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subsystems · 8 months

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10.2.23

Disclaimer: This is my own musings about plurality. I talk about my personal experience with unification (final fusion) too. Don't read if that upsets you for some reason.

Something I haven't really talked about is my relationship with the idea of plurality. I saw someone talking about how they feel simultaneously plural and not plural, and I find that really relatable.

I used to despise being called plural. It brought me so much shame. Made me feel like this one single symptom of my disability was being cherrypicked and pinned onto me as a label. I felt like my vast and varied experience with DID was minimized for something much more palatable and "fun" to others. It was almost like the full DID was being pushed aside. Like being told "yes, you should continue to hide that and you should continue to be ashamed of it."

I also felt like plurality still applied to me, though. Yes, the blanket definition of plurality does fit me. I am a person who has multiple parts, a plurality of perspectives, I am "more than one." That fits...but that's not all?

I think another thing is that, when I got diagnosed, I didn't even feel plural even though I knew the term technically fit me. I hardly ever felt a presence of parts even though they were there. We hardly talked, hardly wanted to acknowledge each other, even though the evidence was there. For me, it was like being forcibly dragged in and out of existence. Someone else would replace me but I wouldn't know that, wouldn't remember. So, what do you mean that there are systems who never feel lonely or out of control because they're always co-conscious, voluntarily switching, and chatting inside? What do you mean that's even possible? Was I the only one living my own life in slivers and pieces? Was I the only one experiencing the unbearable loneliness that is my DID?

Yeah, I am "more than one" but...

It was complicated. There's probably old posts on my blog where I talk about how I'm not plural even though I have DID. And probably other posts where I'm calling myself plural as if my teeth are clenched. Like it's painful but necessary.

Sometimes I revisit those old feelings, but for the most part I feel at peace with the concept of plurality now. As a young trauma survivor, it was hard to separate the concept itself from the online culture surrounding it. But, ultimately, the way other people experience their plurality doesn't invalidate me. The concept itself doesn't minimize or shame me. It's just a word for an experience, in the same way that dissociation and flashbacks are words for experiences. The way these things are treated and talked about are ripe for criticism, not the experiences themselves. It's nice to have words for them.

And there's no universal way of "being more than one" because it ranges on a spectrum of experiences. Much in the same way dissociation can be mild or extreme, be it brought on by trauma, mental disorders, religious practices, drugs, or other things. Who fucking cares.

But when I think about it...when did I start actually feeling plural despite always fitting the concept? Out of anything, I think unification (final fusion) was actually what helped me finally feel my own plurality. Isn't that interesting?

Unification was when we finally felt each other. I feel the entire multitude because I am it. We're all together, all at once, at all moments. We're constantly in communication. There's no blocks, no separations, no barriers. I'm all of us and we're all of me: a big bundle of parts, connected together like a constellation.

That feels more like plurality than anything I ever felt before.

#sunflower posts #actuallydid #actuallyplural #actuallydissociative #actuallycdd #actuallymultiple #plurality #DID recovery #dissociative identity disorder #long post #personal experiences #final fusion

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eelfuneral · 10 months

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As an autistic person with co-occurring ADHD, I’m really bothered by the way some parts of the autism community treat the ADHD community. Here is some of what I’m seeing:

People being hyper-vigilant about people talking over us to a point where they shut down people with ADHD talking about traits that they have in common with us: There is a big difference between noting a shared or similar experience and completely taking over a conversation.

Making comments about how people with inattentive ADHD “are really just autistic”, often followed by a comment about how the person in question or their doctor is “too ableist” to admit it: Yes, many people who are autistic and don’t have ADHD get mis-diagnosed with ADHD, and yes, many traits of the two disabilities look very similar, but you still have no place to make this judgment about a stranger in the internet. A person with what could be seen as autistic traits stating that they just have ADHD may very well just have ADHD. It is unlikely that they are trying to avoid being “lumped in with those autistic people” so much as they are giving accurate information about their disability.

Treating ADHD like it’s not a “real” disability: I see this outside of our community too, but it has definitely bled in and mixed with a “they aren’t really disabled, unlike me” attitude. ADHD is absolutely a disability. Yes, it would remain one even in a collectivist utopia without capitalism. Yes, it can make life difficult in really disabling ways. You are not the disability police, so turn in your badge and leave other people alone.

Telling AUHD people that the term AUHD is “offensive” because the acronym contains a D for “disorder”: If you don’t have Autism and ADHD, then you don’t get to police what we call ourselves. The D stands for the “disorder” in ADHD specifically, and it is mashed together with AU to make a short, snappy label. Until they come up with a new name for ADHD, the D is likely here to stay. No, we are not calling you “disordered” for being autistic. WE ARE AUTISTIC TOO.

#auhd #adhd #actuallyautistic

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ipso-faculty · 6 months

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I just wanted to ask for clarification on the redefinition of the term mesosex, am I correct in assuming that it no longer describes me? I'm someone who had started identifying with the term due to being part of the "group 8" that you described in your original discussion as being the intended audience:

Not seen as intersex by intersex people: PMDD, endometriosis, and other reproductive disorders, who may relate to the intersex experience anyway. Reading asks that @queercripintersex got from people in this category was what gave me the seed of the idea for mesosex.

More specifically, I have endometriosis which seems to be related to low progesterone, and now that I'm on progesterone HRT to treat my endo I'm having the weird experience of undergoing hormonal feminization (breast growth, fat redistribution, etc) for the first time at the age of 25. So I'm technically perisex, but it feels kinda weird calling myself that when I'm an afab person on feminizing HRT that's making me go through the same physical changes my transfem friends are going through 😅 I also feel that I identify with some of the experiences I've heard from intersex people about social ostracization due to not fitting in with society's ideas about sex and gender. I was treated differently as a teenager by some people due to not "looking like" a girl for one, and personally I also feel alienated when people (primarily transphobes tbh) talk about how a universal and important experience of growing up as a girl is that after you go through puberty strangers start sexualizing you, because I... never experienced that. My body just didn't develop that way (not that I'm complaining, but you know)

I just wanted to make sure like... should I stop using the term? I thought I had found something that described my experiences, but if I no longer fit the definition then I don't want to be like disrespectful or anything

Hi! Thank you for the ask! 🩵

So my first reaction on glancing at your ask was "maybe there should be a term for the group 8 people". 🤔

But then I sat down and properly read your ask, and... I'm not actually sure you're group 8? 🤔 My personal conviction is that an AFAB with chronically low progesterone to an extent that it would have had noticeable effects on pubertal development & social development is intersex in the same ways that somebody with chronically low estrogen is considered intersex.

Hypogonadism is in InterAct's list of variations, and I don't see how hypoprogesteronism wouldn't be be a kind of hypogonadism. 🧐 Wikipedia includes low progesterone in their page on hypogonadism. Here's how InterAct defines it:

Similarly, MOGAI wiki defines hypogonadism as intersex and explicitly mentions low progesterone. But I can see somebody dismissing MOGAI wiki as being on the more radical side of things.

So for the most conservative/intermedicalist takes within the pan-intersex community I look to what ISNA has on their website. And they list hypogonadotrophic hypogonadism as an intersex variation - i.e. hypogonadism wherein you don't have a complete puberty, which it sounds like could be the case for you?

So to me I think you're actually in group 5? 😅 So the redefinition of mesosex is still scoped in a way that (as far as I'm concerned) would still include you. 🤠

But if I've misunderstood your case and you don't think hypogonadism applies, perhaps there is a need to create a word for what I had dubbed group 8 (people with reproductive disorders that identify with intersex people but whom are not generally accepted as intersex by the intersex community). Maybe juxtasex could be repurposed for this since it never really got taken up as a term for non-intersex? Or a new word entirely? 🤔

Though honestly I don't know how big the demand is. NGL: every time I've interacted with somebody with PMDD/endometriosis who identifies with intersex people, once they start explaining why, I get the distinct impression they have an intersex variation that has been underexplored. 🤷 I kinda suspect that the PMDD/endometriosis people who aren't sure if they're intersex would be served by the already existing term "extersex". 👀

IDK, let me know what you think! Happy to think about coining new terms. 🤓

#asks #intersex #mesosex #extersex #hypogonadism #endometriosis #juxtasex #text #actuallyintersex #actually intersex

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ruvviks · 17 days

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HIIIIIIIIIII for nathan obviously <3 what a guy <3 🩹🔶🐉❤️🤍💔💛

nathan asks!

🩹 ADHESIVE BANDAGE — does your oc have any physical and/or mental disabilities?

when nathan was young, he was sent to some sort of a jdc after being accused of killing his younger sister rosie (he did not do this). here he was treated by an unreliable specialist who ended up diagnosing him with a bunch of things he didn't have, after which he was given medication which fucked him up pretty bad. in secret, all of this was just mobius experiments since the jdc in question was a secret mobius location, which meant they've been keeping an eye on nathan since he was around ten years old

if nathan were to get some proper diagnoses later in his life, he would be diagnosed with a variety of things (correctly this time); paranoid personality disorder, which mainly stems from his paranoia in combination with how he's been treated all his life; depersonalization-derealization disorder, which is mostly the result of both his horrible youth as well as the continuous jumping between real life and the STEM environment (which is essentially a dream environment made out of minds linked together); ocd, always been with him; and then later on also ptsd and even psychosis, both direct results of the STEM environment's influence on his psyche. he does get proper treatment eventually and manages to manage it all pretty well given the circumstances

as for physical disabilities, nathan injured his leg in a fight with the harbinger during the events of tew2. it has left some permanent damage (though he's not sure if it's in his leg or between his ears) causing him to get very annoying pain in it if he runs / walks for too long

🔶 LARGE ORANGE DIAMOND — does your oc know cpr? do they have any other medical expertise?

nathan's medical expertise does not go much further than what he was taught at mobius, which would mostly be basic wound tending etc. he would've had cpr classes with that as well, but he's never had to use his skills in a real situation before so if they're actually useful skills is up for debate

he can patch up most of his own wounds but not very neatly, so most of them leave pretty big and visible scars. he's not bothered by it though but because of this generally doesn't feel confident patching up others since he doesn't want to fuck something up for them

🐉 DRAGON — what is your oc's favorite mythical creature?

one thing about nathan is that he's a sceptic through and through so his interest in mythical creatures would be below the ground LMAO he would think werewolves are pretty cool but if anything he would think that in a horny way. and that's it

❤️ RED HEART — what are three of your oc's positive traits?

nathan is very efficient and practical. he has a varied skillset and is very thorough and focused on the task at hand, which makes him a very professional man to work with. he values quality and is always looking to learn and become better at things, which would've basically made him employee of the month at mobius every month

it's interesting that a lot of his positive traits are work-related, but for the longest time nathan's life entirely revolved around work and who he was within mobius. more of his positive traits for his personal life would be that he's witty, a lot more intelligent than he makes himself out to be, and overall a surprisingly nice person to talk to. he does have weird and off-putting vibes which make him a bit less approachable but if you get past that he is very pleasant in conversation

🤍 WHITE HEART — what are three of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?

nathan can be very objective which sometimes results in him being clear-headed and direct, but sometimes it translates to him being cold and distant. he is also extremely loyal; a good trait to have, as long as it's loyalty with the right kind of people, and he has definitely not always been on the right side of history considering he was part of mobius (albeit against his will; he did end up doing a lot of things for them that he did have control over)

on top of all that, nathan can be very selfless, giving his all to keep something or someone who means a lot to him safe. this makes him protective, but also very self-destructive, as he cares little about what happens to himself in the process

💔 BROKEN HEART — what are three of your oc's negative traits?

nathan is a very vengeful man and he holds serious grudges which he generally takes to his grave. he easily feels wronged by situations or other people and when someone hurts him it's very difficult for him to trust them again. he's also impulsive and stubborn, both of which can be observed in the way he can devote himself entirely to a cause or another person if he cares about them enough, and the self-destructive behavior that comes with it

💛 YELLOW HEART — how many languages does your oc speak? what language(s) are they learning, if any?

nathan is fluent in english and spanish, and he knows bits and pieces of japanese as well as sign language because of his history with mobius. he is actively teaching himself more sign language currently, and would love to know more languages than he does but it's very difficult for him to do so he would probably not be able to fully become fluent in a fourth language (counting asl as his (eventual) third)

#asks #hibernationsuit #ask:nathan #oc asks #THANK YOU <3 he is very special to me #basically his entire brain is just fried on account of all the horrors which is understandable #it would eventually be very hard for him to tell whether he's in the real world or in a STEM environment or if he's dreaming #which would make. like. every part of his brain even worse. which is not ideal in the slightest

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chickalupe · 7 months

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Feeling very down right now, just want to vent...

(Treating this like my old Livejournal since I don't really have anywhere else I can complain LMAO)

I've been out of work since August after completely running out of FMLA.

Between getting severe COVID in February and being out recovering for 6 weeks -- and then with Long COVID making the chronic fatigue and migraines I already had even worse -- I ended up missing so much work that I used all the time FMLA allowed before the year was even half over.

I'm living with my parents now and don't really have income except my savings; honestly most days I don't have the physical or mental spoons to even contemplate applying for even a part-time remote position yet. Thankfully I also have a retirement fund I am slowly cashing in, even if that also isn't really sustainable long-term. (But me losing my insurance will definitely be an issue soon when I run out of refills for my prescription meds...)

I'm aware that I've been pretty isolated since August; I've gotten maybe like two texts from former co-workers. I'm mostly asleep during the daytime and don't drive, so going out is hard. The person I consider my BFF is out of state and is busy with their own life. The only people I talk to most days are my Mom and Dad. (Admittedly, I am also pretty terrible about calling or texting people!) Tumblr has thus been the majority of my social interaction, for good or ill.

On top of all that, my birthday is this Friday and I always find myself depressed anyway this time of year. Like, it's probably half Seasonal Affective Disorder, and half a reminder that I'm a year older and having mixed feelings about where I am in life, IDK... But the current situation of *gestures vaguely at everything* isn't helping. So I am very blergh in general.

My parents and I had made vague plans a couple weeks ago that we could all go out for dinner on my actual birthday; nothing fancy, maybe the nearest sit-down Mexican restaurant. I was kinda looking forward to it. Mom just informed me that she is now unavailable after 5pm on my b-day itself since she offered to babysit kids for someone in their church that evening and night. We can't do it tomorrow night either, because Mom & Dad will be at a craft show from 4pm to 10pm.

And... it's fine, I guess. I'm disappointed but I'm an adult. I'm not gonna throw a tantrum or yell and cry or try to guilt her about it. She brought me flowers from the grocery store as a sort of peace offering and says we can still have cake or whatever. We'll probably do something on Saturday instead.

But EVERY YEAR, it's something. Last year, it was the cheesecake I asked for as a birthday cake getting dropped on the way into the house from the car; over half of it was smushed and then Dad stole the best remaining slice for himself. The two years before that, it was during the worst of the pandemic so I just had mediocre delivery food. I literally cannot remember the last birthday I really enjoyed in over a decade and half.

Another big source of anxiety right now -- we found out have 60 days to move since the leasing company is selling this house. So we have to find a new place, be packed and then move by January. Meanwhile home inspectors, realty agents and potential buyers are walking through while we're still living here, and it's super stressful. Words can't express how much I hate strangers being here any and all days of the week.

I guess I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. I'm not trying to be whiny or woe-is-me, but my mental health right now is uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Not Great (tm) 😅. I do try hard to be positive but it just takes so much energy and I'm stressed and a little numb.

Not really sure how to end this. I just really needed to put it all in writing as a journal-type situation so that I don't end up crying in real life LOL.

Current Mood: burnt-out 😑

Current Music: HGTV playing in the background

#personal #don't reblog #personal don't reblog #vent post #life update

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hereforyourdispleasure · 8 months

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Commission Corruption/Regicide Joke/OG Darian comparisons

So I won't be going over the subtle differences between Regicide Joke and Commission Corruption routes because they're fairly similar.

The main difference being RJ Darian still works towards Darian's original goal of the power of the head of the commission being nonexistent/shared out equally to the point such a position has no purpose, while CC Darian takes that control and goes along with it. This isn't to say RJ Darian doesn't have a position of power in the commission, he does, he's literally removed all hierarchical power from Reg, using him moreso as a mascot. It's just that he's still functioning, and wanting to function, as part of a collective. For the betterment of the individual employees

CC Darian had the ideal of making the commission a better place, and has enforced the rules and regulations wanted so that employees aren't treated as they were. But obviously, he's placed himself at the top, with the understanding that there is a chair to fill. Without that position filled, the commission risks disorder, risks someone else trying to take over.

Both of these versions acted in response to their separation from the group. RJ just carries on, accepts the whole death thing as another shit thing that's happened. But definitely has a sense of ego about it all. He's survived death multiple times, Reg has nothing on him, blah blah. Does he miss his friends? Yes. But they pushed him out, and he's got a job to do, a goal to fully achieve.

CC is just pissed off at this point. He feels like he's put in a lot of effort, he's continuously tried his hardest to protect everyone, make sure they're ok and got what they need, and not only does the person he worked to protect and transport to live the life she wanted tell him he's not part of the group and try to manipulate him, the guy who's complaining about him and saying he needs to be talked to won't talk to him. Despite CC trying to encourage him to, despite CC asking both Orpheus and Oliver to talk it out to him and tell him what he did and have a go at him, nobody does the intervention they keep complaining needs to happen. Instead, it's just manipulation and threats. So he does what any definitely logically thinking person would do in that situation and just cuts himself off from everyone, seizes the controls he's been messing around with, and maintains his isolated experience, except now at the top

And so the big difference between these two and Darian as he is how they are with the people around them. Og Darian still very much respects Five, tries to understand his perspective, tries to help. Despite his own acknowledgement of how shitty Five can be sometimes. RJ and especially CC Darian both do not have time for that bullshit anymore. They both see it as there was never any chance of Five actually liking him because of his career, that he continuously complains but hates when people try to sort the problem, that no matter what he does Five will complain about feeling useless and inferior and that he's a coward for complaining for an intervention without following through. Similar thing for Rags, because what she did was part of the breaking away from the group. Darian respects her, wants her to be safe, worries for her because he knows she's being too naïve with Jim, dislikes that she did that but is generally fine with her. RJ and CC absolutely not vibing. They both feel like she used them- for protection, for transport, for gifts, and still got expected more of. They just see her as developing a power hungry and manipulative attitude because of being with Jim and just would have a lot of resentment

In terms of relationships I can see RJ and CC as being a lot more possessive. Darian isn't possessive, tries to make sure it stays that way because freedom is a big thing for him. He's had experience of restrictive relationships, and is absolutely disgusted by it. RJ maintains this idea of freedom, of course, that's what he's trying to do at the commission, he's just attached because at least someone hasn't thrown him out like the rest. CC couldn't care less. If he has to be protective of his partner, especially when they're insulted for standing by him, he will absolutely be protective. All three of these versions of Darian can provide for their partners, og wants his partners to provide for themselves so they don't become dependent on him. CC would give his partner as much as possibly ever needed. Plus more

Both RJ and CC are a lot more confident in their positions of power, og doesn't really like the position of power unless it means holding power over threats to him and his friends

CC pure definition of unethical businessman. He fucks with shit just to fuck with shit, maintains his power. Doesn't care about the ethics (aka lack of) with manipulating the people around him, because as he sees it, the people he actually trusted not to did it to him and used him. He's sick of having to play along to everything and is dead set on his work via whatever means. RJ continues on og's questionable ethics, really leaning into the (cough cough killing and replacing every higher up that og did cough cough) lack of ethics when dealing with people within the commission, and soon other timeline agencies, who have done shit. Aka employee mistreatment, dodgy experiments ect. Og's ethics have definitely grown more questionable as time's gone on. Obviously not by much, one of his first posts was literally him breaking into archives, he was confused about Five saying he'd killed the founder which was older him because "Oop there goes my plan out the window" (more on that in another essay 😉). He's dodgy, but he has ethics and restrictions

In conclusion: I like the corrupt business aesthetic but only when the person has literally dragged themself to that position of power. Slay Darian. Shakira Shakira 🏳️‍🌈

#alt darian talk #darian talk #ok so maybe the first sentence was a lie

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sysmemes · 1 year

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Ask game

1, 3, 4

1. Do you have an inner world? If yes, is it something you consciously made? What is your inner world like?

Kinda? My inner world is more of a thought exercise that facilitates communication and switching than it is “a place to hang out when not in front”. I have some control over how it looks but not entirely. Its based on dreams I had when I was younger. Its a hill with a cave for each alter and some other caves that I’ve only been able to go into once or twice. There’s also a forest and a beach, but I haven’t explored them much. There’s a “control room” where you go when you’re in front thats just an underwater cave, and to exit and go to the inner world you go out the door and swim up to the surface, then walk through a waterfall. Theres a weeping willow near the waterfall as well.

3. Do you experience your disorder as overt or covert? What does that mean to you?

Definitely covert, and I like it that way. For me, it means that I don’t tell anybody irl (or even online outside of system spaces) that I have a CDD, except my boyfriend. My boyfriend treats me like they would treat a singlet. I don’t have blackout amnesia or frequent possessive switches. I don’t use pluralkit almost ever. The changes in mannerisms / style / etc that others could see are very subtle to the point that I rarely notice them myself. There’s definitely been times where people around me have witnessed a “hard/sudden” switch that came with a big change in personality, thoughts, behaviors, etc, but I can make excuses and nobody realizes its a switch. I also use I/me most of the time. I guess for me being covert means a mix of “actions I choose to take to make sure nobody else knows”, “ways my system functions that allows me to hide it”, and “ways my system functions that makes it so I didn’t know for a long time”.

4. How do you experience communication from parts?

Our communication isn’t very good tbh. If we want to talk to each other, whoever is in front has to consciously go back into the headspace and see if they can find anyone, but its hard and doesn’t work often. The most reliable way we can communicate is when the part in front is distressed. Then, a part might be able to talk at them, but I don’t think the part in front is usually able to talk back to them. Its definitely something I need to work on. So far the lack of communication hasn’t caused a ton of problems, but I imagine it will need to get better as we do more trauma stuff in therapy.

#not a sysmeme #a word from our sponsors

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aplaceforthesoul · 1 year

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I've (22M) been seeing someone for a while and we're getting to that point of are-we-gonna-be-a-thing. I have a depressive disorder and I've mentioned it to her before but never too much because we were still getting to know each other and it's personal (obviously) and I didn't want her to treat me any differently. Because it has a pretty big impact on my life (and anyone who will be around me a lot) I feel like I have to have a proper conversation with her about it before we get into a relationship but I am scared it will make her feel weird or pressured. Me being depressed shouldn't matter, it's just a part of my life, but it can be a lot to deal with for people. Any tips?

I agree, it's definitely something to have a proper conversation about. it's a conversation that's best had in person -- I can see the appeal of chatting online or texting about this, and at times online conversations can be more effective! but there's also a lot that can get lost with online conversation (such as body language, eye contact etc) that can be really important with personal conversations like this.

if you want to try and gauge her response before you have this conversation, you could chat about mental health generally? like you could catch up tomorrow and you could talk 'generally' about a friend who has bipolar disorder and that his parents have been mixed with their support -- basically talk about yourself in the third person, use a 'friend' as an example, maybe change a few details, see how she responds. you did mention that this is something you've briefly spoken about, but using a 'friend' as an example could give you more of an opportunity to talk more openly about it, without having to put yourself in the spotlight just yet.

find time to talk in person where there aren't too many distractions around, and just be as honest as you can. have positive body language where you can -- regular eye contact, holding hands/sitting close to her, avoid crossed arms or legs. sometimes writing it down beforehand can help? maybe that's full sentences that have flow or just bullet points, but it can be a really useful way to give yourself reminders if you get a little anxious or tongue-tied and forgetful. try to ensure that you say "do you have any questions?" or something along those lines at the end -- it can help engage her in the conversation, and give her the chance to ask anything she's unsure of, or wants to understand better.

I really hope this conversation goes well for you friend, I do. it's a tough conversation to have, but an important (and necessary) one. let us know how it goes for you, good luck <3

- tash

#advice #mental health #depression #depressive disorder #relationships #22m #advise #support #help

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th-ramblr · 2 years

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17, 38, 39

Munday Asks || accepting

what was your first muse?

{--I mean if we’re talking my very, very first RP muse ever, back when I was a wee little 11 year old chatroom gremlin, it was some edgy wolf / half god / half demon with a name I stole from a wildlife documentary XD I played them for a good 5 years or so. Got into a lot of trouble because they were a dick IC and a few people in this dedicated group couldn’t keep their IC and OOC separate. One dude in the group especially hated me so I got banned by them like 6 or 7 times and the head admin had to keep unbanning me lmao. It was usually over dumb shit like “your character got into a fight with my characters’ mate” who the player of that character didn’t really care and was actually pretty chill.

I think about the same time I also had a Warrior Cats character that was part of a big forum, but I ended up in some stupid drama over what I could or couldn’t do with a character when the old admin retired and a new one stepped up, who... as soon as they got promoted and took over the forum, “just happened” to want to write out a pretty graphic rape scene and were laughing about and celebrating it on the front page chatroom and was just an overall bully who turned the site and other peoples’ characters into sidekicks for their personal RP-Fanfic railroad plot lines. I kinda ragequit after that lmao I had a lot of other members stand up for me and call out the admin but when they’re the site owner, what can you really do? The whole site kinda died after that.--}

what’s the best inspiration for your muse?

{--That’s a tough one to answer with Kytes. His muse is pretty loud and just There™, and he’ll definitely give me stuff to work with, but when it comes to actual character-to-character interaction he likes to put his nose up if there’s not “something in it for him”. And even then he’s extremely leery of most. So in a way he sort of has to be bribed. For me personally and OOCly, I just like tossing him in with different muses to see what’ll happen. The majority of the time, Kytes either wants to brush someone off or ends up not liking them, but every so often he finds some muses who are more easy-going or friendly that he’s at least not an outright dick towards.--}

what’s a song that reminds you of your muse?

{--I’ve got a whole playlist, actually lmfao.

But if I had to pick, uh... juuuust a few...

“No Plan B”, Manafest. Probably the big one. Big punk vibes for a big punk, and maybe some little allusions to his heart condition and short life and impulsivity :^)

“Ticking”, Tin. More allusions to his limited lifespan :^)

“Headstrong”, Trapt. Pretty self-explanatory XD

“Nobody’s Listening”, Linkin Park. Especially related to his speech disorder, abuse he suffered because of it, and just his anti-social tendencies towards 99% of people.

“If These Scars Could Speak”, Citizen Soldier. Related to his abuse he doesn’t like to talk about, his antagonistic relationship with most people, and his speech disorder as well and a lot of the ableism he’s had to deal with.

“Animal in Me”, Solence. I mean more literally he is a Wolf Shifter. But more symbolically, just the general rage and negativity he has pent up inside him from his abuse, his disabilities, social expectations, etc. that just don’t really work for him and his lashing out at the world.

“Shot in the Dark”, Within Temptation. Just some emo tunes about his feels, being an orphan with nothing and no one, how he’s been treated and his abuse, his defiance and attitude, and ofc a few different meanings related to “heart”, his heart condition of course but also how he’s been overlooked or tossed aside by people who didn’t see his worth, and a little bit his relationship with Reno.

“Over When Its Over”, Falling in Reverse. Kytes’ general defiance and struggle to survive and find happiness but also being faced with a lot of just general shit, also some mentions of him fucking up and making a lot of bad decisions in life, but also a lot of the time being a victim of circumstances he can’t control and a lack of anyone around to help him (prior to Reno).

“Run Boy Run”, Woodkid. Kytes basically spends most of his life running from people and things he doesn’t like or things that are out to hurt him, sometimes literally and sometimes figuratively with putting up walls, alienating and distancing himself from people, since the world has just generally been pretty cruel to him.

“Dream Your Dream”, TryHardNinja. Another big emo song related to living on the streets and abuse.

“Wrong Side Of Heaven”, Five Finger Death Punch. Not really being a “good” person but not a villain either, just being generally alone and doing what he has to do to survive with what little he has to work with, which means he sometimes does good things by people (if they matter enough to him) and sometimes doing really shitty things to get ahead or feel comfortable/safe.

“Someone Who Cares”, Three Days Grace. Just general drifter vibes and Kytes being a street kid that has to look out for himself and is just generally treated like garbage or overlooked.

“Give Me A Reason”, Three Days Grace. Kytes’ paranoia and distrust that people won’t hurt or abuse him. He looks for reasons to justify hating and distrusting them, to an irrational degree, and if he can’t find something, he’ll usually create a reason for people to “show their ugly side” to justify that paranoia (self-fulfilling prophecy). But its also Kytes at Reno when they were still new to each other before he learned to trust him, because he was pretty damn scared about what would happen when they got closer, and that fear was enough that he really tried to resist liking him at first and struggled with the fact he was also attracted (not sexually, just in general) to the safety Reno offered him.

“Face Down”, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Big Reno x Kytes song, mostly because when Reno started getting to know Kytes and about his abuse, he not only made sure to protect him but also paid those that hurt him in the past a “visit” and hurt them in return to offer Kytes some peace of mind that there was some karma in the world. (It also kinda made Kytes fall for him hard, woops).

“Ugly”, Nicole Dollanganger (male version). Mostly about Reno learning about Kytes’ abuse, especially the sexual abuse, and the start of their relationship and Reno making a point to take revenge on the people that hurt Kytes before.

“A Sadness Runs Through Him”, The Hoosiers. Kytes was forced to try to grow up faster to survive the streets, impatient to be treated like an adult when he wasn’t one, and it got him hurt and taken advantage of. Even when he met Reno who wanted his genuine happiness and safety, he wanted to insist on being treated as older than he was, as someone capable and worthwhile, despite Reno telling him he’s just fine as he is. Instead of being content with just being loved and pampered, he wants to charge ahead and experience as much as he can and be regarded as an equal adult despite his shortcomings (and at times, age). Reno realizes the tragedy of it, but Kytes doesn’t. Kytes also knows he’s going to live a short life thanks to his heart condition, and wants to live and see as much as he can before his time is up, always thinking about how much time he doesn’t have to waste like everyone else.

“North”, Sleeping At Last. Kytes finding safety and love with Reno ofc

“So Far Gone”, Thousand Foot Krutch. Reno and Kytes’ ship song (which is also my tag for them). Not even really in a romantic / sexual sense, just how the two of them try to look after each other and that soft joy that was especially present in their early relationship when Kytes first learned what it was like to have someone to care about who also cared about him :^)

“In The End”, Black Veil Brides. Kytes’ newfound life with Reno’s pack, his personal growth and his willingness to actually fight and even die if he has to for something other than himself, and his bond with Reno especially.

“Unbreakable”, Fireflight. About Kytes’ past abuse and his new relationship with Reno (who he kind of views like a god, woops) and some of the new hope and happiness he’s found with him.

“Something Wild”, Lindsey Stirling. More of a big hope song related to Kytes and Reno’s relationship and how Kytes’ world has gotten larger and brighter thanks to Reno taking him in and trying to give him good experiences and drawing out a lot of his better qualities.--}

#Answered: Cor #noctiilvcent #the muse #Muse Canon #Sometimes I Wonder Why You Even Care || Reno #rape mention tw

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urstruly-ghst · 2 years

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Hey ✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧! If it's okay can you do this with vice dorm leaders? (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*.✧

note : this is my older works, and i would edit it soon 😎! if you want to access the story , here is the new link :)

to celebrate the en release of twst! i present :

scenario : bully chases you down after spilling water on them by accident

trey clover

Trey loved keeping you out of trouble, he made it his whole mission ever since he developed some feelings for you. At first it was harmless things such as making you avoid being late, to extreme catching you while flying.

He knew how much rebellious streak is in you, that it was bound to make some people cross lines with you. That was never good. Hence why, he was not so surprised when you run around, with a well known delinquent on your tail.

The bully chased you down, it was chaotic, Trey would try to negotiate or at the very least use his authority to even out the conflict. He'd give punishment to both of you, for causing disorder if the time comes. After all, he wants to look fair in the eyes of Riddle and others.

However, Trey lets you off easily (you'd think he would let you suffer? No! He'd never!) If the bully/delinquent refuses to comply, harsh and cruel words and hidden punishment is to occur.

If they are under the Heartslabyul dorm, he'd let them carry out the big organization and event planning. If not, he'd use his authority or connections to other dorms for rightful punishment for threatening and chasing you down!

"Dear, I am going to do my best to protect you. As if I'd let them slide with their habit of chasing you down!"

ruggie bucchi

Will most likely hide you as quick as possible, Ruggie can't confront bullies. While his Unique Magic help with the whole controlling them until out of sight, the aftermath is tricky.. He opted the safer and probably easier option for both of you!

So, he'd hide you and probably use Leona for a quick bargain of threatening or at least talking down on them! Not that he can't, but it might take up some time and he's trying to have more time with you! His side jobs are already a time stealer, and he won't allow some bully to take his precious time away from you.

Ruggie will comfort you lots, he'll do what he can at the moment to make sure you get treated the right way! He's determined to get payback at least.

If he caught you in the middle of the chase, he'll definitely control either of you! If he controls you, he's bound to make you run beyond the limits you knew.

If he was controlling the bully, he'd have a blast! Tripping them, slipping on a tile, constantly hit their head! It was funny and quite pitiful really. Ruggie does it for you though!

"Shishishi--! Thought that I can't do much, sunshine? Thought wrong! I am, after all, quite the thinker!"

jade leech

A death wish was written the moment the chase begun. Jade wouldn't care who started the chase, or what reason conspired, he'd fulfill that death wish. Jade won't even hesitate to call on Floyd! He's sure that his dear twin would love to be one of those who protects you, after all, Floyd is fond of you!

Not to say Jade won't fair his chances into listening to what that delinquent had to say, however, chances are slim, and he'd just get on with it. Jade wants it to end quick to comfort you immediately, he knows a chase down is horrifying to witness or be a part of.

Jade will comfort you, after dealing with the person. However, he does scold you a little bit for putting yourself in harm, and causing a fuss!

He won't punish you, no, he'd pamper you with what he can give! He'll make sure the nerves of yours calm down. Maybe he'll make some risotto, or ask you to go on a stroll! Jade will do his best to rid of your anxiety and stress.

Over all, it might not seem Jade did much, however, behind the scenes, it was clear Jade was involved in this matter.

"Fufu, my dear pearl, how about a stroll? Now, your nerves can be a bit on the edge today, but let's not fret. After all, I'm here now"

jamil viper

Jamil finds it troublesome. You somehow always try to be out of harm's way, but head straight on landing gracefully into bigger harm. It's quite cute at first, but now its concerning. Today, was no exception, as a chase between you and a delinquent won't go far.

Fret not, Jamil does save you. No harsh feelings at all! You're his significant other, of course he'll be at your beck and call. However, he may not greet you with a worried facade, he greets you with a glare and worried eyes because who knows what trouble you could've been into had you not run into him.

The bully might be tough to you, but to Jamil, they were at mercy. Punishment was bound to happen, very much like Trey, he'd make use of connections to punish them hardly. Inside their dorm, he'd politely ask Kalim to make them do the work, to which Kalim agrees to! If it was another dorm, he'd contact the dorm leader for some compensation.

They were doing his workload (definitely not all, but they were heavy nonetheless). Jamil may also use the bully as bait for stress relief, but it might burden your thoughts, so he chose not to.

Over all, Jamil does save time by dealing less with the bully and more to you. He may say you are idiotic and careless, but deep down his concern was overflowing for you. He vowed to make sure no one ever dares to make you scared.

"You need to be careful, I can't always be there, you know. Jez, at this rate, I think you're becoming like Kalim! Ugh, I'm not mad... maybe I am, but I was worried, you hear?"

rook hunt

Rook loves you dearly, he has his eye on you for most of the time, it barely leaves you! So, this incident of chasing was caught on immediately. Rook steps in the scene quite quickly, and he lets you off with reassurance, he may even involve Vil to accompany you.

It is not a fun thing, the bully had no chance to outrun your dear Rook, so it was a pitiful sight. Imagine, a cowering delinquent, all because of a spilled glass of water.

Rook never takes threats or harms to you lightly, and Rook witnessed the scare you had of being hurt, and that was a good enough of a reason to let Rook be a tad bit unhinged. No one knows how eerily scary Rook can be.

while Rook does comfort you well, he spent a lot of time sneaking around your bully. He made sure to leave an impression to that fiend, he was a vicious hunter, and that was evident with the shaking that your delinquent presents when he encounters you in halls or outdoors.

After that, Rook tends to be on your side now. Before, he'd just watch over you, but he may turn clingy all because he feels the need to protect you. He takes you on walks, hunting, and mayhaps a more city date. In shorter words, he pampers you until he feels content with the treatment!

"Mon amour! Look out for that pebble. Oh! I have the greatest news, I found this spot, trust moi! It is worth the view!"

lilis vanrouge

Lilia is like Rook, he has his eyes and ears on you. He has watched your movements, a bit out of paranoia, and a bit from a habit as a caretaker. Lilia is an amazing caretaker, so he does his best to guide you in your clumsy ways.

Of course, accidents happen, and he saw the incident of you spilling the cup on a hothead, Lilia can take the reigns from there. Chasing may ensue if he wasn't looking, yet even then, the end result is the same: trouble.

He is a prankster, he may seem the lighter punisher, but he is not. A former General is bound to be harsh, yet he knows his limits to humans, so he pranks them in a cruel way.

Lilia comforts you, he offers words, flights to the skies, music, and maybe food. he pouts when you decline, but shrugs it off as you are not hungry. He may try to bring Silver into the whole issue.

From that point on, Lilia makes sure to keep an extra eye on you, he appoints Silver for you. He believes his son can protect you, and bring a sense of familiarity and comfort from him!

"Fufu! There, there, little one. That hothead is long gone, now, how about try some of this stew I made before we take a flight? No? Oh, killjoy!"

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black-licorice-lingerie · 3 years

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A Look Into Billy Lenz’s Personality (from the book)

Okay so this is going to be my own interpretation of what we learn in the Black Christmas novelization. Specifically, I’m going to be going over the things Billy says. If you’re a huge fan of Black Christmas, or just Billy Lenz and you wish to learn more about him or the whole story, I highly suggest you go check it out right here: (https://100vampirenovels.net/pdf-novels/black-christmas-by-lee-hays-free).

That being said, let’s take a peak at Billy’s personality:

Based on what my 2 am notes describe, Billy is very much socially awkward as the story makes it clear that Billy really wants to communicate with the sorority house beyond using the telephone. Billy actually HATES using the telephone (shocker I know), but is SO shy at talking with others that he can’t help but hide away and establish a distanced method of speaking. This pretty much tells us that Billy can’t help but be afraid of interacting with other people. Billy’s social ineptitude is even shown near the part where he viciously stabs Barb to death. Upon seeing Jess and Barb talk to each other about nightmares and Peter, Billy is depicted as really longing for the kind of communication Jess and Barb are showing.

Another, but small note on Billy’s personality is that he comes across as a bit judgmental. When Barb picks up the phone and talks to her mom about life and such, she gets a bit sassy in attitude. Billy, of course listening to this, begins to judge Barb for daring to speak to her own mother that way. He’s bewildered from Barb having the courage to speak to her mother, an authority figure, in such a snappy tone. Interestingly enough, this points that Billy knows social standards (how and how not to talk to people), but can’t bring himself to properly talk with people to display his mannerism knowledge.

A BIG aspect of Billy’s personality is, without a doubt, insecurity. When Clare is packing her belongings to leave the sorority house, she suspects that Claude is in the room. She calls out to Claude, calling him names for being a silly pet. Billy, who was hiding in the fucking closet for whatever reason, hears this and actually thinks she’s talking about him. After feeling insulted, Billy lost it and murdered Clare with a plastic bag. The thoughts in his head say that he didn’t mean, or want to murder Clare, but that she “left him no choice” for “bullying” him. Clare’s death is an example of how anxious Billy is about himself, showing how he thought a casual conversation towards a cat was about him. He does NOT like being insulted to the point where he reacts violently. Billy has the urge to drastically “defend” himself when he feels insulted in any way.

Possessiveness also seems to be a personality trait of Billy. After having murdered the shit out of Clare and stashing her body up in the attic, he recognizes her father visiting the sorority house. Obviously, Clare’s father is trying to figure out what the fuck happened to her, but Billy’s annoyed at this. Billy describes Clare (at least her corpse) in a way you’d describe an item. Billy’s irritated at Clare’s father coming about and looking for her, because in Billy’s sick mind (the story in his POV), Clare belongs to him now. So not only is Billy hyper-aggressive when he feels insulted, but he has the sick urge to add insult to injury by “claiming” the body of his victims as his toy-like belongings. Clare “insulted” him, and she “paid” for it. To make himself feel better, Billy takes Clare’s body up into where he’s staying, a twisted mimicry of a child getting a toy, or obtaining a friend. That way, Clare surely won’t “mock” Billy anymore, as he now “owns” her.

However, Billy also has self awareness. The story later begins to show that Billy doesn’t like what his mind forces him to believe, and how he behaves. When Mrs. MacHenry is searching the house for Claude, Billy hopes that she doesn’t reach the attic because once she does, he won’t be able to stop himself. Billy hates this about himself.

In conclusion…Billy is clearly mentally ill. Very, very mentally ill. It’s shown that Billy is aware of how to behave towards others, and does (in fact) have a sense of right and wrong since his murderous actions come back to disgust him. However, he’s also very incapable of properly establishing communication between himself and other people. He’s also violently insecure about himself, along with being possessive towards others. He sees that what he does is awful, and even knows the ins and outs of how one should treat authority figures.

Billy’s personality is under an attack of cognitive dissonance, leading him to even more stress. Deep down inside, despite the sociopathic behaviors, Billy hates that this is an uncontrollable aspect of his brain. Billy wants to be a normal person, Billy wants to be liked, and he doesn’t want to rely on the telephone just to get issues off of his chest. However, something, or some things happened in Billy’s past if he can’t help but behave so hellacious. Billy was so abused and traumatized by events in his childhood, that despite his morality (self sufficient or taught), he can’t help but put on a fight in the name of defending himself. Whatever ridicule, beating, and verbal abuse Billy encountered has cemented into his brain, establishing a psychological illness that leaves him incapable of navigating unfavorable situations other than “attack, attack, attack”.

Billy not being able to control his horrendous actions points to an error in his mind. However, there are many mental illnesses that create a warped view of reality, and a hindered ability to control oneself. So while Billy definitely suffers from a psychological disorder, it’s impossible to get an idea of what exactly he may have...until we use his phone calls to analyze his history and how his mind interprets it, but we’ll have to save that for later in the day.

Anyways, this was my particular analysis of (1974) Billy Lenz’s personality! I wish you all a good ass week, at least better than how I’m reacting to my online class assignments. Remember, stay a simp for slashers.

#billy lenz #black christmas (1974)#character analysis #personality #personal interpretation #slasher #slashers #mental illness #horror #attic man #nasty billy #headcanon #novelization

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queergodot · 2 years

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Finished the Engarde case for the first time, and I REALLY loved it, it's probably my favourite case so far, but I did have two pretty big issues with it and because I'm an insufferable nerd I will now proceed to complain about them.

1. The treatment of suicide and mental health issues was less than stellar. I accept using suicide as a plotpoint, though I do think that it can get quite tasteless quite quickly, but the way it was handled in this case wasn't just tasteless, but potentially harmful. I'm mainly referring to Edgeworth using a suicide attempt/mental health issues as blackmail to get a witness to talk on the stand. That, in and of itself, would've been fine if it had been framed as a bad thing to do, but it wasn't. Throughout the Engarde case, Edgeworth was consistently framed as having gotten his life together, and having become a better person. In addition, Adrien states later that Edgeworth forcing her to talk in this way lead to her finally feeling okay with herself, once she was alone in the detention center. I get that they did this to create parallels between her and Edgeworth/Franziska, but it shows a fundamental lack of knowledge of mental health issues and suicide. Suicidal ideation and mental health issues will not improve by having some guy throw them in your face and then being arrested and left alone in a cell. In fact, this is not unlikely to trigger a new suicide attempt. This portrayal of suicide is potentially harmful, as it promotes false ideas on how to heal from suicidal ideation and mental health issues, and it's possible for people to get the wrong idea on how to treat themselves/their loved ones who are in similar situations. Adrien's ""illness"" sounds a lot like Dependent Personality Disorder, and I may not know a lot about DPD, but this is extremely not the way to treat that. Of course, Ace Attorney is not a PSA about mental health, but I believe all media has a responsibility to be careful in portraying sensitive subjects like this.

2. I really don't think trying to get Phoenix to learn about the 'true' duty of a defense attorney like. Worked for this case? First of all, I really don't think Phoenix was ever particularly likely to blindly try to get his clients off. He has always followed the evidence, but trusted his clients not to lie to him about their innocence. Which has been repeatedly stated to be the 'correct' approach; a lack of trust in his client was why Robert Hammond was such a bad defense attorney; Mia, who is in no small part treated as the series' moral compass, repeatedly insists on the need to trust your clients; and trust in others and the value of it has been a repeated and obvious motif in the series thusfar that even played a significant role in this same case. And trusting a client and believing them to be innocent was not the issue in this case; the issue was that Maya was held hostage?? Like even though Phoenix did believe Engarde to be innocent at first, it was not unsubstantiated, and even if he HAD thought he was guilty, he would've still been forced to defend him.

Like idk I don't understand why they insisted Phoenix had to learn what it meant to be a defsense attorney and that you have to follow the truth even if it means getting your client proclaimed guilty when that had never been an issue before? Phoenix has never shown to be willing to get guilty people off for crimes they definitely did do. Even in this case, once he found out Engarde was guilty, he DESPERATELY wanted to get him declared guilty. The only reason why he didn't was because Maya was being held hostage.

It's not that I think a storyline like this couldn't have been done; in fact, I think it would be quite interesting. But if we presume Phoenix has an issue that could cause him to misunderstand what being a defense attorney means and get his clients off no matter what, it should be addressed in a plotline where this becomes a problem due to Phoenix's own flaws. Because in this plotline, it simply makes no sense to accuse Phoenix of trying to get his clients off no matter what when he a) is literally not doing that and b) is only even so much as thinking about doing that because a loved one is being held hostage. Like!! That's an extenuating circumstance that was in no way his fault!! No fair court of law would hold him accountable for that!!!

Again, I DO think this (the idea that Phoenix will get his clients off no matter what) is an interesting flaw for Phoenix, but in this case, that behaviour was caused by wanting to save Maya's life, which is an external circumstance, not a personal flaw. He cannot learn to work on not getting his loved ones held hostage. I mean??? This is like if Edgeworth had only become the Demon Prosecutor because Von Karma kidnapped his dad and kept him in the basement and forced Edgeworth to by threatening his father, and Edgeworth's unethical behaviour was still framed like it was him not understanding what a prosecutor does and needing to grow as a person. It's ridiculous.

If Phoenix has any issues that could lead to unethical behaviour in the courtroom, it's a) his stubborn trust in people, and b) his savior complex. And since the first is, in fact, a good thing, adressing the second would probably be better. And it did come up in this trial, and was challenged, but it was not the reason he tried to get Engarde off unjustly, not really. Sure, he reacted unhealthily to Maya being held hostage, at first refusing Edgeworth's help because he believed he needed to save Maya himself, but he gave in rather quickly, and it wasn't the reason he fought Edgeworth on the guilty verdict in court. That was because he needed to stall for time and had been explicitly asked to do so by the rescue team. If anything, his savior complex lead him to do the right thing, since he just couldn't get himself to condemn Adrien while she was begging for help.

For the record, I do think Phoenix's savior complex is a character flaw, and even though I think his stubborn trust is ultimately a virtue, I do think it can cause problems (which, from what I've heard, the series does address later). I also don't think Phoenix acted flawlessly during this trial; his grudge for and lack of trust in Edgeworth jeaporized the situation further, and if he'd sought help earlier rather than trying to solve the situation himself, it may not have escalated as much as it did. But none of those things have anything to do with thoughtlessly trying to get Engarde off. They have to do with Phoenix's reaction to Edgeworth's 'death' and Maya's kidnapping.

Because ultimately, the conflict in this case wasn't 'What does it mean to be a defense attorney when your client is guilty?', but rather 'Does the duty an attorney has to truth and justice outweigh the life of a loved one?' But that first dilemma has a simple, clear-cut right answer: you should not try to get the guilty off for murder. But the second doesn't have one; answering it is highly dependent on your personal belief system and sense of morality. And Ace Attorney didn't seem to want to give one, either because it was afraid of stepping on toes, or because it wanted the player to come to their own conclusions. This is why it was your choice to decide whether Phoenix would say his client was guilty or not guilty, and Phoenix himself gave no canon answer.

And this is REALLY compelling but it also has fuck all to do with 'Phoenix gets his clients off no matter what' and it's weird to me they tried to pretend otherwise.

#My posrs #Infodumping #Ace attorney #Phoenix wright #Aa2 #Liveblog #Suicide //

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sk1fanfiction · 3 years

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the many faces of tom riddle, part 2

-you dislike frank dillane’s portrayal of tom riddle only because you don’t think he’s attractive-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION (and this time, featuring a bit of armchair child psych from a student).

Wait, don’t clutch your pearls just yet. Compose yourself.

I am about to explain why it’s not actually that bad, and Dillane’s portrayal is vastly underappreciated.

I definitely agree that his portrayal comes off as ‘creepier’. It’s not helped by the stylistic decisions in the scene -- the smeary, green filter gives the scene a sinister quality.

Even Slughorn looks suspect here, which is somewhat appropriate, given that he is complicit in this crime.

Again, this scene is very much intended to be slightly off.

You’ll notice (and I’ll discuss this again when I talk about Coulson’s portrayal) that Dillane is almost always shot from at least slightly below, which makes the lower third of his face look bigger (and thus more menacing). The lighting also makes his eyes glow in a really unnatural way. There’s an echo-y effect to make his voice (and not Slughorn’s) sound unnerving.

People talk about how Coulson would have looked in this scene, and if he was filmed in the same way (monotone, smeary/shadowy filter, and always from below), he’d look a bit creepy, too.

But all of this, imo, is for a pretty good reason. Slughorn isn’t the POV character. Harry is. Harry is learning about how a young Lord Voldemort wheedled the secret of Horcruxes out of an unsuspecting teacher. Unlike in COS, he expects Riddle to be evil. And, so, Harry’s new perception of Tom Riddle literally colors how we perceive him.

Take this shot, for example: he does that head-tilt thing that Coulson does, and it’s actually... kind of... cute???

Imagine Dillane filmed from slightly above, like Coulson usually is, and it looks even more innocent. (I mean, come on, he does not look like he’s killed four people, does he?) It’s not hard to imagine teachers being taken in by this kind of act.

Even that little smirk he does when the camera (aka, Harry’s gaze) pans in, is for Harry’s benefit. No one else noticed that.

However, I still fail to find this creepy, like, at all. Yes, it’s a fake smile, but he’s portraying a different side of Tom Riddle to Coulson. Whereas, in COS, he’s in his vindictive, murderous element, where he’s free to express himself, in this scene, Tom Riddle is doing what he does best -- manipulating and managing appearances.

This entire scene is an act. And because Harry knows it’s an act, it should look a bit stilted.

From the Hepzibah Smith scene in the books: Voldemort smiled mechanically and Hepzibah simpered.

So, Harry is pretty adept at parsing Tom’s fake expressions.

But just look at the expressiveness in his face: he goes from brooding, he blinks, and his entire face changes to this charming (fake) smile.

At the risk of sounding elitist, I’m a bit tired of seeing the word ‘psychopath’, which is not an actual medical diagnosis recognised by any psychological or psychiatric institution, being tossed about, especially with reference to Tom Riddle (and from a neuroscience perspective, it’s doubly annoying). There’s no such thing as ‘insanity’ or ‘psychopathy’ or being ‘crazy.’

-although I use it too a shorthand in conversation to distinguish ‘canon’ Tom from his ‘softer’ OOC counterparts, I really shouldn’t-

Unfortunately, I’ve seen the ‘psychopath’ comment used time-and-time again as an excuse or a full explanation of ‘why Tom Riddle went evil’ (JKR in fact, has made a weird comment in an interview, basically saying that ‘psychopaths can’t be redeemed or learn adaptive coping skills’ or whatever), which really just goes to show the lack of understanding and compassion when personality disorders, especially, are concerned.

But what I like most about the opening of this scene, actually, is that first, listless expression. And this is where we get slightly into headcanon, but Tom Riddle is the opposite of a happy, mentally healthy teenager. By Dumbledore’s own admission, he has no real friends. He has no parental figures, no real attachments. Yes, he might derive some pride or enjoyment from being good at magic and top of his class and all that, but I really don’t think even Tom finds that truly fulfilling. There is nothing that makes him happy.

In fact, although some might perceive it as ‘creepy’, I think that listless expression is an accurate window into Tom’s psyche.

I know people aren’t big on Freud, but I think that he does make some interesting points (also, cut the guy some slack for being relatively open-minded for the Victorian Era, and inventing psychoanalysis and while yes he did say some sexist stuff, good luck finding a field of science that isn’t male-focused and makes crazy generalizations about women, especially back in the day) about the possible origins of thanatophobia, the fear of death.

According to Freud, thanatophobia is a disguise for a deeper source of concern -- he did not believe that people were capable of conceptualizing their own death to that extent. Instead, he believed that this phobia was caused by unresolved childhood conflicts that the sufferer cannot come to terms with or express emotion towards.

Now, I know Freud almost always attributes mental distress to childhood experiences, but I think in this case, it really has some merit.

According to attachment theory, the basis of how we form attachments in adulthood is dictated by learning it from experiences with caregivers in the first two years of life. We know Tom was born in an orphanage, and that he didn’t cry much as a baby, and subsequently, probably received very little attention. Compounded with possible genetic factors and his caregivers being afraid or wary of his magical abilities, he later struggled to form attachments because of this -- I would actually go so far as to say that by the time Dumbledore meets him, Tom Riddle is severely depressed.

And that flat affect and anhedonia, I think, comes over very well in Dillane’s portrayal. There’s kind of this resignation -- a very deep sadness and loneliness to his character.

Of course, he doesn’t derive any comfort or fulfillment from human interaction, because (to borrow the description from the Wikipedia article on ‘Reactive attachment disorder’, which Tom meets all the criteria for) he has a “grossly disturbed internal working model of relationships.” In other words, he is unresponsive to all offers of attachment because of this unacknowledged trauma.

(You could arguably class Tom as having an avoidant attachment style, but I think in his case the trauma and its effect on him are severe enough to call it disordered.)

RAD isn’t particularly well-characterized (especially neurologically) and quite new in the literature, but here are some links if anyone is interested in doing a bit of digging: Link 1 | Link 2 | Paper 1 | Paper 2

And, instead of trying to resolve this conflict in a healthy way, or at least recognize that this is why he can’t be happy and try to learn how to cope from there, he (a) represses the desire for human attachment and (b) funnels that negative emotion into being the fault of Death, the Grim Reaper (again, to borrow Freudian terms).

And we all know how that turned out...

(And now, this should go without saying, but psychoanalyzing fictional characters has nothing to do with assigning a morality to mental disorders. Mental illness is neither a cause nor an excuse for criminal behavior -- in the same way that the cycle of violence is a phenomenon, not an excuse. Tom Riddle did not become a genocidal murderer because, in common parlance, he was a ‘psychopath’ -- he was not necessarily ‘predisposed’ to evil and could just as easily chosen to not follow the path that he did -- instead, he willingly made poor choices. This is a descriptive analysis, not a justification -- a ‘how’, not a ‘why’)

Here’s a Carl Jung quote that articulates it better:

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

Yes, he’s a bit stiff (and a lot more formal than in COS during his *conversation* with Harry). But, and here comes the controversial bit, this is appropriate for a portrayal of a schoolboy in the 1940s. The upright posture is accurate -- respectful, polite -- everything Tom Riddle would have been expected to be (and even Coulson, in that scene with Dumbledore in COS, is quite stiff). Even the way he looks at Slughorn and maintains eye contact is very *respectful.*

And, Dillane (I think he’s seventeen or eighteen here) actually looks like a believable sixteen-year-old. I’m sorry, I love Coulson’s portrayal as well, but he looks around nineteen in COS; so in HBP, he probably would have looked at least twenty-two or so. (Sorry, not sorry).

This may be influenced by my own interpretation of the character (because I imagine Tom always looks young for his age, and Dillane fits that archetype, but I don’t think that’s very popular), but I think young Tom Riddle is supposed to be *cute* and a bit stiff/shy/awkward (being charming and awkward is very much possible), if you consider the way Dippet and Slughorn treat him.

To support this, he says very few words to Hepzibah Smith (in the book, that scene’s not in the movie), and is very... bashful and coy during the whole interaction? I think yes, he’s charismatic, but he’s not loud, suave, openly flirtatious or particularly verbose. Tom Riddle should have a quiet magnetism, and to me, that came across in Dillane’s portrayal.

"I'd be glad to see anything Miss Hepzibah shows me," said Voldemort quietly, and Hepzibah gave another girlish giggle.

...

"Are you all right, dear?"

"Oh yes," said Voldemort quietly. "Yes, I'm very well. ..."

Even the ‘ugly, greedy look’ described in the books, when Slughorn starts spilling his secrets, is there. This is how he’s supposed to look! Slughorn glimpses it, but doesn’t understand its significance. Harry does.

“Slughorn looked deeply troubled now: He was gazing at Riddle as though he had never seen him plainly before, and Harry could tell that he was regretting entering into the conversation at all.”

Remember the context of this moment, as well: He’s just discovered how to create multiple Horcruxes. Excuse him for looking a bit creepy (if not now, then when?).

Here’s two direct quotes of Harry’s impression of Tom Riddle in that scene:

“But Riddle's hunger was now apparent; his expression was greedy, he could no longer hide his longing.”

“Harry had glimpsed his face, which was full of that same wild happiness it had worn when he had first found out that he was a wizard, the sort of happiness that did not enhance his handsome features, but made them, somehow, less human. . . .”

Tom Riddle’s Horcruxes are a direct metaphor for his refusal to allow himself to heal from his trauma -- instead, he continues to inflict destruction on himself and others.

His desire to continue creating more Horcruxes sort of resounds with the fact that self-harm can also become a compulsion.

I’d also like to digress a bit to discuss the Gaunt Ring, while we’re at it. While we’ve talked about his attachment issues in general, this discussion is particularly pertinent to father figures. And while Tom’s attachment issues are extensive, I think there’s ample evidence that as a child, he craved acknowledgement and acceptance from a father figure -- the man who gave him the only thing Tom truly owned -- his name. He would have had a vaguely defined mother figure in Mrs. Cole, perhaps.

"You see that house upon the hillside, Potter? My father lived there. My mother, a witch who lived here in this village, fell in love with him. But he abandoned her when she told him what she was.... He didn’t like magic, my father ... He left her and returned to his Muggle parents before I was even born, Potter, and she died giving birth to me, leaving me to be raised in a Muggle orphanage ... but I vowed to find him ... I revenged myself upon him, that fool who gave me his name ... Tom Riddle. ..."

We know that by June of 1943 (COS flashback) Tom has already uncovered the truth of his parentage; he knows he is the Heir of Slytherin via the Gaunt line, and he describes himself to Dippet as ‘Half-blood, sir. Witch mother, Muggle father.’

In Part 1, I discussed the high probability that as a presumed ‘Mudblood’, Tom Riddle was treated rather poorly in Slytherin House. But by this scene in the fall of 1943, he is surrounded by a group of adoring hangers-on. Why?

In my opinion; the Gaunt Ring. We know that Tom stopped wearing it after school, so its sentimental value couldn’t have been that great. We know he likes to collect objects (which I believe stems from his attachment issues -- he seeks comfort in things instead of other people).

Signet rings (such as the one belonging to Tutankhamun seen above) were used to stamp legal documents and such, in order to certify someone’s identify -- like an e-certificate, if you will. Like Tutankhamun’s ring, the Gaunt Ring bears an identifying symbol -- Marvolo Gaunt tells us proudly that it bears the Peverell family crest.

By the Middle Ages, anyone of influence, including the nobility, wore a signet ring. Rings in antiquity were auspicious -- they signified power, legitimacy, and authority. And so, I believe that all the Sacred Twenty-Eight families would have worn these, too.

And so, bearing the Gaunt Ring would have established Tom Riddle, symbolically and in the eyes of the Sacred Twenty-Eight (his future supporters and followers), as the legitimate heir to the House of Gaunt. This is why, I believe, Tom coveted the ring as soon as he saw it -- not just because it was a family heirloom, and not just because he thought it was a pretty toy for his collection.

(He curses it so that no one else but him can wear the Gaunt Ring safely.)

This is why, to make the legitimization literal as well as symbolic, Tom murders his father and grandparents. It’s not just an act of vindictive, murderous rage due to his perception of being rejected by his father (although it is that, too). And so, Tom, abandoning his search for a father figure (and possibly also giving up on the possibility to allow himself to heal from his own personal trauma rather than continue to inflict it on others), ‘cleanses’ his bloodline, to make himself truly legitimate. It’s rather telling that instead of affirming his legitimacy as a Riddle, which would have put him in line for a nice inheritance, and hey -- money is money -- (thus accepting his half-blood status), he simply kills them all. He has done all the murdering he needs to become immortal (and he hasn’t had the discussion about multiple Horcruxes yet); but yet, he does it again. Frightening stuff.

(Just look how the others look at Tom. All but the one to his left -- possibly Nott, Rosier, or Mulciber -- have their torsos turned towards him. Their attention is on him, while he knowingly regards the viewer/Harry. Tom seems a little uncomfortable with the attention.).

“And there were the half-dozen teenage boys sitting around Slughorn with Tom Riddle in the midst of them, Marvolo's gold-and-black ring gleaming on his finger.”

...

“Riddle smiled; the other boys laughed and cast him admiring looks.”

...

“Tom Riddle merely smiled as the others laughed again. Harry noticed that he was by no means the eldest of the group of boys, but that they all seemed to look to him as their leader.”

The ‘gang’ are true hangers-on; Tom doesn’t seem to pay them much attention.

So, if not via careful flattery or charisma, the attraction must be status.

And perhaps yet more telling...

"I don't know that politics would suit me, sir," he said when the laughter had died away. "I don't have the right kind of background, for one thing." “A couple of the boys around him smirked at each other. Harry was sure they were enjoying a private joke, undoubtedly about what they knew, or suspected, regarding their gang leader's famous ancestor.”

That, in my opinion, is as good as we’re going to get as proof that Tom’s shiny new signet ring (and by extension, his new status) made a big impression on his fellow students.

So, when he returns to Hogwarts, he is ‘pureblood’. He is cleansed of his Muggle roots, and becomes the legitimate heir of the House of Gaunt, now well on his way to becoming Lord Voldemort...

Watch the scene again, with a critical eye, and imagine Slughorn’s perspective, instead of Harry’s. There’s nothing creepy about Tom Riddle... unless you know what he is...

Strip away all the effects of Harry’s gaze (and notice, here he’s still looking at Harry), and he’s quite the charmer, actually.

(I will concede that I don’t like the promotional images where they have him looking like he’s up to no good. And I do wish he blinked once in a while.)

My challenge to you: Rewatch the scene with an open mind, and let me know if you agree that Dillane’s portrayal comes off as depressive rather than ‘creepy.’ And if not, why do you dislike his portrayal?

#tom riddle #character analysis #character study #the many faces of #tom marvolo riddle #frank dillane #i literally could not find any pictures other than these #literal crumbs i swear #i know this is unpopular #people really dislike him i guess #watch the scene again with an open mind i promise you'll like it #i seriously do think he did a good job #tw: mention of child abuse #tw: mention of self-harm #i'm not trying to oversimplify things but you can't deny that maybe if tom was hugged as a child it would have helped #say it with me: psychopathy is not an actual medical diagnosis #it's actual more of a legal/criminal justice term #and people just use it as a synonym for 'evil' at this point so the original meaning is pretty much obscured #and personality disorders should not be moralized #people with personality disorders are not 'evil'

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tempestsreach-blog · 3 years

Text

Fuck Diet Culture

This is going to be long. It’s going to be rambly. It’s going to be sad. It’s going to be angry. There’s going to be language some people don’t like. I can’t NOT talk about it though.

Fuck diet culture. Let me say that again. Fuck. Diet. Culture. It has taken such a huge chunk out of my life. I have lost pieces of myself I’m not sure I’ll ever get back. The only way to heal is to go through. I can’t go back. I have to move forward. But I can’t do it quietly. I can’t hide. I can’t live in the same shame I’ve spent the last 40 years in. Literally. 40 years of my life wasted to this. I can’t bear to live the back half of my life in the same way. What the hell is the point? I’m not going to write this in any particular order because all of the thoughts and feelings swimming around are snapshots of things in my life that diet culture has broken in me or stolen from me. A lot of you aren’t going to agree with me. That’s okay. Truly. This is about ME. This is to help ME heal. You can talk to me about your struggles, your diets, your ups and downs, your successes and whatnot. I am here for you in all of it. But I won’t diet with you anymore. Never again.

Currently I am having severe knee pain. One knee is worse than the other, but both are bad. I should go to the doctor. I should have gone to the doctor years ago for it. Want to know why I didn’t? My weight. I have injuries from overuse and over exercise and I am terrified that I am going to go to the doctor and the first words they’re going to say are “Well, if you lost 20, 30, 40, 50 pounds, it probably wouldn’t hurt so much.” instead of listening to me, examining me, scanning my knees and HELPING me. I don’t feel this way irrationally. This shit happens. I am in pain. I don’t know how to get help without being told to go on another diet that will not work.

Because diets don’t work. Not long term. I am excellent at losing weight! I’ve done it over and over and over. Then I stop restricting, counting, starving, and pushing myself. Then my body says “What the fuck were you doing?” and puts it back. I lost the ability years ago to know whether I’m actually hungry or not. I eat too fast when I do eat because if I snarf it down super fast I can get it in before my brain says “You’ve had too much. Did you count those calories? How many miles on a treadmill will you do to make up for that? Did you actually earn this meal?”

Every time. Every meal. Every morsel.

I have never been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder. Only been told by therapists and psychiatrists that I definitely engage in disordered eating.

No shit.

Every diet under the sun. Cabbage soup. Phen Fen. Weight watchers (MULTIPLE TIMES), TOPS, Noom, My Fitness Pal calorie counting, intermittent fasting, and every whacky bullshit thing in between promising results. I’ve purchased fancy scales. I’ve even tried one that wouldn’t show you your weight, but the color of your progress in the app. Here’s a hint… if you gain, your color is black like death. I’ve failed a million times and I’ve blamed myself. I am the failure. So I hate my body a little more every day and I stress about how I’m going to NOT pass my disordered eating and my food issues onto my kids. My stress levels are through the roof and 98% of it is diet culture related. What the fuck is that about? Every time I start a program I hit it hard. Last time I tried anything involving tracking or counting I was so starving by the time I got home from work that I almost ripped a child’s head off (not literally OBVIOUSLY) but I screamed at her at the top of my lungs because she hurt my feelings. It wasn’t until after finally allowing myself to eat another morsel of food that I realized I was hangry.

Why is living in a larger body not acceptable? We all talk about diversity and equality as though we believe it with our whole hearts, but that doesn’t cross over to fat. Or skinny if we’re really being honest. How many times have you heard or seen online “Oh my god, she’s so skinny. Feed her a damn cheeseburger! She looks anorexic.” I know I have. I know I’ve said those words. I will punch myself in the gut if I ever say them again.

Every body is different. We are supposed to be. Let’s not BLAME genetics like it’s a bad thing. Let’s realize that it’s what nature has intended. My father is over 6 feet tall and a large man. He’s just a big man. He went on Nutri System when I was young, lost a ton of weight, and put a bunch back on over the years because he is a big man. My mother was not tall, but was always large. I hated her body because HER PARENTS told her all the time she was fat and unworthy and cautioned me not to grow up to be like her in any way. Even when she was poor and homeless she was still large. That was the way her body was. I wonder how different her life might have been if the size of her body hadn’t been a factor in the way she was raised or treated. How might that have made my life different?

I know a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes at me right now about being vocal about another health plan or saying to yourself “just because you have trouble with diets doesn’t mean they don’t work” I know there are people close to me thinking “She just always gets excited when she discovers a new diet, that’s probably what this is.” NO.

This is me finally realizing that I can heal and healing doesn’t mean I need to weigh 157 pounds. (That’s the weight limit for women my height to enter the air force when I did in 1992) This is me finally realizing that I’ve been lying about the weight on my drivers license for 30 years because gods forbid anyone saw my real weight on that document. This is me realizing that I’ve spent my life trying to live up to other people’s ideals of what I should look like because I assumed they wouldn’t like me otherwise. This is me realizing how much unintentional harm I could have been doing when sharing another diet, another idea, another bout of “well this is working really well for me!” with people I care about. This is me realizing how much damage I’ve been doing to myself living with this level of shame for 40 years. Hiding what I’m doing. Suffering in silence. Hiding food. Restricting. Binging. Over exercising to compensate. Spending money on one last diet. Spending emotional energy on one last hope. We were in Las Vegas for what was supposed to be a fun vacation last week and I was so hot and miserable and so steeped in hating my body because my painful knees were betraying me that my internal monologue was a never ending loop of “I’ll hit weight watchers REALLY HARD when we get home and get rid of this weight, then I’ll figure out my knees and work on maintenance” Let me say that again, clearly. I struggled to enjoy my vacation because I was obsessing about restricting food AFTER my vacation. One last time. One last meal.

BULLSHIT.

We walked by shops with weird and pretty fashion dresses. (I freely admit I don’t understand fashion) the husband and I would both point out ones we thought were pretty. My brain would get stuck on “Yeah, but they don’t make them in my size” or “Yeah, that would NOT look good on me. It looks fine on that size 0 mannequin” Pretty on other people. Other people are pretty. Not me. Diet culture is pervasive and all consuming. In big ways and little ways. I’m 5 ft 9. I’m not a tiny person at any weight. I’ve always been told I’m too big. Even when I sit, I slouch a little and/or tuck my legs and feet up under me to try to make myself appear smaller and less invasive. This is subconscious. I don’t always realize I’m doing it until my knees remind me. Most of my life has been things that get in the way of my diets. “I should start the diet today, but it’ll have to wait until next week because so and so’s birthday is this week and I want to be able to enjoy that.” or “It’s late fall, I should just start now but first there’s my birthday, and then Thanksgiving, and December happens and there’s all kinds of treats then. Better wait until January, but not the first because that’s new year’s...maybe the following Monday.” or the ever popular “I already had a bad eating day today, I’m a failure. Why bother? Fuck it. I’ll try again tomorrow.” That one was always followed by binging because of the last supper mentality. If I’m starting a diet tomorrow I better eat EVERYTHING NOW. This is how I’ve lived my whole life. The time not spent dieting was just the time in between diets where I was planning my next diet. So much life wasted. The only time I was not actively dieting or planning the next diet or suffering from “I’m just too exhausting to put effort into food right now” was during my 4 pregnancies. I let myself eat whatever and whenever because I was nauseous all the time anyway and something in my brain made me fuel my body for the babies. When the youngest was born and the on call doctor who delivered her told me I was too fat to have my tubes tied I definitely started planning diets again in that moment. I believe now, years later, that my diet and diet culture ruined mind and body is part of what kept me from being as successful at nursing the kids as I wished I had been. I assumed my body was broken and not good enough for my babies. The last time I lost a LOT of weight it was because I didn’t want to ruin someone’s wedding pictures. True story. This was nothing that person felt or anything they told me. IT’s what my brain said to me. It’s how I de-valued myself. There are very few current pictures of me now because I’ve been stuck in a place where I feel shame when I see them. When I’m dead, memories and pictures are all my kids and grandkids will have, and I hate myself too much to let anyone take them. That’s not okay.

I dream about food. I daydream about food. Food I “shouldn’t” eat. Food I “should” eat. When to eat. When not to eat. Every spare ounce of energy is spent thinking about food or hating myself which leads to more thinking about food. I am not in a place where I can prepare dinner for my family right now because it’s too hard to put that much energy into food. I force myself to pick the recipes from the app and get the shopping done via instacart so all anyone else has to do is pull up the recipe and make the food. If I’m looking at the ingredients or trying to prep anything I stare at every individual thing debating whether or not I “should” eat it. This is going to take me a long time to break free from. Today I finally feel like I CAN break free. There is nothing wrong with being in a large body or a small body. Food is not good or bad. Food is food. I have to say these things. I have to repeat them to myself or I fall down the rabbit hole again. None of this is work anyone can do for me. I have to live it. I have to work through it. I have to figure it out. If you read this far, my statement stands. If you’re on a diet, I will listen to your woes and hold your hand and I will not judge you for it. This was very hard to write because I am certain some of you who believe in diets, ways of life, and wellness eating may block me now because I spoke my mind. I’ve clung so tight to the people I love and refrained from being honest and speaking my mind for fear of abandonment. I’ll have to live with it if that’s the case here, because people sometimes need to do what’s best for them. Airing this out is one of those things for me. It’s a scary thing for sure. I also want to say that I’m happy for this to lead to discussion. I’m not going to shut anyone down for wanting to talk to me about this. I am always open to learn new information and see different perspectives. Just know that if I’m emotional and feeling a lot of strong things about how my life has been up to this point, and I am entitled to believe what I believe just as you all are. I’m happy to share sources and books I’ve been reading on the subject. They are not diet books.

Here’s to doing better from here on out.

Here’s to finally being free.

#intuitive eating #anti diet #mental health #fuck diet culture

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