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#how. much. it. means. to me. How badly i mean this and everything I say.
gay-dorito-dust · 2 days
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May I request BootHill and Argenti with a crush who’s reckless and accidentally confessed due to a particularly bad injury?
Crush doesn’t care for getting injured at all and always brushes off their concerns when they get injured but one day they just get rlly badly hurt and when they try to do the usual
“I’m okay”
It just kinda snaps in the boys?
(Sorry if this is too much)
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Boothill
‘You fudging idiot!’ Boothill screamed when he saw the massive gash on your side. ‘You’ve gone and gotten yourself hurt again!’
‘I’m okay.’ You said as casually as you could while trying not to wince as Boothill began to put pressure on your wound to prevent it from bleeding out further. The gash fucking killed but you weren’t about to let him know how much it hurt, you refused to as you’ve dealt with far worse.
You haven’t, actually, that was a fucking lie to begin with.
‘I’m okay’ they say.’ Boothill scoffs, ‘yeah right, you’ve only gone and done it now! For fork’s sake would it kill you to actually act like you want to fudging live for once?!’
He knew you were a reckless spirit for the moment you first met, you were someone who didn’t care how many scars would litter your skin, only caring about finishing the mission no matter how debilitating the pain was. At first he didn’t care to know your name nor your reasoning as to why you act the way you did, but when he started to feel something for you, that’s when he began to worry himself sick over you.
Boothill genuinely wondered whether or not you cared that you lived after each and every suicide mission, you couldn’t be mended or rebuilt like he could, you weren’t invincible as you’d like to this you were and Boothill could only hope that today served as a reminder of that.
Boothill didn’t want to lose you, he couldn’t bare it as he’s already lost his friends, family and his darling Arabella who’s smile so wide you could see the her gap tooth on full display. Arabella was just learning to walk when she was taken from him along with everyone else who meant everything to him; Revenge was his only motive and loosing you would only make him surrender to it a hell of lot faster.
‘If all you’re going to do is shout about how stupid I am then you can fuck off and leave me here to die since I’m such a idiot in your eyes, mr spaghetti western.’ You barked, hating Boothill’s unnecessary comments and hating the worried look within his eyes even more, it made you feel useless and pathetic.
Boothill looked at you as though you’ve grown a second head, lost on how that was the conclusion you came to, you must be delirious from the blood loss. ‘Fork me do I have to spell it out for you- I like you fudging dummy!’ He exclaimed. ‘I’m mad not because I hate you but because you’re hurt and I’m scared of loosing you darling!’ He chuckled humourlessly as he presses his forehead against yours, the one time where he was glad that his face was the last places where he could feel your warmth seep into him. ‘Your recklessness has me on the edge of insanity more than once sweetheart. I mean do you know just how much it hurt to see you like this? I might as well have gone on a tirade and hunt down every son of a nice lady who played a part in your scars.’
You remained in stunned silence.
This confession wasn’t something you were expecting from someone like Boothill, it made you wonder whether you were imaging this for yourself, and the reality was that he wasn’t actually here with you and you were indeed dying alone with no one to provide you company other then dead corpses waiting for you to join them. So in hopes of proving yourself wrong, you lifted a hand to his cheek, watched as he melted against it, his warmth seeping into your skin.
He was here.
Boothill was here and this was real, all this was real.
‘I like you too your silly cowboy.’ You whispered before pressing a tender kiss to his plush lips. A battlefield wasn’t a great place for a confession nor for love to blossom but if that was the case then why did it feel so right for the both of you in that moment.
Later you were taken to medical and Boothill, your official partner, went back to talking your ear off about how reckless you were, but would press kisses to your forehead and hands to let you know that he’ll take care of you from now on.
Argenti hated it whenever you came back from missions injured and your carelessness towards the scrapes and bruises that littered your body didn’t exactly help either.
‘I’m fine.’ You said after spraining an ankle.
‘I’ll live.’ You waved him off dismissively after hurting your side during a mission.
It seemed as though you never held yourself in the same regard as he did, and Argenti couldn’t help but feel his heart break the more and more he witness you disregard other people’s concern, acting though you had a paper cut rather then a wound that wound take you out of action for a good couple of weeks.
So when he found you with your back pressed up against a wall and a deep gash on your leg that made it hard for you to stand never less walk.
‘My beloved rose!’ He cried as he rushed to your side, setting aside his weapon as he inspected the wound.
‘I’m okay, it’s only a small gash.’ You told him but Argenti wasn’t about to hear it, not this time. He wasn’t going to allow you the chance to dismiss him when you were severely injured. So when he levelled you with a stare, you began to wish you could take back your words as seeing such a stern expression on a man as beautiful as Argenti was actually downright terrifying. ‘This is vastly different than a small gash, this is a serious injury that could alter your life’s trajectory for good if we treat it with such disregard as you have done with previous injuries.’ He told you with a seriousness that had you listen to him.
‘And why do you care?’ You asked.
‘I’ve always cared.’ Argenti replied straightforward, ‘every injury I’ve cared. I worried for your health, your well-being, both physical and mental, but you don’t seem to do the same and that pains me because you are so-‘
‘-reckless?’ You cut in, having heard the same thing from pretty much everyone and believing Argenti would be no different from them.
‘-beautiful.’ Argenti said and your breath caught in your throat. ‘You are so beautiful to me, my rose. I have found myself grown quite fond of you in a short amount of time that any pain caused to you might as well be my own.’ He finished as he saw the conflicting emotions within your eyes and prays that you could find the truth within his words.
‘Why?’ You asked. ‘What would a knight of beauty want with a reckless idiot like me?’
Argenti smiled softly. ‘You may be reckless but you are far from an idiot my dear, I like you a lot and I merely say this in fear of a future where I may never get the chance to do so for multiple reasons. Whether or not you accept is solely up to you.’ Argenti felt as though he had finally gotten a heavy weight off of his chest, but felt a pinch of anxiety when you didn’t respond after a period of time, and began to wonder whether this was a smart move on his behalf.
‘I always dreamed of having a knight in shining armour.’ You admitted, raising a hand to cup the back of his head. ‘But I didn’t think that dream would come true until you came along and I knew in that moment I would give you my heart and so much more.’ Argenti breathes a sigh of relief as he rests his forehead against your own, nuzzling your noses together briefly. ‘I’d be more than honoured of being your knight, if you’ll let me.’
You chuckled as you looked at him fondly. ‘I’d be more than happy to my cherry haired beauty.’ You replied as Argenti was quick to scoop you in his arms and carried you to the medics, who told you that you’d be out of action for quite a while and Argenti was more then happy to be your caregiver during that time, you couldn’t be more happier at the opportunity of being with your knight in shining armour.
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wsoc-gay · 2 days
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World Cup Results II
Part 1
Ona Batlle x Reader
Summary: The beginning of Ona's Pregnancy
A/N: At least one more part to this of the pregnancy, might continue it after the baby too. But if anyone has a request please feel free to put it in my asks! I work much better and faster with ideas. I'm open to writing anything, smut, fluff, angst, kid fics, just let me know what you want to read!
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You and Ona couldn’t be more excited on the drive home from the clinic. Neither of you could wipe the smiles off your faces as your hands were held together and rested in your girlfriend’s lap. The entire ride home was full of loving sentiments exchanged to one another and plenty of blushes being spread across faces. 
Arriving home began your new train in following the advice from the doctor as closely as possible as well as going a bit overboard. Your girlfriend was starting to get annoyed with you, but even she would admit it was sweet how caring you were. Ona never opened her car door, never lifted anything too heavy, didn’t carry her bags to training, and you hardly let her do household chores. Every night for dinner you cooked a meal full of all the proper nutrients the doctors had advised eating and made sure to buy Ona only the best prenatal vitamins.
You both had agreed to not tell your teammates until you reached the 15-week mark, until then Ona didn’t have to alter her trainings and could still play in games. You had let the coaching staff and medical staff know as soon as you found out so they could monitor the Spaniard closer, but as of now you wanted to keep it on a need-to-know basis.  
It was around the 8-week mark, right after the first ultrasound, that some of your teammates began to catch on that something was happening. Any slight bump or tackle Ona took during training led to you sprinting to be by her side checking up on her. The brunette found it sweet but needed you to let up a little bit before they had to tell your team sooner than expected. 
Your worries weren’t without their reason, the chance of miscarriage was drastically higher through IVF and until Ona was outside her first trimester you had every right to worry. The days leading up to your 8-week scan were some of the most stressful days in your recent memory. You and Ona both were worried sick about having the scan show that you had lost your baby.
Ona was more stressed than you were due to her late-night research of her symptoms which often times resulted in her reading many horror stories of parents going to the first ultrasound and finding no heartbeat. The internet on top of her raging hormones led to many tearful nights where you tried to alleviate her fears but knew that the only thing to help the brunette’s anxiety would be seeing your baby. 
Thankfully one day after training the two of you were able to go to the clinic for the scan and see your baby for the first time. Tears immediately came to both of your eyes as the doctor told you your baby was not only alive, but healthy and thriving inside your girlfriend. You weren’t one to cry, but Ona made a comment that she thinks you’ll be a mess at every ultrasound, and you couldn’t help, but agree. There was something about seeing your baby on that screen that made everything seem more real. Therefore, the attentiveness only got worse.
Your English teammates were the first to confront you about your recent behavior. The pair was sat alone at a table during lunch when Lucy pulled you into a seat, “What’s wrong with you?”
You gave the older woman a confused look, “What the hell do you mean?”
Kiera slapped Lucy’s arm and muttered something you couldn’t quite make out under her breath. She looked over to you, “What Lucy meant to say,” She sent the brunette defender a glare, “Is that you’ve been acting a bit different during training recently.”
You truly hadn’t caught onto what they were referring to yet and raised an eyebrow at the pair, “Is this your guy’s subtle way of telling me I’ve been playing badly?”
Lucy slapped the back of your head and groaned, “No you idiot,” You slapped her right back, “Every time someone so much as touches Ona you act like she got shot.” Lucy slapped you again, “And you’re always watching her like a hawk,” You slapped her back.
Kiera grabbed her arm before she could retaliate, “Would you two stop acting like children already.”
This wasn’t surprising behavior for you and the outside back, ever since you arrived at Barcelona the two of you grew much closer. Lucy helped you a lot to settle into the team and lifestyle of Spain, so overtime you grew a lot closer. Hence, why she was one of the first ones to notice a change in your behavior.
You suddenly realized what they were referring too and tried to hide it best you could, “I’m not acting any different, I always worry about her.”
Lucy gave you a dumbfounded look, “Yeah, but this is even pushing it for you,” She began to dramatically mimic you, “Oh my love, Ona, someone leaned on you during our full contact sport, and job, are you sure you’re going to survive this,” She leaned back with an arm laid against her forehead dramatically. 
You started slapping the older brunette again, “Oh shut up, I am not acting like that.”
Kiera sighed and pushed the two of you apart, “Would you two seriously stop it,” she looked at Lucy, “Luce stop being dramatic,” and then turned to face you, “You’re not acting like whatever the hell that display was, but you are acting extra protective over her.”
You ultimately made up some excuse about Ona having reinflamed her ankle and that you wanted to make sure she didn’t seriously injure it again. The pair of English women didn’t seem to believe your excuse, but let you go on your way.
On the ride home you had told you told Ona about the confrontation with Lucy and Kiera which she followed up by agreeing that you needed to tone down the protectiveness and worrying. She had begun to notice it too and believed it was sweet but agreed that it was about to get out of hand and was only a matter of time before more of your teammates began to catch on. 
---
It was a couple weeks later, around the 12-week mark, when Ona was quieter than usual after training. The car ride home was nearly silent, but you didn’t mention it and assumed she was just tired. As the pregnancy progressed Ona was starting to become increasingly more tired throughout the day, so you assumed that alongside the hard training today was the cause for her quietness. 
It wasn’t until a little later when you walked into the living room and found the Spaniard sitting on the couch with her head in her hands that you finally asked, “Is something wrong babe? Are you not feeling well?”
Her head remained in her hands as she softly muttered out, “I need to tell you something.”
You quickly sat down next to her with you hand on her thigh and concern lacing your voice, “Is it the baby? Do we need to call the doctor?”
She quickly sat back and leaned against the couch quickly alleviating your worries, “No, no the baby is fine. It’s just, es posible que accidentalmente le haya contado a Aitana sobre el bebé.” She had rushed out the last sentence in Spanish making it difficult for you to understand.
“Slower, por favor, you know my Spanish isn’t good when you talk fast.”
“I accidentally told Aitana about the baby today,” Feeling increasingly guilty she began to ramble, “I know we didn’t want to tell people about the baby this early, but she cornered me and you know I’m bad at keeping things to myself when someone asks and it just slipped out. I am so sorry mi amor.”
You chuckled at her rambling but let out a sigh of relief knowing this was the cause to Ona’s mood shift and not something more serious. Ona and Aitana had always been close, growing up playing for the academy together and since Ona returned to Barca they became even closer, so part of you was more surprised it took this long for her to find out. The outside back also was known for being bad at keeping secrets. Anytime someone would ask her about something she wasn’t supposed to talk about she would begin rambling making it obvious that she was hiding something and would usually end up saying it anyways.
You dropped back to lean against the couch and moved your hand from her knee onto her, hardly noticeable, bump, “Oh thank god, you had me worried, love.”
Ona covered your hand with hers, “There is nothing to worry about, I’m sorry she found out.”
The outside back when onto explain that Aitana had cornered her in the locker room after training when the rest of the team had already filed out. Instead of the usual comments which were about how protective you had become, Aitana had brought up how happy the two of you had seemed and that you were touchier than usual. She also had picked up on Ona subtly rubbing her stomach and your hand grazing over it after you would hug. She had straight up asked Ona if she was pregnant, and there was no escaping it from there, your girlfriend didn’t know how to lie.
“And you know I can’t lie, amor, she caught me so off guard and I must’ve taken too long to try and come up with an excuse, but she just pulled me into a hug saying how happy she was for us.”
You laughed again, wrapping an arm around her shoulders to pull the smaller girl into your side, “I’m more surprised you lasted this long without everyone finding out.”
Ona rubbed a hand over her stomach instinctively, “As long as everyone keeps bringing it up to you instead of me, we should be okay, there’s only three weeks until I can’t play in matches anymore and then we’ll have to tell them.”
You looked down to her face as you smoke softly, “We can tell the team now if you want, you’re out of the first trimester, we just saw the baby, and everything is healthy, there’s no big reason to keep it from them anymore.”
“No, no, I like just keeping it to ourselves. Our own little bubble outside of football for now,” she leaned up to connect your lips softly and full of love.
---
Aitana did much better of a job keeping the secret to herself than you originally expected. The midfielder took her job as being the best friend and only teammate who knew very seriously. Anytime your teammates would begin on the topic when she was around, she would quickly shush their comments and would back any lie you made up to cover your secret. 
You and Ona were grateful for her efforts, but in a way, it only increased your other teammates suspicions. You also were now partially convinced much of the team actually already knew what was going on. As the last two weeks have gone by Mapi, Ingrid, and Alexia had completely stopped asking anything about the topic. Originally Mapi had been one of the most vocal players about finding out what was going on, but now had completely stopped in her efforts. 
The truth was Ingrid, being the observant and caring teammate and friend that she was, had picked up on the same signals Aitana had. She obviously told Mapi about her suspicions who then confided in Alexia about them. Therefore, they came up with a plan to get the two of you to admit it to them. 
It was after the last game of the season before the Christmas break that Alexia decided the team would go to a club to celebrate before everyone left to their respective homes. You and Ona were going to see your family in England for the break, so you tried to get the two of you out of going by saying that you had to finish packing before your flight. Alexia wasn’t taking this as an answer and needed the both of you there to try and get an admittance from you, therefore, said it was required team bonding and you had to be there. The original plan was for Alexia and Mapi to call Ona out on not drinking and essentially for her to expose the pregnancy, but this plan was quickly stopped when the two of you entered the bar, keys in Ona’s hands, clearly having drove the two of you there. Anytime she was asked about a drink it was easy for her to say she was driving that night, plus she didn’t have to lie so there was no worries about her slipping up.
Alexia and Mapi were still trying to come up with a new plan when, surprisingly, you were the one to let it slip.
You were sitting at a table with many of your teammates while Ona was dancing with Aitana, Patri, Claudia, and Cata when a guy walked up behind Ona and placed his hands on her hips. You were on your feet and dragging the man off her before she had the chance to pull away.
The man turned around to be face to face with the hands that had just pulled him off the girl he was obviously interested in, “What the fuck do you want?”
You stood tall with your chest puffed and harshly spoke, “I want you to get your hands off my girlfriend.”
He scoffed, “Girlfriend? Sorry bud, I don’t think she’s the girlfriend type.”
You laughed, “Sorry, bud, but I’m the one she’s woken up next to for the past 8 years so I think I might know her a bit better than you.”
“Yeah, well I didn’t see you anywhere until after I came over so looks like I’ve beat you to it.”
“Oh, fuck no,” You tried to shove past him to get to Ona, but he moved to block your path.
“Why don’t you prove it to me then?” By now a decent amount of your teammates had noticed what was going on and began to come over to help deal with the man.
This sent you over the edge, it might’ve partially been at fault to the alcohol you had that night, and you being a little more than drunk already. But with one big push to his shoulder you announced, “I think the fact that she’s pregnant with my baby proves enough,” this left him shocked and gave you enough time to walk over to Ona with your back turned to the man and place a hand on the side of her face, “Are you alright, love?” Most of your teammates were now standing around you with their jaws hanging open clearly in shock.
The man clearly wasn’t over the embarrassment yet, as he pulled your shoulder back to face him and landed a hook across your cheek, you threw one right back getting him across the nose before security was dragging him away just as Lucy was doing the same to you. You looked back to find Ona and saw Alexia standing in front of her having clearly dragged her back and away from you and the man, likely assuming the altercation may escalate and after your confirmation didn’t want the Spaniard anywhere near the potential of a fight.
After clearing some things with the security guards, they let you stay and Lucy was dragging you over to the table many of your teammates had gone to sit at, the rest following close behind you. 
Ona slid into the booth next to you with a bag of ice in her hand, and reaching up with her free hand to grab your chin and turn your head to assess the damage, “Are you okay? You know I hate it when you do that.”
You were waving your arm dramatically, clearly still affected by the alcohol in your system, “He wanted to take you home I was protecting you both.”
She had a soft smile and pressed the bag of ice to your cheek, which you took over holding against your face, “I know you were, but you could’ve gotten hurt a lot worse.”
“I don’t care,” You leaned closer to whisper in her ear, clearly having forgotten you had already spilled your secret, “You’re carrying precious cargo, Baby Mami.”
Ona chuckled and patted your thigh, “No point in whispering now, amor, you already announced it.”
You turned to see the rest of your team giving you both dumbfounded and shocked looks, but Alexia, Aitana, Mapi, and Ingrid just smirking to themselves.
Alexia was the first to speak up from across the table, “So, you two are having a baby?”
You moved your free hand to rest on your girlfriend’s stomach and smiled as Ona replied, “Yep, baby y/l/n-Batlle is due in May. We were going to tell you all after the break, but tonight was my last match for the season, I’m about to be fifteen weeks, so no more matches.”
You were met with a lot of congratulations from your teammates when Lucy finally connected the dots and pointed at you, “So this is why you’ve been so unbearably protective over her recently.”
You defended yourself, “She’s carrying precious cargo, that’s the future best player in the world in there,” You patted her small bump, and the brunette covered your hand with hers.
This caused a smile to breakout on Ona’s face and laughs spread around the table. Ona had decided you had enough to drink, and she was exhausted having played 70 minutes today, so announced that you would be heading home. It took a few minutes before you were finally out the door, having to go through and hug every one of your teammates and being told congratulations by each one of them. 
The next day the two of you flew to England for the first half of break, you would spend Christmas with your family before coming back to Spain to spend the rest with Ona’s family who you saw more often. 
Since the secret was already out to your teammates and your families had already known for weeks while home in England you and Ona were able to tell a few of your England and former Arsenal teammates you were closest with. 
While in London and met up with Leah, Lia, Lotte, Alessia, Beth, and Viv for lunch to share the news with them. Leah was especially moved when you told her, having been much like a big sister to you during your time at Arsenal. She couldn’t get past how grown up you were and that now were having a baby. Alessia did a lot of claiming that this all happened because of her setting you two up. While you’ll go to your grave denying her you can’t help but thank her slightly.
---
Thanks for reading everyone, I hope you enjoyed! Again, please leave any requests or prompts in my asks!
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andvys · 18 hours
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Dancing with our hands tied | S.H.
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Chapter eighteen ⭐︎ Tell me 'bout the first time you saw me
Warnings: 18+ minors don't interact! smut smut smut, fluff, mentions of bullying, mentions of the upside down, unprotected sex, mentions of unrequited feelings
Pairing: Steve Harrington x fem!reader
Summary: Steve takes another step towards you, one that might change everything, hopefully for the better.
Word count: 9.7k+
Author's note: always a pleasure working with @hellfire--cult hehe. we're getting closer to the best scenes roe ♡
Series Masterlist ⭐︎ Previous Chapter
A shrill noise, distant ringing sounds through the house. You’re in and out of sleep as you try to register where the sound is coming from, you open your eyes to the bright lights coming from the TV in your living room, a groan falls from your lips and you squint your eyes when you feel the pain in your neck from the uncomfortable position you had fallen asleep in. You rub your tired eyes and turn your head to look at your best friend who is sleeping deeply on the other side of the couch, snoring loudly and completely unfazed by the flashing lights from the horror movie playing on your TV screen or the loud ringing of the telephone. 
The obnoxious sound coming from the kitchen continues, forcing you to get up. You nearly trip over Eddie’s sneakers as you rush out of the living room and into the hallway, your mind is still sleeping, your eyes still tired, the ringing hurts your ears and you grab the receiver as soon as it’s in reach. 
“Hello?” You grumble, leaning your head against the wall and closing your eyes again as you stand in the dark kitchen. 
“Hey Blondie.” 
The sweet sound of his voice fills your heart with life and your stomach with butterflies, your eyes shoot open and you instantly straighten your back. 
“Steve?” Your voice only above a whisper as you hold the receiver a little tighter than before. 
“Did I wake you, honey?” He murmurs, sending shivers down your spine with the raspiness in his voice. “I’m sorry if I did, I-I just wanted to hear your voice… I uh, I just dropped Robin off, we talked for a while.” 
Your breath hitches in your throat as your eyes widen. 
He wanted to hear your voice. 
He called just to hear your voice. 
He makes your heart swell in your chest just with a few simple words, words that hold so much meaning to you. 
But then you remember what happened only a few hours back.
And just like that the swelling and the warmth in your heart fleets away and anxiousness fills it instead. 
What did they talk about? 
Robin didn’t seem quite fond of you when you left his car earlier, the tone in her voice and the glare that she directed at you were proof of that. 
What if she talked some sense into him and told him to stop seeing you, that you are both going nowhere with this?
“Oh…” You mutter, not knowing what else to say. 
You play with the cord, wrapping it around your finger as you start bouncing your knee, waiting for his next words. 
“Are you okay?” You add in concern. 
“Yeah, I’m okay. She uh, she won’t say anything so… we can still… if you want?” He asks and clears his throat to hide the shakiness in his voice but you caught it. “Because I wanna keep doing it.” 
If you want? 
You’d keep going with this for the rest of your life if he wanted it, no matter how badly it hurts to be nothing but a little secret, not having him at all, would hurt so much more.
Relief follows quickly, despite the anxiety that still lingers but something tells you that Robin won’t be as accepting of it as Eddie is.
“I want to keep seeing you too, Steve.”
You hear his breathing, the way it stutters, the way it always does before a smile appears on his face. It makes your own lips curl into a smile as your shoulders relax and you slump against the wall.
“Good,” he whispers and you hope that you aren’t mishearing the happiness in his voice. 
“Good,” you repeat after him, unable to fight the smile off your face. 
You want to ask how the conversation went, what she asked, what she wanted to know but you don’t want to ruin this moment between you. 
You can leave it for another time, you can wait, just like you always do. 
“Is Eddie still there?” 
“Yeah, he passed out on the couch and I’m afraid he’ll wake up with a stiff neck tomorrow.” 
Steve’s chuckle makes your stomach flutter again.  
“Wouldn’t be the first time.” 
You nod with a smile on your face, “yeah.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t come home with you,” he murmurs after a moment of silence. 
“It’s okay,” you whisper, trying not to sigh, trying not to show how sad you are that he isn’t here with you. The nights you spent alone in your bed are long over. “You needed to talk to Robin…”
He is silent, for a long moment he says nothing and only breathes as he stands in his kitchen, the only source of light coming from the small lamp on the counter, he stares into nothing as he contemplates asking if he can come over because he doesn’t want to spend the night without you, he doesn’t want to go to sleep without the warmth of your body atop of his, your soft breathing on his skin and your hands holding onto him as you unknowingly cling to him in your sleep, he doesn’t want to miss it, not even for a single night. 
“Steve?” 
Your voice sounds like a blessing to his ears now, the emotions that rush through him are no longer confusing him. 
“Yes?” 
He waits for you to speak but you are hesitating, only your soft breathing sounds through the phone. He hopes that you’ll ask him to come, he hopes that he can wrap his arms around you tonight, after all. 
“... Eddie ate your pringles.”
He raises his brows and tilts his head to the side, this is not what he wanted to hear but he can’t help but laugh. 
“And your butterscotch ice cream too.” 
He leans his head against the wall behind him, a smile of amusement appearing on his face. 
“I had to hide your kitkat’s so he wouldn’t eat them too.” 
He closes his eyes and listens to your voice, waiting for you to continue. You could talk about anything to him, literally anything – gossip, music, make-up, clothes and shoes, the weather or some random movie he has never seen, he’ll happily listen to you.
“But he found them…” You say with a giggle, “I don’t know where all that food is going! Did you see how many burgers he ate at Hopper’s?” 
No, no he really didn’t pay attention to your best friend, he was too busy watching you. 
“He might have a hole in his stomach.”
You chuckle, “he might, yeah, or he just gets the worst munchies after he gets high.” 
“Yeah, speaking of, we haven’t done that in a while.”
The last time you got high together, you didn’t get the munchies, no, you got something entirely else, something much more satisfying. It started with slow kissing, soft touches and desperate moans, you made out and undressed each other, you marked his skin and he did the same to yours and left them in places only he could see, he sank to his knees and unraveled you with his tongue, he tore out the sweetest sighs and the prettiest moans from you and now that he thinks back to that moment, he can’t help but wonder what exactly he was high on, drugs or you? 
“What, getting high? We should do that but we’ll have to buy new snacks first, Eddie ate all your favorite ones and I definitely need to stock up on chips and candy but whenever I get high I just want to eat pizza and pasta and uh… I should probably stop talking about food or else I’ll get hungry again,” you murmur the last part and place a hand on your stomach when you feel it grumbling. 
He smiles fondly and an idea pops in his head. 
"Pasta, huh?" He mumbles as he takes a look around his kitchen, “you’re staying with me tomorrow night, right?” 
“...If you still want me to, yes.” 
After his realization, he wouldn’t even mind you staying with him permanently and these thoughts swirl inside his head in full honesty. 
“I do want you to,” he nods even though you aren’t there to see, “well, I promised that I’d cook for you, remember?” 
Your cheeks heat up at his words and the permanent smile on your face grows bigger. 
“Mhm.”
“Let me cook for you tomorrow night, Blondie.” 
You bite your lip, unsuccessfully holding back the grin as giddiness rushes through your bones, making you unable to stand still. 
“I won’t say no to that, Steve.” 
Steve’s cheeks almost hurt from the grin on his lips as he heard the excitement in your voice, his own growing bigger and bigger as he already begins to count down the minutes until you’re back in his arms and here with him, hearing your voice isn’t enough, he needs to see you, to feel you, he needs you by his side. 
But for now, this will have to do. 
You both talk, not minding the late hour in the slightest as you both stand in your kitchen’s and giggle into your phones, feeling like teenagers all over again, each of you wearing lovesick smiles on your faces and happiness in your eyes, fluttering feelings in your hearts and in your stomachs – reactions and feelings now mutual and no longer one sided. 
Your teenage self would stare in awe if she saw you now, the happiest smile would play on her lips, she might even be jumping around. 
King Steve would be… surprised but maybe not unpleasantly so, there was more to him than he ever wanted to admit. 
Steve knows it now. 
When he hears your giggle, that sweet sound that lights up everything inside of him now, he knows. 
He never wants to miss your laughter again, he never wants to miss your voice, he never wants to miss you. He doesn’t even want to hang up the phone, not even when you make the promise that you will call him again with the phone upstairs in your room, when your makeup is off and you’re comfortable under your warm covers. 
And you, you rush out of the kitchen the moment you hang up the phone, with a fluttering heart and huge smile on your face, you make your way back into the living room, despite knowing you’ll be unsuccessful in waking your best friend and trying to get him into the guest room. 
A part of you feels relieved to see him asleep though – you don’t need him to see your blushing face. 
He is snoring into one of the pillows, his bangs covering his eyes, he is taking over the entire couch now, his knee angled weirdly as his arm hangs down, fingers grazing the carpet. You chuckle to yourself and step towards him, you lean down and wrap a gentle hand around his wrist, bringing his arm back up so he won’t deal with any soreness in the morning. You reach for a blanket and place it over his body before you turn off the TV. 
And as you quickly make your way upstairs, rushing into your bathroom to brush your teeth and take your makeup off, Steve is already in bed, staring at the phone on his nightstand, waiting for your call. 
With his arms tucked behind his head, the covers over his body, he feels warmth surrounding him as your smell lingers in his room, on the covers and the sheets, the pillow that is now yours – your side of the bed empty to his dismay, it almost feels weird to lay here without you when only months back, this was all he knew, an empty bed that he had never shared with anyone until you stepped into his life and came to steal his heart. 
And he never wants to share it with anyone else again, only you. 
The ringing of the phone doesn’t even last for two seconds before he picks it up and speaks your name into the receiver, earning a breathy chuckle from you.
“Missed me?” 
He hears the rustling of your sheets and how you try to get comfortable in your bed – oh, how he wishes he was there with you. 
“Mhmm thought you went to sleep without me,” he murmurs into the phone as he pulls at the cord of the telephone and turns on his side, sinking his face into your pillow and breathing in your scent. 
“Without talking your ear off first? Never.” You joke. 
Steve chuckles, shaking his head, “you can talk my ear off anytime, honey. Tell me about your day.” 
“We spent half of the day together.” 
“Exactly, half.” He says as a yawn escapes him and his eyes grow tired, lashes beginning to flutter. “And half of that day was spent listening to the teens bickering.” 
“Okay, yeah you’re right,” you say with a smile on your face and sink deeper into the side that you don’t usually sleep on, you breathe in the cologne that lingers on your pillow and close your eyes as you start talking about anything that comes to mind, the movie you watched with Eddie, the shopping trip you went on with El and Max a few days back, the pretty necklace you saw in the small jewelry shop downtown, the flowers that started growing in your garden, your niece and how much you miss her. 
A smile tugs at his lips and he feels calmness in his chest, your voice makes him feel safe, so safe that it lulls him into sleep only minutes later as he lies in bed surrounded by the smell of you and the sweetest sound in his ear. 
And you don’t notice at first, continuing to ramble about something completely unimportant before you register the utter silence on the other line. 
“Stevie?” 
A light snore echoes, making you giggle when you realize that he had fallen asleep. 
You hold the receiver tighter in your hand and hold the covers against your chest, closing your eyes and staying on the line, listening to his breathing. You wish you could be with him, lay your head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat instead. 
“Good night,” you whisper softly, though wishing you could say something else, something more. 
-
Music plays in the background, some Tears for Fears song. The mouthwatering smell of food lingers in the air, making your stomach grumble in anticipation, you sip on your cold white wine as you watch him with a smile on your face and blushing cheeks. 
He looks good, he always does but there is something more about him tonight, perhaps it’s the way he looks so sexy in his tight fitted black tank top and his Levi’s, arms sunkissed and his freckles and moles on full display for you, his hair messy yet styled perfectly or maybe it’s that slight rosy color in his cheeks along with the glowing in his eyes, the look of happiness deeply etched into his soft features or maybe it’s the fact that he is cooking for you. 
All day you had been so nervous, you paced around the house and busied yourself with cleaning and organizing drawers and your closet, feeling as though you were waiting on a date when you don’t even know what it feels like to go on one. This isn’t a date, no matter how much it felt like it when you started preparing for the night, when you took your sweet time washing your hair and scrubbing your skin soft, shaving and moisturizing every part of your body, putting makeup on your face and curlers into your hair, you painted your nails his favorite color and put on a dress that you wished would make him swoon. 
And it did, it does make him swoon, everything about you now does. 
You nearly knocked him off his feet when you appeared on his doorstep in this pretty new outfit that shows off your beautiful body and your soft skin that he craves to feel on his constantly. For the first time, Steve didn’t want to rip it off of you and take you, he found himself wishing to take it off slowly, kiss every inch of you softly and feel you in a whole new way, and he told himself he would, that he would take his time with you tonight, though it felt hard to keep his hands to himself when you walked through the door, he wanted nothing more than to pull you against him and kiss you breathless but not yet, he told himself, not yet. 
“It smells so good already,” you smile, watching how he stirs the sauce as you breathe in the smell of garlic and cheese. 
“Just wait until you taste it,” he winks at you. 
“So cocky,” you tease him with a chuckle, taking a sip of your wine before you step closer to him. 
“Well, you always love my breakfasts, honey,” he murmurs, putting the spatula down and checking on the pasta before he turns his body to you, looking you up and down with a lick of his lips. He steps closer to you and reaches his hand out to touch your waist, tearing a shaky breath out of you. 
You gulp. The smell of his cologne, the touch of his hand nearly cause your knees to buckle – it’s almost funny how your body still reacts like this, after everything you have done together, you still blush, you still swoon, your heart still flutters. 
Steve bites his lip as his eyes look at your own, his hand reaches for the glass in your hand and he takes it from you, putting it down on the counter before he grabs your waist with both hands, taking you by surprise when he picks you up with ease, his lips curl into a smirk when a small gasp escapes you and you clasp your hands around his biceps, holding on tightly, even when he places you on the counter, you still hold onto him. He pushes your legs apart a little, letting his hands move from your waist to your thighs as he steps between them. 
You suck in a sharp breath, your cheeks are burning under his gaze, your skin heating up beneath his palms as his fingers disappear underneath your dress. 
His lashes kiss his skin as he keeps blinking, his hazel eyes gazing into yours so differently than usual and it drives your heart crazy. 
But despite how bad you want to let yourself fall into delusions that there might be something other than lust in his eyes at this very moment, you have to remind yourself of what this is and what this isn’t supposed to be. 
“Mhm, your breakfasts are very good,” you nod, “but who would’ve thought that Steve Harrington would ever cook dinner for me, a fancy one too.”
Steve chuckles, leaning much much closer and deciding to make your insides tingle even worse than before when he brings his hand up towards your face and tucking the fallen strand of hair behind your ear. 
“Who would’ve thought that you would ever sit on my kitchen counter?” He teases, tilting his head to the side as his hand slips down your body and grabs at your hip. “I think your teenage self would gasp and glare at the you now.” 
A giggle falls from your lips, you shake your head – he couldn’t be more wrong. 
“Yeah, and King Steve would pour the wine over your head if he saw you cooking dinner for his number one enemy.” 
Steve chuckles. 
“Enemy,” he repeats after you as his eyes crinkle in amusement, “that’s cute.”
Does he know what his words do to you? 
Does he know what his touch causes? 
Does he know that your heart feels as though it will beat out of your chest after every small act of his? 
Because something inside of you, tells you that he is starting to know. His touch is softer, his eyes are too. 
“Cute?” You smirk and speak out confidently even though your palms grow sweaty and you suddenly feel shy beneath his gaze. “You think us being mean to each other was cute?” 
Steve shakes his head at you and to your disappointment, he steps away and returns back to the stove that he turns off after checking on the pasta. He reaches for a towel and wraps it around the handles of the pot, taking it off the stove, he steps further away from you and towards the sink. 
“No, you thinking that we were enemies is cute.” 
You press your palms against the counter and tilt your head to the side, your hair that he just tucked behind your ear, falling back in front of your face. You squint your eyes at him as a curious smile appears on your lips. “Were we not?” You ask, wondering what he saw you as during one of your worst times in your life. 
“I don’t think you’d be sitting here in this cute little dress if you were,” he smirks, winking at you before he turns away from you to drain the water from the pot, tilting his head back to avoid the steam. 
And you are grateful that he isn’t looking at you right now, the heat in your cheeks worsens and you suddenly don’t know what to do with your hands. 
You’re no stranger to Steve’s flirting, but it’s usually a little less intimate and under circumstances different from these, usually his flirty comments are there just to get in your pants – at least that’s what you think. 
“So… what was I then?” You ask, trying to keep yourself together, trying not to show how nervous his behavior is making you today. 
Steve places the pot back on the stove and he throws the towel over his shoulder and glances at you, a striking feeling cursing through him and catching him off guard. The evening sun is still high in the sky, shining through the windows and casting a golden glow over the kitchen and over you, kissing your beautiful skin and your shiny hair, the pretty color in your eyes glowing just like the rosy blush you put on your cheeks, the color matching your lipstick and the little dainty flowers on your dress, your lashes flutter every time you blink, your lips parting as you watch him with a cute look of curiosity in your features, your chest rises up and down softly, he can see the way your breathing stutters the longer you look at him though, it makes his lip twitch into a soft smile. 
He feels the beat of his heart, the fluttering and the sensation that has him in a chokehold, you steal his breath away, all the goddamn time, even when you’re not near, just the thought of you, the reminder of your touch and the image of you beneath his body is enough to nearly sink him to his knees. 
He stares at you, finding himself unable to look away and snap back. 
You look angelic under this golden light and he can’t stop from drinking you in, his eyes taking in every spot on your face, every feature, every edge, every curve – features he once thought were so sharp and shadowed by meanness are actually nothing close to that. 
You are soft, you are so gentle and vulnerable, nothing close to the girl he once thought you were. 
You showed him a side of you only the closest ones get to see. He should’ve known it was there, even before knowing you. 
He should’ve known when you jumped in to help fight against Vecna, when you were so protective over Max and Lucas, when you jumped in after him and saved him from the bats despite being a stranger of the horrors that waited for you on the other side, when you put a comforting hand on Eddie’s when he seemed anxious days and weeks after you were both released from the hospital, when he saw the sadness in your eyes after your fight during that one game night, when he saw how you treated your niece and the fourth of july – the night that changed everything. 
You were always right there, right before his eyes, always in reach yet never close enough to actually see. 
But now he sees you, the real you that you still try to bury underneath that rough exterior that is slowly crumbling, more and more, little by little. 
“Steve?” Your unsure voice calls out to him, pulling him out of his thoughts and back into the kitchen. You are staring at him, a flustered expression deep in your features as you look into his eyes. 
He doesn’t shy away from you, from the fact that he’s been caught staring as he lost himself in his thoughts. 
“Sorry… What? Got– I got a little lost there a bit.” 
You clear your throat, surprised by his words, you straighten your back and blink. 
“W-What were we… if we weren’t enemies?” 
Steve watches the way your lips move, the way you shift on the counter and pull your hands on your lap where your dress rides up the slightest bit, the way your perfume makes him want to bury his face in your neck and inhale more of it, the way you seem to become prettier and prettier, each passing second. 
He has to force himself to look away from you so he can come up with the right words. He cranes his neck and looks up at the ceiling, squinting his eyes and pursing his lips. 
“Well…” 
What were you to each other? 
What were you to him? 
Steve truly never saw you as an enemy, he didn’t like you, he couldn’t stand you for reasons he only now begins to see and understand, but you were never once his enemy. 
“I wanted to rip your hair out sometimes,” he jokes, making you chuckle, “but… I never wanted to make your life miserable. We weren’t in the same… groups or mindsets… but that never made us enemies.” 
A surprised but soft chuckle escapes you as you look up at him, your eyes trailing from his face to his neck where the hickeys that you have left are so visible to you. 
You believe him. 
As mean as he could be, there was never an evil side to him that wanted people to suffer or feel bad. Though you did feel miserable because of him but it was never Steve’s fault, it was your own, only your heart was to blame. If it didn’t get so attached to him, if it wasn’t his from the moment you laid your cynical eyes on him, his actions and words wouldn’t have hurt in the slightest, you would’ve brushed them off, you would’ve brushed him off, but you couldn’t, you were done for. 
But even if you could change it, if you could take your heart back and change your own feelings, you wouldn’t have done it, not even back then when you suffered nothing but sadness and heartache. Maybe you’re a masochist, or maybe just a hopeless romantic with too much hidden hope – hope that you yourself didn’t even want to admit to having, not until recently. 
“Hmm,” you hum and hook your finger around his belt, pulling him closer and between your legs, “and what am I to you now?” 
Your question catches him off guard once more, the look in your eyes so hopeful, though his own cannot see because the panic in him rises so quickly that it steals his breath away. 
What are you to him? 
What are you both to each other?  
He wishes you were his, he wants you to be his, and after last night’s realization, after seeing what he’s been craving all along, he wants you to be his girl, his only, tonight and for always. 
He doesn’t want this to be a short summer, he doesn’t want this to be a temporary relationship – he wants more, he wants a future, a future with you. 
But what do you want? 
What can he say to you when he only wants one thing? 
Steve knows exactly what to say, but he can’t give you the truth now, can he? 
He doesn’t want to ruin this, this night or this thing between you – he needs to find out more, he needs to be more sure before he risks something. 
“You’re my… friend.”
You try not to flinch at that word, you try to hide the pain in your eyes and the physical reaction from the stab in your heart. 
Of course this is what you are to him. 
A friend. 
“We’re friends,” he whispers. 
And you don’t even notice just how forced his own words come out of his mouth, how his eyes shift and the excitement leaves his features for a moment, how he doesn’t seem fond of his own answer. 
The bitterness on your tongue spreads and you have to reach for your glass of wine to take a sip and swallow it down. 
Tension rises between you but only for a moment because you both refuse to let a few words ruin this night for you. 
“Friends,” you nod and you too miss the way he flinches now, the way he scrunches his eyes as though pangs of pain hit him out of nowhere, the way he still places his hands on your thighs, the way a friend definitely shouldn’t. 
But you aren’t really friends are you? 
Because friends aren’t supposed to be this close and look at each other so longingly, they shouldn’t reach for one another the moment they’re close enough to touch, they shouldn’t meet up in secret to spend nights together and sit at dinner tables with each other, stare at one another with shiny eyes and giddy smiles as their hearts beat in sync through every emotion, they shouldn’t stare at each others lips and wait for the right moment to kiss, their fingers shouldn’t touch while they’re eating their dinner. 
And they certainly shouldn’t do this. 
Your lips are locked with his, you are kissing each other feverishly, your fingers are lost in his hair, his are digging into your sides as he pushes you towards his bed, not once did he break the kiss on the way up to the second floor, despite the giggles that threatened to escape when you both tripped a few times. 
Your heart is beating strongly against your ribcage, your skin feels hotter than ever as moans echo through his room. 
Steve’s lips mold against yours so perfectly, his hands hold you so tightly yet so gently and something feels so different today, feelings that are much more intense than usual are on overdrive tonight, something in the way he holds you feels so raw, so real. 
When your head hits the pillows and his chest presses against yours as he hovers over you, you remove your hands from his hair and slip them down his chest, reaching for the hem of his shirt, though to your surprise, he grabs your hands, gently, he pins them down but not harshly, the tips of his fingers brushing against your palms and when he breaks the kiss, you look up in confusion, not understanding why he stopped you, why he slowed you down. 
“What…?” You mumble.
Steve can’t help but smile at the cute frown on your face, your lips are puffy, your hair is a mess already. 
He feels nervousness rushing through his body but more so, he feels anticipation. 
“I want to try something new tonight,” he whispers before he presses another kiss to your lips, surprising you with the softness of it. “Is that okay?” 
You nod and whisper a small ‘yes’ despite not knowing what he means by that. 
“Do you trust me?” He asks as though he doesn’t hold your heart in the palm of his hand, as though you wouldn’t follow him blindly into anything. 
You don’t know what this means, how far he will take things tonight, how rough he will get or what the new thing is that he seemingly feels desperate to try but you would say yes to anything when it comes to him.
“I do,” you say only above a whisper. 
His lip twitches at that, his eyes lighten up and he wastes no time to connect his lips to yours again, closing his eyes and getting lost in it, in you. 
He realizes just how intimate all of this is, this night, these touches, yours and his words, and it’s all he wished for, all that he ever wanted, all that he craved and longed for. 
Before you, he saw a faceless woman by his side as he yearned for a deep connection, a kind of love he never experienced before, one that would not only bring him back to life but also consume him in every shape and form. He waited and waited, met new girls and took one after the other out, date after date and no future was still in sight until he had gotten so desperate that he had made peace with the fact that there was only one he had something real with – but even that was false, her love was never real, it was nothing but a delusion to him and he realized that his feelings weren’t real either, at least during his second try, they were only the result of desperation and loneliness. 
And he knows, he knows that this might not be real either, that you might not feel the same, that you might never feel the same but he doesn’t really care, especially not in this moment, when your fingers dig into his hair again and your lips move with his so naturally, so softly, like it’s the only thing meant to be. 
Your moans, your smell, your taste and your body beneath him makes him feel things he had never felt before. To feel you clinging to him and kissing him with so much passion makes his heart scream in joy, the heart that only beats for you now. 
Your tongues meet as his fingers pull the straps of your dress down your arms, grazing your skin with his touch, pulling out whimpers from you that shoot straight through him, making everything feel so much hotter. His palm slips down your chest and your waist before it falls to your hip where your dress had already ridden up to, his hand disappears under it but instead of reaching for your panties to yank them down your legs the way he usually would do, he just lets it rest there for a moment, needing to feel your warm, bare skin underneath his hand. 
Your chest rises up and down heavily, it’s pressed against his and he can feel how strongly your heart is beating, matching the pace of his own. 
He feels how desperate you are getting as you grab at his hair harder than before, bucking your hips up to meet his and he grants you your wish, grinding his erection against your core, he makes you both moan in pleasure. 
And when your lips break apart and you call out his name, Steve nearly crumbles. 
He leans down to kiss your neck and you tilt your head to the side, almost immediately, welcoming him to mark your skin up with love bites, and he does, his lips meet your skin, over and over again, kissing softly and sucking gently, he then moves down to your collarbone, leaving no spot unkissed. 
You pull your brows together so strongly, overwhelmed by his gentle touches and the feeling of his lips kissing you this way but you can only close your eyes and moan for him, savoring this very moment. 
“Steve…” You whimper as you feel the hot sensation flushing through you and burning in your core. 
He takes your dress off slowly, not quickly or desperately, he takes his time slipping it down your body. His large hand grabs at your hip, his fingers playing with the thin material of your panties as his lips are still latched onto your collarbone, that he pulls away from to take a look at you. 
There you lie beneath him in nothing but your matching underwear, your eyes hooded and filled with emotions you usually hide, your puffy lips are parted, your cheeks are flushed, you furrow your brows in need as you look up at him with pleading eyes. 
He sucks in a shaky breath as his heart skips several beats, your beauty, your soft skin, your smell, the look in your eyes all being too much for his poor heart. 
He is so genuinely done for – there is nothing he wouldn’t do for you, all you have to do is look at him with these eyes and he’d do anything you’d ask him to. 
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, unable to hold himself back with words a friend shouldn’t say with such emotions. 
He misses the way your eyes widen and fill with surprise as he pushes his hands under your back so he can unclasp your lilac colored bra, he throws the lace down on the floor where your dress is lying. 
He kisses your chest and wraps his plush lips around your nipple, his hands slip down your stomach and he hooks his finger around your panties, removing them slowly. 
You look down at him, your heart unable to find calmness as everything he does, drives you crazy tonight. A gasp tears from your parted lips when he slips his fingers through your wet folds, teasing your entrance before he brings his digits up to your clit. 
“S-Steve,” you moan as you bring your hand down to his hair, digging your fingers through it and gripping it tightly. 
He meets your eyes and you watch how he kisses down your body, softly, gently, slowly and not tearing his eyes away from your face, he keeps looking, staring at you as his lips trail kisses down your chest, your stomach, your hip bones. 
Is that what friends do? 
Steve spreads your thighs and he lies down before you, he moves his palm from your knee to your hip, throwing one leg over his shoulder before he leans in closer to kiss your inner thighs, truly leaving no spot unkissed. 
You swallow harshly, unable to figure out what to do with yourself when he handles you so carefully, so… lovingly, almost as though he could feel something other than lust for you. 
You blink and stare in anticipation, breathy whines keep falling from your lips, the fluttering in your stomach growing stronger and stronger.
You lean on your elbows, not wanting to look away from him just yet. His hair is messy from your tugging, his cheeks are pink, his eyes dark and filled with something you cannot read. 
He looks so pretty between your thighs. 
Steve leans into you, licking his lips before he presses the tip of his tongue to your entrance, slipping it through your folds and bringing it up to your clit where he wraps his lips around it and starts sucking teasingly. 
Your breath hitches in your throat, your brows furrowing even more than before as you grip his hair tightly. 
He gives no time to react before he holds on tighter and begins to eat you out, hungrily yet softly. His movements are slow and sensual, his moans vibrate against you. 
His name falls from your lips over and over again as your head sinks deeper into his pillows, everything about this brings you a pleasure you haven’t felt before, it’s so much more intense than usual. 
“You always taste so good, baby,” he murmurs against you, nudging his nose against your clit as he slips his tongue into you, catching you off guard with his words and the sudden action. 
His free hand slipping back up to your chest, he pinches your nipple and rolls it with his thumb before he grabs your breast. 
“Don’t stop,” you breathe as you throw your hand over his, feeling out of control with your emotions when you slip your fingers through his and keep his hand there – right over your beating heart. 
Steve moans approvingly, squeezing your hand as he deepens all his movements, adding his fingers as he continues on pleasuring you with his mouth – a kind of pleasure you both get lost in. Moans and whimpers echo through the room, you pant and breathe heavily as waves crash over your body and you get closer and closer to the edge he never fails to bring you to. 
Watery eyes meet his soft ones, your fingers now molding together, your hips rising up to grind against his face as he unravels you. You see the way he is moving, the way his own hips grind against the mattress to find some sort of relief, his moans are just as desperate as yours.
His chin glistens with your slickness and he keeps moaning as though you’re the sweetest thing he ever tasted – and you are, you are the sweetest thing he ever tasted on his tongue, touching and feeling you this way burns everything in him and he can’t help but want more of it. 
“You’re so close, I can feel it,” he murmurs against you, pressing kisses to your sensitive nub as his fingers curl deeply inside of you, the tips grazing that very spot that makes you whine his name so cutely. 
You dig your nails into his skin as you still hold onto his hand, your other is still lost in his hair, gripping and tugging at it as the fire burns in your core, everything flutters inside of you. You blink through your tears and keep your eyes on him, watching the way he licks and sucks on your clit, the way he looks so content doing this. 
You try to speak though your words get lost when he speeds up his movements, making you shut your eyes in pleasure as your jaw falls slack. 
His long fingers slamming in and out of you, joined by his tongue again, he shakes his head from side to side, his nose nudging against your clit over and over again. 
“Open your eyes,” he murmurs against you, his voice adding vibrations, “look at me, I want to see your eyes.” 
You oblige, despite the tears that pool in your eyes, you do your best to grant him his wish. 
“Just like that, good girl,” he hums and hits that spot inside of you, causing your whole body to tense up and your cries to fill the room. He doesn’t stop there, not even when your body falls limp and your heavy breathing along with the sensitive whimpers sounds through the room now. 
Steve licks you through your high, moaning in delight and kissing your clit just to tease you, making you jerk and whimper. 
“Please,” you whisper, looking at him with your teary, pleading eyes. 
He pulls away but only to take his clothes off, finally, you were so lost in the pleasure you didn’t even notice just how much clothing was still on his body. 
He tears his tank top off and throws it down on the floor, unbuckling his belt next and practically tearing down his jeans and boxers, letting his aching dick slap against his stomach, his tip red and leaking, his length twitching as it did the whole time he was eating you out, he nearly busted before, the sensation of it all tonight, being too overwhelming and it’s hard to keep himself together when he looks down at your pretty face and your bare body, your pussy glistening and so ready for him. 
He could stare at you for hours but he feels so desperate to feel you, to be inside of you, he presses his palms against your knees and spreads them further apart, he settles in between them and leans down before you, looking deeply into your eyes after pressing a soft kiss to your lips. 
He isn’t blind or unaware of the way your breathing stutters in your throat, the way you gulp and stare in confusion as you stare into his eyes. 
And then, you raise yourself up a little, propping yourself up on your elbow as you slip your hand down his stomach, making him breathe in harshly as his heart skips a beat. In lust, he watches the way you slip your own fingers through your slick folds, gathering your wetness before you bring your hand up to his cock, wrapping your hand around it, you start stroking him slowly, making him whimper at the feeling. He grips the sheets beneath you and watches the way your much smaller hand moves around him, the way you tease his slit with your thumb, making him shudder over you. 
“F-Fuck,” he whispers, trying not to close his eyes but this drives him crazy, the intimacy of it all making it all feel so much better, “just like that, baby.” 
A tiny noise, something close to a whimper falls from your lips thanks to the nickname he started giving you on occasions. 
“That feels so good,” he moans as he continues to watch, finding it hard to control himself, “are you ready for me?” He asks as his eyes move up your body before they meet yours again. 
You nod quickly and buck your hips up, teasing both him and yourself when you slide the crown of his dick through your sensitive folds before you guide him into your entrance. He instantly reaches for your hip, digging his fingers into your skin as he feels your warmth sucking him in, your wet walls gripping at him despite not being fully inside yet. He watches your face, the way it scrunches up in pleasure, the way your jaw falls slack and your eyes stay glued on him as you watch the way his cock disappears inside of you. He listens to your moans and feels the way you hold onto his shoulders tightly the moment he takes control. 
“Steve!” 
His heart could beat through his bones and rip through his skin at this moment and he wouldn’t care. 
He needs more, he needs you closer, he pushes in deeper and deeper, splitting you open and making you both whimper. He stills once he’s fully inside, letting out a shaky breath when he feels you pulsating around him. 
You breathe heavily, he can feel it, your chest is flush against his, he’s got you close, just like he wanted you. 
“S-Steve,” you repeat his name in a whisper, feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, by all those feelings, by this and yet you want more, you crave more, you crave him. You muster up all your strength and wrap your legs around his waist. 
“I know, baby,” he whispers, surprising you for yet another time this night when he moves both his hands up your body, one slipping from your shoulder to your wrist and then to your hand, lying his palm flat against yours, he cups your cheek with his other hand, sliding it across your jawline as he tilts your head up so he can see your eyes, so he can gaze into them. 
You feel as though your frown might stay permanent on your face after tonight, but everything he does confuses you, even more so when slips his fingers through the gaps in yours and intertwines them together, holding your hand tighter than ever before as he leans his forehead against yours. 
His breath mingles with yours, his nose nudges against yours and your lips touch but he doesn’t kiss you yet, he squeezes your hand as he pulls out and pushes back in, stealing your breath away. 
Everything about this feels so deep, so intimate, you feel vulnerable tonight with the way he handles you so differently. 
Tears of pleasure and love prickle in your eyes and you suddenly find it hard to keep your emotions down, especially when he closes his eyes and he kisses you as though it’s the only thing he is meant to do. His palm rests against your jawline as his fingers get lost in your hair. Your moans match his own as he starts rolling his hips, slowly and deeply. 
Your hands cling to each other, your chests are pressed together, he slides in and out of you, his tip hitting and rubbing against the spot that tears out sounds from you that you never made with anyone else before. 
As deep and hungry as the kiss is, you want to feel him closer, so after swallowing down the confusion and leaving the questions for another time, you bring him closer by sliding your free hand down his back, stroking his skin and grazing it with your nails, you grab his ass and dig your fingers into his skin, causing him to moan even louder as he thrusts deeper. 
You feel the shudders that grip at your body, the hot waves and the fire that burns within you, your heart that threatens to burst at the way it fills with even more love for the man panting above you, moaning just for you, because of you. 
Even when he breaks the kiss, he doesn’t move away from your lips, keeping his against yours as he opens his eyes again to look at you while his hips move faster and he fucks into you deeper. 
Steve strokes the top of your hand with his thumb, his other hand still resting on your jaw, his dark eyes gazing into your own, he looks at you so differently and it makes you want to cry, you are too overwhelmed, too sensitive, too vulnerable to feel such hopeful feelings when you know damn well that you could lose this and him any moment but how can you not hope when he looks at you as though you’re something worth loving, when he whispers your name as though it comes from his heart, when he pecks your lips and nuzzles his nose to yours. 
No words are spoken, your touches and the eye contact are enough tonight, everything he could speak with his words are written in his eyes. 
But everything that lies on the tip of your tongue, threatens to spill the closer you get and the longer he looks at you this way. 
I love you. I love you. I love you, you scream in your mind, not knowing that these words match the ones in his mind. 
Tears slip down your cheeks, tears that Steve kisses away with his lips as he holds you tighter and pulls you closer as his hips meet yours and he thrusts in deeper, his hand only letting go of your jaw so he can slip it down your stomach and touch you between your thighs, he catches your moan in a feverish kiss as his fingers rub at your sensitive nub. 
Your tongues clash together and your lips move sensually and roughly as he moves faster, making himself whimper in need. 
This isn’t the first time that Steve discovers something with you, but this makes him live through something entirely new, he had never felt anything like this before, he had never felt his heart race so fastly in his chest, he had never felt this kind of heat, this kind of fire burning in his whole body, nearly overwhelming him and making him cry too. 
His newfound feelings make this experience even more pleasurable, to hear your moans and to feel you clinging to his shaking body, to know that he is the one who is getting to touch you and feel you like this makes him feel… special. 
He wants you, he wants you in every way possible. 
He can feel his heart yearning for you, yearning for more with you, he can hear it screaming your name. 
Steve loves you, god, he loves you so much that his feelings nearly crush him. 
He wants you to know, he needs you to know but his fears hold him back and he swallows them down, begrudgingly so. 
If only he knew that you would cry tears of joy if he told you those three little words. 
If only you knew that this isn’t just sex, that this is something else, that he is making love to you. 
When you both reach your peak and you come undone, gasping and crying out in pleasure, you keep kissing, you don’t stop, despite the lack of air in your lungs, you keep kissing, you keep moving, you want more and more, you don’t want this moment to end. 
You can feel the shift of emotions, his touches feel so different than they did before, his hands and lips linger a little longer, his eyes look at you in a way that has your own skipping and fluttering. 
He keeps his fingers entwined with yours, even when he is no longer inside of you and chasing after his high, even when the moment is long over, he keeps holding your hand, he pulls you on top of him now, covering your lower half with the thin covers. 
And now it’s you who cups his cheek to kiss him, sliding your fingers down his jawline and moving your lips against his, nuzzling your nose against his just the way he did before. 
Steve runs his finger up and down your spine, playing with your hair and stroking your soft skin, smiling into the kiss as he gets lost in the feeling of love, a kind of love he never felt before. 
Sweat shines on Steve’s forehead, his hair clinging to his skin, his cheeks more flushed than before, he is humming into the kiss, feeling every happy emotion flushing through him as you make noises that leave his stomach with butterflies. 
You break the kiss with a soft giggle as you watch him chasing after your lips. 
He puckers his lips, begging for another kiss and how could you say no to him? 
You lean in again, not bothering to tuck your hair away when it falls in front of your face. You kiss his lips, only shortly, but enough to satisfy him. 
“Hmm, I might have to do this more often,” he murmurs and cups the back of your head when you lay your head on his chest. 
“Do what?” You ask as you loosen your grip on his hand and lay your palm flat against his, taking in the sight of how much larger his is. 
“Cook for you, you got all soft on me, Blondie,” he whispers and plays with your fingers, lacing them together with yours, making your heart flutter yet again. 
Your lips part and you raise your brows as you look at him, “oh, I got soft on you?” 
He is teasing you, you can see it, the way his lips tug into a smirk and his eyes flash with amusement. 
“Mhmm,” he nods, “got all sweet and adorable on me tonight, I can’t even remember what it’s like to deal with your mean side – not that I don’t like your mean side, I clearly do, turns me on, if I’m being honest.” 
A surprised giggle falls from your lips. 
It makes his heart flutter now, his eyes crinkle as a bigger smile appears on his face. 
“You’re kind of a dork, you know?” You whisper and rest your chin on his chest, gazing up at him, starry eyed. “I almost don’t remember your sassy side.” 
“Sassy?” He raises his eyebrows at you. 
“Mhmm, you’re sassy, Lego head.” 
He chuckles softly, “Lego head, you haven’t used that in a while.”
You giggle again and reach your left hand up to touch his hair, brushing away the curls that are stuck to his forehead. 
“I bet you miss the nickname.”
You don’t see the way he looks at you, you never really do but the awestruck look in his eyes is so hard to miss. 
“No, I kinda came to enjoy you calling me Stevie.”  
You tilt your head to the side, looking back into his loving eyes, “oh?”
“Hmm,” you hum, smiling as you move closer to him, “Stevie… cute.” 
You look at each other with smiles on your lips.
“Can I ask you something?” He whispers as he rests his palm along your jaw, tucking your hair behind your ear as his hazel eyes trace your features. 
“Of course,” you whisper back. 
He blinks, taking a moment to speak up again, his cheeks still glowing pink underneath the golden light from the small lamp on his desk. 
“What’d you think of me when we first met?” He murmurs, blushing. “When we were teens… I mean…” 
His thumb grazes your bottom lip, he touches you so softly, so gently as he looks at you with patience. 
Your heart jumps in your chest, panic spreading around it as you repeat the question in your mind. 
Oh Steve, if only you knew, you think to yourself as you stare at him, taking him in and how he looks at you. 
No one’s ever looked at you this way. 
No one’s ever touched you this way. 
No one’s ever made you feel emotions that probably kept you alive during your darkest days. 
He deserves honesty, doesn’t he? 
But he is scared of it, you can see it in his eyes, you know how ashamed he is of how he acted as a teenager, and you know how bad he feels when others remind him of his past, teasing and laughing in his face about King Steve. 
If only he knew how much you have worshiped the ground he walked on from the moment you laid your eyes on him, how you never once thought badly of him, not even when he hurt you with cruel words. 
‘I have loved you from the moment your hand touched mine when you brushed past me in the hallway for the very first time.’ Is what you should say but you can’t, despite the aching feeling in your chest, you cannot utter these words, no matter the shift between you both tonight and the hope he filled you with. 
But he waits, he waits for you to answer his question and who are you to leave him waiting? 
“Insufferable. And a douche.” At those words, Steve’s eyebrows fall in sadness, prompting you to smile sweetly at him. “But I knew you never meant it. I knew it wasn’t truly you…”
“Oh? And how would you know that?” He asks, his thumb going in circles in the small of your back as your eyes twinkle with love, with admiration, with devotion.
“Because I saw you.”
tagging friends and mutuals
@prettyboyeddiemunson @taintedcigs @mysticmunson @corrodedcorpses @maroon-cardigan @thecreelhouse @ibellcipem @joekeerysmoles @munsonlore @sherrylyn0628 @munson-mjstan @agirlwholovesrockstars @moon-flowerrs
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xxbimbobunnyxx · 2 days
Note
Congratulations on 1.6k WIFEY 🩷🎀💋
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🐇 Eddie spaghetti, reader says “I never meant to fall in love with you… I just did.” Ball worship… you know😉😏 😌
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Eeee tysm baby girl!! I love you!! IM KISSING U RN!!🖤😚 This low key got away from me and isn’t a blurb but I was possessed by his balls.😩
This is for my 1.6k celebration✨
Warnings: Ball worship, pet names, past enemies to lovers, slight hair pulling, established relationship, fluff. 18+MDNI!1.3k
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You’re laying in Eddie’s lap on the couch as random horror reruns flash across the tv screen. He’s very invested in the plot of sleepaway camp, giving you random eddie esc commentary here and there. But you can hardly focus on what he’s saying with the way his large ringed fingers scratch your scalp and run down your arm, the calloused tips finding their way under your shirt to stroke the stoke the skin on your hip. Especially since your cheek rested against his mostly soft cock (he could get hard at a moments notice with you around) and all he’s wearing is those flimsy little plaid pajama pants so you can smell his musk.
All you can think about is pulling his pants down so you can lean over and shove your face directly in his balls. His balls. That feel so fucking perfect when you wrap your lips around them and swirl your tongue. His balls that are just so sensitive and the minute you give them any attention he’s a whiney whimpering mess for you. There was just something about Eddie Munson’s balls that drove you insane. Maybe it was the way they hung perfectly nestled behind his thick cock. Or that cute little peach fuzz that they were covered in. It definitely has something to do with the way they tighten up when he cums, practically emptying before your eyes. Ultimately it probably boils down to just how much you love the man they were attached to, and how badly you want to worship every inch of him.
Which is funny considering all the time you spent hating him growing up. But when you ran into him in the city six years after high school he inevitably charmed his way into your heart. If told your high school self you’d be lying in Eddie Munson’s lap, daydreaming about his balls she would’ve laughed in your face. But alas, here you are, staring down at his crotch with heart eyes.
“I didn’t mean to fall in love with you… I just did…” You sigh dreamily, bringing your hand up to rest at the crook of his thigh as your nuzzle your cheek against his cock.
“Aw baby, I love you so much I -“ his sentence is cut short when your hand travels from his thigh to cup his balls as you continue to rub your face against him. “Wait… are you talking to my cock right now?”
“Uh-uh, not your cock…” You hum as you start to gently roll his sack in your palm.
“Princess.” He chuckles, cupping your face in his hand to get you to look up at him. It takes everything in you to stop staring at the cloth of his pajamas like you’re suddenly going to gain x-ray vision. “Are you talking to my balls? Did you just profess your love to my nutsack?”
“Mhm.” You hum as you continue to knead his heavy balls through that god forsaken fabric. “They’re just so nice.”
“Yeah?” His gaze softens as he looks down at you. “What’s so great about them, huh?”
“I could tell you… but I think it would be more fun if I just showed you instead.” You flip your body towards him before running your hand across his bare abdomen, making sure to stop to stroke that little thatch of hair under his belly button. You lean forward and place an open mouthed kiss on the tattoo on his chest as your hand travels down into his pants. You take his shaft in your hand, pumping him a few times, you run your thumb along the tip, smearing the precum that gathered there.
“Oh fuuuck, sweetheart.” Eddie groans as he throws his head back. One of his large hands grips onto your hip your while the other finds purchase in his messy mane.
“Mmm wanna make you feel so good, Eddie baby.” You kiss along his chest and down his abdomen as your hand descends lower, cupping his balls again. You massage them in your palm, squeezing them lightly, running the tips of your fingers along the silky sensitive skin. You push yourself up slightly so you can latch your lips onto his, capturing them in a desperate kiss. He moans against your mouth and runs his tongue along your bottom lip, you separate your lips enough for him to slip in and intertwine your tongues.
You continue to make out as you rub him with your hand until you can’t take it anymore, you need to get your mouth on him. You push yourself off the couch onto your knees and grab onto the waistband of those god damn pants, pulling them down and off his ankles. Your eyes hone in on his hard cock and drink in his sack before traveling all over naked his form.
“So pretty, you’re so pretty Eddie.” You run your hands along his muscular thighs, the feeling of the course hairs there sending chills through your body. You kiss up each one of his legs, leaving little nips and flicks of your tongue along the way.
“Fuuuuck, baby doll, that feels so nice.” Eddie groans, one of his hands snaking around to gently cup the back of your head as he looks down at slack jawed and wide eyed like you hung the stars. You hold eye contact with him and you spit on your palm as you take his sack in your now lubed up hand. You fondle him for a moment before leaning down to lightly suck one of his balls into your mouth as you swirl your tongue around the velvety skin. You grab grabs onto his cock with one hand and begin to pump him while the other runs up and down his chest, lightly scratching him with your nails.
“Jesus fucking Christ, that’s so fucking good.” Eddie’s moans, the hold on your head tightening slightly as his fingers start to grab onto your hair. You run your tongue along his sack, making sure to give each side equal attention, running your tongue along each and every inch of them.
“Just love your balls so much, love all of you so much. You smell so good. Wanna make you cum.” You’re practically rambling, drunk off the pleasure you’re giving him. You suck his other ball between your lips, giving it the same treatment. Swirling your tongue, varying between gentle and slightly harder sucking motions. Your hand continues to pump his shaft, your thumb coming up to rub along his slit every once in a while.
“Oh god - oh fuck - baby, you’re gonna make me fucking cum.” Eddie’s hips buck slightly as he tugs on your hair, the sexiest moans and whimpers you’ve ever heard leaving his lips.
“Yes, please give it to me.” You practically whine as you pull off of him, looking at him with your mouth and chin covered in drool and he swears he could probably just cum right fucking now. “Wanna feel your balls twitch between my lips when you cum.”
“Holyfuckingshit. Baby, fuck, you’re so hot, oh fuuuuck -“ Eddie throws his head back when you lean down to take his whole sack in your mouth, sucking on him like a god damn succubus. Your strokes on his cock never let up as you continue to practically devour his balls. When your grip on his shaft tightens slightly just as you run your tongue right across the crease of his sack it sends him over the edge.
“Oh shit, I’m fucking cumming, I’m cumming fuck.” Eddie’s thighs tremble as his cock twitches in your hand and you feel his balls tighten against your tongue. You don’t stop until you feel him start to practically go limp under you. You pull off of him, resting your cheek on his thigh as you gaze up at him.
“Shit Teddie, that was so fucking hot, you’re so hot. I wish I did that sooner.” You giggle as you nuzzle into his fuzzy leg.
“Psh! I was hot!? You practically just started a religion in my balls’ name and you’re calling me hot? You’re something else, sweetheart.” He chuckles as he cups your jaw, running his thumb along the apple of your cheek. “You know, ball jokes aside, I never thought I’d fall in love with you… but I’m really fucking glad I did.”
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buckybabesonly · 3 hours
Text
as long as we're together (does it matter where we go?)
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Summary: You don't want to be a burden to Bucky, knowing he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Pairing: Bucky x Female!OC
Genre: Angst
Length: 7.8k
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Two years ago
“I don’t think I want to be with you anymore.”
Bucky had expected it. Weeks of you being distant, making secret phone calls, avoiding his touches like they physically hurt you. Countless times Bucky had asked, what's wrong?, only for you to shut him down and say that everything was fine. Bucky was sick of hearing that empty, meaningless mantra, but it didn’t mean that he reveled in your confession now.
Even though it didn't come as a surprise, it still felt like a punch to the gut. It physically winded him to hear those words leave your lips.
He wondered what he did wrong. He wondered where they went wrong. They were so in love, so wonderfully content in each other's company. You were his person. Steve had once told Bucky that he would find someone unexpectedly, when Bucky made an off-hand comment about how lucky he was to have met Peggy.
“You’ll find your Peggy.”
Things had been perfect. Or maybe Bucky had just been in denial, ignoring all the problems between you because he thought that his feelings for you triumphed over everything, no matter what hardships you may have been suffering from. How could he ever face the reality that you might actually leave in pursuit of something better?
Now, Bucky’s chest was tight with an indescribable feeling, both of you stood in your shared apartment. Your belongings stuffed into a black suitcase, Bucky’s heart in pieces on the hardwood floor.
He had expected it, but it didn't stop him from wanting to die.
"Why?" It was all he could ask. He wanted to know the reason, wanted to understand. Wanted to know if he could fix it. He was desperate to make you stay.
Bucky stared at your face. You looked so...indifferent. Unattached, in contrast to the woman he had met all those years ago. Where had the softness in your eyes gone? Why couldn’t you meet his pleading gaze, even now? At what point did your feelings for him start to fade, and was there anything he could have done to salvage it?
Your face was a blank slate, emotionless, and it made Bucky feel a truly troubling combination of sadness and anger. It was as if you had already said your goodbyes to their relationship, completely ready to move on whilst Bucky was still trying to process your words. You were ready to leave him behind to mourn.
“I don’t think we’re right for each other,” you had said quietly. “I don’t think we can give each other what we need.”
"Bullshit," Bucky said, his voice cracking. You grimaced ever so slightly at his tone, still unable to meet his eyes. "How can you say that?"
He took a step forward; you matched it with a retreating step, but with wide strides he seized your wrists. He silently willed you to say something which could somehow lessen the excruciating pain.
“Will you just look at me?”
He wanted so badly for you to meet his stare, to find some source of comfort within your eyes which usually held so much love for him.
Finally, you relented and lifted your head. They did not fill Bucky with any hope. You pressed your lips together firmly as he searched your face desperately for any sign of residual affection.
"We - we're in love. How can you say after all these years that we're not right for each other? For fuck's sake, will you just tell me what happened?"
"People change, Bucky," you said softly. The look on your face - was it sadness, or apathy? "We've become too distant."
"And whose fault is that?" Bucky released you then. He was so angry, wanting to elicit some sort of reaction from you, that he wanted to punch the wall beside them. It made him feel nauseous at how stoic you were now, like a piece of unyielding rock. He knew you hated it when he took his anger out physically. You had been the one to teach him how to manage his rage more constructively, to talk things out and use his words rather than his fists.
"Are you trying to say it's mine?" Your tone was sharp, finally demonstrating some emotion. "Are you saying that all those nights waiting for you to come back home, all those evenings alone whilst you stayed at the Tower, all those hours I spent staring at the four walls of this apartment were my fault?"
"You left me!" Bucky retorted, gritting his teeth. "You left me long before today! You think I haven't noticed? You can barely stand touching me. You're always on your phone, always texting, always out seeing your 'friends'," he said, making air quotes. "I asked Wanda, she said you haven't been meeting her or your other friends for weeks. Who's this 'friend’? Who the fuck is it that's so important that you can't spare any time for me, never mind your actual friends?"
A long, pregnant pause filled the air, an indecipherable mask on your face once more. Bucky’s eyes were wet, and if he hadn't been so angry, he would've seen the way your lower lip was trembling ever so slightly, the way it did whenever you were trying not to cry. It had been the biggest telltale sign for him over the years to know when you were upset and trying your best to hide it.
He was usually so good at reading you, but he was blinded with sadness.
"Fine," you said eventually, slicing the silence with a shaky exhale. "I'm seeing someone else."
You might as well have struck Bucky across the face.
Suspecting it and hearing the words fall from your lips were two different things. He physically reeled back in anguish as he stared at you. He took in the sight of his girlfriend in front of him, swallowing the lump that was forming in his throat. This was, without a doubt, the woman he had met five years ago. The woman he spent five years loving. The woman whom he recognized no longer.
"Why?" Bucky whispered, all the fight leaving his body. He physically seemed to sag, forehead creasing at all the other questions running through his mind, visions of you being touched and fucked by some faceless, nameless man.
You were almost pitiful in the way you looked at Bucky, and he hated it.
"I care for you, Bucky. But I’m not in love with you anymore. And I'm sorry I had to do this to you. Things just got out of control."
I’m not in love with you anymore.
You offered no further information, but he had stopped listening, anyway. The finality in your voice pierced him slowly, tortuously, through the heart. He barely moved when you took your suitcase and pulled it out behind you, out of their apartment. Out of his life.
The door slammed shut.
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Present day
You are cordially invited to attend the wedding of Mercedes Knight & Samuel Wilson
Sam had become Bucky’s closest confidant in the past few years, and the latter had been a close witness as Sam met Mercedes ‘Misty’ Knight, a former NYPD officer who had somehow become roped into their crazy world. It was no surprise to Bucky when they announced their engagement just six months into dating.
Bucky found himself being pulled into their wedding planning discussions far too often. He tried to keep an amused smile at bay whilst listening into Misty and Sam’s wedding talk at the Tower. They were using one of the many conference rooms - a Knight-Wilson union was official business, Misty insisted.
"Are you bringing a date?" Misty asked suddenly in the middle of everything, the question directed at Bucky.
"Of course he's bringing a date," Sam smirked. "Heard things with Sharon are going well, right?"
Bucky smiled non-committedly, shrugging. "She's great." It didn’t go unnoticed by Sam that this didn’t quite answer his question.
"You two look good together," Misty offered. She glanced at her watch and widened her eyes theatrically, grabbing Sam’s hand. "Oh crap, we need to go meet with the wedding planner."
"But it feels like we just sat down," Sam complained.
"There's no rest for the bride and groom, Sam," Misty said, pulling her fiancé out of his seat as she waved goodbye at Bucky.
As soon as they departed, the smile on Bucky’s face dimmed. He was beyond happy for his two friends, he really was - but every couple he knew was a fresh reminder of his own failed love life.
Ever since you, he hadn't been in a long term relationship. Sharon is different, he told himself, and she was. They had been friends for a long time, and of course spent a lot of time together carrying out missions and the like. Over time, somehow, they had gotten closer, and one day Sharon had just asked him, “So when are you going to ask me out, Barnes?”
At that point, Bucky was still frequently thinking about you. Sharon had never met you before, but Bucky wouldn’t be surprised if she had heard stories about you from the others, since he had been notoriously affected by the breakup. Even though he was dealing with the aftershocks of the broken relationship, he was forcing himself to get past it.
They had been dating for two months now, and it only seemed right for Sharon to be his date at the wedding.
He had moved on. He was no longer the depressed, dark wreck he was when you left.
Sometimes it’s better to lie to yourself than to face the reality.
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“You invited Bucky’s ex to the wedding?” Misty asked curiously.
“Uh, yeah. She’s not just his ex,” Sam explained gently. “She’s my friend too, and I haven’t seen her since she left town.”
"You told Bucky?"
"Nope," Sam snorted, shaking his head. "I can't. I don't think he'd turn up if I did. I want them both there on the day - I'm sure they can be civil for one night."
“I wonder how Bucky will react," his future wife pondered.
Sam shrugged. Not well, probably.
"What else can I do? I can’t not invite her, I really want her to be there. You never met her, so you don’t know, but she’s been through some shit.”
“I know, I know, you told me,” Misty said. “I just don’t want anyone to get hurt. Do you think she'll be okay seeing Bucky again? Especially if he'll be there with Sharon?"
"She said she can handle it. She would be happy to see that Bucky was happy. She was the one who practically begged me to encourage him to move on."
“Do you think he has?”
Sam paused, considering the question carefully.
“He has to.”
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Several weeks later, Misty Knight and Sam Wilson were officially wed at the local registration office. The day was full of hugs, cacophonous laughter, friends and family, and Bucky watched with a wide beam on his face as he witnessed his friends glow. Those kinds of smiles were few and far between nowadays, but he was truly happy for once.
"They look so good together," Sharon murmured as hundreds of guests filled the hotel ballroom, the party commencing in full swing. The newlyweds were in the center of the room, Misty being twirled around wildly by a laughing Sam before his wife collapsed against his chest in fits of giggles, looking up into his eyes adoringly.
More and more people joined them on the dance floor after the conclusion of their official first dance.
"Barnes, would you like to dance?" Sharon asked suddenly with a smile, extending a hand.
Bucky chuckled, allowing her to take his hand and lead him out to the dance floor.
An hour passed, and Bucky had to truthfully say that he was enjoying himself, assisted by all the alcohol he had consumed. Sharon was draped all over him as they swayed to the music, and Bucky found himself appreciating the feel of her body against his all too much, the scent of her intoxicating. His hands felt the fabric of her silky, emerald green dress, buried his nose into Sharon's blonde hair, sighing softly as he tightened his grip on her waist.
Her perfume was strong and woodsy, like a forest. It irritated his nose ever so slightly. You had preferred a more subtle, floral perfume, one that smelt like sakura blossoms.
Sharon was more confident and seductive in the way she danced, whilst you used to always let yourself become putty in his arms, enjoying how he took the lead and managed to make you look like you knew how to dance despite your two left feet.
However, despite the differences, if Bucky closed his eyes and just tried a little harder, he think he could pretend that -
"Sorry to interrupt.”
Bucky pulled away from Sharon suddenly, and he turned to mock glare at Sam. "What do you want, Wilson?"
"Need to borrow you for a minute," Sam said, an undecipherable expression on his face. Bucky tried to see where Misty had disappeared off to, but saw no trace.
"Um, sure..." Bucky tried to read Sam’s face but gleaned nothing.
"I'll just go say hi to Natasha," Sharon said, giving Bucky’s forearm a squeeze before she disappeared.
Sam’s smile faded, and he caught Bucky’s arm in a vice grip. "I need to tell you something. Don't get mad, okay?"
"What?" Bucky scowled as Sam dragged him to the side of the room, weaving through the crowds of guests. "What good news starts with, ‘don’t get mad’? Are you gonna tell me you want to run out on Misty or something?" He joked.
Sam pulled him out through one of the open French doors which led to a pretty, outdoor stone balcony. He shut them behind him as Bucky continued to babble, a little tipsy from the champagne he'd had. "I gotta tell ya, if she asks me to kick your ass I will literally do so -”
"Bucky," Sam said, taking a deep breath. "She’s here." Meeting Bucky’s nonplussed eyes, your name rolled off Sam’s tongue in clarification.
He felt like the breath was sucked from his lungs as he stared back at Sam, who looked uncharacteristically anxious.
“What?" He asked hoarsely, instantly sobering up. “What do you mean?”
Chills were running through his body. The name he had avoided for years was suddenly causing him to feel breathless. How did you still have such an affect on him?
"She couldn't make it to the ceremony earlier today, but she just arrived."
"You - you invited her here? She’s here, now?"
"Yes," Sam replied, nodding. "I invited her.” He straightened up and crossed his arms over his chest almost defiantly.
Bucky was speechless for a moment, taking a step back and scoffing. He shook his head. “Do you remember what she did to me?”
“I'm sorry, Buck..."
Bucky suddenly laughed, startling Sam. His laugh was curt, humorless. "What are you sorry for? I'm over her, Sam. It was two years ago. I haven't seen her in two years. I don't care anymore," he said quickly. Too quickly.
"Listen -"
"Look, it's okay." Bucky raised his hands in small surrender. “You have the right to invite whoever you want. I’m not mad. But I just don’t want to be held accountable for whatever happens now.”
He turned and wrenched the French doors open with such force that the handle buckled slightly. The noise inside the ballroom spilled out to replace the painful silence on the balcony.
He disappeared inside before Sam could say anything else, and he tried to hide it, but Sam could clearly see that his hands were shaking as he marched inside.
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For the next twenty minutes, Bucky found sanctuary in the restrooms. He stood inside the stall, trying to stop himself from mentally collapsing.
He didn’t know what was happening. He had never felt this overwhelming panic rush over him before, immobilizing him. Anger, sadness and yearning swirling inside a melting pot of emotions that was crippling him.
She was here. The woman he hadn't seen in two years, the woman who broke his heart, the woman who betrayed him, the woman who left him in tatters.
Your infidelity had had an unforeseen impact on him. When he first found out, he was devastated. Terrified of how you became someone he didn’t recognize - or had you always been someone capable of betraying him, just good at hiding it?
You had poisoned all the happy memories they had once shared. Bucky found himself recounting all the years you were together, micro-analyzing everything, wondering if there was a hidden lie behind it all.
That was one of the things which made him angriest. You turned all the beautiful years of your relationship into a lie. None of it was real, Bucky had told himself.
You crushed him.
Of his feelings, anger prevailed, slowly simmering to the surface, like a volcano about to erupt. How dare you walk back into his life like this? He would show you, Bucky thought with determination. He was over you. He had no reason to be angry, he thought bitterly, because you were nothing to him.
Just like Bucky was nothing to you.
When he emerged from the toilets, the first thing he did was find Sharon. She looked relieved to see him, although confusion was clear on her face as she eyed Bucky.
"Where have you been? Are you feeling okay?" She commented, brow furrowed with concern.
"I'm fine," Bucky assured her. "Have you seen Sam?"
Sharon pointed, puzzlement still painted across her face, and Bucky snapped round quickly.
And there you were.
It was as if you had never left. As if the past two years filled with Bucky trying to eradicate every memory and feeling he had for you had never happened, because as soon as Bucky’s eyes found you through the crowd, everything came collapsing back down on top of him like an avalanche. Suffocating.
You were still so beautiful, strikingly so. Like a burning beacon among the crowd, Bucky’s eyes found your face as easily as anything. For a second, he allowed himself to ignore anything except you, and how the sight of you still managed to take his breath away.
You looked thinner than he remembered, your face gaunt. Bucky frowned slightly at this acute observation and found himself wondering if you had been taking care of yourself.
"Barnes? You okay?"
Bucky registered Sharon shaking his arm, but his eyes remained fastened on yourself and Sam. Neither of you had spotted Bucky yet, who was rooted to the spot like a statue. Sam’s mouth was moving, words that Bucky couldn't hear escaping his mouth, but his expression was angry. Almost as if he was scolding you for something.
"I have to...I..." Bucky stumbled over his words, voice faint. He could feel those tendrils of anger slowly seizing him again, wisps at first, until they grew more and more potent by the second. He remembered every single thing he felt when you left him, and instead of trying to hold back the emotions, Bucky just saw red.
"Let me introduce you to someone," he said suddenly, his voice strained as he took Sharon's hand.
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"You said you were better," Sam said, expression torn.
"I am," you lied, trying to put on a smile. Truth was, you were exhausted, just like how you always felt. The ballroom was so crowded and loud, and you just wanted to go back to the hotel and sleep, which you would the moment you finished congratulating Sam and Misty. And perhaps, even though you didn't want to admit it, you wanted to catch a glimpse of Bucky, too.
"Look at you, you're -"
“Sam, please don’t,” you interrupted gently. “Just drop it, please? It’s your big day, I don’t want you to worry about anything else.”
Sam opened his mouth to talk, but stopped suddenly, his eyes flitting to look behind you.
"Hey."
You froze. You knew that voice, of course. Heard it enough times, the deep, gravelly voice that had once whispered sweet pet names, proclamations of love, and plagued your dreams ever since you left him.
You had longed to hear his voice again, hear your name being spoken lovingly. His voice was your favorite sound in the world. Except tonight, hearing it for the first time in two years, you heard nothing but ice.
"Bucky?" You turned slowly, and your breath hitched. He was just the way you remembered him. Even more handsome, if possible. Clad in a sleek black tux, tall and dark and sexy, everything you had missed and dreamed of, and...
He was holding another woman’s hand.
"Bucky," Sam repeated, voice tense. Bucky could hear the underlying warning.
"It's been a while," he said stiffly, acting as neutral as he could. As if he hadn't spent months after their terrible break up being a shell of who he used to be, barely repaired even now. Bucky felt like any other venomous words from your mouth would shatter him again, but he had to take the chance. He had to talk to you, show you that he had moved on. He didn't care about you anymore, or how you so ruthlessly left him.
"Yes," you said weakly, smiling softly. God, he still thought that you looked beautiful, clad in a periwinkle blue dress, a thick coat draped around your shoulders. You were shivering, and Bucky resisted the urge to ask you what was wrong. Now that he was closer, he could see that didn’t look well at all. You had dark circles under your eyes and your collarbones were too prominent, your gaze devoid of any livelihood.
You glanced at Bucky’s fingers interlaced with a gorgeous blonde. You had seen her on the news before, you were pretty certain. Your smile forcibly stretched wider, blinking a few times, not knowing what to do with yourself.
"This is Sharon," Sam said, clearing his throat and exchanging introductions.
“It’s very nice to meet you,” Sharon said politely. She was gorgeous, you thought, watching as she sent Bucky a subtle, questioning glance.
Bucky was still staring at you, unmoving. You took the initiative first.
“Bucky, can we talk for a second?"
You could see the way he was trying to control himself by the way his lips stiffened, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. He gave a curt nod. He didn’t want to cause a scene in front of Sharon and the other hundreds of wedding guests.
“Let’s leave these two to catch up,” Sam said lightly, trying to hide his discomfort as he led Sharon away.
"So now you want to talk?" Bucky asked as soon as they were out of earshot, his voice sharp. You cringed, almost folding into yourself at Bucky’s hard stare.
"Yes," was all you managed to whisper, eyes darting to the ground to avoid meeting his glare. “Let’s go somewhere quieter.”
You turned and walked towards the exit of the ballroom, turning back to look at Bucky. He followed after a second, his jaw set like stone as you led the way to the empty lobby outside, away from the noise.
"It's been a while, Buck.” You voice was sad as you turned to face him again.
"Yes," he said, fighting an internal battle. He was so torn. Seeing you again made him want to wrap you up in his arms like he would've done two years ago, when you were still together. And feeling like that made Bucky angry. What right did you have to make him feel this way? Who gave you the right to mess with Bucky’s heart again after so long?
"How have you been?" You asked eventually after a painfully awkward silence.
He scoffed at that. "How have I been?" He repeated incredulously. He doubted you really wanted to hear about all those nights he spent in his apartment, refusing to talk to his friends, being a complete social introvert (more than he usually was) because he felt like he just couldn't live anymore. Not without you.
"Great. Fantastic," he said without a shred of sincerity.
You stared at him for the longest time, your lips pressed into a thin line. You looked so regretful that it made Bucky feel uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry," you said eventually, your voice wavering like you were struggling to breathe properly. "I'm so sorry for leaving you like that. We...we could have ended things better. You didn't deserve how I treated you."
You flinched when Bucky scoffed derisively. He dropped any remaining restraints he had previously put in place, letting all his feelings run free.
"Are you kidding me? Why? Why are you coming back here and apologizing after all this time?" He felt like he wanted to tear his hair out in frustration as he stared at you, making sure to keep his distance lest he found himself wanting to pull you closer. God, it was all so confusing. He despised you, and yet seeing you here in the flesh was everything he had ever wanted in the last few years.
He hated how you were making him feel.
"Look, it doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done," he spat through gritted teeth, all the while completely unaware of how your heart clenched painfully at Bucky’s scornful eyes. “Do you have any idea how unfair this is? You fucked up big time, disappeared off the face of the earth, then come back standing in front of me now asking how I am?”
“I know. You’re right, about everything. I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry.”
“No. You have no right to do this,” Bucky seethed. “You have no right to come back here and try to - what, settle your guilt? Make amends?”
You didn’t say anything, choosing to let him vent instead.
“I still remember the way you left. What you did. I will never forgive you for that. So don’t you dare stand in front of me today with all this bullshit and expect me to have something nice to say.”
"You really hate me, don't you?" You asked then, taking Bucky off guard. You lifted your head properly to stare at him, and the look in your eyes was unsettling.
"I hate you," Bucky confirmed unwaveringly, his voice hard. "I hate what you did to me and by extension, you."
You didn't respond. You bit your lower lip hard, trying desperately not to cry in front of him. Your heart hurt so much.
It was the worst feeling in the world, maybe, seeing the man you loved so dearly tell you that he hated you. It was excruciating, the clenching inside your chest as Bucky’s words rang in your head.
"I know my apologies will never be enough. I just wanted to see if you're happy now," you whispered.
"I'm happy," Bucky replied almost immediately. "I'm happy with Sharon. Does that bother you? Did you hope that I'd still be pining after you? I'm not that pathetic anymore." The barriers were broken, and the hurtful words were falling from Bucky’s mouth, two years worth of it.
“I never said you were pathetic,” you retorted, slightly indignant. “I’m glad that you’re happy.”
Bucky was breathing hard, unconvinced by your words.
“And how's the man you left me for?"
"He...it didn't work out," you shrugged, trying to keep your face as straight as possible.
"Good," Bucky said harshly. "Because you don't deserve happiness." If he wasn't so mad, he wouldn't say such irrational things. But he just wanted you to hurt. He wanted you to feel all the pain you caused.
Bucky pretended he didn't hear you gasp. He pretended that he didn't see your eyes gloss over at the sheer amount of hate in his voice.
"Okay," you said finally, your voice clearly shaking. "Okay," you repeated again, nodding your head. Bucky watched you take a step back, away from him.
“I -”
“I'm sorry, Bucky. Please take care," you interrupted, smiling sadly before you turned and walked away as quickly as possible.
That was not how you envisioned the reunion to go. All you wanted was to apologize, know that he was happy, so that you could go in peace.
But maybe that was the consequence of your decision. Maybe he was just always going to hate you for the rest of his life and remember you as someone awful.
You didn’t know that all Bucky wanted to do was run after you. Tell you to stop. He wanted to apologize and tell you how he didn’t mean a word of what he just said.
Rage and pride kept him shackled, and he watched your retreating back, feeling like a coward.
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The last thing Bucky expected when he opened his apartment door a few days later was Sam’s dirty glare.
"You can be a mean son of a bitch, do you know that?”
"Hello to you too,” Bucky retorted.
“Why did you say all that stuff to her?” Sam asked, pushing his way past Bucky.
Bucky closed the door, knowing exactly who he was referring to.
"Why is this any of your business?"
"You acted like a dick!" Sam said furiously.
“Look, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done something like that on your special day. But-”
“I want you to feel sorry to her.”
"She left me,” Bucky exclaimed. "You were there, Sam, you saw how fucked up she made me. She cheated on me! You want me to apologize to her?” His face was incredulous.
“You’re so fucking frustrating.”
“Oh, excuse me for not being the bigger person,” Bucky sneered. “But you don’t know how she made me feel, Sam, so don’t you dare try to give me a fucking lecture now.”
Sam was quiet for the longest time, looking exasperated. He stared up at the ceiling, sighing.
“Bucky, look man. She never cheated on you,” Sam said finally, an apologetic look in his eyes.
The apartment became filled with nothing but the sounds of Bucky’s heavy breathing.
“What are you talking about?” He spat, realizing now that Sam knew something he didn’t.
Sam let out a resigned sigh, rubbing the back of his neck.
"I promised her I wouldn’t tell you. But fuck it, man, cause I think this is messed up. She’s sick, Bucky," he said solemnly. "Like, really sick."
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Two years ago
"It's cancer, Sam."
You physically couldn't cry anymore. You had done enough of that the day the doctor had told you, your eyes puffy and swollen. Funnily enough, the first person you had sought out wasn’t your boyfriend, but rather his best friend.
Bucky wasn’t even in town that weekend, and you really didn’t want to tell him over the phone. In fact, you never wanted to tell him. How do you tell the man you love that you're dying?
"You can get treatment, right?" Sam asked.
"I don't know. It’s not looking good. They're doing some sort of new clinical trial in England, but even that’s a long shot. I - I’m going to try, though.”
Sam sat up straighter. “And Bucky?”
"You can't tell him," you said firmly. You had thought about it all night, and you knew you couldn't let him know. You didn't want to put him through something like this. "My father had cancer too, Sam," you said softly. "He died in so much pain, he had so much treatment but it didn't help. He was throwing up all the time, having fevers, his body was so weak, and by the end he wasn’t the same anymore. I don't want him to see me like that."
“But-”
“No buts,” you said. You had given it enough thought already. You knew that you would have to be very, very lucky to make it through this - the end was essentially inevitable. There was no way you would make Bucky bear witness to you succumbing to this illness the same way you had to watch your father.
It was the worst time of your life. You had told Bucky about it in the past, as he had never had a chance to meet your father since he passed away years before you met Bucky. Knowing what you did, you would never inflict that same experience on him.
"So what are you going to do?"
"I have to leave him.” You had been preparing yourself for what you needed to do all night. "If I go, there's a chance I might not come back, you understand that, right?"
"Don't say things like that," Sam said forcefully, clenching your hand. "Just stop. Bucky will support you all the way, you know that!"
"That’s exactly why I have to go by myself. I can't be selfish, Sam. I want him to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. I can’t make him drop everything to make me his number one priority. Looking after me will take time and constant care. If I go to England, he will abandon everything and come. Manhattan is his home.”
Sam looked anguished and you knew that he was disagreeing with everything you had just said, but you plowed on.
"It’s not just a matter of time and effort. If he stays, he will watch me die, and I don’t want him to do that.” You began to cry, and Sam hugged you, wishing he could say something comforting.
“It’s okay," you said through the tears, even though every fiber in your body was telling you the opposite. You had been repeating these words to yourself all night, as if you would believe it if you said it enough times. "It’ll be okay."
Maybe you were being stupid, but you didn't care. You knew Bucky loved you with his body and soul, as did you. But you weren’t going to let him suffer over your illness. You wouldn't let the person you cared most about in the world see you slowly deteriorate.
You had been witness to how your father was clearly in a depressive state, and yet tried his hardest to pretend to be happy and fine around other people. You didn’t know if you had the strength or bravery to even pretend.
You began distancing yourself. Stopped trying to make conversation with Bucky, until the long, endless, random talks you used to share diminished into curt sentences. You stopped waiting for Bucky to come home, simply pretending that you didn't care. You became more secretive, furtively hiding your calls with your doctor and your mother.
There was no other man. You loved him and only him, and had been nothing but faithful. You didn't know what hurt more: having to lie to Bucky or the fact that he so easily believed you would betray him like that.
In the end, you had really regretted fabricating a story of infidelity. You should have just gone your separate ways without making him think that you had been unfaithful. But at that time, you wanted to find a quick solution that would make Bucky voluntarily detach himself from you. It seemed like a wise decision, but you really, really wish you hadn’t let him believe that you didn’t love him. It was truly the worst feeling in the world.
It was all over in a few weeks. You packed your things and left, trying not to cry with every heavy step you took towards the door of your apartment. You knew you were making the best decision for them both, surely.
Time would heal Bucky, and he would be happy again one day.
It just couldn’t be with you.
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Present day
"She just didn’t want to feel like a burden to you, man," Sam said, shaking his head. "Why did you have to say all those things to her at the wedding?"
Bucky could register nothing else after Sam finished explaining everything. He was in disbelief, though he knew that there was no way Sam would fabricate a story like that.
Now, he could only think of the way he had shouted at you. The way he told you how much he hated you. The way you had left.
"Where is she?" Bucky whispered.
"She’s leaving today," Sam said tersely. "She’s going back to England. She was real sick for a long time, and she recovered a few months ago, but the cancer came back.”
He slipped a hotel business card into Bucky’s hand. “This is the address she’s staying at," Sam said.
He grasped it like a lifeline, eyes unable to see Sam standing in front of him. His vision was completely filled with images of you.
"Go," Sam said forcefully. "Go and find her.”
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The tears wouldn't stop falling.
You didn't know words could hurt so much. Sure, you had expected Bucky to hate you, but you weren’t prepared for the way every single word seemed to embed themselves into your skin like splinters into your heart.
They were once so happy. They were so perfect.
You hated yourself. Hated yourself for getting ill, for ruining what you had. The logic was irrational, but the self-hatred had become second nature.
You had spent the last few days holed up in your hotel. You had planned to use the time to see a few friends before returning to England, but you no longer had the heart.
You left your room that morning only because Wanda was furious that she missed you at the wedding, and you agreed to have coffee with her. She almost cried at the sight of you, but you put on a brave face, refusing to talk about Bucky. You begged her if you could just talk about happy topics and she eventually obliged, smiling sadly when you hugged each other goodbye.
“I’ll see you again, dear,” Wanda had said, and you hoped to God she was right.
As soon as you got inside your hotel room, you felt a switch click internally.
Everything hurt. You were tired, unhappy and you really didn’t know if you would ever make it out of this emotional blackhole. You felt so weak, like you would keel over at any given moment.
Cancer really was a bitch.
You kicked off your shoes and entered the bathroom. You lay down in the bathtub, fully clothed, turning the cold water on until you were almost completely submerged, wanting to numb all the pain inside your body and mind.
You eyes were red and swollen, and you couldn't remember crying so much since that day the doctor diagnosed you. Why was life so unfair? You wanted your old life back again. The life where Bucky didn't detest you, the one where he was happily and wonderfully in love with you.
You lay back, letting the water cover you completely. You closed your eyes, your hair gently swirling around your face. You opened your mouth and screamed, bubbles erupting to the surface.
Eventually you emerged, gasping and coughing, your tears hot in contrast to your frozen face. Your body wracked with sobs, shaking uncontrollably.
You sank back down into the water, your mouth opening once more to scream in uncontrollable rage. It was cathartic, your fists clenched into balls as you willed the feelings inside you to just - disappear.
When you opened your eyes beneath the water, you nearly gasped at the sight of a blurry, warped figure above you. You didn't have time to do anything when arms were suddenly encasing themselves around you, lifting you to the surface.
You spluttered and coughed, your ears assaulted by the voice that once whispered sweet nothings in your ear.
"- the fuck are you doing? Are you okay?"
Bucky.
You blinked past the water in your eyes, bewildered at the sight of him, kneeling beside the bathtub with his hands gripping your shoulders. His bright blue eyes were scared, wide open with concern.
You were startled at his sudden appearance, unable to say anything as he scooped you out, lifting you with ease. You were clearly in shock and scared.
You collapsed against him as he sat down on the bathroom floor with you in his arms.
"What were you doing?” Bucky was appalled as he pulled you close to him, watching how you continued to weep, blinking blearily at him. Your body was ice cold, every inch of you soaked.
He whipped a towel down from the railing beside you, wrapping it around your body as you shivered uncontrollably.
"Bu - Bucky?" You asked, as if you couldn't fathom why he was here. You were almost convinced you were hallucinating.
"Fuck, we need to get you out of these clothes," Bucky said, gritting his teeth as he tried not to cry. He had so much to say to you. He wanted you to know how sorry he was, how he didn't mean anything he said, but now wasn’t the time. He had to be strong for you.
You felt like a baby as Bucky removed your soaking wet garments until you were naked, then immediately swaddled you with more towels. He picked you up completely off the floor and took you out of the bathroom.
He chose to place you down on the edge of the bed, positioning himself to kneel down in front of you.
"Bucky," you whispered, voice thick, trying to pull away from him. “I think you should just leave me alone."
He stiffened. It scared him to hear you talk like this, to see you look at Bucky with such defeat in your eyes.
“No,” he said resolutely. “I'm here now, okay? I'm here, I'm not leaving, and I need you to be with me. I need you here, talking to me.”
"I can't. I can't do this anymore. Just go, please."
Bucky looked at you then. Really looked at you. The woman he loved and misunderstood for so long was now a trembling wreck in front of him, skin paper thin and trembling like a leaf. You looked so vulnerable and sad, and it made his heart twist.
Bucky suddenly held you tight against his chest, tucking his nose against the crook of your neck, and you didn't resist.
"Do you have any idea how much I hate myself? I hate myself for letting you go through this alone. I hate myself for telling you all those lies that night. I love you, I love you, I love you," Bucky said, wishing that you would see it.
“Don’t.”
“I wish you had told me. I would have helped you. You should have told me. I can’t believe you -”
You realized now that Sam must've told him the truth, and you sighed softly.
"I'm not good for you, Bucky," you whispered. "I will only ever hurt you, put you through more pain."
"I know everything now," Bucky said firmly. "No matter what happens, I will gladly endure it as long as it means we're no longer apart."
“Don’t be so stupid,” you said, anger tearing through your voice, though the tears were still falling. “I’m broken, Buck. I can’t give you a future. Please just find someone else - stay with Sharon.”
“Sharon?” If you hadn’t mentioned her name, Bucky would never have even thought about her. “No - we’re not serious, doll. She was never going to be the one.”
“No,” you insisted. “If not her, then fine, find someone else. Just not me.”
“Why aren’t you listening?” Bucky asked furiously. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. Please don’t do this. I need you." He was desperate to make you see, to make you understand. It was you or nothing. "You don’t know how awful the past few years have been. I don’t want to be apart from you, please.” He was prepared to grovel at your feet and beg.
He hated himself for how easily he gave up two years ago. This time, he was not letting you leave him.
His beautiful blue eyes pleaded with you, and you felt your barricades crumble. Your arms finally moved to wrap around him, and he felt a wave of relief as he encircled you in his arms. You had missed this, the feeling of Bucky holding you so tenderly.
You didn’t know if you were making the right choice, but you wanted to give in so badly and just let yourself be selfish and enjoy what time you could have together. And now that Bucky had you back by his side, he was definitely not going to let you go.
Even if they were in pieces, at least they were together. And Bucky was positive that they could put those pieces back into a whole, as long as you gave it a chance.
"You're so stupid," you said through your tears.
"I don't think so," Bucky said, managing the smallest smile. "Just stupidly in love with you."
You wanted to stay like this forever, entangled in each others arms. He pulled back slowly to study your face, and leaned in to press a gentle kiss against your lips. He kissed you again, deeper this time, breathing you in.
“You owe me two years of kisses,” he mumbled.
You laughed softly, but it soon died. First, you had a lot of talking to do. You used the following hour to tell him the details about your illness, why you had left, how sorry you were for treating Bucky the way you did when you broke up with him.
"You're so dumb," Bucky had said, sounding furious for a moment. "You had no right to decide something like that for me. You know I would support you.”
"I know, Buck," you had interrupted. "That's exactly why I had to leave. I didn't want you to see me die, okay?"
You had looked like you were about to cry again, so Bucky stopped scolding you immediately. He would never make you cry again, he swore.
"You're here now," he said, kissing your temple. "We're together now. Everything feels...right again."
You swallowed, biting your lip. "I told you, my cancer is back and -"
"You'll get better again," he said, refusing to look at you. You knew that tears were in his eyes. "You'll get better, okay?" His voice wavered slightly.
"It's worse this time, Bucky," you said. "Look at me. I'm practically withering away."
"You'll get better," he said, clenching his teeth.
You didn't say anything, just nestled against Bucky’s chest, relishing the way he wrapped his arms securely around your frame as if you would disappear at any moment.
Maybe he was right. Maybe by some miracle, with Bucky by your side, you would be able to give him all the time in the world.
"I'll try to stick around," you whispered.
64 notes · View notes
altf4d3lete · 3 days
Text
EPISODE TWO
- “maybe it’s one of your classmates” erm or maybe it’s your fucking son and you just decided to ignore the fact that he could be a Hyde too because you didn’t want that to be true
- Weems trying so hard to protect the school. Love her even tho she’s controversial
- Bro wednesday is better than me bc if Rowan walked in smiling at me like that I would have actually lost my shit right then and there
- “Was it to gain attention” what a horrible therapist wtf
- Why does this therapy session feel like a fight omg
- EW TYLER. Sorry.
- Court ordered therapy how badly did you fuck Xavier up bro
- “I believe you” i wonder why bro you’re so manipulative
- ENID MY BBG 😭 “i will literally scratch my own eyes out” “i would pay money to see that” and enid just whips around with a huge smile THEYRE SO CUTE
- HUH??? BY EPISODE TWO THING IS GIVING ENID NECK MASSAGES THATS CRAZY
- Enid not being mean about Rowan being alive unlike SOMEONE (Xavier)
- Yoko looks so done im sobbing
- The gentle rejection from Wednesday and Enid taking it with no issue
- ENID’S WINK
- Is the choir only sirens
- THE FAINT BARKING AFTER SHE SINGS THE NOTE DOGS CAN HEAR
- “Ever shot a bow and arrow” “only on live targets” proceeds to mansplain how to shoot a bow he’s so annoying I can’t stand Xavier im sorry
- She HATES him it’s so funny
- EUGENEEEE
- poor guy aw she just left him there
- There’s just casually a severed hand running through the train station
- THE WAY SHE SLAMS XAVIER’S SPIDER IS SO FUNNY
- Xavier is so awkward sitting between his ex and his crush AND they’re beefing
- Sheriff Galpin is kinda annoying
- HELP ENID BEING SASSY BC THING IS MAD
- Not her coaching wednesday on thing
- “go apologize” “yes ma’am 😐😕”
- Imagine losing your family to a pink sparkly werewolf
- Awww her opening up to thing is so cute
- COUGHS her GREATEST FEAR is being responsible for something terrible and y’all r saying she’d be okay dating someone who was going to help genocide her classmates that’s crazy.
- “I can’t let that happen”
- Y’all she was genuinely concerned abt being the reason the school is in trouble
- Her crushing Eugene about Enid is crazy
- Tyler is so manipulative holy shit
- God she trusted Laurel that sucks so much
- Sigh she can relate to Laurel and that sucks so bad
- I feel so bad for her the one adult she felt like could understand her
- Damn Xavier is so argumentative towards Bianca wtf
- Wednesday was so mad about Bianca cheating to hurt Enid
- MY POOR BABY CRYING ENID :((
- SHES JOINING FOR ENID BE FR WEDNESDAY. YOURE MAD ABT BIANCA’S COMMENT TOWARDS ENID
- I love how they’re always attached at the hip
- WEDNESDAY PUT ON A CATSUIT FOR ENID BE FR EARS AND EVERYTHING
- Enid just not being afraid by Wednesday’s threats
- The way nearly getting beheaded by an axe in the poe cup is just normal
- Enid trusting Wednesday to get the flag
- YES GIRL BREAK THEIR BOAT ENID
- The way she’s way faster than Xavier and Ajax because they got there before and she’d practically caught up with them by the time they got to the crypt (she took a shortcut nvm)
- Goody my bbg 😞
- Xavier getting so mad abt losing is crazy bro literally fell off his seat
- AND YELLING “CHEATERS” HELP
- WWWD I love you enid
- YEA THING PUNCH THAT MF FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND
- ENID WAITING TO RUN TO THE FINISH LINE FOR WEDNESDAY TO HOLD THE FLAG TOO IM ILL
- AND THEM HOLDING IT TOGETHER
- ENID LITERALLY SIDE HUGGING AND SHAKING HER AND WEDNESDAY DOESNT CARE
- they’re so cute
- With how far wednesday went from the quad and how quick enid found her, enid probably immediately went looking for Wednesday after noticing she was missing
- The way she’s hugging Wednesdays arm is so cute
- And the way wednesday looks at enid awww
- WEEMS BEING MORTICIAS COPILOT AND WEDNESDAY BEING ENIDS THATS SO CUTE
- “Ah yes. Me, my gf, and her 5 foot tall trophy”
- Why did she write everything in caps except the “i”s
- The ol’ Addams family snap
- Damn bro got kidnapped that’s crazy
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cry4tzu · 2 days
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Someone like her
Kim dahyun x reader; angst,fluff
Synopsis- you can’t help it but be a fool for someone like her.
Song: someone like me by twice
A/n- happy dahyun day everyone. Hopefully I’m not late( kinda forgot to write one for her bday).
Tumblr media Tumblr media
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Having a crush on your best friend is the worst feeling ever:
1.) because its your best friend
2.) bc it would maybe end badly
3.)there is no third answer
I mean just one look from them and you already a blushing mess. They can just smile and it already brighten up your whole day.
That's how you feel about dahyun. Every time you see her, your heart skips a beat. You can't help but stare at her, even when she's not looking. Her smile, her laugh, her voice - everything about her is just so captivating.
You've known her since you were kids, and you've always been attached to the hip. You've shared countless memories together, from playing in the park to watching movies at her place. But as you gotten older, you realized that your feelings for her are no longer just those of a friend. They've grown into something more, something you can't quite explain.
You find yourself daydreaming about her during class, imagining what it would be like to kiss her, to hold her hand. Sometimes, when you walk past her in the hallway, you can feel the heat radiating off of her body, and it takes all your willpower not to reach out and touch her.
After school, you often stay behind to help her with her homework. You don't mind, really; you just enjoy spending time with her.
-
"I can't figure this out," you said, sighing for the million time today. You had been stuck on this last problem for about thirty minutes. Dahyun walked over to you, her eyes are fixed on the page, her brow furrowed in concentration. She's so cute when she's focused, you thought .
"Let me take a look," she offers, sliding into the chair beside you. Her body is inches away from yours, and you can feel the warmth radiating off of her. She leans over, peering at the problem you're stuck on, and her hair falls forward, brushing against your cheek. catching a whiff of the new shampoo she used.
As she works through the problem, her fingers trail across the page, pointing out where she thinks you might have gone wrong. You couldn’t help but watch her movements, fascinated by the way her hands move with such confidence and grace. You feel a pang of envy when she effortlessly solves the problem, wishing you could be more like her.
"There you go," she says, grinning at you. "See? It wasn't so bad."
smiling back at her, feeling a warmth spread through your chest. "Yeah, you're right. Thanks, Dahyun. You're the best."
She blushes slightly at your compliment and looks down at her desk, playing with a strand of her hair. You can't help but notice how soft her skin looks, how perfect her features are. You wish you could tell her how you really feel, but you're too scared.
-
Dahyun was really known in college. With her being the class president and all. Not to mention an excellent pianist, she was always surrounded by her peers .
You, on the other hand, were more of a loner. You preferred to keep to yourself and study, not really socializing much. But when you were around Dahyun, it felt different. She made you feel comfortable, like you belonged. Even when she was busy with her own friends, she always made time for you.
You would always be there for her when she needs someone to pick her up from late piano lessons. Sometimes, you would even go inside. and watch her practice without her knowing.
Seeing her fingers danced gracefully across the keys, her brow furrowed in concentration. She was lost in the music, and it was like watching a beautiful dance. You couldn't help but feel a sense of awe and admiration every time you watch her play.
It is something you would never be tired of watching. The way she plays the piano, the way she engages with the music, it was as if she was transported to another world. Sometimes, you would find yourself holding your breath, afraid that if you made even the slightest sound, you might break the spell and she'd stop playing.
-
“Seriously y/n, grow some damn balls and confess to her” yeri said as she watches you pace back and forth.
You had force yeri to listen to you rant about dahyun. About how she made you feel, how you wanted to be with her but were too scared. And how much you hated yourself for it.
“It’s not that easy, Yeri. You know that." You sigh, running a hand through your hair.
She rolls her eyes. "Oh come on, y/n. You've been mooning over her since you had met me. Which let me remind you, for two fucking years .”
"It's not like that, Yeri." You sigh, running a hand through your hair. "It's just... she's so beautiful, and talented, and-"
“ you're in love with her," Yeri finishes for you with a knowing smile. You can't help but feel a bit annoyed at how easily she's figured it out, but at the same time, it's kind of comforting to have someone who understands how you feel.
You stop pacing and turn to face her, leaning against the wall. " even if I do confess to her. How would I do it”
Yeri smirks. "Well, you can make her a basket of all her favorite things. You know, chocolates, flowers, that book she's been dying to read. Then go to her dorm and confess.”
“Yeri, that the smartest thing you ever said all year.” You say with a small laugh.
Yeri rolled her eyes. “If you are going to confess, you better hurry to the store now. It’s going to close in less than an hour .”
“Shit.” You said as you ran out of the room, not before quickly waving yeri goodbye.
-
You was going to do it. You had finally mustered up the courage to tell Dahyun how you felt. (With the help of yeri ofc). You was practicing it all night in your mirror. Making sure it was perfect.
You double check if everything was in the small basket. Before making your way out of your dorm.
As you walk out your dorm to go to dahyun dorm. You stop in the middle of hallway . What you saw made your heart torn into a million pieces. you saw a guy with chocolate and flowers standing at dahyun door.
Fucking cha eunwoo.
Of course you knew who he was. Who wouldn’t ? He was very known for his charming demeanor and acting skills. He is also dahyun crush since first year of college . She had be gushing about him to you every time she had a chance . “He’s so cute.” “Y/n, you should saw what he did today.” Blah blah .
You were not impressed. You could care less about eunwoo. You didn't understand why Dahyun was so into him. He was nice and all, but there was something about him that just didn't click with you.
And now here he was, confessing to dahyun.
“Dahyun, I like you. A lot. I was hoping you could be my girlfriend” he said, holding out the flowers and chocolate. Dahyun's face turned beet red and she looked down at the floor. She bit her bottom lip and you could see her shoulders shake slightly.
You couldn’t stand there. Not when the love of your life was going to be taken from you. You felt like you were being punched in the gut, like all the air had been sucked out of here . Before you could even hear dahyun's response, you left that hallway.
You stormed into your dorm room, slamming the door behind you. Your heart felt like it was going to beat right out of your chest. You drop the basket, not caring if everything had spilled out.
You collapsed onto your bed, burying your face in your pillow to muffle your sobs.
Fuck eunwoo. with his stupid haircut and his stupid smile. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. You kept repeating that mantra to yourself like a prayer, hoping it would help ease the ache in your chest. But it didn't. Nothing could.
-
Three days since you last saw and spoke to dahyun. You pretty much had been ignoring her.
Her calls . Her texts. Even at school, you would simply say you got to study and quickly leave.
You were still heartbroken. You didn't know how to move on. Every time you closed your eyes, all you could see was her beautiful face and the way she smiled. It was like a knife in your chest, making you want to feel that pain over and over again.
You didn’t want to see her today.
So you had decided to skip class today. You needed some time alone. To clear your head. To figure out what to do. You had been laying on your bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought.
Dahyun, on the other hand, doesn’t know why you had been ignoring her. Did she did something that made you mad? She didn't remember doing anything wrong.
She had tried calling you and texting you, but you didn't reply. Even when she saw you in the hallway at school, you just looked away and quickly walked past her. It was like you didn't even know her.
It hurts her. It hurts to see you acting like that towards her. She doesn't understand what she did wrong. Did you not like her anymore? Her heart aches at the thought of losing you.
She tries to call you again but it when straight to voicemail. Fuck it. She’s going to talk to you whether you like it or not .
-
You heard knocking at your door. You didn't bother to get up, figuring it was just yeri again . But when they didn't go away, you sighed and rolled over, rubbing your eyes.
“ fucking hell yeri I already told you th-“ you began, before you opened the door. but suddenly paused , when you came face to face with dahyun.
You was going to shut the door in her face, but she quickly pushed it open before you could. You were taken aback for a moment. As Dahyun stepped inside, angrily.
“Why the actual fuck are you ignoring me?!" dahyun demanded, her voice shaking with anger and hurt.
You didn’t know what to say cause for one, this the first time you had ever heard dahyun curse and two, you felt ashamed.
“So, now you ain’t going to fucking answer me . What am I ? A ghost.”
You swallowed hard, looking at the ground. You didn't want to answer her. You were afraid of what she would do if you told her the truth. But she didn't seem like she was going anywhere anytime soon.
"I-I'm sorry," you finally managed to say, your voice barely a whisper.
Dahyun's eyes widened. "You're sorry? Sorry for what? For ignoring me? For acting like you don't care about me?" Hitting you lightly on the chest as you slightly stumble back.
“I like you dahyun “ you said, you voice barely louder than a whisper.
“What” dahyun asked, not believing her ears.
“I like you dahyun. I like you since freshman year of college. I was going to confess to you three days ago but eunwoo beat me to it. I was fucking hurt. And yes I know I shouldn’t have ignored you. I just couldn't help myself. Especially when I fucking lov-“you got cut off by dahyun kissing you. It was a soft kiss at first, her lips gentle and tentative against yours.
But as you began to respond, she deepened the kiss, her tongue sliding past your lips to tangled with yours. You wrapped your arms around her, pulling her closer, feeling her body press against yours.
Dahyun pulled back slightly, looking at you with a mixture of emotions. "I like you too”
“ But what about eunwoo. He ask you to be his girlfriend. ”
“Y/n, honey he’s gay. I found that out a year after I liked him. And plus he was just using me as a test dummy to ask out Lucas.”
You blinked, feeling a little stupid now. All that jealousy was for nothing. You felt your cheeks flush a deep shade of red. Dahyun smiled at you gently.
“Oh” you mumble, feeling even more embarrassed as you tried to hide yourself with a pillow.
“You are so cute”she said seeing you so embarrassed. “My cute y/n” she adds as she bring you into another kiss.
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nt3000s · 11 months
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im so lucky to know so many people in my life to have met so many people in my life that are just life saving ill never not feel lucky people are so beautiful and kind and talented and funny and have so much worth everyone ive ever met anyone in my life i have ever touched i just cant believe it ill never be able to understand it how important everyone is how much i love people the degree to whihc i love people and everyone i have ever met ill just never ever be able to express the depth of how important it is to me it might be the most important part of my entire life. i just need people to know how much i love them im desperate for it to be known how important everyone ive ever met is to me. all of my friends everyone whos ever been kind to me and whoever ive been kind to it will never be lost on me how important it is. and i feel so lucky to be graced i guess by my friends. i cant imagine the life i would live without every event every person who ive ever crossed. i would never sacrifice anything to not be where i am now because of the people i know and have known. the people i know and talk to everyday or the people i see in a notification or pass by. i cant overstate your importance to me. i cant overstate how important i want people to feel. i want people to see themselves how i see them. i can not overstate your importance to me and i love you. im so lucky ill never be able to take it
#i just want ti go to sleep but i cant my sleep schedule has been so miserably depressing me#not that badly. i cherish every moment i have with the people around me and i cherish how lucky i am to be surrounded by such unbe#lievable people. i am happy everyday because people love me.#this will never be lost on me. the importance of it. the importance you all have will never ever be lost on me. your worth as a human being#you are so kind. you are so talented. you are loved by people because you are seen by people that way. i will never lose this#im miserably desperate for everyone i know to feel loved or to know that i love them. nothing will ever ever ever in my whole fucking life#ever be more important to me#nothing in my fucking life will ever be more important than that. please know how much you mean to this. to everything#i dont know what changed but i cry so often now and every single time my thoughts wander to how deeply i feel about this#im just sobbing and sobbing and im like. i love the people that care for me. i love the people i care for#i know when i stop crying or when the day rolls over i get to talk to everyone again. and i feel so lucky. i feel so desperate to explain it#how. much. it. means. to me. How badly i mean this and everything I say.#i dont fucking care if yoire my mutual from fandom or someone who random followed because my blog was funny#someone i talked to once or twice. you mean so much. i swear to god. ill never be mpre genuine or more serious. i guess#thats very kind of you to do that. or like my posts or anything. youre very kind for that. you mean alot to me.#i just dont want to fall asleep when the sun rises and wake up with a few hours to talk to people before im alone#i really hate it right now. and my neutral state has genuinely just been on the brink of crying. like if i sit still too long i just sob#thats genuinely how i have been for the past few days#and thats not the fault of anyone its just how my brain has been treating me#but whdn i get like this i just remember how lucky i feel about everything. like the depth of my feelings#you really just have to trust me when i say like how forever sincere and deep snd monumental it is to me. like please understand the depth#of when i say i love you. dear god i love everyone ive ever met i love you. please please please please understand how desperate i am#i will never ever feel more strongly about anything. i cant imagine it#i have to make this exact same fucking post over and over again#i need to keep saying it man#i need people to love themselves like i love them#the degree to which i say the word need#anyway. i love you. i hope you have fun or are happy about something. or draw write something nice. talk to your best friend. something
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beautifel · 8 months
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i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am
#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately#like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad#i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic#and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me#the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic#let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything#like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing#i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard#the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know#with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things#n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case#it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has.#the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others#this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate#its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences#its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control#ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship#we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people#so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there#ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere
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toaster-selfships · 3 months
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Someone tell A.xlerod that I love him. That he means the entire world to me and I'd love nothingnmore than to spend infinite lazy days with him of just cuddling and watching TV or YouTube together and waking up and making tea and coffee. That he's been life changing for me. He's helped me through so much and I can't wait for every moment I spend with him. That I love his smile so much and everything about him. I wouldnt change a thing. I wouldn't ever dare even want to think about changing a thing about him. I just want him as he is, as himself, that will always be all I could ask for from him. I hope he gets mailed one trillion quadrillion flowers. A trillion of quadrillion of flowers. Don't know what he's gonna do with all those flowers but he's earned it. And then when those flowers die he gets more.
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vaugarde · 1 year
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havent read tbc but i think its so funny how shadowsight seems to be popular to the people i follow just because “the narrative treats him like all the female characters do so hes an honorary girlie”
#and by ''how the narrative treats him'' they mean badly ofc bc apparently everything is blamed on him repeatedly#w no one realizing that he was manipulated and the narrative being retconned just to say hes actually a screwup who was never good#and everything genuinely is his fault bc why else would he listen to an evil cat in starclan#like. damn that really is something theyd do to a female protagonist#also the only ppl ive seen hating on him do it for boring and stupid reasons so im inclined to like him out of spite#bc ''he has an ILLEGAL name in this universe. hes a TIGERDOVE kid. hes a FANFICTION made REAL'' ok well hes the most interesting one. so.#not like anything he actually does in the narrative it seems. plus the other two protags sound boring as hell#''oh im sad i couldnt get w the boy i like. now i love another guy but its forbidden. oh and my leaders possessed ig.''#''SIGH i wish people didnt compare me to my cringe OUTSIDER dad. also i see ghosts and i hate this its cringe''#''also my sister is a legacy name after an important character from the previous arc but who cares''#and then shadowsight is like ''since i was an infant i had excruiciating seizures and visions. i threw myself into a river as a sacrifice#i am suicidal. i got manipulated by an evil man into possessing my great uncle. everyone outwardly wants me dead for it#everyone blames all of their problems on me and expects a lot from me. i got demoted for it. my only support is my close family#and even then they have to suffer the extreme guilt of not being able to help me with literally anything#also the antagonist wants my mom dead for my own existence. i have lost so much#i am literally blamed by god for everything thats happened to be despite being used by them since i was an infant and thats where my story e#ends''#like fuck. yeah he is an honorary girlie to me. i barely know u man but like i support u. cmere be my pet cat#echoed voice
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noxtivagus · 2 years
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i remember again n feel better hehe 🥹🤍
#🌙.rambles#thought i'd just ramble abt this to my notes but maybe a fellow wanderer wld come across this#i mean. aside from a few irls that could very much stumble across this.. i get shy n embarrassed at the though of it but OH WELL HDKGJSKDS#majority here r basically friends acquaintances n strangers that essentially don't know. like my real name or address or wtvr.#basically we don't know each other irl directly so it's somehow for some reason much easier for me to be open about how i feel in tumblr ta#s bcs 1) i write VERY long. very unlikely that someone wld read it unless they seeked it out for some reason that only they'd know#my brain's empty rn it's a bit of a mess but i feel better than just pure emptiness bcs i remember how#genuinely when it comes to other ppl.. despite how they may feel about their own selves. disappointed hatred wtvr#that. regardless of that i know that my own truth for them would be that i'll love them the same#let's say if i don't reach a certain standard for my own grades. say i usually get grades that r 90-100 often around the higher end too#but for one course i get vey slightly below the 90 mark. i'd feel like such a failure i'd feel like such a disappointment#so much so that i genuinely can't accept how others aren't disappointment in me despite how much of a failure i feel i am#turn the tables however; how do i react for others? even if. theoretically let's say they outright fail#i wouldn't think of them as anything less. it doesn't change anything bcs i genuinely love and care for the other wholly from the heart#they're my equal. they're my friend. yeah.. i rmb times in the past where i wld nearly break down from being around the passing score for#only 1 exam. i'd have friends that failed though. & i also forgot of how for other exams i basically got perfect or wtvr#it's so easy to just blind ourselves n focus on failure n forget. things that r most important#i deal with failure.. very badly honestly bcs i achieved very well as a kid. aside from stuff in filipino which uh. yeah trauma but um#maths n sciences n english or wtvr n nearly everything else i'd get easy perfects but i'd forget them over one disappointment#i struggled w that lately w my released grades n it still hurts the regret really hurts so much n i hate myself so much for it but#i'm.. trying to be kind n i've managed to feel like myself for a while today. progress. thats enough to be proud of#bcs yk knowing how others feel of their own selves n the way i treat them despite it. i cld at least try again to do the same for myself#say 10 years from now i'd be more thankful n happy if i forgave myself for it than destroyed myself in pursuit of doing better#more than. success in terms of grades i'd much rather grow n develop as a person#that said recently i've had so much anxiety w reaching out to ppl n i reply slowly but i'm trying to do better#bcs yesterday i rmb feeling so low that i really wanted to reach out to someone.. that's a whole nother lvl of pain for me bcs that means#my hopelessness reached a level enough that i knew i really needed comfort n support or i'll break#indirectly. helping you made me realize n remember myself. n i felt well enough to reach out once more.. i'm too shy to say directly but#thank you very much for that. it means more to me than you'll ever know
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arthur-r · 1 year
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(vent cw sorry i ran out of room in the tags to say that. it’s illness-related anger as usual. content warning for medical everything)
im so fucking sick though. just in general
#and i am so tired of people acting like they know my experiences better than i do#stayed home from school today falling behind in everything couldn’t fcuking get out of bed and my dad said that yesterday my energy was up#so i’m obviously faking it today. like yeah yesterday i laid in bed for hours then came to your house and sat in a chair. saw me for 30min#you don’t get to tell me that yesterday i was feeling well because i fucking wasn’t and you have never noticed or cared#when i fucking passed out got a black eye from hitting my head on the way down. he didn’t fucking bat an eye#now i’m stuck awake because i have stomach pain and my heart has been pounding so loud for hours#and i’m trying to sleep and i need to make it to school tomorrow but i can’t#and i’ve been trying and i’ve been lying awake. and at this point i don’t know how to deal with this anymore#i get sick three times a month you’re supposed to be sick three times a year. this isn’t even counting days where i can’t stand#when i say i’m sick i mean i have sore throat congestion and sometimes fever. and it’s almost always a direct result of trying to live life#like i went to the mall thursday prom shopping. walked a few hours. woke up next morning sore throat runny nose couldnt focus on school from#all the pain in so many places and all of my regular symptoms just being escalated so badly. cant think can’t see cant stand#and that is messed up!!!! that is messed up!!!! and my mother tells me she finally agrees i need anxiety medicine#like hey thanks!! that’s helpful!! however!! why do you only endorse mental when it’s the only alternative to physical#why has my mom always denied viewing my anxiety as anything i shouldn’t just push aside. until it becomes a way to tell me that my physical#problems should also just be pushed aside. why is it so hard to get an audience with a doctor#ANYWAYS i have my stupid follow up appointment. this friday. i dont know how it’s gonna go down#i’m just going to tell the doctor how much it fucking sucks. i guess i’m going to ask for a referral to a neurology specialist in the cities#which will drive my family insane they don’t want to enter the cities to help me. but our clinic doesn’t have what i need#i might get the doctor to do a stress test on friday though if they can do that. but i want specific autonomic testing#and like yeah. i get that anxiety is in the autonomic system. part of fight flight freeze and what EVER i’m not trying to say it’s not!!!!#but does it occur to anyone that my heightened anxiety is one of several symptoms. rather than somehow being the cause#heart rate in panic attack sitting down is 120bpm. heart rate in normal brain walking down the hallway is 140bpm. it’s not my fucking brain#anyway i just need a doctor to actually fucking look at me. actually do the tests actually monitor. because it’s there if you look#but nobody cares enough to look and i just have to sit here falling behind in all my classes and not able to do my job that i love#and just wait for it to somehow get better when i’ve been like this as long as i can remember and maybe it’s worse now but it’s always been#there and everybody writes it off as me being lazy or not putting in enough work and maybe i would have been in sports as a kid if i could!!#people act like my fitness now is because of choices i made as a child but i have ALWAYS had worse reaction to exercise than my friends#and anyway i just. idk. sore throat and stuff is gone now but overall discomfort and disability is not. but i’m going to school cause i cant#keep missing it for health reasons just have to watch my heart go insane and do nothing. out of tags i’m sorry. i’m just so tired.
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living with someone with untreated mental illness is like. i understand why you're like this and i do empathize but also like. jesus fucking christ get some help before i throttle you i stg
#i hate my sis so much. like i get it. i really do. a lot of how she acts is due to mental illness and trauma but at the same time she also#just really shitty. like ik recovery is different for everyone and you move at your own pace but she just. isnt recovering at all it seems#like its been 6yrs since we got out and my mom and i have worked really hard on getting better and changing our behaviors#all the while shes just getting worse and worse to be around. like shes legitimatrly turning into my (abusive) father#its terrifying honestly but we cant do anything about it bc you cant talk to her#you say like ''hey this thing you did upset me can you please try to not do that again'' not angry or anything and she starts crying and#yelling bc youre triggering her and its not fair and nobody loves her and like. i get that some people cry a lot and thats fine! i get that#but its literally impossible to talk to her about anything bc she acts like shes the victim and youre fuckin evil for telling her to please#not put her dirty clothes on my shelf i dont like that please. like thats not an unreasonable request and im not being mean about it! but#im the bad guy for doing anything that critisises her.#and she treats my mom like shit. like i could deal w her being a bitch to me but to momma? fuck no.#i dont believe you owe your parents shit but my mom has been a fucking saint when life dealt her a hand that shouldve made her a devil#she did her absolute best and *she* was the one that sacrificed everything to get us out#and my sister treats her like shes an incapable selfish idiot.#and she never lets me talk. shell talk for an hour about smth she knows i dont care about but when i try to tell her like. hey my fav band#is putting out a new album or smth im real excited about. she gets on her phone and just ignores me.#and she KNOWS this triggers me badly its made me suicidal before and yknow what happened then? i had to apologize for making HER feel bad#she talks over both of us but it you start talking when she was THINKING about talking she has a fit#and she actively tries to gaslight my mom. like im dead fuckin serious my mom has to ask me if smth really happened bc my sis told her it#did/didnt and she has to get me to confirm the truth for her#and she treats her pets like crap she should not be allowed to have pets bc she just loses interest in them and stops taking care of them#and we have to pick up the slack#its literally just like being with my dad again. walking on eggshells all the time#my mom cant watch tv at night bc ellie gets pissed at her for ''waking her up''. even tho she claims she never sleeps.#i hate her so so much i want to punch her i want her to move out i want to never ever see her again#but rn we cant afford to live on our own. so we have to stay with her#anyway.#vent#tw abuse
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maikswen · 2 years
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some of you have been miserable consuming something that was supposed to be entertainment (comics) for YEARS and still haven't found something else to actually enjoy huh
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orcelito · 2 years
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I always do question why I keep putting up with all the bullshit of my job. I got soooooo close to quitting back in February, & ultimately only really stayed bc my tax return was delayed & I didn't have the financial security without it to quit
I enjoy some aspects of the job. But tbh yeah I kinda fucking hate it. There's so much I have to do Constantly, there are Always problems, and I've got more and more responsibilities and expectations placed on me. More and more money too, but ngl it still doesn't feel like enough for what all of this is.
But I'm taking so long in my schooling. I've fumbled it so many times. I don't have any internships and I'm petrified at the idea of applying to them. What I DO have is a rock solid track record with this job. I'm well respected by management, I'm relatively accomplished, & I've proved that I can do a damn good job. The longer I stay here, the more that potentially means down the road. I have a business owner who's openly stated he'll vouch for me no matter where I go & a work history that's looking better and better. Having thorough experience with management looks Great no matter where I go.
And... it helps me feel better about myself, too. Helps me feel like I'm not wasting so much time. I'm not just fumbling my schooling, I'm doing part time school as I also participate in managing a store. Sounds better when I put it like that. Makes me feel like less of a failure when compared to others who are more accomplished.
So here I am. Constantly under pressure, constantly wishing to escape, yet Here I Am.
I just really need to finish with school already. It seems like it's going to be my only real escape from it all.
#speculation nation#being in management has driven home to me how little i want to be in management#im fine being a team leader aka what im hoping all this will act as proof of ability for or whatever#but upper level management? no fuckin thanks lmao. i hate almost everything about it#hate being in charge of deciding peoples' fates re: hiring. hate being in charge of disciplinary stuff (im so bad at it)#hate the expectations and responsibilities and all this constant fucking bullshit#... though i do like feeling valued. the owner consistently voices his appreciation for what i do & it feels very nice#but that's also why this bullshit with the supervisor stings so bad bc she's clearly discounting everything i do for this fucking place#i ALREADY stayed late to help but it wasnt enough bc i didnt give Everything for her.#which i hate that im still angry about it but i really am. it fucking sucks.#she has no idea how hard this fucking job is. how much im already doing. it's infuriating.#i bet she thinks im making like much more than i am lmao. im ultimately only a few dollars more than her.#'management' at at a small store doesnt mean ppl sitting on plush pillows making arbitrary decisions for thousands#no im out there doing shit all the time. im still basically an employee. i just also have some say in how things should be run.#it's complicated. my reasons for staying are complicated. so im unlikely to leave until the time is right.#but oh God i want so badly to leave. i want it so so badly.#someday i will have my bachelors. and then hopefully i can get some random computer job where i can just be a gremlin#without all the pressures of management resting on my shoulders.#maybe someday...
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