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#anyway my dad deserves to have a song about his problems i focused too much on my mom with hard to break

leffee · 3 months

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i know youre mostly focused on the pets and all (especially Vinnie), but I’m curious- thoughts on Blythes human friends? I mean Youngmee, Jasper, and Sue. Maybe even Kora. and maybe even Whittany (even if it was just for one episode)

Ok, listen, back in the day everyone used to say that the pets' part of the episodes were much better because well, the pets were just better, and as much as I agree/d, I think the human side was pretty great too. Honestly? I don't think this show had any bad human characters, a lot of them were just straight-up great. While they were a few pet characters I found annoying or just bad, when it comes to people? I don't think I disliked any. But anyway, Blythe's friends, huh? This is actually something I really wanted to talk about, so thanks for that my dear anon.

Youngmee, oh boy, I love Youngmee. Though I always liked her, only recently I have developed genuine love for her. There's just something about her being nice and kind overall of course, but also mixed with some more "wilder" traits that I absolutely love. When Blythe said in one episode "Reverse psychology doesn't work on her. Neither does normal psychology actually." (or something like that) it was incredible. She has that sort of unnerving trait sometimes, like when in that one episode she kept creeping Blythe out by messaging her whenever Blythe hit new stage of her dad having a date (that we know he didn't actually but that's not important rn). Like, Blythe was just straight-up creeped up, it was great really. She's great. But after discovering that she has the same VA as Biskit twins I can't unhear her talking like them sometimes, it's especially easy to hear when she's laughing, check if you don't believe.

Jasper, I love Jasper, I love him so much, to me he is like Vinnie of the human group, trust me, they'd be bros. The one problem, much like Vinnie, he was often treated like the "stupid and obnoxious friend who talks without thinking" and sometimes it was genuinely annoying. It wasn't his fault though so I don't blame him, and that didn't diminish my enjoyment of him, thank the stars. Where did he disappear in season 4 I do not know, but we need to find him, where is bro. He deserved more, and I think he's my favourite out of Blythe's friends, but Youngmee is not far behind. Oh another thing, I said it before and I say it now, peak outfit design for me on a character is them wearing a hoodie, so like, he gets bonus points for that.

Sue while definitely my least favourite of Blythe's main friends, is still pretty good. I don't like her stubbornness though, it exists in some moments, an example? When in Blythe's crush episode she pretty much forced Blythe, who mind you had no roller skating experience, to ride on one leg. Like, miss, no, you don't force people to do something like that, especially when they can genuinely hurt themselves. And guess what? Blythe did, she ran into Josh and fell. Sure, nothing happened, but it could have. HoWevEr, there is one thing that absolutely sold her to me and to this day I think it was one of the most thought-provoking of the people's part of the episodes. When she praised Blythe to no end and wanted to be just like her, you know, Be yourself song episode? She just threw everything away and wanted to be 100% like Blythe, and if that doesn't speak of some deep insecurities then I don't know what does. You know I love me some confident characters that are actually deeply insecure, so that was my absolute jam. It bordered on obsession, and you know I love obsessions also. My goodness, she's just like me fr fr, wanting to steal someone's entire personality because (maybe) she doesn't like her own.

Kora disappeared ;-;. She was only in her introduction episode, and I think she was somewhere in the Pet Fest episode, but like in the background, and I think once more before that when she was helping Blythe with organizing this thing, but it was never a big role, or heck, she didn't even have any dialogue if I'm correct. Wait no! She was in one more episode in which Blythe worked with her and then bought too much and had to give back money, got it, I almost forgot about it. Still, that's not that much. That's a shame actually, because I think she was a really pleasant character, even if I don't have much to go over. Oh well, what I saw I did like, she's good.

Whittany huh? Biskit twins are great, they are great characters, because if they were real I would smack them upside the head, as characters they are incredible though and definitely entertaining, not to mention have good songs. When it comes to that one episode when they were friends, I must admit, it was very nice, them just talking and sort of bonding was heart-warming. In addition, it provided one of the funniest scenes in lps - Whittany: "This is my soap, just like everything else in this house." Blythe: "Everything in this house is your soap?" or something like that. Maybe it's just me, and now I don't find it as funny, but not so long ago I thought it was absolutely hilarious. Having said all that, I don't believe in that whole "I'm mean to you because Brittany doesn't like you and she's my twin sister," reason at all. Girl, you were there when you first met Blythe, and you didn't like her just as much, plus Whittany's usually the one who comes up or initiates plans against her.

At the end of the day, we all know that Roger is the best human character 😀👍.

I need to overanalize and overthink this show all the time or I'm unfulfilled in life, I'm obsessed with it. It's crazy how the one difference between normal and abnormal obsession (like in obsessive-compulsive disorder) is whether it causes you mental distress. Lemme tell you, lps causes me only happiness and serotonin output that was repressed for years because I had no one to talk about it to.

#lps 2012 #asks

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sunflowerinpearls · 3 months

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Husbands' words are not matching actions and vice versa. Hes been "venting" to "me" in front of our oldest (turning 16 may 10) on our "current" marriage?....problem(s).

I tried my best to keep my mouth shut and one time he asked me to play a song so I for one am so plugged up i cant really hear much, sometimes even music is too loud (sensory processing disorder) and I guess i didnt even hear him say something and the child caught on to what was happening and said "you're ignoring dad again"

So i spoke to her instead of him since she said it, & I said "I didnt ignore him. I didnt hear him. I was hyper focused on the song he requested me to play."

And then he went on just one of many other rants in front of her, asking "you dont think I ever hyper focus on anything? When Im home on my days off, I feel like im your servant" All day anytime I asked for help, to him I was demanding it and not appreciating stuff he did and then he would not stop talking about every single thing he did today around the house and for our children and its like.... ok cool.

And people get paid to do what i do here at home, every single day all day long. Didn't say it would be easy, however I did ask for help. He tried to say he understands im frustrated bcuz im home all day and i guess i interrupted and was rude bcuz i said "Its not THAT, at all" (cuz its...not?) Lastly i stumbled upon his fave song & started playing it & asked him to plz get me my night meds bcuz I am so fucking cold to the touch, esp to others. And moving makes it hurt.:// He said "You can just not play the song now. Thanks." So uhh.. Like all I am learning here is 1) I need to stop asking him to help me w/ literally anything and like he has said in the past which I clearly shouldve listened to: "If you (*me doing this: "cough" "cough") WANT something RIGHT NOW!, I'll have to get up and get it myself or wait until I he is ready to do it." And 2) I've been right all along. I cant count on even my own Husband so like uhh.... okay. And Now to him, I'm just a burden. Let alone ya know, i guess having influenza and not doing shit around the house "today" (literally just today, and actually, i still did some stuff which is better than none lol) and hes acting like he deserves a fucking gold medal. For what? Being a husband a father and taking responsibility of everything whilst your wife is ill? K. Never asking you for shit now. Ill send lists to him at work if the house needs anything. He hasnt had sex from me in a month because for the past 2 months steady, I have been sick with an upper respiratory virus affecting my asthma and everything else and now this so uhh, my bad. Next time I'll just faint (again) & hit my head probably (again) and then maybe, theyll see that hes just gonna send me by myself and come pick me up when Im done being in there because he has to sleep for work tomorrow. Not to ya know, dare mention that if the bulging disc in my spine "RUPTURES", all signs & symptoms of paralysis will hit fast & clearly that would become a huge Emergency Situation... So I was "told to do it anyway" by him even after explaining the deck was covered in thick broken shattered ice chunks and with my slip on shoes that are the only shoes i can wear, I told him "I'm not doing that" and now it's my fault it was left outside until when he came home (3 1/2 hours before home). I feel as if my health is a major burden to him and maybe its time for me to get an inhome nurse... Some people just arent built to take care of anyone else. And maybe idk, maybe he is starting to see that I a really honestly, not in love with him at this point anymore. Maybe tomorrow or next month or next whatever, or maybe never will I be back in love with him.It seemed to me like the exact day that he was hired on as a manager at his workplace, things shifted. He dropped a huge bomb on me. I had to then last night, inform my family that I'm doing gene testing to see if i am a carrier of a breast cancer gene for reasons. They're also testing for thyroid & ovarian seeing as those run heavily. My chances before gene testing was uncomfortable to talk to our 3 kids about but they were as accepting as they can be, as their Mother my main priority should be my health so that Incan get better so that I can continue to do what I freaking LOVE DOING SO MUCH!!!!!! Like I truly do so why continually, continually say outloud in front of the 3 kids that "well I've done all of this and all of this because you asked for help" and it all started over me asking him if he can take lily her cup of water since shes coughing so badly. My flu/asthma/sinus shit is awful and my heart problem make it hard for me to walk sometimes let alone climb stairs.... He's acting like he deserves a gold medal when im always keeping the house up and im not doing that. What im doing is showing him what all i have to do during the day, some updates on what i dod and whatever else i wanna send.

I told him that its unfair to us completely that he doesnt turn off "Manager" when he walks through the door. He had a conversation to me and said hes not gonna be able to shut that off when he comes home and he has to take on so much responsibilities and he feels like he needs to be inside the house alone without myself or the kids or the pets for like half a year to get his straight. Bruh. Like no. Just do better. Idk how many people told me that Id never do this and id never do that and here i am proving them wrong every single day.

But every time he speaks to me like this, I am taken back to a time where I was told "your mother never should've made you." At i think 4-5 years old? I am disabled for many reasons. And I can tell everyone all the time until I'm fucking blue in my own face that, when I say that I cant do something and I ask for help, the help is met with a "your legs work" or "you're capable. You just dont wanna wait" No duh. Thats why i said "now please". Would you rather I give you another reason to hit me 3x flat-cupped handed times on my face again and say that "If I wanted it right now and could have gotten it right now for myself"

Im tired of asking for help and being treated like nothing other than a burden and his biggest fucking problem. How was I supposed to know that I was going to this sick on your 2 days off and that every time I asked for anything, you were upset.

I guess i was right and I'm just a different person now because of trauma processing and healing. But being sick enough to make 4 separate appointments during the 2 month span and if this gets worse, this one too. So I feel like he wants me to say something to him or do something for him, but all Im getting from this is "do not ask me for anything". Isnt your spouse supposed to be the one taking care of you when youre sick? Hes already lost me emotionally. And right before our ten year wedding annivarsary. Cool.

Advice?

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chrispaulcolfer · 3 years

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What do you think of Kurt’s relationship with:

Rachel

Mercedes

Santana

any other friendship with girl? Brittany or Tina?

Oh boy. Okay.

Rachel: hate it. Hate the way it transitioned to sudden besties out of no where. Hate how it turned Kurt into her cheerleader 90% of the time while she took the 10% to reciprocate (Swan Song for example, that was a good pep talk from her to him). Hate how when he's not with New Directions, she's happy to help him try for a solo because he's her "only competition". Yet, when he tries for leading man material at McKinley, she too laughs in his face. When he gets the NYADA letter and she doesn't, she turns his excitement into her pity party. When he wins Midnight Madness, she turns it into "I guess I'm not talented enough and won't audition for anything". I hate how when she ditches him for fake friends who bad mouth him, she doesn't see that as a red flag to ditch them, until they vote for him and not her. I hate how she manipulates Elliott into claiming Kurt kicked her out when it was her own damn choice, and disowns Kurt when he didn't automatically take her side by playing referee for her outlandish claims against Santana. I hate "my best gay", it isn't cute, it isn't quirky, it's stupid and Kurt Hummel does deserve a better best friend who doesn't just use him to hoist themselves up. I'm glad Colfer called it the fuck out in his episode, even if it was magically fine at the end again just because she showed up to his Peter Pan show - shocker. I hate how she destroyed him being the actual student president by cheating, but that's fine because she owns up to it I guess? Like they still had to claim the cheerleader the winner who did nothing all year, when they could've had Kurt who would actually have done something good, but aT LeAsT sHe WaS HoNeSt right?????? I mean she is the one who also decided to run against him for a hot minute too, but SHE DROPPED OUT GUISE. BFF'S. It would've been so much better if they both went to New York, and then agreed to be roommates because it would be cheaper and we see them expand into actual friendship from there. Kurt doesn't need to stay relevant as a character just by being Rachel's best friend on the fact they both are into Broadway. THAT is the stereotype. Because remember, he's gay and she has two gay dads, so meant to be in each other's lives. Also ew having Rachel as a surrogate, what the fuck. No. Keep that controlling person away from any child of Kurt and Blaine's, that'll just cause more problems.

Mercedes: Maybe it's Colfer and Riley's friendship chemistry showing on screen, but I love and will forever love this friendship. I love that Kurt can admit he's wrong with her! ON HIS OWN! No sob story, no passive aggressiveness, no call out. Him realizing encouraging her to lose the weight was wrong? Growth. No, it isn't a perfect friendship, but it didn't start out of no where either. Kurt being dumb with trying to set her up with dates so he didn't feel bad in befriending Blaine. Mercedes letting her religious blinders encourage Kurt to go to church with her - but at least she approaches this conversation honestly, she doesn't sugar coat it from her point of view, which is good. They're both honest with one another. They're in each other's corners. Kurt Hummel heart eyeing every time she performs is the best. And it's dumb that it got pushed to the back for season 3 and onward. It should've grown from high schooler kids to young adults like a fine wine, instead of getting overlooked. There was potential of Mercedes being the surrogate, or even just another egg donor! But you know, some people needed to be zeroed in on and characters had to be tied to that characters hip, and Mercedes wasn't it.

Santana: Can you imagine how great (or terrible) this could've been if Kurt remained on the Cheerios? We can dream! But what we got in S4&S5 was great. Nice bantering, a mutual respect and understanding becoming a thing over time. They made pacts! They swore to each other about things off screen! She and him would've made a dangerous duo in New York if Rachel never moved back into the loft. She could've encouraged him to loosen up more, he would've helped her unlock a more vulnerable side of emotions when it came to catching feelings! Would've loved to see them bonding more like they did with the boyfriend arms watching TV! We were robbed, and s6 destroyed it all together, so. I wish we could've seen them on double dates, with Dani and Blaine. I wish we could've seen her trying to hook him up with guys in season 4! But no, two Slytherin's teaming up is too dangerous I guess. Fuck you glee.

Brittany: In the first season, it's nice to see that Brittany was the popular girl but still showing up to Kurt's house and dancing with him. It's because of her he joins the football team, briefly, and we get to see him kick ass at it and make a win for the Titans for the first time in however long! That's a big deal. I'm glad that she also approaches him in his "straight" phase and offers to help. And I'm glad she encourages Santana to go support Kurt during Prom Queen. BUT ANYTHING AFTER THAT, is null and void. Because she suddenly becomes this overly stupid child who only wants things done her way. When she offers to help him with his running for class president, she only focuses on him being gay and that's it - because it makes him a unicorn? It's a homophobic school, you really think shoving it in the bullies faces won't get him laughed out of a win? And he ditches the idea last minute anyway, so why bother going with that twist anyway? And when he gives her the rundown on what he wants to do, she ignores him and does it her way. When he gets mad, all of a sudden it's poor Brittany, she was just trying to help, Kurt's a meanie face. And when he (stupidly) accepts her idea for the campaign posters, she's like "oh by the way, I'm running against you now sorry I didn't tell you lol". And the bullshit of season 6 of her telling him that he needs to get over Blaine, then magically wants them to be in her and Santana's wedding? No. Keep her as far away from Kurt as possible after season 2.

Tina: Remember when Kurt fake dates her first? Wouldn't that have been an interesting play throughout that episode? Seeing Burt ask about Tina, Kurt bringing Tina over for dinner, Kurt and Tina discussing this new beard-ship for his dad, and then when he comes out, she would've been so happy for him? WE WERE ROBBED, YET AGAIN. We see them being friends throughout the seasons, but there isn't any growth with it. We don't really see her and Kurt doing things outside of school again. We see her help him for his NYADA audition as Christine (which he replaces her for Rachel, big shock, fuck you). We see him defending her against the jock bullies in the hallway. We see them walking to glee club together. But there's still nothing expanded on so it just falls flat. Clearly she and Kurt talk still after he graduates, as they both enjoy gossip. But what else?! We don't know! It had potential for friendship outside of school and outside of just gossiping! But alas.

#answered #anti Rachel Berry #anti hummelberry #anti brittany pierce #long post #fuck glee basically #😌 kurtanacedes ot3 basically. could've had it all.

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skullsandwineglasses · 3 years

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The Rebel Princess - Final Review (SPOILERS)

I tend to be quite critical right after I watch the finale of a drama since emotions are high, so my review might be a little harsh. My feelings might simmer over the next few days while I digest things, but for now, I’ll break down my impressions into 3 parts: The “Good”, The “Didn’t Make Sense”, and The “Could Have Been Better”.

The “Good”

The final scene. That’s the first immediate good thing that comes to mind. That’s probably the only good thing tbh. To be clear, these last 5 episodes weren’t bad. Everyone got their comeuppance, our leads live happily ever after, and Wang Su finally sees the light and goes against Daddy Wang by saving baby Jing’er. But, there were quite a number of things that frustrated me while watching.

I will note one other good thing, which is that we got to see our favourite OTP act out a show to misdirect the rebels in hiding and lure them out. We finally get to see our leads collaborating and putting their smarts together! But, this meant that they had to separate again for the millionth time in this drama. And even though it was just an act, the fake confrontation scene between them still stung. As a trashy romantic, I wish we got to see more scenes of them together, especially towards the end of the drama.

The “Didn’t Make Sense”

But because we finally get to see them work together, I wished we got to see more scenes with them plotting together. This is the first time that they’re working together to uncover a political plot, and yet it’s only relegated to one short conversation scene between them after Awu returns from meeting with her brother who refuses to tell her who’s behind the scenes pulling the ropes.

ALSO, the drama never really addressed how Xiao Qi kind of handwaved Zitan’s involvement in the Neem Yu Shan plot. How did Xiao Qi go from “I need to have vengeance for my betrayed fallen soldiers” to “I need to help uncover the plot against the crown”. It’s kind of implied that Awu might have already told Xiao Qi about the truth before Song Huaien does, but the drama never makes that clear because we never see that scene if there was one. If Xiao Qi learns about the truth from Song Huaien first, does he then talk about to Awu? Again, we don’t know because it’s never shown to us. Instead, right after we see him learn about it from Huaien, it then immediately cuts to the confrontation scene with Awu. BUT, since this confrontation scene was revealed to be planned by them, it means that they’ve already discussed the Zitan problem in private beforehand, and Xiao Qi already knows that Awu knows, but we never see this conversation. It’s also revealed that they’ve long been suspicious of Huaien, but when did this suspicion start? Again, we don’t see this conversation. We just have to guess.

This is just one example of how these last 5 episodes made it VERY obvious where scenes were deleted. A lot of scenes were cut abruptly where one scene would suddenly cut to the next, and you kind of had to infer what happened between those scenes. Things still made sense and you could still follow along, but you could tell that they cut out scenes that would have helped flesh things out and make the transitions smoother.

Villains: Nearly every villain in the drama (Jin’er, Zitan, and Song Huaien) turned back into their “good” old selves again during their downfall. And because of this, it made the finale of the drama pretty underwhelming. Jin’er expressed how she misses the old days to Awu and calls Awu one of the most important people in her life, Zitan sees the light and promises to yield the throne to his nephew and face punishment for his actions, and Song Huaien uses his last dying breath to ask Xiao Qi to take him back to Ning Shuo and how he doesn’t want to be in the capital anymore (when he literally has an arrow to the heart while sitting on the throne he just stole). These characters take an abrupt 180 degree turn when they’ve been blind with envy and hatred for most of the drama. Just moments ago they were shooting daggers out of their eyes, and then suddenly they regret everything they’ve done. Their downfall felt too easy, and their redemption felt even easier and unearned. And Awu forgives all of them (as expected). When she pitied Zitan, I was like, girl, he doesn’t deserve your pity. I get that she needs him to sober up in order to discourage the rebels, but still. He had his own brother killed and tried to have her husband killed. Instead she consoles him like a lost puppy. I know that Awu’s a saintly character, and I’ve talked about the virtues of her character before, but sometimes I wish she’d be a little less saintly.

I think Daddy Wang’s final scene fit most well with his character. He’s defeated, but doesn’t entirely express regret for his actions. Which makes sense for his character. He’s never doubted his decisions all throughout the drama, so why would he start now. Even when Awu asks him if he ever loved her mother, he doesn’t answer her. Instead, he deflects the question back to her to ask if she loves Xiao Qi or Zitan, which is such a laughable question. How is Zitan even still considered a potential love interest for Awu at this point? In response, Awu tells him “此愛非彼愛”. Which I’m still trying to interpret?? To directly translate it, it would translate to “this love is not (comparable to?) love”. I’m having trouble interpreting 非彼. 非彼 means “not comparable to”. Is Awu saying that this love isn’t comparable to another love? Is she saying that this love isn’t considered love? Love for whom? Is she taking about her love for Xiao Qi and how it’s not considered “love”. Does she mean what she feels for him is more than love, or different from love? Or, does she mean her past love for Zitan isn’t love? Why is her response so vague? Her dad asks her if she loves Xiao Qi or Zitan, and she instead gives him such a dense, poetic response. Maybe my mandarin isn’t up to par to translate these historical dialogues, so I’ll be curious to see how the subs translate this line. Anyway, in the end, Awu asks her father if he would agree to being buried next to her mother, and after ignoring the question for a bit, he finally says that he wants to be buried next to her.

The treatment of women: The Elder Princess and Yu Xiu both sacrificed themselves in hopes of getting their loved ones to stop rebelling. And then Awu pulls the same move with her father in order to remind him what her mother had done in hopes of stopping him. And this was after we see Hu Yao and Nanny Xu needlessly die in the previous episodes. So all these female deaths and sacrifices made it feel like the female characters in the drama are disposable and can be easily killed off by the writers. It just didn’t really sit well with me that on 3 instances in this drama, a female character tries to use herself as leverage against a male character who’s about to commit treason. I’m also still not over Hu Yao’s death at the hands of Song Huaien, and we never get to see a proper burial for her because she’s a minor character, so the drama couldn’t be bothered to show it. The Dowager Empress also had a very anticlimactic end. She was such a major player pre-episode 50, and then suddenly she was bedridden and only heard about palace news from her maid and wasn’t able to exert much influence over the court. It was a little disappointing that we don’t get to see her wield any of her old power again after episode 50.

The “Could Have Been Better”

This might be unpopular opinion but, I think Awu and Xiao Qi kind of lost their spark in the last couple of episodes, or at least, it’s more subtle now. Probably because the plot was focused on bigger things, which I understand. These are the final episodes after all. They’re also a long-married couple now, they don’t need to constantly reaffirm their love to us. And the final scene was sweet, so I shouldn’t be complaining, but I wish we got more scenes of them alone together. I said this in a reply on another post, but their sexual tension peaked during the early episodes of the drama. It’s too bad we don’t see that level of chemistry again.

Something that I found funny was how we see Awu stand next to Zitan by the throne twice to protect him. The setup was almost exactly the same between the two scenes where Awu stands to his right. It was like the writers couldn’t figure out a new configuration for how to block the scene. The first time was during the “pretend confrontation” with Xiao Qi, and the second time was against Huaien. I just felt the the repeat setup of this scene was kind of boring and uncreative to watch. It was like the writers couldn’t come up with another way to stage a potential rebellion, so we’ll just have Zitan be cornered around on the throne twice.

Also, Huaien wanting to suddenly take the throne and also Awu as his Empress? First of all, I don’t understand why people, who don’t have the approval of the masses, always want to become Emperor. Do they not realize that by forcibly seizing power, you’re going to lose it just as quickly because no one likes you and they’ll try to take you down? I have the same criticism for Daddy Wang and Zitan. But does Huaien think that he has enough military power to become Emperor? And unlike Daddy Wang, Huaien doesn’t have any significant political impact over the lords. Also, does he think that Xiao Qi would just never come back? Second, him asking Awu to become his wife? We don’t really see him feeling tortured over his affection for Awu again since his wedding with Yu Xiu, and now suddenly, years later, it’s revealed that he still yearns for her? And he declares his love right after stabbing her dad? I mean, writers, please. I know you want to create drama, but it has to make sense.

To be honest, I’ve always found Huaien’s character arc a little hard to believe. He’s such a noble character for the first third of the drama, and then it’s revealed that he’s always secretly harboured a greedy side. A side that craves status and recognition. He then downward spirals into this monster who kills nannies and female comrades and wants to be emperor. We see small hints of his desire for the throne, like when he eyes Daddy Wang’s tailor-made royal robes. But this desire is not fleshed out enough. Huaien’s arc could have worked, but because the drama didn’t focus enough on his internal struggle at the beginning since he isn’t the main character, the change felt abrupt. I don’t know how the book handled it, so I can’t speak to that.

Things just escalate so quickly in this drama. I can now see AvenueX’s criticisms about the political plot of this drama and how it looks like it could have be written by a 10 year old. The writers seem to want to make things as surprising as possible, while also using a lot of old tropes that it becomes predictable. It’s very unrealistic. And the villains’ motivations and ambitions seem limitless. It felt like anyone could lay claim to the throne.

The political scheming in this drama has never impressed me, so I suppose that I shouldn’t be surprised that these last few episodes were just as lukewarm. The problem with the political plot of this drama is that there were no smart characters except Daddy Wang. It’s just a bunch of drama queens(TM) who want power, but do a poor job of thinking things through.

The highlight of the drama was the romance, which was a huge surprise since I didn’t start watching this drama for the romance. And yet, despite the romance being the highlight, the OTP is constantly being separated, and we barely got to see them together in the last few episodes. And the scenes that they did have together in these last few episodes weren’t memorable. If anything, their chemistry kind of fell apart during these episodes because we barely see them communicate directly with each other.

Final Thoughts

Overall, I’d still recommend this drama just for the leads alone. You don’t see that kind of chemistry in idol dramas, and I don’t know when we’ll be able to see this level of acting between two well-matched actors in dramas again. Watching them is almost like a once-in-a-life-timeline thing. However, I think the average viewer might become frustrated with Awu halfway through. The drama’s also very bingeable (in fact it should be binged, instead of dragged on for almost 2 months). I think I would have enjoyed more if I watched all the episodes at once, instead of waiting for episodes as they came out every week, which meant that while waiting, I started to pick apart little issues that I had with the drama.

#monarch industry #the rebel princess #上阳赋 #cdrama #cdrama review #zhang ziyi #rant #cdrama impressions #i wish i could watch Awu and Xiao Qi fall in love again for the first time #sigh #i only watch like 3 dramas a year #so i guess imma be dramaless for the next 6 months

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enviedear · 4 years

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satin and boots → draco malfoy

DESCRIPTION ⌙ in which draco attends a gala hosted by a fashionable y/n and her elegant best friend. draco learns they love a good boot. and a good treehouse.

PAIRING ⌙ draco x fem!reader

WORD COUNT ⌙ 2.4k

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“that’s absolutely hideous. makes me want to wretch.” lukas groans.

“it’s not that bad..” you say, looking down at the magazine.

lukas scoffs, “y/n for someone who’s been to countless fashion shows, you have zero taste. that dress,” he says pointing to the teal chiffon garment in the magazine. “well that dress should be a crime. and not in a good way.”

you laugh a little and flip to a new page. adorning the page is beautiful spread of satin mauve gowns.

“this is the one!” you exclaim, pointing to a tighter fit version of the colored gowns.

“place an order for it! it’ll come in time for my parents gala! i’ll make sure to get a matching tie.” your friend gleams.

the two of you are gushing over what accessories to wear when you’re interrupted.

“look blaise, the hufflepuffs have moved on from planting and cooking to pursue something more meaningful... shopping.” draco smirks.

you roll your eyes at the boy. malfoy could be such an annoyance for no reason.

“draco i think you’d benefit from a day with us. those shoes are so ghastly.” lukas snorts.

you giggle and tell your friend to play nice.

“whatever, avery. you and your blood traitor parents wouldn’t know the first thing about luxury.” draco seethes.

your best friend, lukas avery, a part of the sacred twenty-eight pure-blood families. not like he or his parents care. that fact, annoys malfoy to no end.

“malfoy leave us alone, i don’t see why you constantly have to instigate with everyone.” you say.

blaise grins at you, “draco you’ve upset the poor girl. you know how sensitive the ‘puffs are.”

lukas gets up from his seat, pulling you with him. he glares at the two slytherin boys before leading the two of you to the hufflepuff common room.

“i cant believe my parents invited their families to the gala. i swear i’m going to kill zabini and malfoy if they ruin my night.” lukas complains.

“don’t worry, i doubt they’ll cause a scene there. they can’t afford to make their perfect families look bad.” you joke.

—

the day of the gala comes quickly. on one of the hottest days of the summer. you wouldn’t have cared if it weren’t for the fact that the avery’s had you and their son setting up the outside for the gala.

“mother, do we have to bring all the tables in the gardens? cant the servants do it?” lukas asks.

his mother, jane, gives him a sharp look.

he quickly gives up on his idea and the two of you walk to the gardens, tables and chairs in tow. the avery’s gardens are lovely, full of green grass and a pleathora of gorgeous flowers.

“this wouldn’t be a problem if we could use magic.” you say, placing a chair by a small metal table.

“you stop complaining! i carried way more than you.” lukas scoffs, fanning his flushed face.

“you’re such a dic-” you stop before you finish, spotting his father beside the two of you.

“hi thomas!” you greet the tall gentleman.

he eyes you before saying, “i hope you can improve your choice of words by tonight, y/n. i’d hate to have to send you to bed early just because you start using you colorful vocabulary.”

lukas snorts as you sulk.

“you two can start getting ready, take your time. when you’re done i expect you two greet guests with me and your mother.” thomas tells the two of you.

“us? greeting everyone? even the malfoy’s?” lukas grimaces.

“yes lukas, even the malfoy’s.” thomas chuckles.

getting ready definitely distracts the both of you from any thoughts of annoying pureblood families.

you help lukas into his grey suit. the suit jacket is asymmetrical and he wears a mauve silk turtleneck under it.

“black boots or snakeskin?” he questions.

“snakeskin. you have a statement to make.”

then he helps you slip into your mauve gown. it hugs your curves wonderfully. the dress is held up by two thin straps and drapes down your chest. it’s a simple gown, but the tightness and texture make it a a sight to behold.

lukas does your hair to your liking and helps you clasp your necklace.

“we look dashing.” he smiles at the both of you in the mirror.

“i must say, we clean up expertly. also, i better get my earrings back after tonight. you stole my last pair, and i won’t let you this time.” you say tugging slightly on the crystal earrings he’s wearing.

lukas waves you off and holds his arm out for you, leading you down the spiraling staircase.

“look at how beautiful they are, thomas.” jane smiles, winking at you.

you thank her and take your place beside the family, beginning to greet the guests.

most of them you know through school, and easily sparked up converstation.

besides pansy, she wasn’t too keen of talking to you.

after an hour you began to feel tired of sparking up the same converstation with people. you were beginning to wish could banter with malfoy just for a change in conversation.

almost on cue, the malfoy’s enter the room. lukas glances at you and playfully rolls his eyes, earning a subtle shove from his father.

“lovely gala you’ve put together, jane.” narcissa says before greeting the rest of you.

“i’ll have to agree with my wife. everything looks immaculate,” lucius says. “and your son is growing up quite nicely. he takes after you, thomas”

as the parents drift off into a conversation, draco clears his throat. you look at him and smile.

“i see you’ve gotten new shoes, malfoy. i must say, you can’t go astray with a good boot. good choice.” you say.

lukas snickers, “although an off white suit? thats questionable.”

draco glares at him before retiring hs attention to you, “you look nice. i almost didn’t recognize you.”

you scoff, “i look extactly like myself, draco. i’m just in a tight dress.”

he doesn’t say anything, but instead, looks you up and down and smirks. you don’t know why, but the gesture sends a shock down your spine.

soon the malfoy’s make their way to a dining table, and you continue to greet guests for a few more minutes.

“lukas, escort y/n to the dance floor for the first dance. and please, do not try any new dance moves you saw at the ballet. we don’t need a repeat of last winter.” jane tells her son.

“it wasn’t my fault.. y/n didn’t practice.” he mutters.

you and lukas make your way to the middle of the ballroom. his right hand envelopes your own and he allows his left to sit at your waist.

suddenly the music begins and you and your best friend float around the room elegantly.

you hear a few ooo’s and ahh’s. that eases the awkwardness you feel about being the opening dancers.

“malfoy has a crush.” lukas whispers.

“how riveting.” you huff, focusing on the steps.

“oh, not just any crush. it’s you, love.” he says, dipping you down and winking.

“are you sure he’s not smitten with pansy.” you say, quirking your eyebrow up.

lukas raises you back up and spins you, “that’s a stupid question, no one likes pansy.”

“that’s rude.” you chastise.

“well she doesn’t know i said it. i think you should ask him to dance.” lukas grins.

the music stops. the guests clap respectively.

“i thought we hated malfoy?” you say.

“we don’t hate anyone. just ask him.” lukas tells you.

before you can protest, lukas leaves you going to dance with leo greene.

there was no way you’d ask malfoy to dance. so instead, you go to sit at your table. there’s an array of foods and cocktails to indulge, and indulge you do.

a boring hour passes and you decide to escort yourself to the gardens. by now, the stars are out and the guests are all inside. you’re all alone. as you walk through the hydrangeas you faintly hear your favorite song being played on the piano. you smile to yourself and gently sway to the beat.

“cant find a dancing partner, y/l/n?” draco asks, poking his head out in front of you.

you shriek and cover your mouth.

“don’t scare people, malfoy!” you say, slapping his wrist.

“oh please, i didn’t mean to,” he pauses and looks up and down at you again. “want to dance, y/l/n?”

you give him a questioning look but take his hand anyway.

“please refrain from stepping on my feet.” he teases.

“if i step on your feet it’s deserved.” you reply.

he rolls his eyes, and begins dancing with you.

“lukas is under the impression that you, draco dear, are harboring a crush on me.” you tell him.

“a crush? i’ll say i find you beautiful, but i don’t have a crush on you. you’re a half-blood hufflepuff.” he snorts.

you knew it. there was no way malfoy could have a crush on you.

“that’s what i said.” you say plainly, allowing him to continue guiding you through the gardens in a simple dance.

“what’s that over there?” malfoy asks nodding his head in the direction of a tree.

you look over and see he’s talking about the treehouse lukas and you built your first year. you smile and look back to him, "would you like to see?"

"i guess.." he says, letting you go.

you lead him to the tree house and tell him to climb up, you follow suit.

inside sit a conglomeration of things lukas and you have collected over the years. there’s a badger plush toy, bean bags, a muggle radio with stickers covering it, a love letter a muggle boy wrote you fourth year, an empty bottle of whiskey, and a hufflepuff flag.

draco looks the place over and picks up the letter.

“what is this?” he asks, shit-eating grin covering his pale face.

“that is none of your business!” you say, grabbing the letter.

“no no, hand it back. i want to see.” he says.

you glare at him, “you’ll just make fun of me.”

“i swear i won’t make fun of you, now give it here.” he says, snatching it up.

he scoffs before looking back down to the letter.

he begins to read aloud, “my dearest y/n, i get very sad when you leave for school. i wish i could go with you. i miss seeing your pretty face all the time. the boys back home miss you too. when you get back i think we should all watch the rest of the star wars movies. josh’s dad got them all for christmas! i miss you so much. i think i like you a little too much now. the other day while i was in the shower i started thinking about your pretty eyes. and now, i’m certain they’re my favorite thing about you. i hope school is going well! i was sorry to hear about that guy that was making fun of you.. drago? don’t let him get to you. he probably doesn’t know how to talk to a pretty girl like you. some guys are insecure like that. oh and can you send those weird chocolates again? last thing, i remembered you liked my jumper i had on the last you saw me, so i sent it to you. i hope you’ll wear it! i cant wait to see you.” he finishes and looks over to you.

“drago? i assume that’s me.” he says.

“yes, draco.” you reply

“i wasn’t that mean to you fourth year.” he insists.

“oh, you were beyond mean. you were a complete git, malfoy.”

he laughs and places the note back in its place. turning to look at he the bean bags.

“what are those?” he quizzes.

“you sit in them, they’re called bean bags.” you relate.

he glances around the room once more before sighing.

“what now, malfoy?” you ask.

“i lied.” he declares.

you furrow your brows, “about what?”

“when i said i didn’t have a crush on you. i do. i like you. you’re... nice.” he admits.

“i’m nice?”

“well amongst other things, but i didn’t want to fuel your ego. salazar knows you have enough of that from hanging around avery.” he replies.

“i would like to say i as well have a crush on you, but i feel like this is some sort of prank you’re pulling on me with blaise and pansy.” you quip.

“it’s not a prank. i wouldn’t go this far for a prank. y/l/n, i’m in some stupid treehut you made back in first year just because i like you. i made sure zabini and parkinson didn’t annoy you or your bloody friend tonight. and i danced with you in a garden of flowers. i don’t know how much more obvious i can be.” he nags.

you raise your brows, “okay okay, i believe you. i like you too draco. you’re... unique.”

he rolls his eyes at your joke.

“seriously. you’re a sight to behold. you’re beautiful, charming when you want to be, intelligent, and you know what you want.” you smile.

he returns the gesture and relaxes.

“but you have to stop being a dick or else i won’t entertain you.” you say, firmly.

“i can do that.” he remarks.

you laugh and pull him toward you. his eyes scan your face before leaning in.

“no way. seriously no way.” you hear lukas guffaw.

you look behind you and see your friend and leo, eyes shooting out of their sockets.

“oh fuck off lukas.” you giggle, throwing the badger at him.

“i’ll leave, i just-,” he blinks rapidly while pointing at you and draco, “that was just unexpected.”

you roll your eyes and wait for him to be far away from the treehouse before you lean back into draco and kiss him.

it’s a delicate kiss, full of innocence. it makes you feel utterly weightless.

“i have to get back to my parents. i’ll write to you though. i hear the avery’s are throwing another party before school. i’d like to have you as my date.”

“your date? but what about your parents. they wouldn’t like that one bit.” you ask.

“i couldn’t care less. at least you’re not a bloody muggle.” he teases, earning a slap on the wrist from you.

“i really like you draco malfoy. don’t mess this up.” you say, watching him ascend down the ladder.

he looks up at you and smiles, “never.”

#—myfics !#draco x y/n #draco x you #draco malfoy fanfiction #draco malfoy #harry potter #draco x hufflepuff!reader #draco one shot #draco malfoy x y/n #draco malfoy x reader #draco fanfiction #draco x female reader #draco lucius malfoy

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p---ink · 4 years

Text

Stark Contrasts: Chapter Three

Author’s Note: Hello all! For those of you following this series this is part 3 in my Tony Stark Fan-fiction. Part one is here, and part two is there. So sorry for the late update by the way. Writer’s block is a bitch. But I refuse to post something I don't at least like a little bit. That being said, I loved writing this chapter. Honestly if I can get just one person to read this and say they like it, I’ll be so grateful. It’s full of “angst”. I still use that word lightly, because to me it’s a drama instead of a story that makes you feel dread or anxiousness. Anyway I really hope you guys enjoy it, because this one took me a while.

Summary: Upon finding about you and Tony’s romance, Edward Stark loses it. Pepper Potts steps in to help mediate the situation.

Warnings: Angst, Language. No smut this time, sorry. :(

Song: Cry by Cigarettes after Sex.

Word Count: 8.8k

Parts: one | two | three | four | five

Chapter Title: Mother Knows Best

The concept of silence was made by man. We know this, because the world around us is never truly silent. You could argue differently though, because in this moment it felt like time stood still. You couldn’t even hear the sound of the clock ticking, as it rang loudly throughout the quiet room. Even the sound of your heart beating rapidly against your ribcage, fell on deaf ears. The one thing that was apparent to you however, was the rage behind Edward’s cool facade. Though it didn’t make a physical sound, it screamed louder than any noise had ever made.

You stopped embracing Tony and stepped away from him. “By all means, please don’t stop on my account.” Edward chuckled.

“I thought you were asleep.” Tony admitted, as if his thoughts helped the situation. He didn’t say it in an apologetic or shameful way, more so just stating a preconceived notion.

“Would that have made a difference?” Edward questioned, furrowing his brows inquisitively. “You know believe it or not, I felt guilty for leaving my girlfriend all alone in an unfamiliar town.” He stated, turning towards you and putting emphasis on the word unfamiliar. “When I heard your taxi pull up, I decided to come down and make sure you arrived safely. Can’t say I wasn’t surprised to see such a beautiful declaration of love.” He relayed his thoughts and actions as if he was telling a close friend a funny story.

“Edward, we—” You start to explain.

“We?” He interrupts, smile dropping for a second. But as quickly as it disappeared, it was back again. He began shaking his head in disbelief as he repeated the word ‘we’. “So you guys are a ‘we’, now? This is too fucking rich.” He laughed.

His grin was so wide, it almost looked genuine, and had you not known the story behind this reaction, you would of thought his joy made him look even more handsome. Right now, however, all it did was scare you.

“You know. I always thought it was weird how close you guys were.” He confessed, waving his finger in a playful ‘you-got-me’ kind of manner. His voice was sickeningly sweet, and it made your stomach churn. “But I told myself, that it was a good thing my dad liked my girlfriend so much. You know some people can’t say the same. Man was I foolish!” He exclaimed, looking between the two of you. While you gnawed at the inside of your bottom lip and averted your gaze away from Edward in shame, Tony rolled his eyes and scoffed at the display in front of him.

“Dad tell me” He started again, pausing for a second to meet Tony’s eyes. “This is why you needed me at my desk right? So you could fuck my slut of a girlfriend?” If the words themselves didn’t make you wince, the tone they were laced in certainly did.

“Watch your mouth, when you address her.” Tony snapped through gritted teeth.

Edward quickly threw his hands up in defense before saying, “I’m sorry dad, you’re absolutely right. I should have said your, slut of a girlfriend. Please forgive me.” He smiled, watching his father’s fists clench. When you grabbed one of Tony’s hands, and whispered a ‘calm down’, Edward lost it. He focused on the way your chin rested on his father’s shoulder as well your hand on his a little too long.

“How long has this been going on?” He asked coldly, abandoning the amused act. It stayed silent for a moment, and since he didn’t address a specific person, you took it upon yourself to answer. You felt you at least owed him that.

“A little over—” you try to answer, but your attempt is short-lived.

“I was talking to my dad” He snarled, raising his voice and a hand to silence you. Turning his attention back to Tony, he repeated his question. “How long has this been going on?”

“Does it matter?” Tony quickly retorted, growing tired of the way Edward had been talking to you.

“You know what, I think it does.” Edward challenged, eyes turning into thin slits as he looked his father up and down. “I deserve to know when this all started.” He said as if it was a matter of fact

Tony scrutinized him for a second, contemplating on whether or not he wanted to be mature or petty. He chose petty. “Fine. Since you insist on knowing all the juicy details: I’ve wanted her since the first day we met.” He revealed, shocking both you and Edward. “Now you do the math.”

Now really thinking about it, Edward gradually stood from his seated position on the stairs. He tried piecing everything together, but it was hard because when he was home, he really wasn’t present. The evidence was still there, however, and even a blind man could see it. How could he have missed those longing stares from across the room? The lingered touches that Tony would press against the small of your back. He somehow even managed to dismiss the way the room would go quiet whenever he walked in. The way Tony whispered to you secrets that would make your thighs clench. What innocent thing could he be saying that would make your body react like that? As you two watched anger consume him, Tony gently pushed you behind himself before Edward spoke again.

His nails had a grip on his palms so tight, you were sure they left blood, or at the very least dents. His chest, was rapidly rising and falling, as if he was having trouble keeping air in his lungs. His jaw produced a slight bulge, that was a direct result from the way he fastened it shut. “Dad.” He growled, his carefree demeanor now long gone.“How could you? She was mine.”

“See that’s your problem Edward. She doesn’t fucking belong to you, or anyone else for that matter.” Tony corrected, matching his son’s hostile energy. “And if you really cared about her, maybe I would have never had the chance to fuck her.” Your brows furrowed at his choice of words, and you gave him a sideways glare. He was purposely trying to evoke a reaction.

He got what he wanted, because as soon as he said it, Edward moved like a blur as he crossed the room to connect his fist with Tony’s face. He caused him to fall to the ground before catching himself with his palms. You gasped, and dropped to the floor beside the fallen Tony, who was now licking a busted lip.

“I hope she was worth every minute.” Edward spat, kneeling down to clutch his father’s collar.

“Every second.” Tony teased, finding a smirk under the sting he felt from his lips. Edward delivered another punch, this one landing on one of his eyes, then another that found its way under the side of his chin, leaving only a few seconds between each blow. Had you not pushed yourself between them he would have left his father’s face a bloody and swollen mess.

“Stop!” You shriek, holding your arm up to shield any further blows. He did stop, but you two held each other’s glares. His hand was still fixed in an attack position, and thats when you began to soften your features. You realized that he was seriously considering whether or not he wanted to hit you as well. Before you just knew he wouldn’t harm you, but seeing the look on his face now you weren’t so sure. Was that how bad you had hurt him?

Edward decided against striking you. Though his father had been taking his hits like a champ, that would quickly change as soon as Edward laid a finger on you. Fire burning in his eyes and a serious conflict within, he stood to collect himself. “You’re dead to me, Y/N.” He stated, lowly. You wanted so badly to say ‘I’ve been dead to you for a long time now’ but decided that now wasn’t the time.

He began straightening the wrinkles from his shirt and running his long digits through his raven black hair. “I’ll send for my stuff.” Was all he said as he took a step over both you and Tony, walking away in search of his keys.

“Better send someone quick, before they have to sort through ashes!” Tony shouted, rolling to his side to pick himself up with your aid. Edward neither spared him a glance, nor another word.

When you heard the door click, you helped Tony readjust. Once he was put back together, you pulled your hand back as far you could to deliver a solid smack to his arm.

“Ow” he wailed, grasping the area you hit. “Haven’t I been hit enough today?”

“No. Why did you have to act so childish?” You asked, demanding an answer.

Still rubbing the sore spot on his arm, he looked down at you with a blank expression. “He deserved it.” Was what he said in an indifferent tone.

You rolled your eyes, before saying “Even if that’s the truth, he was upset and he had every right to be.”

“No Y/N, he didn’t.” He said slightly raising his voice, and talking with his hands. “How he could even call you his girlfriend after all of this time, is beyond me. He doesn’t get to be upset.”

“Tony we violated his trust.” You cried, searching his frustrated face in hopes of finding a sliver of empathy for his son.

“Edward is a self-serving jackass, who relatively no one can trust. Do you really think he holds weight in this matter?” He countered, raising a brow. In realization that his face was now forming bruises, you asked these next questions.

“You have all of the answers don’t you? Was this all worth the black eye and busted lip?” You ask, gesturing towards his face.

“Absolutely.” He answered referring to both questions. “I’d do it again if it meant seeing the look on his face.” He stated proudly.

“You’re impossible.” You grumble, as you walk away to grab a dampened rag from the bathroom.

“Edward’s the one who’s impossible!” Tony shouted from the other room.

You rolled your eyes for what felt like the tenth time tonight at his comment. “Why is he being so immature?” You mumbled to yourself, before walking back to the foyer washcloth in hand. You found him in the family room instead, studying a younger photo of Edward. He did feel guilty, he was just to proud to show it. You sighed alerting him of your presence. He instantly reacted by sitting the frame back down on its floating shelf, clearing his throat and pretending that you didn’t just capture him longing for the days when Edward was at the very beginning of his youth. You decided to play his game, choosing not to mention his shame, but still acknowledging that it existed. That was enough for you. To you it meant he was a good person.

“Come here” you quietly say. He sauntered over to you slowly, reaching down to take the cloth from your hands. You playfully jerk it back from him, before giving him a fixed look. Pushing him down on the nearest couch to stand between his legs, he holds onto your waist to keep you steady. The cool washcloth dripped water down your arm, as you reached up to nurse his bruises. Apparently Edward had been wearing a ring, because a cut had formed just above Tony’s brow. He winced when you pressed the cloth over the mark to clean it. You couldn’t help but feel guilty, feeling to be the cause of this all.

“Did you mean what you said earlier?” Tony asked breaking the silence.

“What did I say earlier?”

“You said you love me.” You could tell he felt insecure, and your prolonged answer only made it worse.

“Of course I did silly.” You say, pecking the tip of his nose, literally kissing his worries away. “And what about you, did you mean it when you said you’ve wanted me since the first day we met?”

“Every word of it.” He smirked. You grinned back, finding comfort in his words. It didn’t last longs though, as tonights events kept replaying in your mind.

“So…where do we go from here?” You asked softly, voice just barely above a whisper. Had you not been standing right in front of him, he would have missed it.

The cloth covered one of his eyes completely, so he looked at you with the free one. But even with no eyes, he would be able to sense the worry in your voice, and imagine the worry on your face. He cupped the hand that was on his cheek, and kept his other hand on your hip.

“We just wait, The hard part is over now.” He assured, leaning in to plant a kiss to your forehead, then your nose, before settling in on your lips, tugging your shirt to deepen it.

After you finished up his face you guys prepared to go to sleep. It was the first night since your being together where you weren’t afraid of being caught. You laid in bed, and thought of his words as you forced yourself to sleep. You wished you could believe them, but knowing the man that Edward was, you knew tonight was nothing compared to what was to come.

__________________________________________________________________

“You slept with his girlfriend, and you have the nerve to tell me to calm down?” Was what you heard when you woke up. A few days had passed since Edward found out about you two. You were trying not to think about it too hard, but life had other plans. You wiped the crust from your eyes, and slowly sat up to yawn and stretch, focusing in on the conversation unfolding downstairs.

“Tony, among all of the morally fucked up things you’ve done, this has got to be the worst! And Stark Industries used to cater to the advancements of industrialized weapons.” Pepper. That voice belongs to Pepper. You thought.

“Okay Pepper, you’re being a little dramatic. The weapons are obviously worse.” Tony said, in a fed-up tone. You carefully let your feet hit the floor to silently go eavesdrop from the top of the banister.

“We both know that’s not the point.” She said bringing her voice down an octave.

“Then exactly what point are you trying to make, Ms. Potts? Why are you here?” Tony retorted. He spoke in hushed tones, but the annoyance in his voice was clear.

“I need to see Y/N, so—”

“No.” Tony quickly interrupted, but Pepper continued.

“—So we can figure this mess out.” She cried.

“Hell no Pepper, I’m not letting you bother her with this bullshit.” Tony bit.

“Edward is really upset!”

“Unfortunately, I am all out of fucks to give about Edward’s feelings.”

“Tony, look at what he’s threatening to put out.” You could tell she was showing him something, you just didn’t know what “If this reaches the public people are gonna start piecing these things together, and realize it has to do with you.”

“Pepper.”

“Let me speak to Y/N.”

“No.” At this point you began making your way downstairs, curious as to why she came all this way. You liked Pepper. You met her after meeting Tony. They had been separated for months. Despite Tony’s horror stories, she was always nice to you. Perhaps the divorce helped her find herself, because the Pepper you met was nothing like the one he described.

“Y/N! Please come down!” You hear Pepper yell from the foyer.

“Pepper, are you out of your mind? For crying out loud.” Tony cries upon seeing you descend. He was facing the staircase, hands on Pepper’s shoulders trying to urge her out of the door. Her back was turned, until she followed Tony’s line of sight, spinning to focus her smoky blue eyes on you instead.

Her golden blonde hair was done up into her typical tight ponytail. Makeup light, consisting only of a simple peach colored lipstick and mascara. She wore a tan pencil skirt, white blouse and safe nude pumps. As per usual, Pepper was perfectly primped, not a gold lock out of place, save her bangs and a few intentional strands that cradled her face. If only her appearance could match her attitude.

She fully turned her body so that her attention was on you. “Y/N, please tell me this whole thing isn’t true.” Pepper pleaded.

“I’m afraid it is Ms. Potts.” You reply, sheepishly, suddenly feeling ashamed again. To have Pepper disappointed in you, felt worst than getting caught by Edward himself.

“Jesus.” She sighed, closing her eyes shut and pinching the bridge of her nose. “You two, have royally fucked yourselves. Take a look at this.” She stepped closer to you with an iPad in hand, dragging a skinny finger across the screen to reach the content she wanted you to see. She came to a stop and handed it over to you once she reached a page that looked like an article, or at least the rough draft of one. It was clearly about you and Tony, as the entire thing talked about Edward dealing with the betrayal of two people closest to him: a person who gave him life, and a person whom he gave his love. He was the victim, and though he did not put a name to his betrayers, they were clearly the decorated villains. It was very well-written. He even added parts to the story that not even you knew happened.

Tony watched you panic. He watched the worry lines etch themselves in your skin. He snatched the iPad from your wandering fingers, and then he watched confusion take the place of worry. “You have to get ready for class. Besides, Ms. Potts was just leaving.” He firmly stated.

“What? No Tony. I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to go to school today.” She suggested as Tony handed her the device back. “We have to figure out what we are going to do about this.” Was what she said as he gently pushed her out of the house, and closed the door in her face.

He was really upset with her for upsetting you. Maybe he was also upset about Edward, but he felt his son couldn’t do any real harm. However, he knew you felt otherwise.

“Don’t worry about him.” He assured. “Eddy is just throwing another tantrum.”

“Another?” You questioned, both worry and confusion working hard to dominate your features. “What are you not telling me?”

“Stop worrying. That’s what I am telling you.”

“How can I not? Tony you keep telling me not to be worried, but you and I have seen what he can do when he’s upset.”

“Yea well I taught him how to do it. His ‘power’ comes from me, and I can assure you that. Everything will be fine.” He assured once again.

You blow out hot air threw your nose, frustrated with his naivety. He was really acting like the problem didn’t exist. “I have to get ready for class.” You stated, flicking your hands in the air as if to brush off his words before stomping away.

“Baby?” He yells from the foyer, as you retreat up the stairs.

“What Tony?” You yell back, once you make the bathroom.

“Are you mad at me?” He whines.

“Yes!” You scream.

“Well, I love you!” You can practically hear the grin in his voice.

“Fuck you Tony.” You yell, mocking fake agitation.

“Sure, but we have to wait until after you get home from school.” Well at least he learned his lesson from last time. You think to yourself, smiling as you get ready for the day.

_________________________________________________________________

It felt like days had passed as you watched Professor Maxwell drone on and on about quantum mechanics. In reality, it had only been about 4 hours since you left the house. This was your last class of the day, so of course he had to drag it on.

You sat alone in his huge lecture hall, half-heartedly scribbling down notes. Though you were easy to get along with, and many people thought you were cool and nice, you found it hard to make real friends with your peers. You attended a prestigious university and most of them came from different backgrounds. Of course, for the most part, there was nothing was wrong with that, but it did make it harder to find common interests from time to time. It wasn’t like you didn’t have any friends though, just not in this particular environment. This fact alone helped you excel in your studies and passions. You found with no social distractions you could get more done. Right now however, you were more distracted than you had ever been.

You kept thinking about Edward’s article. You kept thinking about Edward. You really hurt him. But Tony was right, Edward had been hurting you since the beginning. It still didn’t make it okay for you to cheat, let alone sleep with his Dad. Preoccupied with your self-guilt, you didn’t notice the dings that sounded off around the quiet auditorium. Gasps, and soft whispers, followed, as people looked at you, but you were far too focused on your own problems to pay attention to theirs. You weren’t too focused to not hear the professor signal the end of class though.

Shoving your laptop in your bag, you sprung to your escape. Bursting through the grand oak doors of your university’s science hall, you rushed to be the first in line at the school’s popular little cafe. Grabbing their pastry of the day became your favorite ritual.

You leaned down to take in all of your choices. The warm yellow light of the display case illuminating your face. You could hear a faint buzz coming from it over the humming of the espresso machines, the overplayed pop songs, and the chatter from your fellow students and locals that frequented it. Coming here was peaceful. It was much like the library would be to someone who needed to focus. You found the busyness of the world relaxing, because no matter how many problems you faced, everyone else just kept moving.

You thought about how you were gonna treat yourself. Maybe you would have an apple strudel today. Or perhaps a blueberry cannoli? Peach scone? You decide on the strawberry shortcake, it was a classic and to die for. You pointed it out to the pastry clerk, and he was happy to go and prepare it for you.

“What, your sugar daddy not giving you enough sugar at home?” You heard a voice ask from behind you. You mentally groaned and rolled your eyes at the sound of Amber. She was a girl from Edward’s past that had a personal vendetta against you for reasons unknown. They were long done before you entered the picture, but Amber must of felt otherwise.

You turned around to greet her, and as always you were astonished by her appearance. She had these catlike hazel green eyes that could burn a hole through steel. A strawberry blonde curly mane cascaded down her shoulders. She also had a natural sun-kissed golden tan, and she stood at a tall 5’11. She was gorgeous. Why she was still hung up on Edward, you would never know.

She had with her, Cassie, a faithful fan of hers who couldn’t form her own standing opinion . She kissed Amber’s ass so much you were surprised to find out she didn’t live in her toilet. She also brung Jasmine one of her new recruits, a petite mousy-like sophomore. Jasmine was okay, but she was a try-hard in constant need to of approval, hence why she hung out with Amber.

“Hi Amber.” You smile, mustering up your last bit of fucks to give. You were too tired to acknowledge the meaning behind her comment, but not too tired to throw her a bone.

“Hi Amber.” She mocked, slurring your words. “You had everyone around you eating out of the palm of your hands, but I knew your goody-two-shoes act was just that: an act.”

“What are you talking about?” You asked, heart dropping to your stomach. You hoped she wasn’t talking about what you thought she was.

“So you can’t read now? Let me say this slowly so you can comprehend.” She cleared her throat for a comedic effect before she spoke again. “Edward finally let the rest of the world know what a gold digging slut you are!” She smirked, throwing out her hand to Jasmine who wasn’t paying her any attention. “Jasmine!” Amber shrieked, causing the poor girl to jump. She quickly recovered from her incompetence, and scrambled to pass Amber her phone. Amber passed it to you, careful not to take her eyes away from yours. She didn’t want to miss the face of a girl who’s life was about to fall apart.

On the phone, was the same article Pepper had shown to you earlier, only this time it had been updated with even more lies spread throughout. Edward played the part of an unsuspecting, loving, and caring son/boyfriend, who was blindsided by the treachery of his beloved father and girlfriend.

Again no names, but if it wasn’t already obvious, people knew it was you now. You looked up to Amber, a smug look playing on her features. It didn’t unsettle you as much as she wanted it to. What unsettled you though, was when you looked around the cafe. All the noise and chatter had all but come to a cease. The humming from the coffee machines, the overplayed pop song, and the buzz from the display counter were all that could be heard. They were waiting. Waiting for an answer. Waiting for your reaction.

No. You thought. I am not gonna give this bitch or anyone else the satisfaction of my reaction. You tighten your jaw, and turn to pay for your pastry, now in a hurry to leave the shop.

Amber was not having it. “So you have nothing to say?” She scoffed loudly. “I am clearly talking to you.” She harshly grabbed your shoulder to turn you around.

You were ready to throw hands but before you could you were promptly cut-off by someone else.

“Leave her alone Amber, before I fuck you up.” They commanded. Everyone’s necks snap to investigate the source of noise. Eyes land on the pink-haired girl at the back of the cafe. She had chosen a cozy little corner booth, where she could kick her feet up to watch all of those around her.

“Excuse me?” Amber sneered.

Nao, if you remembered her name correctly, swung her feet out of the booth to make her way through the crowd. She came to stand in front of Amber’s frame, before she addressed her again. “Let me say this slow enough so that you can comprehend” You smiled, as she borrowed Amber’s words from earlier. “I said: ‘Leave her alone Amber, before I fuck you up.’”

“What are you gonna do to me Nail?” Amber challenged, feeling quite good about herself for the joke she made.

“It’s Nao, but you knew that already, and you don’t want to try me” She warned.

“What could possibly be worse than sleeping with your boyfriend’s dad?” Amber asked a little too loudly for your liking, she earned an uncomfortable laugh from Jasmine, and a cackle from Cassie, who playfully tapped her shoulder in approval. There were also a few scattered snickers from other people in the cafe.

“I don’t know, maybe you should ask all of those married men, who you slept with over the summer.” Nao suggested, eyes wide mocking innocence. “If they don’t know, their children and wives might.”

‘Ooo’s’ and ‘ahh’s’ erupted throughout the quiet space of the cafe. Someone whispered, “Did she say ‘men’, as in plural?”

Amber looked like she had seen a ghost as Nao looked her up and down, daring her to spill another word. Cassie took the dare.

“Nao, that’s not true! And even if it was it’s none of your business you nosy little cunt.”

“Don’t get me started on you Cassie. We all remember that time you sucked off Bryson Kidd, for a bag of hot Cheetos and a kiwi strawberry Arizona.” She said as she twisted her neck to look at Cassie’s mortified expression. Then her eyes traveled, landing on Jasmine, who shook her head as if to say she didn’t want any part of this.

Nao let her be, then turned to address the rest of the room, “Anyone else?” She asked, gruff voice now coated in honey. She continued her scan around the shop, trying to bait people. This was fun for her, she knew they were scared. They knew she was a revered tech major, at the top of her class. Her know-how with computers wasn’t the reason she knew about Amber though. She wasn’t invasive like people thought she was. She was just quiet and observant.

Nao continued her rant, “Are we all forgetting that Edward Stark has slept with at least half the women in this room alone? Mind you while he and Y/N were still in a relationship.” She looked around, disappointed in her peers. She caused some of the women in question to avert their judgy gazes away from you, mumbling profanities about Nao being a snoopy bitch. Nao turned back to Amber, who was still hot from embarrassment. “Where were your words of judgment then Amber?” She said leaning in to whisper in her ear. “Oops my bad. I shouldn’t expect you to say anything to him while his cock is stuffed down your throat.”

The light pink that dusted Amber’s cheeks, deepened to a crimson that spread across her entire face and neck. She huffed, and turned on her feet to excuse herself from the cafe, Cassie and Jasmine both hot on her trail.

When they were gone, the conversations around you picked up again as people tried not to stare.

Nao, finally turned her attention towards you. The smile you sported throughout her entire show dissipated as you realized she was about to tear into you now. She stepped closer, and closer to you, instantly making you shy away. When she was close enough to examine the pores on your face, she took out a crinkled 10 dollar bill, that she handed to the cashier. “I’ve got this one.” She declared, smiling in reference to your strawberry shortcake. The clerk handed her the bag, which she handed to you before taking a step back. You could tell she struggled with personal space.

“Thank you” You start. “But why did you do that?”

She knew you were referring to Amber. “You never bother anyone Y/N. You’re always so nice. If you ever need me, just give me a call.” She motioned to your phone, “May I?”

“Oh yea, sure.” You say, before handing her your unlocked device so she could type in her number. While she input her contact information, you took advantage of the temporary distraction to really survey her features.

She was Japanese, you remembered that from the icebreaker you had in a shared class a year ago. Brown freckles, that looked like constellations were sprinkled along her rosy cheeks. Long lashes, fluttered every time she opened her eyes to blink. And as mentioned before, she had pink hair, a wavy pixie cut to be exact, that sat on her head like a fluffy cloud. She was tall, but not as tall as Amber. Lanky, with long limbs. Bushy black eyebrows sat above her honey brown eyes. Her nose was so small, you wondered how she could breathe out of it. She, like Amber, was very pretty, only in a “non-traditional” way.

You had a girl-crush. You were giddy by the fact that a strong woman came to your aid, batting for you like that. When she looked back up at you, you realized you were staring, so you ripped yourself out of your daze of admiration. “Thank you again. Also thank you for this!” You exclaimed, lifting up the brown goody bad.

“Its no problem. Enjoy it. It’s almost as sweet as you.” She smiled at you widely before turning to leave.

What a great way to start off your Monday.

__________________________________________________________________

“Tony I’m back!” You called throughout the house. Your echo was the only thing to greet you back. Must not be home. You thought to yourself.

You sit your keys in the dish next to the door, kicking your shoes off, deciding to worry about them later. Grabbing yourself a bottle of wine, and a glass to pour it in , you drift into the living room. You take your seat in your favorite chair, ready to kick your feet up and relax.

“Hi.” Pepper says behind you, making you spill your grown-up juice on the seat beside you, as well as on Tony’s equally expensive rug. You knew that neat-freak was gonna lose his shit.

“Pepper!” You squeal, “Why didn’t you say anything when I called out earlier?!”

“I didn’t want to startle you.” She explained rushing to grab some club soda and a dish rag from the kitchen.

“How is this any better?!” You yell, as she reenters the room, falling to the rug to clean out the stains. She threw you a spare cloth and handed you the soda to tackle the spreading splotch on the couch.

“I don’t know! Give me a break for at least trying.”

“How did you even get in here?” You ask, vigorously scrubbing into the fibers of the couch.

“Y/N, I used to live here.” You abruptly stopped as she continued. At the mention of it, you cringed at how awkward this might have been for Pepper. You were Tony’s new plaything, while she was his old one. Not to mention the fact that you also had been with her son.

“I forgot.” You sigh, before apologizing. “I’m sorry for all of this Pepper. This must be really strange for you.” The spot on the couch was now faint, so you abandoned your previous efforts.

Satisfied with the removal of her designated stain as well, Pepper stood from her knees to occupy the seat opposite to you. “Nonsense dear.” She replied, giving you a tight smile. “Sit, please.”

“Where’s Tony?” You ask as you do as she says. She must have some idea, since she was here but he wasn’t.

“On his way to get this article pulled. I can imagine he’ll want to confront Edward as well.” Pepper informed you, crossing her legs to get comfortable. You let out a huff of air, seeing as the last time they saw each other, it didn’t end quite well. “Speaking of Edward, he’s the reason I’ve come to see you. We have to talk about this.”

“Not to be blunt Pepper, but what else is there to talk about? Everyone already knows about it, how much worse could it get?”

“That’s the thing. It will only get worse if you two continue your affair. Edward is talking about filing an injunction against Tony. He could lose his position as CEO of Stark Industries.” You eyed her in disbelief. You knew Edward was capable of being vindictive, just not this much.

“Can he really do that? Is what I have with Tony that serious?” You were genuinely concerned.

“Ordinarily CEO’s don’t get removed because of their personal relationships, but because you and Tony have something different, I believe Edward has a fighting chance.” She paused to exhale as she surveyed your features. “Tony’s face is plastered everywhere in the world. He is Stark Industries, and a lot of his success comes from his fame. To be associated with such a scandal could prove very harmful to the future of this company.” She finished.

Just like Edward worked hard to prove himself to Tony, Tony worked harder to prove himself to Howard Stark. He risked everything, putting his all into Stark Industries. Erasing the blemish of its past with weapons of mass destruction, he had successfully turned it into a clean, and sustainable energy industry that had proven just as, if not more, successful than its predecessor. He also dabbled in AI, robotics, and non-lethal ways to disarm enemies. You would not be the reason that all got thrown away. Still you couldn’t help the sinking feeling in your gut.

“So I have to just stop seeing Tony?” You asked, internally pulling yourself together.

“I wish I could say it was that easy, Y/N. But we both know Tony won’t just stop seeing you.”

“So what do you suggest I do?” You asked her now slightly agitated.

She sensed your irritation, but elected to ignore it, opting to continue her use of a soothing voice instead. “I understand you have an internship in France. I’m also sure that Tony, knows about it. Correct?”

“Yes. What about it?” You ignore the fact that she knows this despite not telling her. You had long given up on how Pepper acquired her information. Perhaps Edward had mentioned it, but you couldn’t see why it would be of interest to him.

“Well Tony can’t know where you’re going. So how would you feel if I told you, I could pull some strings to get you an all-expense paid internship somewhere else?”

“What’s the catch?” You ask sighing. This was all too much to process.

“Instead of leaving in May, you’ll have to start preparing things now. You’ll need to leave as soon as possible so that you can get settled in by next week.” She quickly replied.

“Next week?” You gasp. “That doesn’t give me enough time to prepare. What about my course-load and credits? And my family, my friends? What would I tell them?”

“I already have everything handled.” She said raising her hands in a ‘calm-down’ kind of way. “Also, if you decide to leave you’ll need a place to stay for the time-being. I would offer my home, but Tony is too smart to not look there. You’ll need to stay somewhere he won’t find you until we can get you shipped out.”

Is she for real? You thought to yourself. “Wait, you’re really serious about getting me to leave.” You say, through a pained chuckle.

“This is what’s best.” She simply replied, pursing her lips.

“What do you get out of this Pepper?” You ask deciding now was the perfect moment to let your frustration boil over. “I mean, Tony is your ex, and I am the on who cheated on your son with said ex. You should be happy that Edward is about to ruin us. Why should I trust you?”

“Well first, let’s have the Tony conversation, it clearly makes you feel guilty.” She said drawing in a sharp breath. “His and my relationship was over before it even started. We were supposed to remain friends instead of lovers, but we ruined that with marriage. There are no hard feelings, so I don’t care who he’s with, even if it’s you. Now, on to Edward.”

She sat up in her chair to clasp her hands around her knee. “I am the reason he is the way he is. And for that, I apologize. In all honesty Y/N, I always liked you. I saw myself in you, and I still said nothing as I let him ruin you. I felt that you would be good for him. I ignored the fact that he wasn’t good for you. Guilt has consumed me, and the only way I see fit to redeem myself is to do my part in making sure he doesn’t ruin his father and you. I am trying to help.”

You wanted to believe her, but you still had your doubts. “How do I know this is all the truth? This whole injunction thing could be a ploy to get me out of the picture.”

Her patience was thinning. “If you want to risk it, then go right ahead. But don’t forget who you’re dealing with here. Edward has promised to stop if you leave. At least this way, everyone gets to keep what they worked so hard for. That article can do serious damage to your future career and Tony’s current one. And Edward will not stop until he’s satisfied.”

At this point Pepper had said all that she came to say. So she stood to leave, but not before saying one last thing. “Tony doesn’t know I’m here. I’d like to keep it that way. Also, you don’t have much time to think about this one dear. The longer you stay, the more you risk. Contact me once you’ve made your decision”

You looked at her with your eyes full of sorrow. Pepper’s eyes could only offer you sympathy. You really wanted to believe she was telling the truth. But if she was, you had a lot to think about. You wished someone else could make the decision for you.

__________________________________________________________________

“Sweetheart!” Tony shouted, voice booming off of the walls. “Did you spill something on the rug?!Wait the fucking couch too!”

How the hell did he see that, we scrubbed the shit out of those stains. You think to yourself, without answering him.

You could hear him as he stomped up the stairs, searching the rooms to find the one you were in. He found you in the laundry room, folding his and your clothes. “We have a housekeeper you know.” He reminded as he leaned against the doorway amused by the sight before him.

“She’s a little weird, I saw her admiring my panties.” You answered weakly.

He shook his head, as if you were the one being absurd. “That’s not weird, I do it all the time. Anyway, did you spill wine downstairs?”

“Yea sorry.” You reply. He could tell you were a bit off, since you didn’t laugh at his joke. You hadn’t even looked at him since he arrived.

“Are you okay?” He asks stepping a bit closer.

“I’m fine.” You responded, absentmindedly folding one of his shirts.

“You’re lying.” He stated, pretty sure of himself. “If this is about the article, I got the publisher to pull it. It’s gonna be played off like a rumor.”

“It’s not about the article.” You sigh.

“So it is something. What is it?” He pressed, placing a hand over your folding ones to get them to stop

You knew he wasn’t going to give up, so you decided to just get it over with. “I had a talk with Pepper today.”

“Not this shit again.” He grumbled dropping his hands to exit the room.

“Tony listen. She made a few good points.” You say following him as he strides away to his bedroom.

“I don’t care about the points she’s made Y/N. I told you that you have nothing to worry about.” He countered, sounding exhausted. He had been exhausted since that night with Edward.

“If that’s true then why did you go see Edward today?”

“Who told you that?” He asked, spinning around to eye you suspiciously

“You just did.” You watched his face change from curiosity to awe. It was rare for you to outsmart him. “If you’re not worried, why were you there.”

He turned back around to loosen his tie, before saying “I don’t have to have this conversation right now.”

You exhaled loudly, frustrated with his stubbornness. “Either we have this conversation now, or we never have it.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” He asked in an amused tone.

“It means, you should say all you want to say to me now, before I leave.” You answered. This got him to turn back around and face you.

“Before you leave? What kind of bullshit has Pepper been spewing now?”

You pause and think before saying another word. You had already said too much. He wasn’t supposed to know you were leaving, let alone that Pepper was even here. If you were gonna do this though, you didn’t want any words left unsaid. That was your reasoning behind what you would say next. “She thinks it’s best if I leave.”

“Leave? For what?” He asked closing the distance between you.

“Edward is calling for your removal as head of Stark Industries.

“Oh that? I'm not worried about that. Like I said, it’s another tantrum and it will blow over.” He stated, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Your son throws huge tantrums Tony. And this one doesn’t seem like its gonna just blow over. This is really serious, and Pepper feels like he has a fighting chance.” You state, ignoring his fingers that wandered along your skin. He always tried to use sex to take your mind off of things.

“A fighting chance? On the grounds of what? That I stole his little girlfriend.” He teased, grabbing your lower back to pepper kisses along your neckline.

“Quit it, this is serious.” You whined, shoving him off of you.

Sighing from both rejection and frustration, Tony lowly replies “It’s really not.”

“You know what, maybe not to you, but I will not let you throw away your entire legacy. I’m leaving so you don’t mess your life up.” You bite, frustrated with his indifference. You began making your way to your old room to go and pack your things.

You were almost in the door until Tony harshly gripped your wrist, whipping you around to face him. “Who are you to make that decision for me? Huh? You don’t know a fucking a thing about this.” He barked, tone getting more aggressive the longer he spoke. “Who cares about Edward and his little temper-tantrums. Even if he takes the company, at the end of the day, I’m still filthy, fucking, rich. And if I wanna have you, I’m gonna have you. You’re mine. No one else is gonna tell me different.” He spat.

“Let go,” you said, flinging your wrist free of his grip. Once free, you immediately began to back away. Tony’s glare weakened once he realized how badly he overreacted. He had began to succumb to all the stress that this was all causing him. He took it out on you, which he immediately regretted. You would be a damn liar though, if you said hearing him speak that way didn’t make you sexually frustrated. But you had a face to uphold in that moment. He needed to think you were mad at him. “What happened to me not belonging to anyone? You think because you’re ‘filthy, fucking’ rich’ you can just make me yours?”

Tony let his guilt show, “Kitten, you know that’s not what I meant.”

“Goodnight Tony.” You say, as you slink in to your old room, the one you and Edward used to share.

“Wait, please.” He begged, taking a step forward.

You slammed the door shut before he could reach inside, sliding down the cool wood until you reached the floor. He began knocking against the door, pleading with you to open it so that you could talk things out. Tony was not a man in need of much, so to hear desperation overtake his emotions left you wrecked.

You immediately began sobbing into your shirt, doing your best to muffle your cries. You did not want to leave, but you could not be the reason his life’s work got flushed down the drain.

He would be over you in no time. You would get over him as well. That’s what you had to keep telling yourself as you texted Pepper your decision to leave.

__________________________________________________________________

Jerking awake after your fight, you realized that the sun had gone down. You checked your phone, and saw that it was almost time for you to leave. Pepper would be over to pick you up soon, so you quietly got up to pack, careful not to alert Tony if he was near.

You packed light. Very light. Everything fit into a bag that you could carry over your shoulder. You were only taking the things you felt absolutely necessary, like your toothbrush, underwear, a few outfits, and anything else that you could fit into the small bag. Pepper insured that she would take care of the rest. You informed of her of your fight with Tony. She was disappointed that you let him know you were leaving but she expected it from you, which is why she never told you exactly where you were going.

You had to stay with someone else until your departure, because it would be easier to keep the secret of your destination away from Tony among other things. Now the problem lied in where you would stay. He knew all of your friends. He had even met some of your closest family members through Edward. And as Pepper mentioned before, you couldn’t stay with her, because it would be one of the first places he checked. You thought of Samuel and Elise from your favorite restaurant, but decided against them because you didn’t know where they stayed, nor did you have any way of contacting them.

Maybe Nao. You thought, before shaking the idea out of your head as quickly as it came. There is no way she would let me, we just met and she didn’t mean her offer literally.

But if she didn’t mean it, she wouldn’t of given me her number. Plus, Tony doesn’t know her, so she’s perfect. You silently debated with yourself. You were desperate so you shot her a text pleading your case. You gnawed at the inside of your cheek. You weren’t one to really ask people big favors like this one, so you were nervous.

Nao replied back not even two minutes later, offering you an invitation to bunk with her for as long as you needed. You immediately shot her a thank you and continued your packing.

You had to move quickly before you changed your mind. Everything that Tony got for you would remain here. Not having much money to your name, you could have sold it and made yourself a pretty coin, but that wasn’t the type of woman you were. Besides all of it meant so much to you, everything had sentimental value, just because he had given it to you. You decided to display every single thing he ever got for you on the bed and floor. The shoes, the lace, the bags, clothes, etc. When you came across the jewelry that he got you, it proved to be a challenge. Every one he had purchased on very special occasions, like your birthday, Christmas…Valentine’s Day. You thought when you came across the destroyed remains of the Cartier bracelet he got for you that day. ‘My heart belongs to you, T.S.’ You wanted to take it. You desperately wanted to take it to have something that reminded you of him, but seeing as the small plaque itself probably cost him thousands you decided to leave it. Rubbing the cold metal between your fingers one last time, you set it down.

You thought to leave your phone. Tony had it replaced it for you when you lost it in Italy on one of your trips. You weren’t certain about whether or not he would trace it if he was really desperate. Okay now I’m being ridiculous. He doesn’t care about me that much, you thought, before placing the device back in your pocket now heading to the door.

Even while touching the knob you were careful. Making the slightest sound could set him off to your presence. He was a pretty light sleeper unless he was blackout drunk, so you weren’t wrong for your caution. Turning it slowly, opening the door even slower, you slipped through it once it was wide enough.

“Y/N” you heard him murmur from behind you. At the sound of his voice you stifled a squeal of surprise. When you turned to confront him, determined to make your case for leaving, your eyes had to travel down to the floor where he resided. You saw him fast asleep, back against your doorway. Had he been there since your fight? Your thoughts were interrupted when you saw the flashing of lights outside, signaling that Pepper was there. You were starting to unravel. Tears did not threaten to leave your eyes, they promised. As they spilled down your cheeks you shook them away along with your weak thoughts. The sight of Tony at your doorstep almost made you drop your bags and forget all your previous worries.

Almost.

A/N: Please do not claim my work as your own. Please leave a comment, a like, and reblog, it honestly really means the world to me when I get comments.

#tony stark angst #tony stark x reader #Tony stark imagine #black reader #age gap imagine #Tony stark smut #marvel smut

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stonerbughead · 4 years

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Maria watches friday night lights (#33)

I’m back, I’m back! So here’s what happened...I watched 5x10 on October 1, never edited my note about it, then ended up taking an inadvertent break from watching until now. Idk why, but i needed a break from like...watching tv i hadn’t seen before. Anyone else have that habit of watching things you’ve already seen when you’re going through an anxious period? Starting a new job in the same month as the 2020 presidential election fit the bill, and i wanted to really immerse myself in the final three episodes of this amazing show properly so i decided to wait until i was feeling it! Anyway to the like three people who enjoy my recaps, i hope you enjoy these last four recaps.

So without further ado, aforementioned Oct 1 recap, now edited and underneath the cut:

5x10 yoooo I have never been so amused by Buddy Garrity in my life + TIM so here we go:

TIM RIGGINS RETURNS?! Yay!!! (This is my reaction just from seeing him in the “previously on.”)

Eric’s getting recruited at a ~fancy~ restaurant! Oh shitttt

“That, right there, marks the end of the East Dillon Lions football program led by Coach Eric Taylor.” “...It’s a crate of oranges.” “Yeah, and it’s from the sunshine state. From Florida! And that can only mean one thing—year round sunshine and college funding.” Lmao alarmist Buddy is hilarious and actually not wrong here. Lol incredulous Levi: “you got all that from a crate of oranges?!”

#OperationGetTimOut!! Is Eric going to speak for him as a character witness?

I *knew* that phone call from Oklahoma Tech wasn’t gonna be good. Ohhhhh Vince you should’ve listened to Eric~~~

Oh shit everyone’s buzzing about “losing their kingmaker” and it’s playoff time! Love a good car radio scene. “So how was it honey, are we moving to Florida?” Lol

“Dad, maybe we should just talk to Coach. I need to be focused on this game on Friday night, getting my spot back.” Yes Vince stand up for yourself, take a break from those meetings! I am fearful of his dad’s true reaction tho.

“Expelling Epyck, that was a good start.” Omfg some of these teachers are too cruel! That is a severely traumatized child, ma’am!

“Impromptu speeches...” “Impromptu means not planned, Buddy.” “Okay, then promptu.” I’M LIVING for these Buddy and Levi interactions omg hilarious.

“A man can’t leave if you erect a statue in his honor.” “A plaque?” “You got money for that?!” I cannot omfgggg Levi and Buddy should take this show on the road!

Tami’s “Oh Levi you are too much.” That’s a nice way to say “fuck you” for making her take a personal day to go speak on a panel he TOLD her she’s speaking at? Smh this is why staff needs unions.

Lmao Buddy is being so extra with Eric, I can’t

...and enter Billy, here to ask Eric a favor...

“Tim Riggins? One of the best fullbacks in the great state of Texas? The boy my girl fell in love with? Yeah I’ll do that.” Damn Buddy has a crush on Tim Riggins too!! I get it dude same.

“I believe in loyalty, Billy. Sticking with your people, through good and bad.” SO EXTRA LMAO

“Hey coach you going to Florida?” “I was planning on going home and I suggest you do too, Tinker.” Ugh poor Eric having to deal with all of these rumors and the team being endlessly curious right before the playoffs!

Awww Tami’s excited about the Florida houses. “Three years with a two year option.” Damn. Aw the way that Eric looks at Tami and you know he wants to give her everything she wants 🥺

Omggg now Buddy is making the players talk up Eric Taylor 😂 his scheming truly kills me

Becky and Luke tossing a football, so precious!

Ah, there’s more to life than college football, Luke! “No one wants me.” “I want you.” Aww Becky.

Aw Billy is getting so frustrated trying to write his speech for Tim. “It sounds ridiculous.” “No it doesn’t. You’re a good brother.” Oh Mindy 🥺 fuck prisonssss he should not feel like his words have so much bearing on his brother’s literal freedom!

Yes to Vince going to Eric and agreeing to earn his way back! That’s the Vince we know and love!

I love Eric telling Tami about Tim’s parole hearing. “You going to do it?” “You bet i’m going to do it.” My heart! The way there’s no question about it 🥺

Andddd Vince’s dad predictably refuses to let up with the recruiters. But this time Vince is standing up to him!

Yesss Vince, walk away! Especially after his dad yelled at him like that; this is not your life, it’s Vince’s!

“Don’t whack her. Just a little love tap.” LMAO Luke, Tinker, Becky, and a pig. Luke is giving Tinker pageant advice for Tinker at a competition with the pig?? I can’t, that’s weirdly so cute. Becky clearly finds it cute.

Omg Tim in his all-white prison uniform I HATE THISSS

OMGGGG “I don’t want Billy to speak, he’s done enough damage.” Fuck this is gonna fuck Billy UP. But also fair...I mean, Billy DOES tend to be a fuck up?? Isn’t that how we got here?

Yessss Tami going off explaining that standardized testing isn’t the end all be all!!

“what would you have us do, meet with every kind in the state?” “Yes I would.” to a round of applause. GO OFF QUEEN TAMI TAYLOR

Yes Coach Taylor! Give us one of your epic speeches!

Poor Tim looks like he has a lot of self hatred sitting here listening to Eric talking about him 🥺

“I asked him to be an assistant coach because of his character off the field.” YES

lol Buddy Garrity getting up to speak even tho he’s not on the list 🤣

“He’s like family to me.” OH BUDDYYYY he’s coming through with a full time job for Tim when he comes out?????? Tim’s smile of relief.

“It’s time for you to let Tim Riggins come home.” YESSSSS

AW Tim sent Eric letters from prison?? My poor babe. “I’m sorry I didn’t visit more.” “I’m sorry I let you down.” “You didn’t and that’s not why I’m here.” IM EMOTIONAL

Holy shit Vince’s dad is STILL not letting up? “I’m your father. I know what’s right.” “that is enough! Get off his back!” “He needs a father, not an agent!” YES REGINA GO OFFFFF she finally snapped!

(It’s wild how Coach possibly leaving is being used in this fight in Vince’s family. Oh, Dillon!)

Oh shit Billy is yelling at both Becky and Mindy, clearly very affected by what Tim said at his parole hearing. “You did everything you could and that makes all the difference.” Aww Mindy, and Billy apologized! Too much stress for such a young family! Also unrelated but Mindy looks mad hot for the athletic banquet.

Awww I love getting to see the other teams stand up. Yeah cross country, yes girls volleyball!!!

Man, playing a sport in Texas that’s not football must suck, look at that insane applause for football vs. weak for everyone else

Buddy giving Gracie a lil t-shirt and saying, “clear eyes, full hearts...you know it?” And they’re all like “can’t...lose” and Gracie giggles! Ok that’s cute af

Omg the tension between Jess and Vince!! “Jess, I miss you. I miss you.” 🥺 aw yeah she blew him off for her brothers

Wow they made it to the playoffs for the first time in 25 years?? Well here comes Buddy’s All Hail Eric Taylor pageant. Lmao

Awww these heartfelt addresses from the team members on how much Eric Taylor has changed their lives??? Manipulative, Buddy, really. He knows what he’s doing.

Yesss Eric, give Tami that massage. See y’all, this is what being a good man looks like.

“It had the desired effect. It sure made you think twice about leaving Dillon.” “It’s a hell of an offer. I’d own that building. They have funding.” “Mmm and oranges. Don’t forget about oranges.” “Mmm that pool.” They wanna leave.

“You know what I want more than anything right now? I wanna bring these boys to state.” “I know you do.” “They deserve it.” “I know they do. But after you do that, this offer is something to think about. Because you deserve that.” Ugh I know I say it a lot but since we’re in the final four episodes now and I’m mostly talking into the void anyway — god, what a model of a wonderful and gentle and loving and communicative marriage! I am continually floored!

Becky with cowboy boots at Luke’s farm works. And ooh Luke’s mom said hi to her?? Progress!!

Aw they’re talking about how pretty they find Luke’s farm as he tries to imagine a future here in Dillon. “I have an amazing imagination. I see your next game, and you’re winning.” Awww Becky is such a cute girlfriend.

What a cute shot of Luke and Becky on the farm, “you ever think you could imagine living on a farm?” “Sure.” AWWW

Vince at Eric’s door on game day?!!! He’s asking Eric not to take the offer to Shane State when he’s supposed to already be at the field house!?!

“Having you as a coach is one of the best things to happen to me. I don’t know where I’d be without you. Either in jail or in a ditch somewhere.” Damn forget Buddy this shit is from the HEART

Eric tells him to get in the damn car and tells him he’s starting!! “You know what your problem is? You ask too many damn questions.”

AHHHHH TIM IS HOME! Showered in a flannel! My heart! He salutes Becky with a beer!

Aww Billy is so excited to have his brother home.

It seems uneasy in the home. Coming back from prison is hard.

And here they go, heading onto the bus with signs and cheers!

“I’ll tell you, this is an away game, but you look around here at the community tonight and the young players that I have playing for me, and the character they got—no matter where this community goes, that’s home.”

Damn Eric just announced he was planning to stay home in Dillon to the press. “you’re full of surprises, aren’t you?” says Tami. “I love you.” and with the FNL theme song playing aghkliyb I’m not ready for the final three episodes ahhh!!!

#maria watches friday night lights #mine #friday night lights 5x10

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piet-ra · 4 years

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Here are my thoughts on the whole supernatural thingy:

(Spoilers for spn and she-ra i guess)

I don't know if I'm happy for it even existing, if I'm mad at the writers for not doing it sooner, if I'm mad at myself for being slightly pleased that the bare minimum exists when we clearly deserve so much more.

But mostly I think I'm just annoyed and angry. My devotion to the fandom and the show died many years ago and now I just casually read something here and there about the show. Even though I watched 9 seasons non-stop and was a very dedicated Destiel shipper.(and yes Carry on my wayward song is still great and now I can associate it with the actual developed gay couple of Carry on - Rainbow Rowell) So, when I heard "Destiel is Canon" it felt like I never left seeing how excited I was. Then, I was surprised. I felt like it came out of fucking nowhere. And very late at that. I go watch the rest show. Surprise surprise it did come out of nowhere. I had a hard time processing it. And now Imma lay down my reasoning behind being mad even though no one actually gives a shit.

First, right out of the gate, what pisses me off is the lack of actual build up. Yes, the fans have been calling it for years. But the fans were also searching for breadcrumbs due to a lack of representation. Fans were projecting and trying to find subtext. I was one of them. Never there was explicit enough reasons to canonically think they were a thing or would ever become one. And now the writers went there and gave us a feeling of false vindication by saying "you were right all along, we were dropping hints" when it has certainly not been the case. I doubt (like rly rly doubt) that their intention when writing spn back then was to make destiel a thing. They hadn't even planned for half the shit that went down but y'all want me to believe destiel of all things was the exception? Meh. But even if I'm being really generous and giving them the benefit of the doubt, it still stands that they could have done it a long long time ago. Which takes me to the second reason why I'm mad.

The timing is ridiculously convenient for the writers. The show has been running for FIFTEEN years, it has FIFTEEN seasons and they choose the third to last episode to make it happen? And then HE DIES AND IS SENT TO MEGA HELL after confesssing his gay feelings??? With only two more episodes left, I'll let you wager on how much of actual destiel we'll get. That is, if Dean EVER reciprocates, because it was not explicit at all.(c'mon Jensen, you can do better than that) The dying thing is a massive problem, but not as much as when it happens. Because this is still supernatural and everyone has died and come back to life at least five hundred thousand times before. They could have kept the scene as it was, only a few seasons before. Then we'd actually have decent moments of consequence to the confession, conflict, build up to an actual romantic relationship if they did not mean for it to be one sided, dean confronting his feelings and all that jazz. But no, we get the bare minimum and after this the show ends if people are upset about it, they will no longer have to deal with that shit.

Even though they knew destiel was immensely popular in the fandom for AGES, it seems that now that some popular lgbtq+ couples/shows have arisen and have been received (mostly) positively, they wanted to jump in the band wagon, but not so much that it would anger their straight prejudiced viewers. Cw shows, huh? It's like we're doing it, but we're not committing to it. And if you don't like it, we have already milked everything from you anyways, cause y'know the show is ending in a couple of weeks. AND WHAT IS WORSE. If Destiel didn't happen, I don't think it would be a Sherlock case where something feels off and weird and the lack of it feels forced. Since Dean has been stablished since the beginning as liking women and all indication of otherwise can fall under plausible deniability and fans reading too much into it, I don't really think they would receive big amounts backlash for not doing it or be criticized for it. Fans really have resigned themselves years ago that Destiel wouldn't ever happen. And if they are doing it just to avoid backlash is bad, but if not, then why? To make the show relevant again by trending Destiel? To play on the popularity of the ship? Idk and Idc. They can have the bestest of intentions, but it was done poorly. And now, since the lack of build up is a problem, it - and it reallly pains me to say this - feels forced/aka censored. (I hate myself right now for saying this aaaaaaaaaaaaaa).

It is not good representation. (And seeing as my tumblr is basically she-ra focused, I'm anticipating people saying that that also happens in she-ra. But when the show has never shied away from representation, good casual represation, like having two dads, two moms, a married lesbian couple, a non-binary character amongst other things, I can't find it in me to say it does not have good representation. And the characters only getting together at the end fits their development and personality. And we had a whole season to develop them coming to terms with loving the person who's supposed to be your enemy, but was once your best friend and now fights alongside you and you now realized you love. Supernatural feels like fucking pandering.)

However, it is kinda maybe sorta representation still. And - that depends on how they play it out on the next two episodes - I don't feel it is particularly damaging(except the mega hell thibgy, but again, it is spn); It was not advertised as an lgbtq+ show nor used the couple to promote their season, so yeah kay fine, I'm still gonna laugh at ya.

So, having already had a weak spot for Destiel in the first place, I can't stop feeling a bit happy that at least Cas fessed up and we might get something. It can't be used as a example of great representation, but I'm not mad the ship exists. I'm just really really mad at how it was done.(not only because y'know, I'm queer, but also because the fans and the couple deserve better.)

#spn #destiel #dean x castiel #castiel #dean winchester #supernatural

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calocera · 4 years

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SPOILERS FOR CATS 2019, here’s my hot takes and opinions

be warned, THIS IS LOOOONG

First off my overall opinion, i LITERALLY cannot say whether it was good or bad, like lots of critics say it just...is beyond that. It’s VERY fun and that’s all I can bring myself to say, I have LOTS of problems with it but I can’t even say that they make the movie bad. It is definitely worth watching

OPINIONS ON CHARACTERS:

Victoria: she’s good! I appreciate that they kinda left her personality blank other than her innocence since that’s pretty much how she always was, still not super thrilled with her as a main character but franchesca did the best she could

Munkustrap: I loved him! he was more of a main character than I would have expected, but they STILL cut all the charm from his lines... why do I love him then? Robbie fairchild did AMAZING background acting, whenever he was in frame he was always doing something SUPER munkustrap-y and making cute dad faces. he was dealt bad lines but he worked around it best he could. Also his legs were normal so...epic fail

Mistoffelees: 😒😒😒😒😒🤢🤢🤮 disappointed but not at all surprised...he was just a Woobie, a softboy uwu nice guy. I felt like I was seeing fanon 2013 loki in cat form. THEY MADE HIS SONG A SADBOY PITY PARTY SONG...WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THE 11 O’CLOCK NUMBER SLOW AND SAD???? Where is the smug little shit who’s vague and aloof yet confident and joyous? He was murdered by his evil homophobic shadow clone. I’m not even gunna indulge the fact that him and Victoria were a thing, I’ll go over that later. He also just constantly looked like the crying cat meme his eyes were so red and watery it was horrifying, yet somehow he wasn’t the worst character , that leads us too.....

tugger: what.the.fuck.did.you.do.to.this.boy. HE GOT THE TREATMENT I EXPECTED FOR MUNKUSTRAP! HE WAS DEMOTED TO BACKGROUND CHARACTER! not only did he not sing mr. mistoffelees, he literally did nothing other than his song, he never interacted with ANY characters besides jenny in 1 scene. I know cats has no set main characters but he’s undoubtedly one of the most important characters and he’s like...the least important named character in the movie. ALSO Jason Derulo was not sexy at all. There was NO hip thrusting NO sexy meowing NO glamrock, he was just an asshole and if I hadn’t already seen the original I would have either completely forgotten about his character or though he was the worst character. I’m so fucking angy I cannot express.

Girzzabella: ngl I expected better. Her acting was great but with the horrible effects I couldnt get invested but I’ll touch on the effects later. Her singing was good, but I expected it to carry the movie and it wasn’t at all the best song in the movie, I’d say she’s about as good as I expected she’d be but the movie itself was more enjoyable than I expected so she was less significant

Old d: she was fine, she LOOKED the part definitely, she didn’t have as large a presence as ken page but I wouldnt expect that of her. Her singing wasn’t the greatest though, her voice is fine by it’s just NOT suited to old d’s songs. I would have preferred she play a female gus bc her voice is very sweet and frail, not at all built for belting like her songs required.

Macavity: he’s just...eh. He’s basically a comic relief villain which sucks. He does practically nothing besides kidnap people, say a cheesy line, and act like a caricature of a 90s cartoon villain (and not one of the fun ones) like theres a scene where he poofs away and when he does it he goes, MACAvityyyyyyy and fades away its so unintentionally funny but it just makes him so lame as a villain. not to mention he doesnt even die at the end or get any satisfying conclusion he just gets stuck on top of a statue and his powers suddenly stop working (for some reason??)

Bombalurina: fuck that, I am simultaneously glad she only was in the macavity number bc fuck off Taylor Swift but also disappointed bc she deserved so much better.

Bustopher: 😟 never in my darkest nightmares did I think I’d see bustopher Jones deepthroat multiple crayfish but here we are. Somehow THIS was the most sexual song, I cannot begin to name the fetishes checked off by this performance bc itd hit word limit. Let me just say that I said multiple times out loud, “damn bustopher kinda a freak with it 😏😏” like I CANNOT stress how weirdly sexual it gets. And ofc its all otherwise just haha funney fat guy eat food and burp and fall down. He also breaks the fourth wall a few times which like, fuck you

Jenny: exactly what was shown in the trailer. Unfunny fat jokes and slapstick humor. Also they focused WAY too many shots on her cat pussy and I wish I was making that up. Also of note is that the cgi on the rats and cockroaches are drastically worse than the rest of the movie, like not just bad designs the effects are BAD. also they translated they whole gumbie cat fur-shedding as her wearing fake skin over her outfit which would be fine but UHH the fake fur is skin tight??? so it literally looks like shes ripping off her skin and she does it multiple times its fucking terrifying

Mungojerrie and rumpelteazer: meh, they are fine as characters, not quite as energetic as I would have liked but they didn’t massively fuck anything up? The song was horrible, they went against the beat for...some reason? Like it’s a song with a very distinct rhythm and they split up the lyrics so weirdly. I liked that they followed through with the lore of them working for macavity

Skimbleshanks: YES YESSSSSSSSSS HOLY FUCKING SHIT 💗💕💖💞💜😳😳😳😳😳😳😳💜💛🧡💚💖❤️💗 i absolutely CANNOT express how good skimbleshanks made me feel. He looks like a leather daddy with his chains and suspenders and hat and stache, I hate that I’m saying this but uh...mr skimbleshanks sir😳 we were actually screaming it was so fucking good. Watching this movie was worth it just for skimble. Unironically. I’m listening to the song as we speak. It was kinda weird that they moved the tap dancing to this song but that’s more of a detractor from Jennie’s and a plus side to skimbles since it’s good tap

Gus: good! Ian did a good job of course, no one doubted that he would.

Growltiger and griddlebone: not racist but still absolutely horrifying. One of the worst parts of the movie, I actually got squeamish looking at griddlebone a few times that’s how bad she looks

Everyone else: not that good. I couldn’t tell who was who, all their personalities were annoying, I’m on imdb as we speak trying to figure out who even was supposed to be who. Demeter is completely butchered and jemima just isn’t there, doesn’t sing her part, it all sucked man.

Tech talk:

CGI: okay so here’s the thing, the effects are good. GREAT even, the issue is how fucking horrible the designs are. The lack of cat nose, mouth, and hairy cheeks makes them all look disgusting. Also the feet. Holy fuck why do they have feet. THERES A FUCKING SCENE WHERE TUGGER GRABS VICTORIAS FOOT AND SNIFFS IT. IT LASTS LIKE 5 SECONDS. Old Deuteronomy, Gus, and Cassandra (bc she was already bald) are the only characters I’d say look anywhere close to decent, grizabella looks okay in profile but head on it’s all horrible again. its really such a shame bc the sets are gorgeous! i really hope this movie gets some form of recognition for its sets.

the editing and directing was DOGSHITTTTTTT there are SO many scenes where characters just teleport or parts where people are singing and no ones mouths are moving its really distracting

Other things:

it’s OBVIOUS that the critics calling this movie horny have never seen the original. I’d definitely say the movie is LESS HORNY than the play. It IS however waaaaaaay more uncomfortable with its hornieness, so I’d say in that regard YES, the horny stuff is much more gratuitous and off putting despite there being an overall smaller amount than the play. ie everything bustopher jones does

They changed a BUNCH of lyrics for some reason?? Like they cut verses which I understand but there are like a handful of lyrics in almost every song they just...change. like...okay? All changing lyrics is gunna do is make people who knew the songs frustrated when they can’t sing along

the dancing was incredible! shame the cg just fucking invalidates all of it bc your mind doesnt register it as real people doing real moves

OKAY THE FUCKING CATNIP SCENE so when taylor swift showers everyone in catnip they all just fucking start moaning and go FULL HORNY its TOO MUCH like misto full on does an o face like eyes rolled back mouth open and munkustrap is like ass up panting i still havent processed it im fucking terrified to encounter it again. they cut the orgy? yet added THIS??? k

WHY did they take 2 of the most iconic characters who FREQUENTLY interact and just

a. Never even have them make eye contact

b. Make 1 a background character

c. Completely change the personality of the other one

On the topic of Victoria/misto: I am just still at a loss as to why they thought it’d be a good idea? They completely removed Plato and for what? This? Pathetic. It’s worth noting the weirdly munkustrap has WAYYY more chemistry with both Victoria AND mistoffelees then they did with each other (there’s a part where it looks like misto and munk are about to kiss for some reason?? munk ALSO gets all touchy feely with skimbleshanks???) anyways munkustrap king moments

tldr; its worth watching, the best parts were the sets, the dancing, skimbleshanks, and munkustrp fucking CARRIES the weight of the world with his face acting. the worst things were a big fat tie between bustopher, tugger,misto,jenny,growltiger and griddlebone, and the godawful design choices

#cats the musical #cats movie #cats spoilers #my post

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katcadecascade · 4 years

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New Qrow fic WIP

It’s a bit of a character study but mostly RWBY/JNOR/more doing shenanigans.

The only problem, I can’t think of a name for this fic.

Anyway here, Chapter One/Round One: Throwing Down the Gauntlet

Blake will admit, she’s a sucker for romance.

How could she not be?

In a world where morbid emotions attract monsters, where injustice breeds from hatred of culture and birth traits, something as simple and layered as love is beautiful and strong and can power people through their darkest moments but also bring them to their knees.

She should say she just learned this all from her books but honestly in the last year or so, Blake has certainly lived through some crazy shit.

But let’s not get into that right now.

Sure her tale begins with her people’s suffering, her parent’s pacifism, a poor boy’s spite, and her own frightful shadows. She could go write to great lengths on how the journey gained her treasured friends, bonds forged through fire, and how it lead them to the coldest place of the north.

That’s where this game begins.

Yes a game indeed or maybe a war by the sharpness in the Valkyrie’s eyes or the telltale song notes of glyphs charging up.

It began with a series of events that piqued the interest of the eight (and later on more) charges under the wings of Qrow Branwen.

The first thing they noticed took place on their very first night in Atlas, where one General James Ironwood hugged the scythe master. The two thought they were alone but the nieces back tracked to get their uncle.

While they made the wise decision to leave the men alone, the girls immediately blurted their findings to the rest of their friends.

Their reactions were of surprise and cooing but it only trigger their radars to look out for more of these moments. None of them could recall ever seeing Qrow be so vulnerable with anyone else. Granted they didn’t spend the most time with him but even Yang and Ruby were caught off guard.

This was their uncle so ultimately this was under Yang’s and Ruby’s discretion or wonderment.

That didn’t stop the rest of them from being curious to see what else will happen between Qrow and Ironwood.

Small and subtle were the ways of the General, lingering eyes or the quietly inviting the huntsman into his office. Ruby’s sniper skills were used for observations like these. Her skills in stealth could’ve been better to muffle her cooing.

Things were going steady, slowly seeing the man underneath the steel. Maybe then the kids could decide to trust him with the truth from the Lamp. Not that Qrow’s compromised in anyway, but seeing this spark between them certainly helps the kids trust the general a little bit more.

James Ironwood appeared to be able to offer up his heart to Qrow.

So imagine their surprise when Clover Ebi entered the game.

There’s that word again: game.

It’s a little immature to describe it as so but Blake couldn’t think of any other word.

Blake and the others keep noticing certain events focused on Qrow, usually engaged by one man or the other.

Small side glances, a brushing of hands, coffee treats and many more that can be listed as intimate or thoughtful or purposeful. Although, Clover’s flirting are rather forward. Most importantly, Qrow’s happiness is the growing outcome.

And pray tell what game is this? Where two men woo a common thread that is slowly becoming enamored by these actions?

A courting game.

Hands slam down on the kitchen table. “Everyone, place your bets!”

“We are so not betting on this!” Weiss crossed her arms, perfectly poised and unmoved.

“Come on,” Nora whined, “There’s nothing else to do here.”

“Aside from doing our jobs and brainstorming how to save the world?”

“All I’m saying is that we need a break from all the seriousness and focus on Team Dad.”

On the couches, only Blake noticed the resident nieces share a glance. They don’t argue against their uncle’s title, instead they quirk their lips in a knowing look.

(Blake later understands their silent exchanges when a game changer occurs)

“Nora’s right,” Jaune agreed, “and I usually never want to say that.”

“Hey!”

“You’re the one who broke the coffee machine by trying to fix it,” Oscar pointed out. Behind him said device has a despairing groan.

Ruby follows up, “And then got the rest of us blaming each other for it.”

“Enough, enough,” the redhead shouted, “We’re getting off track!”

“We are not conspiring on Qrow’s love life!” Weiss proclaimed.

“She’s right,” Ren said with the composure of a sage, highlighted as he sipped his tea, “There’s no need to.”

Yang raised an eyebrow, both curious and surprised, “What do you mean?”

Everyone waited for their resident ninja to finish another long drink, for dramatic effect Blake must note.

Then simply enough, he answers, “Qrow would fall for the General.”

That was clearly not the answer Nora wanted.

She’s a sputtering mess while next to her, Weiss holds her head high.

“Thank you, someone else sees my point,” the ex-heiress nods.

Sharpness in Jaune’s voice catches her off guard, “Your point? You think Ironwood’s gonna get with Qrow?”

“Is it not obvious?”

Nora butts in, a strange tension in her shoulders, “Sure yeah but look at Clover!”

Her team leader listed off, “They’re mission partners but also hanging around each off in their downtime.”

“Yes,” Nora nods enthusiastically, “Just like Jaune with Marrow.”

“H-hey wait-“

“You haven’t seen Qrow with James alone though.”

Again, everyone is quiet as they stare down their resident cute wizard boy.

Oscar squirms a little under the attention, backtracking, “Oh, um, I only mean um I would see them right before James tutors me? And Qrow would sometimes be there too and,” he sighs heavily, “honestly it’s like my aunt’s romance novels.”

Blake immediately guesses the classic tropes of longing, quiet vulnerability, trust and intimacy. She doesn’t voice her thoughts. No need since Weiss happily regales her own findings.

“Winter says that she’s never seen Ironwood so relaxed before. Sure she’s a little teed that it was Qrow’s doing but the results are still good.”

“But what about Qrow’s ‘results’ when he’s with Clover,” Nora argued.

Ruby does her little head shake, musing over her thoughts, “He is a lot calmer or relaxed.”

Nora cackles at the fuming Weiss, affronted at her girlfriend not on her side.

That’s rectified as Ruby taps her chin, scholarly and not noticing Weiss’ heat, “Although he is a lot more teasing around Ironwood.”

“See!” Weiss grins as if this is victory. Her current rival is unbothered.

“He’s the same with Clover,” Nora counters and honestly Weiss can’t possibly argue with that.

Too many times have the kids witness Qrow becoming a bumbling, blushing mess when Clover compliments him. There’s so much bi/gay tension there to even think of denying.

“Qrow must be taking his time then,” Blake voiced. “With both Ironwood and Clover, maybe he’s a bit overwhelmed.”

Next to her, Yang sighs, “Knowing him, he might not realize what’s going on unless someone tells him.”

“Or he’s aware of all of this happening and dismisses it as something that can’t actually happen to him,” Jaune painfully accurately describes as what is probably going on.

This type of denial of happiness, this consuming pit of numbness and pain, people who loved and lost and felt guilty for even loving and losing need to be told they’re deserving of love.

Maybe Jaune’s speaking for himself or maybe Blake’s interpreting for her own experiences.

But one shared glance with the knight confirms her thoughts. Qrow must have talked to him too about this type of grief.

The blame and the guilt and the responsibility of losing someone, be it person of goodness or of spite, it’s a heavy feeling that Blake, Jaune, Qrow and possible the others too have carry.

So while the huntsman tries to assure the two kids of their grievances, there hasn’t been an opportune time to ask how he’s coping. As the young adults under his care, they all worry about him, especially his nieces. At first he was the mysteriously cool uncle as proclaimed by Ruby and later on the secretive and paranoid uncle explained by Yang but in their shared time together, each kid gotten to know the crow by their own definitions.

It’s like that little thing Blake does, associate a word with a person.

She told Sun about her girls, Earnest, Defiance, and Strength.

Then there’s team JNPR, Tenacity for Jaune, Zestful for Nora, Ascendancy for Pyrrha and Acuity for Ren. It took some time but eventually Oscar became Perseverance.

As for Qrow, well, she jokingly thought Mother Hen but now she’s satisfied to call him Memory.

It’s mostly because of all the Muninn parallels but there is just so much history behind Qrow Branwen. Carried in the creak in his bones, dips in his scars, the grey of his feathery hair, the surprise in his laughs, like he’s relearning how it is to walk with ghosts and angels.

So yeah, Blake sometimes worries about him and then she and Weiss worry about Ruby and Yang getting worried too.

But maybe there’s no need to.

From the soft gazes he sets on James and Clover, maybe they’re the ones making sure their Team Dad/Uncle is doing okay.

Now if only Qrow’s love life can move to the next stage.

Their conversation during breakfast was more than enough as food for thought, analyzing everything they know of Qrow Branwen and how he interacts with two men in particular.

Early mission meetings are obviously designated Clover Flirting Time as they get to their seats.

“I wouldn’t mind having another match with you,” Clover said casually as if it didn’t take weeks of near begging for a one on one fight.

“Really? You enjoy falling on your ass that much, lucky charm?”

“Sure do,” Clover slides close, letting his hip press against Qrow’s. “But I like seeing you down on the mats just as much.”

That flirt was meant to be whispered, low and teasing and it definitely sends a blush down Qrow’s neck. It’s a real shame that Blake has an extra set of ears to hear this.

Then from the sight of Marrow almost choking on his coffee, he probably heard it too.

The dog faunus and the cat faunus exchange silent misery.

“Ooh, another match?” Nora, being her glorious self, pops right at Qrow’s side and the two men nearly jump. “Hah, that’s a bit boring by now.”

Clover raises a brow, slightly wary and challenged, “Boring?”

Nora nods her head as Ren-like as possible, “Yep, I mean, training doesn’t have to be combat does it?”

Qrow blinks at her, and so does her teammates because hey, this is Nora complaining about combat training. “Nora, you got something else in mind?”

This encouragement, openness and trust, Blake wouldn’t have noticed it before but Qrow has been putting a lot more faith in them since Argus. It’s really nice to have an adult take them seriously. Then again this is Qrow. He encouraged Yang and Jaune to start a prank war.

Their resident lightning in a bottle had a million volt grin, “Parkour and freerunning! We all saw the Ops jumping around in the mines and that time Qrow and Winter destroyed the campus.”

“Miss Valkyrie,” hissed the ice queen, “I advise you to refrain from telling that anecdote.”

“What, feeling sore since you lost?” Qrow grinned.

“I did not lose, Qrow,” she glared, “it was clearly a stalemate.”

“Wow, now I’m really curious,” Clover said.

“I’ll tell you all about it then,” Qrow winked, “like how I clearly would’ve won.”

Next to Nora, Jaune added in, “There was a recording of it going around campus, like from the moment Qrow bushed back his bangs to the end where the General stopped the fight.”

To Blake, it’s a little odd to see Jaune gush about this since majority of them choose to ignore the usually mushiness of Clover Flirting Time. But then she notice the way Jaune subtly elbowed his teammate.

“Brush your bangs?” Clover’s focus on that little detail had him reach over to do said action, “Huh, you don’t look that intimidating like this.”

Like this, as they all observe, is Qrow blushing madly at the close contact and gentle action, the way Clover’s fingers glided through his dark hair like water.

Oblivious to the two men, everyone else in the room saw Jaune and Nora fist bump each other. They don’t even hide their smugness. No they toss it over at Weiss and Ren.

Ren is slightly alarmed.

Their resident ice princess on the other hand is silently fuming.

Like Blake mentioned before, this is a game.

It may be petty, invasive, and a tad immoral.

And yet it has begun.

So yeah, I need fic title suggestions and ideas

pls

#rwby fic #blake belladonna #qrow branwen #fair game #ironqrow #my fic

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mgkconfessions · 4 years

Text

Album Thoughts

I love his singing voice, but I’m more than ready to go back to rap. He can produce more songs like Hollywood Whore or where he combines singing and rapping, but I’m over this era. In my opinion the album is fine, but I was expecting a bit more from some songs and I don’t see the album as one story line like he said that it was, which is why we were supposed to listen to it from the beginning to the end. It isn’t one story that he’s singing about, so I don’t know where he sees that.

It made me cry too, especially the line where he says that he heard his dad’s last breath, that one makes my eyes water every time. It must have been so hard to experience that. I don’t know how he wants to perform that song without starting to cry :(.

I think high school describes their attitudes and their relationship very well. That’s exactly how they think and behave like teenagers. He gives me the impression that if one of his actions would kill him, then so be it. It’s this passive attitude that he has and I hate it! He has a daughter to live for! He talks about losing his dad too soon, but that’s exactly how Casie would feel like if he died now! I feel like he doesn’t think that the world wants him here and to be alive and that he also doesn’t see a reason why he would deserve to be here, so it doesn’t matter if he died. He needs professional help to learn how to deal with thoughts and feelings like this!

I already stated my opinion about banyan tree and Casie’s song, but it’s Kells own fault that his relationship was and still is more talked about than his actual music, because he is also responsible for making everything about Megan that had nothing to do with her and needing to show off their relationship so much. If he had kept it more private, people would be more focused on his music.

I share your feelings :(. I wonder if his voice would be able to survive a whole tour with this album, because he doesn’t do anything to prepare it for singing/screaming and I think that might become a mistake at some point.

All of the songs that I like from the album were growers for me, but my favourite ones are 1,2, 7,10,11 and 15 :). If he hadn’t ruined BV with his relationship so much, it would also be under my favourites, but that song won’t get a chance anymore. That’s over! You’re right about the riff thing! That does sound very similar. I didn’t even notice! I don’t like Jawbreaker that much anyway, so I’m fine with only listening to mebf ^^!

The music is the realest moment from this whole era, the rest is to be forgotten quickly!

I think the album has some very good songs and then songs where I expected a lot more, but their snippets already didn’t convince me, so I’m not too sad that the full songs didn’t either. Sorry, to disappoint you, but that interlude isn’t cute and doesn’t show how much in love they are. There’s a 34 year old still married woman with three children, talking to her drunk boyfriend with alcohol and drug issues as well as mental health problems, who she only met 4 months ago, about if he even remembers their moments together, because he gets so drunk and high and reveals that they already got tattoos of each other. Does that really sound to you like true love in a healthy way? :(

In my opinion when someone is so vocal about their issues and puts it into his music, it’s surely therapeutic for the musician, but I also always see it as a cry for help too, for someone to notice that not everything is alright, but not even his own fans see that although it’s clearly written in the lyrics! It only shows what we’re saying the whole time, no relationship will make him better or happier. He has to do that all by himself. Others can only support him on that way.

She’d probably say that it didn’t make it on the album lol ^^!

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yoonia · 5 years

Text

About Time // Part 13.5

-Jungkook’s Side Story-

Character: Jeon Jungkook x reader

↳ Type/Genre/words: Angst, Smut, Alternate Universe (Time Travel!au/Time Leap!au, Soulmate!au) / 32,982 words

↳ Prompts: “What if you find your soulmate… at the wrong time?” - Lauren Kate, Passion

↳ Summary: Be careful for what you wish for, because you may never know how to deal with them once it comes true. What would you do when your wish for a second chance actually came true? But was it really a fulfilled wish? Too many questions lie when it actually happened. Were they real memories? Or perhaps a part of a past life? Was it only a dream all along? Will everything be different this time?

↳ Warnings: involving acts of infidelity, a depiction of sexual intercourse, oral sex (M receiving)

↳ Author’s Note: Forgive me for taking such a long time to post this. I had to write this one from scraps and ditch the one I had planned out during last November’s NaNoWriMo and had decided to add more scenes to fill all the plotholes and to answer all the questions everyone had been sending me throughout the series. If you are having problems opening the chapter, this chapter has been posted in small parts on Inkitt and Wattpad. This chapter will be written in Jungkook’s pov, as it usually does on any character’s side stories.

↳ ⤎ Previous Chapter | Series Index: About Time | Next Chapter ⇢

Song Companion: Let You Go - Faime

—First Life, year 2015—

The apartment was dark and quiet when I entered. When nobody answered me even after I spent ten minutes pressing the bell and knocking on the front door, I figured nobody was home. Thank goodness I had the spare keys he gave me last summer so I managed to get in without having to wait for him to return, or else I would probably end up sitting out in the hallway like a bum.

Looking around in the dark, I felt surprisingly more welcomed being here than I felt back home. I had been in this place a lot of times before that I knew my way around like the back of my hand. There was no need for me to turn the lights on before finding my way to the huge sofa in the living room. I sat there by myself, letting the silence engulf me as my mind went back to what had happened earlier today, as my father’s demeaning voice kept ringing inside my head, over and over again.

I had no idea how much time had passed, but I kept sitting there with my head hanging low, my forearms resting on my knees as if I was not only losing grip of reality and my future, but also of myself. And I was sitting in that same way, unflinching even as the sound of the front door’s locks clicking was heard, followed by the sound of the door opening and closing, breaking the silence.

“Jungkook, is that you?” his deep voice rang echoed between the cold walls before the small lights from the corner of the room were turned on.

I said nothing to answer, nor did I turn to look at him. I heard him sigh deeply before his footsteps came closer to me. My eyes were still staring low onto the coffee table in front of me, before he sat down on the said table, facing me as he was waiting for me to look up.

“Jungkook?” he called my name again as I gave him no reaction at all. Although as he tossed his jacket on the empty spot beside me, the movement broke me from my reverie that I had no other choice but to lift my gaze, only to stare numbly into my older brother’s eyes. His lips turned into a flat line before he finally spoke, “I would ask you on how it went today but judging from the look on your face I’m guessing that it didn’t go well as planned.”

The memory came back to me and the pain inside my chest had me clenching my jaw tightly. I watched how my brother’s eyes caught onto my jaw, before looking down on my clenched hands. I never even realised that I was doing that before he glanced down, but I tried to loosen them up as I shook my head. “No,” I answered him. I opened my mouth to speak again, but no words came out. Thankfully, he never pressed on. All he did was nodded his head and pushed himself off the table.

He said nothing to me as he walked over to his cabinet, pouring an amber coloured liquor into a clear glass. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked me with his back on me, not bothering to look at me as he placed a few pieces of ice cubes into his drink.

“Only if you pour me one of those,” I said to him, which had him turning around to send me a quick scowl. “What? I need a drink and I do think I deserve one after what I’ve gone through tonight.”

“Are you even legal? You haven’t even gone through your high school graduation yet.”

I scoffed. “Oh, please. You are absolutely not giving me that ‘you’re not legal enough to drink’ lecture crap now. You were the one who gave me my first glass of vodka back when I was fifteen, after all, big brother.”

This time, he was the one who gave me a scoff, before he grinned at the memory. “Yeah, you’re right. Who am I to lecture you?” he said to me, before turning back to the bottles on his cabinet and made me a similar drink to the one he was having. “So tell me,” he said to me as he handed me the glass of glowing liquor. “What happened?”

I waited until he took a seat on the sofa next to me and once I had taken a huge gulp of the drink before I looked at him. Sighing deeply, I rested back on the sofa, watching him as he drank slowly without looking away. It took me another sip of the alcohol and a long exhale of breath before I finally spoke.

And then I told him everything.

I told him how I came home and went straight to our father’s study to have the talk. I told him how nervous I was under our father’s emotionless glare, and how proud I felt when I managed to finally told him about all the things that I was so passionate about, on my love for music, about how determined I was to chase my dream and on my wish of changing my majors once I started studying in university. And then I told my brother about our father’s answer that had taken him no time at all to consider before giving them to me,

“The answer is no.”

I downed the rest of my drink once the words rang inside my head, stabbing me right in the chest the same way it did when I first heard them. The way the liquor went down my throat, warming my whole body in one swift moment made my head spin for a bit that I had to close my eyes. Only opening them again once the pounding in my head subsided a little, and when I felt my brother returning to fill my glass to the brim. He set down the bottle on the table in front of us before sitting back down, already so sure that I might need more refills to heal the remaining dismay I still carried.

It took me days to gather the courage to speak up my mind, to be confident enough to face my father. And it was so damn painful to have my hopes being ripped and discarded as if they meant nothing at all to him when it meant the whole world to me. All the courage and hope that took me so long to muster was crushed within seconds with only one sentence.

“I was so goddamn sure when I came into his study, hoping that I would make a difference in both my life and for my future. That for once, he would give in, give me a chance to do something different. I’ve spent all my life so far doing everything he wanted, I thought for sure he would trust me enough to know what is right for me to do. And with one son already following his footsteps, would he not be more lenient to the other?”

If only I knew how wrong I was when he responded to my wish.

“What I say goes, Jungkook,” I remembered him cutting me off when I tried to voice my reasons, as I tried to make him change his mind and think it over. Yet his firm tone was enough to put me in my place, leaving me with no other chance to put up a fight. “What kind of future are you expecting to get by focusing on music, anyway? No, you are going to focus on your business major, finish it quickly so you can join me build the company. Your brother is joining me soon with how fast he had been advancing in his studies, it would be best if you put your mind into it so you can be with us when the time comes.”

My brother was silent as I kept telling him everything, as I relayed every single moment of how my hopes and dreams were shattered in less than five minutes. All he did was took a few slow sips of his drink and refilled our glasses while he waited for me to finish my story.

“That’s actually quite surprising,” he muttered after I was done talking.

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged and gently placed his empty glass away to face me. “I mean, Dad has always been so lenient with you, if you haven’t noticed yet. I have witnessed him letting you get away with things and even solve your problems for you since you were young,” he explained. For some reason, I felt that he was pressing down a bit of the resentment hiding behind his words, although his face was void of emotions. Just the way how our father would when he spoke his mind. “I don’t know. I just didn’t think he would actually turn down his golden child.”

I threw him a sarcastic laugh. For years, my older brother had never been ashamed to show any indignation towards me. In fact, he had always been so vocal about it. He watched how my parents groomed me differently than they did him, and he never liked it. He hated how my father always took over whenever I got myself in trouble, or how my mother would get herself involved or cover for me when things came crashing down on me. I used to brush my brother aside each time he would protest our parents about it, reading everything that he said and his discord as a form of envy.

Perhaps I enjoyed being guarded under the shell that my father had created for me too much. I even used the nickname my brother gave me, ‘the golden child’, as something to brag. He had warned me once, that staying under my father’s shadow for too long would only allow him to have control of my life one day.

I never knew how right he was until today.

“It’s going to be hard to fight off the old man. I’d done my deed a long time ago and the fight became meaningless,” he said while placing his glass on the table, and I was soon reminded about how he had once rebelled against our father before he finally gave in. Perhaps we never had any chance but to follow what our father wanted, after all. “So what are you planning to do now?”

I let out an exasperated sigh. “I have no idea. What other choice do I have? He wouldn’t back down whenever he has his mind set on something.”

“Prove him that you can do better on your own,” my brother said to me, earning a slurred chuckle from me in return.

“And how am I supposed to do that?”

He only shrugged and pushed himself off from the sofa. “Just go along and do what he wants for now. You are still under his wings, after all, so just play along until you find the right moment to take the chance you need. There is always a loophole somewhere, all you have to do is find that chance and take it. But don’t let him see that you are planning to do anything against his will.”

I said nothing. My mind was spinning with everything that had been going on and for the drinks I had taken during our talk. How much did I drink? I had stopped counting after the third refill and while I was mimicking my father’s words to my dear brother. I felt lighter than I did before, but I still felt terrible inside.

“You’re staying here for the night, right?” my brother called out once he had crossed the room, his eyes were on me when I looked straight at him.

“Yeah,” I murmured, already felt heavy and so damn tired that all I wanted was to find an empty bed and sleep. I might even fell asleep right here on this sofa if I should lean back. “Just let me stay here for a while.”

“Right,” he nodded. “Just don’t drink yourself to sleep. Those things could never solve your problems, Jungkook. Just remember that.” He never gave me a chance to respond as he was already turning away from the living room. “The second bedroom is still yours. Use it all you like,” was all he said before he disappeared through the dark hallway towards his bedroom.

—First life, year 2016—

Playing along with my father’s wish had been something that I was good at doing. Years after years, I followed his words, never once have I tried to defy him as my mind was set to always get in his good side. I might have been quite the troublemaker while growing up, always so carefree that I had gotten to experience all the fun in life whenever I could, but I would never deny what he wanted, no matter how hard his wishes would be.

All through my school years, I always studied hard just like he wanted me to, I worked hard, I even came to his office every time he wanted me there so I could learn everything he wanted me to know about his company. As long as I knew how to please him, he would always be so easy to brush aside all the troubles I made when I had too much fun of my own.

Once life at university started, it just came naturally for me to follow what he wanted and pushed my dreams aside. But it did not mean that I would enjoy it.

Throughout the first year, I went on day after day, going through classes and group studies like clockwork. But even if my body was there, my mind and soul could never. As if all I could care about was to get through it as soon as I could. The faster I could finish those studies, the sooner I could get what I wanted. At least, that was what I had hoped for. I had hoped that one day I would be able to be free to choose my own path once I left home, but I was basically still living under my father’s shadows even when I was miles away from home.

The only thing that made me feel alive was the after hours. Following the same pattern I went through during my school years, once the classes and the dreadful long days were over, I would let myself go into the night and find my release.

I went through one party to another, only to feel alive, only to feel a semblance of what kind of life I could get when I was not under his wings, or followed by his shadows every move I made. Those were the only times when I could let go, when I could laugh my heart out and feel like a different person when I spent those nights surrounded by my frat brothers, my close friends, the family I created outside of my own. When I was able to live like my own person and forget about the part of me my father wished to create.

Soon enough, everything became a blur in my mind as I kept repeating the same pattern. Classes, assignments, afternoon hangouts, wild parties with lots of drinks, waking up with a hangover, repeat. And suddenly, the life that I had created for myself started to feel mundane, and it was no longer enough The alcohol could no longer help fill the void, and spending those drunken nights with faceless girls that somehow became a part of the equation somewhere along the way only made it worse.

“You okay?” I felt a nudge while my mind drifted away. Professor Lee’s levelled voice from the front of the class was starting to lull me to sleep that my mind wandered off in the middle of the lecture. Although the moment I was pulled back into the class, Professor Lee was no longer talking and everyone around me, including himself, was already in the middle of packing and leaving for the next schedule.

Today was the last day of the finals. It was only by a miracle that Professor Lee had traded the final exam for the class with assignments that we had to submit today, with an extra lecture as a bonus before we left for the upcoming break. It was basically pointless, which was probably why everyone seemed like they would rather be elsewhere but here and the class felt dead, yet everyone stayed for the extra attendance. Some even fell asleep at the back of the class, while I had lost my own interest ever since the Professor had started talking in the first place.

I looked over to Eunwoo who was sitting next to me, as he always did in class, finding him smiling while looking at me with concern.

“What?”

He chuckled. “You kind of zoned out half the lecture. You didn’t even notice me whispering at you,” he said. “What’s up?”

I shrugged. “Nothing. Just tired, I guess.” Yeah, more like tired of everything and acting like someone I’m not.

“You sure?”

“Positive,” I nodded. “What were you talking to me about?”

“The party tonight at the house. You’re going to be there, right?”

I had to resist the urge to grimace when I thought about the party. I had to be honest that those parties had started to suffocate me that I had chosen to stay away from the last few ones. By now, I was starting to run out of excuses. And with our house being the host for this semester’s post-final party, I could already tell that the boys would never let me ditch on them this time.

“Yeah, I kind of have to,” I shrugged it off, already wanting him to let it go.

“Cool,” he said, already beaming with a smile while I was starting to feel uneasy. “Everyone has been asking about you. And I could sure use a wingman tonight.”

This time, I let my desperate groan be heard out loud.

By 11.00 PM, the frat house was jam-packed with students. Things had started early tonight somehow, which was not a complete surprise due to the occasion. The music was thumping loud that the floor and the walls seemed to vibrate, joining the mass of students dancing on the main ground floor. No doubt that there was bound to be a huge mess in the morning with all these people and the overflowing alcohol around, but nobody truly cared.

It was the last day of finals. Everyone present tonight was only there to release their stress after all the deadlines and exams everyone had to deal with for the past week.

I strolled leisurely through the crowd with a plastic glass in my hand, trying to enjoy the night as much as I could and forget about everything else waiting for me outside of these walls. I could see the boys being the usual rowdy hosts, moving from one corner to another to initiate drinking games or just to rile up the crowd. I could not help but smile as I watched them, yet I still had no intention of joining them yet. Not completely sure what I was searching for in this party aside from getting drunk or high, I took my time to look around, searching through all the faces around me, familiar or not, as if I would find something there.

Or someone.

I lightly brushed the latter notion with a scoff. What was I possibly thinking? I had told myself that I would try my best to stay away from getting into bed with any random girls tonight. It was not like I had any problems of hooking up with anyone, it was more that I had lost the interest to. It was something that I had once thought would help me feel something when everything else made me feel numb, but I stopped when it did nothing but give me a lot of trouble instead of helping me.

It was one of the reasons why I never joined these parties lately.

I was starting to grow tired of being someone that was not myself. Of feeling incomplete.

I looked away at the boys to see the group of girls that were hanging around them, some clinging to whoever had gotten too intoxicated enough to care while the others were merely lounging around and trying to grab any kind of attention. My eyes fell on Minhee who was standing by next to her friend, instantly meeting her gaze as she was looking my way. A smile started creeping on her face when she noticed I was staring, while I inwardly scoffed instead.

It took only one night of hooking up with her in my bed while I was too drunk to notice, and she had been sending me bedroom eyes every time we met, hoping for another. As if, I wondered as I looked away. If that one night had her thinking that she could cling on me and claim me as her territory, I could never dare to imagine what would happen once I gave her another night.

Turning away from her stare that was starting to creep me out, I decided to make my way across the room instead of joining them. And that was when it happened.

My eyes moved towards the door when a couple of figures came rushing in. They stopped at a halt right by the doorway, one of them looking around at the dancing crowd with a wide, amused grin on her face. It took me a moment before I finally recognised her, having seen her in many other parties before, once even catching her hooking up with one of our boys, but her looks had changed a lot. Her purple hair was what caught my eyes, although it failed to hold my attention longer than it should when my gaze found the other girl beside her.

This girl, however, managed to make me feel like everything around me had stopped. The same way it did the first time I saw her. It was during an event held by the campus with us being volunteers sometime last year, where we held an auction for a charity case. She was there as one of the volunteers. I remembered being curious about her, but had no chance of doing anything about it when she disappeared right before the after-party. Then even if I managed to see her again on different occasions, she never stayed long enough for me to find her.

She looked around the room without noticing me, following her friend’s gaze. A few sighs came from her despite her smile, and I was pretty darn sure that I even caught her scoffing at whatever her friend was saying before she laughed. Her eyes caught mine for merely a few seconds, only to look away before I ever had a chance to do anything to stop it when her friend pulled her away.

I watched her as she brushed through the crowd, unable to move. It’s her, my mind kept screaming at me, as if it had found what it was looking for the minute I recognised her. That’s her, dumbass!

But I did nothing to chase her. There was something about her that pulled me in, something in her eyes and the way she smiled. Something I never felt before.

As I was lost in a daze with my eyes still looking towards where she disappeared into, a couple of kids danced too wild and knocked me from the side, knocking me back to my senses. By then, she was completely out of my sight, lost between the students in search of pleasure for one night. But I silently hoped that I would not lose her again once I found her.

About an hour had passed and she had slipped right out of my reach more than once.

I caught her once dancing in the middle of the room with her friend and another guy at one time, and I was too busy admiring her from afar that I could not get to her in time. She disappeared once she seemed a little too worked up with the crowd gathering too close around her and I had no clue where she went. Even if she reappeared a few times after, it was so easy for her to walk away from me again.

As I thread through the crowd, I was starting to regret not having been drunk enough yet even when it was well over midnight. Being drunk in these parties would help me ignore the bodily fluids that were probably staining the whole house. It was hard to ignore them when being sober, but I needed to keep my head straight if I wanted to find her before the party ended.

It was during the wild search for her through the dancing students when I got pulled away so unwillingly from the main living room. My eyes were busy looking for her when I was pulled by a strong arm around my shoulder that proceeded in taking me towards the kitchen.

“Where have you been running off to, man? The kids are playing beer pong against Sigma Pi and Yoongi is winning for them. We need you to retaliate,” Yugyeom said to me as he dragged me across the room. I opened my mouth, trying to refuse when he added. “Minhee has been looking for you too. Come on.”

I sighed, dreading to see what this would lead into. “Yeah, sure. Whatever.”

The boys around me were cheering for me as I was getting ready to toss the ball. But my mind was all over the place. I had caught her standing at the kitchen counter, talking to the guy tending the beer jug with a red plastic cup in her hand before our rowdy group pushed everyone out of the kitchen. I was clutched tightly between my friends that I failed to follow her, yet I still caught where she was heading to before she disappeared from my sight.

Just get this over with, I cursed in my mind while glancing out the door where she had slipped out of, ignoring the smug smile Yoongi was sending me from across the table.

“Come on, Jungkook. What’s wrong? Are you scared of losing? You’ve been out of the game for too long, perhaps you forgot how to play,” he kept taunting me, slurring through his words as he goaded. It seemed that ever since I have been away from these parties, Yoongi and his boys became the star between the other kids.

“Not a chance, man,” I said while gritting my teeth. My boys were hooting at my side, cheering on me, but the thing that annoyed me most was the girl that somehow found it necessary to cling by my side the whole time.

Right the moment I had slipped into the kitchen with Yugyeom, she slid through her group of friends and clutched onto me like I was her life support. I had to resist pushing her away to avoid causing a scene, knowing that she was already well drunk. Moving my eyes between the glasses of beer in front of me and the door leading to the side porch, my mind kept telling me to just finish the game and run for her. I knew she was still out there, since there was no way she could make it out the front door without going back through the kitchen, and my gut was telling me that something was not right.

“Anytime now, Jungkook. Before the sun comes up,” Yoongi taunted me again, pulling my eyes back towards him. “Or are you waiting until everyone leaves so nobody would see you losing against me?”

As I glared right Yoongi’s way, I sent him a smirk that I was sure would make his intoxicated blood boil. I said nothing to him as I tossed the ball right to the last glass.

I spared no time to stay and celebrate once I kicked Yoongi’s ass on the game. I never even glanced back to the boys when they were shouting at me, wondering where I was running off to. Nor was I bothered to care when Minhee’s nasal voice protested at me pushing her off and bolted without giving her a second glance.

My gut was telling me to rush towards her. And it was a good thing that I listened. Because even before I managed to walk past the door, I could hear someone’s voice, sounding in desperate need of help and filled with fear. I already knew it was her before I even saw it.

Sure enough, right as I rushed through the side porch, I saw her there.

The first thing I saw was her face. With the crowd no longer covering her and the distance holding us apart, I could see her more clearly from where I stood. The one that caught my eyes first was the fear in her eyes and the tears that were threatening to fall. Then my eyes went down to see the hand that was holding roughly on to her small wrist.

And all I saw was red.

The man holding her had his back on me, but with his big broad shoulders and unruly red hair, I immediately knew who he was. He was once a part of Sigma Pi, our frat’s rival, and got kicked out after harassing some kids during one of their events.

In no way I was going to let him touch or hurt what was mine.

“Hey!”

He slightly jumped when he heard my voice. I could hear him growling, telling me that he knew who I was before turning towards me. I kept my eyes on her, making sure that she knew I was here for her while Jay turned to send me a threatening glare. “Let her go. Everyone can see she doesn’t want your company,” I said, gritting my teeth. My hands were clenched tight on my side, itching to break every bone in his body. His fingers that were holding her would come first.

“Get inside and stay away, Kookie. This is none of your business,” he barked at me, but I could care less about him. He might be bigger than me, but I could still take him out anytime, especially when I was much more sober and he was a terrible drunk. All I had in my mind was her eyes that were staring at me, pleading for me to get her out of there. It took everything from me to hold back and not come rushing forward to snatch her away. The last thing I needed was to get her hurt while I was trying to keep her safe.

“It is my business if you’re harassing my guest. Let her go, Jay. Now!”

“Or what, Kookie? What are you going to do, huh?” He taunted with a clenched jaw. I knew he was also holding back, but I could also see him tightening his hand on her wrist and was starting to pull her to him until she let out a cry that made my chest feel tight.

Clenching my hands harder until I could feel my nails digging into my skin, I gritted my last threat. “Or I will ban you from our events and our house for good. How does that sound?”

I could see him debating whether or not he should test me even further. He was already banned from his own frat house and a lot of public events on campus. Our house was the last to welcome him, only because the boys knew we could keep better eyes on him here instead of letting him roam around other places. Once we kicked him out from here as well, he would lose any reputation he had left.

“You won’t be able to do that.”

“Try me.”

Tension started to rise, and I could sense her fear. Right as I was about to lurch forward, I heard his curses and watched him letting her go abruptly that she nearly lost her balance.

“Fine. Fuck. The chick is yours,” he grunted, before walking away to the opposite side of the porch, away from both of us. “See you later, bitch,” he snapped at her before he made a turn towards the back of the house.

Paying no attention to the prick, I rushed towards her. She was looking down on her wrist while gently stroking on her skin to notice me coming closer.

“Hey, are you alright?” I asked her, keeping my voice low and gentle as to not startle her or scare her away.

Seconds felt like an eternity before she finally looked up to me. At first, the fear in her eyes was still there, until she recognised me and it turned to relief. She was still holding her wrist in her hand, looking unsure of what to do or if she should run away from here. Like hell I will let her run, I cursed in my mind, already vowing to myself to protect her and keep her close all night. Not only to keep her away from other bastards like Jay, but also because I refused to let her go again now that she was here with me.

“I—uh, I’m—” she stuttered, and I suddenly had the urge to reach for her and hold her to calm her down. I made no move to do any of it and it was killing me inside. The moment she showed me her wrist and my eyes fell on her wounded skin, the urge to hunt down Jay came even stronger than before.

But I was quick to push the thought of Jay aside, keeping my attention on her instead. She was still shaken and I could feel her fear slowly fading away from her as she stayed with me all night. Everything might have started quite awkward at first after I convinced her to come with me, until we exchanged our names, shared our drinks, then shared a dance in the party. By the end of the night, I found myself walking her home to her flat a block away from the house—which I cursed myself for not knowing, I would have found her sooner if only I had known.

And then, I was suddenly in her bedroom.

“Are you staying?” she looked up to me with her eyes already drooping halfway to sleep as she lied on the bed. I had helped her get ready for bed, all while making sure she was alright. She looked fragile and soft, and I felt all the need in me wanting to take care of her until the end of time.

“Do you want me to stay?” I asked her carefully. I would hate it if I screwed this up, but I had no idea how to stop myself if I ever lost control. And knowing myself, I would probably lose it once I lied next to her.

She shrugged, looking so adorably lost and shy when she tried to pry her eyes away from me. “Only if you want to.”

Oh, I would definitely want to. Because I want you. I would do anything for you. I would even stay forever if you’d let me.

Taking a deep breath to will my heartbeat to calm down a little, I tucked her under the blanket before climbing up the bed. If only she would let me, I would hold her to sleep in my arms and keep her there until morning came. But I knew if I wanted this to last even longer than just one night, I had to play my cards right and wait.

“I’m going to stay until you fall asleep. Or at least until I’m sure that it would be alright to leave you here on your own, okay?” I told her while lying on my side, wanting to keep my eyes on her all night long.

She gave me a smile and lied facing me sideways. “Okay,” she whispered, all while looking straight at me until everything fell into silence.

As I looked deep into her eyes and found myself getting lost in those beautiful glossy orbs, I knew then that I was finally where I belonged. I knew that my life would never be the same again. And this time, I would fight to keep her and never let go. Even if I have to keep her to myself and keep her as a secret from my family.

Being with her felt so right.

Meeting her and spending my time with her became something I always looked forward to when I started my day. It started from hanging out at a coffee place to hanging out in her flat until past midnight, when she would be too tired to speak and I would tuck her to bed before I left. Then our relationship grew as she became someone I ran to whenever I needed a safe place or whenever I needed solace, while I tried my best to be her shelter when she needed someone to confide in, or perhaps a shoulder to cry on when things got rough on her.

My friends could immediately see the change in me ever since she came into my life, and I could tell how much they welcomed her presence. They already knew that we were together before we ever did. So the moment we stopped coming into parties or joining with our friends to hang out with them, nobody ever questioned it.

Then as my feelings grew, hers did as well. It all started from one shy kiss on the cheeks after our movie night, then escalated into full making out sessions either on her couch or on my bed, until the night we decided to be honest with ourselves and let our action show every single thing that our heart wanted.

Making love to her was even better.

The night we first made love was a magical moment for both of us. That moment, when she finally opened up to me and let me be inside her, I felt as if I was being reborn into a whole new person. That night, while being snugged in her arms, when our bodies became one for the first time, I vowed to never let her go.

“I love you.”

Those three words finally came out one night when I could no longer hold back the truth of how much I felt for her and how deep I had fallen for her. Everything felt different that night. Ever since the moment she laid her kiss on my lips to when she pulled me back onto my bed, when our bare skin touched with scorching heat, I was completely lost to her and I instantly knew. And I also knew her feelings before she voiced them out to me when I could feel it coming out on her as we made love all night long.

The way she arched her body as my lips nipped her delicate skin, as my tongue tasted the sweet nectar that came flowing out of her core. I had drunk from her so many times before but she tasted so exceptionally sweet that night that I nearly lost myself between her legs, even as she kept screaming and pulling me when it became too much for both of us to handle. Then as she moaned my name while I traced my lips on her hot skin, from down her hot folds and all the way up to her chest, nipping on the tip of her breasts until her pointy nubs hardened inside my mouth, I could feel her heartbeat racing just as fast as mine did, as if our hearts would only beat when we were together and because of each other.

Her fingers on my skin felt like fire, soft as she delicately felt my presence yet firm as she claimed me as hers. I could feel all her love and desire through her kisses, through the way she called my name, and from the look in her eyes as she looked at me the moment I sent her to the peak of pleasure. Then when I entered her, as I glided through her hot canal, when her walls throbbed against my hard cock, engulfing me in her warmth, I felt that I was home.

Every time I was inside her, when I finally sheathed myself into the hilt of her depth, I knew that we were meant for each other. We were a tight fit. And nothing could compare to this, to being one with her, as if our soul joined together the moment our bodies intertwined to one another. I could let myself lost in her forever, loving how she spasmed against my girth as our bodies rocked rhythmically in tune on top of my bed. I could savour the sensations every thrust sent to my body, to the newfound desire that made itself known until my body felt insanely tight the closer I was getting to reach my release.

Yet the one that sent me into the peak was not how her body shuddered and clenched me tightly inside her as she reached her climax, nor the way her sweet nectar coated every bulge and ridge that kept sliding in and out of her, not even the hard pounding I kept giving her as I gave in to pleasure. It was her words, her delicate voice that came out soft and rasped after she screamed out my name in intense bliss, when she looked into my eyes and said,

“I love you too, Jungkook. Only you.”

Every touch, every kiss, every breathy call for my name which she made when we were reaching for bliss together was perfect. Life with her was perfect. Every night I would be lost in her love, and I knew that life would be fine as long as I had her by my side for the rest of my life. We spent each and every night altering between sharing her bed or mine, showing our love to one another in those long hours until the sun came up. At times, I wondered what it would be like to share the same bed for the rest of our lives, because waking up to her by my side made me feel complete. It made me feel whole and made me believe that I finally had a purpose. And I would never trade that feeling to anything else in the world.

She became the beautiful little secret of my own that made me feel less like living under the suffocating shadows of my father’s demands, giving me hope that there was something in the future that I could look forward to. She was mine, absolutely, one hundred percent mine. And our life together was ours to keep and create as our own’s, as a part of my life that would always be under my own control.

Until the day when it was not.

“I’m pregnant.”

—First life, year 2018—

When I was a little boy, my grandfather once took me and my brother to the beach and sat us both down, gone was his playfulness that we had grown completely quiet as we faced the man, fearing for our lives as we started thinking if we had done something worthy of some serious scolding. Neither of us knew what he was doing, but we watched him attentively and waited to see what he wanted.

As if knowing what we were thinking, he only smiled at us before joining us to sit down on the sand. Taking a handful of white sand in his hand, he then gave us one of the biggest lessons in life we could have ever gotten. It was a lesson which was soon engraved in my memory but had always kept being pushed back to the back of my mind until it was too late.

“Life is nothing but a handful of sand. It is the most delicate thing that has always been misunderstood and taken for granted,” he said then, lifting an open hand that carried a thick layer of sand on its palm and brought it to our faces to see.

“Hold and carry them the right way, with patience and gentleness, and enough amount of care, then you will have all you want from them on the palm of your hand. Lose the gentleness and grow careless, or be selfish and hold on to them too tight or with not enough willpower at all—” sending a smirk at us, he made a big gesture of clenching his fist together and I watched how the sand slipped through the crevices between his fingers and his big palm, running down slowly onto the ground where they came from, leaving only a small amount of them as my grandfather opened his palm to us right after, “—and just like that, they will slip away from you until there is nothing left but remnants of them that is only there as a reminder of what you have lost.”

It was a lesson that was more than what our little minds could comprehend, until years later when I finally understood what he meant.

“Now, my boys, remember this later when you grow up, once life starts showing you different paths to choose and distractions to stray you away from it. Remember the sand and look at it as if it is your own life and everything that comes along with it, everything that you cherish the most. Remember to treat them gently, treat them with care, keep them safe from your own selfishness and not let them slip away from you so easily.”

“I’m pregnant.”

The minute she said those words, I remembered that day, remembered my grandfather’s voice and myself watching those grains of sand falling on the ground. And that was exactly how I felt then. It felt like my whole life just shattered to the floor into pieces, turning into those delicate sand. And with her words, I felt everything slipping away from me.

Our life. Our Haven. Her.

Everything was falling apart right when I had thought I had everything under my control, just when we were building our lives and creating our own little bubble together where we were safe from the world around us. I was so comfortable in that life, being by her side and lost in her love that I had never realised it when I started to hold on to it too tight, as I was keeping her away from my own demons and my family’s overbearing rules. I was afraid that one day my father would come and take her away or try to control us just the way he had done to me for years. Or even worse, that the moment he found out about her, he would use her to control me. Those fear kept coming to me that I began shielding her from him, from my family, from a dark side of me which I knew she would never be able to welcome in her life.

“Jungkook?” A familiar voice called for my name, followed by a few knocks on the car window to pull me out of my daze. All of a sudden, I found myself sitting in my car, my hands clutching tightly on the steering wheel until my knuckles had started to lose colour.

Where am I?

How did I get here?

Drawing in a shaky breath, I nearly choked at the tightness in my chest. The pain had been there for a while, I noticed, leaving me breathless, as if all the oxygen in my lungs had been taken away.

The knocking on the window returned, this time the sound was enough to make me look over, and my eyes fell on my older brother’s concerned face looking at me from the other side of the glass.

“Jungkook, what’s wrong? Open the door!” his voice sounded muffled but I could still hear him, which only meant that he was already yelling at me. It was dark, but I could still see the gloss in his eyes, the scowl that he had to suppress as he waited for my response. There was no doubt he was close to breaking the glass or pull the door open with force with how deep the frown he had plastered on.

I had no memory of driving all the way here and I started to question about my own state of mind, how I managed to drive two hours away from her flat to my brother’s place without recalling anything about the journey or anything happened in between.

What I did remember was standing in the middle of her living room and nearly breaking down.

I had come to her place after she had called me, frantically begging for me to come with a strained voice and a few sobs that I had run off all the way from campus just to get to her, thinking something must have been wrong. Then I remembered her telling me about it, with her tear-streaked face and both her palms pressing on her flat stomach, letting me know that she was having a baby.

Our baby.

I remembered not being able to breathe, my whole body shaking as I felt the ground beneath me crumbling apart. Then I remembered walking away with her wailing behind me.

I left her.

I. Left. Her.

She is having my baby and all I did was walk away.

Fuck.

“Have you not been careful?”

My brother’s voice sounded low. There was no need for me to look his way to know that he was probably pinching the bridge of his nose or pressing on his temple to ease his frown. He had kept the scowl on his face while he was listening to me, as I told him everything that had happened and what had led me here. About me, her, and the news she dumped on me before I fled.

“We’ve always been careful. We used protection every time, and even when we did miss it, she would take her morning-after pills just to make sure,” I told him with a sigh. It felt more like I was convincing myself rather than to him. As if looking back to every precaution we had ever made would change the present.

“Some might say that you can never be too careful,” he muttered. “Are you sure it’s yours?”

“Watch what you are saying,” I snapped at the accusation that was hanging in his question, all while turning to glare at him. I could not just stay quiet while he was throwing it so freely at her when he had never even met her before.

But then I inwardly cringed when I remembered throwing the same accusation right at her face myself.

You sick bastard, I cursed myself as I looked away from his knowing gaze. It felt like he was judging me for not only having to get my girlfriend pregnant before college ended, but also for trying to avoid claiming her baby as mine.

Fuck, I am such a complete dick, I scolded myself with rage and reached out to the glass of scotch my brother had left on the table for me. I never wanted to drink my misery away, but the more I thought about her, the more I wanted to wash down the pain. I hissed at the taste of the liquor when I took the huge gulp, wishing that it would immediately take control of my mind so I would stop all the thinking and quickly forget.

“The baby has to be mine. There is no—” I choked with a sob when her face came back into my mind. “There is no way she would cross me. We are always together, we always have been. You don’t know her like I do. I know that she wouldn’t—”

Did you say the same thing to her?

I grimaced and closed my eyes when my voice echoed in my head. I remembered the pain in her eyes when I said it, and now it was coming back at me tenfold.

“I trust you. Forgive me, I just had to ask,” my brother said to me. I could sense him shifting on his seat. He was sitting across from me on his small bar, still sporting the same deep frown as he regarded my own. “So what are you going to do now?”

“I have no fucking idea,” I said with nearly a whisper. “Fuck, this is such a mess.”

“It’s your mess, so you need to figure it out,” he scolded me. I had no need for him to remind me about it, but I had no energy left to call him out on it. Instead, I looked at him, letting him see how defeated I felt when I met his eyes and watched how his frown turned to sadness. “Have you two talked about what to do with the baby?”

“No, we—” I stopped and look away. “No, we haven’t had a chance to.”

Because I ran away before we could.

My brother clenched his jaw, making me wonder if I had said those words out loud and admitted to him that his younger brother was a fucking coward. He looked at me deep in the eyes as he asked me, “Do you want to keep the baby?”

“I don’t know, fuck! I have no idea how to be a goddamn father!” I practically yelled at him and slapped my palm on the bar.

But then suddenly, despite the haziness in my head and the lump in my throat, everything cleared up. At that moment, the whole dam inside me was broken loose and I shivered right before I completely broke down in front of my closest sibling. That was when I realised the reason for my misery.

No, it was not just about the baby or about the fact that my whole life was about to change with any decision I would make.

It was because I could not choose one without the other, knowing her well enough to know that she would never let the baby go.

No, I don’t want the baby.

But I’d rather die than to lose her because of it either.

Fuck, I am so screwed.

Clenching and unclenching my hands and jaw repeatedly, I kept my eyes on her flat. The sky had yet turned dark, but the street in front of it was empty. The neighbourhood had always been a quiet one, and with today being the middle of the week, everyone around would be busy someplace else and would only return to their living quarters in this street by nightfall.

Her flat itself seemed quiet. At one glance, the place looked dead. The lights at the front of the building were still down when I arrived. The blinds on the windows were closed shut and there was no doubt that the door was locked. Nothing seemed out of place and it looked like the place was rather empty with no activity appearing on sight.

But I knew she was home.

I had been back on campus grounds since a few days ago after staying at my brother’s place for another day after my arrival, letting him console me before I had to face my father and to face her again. I came back only when I felt like I was ready to deal with what was waiting for my return, yet I still could not bring myself to see her.

That was why I had been sitting here in my car for the past hour, like I had done so ever since I came back. This was where I had always ended up at every time I stepped out of the frat house with any determination to see her. The farthest I had been was to stand in front of her door, listening to the muffled shuffling voices happening from the other side of that door for nearly an hour without ever knocking and letting her know I was there.

No matter how many times I told myself that I needed to see her, that I needed to fight with her and be by her side, my courage kept flying off the window the moment I came close enough to do it.

Taking a deep breath, I took another glance at the closed door. Memories of her, of her voice, her laughter, her crying face, all came to me and made me wonder if she was taking care of herself. With worries taking over me, I unknowingly reached for the door, ready to open it and ran off across the street when I saw him coming.

Taehyung.

Trudging from the other end of the block, I saw her nerd of a best friend came with fierce determination in his eyes—one that I knew I never had—and firm footsteps towards the flat. I watched him running up the stairs before he reached her porch and leaned down to unlock the door.

He has a fucking key? I clutched the door handle tightly as I watched him slip through the door while calling for her. I still had my eyes on her flat as he slammed the door closed behind him and the flat returned to silence.

Jealousy. Rage. A new set of emotions came back to me all at once aside from the fear of losing her. I wanted to run after him and pull him away from the flat. Away from her. I was supposed to be the one who was in there with her, not another man while she was having a child with me.

But I did no such thing.

All I did was release my door and reached for my phone instead. Forcing myself to look away and push the thought of her to the back of my mind, I started texting the one person I had always been running to every time I failed to force myself to see her.

[07.14 PM] To Eunwoo: Where you at?

I waited for a response while tapping my fingers on the steering wheel. The chime on my phone came minutes later.

[07.16 PM] From Eunwoo: At the house, we’re heading out to grab some food at Benny’s before crashing a party downtown. You coming?

With another glance at her quiet flat, I took a few moments before deciding what to do. I needed to grow up a pair and face her, to face everything together with her like I was supposed to. But my chest felt tight when I remembered about the other man that was currently with her.

She already has someone else to deal about it with anyway.

[07.21 PM] To Eunwoo: I’m coming. See you there.

Tossing the phone away to the passenger seat, I started the car and drove away without taking another glance.

And hours later, I was where I usually ended up at after each of my failure of facing her.

Surrounded by college students and probably some others, loud music banging against the wall and flow of booze coming and going. My friends and brothers from the frat house had been going wild for the last few days, hopping from one party to another day by day. It was local dorm parties or frat parties at first, then followed by occasional trips to other parts of the city, and it had somehow become a resort of mine to hide away from seeing her or any of her friends.

Coward, my conscience kept calling me out whenever I thought about her. But I never listened.

Looking around the trashed living room of some stranger’s house we had barged into tonight, I could not find anyone I recognised, having lost my friends ever since the beginning of the party when they immediately scattered through the crowd. But then again, I was completely trashed for God knows how many drinks I had chugged in to drown the voices in my head and to keep myself from driving back to her place that everything seemed blurry in my eyes.

I staggered through the makeshift dance floor, not even caring about the people that kept bumping into me and blocking my way. I had no idea where these people came from or who they were. The only thing I heard upon our arrival was that this was a homecoming party for a certain dance crew members who had just won some kind of a competition out of town. I spotted the said crew members earlier, tossing drinks and cheering from the other side of the room, but I stayed away while my friends joined them.

My body was suddenly pushed back when someone bumped hard into me as they passed through the dance floor. I looked over to know that it was not one of the dancing crowd nor that it was my friend, but rather one of the dance crew members I saw earlier, and he was quick to grab my arm to stop me from falling flat on my ass.

“Hey, sorry man. Are you okay?” he asked me, slurring a little while looking at me up and down. He was shorter than me, but looked like he had grown more muscles than I ever could. His face, however, was just as blurry as everything I was seeing around me.

“Ah, yeah. It’s fine, I was bound to fall down anyway,” I chuckled at him, patting his shoulder a little to thank him. “I was just about to sit down—” I stopped to look over to the corner of the room, spotting an empty space on the couches that had been pushed back to the walls. “—there. If I can make it without falling, that is.”

The man beside me only laughed. “Gonna need some help with that?”

I turned to him, noticing the redhead that was clutching on his arm and decided that she might be needing him more than I would. “Nah,” I waved my hand at him. “I’ll be okay. You go on ahead,” I told him, winking for good measure that made him chuckle while the girl who was with him visibly sighed.

“Alright, come on, Jimin. The kid said he’s okay. We need to get you out of here before you trash yourself too hard you fail to make it to audition tomorrow,” the girl scowled at him, practically pulling him away.

The guy rolled his eyes, whispering to me a little bit too hard and said, “Naggy cousins,” before patting my shoulders and walked away from me with his ‘cousin.’

As I turned away from looking at his retreating back, I was once again stumbling on my legs. But this time, I gave in as the beat of the music filled my head. Closing my eyes, I swayed my body left and right to follow the music. It felt good for a moment, as if I was drowned into something hollow and less painful or as terrifying as what my life was turning to be. I had no idea how long I was lost in my own world, dancing as if I was the only one in the room, until I felt someone pressing into me.

As I opened my eyes, I saw a girl in a tight revealing dress dancing with her body pressing on my chest. Her hands trailed up my shoulders before she started moving the same rhythm as I did, and I let her. Instead of pushing her away, I moved my hands to hold onto her hips and continued to dance with her, with our warm bodies moving along the music and letting ourselves lost in the moment.

Just the way I always did when I was at these parties.

I might never remember their faces or their names, or even remember what I had done with them aside from drinking away our miseries after dancing, but it had always ended this way ever since I started hiding away from her.

It never felt right, because they were not her. But for a moment, I could pretend everything was alright, I could pretend that I was not about to lose the life I had with her. I could pretend that everything was slowly falling into place, and that when I returned to her, there would be no baby in our way and things would come back to the way it used to. I would have her waiting for me in her small living room with a bright smile on her face and her usual big, clingy hug to throw at me before we could start over.

Everything was alright, and our lives were not falling apart.

I had no recollection of how I finally made it to the couches after that dance. My head was spinning for being drunk and I had kept my eyes closed the whole time as I waited for the alcohol to wear off so I could leave. I had lost track of time, but with the crowd thinning around me, I knew it was much later and was probably well away from midnight. My back was leaning into the soft couch and the cushions on my back. My body was warm, not only because of the drinks I had all night, but also to the hot lips that kept pressing down my neck.

But then they suddenly stopped.

“Hey, do you know that guy?” the voice beside me spoke, forcing me to reluctantly open my eyes.

I saw her face still in a close distance to mine when I looked down, finding her hands pressing on my chest next and her knee which was somehow resting on my thigh, before I followed her gaze and found out what she had meant. Only to figure out who she was talking about after blinking my haziness away.

Right there, standing at the entrance of the living room, I saw the familiar face of a fuming Kim Taeyung whose eyes were possibly glaring daggers into my skull under his thick glasses.

“You sick, son of a bitch!” He shouted at me while seething, right before he lunged forward at me.

The words he spoke and his sudden movement made me push myself off the couch, uncaring to how the girl who was with me had fallen on impact.

“What the hell—” I started to speak. But I never had a chance to finish the sentence, or to question how on earth he was able to find me there. All I could register was the hard blow of his fist landing on my face before all hell broke loose and everything went black.

“Ow. Stop touching that.”

“Oops, sorry,” she giggled from my side.

I narrowed my eyes to the girl beside me as she pulled her hand away from my face, wondering what she was doing without ever pushing her away. She was not a student of the same campus I went to. Hell, I could not even remember her name. I only remembered her from the party I went to a few days ago and she had somehow found me here.

Looking away from her, I ignored the way she was pressing on my side. She had been extra clingy ever since she came to the party and saw me, telling me that she had grown worried after the huge fight I had gotten at the party where we last met and fleeing right after. Never knowing that I had to leave because I had to run to see ____ before Taehyung could reach her before I would.

My head throbbed as I remembered her and what happened that night. It took me a few blows right at the head by that damn nerd to make me go to her. I sobered up right after and rode a cab to her flat to talk to her, to win her back. Things were getting better since. At least it was before I woke up this morning on her bed and witnessed her dealing with her morning sickness. The sight reminded me of what we were dealing with that I felt so terribly suffocated that I had to leave. Ever since the night she opened her door for me, I had stayed with her all the time and every night.

Until tonight.

Why was I here again? Oh. That’s right, I thought to myself while rubbing the swelling on my cheek that had yet to recover. That was one of the reasons why I came to this party. I stumbled upon the nerd again on my way to ____’s flat, and the humiliation of what he did to me returned.

It had been a couple of days since the night he came crashing to the party to hunt me down, but the swelling and the cuts on my face still marked my skin and throbbed to remind me of what he had done to me. It was my headache that had led me here instead of going to her place. And my plan of getting a glass of beer or two before I would leave had to change when this girl beside me came to me, insisting at me to stay with her.

What am I doing? I asked myself when I looked at her face again. She was looking up to me with those wide, hopeful eyes, smiling widely as she slid her hands onto my body.

I could not remember how much I had drunk since I had gotten here. It seemed like I had lost control of my bearings when it came to drinking, especially when I was highly unstable like I was at the moment. It was ____ who had been the one to hold me back at times like these ever since we had gotten together. She was my anchor and the only one who managed to control me. But now, I felt lost, as if I had forgotten how to survive on my own without her.

Shaking my head, I tried to clear my head and my sight to look at the girl again. The music was too loud around us so I could not hear what she was saying. I could only tell she was talking to me by how her warm breath kept brushing against my skin while she kept caressing my arm with her fingers. Sometimes she would even lean closer that I could feel her lips briefly grazing on my jaw and neck.

I nearly resisted her at first, but when I could no longer look away, I was suddenly lost in her eyes and her presence. My body started to relax in the seat and into her touch. I smiled when she did and even laughed along with her no matter how much the music had drowned our voices together. For a moment, I started to have hopes.

Perhaps she could make me forget. Even if it was only for one night. Just one night without wondering what it would be like if nothing ever happened during the past week, a night where I could imagine the past week and my ruined life was nothing but a bad dream, and that the baby in her belly never existed, if only we—

“Jungkook! What the fuck is this?”

What?

I opened my eyes as I heard the familiar voice against the loud music and felt the girl pulling away from me. I had thought that perhaps I was imagining things. That was until I followed her gaze and then I saw—her.

Oh, no. Please.

“______,” I stuttered when I met her wide eyes, and pushed myself off the couch. The hands that were touching suddenly felt like fire against my skin and I nearly tossed the girl away from me. It felt like a rewind from the other night when I could hear her falling over but I could care less about it. Not when I saw ______’s lips trembling right before my eyes.

My legs nearly gave up on me as I staggered towards her, but I kept pushing myself forward and kept my eyes on her. I kept refusing to believe that this was actually happening. I kept refusing to think about what she might be thinking or what she had seen. I swallowed hard while wishing that she did not just see me with the other girl, that she had not been witnessing me—

“Jungkook, why?” she suddenly choked, crushing my prayers. Her tears and the pain in her eyes, the disappointment that was clear in her gaze that never wavered from me had all only proven to me that she had witnessed everything. “So this is how you clear your mind? This is where you’ve been when you were being scared?”

“No, ____. Please listen to me, it’s not what you think—”

I tried to reach out to her but she was quick to dodge my hand and turned around. There was nothing I could do to stop her as she quickly walked out of the room. I immediately jumped forward, brushing everyone away as I ran through the hallway just in time to see her practically running towards the elevator, pushing everyone that was blocking her way.

I did all I could to chase her no matter how heavy my legs felt and how the crowded hall seemed to be closing in on me. I kept calling her name and begged for her to stop running away from me. For someone who had been sick and pregnant, she sure was fast, and I soon realised I was already too drunk and was moving too slow.

Her shoulders kept shaking and I knew without a doubt that she was not only fuming, but was also sobbing as she kept pressing on the button on the elevator. I nearly breathed a sigh of relief when I finally reached her before there was any sign of the elevator coming to the floor.

“Will you please stop and listen—” I desperately begged her as I reached for arms, pulling her away towards me and making her face me.

But the moment I saw her eyes once again, seeing her breaking apart right before my eyes, I felt like my heart was being pulled away from inside my chest.

What have I done? Why do I keep hurting her like this?

“Oh my God. _____, I’m so sorry—,” I choked, hoping for dear life that she could see that I meant it.

“Sorry? Sorry for what? For being caught?” she literally screamed at me while sobbing. I could only stand there, unmoving, as she started to hit me on my chest, again and again. I had let her. I wanted her to hurt me, to give me pain. Just as long as I could take away hers, then I would take everything she gave me.

“Fuck you, Jungkook,” she suddenly screamed once again, pushing me away that I fell a few steps back away from her. A few steps too far. “I trusted you. You never loved me, you liar!”

Stunned at her power and at the pain I felt from her words, I was not ready when she suddenly turned to run towards the stairway.

When I finally realised that she was slipping away from my reach again, I pushed forward to catch up to her, all while screaming and begging, “—I never lied to you. Please stop running, you will hurt yourself and the baby—”

But she would not listen. She just kept running, moving so quick to run through the door and reached for the stairs. Fear immediately stroke me deep in my chest when I realised that the moment I let her go, I would lose her forever, so I used all the energy I had left to finally snatch her arm and hold her tight, stopping her from running downstairs and tried to pull her to me.

“Please, _____. I beg you, please wait and listen—”

“No! Let me go!” she screamed as she fought me back, pushing me away. This time, I was ready and my legs were strong enough to keep me from falling back.

But I failed to remember that she was smaller than me, and much weaker, especially with her pregnancy putting a toll on her body. So while my body never budged as I stood strong the landing, her body was propelled away from me instead, and I was too slow to see it when her legs lost their footing.

“No!” I tried to grab ahold of her again when she started to fall back.

But I was too late. Too damn late and too damn slow.

As I watched helplessly at gravity pulling my love away from my reach, I felt my soul being ripped apart with each scream, each loud thud that followed her fall.

And there was nothing else I could do to fight it when I felt all that was left of me slowly died.

—First Life. St. Vincent’s Hospital, year 2026—

“I’m so sorry.”

Her voice broke out just as her face fell. There were no tears as she looked away, but I could still see the pain, the anger, every broken piece of her soul were all written in her eyes that I knew how much effort she was making just not to cry. She looked so small and fragile under the hospital gown, surrounded by tubes and all the hospital tools to support her healing. And with her shaking hands covering the remaining small bump on her stomach that would soon disappear, she looked completely defeated and lost, all the brightness in her eyes that had been filled with hope for the past three months had been replaced with complete agony.

I hated seeing her this way. I hated witnessing her breaking apart right before my eyes. And I hated feeling powerless because I could not take any of her pain away or make things better for her.

So I did the only thing I knew I could do.

Reaching out to her, I wrapped my arms around her and held her close. I buried my face on her hair while I let her bury her own on my chest. It was an effort I had to make, not only to give any semblance of comfort for my broken wife, but also to stop myself from looking at the white walls around us that had become too familiar and too suffocating to be in.

Caressing her hair and her back gently, I murmured softly to her, “Everything is going to be alright, sweetheart.” And I could feel her first sob as she finally broke down to tears in my arms.

“Sshh—we’re going to be alright. It’s okay,” I kept telling her, although a part of me felt like I was trying to console myself more than I did her. Quickly noticing that I was completely doing an unsuccessful job at it when doubt sneakily crept in.

Are we really going to be okay, though? I started questioning myself even as I held her tight and kept whispering words to console her, to let her release all her pain to me. How many times have I said those exact same words?

Do I even believe every word of it still?

While I was questioning my own feelings and giving in to doubts, completely unsure of what I was supposed to do to actually make it so everything would be alright, she was holding on to me so tight with her hands clutching desperately on my back as if I was the last piece of thread holding her together. All while completely careless of the needles that were still attached to her arms. Perhaps the pain on her skin was nothing compared to what she felt, I figured. So I just stayed still in her arms and held her tighter.

“It’s okay, baby,” I kept whispering to her as she was sobbing and shaking in my hold. “It will be okay.”

I had no idea if any of those words had actually worked at all in consoling her. All I knew was that they failed in consoling me.

As minutes passed by, I felt her slowly calming down. Relief swarmed all over me as I felt her slowly loosening her hold and started falling asleep. Not for knowing that she would finally be okay, but because I could finally stop pretending to be strong for her. Although none of it seemed to matter in the end as I laid her gently back onto the hospital bed. All that mattered was that the only apprehension I could find was knowing that the more she cried, the more resolved she became, the more I became numb.

I left my wife at the hospital after she had fallen asleep.

The doctors wanted her to stay for the night for further observation. Not that I had no clue of what was to come next—doctor’s observations, physical recovery, therapy, complete bedrest until her mind and body would heal from the pregnancy loss, and many sleepless nights with tears and consoling until life returned to how it used to be before the failed pregnancy, then weeks came months until we started planning again.

It had always been the same. And so far, nothing yet had changed.

Once I had made sure that she would be in good care of the hospital, I decided to leave for the office. Although I had to face a little obstacle before I could even step out of the room.

Right as I was making my way out the door, my parents had arrived. My mother rushed quickly to be on her side, forever caring for her beloved daughter-in-law while my father pulled me aside. The disapproval on his face when I told him that I had to leave her was not lost.

“If only you had chosen to work with me and your brother, then you wouldn’t have to leave. Hell, perhaps none of this would have happened in the first place. Had you been leading the company with me, you would have had more liberty in arranging your working hours and work with your own rules instead of having to live under somebody else’s bidding,” my father sneered at me without even bothering to lower his voice down. It was good enough that we were still inside the room instead of out in the hallway where other people could hear his words or see me getting scrutinised so openly. The scoffing that came at the mention of the people I was working for made me flinch that I started to wish the ground could swallow me whole, and he was far from done.

“You wouldn’t be leaving her alone when she needs you the most. Better yet, I would’ve given you and your wife all the time you need to recuperate, take a vacation or another honeymoon if you so wish for it, and you could’ve spent more time focusing on building your family instead of sacrificing everything and wasting your time for a meaningless career under that insufferable piece of ass you are working for.”

It had been no secret at all that my father had no love for my employers. Not only due to the fact that I had chosen to be against his side, refusing to work alongside my family and fulfilling my father’s dream of being able to run his company with his two sons, but the people I worked for had also been a competitor. He had been treating me like a failure since, an utter disappointment for not following his lead. Or, in his own true words, a coward.

But he would never understand.

No matter what I did, I could never be good enough in his eyes. Not when he would constantly compare me with my older brother. My brother, who was a better student all through his life, a better businessman, a better family man, the better son. He had even taken on the role of my wife’s brother so perfectly when her own older sibling had chosen to disown her the day she chose to be with me instead of with her family.

“Look, Dad. It’s not that I don’t want to be here, alright?” I tried talking to my father, cutting him off mid-speech before he continued to rant more nonsense that I had heard too many times before. “I only have one online conference, just this one. This is really important for me and my future with _____, I can’t cancel it last minute. It’s not like we had planned to be in this hospital or to have her collapse this morning when I made the schedule.”

My father’s face hardened and it was clear that he still had a lot more to add. But I steered away from him, avoiding his glare and his impending rage, taking one last look at my mother holding my sleeping wife’s hand before I finally stepped out of the room.

“How is everything?” Minhyuk’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I was still lost in reminiscing everything that had happened earlier today that I had not noticed him entering my office. I have been drowning myself in silence since I got here. Everyone seemed to steer clear from my path when they all found out what had happened. Eyes filled with pity followed me as I walked past, until I shut the door to my office to shelter me from their judgemental looks.

“You know, you didn’t have to be here today. You should be with your wife. It’s not like there’s anything important for you to do here anyway, with the conference call and the board meeting all being cancelled until next Monday.”

My jaw twitched and I looked away to hide the shame and guilt in my face that I knew without a doubt was there. Of course, I knew that the entire schedules I had for today had been cancelled when I talked about them to my father before I left. But he didn’t have to know that.

“My family is there with her,” I told him as I kept my eyes down on my desk, right when the thought of my brother came to mind. There was no doubt that he was possibly there with my parents too already, tending his ‘little sister’ in my place. “I just—thought I should put my attention elsewhere so I won’t stress too much. Perhaps finish some work while I’m at it so I could have my whole weekend nursing her with no interruption.”

Lies. More lies. Although a part of it was true. I needed a distraction.

“Right,” Minhyuk hummed, and for a second there I thought I saw confusion mixed with disbelief in his eyes when I looked at him. “Well, if you need anything, I’m here to talk, alright? Don’t keep it bottled up inside, you have to be strong for her. I’ll come by to visit you guys once she’s returned home.”

I only nodded, pressing down the irritation that was building up due to his words. “Yeah, thanks, man,” I said to him and watched as he walked out the door, closing it behind him to shut me off from the world outside again.

Once I was left alone and the silence returned, I closed my laptop and stood from my chair. Walking off towards the corner of my small private office, I reached for the bottles of liquor that I had stored in my drawers, pouring myself some scotch. With a glass in my hand, I looked out the window, once again letting my sorrow took over.

Minhyuk was right in a way when he said about me bottling things up inside. There were many reasons why I could not stay with her at the hospital. Why I had to get away.

It was too overwhelming for me to stay there. To pretend to be strong for her when I knew I could never. And I had to go before I did or say something I would forever regret. Because where there was sadness in her, for me it was anger.

The anger of the life we had. Anger for having our hopes crushed. Angry at myself. Perhaps I should be angry at her for not being able to conceive or to carry a baby inside her for more than three months. But I could never blame her. Not when each time the rage came through me for all the pain we went through, I was quick to feel guilt. Shame. And I started blaming myself.

Because each time we ended where we were, with her being sent to the hospital to have our baby once again taken away, I would always be reminded of that day.

The day everything fell apart.

The day I ruined her, ruined us, and when what should have been a part of our future was taken away because of my own doing. My own stupidity.

Guilt because of what I did.

Shame because of what I felt.

This was something that I had kept to myself for years and swore that it would be forever buried in my memory. Because if she ever found out, she would never have forgiven me. She would hate me forever for the truth. That was why I had to go. Because I could not let her know. I could not let her see that part of me, knowing that she would never look at me the same again if only I had told her the truth about what I felt the day we lost our first unborn child.

I could never let her know. While at the same time, I could not even know how even if I wanted to.

How could I tell her when all the despair I felt back then was only there because I saw her being hurt and had to endure so much pain? How could I let her know that whenever she cried over our unborn child, there was no sadness on my part or pain of losing the baby?

She could never know that instead of regret and pain, all I felt for the loss then was relief.

What kind of man was I then? And what kind of man was I now, when I kept trying to excuse myself for what I felt even after years had passed? I was relieved to have lost our first child because I had thought we could make a brand new start with it being gone. That we could erase that painful page of our lives and move on. I never wanted that child to exist when neither of us was ready, but I never wanted to lose her, no matter what.

What kind of man did that make me to put her in so much turmoil just because I refused to let her go?

This was the reason why I blamed myself now each time we lost another pregnancy. This had to be my punishment. A punishment that I deserved for loving her with so much greed. For denying our unborn child’s birthright and for causing the loss in the first place.

Every guilt and shame I felt had been haunting me for years. They even came to me in my sleep, filling my nights with nightmares of what I had done and all the things that might happen with ghosts of the past lurking over my shoulder. They came to me in blurred memories, sometimes as vivid as if I was watching past events all over again. But sometimes they were blurry images of wreckages and disasters that seemed to represent our lives.

I had no idea how to stop them. I had no idea how to deal with this guilt inside me. And I know there was no way I could stop feeling this way, this powerless, as long as the guilt stayed strong with me.

How could I fight off her nightmares when I could not handle my own?

A knock on the door broke my thoughts. It was soon opened even before I had a chance to respond, revealing my new secretary from the other side of the door. I should probably address this with her soon, the terrible little habit of hers of barging into my office before I had ever given her permission to.

Song Lena, the new secretary that my boss had recently appointed for me. I had no need for a personal secretary at first, but after being promoted to having my own personal quarter, he insisted that I would need the help. I would have welcomed the good intention if only she didn’t make me feel uncomfortable every time she was around.

There was something about her that made me uneasy when she was in the same room as I was. Perhaps it was the way she looked at me, with her eyes that were always wide and round as she followed all my movements, stalking me with her gaze whenever I was close by then looked at me with something that semblance of hope when I returned her attention. Or perhaps the way she would always become flustered when I talked to her, and how her skin would blush when she talked to me. Maybe it was the way she dressed, with her hair always put up in a bun and her blouse that seemed too tight on her or the way her buttons would hang too low. Or probably the skirt that she wore, one that screamed a classic librarian look yet snugged her curves just enough to make other males look over when she passed.

My close coworkers could not understand when I talked about this with them. Although I could not exactly explain to them the reason for my discomfort to her presence. They could never understand that when they saw a meek, small woman who was capable to do her work for me, all I saw was trouble.

Looking at her silently slipping through the door, I could sense that trouble coming closer. And it was the last thing I needed at a time like this. I said nothing to her until she looked up, looking like a deer in the headlights when she met my gaze.

“Is everything alright, Sir?” she suddenly asked me out of nowhere.

Why do people keep asking me these things?

I had grown tired of it. Tired of people trying to meddle with my life, trying to look into my mind. Tired of people looking at me and wondering what was wrong with me. Because nothing was wrong and yet everything was completely wrong at the same time. And no matter what I said, I could never truly feel that everything was going to be alright.

And why her, of all people?

“You haven’t left the room all day, Sir. And I was wondering—”

“Everything’s fine,” I intentionally snapped. What was her deal anyway? What was she after by sneaking into my office and asking me things about what she had no relevance to? “Is there anything you need, Miss Song?”

I looked straight into her eyes until she grew uncomfortable and avoided my gaze. Surprising, to say the least, when normally her gaze would be plastered all over me.

“If there’s anything else you need—”

“What I need to do is finish my work for the day so I could go back to my wife,” I cut her off, wanting her to just leave already. “What I need you to do is let me be in my peace and make sure that there will be no more distractions coming my way. Hold all calls and move any appointment I might have for the rest of the afternoon. I will handle them all once I get back on Monday. No more interruption until I leave the office.”

Especially from you.

“Yes, Sir,” she muttered softly, bowing slightly before she scurried out of the room.

Tossing down the rest of my drink, I returned to my desk, swallowing the bitterness down my throat. I left because I needed to find peace. Yet it turned out that even my office could no longer bring me the solace I was looking for. Having no work to do, I gathered all my things and prepared to leave, to look for another place where I could cure my sorrow before I could go home to my wife.

A blood-curdling scream filled my head.

And then blood filled my vision. Lots of blood.

I could hear myself screaming, along with my ragged breath, but everything seemed so far away. Even the noises I was making seemed like none of it was coming from me.

But I could still hear myself screaming, pleading—

No. No, please!

As if I already knew what was about to happen, my hands were clutched to my sides and my body was hard and ready. Although I truly had no idea what I was getting ready for.

And then I saw her.

She was standing so beautifully in the distance, right at the center of the room. I had no recollection of where we were but nothing of it mattered. All that mattered was that every light in the room seemed to fall on her. Her presence pulled me in, urging me to reach her, to come closer so I could hold her.

And I did.

I started walking towards her, legs moving on firm footsteps and determination to reach to her side. Yet for some reason, she seemed too far for me to reach. And no matter how far I have walked, I was still getting nowhere closer.

“____?” I called her, my voice sounded muffled when it came out, as if the air had been taken out of my body. She kept her face looking down the whole time, her hands clutching to one another. I called her again as I kept moving closer. Once, twice, then shouted her name louder for her to hear me. “_____!”

That was when she finally raised her face. And all I saw was tears.

“Why, Jungkook?” I heard her say. “I thought you said you loved me.”

I do, I do love you, I tried to speak but nothing came out.

“Why, Jungkook?” She asked me again and her sadness slowly turned to rage. “You liar!”

My heart stopped when she turned away. Wait, I wanted to scream when she started running away from me. No, please don’t go. Please don’t run from me. I heard myself begging her, but still, no sound would come out of my mouth. My legs felt heavy like lead the more I tried to move faster as I came after her, while she kept getting further and further away.

“Please stop, why are you running away from me?”

Then she suddenly stopped and turned to face me. Her tears kept on flowing down like a river on her beautiful face and all I wanted to do was to pull her closer and hold her tight to make it stop. To make this pain in my chest to stop.

“I’m so sorry, ______. I’m so sorry,” I heard myself speak. Why am I asking for forgiveness? What did I do?

She started shaking her head and said to me with soft sobs, “It’s your fault, Jungkook. It’s all your fault.”

Then everything that came next happened so fast. The ground beneath her collapsed and there was nothing I could do to stop it when I watched her fall down towards the darkness, as if the ground itself had pulled her with its fall. All I could do was cry for her name as I watched her fall out of my reach, and felt my knees buckling beneath me as I heard it. The sound of blood-curdling scream echoing around me, the sound of broken glasses and metals filled my head that I cringed and had to cover my head and ears, then I opened my eyes to see the ground turning red with blood.

“No, stop,” my whole body started shaking as I pushed away from there. “No, please stop.”

I was completely shaking when I was pulled awake. My chest felt tight and I found it hard to breathe. Sweat covered my whole body that my shirt, the covers on top of me and the sheets beneath me were all plastered on my skin. My heart was racing inside my chest with the image from my dream still vivid in my head as I opened my eyes to the darkness of my room. I had to blink my eyes many times before I could look around without fearing that the images would return to me.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

I nearly jumped when I heard my wife’s sleepy voice coming from beside me, but slightly relaxed when her hand rested on my chest. My breath still felt heavy and my throat felt so dry that I found it hard to answer. But as I turned to her, looking down to see her wide eyes staring up with a deeply concerned look in them, I finally started to calm down. Reaching out to hold her hand that was pressing on my chest, I took in her beautiful sight. She was right here. She was alright. Then I could finally breathe.

“It’s nothing,” I told her, kissing her forehead to feel her presence.

“Are you sure?”

Exhaling a breath, I could only whisper without looking into her eyes. “Yeah, it’s just—probably stress because I had been really tired today. Let me just get a glass of drink and come back, alright?”

She said nothing and only nodded, and I gave her a smile before stepping out of the bed.

The house was dark when I went down the stairs. Turning up only the lights in the kitchen, I went straight to the fridge for the needed cold drink. And then I just sat there, right at the kitchen island, looking out towards the darkness that I could see around me.

The house was quiet, with only the two of us present at night. But it seemed even more hollow as I sat there, wallowing on the weight that was still present in my chest as I started to picture everything we had imagined when we first got married.

We had huge plans when we first bought this house. With lots of children growing around us, with joy and laughter filling our lives. But years later, and here we were, here I was, questioning myself if there was any way to change the silence that felt so thick in the air with our dreams dying. If there was anything I could do to make things better.

How long would this pain be a part of our lives?

How long was I going to feel this guilt and to have these dreams haunt my sleep?

How long was I going to have to face all this punishment?

I looked down, closing my eyes as I pulled on my messy hair. If only I could change the past, then I would, I thought to myself, admitting defeat. If only I could return to that day and change it all, perhaps our lives would be much different now.

I have given everything to change and try to make that change in our lives ever since I was given a second chance with her. But there would always be one thing that I could not change, no matter what I did. And I was going to live with it forever.

I could not remember exactly when I started to drink so often.

I knew that drinking would never solve my problems or ease the sorrow I was feeling inside me, but at least it was able to help me sleep better. The more I drank, the less I dreamt. And that was enough for me. I have had enough of the nightmares, the cryptic images I saw in my dreams.

I had grown restless with the lack of peaceful sleep and it was starting to take a toll on me. I could not work properly and I kept getting too emotional too easily. It did not help that looking at my wife would remind me of the images I saw in those dreams that sometimes I became angry at her. We had fights and arguments, none of them was ever big enough but was still irritating for me to deal with after spending long hours at work.

That was when I started to look for any means of escape.

It all started by drinking on my own at home. But then when my wife started questioning me of my new habit and I started seeing the concerned look in her eyes when she did, so I started to find a way to drink away from home to avoid them every Friday night. Then what had started as once a week of habit became twice, then it became even more often as my friends started asking me out to join them on different occasions.

The more time I spent being out, the more I came home too drunk and too tired to talk, the more we fought.

She hated seeing me that way. She would always wait for me until I returned home, no matter how late I would be. She would never talk about it as she helped me get to bed, nor when she nursed my terrible hangovers the next morning, but she would never be silent when the time was right for her to talk about it. And each time the intervention started, the conversation would only lead to another verbal fight. Until one day, she just grew tired of it and I kept finding ways to dodge the confrontation that she stopped trying, then we just stopped talking altogether.

The distance that was growing between us was hard to ignore, but I just let it happen. She would never understand anyway, I kept telling myself whenever I saw the pain in her eyes when she saw me at my lowest. Nobody could.

It was on a Wednesday night when I went to a bar downtown. It was a fancy new place that I was not too familiar with, located further away from the one I frequently went to. But I was invited by an old friend, someone who was there before my life became what it was, someone who knew me in a much different light.

I had agreed to meet him there when I was reluctant to come home early, after having a small argument with my wife the night before. Hoping that perhaps a little time away and a few drinks might help loosen the tension in my body before coming home to her. A part of me also hoped that meeting up with him would help remind me of the good times and help me forget about everything that was unpleasant back home.

“Remember back then, when everything seemed so easy?” Eunwoo asked me after a few rounds of drink and an hour long of catching up with our lives. “All we did then was party every night, tossed drinks here and there and woke up with hangovers that we had to hide them with sunglasses during those morning classes with Professor Lim.”

I could not help but laugh at the memories. “Everything was so simple then,” I muttered. So simple, yet it all turned so complicated the moment you looked away.

“Yeah,” Eunwoo sighed, drinking his booze down to the last drop, looking so deep in his thoughts as he placed the glass down. “I wonder where things got so wrong.”

I let out a scoff. “Too many things at the same time. We got older, we made bad decisions, forgetting how to have fun when we’re busy chasing for wealth and careers instead of the things we dreamed about having back in college. Then we start creating more problems to fix all the problems we have created along the way.”

My rant was welcomed by silence at first, then I turned to see Eunwoo gawking at me before he laughed. “How drunk are you, man?” he snickered and patted my back. “Why are you turning into the one sulking and being so deep and mellow for?” He suddenly became bitter and turned to his drink. “You’ve had your chance of wallowing in sorrow for months already. I’m the one who had just gotten a divorce today, so it’s now my chance to dwell on my sorrow. You’re only here to listen to me sulk while drowning myself in alcohol.”

Shaking my head, I took my turn to pat him on his back. “No, man. I’m here to make sure you come out of this place in one piece.”

That sure drew a smile on his face. He glanced at me and shook his head. “Let’s see who’s going to do a better job at it by the end of the night, shall we?” he challenged me then, before waving at the bartender to refill our drinks.

We fell into another round of drink and a long aimless talk before Eunwoo looked bored and glanced around, his eyes falling to another table just across the room which was occupied by two unfamiliar ladies. We must have been so engrossed in our talk that I had not been paying much attention to our surroundings, the place had grown more crowded now that it was getting late, but Eunwoo’s eyes seemed to unable to look away once they fell on that certain table.

I followed his eyes after noticing that he had his full attention on them, suddenly getting more interested to know how they managed to catch my intoxicated companion’s eyes. The first one I noticed was the one sitting facing us. Even while sitting down, I could tell that she had the body height of a model. She was wearing a crop top and something that looked like a mini skirt from the angle I was seeing her in. And it was clear that my friend’s eyes were plastered completely on her when he spoke with a grin,

“Do you think they would welcome us to join them if we buy them a drink?”

There was a feeling and also a thought nagging me at the back of my head, something that kept telling me that I may not like where this was headed. But I pushed them aside and asked anyway, “What are you thinking?”

Eunwoo took another glance at the woman before turning to me. “Remember back then when we went to those frat parties? You always did a good job of being my wingman. I probably wouldn’t have had any chance with the girls I hooked up with if it wasn’t for you,” he said with glassy wide eyes. I had no idea whether the look in his eyes came from reminiscing the old time we spent together or that he was already so drunk. “As this is the first night I am officially back into the market, don’t you think I should start practising on my skills with single ladies?”

I could not resist the urge to scoff. “What makes you think they are single?”

He only shrugged and glanced their way again. “I don’t know. I’ve been watching them and pretty sure I haven’t seen any dudes joining their table,” he said with conviction, then looked deep into my eyes with his signature pleading gaze. The look that had me agreeing to him so many times before when we were back in college. “The tall one seems nice. She looks exactly my type, don’t you think?”

Shaking my head, I only chuckled at him. “You mean looking like your ex?”

“Shove it,” he scowled, yet the wicked smile on his face remained. “The other one reminds me of that red haired chick who kept following you around and clinging onto your arm the whole time before you met your wife. What was her name?”

I looked over to the pair, finally noticing the other woman who was sitting there with her back on us. I never paid her much attention when I glanced their way before. But even as I looked at her now, all I saw was her long, wavy hair and her fair skin. My mind flew to the past instead of taking the sight of the one I was looking at, suddenly reminded of the girl he was talking about. It took me a moment before I finally remembered her name. “Minhee?” I asked him with a grimace. None of the memory I had with her was pleasing enough to remember.

My reaction drew a chuckle from my friend. “Yeah, that one. That was one weird chick,” he said, snickering a little before hiding his own grimace by downing his drink. He placed his empty glass with a loud tap on the table and said, “You can take the small one while I go for the tall friend.”

“I’m not taking anyone, you wuss. Unlike you, I am still very much a married man,” I goaded with a grin while wiggling my fingers on his face, forcing him to look at my shiny wedding ring.

“Pfft—I’m not insinuating anything, you prick,” he scoffed as he pushed me away. “Just talk to her so I could get closer to her friend.” Patting my back a few times, he took the bottle of scotch we managed to get from the bar and his empty glass with him and started walking towards their table, looking over his shoulder briefly to make sure I was coming. “Come on already so we can get you home to your wife once I’m done.”

Reluctantly, I finally pushed myself off the bar and followed behind him with my drink in hand. I never noticed how tipsy I was getting until I started staggering on my feet right as I began to walk. I truly had no idea why Eunwoo compared this woman with that annoying ex-fling of mine back in college. Perhaps it was the colour of her hair, that look fiery red under the warm lights, or the way she was swaying left to right on her seat to enjoy the music coming from the speakers. But as I finally had gotten closer, waiting for Eunwoo to make his move of getting the invitation he so desperately wanted, I finally took a better look at her and understood why.

I recognised her before she even noticed me standing right by her side. The usual carelessly buttoned-up blouse and the librarian skirt had been replaced with a tight strapless dress wrapping her small body. Her hair that was usually pulled up in a bun had been let loose on her back, looking thick and wavy against her skin. The black kitten heels she normally wore had been replaced by a pair of stilettos that made her legs curve differently.

As Eunwoo took his place next to her friend, she finally looked up to me with no expectation whatsoever. Until her eyes turned wide as she took me in.

“M-Mr. Jeon,” she gasped, definitely never expecting to see me there, trying to take the empty seat beside her.

All I did was nod, then forced myself to smile as I greeted her timidly. “Evening, Miss Song Lena.”

I had no idea if it was because I was too drunk to notice, or if being in this place made such a difference, but I found myself not minding my secretary’s presence at all. In fact, we seemed to have been having such a pleasant time talking and laughing, and cheering with our drinks.

After some point, once I could even barely ignore the way everything around me was turning blurry and started spinning, Eunwoo and his new lady friend had already been gone from our table and Lena started to move much closer. Too close for comfort perhaps, if only it had happened while I was sober. But I could no longer care about it. After such a long time of living in darkness, I was finally having fun. And the woman now clinging to my arm with her chest pressed against my skin was the least of my concern. I was no longer reminded of the pain and was starting to forget the reason why I was here in the first place.

Reaching for the bottle Eunwoo had left behind with only a small amount of drink left in it, I started to refill my glass, wanting to wash away the bitterness that suddenly started to creep in. But before I could have my fill, a small hand reached for mine to stop me.

“Mr. Jeon, I really think—”

Placing my other hand to cover her small one, I looked down on her face. The wide grin on my own face seemed to refuse to go away as I spoke to her. “Please, don’t call me that. We’re not at the office now, are we? Call me Jungkook.”

“Jungkook,” she tried it out, smiling just as wide and looking just as drunk as myself. “I really think you’ve had enough drink, Jungkook. You’re really drunk. Perhaps you should tone it down a little or perhaps we should get you home.”

Home.

My heart jumped for a brief moment at the mention of my home. My smile instantly faded and I felt terribly bitter as I was reminded of what was waiting for me if I should come home now. My memory was filled with the arguments my wife and I had the night before, the one that had me avoiding to see her tonight for regretting everything I had said to her. I had started to forget it all; all the pain that refused to recede from my chest no matter how hard I kept trying to replace it with anger, the hurt I felt when I saw the hurt in her eyes. I just wanted to erase everything from my memory and erase this pain.

“No, I don’t need to stop,” I muttered, shaking my head intently while I tried to push away the storm in my head, the overflowing emotion rising in my chest when I thought of her. “I need to forget.”

“About what?” Lena asked me. I could not remember how we had gotten so much closer that I could not only see the frown on her face, but also the freckles on her skin. I just wanted to drown myself in her warmth that had been enveloping me—mostly my arm that had been in her clutched hold for the past hour—and in her scent that was much different to the sweetness of my wife’s that I had grown used to for years.

I had no idea how I had gotten so close to her until I felt the tip of her nose grazing mine. And I felt her warm breath fanning my lips as I descended even much closer to her.

“Everything,” I murmured, keeping my eyes looking at her lips as I pleaded, “Please help me forget.”

She said nothing more as I covered her lips in mine, erasing every thought in my head with a searing kiss on her red lips.

After weeks of getting myself almost constantly intoxicated, waking up with a pounding headache would have been something that to be expected when I opened my eyes.

But as I found myself slowly waking up in such a state that morning, there was something about this one that felt wrong.

As I tried to pull my heavy eyelids open, I found it hard to remember how long I have fallen asleep or if I have slept at all. It felt like I only had passed out briefly, because the haziness was still there and my whole body was far from recovering from the alcohol I had been drinking all night. And I could still remember that I had drunk a lot.

Taking a deep breath, I tried to push away this heaviness that kept me under, only to have my body falling frozen and my heart pacing to a rapid beat.

What the fuck?

Fear engulfed me like never before when my senses slowly came to life. Because as my body moved, I felt nothing covering my skin aside to the covers on top of me. Then when I took a whiff of the air around me, the usual scent that enveloped me—the sweetness that belonged to my wife and had always been a part of our home—was not there. Instead, there was a completely different scent that filled my senses, a strong floral perfume that my wife had never worn before. And a different softness of hair that was lying over my bare arm.

Please tell me that this is just another dream. A different kind of dream.

I cursed and pleaded as I forced my eyes open, only to feel dread coming all over me with what I had found. I finally understood why everything felt so different compared to my usual mornings. The room where I was in was not the one I had in my home, nor was I on my own bed. And I already knew before I turned to look that whoever lying next to me with her hair falling on my skin was not her.

The red hair that had turned into a tussled mess around me was the first thing I saw as I looked down. Then I saw her, the small woman who was lying sideways with her back facing me, the covers covering her body that was presumably just as naked as I was.

My heartbeat kept on racing as everything started to come back to me piece by piece. Everything I saw in my head was still foggy and I could only remember parts of it. But those were the only parts that mattered.

I remembered kissing her red lips, then hearing her husky voice asking me if I was ready to leave. I remembered leaning on her as she guided me to a black car that was not mine. A Black Uber, perhaps, the kind of ride that I would usually call for to drive me home after I had been out drinking. And then more kisses continued, fingers clawing on my clothes, hands flailing and touching everywhere before I fell back onto this bed.

Then more parts of the forgotten memory kept coming back. The image of her underneath my body, of me being on top of her, then the image of me being inside her. And I remembered thinking I was looking deep into my wife’s eyes instead of the same sultry gaze that had been stalking me for days at work.

Just when I was reminded of her touch on my body and the way our bodies united in my blurred memory, my stomach started to churn and I felt the urge to barf.

Holding my breath, I tried to move as subtle as I possibly could to slide off the bed. Thankful for the fact that she was not sleeping on top of me while cursing for not knowing whether or not she was a light sleeper. Perhaps she was just as intoxicated as I was or if I had somehow left her extremely exhausted that I managed to escape unscathed. And thank God that I made it straight to the bathroom without waking her up, because I barely managed to reach for the toilet before I could spill out all the contents from my stomach.

I was then left heaving on the floor with shame. It took me a while to gather myself, then quickly cleaned the mess I made before pushing myself off from the floor. After washing off my face, I stood there right in front of the mirror. My hands were still shaking as I leaned on the washbasin and took a look at my own reflection. I nearly crumbled down when I found the person looking back at me was someone I could barely recognise.

The red bloodshot eyes I sported were rimmed with fear and regret. My whole face was swollen after throwing up and for drinking so much, and my hair was a tangled mess. I took a quick look all over my skin and other visible parts of my body, looking for any marks that she might have left behind as proof of my infidelity. Yet even after I found my skin still intact and clear of any marks or wound, there was no possible way for me to say the same thing about what I was feeling deep inside.

Somewhere inside my chest, I was nothing but a cluttered mess. Broken and wounded pieces under the thick skin that covered the darkness of my soul. I knew right then that on my way of hiding myself from guilt, I had trapped myself in a different kind of sin.

“What have I done?”

Right after I managed to pull myself together, I immediately gathered my belongings and left the hotel room. Moving so quick without taking another glance at the woman still sleeping soundly on the messy estranged bed. I was fortunate enough to have been awakened at dawn, that I was able to reach home when the sky was still dark and I still had hours before my wife would wake up.

The house was as quiet and still as dark as ever when I walked past the front door. It had me making a lot of effort to not create any noise to break the silence while still carrying the remnants of my hangover. I looked around the empty living room, exhaling a relief sigh when there was no hint of my wife waiting up for me there last night.

Yet the thought of her waiting for me to return home, while I had ended up elsewhere, brought back the feeling of guilt in my chest that I stopped myself from walking up the stairs. Looking up from the bottom of the main stairwell, I felt an invisible weight anchoring me down from stepping up.

The crippling doubt made me question myself—

Am I even still worthy of going up there to our bedroom? Wouldn’t it be so wrong of me to join her in bed, on our bed, after sharing one with another woman?

Running my shaking hands through my hair, I started to back away from the stairs. Feeling unworthy of being anywhere close to the woman who I had vowed my life and my love to when I could still feel the touch of another all over my body. So instead of going back to her, I went to the guest bathroom downstairs, taking my time to wash and scrub off my skin, even if I had done just the same before I had left the hotel. Carrying the soiled clothes I came home with, I went to the laundry room, tossed everything into the hamper and put on a clean shirt and a pair of sweatpants that I could find, then went to my home-office after popping a few hangover pills. Choking up the tears that were threatening to fall, I lied down on the couch to sleep off the rest of my hangover, all while wishing that this nightmare would end the moment I opened my eyes.

The sun was peeking through the windows, carrying its warmth on me when I was gently nudged awake.

I was relieved to find the headache was long gone. And despite still feeling slightly foggy, I was able to blink away the tiredness in my eyes and slowly came to wake. Her face was the first thing I saw, hovering on top of me with a small smile. I swallowed hard to press down the guilt at the worried look in her eyes and the small frown forming between her brows.

“Morning,” my wife greeted me. I felt her hands brushing my messy hair, entangling the curls while feeling my warm skin with her soft palm.

“Morning,” I rasped out, exhaling a breath and looked away from her. “What time is it?”

“It’s almost eight,” she said. “Have you been here all night? I didn’t hear you coming home.”

“I didn’t want to wake you up,” I said as I looked at her then stopped myself. Suddenly remembering her habit of waiting up for me, I started to feel worried about slipping out wrong or making a mistake of giving away my last night’s whereabouts. I pushed myself up to sit on the couch with her help and it was then when I noticed the tired bags under her eyes. “You didn’t wait up for me, did you?”

Her lips turned to a small, thin smile and shook her head. “I wanted to, especially cause I wanted to apologise for our last argument. I spent the whole afternoon working and met up with your Mom, then came home extremely exhausted. The new meds the doctor gave me also made me sleep like a baby right after dinner.”

I had to resist the need for exhaling a relieved sigh at her answer. The thought of her finding out that I had not come home until it was close to morning would only lead to more questions.

Questions I had no answers to.

I kind of hated the meds she was taking, the ones that kept her feeling constantly exhausted that made her all jumpy and emotional. This morning, however, for the first time ever, I felt slightly grateful for its presence, for how it had helped her sleep and missed me coming home. I had no idea what came over me then, as I felt the relief of having her near and the feel of her warmth that I had missed so much, I suddenly reached out to her and hold her in my arms.

I heard her nervous chuckle coming out briefly as I tightened my hold around her body. And I felt so calm when instead of questioning it, she returned my hug instead and released a soft sigh. I slightly pulled away to look at her face, relishing on her comfort and the love in her gaze. That had me lost in a moment of silence and peace, and did nothing at first when she slowly leaned up to kiss my lips.

I felt her soft lips on mine and returned the favour, taking in her sweetness with my own. My eyes fluttered to close when she deepened our kiss, while my hand moved lower to pull her closer to my chest and led her straddling on my lap.

Yet the moment her face disappeared from my sight, another one came to me. Red devilish hair and sinful lips taking over my mind that I suddenly felt disgusted at myself and slowly pushed away.

I opened my eyes to find her confused stare looking at me, making me feel even more guilty and shameful that I had let someone else touched what was hers.

“I, uh—” I sheepishly looked away, hiding my face from her before she could see right through me. “I should probably freshen up first.”

She softly chuckled at me, kissing my jaw and my cheeks before pushing herself off of me. “Okay, I’ll go make breakfast and some strong coffee for you.”

I returned her smile and watched her walk out the door, then held my head tight in my shaking hands. I had managed to escape, though only barely, and the guilt was eating me up inside.

As I remembered the woman who I had left behind, to come home to the woman who my heart and soul truly belonged to, I made a vow to never again allow something like this to happen. I dreaded the thought of having to come back to work and meet my secretary, to face her and no doubt forced to answer why I had left her with no words. But I promised myself that the next time I finally met her, I would put an end to whatever this was before it could ever progress into something more. Something that may harm the life and the marriage that had already been hanging by a thread.

By hook or by crook, I would have to find a proper way to apologise to Song Lena and make her understand that she was a mistake that could never happen ever again.

I was supposed to end it.

That was the promise I made to myself when I left home this morning. Determined to make amends and move on after making her understand that I could never let things be. Then to come home to my wife and fix every single mess I had created before it was too late.

But then, right after a few arguments behind my locked office door and an intense battle against her pleading eyes of hunger, I ended up here, with my pants stripped down to my ankles and my cock enveloped by her sinful red lips.

“Fuck!” I hissed under my breath, not even sure if it was me cursing at myself for losing my sanity or to the pleasure she was giving me.

I kept moving my hips, pumping my hard cock in and out of her hot mouth. I could feel her hollowing her cheeks around my girth, as if she was trying to suck me dry. Her tongue lied flat, each bump triggering every nerve ending as I glided my length back and forth against it with vigour. I felt her hot breath fanning my skin each time I pulled out. I felt her fingers digging into my thighs, and her soft hair that had fallen off of her usual bun had been entangled between my fingers as I fisted them under the haze of lust.

Yet through it all, I kept my eyes closed.

I refused to look at her face as I fucked her mouth. Unwilling to acknowledge that the woman now kneeling on the floor before me with her mouth around my cock was not the same woman I was married to. To erase the dreadful guilt, and the bitterness that had my chest tightened, I replaced her image with the image of my own wife behind my closed eyelids. For a while, it worked, just enough to help let myself go to the pleasure. That was until she pulled back, releasing my cock from her lips with a pop.

Surprised to have her stopping right when I was close to releasing my load down her throat, I opened my eyes, instantly regretting the rude awakening as I saw her face and her swollen lips.

Looking up at me, she reached up to cover my hard cock with her small palm. “Are you sure you want to let this go?” she purred while fisting me slowly. “I can keep a secret. I can be anything you want. I can help you forget whatever it is that you need to erase from your mind. Nobody needs to know.”

Gritting my teeth, I tightened my fist on her hair, making her leaned slightly back with the hard pull, no doubt feeling the pain. I could just let go and push her off of me, then kick her out of my office and be done with her. That was what I supposed to do. But I didn’t. I needed release. So instead, I pulled her head towards me, leading her lips to return to my cock.

“Stop talking and take my cock back in your mouth before I change my mind,” I hissed at her, taking her by surprise that she widened her eyes. She looked terrified for a moment, before she finally gave in and did what I told her to.

I groaned loudly as she expertly swirled her tongue around the head, sucking on it gently before sliding the length of it into her mouth. Staring down at her from between half-closed lids, I watched her take every inch of me until her nose was pressed against my torso. I knew she was trying to tease, to light the fire in me so I would fall to her charms.

But I refused to give her control.

With the hand that was still fisting on her thick red hair, I abruptly pushed her to me and thrust my hips forward, forcing myself to go in deep. I felt her fingers digging deeper into my skin in shock and her muffled cry around my cock, but I was already so deep in her throat that any noise she was making would never come out.

Without giving her a chance to adjust to my cock, I immediately started moving, pumping my cock in and out of her throat. Her hot mouth and tight muscles felt like magic that I could feel myself rising higher and higher to the peak of my release. Once again, I kept my eyes closed. Along with the pleasuring bliss that slowly rising in my body, also came disgust. Disgust at her, at myself for letting this to happen, and at my body that was enjoying everything she was giving me.

The emotional turmoil was quick to rise up into another yet again as I kept fucking her mouth. Anger came to me next, and it led me to fuck her even harder. I kept pumping and thrusting so fast as if I was punishing her. Her muffled cries and the sounds of her gagging around my cock only pushed me further into the undying urge of exploding my cum.

“Swallow everything. Don’t you dare leave out any last drop,” I commanded her when I felt my balls tightening. I could feel every word I gave her filled with hatred and rage, but she was too far gone in her lust to notice that she kept on going, loosening her throat as she continued taking me deep, quickly driving me to the brink of orgasm.

It didn’t take long before I finally shot my whole load down her throat. Biting the insides of my cheeks to hold back from screaming or hollering, knowing that it would be my wife’s name that I screamed out if I had let it go. And once again, she did everything I told her to do, swallowing every drop of cum before she finally released me.

She was left in a heaving mess on the floor when I pulled back, tucking my barely limped dick back into my pants. I turned around when she clumsily pushed herself up, not bothering to help or notice her struggling as I focused on fixing my clothes and then moved to my desk, keeping my back on her. Silence fell between us, before I heard her making a move towards me. But I cut her off from trying.

“You can leave now, Miss Song,” I told her then, not giving her any chance to say anything to me first. I could hear a soft gasp from her and there was no need for me to turn around to see her body stiffening. I could feel her body reacting to my words just as I could feel her gaze on my back. The cold tone I was giving her probably hurt, but that was exactly what I needed her to feel. “I will call you again if I ever have a need for your service,” I gave her the final dismissal while nonchalantly ruffling the papers on my desk, and heard her soft voice in return.

“Yes, Sir. Understood,” she said to me. She made a few shuffling noises behind my back before I heard her small footsteps heading towards the door. The door opening and closing shielded me and my secrets behind her, and my whole facade instantly broke apart.

Gripping the edge of my desk, I bent forward and hung my head low. I could not even comprehend what had just happened and why I had fucking done it. I could not even begin to explain what I felt after all of that and I could not even deny myself that it did make me feel good for a brief moment.

In a way, she did help me forget. But the pleasure was quick to be replaced with sorrow and remorse the moment it all passed.

It was not just another mistake. I was sober, I was sane, and I had let that woman once again soil my skin with her devilish touches. I was going to burn in hell, and I would let my lovely wife light that torch herself to punish me. But before any of it would happen, I might have already gone too deep in this blissful sin and have sold my soul to the devil herself.

All this time, all I needed was to be saved.

Saved from my own mistakes and from making any new ones, saved from the darkness that had begun to ruin the life I had with my wife. The marriage I had treasured so much in the past after fighting for it for so long.

Have I grown tired of fighting? Have I lost my way so far that I had let myself too far gone to be saved now?

Weeks had passed after I had given in to my darkest desire, to open a chance for Song Lena to slip through the seams. She had served perfectly well as a form of my escape. Someone who was capable to provide a place where I could take out all of my anger and the overflowing emotion I had kept bottled in. I could release myself to her and forget for a moment that all the pain and sorrow around me never existed.

But at what price?

What we did could never compare to what I had with my wife. Song Lena was a drug that I used to cure my sorrow but had grown addicted to. At the first few weeks I had let our secret affair to continue, I kept telling myself that it was all she was to me and nothing more. She was never anything more, but I kept finding it hard to make it stop.

Then what had started as a way to cope and hide my demons from the person I loved the most, ended up pushing me far away from her.

I had been keeping a lot of secrets from her for so long but they were nothing compared to this one. This secret had become a new burden I could no longer bear alone. Not when I kept feeling as if she could see right through me.

But it was also this new guilt I carried that was to blame. How could I kiss her when I could still feel another woman’s lips on me? How could I give her the same kind of love she was giving me when I touched another before I returned to her?

How could I touch her and make love to her when I felt terribly soiled and dirty for all that I have done behind her back? I was no longer worthy of her love, of her touch, and I knew I was no longer worthy of having her in my life. But I also knew that it was impossible for me to let her go. I could never imagine living this life without her.

I knew I had to stop it. To stop all the sin, the secret, the affair. I had to before it would be much too late. I could not even look into her eyes without wondering if she knew what I was hiding from her. Every time she looked at me with pain in her eyes, every time I felt how far we were growing apart, I always vowed to make things right for her. Only to have my own addiction to the poison that was Song Lena to come back to me strong.

I needed something stronger to make me stop. I needed to be saved before I fell much deeper into the darkness and lost everything I treasured and loved.

“A wake up call is what you need,” Minhyuk spoke to me one day. “Perhaps it would help stop you from constantly being so broody and looking so morose that you scare people away. Go take a vacation with your wife or something.”

He had noticed that something was wrong with me, as he had done many other times. But he never once questioned what it was. All he did was try to help me find a way to get passed it. I was never quite sure if Minhyuk had ever suspected anything happening between me and my secretary. We had always been discreet, and we never tried to do anything while we were at the office, where there were many eyes looking in. Eyes of the people who knew my wife so well. We barely even shared that many times in the public together either. We would usually meet up at her place, or back at the bar which had started everything.

But I would not look past him to have seen all the signs. Which led to me questioning if anyone else would have known about it.

What if _____ ever found out?

Perhaps a wake up call was what I needed to get out of this hole, I admitted to myself then, not knowing that it would soon come to me in a form that I had never truly expected.

I had long lost track of time. No longer bothered to count the passing days, weeks, or months. It was like I was living without a purpose, simply going where my path was leading me to.

I had arranged to meet Lena at the usual bar that night. The next night after a mild argument with my wife had taken place. It was the only place where I would rarely meet anyone I knew, and it was far enough from home to make sure nobody would see us entering or leaving. At least, that was how I had expected it to be.

We had yet to spend time in that place for long. Perhaps a little over an hour and still sporting our first drink. I had chosen for us the secluded booth at the far end of the bar which would be able to hide us from the crowd or any spying eyes. Only to find out that we were not completely hidden after all.

“Jeon Jungkook. I would say that it was a nice surprise seeing you here, but I’m sure you would understand why I wouldn’t think that it was, won’t you?”

I was in the middle of speaking to Lena, whispering close to her ear, my body leaning towards her with my back facing outside the booth. But there was no need for me to look over to know who it was. His voice itself was just enough to make me feel as if a bucket of ice water had just been thrown at me that I had turned frozen cold in my seat. Lena must have felt the change in me that she looked over with full confusion in her eyes while slowly pushing herself away from me.

“Min Yoongi,” I responded to him, gritting my teeth, before finally turning around. “I must say, you are the last person I would have expected to see at this place.”

“Then I could only say the same,” he bitterly spat at me, his eyes flickering between Lena and me, lingering on her to scrutinise her with his dark eyes.

The look in his eyes was impossible to miss. When he was sending a look filled with disgust towards the woman beside me, his gaze on me was filled with utter disappointment and rage.

To say that the encounter was unpleasant would be the understatement of the year. The silent battle against his judgemental look was already so hard enough to deal with, it was another when he pulled me to the side, knocking some sense out of me by nearly breaking my jaw, before he pulled me by my collar so he could chastise me face to face.

“Do you really think that your wife is that stupid, Jeon Jungkook?” he spat at me, every single word that came out of him was lathered with malice. “I could easily smell all the smoke and alcohol on your body, and that whore’s perfume all over your clothes. Do you think you are too good to get away with it?”

I could feel my face turning pale. A moment of epiphany came through me as I was reminded to our huge argument a few nights ago, when I came home late and drunk and she was there waiting for me the way she always did. But that night, instead of helping me up to bed, all she did was turn her back on me and walked off, before slamming the bedroom door right in front of my face.

Could she have known my secrets then? Could she have scented the perfume that was nothing like hers covering my body when I came home?

A tug on the front of my clothes pulled me back to Yoongi’s hateful stare on me. He was still holding me up by my collars, and I did nothing to fight him. From the many years I have come to know this man before me, following the years when he suddenly built up a close friendship with my wife, I had always known how much he cared for her. So I let him spit out all of his anger at me.

I deserved every blow he was giving me anyway. And so I took it all in without a fight.

“Do you even know what your wife is doing right now? Don’t you even think of her waiting for you to come home, sleeping on the couch every night so she could help your sorry drunk ass to bed? She is the one who is waiting for you at home, she’s the one who has been taking care of you and your things. Do you really think she wouldn’t find out? You better think again because trust me, you would regret it when she finally does.”

I had to swallow hard at the words he had just given me. Am I too late already? Was I already losing her?

Noticing the lack of fight I was giving him, Yoongi finally released me. Or, to be precise, tossed me away with pure disgust on his face. I looked up just as he was starting to walk off, leaving me in my own indiscretion and shaky mess.

Right before he finally left me completely alone and disappeared through the crowd, he added his last word that stung deep inside my chest. “You better get your act together before you lose her. Just don’t come running at me when she finally gains her senses and leaves you.”

I stood there, watching his back getting further away before I could collect myself and recover, only to have lost the need to stay there any longer. So I went back to our booth, pulled Lena away from our seat and out of the club. She kept trying to talk to me throughout the ride, to understand what the hell was going on. But as I had lost the urge to be with her any longer, to be anywhere close to her or to even touch her, I only dropped her off at her place without saying any word at all.

I never even bothered looking back as I sped off from the property, needing to reach home as fast as I could. The sudden need to see my wife and make sure that she was there at home kept me on the edge.

All I wanted at that moment was to find my wife. Hold her tight and never let go. I was never a believer, but I kept praying and hoping that I could prove to Yoongi, and myself, that he was wrong.

Another argument was in commence as I returned to the office the week after.

This time, I had prepared my armour when I summoned Song Lena to my office first thing in the morning, before any of us had any chance to start working.

“You can’t be serious,” she nearly screamed at me.

She had come in here with a wide smile, thinking that she would finally have a chance for a morning quickie after denying her one for so long. Add that with the fact that I have spent the whole week ignoring her advances and neglecting her. She came in with wide hopeful doe eyes that were soon flooded with brimming tears after I had crushed whatever it was she had hoped to gain. At the moment, she was standing right at the other end of my desk, her palms pressing down its top as she leaned forward to yell at my face after her shock had worn off.

For the past week, I had tried to find a way for me to end everything and avoid any other chances of repeating the same mistake in the future. There was no way I could just simply end things between us when she was still working as my personal secretary, so I had arranged for her transfer and for her to be replaced by a temp. Even better, I had requested for a male assistant for a change.

“I am more than serious, Miss Song.” I saw her flinch slightly at the sudden usage of her surname. Signifying that whatever we had in our ‘arrangements’ to be permanently terminated. “Your services and assistance, both in the office and out of work, is no longer needed. And yes, I have arranged for you to be transferred as a replacement for Mrs. Kwon on the upper floor.”

I looked up from the screen of my laptop which I had been paying more attention to, meeting her dejected face with a smile. “Congratulations, you had just gotten yourself a promotion. Wasn’t that what you had been aiming for all along?”

She let out a gasp and stared at me with disbelief. “No! That was never my intention when I said I wanted to be with you,” she whisper-yelled at me. Either she was too emotional to speak normally or that she was still reasonable enough to make sure nobody would hear our arguments. Perhaps it was both, or more so the first because her voice started to tremble when she kept talking, “I was—I have been true and honest and genuine, and I thought you felt it too—”

“You knew what you got yourself into when you came to me, Miss Song. I have never once promised you anything more than what I have given you, haven’t I?” I cut her off before she could finish her sentence, already feeling a bit irritated at the way she was reacting and her implications.

How dare she think I would want more from her? All I did was use her body and all I have done was to leave after a quick fuck to ignore all the bad memories. I had made it clear from the start that those were the only things I needed from her. If she refused to remember or to deny it, then I would gladly remind her.

Seeing that I was never going to entertain her by saying the words she wanted to hear from me, she wiped her tears off her face and glared at me with despise. “You will regret this,” she threatened me with a lowered voice.

The only reaction I gave her was a soft chuckle. Leaning back in my seat, I looked at her straight in the eye, making sure that the words I was about to give her would sink in deep. “The only regret I am feeling right now is for not ending it much sooner,” I told her, never breaking my gaze. “And I will only regret it more if I let this continue and let this hurt my wife in the future.”

She looked at me as if I had just slapped her in the face. Perhaps I just did. Only that I had done it by slapping her with the reality that she had so much tried to ignore. She had known all along that my marriage would always come first. At least, she was supposed to know it.

I knew she would feign innocence through all of this, but it was more than clear that she was not. It was not like she never knew about my wife’s existence. She came in knowing that I was a committed man, with years of marriage which I would never let go of so easily. Perhaps I had taken it all for granted for a moment when she came in stirring my life to a storm, but I was not going to do so any longer.

“You should pack your belongings and get a move on. Mr. Cho has been expecting you. As you already know, it’s going to be Mrs. Kwon’s last week running as Mr. Cho’s secretary after her retirement has been approved, so he would need your further assistance right away,” I told her before she could even recover, forcing her to look up at me again. “I’m sure you wouldn’t want to make our CEO waiting, do you?”

I could tell that she had lost the will to fight. Her shoulder had slumped down and her strong determination had faded off to none. “No, I supposed not,” she softly whispered, turning to leave my office. I could still feel her eyes on me before she finally looked away in defeat, but I already had my eyes looking away, turning my attention back to my work.

I stopped her again just when she was reaching for the door.

“Before you go,” I called for her, waiting until she was looking at me again before I continued, “If you ever speak of anything that had happened in the past few months to anyone, ever, I will make sure that you won’t be having any promising future in this company.”

I could see her jaw twitching, the broken look in her eyes turned to malice. “Is that a threat, Mr. Jeon?”

“No, Miss Song,” I told her, still looking straight into her eyes and spoke firmly. “It is a promise.”

My former secretary was not the only one who was caught by surprise when the news of her transfer had spread out.

Later that day, Mr. Cho himself came by to my office. It was already at the end of the working hour so we decided to have a chat while sharing a bottle of scotch. He came to report the sudden change happening on his floor, noting how nervous and slightly tense my former secretary was when she came to see him. But he did commend her after she finally adjusted to the flow of work under the guidance of Mrs. Kwon.

“Pretty sure she will have it all figured out in no time by how she was quick to follow Mirae’s instructions. You were right, she can really handle things pretty well under pressure,” he told me, looking pleased that my recommendation fitted with his needs. All I gave him was a nod and a shrug that was meant to say ‘I told you so’, choosing to hide my relieved smile by raising my drink to my lips. But then I nearly choked when he teasingly added, “Are you sure you won’t regret letting that sweet little thing go?”

I had to resist the urge to scoff. I covered it with a chuckle instead while shaking my head. “She does have good ethics at work, but she doesn’t have the same outlook of things as I do. She will be missed on this floor, maybe more so with the other staffs who have been much closer to her than I have been.”

My statement had him laughing. “I knew if there is anyone in this building who wouldn’t fall for her charm then it would be you,” he said, patting my back as he spoke. “I get it though. If I had such a beautiful and alluring wife such as yours, I wouldn’t be looking at other women either. You’re a lucky man, Jungkook.”

My breath hitched for hearing what he just said. This time, I covered my flustered state by chugging on my drink and smiled. We continued to talk about the company and other things related to work, but my mind was no longer focused on the present and I was barely listening. Deep inside, fear came building up inside me as I started to wonder if I was running out of luck already, if I had already spoiled the one I treasured most and was letting it slip right out of my hands.

That day I came home early, with the hope that I could take my wife out for dinner. It had been a while since I had taken her out on a date. Even worse, it had been long since we spent any quality time just the two of us. I figured with one problem out of the way, I should start making amends sooner than later.

What better way to start by taking her to the restaurant where I had proposed to her years ago?

Arriving back at home, I noticed the silence welcoming me. I had checked the time and it was usually the perfect time when she finished her daily routines. I would usually find her either in the kitchen preparing for our dinner, or in the living room clearing out the tables from her belongings, since she had always enjoyed it working there most.

But as I walked into the quiet house, she was nowhere to be found.

“______?”

I called out to have no answers. It was then when I noticed that the lights had been left off. Glancing up the stairs, I wondered if she had fallen asleep. I remembered leaving the house when she was still deep in her sleep, and I had chosen not to wake her up the moment I noticed the exhaustion on her face.

However, that was not the only thing I had noticed lately.

She had always appeared tired and spent, either it was in the morning or at the end of the day. She was always sleeping when I found her or yawning even when she was doing something or working. I had even caught her flinch a few times while she was massaging her shoulders and her back when she didn’t notice me watching as if there was a strain that remained there. Or even the times when she would be pressing her fingers on her temple, the old habit of hers that she always did whenever she had her headaches.

Had she been ill? Had she been to the doctor to see what was wrong? Or had she been taking a different medication? The latter came to my mind when I remembered how her body had always been reacting to new supplements and vitamins.

I had made a mental note to question her about it but never had a chance to. But I would make that chance to happen, to make sure to pay more attention to her health. I would even take her to the doctors myself as soon as possible.

While I dwell in my deep thoughts, I had made my way to the bedroom upstairs. The whole floor was even more hollow and dark compared to the main floor downstairs, that I suddenly felt like something was amiss.

Opening the bedroom door, I found the bed vacant, looking all neat and tidy as if nobody had been using it all day. The aching doubt and fear that had been haunting me for the past week and increasing for the rest of the day came to me stronger then when it dawned me.

She was not home.

She was still not home even when the night kept getting late.

The floor might have had marks of my footsteps for how I had been pacing back and forth waiting for her for hours. I had kept all the lights off, not bothering to turn anything on when my thoughts had been all over the place all at once.

Where the fuck is she? I kept asking myself. I felt worried at first when I could not find her, but as I failed to contact her after hours of waiting, all I started to feel was anger. Why must she be away just when I was planning to give this night for her? Am I not meant to fix things with her? To prove her that I would fight for this marriage with her?

And then my thoughts went to worse. What if something had happened to her? Once again, I began to worry, and the next thing I knew I was waiting for the dreadful phone call to let me know where my wife was. I prayed and prayed that it would never happen, and forced myself to think of all the possible places she might have been while trying my best to push all the negative thoughts away.

I kept waiting in silence, completely sober, wanting to make sure that I would have a clear mind just in case something did happen to her. I wanted to be alert and ready, but I also wanted to know if everything was alright. If she was alright and safe.

It was right after the clock turned past midnight when I finally heard the front door opening and closing. The noises came in as soft thuds, but the house was quiet enough to make the sound echoed against the walls. The noises made me perk up and breathe a sigh of relief when I heard her heels tapping on the marble floors.

But the relief was short-lived.

The more I listened to her movement, the more I realised how unsteady her footsteps were. She was even humming a song softly as she walked in the darkness, not noticing me sitting right across the room. Through the soft gleam coming from the lights outside the windows, I noticed her face, the small smile and the glaze in her eyes, and it was soon clear to me that she was, in fact, a bit tipsy.

What the hell? I cursed in my head with my fingers digging on the sofa I was sitting on. I have been wreaking my mind for hours worrying about her and she was out there getting drunk?

“Where have you been?” I finally spat out, no longer able to hold back my anger, startling her that she nearly jumped.

She turned around then, narrowing her eyes through the dark before she found me. “Jungkook, why are you here?” She asked me, frowning and looking surprised to actually find me waiting for her. If only I was not in the middle of holding back my rage, I would have found it ironic.

It was usually her who would be waiting for my return.

Is this how she usually feels when she finds me coming home so late and drunk? Does she feel the same hurt as I am feeling?

I kept gritting my teeth, holding back from lashing out on her, yet she kept giggling as she was answering my questions. “Are you drunk?” The question that left my lips was far from what I actually wanted to ask her. How drunk was she really? How much had she drunk? And with who? I was starting to feel jealousy taking over when she answered me,

“I’m, uh—” a giggle escaped her lips then, before she covered them with a soft cough. “Uh—I think I am? I’m sorry, I tried my best to not drink so much but Yoongi just wouldn’t stop getting me more refills.”

Yoongi.

The minute his name came out of her lips, I felt chill running down my spine.

“You were with Yoongi?” My whole body fell frozen in place. She had been with Yoongi, drinking for hours. What did they talk about? Were they talking about me when he was with her? What would he have said to her—

Then the memory of meeting Yoongi at the bar with Lena in my arms came back to me and my heart came to halt. The thought that he might have said something about her to my wife left me choking on my breath and I stuttered, “So it was only the two of you, or—”

“Yes, just me and Yoongi,” she said, with venom lathering her voice, making me feel even colder and everything came spinning around me. She looked deep into my eyes, fighting the darkness as much as she could and left me wondering if she could read the fear in my eyes. “We went out to discuss some project we were working on, and—”

“Over drinks?” I cut her off, not bothering to add and ask—

Did you talk about anything else?

Somehow, her lips curled to a smirk, then she suddenly became more brazen when she goaded at me, “Yes, with beer and some whiskey on his side, a little vodka on mine. It was fun.”

I opened my mouth but found nothing to say. What was I supposed to say to that? My mind was still stuck on the thought of Yoongi being with her all night. Of all the secrets Yoongi could have spill to her while she was at his will.

“Why are you up at this hour, Jungkook? Were you waiting for me?”

“I—” Her question made me flustered that I could only give her the only thing I could think of to cover my sorry ass. “What were you thinking of going out until so late with another man? You’re my wife! I—yes, of course, I waited for you. Why didn’t you at least tell me about it?”

Then she laughed. Right at my face. Catching me completely off guard.

“Why are you laughing? God, are you really that drunk?”

Shaking her head, she slowly calmed down. “No—I’m not that drunk. I’m only amused. Jeon Jungkook finally remembers who I am,” she tauntingly said with her dark gaze looking deep into mine and her words still covered in venom. The look on her face and her words felt like a slap to my face. What does that suppose to mean?

“I did leave you a message on your phone, am I not such a good wife enough? I even invited you to join us if you wanted to. Perhaps you were too busy paying attention to something—or someone else? But that’s okay, I’m used to being ignored by you. At least I get to see my husband waiting for me until so late at night, just like I always do for him—every single night he was away.”

Once again, I was lost for words. The first for being reminded of the fact that I knew so well, the fact that I had made her wait for me every single night. Being on the other side of it tonight, I finally found out what she might have been feeling when she did. Worried for not knowing where I was and if I was safe. Scared of having to wait by the phone the whole time just in case there was any news about me. Relief of knowing that I was home safe, the feeling that could not be embraced because seeing me drunk left her constantly disappointed.

Then she reminded me of my phone. The phone that I had turned off after all the effort of contacting her led to failure, all because instead of getting news from her, I was bombarded by hateful messages sent by Lena. All the vile words she was sending me all night had risen my anger, something that was distracting me from focusing on my wife.

I looked away from her and moved around, hiding the turmoil that was happening in my mind. “Is that was it’s all about? So are you doing this as payback, then?”

“Oh, no—No, absolutely not. I’m not some petty little child, Jungkook,” she said to me while shaking her head and laughing bitterly. “I told you, I lost track of time. We were working, and then we had too much fun. Won’t you forgive me?”

I stopped moving then, trying to calm myself when she suddenly reached forward to touch me, her palms pressing on my chest. I had no idea what came to me then, but I pushed her hands away out of instinct, as if her touches had torched me.

“Stop this, you are drunk,” I said, unexpectedly sounding too harsh and too abrupt which I instantly regretted once I saw the pained look in her eyes.

“Is it really because I am drunk, or you just don’t want to touch me anymore?”

Her voice was soft and broken, and the words she said was enough to make me stop. My breath hitched in pain when I realised what she had been thinking and I could not look away from her.

“Why can’t you just admit it? There is someone else who had caught your attention, isn’t there, Jungkook? If not, am I not worth it to be touched by my own husband?”

If I had felt chill before, this time I felt like I was drowned in ice. Everything I feared for actually came true. My voice was caught in my throat and I could only look at her with wide eyes. Did Yoongi really did say something to her? Did she know? Or was Yoongi right, that she had noticed all along?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“What nonsense are you saying? If you are accusing me of anything, just say it!” I spat out, unable to control my anger when the fear of her revealing the truth of my sin came over me. “Go ahead, and say it! I guess that alcohol you’ve been drinking all night is making you so full of yourself. Or perhaps it was Yoongi who filled you up with lies?”

Tell me what he had told you. Please. Please tell me how much of it that you knew.

“Wha—Stop putting all the blame at Yoongi! He is my friend, and at least he listens to me, unlike my dear husband that won’t even look at me no matter how often he claims me as his wife!”

I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists. Her words were a huge slap of reality to my face, one which I felt so strongly that my chest got even tighter and my face grew hot.

“You know, it’s been you that keeps accusing me of things I have never done, and for so many years you have so little faith in me when all I’ve been doing is try my best to put you first. When all I’ve been doing is fight for our marriage!”

“Fight? What kind of fight are you doing by going out with another man until past midnight and coming home drunk, huh?”

There it was again, my big mouth spitting all the wrong hurtful words to her only because I could not control myself. This was the reason why I had always stayed away from her when I had no control over my emotions. Why I had chosen to put my anger to another place, to another person, because putting my anger on her killed me, just as much as I knew how much everything I said to her would hurt her deeply.

I took a deep breath and prepared to reel back, to apologise for my wrong outburst, only to have her beating me up to it.

“What fight, you say? I spent every night waiting for you to come home without giving you any question. I stayed at home, every day, gave up what I wanted and did anything you asked me of—all for you! All for us! And you dare ask me what fight that I do?”

It was another slap to my face, reminding me of how hard she had been fighting for me when all I ever did was try to run away.

“I did one mistake tonight, Jungkook. One! And you just throw everything I have done all this time down the drain so easily just for this?”

“What do you want, then, huh? Should I give you a fucking award for it?” No, please, stop. Just shut up. You’re hurting her more, I tried to stop myself but I kept failing to do so. Every word I gave her kept spilling out with no control. I watched her flinch at my anger, then I watched her shaking her head again with the pained look in her eyes that made me want to slap my own face.

“What I want is for you to treat me as your goddamn wife! Not some trash or property you keep inside your house just to make it look nice! And for you to stop blaming me for everything! Every single bad thing that is happening to you!”

Her words were a huge stab to my chest. What have I done? How much have I hurt her? I said nothing only because I would say all the wrong things if only I had let myself speak. And only because I knew I deserved every blow she was giving me as she kept voicing out all the truth, all her feelings, everything she had kept to herself for a long time.

“I just don’t understand why you are always so angry at me—at everything I do? What have I done so wrong to deserve your hate, Jungkook?”

I still stayed silent and turned away, not knowing how to answer. Every single pain she voiced out had broken me even deeper. I have ruined things so badly already I no longer had any clue if I could still fix things. I felt completely defeated and powerless as I realised that everything we had was falling apart. Perhaps they have been and I was just too blind to notice that I was the one who had made it all happen.

“What mistake have I done so terribly that you hate me so much, Jungkook? It is because I can’t bear a child?”

No.

“Is that why? Are you punishing me since you are blaming me for it?”

No, it’s not that. It’s not you.

“Don’t talk about that—don’t you dare bring that up, this is about what you’ve done tonight,” I tried to make her stop talking, I tried to stop her from bringing it up.

“No, this isn’t about that. Whatever I do, you will only find other things, as little as they may be, and you will certainly use it against me to put me down. And you know what? I’ve had enough of it! So don’t you dare deny my question.”

I heard her coming closer, but my head was filled with the sound of my heart beating faster. I knew where this was heading to and I had no power to stop it. Or perhaps I did nothing because I was expecting her to talk about it.

“We could’ve had a child already, you know that. If only it didn’t happen. If only—”

I turned around to face her, to make her stop. But as always, the words came out of me wrong.

“What? Are you going to put the blame on me now? Is that it?”

“Then what, Jungkook? Was it also my fault that I lost our child? Was I the only one to blame for it to happen?” She was seething, but it was her tears that had me nearly crumbling down. I was also angry, I was mad, more to myself than I did to her. “Fine, if that’s what you want. Blame me, like you always do when everything falls apart, when things don’t go your way. Just say it and get it over with!”

No, it was never your fault. Please stop.

“I’m not gonna stay and take all of this,” I said to her while I started to walk away. I could not take it any longer. I could not hold back this pain any longer and I knew I had to get away before I took it all on her.

“Then go, walk away! Just like you always do. Walk away and leave as if the problem will disappear and fix itself once you ignore it and act like it doesn’t exist. Like I don’t exist.”

“Stop—”

“No, you know what? Just go ahead and walk. Just go, and hide away from everything!” she kept shouting at me, while I kept fighting the tears that were threatening to come flowing down. “Just remember that one of these days I won’t be here when you come back to hold you and tell you that everything is okay. Because things are not okay, and you just have to deal with it!”

Those were the words that had me pushed over to the edge. My whole body had been shaking, but I was on the verge of falling apart already that I began to panic. I could not lose her, my mind kept screaming for me to make sure that I would not let her go. That was when I turned back around, reached for her with the desperate need to hold her to me with my hands holding her arms tightly in place. I looked at her straight in the eyes when I voiced out my promise, “You are mine, and you are not going anywhere. Never! I will never let you!”

The fear in her eyes would forever haunt me. But what haunted me most was the feeling I had as if she was already slipping out of my grip. That I was already losing her.

That night, I had another dream of losing her when I fell asleep. Except that this time, she was not falling into the dark. She was walking away from me with a broken smile.

—First Life. Jeon Residence, year 2026. Days after—

The first thing that woke me up was the insane pounding going on inside my head.

I could have sworn that my head was about to explode and I should cuss if I could. But everything was so hazy that I could not think straight. I could feel myself spinning around as if I was floating from the ground even with my eyes still closed shut.

The warmth and the cold sheet were the next few things I sensed after I started to gain more consciousness. And that was before I noticed that I was completely naked. The fabric of the sheets around me grazing on my bare skin, letting me know that there was nothing else covering my body.

The more I focused on my senses, I could feel the other part of the bed where I was lying in submerged, letting me know that I was not alone.

What the fuck?

Where am I?

My messed up mind be damned, for everything was so fucking clouded that I could not for the life of me remember what exactly happened last night. I knew it was already early in the morning by the warmth flowing in the air. And I knew that I had probably fucked up.

Again.

My eyes were still too heavy for me to open. But I was silently grateful for it. Because it gave me that extra time to try to push away the pain in my head, to brush through the fog in my mind, and give me time to brace myself before I was forced to open them and find myself stuck in another mistake that I would never be able to fix.

One fuck up was enough. And it was one too many already after what I had done in the past.

Please don’t let this be another mistake, I begged and begged as I took a deep breath, calming my rage and the fear I had building inside me when I vaguely remembered a part of last night.

I was surely drunk, after spending a few hours at the bar with my co-workers to celebrate something. A birthday, or a similar celebration that had rounds of drinks to be shared. And then nothing. Please not let this be another one of your stupid ass getting in trouble, I begged with my hands clenching on the sheets beneath me, dreading the way my brain was failing to help me remember.

But as I took that deep breath, I was instantly swamped with relief. Because it was her scent that I caught on immediately. Her. Her shampoo, her perfume, the familiar scent of candles she had always set and light up when she needed to relax.

All hers.

My wife.

I breathe a long, relieved sigh before I opened my eyes. My heartbeat was palpitating like crazy as I hoped that my suspicions were true. And dear God, I nearly cried when I finally open my heavy eyelids to find her there. Sleeping beside me, her body lying on her side and curling under the thin blanket facing me. And she was just as naked as I was.

As I blinked away the sleep hanging on my eyelids, I wiped away the haze covering my sight to take in her feature. She looked so peaceful as she was still deep in sleep. Her face looked so calm, without any creases appearing between her brows. Her usual curious and tired eyes were closed shut. And she was smiling in her sleep.

I watched her as her chest raised and fell for each breath she took. Her hand lying on my bare chest and her body so close to me, allowing me to see the wedding band wrapped around her finger, glowing under the light. I had never seen her take it off. Ever. I had to be honest, that it was the one thing that kept me breathing, despite the burden I was keeping inside my heart. The pain I had endured for her.

Holding my gaze on her sleeping figure, the memories of last night started to come back to me.

I was definitely drunk. And I had come home late, finding her waiting for me in the living room. I remembered her rising from her seat when she saw me stumbling on my clumsy legs. Her eyes were filled with worries, but she caught me from falling, before supporting me as I walked towards the bed.

Our bed.

And then I remembered the kiss.

I could not remember what I had said to her, but I remembered the sight of her face being so close to me when she took off my clothes. When she tried to help me change into a more comfortable set of clothes to sleep in with and helped me prepare for bed. But I stopped her and caught her with my hands. My palms were shaking when I cupped her face and her eyes were wide when she had never expected to have me reaching out to her.

Hell, of course, I caught her by surprise. Because I have been avoiding her for so damn long. Creating distance between her and me, no matter what she had done and no matter how hard she had been trying to hold this marriage together. All because of my fear, and the dreadful guilt that had been haunting me.

It was such a desperate moment when I pulled her close and kissed her like never before. Breathing her in, feeling her, tasting her, revelling in her presence that had made me feel as if I was being brought back to life. And then I pulled her to the bed, when I was so desperate to touch her, to feel her, to make her love me like she used to. To show myself that everything was alright, that we were not falling apart.

I closed my eyes when the image of us making love last night came to me like parts of a movie and I was watching from afar. Yet every part of my body remembered it like everything had been engraved deep in my skin. The feeling of her skin, the warmth of her body on mine was still the same. The gentle touch she gave me was still able to ignite that fire inside my heart that it knocked my entire soul like a live wire. Her kisses still burned me alive, drowning me in the bliss that made me believe that love truly existed in this damn, fucked up world. And she made me breathe so easily, so alive when she looked at me with those eyes that were flooding with joy, pleasure, and relief when she reached her climax.

My heart started beating faster and my chest felt like it was on fire when I remembered our lovemaking from last night. How being inside her felt like heaven. Or perhaps much more. My whole body shuddered to the memory of me being inside her, reminding me of the reason why I fell in love with her and why making love to her was everything to me. It reminded me why I had always known that I could never survive without her in my life.

The way we fit together like gloves when we became one. The way her muscles rippled and squeezed me so tightly as I pounded inside her that I had to do my all not to come and crumble the moment I entered her. The way she held on me so tightly and called for my name when she let go and embraced her climax that came to her for countless times.

She was perfect.

We were perfect.

And once, I remembered from the past, there was a time when I felt like I was perfect for her.

My breath came out shaky when I opened my eyes again, wanting to look at her again. For whenever she was sleeping, she became such a sight to take in completely.

I always loved watching her, staring at her face and her eyes for they always spoke louder than her mind, unable to hide anything that she felt no matter how hard she tried to hide them from me. That was the reason why I loved her.

And it was also the reason why I had to avoid her.

Because I could never look at her without catching her pain emitting from her eyes as she held her gaze on me. That sight would always break me into pieces when I knew how much of a bastard I was for breaking her apart. And I could not bear to see those pain emitting from her eyes, when I knew I was the one who put them there. I was the one responsible for all the hurt, all the sadness, and for her broken heart. And every time I looked at her and read them through her gaze, they only made me hate myself even more for breaking her apart.

All because she loved me.

And it broke me so damn much because I loved her, and I had no idea how to fix all the mess I had made in the past. I had no idea how to fix her.

My mind took me back to last night, when I looked into her eyes and all I saw then was love. That the eyes that were staring back at me were the same pair that I had not seen for a while since the first years of our marriage. And that was when I crumbled.

I came when she called my name with those loving eyes. And I cried like a baby with my face buried on her shoulder. Filling her with my seed and coating her with my emotion when I reached my climax.

I was that vulnerable. So damn weak that I was ashamed of myself.

But she never pushed me away.

Instead, she cradled me in her arms, held me close until I stopped crying and she calmed me down with her fingers threading my hair. She was much stronger than I would ever be. Another reason why I kept feeling like a failure, when I kept breaking her apart and all I had ever done was to break her even more even when I tried to fix things up.

She was always the stronger one. And that was the reason when throughout the years we were trying to conceive, when all the long and desperate lovemaking, the scheduled sex and the continuous doctor visits still failed to give us the child we wanted, I had taken all the blame on her. Because I could not face being a failure. Because I was not strong enough to take the blame.

And I was even more ashamed when I remembered the one secret I was still keeping inside me. That one fucked up mistake that would be the most unforgivable of all, because she had forgiven me for too many times before. It was eating me up inside knowing that she would never forgive me again for this one dark secret of mine.

I was still lost in my own thoughts when she stirred in her sleep and started to wake up. My eyes snapped open to meet her eyes as they were fluttering open.

Taking a deep breath, I braced myself to prepare for the sight in her eyes that had become too familiar to my heart. The look filled with her pain and sadness, the burdens she was carrying because of me.

But I was swamped with another relief when she opened those eyes, finding me there lying next to her and facing her as I waited for her to react first. And then she smiled. The look in her eyes showed me nothing else but love as she gave me that beautiful smile, the same one she gave me when she kissed my forehead while I was crying myself to sleep. The same love she had been giving me for years, the same forgiveness she kept giving me every time I fucked up.

It gave me hope.

I returned her smile and stared at her with a gaze that mirrored hers. Leaning up to kiss her lips and greet her softly, “Good morning, _______,” before returning to lie on my back to find her eyes softening as she stared at me so lovingly.

That was when I promised myself to make things right. That I could make everything alright again. That I could fix everything that I had broken. I would do everything to make it right again.

For her.

For us.

Disclaimer: All works are written by myself. Any copyright infringement, reposting on any other social media or website, and any act of plagiarism will be dealt with legal action

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unproduciblesmackdown · 4 years

Text

had some bmc thoughts stemming from like 2 weeks ago that i’ve been in a cycle of putting off / forgetting to write.....in part b/c there’s no Thesis here as usual, just some vague observations and a like “oh hmm” realization thanks to stephen brackett’s htbmc episode which i’ve just noticed i Listened Too on dec 12th so i guess this is stemming from closer to 2 months ago than 2 weeks. anyways though

listening to that he was talking about mitb and it’s like mmhm right right but then he talked specifically about it as like an Identity Crisis in a way that i hadn’t really fully considered before like.....that without jeremy as that other half it’s like, all the stuff about how other people see him might be Right, [that post like (looks up what a pt cruiser looks like) “god maybe he IS a loser” lol] which yknow i’d kind of just attributed to the way he already felt but obviously intensified like, that now without Anyone as a friend it just sucks that nobody likes him instead of the “well we’re the only ones who like us but that’s fine” thing......but yeah with what steve was saying about it i was like oh so like, kind of taking that “ppl think i’m a loser but i will own it” thing but like, not only now interpreting Being Called A Loser in the way that jeremy did thanks to jeremy saying it, but being like “wow maybe i Am a loser(tm) and also the way that everyone maybe thinks of me is correct idk” b/c like, so much of his identity being tied up in being this one guy’s longtime bff and in all this Tumult it’s like well not only am i sad but what does this Mean, am i Really that........and you know, how, presumably, hearing it from jeremy is like, oh hmm shit let me consider this Afresh and like, giving some emotional weight to that. im not writing this great lol but anyways

second thing was just something i always think of With Interest and which is related to michael also which is that like, i go and think “wow haha it’s pretty cool that the difficulties (& more specifically the Communication Problems) in jeremy and michael’s relationship don’t stem from some inability to express affection or anything” like, thinking of that bit in 2pg, but then from there i was like well hang on it’s Also interesting that in that bit in 2pg and like, seemingly overall, jeremy is the one who’s better at being like, Direct About His Feelings verbally lol? i mean, you have michael with the pointed redirection of “will you be too cool for - Video Games” & kind of going back into (Pretending He’s) Focusing On That mode, and then you have jeremy just cutting through that by taking michael’s controller and then just talking about You Are My Favorite Person which like, of course also says that he knows michael’s not talking about video games and doesn’t feel obligated to roll with that......and then even really the fact that michael reacts to that Fave Pers thing with gettin silly all of 5 seconds into it is like, easily interpreted as being a little like “let me avoid the most earnest and direct Emotional Expression here lol”......but yknow i don’t think this is really a Problem, yeah jeremy feeling kinda unheard (or unproperly-listened-to) by michael Is that big communication issue there, but jeremy sure seems to just Get the way that michael is here, and has no difficulty with it or with understanding what michael Means even if he’s not quite saying things as Directly as jeremy is here, or being like “lmao >:333″ in response to jeremy’s “I Care You”.......

and i also kinda always link it up with my being like “nice emotional sidestep” @ the vimh scene where jeremy asks Why michael still came back to help him and like, sure yeah they kinda have a discussion but michael then just leaves it up to Jeremy’s Dad to be like “well son michael and i sang a song about loving you” which like, isn’t what gets said lol........i really like the pants song scene for so many reasons including that like, it’s not seen as some deep horrible failure of character (like the character of a person, not as in “fictional character”) that michael is mad at jeremy and behaving spitefully towards him by sort of giving up on him when he knows he’s probably in a bad situation Overall.......like i mean we all understand Why he’s having this reaction, but then people who Are wanting it to be Perfect and Fully Justified then just put that on jeremy being terrible and he absolutely deserved to be abandoned like that, instead of maybe being like, it is okay for michael to not make perfect decisions throughout this because he is a person and he is also a person in high school and like. yeah you need this Adult who like, really the fact that Jeremy’s Dad’s reaction to jeremy lashing out at him is to be like “oh i need to Do More to help him” speaks of this genuine maturity there, and michael does not have that because i guess everyone is like 16 or something, but it’s not any kind of Weakness or Failing that a more mature grown person needed to step in to be like “yeah you’re mad at him but we gotta look at the bigger picture here and that you do still actually care about this person and don’t Really want to get passive revenge here” etc, it’s just natural that the younger person here could benefit from the guidance of someone with more Life Experience and maturity here, did i mention “maturity,” how many times can i say it Challenge. and then also then that reminds me the [jeremy’s dad interrupting with Do You Love Him bit] lol which like, well that’s not particularly michael being maybe not as great at jeremy as (more) direct Emotional Statements thanks to it being more like, this is a bit out of nowhere and in 2pg it sure doesn’t seem like michael and mr. heere often have heart-to-hearts lol. where was i going with this. i guess it’s that i think it’s increshesting how michael is the sorta more Confidant(tm) person here but jeremy is the one more comfortable being emotionally vulnerable or something

#or something....whatever i said here i said. been putting this off for ages apparently so it gets slapped down and thrown out here #bmc

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planetsam · 5 years

Text

Michael Guerin, Space Pirate

Huge shout out to @signoraviolettavalery who made a great post about a Martian au that I cranked up the angst on by deciding Alex would be a great space voyeur to Michael’s space pirate.

Being stuck on the graveyard shift feels oddly appropriate.

He thinks Michael would have loved the irony of it.

Alex takes a long drink from his coffee. He watched the launch after it happened, in one of the staff break rooms. He didn’t think much of it, only the 3AM shift he had the next morning was on his mind. Now he wishes things were different. Not that he fully expected his high school fling to remember him, or to realize that he was working for NASA as well. Alex is in SatCom, he monitors their satellites. Eyes in the sky, some people call him, but he likes to think of himself as an Interplanetary Voyeur. Most of his education and training goes to waste. He didn’t mind it when he felt like he was a part of something bigger than himself, making sure that everyone got home safely.

Now when he looks at the red planet, all he thinks is how Michael finally got his wish.

Michael always wanted to be part of something bigger. He also wanted to get the hell off the planet. Alex remembers their endless conversations about it, laying under the real stars when they could and the fake, tacked on stars when they couldn’t. Michael found his way off the planet. And was the most popular astronaut to boot. He was the only one surprised at that. Alex saw his face everywhere. Each time it kicked up a gut punch of emotions. Mostly now it was a sadness that was far too familiar when it came to him, to them—now though there was a finality to it. The idea that Michael would be bones on Mars and the only way Alex would ever see him was in old footage was borderline incomprehensible. For the moment Alex let himself not think about it and focus instead on his job. The storm had cleared and he focused on what they could see. It was highly unlikely they would ever see Michael’s body, the dust storm would have buried him. But Alex hopes he does. Michael deserves that closure.

Taking another hit of caffeine, he turns to scrolling through the pictures and cataloguing things that have shifted in the dust. He frowns and zooms in towards the HAB. Alex refines the pictures, teasing out a clearer image. He can picture the conversation in his head, he knows the exact arguments. He brings up the images from the past few days. The way things have shifted does not line up with what is in front of him. The solar panels should be completely covered, but they are clean. Spotless, or as spotless as anything gets on Mars. He looks again and triple checks just to make sure. The chance is impossibly slim. But his hand is already reaching for his phone. He thumbs in the number for security.

“I need the emergency contact number for Dr. Kapoor,” He says, “this is Alex Manes in SatCom.”

“Are you sure it’s an emergency?” The bored voice asks. Alex isn’t sure of anything at the moment.

“Yes,” He says instead.

The head of the mission is wildly above his pay grade and Alex has been raised to respect the chain of command. Why his violations of it seem intrinsically linked to Michael Guerin is something he doesn’t have the capacity to figure out at the moment. Not after the phone rings twice and he hears the man on the other end clear his throat. God, he’s woken his boss up at 3:35 am.

“Hello?”

“Hi, sir, this is Alex Manes in SatCom,” he says, “I think Michael Guerin is alive,” there is a distinct bang and a groan, a whispered apology and the sound of feet moving, “the solar panels are clean.”

“And you’re sure it’s not the wind?”

“Yes, sir,” he says, glancing up at the screen as the next round of images come through. He almost drops the phone, “sir, the Rover has moved.”

“What?!”

“The rover moved,” he says, scrambling to look at the photos again, “the solar panels are clean and the rover has moved.”

“I’ll be there shortly.”

Fuck. Mars.

Fuck it so hard.

Michael is over this planet. He wants off. Why he can’t find a planet he wants to stay on is beyond him and now definitely is not the time for those deep philosophical questions. He’s got more pressing issues like making sure the hole in his gut closes without infection, finding a way to supplement his food and, oh yeah, contact earth.

“Look, I’m not upset about being left behind,” he tells the log, “that’s protocol. What pisses me off is the fact that I’m doing everyone’s homework,” he shakes his head, “here’s my new universal constant: a group project will always end with one person doing all the work. We’ll call it Guerin’s Law.”

He has an idea for contacting earth. The problem is that it rides on earth knowing he’s contacting them. He’s got no idea if anyone has even figured out he’s alive. He doubts it. But there’s a chance. He knew it was bullshit but he had an affection for the dramatic Rover that gave it’s dying words and sang itself a birthday song every year. Michael has had plenty of those birthdays. And of course when he’s already doing everyone’s work, he now has to do the extra credit and pull off the save. If he doesn’t get an A, he’s fucking suing. He looks in the camera, aware this could be his last message.

“Captain Evans,” He says, “none of this is your fault, I forgive you for everything if that’s what you need to hear,” his solemn face turns deadly, “but if this doesn’t work and I die listening to your alarmingly inclusive Donna Summer, I will turn your life into the karaoke bar from hell.”

Seems like a good note to go out on.

Summer eat your heart out.

Alex looks over the chart again.

And again.

The spotlight is nerve wracking. They have established Michael is alive, but they don’t have a way of communicating. He knows Michael is trying to figure something out and everyone is scrambling to find it. He also knows he has an advantage. It’s been years, so many thing have changed, but he’s got a good idea of how Michael’s mind works. He follows the paths the Rover is making and connects the dots before anyone else.

“Opportunity?”

“It lines up,” he says, “he’s going for the Rover.”

“Let me make some calls.”

Thankfully the Opportunity team is largely still around. By the time Michael gets it up and working, they are ready. The images come in and patch together. Alex is awake for twenty hours straight but he’s there when the images come in. Michael standing in front of two signs and holding a third. Alex’s heart leaps into his throat and it’s got nothing to do with the truly staggering amount of coffee he has consumed. A cheer goes up and he sits down before his knees can do anything like buckle. Michael’s face is just visible. Alex can make out a single curl that’s half escaped from his cap and it’s always the little things. Michael is alive. They point the camera towards the ‘yes’ sign and the next image is blurry but only because he’s jumping up and down. He’s got no back up supplies and he’s jumping up and down.

Alex thinks he might be the one who dies in all of this.

OPP: Huston we had a problem.

DSN: Good to hear from you.

OPP: You have no idea.

So the communications issue is more or less resolved which is awesome. And he’s saved Opportunity. Which makes him even more awesome. All around it’s awesome. Except Isobel still thinks he’s dead which is less than ideal. So he’s in a little trouble on that one. But he would trade everything for her to yell at him. Not that he’s got a lot to trade.

OPP: hey, DSN whose babysitting me tonight?

DSN: SatCom

OPP: no shit

DSN: language

OPP: fuck

OPP: whose babysitting? got a name?

DSN: alex

OPP: i’m michael

DSN: i know

OPP: does this mean i’m super famous? think i can get free fries at the mess?

DSN: no it’s alex. from high school.

Michael is literally on a different planet but he jumps anyway and twists around like he’s being spied on. Alex was a punk kid who, okay, he may have been slightly in love with. But his homophobic dick of a dad ended that. He may have crossed Michael’s mind a few times, but never enough to do something like look him up and see that they worked for the same place. For some reason he feels more comforted by this news than he has by almost anything else. Except maybe that people knew he was alive at all.

OPP: no fucking way. i thought you said you were joining the Air Force.

DSN: i did. then I went to grad school and joined NASA.

OPP: wait SatCom figured out i was alive. was that you?

DSN: yes

DSN: i saw the solar panels were clear

OPP: and you thought that was me?

DSN: i figured even you would clean if your life depended on it.

Michael snorts, it’s not like he’s had much to clean back when he knew Alex. He was living in his truck. But when he thinks about his desk at NASA—okay it is a mess. He can admit that. It blows his mind that Alex has been here the whole time. That Alex figured out he was alive. He tries to reconcile the idea of who he remembers with whoever found him. But all he can picture is the kid who unknowingly saved his life more times than he can count. More times plus one, if he thinks about it. Probably plus more to come, if things keep going this way.

OPP: do you still have that septum ring?

DSN: go to sleep

OPP: come on, do you?

DSN: no

OPP: too bad, I thought it was kind of hot.

DSN: bed, michael

OPP: yes dad

DSN: please do not call me ‘dad’, they are reviewing these

OPP: ok daddy

Captain Isobel Evans reads the message several times to be sure. Then she gathers everyone together. She’s thought she was a good leader this whole time, focusing on getting the crew that was still alive back home even though the only thing she wanted to do was cry over the loss of her crew member. She runs the scenario over and over again. But it remains the same. There was no other choice. Now she doesn’t know what to think when she has to tell them. It’s only Max she looks at when she speaks.

“Michael’s alive.”

Pandemonium erupts from the others but Max stares at her. His own horror and guilt reflect hers. Michael is alive but he’s on another planet. Michael’s alive but who knows for how long. She made the call to leave him, but as the ship’s doctor he made the call that he was probably dead. They are both culpable and innocent, but Isobel blames herself more than anyone. She should have given the order to wait, no matter the risks. They all scramble over to the communications screen. Kyle gets there first because it is, after all, his chair. He refers to it as his ship too. Then again he is the one who flies it.

HRMS: sorry we left you on mars, we just don’t like you that much.

OPP: assholes

OPP: hows the cptn?

HRMS: we’re all good. how are you?

OPP: bored af

OPP: look. boobies ( . Y . )

HRMS: michael!

That night Max sits hunched over in his bunk, arms wrapped around himself. He never should have said that Michael was dead. But he and Isobel have been running over everything. But now it turns out Michael is alive and he can’t fathom what it must be like for him to be back there alone. Did he know that they would learn he was alive? Did he think he would die there a second time and no-one would know? The thoughts are horrible and each occurs to him in rapid succession until he thinks they might drive him crazy.

“Hey,” Liz slips into his pod, “how are you holding up?”

“I told Iz there was no way,” he says, “he’s been there the whole time and i had no idea—“ he stares at her, aware he is asking for answers she doesn’t have, “what if he dies there? How is he going to spend four years there until we launch another mission?”

“He’s going to be fine,” she says, cradling his face in her hands. He ignores the rules, the fraternization line they always dance around and leans into her touch, “he’ll be okay and soon you will laugh about this,” she smiles, “after you buy him all the vodka on earth.”

“I’ll buy him whatever he wants, as long as we get him back.”

OPP: alex

OPP: ALEX

DSN: i’m sorry, Alex has been transferred to SatCon.

OPP: GO GET HIM

Huddled in the Rover, Michael forces his breathing to be steady. He cannot afford for something else to go wrong. Behind him, the HAB stands as a shell, blown when he failed to pressurize it correctly. It broke. He broke it. His crops are gone and he feels like crying. Which is not going to help. He can’t panic. He can’t flip out. He wants Max and Isobel and his pod on the ship that’s getting farther away with each second. Mostly he wants the person on earth whose his lifeline in this. He forces himself to look away from the screen. Maybe Alex is asleep somewhere. Maybe he’s just as fed up with his bullshit as he was in college. Michael grips the chair. No, no he is not giving into his abandonment issues because he’s literally the only person on a planet and his only friend won’t answer the phone. Mars is his planet and he refuses to have them go down like this.

DSN: michael what happened?

“Thank you Martian God,” he breathes

OPP: the hab depressurized

OPP: i’m ok. crops are gone. all of its gone.

DSN: you’re ok. thats the main thing.

OPP: says the guy with seamless at his fingertips

DSN: i told you you were going to have to learn to cook one day

Michael laughs despite everything. And okay maybe it ends in a sob, but just one. Alex throwing shade like they’re texting and this isn’t a life or death situation makes him feel so much better. He knows Alex is probably hyperaware of being watched but he’s still willing to do it. Michael knows it shouldn’t be a big deal but he’s alone on a planet. The only person who can judge him is in a mirror and he sure as hell doesn’t bring one of those on the rover.

DSN: michael are you there?

OPP: i’m there i’m just outraged

OPP: i am an extraordinary boiler

DSN: do i want curly or regular fries with this sandwich?

OPP: asshole

OPP: thanks

DSN: hang in there

Maria Deluca, astrodynamicist extraordinaire figures it out.

She checks her math, swears loudly and breaks her almost new piece of chalk. Guerin is a planet away and he still manages to ruin her love life for at least—ugh—another year. Asshole. Why couldn’t he have just stayed on the ground with Alex like he wanted to? She writes out her calculations and tells the mission heads. Then she does the right thing and hides the info in the latest data dump for the ship, knowing her wife and her bff will figure it out.

That evening she finds Alex in SatCon.

He looks awful and she feels the same annoyance at Guerin. They’ve both slept with him and she might have had feelings for the mop haired cowboy at one point, but Guerin is good at leaving and being so focused on one thing that he fails to see anything else. Like an unhappy boyfriend or girlfriend. She sits next to Alex and hands him a cup of coffee.

“Any word from the space cowboy?”

“His food supplies are ok but the rations are getting to him,” he says, “part of its mental but the rest—“ he shakes his head, “he shouldn’t have to deal with his issues up there.”

Michael was food insecure for most of his childhood. He’s good at functioning on limited calories but he’s also scared of not getting his next meal. The fact that Alex remembers that makes Maria want to hug him. She settles for sighing and shaking her head at the situation. All of NASA has been reading their back and forth. For science. The fact that it reads increasingly like a romance novel is definitely not important. And people definitely aren’t taking sides. She doesn’t have a Team Alex t shirt like some people. Just a baseball cap.

“He’ll be okay,” she says.

Alex nods wordlessly but his eyes are glued to the screen where their communications occur. She nudges him.

“Say hi,” She says.

“I can’t. He needs to focus.”

“You can still say hi,” she says.

“It’s a waste of resources.”

Rolling her eyes at men and their excuses she nudges his chair out of the way and gets at the keyboard.

DSN: hi

“Maria!”

Ten seconds later the reply come.

OPP: hey i was just about to message you

OPP: you miss me that much?

“Maria—“ Alex tries for the keyboard.

DSN: always

Alex grabs it finally.

DSN: adokfjosiaf

OPP: you ok?

DSN: sorry. yes.

OPP: good. i miss you too.

Alex sucks in a breath and Maria grins. It’s almost almost worth another year with her wife. Not quite but almost. Alex gulps and stares at the message. His fingers hover over the keyboard as he hesitates, swamped by an insecurity Maria has seen before. She looks between him and the keyboard, sending every mental signal she has to him.

DSN: keep going and we can see each other again

OPP: dunno, you could always come to Mars

OPP: visit me

DSN: I like earth

OPP: you’re making this song way too relevant

DSN: what are you listening to?

OPP: I would do anything for love

“That is my song,” Maria says, “my song with my wife.”

“She’ll be back soon,” Alex offers.

Maria hates them both.

“This is a mutiny,” Isobel says, “we all need to participate and we all need to agree. Kyle and I know the consequences. We’re military. But the rest of you need to understand this could mean the end of your careers. They might not let any of you fly again,” she says, “it also means another year without your families. There isn’t any shame in wanting to go home. We do it together or not at all.”

“No one gets left behind if we can get them,” Kyle says, “I might be flying this thing but I am still a doctor. Do no harm. I vote we go back.”

“Michael is my brother,” Max says.

“My family is here,” Liz tells them, gripping Max’s hand, “let’s do it.”

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that?” Jenna, their long suffering media relations director says.

“The Hermes is in the middle of an unsanctioned maneuver to slingshot themselves back to Mars using earth’s gravity as an assist.”

“So a mutiny,” she says, “you want me to put out a press release that says a bunch of astronauts turned space pirates have performed a mutiny?”

“Actually it’s Guerin who would asked to be referred to as a space pirate, since he is technically commandeering a vehicular over international territory.”

She sighs. It’s too early for a migraine.

“I hate everyone in this room.”

DSN: michael

DSN: michael update me

DSN: GUERIN

DSN: captain blonde beard, do you copy?

OPP: CBB: i copy. everything’s good

DSN: you are taking this way too far

OPP: CBB: that’s kind of judgmental for someone whose not a space pirate

OPP: CBB: if you were here id make you walk the plank. by that i mean solar panel

DSN: find water and maybe it’ll work

OPP: CBB: i have to starve, become a pirate, now i gotta find water too?

OPP: CBB: anything else?

DSN: come home

OPP: CBB: only because I want to, not because you’re making me

He modified the ship like they tell him but until he’s in there, he doesn’t feel so great about sitting there. Not until his radio crackles to life with the first human voice he’s heard in over a year.

“Guerin, do you copy?”

“Iz!” His voice breaks around the syllable of her name.

“Michael, oh thank god,” she says. Isobel has had her game face on this whole mission, hearing the relief makes the tears break free, “we’re launching you, strap in.”

“Tell Valenti to be careful,” he says.

“I got you, Guerin,” Kyle says, “you ready to come home?”

God that sounds so nice.

“I don’t know, it’s kind of nice having this all to myself,” he chokes out.

“We got you, hang tight.”

He blacks out.

When he comes to, the ship is too far away. He can hear the swearing. It’s bad. He takes a deep breath and refuses to give in to the panic. The side door opens and he sees Isobel coming towards him. Max is on the side of the ship. His family is there.

“I’m going Iron Man,” he says, punching a hole in his hand.

“Michael!”

He aims himself as best he can and propels towards Isobel. She reaches and just when he thinks this isn’t going to work, they collide. They lurch violently to the side but she locks her arms and legs around him and snaps a carabiner to the front of his suit. The lead connecting them snaps taut and for a moment he’s sure it failed. He’s dead in space. But he blinks several time and nothing has changed. The relief shatters him in a way he didn’t know was possible and Isobel lets out the best laugh he’s ever heard in his life.

“I got him!” She calls and everyone erupts into cheers, “I got you,” she says.

“You have terrible taste in music,” he tells her.

They reel them in. The only possible reason he would let go of her is to throw his arms around his brother. Max clutches him and Isobel together as the hatch seals and the chamber pressurizes. Michael collapses against his siblings who take his weight immediately, undoing his helmet. Their voice goes into his ears, no radio or texts. But the first human hands that touch him belong to a friend.

“Mikey!” He’s not even mad about the nickname as she hugs him and then works on getting the suit off him.

“Liz! Get me—“

“On it.”

She gets him out and then Max and Isobel are there. Kyle and Liz fall with them and it’s a big pile of tears and hugs and laughter and snot. He doesn’t care. The pile make their way to the comms to message that they have him. Unwilling to let go of each other even though Michael is very aware that he needs a shower.

CMMND: good work! Come home.

Alex has his last 3AM shift the night before they get back. Maria keeps him company. She suggests that he come with her to the families area but he turns her down. He’s not family. His boss insists he come with him to the command center. He watches the ship land. When he sees Michael pop out, throw down his helmet like he made a touchdown and throw his hands up, he feels like the breath he’s been holding for the six months it’s taken to get back to earth can finally be released. Michael is okay. Everyone is okay. He staggers from the room.

“I’m gonna just—five minutes,” he says. He’s woken up every night certain the news will come in that Michael is dead. He has to go to a second funeral. Michael is fine. He’s dizzyingly exhausted with the thought. He drops onto the couch. It will be hours before he sees him. “Five minutes,” he tells himself and closes his eyes.

He wakes up to the smell of hazelnut coffee.

He opens his eyes, already knowing what he’s going to see. All the ways he thought about this going, Michael crouching there in a NASA onesie with his hair wet and two cups of coffee isn’t it. Alex carefully sits up, afraid that this is a dream. But Michael stays every time he blinks. When he’s sitting, Michael holds out the coffee cup.

“A small token of my—“

Alex throws himself into his arms. The coffee goes flying as Michael bands his arms around him, equally tight. Two years of text messages sent through a Rover and suddenly all of their other senses are flooding with each other. Alex never wants to let go of him and he can feel Michael trembling against him. Their faces are buried in each other necks and he’s never been so glad they are the same height.

“Thank you, thank you,” Michael breathes into his neck and Alex clutches him closer.

“This was all you.”

“It wouldn’t have been if you hadn’t seen me.”

They pull back enough just enough to look at each other, taking in the differences. The reports all say how driven Michael has been with his recovery and Alex has been pushing harder at his own pt. In that moment he doesn’t think that it matters. He doesn’t care what either of them look like or what state they are in. He just wants Michael here. Michael presses his lips together, his eyes dragging to his lips. After everything, there’s something he immediately recognizes.

“You’re not seeing anyone, are you?” He says.

“No, this really infuriating guy named Captain Blonde Beard keeps texting me at 3am.”

Michael is still laughing when he kisses him.

This, Alex thinks, is more than worth the wait.

#michael guerin #alex manes #malex fic #malex fanfic #roswell new mexico #roswell nm fanfic #isobel evans #max evans #liz ortecho #max x liz #maria deluca #isobel x maria #kyle valenti #Jenna cameron

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bluedraggy · 5 years

Text

Beatrice Santello - Gravity

The next morning Bea was feeling good. It was foggy and the radio indicated the possibility of freezing rain, but she couldn’t help herself. She hugged her dad before leaving the apartment, donned her jacket and scarf, and headed in to work.

Germ was there waiting for her again.

“Hi Bea,” he said with a smile. Quite an accomplishment when you have a beak instead of a mouth, but Bea had come to know his mannerisms.

“Hi Germ. How are you doing? I never talk to you much.”

She opened the door for him and shut it behind her.

“Oh, no problem Bea. Got company over again. Seems like we always have some relation or other staying with us. Lots of times I don’t even know who they are! But it’s kinda fun having so much going on all the time. These are from upstate. They talk funny, but they’re okay.”

“Well, you let me know if you need some time alone. The back room is always available. Hey, Germ… I’m feeling bold today. Let’s crank that thermostat all the way up to 70! What do you say?”

“Sure!”

He practically hopped back to turn the thermostat up and she let out a little laugh that felt strange in the old place.

“You’re such an idiot Bea,” she admonished herself. “You’re all giddy just because you touched a dick. You might as well start dressing in floral patterns and wearing cute hats.”

Part of her wanted to slap herself out of it, but most of her was simply happy.

“What’s up today?” Germ asked when he came back. “More inventory?”

“No, I changed my mind. Let’s clean the old place up instead. I feel like doing real work for a change, and it’s been ages. Can you get the cleaning stuff from the warehouse?”

“Will do, Bea.”

Shortly afterwards Bea found herself mopping the floors, while Germ was washing the windows.

“So, Bea. Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?”

“Casey of course!”

Bea drew in her breath and sighed, long and audibly.

“You know?”

“I was the audience last night you know.”

“Yeah. Casey. I guess I can’t keep it a secret much longer anyway. Me and Casey.”

“He wrote that song for you, didn’t he?”

“Yup. It’s my song,” Bea said wistfully, stopping her mopping.

“Must be nice.”

“It is, Germ. It’s the most… profound thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Bea’s in love,” Germ practically chirped.

“I guess so,” she laughed. “Who’d ever have guessed that could ever happen?”

“Oh, it’s not so weird,” Germ replied. “You’re not quite the rock you think you are. Never have been.”

“No, I guess I’m not,” Bea admitted. “But Germ… it’s so wonderful and terrible at the same time. I get angry easily, I know. But I don’t get scared, Germ. I’ve never been someone who gets scared.”

“Scared? What’s there to be scared of?”

“You don’t understand, Germ. It makes you so… oh, I don’t know what the word is. Vulnerable? Yeah. It makes you so vulnerable. That’s not something I’m comfortable with.”

“Well, I’m no philosopher Bea, but I think that’s kinda what life is. It’s fragile, no matter how hard you try to be. But it’s nice to see you smile. I don’t think I ever saw you smile before last week. Now you’re practically beaming. You deserve it Bea. Everyone in town knows what you’ve been through. You deserve a little happiness.”

“Well, thanks Germ. You’re a good friend. Just… don’t tell Angus or Gregg yet. Let me and Casey tell them.”

“No problem.”

The bell rang. A regular. Bea looked up, dusted herself off and opened the door.

“Hey Germ, can you do the back room? I’d like to get that done too this morning. I’ll run the shop.”

“No problem, Bea.”

An hour later, the store was empty again and Bea was going over some receipts when Germ stepped out of the back room holding something. He didn’t say anything and Bea looked up.

“Germ? What is it?”

He didn’t answer. He held out his hands over the counter.

“No.”

Bea’s eyes grew large and she felt the blood leave her face.

“Oh no. Oh god! Germ!”

“It was behind some boxes, over by the blanket.”

Bea took what Germ held in his hands, not wanting to believe what she was seeing, but once she held the drug paraphernalia physically, she could no longer deny it.

“NO!!!” Bea wailed. Her legs began to shake uncontrollably before they turned to noodles and buckled, and she fell to her knees just staring at what she held.

Germ raced around behind the counter and helped her to a sitting position. Her eyes were wet and red already, mascara and eye-shadow running like dark rivers down her eyes.

“Oh Germ. Please wake me up! PLEASE don’t let this be real!”

His own voice shaking, Germ hugged her close. “Sorry Bea. I’m so sorry!”

“Oh god. No. Why here? Anywhere but here! Germ!”

The bell rang and Germ looked up from behind the counter. Another customer.

“Wait here, Bea. I’m going to close up.”

Bea looked up at him and focused for a moment.

“Yes. Yes, do that. Tell them something came up and I had to close. I’ll give them a discount tomorrow or something. Put up a sign.”

“Okay Bea. I’ll be back as soon as I get things squared away.”

She heard Germ talking with the customer, but she wasn’t hearing right. She couldn’t concentrate on what he said. Her heart felt like lead, beating in her chest.

And then she began to think beyond what she was seeing. Her grief turned to rage in increments, but with each passing second the rage became hotter.

“Bea, are you going to be alright?”

Her mascara-streaked eyes looked at him. The bloodshot eyes no longer sought comfort. They had turned hard, but also a deep sadness lay behind them.

“No Germ. I’m not going to be alright ever again I don’t think. Oh Germ. I’ve been so stupid. So GOD DAMNED STUPID!”

She began hitting herself in the head. Germ grabbed her hands and held them together in front of her.

“No, Bea. You’ve been human. Like everyone else that has ever lived. Bea, I know what you’re going through. You’ve been insulating yourself from the world for so long, you’ve forgotten how badly it can hurt. But the only people who don’t hurt are dead. Don’t be dead to the world, Bea. It didn’t work out. But it’s not the end of the world. For you or him. Don’t shut out the whole world because of this.”

Bea looked at Germ for the first time. Really looked at him.

“What are you, Germ?”

“Me? I’m… just Germ. I play video games. I watch you play in the band. I help you around the place. That’s all. I’m just Germ.”

“No. You’re not just Germ. You’re my friend. You’re everyone’s friend. Oh Germ, I’m sorry I could never be more than a friend to you. You deserve… more.”

“Oh Bea, now you’re just being emotional. Snap out of it. I don’t need more. I like being everybody’s friend! I have this uncle though. He’s a janitor. He says these things, like ‘You can’t stop things from breaking, but you can try to keep them from getting worse. And then you try to fix them. You’ve got to learn skills to fix things right though.’ That’s all I am. I want to be like him. I want to fix things.”

“Sorry Germ. I guess you’re right. But damn it hurts. It hurts so goddamn much!”

“I know,” he said, stroking her hands. “I know, Bea.”

“Have you ever been in love?”

“ME? Oh hell no! Thank God no! But I’ve seen it before. I don’t know why people make such a big deal out of it. It always ends in tragedy. Ever Damn Time. And yet…”

“And yet,” she echoed. “And yet, Germ, it’s the greatest feeling ever.”

“Bea, if I was magic and could wipe your memory of Casey - if everything was back to how it was before - would you want me to do that?”

Bea closed her eyes and wiped the tears from them, but they were just replaced with more.

“No. He was so nice. I… No. It’s part of me. I wouldn’t want to lose that.”

“What you felt, Bea, that was real. The universe will break everything, but that doesn’t mean what was there before wasn’t real.”

“It was. Germ, I want it back so bad. It was magic.”

“So I’ve heard. Bea, this is going to take a long time to get over. But you will get over it. Try to remember that, for those times when you’re alone in bed, staring at the ceiling and beating yourself up over it. You will get over it, Bea. At least mostly. It’s a kind of death, and you’ll go through the mourning of this death. You’ll want to die with it. But don’t succumb to that. You will get over it. After enough time. For now… all you can do is take the pain.”

“It’s going to take a long time, Germ. How is it possible to get this wrapped up in someone in so little time?”

“That damn four-letter word Bea. It is a kind of magic.”

“Black magic.”

“Sometimes. But not always, Bea. Sometimes, it actually works out. For a while.”

She nodded, and gritted her teeth, and Germ helped her to her feet. She picked up the little bag, the glass pipe, the aluminum foil. She was about to throw them in the garbage when the door opened.

She began to tremble at the person who walked into the Ol’ Pickaxe. She turned around so he couldn’t see her face. Germ left and she heard the warehouse door shut behind him, but she heard the words he’d whispered just before he left her side.

“It’s okay to still love him, Bea. There is no shame in that.”

“Good morning Bea!” came Casey’s voice behind her. “Why is the store closed? Something wrong?”

#bea santello #beatrice santello #nitw #night in the woods #fanfiction #prequel

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