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#and thats not the fault of anyone its just how my brain has been treating me

lockedtowers · 1 month

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repost and rate your muse's traits out of 10 in each category !

COMPASSION: 2/10

so william… does not care. not a lot, anyways. when he first saw michael his brain had the tiniest flint of a spark of ‘i did that’ he didnt do shit but raw it and he definitely showed michael affection and love at first, fuck man he was teaching michael engineering, plushtrap was the first animatronic that they worked on together, in my main verse he did not care about his wife at the time at all especially when she caught him with henry but thats a different story but he did, in his fucked up way, love michael, but he also definitely favored evan by a lot when evan happened. of course i have verses where he did love his wife to a degree, but he doesnt really love anyone more than he loves himself. lizzie was very very close to getting there, but even her his love is more or less an extension of himself rather than as their own individual selves. lizzie has his cruelty and villainous streak, and his refusal to listen to no. michael has some of his aggression and recklessness. evan he favored in a way as the version of himself he lost due to his own parents, which is also why he kind of babied evan a lot. he made voice boxes for evans plushies so evan had someone to talk to, because him and michael didnt get along, and he never wanted michael and him to hate each other. in all though williams most compassionate moment, the one moment he was truly a decent guy, and the moment that ultimately destroyed any semblance of normalcy he could have attained, was evan getting springlocked. william tried to get him out, and his own suit springlocked on him causing the initial scars, and all in all sort of retriggered certain thoughts and issues he thought he grew out of. he any semblance of affection he had died when those locks went into his skin, and left him in a much worse state of mind and being.

BITTERNESS: 9/10

this man has stacks upon stacks upon stacks of journals about henry, how much he loves henry, how much he worships henry, how much he thinks henry should worship him. he still treats michael like shit when michaels an adult for what happened to evan when michael was a child himself when it happened. lizzie dying was entirely williams own damn fault and he still blamed michael for it because, in his mind, if michael didnt kill evan, charlotte wouldnt have had to die, henry wouldnt have had to be framed, and now lizzie wouldnt have had to die. this man takes bitter ex to a whole new level too considering even turned into his creation, he was still mad obsessing over henry.

HAPPINESS: 5/10

depends on when in the timeline. he did actually enjoy being married (the second time in main verses, dependable on mrs afton rpers otherwise) even though he.. wasnt exactly a faithful husband at all given his obsession with henry. honestly if he just learned what poly was and it wasnt the 70s/80s so he couldnt openly be poly and with a man, he’d have been much happier. he loves killing people tho.

POLITENESS: 3/10

…. he’ll fake it

MORALITY: 2/10

he murdered kids and thinks cheating on his wife with henry was perfectly fine because ‘he could love both of them’ when that doesnt make it fine, u big dickbag. also he wants complete control over his kids, he literally built the fu/ntime animatronics with the intentions of trapping his families souls in them so they could live forever with or without remnant. (yes this is a personal headcanon no i dont give a fuck about canon, canon had a lot of stupid moments, shush) he, hes not moral, hes one of those people who would just go off on like ‘oh morality isnt real its a social construct designed by the government to make you behave a certain way, the only true way to be moral is to believe in yourself as a god’ and all that stuff, dont trust the tall man

PRIDE: 9/10

he’s actually insufferable with how much he loved himself im ngl. he takes great pride in his subpar performances canonly. he thinks hes the greatest liar, engineer, and shopowner of all time. all the things he hated his parents for he ironically manages to do even worse than they did. he might struggle to love others but he definitely fucking loves himself, which is kind of funny when u think abt it, bc he also hates himself.

HONESTY: 2/10

he cannot even be honest with himself he’s not honest with anyone. he looked his wife in the eyes and claimed he would never betray her as he was cheating on her with henry. he kidnapped his own son after evan died with the intentions of completely breaking his brain in the same setup he built to ‘cure’ evan (which would likely have traumatized and made him worse) and fully intended on charlie being in that set up with him until she made the fatal error of fighting back, michael got the worst of the treatment for sure though.

BRAVERY: 0/10

one of the main things i think about this man is, he pretends what hes doing is brave and amazing, like im a great serial killer im great at everything im massively prolific in the public eye and people love and adore me, people flock towards me and think im charming and amazing, and they do. but he isn’t brave. he isnt anywhere close to that, he’s a fucking coward. he intimidates people, he hurts people, but when faced with the punishment for his crimes he was terrified. he isn’t brave. he doesnt know what brave is.

RECKLESSNESS: 2/10

his most reckless situation was what happened with charlie (and main verse wise, his first wife). it wasnt planned like that, he only intended to kidnap her. She thought back and he got angry enough to not only kill her, but abandon her body on that street in the storm. He hasn’t been exactly reckless since then and everythings been very carefully thought out, but he isnt in the right mindframe anymore, he hasnt been since evan died, he does make mistakes, and unfortunately it usually ends up being henry who pays for them since henry is who he framed.

AMBITION: 8/10

He’s definitely very ambitious, like he worked his ass off to get to where he is even though hes not really great at performing like he thinks he is. His main issue is his current goal is just Henry, not even anything specific really, he wants to be henry. The springlock incident made his obsession with henry a million times worse, and i can speak on that personally as someone whos had a head injury and who has OCD, it can intensify obsessions very very badly. So ambitious, yes, thoughtful on what they are, not anymore. though he did drain the lifeforce out of the kids he killed so.

LOYALTY: 1/10

that one isnt even for his fucking family its for henry and he betrayed that man too and framed him for his own daughters murder. his loyalty is to himself and maybe, MAYBE, on RARE occasions, and specifically as an extension of himself, his family.

SENSE OF FAMILY: 3/10

his childhood was fucked up. but while he was being a mostly present father, he showed promise. did he only love his kids as extensions of himself? still yes. did he at least love them? yeah. its a.. shitty situation all in all.

ATTRACTIVENESS: 6/10

evidently a lot more people wanna ride the serial killer than i gave him credit for.

AGILITY: 7/10

he’s surprisingly agile for his… everything. man in the movie version that man was rly pushing sixty and still bodied mike to hell and back what the hell dude.

SEX DRIVE: 7/10

he’s a f/urry. he had/has a whole ass wife, a ton of kids, and still canoodles with henry wtf do you think

Tagged by: stolen :)

Tagging: @orangeshinigami @auburniivenus @mechanicaldance @faultyconscience @riiese and if u see it, you

#if i tagged u twixe its bc i assumed it didnt tag u in the first one #i wanna kill him | headcanons #out.#williams the worst pass it on

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what-if-nct · 7 months

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hiiii oh my god what a day ok so today's reminder is one: Kun out-twerking all of wayv, who would have ever thought this day would come? look at my husband i love him. also related: Jessi almost taking Johnny's eye out and then twerking to camera is still the most hilarious thing to me. two: taemin's new song is out and holy fuck it's everything i wanted and more. first of all i love how androgynous everything was, that was one of the first things i noticed, and it has been something that taemin has vocally been leaning into but it's such a treat to see it executed this well. second the song the sensuality the imagery the hands the chasing the dogpiles the debauchery holy fuck who is doing it like him? the teaser gave me big conversion camp vibes, but the mv itself felt so far above sexuality as labels, and the way that taemin was portrayed as a corrupting/liberating force in equal measures was just so interesting to watch. also i always love seeing him in a crown. i can't wait to see the stage for this song, i think it might be my new favourite. also cannot wait to sit down and listen to the album, i just know it's gonna be a masterpiece

Hii, seriously I didn't expect Kun to out twerk ten but he did that. Also something about Jessi and Johnny joking around just makes so much sense to my brain like this should be happening. And it should happen more. Yes it exceeded any of my expectations. The song alone is absolutely phenomenal and beautiful but the music video was genuine and pure performance art at it's finest. Like I was absolutely blown away and I'm sure there's tons of symbolism layered within it when I look at it more. The choreography is one of my favorite forms of dance, expressionist dance mixed with modern dance and it was beautiful. It's definitely Taemin's signature style. I bet it's just as amazing live.

Also my friend reminded me of this moment.

And I think we moved on too quickly from this, like it just has strong summer with friends drinking slushies and watching boys run around in the sun and trying to get their attention vibes. Also Jungwoo looks so good, like his hair his outfit everything oh my god. And like I'm not one but I get the Jaehyun girlies, I get it I understand I love that for them.

Super random but kinda related to how boys can be shirtless in public but women cant but the other day I had ordered food and despite it saying leave at the door the delivery guy knocked. So I went to get it and forgot I can't go to the door just in my bra cause thats just how i walk around the house its normal for me and the delivery guy was like licking his lip while looking at me and kept me at the door a little too long he only spoke spanish but I was able to understand enough to respond till he gave me my order. And like pretty much it's my fault for not wearing clothes but I don't know it made me feel weird but I'm probably just thinking too much about it. Like I don't care about that kind of attention if I'm intentionally seeking it and I don't care if anyone looks that's none of my business but like to withhold my stuff while trying to keep me at the door felt weird I don't know I'm probably over thinking it.

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forestryfae · 9 months

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i dont. understand. when are they expecting us to be able to do laundry. i have an hour in the morning i guess but i physically cant get myself out of bed unless its absolutely the last minute and they dont wait for you to hang up your laundry, theyll just drive away from you.

theres also an hour right after i come home from work but generally i need it to change clothes or shower and to regain some of my energy.

after dinner theres like 2 hours but jesus christ i JUST got back from work and i share laundryday with another guy, i have no idea how much laundry hes gonna do

then theres a meeting every other monday and a dumb bullshit hike that takes like 2 hours then were back around 7:30 or 8 i think and generally after a long tiring hike where noone waits for you so you dont get even one break even tho your legs are burning there isnt much energy for laundry. and then theres that one meal we get afterwards as a reward or whatever for the hike and then at 9 they lock the laundryroom.

so theres like 1 and a half hours there too ig but who has the fucking energy. we need showers too. and to eat. so like yeah theres like a few hours here and there and one load of laundry takes half an hour with the big machine but thats still a very tight schedule. esp considering they REALLY want us to go on the hikes cus its An AcTiViTy ThAtS gOoD fOr YoU.

like. i have limited energy and i only have so much time in the day. i can only do so much in one day before i run out of energy and i need to be allowed to be tired and need to rest too. i dont function well on tuesday evenings specifically because im exhausted. its why i take wednesdays and fridays off. i need the extra rest and time. like. idk how to even explain it without sounding lazy and whiny and kinda pathetic for not being able to do a million things a day back to back. but i actually need time to decompress and shit. idk.

the point ismondays are a shit day to do laundry, i dont want to do it on wednesdays cus i like to have time off but im expected to clean my room the millisecond i wake up and im more often than not woken up with "good morning, what are you going to do today, i think you should do laundry and cleanyour room" like thanks now i cant get out of bed until 12 and i cant do anything i was planning to do cus yall wont stop fucking pestering me if i dont do whats expected of me every single minute im alive, and they never fucking check when i actually do clean and usually cleaning my room results in 'you missed a spot'. like why even botver. its so fucking stressfull and i dont know how to stop bekng stressed and when people try to help they make it worse and itpisses me off so much, i hate having people mess witvmy stuff and moving shit around and touching fucking dirty clothes then moving clean stuff.

like jesus christ im allowed to be tired. i need to be allowed to have hobbies and free time that doesnt result in my brain being occupied by being pissed cus someone told me what im Supposed to do instead of just allowing me to fucking do what i need or want to do. like can i get five fucking minutes where i dont feel guilty cus i dont shower fast enough or i dont mop the floor fast enough and i dont walk fast enough and im not strong enough to just do shit without ever getting tired or needing rest.

were not even doing real therapy rn, i wanted a psychologist and i still havent gotten one, i wanted to talk to the economics guy and i still havent been able to, i cant talk to anyone who isnt my primary contact and i have no idea how to even reach out to her plus shes not always working so i dont always see her, and like. a lot of the time i feel like whatever i say is just Too Emotional and its not actually worth the time but my guy my parents have been treating me like i dont deserve to exist in front of them since i was a fucking toddler and when i got bullied in school my parents thought that was my own fault for getting angry that i was being treated like shit. i didnt fucking grow up with people who cared about me unless it suited them, im fucking allowed to be upset and confused and terrified and worried about shit. it makes perfect sense that i dont understand any fucking thing and im struggling so fucking much. i should be getting help and getting rid of the shitty fucking house and getting diagnosed and maybe even medicated. i should be in fucking therapy and i should be talking to SOMEONE about shit instead of sitting in my room crying every weekend cus i dont know whats wrong with me and im starting to get worried that im just too fucked up to be fixable or atleast able to be liked by people

in other news the laundrymachine was taken and theres stuff hanging to dry cus the people working here did laundry today and now i have to wait until saturday and i have like 2 tshirts and 2 pants and one bra and one sweater thats clean and that will not last until monday

#talkies

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nsfsprince · 3 years

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An a/b/o idea thats taken over the brain that I wish to write:

Intruxietlogical A/B/O au that's set in a manor or smth?

Theres Alpha!Logan(cismale), head of the manor and a very rich yet young and respectable individual of the city. Hes like 6'4 and handsome as hell, and secretly knows it(due to Remus's persistent courting) but sees no point in personally flaunting it, letting Remus take the lead in that.

Then theres his eccentric Omega spouse, Remus(nonbinary leaning with he/him pronouns), the (in)famous artist of the city. Hes unusually tall for an Omega at 5'10, crude and unworried about fitting the 'normal' societal omega expectation despite also being born to a rich family. He courted Logan, persistantly, as he loved the fact that Logan treated him with the same respect as he would anyone else and never judged Remus for who he was, and the more Logan accepted the courting the more they fell in love before marrying and bonding at like. 23-25?

Well, Virgil is a 5'1 omega(transman with he/him pronouns), age 24. Hes a feisty little thing thats been surviving the streets for too long, he's parentless and, his high anxiety keeps him safer than most omegas on their own but no ones perfect- he ends up almost getting abducted by a sketchy Alpha when a Beta named Patton storms in and saves him.

That's how Patton, Logan's brother, takes him in to treat the sprained wrist he got from the encounter, and for Remus to set eyes on Virgil and immediately decide he wants to keep and court him, too.

I could ramble alot about the months it takes for remus to flirt and fluster and break Virgil out of his shy terrified shell(because hes gone from interacting with fellow street raccoons to very weathy and very Pretty nobility and its. A Lot.

I could ramble about the way both Remus and Logan coax Virgil into staying in their home for more and more ludicrously simple reasons, just to keep courting him, and how Virgil catches on, and flusteredly does nothing to stop it bc he's slowly falling in love too

But what I Really wanna ramble about, is their bedroom dynamics.

Content warning for under the cut: a/b/o dynamics, talk/descriptions of knotting, polyamourus relationships, kinks. Lots of kinks: oralfixation, dom/sub/switch dynamics, praise kink, overstim(lots of overstim), talk of double penatration, p in v sex, ect. Let me know if i missed anything!

MINORS DNI or you will be fully blocked from this blog and my main one.

Logan is a soft but firm dom, always in control and ready to take control. He has a bit of an oral fixation and loves sucking off his loves as often as he can, happy to sate his loves while getting them to soak themselves in fresh slick. He's easily comanding when needed but also enjoys that Remus is more than willing to take control on occasion(see: regularly). He just really really likes taking care of his loves however he can, and aftercare is super important especially after some of their more intense scenes

Remus is a bossy switch, who Loves riding Logan's cock till hes stuck on his knot, or getting fucked up against a wall till his mind turns to jelly. Really likes a bit of primal play, loves riling Logan up with praising how good Logan could breed him(even tho theyre all on birth control so it really is just for the scenes) if he just pins him down and takes. On the flip side, Re also loves pinning Virgil down and driving him crazy, too.

Virgil is a near complete submissive, he's eagar to give and take as ordered and melts at any praise given. Starting out he'd been touch straved beyond belief(which has since been remedied thoroughly) and thus ended up developing a habit of dropping into subspace the moment Logan and/or Remus cradle his neck with both hands. Hes a very affectionate sub who puts so much of his trust and control into Logan and Remus's hands, and both cherish it as Virgil literally never lets his guard down around anyone else.

So, my favorite thing about their dynamic is that Remus still has a decent sized cock despite being an omega, like is actually rather big for Virgil to take, the draw back is just that Remus cant, at least naturally, Knot Virgil like Logan can. (However, its like one of Remus's biggest fantasies to Knot Virgil, and Virgil is totally in the same boat and would be Very on board with it)

This lack of natural knot doesnt stop Remus of course, infact its encouraging because he has a nearly non-existant refractory period so, literally imagine:

Virgil on his back, Virgil's head and shoulders are cradled lovingly in Logan's lap as the alpha occassionally trades kisses with both of his gorgeous omegas. Virgil's legs spread and cunt gently held nice and open by Logan's gentle but firm hands as Remus repeatedly sinks his cock nice and deep into Virgil. Slick soaks Virge and Remus's thighs, his cunt, and Remus's cock.

Every thrust has Virgil whimpering and his legs twitching with the relentless feeling of the head of Remus's cock just barley rutting against his cervix on every other pass. Just the hot way Remus has Virgil pinned into a mating press and obviously working hard to make that position live up to its name, babbling at how good Virgil feels taking his cock like a good little omega, at how easy it is to breed Virgil over and over and over again.

Then Logan enacts this little idea hes been holding onto the moment Remus starts to get close(hes trained Remus well, having helped him train to stall his orgasms for longer and longer because Remus LOVES overstimmulation). He has Remus slow down for just a moment, causing both omegas to whine, before coating two fingers in plenty of slick and slowly pressing them in alongside Remus's cock.

Virgil is slowly losing his mind(as they find out in later sessions that he absolutely has a size kink, and would happily take both their cocks at once any time hes given the chance) at the width, his eyes rolling. Then Remus is told to start thrusting again until he comes, and to ignore Logan's two fingers outside of being careful.

Virgil and Remus are so keyed up that it only takes another minute or so for Remus to start cumming, following Logan's order of pressing all the way inside as deep as he can get, at which point is Logan's cue to start curling his fingers firmly deep inside of Virgils walls.

Immediately, Virgil starts whimpering loudly as he cums, his body reacting the way it would if he were being knotted by an alpha, cunt clenching tight and sucking Remus's cock deeper as his eyes squeeze closed and his jaw fall lax, overwhelmed as his body draws out his orgasm for as long as hes knotted.

Remus is put in a mind-melting world of pleasurable overstimmulation as hes just climaxed and Virgils cunt is milking it for all hes got and he cant even move or pull out now because hes 'locked' inside. His hips and legs are trembling and he's moaning loudly because it's so hot that hes basically getting to Knot Virgil and it feels so good.

Virgil's cunt won't let him go and wont stop pulsing around the head his oversensitive cock and he really cant be faulted for the way he loses control and just keeps orgasming, his lack of refractory period as a keyed up omega just letting him squirt more and more cum and slick deep into the omega under him.

Logan's gentle and soothing, cooing reassurances to his two loves as he helps them lose their minds & fulfil their fantasies. He even uses his free hand to stroke Virgils little cock slowly, drawing out shaking whines from both of them as it makes Virgil clench harder in intervals. Remus ends up hunched over Virgil, his face tucked into his fellow omega's neck to muffle his overstimulated whimpers.

Logan draws it out for a minute or two, just until pleasured and overwhelmed tears picks at their eyes and their soft begging whimpers and mewls fill the room before slowly releasing the hold, letting the string of tension snap and watching them unravel and relax, finishing their peaks.

Remus cant help the way he struggles to pull out, so oversensitive that his hips keep hitching back in place with the way Virgils body tries to keep him there, needing Logan to pull their hips apart to fully end the scene.

Logan strokes and comforts both exhausted omegas, now fully in his element, cooing soft reassurances to both, getting up to start a bath and carefully guiding them both in and cleaning them up. The sheets are changed and both are put in soft clothing and given juice and cuddles.

Remus would probably make a comment on asking drowsily just how Logan deals with being knotted to him for in upwards of 30 minutes if it feels like /That/ the whole time. Logan would probably just smile sweetly and press a sweet kiss to his lips and say "with experience of course, perhaps we can work on that too, if the both of you would be so inclined?"

Virgil shutters and whines, too tired to get worked up again, Remus in a similar boat but nodding drowsily anyway. Remus probably wakes up sore and gets worked up all over again at the memory of why his cock of all things is sore and sensetive.

Perhaps they do work on it, perhaps Remus is trained to a take it little longer each time, no where near half an hour for the longest time, but he gets pretty close and much better at holding from losing his mind.

Maybe then they explore what it feels like for Remus to be stuck on Logan's knot, while Virgil is stuck on Remus's 'knot' with the help of a toy. Maybe then they also explore working Virgil up to take both of their cocks, and see what happens what Logan's fingers curl just right to trigger that knotted feeling to have Virgil lose his goddamn mind impaled on both their cocks as they slowly thrust in and out despite his body thinking he's already been knotted and reacting as such.

Maybe they even explore working Virgil's other hole open, just enough to take Logan's knot, and give Remus free reign to fuck Virgil's soaking trembling cunt until they can coax Virgil's cunt into taking Remus's 'knot' as well

Idk man. Just. This whole dynamic has so many hot possibilities. 💕💕💕

#not safe for sanders #nsfs virgil #nsfs logan #nsfs remus #nsfs analomus #lodukexiety #whats their ship name??#prince writes #abo au #ask to tag #edit to add the content warning bc i hadnt had time earlier to remember it let alone put it in

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m143ui · 4 years

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A MESSAGE TO THE PJO FANDOM

so hello friends on the other side

I understand some of the major concerns regarding characters like piper and the feather and hazels description but when you bring Leo and Reyna into the fucking conversation I have lost all respect.

ANYONE CAN BE ABUSED, ETHNICITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT

LATINO CHARACTERS

Reyna is not a negative stereotype, she isn't defined by being latina and neither is Leo, he isn't a stereotype simply because he’s latino and was abused. also him being called an elf was because he was short, which had nothing to do with him being latino. also the mamacita comment like y'all hide under the label “progressive” but ignore that mamacita has been a thing in Latin American communities for a fucking while. its not an insult dammit. its something that happens in our communities!!! its like saying muchacho y'all don't see men bitching about that.

also shocker I read the mamacita comment and I can proudly say I didn't go

“RICK YOU RACIST BITCH”

things that actually happen in communities aren't racist

and before any of y'all come at me with the usual you’re white excuse, hello friends im Peruvian and Paraguayan.

I don't think he’s perfect but bitching about characters like Leo which gave many of my Latin American friends hope for similar characters destroys your “listening to minorities” argument

also the lol “hes Mexican taco bad” argument like I live in Mexico we eat tacos like every fucking day. its literally a fact. and Leo isn't just defined as taco man.

believe it or not us latinos respect rick because he gave us role models and characters like us. we don't define a character by one line and instantly call discrimination. like yes a asian character can be snobby it has nothing to do with ethnicity. y'all are making this about ethnicity. an asian character can be anything, just like a white character or a black character or a gay character. people are not simply defined by their labels like ya’ll think. y'all are just a bunch of easily triggered snowflakes that can't live with that. they can be influenced but in the end labels are labels we are all human and should be treated as such.

LGBT REPRESENTATION

another thing Reyna was never officially a lesbian that was YOUR interpretation not riordans. IF HE DIDNT STATE IT , SORRY HONEY IT ISN’T CANON! I don't care about how she was “lesbian coded” if he didn't state it it isn't canon.

I am so sick, as a lesbian, to see people use ALL QUEER DEATHS as a bury your gay tropes, what happened to seeing us as humans? why can't we be treated like any other character? if we die we die, it isn't always “haha gay evil boom death”. sometimes fully fledged characters have to die friends.

Nico isn't a bad gay character, he’s just a normal character who happens to be gay and has suffered major trauma. HIS TRAUMA WAS CAUSED BY HIS UPBRINGING, Nico isn't a 2000′s character, he’s from the 30′s, so obviously he woudn’t be perfect with his sexuality for gods sake it was the 30′s. the exact same thing happens with hazel, she isn't a modern black woman, she's a 30′s black woman. Nico’s coming out isn't him as a 21st century teen its from the time when the GOVERNMENT KILLED YOU FOR BEING GAY

also saying there are no lesbian characters? like wow look emmie and jo don't exist. Lavinia doesn't exist. poison doesn't exist. thanks fam you really make yourselves look smart here. simply because rick never said the word gay doesn't mean the gay characters don't exist friends. they are just labeled as what gay characters should be labeled as.... human.

LESBOPHOBIA & RACISM

im not educated in muslim or black culture so I won't mention characters like sam and hazel and piper because I respect and I am highly critical of what rick put in his books to describe these specific minorities.

HOWEVER saying rick is a lesbophobe, a homophobe, a racist a sexist cis guy is like do y’all wanna be taken seriously? use arguments don't hide behind words.

rick isn't a perfect writer but y'all really don't know how to criticise, y'all just hide behind big boy words and back it up with no evidence, just opinions.

rick doesn’t have the best minority rep out there but he is damn well trying and I respect that unlike all you fucking idiots.

SHIPS

now onto ships.... yay

frazel: im not gonna censor it like you pussies, believe it or not 13&16 year old relationships exist. they might not always be healthy but they exist. to deny this is to be stupid

solangelo: another ship that is censored..the main argument I've seen is that it isn't developed and will isn't even a character... he was in last olympian and lost hero not my fault y'all have fish brains. I don't care if you dislike it but don't be like “ANYONE WHO SHIPS THIS IS AN ABUSIVE WHORE” like wow you always preach about accepting all ships and then throw this? also if you hate solangelo because of the “abuse” but ship percico like hi friends Nico is 4 years younger than Percy.. if y'all hate frazel because of the 3 year age difference y'all should hate this too.

CONCLUSIONS AND SHIT

not every character minority or otherwise is gonna be the way you want them to be, believe it or not any character can be anything, black characters can be loud, white characters can be loud. if they're only loud because “haha black” then THATS an issue not the simple existence of a loud black woman who has a loud personality.

y'all be here bitching about drew and I've never heard the asian perspective of this? just a bunch of black and white people telling asians they should be offended. was that just an uno reverse?

also last point stereotypes aren't always a negative thing and y'all need to get that in your heads.

anyway stay mad hoes <3

from a sane Peruvian <3

EDIT

I saw this beauty and had to comment on it

“having LGBT characters experience abuse and violence. nicos forceful outing rubs me the wrong way, especially because hes called a coward for being in the closet. its violent and kind of disturbing to make your gay character come out of the closet by force. maybe write better. additionally, alex's abusive father and subsequent homelessness because of her being trans is badly written.”

oh noooo gay characters can't deal with homophobia anymore ! like I can tell you have never been punched for being gay. is it bad to showcase how trans and gay ppl are 40% of homeless youth? or is even mentioning that discrimination? believe it or not some of us live in countries where people try to kill us. you have an advantage and it shows. about the coward thing...

was FUCKING CUPID A GOOD CHARACTER? NO? I REST MY CASE. CUPID IS NOT SEEN AS A GOOD PERSON THEREFORE HE IS NOT A GOOD PERSON GET THAT IN YOUR THICK SKULLS.

YOU HEARD IT HERE FOLKS LGBT FOLKS DONT GET FORCED OUT OF THE CLOSET

#NEVER HAPPENS IN REALITY.

JUST BECAUSE YOU WERENT FORCED OUT OF THE CLOSET DOESNT MEAN OTHER PEOPLE HAVE THAT SAME LUXURY.

maybe stop spewing bullshit <3

(so I get that this scene can remind people of being outed and it can hurt them however this scene was never intended to be a good thing it literally says Nico is scared of facing his emotions)

EDIT NUMBER 2

oh boy rick really pissed off the snowflakes that I share a fandom with

“give Nico to the gays” no? he would be a femboy and they would yeet his trauma like ssrsly?

also hate rick? bitch no one is forcing you to read his tweets.

death of the author is such a toxic thing like the mans is alive boo he aint going nowhere..like What the fuck

EDIT NUMBER 3

anyway final thoughts on this :

nico insn’t Uwu gay and its an insult to his character

Reyna is not a lesbian canonically (neither is Thalia)

Leo and Reyna are not racist

none of ricks characters are written as insults to their communities

and if I see one more “but ....phobia/ ...ism I will do very illegal things

peace lol

RICK RIORDAN UPDATE:

congratulations rick antis! you have successfully harassed a 56 year old man into leaving social media! wow so progressive!!!! this totally won't backfire or anything!!!

all jokes aside all of you who harassed rick to the point of someone else taking over his social media should feel ashamed

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moss-sprouted · 3 years

Text

today was the first sunny day where i could just

chill in my pool by myself in

well a year i havent gotten to swim and not babysit once this year

i got to actually enjoy the sun and got to swim in the cold water

it kinda shocked my system

i see things in black and white, and i get really impulsive

i really hurt people i cared about, and i couldnt fix it and i didnt just let them go because i was so distraught about it

i got caught up in this loop of thinking it was inevitable and also thinking it wasnt my fault

i regret it, i regret the things ive done and i feel so awfully

and im trying really hard to do right by the people i have left and i wish i could have fixed it with the people i lost

i was feeling abandoned, and feeling like i wasnt communicated with

and i think its okay to Feel those feelings but how i acted and reacted wasnt okay

i feel a lot of regret and i just, want to try to be a better person

and i have to do that on my own

i get really dependent, and caught up in stuff thats happened and Why i might be upset when i should be focused on not letting my mental health and actions affect people

theres a lot i should have done better and it hurts i didnt but ive hurt a lot of people recently and in the past

it's not fair to anyone how i act, and im trying to be better about it and more rational

i cant beg people to stay when im hurting them,i need and im trying so hard to not be so caught up in my trauma and being left by other people

i can be a lot to handle and its not fair for people to do that

i need a lot of support but i should just try to

support myself, and stop being caught up in what people did or what they didnt do and focus on my actions

ive been trying to be really good lately and be rational and not lash out when bad stuff has happened since my birthday

that i got probably the worst ive ever been and i feel So much regret

i want to be a better person and im trying so hard

i need to stop trying to force people to forgive me and put up with me and put it all on them

i feel so much regret but i need to get better, ive downloaded some dbt work sheets and they've been helping my brain a little

ive been good the last few days about telling the people in my life when i have rsd and am feeling upset, but be plain that its not their fault and i think ive been doing good about it but i have to keep being good about it

no one else is responsible for my actions or my feelings and even if someone has done something to upset me i need to be better about controlling it

sorry this was a long post, im reflecting and trying to come to terms with just

how my life is now,especially when i wasnt the best person i could be and i regret it so much, i didnt treat people right and im trying so hard to do that now and i just wish i could have done it sooner,i didnt try and i put my feelings too much on other people and it wasnt fair

i feel so dumb that it took all this to shock me awake but im trying so damn hard

#bleh sorry for this i feel silly #i want to be better and im doing my best rn and i wasnt before #i need to stop focusing on not losing people and actually treat them right

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irishmacguirefucker · 4 years

Text

Truths

Or alternatively, Karen jones weasels the ranch plan out of Sean and then has a brief crisis about it

(3150 words! holy shit its long but i hope its a good read bc i worked hard on it and im pretty proud of it. You should probably read Seans hcs first buts its not necessary)

Karen Jones is not a particularly optimistic person. She wouldn't say pessimistic persay, maybe more of a realist.

There were a lot of things she felt were ultimate truths. Women would never be treated equally to men or allowed to vote, she would always despise the hot weather, she would never be good at embroidery, and she would die as she lived. Nothing but another forgotten criminal. Another gang member shot down and swept underneath the rug that was the new century.

She was sure that was what happened to Sean. Dutch says he was captured but in Karens book he may as well have died on that boat job.

But one day, somehow, those truths she clung to seemed to be wavering.

When Tilly and Mary-Beth spoke of the women in Rhodes and San Denis, or even places further like New York, fighting for their right to vote and be equal she tried to brush it off.

But it stuck out in her brain. Was the world changing? Could things be different? Sadie Adler was running around in pants like it already had for her. Maybe she was a pessimist, not a realist.

Things were changing, she could feel it. And not just in the world of politics and women's rights. (not that she thought herself much of a scholar in that area)

There were whispers around camp, Hosea left for a long time and when he came back he had a look in his eye that she just couldn't decipher. But then suddenly that look seemed to be catching on all around her. First in Arthur, though whatever was happening seemed to have put Dutch in a very grim mood.

Next it was John and Abigail Marston. Suddenly they were fighting less, and speaking in low whispers like schemers plotting some plan that Karen was still desperately trying to figure out.

The final straw was Ms. Grimshaw. She had that look in her eyes just like the rest and suddenly she was ordering the girls to start looking for legal money, legitimate jobs for the gang to get done. Suddenly, she wasn't the only suspicious one anymore.

Things stayed that way for a while, looking for legal money with sob stories and not so innocent flirting to find jobs. And it was weird, and suspicious but no matter how much she grilled Grimshaw for it, that woman was locked tighter than the bank safes they used to rob. (Used to. How incredibly odd to think that they aren't anymore)

And then suddenly, Sean Macguire was back. He was alive and safe and only a little worse for wear. Karen Jones' solid truths were all being broken and the return of the man she -was pretty sure she- loved was the last crack she could handle.

She wanted so many things at once in that moment. She wanted rum, she wanted to run to his arms and never let go, she wanted to mount old belle and escape, she wanted to curl up in one of the wagons and cry

But she did none of those things. Instead she took his greeting to her as she always had, sarcastic yet flirty, the way they had always been. Because that little game of thiers, the dancing around each other but knowing deep down (at least she thinks he knows) that she is his and he is hers.

If she changed that game, broke another solid truth that she was desperately trying to hold onto, she would be broken open and the world would suddenly become unpredictable and scary.

So she drank her beer, sat in his lap, kissed Sean, slapped him, kissed him once more and then took him to bed. And while that whole mess wasn’t the greatest experience on her end, she practically had to run from that tent because Sean had about a thousand new scars and bruises and she wasn't about the cry over it in his face. Naked. After bad sex.

After the night of Seans reunion with the gang, he seemed to hang around her a little more. Not much more than before, but now it was rare if he wasn't hanging off her skirts around camp. And she couldn't complain because she did miss him terribly, no matter what she said to his face.

In some ways she found it hard to face Hosea anymore. Right before he left on his apparently life changing trip, she had gotten particularly wasted and cried on the old man's shoulder, clinging to one of Sean’s vests.

She actually admitted, out loud that she thinks she might love Sean, but she was so sure he was dead she didn't know what to do with that thought anymore. That ‘almost’ that was floating in her head as she grieved.

When Sean came back, suddenly the memory of her drunken confession did too, and Hosea always seemed to have this weird soft smile when her and Sean spent time together. So she kinda had to avoid Hosea for a while

At some point she saw Hosea and Sean having what looked to be a deep conversation and she prayed to the god she was entirely unsure even existed that Hosea wouldn't share her secret.

Of course he didn't, and she felt a little guilty that she even thought that about the man who was in so many ways a father figure to her. But he told Sean something because suddenly, even Sean had that look in his eye.

The plotting, scheming, planning look that was catching around the camp like a disease and suddenly, she would pay any amount of money to know just what they were plotting. She knows that it's big, bigger than anything they have even done.

Sean was never able to keep a secret from her for very long. She knew that if she got on his case about it he would likely spill, so thats exactly what she did. But then suddenly Sean was no longer hanging off her skirts, and seemed to be avoiding her as much as he could.

His absence from her side was obvious. There was nobody pestering her (other than grimshaw), nobody sitting with her while she drank her morning coffee, nobody sneaking up behind her to spin her around just to see her get all flushed and mad, nobody to give her a cheeky kiss as he promised not to do it again with his fingers crossed behind his back.

Karen Jones is far from stupid, she knows that she must have been getting close to something if Sean was leaving her alone on his own free will.

So finally she caught him on guard duty. It was near the end of his shift and she made her way into the trees that hid their camp from the world.

She knew what she wanted to say, but once they locked eyes he immediately looked so nervous that she almost laughed at the shifting feet and darting eyes of the man in front of her.

She nearly forgot she had brought him a mug of coffee, and handed it to him wordlessly. He thanked her quietly and then everything was silent. Far too silent to be normal for Sean “I never stop talking even when I’m in mortal danger” Macguire.

“You’re awfully quiet Sean, ain't like you.”

A pause. More darting eyes. “Ah yes well I'm on duty, can't let those bastards out the woods hear me talking up a storm.”

Another pause. A chuckle under Karen's breath.

“Ain’t never stopped you before.”

Briefly he smiled, and looked into the blonde’s eyes. “That it hasn’t Karen my love, but I'm not looking to get another cuff up the back of me head from Hosea for forgetting to keep me fuckin’ mouth shut.”

For a moment he looked like he might start acting normally again before he remembered just why he was avoiding her. Suddenly he was staring at his boots once more. Some guard he is.

“Right. You and Hosea been talking a lot lately. In fact, a lot of people seem to be talkin’ with Hosea ‘cept me it seems.” That was her own fault for avoiding him, but she wouldn't say that.

Sean looked uncomfortable with this conversation, looking past Karen to see if anyone was on their way to take his shift. She hoped that meant she was close to cracking him.

“Ah yes well, you know how it is with the old man. Always wanting to have long discussions about the glory days, or give ya advice ya didn't ask for.”

“I suppose. But you know what I think Sean?”

Sean has never looked this nervous before she thinks.

“What's that love?” Bold of him to ask anyways, she will give him that.

“I think yall are plotting something, and you're keeping secrets Mr. Macguire.”

She watched as the irish man stiffened, took a look around, threw back his coffee and sighed. They both knew he wouldn't be able to keep anything from her for long, perhaps he was finally accepting that.

“I just might be Ms. Jones, but I hardly think it's much of your business to be pryin’ it out of me is it?”

Sean hardly sounded like himself to her ears. Sure, he could be nasty out on a job but never to her. She considered this man to be her best friend, the man she was almost sure she was in love with, and he was slapping her away like she was nothing but a fly bothering him. She can count on one hand the amount of secrets she had ever kept from him.

He always had a way of pulling them out of her, because he always wanted her to be happy around him. He wanted to know her problems not to fix them, but to distract her from them.

She had always thought it was a sort of mutual agreement. They were close. Not just friends but not quite together. Close enough that they had a bond neither could deny. So the idea that hes been avoiding her for some reason and would get so nastily defensive when she asked? It hurt.

But she wouldn't let him know that. That's not how the game works. But suddenly all these changes around her gave her the courage to say screw the game.

“Screw you Sean Macguire. How fucking dare you.”

“Karen-”

“No, you wanna keep your mouth shut about this then you can keep your big mouth shut while i yell at you. How dare you talk to me like that. How dare you keep secrets when never in my life have i ever been able to keep a secret from you. No wait, I kept one secret from you didn’t I? I never told you that I thought you were god damn dead.”

That and the fact that she was in love with him. When did she suddenly become sure of that fact? Not that it matters. She was already saying more than she meant to.

“I thought you were dead in the ground and it damn near broke me. You are my best friend, and you have the god damn fucking balls to tell me its none of my buisness why you wont even look my way for 3 weeks. Go to hell Macguire, you don't wanna speak to me then fine. Don’t. I don't want you around no more either you bastard.”

It took one look at the young man's face to make her eyes start watering, and then she was marching back to camp. Like hell she would let him see her cry after that mess.

She almost wanted him to run after her. To apologise and tell her why he can barely look at her, and hold her as she cried. But he was on guard duty so that wasn’t an option, and that wasn't how their relationship worked.

She didn't see him again for a while. She took the work Grimshaw gave her down to the lake, and watched Jack wade in the water trying to catch a crab or a fish while she sewed up a shirt. When she got up to get more clothes she saw Sean conspiring with Hosea once more and refused to even give him another glance. She watched Pearson fish off the dock for a while, whilst she stitched a blanket, she watched the sun get lower in the sky till it lit up like the campfire.

And then out of the corner of her eye she saw a lanky leg step over the log she was on, and then he was sitting beside her.

She didn't look up. He didn't speak. He nudged a bottle of beer her way, and she took it without a word.

The sun had just barely sunk below the horizon when he cleared his throat and took a breath to speak up. She cut him off before he could start.

“Don’t start Sean, I don't want your damn apologies.”

“Well then it's a bloody good thing I wasn't about to apologise love.”

She wished he wouldn’t call her that. It's not like she exactly had time to process the whole being in love revelation she had earlier.

“What the hell do you want then.”

“I want to tell you a secret.”

She scoffed and started to stand up, but he grabbed her waist before she could, and she looked him in the face for the first time since that morning when they fought. “Let me go Sean Macguire, I don't wanna hear it.”

“Oh hush, yes ya do. I couldn't bloody well tell you this mornin’, it weren't my secret to tell you. But I had a little talk with Hosea, and he gave me then blessin’ to share with you.”

He couldn't tell her because it wasn't his to share. So here she was getting angry at him for something that wasn't even his fault. Not that there was no reason at all.

“Dammit Sean, the hell does that have to do with you avoidin’ me like the god damned plague. You could have said you can't tell me and I woulda’ left you the hell alone about it.”

“Now that is a dirty lie Ms. Jones, I have not successfully kept anythin’ from you in my whole life. You knew what I was going to give you for your birthday the day I stole the damned thing. I wasn't able to risk something this important falling out of my big mouth because you distracted me with your beauty.”

He was trying to abate her anger, and the fact that it was nearly working only served to anger her more. How dare he sit there and nearly make her laugh when he was apparently keeping some giant secret from her.

“Fine Sean. What's the big secret that's been makin’ you run away from me like a dog afraid of his own shadow.”

“Well my love, you had better get comfortable, this is quite the tale and I happen to be quite the storyteller.” And before she could tell him to get the hell on with it, he started doing what he does best. Talking.

It took him nearly a fucking hour to get to the point. He told her everything he knew about the ranch plan, every word Hosea had said to him about it, all the way up to him begging Hosea to let him tell Karen about it. By the time he finished, both their beers were gone and everything Karen had known her whole life was slipping through her fingers like the sand beneath their feet.

“-an’ Hosea says that nobody has to go with him, we can all go our separate ways and such but that's what his plan is. Him and the bloody Marstons and Arthur and everyone else they can get are going with him. And Dutch was planning on telling everyone as soon as we had the money to do it and I only know because I’m fuckin’ excellent at eavesdropping. But Arthur caught me sneaking off and told me to keep me trap shut about it so I did.”

She stared at him in stunned silence. Half the gang was plotting a move to New Austin to start a ranch in the middle of nowhere. Finally she managed to get her thoughts together just long enough to spit out the words “The one fucking time you can follow a god damned direction.”

And that was enough to make him laugh. And he sat there and laughed like they weren't getting their worlds turned upside down.

All the things Karen considered to be complete unbreakable truths were shattering. She was looking at this offer of a real life that wouldn't end in her premature death and it terrified her, but at the same time nothing had ever looked so good.

“I'm still mad that you avoided me like that.”

“Don’t think you've ever screamed at me quite like you did this morning Ms. Jones.”

“I did not scream at you, you were on guard duty.”

“You bloody did. The bird flocked out of the trees. Some broad on the street heard you and said ‘I wonder what stupid bloke pissed of that woman’”

“Are you going? To the ranch with Hosea?” She didn’t notice that over time she had practically ended up in his lap until just now.

“Well Ms. Jones, that all depends on where you're planning on going.”

Sean Macguire had confessed his love to her many times, drunk and sober. But she never thought any of them sincere until now. Here was Sean Macguire, willing to follow her wherever she may go. And it terrified her just as much as the idea of the ranch did. But just like the ranch, nothing had ever looked quite so safe, so sweet, so good.

She knew she wasn't ready to tell Sean she loved him yet. It was nice to know he loved her, and that she was hardly going to get rejected should she tell him. But she wasn't ready yet.

So instead she said “I think that I'm gonna go with Hosea and Arthur and them. To be ranchers or whatever the hell they wanna do.”

“Then I guess we’re gonna be ranchers! Though I was never good with bloody livestock.” and that made Karen laugh good and proper.

Karen Jones feels that a few things will always be ultimate truths. She would always despise the hot weather, she would never be good at embroidery no matter how hard she tried, that Sean Macguire loved her to the ends of the earth and back, and that she loved him too.

Being ranchers meant she would likely never have to lose him again, and so ranchers they would be.

#sorry if theres mistakes and also that its so long lmao #karen jones #sean macguire #rdr2 #ranch au #rdr2 ranch au #rdr2 au #everyone lives #Arthur morgan #hosea matthews #headcanons #fic #au #susan grimshaw

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aylaspeaches · 3 years

Text

Thoughts

A fic going through the multiple thoughts Atlas has a day

(fair warning Atlas cant think about just one thing at a time, his brain is everywhere, so the topic does change quite a bit)

Word count: 905 words

Its pretty short, and was mostly a workout for me, cause im just now getting back into writing <3

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everything was so cold, like a blizzard, ever since she left me, my heart has been in capsulized by the freezing cold, of past memories. She didnt necessarily leave me, she just, died. Slipped off a ledge, down into the ocean, I tried to jump, to hop to get to her, but by the time had drowned myself in the ocean, I saw her. Dead, her body punctured on a rock. All that, for the fact of her using magic, All of that, just because she was trying to treat her son? was it my fault.

The thought in itself haunts me.

Was it my fault my mother was dead? its been over 8 years but the thought, keeps flickering back in my brain, and I fear it might emerge again as a roaring flame, like It did to me as a child. If I hadn’t gone out to play with that deer, in the freezing cold, if I wouldn't have gained a fever, if I didnt get worse so she didnt have to treat me with her magic, would she still be alive?

I shove the thought from my mind.

I was his fault, If he didn’t add that damn law to the village we wouldn't have both almost died, that terrible, insolent, sorry excuse for a father.

That stick was so far up his ass, and at this point, it was more like some solid cock, the the generals cock that he was obviously sucking to keep his place in court.

-------------------------------------------------------------

He wasn't worth it, thats why I cut him out of my life.

And none the less, I had Ruth. the morning always excites me, another day another trip, another probably meeting a hot stranger at a bar and sleeping with them because I have no self control. The uge.

Everything goes well till I sleep. I dont like sleeping, my dreams are always tainted with agony, the same pattern, over and over again, it always starts out with my father telling me no one would want me, then cuts to me and my mother being chased and then. This time it was different. When I ran off the cliff, to get my mother, I could see myself as well. Me, now. Jumping off, my magic guiding me over the stream, it was, different, from the rest, I didnt wake up screaming, begging for my mother this time, which was, nice, to say the least, and I felt this overwhelming warmness.

I felt safe.

I got that same feeling when I met ruth, she's been the only thing ive had since I was young. So tall, so broad, she looked like she knew how to scare the crap out of any guy who pissed her off, and she was always sweet to me.

She’s trustworthy., I know that cause the first time she met my father she threatened to castrate him and shove his dick down his throat. The look on his face was amazing and ive never wanted to hug someone so badly in my entire life.

I feel so bad for her, she acts so strong and tough, but i’ve seen her cry. She cried when she saw me injured, she cried when she realized couldn't have a kid. She always treats me as if im just her partner, her friend, but sometimes you can tell she has that motherly love. It breaks my heart to see her like that.

But only I know about that, she refuses to tell anyone else, she doesnt want them to see her in pain, in agony, and I hate it cause I can, I can see all of the sorrow she tries to hide. To me, she kind of is a mother, she always looks out for me, protecting me, caring for me, comforting me. She cares.

______________________________________________________________________

Y’know, I always hated labels, its so hard to conform to them, I mean, ive settled on being gender fluid so people stop asking me how I identify, but, that still doesnt supplement for some people.

I guess, considering how im “masculine” appearing, men just assume im a guy, that is, until they find out I have a pussy, its so funny, the bizarre look on their face when they realized I didnt have a dick. Not like I dont have a strap y’know, rude.

I guess, I hate labels because it makes me feel like I have to conform to a box that I just don’t fit in. I don’t like the whole gender concept cause it makes me feel like I have to conform to male, or female, masc, or fem presenting, can’t I just be a human being who can do magic and shit? I guess, there is places where I dont get those questions, where I can be me freely with no questions asked, but my job makes me go to the absolute shitties places, where all the misogynistic assholes who cant keep them hands to themselves, and LOVE to ask those questions, are. It sucks.

I can't even count the amount of times ive told I guy wasn’t in the mood and I had to stab his fucking hand so it wouldn't roam around my fucking ass. There is nice places, but I, never get enough time, to visit the nice places, only stuck going to the “we’re fucking asshats” places.

I honestly just wish I could go home.

______________________________________________________________________

#Atlas Bentlee Ártar #Ruthie Sloane

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carternate · 4 years

Text

i really dont understand my own feelings

and im fucking terrified of myself.

i refuse to say im okay anymore. my head isnt okay

what im feeling isnt fucking normal

and i take it out on my girlfriend but in the same respect im terrified of telling her shit because i will be exposed. i trust her i want her and i love her more than anything. but i dont know how to explain my emotions anymore. i never did actually. im a fucking mess in general. i hate that i feel stuck in a prison of my own body. its not the dumb ass transgender feeling

its a literal feeling of a cage.

i hate the people in my past. i hate that they still have an impact

i hate that i cant control myself like i used to be able to and that i cant even take my medication because i tell myself im too tough for it lmao. i literally was so close to ending my life, but in an instant this time. not some pussy shit where i begged for help and then it was possible for someone to save me

i almost really just ended it. ended it because i didnt find value in it.

i dont feel good enough and everything seems wrong

but i want to be okay and be good and make it to heaven. i used to have a passion

i used to love god with all my heart but i cant even understand it anymore

its noones fault but my own

and that hurts even more

i cant even try to blame it on another its on me this time

ive lost control

i cant even think long enough to listen in my hour long class.

i thought i was broken before because of a family that degraded me

but whatever the fuck i feel now feels eighty times worse

but i keep it internal and i cant keep it in anymore

im going to fucking explode

im falling apart completely

and im going insane

and i dont feel that i belong here

i literally will sit in my car and think of scenarios

but when i actually start to FEEL its absolutely ridiculous and insane

and SO much.

i try to bring positivity and help anna

and i try to be sure that sentences like this dont happen

but flashbacks hit me hard

the hospital, that week. that first week was insane.

its fucked to say

but i felt like i belonged there. i felt like that could be my home. from the daily vitals,to the little kid that cried in the cornwr, to the creepy ass schizophrenic girl that was my roommate, to jenna, to my freak outs.

i was crazy. but i got to take it out and do it and have people who understood it and tried to help.

geneva ohio. is not a place where i can be okay and myself authentically

i cant even be myself at my fucking work place.

nobody understands shit other than the kids that were there

during our group sessions and even during school i felt like it was okay.

there is just a hole in my head that i can not find anything to fill

im curious about everything and i hve no idea what about

i have questions

so fucking many

and noone wants to hear them

i hate that i cant concentrate

i hate that when i tell my dad im not okay i cant even look him in the eye because all i can picture is coming out of the ambulance and seeing my mom and dad looking at me screaming what hppened

and i have never felt like that in my life.

i cant let go of that. i cant let go of the visual of mallory laying at the edge of my bed before i got sent away to laurelwood looking at me like “fuck dude. you really tried.” she looked sorry for me, but not the kind that people like want. not the kind of compassion

but the scared kind. she looked scared of me. nothing has been the same aince.i want to drown iut my thoughts

and my stupid fucking stutter

and i want to lay in annas arms and cry everything out

but i also want to fucking beat the shit out of someone

and thats not me. im not violent. but i want to like bEAT THE SHIT out of someone. anyone at this point. but whatever

i dont understand how things that are so fucking simple to other people are like fucking complete brain aches for me.

i cant go anywhere alone because i am scared of being physically alone but mentally ive never been more lonely and that scares me.

the story never ends i guess.

i hate how my mind can be spinning in circles and people that say they are there can be right next to me complaining and have no idea i want to jab a knife into my body lol

but then all i would be is a coward if i just ended it all. it would technically be the easy way out and i dont want to be that person. thinking about death doesnt really even scare me anymore, and that thought scares me more than death itself.

in a perfect world i guess everything would be fine

and i would be happy

and never necessarily need to think about things that hurt me or have those little bullets shot at my head with every turn i take.

but thats not reality, and realizing that alone needs

to be a priority that i take.

i probably wont ever live a life without triggers, depression, or anxiety.

and that fucking sucks.

especially because i know that people fake their mental illness just for the attention and they dont have to live with something that prevents them from doing everyday activities or being terrified of little shit

but in my opinion that attention people seek from illness or anything in general is the worst part about it. i hate when people find out about the hospital.

i get embarrassed regardless of how many times people will tell me its okay

like sure its okay. but its not normal. going to a mental institution shouldnt be something everyone does

or everyone knows someone who went. thats just fucked. and i hate that im someone that people will be like “oh emily went to one” or the questions i will get from people are absolutely morbid and NOT their business but i feel obligated to talk about it when people ask. its a fucked up world dude. and sometimes im really fucking sick of living in it.

i just want to be okay again, even if its for a second. just a second of peace and a second of understanding. a fucking break would be nice?

a vacation away with anna and my kitty? if i could get that right now my entire heart would be full. i need two weeks to mentally get myself okay again. but lucky for me that’s not possible, and some may say “welcome to the adult world” and that is such a fucking understatement.

this is never going to be over

and im always going to not be afraid of death and im always going to not know shit about myself and im always not going to treat anyone right and i cant fucking even breathe when im walking yet i still have to work daily. and im so sick of it from beginning to end. and i want my story to fucking end already.

God if you can see this by some small celestial chance you actually give a shit about Earth and its inhabitants fucking help me.

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pocmuzings · 4 years

Note

[1] hello again. i am the anon that sparked the nessie discussion. i’ve thought about this for a while now, but i feel it is important to tell you that i am not poc, and that the misinterpretation that i am was my fault. in saying “other poc muns” i meant “other muns who are poc”.

( cont’d ) in my nervousness typing out the message i mixed up my words, but that is besides the point i am trying to make right now. my reason for coming to you again is because i have been reading everything you’ve been posting, and i agree with all of you. and i would like to emphasize something you posted earlier: “white people in the rpc, where the fuck were you ?” my initial reason for coming forward is because i saw the way that my fellow white roleplayers sat in silence and allowed nessie to be a despicable human. i saw how they ignored my friends who were the targets of her microaggressions, even when they were brave enough to speak up. some of them are now apologizing, and its up to you to decide if you accept it or bot, but there are still many others who have not come forward. i need other white members to know that the fight against racism in this community is ON US TO CHANGE, SINCE WE ARE THE OFFENDERS AND OPPRESSORS . we need to hold others accountable, ESPECIALLY THOSE WE CONSIDER OUR FRIENDS. we HAVE to do MORE, and when we do it will STILL NOT BE ENOUGH until everyone feels welcome and appreciated in this community. there is a desire to be better here by so many of you white muns, and that is incredible, but desire is nothing when there is no action behind it. coming forward about nessie has made me sick for days, but i have no regrets since it opened a dialogue for other voices (especially the voices of poc) to share their experiences. more importantly, i wanted to come forward because i want nessie and her racist, narcissistic, twisted brain to know that this isn’t an attack or a “witchhunt” by poc, as many white people like to make themselves the victim of those she hurt, since she has so little self awareness to care about anyone but herself. /EVERYONE/ IS ANGRY AT YOU, NESSIE, AND /EVERYONE/,OF ALL WALKS OF LIFE, WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR BEHAVIOR NO MATTER WHAT ALIAS YOU HIDE BEHIND. WHITE ROLEPLAYERS: the time to be better to our friends and writing partners is NOW. LISTEN to them when they come to you about others, and they will because so many of you are still toxic. HOLD your fellow white players ACCOUNTABLE. END OF.

hello and thank you for returning ! thank you for ( somewhat accidentally ) starting this huge discussion about race and microaggressions within the rpc . i know that isn’t what you intended , but it sparked something that is hopefully making people listen . especially white people , and thats important . i agree with your messages so intensely and strongly , and i hope other people , ESPECIALLY WHITE PEOPLE , will read this , reblog , and agree as well . please , please, please show your fucking alliance and stand with muns of colour in the rpc . if anything on my blog , please just follow this . please . please call shit out if you are white and notice something wrong / that doesnt sit well with you . you literally DO have the power , and the advantage of being listened to be your white peers . please . please support us . please help us . i’m begging you . hold each other accountable . treat your friends of colour and muns of colour better . we deserve better .

#pls reblog #white ppl listen to other white ppl #its the sad fucking truth #but it IS the truth #so pls if ur white especially #reblog this #and pls make sure u r doing right by the rest of us #we r so tired of all the hate and the remarks #its constant #its all the fucking time #please.#shutup g.#important #Anonymous #nessie psa

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thought-42 · 4 years

Text

Clone Wars fic Day Four

Sometimes the next day is two months later leave me alone. Today on the pointless modern au: Obi-Wan gets many visitors at work and handles it... poorly. Part One Part Two Part Three

Cody appears in the Starbucks ten minutes before Obi-Wan's shift ends.

"I'm giving you decaf," Obi-Wan tells him, watching the vein in his forehead pulse in fascination. His hands are shaking slightly.

"I'm driving you to the party," Cody says. "If anyone asks, you don't get off for another hour and wouldn't have been able to make it across town in time."

"Are you having a Day?"

The after-school rush has passed, and there's no one behind Cody in line, so Obi-Wan hands him his change then leans on the counter, hands clasped as he studies Cody. His coworker is nineteen and far more interested in sneaking glances at his phone than reporting Obi-Wan to their shift manager where she's unpacking deliveries in the back, so he's free to take as long a look as he likes.

"I'm fine," Cody says. "This is fine. Everyone here is absolutely fine."

"You have glitter in your hair."

"I also have dried lentils and blood in my hair," Cody says, alarmingly at peace with this state of affairs. "I took the day off to get everything ready for this party, I have no idea how this is still such a mess."

Obi-Wan makes a note to check him for concussion before he lets him drive him anywhere. "I'm sure Rex will appreciate all your work."

"He'd better," Cody says darkly.

"You only turn twenty-one once, I suppose."

"Somehow I don't remember my twenty-first birthday being that much work."

"Yes, well, it's all rather dependent on where you live, isn't it?" Obi-Wan does not actually remember his twenty-first birthday and he hadn't been in the States at the time, so he really hasn't got a leg to stand on. Cody doesn't need to know that.

"We need to pick up the cake on our way back," Cody says, tapping a finger on the counter. "Don't let me forget."

"I thought your dad was making it?"

Cody laughs and it's perhaps the most soulless thing Obi-Wan's heard in his life. "Me too."

Obi-Wan pats his hand lightly and slides down the counter. "I've changed my mind," he says. "You're getting herbal tea."

"This is harassment," Cody says, absently, tugging out his phone and frowning at whatever he sees. "Did you know Anakin is bringing his girlfriend?"

Obi-Wan huffs. "I don't even know that Anakin has a girlfriend, Cody. What could you possibly be talking about?"

"Do I want to know what that's about?"

"No," Obi-Wan says, cheerfully. His stomach does the sickening swoop that it's been doing every time he thinks about the fact that Anakin doesn't trust him with something as simple as his relationship status and he has no idea why.

"Hmm," says Cody. "It still feels vaguely uncomfortable that he's even coming."

"Boundaries are institutionalized artificial constructs that prevent the formation of strong community," Obi-Wan says, lightly.

"That... sounds ethically and emotionally questionable," Cody says flatly.

"You say this like Kix won't be there."

Cody looks vaguely horrified. "Will he be?"

Obi-Wan shakes his head gently. "Sit down. Drink your tea. Does your head hurt?"

"It's not my blood," cody says, like that's not the most worrying sentence Obi-Wan has heard all week. He decides the world will not end if he finishes his shift a few minutes early just this once.

He's hung up his apron, washed his hands, and is just putting on his coat when Qui-Gon fucking Jinn walks in the door, long wool coat at odds with his worn boots and faded tshirt. Never before has he visited Obi-Wan at work. Obi-Wan had not actually been certain he knows where he works until this precise moment.

Obi-Wan has had the benefit, for most of the time he's known Qui-Gon, of being able to ensure he's presenting a particular image whenever they interact. Be it forewarnings of his visits by group home staff, emails to organize a visit at uni, texts that provide dates and times for family dinners and holidays. There have been very few occasions when Qui-Gon has caught him unaware and ill-prepared. And most of those times he doesn't remember well due to illness or alcohol. Obi-Wan has been working for 20 hours with a half hour break spent on the bus to get between his two jobs, he smells like coffee grounds, he's kind of woozy because he's consumed nothing but tea all day, and his maybe sort of potential partner is in the midst of a silent stress breakdown with glitter and blood in his hair and wrath in his heart.

"Hello!" Qui-Gon calls, bright and friendly like he does this every day. "Good, I've caught you before you left." Seeing him standing in front of the pastry case just to the left of the table with the possibly Satanic graffitti is bad enough, but actually hearing his voice against the background of the generic singer-song-writer crooning (which has burrowed its way into Obi-Wan's ears and soul and will follow him to his grave) and the rumble of the espresso maker is so jarringly incongruous that Obi-Wan wonders for a minute if he's even awake.

"Oh good," Obi-Wan echoes weakly. Cody looks casually curious, blissfully oblivious for the moment.

"I was in the neighbourhood," Qui-Gon says, "and thought I'd treat you to dinner."

"I'm... quite alright," Obi-Wan says. "I've actually got plans, unfortunately."

"We have an hour," Cody says, helpfully. Obi-Wan isn't close enough to step on his foot, and Qui-Gon is watching too closely for him to communicate his panic rage with his expression.

Qui-Gon's attention snaps to Cody like a heat seeking missile. "I don't think we've met. I'm Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan's-- father."

He extends a hand and Cody shakes, looking mostly uncertain. Obi-Wan gets it, much as he doesn't want to. He hasn't been particularly complimentary of Qui-Gon when speaking to Cody, but there's still a reason he's remained attached to him for twenty years. His smile is kind and his handshake firm and with his long hair and laugh lines he comes across mostly as someone's hippy uncle or the strange old man in the back of a magical shop who vanishes as soon as the protagonist looks away.

"I'm Cody."

Obi-Wan is hardwired to cringe at the particular grin that breaks across Qui-Gon's face. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you. Anakin has told me about you."

"Well that's concerningly vague, thank you," Obi-Wan mutters under his breath.

Cody hums noncommittally. Qui-Gon says "You're taking Obi-Wan out tonight, are you? I'm glad, he'll vanish into his books for weeks on end if you let him."

Obi-Wan is thirty-three goddamn years old and this man who could never even be bothered to adopt him still speaks about him like he's a child. And there's nothing malicious behind it, which is perhaps the worst part. Qui-Gon is teasing out of affection and is probably legitimately concerned about obi-Wan's social life. Obi-Wan wishes desperately that Cody was not seeing him like this, is quite suddenly hyper-aware of his own body and his expression and any words that might come out of his mouth. He feels awkward in his own skin and painfully aware of how Cody might interpret anything he does, as if with Qui-Gon's presence he has been thrust on stage for a role he doesn't know and for which he is lacking a script.

"My brother's birthday party," Cody says. "I have a big family, so birthdays are always... an event."

Qui-Gon nods. "Family is important."

Obi-Wan is going to drown himself in the coffee server.

"Well, if you do have that hour, you've got to let me take you both for a drink," Qui-Gon says. "I'm always happy to get to know Obi-Wan's friends, and especially knowing that Anakin thinks highly of you."

Cody glances over at Obi-Wan, eyebrows up, clearly waiting for him to take the lead. Obi-Wan's brain, unfortunately, continues to spin its wheels uselessly against an oil slick of embarrassment and anger and anxiety. And Cody, for whom familial support is a fundamental tenant of existence, who is courteous to a fault in the face of authority figures and not actually as quick on his feet in social situations as most people assume, does exactly what Obi-Wan should have known he'd do.

"That'd be great, thank you," he says, dooming them all. "We've got to pick up the cake by 6:30, but that does give us some time."

Obi-Wan lingers behind as they leave the store long enough to snap a photo of Cody and Qui-Gon existing in the same physical space, which he sends to Anakin with a long string of screaming emojis. Anakin replies immediately, of course.

'Thats adorable! i'm glad hes meeting the parents'

'Looking forward to meeting Padme tonight,' Obi-Wan responds, vindictively.

#Obi Wan Kenobi #Commander Cody #Codywan #tumblrfic tag #Star Wars why?#I... really hope this actually includes line breaks this time

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halorocks1214 · 4 years

Text

the law of action

AO3 Link

Word Count: 10100

Summary: The Law of Action must be applied in order for us to manifest things on earth. Therefore, we must engage in actions that support our thoughts, dreams, emotions, and words

Previous Parts (in order): Alan | You are here! | Virgil | Scott | Gordon

these just keep getting longer fellas i dont understand how thats possible but it is. ALSO: REMEMBER IN ATTRACTION WHEN I MENTIONED THAT THESE WERE BEING WRITTEN OUT OF ORDER. HA, UH, KIND OF AN UNDERSTATEMENT I GUESS. but its here! johns pov chapter! im pretty satisfied with it, albeit a few kinks i wasnt really able to work out, so i hope you enjoy it too!

thanks again to @gumnut-logic for the prompts! "Where?" and lightning were this fic's choices. sad to see the last ones go away, but this was still a blast so thank you once more! also, just because the prompts are gone doesnt mean this series will be too ;3

Anger was a rare emotion for John Tracy.

It had to be. When dealing with the cold hard truth of data telling them something wasn't possible or dealing with annoying people who thought they knew better than him or dealing with people panicking in his ear because nobody expected the aftershock of an earthquake to be that bad, he didn’t have a choice. There were a lot of deals in life that had to be made and someone needed to play peacemaker, even if it wasn’t deserved.

It was true that he got the least angry out of his siblings, even compared to Virgil. Virgil might not get necessarily violent like Scott did, or threw caution to the wind like Gordon, or, hell, pulled off whatever John does when someone somehow manages puts him in a bad mood, but Virgil did get angry quite a lot. He just didn’t have as many blatant ways of showing it. John, on the other hand, didn’t have a lot of ticks. Pet peeves, definitely, John was no stranger to annoyance (especially with siblings like his), but not outright anger.

That didn’t mean he never got angry. He was Tracy born and bred, so that meant one the few ticks he did have surrounded the topic of family.

Specifically, his family being threatened.

John wished he was the youngest sometimes. That meant he could say things like let Scott punch the idiot already, he’d be doing the world a favor, and not get lambasted for the immature response. It also meant he could throw tantrums to hell and back and not feel like a total loser.

Like right now for example.

“EOS, I swear, if you don’t open the elevator door for me--”

“No, I won’t.”

Unbelievable.

Groaning and rubbing his face, his hands found their way up to his forehead and through his hair, holding his bangs out of his eyes for a moment. His eyes had many emotions in them, the most blatant being this shit cannot be happening right now, “EOS, do you know you’re amazing? I don’t think I’ve said that enough.”

EOS whirled for a moment, “John, I’ve seen that grin on Gordon. I cannot believe you would stoop that low.”

The grin she pointed out fell flat off his face, “Yeah, okay, you’re right about that--”

“Like I always am.”

“--So thank you,” John was going to strangle whoever defined sass so thoroughly in the dictionary. It left a bad example, “For the reminder, but seriously, I need to get up to ‘Five. It’s… important.”

It’s been a week since Alan was taken.

They’ve exhausted all options.

The only thing that could possibly get him back to them had to be International Rescue’s resources.

But EOS over here wasn’t getting the memo. Her words had that hint of childish innocence behind it. In that way that said there was no innocence whatsoever and she knew exactly what she was doing, the little shit, “John, do you really need to, or do you want to?”

There’s the inflection that John taught her. An inhale through the nose and… Uuuugghh, “EOS, I know the difference between needs and wants, this is definitely a need.”

Another lens blink, another moment of disbelief, “It seems like you have a lot of needs, John Tracy.”

John grimaced and ground his jaw together, mumbling his grievances with the current situation, “Yeah, well, if there’s any trait I truly share with my siblings, it’s that we’re all high maintenance.” His next words were more clear and designed to get the point across, “EOS, I’m not kidding, unlock the door.”

EOS stood her ground, “John, you going up there is one of the most detrimental things to you’re health at the current moment. I won’t let you.”

John threw his hands into the air, “EOS, there’s are whole lotta things that are currently detrimental to my health currently happening, one more thing won’t hurt.”

EOS lens shuttered again and John felt like it was nails on a chalkboard, “You have a point, but I’ve seen you with Scott when he’s in a similar mood. Don’t you tell him he needs to take a moment and think when he gets like this?”

John groaned as quietly as possible. Not too loud, but loud enough that EOS hopefully got the point, “Yes, I do, but I’m not Scott. We are two very different people, you have pointed this out numerous times. We have different ways of handling things, this, and ‘Five is exactly how I can fix this problem.”

That was not how he should’ve worded that. Her lights flickered in sympathy, sympathy, and he knew she finally figured out what John was trying to get at, “John, there may still be a lot I have to learn, but at least I understand--”

“No, EOS!” John snapped before he could help himself. Before she could finish explaining her point of view that was most likely right, but his desperate brain didn’t want to hear it. His brain that was running on zero energy telling him this was taking too long, fix that, “You can’t understand!”

Just like that, John was reminded of why he hated getting angry.

As soon as the words left his mouth, so did the air in his lungs. Through sheer will and determination, the only thing that didn’t leave his body was the little amounts of food he ate over the past seven days, though it really wanted to. He became very pale, and EOS could detect the not-so-trace amounts of fear that fell over his eyes.

Dammit, you idiot. Months upon that past year of work were now going to go down the drain because you blew your lid just this once! First, the call with Alan, now telling the one thing that could kill you in your sleep she’ll never essentially be good enough was--

“I know, John.”

His food came back with a vengeance, but he was bullheaded as hell, and he already caused enough damage. The last thing anyone needed was to clean up vomit. It would’ve been nicer if she got angry at him. He could handle being thrown out into space. He couldn’t handle EOS admitting he was right, least of all over blatantly cruel words.

He channeled the energy his stomach wanted to use into weak words, “E-EOS, I…” What the hell was he supposed to say? Sorry surely wasn’t going to fucking cut it.

Well, whatever he wanted to cut didn’t come up, as EOS continued as if John wasn’t the worst thing on the planet, “I’ve been doing some reading. I understand that I’ll never really understand certain human-based things like you do. You, humans, have gotten close, me being one of the better examples, as long as that’s not considered bragging, but even I’m not at that level yet. But I do at least know you and your habits. I put up with them on a daily basis.”

Because if there’s anything else John needed to fail this week, it was the one promise he made to her. His promise to keep her safe, to make sure she wasn’t treated like a mindless robot by some crazy scientists ready and willing to cut her circuitry wide open like a middle-school science project. While he would never even get close to being a quote-on-quote crazy scientist, never in a million light-years, he surely didn’t follow that middle part of his promise, “EOS, listen, I--”

“Please, John,” and now she was pleading, thinking he was going to ask to use the elevator again. Thinking he wasn’t going to give up, even after all of that. John might’ve laughed if it wasn’t his fucking fault, “I’ll help look for more options if it means you’ll stay here for a little while longer. You should stay with your family. I know how they affect you in those positive ways that you currently need.”

John was abruptly aware of his heavy, almost wheeze-like breathing. If he wasn’t careful, it could delve into one whopper panic attack, which would be so great right now, “Y-Yeah, okay. They probably won’t understand the effects of gravity over an elongated period of time like I do, so I can stay and help with that, at least. Thank you.”

As John turned around, he heard EOS whisper to herself. He could blearily tell it was actually fondness that filled her vocal waves for once, but it still stung regardless, “Idiot.”

Yeah, he really was, wasn’t he.

As he helped look over his Dad’s med-scan with Virgil, when Virgil went looking for something on the other side of the room, his father whispered, “I know this is a bad question right about now, but, is there anything we can do for you? Maybe even I? You look dead on your feet.”

John could only reply to the first half of his father’s statement with a meek, “I don’t know anymore.”

---

16-year-old John Tracy was seated atop his roof, making sure he got the perfect view of the Big-Dipper.

He was hoping to spot a more exciting constellation when he first used his new telescope, but dangit! He was just so excited to get cracking right away! He just got back from his birthday party, Alan and Gordon snoozing in their rooms while Scott and Virgil secretly finished off the cake. That was okay. John was too busy focusing on his new expensive toy to worry about having any more sweets.

His dad could pull some strings when it counted.

Newest model. The only other people who have this baby are scientists at NASA. Happy birthday, John. Sorry I didn’t get you a car like Scott.

Fuck cool cars. John would be on cloud 9 for days with this thing. Scott would call him a nerd for it. Jokes on Scott, he couldn’t zoom about 10 thousand miles into space now, could he?

Right as he nailed it, the world shook. Large arms snaked around his waist and he involuntarily found himself giggling at the contact. As soon as those limbs let go, he blushed at his reaction and cleared his throat. Suddenly, the arms were an entire body sitting down right next to him, speaking with their ever-comforting burly voice, “Hiya, son, I see you just couldn’t wait, huh?”

Rolling his eyes, John turned back into his serious, analytical self once more, “Yup, this thing’s crazy. I’m glad I got out here as quickly as I did.”

Jeff simply grinned. John was always reserved, but Jeff was a good translator for all of his sons, and he could tell that John meant this is one of the best things in my life holy crap, “That’s great to hear. The look on your face when I brought this out of the closet was certainly good enough to last me a few lifetimes.”

John snorted, “I bet it was. I heard Gordon joking about it with Alan. I don’t think I need to see any pictures anymore. I have a pretty good mental image of what I looked like.”

Jeff smiled and sighed, “No kidding. “Like a goldfish with a broken jaw.” Not the most eloquent, that Gordon is.”

Laughter rang out throughout the roof, followed by a few moments of silence. Not awkward, but not really welcomed on John’s part either, “Do you…” Stop it, John, you’re asking for too much, “Nevermind, it’s dumb.”

Jeff tilted an eyebrow, “Oh, is it? I guess you would know if something were smart or dumb, so I trust your judgment.”

Dangit, Dad, why are you so manipulative, and why are you so good at it, “I don’t know. I’ve established I wanted to be an astronaut, right?”

Jeff nodded, “Mmhmm.”

John, for some reason, felt like he needed to tread carefully, “You are also an astronaut. If there was any way for you to be able to… could you… could you come up with me the first time?”

Jeff blinked in shock, and before his son could register that as disapproval, “Huh, well, that’s certainly wasn’t what I was expecting. Sure, I don’t see why not.”

Now it was John’s turn to blink, his mouth gaped, “Wait, what? Are you serious? Aren’t there rules for this kind of stuff?”

Jeff shrugged, his shoulders clearly saying rules shmules, “I’m also one of the biggest entrepreneurs on the planet itself, and one of the most renowned ex-astronauts there are. You would not believe the lengths people are willing to go to kiss my ass. Would you feel better if I pinky promised?”

John’s nose scrunched, “You can never truly promise anything, you know.”

His father chuckled, used to his son’s antics. John was reserved, remember, “Well, you boys always credited me with doing the impossible.”

John continued challenging him, “When we were all less than 10, yeah, sure. I think Alan still thinks you can breathe in space. You. Specifically. No one else. I think he said you only wore the helmet to “protect your secret so the evil movie scientists don’t take you away.””

Chuckles turned into laughter and a clap on John’s shoulder, “Well, glad to see I still got the magic touch at least.” That same arm that playfully smacked him was now wrapped around his shoulders, “Just you wait, Johnny boy, if I can’t get on that ship with you, then you bet your ass I’ll at least be the loudest one cheering in the crowd.”

Then, suddenly, John was right, like he always was.

A promise that never should have been made: broken. A wish never fulfilled.

Dad was swallowed up by the very thing John loved.

No more space stories, no more fun moon facts, there was a void in John’s life as big as the galaxy itself, and he wasn’t sure how to walk around it, or God forbid even into it.

He tried to be the healthy sibling about it. He tried so hard. Getting through high school quicker than most so he could just worry about his family. Scott and Grandma were doing their best, and in so many ways, it was enough, but even they couldn’t bear all of the stress themselves.

But then his high school graduation came and Grandma gave him one of the biggest hugs of his and her life and he realized that he would never get one from his father again. His mom leaving this world was already bad enough, but at least his dad was there and knew how to fill in the gap after years and years of his marriage with her. You didn’t marry a woman like Lucille Tracy and not fundamentally understand how the gears in her brain turned lest you were truly insane. Maybe Dad was. Certainly would explain a lot of things from John’s perspective. Certainly would explain why she married him in the first place. Crazy attracts crazy.

Regardless, the one thing closest to his mom’s warmth and care was gone, and if he spent the night of his graduation party quietly sobbing his eyes out while the others slept, well, then he was glad they kept snoring.

Try as he might, he became just as unhealthy and unbalanced as the rest of his family, but he was more subtle about it. His self-destructive ways weren’t bad if other people had them, but when it came to him, oh, he knew it was the worst thing he could do in terms of recovery. That’s probably why the rest of the family didn’t notice (Good). John was smart, he would know better. Yes, he did, which is exactly why he dived headfirst right into it all.

Focusing on college, getting up into the star-filled void closer to his dead relatives as quickly as possible, focusing on the here-and-now to make sure this shit didn’t happen again. Making sure no family went through what theirs did.

And maybe that’s why, why he couldn’t handle the touch of others wanting to comfort him. Because it reminded him too much of what they used to have, of what they used to be. Too many hugs and kisses from others might wash away what his mom’s and dad’s felt like, and out of all the things they could potentially lose from this, those were the worst possible ones.

John was a Tracy, which meant he was stubborn.

He wasn’t going to lose the last few things he remembered about his parents if he could help it.

---

It had been just under a month, and John finally got what he wanted.

And it wasn’t working like he thought it would, if at all.

He’s been on ‘Five for three days, and for just a fleeting moment, it washed away any uncertainty. He felt back in control, if only minorly, and he held the world at his fingertips once more. Too bad the world he wanted to fix was so far away it felt like it was on the other side of the frickin solar system itself.

He promised his family four days at most. Please, just one chance. We won’t know unless we try. He wasn’t sure what cracked them first, them coming upon dead end after dead end, them finally seeing reason behind John’s argument, or if they just got annoyed with the space monitor after endless nagging and relented like tired parents.

The tiny part of John’s mind that still allowed him to joke kinda hoped it was the third option. “Easy child”, pfft. John’ll show them.

Right, right, a clear head, the most focused of IR, he can’t get unfocused or go too far off track. He’s saved many lives throughout his life, all of them thanks to his level head, but right now, he was arguably saving the most important life of all, so that meant he had even more incentive to stay focused.

In fact, he was so focused, he jumped at the sudden, feminine voice filling the room, “John, I found another article I think you would like to see about most common places criminals… John?”

Crap, he was halfway into the fetal position. Slowly uncurling, John nodded, “Oh, thank you, EOS. I’ll start reading it shortly.”

The noise of her lens adjusting sounded throughout ‘Five again, “Of course. Let me know if you would like me to start searching for a different topic, though. There has to be a limit to how many “You wouldn’t believe this” articles one can take, and I think I’m finding it really quickly.”

For the next few seconds, John was suddenly filled with a rush of determination he had been trying to get after their little confrontation in front of a locked elevator door to ‘Five.

She had been helping him out so much the past couple of weeks. Running unnecessary tests for him, searching parts of the web only she could search without getting tracked by some secret mafia, letting him know it was okay if he couldn’t get everything right the first time when two months ago she snapped at him for getting a simple algebra equation wrong due to lack of sleep. She had been especially patient with him recently, even after their little spat in the hangar, and John wasn’t sure how to process it. A tiny part wanted to resort to anger again because he clearly didn’t deserve her, but the more prevalent parts preferred something like depression or even apathy.

She had been making sure his world didn’t spin off its axis, and John couldn’t even tell her sorry until now.

“EOS, I’m sorry.”

She stopped moving, turned around and let her lights blink yellow for only a moment, “For what, John?”

The man in question waved his hands around in front of his face, lost, confusing her more. With a sigh, he explained, “For a lot of things, but mainly from a few weeks back when we had that argument. I said something that wasn’t okay, and I didn’t have the balls to own up to it until now. So, I’m sorry. I crossed a line I shouldn’t have even been near.”

For a little bit, it was quiet. John waited as the A.I. contemplated his words. Then, she spoke her judgment, “Well, I know you are. You haven’t exactly been working off your butt over nothing, right? Plus, reliable sources say one of the ways guilt manifests is anger. I’ve seen that with the rest of your family. It would make sense yours would too.”

John blinked. Part of him was expecting her to not fully understand why he was apologizing, but the other wanted her to just so he could get over this, just so he could let go of even just the teeniest amount of guilt he had, “EOS, anger isn’t a valid excuse. What I said was wrong. I don’t believe those words and you shouldn’t either. The whole point of this partnership is to show you that there’s more to life than just calculations and probabilities. It’s kind of hard to see that when the one person who promised to be different went and screwed it up anyway.”

John hoped EOS was at least questioning things now instead of letting his words go in one ear and out the other. Her next words said she was doing exactly the latter, “Okay. I don’t disagree with you, John, but I don’t know why you’re so hooked on this. I understand. We don’t have to worry about this unnecessarily anymore.”

Yes, you do understand. That’s the fucking point.

They weren’t getting anywhere, yet John didn’t even have the energy to groan in annoyance. He could even get his eyebrow to twitch.

All he could do was simply lean his head back against the wall and let his hair stick up against it like static electricity was flowing through it. The real reason it was sticking up was probably due to a mixture of Zero-Gs and grease from all of the showering he hasn’t been doing, however. His eyes had deep rings around them, and for a second, EOS thought about how relative age could be as a number while John softly spoke, “The Hood was an angry man, too, you know. He felt slighted by our family and wanted us to feel the same. It still doesn’t make what he did right.”

EOS thought about his words before coming to a logical conclusion, “Well, that’s certainly a leap in logic. There’s a big gap between simply yelling because you’re annoyed and literal kidnapping. One gives people a sour mood, the other gives them a significant amount of jail--”

“Yes, EOS, I’m aware of that,” John brought his hand to his face, but underneath it was a grin, telling the world that he was feeling fond exasperation more than anything. EOS was more obtuse than him sometimes. It was one of the few things of himself he wished she didn’t copy so easily. He sighed and brought his hand back down, “I’m just... putting things into perspective. I want you to see why my words were wrong. It would make me feel better if you did.”

EOS hung still, letting John’s admission roll over her wiring like a wave of electricity, “You have a lot of needs and wants. What takes precedent?”

More inflection. This time, John welcomed it. It gave him something to stand on. John wanted a lot of things. Alan to be home safe and sound, Dad to have not disappeared for nearly a decade, for his brothers to stop slowly killing themselves, for himself to stop, but the needs of the many, even the needs of one, outweigh the wants of a singular man like him, but, “Well, needs obviously, they’re necessary, however… it’s okay to be selfish every once in a blue moon. It doesn’t make you inherently bad.”

It was advice he parroted many-a-times to his family, some of them more often than others, seldom to himself if at all.

Scott, it’s okay if you have to tell them you can’t make this business conference.

Virgil, you can count inventory in the morning. You didn’t get any sleep last night either.

Gordon, if you can’t smile for a day or two, that doesn’t make you a bad person.

Kayo, you don’t have to patrol every night. We have security cams for a reason.

Alan, I know we tease you, but you missing a chore or two isn’t the end of the world.

Grandma, you already do enough for us, you barely cooking for us is the least of our worries.

That last one might be more for the rest of his family than not, but hey, two birds and one stone. Keeping his back against the wall, John stood up straighter against it, face suddenly serious, “In fact, wanting to be selfish is one of the best ways to tell that you’re human. You can’t escape it. It only becomes bad when you end up only being that.”

EOS sat in silence, her lens flickering in that way it always does when she was signifying she was about to pass judgment like a Goddess, which she seemed to be doing a lot more recently, “Well then… If I’m allowed one moment of self-reprieve, I suppose I should say that those words did… hurt.”

John grimaced despite very much understanding that he deserved it. The return of the inflection didn’t exactly help. Pushing himself away from the wall, he felt the metaphorical weight fall off his shoulders, “Yes, they did, and while they weren’t okay, it is okay to say that they weren’t. I still am very sorry.”

EOS adjusted her camera, probably to stall for time, “I know you are, John. I still forgive you, but am I correct in assuming I’m allowed some time to… recover isn’t the word I’m looking for, but--”

“Yes, EOS,” John helped her explain her own point, “Recover is a good word. You’re allowed that if you want it.”

John wasn’t sure how, but it seemed like EOS visibly relaxed, “Thank you, then, for letting me do that. This.”

For some reason, John did too, “Of course.”

It was a soft kind of awkward silence, where both parties had something on their mind but they weren’t entirely sure if they wanted to say it out loud. This is why EOS appreciated John more than the others, he simply let silence be silence. It allowed her time to think, unlike how Scott and Virgil kept asking questions, or how that awful duo made noises and messes only to have a chance at making people laugh. As if that was the most important thing they needed to do.

The nights the youngest called John were endless with his constant babbling that tended to grate her circuit boards. The only reason she let it happen was that John seemed to loosen up at the interaction. He became less weary, less worried-filled. He seemed to greatly enjoy the audial presence of Alan Tracy, let alone the way he lit up when the youngest actually showed up in person. It was just unfortunate that it seemed like the kid could never keep his mouth shut.

Then again… from what John said, the whole reason there wasn’t any more Alan was because he did keep it shut. At the worst moment possible. Now there wouldn’t be any more babbling period. Alan was gone, and the whole family was suffering from the new silence. EOS reasoned it was from the general idea of forced silence instead of just freely being able to leave the room or being able to tell him to quiet down, but maybe it was more than that. She could make another list of options to consider.

Plus, it was weird to think about a future where all of those video game walkthroughs she was forced to save would never be used again. John insisted that they weren’t just wastes of megabytes, so...

Hmm.

“Could you…” EOS trailed off, and before John could comprehend the unusual behavior of the A.I., she started speaking again, “Could you tell me more about Alan? I’m starting to think I judged him rather harshly.”

John took a moment to register her words and promptly snorted, “Well, most of your assumptions about him aren’t entirely unfounded, but that’s one of the joys of being an older sibling, I guess. Surprises around every corner,” there was regret in her voice and John knew he had to treat this as gently as he would a newborn child otherwise he would never hear it again.

EOS flickered, “I thought you didn’t like surprises.”

Uh, “Well, not usually, but there are a few from time to time that I could look back on and call them… quaint, in a sense.” Suddenly, a memory resurfaced, and John found himself grinning like he was doped up on nitrous oxide, “Yeah, they can have good surprises occasionally…”

It was a week before his next rotation. Scott would be back home in about three days, which allowed the second born to actually have a few moments with his only older brother. He was looking forward to it just as much as Scott was. Right now, though, he had to make sure he got the right angle.

Right as he did, he heard the soft pitter-patter of footsteps come up the ladder, and when he turned around, he was met with a bundle of freckles, “Oh, hey Alan.”

Hi, Johnny, the kid squirmed out, Is it okay if I sit next to you?

At first, a list of things wanted to fill John’s head. You look dead on your feet, you should be asleep, you have a lot going on this week so why are you wasting sleep? but instead of any of those filling the void that was his brain, John simply nodded, “Yeah, sure, come pop a squat, Sprout.”

John looked away right before he could watch Alan’s nose wrinkle in displeasure. Despite the usage of the nickname (that Alan secretly liked, don’t think you could pull that wool over our eyes, little bro), the kid still toddled over and flopped himself down right next to his older brother. Sighing, the kid leaned his head on John’s arm and absentmindedly stared out into space, both figuratively and literally. Satisfied his brother was comfy, John went back to his current objective.

As John examined the night sky, he also carefully looked over Alan out of the corner of his eye. Every bruise that John could see was finally dulling out into that familiar greyish-yellow as bruises do, and the sight was enough to calm any negative emotion being created from the reminder. John refocused on his telescope to help as well.

The kid had been through one hell of a week, bullies being their typical selves. Every Tracy outside of Scott and Gordon had their fair share of their own experiences with nasty people, and it wasn’t even the first time they’ve left their special kind of blue-and-black marks, but seeing it on Alan was… worse, somehow. Virgil had unsavory anonymous notes at ‘best’, and John knew first hand that their hits bruised more than just physical skin. So to see Alan get the same treatment and not say anything...

John was starting to understand why his older brother greyed so easily.

Speaking of which, Scott was pretty peeved at the idea of not being there for Alan. Because of this, John made sure to be the sole one to call him and inform him of the awful news while the older brother was out at his designated Air Force base. John wanted to see with his own two eyes that Scott wouldn’t do anything rash and made himself liable to be put on some kind of list.

You would think he wouldn’t be that stupid, but the Tracys are known for breaking expectations over their sweet, sweet kneecaps.

(“Scott, you’re not going to steal an Air Force jet just to come and beat up some dumb kids.”

“Watch me.”

“They’re only a year older than Alan.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

John pinched the bridge of his nose, “Listen, we already scarred them enough as it is, let alone their expulsions. Grandma’s threats to the adults were liable for a government-mandated therapist, Virgil just being there had them running for the hills, the computer I was sporting sent chills down their spines and throughout the hallways, and that’s not even to mention Gordon’s threats to the kids themselves. Seriously, where would a 15-year-old even get the tools to do that?”

Scott visibly relaxed at John’s point, but he still sat a little taut, not fully accepting the idea of people being cruel enough to hurt a literal ray of sunshine, “Fine, fine, I still want to talk to the kid over a call at some point. He was the one who dealt with those idiots.”

John’s shoulders deflated, “Yeah, you got me there. He’ll be back with Virgil and Gordon soon enough, you can see him then.”

Scott smiled in a way that washed away the greys in his hair, if only for a moment, “Awesome, I--”

John wasn’t completely done, “But I’m going to be with Alan while you talk to him. I don’t trust you to not be in search-and-destroy mode, and the last thing Alan needs is an angry you with no buffer. Besides, I’m pretty sure we have the same questions. I can play the angsty-Scott translator tonight. Usual fee, 10 bucks each word.”

The groan that managed to fill the whole house despite the tiny speakers was one John would never forget.)

Too lost in thought, John didn’t catch Alan’s movements at first. Leaning away from his telescope, John focused on Alan, “Sorry, Allie, did you say something?”

The child simply shrugged and smushed his chubby cheeks against John’s side, shaking his head, followed by his hands, I just wanted to see what you were doing.

Ah, that made sense. Alan had been continuously signing for the past year because of the obvious, so John rolled with the punches. It was always funny when they talked about these years in the future. Alan talked, Alan said, Alan brought up: it was always metaphorical, and nobody could believe them when they said Alan was fluent in ASL, let alone because he could actually go half a day without talking.

It was ironic because even with no words, Alan still managed to be the loudest thing on the planet. His hands always screamed with excitement whenever he felt like ‘talking’, and no brother ever felt like shutting him up. Especially when it was so easy for Alan to simply not shake his hands to hide the fact that he was in trouble--

Right, don’t go there. John shook his head to bring himself out of his thoughts and replied to the non-verbal admission, “Just looking at the stars. Recording their coordinates and whatnot.”

A small gasp had John jerking immediately away from his scope to see Alan suddenly very worried, maybe even fearful, But won’t you lose your eyes?!

Aha, what? “Allie, you’re going to have to give me more than that.”

John almost didn’t catch what Alan was trying to explain with the way he frantically shook his hands even faster than before, Mrs. Gatsen explained to us that the sun was a star too, but we’re not allowed to look at it for too long because it’ll steal our eyes! I don’t want you to lose your eyes, Johnny!

Ohoho, the part of John’s brain that was all about the smartsy stuff was gearing up to have a full-blown seminar of sorts, but the way the kid seemed so sincere in his worry, in his fear, John felt partially bad for giggling instead, “Oh, Allie, no. Here,” John was activating his inner Virgil and Scott with the way he grabbed the youngster and placed him in his lap, “Yes, the sun is a star, but there are many kinds of stars. Most of which don’t hurt your eyes. Take a look.”

Alan gave one last sentimental look at John, who nodded again just to reassure the blonde before the boy gulped and put his eye against the tool like Johnny did. This time, the gasp that came from him was more magical, more child-like, as it always should be. John watched on as the kid became stuck to his telescope like glue.

Suddenly, Alan leaned back into John, somewhat knocking the wind out of him. Honestly, now that he was thinking about it, John realized he was pushing it by letting Alan sit next to him in terms of his personal comfort zone. He loved Allie just as much as the rest of the family, but letting them in, letting them get close, was veering dangerously close to that specific ‘hug’ territory like he and his parents had.

Before John could explain that in a child-friendly way, and hopefully in a way where the too-smart-for-his-own-good kid couldn’t pick up on the hidden message, Alan looked him directly in the eyes and confidently signed his wants, Can we do this more often? Can we?

Just like that, John’s mind blanked. Alan wanted to do something with him. Not swim with Gordon, not music with Virgil, not do, well, anything with Scott, Allie found something that he would like to do with John.

Huh, interesting, “Yeah, sure. If we can’t do it in the next week, then the first thing we’ll do when I come down is stargaze, because that’s what it’s called: stargazing.”

Alan started gripping his arm tighter and leaned more into his chest, nodding vigorously at the news and looking back to the sky with newfound wonder. Letting Alan be, abruptly forgetting his grievances with things like touch, John went back to his telescope. After another minute or so, John reached a point where he needed both sides of his body, except it looked like one of them was going to be kept immobile unless the spaceman said something to Alan.

John tried doing just that, just without looking away from his device, “Hey, Allie, I don’t mind the sitting-in-my-lap and stuff, but I do need my arm back to--”

Snoring.

Oh.

Jerking his head to physically look at his sibling, John found Alan passed out and squeezing his arm like a freckled koala bear. The ginger flinched a little bit at the drool dripping onto his sleeve, but the way Allie melted into him made him-- actually, he was very suddenly aware that this whole night he hadn’t really been thinking at all, and that thought made him continue to stare mindlessly at the dozing brother.

He always thought about, well, everything. What he was going to say, what he planned to do tomorrow, about what the future held now that they were down their second and last parent. If he didn’t think about it beforehand, he rarely did it. He had to make sure he went through all of his options before haphazardly jumping into the pits of hell.

Yet the way his younger brother looked at him like he was the world himself tonight made John throw all of his training to be as cautious as possible out the window in a need to comfort and care for the small thing in front of him.

It was shocking to his mind, yet he didn’t resent just being able to do without worrying too much. Was this how smother complexes started? Did he ever drool on Scott’s arm? Still staring at Alan, John’s mind continued to be robotic as he simply let his younger brother be and went back to his telescope. Alan had been needing to get a little more sleep lately anyway.

Yeah, it was fine. He could figure out how to follow up on his words later. It wouldn’t be that hard to figure out a way to squeeze Alan into some of his already-planned stargazing nights while making sure the kid still got sleep. Also, John’s used telescopes wearing a cast and sling before, he might prefer two arms, but he has been okay with only one.

If Grandma yelled at John for spending too much time on the roof again, well, she would have to get over it. Alan got an extra hour of sleep and that was all that mattered.

EOS watched as John finished the story. Once he was done, he continued to be quiet while grinning at nothing. All he was doing was simply staring at the floor… It was slightly creepy, and EOS cleared her nonexistent throat, “Huh, I didn’t realize he got a lot of his interests from you. Maybe… maybe you could show me why he did. He can too. More perspectives always get more data.”

John blinked and was immediately taken out of his trance. He brought his hand to his mouth and cleared his throat, “Yeah, he-- wait, what?”

EOS sighed. This is another reason why she snapped him out of it; his inability to listen to someone right in front of him. She simplified her words, “If Alan comes back, can you two take me stargazing? I don’t think I’ve ever seen what the stars look like down there, or, at least, I never looked at them long enough to understand what you all find to be so fascinating about them.”

John blinked a few more times with his mouth slightly gaped. He looked around nervously before bringing his turquoise eyes to look EOS directly in the middle of her camera, “Yeah, sure, EOS. When Alan gets back, that’s the first thing we’ll do.”

EOS didn’t mention anything about the correction of if to when, “Thank you, John, I would like that very much.”

John nodded and floated back to his tech, “Of course. Now then, we’ve got work to do. I’ve been meaning to stargaze recently anyway.”

He still had one more day up here.

And a baby brother who needed saving.

How hard could it be?

---

Very.

Growling in frustration, he thumped his fist against the wall next to him rather harshly.

Not enough to leave any kind of mark or dent, but enough for him to focus on the tiny amount of pain it gave him. He vaguely heard EOS’s lens flare at the sudden noise, but he was a little too focused on why he felt the need to hit his girl.

It was the end of the last day, and he didn’t make it any further like he thought he would.

Some bleak part of his mind was hoped, prayed that his girl would have the tools to find their baby brother. He was willing to bend her entire satellite to be able to reach the far ends of the galaxy if he had to, but even he had to concede that she wasn’t enough. The Hood wasn’t dumb, unfortunately, and he wasn’t going to go easy on them. That is if he was even going “to go” on them to start with.

While it wasn’t the first time he failed spectacularly, this failure certainly hurt the worst.

Half of him wanted to curl up into a ball and forget everything for a moment (or maybe forever), but the other half won out in terms of what his body contorted into. Instead of curling up like a prickly hedgehog, he leaned backward to be floating with his back to the ground and his face to the ceiling with his face in his hands. Meanwhile, EOS silently gazed from her camera in the corner. Watching John struggle this way was… new, and it twisted her wires in a way she wasn’t sure she could describe.

EOS watched him mumble something. Huh, peculiar as ever. Adjusting her camera, she tried small talk, “What was that, John?”

Still mumbles, but more intelligible, “... I need to drop the ‘s’.”

A flicker of yellow, nothing but pure confusion for once in her robotic life, “The ‘s’ of what?”

Suddenly, the astronaut was standing (well, floating) upright with a look of disdain, but EOS could see that it wasn’t meant for her, “Of ‘she’. It’s not ‘Five’s fault, God, it never is, but maybe… maybe it’s mine.”

All of her programs should allow her to say something. Anything, sugarcoated or not, would be beneficial to this seemingly one-sided conversation, but this was the moment she learned that humans could be faster than computers since John steamrolled right to the point without hesitation, “He wasn’t good enough sounds better. Nothing I’m doing is getting any results. I gave my family false hope that I would find something and now I have to go to them and essentially break them. They were already barely holding it together as it was, but when the “smart one” in their family says there’s nothing he can do…”

She found herself going against the logical part of her program-- because despite the idiot John Tracy could be, when he made an argument that had any kind of evidence you never could go against it-- the first time in, well, ever, in an attempt to comfort her partner, “John… I think you’re grasping at straws here.”

He looked up from the floor, and EOS had to shrink her lens at the sight of unshed tears in his eyes, “Who was the one that called him?! Me! He was standing there only a few rooms over, probably terrified out of his mind, and I didn’t know. I let him slip between our fingers because I was so caught up in the moment and I hate myself for it.”

EOS found herself speechless for once, and the few droplets of tears that floated in front of John’s face didn’t help. She had been trying her best recently, especially recently, to understand the fluctuations of human emotion, and she was pretty sure she had decent tabs on at least John nowadays, but this was something unexpected, a thing her programming never really liked to deal with. It involved lots of new calculations and new sims, why, it made things seconds longer when they didn’t have the time to deal with it!

Her electronic voice box made a noise with the intent to say something, as she thought she finally had the time to deal with it, but just her luck, more unexpected things made her reapproach the issue at hand, “John, look out! The Chaos Crew!”

Blinking out of his self-deprecation train, John was uncharacteristically panicking, “What, where?” After doing a full 180, John eventually saw one of his comm radios with the familiar pink symbol floating above it.

John’s pupils shrunk and his eyebrows tilted downward in that unfamiliar emotion: anger.

Fuck this.

The mood change was as fast as the speed of lightning. John practically flung himself to the communication device on something akin to a warpath. No longer regretful or depressed, John was filled to the brim with fury at the sight of one of the men that was a constant thorn in the Tracy family’s side, “What the hell are you doing here? How the hell did you--”

“Wait wait wait!” Fuse pleaded, making John momentarily pause enough to listen, “I’m not good at this like my sister is, so this connection is going to drop soon. I need you to reopen the line yourself so I can explain what I’m here for! Trust me, I swear I’m not--”

Zip.

Blinking at the lack of noise, John slowly turned his head to look at his A.I. to get her opinion on the matter. It wasn’t a positive one, that’s for sure. Her dots were bright red, and for the first time in a while, he found himself flinching at the sight and sound of her, “It wouldn’t take much of me to get rid of the nuisance, you know.”

Taking a few deep breaths, John shook his head, “No, EOS, give me a sec. Don’t send him careening into space.”

Yet.

With shaky hands, John did as Fuse begged and found the comm line the guy haphazardly threw together. Right as Fuse jumped at the sight of one of the Tracys actually hearing him out, John’s voice spoke coldly, “You have five minutes. Go.”

Fuse gulped, “W-Well, I suppose the first thing to do would be to apologize. I’ve caused a lot of messes for you and your family-- heh, ‘messes’ probably doesn’t even come close to explaining what I did-- and I realize that now, so I want to--”

Ah, that tactic. The one where they try so desperately to seem like they were repentant. John wasn’t familiar with it, but Scott sure was. Shady business owners trying to shy away from their consequences made the eldest very aware of how slimy those in power could be. Scott complained about it a lot, so John made sure to always remember it just in case he ever ran into it himself.

Preplanning wins again in the Tracy household. You should listen to John’s advice more, Gordon, “Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.” John muttered mostly to himself and moved in a way that signified something was going to happen.

Fuse sputtered and stopped immediately. Crap, he was going about this wrong. These were all things he was suddenly genuine about, he really was, but the Tracys didn’t want useless apologies at the moment, and he understood that. Hopefully, he didn’t understand it too late. Right before John could do anything to him or give any kind of command to his satellite, Fuse blurted the information he should’ve said the first place, “I know where he is!”

John felt like the Earth flew right off its axis.

Everything froze, including EOS. His hand was out in front of him for some reason, probably subconsciously reaching for some kind of button, as he absentmindedly listened to the whirl of ‘Five and his brain fully processed what Fuse was promising, “... What?”

John was keenly aware that sounding so weak, so hopeful, was something that Fuse could spinelessly abuse if the man wanted to, but John had a good lie detector. The words that fumbled out of half The Chaos Crew’s mouth were sounding good, great, and John could tell that he wasn’t bullshitting anything, “I know where he’s keeping your bro. I mean… shit, what The Hood did wasn’t right, maybe it never was, but I know this specifically is--” a break in his speech in an attempt to words things better. Fuse failed, “Bad. I just…”

John’s head involuntarily tilted at the way Fuse trailed off. For once in his life, John was at a loss. This was highly uncharacteristic from what John had seen of The Chaos Crew, and the astronaut was so flabbergasted he couldn’t even begin to come up with any possible ulterior motive behind Fuse’s actions at the moment.

Suddenly, Fuse looked back up with big eyes, almost reminding John of Alan a little bit. Not in the obvious ways, because Fuse was on the verge of seven feet tall and built like a truck whereas Alan was the teeniest thing on the planet, but… John could see similar traits of innocence in them. The eyes of someone desperately clinging onto the last few shreds of hope they had, but still ready to do what's right because of it. Because even if the light at the end of the tunnel was small it was still worth fighting for.

Fuse, seeing that John wasn’t going to say anything, bit the bullet, “I don’t know, call it selfish, call it smart, but if The Hood is willing to do something like this to someone so young, I… I don’t want to be apart of it. I can’t give any information about my sister, I’m no snitch, but I want out, even if it means spending the rest of my days in a GDF cell.”

John was suddenly aware of a burning question, “Wait, how old are you, Fuse?”

A tired sigh, aging Fuse to something that was probably three times what he was going to say, “I turn 20 in two weeks.”

John sharply inhaled, “Jesus, I… I didn’t realize you were that young.”

A lot of things made sense quickly and abruptly like they always do for the ginger.

If The Hood was willing to do this to someone so young, that didn’t stop him from doing this to someone like Fuse. The logical conclusion the now ‘ex-villain’ made probably danced the wildest jig in his head, and before anyone could clap their hands, he got as far away as possible. John wouldn’t be surprised if The Hood made idle threats for not following orders or for “being stupid”, so Fuse had every right to feel threatened.

Jeez, he was probably terrified at the implication. A dark, buried part of John selfishly thought good, it sucks you had to learn the hard way, but now you see why we all hate him, but the first thing that came to his mind was something unexpected yet expected all the same.

John was reminded of Alan again.

Except Alan had four older brothers to run to when the monsters got too big or too frightening.

…

Scott was going to kill him, “Park her over on the left and come in. We’ve got a lot to talk about. Bring inside whatever you think will help.”

EOS’s shrill John! ringed throughout the room, yet it was overruled swiftly. Fuse’s mouth was wide open, “For real?”

John couldn’t tell if he was losing the knots in his stomach or forming completely new ones, “Yes. Don’t do anything funny, though. I have eyes everywhere.”

Fuse gulped again, yet he was very business-like with his next words, “Of course.”

The line cut a millisecond before John wanted it to. John knew exactly why, “Listen, EOS--”

EOS was suddenly in his face, and it spoke miles at how far she’s come that she wasn’t blaring any alarms in anger, “No, you listen, John Tracy. I cannot believe the level of ignorance you are displaying!”

Gordon always joked about her being his daughter, but right now, John’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance at the feeling of being scolded by an overbearing mother, “I get this may seem like I’ve lost it--” jokes on EOS, who says he hasn’t at this point? “Listen, there’s nothing else left to go off of, and I know this makes me look like a crazy man desperate for information that might not even be there, but--”

“No buts!” EOS shrieked, “You told me that if you followed a sentence with a “but” that what you were about to say shouldn’t even be considered an option! What is making you throw all of my training out the window?!”

John’s mouth became very dry. This conversation was taking a very different turn, “Wait, EOS, why is this all about you suddenly--”

John was starting to regret giving her more mobility at the sight of her jamming her camera directly in his face even more, “It’s not just about me! This affects you too! You said you always based your decisions on the here-and-now, so I should too, so why am I the only one doing so?! You’ve seen what he’s capable of!”

John’s mind tended to be made of gears, and all of them began spinning at the same time. Dammit, he didn’t pick up on this because he didn’t even consider it a factor: EOS being scared. Hell, it wasn't even considered because the last time he remembered her being this scared was when she thought he was a threat during the first time they met (was it really that long ago?). She was scared that Fuse was going to hurt John like he hurt the rest of the astronaut’s family. Like he hurt Gordon.

The only difference is that nobody could get to John like they did Gordon, so that left the ginger at an impasse if the small chance that Fuse was here to hurt him came true.

John found it very hard to breathe all of a sudden. Closing his eyes and struggling to get enough air in, he realized a fundamental problem. EOS was based on data and things that have been recorded, and so far, the only things recorded about Fuse was that he was hellbent on hurting the Tracy family, a family that John was apart of.

She didn’t know any other way to feel about the guy, she didn’t have any other example.

John would love to be that way too, honestly, to just focus on the data. Numbers never tended to be wrong, and the idea of being a simple number-crunching bot would make life a shit-ton easier, but he can’t. He’s human. One that’s very much willing to go against the numbers and probabilities if it meant helping his family.

A rarity for John, to follow his gut and nothing else, but at the end of the day, he was a Tracy, and following his gut was as familiar to him as it was to name all of the immediate constellations in the summer’s nighttime sky, “EOS, I know it’ll be hard to believe me, hell, I’m having trouble believing myself, but Fuse isn’t here to hurt me. The here-and-now is different for reasons I don’t have enough time to properly explain, okay? If there’s anything to believe, believe in the trust you have in me to make the right decision like I always do.”

EOS made no noise, not even a flicker of her lens. He expected her usual sass, something along the lines of, Who says I trust you, moron? but what he got punched away what little air he managed to collect, “... Do you promise?”

That was the million-dollar question. Of course, he couldn’t. He didn’t like making promises after the age of 12. Too many probabilities, too many what-ifs, made promises somewhat of a theoretical impossibility. But just like that night on the roof with Alan, John was able to not think, “I promise, EOS. You wanted to go stargazing with me and Alan, right? Fuse might be able to let us do that again.”

‘Family’ was a Wild Card. Nothing was possible, yet everything was at the same time when it came down to it. ‘Family’ was what made Scott go from day to day without keeling over. ‘Family’ was what got Virgil to sleep at night when he just couldn’t by himself. ‘Family’ was how Gordon managed to keep smiling and joking despite everything in the world trying to make him stop. Hell, ‘Family’ was how their father kicked the word impossible right in the groin and live.

‘Family’ might have been why Alan was stuck in such a shitty situation, but it was also the reason the kid was willing and able to go that far in the first place. He learned that selflessness from his ‘Family’, after all.

John was intent to use that fact to the fullest.

EOS’s lights blinked in contemplation before she quietly spoke once more, “Do I have permission to shock him if he makes even the slightest suspicious movement?”

John rolled his eyes yet grinned all the same, “Sure, only just a little voltage, though. Right in the ass. Would be a nice pick-me-up after all of this.”

Well, despite the year they’ve had, John wasn’t aware EOS could snort. Another sign things might be going right for once.

The door swwwshed open and Fuse floated into where the two hyper-intelligent beings were hanging about and got straight to the point, “Thank you. I hope… I hope I don’t let you down.”

John found himself light as air, and it wasn’t just the zero-gravity this time, “Sounds good. Let’s get cracking.”

While the first thing he did back on Earth was scare his father and his immediate younger brother shitless, the way they and the rest of the family lit up at the plan he and Fuse came up with (after making sure nobody killed the dude, which was surprisingly more difficult than expected, and boy was it expected) made it all worth it.

Well, maybe the sight of Fuse occasionally jumping and yelping at a strange pinch in his bottom with no known cause was worth it too. John wouldn’t tell his brothers that, though, he was the responsible one, remember?

You always made me look at things differently, EOS. Thank you.

#fabfivefeb #fabfivefeb2020 #thunderbirds #thunderbirds are go #john tracy #alan tracy #eos #fuse thunderbirds #jeff tracy #my post #my fic #series: rules of alchemy

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silverandarsenic-hcs · 4 years

Text

Ghost BC x Bipolar Disorder

disclaimer: everyone with bipolar deals with it differently, has different symptoms, different levels, and different coping mechanisms. im just speaking from experience here cause im just not dealing with it all right now!!! wooohoo!!! ive never talked about this so if you want me to add anyone let me know.

If hearing about mania/manic states and depressive episodes could trigger you or worsen your mental health, please don’t keep reading. all triggers in the tags as usual. also im doing it as You and not I or “their s/o” for nothing but formatting reasons and laziness. questions and concerns may be as usual directed to the confessional (ask box)

Papa II: It’s kind of difficult with him. He understands the episodes, and that sometimes you can just have regular ups and downs, and that it’s not 100% all the time. He gets depression to a certain extent too. those days you don’t want to get out of bed, don’t have the energy to cry, don’t have the energy to blink so you just let your eyes burn. and when youre up, it’s self destruction, intrusive thoughts, the screaming, the energy. Everything just feels like it’s going too fast, whether you know you’re having an episode or not. II is really good at helping you navigate your episodes. He wont push you to calm down, or tell you to “just be happy” when youre up and down. He’s good at helping things feel real. Helping you come down inside enough that you can recognize yourself in the mirror. Whether you don’t believe in medication, or went off it, or it isn’t working for you, he’ll support you no matter what and never think you’re crazy or awful or manipulating him. He knows you cant control it.

Papa III: He tries to understand, he really does, but theres so many hard stigmas about bipolar that are hard to let go. That it’s day to day, or hour to hour moods instead of episodes that can last a few days to a few weeks. He knows it’s not his fault, but seeing you talk faster than your brain can process your words, your bursts of manic energy where you just wanna run and your bad ideas, knowing whats going on in your head, it makes him feel useless knowing theres nothing he can do to help you. All he can try to do is talk you off the ledge when you’re about to do something Not Great, and make sure to keep communication open so that if you feel an episode coming on you can try and find ways to stop it together. when you’re depressed, he tries the classic stuff to make you smile: movies, warm blankets, cuddling, forehead kisses, whatever fluff ive put in these hcs before. but it doesn’t work. it cant possibly work when you can’t stop crying and don’t even want him around. and thats a hard pill to swallow - hard to really understand its not him you don’t want around, it’s just that you don’t want anyone around. His best suggestion is to talk to a therapist because he never wants to give you any bad ideas, or bad coping mechanisms, or say something that could trigger an episode, and it’s hard for him to really understand where those lines are if theyre changing all the time (and they usually are).

Dewdrop: he’ll vibe with you. he doesn’t really understand what you’re going through in any capacity, and why its such a bad thing when you have energy, but whatever you wanna do he’ll do it with you. if you’re manic, he’ll probably try to get on your level - and hear me out, i know this is a dangerous game and AWFUL for someone to do when you’re manic, but listen. If he tries to get on your level when you’re Up, it’s easier for him to understand what you’re thinking. If you tell him something kinda crazy you wanna do when he’s coolin, of course it’s gonna sound crazy and a bad idea and he’ll try and stop you - but that doesn’t get the Crazy out. if he’s up, he can better judge what’s a fun little reckless thing to do vs what’s actually dangerous and what to keep you away from. And he’s good at distracting. Good at steering your constantly crashing train of thought. When you’re in a depressive state, he’ll just lay there with you. he won’t try and talk it out of you, or suggest you do something fun, or tell you how everything's gonna be okay. he doesnt know that for sure and he’s not going to lie to you. but he’s figured out the more still and quiet he is when you’re down like that, the less likely you are to try and kick him out or push him away. The more he rides those waves with you the more he can understand what you’re going through, and learn about what your lines and triggers are.

Swiss: okay i havent talked about this that much on this account (its a big part of my book haha please read it) but Swiss is Smart. like ridiculously book smart, math smart, people smart, street smart. once hes been around you for long enough, he’s sometimes better at noticing the signs of an episode before you do. He’s really perceptive when it comes to the tone of your voice, little ticks, what you’re saying, how you’re dressing. You know he’s paying attention, but he does it in a way that doesn't make you feel like you’re being watched or monitored ever. everyone knows thats fucking annoying and feels invasive as hell. When you’re manic he’s good at helping you get back to a place of center. not calm, or back to normal, but centered. grounded. it’s hard to feel like you even Exist in the same world as other people sometimes and he gets that. definitely watches how much time you spend online, cause that can make the Not Existing feeling a lot worse. When you’re low, he’s good at talking to you. he’ll direct the conversation to and from whatever you’re upset about if anything, in a way that doesn’t feel invasive or like pestering. if you dont wanna talk about whatever's wrong (and lets be honest, sometimes its Nothing) then he’ll get you to talk about something. Anything just to keep you talking. The goal isn’t to make you laugh and smile, maybe its just to make you feel less alone in the world, but if you do laugh and smile that’s just a cherry on top.

- Kat

disclaimer part two: there are no excuses mental illness or otherwise for treating your partner poorly and putting someone who cares about you (anyone, really) through hell just because they’ll take it or because you wont seek help isnt okay.

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amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines · 5 years

Text

Archie//Forgive Yourself

Request: Can I request an Archie/Reader where you comfort him when his dad is shot, you bring him home when the doctor tells him he'll have to wait an hour? Maybe revealing one of your parents suffered the same fate? before like comfort/make-outs

Trigger Warning: Mentions of robbery/shooting

“Archie?” You’re gentle tone coaxed Archie out of the trance he was currently in. “Can I sit?” You asked and point to the empty plastic chair beside him. He pulled his gaze away from the white wall in front of him to glance at the chair.

“Yeah.” He nodded before staring at the wall again. You’d passed Veronica, Jughead and Betty on the way in and they’d given you a rundown of what had happened, the shooting, the masked man, the fact that Archie hadn’t moved since he’d gotten there. They’d arrived a little while after Archie had gotten there and the nurses had told them that he hadn’t moved from his position, right outside the door they’d took Fred into.

“Have you heard anything?” You asked, deciding to look at him instead of the depressingly boring wall. He simply shook his head and you sighed. “Archie?”

“I don’t want to go home.” He told you before you even had the chance to say something.

“You’re dad’s not gonna want you to be here worrying about him. Plus you’re no use to him out here, not when he’s in there.” You said softly, mentally cursing yourself at how harsh it sounded.

“He’ll know that I’m here.” He replied.

“He’ll be more worried about yo-”

“You don’t know what he’s feeling. Nobody does. He was shot in a place he loved, right in front of his son.” He snapped at you and you jumped slightly. You glanced to where the others where sat and they gave you a sympathetic look. They’d all tried to get him to go home for a few hours, and they’d all gotten the same response. They’d been hoping that you’d be able to help. “I’m not going until I know whats happening.”

“Okay.” You nodded and stood up. He tore his gaze away from the wall, and watched your re-treating figure. A few minutes later you came back with a doctor.

“You fathers going to fine.” The doctor told Archie.

“Can I go see him.” Archie asked, standing up quickly.

“Not yet. He needs to rest. We’ll ring you when he’s ready for visitors but right now its best for you to go home. Have some rest, take a shower.” She explained, and sent Archie a sympathetic smile.

“Thank you.” You smiled at her and she nodded before walking away.

“Come on, I’ll take you home.” You placed your hand on his arm. The blood had now stained his jacket and you sighed.

“Can we come back as soon as he’s ready?” He asked quietly.

“Of course.” You nodded.

--------

Once you’d walked through the door of the Andrews home, you wouldn’t think anything bad had happened. Vegas greeted the the two of you and Archie patted his head softly. There was post by the door that you picked up on the way in, placing it on the kitchen counter. Dishes that had yet to be done were in the sink, and there was a pile of washing waiting to go in the dryer.

“Archie?” You said quietly. He looked at you slowly and you forced a smile. “Go take a shower, leave your clothes outside and I’ll sort them out.”

“Okay.” He nodded before walking up the stairs.

45 minutes after you’d heard the shower go on, it was still running and you were growing more and more concerned. You’d just finished putting away the last dish, when you decided to go up and see if he was okay.

“Archie?” You knocked gently on the bathroom door and waited for a response. “Archie?” You called again when you got no answer. “Are you okay?” You asked. You waited for another minute for a response before deciding to go in. “Archie, I’m coming in. Can you unlock the door for me?” You were met with silence again. “Don’t make me break the door down. I did not where the right shoes for it.” You laughed a little. You heard movement from behind the door, before it unlocked. You opened it to see Archie sitting on the floor, a towel was wrapped around his hips and his hair was wet.

“Your shoes would be fine for kicking down the door.” He said softly and you looked at him confused.

“Oh.” You laughed. “Yeah I suppose so.” He laughed softly, however his laugher was replaced by tears quickly and your eyebrows furrowed. “Hey, hey, hey.” You soothed and sat beside him. “Everything’s gonna be okay. The doctors said your dad would be fine.”

“I watched him get shot. I was right there, and I could have stopped it but I didn’t. I just stood there and let it happen. The man that has looked after me and supported me in everything I have ever done was shot and I just stood there.” He sobbed and you pulled him into a tight hug.

“Archie. There was nothing you could do about it.” You tried to calm him down but he just cried harder. “I know I wasn’t there, but I know that that is exactly what I would have done too. If you asked anybody they would do that too, you freeze when your scared, its perfectly normal. Your dad won’t hate you for it, he’ll understand, we all do. And do you really think your dad would have wanted you to try and save him?” You asked and he shrugged, burying himself further into your chest. “He wouldn’t. When he sees you he’ll tell you that you did exactly what he wanted you to do. He wouldn’t want you to put yourself in danger to save him. And I know that that’s what you think you should have done, but its not. You did the right thing Archie. If you’d have tried to help it could have been a lot worse. You could have also been shot, one if not both of you could have died.” You explained and he sniffled as he pulled away.

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” You replied with a soft smile.

“I got your shirt wet.”

“Its fine. Its only water and tears.” You shrugged.

“Its also a bit of snot.” He whispered.

“Ew, gross.” You nudged him lightly and he laughed. “I’m gonna tell you something I’ve never told anyone before.”

“Okay.” He nodded and sat up properly.

“When I was 9...” You started shakily and he grabbed your hand. “Me and my mom were at the bank when some robbers came in.”

“Sorry.” He whispered and squeezed your hand.

“I’d wandered away from her when she was in the line minutes before they came in. And I was so busy playing the toys in the corner of the bank that I hadn’t realized anyone had come in, not even the robbers knew I was there. Well, that was until I turned around and started to walk back to my mom. The robbers got a fright, thinking that I was the police or security or something and they pulled a gun on me. I was terrified, I was looking round trying to find my mom. Everyone was staring, all of them were just as terrified as I was, and it was so quiet. I didn’t know what to do, I knew I shouldn’t move but I wanted my mom, I wanted her to pick me up and take me home because of the bad man pointing a gun at me, so I started to walk towards her and they all shouted at me to stop moving and I started crying and shouting for my mom.” You continued, tears were streaming down your face at this point and Archie was looking at you with a sympathetic look on his face. “Anyway, they er, they shot the gun at me, but my mom had been slowly trying to get to me. They’d been distracted by this 9 year old girl that was standing in front of them that they hadn’t noticed my mom walking towards them. As they shot the gun my mom got in the way of it, and it hit her.”

“Thats awful.” He said quietly, this time he pulled you into a hug.

“For years I thought it was my fault. That I shouldn’t have moved, or cried or even wandered away from her in the first place. I still do sometimes. I thought she resented me for it, and we never talked about it. It was never even mentioned. But one day, a few years after the shooting she heard me crying and asked me what was up and I just broke down, rambling about everything I felt and how it was all my fault. But she told me that it wasn’t. Those men were going to shoot somebody regardless. They’d targeted that specific bank and they’d brought guns. They knew what they doing, they just didn’t know who they were going to shoot. And she told me that she was glad it was her, she was young and she was fit. But if it had been me, I probably wouldn’t have survived. They were aiming for my head, they got her shoulder. If it had been the old man hiding underneath a table, a walking aid abandoned by his side, he probably would have died. If it had been the woman behind the counter, who was whispering a prayer to herself, each time louder than the last, she would’t have survived. If it had been the couple in the corner, clinging onto each other for dear life, they would have had to watch the other die and forever have that engrained in their memory. Somebody would be leaving a daughter or son, a mother or father, a sister, brother, wife, husband, friend, cousin, whoever behind. And all she got was a cool scar in her shoulder. She would much rather have that than have to bury her daughter.”

“Y/n-”

“What I’m trying to say is that whoever shot your dad, knew what they were doing. They didn’t care who they were shooting, just as long as they saw blood. And I know that when your dad wakes up, he’s going to be so thankful that it was him they shot and not you. He’s gonna forgive you for not being a hero, you need to forgive yoursel-” You were cut off by Archie’s chapped lips on your soft ones. You were frozen, eyes wide and staring at the red-head. But once your brain caught up with what was happening (archie andrews was kissing you! come on girl) you kissed back, your hands going to the back of his neck.

Archie’s phone buzzed from the windowsill and you pulled away reluctantly. Archie sent you an apologetic look before answering his phone. A few seconds later he had a wide smile on his face.

“He’s ready to see people!” He said happily after he hung up.

“Lets go then!” You smiled brightly at him and helped him up. “You might want to put some clothes on first though.” You added and he looked at the towel still wrapped around him.

“Oh yeah.” He laughed and started to walk to his room.

“Archie?” You called after him and he stopped.

“Yeah?”

“Do you forgive yourself?”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I think so.”

@lover2448

#archie #archie imagine #archie x reader #archie andrews #archie andrews imagine #archie andrews x reader #riverdale #riverdale imagine #kj apa #kj apa imagine

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thisstableground · 4 years

Note

2, 6, 14, 24 and 29 for Vansnavi; 10, 3, 26 for Vanessa/Ruben, and 7, 16, 25 and 27 for the trio? :o)

usnavi/vanessa

2. Who is the big spoon/Who is the little spoon?

has there ever, ever beenany question that usnavi is a little spoon? look at the man. it has a sort of weighted blanket effect on him and helps him wind down. vanessa doesn’tmind a bit of little-spooning as a post-coital cuddle but she can’t standsleeping that way, it makes her feel too claustrophobic. it actually takes thema while to figure this out though because of Gendered Assumptions andusnavi being too embarrassed to admit he just wants someone to cuddle him veryfirmly bc he likes feeling Small and Compact and Loved, but they both sleepmuch better once they do.

6. Who would have reallydeep emotional thoughts at the middle of the night/ Who would have them in themiddle of the day?

vanessa is dead to thegoddamn world at night and has her deep thoughts in the brightness of the daywhen she’s at full power and wanting everything fiercely and intensely and readyto go get it. usnavi is too busy to process any feelings properly untilnighttime when he tends to get overamped and understimulated by the quiet andis prone to bouts of insomniac thinking in circles.

14. Who kills the spiders?

neither of them. usnavigets all creeped out by them and vanessa scoffs and rolls her eyes like “god i’llget it then, you giant baby” but she won’t actually go near them herself, shevacuums them up, so usnavi always ends up getting it in a cup before she canbecause he has this intense fear that if she does it might lay eggs inside thevacuum cleaner and the next time they use it it’ll just spit out a thousandtiny spiders all over the apartment and then both of them will have to die immediately

24. Who is the talker/ Whois the listener?

usnavi is the talker, forthe most part, to nobody’s surprise! vanessa sometimes feels like she isn’tcontributing as much bc in her mind usnavi is also a better listener than her,bc even though he’s a chatterbox he pays such close attention on the times shedoes talk about serious stuff. but usnavi thinks that vanessa never, ever gives himthat look that some people give him where it’s like “what the fuck are you onabout?”, the one that makes him feel like he’s babbling stupidly, because evenwhen she’s teasing him or when he actually is talking absolute nonsense she still always makes sure to listen to him.

29. Who is the better cook?

vanessa. neither of themare amazing, to be honest – both make like, forgettably decent food, butvanessa’s tends to at least have more components and more effort put in. ithink that vanessa never really had much in the way of nice family meals - she mostly fed herself even as a very young kid - and when she’s older develops a sortof weirdly aggressive and vengeful self-care attitude. so her mom doesn’t careabout her, so fucking what? she’ll care about herself. she’ll make herself a nice dinner even though she’sthe only one who’ll appreciate the effort. she doesn’t need anyone else. usnavi has the exactopposite attitude:he has actually been taught how to cook by his parents and abuela, butif he’s the only one he’s cooking for, what’s the point inmaking an effort? the only time he really tries is when he’s cooking for him and sonny, and even then he just doesn’t haveany spare mental energy left to make it really good because cooking is exhausting. he isn’t terrible at it.it’s just like, yeah, this food is fine.

vanessa/ruben

10. Who likes sweet/ Who likessour?

i actually think both ofthem have a bit of a sweet tooth. they both like little pastries and bakedtreats and sugary starbucks mocha whatevers that they keep Very Much A Secretfrom usnavi. that said, i also think that vanessa is the one who grew up with alot more of the kind of mexican candy that is sold in the bodega, the stuffthat’s spicy-sour-sweet-salty all at once but definitely leaning harder towardssour.and ruben is the one who prefersall his alcoholic drinks fruity and sweet and sugary.

3. Who hogs the cover/ Wholoves to cuddle?

vanessa rolls herself up in a lil vanessa burrito while she sleeps andmaintains an unbreakable grip on the sheets that ruben doesn’t have the heart to trytoo hard to break, so he goes and gets another blanket and then wakes up anhour later realising that she has stolen this one too. (but when ruben has anightmare then vanessa gives up all the covers to wrap him up so that he issafe and covered up)

they both love to cuddle but also have limits –they’re actually far more likely to cuddle for a bit while awake then fallasleep just holding hands to give each other a little bit more breathing room.

26. Who likes to eathealthy/ Who loves junk food?

they’re both asimilar level of fairly healthy but not overly invested in diet. they get a decentamount of vegetables. vanessa is definitely a snacker and also eats nutelladirectly out of the jar more than a grown adult probably should, but rarely misses proper meals. ruben eatsmore healthy in general but when he’s working on a project he’ll eat likegarbage and drink a thousand cups of coffee.

trio

7. Who sweats the smallstuff?

rubeeeeen. oh my, soruben. even this far into the relationship there’s a lot of “are they mad at me? i think vanessa isblinking in a way that means she’s mad. i forgot to close the door on the wayinto the living room and i just shut it now but Will We All Die? Probably!! And it will be my fault!!!!”.usnavi sometimes does too but that tends to be more as part of an anxietyspiral down one path that gets more specific and detailed the longer it goeson, whereas ruben is just a constant level of small stuff being sweated.

16. Who is scared ofthunderstorms?

ruben again. it annoys thehell out of him because it’s always half Logic Brain being like “it’s just afucking thunderstorm it poses no danger to me” and he actually quite likesheavy rain sans storm, but there’s half PTSD Brain just being right on edge becauseLoud Noise = Danger, and if it’s a really bad day then the rolling of thunderturns very easily into the sound of a plane’s engines and it’s all downhillfrom there.

25. Who wears the otherones clothes?

they all wear each othersclothes. ruben’s sweaters are for vanessa when she doesn’t want to admit she’sfeeling vulnerable and needs the comfort, rubens good-quality boxer briefs solvea sensory discomfort that usnavi did not realise he had been having for years.usnavi’s big baggy t-shirts are vanessa’s pajamas (she switches out for adifferent one once it stops smelling like him). usnavi’s hat goes on ruben’shead during bad panic attacks as a physical comfort without actual physical contact. rubenlikes vanessa’s cheap, tight lazy-day tshirts as a makeshift sort of pressure vest.usnavi likes vanessa’s yoga pants because they make his legs look good.

27. Who takes a longshower/ Who sings in the shower?

vanessa on the whole takesthe longest showers. look at how much hair she has. she is part yeti. it takesso long just to get it all wet. there’s so much of it. she sheds everywhere inthe shower and its maybe the one cleaning related thing that usnavi gets pissyabout. ruben takes the second longest in general because he has most of his bigscientific revelations in the shower and also bc he shaves his downstairs zoneso, yknow, thats not an activity to be rushed (though on bad days he has short showers or doesn’t shower at all bc too triggering). usnavi is either the quickest bya very long way or, depending on how into whatever album he’s listening towhile he’s in there, could be a full hour, because he is absolutely the one whosings in the shower.

#hope nobody expected me to give short answers!!#i am very big in my trio love today so #ship: usnavi/vanessa #ruben #fandom: do no harm/in the heights #fandom: do no harm #belphegor1982

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