this group were high fashion brands of Southern European origin like Versace, Dolce & Gabanna but also the Parisian atelier Jean Paul Gaultier, and the adoption of obnoxiously loud print, rich and varied colour palettes, luxurious fabrics, and more often than not, minimal coverage, lol. That is to say, teeny tiny skin tight dresses, plunging necklines, and the incorporation of the boudoir influenced “underwear as outerwear” trend, were all as much a part of the Eurotrash stereotype as bleach blonde hair, late night partying, and fondness for German techno (and accordingly, the daring, futuristic, liberal displays of sexuality associated with the clothing worn in the underground rave scene). Essentially, the prototypical “Eurotrash” woman was the scandalous, more “exotic” version of hyper-feminine, Barbie-esque Y2K It girls like Paris, Britney, and Nicole, who by the same standards could be characterised as somewhat subdued. Though its influence on Kim’s work has arguably lessened since her earliest collections, the urban street wear trends she would’ve been exposed to during her time in New York, such as relaxed, laid back silhouettes and experimentation with graphic print, seemingly influenced by the personalised, custom look associated with the branding of '80s and '90s hip-hop icons, also appear to have informed her work.

The genius comes from the way she cancels out the arguably “tacky” or overly casual elements of such styles through the incorporation of her heritage and love of abstract art, producing designs which act as a collage of the places and people she has encountered throughout her lifetime. Kim embraces statement prints, overt glamour, micro minis and vivid colours, just to name a few examples, evoking the nostalgia associated with Eurotrash and the famous Y2K socialite scene, and capturing the flirtatious, magnetic energy of the headline grabbing wild child in the process. Simultaneously, however, she brings a more intricate, ornate kind of maximalism to the table. Logomania becomes detailed prints referencing traditional Chinese artwork and artists like Kandinsky, hem and necklines are not simply short and deep but points of interest inspired by classic cultural tailoring, and colours, whilst remaining rich and varied in tone, have a thoughtful, ethereal quality to them which bear semblance to mythological illustrations and showcase her admiration for the purposeful selection of complementary hues by pioneers of modern art. Though they’re not exactly Kandisky, these Weekday trousers I chose for the bottom half of the outfit seemed like the kind of nod to his work Kim would approve of; I’d wager a guess that his use of watercolours might have played a role in the prominence of tie dye in earlier Kim Shui collections. Conveniently, the blended pastel tones of the trousers were also the perfect match with this lilac ASOS butterfly hem halter-neck, which had just the right amount of glitter to pay my due respects to the iconic Y2K princesses and ditsy girlish pieces they typically paired with all that Cartier. I say Cartier, but wtf do I know about expensive jewellery. Those who are knowledgeable see my reference to it as a way of saying flashy high-value necklaces, earrings, and bracelets of unknown but likely prestigious origin, lol!

My equivalent was just some silver, grungier (or at the very least, grimier, as far as the discrepancy between my costume jewellery and real precious metal based accessories are concerned) details.

Alone, I wouldn’t necessarily associate a halter top with Kim Shui; Y2K was everywhere in 2023, after all, and to be honest, it’s not the defining feature of her work. My impulse purchasing habit, exhaustion, and general mental chaos last year meant I had far too many of these kinds of tops become sacrificial lambs by way of my inability to follow through on plans to go “out-out”. “Anorexia will end up isolating you!” the therapist I saw a few years ago said, “couldn’t be me!” I thought, channelling the same silly energy of Mr.Birling when he calls the Titanic “unsinkable” in An Inspector Calls for all my fellow British 20-somethings who did that play in GCSE English, lmao. But anyway, the point is, I had a lot of these glitzy little things to choose from-_- This one stood out because I knew in the back of my mind that this lilac spandex crop top from Urban Outfitters in exactly the same colour with a mandarin collar and keyhole cut out was lurking somewhere in my wardrobe. Its inclusion was an obvious choice for this outfit, given a typical Kim Shui collection would be incomplete without one of these necklines, prominent throughout traditional Chinese garments. As a final detail, I wore these pastel pink PVC platform boots from ASOS, which again, I knew deep down I would probably be incapable of mustering the strength to wear outside the house, but was constantly searching for a reason to wear so I could indulge in my ABBA fantasy for just a minute. IDK if go-go boots are necessarily associated with the Eurotrash aesthetic, but they (and platform knee/thigh high boots in general) are heavily featured throughout Kim’s work, so I seized the opportunity to get these bad girls out. I’m not going to research whether that link exists, btw. The least European settlers could do is bring their appreciation for 70s ABBA over to the US with them. Considering the last commodity they imported along with themselves was smallpox and genocidal intentions, a Swiss Euro pop band is a major improvement so…look, I know ABBA was popular there already. I just wanted to make a dig at Western Imperialism. You know, poke tiny little holes in biased historical narratives where I can. It’s the history drop-out in me.

Etro

Is she including Etro again? Though the odds of someone reading both this and my original In the Front Row lookbook are close to non-existent, if you’re out there, I’m sure was your first thought. But yes, don’t say I didn’t prepare you for it! Of course I’m including Etro again. I’ll repeat it: this brand used to be my everything, lol.

Whilst I’ve branched out a bit, and tbh, so has the brand’s creative designers of late, there will still always be a place in my heart for the earthy bohemian feel Etro excelled at. Just as much as I feel drawn to the 90s kinderwhore (I think that term is seen as misogynistic now because it was thought to be “undermining” female grunge enthusiasts at the time but in hindsight I feel that aesthetic is thought of as a legitimate subtype of grunge…so essentially I’m arguing we reclaim it?) movement as exemplified by figures like Courtney Love and Kat Bjelland, I also love the bohemian style associated with 70s psychedelic and folk rock, to which icons like Stevie Nicks, Janis Joplin, and attendees to Woodstock 1969 were quintessential in time stamping to the decade that followed. Similarly, I’m totally enamoured with the way bohemian fashion evolved during the 70s, culminating in its influence on the disco trend in the latter half of the decade, epitomised by fashion icons like Diana Ross, Bianca Jagger, and Cher, in attendance at the infamous Studio 54. At this time, bohemian silhouettes, colours and materials were just a starting point which evolved to become glitzier, raunchier, and more expensive looking. If the traditional bohemian style craze had an other worldly feel to it, by the time disco came around, the women at the pinnacle of the trend were practically goddesses.

Etro, over the years, has covered all that ground, early bohemian, disco, even the bohemian renaissance of the 2000s, and modernised it, communicating the free spirited essence of that period in a practical, more subtle way, catered towards the more minimalistic, functional mode of dressing we see now. Veronica retains the dreamy patterns, billowing shapes, decorative embroidery and stitching, and rich mixing of textures that defined the bohemian movement. At the same time, she does this in a measured, careful way, that is mindful of the preference for stripped back, androgynous, scandi-influenced fashion by many who have adapted to this new, fast-paced way of life. Yay, rampant late stage capitalism:D I type this fully aware that against my better judgement I was a fervent consumer of fast fashion this time last year and I let myself get very sloppy, lol. But, like I said, I shall declare my errors because by this time, you could probably find them on Vinted/Depop!

-row 1 & 2, clockwise l-r: RTW S/S19, F/W19, S/S21, F/W16, S/S22, pre-fall 2021, RTW F/W18, F/W21, row 3 & 4, l-r: RTW S/S20, resort 2023, row 5 to 6, clockwise l-r: RTW F/W20, S/S17, S/S18, S/S16, pre-fall 2024-

I’ve seen a tonne of listings for the cream Urban Outfitters Afghan coat I chose for this outfit, for example, in all different shades and for decent prices too. I can’t speak for Depop because I can’t sell SHIT on it these days so I barely use it, but yeah, Vinted is your best friend. So is this coat! I do have it in green as well, because it is so comfy and versatile, but the cream felt like the right shade for the UO Paisley print playsuit. The chiffon, faux suede, and fur, and the combination of the bright, spring appropriate tones of the playsuit with the neutral colour of the coat made these two pieces slot perfectly into Etro’s outfit formula. To finish it off, I went with a chunky Regal Rose choker, a pair of faux snake skin knee high boots, and this teal wide brim hat, both of which I brought from EBay, and all of which contribute to the nomadic feel of the look, seeming to borrow from nature in some way. Whilst the floral detail of the choker fill that second brief, I also feel like the weight and sand toned shade of (fake, ofc) gold of the jewellery gives it a slightly antique look, like the very disappointing buried treasure one might stumble across in the middle of a desert. Imagine they also found a shedded snake to turn a pair of sick boots. And brought with them the hat to shield their eyes from the sun. That’s the Etro girl. Flower power Lara Croft, lol. Copywriting that x

-clockwise l-r: RTW F/W23, pre-fall 2023, RTW S/S23, F/W22, resort 2024-

Brands like Etro are a breath of fresh air in amongst this endless parade of branded neutrals we find ourselves in, where donning a basic logo on a beige knitted jumper is considered sufficient to crown someone as being at the top of their fashion game. Boo to Kanye West and his fashion line for this, which I am loath to say pales amongst all the other questionable things he’s done. Imagine. You say so much fucking stupid shit that sucking the fun out of fashion in the 2010s is your most minor offence, lol. Anyway, I have definitely noticed Etro leaning more into branding the past couple of years, and their collections haven’t necessarily been my standouts, especially over the past year. The FW24 collection debuted at the most recent Milan Fashion Week, however, has reassured me that I am totally right in saying Etro is criminally underrated, and holding it dear to my heart.

So, in summary! Thank you for reading/viewing if you got to this part. I’m gonna keep it short, because I don’t have much to say other than that writing this was one of my small distractions each day for the past couple of weeks, and if it was anybody else’s to read that’s fab:)

But on the matter of something important and much more worth your time, I want to end the post with a few links to pages set up by those leading the way in aiding and amplifying the voices of citizens in Gaza. I know the switch back and forth, going from me chatting shit about clothes to discussing horrific real world events, is jarring but it’s like that. Rounding up this post, suddenly everything I’ve talked about seems sick and shallow when we consider the mass murders occurring every day. I’ve been sitting with the fact that we think of the worst kind of evil as some abstract thing that we can’t know the depths of but there cannot possibly be anything more evil occurring in the world right now than this. When you break down the individual suffering, and then multiply it by tens of thousands, and then think we are expected to sit here and dismiss it and all those lives just to preserve an economic relationship, it is the sickest and most depraved humans can get. We’re existing at the same time as it happens and I don’t know if acknowledging it in a completely unrelated post like this in depth is the right or wrong thing to do. There is no way to go on with things, both in real life but especially online, as normal when that level of evil is being perpetrated and government and regulatory bodies are using their power to shut even acknowledgement of it down. So I definitely don’t want to waste any moment of anyone’s attention without signposting towards sources which keep us informed on the issue. Before I include the links below I wanna say thanks again, my DMS are always open, and all the best:) Lauren x

Website for Decolonize Palestine, an online collection of recourses including introductory articles explaining the history of Israel’s oppression of Palestinian people and debunking myths perpetrated about the crisis by the Israeli government: https://decolonizepalestine.com/

Recourse for locating nearby demonstrations against Israel’s attack on Palestine: https://palestinecampaign.org/events/

Website of International Centre of Justice for Palestinians, an organisation founded by a group of lawyers, politicians and academics, who recently presented evidence of Israeli war crimes to the MET: https://www.icjpalestine.com/

Twitter thread by @noor_noorash of emergency gofundme campaigns set up to facilitate the provision of aid and recourses for evacuation to Palestinians: https://twitter.com/noor_noorash/status/1783838318100439403

Instagram post by @adventuresofchefleila which tags the accounts of several groups working directly in Palestine to ensure food and basic needs are accessible: https://www.instagram.com/p/C6KDactrzSR/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA%3D%3D

Webpage set up by UNICEF to facilitate donations to their preexisting team in Gaza: https://www.unicef.org.uk/donate/children-in-gaza-crisis-appeal/?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI9Zak76fghQMVSZJQBh1b0gVcEAAYASAAEgLxW_D_BwE

Website of the Click for Palestine campaign, where a click can be made once a day to make a small donation: https://arab.org/click-to-help/palestine/#google_vignette

Website for eSims for Gaza, a campaign set up to direct individuals in purchasing an eSim which can be used by the recipient in Gaza to get internet access: https://gazaesims.com/

Website for the Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions organisation (BDS) which, amongst other ways to get involved, lists the companies where consumer boycotts will place the most pressure on the Israeli government: https://bdsmovement.net/

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