#comic.rambles

[introspectivememories]

i hate it when people make the joke like "oh steve rogers is a right-wing conservative" like shut up shut up Shut Up!!! just say you know nothing about steve rogers and go! steve is actively cussing out his landlord for putting the rent too high. steve is beating the shit out of neo-nazis. the first time steve is talking about the 40s at like colombia or whatever and some dude asks "what do you think would've happend if hitler won?" he's halfway over the table, about to beat the shit out that man, before he realizes that civilians are off-limits. tucker carlson hates him! steve rogers is at every anti-war protrest he can find. the first press confrence the avengers do, steve leans into the mike unprompted and says "unionize. they wouldn't hate it so much if it didn't work." then two seconds later leans in again and says "also, i dont agree with what we're doing in the middle east. stop using my image as propaganda. i will sue." stevie, babyboy, get behind me.

#none of you get him like i do #that man is a full on leftist and to portray him as anything else is a diservice to his character #his side of the room back in the 40s was plastered with pages from the catholic worker #he cried the first time he met dorothy day #pepper tries to do damage control but steve just looks her in the eye and says 'im not apologizing' #also he does sue #steve rogers #comic.rambles

[introspectivememories]

steve sometimes feels like his body is not his own.

like sometimes he looks down at his hands and thinks 'that's not right, they should be smaller ' with such absolutely certainty that it hurts like an ache when he realizes that his hands will never be that small again. he still buys the wrong size shirts more often than not, even after getting defrosted.

and it's not like he misses his old body — not dying every 3 weeks from an illness is so amazing. who knew breathing could feel so good? — but for all intents and purposes, it was still his body. the body he grew up with. with it's skin that bruised too easily and his wrists that looked like they would break if someone touched them a little too hard. it was that body that fought off rheumatic fever, that got through hundreds of asthma attacks, that held itself up through fights with half of brooklyn. it was his old body that got it's Last Rites 4 times. it was his old body he learned how to walk and run and live in. that made it to 21 despite all the doctors telling ma he'd be lucky to make it to 12. 

it was with his old hands he patched up becca and ruth. it was his old arms that sweet baby ‘liza loved being held in, much to the amusement of aunt winnie. it was with his old arms that he gestured wildly with when talking politics with uncle george. it was his old body that still held the impressions of ma hugging him.

it was his knobby knees and weak lungs that ran after bucky through brooklyn. it was his old body he learned how to love and hate. learned how to lift up even when the eugenicists slipped flyers under their door. it was with his old knuckles he learned how to make a punch count. it was with his old voice that he learned how to speak up, learned to make his voice heard.

these days people hear him without speaking. these days he doesn’t have to punch anyone, he can just loom and glare. they’ll run off easy enough. everything comes easy to this body. this body’s never had to work a day in it’s life. never felt the deliriousness of having a fever so high, you start seeing your da again. never felt the desperation of needing to breathe — never felt the relief, the joy, the elation, the rush of making it through another life-threatening illness.

god, all of this is so fucking stupid. who complains about not having to worry about making through the winter? who fucking complains when their body gets “fixed”? 

(steve carefully tries not to think about the word ‘fixed’. like there was something about him that needed to be remade. he is their personal frankenstein’s monster. taken apart and sewn back together, again and again and again, whenever the war effort needs more fuel. how long has it been since he was just stevie? just bucky’s babydoll? just ma’s stíofán? he’s so tired. he is captain america.)

but there’s no going back now. there’s no injection to undo the serum. he’s just gonna have to live with the fact that his shoulders will always feel too broad. there is nothing to change the fact that he had to relearn how to use a pencil again. that he’ll never tuck neatly under bucky’s chin again. that his stomach will never concave again. that his feet are three sizes up from what they used to be. he just gonna have to live with the sensation of his body being Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. 

(he feels a lot like that boy zia rosa in the downstairs apartment used to read to him about. the one they made a picture on — pinocchio. “look ma, bucky! i’m a real boy now!” except, he was real before wasn’t he? he was someone before serum. he’s a Someone now. he’ll never be himself again.)

when his plane crashes into the ice, steve knows that this is the end. that nobody will remember steven grant rogers. nobody will know bucky’s stevie — all 94 pounds of righteousness and trouble. nobody will remember ma’s stíofán — compassionate and sweet, forever trying to do the right thing. nobody will know about becca’s second big brother, ruth’s knight in shining armor, ‘liza’s favorite sleeping spot. when his plane crashes, that 5′4′’, 100-pounds-soaking-wet, kid from the slums of brooklyn will be forgotten. what a shame he thinks that kid was better than 10 captain america’s put together. 

(he sobs quietly in a darkened corner of the smithsonian when he realized he’ll never be steven grant rogers again. 70 years later and his body is still Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.) 

it would've been nice he thinks to be small without the illnesses. steve doesn’t look in mirrors anymore. 

(the day he realized he couldn't tuck himself into the crook of bucky's neck like he used to without contorting his body, he has to excuse himself into woods. he spends the next 30 minutes, hidden behind the widest tree he can find (his shoulders still stuck out slightly), trying desperately to ignore the ache in his chest. trying his best to ignore the absolute sense of certainty that he’s in the wrong body. 

bucky finds him out there 20 minutes later, staring blankly into the distance. carefully, bucky leads him back to their tent, lays him down gently, and goes about making him Better. bucky always made things better. but then bucky’s gone, brain splattered across the swiss alps and steve is horrifyingly numb. what was the point of a brand new body, of being made into a Real Boy, if he couldn’t save the only person who saw him? if he couldn’t save the one he loved (loves.)?

it had always been him and bucky and if bucky’s not here, well- then steve’s not gonna be here either. 3 days later, his plane’s crashing into the artic and his eyes are slipping shut and it’s bliss. for a moment, at least.)

#god christ what is this #anyway this all came out of the fact that i hate it when people talk like the serum 'fixed' his body #and like don't get me wrong having an actual immune system is probably the best thing that ever came to steve but whenever people talk abou #'fixing' in relation to disabled bodies it always sounds too much like eugenics me. 'those people would be fine if they were fixed.' #/ 'they're not right.' it sounds terrible! and i hate it #so here's like x amt of words about steve struggling with his body #steven grant rogers #steve rogers #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes #stevebucky #i wil tag some tw and then if i miss anything yall can just tell me? #tw eugenics #tw body dysmorphia #tw implied suicide attempt #otp: till the end of the line #my writings 📖 #comic.rambles #captain america #irish captain america #is this body dysmorphia?

[introspectivememories]

#WHERE IS MY SON???? #i mean this so nicely #but i could not care less about ned leeds #like yeah they're very cute and whatever #but where is my rich son with daddy issues so big you could see it from space???? #please you could even go the childhood friends route like in tasm #harry osborn #mcu #comic.rambles

[introspectivememories]

ʟᴏᴠɪɴɢ ᴄᴀ:ᴛᴡs ᴍᴏᴏᴅʙᴏᴀʀᴅ

ʙᴏɴᴜs: ʙᴜᴄᴋʏ ʙᴀʀɴᴇs ᴍʏ ʙᴇʟᴏᴠᴇᴅ

#im actually obsessed with this movie #it's so good!! #and the rewatchabilty is so high #every time stevie goes '...bucky?' #i gasp #why am i gasping i already knew that #'but i knew him' my gut-wrenchingly beloved #bucky barnes #steve rogers #sam wilson #natasha romanoff #captain america: the winter soldier #ca:tws #comic.rambles

[introspectivememories]

girl, what the fuck are you talking about "steve went back in time to live with a girl he kissed once thereby abandoning his best friend sam and love of his life, bucky, who he spent all three of his movies proving his devotion to bucky and implies that steve can only find rest in the arms of a woman and that rest can only be found in the 1950s instead of idfk giving up the shield, going to therapy, and attending an art class."? you sound insane.

steve and bucky are raising goats in wakanda. bucky has an fruit orchard and sells his goat milk/cheese/hair and fruit at the market every friday and saturday. steve is enrolled in the local community college and is working towards an art degree. every thursday he heads down to the dojo and gets his ass kicked. it's the most fun he's had in years. once a month, they head over to the palace to have lunch/dinner with t'challa, shuri, and the dora milaje. steve will show off his new moves and the dora milaje will tell him what he got wrong. t'challa and bucky will fight because it's nice to have an opponent you don't have to worry about hurting too badly. shuri will test out her new inventions while bucky trails behind her excitedly asking questions. then she will drag them all shopping. apparently, steve and bucky dress like geriatric old men and "it's embarrassing that men of your caliber cannot put on clothes that flatter your body shapes." ayo and bucky catch up every week. okoye and steve drink tea together. t'challa, steve, and bucky watch shitty wakandan reality tv together (think love island, wakanda edition). they both are super intimidated and in awe of nakia. she thinks it's hilarious that they're a little scared of her. sam comes by once a month and they cannot talk to each other without blushing, much to the amusement of everyone around them. shuri, steve, and bucky watch high fanatasy shows together. they learn xhosa. and yeah, maybe 3 times out of the week they wake up with a nightmare but they have each other and they are so in love. "we deserve a soft epilogue, my dear" indeed.

#im sorry but steve and bucky deserved to retire peacefully in wakanda #raising goats or whatever #stevebucky #steve rogers #bucky barnes #shuri #t'challa #okoye #ayo #sam wilson #stucky #comic.rambles #nakia

[introspectivememories]

if james marsden cyclops has millions of fans i am one of them. if james marsden cyclops has ten fans i am one of them. if james marsden cyclops has only one fan that is me. if james marsden cyclops has no fans, that means i am no longer on earth. if the world is against james marsden cyclops , i am against the world.  

#james marsden you will always be famous #i love you baby #james marsden cyclops my beloved #you are everything to me #cyclops #scott summers #james marsden #comic.rambles

[introspectivememories]

every pairing has one au they do really well and for mattfoggy it’s the sentinel/guide au

#mattfoggy sentinel/guide au is Everything to me #it just works so well #mattfoggy #matt murdock #foggy nelson #daredevil #comic.rambles

[introspectivememories]

not to be nsfw on main but i need nomad!steve with his beard getting absolutely plowed by bucky. in wakanda or whatever. and i need them to be so disgustingly loud, that t’challa has to come over and be like “you two need to move farther away. we have 70 noise complaints from this week alone.” 

#it's what my bby steve deserves #and bucky #also they can't show their faces in the markets for the next two weeks cause every time they go everyone keep giving them Looks #steve walks in with a limp and one of the older men mutters 'jeez what i wouldn't give for some supersolider stamina? #aviwe my love they went for two weeks! imagine if we could still go for two week?' #bucky who has learned xhosa by then just laughs and when steve leans over and asks to know what he said #bucky whispers it in his ear and the entire market watches as steve turns fire-engine red #'bastard!' steve says slapping bucky on the shoulder face burning in mortification ' 'oh let me hear you doll' he said #'you make such pretty noises baby' i can't believe they heard us!' #and buck who so in love with this impossible impossible man #can do nothing but laugh #i wish i could add italics to the tags #stevebucky #steve rogers #bucky barnes #t'challa #comic.rambles

[introspectivememories]

about your right wing conservative steve post, I've only seen people make that joke about endgame steve? They call endgame steve MAGA steve and honestly I can see why since he ditched all his friends to go back to the jim crow era

god im so late on this but endgame!steve is not actually steve. he is a hallucination. they saved the world in a much more interesting way and then right before steve left to drop off the stones he kisses bucky on the mouth with tongue and he pulls back to stare at bucky and bucky just stares for a little bit before kissing his forehead saying "god i owe that racoon and sam $20." and then steve comes back and steve and bucky live the rest of their days in wakanda raising goats and getting their asses beat by the dora milaje.

#thank you for coming to my ted talk #steve rogers #bucky barnes #stevebucky #comic.rambles #asks

[introspectivememories]

no bc foggy’s relationship with matt makes me insane. like foggy isn’t even really mad that matt is daredevil okay, i mean yeah matt being daredevil part of the problem but more importantly that whole scene “i don’t wanna lose you”/”you won’t”. that’s what it all comes down to!!! just foggy’s constant desperation of don’t leave me don’t leave me don’t leave me. don’t go where i can’t follow. and it’s like foggy’s constantly thinking “don’t make me wake up tomorrow and find out that you’re dead from the news. don’t make me live past you.” and like foggy knows that matt is just some dude, enhanced senses or not. matt’s not captain america, he doesn’t have a super serum in him or whatever. all it takes is one punctured lung and boom, matt’s gone. and matt being daredevil was never the problem!! it’s about the fact that matt didn’t tell him!! that’s why s1ep10 hurts so much!! they’ve been best friends since 1st year of columbia law! foggy thought their relationship was reciprocal. that they shared everything equally! only to walk into his friends apartment one day and find out that matt was lying about the most fundamental parts of himself. and at that point foggy has to take a step back and wonder “if he’s lied about that what else is he lying about?” and “why didn’t he just tell me? did i do something that made me come of like i wouldn’t be understanding?” and that where you get lines like “i wouldn’t have kept this from you”/”you don’t know that. you don’t know that.”/”...yeah. yeah i do”. and like an truth like that puts a wedge in your relationship, to be lied to like that for so long, things are not gonna be the same. and what then? they’ve been matt&foggy for years now. matt&foggy columbia law students, matt&foggy miserable L&Z workers, matt&foggy avocados at law. and now they’re matt and foggy coworkers. matt and foggy best friends? matt and foggy acquaintances? and so who are they now? can they be matt and foggy if they were once matt&foggy? foggy’s still trying to figure that out

#sorry s1ep10 makes me insane #like that agony of foggy thinking they're relationship is 100% reciprocal only to find out it's not??? #girl i'm sobbimg #matt's had months if not years to get used to daredevil #foggy's just met him #sorry this is really rambly #tell me if it makes sense #matt murdock #foggy nelson #mattfoggy #netflix daredevil #daredevil #foggymatt #comic.rambles

[introspectivememories]

i’ve read so many fics where matt “i only use my one braincell to make dramatic monologues” murdock is like “oh of course foggy doesn’t like me. his heartbeat doesn’t speed up around me anymore” while foggy is silently pining on the side and when the truth finally comes that foggy likes matt, matt is like “what do you mean??? your heartbeat doesn’t speed up anymore, of course you don’t like me. i like you though.” and foggy “has all the braincells” nelson is just like “matt. i lived with you for 3 years, we’ve been best friends for almost 6. if my heart sped up every time you did something heart-fluttering, i would’ve went into cardiac arrest years ago. your so fucking stupid. now c’mere and kiss me” and it’s!! so!! good!! every!! time!!!

#and i eat it up every time #matt is so stupid and foggy is so stupid #if you two would just talk #all of this could've been avoided #matt murdock #foggy nelson #mattfoggy #daredevil #netflix daredevil #comic.rambles

[introspectivememories]

“he skated and was too cool to be spiderman!!!” have you ever been in high school

#i promise you skaters are a dime a dozen #there is nothing special about skating in high school #tasm spidey just looked like you average loner in high school #yknow the kid that sat in the back and you only ever talked to him when you needed like a pencil or something #tasm #andrew garfield #tasm!spidey #comic.rambles #spiderman #peter parker #tasm peter parker

[introspectivememories]

exactly, where were y'all when i was fighting for my life defending these movies?

#'oh andrew!spidey is just too cool' #'oh the movies weren't that good' #'oh webb's spiderman doesn't really feel like spiderman' #you might not remember #but i do #i /do/ #i was fighting for my life defending these movies #and now y'all wanna talk about 'oh tasm really gets to the core values of who spidey is' #Shut Up #tasm #the amazing spiderman #comic.rambles #tasm!spidey #peter parker #andrew garfield

[introspectivememories]

if mattfoggy not real then why drops of jupiter at first meeting? if mattfoggy not real then why plastic dinosaurs lining their shared wall at L&Z? the why “thurgood marshall says...” “aw, shit, not marshall”? why foggy leave well paying job to start one with matt? why “murdock and nelson! attorneys at law” “nelson and murdock. it sounds better.”? why avocado joke? why “my mom wanted me to be a butcher you know that?” “oh not the butcher story.”? why fistbumps? why “i’m with you for better or for worse” “sounds like we’re getting married”? why did matt say “you’re not gonna kiss me” and why did foggy reply with “i’m feeling a little something.”? why columbia era drunk flashback? why s1ep10 nelson v murdock? why “was anything ever real between us”? why arguing but then crying because they’re arguing? why “i wouldn’t have kept this from you.” “you don’t know that. you don’t know that.” “...yeah. yeah i do”? why “yeah you’re just a guy right? a really really good-looking guy?” “...”?” why foggy cradling matt’s body on a rooftop? why “when he was around i knew who i was”? why “people have bailed on matt his whole life and i’m not gonna be one of them”? why “you’re the heart of this place”? why did foggy bring matt his daredevil suit? why fogwell’s gym scene? if mattfoggy not real then why “i don’t wanna lose you.” “you won’t.”?

#they're best friends and they're in love #your honor i rest my case #this isn't even all of it #i could talk about all of their interactions for days #mattfoggy #foggymatt #netflix daredevil #matt murdock #foggy nelson #comic.rambles

[introspectivememories]

dane dehaan could do laurie but timothee chalamet could never do harry osborn

#sorry i just keep thinking about that time someone recommended timothee for harry osborn #he could never do harry osborn #dane dehaan #harry osborn #tasm #comic.rambles

[introspectivememories]

matthew micheal murdock has been part of the nelson clan since week 3 of law school. mrs. nelson sat through a 3 hour call where all foggy talked about was how cool (’ma you don’t understand! he just has this- this- aura to him, yknow?”) and handsome (”it’s like his he’s been chiseled by michelangelo himself ma. have you ever seen someone so beautiful you almost cried?”) and funny (”he’s got like this amazing sense of humor. it’s like kinda dry and deadpan and he get this super cute smile on his face when he tells a good joke and ohmygod, did i tell you about his laugh?”) and immediately called up the rest of the family and took bets on how long it would take foggy to date his roommate. and then foggy drags matt home for thanksgiving and the entire family sees how thin matt and is and just collectively thinks we’re adopting this kid. by the time christmas rolls around he’s already "uncle matt" to every kid in the family and he already has his own ornament on the tree and has already given the shovel talk with foggy to two of foggy's sister's partners. it takes two christmases before matt realizes he's been adopted. ("oh my god." "blasphemy matty? that's not like you. what's wrong?" "you- your family" "my family?" "you guys adopted me!" "you just realized? matt, aunt deborah makes you her tiramisu. no one gets her tiramisu. cole and lucy have already declared you their favorite uncle. dad calls you 'son' matt. you're one of us now. now that we've cleared that up, mom wants to know if....")

#dont worry matt stews in his guilt for a few months before he accepts that the nelsons are here to stay #and foggy has already written out his vows #mr and mrs nelson have half the wedding planned (fall wedding. matt looks great in red and foggy looks great in yellow) #everytime matt comes over the family has a binder full of matchmaking plans (after plan #53 failed (mistletoe) failed. they had to come up with different plans. theyre on plan #223 now. its a work in progress. #mattfoggy #foggymatt #matt murdock #foggy nelson #netflix daredevil #comic.rambles