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peterhollandkait · 1 year

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Everything I Know Leads Me Back to You - Part 1

Part 1 - Spare Him A Little Kindness

Pairing: eventual Frankie Morales x fem!reader

Word Count: 5.8k

Masterlist

Read the Prelude here

Warnings: Mentions of drug addiction, depression, anxiety, ptsd, trauma related to the military, angst, slow burn, jealousy, sobriety, soft!Frankie needs his own warning MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

A/N: The first part is here y'all!! I am so excited to share this with everyone. As always, please reblog, like, and comment - I would greatly appreciate the feedback! I hope you enjoy :) OH - and you'll need this video for reference when you get to the end of the chapter !

Four Months Later…

The apartment was quiet, save for the scraping of silverware on your plates. You and Frankie sat quietly at the table, eating without an ounce of conversation between you. Some nights it ended up like this, your energy spent from eight hours with six-year-olds, his at therapy.

When Frankie appeared on your doorstep high out of his mind four months ago, you made it your mission to help him get clean. You found an outpatient treatment program for him, a weekly NA meeting, and got him back with his psychiatrist and therapist.

He admitted that he was a few months behind on rent from losing his job and blowing his extra income on the coke, so you took money from your savings to pay his landlord before you moved him into your own apartment.

Frankie felt immensely guilty, constantly apologizing to you. He didn’t talk very often at first, the guilt and shame eating at him. He was a shell of the man you’d known your entire life.

You tried to keep your distance from him, physically, unless he asked. You didn’t want to smother or coddle him, though you often thought about wrapping him in bubble wrap and keeping him in your apartment so he could remain safe forever.

But once he got used to his new schedule and your presence, he gravitated toward you, constantly touching you in some way.

Frankie’s love language was touch, and he sure was good at it. If you were on the couch watching a movie, Frankie had you in his arms. If you were at the dinner table, his leg rested against your own as you ate. He had you between him and the sink as he did the dishes every night, or your body pressed against his while he folded laundry.

After too many nightmares on the couch, you coaxed him into your bed, which unlocked a new level of his affection. You’d slept in the same bed as Frankie many times, and in just as many sleeping bags while you camped during his time in the service, but this feeling was new.

You were always pressed flush against his bare chest, a tight hand around your waist as if he was afraid you’d leave him in his slumber. His breath tickled the skin on your neck and shoulder, a constant reminder of his presence.

The nightmares were the worst, but you handled them in stride. Whether it was screaming, thrashing, or thoughts that made him jump awake but remain silent in shock, you were there.

He’d completed treatment a few weeks previous, and now he was focused on getting his pilot’s license back. Frankie hated being dependent on you. Though you’ve been his best friend for 33 years, his mother and abuela had always taught him to take care of the women he loves, and he was chronically anxious over the fact that he couldn’t care for you the way you needed.

He wanted to do good by you, the way he should have 23 years ago. Before he pushed you away and ran straight into a war on the heels of Santiago. At first, he believed he was doing good, that him and his squad were serving the greater purpose. But the more killing they did, the less and less he believed in the orders they were given. They weren’t defending America, they were killing for sport.

——

Frankie had a habit of watching you when you weren’t paying attention. Like now, while you’ve gathered the leftovers of your meal into a container for your lunch tomorrow. The way you hummed quietly while you worked, how your shirt rode up as you reached for the container in the upper cabinet, revealing a sliver of your lower back.

You moved to the fridge, setting the leftovers inside and retrieved two cans of soda to enjoy during your movie. It was Frankie’s turn to pick the movie, and he’d settled early on with Jurassic Park. It was the first movie the two of you had seen in theatres together with your families in the 90s, and you both had begged to see it again and again after the first time.

As you finished, Frankie got up and moved toward the dishes in the sink. “You don’t have to do the dishes every night, y’know.” You took a step toward him, leaning into his side while he worked.

Frankie tapped your nose with his soapy hand, leaving a small pile of bubbles on your skin with a smirk. “It’s the least I can do, Girasol.”

You hummed, snaking an arm around his middle while he worked. The two of you stood there quietly, basking in the comfort of each other. Sometimes, he would talk about his therapy sessions, but you never pushed him.

Some days haunted him more than others, sending him straight to bed when he came home in the evening. On those nights, you ordered in and ate in bed, an old sitcom playing in the background. Sometimes, you read aloud to him, his head rested in your lap as you stroked his hair.

As he finished placing the last portion of silverware into the drawer, Frankie spoke. “I got uh, a text from Pope today. Said he’s coming to visit this weekend and wants to see everyone at Benny’s fight.”

Frankie held back the other part of the text from you, knowing it would upset you. Santiago shared a proposal for a recon mission in Colombia. He wanted the other men to check out the folder he’d attached with the plans. He needed four guys - and a pilot - of which Frankie wasn’t any longer. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind, turning his attention back to you.

“Does he need a place to stay? I’ve got a blow up mattress around here somewhere. I can’t believe he didn’t text me.” You sighed, grabbing the sodas off the counter.

Frankie grabbed two glasses - your favorite ones with the Fish and Sunflower on them - and followed you to the couch. He settled next to you, taking the cans from your hands to pour the bubbly liquid into the cups.

“You should make him sleep on the couch, as punishment,” Frankie chuckled.

You laughed, taking a sip before you added, “you’re so right. I’m going to call him right now.”

You grabbed your phone and hit the call button on Santiago’s contact, settling your legs over Frankie’s lap while you waited. It rang for ages, to the point where the two of you thought Pope was sending you to voicemail.

Then, the line clicked. “Hola Hermosa,” Santi drawled. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

You blanked for a moment, distracted by Frankie rubbing a thumb over your ankles. “Yeah, uh, hi. I heard you were coming into town. Funnily enough, I think my text got lost in the cloud somewhere.”

Frankie chuckled lightly, shaking his head.

“That you Fish? Shoulda known you’d tell her. I wanted it to be a surprise, mi amor. How many babies d’y’all have running around there now, anyways? Three? Five?”

“Pope,” Frankie growled.

“I kid, I kid,” Santi chuckled. “Seriously though, when’s the wedding? My invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.”

You sighed. “Santi, c’mon. I was going to offer you my couch.” You reached over to Frankie for his hand, squeezing gently.

The two of you never spoke of marriage or your relationship, not after he broke your heart and followed Santiago into the service, and especially not after what happened those few months ago.

You used to dream of it, wearing his abuela’s veil and your mother’s wedding dress. Frankie standing at the altar with Santiago by his side, beaming at you as you walked toward him. You’d wanted an outside wedding, full of sunflowers, violets, and daisies.

You would be kidding yourself if you said you hadn’t thought about it since then. You had. But you couldn’t get hurt again, it would be too painful. So you loved him from as far as you could. In the present moment, it wasn’t entirely very far. He was your best friend, you weren’t going to abandon him in his time of need. Once he was back on his feet, everything would go back to the way it was. That’s what you told yourself at least.

“Can’t take the spot on the other side of your bed, can I? You have a very nice mattress, sunflower.”

“Well I need that spot for my five children, don’t I?” You watched Frankie throw his head back in laughter, any anger toward Santiago dissipating.

“Very funny hermosa. Make sure Fish keeps that couch warm for me, yeah? I’ll be there Saturday morning.”

You carefully pulled yourself out of bed at the sound of Santiago’s knock on the front door. You glanced at the clock declaring it was 7:30 and sighed. Padding over to the closet, you pulled on your robe before heading to the front of the apartment to open your door.

Frankie hadn’t slept well the night before, his anxiety keeping him on edge the whole day and a memory haunting his dreams at night. You spent most of the early morning coaxing him back to sleep with quiet lullabies, lavender lotion, and soft touches. His nightmares had gotten better, but something about Pope’s visit flipped a switch in his brain.

When you came home from work, you’d found him rebuilding a Lego set he must have taken apart from its display on your shelf. Where he found the directions, you had no idea. A completed sudoku pad sat on the table next to him along with the Sunday paper’s crossword puzzle. His anxiety had kept him in overdrive all day, sending him into a spiral. You’d finally talked him into laying in bed with promises of delivered sushi and The Breakfast Club.

Santiago knocked once more as you were unlocking the door. You glared at him as you pulled it open, stepping aside to let him inside. “Please keep it down,” you whispered. “Last night was rough. He needs to sleep for a while longer.”

He nodded, pulling you into a hug. “How’re you doing, Sunny?”

You sank into his arms, sighing contently. “I could be worse. I’m so glad you’re here, you have no idea.”

“It’s not good, is it?” Pope pressed a light kiss to your forehead, pulling away to get a look at you properly.

Yawning, you shrugged. “He’s been better. Something happened yesterday, I don’t know what. He took apart the Taj Mahal Lego set while I was working and put the whole thing back together by the time I’d gotten home.” You shook your head, running a hand through your hair as you paused. “He was up most of the night too, woke up screaming and thrashing around one. I finally got him back asleep a couple of hours ago.”

Santi nodded, worry etched into his brows. “How are you doing? You need someone to take care of you too.”

“I’m okay, Santi. Really, I am. Frankie is my first priority.” You squeezed his shoulder lightly before turning towards the kitchen. “Do you want some coffee?”

“Please, gracias Hermosa.” Santi followed you into the kitchen, leaning against a counter as you worked.

You reached into a lower cabinet for a bag of grounds before spooning it into the filter. “I keep the caffeinated stuff in another spot so Frankie doesn’t get confused…the caffeine affects his anxiety, so he’s been drinking decaf for awhile now.”

“You really have thought of everything, haven’t you,” Santi commented. He watched as you shrugged, pulling mugs from another cabinet.

He took the liberty of glancing around the apartment then, taking in the small signs of how yours and Frankie’s lives have further intertwined since he last visited. Pictures of Frankie and the rest of their squad littered the refrigerator doors, held up by magnets he would bring back for you after any mission he could. Your fish and sunflower glasses sat on the drying rack, shoes scattered together by the front door. One of Frankie’s flannels hung on the dining table chairs, his favorite books next to yours on the shelves. He also noted Frankie’s record player in the corner of the room, vinyls organized neatly next to the table. Pope couldn’t clearly determine where you ended and Frankie began.

“So, do you have any plans while you’re here?” You turned, handing a mug to Santi.

He took a long sip, savoring the taste. “Not particularly, just hoping to catch up with everyone. Benny’s fight is on Monday, right?”

You nodded. “Yeah, Will is out of town until then. Benny might come over tomorrow for some game, but that depends on how Frankie is feeling. Try to take it easy with him, okay?”

Santi nodded. “Yes, of course. Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad?”

“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d get all concerned and try to come up here. He’s embarrassed about it, Santi. He doesn’t want anyone else involved. Will and Ben don’t even know how bad it is.”

As if on cue, you heard a shout from down the hall. “Sunflower?? Honey, are you there?”

“I’m in the kitchen, mi amor. Don’t worry.” You pressed a finger into Santiago’s chest. Whispering, you said, “Don’t heckle him, please.”

“Never,” he said quietly. “Go help our guy, yeah?”

You gave him a small smile before heading back to the bedroom where Frankie was getting dressed.

You treaded softly over to him, putting yourself between him and the closet. “Are you sure you don’t want to sleep a little longer? You can stay in bed as long as you want, Frankie.”

He shook his head, reaching for his hat on your dresser. “Pope is here. I’ve functioned on less sleep than this.”

Frankie had a hard look in his eyes, but not menacing or irritated. It was the look he acquired when he compartmentalized things. He put a barrier up, shielding everyone around him from his problems. Another symptom of the military, a change in him you never expected. Frankie used to wear his heart and his mind on his sleeve. You could know exactly what he was thinking when you looked at him. But that Frankie went away the minute he stepped foot on foreign soil.

“Francisco,” you took his hands into yours. “You don’t have to be strong every moment of every day. You’re allowed to be in pain. Santiago’s in pain too, they all are. Hell, why do you think Benny jumps in front of fists every week?”

Frankie chuckled. “Hermosa, I think you’ve got the wrong idea about MMA.”

You shook your head at him, giggling lightly. “Don’t change the subject, Morales.” You moved your hands up to caress his cheeks, thumbs resting over the heart-shaped patches in his beard. His eyes softened in your embrace, smile growing wider.

Frankie wanted to kiss you then. Hell, he wanted to kiss you every moment of every day. But in this moment, it took every bit of strength he had not to. He glanced down at your lips as you spoke, internally kicking himself for entertaining the thought.

“Just,” you sighed quietly, eyes drifting to the floor. “Please, take it easy. Santi will understand if you need to slow down.”

Frankie nudged your hands with his chin, catching your attention. “I promise. Thank you for taking such good care of me, girasol.”

Sunday had been easy with Santiago there. Him and Frankie spent much of the afternoon playing Mario Kart in the living room while you watched from the kitchen table. It relieved you to see Frankie so relaxed with someone other than yourself.

It reminded you of your childhood, days where you sat in front of Santiago’s tv, watching him and Frankie take turns with Zelda or play Super Mario Bros together. They’d yell profanities at each other in Spanish when one of them fucked up, causing them to restart a level. You still remembered the feeling of Frankie’s laugh against your back when you laid against his chest while they played. You were small enough, and him tall enough, that he could see the controller over your shoulders, so he held you in his arms most of the time.

You joined in on the fun when your parents gifted you (and Frankie) a Nintendo 64 for Christmas one year. You would stay up too late every night during winter break playing with him, falling asleep together on the couch more than once.

You were never sure when the feelings started, but they never went away. Even as you watched him and Santiago from across the room, you felt them.

Frankie was your first kiss, your first time. Your first everything. And then he left, broke up with you like you were nothing to him, and followed Santiago into a war that destroyed them.

The person you discussed marriage and kids with had abandoned you, to “defend the country,” he’d said. You mourned him as if he died, the pain unbearable. It clawed at your heart, leaving you broken and gasping for air.

Your college years were spent in psychiatrists' offices, life dulled through pills and therapy. Frankie would call you on occasion, him and Santiago writing letters as well. You’d always pick up, unable to resist the sound of his voice.

It wasn’t until you stepped foot into a kindergarten class your sophomore year that you came alive again. You had always known you wanted to be a teacher, but you never expected 20 five-year-olds to turn your world upside down and change your life.

You were friends with some of them on Facebook now, so many years later. More than a few of them had sent you emails over the years too, some asking after Frankie and if he had gotten home okay. They were the sweetest humans you had ever met and you cared for them as if they were your own.

You were at the point in your life where the idea of having kids was slowly retreating from the version of life you had built for yourself. They only existed in your dreams now, with Frankie at the helm of them. A glimpse of the life you could have led if things were different.

Instead, you peered across the room at your two childhood friends as they bonded over lost time and competitive video games from your seat at the kitchen table where you were finishing report cards.

Frankie must have felt you staring because he turned toward you during a break in the game, beckoning you over. “Ven acá, cariño. You deserve a break.”

You got up slowly and made your way to the couch. “Only for a few minutes, I have to finish the report cards for tomorrow.” You sat between the two men on the couch, legs tucked underneath you.

“What’re your plans for summer break?” Santiago glanced over at you while Frankie fiddled with his Mario Kart vehicle for the thousandth time.

“I never made plans for anything, actually. I thought about going to New York or Chicago, but life got in the way,” you shrugged.

“You’ve still got time! I think that’s a great idea, Sunny. You deserve a nice, long vacation. I’ll even pay for your hotel, my treat.” Santi placed a hand on your knee, squeezing gently.

Your eyes widened, jaw dropping. “Santi, no. I can’t accept. That’s…that’s so much money. Besides, I have…stuff I need to do here. Doctors appointments and…things.” You attempted to come up with any excuse in the book to refuse Pope, but he saw through your ruse. You didn’t want to leave Frankie alone and he knew it.

“I’m sure I can distract Fish here for a few weeks while you take some time for yourself, darlin. Ain’t that right, hermano?”

You watched the two men traded stern looks, Frankie’s cold and menacing look from yesterday morning returning as he glared at the other man. You reached for Frankie’s arm then, giving it a squeeze. “Hey, I’m not going anywhere, I promise. Not without you.”

Frankie’s mouth opened a few times as he hesitated to say something. Finally, he reached for your hand and squeezed as he said, “Pope’s right. You deserve a break after all you’ve done for me. You should go for your birthday, hm?”

“I’ll think about it, how about that?” You looked between them, hoping to satisfy their conspiracy. “I’m not sure what the two of you are up to, but it’s not any good. Now give me that remote, mi amor, so I can kick Pope’s ass in Mario Kart like I promised.”

Frankie laughed, a hearty laugh that had him bent over, leaning into your shoulder as he cackled. The brim of his hat hit the side of your neck, but you hadn’t minded. You hadn’t seen Frankie laugh like this in months.

It made you want to pull him into you by the collar of his shirt and kiss him senseless. But you couldn’t do that, not anymore.

—

After you bid the men goodnight and wandered off to bed, Frankie and Santi headed out to the balcony, each with a beer in hand as they sat. The men were silent for a while, taking in the sounds of the crickets, cicadas, and grasshoppers under the night sky.

Frankie fiddled with the wrapping on his beer bottle, tearing it off piece by piece, the bits falling onto his lap haphazardly. He sat waiting for Pope to say something, anything, like he usually did. But Santiago said nothing, leaving room for Frankie to speak if he was so inclined.

Once the beer wrapped had been demolished, Frankie had nothing left to ease his anxiety. He couldn’t stand the silence, not around Pope.

“I uh,” Frankie started, rubbing a hand up and down on his jeans, the other holding tightly to the beer bottle. “I got busted. It’s not a big deal…actually, it’s a big deal.”

Pope looked over at his friend, taking in his nervousness. “Coke?” Frankie barely glanced at him before he continued. “Jesus, Frankie.” Pope sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “What happened?”

Frankie let out a deep breath before relaying the last few years to his friend. How he thought he was doing alright, until he wasn’t. How you took him in and cared for him when he was at his worst.

“And you still don’t think she’s in love with you, hermano? Mierda Frankie, eres un idiota.” Santiago shook his head, grinning at his counterpart.

“Why would she take me back after all these years? All I’ve ever done is hurt her.” Frankie removed his hat, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t deserve her, I never have.”

“Well, maybe not, but she has never stopped loving you, man. If I was a stranger, I’d think the two of you were married already. She wouldn’t have taken you in if she didn’t care.”

Frankie sighed, rolling the hat in his hands. The thing had been through hell and back over the years, with a small tear in the fabric at the back and sweat stains on the inside. But it was his favorite hat, one you had given him in high school after the neighbor’s dog had chewed his Astros cap to hell.

“Listen,” Santiago started, breaking Frankie’s disassociation. “I’ll shut up about the whole thing, I will. But do me a favor and ask her out. I promise you, she’ll say yes.”

Frankie looked at his friend and nodded. “Okay. I’ll try. But you get to be the one to tell her about this bullshit recon mission.”

——

You sighed at the sound of your alarm in the morning, hitting stop but not moving from your spot in the bed. You’d be running on little sleep today after one of Frankie’s recurring nightmares kept the two of you up for the better part of the night. You laid in bed for longer than you should have, savoring the warmth of Frankie’s body as he slept beside you. When you finally dragged yourself out from under the covers, you readied yourself as quickly as possible before you woke him to say goodbye.

You sat on the edge of the bed, gently caressing his back as you whispered, “Frankie, I’m heading to work.”

He grunted softly, rolling over to face you. His eyes were still closed, but he reached for your touch. “Five more minutes,” he mumbled.

You clasped his hand in your own, raising your entwined hands to kiss his. “Sleep as long as you need to, mi amor. I’ll be home by 5 and we can head to the arena together, yeah?”

Frankie made a noise in agreement, eyes fluttering open. “You look beautiful today, girasol.” He smiled lazily up at you, giving your hand a squeeze as he spoke.

You blushed, looking away from him. “You say that every morning.”

Frankie sat up slowly and pulled you into his lap on the bed. “That’s because you are beautiful every day, and I’ll keep telling you that as long as I live.”

“Frankie…” you started, dipping your head in embarrassment. Your cheeks burned red, the room suddenly too hot. “I’ve…I’ve got to go to work.”

“I know, I’ll let you go in just a minute.” Frankie squeezed your hips gently, just watching you.

In the comfortable silence, you took in the man before you. His hair had gotten long, the ends curling around his ears and forehead like they had when you were younger. His beard had grown longer too, a few grey hairs littering his jaw around the patches. You loved the patches, though they were one of the spots he was most insecure about. You ran your thumbs over them, fighting the urge to place kisses on the bare skin.

“What are you thinking about?” Frankie inquired, squeezing your hip again.

“How old you’re getting,” you smirked.

Frankie groaned, leaning into your touch. “Don’t remind me, Hermosa.”

“The greys look good on you honey. I’m admiring them.” You pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead before you moved to stand. “I really have to go to work now, though I wish I could stay in bed with you all day.”

“One week, yeah?”

“One week,” you smiled, walking backwards to the door. “I love you.”

“Te quiero mucho mucho mucho girasol,” Frankie replied, watching as you waved one last time and closed the door behind you as you left for the day.

You arrived at fight-night later than you had anticipated, just barely making it inside as Benny was climbing into the cage. Will, Santiago, and Frankie were already seated in the front, where you joined them and took the still full beer from Frankie’s hands. You assumed Santi had given it to him to “loosen him up,” but you weren’t willing to risk Frankie’s sobriety over a solo cup of cheap beer.

As you took the cup from his hands, Frankie gave you a thankful look and nudged your shoulder with his own. He could never say no to his friends, but you sure could. You waved to Will from where you sat before turning to watch Benny land a punch on his opponent.

The other fighter got a few good punches in, making you swallow the shitty beer in your anxiousness, but eventually Benny prevailed and was declared the winner. Your group erupted in cheers and as Benny came down from the cage, he ran right to you and hoisted you into his arms.

“Always my good luck charm, sunshine.” He pressed a kiss to your cheek, twirling you around.

You laughed, holding tightly to his shoulders. When he stilled, you tapped him lightly to let you down. “That was all you, Ben, believe me.”

You returned to Frankie’s side and nudged him gently. His jaw was clenched, eyes looking hard into the distance. The jealousy radiated off of him in waves.

“Hey,” you said softly, grabbing his attention. “Let’s get out of here, yeah?”

Frankie nodded slightly, reaching for your hand as you led the way out of the crowded room.

Ever since he introduced you, Frankie had been envious of the way Benny effortlessly flirted with you and touched you openly. The younger Miller was flirty by nature, but he had a certain soft spot for you. He also knew Benny meant no harm by it, but it still irked the older man, though he had no claim to you.

You weren’t his girlfriend, or his wife. You were his best friend, nothing more.

As the night wore on, the five of you returned to your apartment, celebrating Benny’s win. The younger man complained about the lack of alcohol in your apartment until he was kicked in the shin by his brother and given a stern look. When Santiago offered to run and grab a six pack, you glared at him and threatened to hide his car keys when Frankie was out of earshot.

“I’m not letting any of you destroy his sobriety, so help me god. Take a fucking soda and piss off.” You shoved a cola can into Pope’s hand before you retreated to the living room toward Frankie.

“What movie are you picking?” You inquired, sliding a hand across his back as you drew closer.

He held two dvds up to you - Grease and Gone in Sixty Seconds - and shrugged. “What do you think?”

You laughed lightly with a shake of your head. “I think we both know what movie I would pick. It’s your night to decide. Better pick quickly before one of them gets too impatient.”

Frankie smiled at you and shuffled over to your DVD player, setting Grease in the DVD slot before clicking it back into place with a press of a button. “For you, mi amor,” he offered, pressing a kiss to your forehead as he retreated to the kitchen.

The guys brought the snacks you’d prepared out to the living room, setting them on the coffee table in front of the other furniture before claiming their seats throughout the room. Santi and Benny paired up on the couch, each on a different end of the sofa. Will took up residence in the recliner, his usual spot on nights like these. That left you and Frankie on the loveseat, comfortably squished together. Frankie rested his arm over the back of the cushions, opening up his chest for you to lean against.

You all sat and watched the movie quietly for some time, you mumbling the lyrics under your breath, body wiggling in time to the music. It took everything in Frankie’s being to keep his cock from hardening at your movements, his body tense behind you. Suddenly, you were up and pulling at his arm, a grin on your face.

The opening notes of “You’re the One That I Want” played in the background as you tried to move him from the sofa. “Frankie c’mon, it’s our song!”

Your eyes pleaded with him, your hand soft in his own as you tugged at him. He blushed crimson as the other men whooped and hollered at him, begging him to get up and sing with you.

“Do it Fish, c’mon now!” Benny cheered, nudging Frankie with his foot.

“Alright, alright,” Frankie conceded, joining you at the front of the room just as the song started in earnest.

Frankie faltered over the first few lines, but by the chorus, you were both in sync. You danced back and forth across the room, hands never leaving the other’s. Having sung this together since childhood, you even knew some of the choreo from the movie, Frankie hanging on your every movement. He was a little slow in remembering some of the steps, a product of getting sick since returning from service, but you accommodated him as you moved, helping him recover some of the lost memories.

As you dove into the second verse you grinned as he sang to you, the rest of the world falling away.

“I better shape up,” he sang, a grin sitting upon his face as well. “‘Cause you need a man!”

“‘Cause I need a man,” you sang back, pulling him close to you. “To keep me satisfied…”

“I better shape up, if I’m gonna prove…” His arms wrapped around your waist, your bodies swaying together in time with the music. “...that my faith is justified…”

Frankie leaned impossibly close to you as you continued to sing, your hands coming up to rest on the back of his neck. By the end of the song, your noses were touching, breaths mixing together in the little space you had left between you. He could kiss you, your lips only inches from yours. But here? In front of the other guys? No, he couldn’t. It had to be special if he was going to make a move after all these years.

You pulled away reluctantly to reach for your water, face flushed and breath ragged. You smiled at him as you sipped from your glass, falling back down onto the sofa. The other men were cheering, hands out for high fives from their teammate as he followed you to your seats.

When Frankie sat next to you again, you leaned into his side, eyes focused on the end of the movie. As the credits rolled, he had you in his arms, thumb rubbing softly against your outer thigh. You sighed at his touch, barely registering as Benny changed the movie. By the 30 minute mark, you were fast asleep in his arms, Frankie glaring at his friends if they made too much noise.

You had to have been exhausted with what little sleep you had been getting every night from taking care of him. You needed the rest.

Will and Benny helped clean up the snacks and soda cans before their departure, bidding him a quiet goodbye as they left with promises to meet the next day about the recon mission Santi was pestering them about.

He had no idea how to tell you about it, and it was only days away. You’d be upset, disappointed even, not only at him but at Santiago for dragging him into the jungle once more. He was just getting better, he didn’t need this shit. But, the money Pope was promising would help you, and that’s what he cared about. He wanted to be able to pay off your student loans, do something to help you with this money after all you’ve done for him.

“Fish,” Santi whispered, pulling him from his thoughts. “D’you need help?”

“No, no. I’ve got it. Can you get the bedroom door open though,” he whispered back, shifting you into his lap to carry you to bed.

“Yeah, ‘course.” Santi moved toward the hallway and then stopped, turning back to his friend. “Hey Frankie?”

“Hm?”

“When we get home, you’re marrying her. Stop beating around the goddamn bush.”

Frankie nodded earnestly, your head shifting slightly on his shoulder as he walked toward your room. “That’s the plan, hermano.”

Part two

TAGLIST: @meveispunk @chaotic-mystery @i-own-loki @harperdoodle @wildemaven @tightjeansjavi @wonwoosthetic @im-the-daddy-here-5 @fckinel @aruthlessblackthorn @angelseye

#frankie morales x reader #frankie morales x you #frankie morales x afab!reader #frankie morales fanfiction #frankie morales angst #frankie morales hurt #triple frontier #triple frontier fic #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fic #francisco frankie morales #frankie catfish morales #frankie and sunny #eiklmbty

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littlerosetrove · 1 year

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Why season 6 was overall disappointing for me.

To varying degrees, I felt like ALL of the characters were fumbled. Let me explain, and buckle in because this is stupidly long, but I needed to get it out of my system. 🤙

My critical thoughts are under the cut to save your dash. If that’s not your jam, don’t read.

✨ CHIMNEY & MADDIE

Do I like that Maddie and Chimney are engaged? Yes. But do I think the mending and coming back together of Maddie and Chimney throughout season 6 was done super well? Ehhhh it was okay. Even then, this was probably the better handled story for any couple/character this season.

Why didn’t we get to see them working through things in therapy? And then continuing to work on things outside of that as well? It really felt like we had a speed run through them making up for everything that went down in season 5. They both clearly had issues to work on like Maddie’s hesitancy to marry again, her guilt over (needing to) leave, Chimney’s overall self worth and insecurities. It felt like a little too often Maddie and Chimney weren’t talking things out together, weren’t properly communicating, but talking with other people about any issue.

Also Chimney needs to retake his paramedics exam or something because my dude pulled out a bar after being impaled?!? Wtf, you know better Chimney! And he lost a ton of blood, but bounced back hella quick. 🙃

✨ ATHENA

I’m truly drawing a blank on what Athena’s story even was in season 6, beyond I think the first 1-2 episodes of a childhood friend's (or was the girl even a friend of Athena’s??) murder being solved; that was it for her. Even then, the closure was definitely more so for the benefit of the sister of the murdered girl.

Oh wait, Athena’s dad was in an accident, but he recovered. Nothing about that was touched on once the episodes were done. No other mention of Athena’s parents.

Athena honestly just kinda floated through the whole season. Yes she had moments of being a wonderful and supportive partner to Bobby, they had some cute moments together, but that was it.

✨ BOBBY

The story of Wendal in theory was good, but not handled in a satisfying way. Like at all. Why? Because the show really brought in someone we’ve never met, told us he’s been important to Bobby and Athena for years, and then asked us to be very moved by it all in about four episodes.

Before anyone starts to protest, “but the show has done so well getting us to care about one off characters in 911 calls many times before.” Yes, they have, but the big difference is that those are one off characters. Wendal wasn’t meant to be seen as a one and done character, but rather someone that’s been present for years and actually meant something to two of our main characters.

What didn’t help was that Wendal was set up in episode 6x9, the last episode before a 3 month hiatus. Then when the story was picked back up and concluded in 2-3 episodes, I think there was a passing mention of Wendal and then… nothing. We didn’t see this affect Bobby any further. We didn’t see him continue to go to AA meetings, nothing with that.

Another fumble was May confirming I believe in episode 6x11 or 6x12 that Bobby is Buck's dad. He’s a father figure to Buck. However, after that scene the show didn’t do nearly as much with this as they could have. They could have and should have had more bonding scenes between Buck and Bobby. Like yes, has it been pretty clear that Bobby is essentially a father to Buck before May stated it out loud? Yes. But it still would have been nice to, idk, maybe even have Buck and Bobby have a conversation about this in some capacity. Just something you know?

Hell, if the show had stuck to the story of Buck processing his death - which they kinda dropped - then they could have had one or two scenes at least of Buck talking to Bobby about his dreams and everything. Instead we got Buck brushing off his death (because running from and not really processing trauma is nothing new for Buck), having at least two honest conversations with Eddie saying he feels lost and unsure, but then nothing else. But more on Buck later.

Beyond the Wendal story, Bobby didn’t get to do much this season. And he too healed from his injuries in the finale hella quick.

✨ MAY

I guess this important side character is doing fine at college? Still going out with that young man she had dated in high school?? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

✨ HEN

I think overall I’m pretty satisfied with the wrap up of Hen deciding to quit med school and focus on and remain being a firefighter. Still, I don’t know if this is necessary, but I kinda think the whole doctor thing could have been brought up once or twice afterward? Becoming a doctor had been a big thing for Hen for something like 3 years, and I know she decided she’s happy being a firefighter, but I suppose it feels like the doctor thing has been forgotten all together? *shrugs* Not a big thing, but yeah.

Karen's workplace blowing up was a one and done story. No mention about or fallout from that. Mm.

Uhhh where was the build up to Hen and Karen wanting to adopt? In the finale I really thought, “Who are all these kids running around? Is this a sleepover???” Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of Hen and Karen wanting to adopt, but if this had been discussed at all in season 6, it must have been once early on in 6A or something, because I was confused where this story came from. They needed a little more build up to this because it really felt a little out of left field, and rushed (like much of the finale).

Correct me if I’m misremembering, but didn’t Toni say to Hen, “a boy needs his father”????? What kind of messaging is that? Not a good or positive one, I’ll tell you that. It’s coming across as, “actually these two powerful women, these wonderful mothers, aren’t enough to raise a child.” It’s coming across as “actually, low-key, the nuclear family is the best kind.” This post by @very-feral-lesbian stated that it’s homophobia, and I don’t think they’re wrong.

And this isn’t the first time 911 has implied this, that the nuclear family is right. Carla in season two said, “that boy needs his momma” about Chris and Shannon. In that case, it felt disrespectful to Eddie being a single father. As if Eddie wasn’t enough for Christopher.

911 may be diverse in many regards, but they’re not consistent in their messaging.

Plus, wh - where did this Nathaniel story even come from? We haven’t heard anything about him since season 2, when it seemed Hen and Karen were on good terms with him. But out of the blue in season 6 we have Denny suddenly wanting his biological father in his life? When as far as we knew, he seemed perfectly content with his moms and his grandma in his life?

Another rather awful message is that Nathaniel, a grown adult, a stranger to Denny, thought it was okay to meet his biological son behind Denny’s mothers’ back for months??? And he was forgiven for that????? Yeah Hen and Karen said “do something like that again and you’re out,” but still. Nathaniel has definitely proven himself untrustworthy. I didn’t care for how this was handled at all.

✨ The Buckley Parents & Mr Han

*deep sigh* Good lord, I’ll try to keep this brief. These reconciliation stories were not handled well at all. I’ve seen plenty of people baffled and upset that the show had given these sucky parents a redemption, which means the show did a poor job in making it clear what they were attempting.

The worst was probably Mr. Han because the only “work” he put in was playing with Jee-Yun once or twice. He did nothing else in regards to Chimney. It was just Albert guilting Chimney to give Mr. Han another chance, and Mrs. Han giving a one minute speech about how “you and your dad are both stubborn.” Wow, so satisfying.

Personally I do wish the show would have the balls to say, “you know, some parents just suck, they don’t change, and that’s life.” But nah, gotta allow even the shittiest of parents reconciliation stories.

✨ BUCK

I have the most to say about him because this season gave Buck 5 storylines. These storylines overall were messily executed, and three of them not even resolved.

— Leadership —

At the beginning of the season, yes, it was set up that Buck wants to take on leadership. However, from that to the finale there wasn’t really anything in between to connect it. So this particular arc felt a bit unearned.

— Donor Storyline —

I do believe it had potential, but it was fumbled in my eyes. In 6A it was really clear that Buck was struggling with donating, wondering if this was a good decision for him. Okay, that right there makes sense for Buck. Buck’s continuous struggle of being seen as parts to be given away no matter how it actually affects him.

However, Buck’s struggle was fully dropped once 6B came back on. Instead it pivoted to Connor and Kameron having the issues, specifically Connor. Connor was the one struggling with being a dad to a kid that’s not biologically his and not communicating with Kameron on how he feels. Keep in mind, we got most of this information in the last two episodes. No idea what other reasons, if there were any, why Kameron and Connor were struggling being married.

In episode 6x17, the show seemingly implied that Kameron and Buck were friends? Friendly enough that Kameron thought it was okay to crash at her donor’s place for however long. I guess she has no friends or family in LA. In any case, it really wasn’t until the last two episodes that Connor and Kameron really “mattered.” Buck became the mediator and pep talk guy. I guess Buck's line of “just love that kid” helped solve Connor and Kameron’s issues. 🙃

And I guess it was necessary for Buck to see the baby, so he could have some realization of “Wow, I really helped create this baby, but I’m okay with letting him go.” Though I honestly don’t think it was truly necessary for Buck to be the one to help birth the baby, but that’s just me. *shrugs* He could have just seen the baby at the hospital after being called up to see, and then peace out.

Overall I just don’t feel 100% satisfied with this story since, again, Buck was struggling with the decision in 6A, but 6B said “no he’s not.”

-– Being at Ease & Finding Happiness -–

I’m grouping these two storylines together. The only concrete thing I can say about them is that they were forgotten and not concluded by the end of the season. 🙃 I’m definitely disappointed because Buck learning to be at ease with himself? Now that was something he has needed to learn, and would have been great to see. It’s a much needed healing opportunity for Buck, but alas.

It’s an added layer of frustration because, to me at least, it really feels like those at 911 are dragging their feet at genuinely allowing Buck to grow and heal as a character in more significant ways. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the growth I have seen, nor saying he’s had zero growth as a character in the past 3-4 seasons. But damn if it feels like it’s mostly one step forwards, two steps back, and sometimes just going in circles.

I’ve seen other fans thinking that Buck has become kinda stagnant as a character, not just in season 6 but for longer. And I don’t think it’s because “they’re stupid” or “they’re just not seeing the long form storytelling” or something. No, if that’s some people's view of Buck? There’s reason and merit to that.

— Bucks Death (and revival) —

Buck died, struggled with his death, and… there was no conclusion or resolution to this. 🙃

We saw Buck not processing his death, refusing to properly process it for a time. He only admitted to Eddie twice that he was struggling, and then… nothing.

— (unnecessary) Romance —

We all thought when Natalia, the death doula, was brought in that she was going to help Buck process his death - despite the fact that it would have been more narratively satisfying to see Buck figure things out with the help of his found family, but sure. And yet, we didn’t get Natalia helping Buck process his death. Rather she found it cool, they went on a couple dates because Buck is once again in a trauma response mode, Natalia seemed honestly uncomfortable with how full Buck’s life is and ran, but came back and said sorry, and now after 4 dates Buck asked her to buy a couch with him.

??????????????

What bugs me the most is that Buck’s romantic life was not a part of his narrative or story for the majority of season 6. This out of left field romance was shoved in, poorly, into the last 3-4 episodes of the season.

I’ve seen one take that a romance for Buck - at what was potentially the last season - was something the general audience would expect, so the writers put it in. I - can’t say I really agree with that. Given Buck’s story and narrative through most of season 6, would the general audience really be upset and confused for Buck to, for example, be single and happy in the end? I also gotta say I don’t like the messaging that the only happy ending is for someone to be in a romantic relationship.

Plus, setting aside the fact that season 6 could have been the last season, Buck has been single at the end seasons 2, 3, 5, and arguably even season 1, but he didn’t realize it yet. In season 2 he was sad but not heartbroken over Ali, and I doubt the audience was particularly sad about it considering she was barely present. Season 3 Buck found peace (of sorts) with Abby, and was otherwise fine. Season 5 he’d broken up with TK and was looking really fucking happy and at peace about that.

So why exactly would the general audience “expect” Buck to be with someone, especially in a season that had up until the last 4-ish episodes had zero focus on his romantic life? “Because Buck for years now has been searching for a romantic partner.” Sure, but it’s a disservice to Buck and really everyone that the solution is to pair him off with someone they barely developed, and show/say that he’s happy about it. Like “aren’t you glad we gave Buck someone whose sole purpose is to be a love interest and nothing more?”

But circling back to Natalia. It’s hard to have much of an opinion about her because we’ve been told literally nothing about her beyond her profession. The most we’ve gotten out of her is her only being interested in Buck’s death and being generally overwhelmed at Buck and his life (even a little judgemental), before and after her apology.

We have no idea why Buck thinks “she sees me.” We don’t know what Buck sees in Natalia beyond her profession and being a beautiful woman. We have no idea what Natalia even sees in Buck despite her saying “I like you.” Because we’ve been shown nothing. And I will say what doesn’t help is that these two actors have zero chemistry.

Once again Buck has found himself passively in a relationship with no idea how he’s gotten there. I’ve seen this movie before, four times to be exact. It’s tiring, repetitive and boring at this point. Natalia and Buck are following too many similar beats already to Buck and Taylor.

There are two possible outcomes of this in season 7, 1) they break up or 2) the folks at 9-1-1 say fuck it and make Natalia and Buck endgame. Neither option is great, and I’ll explain why.

If they break up? Then what was the point? Is it going to be, “Buck learned that Natalia didn’t actually see him for who he is, nor could ever really understand and love all of him”? Hello. We’ve seen this movie before. It doesn’t matter that “Natalia isn’t as bad as Taylor” because we’ve seen this movie before. Introducing Natalia or any new love interest earlier in season 6 would have made it a modicum better, but I still wouldn’t like it. And I’m allowed to not like story choices. I must emphasize that what doesn’t help anything is that Natalia is barely a character.

So if the folks at 911 do decide to make Natalia and Buck endgame? It’s not hyperbole to say they have a shit ton of work to do to make this satisfying in any way.

The show is in such a weird spot because of the writers strike, WHICH I fully support. But the reality now is that the show, as far as we know, may not come back until January of 2024. 911 has always, as best they could, followed a real world timeline. So either the story will jump ahead 6 months, which you can imagine will cause several issues for many characters, or they’re for the first time going to only jump ahead, idk, a couple months into the future. Taking into consideration how the show left things off, they kinda shot themselves in the foot.

Because if they jump ahead 6 months and Buck and Natalia are still together? Great. Then we’ve literally missed a significant portion of their relationship, and the beginning of it has already been a whole lot of nothing.

What’s worse is IF, for Eddie, there is a 6 month time jump and he’s still with Marisol. 1) Eddie may be interested in dating, but not for something serious. If he does end up with Marisol - a character I’m sure a majority of people didn’t remember from 6A, but was brought back to remain a non-character in 6B - and we’re supposed to, what, care about them? Again I must say woof. 2) If Eddie and Marisol aren’t together at the start of season 7, then… there’s something underwhelming in that too. Although option two would make the most sense, even if I’m like, “yeah….. okay.” about it.

Tl;dr of Buck → Buck got a ton of screen time and a ton of stories, but not a whole lot of it was satisfying, to me at least.

✨ EDDIE

Eddie felt a bit like an afterthought in all of season 6, but it was especially evident in 6A.… But really all of season 6.

I think the story of Chris wanting more independence had potential to be spread out over 6A, rather than truncated into I think just one episode. Show us how Eddie is struggling with Chris’s independence, and show us Eddie trying to figure out what to even do with more time on his hands. More time to not be a dad, so to speak. Hell, bring in Ramon and Helen into all of this.

Ramon got redemption in season 5, but there was nothing for Helen. We know Helen was hard on Eddie too, but so far? She’s gotten a weird free pass. I know this show particularly likes to make troubled relationships with dads (moms too, but majority dads), but they could put a little more focus on the mothers as well. Considering there were a lot of parental stories in season 6 (not all well handled), this was a good opportunity.

I’ve only watched season 6 once, so correct me if I’m wrong, but Eddie’s loneliness really didn’t come into play until something like episode 6x13 or 6x14, right? Even now I still can’t formulate a comprehensive thought, but this aspect and Eddie deciding to date wasn’t handled in a satisfying way. I mean, with the added details and timeline put in about just how young both Eddie and Shannon were with *gestures*, it puts into perspective how little experience Eddie has in dating. And because of this, Eddie, I guess, wants to try out dating? Just for fun?? Okaaay. That could work, that could be something. I just wish it hadn’t been handled so clumsily.

And this is where Marisol comes into it. A person who, at this point, is 1) making Eddie look like a hypocrite because he said trying to date someone you met on a call never ends well, and yet. 2) Marisol is, currently, a blank character. All we know is that she does DIY. That’s it. Her only purpose, at the moment, is just to be a love interest for Eddie, however long it lasts, and that’s boring.

But I guess we were supposed to be happy about Eddie asking Marisol out? I mean, theoretically sure, it’s good to see Eddie putting himself out there, but only the concept is fine. Let’s not forget that the timeline to Eddie calling Marisol is fucked.

Supposedly they met at the hardware store (but originally on a 911 call), and I guess exchanged phone numbers off screen???? Then, idk, a week later the big emergency happens, where Eddie has broken ribs. Now realistically that would have taken 4-6 weeks at least for Eddie’s ribs to heal, otherwise Eddie wouldn’t be able to dance in his living room as we saw. Which means IF he’d waited for his ribs to heal, then both he and Marisol - despite being “excited” to call each other - had waited nearly two entire months to finally call each other? Haha what??????

My point being? Eddie wanting to go off into the dating world story wasn’t handled well, at least not to me. OH, and speaking of Eddie dating.

The last time Christopher found out his dad was dating, he ran to Buck. Now yes Chris has grown since then, but, where’s the through line? Why is Chris perfectly at ease with his dad attempting to date now? Where was the discussion for that between Chris and Eddie?

Side note, which is relevant here, let’s not forget that in 5x2 or 5x3 Eddie said “my kid loves her” about Ana. We never got to see this supposed love beyond a few brief scenes of Chris smiling with Ana in the same room. Mmm yes, I can feel and see the love. On top of that, we never got to see how Chris even felt about Eddie and Ana breaking up. So this is nothing new, the show failing to have connecting scenes for important issues being addressed when it comes to Chris and Eddie. Which is a damn shame because this is such an important relationship in the show, but in some ways has been neglected over the years. Definitely missed opportunities.

With Ana and mother of if all, Eddie had really only dated Ana because it’s what he thought he should do (because of his parents and heteronormative society). He thought he should give Chris - another mother? Okay, well go farther with that. Since Eddie did have a wonderful healing arc in season 5, we could have taken the time to explore both Chris wanting more independence and explore what Eddie wants in a partner in season 6. Season 6 could have then explored and made it clear that Eddie isn’t straight (because we live in a heteronormative world, so gotta “ease” people into saying “hey, not everyone is straight”).

And yes of course I’m going to bring Buck into this, Buddie into this, because disregarding the fact that the 911 folks didn’t know if the show was going to come back or not, they absolutely could have worked through the entire season to build up to Buddie canon. Hell, plenty of people in fandom thought that’s what was happening even after episode 6x01 (and definitely after the end of season 5). After everything in season 5, it’s not irrational or illogical to think the show can 100% have worked on making Buddie canon in season 6.

@lovecolibri made a really wonderful post explaining how the show and those at 911 are essentially “ship baiting” at this point in the game. Not queerbaiting, but ship baiting, which I think is a great term to use for Buddie. Definitely give the post a read.

But no. Instead we got Eddie only showing interest in women, and then calling a woman he and we know nothing about on a date. Okay. Cool. Yes, good for you for putting yourself out there Eddie, but… *helpless shrug*

me looking at Buck: Yep, I sure hope Eddie figures out what he wants in a partner. I hope he figures out he wants someone to always have his back, someone he can be himself with and not pretend. Someone who loves Christopher like he does. I hope he finds someone who he can have fun with and be silly with. Yep, I sure hope he learns that while going on dates with Marisol and whoever else.

— The Buddie of It All —

If they truly wanted to, the writers/TPTB could have made season 6 about Buddie becoming canon in some capacity. Whether that was a love confession, or an acknowledgement of feelings that will clearly lead to more. Hell, the first few episodes absolutely had this fandom believing that is what season 6 was going to do. But it didn’t. 6A was a bit scattered on the Buddie of it all, then 6x10-6x13 was pretty heavy on the Buck/Eddie/Chris aspect, and then there was a hard pivot to, “let’s pair off our super hetero hot guys with some women who are purely love interests.” Nope, nothing to see here.

Like? No matter what stage the people at 911 thought season 6 may be the last, you’re telling me they couldn’t have made Buddie canon work? That the general audience would be disappointed and mad about that? There were 18 episodes to work on bringing Buddie from subtext to canon, again, in some capacity. There were 18 episodes to finally say, “hey, yeah Buck and Eddie? Not straight.” They could have made this work. The fandom at the very start of season 6 thought it could work, as I’ve said, but it wasn’t until nearing the end of 6A and definitely the start of 6B that people had to say, “Oh… well. So they’re not going to work on making Buddie canon because it’s becoming too late now and it would be rushed.”

I am not pointing this out to say anyone has been queerbaiting. No one has. Ship baiting yes, but not queerbaiting. What has been clear since season 2 is that Buck and Eddie have something really special. There are big Buddie shippers for a reason. The groundwork has been laid down for 4 seasons already, so why not take the opportunity now, in season 6? Really, why not? Once again they had the opportunity in 18 episodes to make it make sense, even for the general audience.

✨ CONCLUSION

Season 6 was disappointing overall. As of right now, I do have some trepidation of what’s even going to happen in season 7. I have lost some faith in the writers and TPTB considering what they gave us and how they handled season 6 (yes I understand the cancellation pressure, I’m not saying they weren’t in a tough spot). I haven’t fully given up hope, but……. *sighs* yeah.

#911 discourse #911 critical #911 spoilers #uhhhh I had a lot to say about season 6 #ngl this took like 3 days to put together #so I hope at least one person reads this ='))#my thoughts

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walker-extended-universe · 2 months

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4x02 Review

I have to admit, I wasn't sure there would be room in the lineup for a lighter episode given the limited episode count, but "Maybe it's Mabelline" was just what we needed after that busy premiere.

The main plot of the episode is focused on protecting a key witness in a money laundering case: Maybelline Pratt. Despite her insistence that she doesn't need protecting and she's perfectly fine to testify, the FBI isn't taking any chances and they plan to put her into WITSEC. However, she refuses to leave with the men they send and since they can't leave her unattended, Cordell suggests one of our merry band of rangers take her home. Unfortunately, Cassie doesn't have a place of her own and Trey's apartment isn't secure enough to hold a witness. The safest place would be the Walker family ranch and, as much as Cordell is already annoyed with her, he has no choice but to agree.

Side note: Did Jared get tired of his character getting hit on all the time? I got that feeling watching everything between Cordell and Maybelline and Trey XD

As prickly as Maybelline is with Cordell initially, she softens after learning he lost his wife and become a single parent. This leads to some interesting conversation between them when he finds her sitting up at the dining table later at night. When Cordell opens up about his concerns with his children rushing out of the nest, she offers some unexpected comfort. The fact that they feel comfortable enough to leave means that he did a good job raising them, and they'll likely come back one day.

The next day, Cordell and Cassie and Trey bring her to court to testify, but things get hairy when there's a commotion at the security checkpoint. The rangers handle it, leaving her with a security guard who starts to take her away while they're distracted. It's clear that this was an attempt by the criminal on trail to silence her witness testimony and, while Maybelline can't escape on her own, she purposefully leaves her bag as a clue to where her captor took her. One parking garage chase scene later, Cordell and Cassie have the captors backed up against the elevator, where Trey shows up to save the day. Another successful day for our ranger troop, in more ways than one.

Fussy Maybelliene

Side note- did jared get tired of his character being flirted with constantly?

Meaningful conversations and realizations

Aside from the main plot of the episode, a lot of the episode continued focus on Stella handling her guilt and trauma from the break-in in the season 3 finale. In this episode, we're shown her guilt over what happened to Witt. Yes, Witt tried to harm her and Sadie and possibly Geri, but he still died and she feels at fault for that. He was young, just like her, and a had a whole future ahead of him- one that he can never live out now. Liam's attempts to assure her that she doesn't need to feel guilty because Witt was a bad person don't soothe her because she can't help but see Witt for all of who he was outside of the break-in. This results in a fight when Liam tries to push Stella further into equine therapy, something she just isn't interested in.

Later, we see her visiting a roadside memorial for Witt with a rose and a rugby ball, something she found out he was interested in. While she's there, she meets a man who introduces himself as Witt's uncle, which doesn't help her guilt in the least. She leaves quickly after she meets him, which gives our new man a chance to call and report their meeting to someone else.

Much later, at the Side Step, we see Stella trying and failing to get in contact with Sadie, demanding that they talk. Ben overhears and knows better than to push for details. Instead, he gives her space to air out her feelings. Unlike Liam, Ben validates her feelings of guilt and compares it to his own guilt over what happened to Lucas. He assures her that it's completely normal to feel that way and it just means she's a good person with a conscience. This gives her the comfort to reconnect with Liam over darts later.

Side note: I said this last time but I just love how much more a part of the family Ben has become. I just wish it didn't all happen off screen.

But, that comfort is soon dashed when she returns to her dorm that night and finds a threatening message on the window, written in dripping red paint.

A smaller plot that was no less significant was August wanting to join boot camp. He starts off by asking Bonham to go over Cordell's head and convince Trey to let him join without a parent signature. This is an interesting scene for me as it shows us that while Bonham is more outwardly supportive of August's military aspirations, he does have reservations about it. When August says that Bonham was the one that told him he needed to learn discipline, Bonham says that he can see August already has. Not that it changes his grandson's mind, but I think this was a great talk between them.

Side note: I did not expect Trey to be the drill sergeant for this program and I'm very much looking forward to August assuming he'll get a leg up because of that.

When Bonham tries to broach the subject with Cordell, he immediately shuts it down. Cordell is putting his foot down strongly against any parental interference this season and I have to appreciate that. It's clear that, at this point, Cordell is trying to put of August growing up as long as he can. It's not until an insightful conversation with Maybelline Pratt later in the episode that he starts to see things differently and signs the form.

In probably one of my favorite scenes of the episode, Cordell and August finally have a talk about it. Here, Cordell explains that while he doesn't necessarily regret his own tour in the military, he doesn't want August to rush into it. He's still young and he has a lot of options available, ones that Cordell didn't necessarily have when he came home from Afghanistan and suddenly had to become a father and provider. But, if this is really what August wants, he'll be supportive, no matter how much he'll worry over it.

Side note: The combination of that pilot flashback and Cordell calling August his "baby boy" did something to my heart and I'm not over it.

A small plot that I really enjoyed this episode was Cassie and Geri's friendship. I've long hoped for more female bonding on this show and these two becoming friends was a great idea.

We find out that Cassie has decided to stay in Austin with the rangers after figuring out that part of what made the FBI feel so great to her was that it was a temporary gig. Between that and James promising her a bright future here, she made a call to Tessa and started looking for new apartments. Geri is extremely supportive of that. So supportive, in fact, that she offers Cassie a chance to move into the bungalow later in the episode- which Cassie graciously accepts. I look forward to seeing how these two live together. And how Cordell handles this turn of events.

There is a part of me that wishes Cassie had spent more time balancing her options between the rangers and the FBI but I understand there were time constraints.

A small moment that I appreciated in this episode was Bonham and Abby talking in the barn after his attempts to talk to Cordell about August's boot camp dreams. Their couple banter was on point as usual, but I liked that Bonham brought up the concept of their future again. They haven't had a conversation about retirement since season 2 and I think it shows how comfortable they feel that Bonham was the one to bring it up again.

Side note: I love that Abby and Ben have gone into business doing weddings at the ranch. It just makes me happy how Ben has become a part of the family.

As with any good episode of Walker, I'm left with good feels on the episode and so many questions for next week! Where is Sadie? Where is Dettective Luna? How is August going to handle boot camp training? Is Stella going to be forced to tell the truth? Are Geri and Cordell officially moving in anytime soon? Will Maybelline return for Ranger Barnett?

See y'all next week!

#walker #walker spoilers #walker review #s04e02 #maybe it's maybelline #such a good episode #so many good dynamics #some i didn't even know i needed #can't wait for next week!

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whumpacabra · 2 months

Text

Butchering

Referenced nightmares, referenced therapy, referenced animal death [meat production], implied past trauma, an aro(?)ace’s poor understanding of romantic/sexual attraction

[Concurrent to The Mademoiselle]

Deitelbaum’s was a good place for East to start. It was usually quiet and slow paced, and Joshua - the manager - knew the Holloway Home well. Alister had been working there for months, and was more than happy to help train East. (It was only a matter of time before he moved on to a more permanent job - or at least, one he could pay his own rent with - and Joshua could use the extra hands.)

“Any questions about the slicer?”

“How often is it fully disinfected?” East had surprisingly good questions, as focused and serious as he was doing chores around the house. Alister was relieved Nate agreed it was time the guy got a job - he needed something to throw himself into other than dusting the common room or sorting the laundry.

“He always like this or just first day nerves?” Joshua happened to be there that morning, both to meet East and drop off meat fresh from the butcher. East was currently prepping the cutting boards, brow furrowed and eyes intense as he worked. Alister doubted he even heard them talking about him here at the front of the deli.

“You can see why Nate needed him out of the house - he’s just the same doing chores and stuff at home.” Tierney leaned against the counter, yawning. The sun wasn’t quite over the horizon yet - the deli would open soon, but they probably wouldn’t see customers for another hour or two.

“He’s a good worker.” Alister affirmed, taking a parcel of beef from Joshua. The older gentlemen looked…skeptical wasn’t the right word, perhaps politely concerned?

“Don’t let him over work himself - last thing we want is someone getting hurt.”

“We’ll keep an eye on him, don’t worry J.”

Joshua gave a long suffering look to Alister; Tierney wasn’t the pinnacle of professionalism, but he worked well with the customers. Alister sighed, glancing back at East - hair tied back and stuffed under a hairnet, gloves and apron spotless.

“I’ll let you know if there are any problems.”

—

East was a quick learner, which Alister was thankful for. He didn’t expect so many customers today - was there a holiday coming up he had forgotten? His second guess was that there was a wave of tourists passing through; he didn’t recognize many of the people in the deli.

Things were starting to calm down at the registers, enough that Alister considered stepping back to help East prepare the orders, when a new customer stepped up to the counter. Alister glanced at her and smiled, but his heart had already started to sink.

He had seen a few new immigrants come to the kosher deli, but Joshua usually handled their orders. So when the veiled older woman started to speak, Alister felt embarrassed guilt creep onto his face. He didn’t understand her - but he could tell she was pointing to the lamb behind the counter, and her tone was questioning. Both their frustrations were starting to rise when, to Alister’s surprise, he heard East’s soft rumble behind him.

“She’s asking how it was slaughtered.”

Alister nearly jumped, muttering a curse to himself. East was so quiet for such a large man, a silent shadow hovering over his shoulder.

“Oh. Uh - can - can you tell her it’s kosher, Joshua picks it up from the butcher.” Alister wouldn’t admit he was impressed by the sudden ease in East’s tone as he replied to the woman, the two having a brief back and forth. East’s face was uncharacteristically relaxed, tone almost confident - though, Alister couldn’t be sure, seeing as he didn’t understand the language.

“It’s halal too, right? No blood, killed clean?”

“Yes? Yes - I’ve seen them butcher sheep there.” Alister glanced back at he woman, embarrassment bleeding to curiosity. There were more and more Muslim immigrants with each passing year, but he should have guessed by her headwear she wasn’t Joshua’s usual foreign clientele.

Eventually it seemed East and the woman reached an agreement, and he translated her order to Alister before going to the back and preparing the meat. It was a bit later, during a lull when the shop was quiet, that Tierney dare broach the subject. It was their lunch break - the closed sign temporarily flipped while the three enjoyed a moment’s peace and some prepacked food in the store room.

“Why the hell didn’t you mention you were bilingual? Trying to get out of register work?” Tierney had wolfed down his lunch in minutes, idly waiting for the others to finish.

“Didn’t think it was relevant to cutting up meat.” East mumbled, eating his own sandwich in small bites as though savoring the blandness of ham and cheese.

“Where the hell’d you pick that up? You’re German, ain’t ya?”

“Work.” East stiffened, almost imperceptibly, but Alister could see his grip on the soft bread tighten.

“Right, soldier and stuff - damn. Figured you might know a few phrases and shit, not, like, be fluent.” Tierney rambled, but Alister quirked a brow at the revelation. Military certainly seemed to fit the way East carried himself. (And it could explain the nights Al lay awake praying that the poor bastard would sleep soundly for both their sake’s.)

“Nate never mentioned - ”

East cut him off, words clipped and cold.

“No. He didn’t.”

Alister winced at his tone, eyes flickering between East’s eyes and the floor. He didn’t seem angry, but he did seem agitated. On edge.

“Oh, sorry mate I didn’t mean to - “

“It’s fine. Just don’t like talking about it.”

The quiet that followed wasn’t the most uncomfortable silence Alister had sat through, but it was getting close.

“Thanks, by the way. For jumping in when you did. Worst thing when working the front is telling a customer no.” Alister sighed, cracking open a bottle of coke. Some tension seemed to bleed from East’s shoulders.

“No problem.”

—

A few days later, the woman was back, and East wasn’t there. (Alister almost regretted suggesting Nate find him a therapist - nightmares be damned he did not want to turn this sweet old lady away just because he couldn’t understand her.) But this time, she wasn’t alone.

There was a younger woman with her, and for a brief moment, Alister forgot his anxieties. He had known his fair share of beautiful women - he had childhood crushes, unreciprocated flirting, and a few short lived trysts. But he had to admit, this attraction was new. He couldn’t see the shape of her legs, hidden in the folds of a long black skirt, or the curve of her chest, hidden behind the thick plush of a winter coat. Ever her hair, wrapped and covered in a simple purple headscarf, was hidden from him.

And while he could see her soft lips, her dark eyes - that was not what enraptured him. It was her poise, the grace and confidence with which she carried herself. Like royalty, or a soldier leading the charge. He almost didn’t realize she was already standing at the register, speaking to him.

“Excuse me? Sorry, I’m not sure if you recognize her - my mother - “

“Yeah. The - the lamb the other day. I remember her.” Alister gave a shy smile to the older woman, who was muttering in her own language to her daughter. She glanced back at her mother, an embarrassed smile of her own creeping onto her face.

“Well, we just wanted to thank you - the lamb was amazing and she wanted to let you know she’ll be buying whatever meat she gets from here from now on.”

“Oh - oh it’s, it’s my job, ma’am - “

“Jasmine; my mother is Hanan.”

“Ah, well, nice to meet you both. Um, I’m Al.”

“So your name tag says.”

“Oh - right. Right, ah, well East - he was the one that helped, uh, translate between us - he’s not here today but I’ll be sure to pass it in to him. That you’re grateful.”

“We’d appreciate that.” Jasmine’s eyes were laughing at him, and Alister knew a blush was flushing his face pink. Why was he such a dunce all of a sudden?

Hanan whispered something to her daughter, and - he probably imagined it - but he swore Jasmine’s cheeks seemed to warm as her eyebrows shot up in surprise before she muttered a reply he didn’t understand.

“Well, um, we’ll take the same order as last time - please.”

“No problem, Tierney over there will ring you up and I’ll - I’ll get right to it.”

—

“You have no game. When was the last time you talked to a bird?”

“Can it, O’Hare.”

[Before Unlocked Cage]

(Part of my Freelancers: Changing Tides series)

Taglist: @stargeode @sacredwrath

#whump #recovery #nightmares #therapy #past trauma #animal death #food production #freelancers #no proofreading we die like Elias. strangled by the hand of our brother to escape hell the only way we know how.#listen. listen this subplot is important even if idk how to cleanly introduce it.#coming to terms w the fact that I’m more aro than I thought. wtf is a crush supposed to be like???#whatever. East works in a deli. Alister has a crush on a hijabi customer. tierney is a little shit. let me project on all my ocs pls.

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yukidragon · 11 months

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Sunny Day Jack Headcanons - Alice and Ian's Breakup

I wound up going on a bit of a ramble in a thread over on twitter yesterday about the breakup between Ian and Alice. My friend @sai-of-the-7-stars suggested that I put it in a tumblr too, so here we go, with some extra thoughts and commentary. After all, once you get me going on a ramble it's hard to stop me, hahahaha.

Before I begin, I'll quickly link to some previous theories that relate to this discussion, such as why Ian cheated, a few spicy details about Alice and Ian's sex life, reasons why Alice can't bring herself to hurt Ian, her family's reactions to his cheating, and other assorted headcanons relating to the two of them and their breakup here, here, here, and here. I'm probably missing some links to relevant prior discussions, but there are so many headcanons at this point that even a search engine isn't enough to sort through them all, haha.

Disclaimer: these headcanons apply to my personal fan made continuity known as Sunshine in Hell and don't necessarily reflect the game. No doubt the actual relationship between MC and Ian is going to have a different set of nuances to it than I'm exploring in my writing. Not to mention each MC is unique and the branching paths of the game will lead to different outcomes between these two.

Also, content warning: this post will discuss a relationship turned toxic, unhealthy levels of emotional dependency, codependency, emotional manipulation, self-loathing, past traumas, religious guilt, and just unhealthy relationship dynamics in general. This is an Adults Only game and touches on mature topics after all.

With that out of the way, let's discuss how Alice tried to end her relationship with Ian before the start of Sunshine in Hell... which, as we can see in chapter 6, was less than successful.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, Ian really needs therapy. Thanks to a lifetime of abuse at the hands of his toxic mother, not to mention the bullying and isolation he received from his peers while growing up, he has a lot of issues. Really, I'd argue he probably needs therapy more than he needs a relationship right now.

Alice isn't ignorant of that fact. Her coming to the realization that a lot of their relationship revolved around her trying to help fix his issues for him was pretty much the key that led her to choosing to end things for good. As much as she wants to help Ian, as much as she loves him... she can't fix him. No one should be expected to fix anyone else's issues... especially if they've given up on the idea that they can get better.

Ian's self-confidence is... pretty miserable, to be frank. We've seen plenty of examples of it in the demo and in teasers. He depends on his partner to be the strong one. He doesn't see himself being able to handle going on without them... He sees MC as the strong one, and he pretty much is so used to being torn down that he tears himself down preemptively, constantly feeling the need to apologize.

Alice did try to help Ian with his confidence. Since the first day they met, she has been there for him, supported him, cared for him deeply... and eventually loved him more than anyone else. She defended him from bullies, held him whenever he cried, reassured him that he's better than what everyone else has said, listened to him vent, and accepted every apology he's given her regardless if he actually made a mistake or not.

She accepted his apologies even if he didn't actually understand what he did wrong.

There were good moments between them, but Ian kept needing Alice's support. He couldn't handle standing on his own. He depended on her to the point that it was crushing. Things would have been more balanced between them if he shouldered some of the weight of her problems as well, but he couldn't handle them. He was convinced he couldn't. He wasn't strong like her.

Ian was supportive, but it was a far more fragile support, one that crumbled so very easily as the pressure overwhelmed him.

Alice is the oldest child in a large and loving family. She's been the responsible child, helping with all the younger siblings. She coped with being sick with something incurable, and never let the bullies see her cry. She stood up to Ian's mother directly for his sake, something that he could never bring himself to do. She always seemed so much larger than life to him even though they were the same age. She always seemed better than him, at least in his eyes.

Ian couldn't understand why Alice struggled with self-confidence issues. Maybe it was his fault? If it was, he's sorry. He thinks she's beautiful and other people are weird. He doesn't like them like he likes her. If she's feeling bad, then it must be his fault, and he's so sorry...

Essentially, Ian was so ready to take the blame for everything... including his partner's own problems. This left Alice needing to reassure him on top of handle her own issues.

So it was just easier for Alice not to talk about issues with Ian. She just dismissed her problems as something she could handle. She can deal with it. She's oldest in her house. She's mature. She's smart. Heck, she was gifted in school. Gifted kid burnout what's that?

Ian doesn't have support like Alice does. His family doesn't love him. His only family abuses him. He needs her. He needs her understanding. He doesn't mean to hurt her. Heck, he's feeling bad because she's feeling bad. How can that be toxic behavior?

That's why it took Alice so long to accept that what she and Ian had wasn't a healthy relationship. She was supporting the emotional weight for both of them, and Ian thought that supporting her financially would balance that scale... though he didn't think he could make it on his own.

The signs were there even before Ian left for his prestigious school. The long distance relationship made their problems worse, since Ian didn't have Alice to support him in the way he was used to. There were scheduling problems and suddenly he had all these friends that were demanding his time. He had connections he needed to forge, a chance at actually making it in the future... and he got a taste of popularity for the first time. He got to see that other people weren't as weird or off-putting as he convinced himself they were...

Supporting Ian over phone calls and messaging aps was harder for Alice to do than in person. She couldn't hold him while he cried. She struggled for words sometimes, as verbal conversations are her weak point. Texting was easier in that regard, but that was so impersonal to Ian. He needed to hear her voice and see her face.

Whenever Ian had a problem, he brought it to Alice, asking her what he should do. Over time he leaned on her advice more as they grew. He depended on her when they were living together and even after moving he needed her help... though there were things he would keep secret from her for fear that she wouldn't understand. After all, he felt so much shame towards himself and his desires...

The cheating was the breaking point for the two of them, but even then that wasn't the end right away. Despite Alice being hospitalized for alcohol poisoning and accidentally injuring herself after finding out... she wanted to forgive Ian. He was sorry. She knew that was sorry. She knew him better than anyone. She believed his story that it just happened... that he just got swept up by the other person's charms and lost control of himself.

After all, Ian had a history of losing control of himself when it came to sex.

There were couples that did come back from cheating. It wasn't impossible, and Alice didn't want the relationship to be over. She wanted so badly to believe that it was just another mistake made by Ian. Poor, clumsy, apologetic Ian... the only one who could ever love or desire her...

But this wasn't healthy. Their relationship after this while trying to repair things was so much worse. Alice couldn't even handle kissing Ian, and the guilt struck him each time she asked for more time before she could handle physical intimacy with him again. Before, she could power through even being choked or rough sex despite hating it, but now...

It felt wrong. His "I love you" and all those promises that she was the only one for him felt like lies. Ian still spent time with those friends of his who crossed boundaries, not even completely cutting off the person he cheated with. He couldn't due to the connections he was forming to further his career. He was just starting out, and those connections would make or break everything. He had to smile for the camera and socialize. He had to become successful.

It was the only way to make his cheating worth it at that point. It was the only way Ian could see repairing what he had broken.

It was hellish for both of them. Alice eventually was forced to realize that this wasn't what a relationship was supposed to look like - romantic or otherwise. With the help of her friends like Shaun and some of her family, she was able to accept that there really was no coming back from this.

Their relationship had been sick for a long time, and the cheating was the final blow that killed it. Nothing good would come from trying to force its corpse to keep moving even as it continued to rot.

Really, what helped Alice manage the strength to end things was knowing that this was damaging Ian as well. She was so used to just accepting her own pain for his sake that it really was what was needed to make her see that this self-sacrifice wasn't good for either of them.

Alice realized that she wasn't Ian's support like she always thought she was - she was his enabler. She let him use her in order to feel better, more like a bandage over his issues than a person. She had become more like a narcotic he depended on to hobble through the day rather than taking real steps to get better.

So, when Alice decided that it had to end, she wrote down everything she wanted to say. It was the only way she would be able to force him to see the truth like she did. She wanted Ian to get help, go to therapy, explore what he really wanted out of life... without her. Without considering her at all in the future. He had to be independent of her... and she needed to be independent of him.

The relationship was too toxic. The trust was gone. It was best for both of them if they went their separate ways.

Love isn't supposed to hurt this badly.

Ian, of course, couldn't accept this. Alice couldn't even read out the entire speech she wrote down before he was on his knees in tears, begging her not to give up on him, on them... to not throw him away like everyone else. He made mistakes, but he'll do better. He's so sorry! He loves her!

Ian always had a way of knowing how to make Alice want to protect him.

It's hard ending things with someone you love, even if you know it's what's best for the both of you.

Try as she might, Alice couldn't be harsh on Ian. She couldn't yell and scream or smash things... she felt so bad for him. She still loved him so, so much... wanted the world for him... and that love was stifling his growth... and slowly killing her.

The best Alice could do was a compromise. A break. They would be broken up "for now." They needed to give each other space if there was any hope of them reconciling in the future.

It was the biggest lie Alice ever told Ian, and he was desperate enough to believe it.

To Alice there is no chance. It hurts too much. That's why she left their shared apartment, left behind anything she could afford to that had too many memories attached to Ian. Anything she couldn't, she has to try and work through her own issues with in her new place.

She didn't tell him where she moved.

To Ian, this is just a break. That's all it is. This is just like if one of them went off to camp for a week before they got cell phones and couldn't make contact. They'll get back together. He just has to fix things. He has to make what he did worth it. He has to get them the house they always dreamed off in the place they always wanted to raise kids in... plenty of money to take care of them both where Alice never has to worry about anything ever again, not even him cheating...

But Ian knows they're on the brink. Alice doesn't call him or send him messages, and that's terrifying. He did give her some time at first. Maybe a week or two... but she wasn't posting on her social medias. He didn't know what she was up to. Was she eating or taking care of herself? She skipped meals sometimes. She overworked herself so much. She hurt herself badly before without him. What if she was in the hospital again? Who would tell him?

So Ian stalks Alice on her socials. He contacts anyone who knows her and is still willing to try and mediate things between them, like Coraline and a couple mutual friends. He sends her voice mails and messages so she won't forget him, making sure she knows he's sorry and that he'll fix things.

Ian is willing to apologize every day for the rest of his life if it'll fix things.

Alice never answers him, and that only makes him more desperate to hear from her. It's what leads him to leaving so many voice mails. He's not blocked, and he knows she didn't change her number since he still hears her sweet voice asking callers to leave a message... but she never gets back to him.

Ian makes posts about stuff she would like on his socials, hoping to spark conversations, trying to provoke a response, but they don't. Sometimes he tags her with things he knows she likes. He knows he's not blocked so she must see them. He tagged them properly!

They know each other better than anyone, right? Ian knows more about Alice than even her family knows. Even when things ended, he knew she loves him, even if he couldn't understand why she would insist on taking a break despite them loving each other...

They'll get over this. They have to. They've come back from other rough patches. They still love each other. It's just a break. Alice said so herself. Eventually... as long as Ian just tries harder to fix things... things will be okay between them in the end... right?

Every message from Ian is hell to Alice. Every tear he sheds because of her is like acid on her skin. She wants to scream at him to just stop since it hurts so much... but she can't because she knows he's hurting too.

Alice ended things. She had to be strong for both of them. She always had to be the strong one. The only way things would get better is if she stays strong and never says a word to Ian again. Eventually... he'll figure out that he doesn't need her... that he shouldn't need her like he convinced himself does.

The sad thing is that Ian is aware that Alice still cares. If she didn't, she would have blocked him. She wouldn't let his messages get through. He doesn't know if she's listening to his messages, but he still sends them with the hope that she is, that something he says somehow makes things right.

Ian, unfortunately, isn't self-aware of how manipulative he's being. It hasn't really clicked that this is far beyond Alice being hurt by him cheating or upset by him "not measuring up as a partner" as he believes it to be. He's not seeing his toxic traits and wasn't really listening when Alice tried to tell him what the real problems were in that final speech when they broke up.

Ian knows he's a crappy partner. He knows he's all these awful things people said he was that Alice used to reassure him that he wasn't. This just proves it. He just has to make everything worth it in the end, give her things she needs that can make her feel proud of having a successful partner like him, someone actually worthy of being partners with someone so kind and giving...

This is why Ian needs therapy so badly. He's focusing on the wrong issues without really understanding what he's really doing to Alice that's so damaging. He is the pitiful victim, substandard and pathetic, needing someone stronger than him to love him despite his flaws.

Ian was focusing so much on what's wrong with him and what he thinks he needs to improve that he doesn't realize how much he's taking from Alice... and he doesn't really listen to what he needed to give in return in order for them to be equal as partners.

All relationships are about give and take from both sides. Unfortunately, Alice kept giving and Ian kept taking.

Apologies aren't enough when a person keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. Eventually even, "I'm sorry," can be repeated until the words become utterly meaningless.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur

#Sunny Day Jack #Something's Wrong With Sunny Day Jack #SunnyDayJack #sdj #swwsdj #Headcanon Ramblings #Ask

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storyofmychoices · 10 days

Note

For both Mal and Daenarya

For any and all you wish to answer for

For any and all

Thank you!

yay! Thank you for the asks! 💛💛💛

Mal: Caution: May will steal your valuables. Prone to mischief. Be ware of unexpected charm

Daenarya: Warning: fiercely protective and loyal. Approach with respect and kindness. May get you out of your clothes before the end of the night. Be ware of her kissing skills, you'll never get enough.

Bryce: Warning: high energy and intensely competitive. Will challenge you to anything and everything.

Olivia: Caution: literal ray of sunshine. Use of sunscreen is encouraged. Be ware of her infectious smile and laughter. Will help you see the best in yourself

Thomas: Warning: Intensely passionate and dedicated to artistic pursuits. Perfectionist. Handle with care during stressful projects. Be ware of grumpy and slightly cynical

Alex: Caution: highly creative and spontaneous with incurable optimism. Will help you see the bright side of things.

Mal: Charming and confident, but a little aloof. Mischievous. Like nothing bothers him.

In truth: Mal is more caring and romantic than he seems. His over confidence is a front to keep people from getting too close. Once you get to know him, you'll see how much more there is to him than the roguish facade

Daenarya: cute, determined, loyal. She doesn't look imposing so those who don't know her will underestimate her strength, ability, and sexual appetite.

In truth: Daenarya is adorable and determined and loyal. She is kind and compassionate, but she is a little mischievous and enjoys harmless fun. She enjoys sex, a lot and is not very picky. She truly will appreciate everyone's body and help them love it too.

Daenarya: She struggles a lot with guilt especially when Kade got taken. She blamed herself. She's come a long way, but there are still moments she feels that guilt. Overall her mental health is good. She has moments, but she works through them with Mal, Maiele, and the children.

Mal: Struggles with his mental health but doesn't seem like it. He is definitely haunted by his past and the trauma of his upbringing. He feels like he has to prove himself every single day and he tries not to let things touch him, when he cares so deeply. He struggles with shame of not being enough and for what he did in the Thieve's Guild.

Alex: Prior to the stalking and sexual assault, she was pretty strong mentally, she struggles more after those events. She keeps a pretty private life. She sees a therapist to help her cope and remember that none of it was her fault.

Bryce: On first glance, Bryce seems put together, but he has a lot of buried grief and pain. He doesn't even realize it, he had buried it all so deep. Keiki coming back stirs it back up. He is filled with grief and shame feeling he abandoned her. Olivia helps him through it and over time she helps him heal. It's not easy and he needs to do a lot of work on his own. Rebuilding his relationship with Keiki also plays a huge part of helping him reconcile with the things he suppressed. I also HC his Tūtū (grandmother), helps him too. He was close with her prior to leaving. She would check in periodically and he was always grateful to her. Bryce did go to therapy as well. He wanted to let go of the hurt and pain he was holding on to.

Lilah: Lilah struggles with her mental health and PTSD. She feels guilt for not being able to save her father. She sees a therapist and takes medication.

Trystan: That poor beautiful prince/king/amateur detective. His family really messed him up. His mental health is all over the place. He overcompensates with his his party boy front, but is really struggling inside trying to fill the void in himself left by his toxic family.

I might add more later but for now, I think this is it! Thank you for the ask! This was fun! 💛💛💛

[From this emoji ask game]

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thefandomchaos · 2 years

Text

Hear me out- Qui Gon Lives AU but-

He survives and gets medical attention but ends up a coma; nobody knows how long he will be in a coma for but they don’t dare to just pull him out of whatever the equivalent of Life Support is in Star Wars; everyone could still feel him in the force and it wasn’t like Yoda was going to let it happen anyway.

But due to this, Obi-Wan still gets knighted and takes Anakin as his padawan, we are just not suffering the trauma and guilt of loosing Qui-Gon. And as times go on, Obi-Wan and Anakin try visiting every time they can, just as a comfort to know his alive. (Also would like to add- Obi-Wan can still feel their bond but is like a low hum in the back of his mind-)

But, Qui-Gon isn’t waking up any time soon, and suddenly years go by and he still isn’t waking up. But they all still hold out hope, because they can still feel them in the force, but more years go by and suddenly a War is happening. Half way into the start of the Clone Wars, Qui-Gon finally wakes up. And EVERYONE starts freaking out- because “NINETEEN YEARS AND NOW HIS WAKING UP” or “WHAT THE KRIFF, WHAT THE KRIFF-“ and this is not even counting how Obi-Wan and Anakin must feel- especially Obi-Wan.

And for Qui-Gon, he had just blacked out, thinking his death had finally come only to feel darkness for what felt like a few minutes to wake up, every bone in his body aching, to realize it’s almost been 20years and he had been in a Coma this entire time. And then he finds out that not only was Obi-Wan knighted and a Master with a seat on the council, but he had taken Anakin as his padawan. For then to find out Anakin has already been knighted and is currently training a Padawan himself (the poor man doesn’t know what to feel when he realizes that he has a great-grandpadawan-)

And everything is really emotional, and then he has to find out about the War and the Clones and has to take therapy to figure out how to function his body and “no- you are crazy to think we are giving you a lightsaber- you just learned to walk again” and a lot of things are happening and he has to process so many things but his lineage is there to help him until he can join his fellow Jedi again and help them in the Clone Wars-

Also imagine them realizing that they need a place for Qui-Gon because what had once been Qui-Gon’s and Obi-Wan’s quarters became Obi-Wan’s and Anakin’s and then Obi-Wan’s, Anakin’s and Ahsoka’s and they are figuring out how to fit another human with them-

ALSO THE ANGST WE COULD HAVE- not about the War and everything his missed but his relationship with Obi-Wan’s (and possibly Anakin’s) because he realized that Obi-Wan doesn’t need him anymore, this isn’t his 25yr old padawan still looking for his guide. No, this is a Jedi Master and a General nearing his 40s already who is capable of handling a entire army and his former padawan + grandpadawan like someone who’s been doing it for years (because he has and Qui-Gon can’t stomach the realization)

And he wants to form a relationship with Anakin but- Anakin isn’t that scare little boy from Tatooine, who used to look at him with stars in his eyes when he explained to him concepts he din’t understand about the Jedi and adoration when he had promised to train him. This Anakin has already gone through his apprenticeship and was now a Jedi Knight and General with a padawan of his own. Qui-Gon din’t know this Anakin, he couldn’t understand the inside jokes that Obi-Wan definitely did. (He tried to not think about his missing arm, courtesy of his former master)

And while he tried to bond with Ahsoka, new to the lineage herself, they din’t know each other. Ahsoka had no relation to him back then and she only knows about him through story other knights and masters would tell.

But even with all that, just imagine how everything will go. Order 66 would probably not happen now, which means a happy ending for mostly everybody!

#star wars #qui gon jinn #anakin skywalker #obi wan kenobi #ahsoka tano #yoda’s disaster lineage #disaster lineage #qui-gon jinn lives au #qui-gon jinn lives #it would be so intresting to see him as a General with a clone army #and again- THE ANGST WITH OBI-WAN-#and the realization of everything that’s happening-#someone write a fic #someone pls write this

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damnhotmsimmons · 1 year

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If I was a writer for cm evolution...

If I was a writer for Evolution, I would..

give Luke and Tara more screentime. Adam and Aisha are great actors and it’s annoying cm keeps underutilizing them

Rossi less screentime

make every episode about 60 minutes or more.

Show the BAU’s personal lives in every episode, even if it’s just a scene or two and a few seconds per person

More Luke and Garcia interactions, the banter and snark. Will sure as hell add a proper explanation as to what happened after the date, even if it takes more than one episode

Some more humor, I get that the season is tackling a much darker storyline but a little lightheartedness won’t hurt them and it helps add some levity to balance out the serious and bleak moments

Reid and Matt are acknowledged more prominently despite their absences, especially the latter

No Greencia sex scene, post credits scene has Luke showing up instead or maybe Tara gets a text from Rebecca

Maybe keep the Bailey scenes in but in episode 5, he gets more of a backbone and he shows more guilt between choosing to defend Emily and the BAU versus caving in to Martha Reeves’ demands. Subsequent episodes would have him make it up to the team as well as making it up to them after being so harsh on them, looking down at the BAU and the way he talked down to Emily. He has a lot of work ahead, which makes his redemption go off more natural

Garcia gets called out for her selfishness by Emily or even Luke and JJ, seeing how she handled her trauma and it seems that she tried to solve her issues by cutting ties with them and avoiding them at all

Tara and Rebecca having more scenes, whether it’s them being domestic in their apartment or they finally have a talk down after the fallout they had in episode 6

None of the silent treatment Rebecca is giving Tara between episodes 6 and the season finale

Garcia realizing she made a mistake with Tyler after the kiss and her realizing that she loves someone else and letting Tyler know about it

More lady bonding moments, ladies night. Considering how the women outnumber the men in the main cast this season, it’s jarring to see how little they interact besides cases and the fact that the writers try to add more men (Bailey, Tyler) to the show as an excuse to fill in the void left by Reid and Matt’s absences, did not help

Keep the Willifer scenes, ditch the diagnosis subplot and replace it with the family having to deal with JJ returning after her time working in New Orleans didn’t go well due to covid happening

Krystal doesn’t die, sick and tired of the whole “fridged women” trope, her absence could be explained by staying with her daughter Portia cause of covid etc

callbacks to the date and why things didn’t work out and Garcia is back to treating Luke the same way she did in s12-15

Emily and the team gives JJ a proper hug in the reunion

Maybe a small time skip or something so that JJ and Luke have time to properly recover from escaping the trap set up by Elias

Garcia doesn’t say “...even Luke” when she hugs him and JJ after seeing that they survived. He asks if this means she does care about him, with Garcia not saying anything but rather gives him a smug look

Make Garcia less selfish, she goes to therapy and she deals/overcomes her unresolved trauma in a much more healthy manner instead of making poor choices like hooking up with Tyler and knowing she can’t keep being an emotional crutch for others

Garcia get’s more meaningful interactions with JJ and Emily, seeing how it’s odd they rarely interact despite the three being close friends

Maybe JJ and Luke suffer from ptsd due to surviving an explosion, could serve as something that needs to be brought up and acknowledged in future episodes

Luke gets an episode centered on his personal life, ditto for Emily and Tara

Maybe he makes more mentions about his family, not just a one time thing

another breather episode like Saturday (15x04), which serves as a little break from the heavy storyline, Elias/Sicarius makes no appearance cause it’s about the BAU fam and their time off the Sicarius case

maybe flashbacks to what the team have been up to between 15x10 and 16x01

JJ being the one who talks to Tara about her fallout with Rebecca

Set up Elias as a potential foe to Garcia instead of Rossi

More glimpses of Garcia’s new life post-BAU

Luke and Garcia finding some sort of happiness, whether it’s with each other or someone who doesn’t have heavy emotional baggage and anger issues (aka Tyler Green)

That’s all I have so far. I’m not an experienced writer, so the chances of me being a writer for cm is unlikely. Still, a girl can dream. Also, feel free to add more to this

@darcyfangirlsfrequently, @snailsandpuppy-dogtails, @marvelfanlife, @jacquiebethelina44, @rewrotethestars, @ghostlypawn, @blackbird-brewster, @unitchiefs-blackbirdphoenix, @gaelic-symphony

#criminal minds #criminal minds evolution #tara lewis #luke alvez #david rossi #penelope garcia #jennifer jareau #emily prentiss

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mks-grin · 2 years

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🏕️The Quarry AU where everybody gets infected & decide to move to Hackett’s Quarry permanently🏕️

Tw: Mentions of symptoms of trauma - nothing crazy or specific.

Laura

- 19

- Doesn’t have much family, so she easily proposed the idea of permanently returning to Hackett’s Quarry on the one year anniversary. To live with the two remaining Hacketts, Caleb and Travis.

- She has currently dedicated her life to either understanding the curse in order to reverse it or mitigate the negatives of living with it. She’s thrown herself deep into articles of everything from ‘Rabies Infection’ to ‘Mass Hysteria’, to ‘Early Nordic Folklore’.

- She has not really grieved the events of a year ago and seems to be somewhat unbothered by everything. For better or for worse. It is hard to determine if she has truly come to terms with what’s going on or if she’s running on fumes.

Max

- 19

- Despite having family at home, he would follow Laura anywhere. He spends a lot of his time communicating with others on behalf of Laura. Whether it be the other Hacketteers, libraries or whoever else Laura wants information from. He’s sort of a secretary for her.

- He is working with Travis to find jobs for the other Hacketteers. It’s important to keep them feeling alive right now and now allow everyone to recluse too hard if that isn’t going to help them.

- He is a little more irritable than he used to be, but he apologizes frequently and realizes it’s due to stress. He naps much more now during the day and seems to be awake at night.

Ryan

- 19

- Began studying folklore on his own in an attempt to help them all better understand the curse. He has a firm belief that this a reversible curse, it’s just hard to determine when and how it was placed…and by who…and how to get rid of it.

- He’s truggling with the loss of Chris and Kaylee, so he frequently brings Sarah up the quarry. Travis also tries to connect with Ryan as they both are symbolic of their relationship to the late Chris.

- Morally conflicted about including Sarah in on the secret of the curse. It could help or hurt things.

Dylan

- 20

- He gave up his education temporarily and had reclused from society long before Laura suggested they do it. He looks a little scary due to the long term consequences of that night.

- He brought his cat with him to Hackett’s Quarry and spends most of his time with Schrödinger. He reads alone and seems to listen more than he talks. He still tries to listen to and be aware of everyone else’s needs. Despite the fact that none of them are capable of handling the others’ burdens.

- He typically seems jumpy. He’s wiggly when he’s in a good mood, but if he gets nervous it turns into a jumpy sorta thing. He can get in a weird headspace and startle himself easily.

Abi

- 20

- Seems to have faired well a year later. She is well adapted and uses her alone time to draw and meditate. She has learned to self soothe well. She got therapy as soon as she went home, and a lot of the issues she faced that night were able to be helped through the work with her therapist.

- She is a little more outgoing now, realizing her life could be very short and she does not want to squander it! She is one of the few, if not the only, Hacketteer who could healthily help and listen to others.

- She is magnetized to Emma, as she hasn’t faired as well and wants Emma to have some stability. She artistically coins them as the dichotomy of the Sun and Moon. They each will get their time to shine, be confident and feel good. Emma took care of Abi last summer, so Abi will do the same now.

Nick

- 19

- He has little to no memory of that night and therefore has a lot guilt revolving around Abi. He and her don’t really talk anymore. At least not romantically. She said she worked though a lot of her stuff and has no ill will, but nothing can happen between them.

- Due to it being unsafe, he is unsure when he will be able to go back to Australia or see family over holidays, he was supposed to only stay for the summer last year. It has been a year now, and the isolation has definitely taken a toll on him. However, having the other Hacketteers should help him. All in time.

- He has been homesick and felt alone since that night. Jacob however has done his best to keep him grounded. It’s hard however.

Kaitlyn

- 21

- She hasn’t grieved the loss of the life she expected to live yet. Her personality seems frozen in time, her jokes and demeanor the same as a year ago. This is troublesome to Jacob and Dylan, but they’re keeping a close eye on her. Eventually her break will lead to healing.

- She continues to work with guns and further improves her shot. Her way of coping is to keep her head down and learn to ‘better protect her friends in the future’. Again, not everyone’s favorite.

- When alone she can’t sleep and is 100% in ‘fight or flight’ still. While sometimes beneficial in the short term, it isn’t healthy to always feel this way.

Jacob

- 21

- Horribly sad to leave his family and friends at home. Cried lots and was aware that his days as a charismatic leader were likely over. He was the last to leave home for Hackett’s Quarry.

- Still cheery once at camp and was happy to see everyone else, but definitely still cries regularly about what happened that night. He still has a lot of guilt and hasn’t admitted to anyone, other than Kaitlyn, the rotor arm ordeal. Which Kaitlyn knew about at the time and hasn’t mentioned to him since. He is afraid she forgot and if he were to ever mention it to her she would hate him.

- Tries to help Laura and Ryan figure out what’s going on, Ryan tells him to fuck off and Laura always gives Ryan the evil eye. Laura appreciates the help and sometimes even ‘shoo’s Ryan off so she can work with Jacob. It’s good for Ryan to get a break.

Emma

- 21

- She also did not take leaving home lightly. She still makes content, but Abi has insisted that it forces her to be someone she isn’t - or be in a headspace she’s not ready to be in. Emma is starting to see what Abi means. She has considered taking a break and saying she’s going to write a book, but she wonders how much that will hurt herself and viewers.

- She sleeps a lot, but is making healthy strides towards accepting what has happened to them and realistic futures. Her and Abi spend a lot of time together, she insists to Emma that this is something they will adapt with.

- She has thought about opening up a plant shop and jokes that Abi and her could have a ‘paint and sip’ plant shop together and grow old there. It’s one of the few happy thoughts she is able to come to regularly.

#the quarry #Kaitlyn ka #Jacob Custos #emma mountebank #abigail blyg #nick fucillo #dylan leviny #ryan erzahler #max brinly #laura kearney #travis hackett

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sasorikigai · 6 months

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Hanzo DOES come with a relationship warning.

Part of the process of dealing with Hanzo/Scorpion's trauma is that the edges of him are rough and sharp and don’t allow a smooth approach at the beginning of the relationship. As such, people need to learn how to handle his reactivity and resistance in order to become intimate. For Hanzo, some of the hardest things to accept about himself are things that cause intense feelings of guilt and shame. Often the cover-up for these core feelings (mostly his intimidating allure and gruff and grumpy appearance) are masks that he uses to protect himself from allowing others to access those profound experiences he has lived that caused those feelings.

Resistance to change is like having a tight muscle; the more he works it out, the less tight it becomes and the more natural it feels to have more flexibility in that muscle or joint.

The feeling of freedom and loose pressure on something that used to bother him a lot is the result he gets from a lot of exposure and work on that particular issue to become less rigid and thus more flexible. Neurons and the mind are a flexible muscle as well. The more he stays in his rigid patterns, the less likely to form more flexible neuronal structures that allow him the neuroplasticity to completely reframe his entire reference systems. However, a very important aspect in the process of working out with such “tight muscles” is to give it the appropriate time to heal. Just like any physical injury, healing mental trauma has a time and pace to do it so it doesn’t overload him which ends up being the opposite of healing, but creating instead a new trauma from speeding up the process too much.

Trauma, just like an injury needs time to heal and an appropriate context in which resources are available to help in the healing process.

For Hanzo/Scorpion, the most important part of being intimate with him is the ability to share vulnerability and emotions together. As such, being able to express what he really feels without having to make a joke about it and create banter around the ideas he needs to share with his beloved. It may look more “masculine” and thus make him feel less vulnerable only creates longer journeys for discovering each other. Hanzo already knows, and as the relationship progresses, will grow exponentially comfortable and unashamed to identify what his emotional needs are, his thoughts and feelings, or to express how someone can help him fulfill these.

The practice of vulnerability is something that can’t be taught by any book. Not even therapy really enables him to get down from his head into your heart if he is not fully ready to take that commitment towards himself and work on his reactivity and get attuned to his real emotions. Mostly, the overarching message for warriors and men like him is that any weakness is shameful. And since vulnerability is often perceived as weakness, it is especially risky for men to practice vulnerability.

#✗ obsessive cathartic (headcanon)#✗ the ineffable testimony of spawned hellfire (scorpion)#✗ seeking reconciliation with his own humanity (iii)#✗ hellfire fibrillating beneath his skin (iv)#✗ ugly syllables of conjured vindictive crimson (modern au)#(tagging only the three most written main verses but you get the idea)#(if you can't and won't work on this together with him)#(YOU DON'T DESERVE HIM)

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acefms · 1 year

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FUTURE GOALS / PLOT LINES | TASK ONE.

ace.

therapy/healing — despite how much he tells himself he’s fine and that he has no unresolved childhood trauma, in reality he does. abandoned by his father and used by his mother for her own selfish needs, he has a lot of trust issues and a lot of insecurities in himself because of this. I would love to see him realize that if he’s to have any kind of normal future, he may need a little bit of help to move past these issues.

letting someone in — while ace doesn’t struggle to make friends, not many really know him completely. he doesn’t like to let anyone see what’s really going on behind the smile and jokes. I would like — and he would too despite how much he denies it — to see him slowly begin to trust someone and let them in past a surface level. romantically, platonically— either would be amazing. or both.

showcasing art — ace has absolutely no issues with showing off his cartoon work, it’s what pays the bills after all. but he also has more personal pieces that he paints that more so represent him as a person on the inside and I would eventually like for him to feel more comfortable showing the world.

adopting all the pups and buying a house — rescuing charlie was the best thing he ever did, and he plans to adopt as many dogs as he can handle once he gets a better grip on his own life. when he pictures his future the only thing he knows for sure as that he wants a house with a huge garden for all of his future dog kiddos.

children. eventually. big maybe — the idea of children honestly terrifies him at this point in his life, though with a little growth I feel like he’d be such an amazing, fun dad. he just needs to come to terms with the fact that he’s nothing like his parents and that he won’t necessarily fuck his potential kids up the way they did him.

sofia.

learning to love the person she’s becoming — going straight from a controlling household with a lot of expectation into a whirlwind marriage didn’t leave sofia with a lot of time to find her own footing as a person, however over the last couple of years she’s really been growing into her own, and the more time that passes the more okay she is with spending time in her own company. personal growth is definitely a big thing for her.

being a mother — the ultimate goal. she’s known ever since she was young and helping to take care of her brothers that she wanted to be a mother. It’s something she’s always felt she was meant to do. while wanting to be fully happy with herself first, this is a definite. in what way she isn’t sure yet, but she’s very open to adoption or a donor if it isn’t something that happens naturally for her.

resolving conflict with one or all brothers — despite them turning their back on her to keep themselves within the wealth of their family, I do think they still care very deeply for her. I can see them slowly begin to reach out in the future once they’ve went on to start their own families and realize the importance. while it would be difficult for her to forgive, at the end of the day she helped to raise them and that is a love that cannot be erased.

atlas.

healing his heart — since the death of his girlfriend almost seventeen years ago, he’s been carrying a lot of misplaced guilt. regardless of him being in no way able to stop the situation, he still thinks he could have changed things if he’d been there and often wishes it was him instead of her. Ideally I’d like for him to come to terms with what happened and to accept that it wasn’t his fault, and that she wouldn’t want him to feel like this for the rest of his life. she would want him to live his life to the fullest.

learning to love again — while he’s had casual flings and one night stands, he hasn’t had anything close to serious in the past seventeen years. watching him learn how to navigate the dating world now would be so fun, though anyone he gets involved with is set for a bumpy ride because stepping out of solitude is never easy. he’s used to keeping himself guarded and keeping things close to his chest. this is bound to cause conflict.

forming deeper connections — he doesn’t often let people in, but when he does he’s very lovable, very protective asshole. he could use some real friends, and over time I would love for him to build a real sibling bond with his half-sister ripley.

luna.

change as many lives as she can for the better — it’s so important to her to help kids growing up in similar situations that she did. she knows how lucky she was to end up with a loving adoptive family, and strives to help each person she comes in contact with throughout her career. I would however like to see how failure to do so effects her.

opening herself up to romance — she’s had relationships but they never seem to last. ask her about love and she’ll look at you like she’s about to puke. but deep down part of her would like someone to share the whole life thing with. however she is extremely used to being super independent and struggles to let people help her with most things. I’d love to see her find a happy balance of it all.

adopt a child — like, far in the future. maybe. if she ever is to have children, she wouldn’t mind having them be biological, but she also knows she 1000% wants to adopt in the future regardless. her dads gave her the best chance in life and she would love to do the same. however at this time in her life she doesn’t feel ready at all. I could however see her taking a young adult under her wing in a sibling vibe kinda way, one that is maybe going off the rails and needs a little help. she simply can’t help herself.

#chq;task #task | ace.#task | sofia.#task | atlas.#task | luna.#if you think your muse could potentially fit anything lemme know!

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sincelastsession · 13 days

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This is a copy and paste of what I sent my partner in NJ today because Justin called today.

"He called me an asked me if I wanted to try to ease into sexual things and did not understand how I saw that as coercive. He was obviously annoyed when i said i didn't want to do that. Got frustrated with me because clearly he viewed it a different way and couldn't see or admit that my pov was valid. Then he continued to put things on me and he himself was innocent. I went ahead and just took the blame because he kept telling me he was just trying to help me overcome that and then maybe somehow we'd be compatible. He got snappy and told me I was wrong when I was like "we just agreed the other night that it's better off we are friends and I feel that you are more focused on sex" and dude just couldn't see wtf I was trying to point out. He fucking brought up the zoo and how he felt that I was more focused on you with my phone...even when I was just tryna take pictures and just also show you and be able to share the pictures with him later...he never to begin with clarified that he wanted me to only focus on him because he originally didn't seem insecure or threatened by me talking to you...but like idk...like I just had everything put back on me. I told him he was coming across insecure and the fact that he wanted to be platonic friends but then calls me up today to ask me if I wanna work on stuff sexual aimed but then tells me that I have the wrong idea and that's not all he cared about then pointed out everything I did wrong which was just me being affectionate and myself because I was comfortable to begin with and like I in the end of this stupid fucking 3hr conversation we're gonna just be platonic friends.

I had to break down to him that I had no intention nor did I want to hurt him but I didn't agree we were compatible. Because like if my very simple trauma response of just pulling away made him feel rejected (he wouldn't admit this) was so upsetting then no he could not handle a bigger trauma response or a ptsd episode (which im on the verge of) Also my autism etc he had trouble with. I was fucking so polite in telling him he needed to find someone else and that I think he makes a better friend anyway. I'm so pissed and I have feelings of guilt because I know what rejection feels like but holy fuck. I'm absolutely crying my face off."

Followed by because I was in major hypervigiliance this message I also sent.

"I am irrationally worried that anyone I speak to right now further is going to be upset with me and I am about to shut down.

I'm also worried about you because I know you're having a difficult time and I'm mad that I'm shutting down and I wanted to show you support today and I feel like a terrible excuse for a person"

His response was "Hey, no, you’re a great person. This dude just sounds like a nightmare, is he like super young or something?" I replied with "no he's 37" he replied with "LOL oh my god" and "Yeah this is a mess"

I spoke with BFF Travis who calmed me down more, he's good at that because his brother Chris is very much like me in the overthinking and being high functioning autistic. He told me it was definitely not my fault and that dude has problems and I didn't do anything wrong and I didn't need to let him down easy and be any nicer to him.

I was very frustrated because I was having trouble articulating and fawning etc during the call with Justin. I told him it really seemed like sex focused and coercive and he just kept telling me I was wrong. I did understand his pov but he didn't understand mine and it was 3 HOURS of me explaining why we weren't compatible and just taking the blame. Then agreeing that friends was fine and apologizing over and over if he was hurt because I know how rejection feels.

This image really explains the mood.

I need to talk about this. My mind is not going to let me rest otherwise.

I need to give permission for you to speak to my mom to get a family therapy with her scheduled please.

I also need to schedule an appointment that Travis will come to. He had some things he wanted to share and I think it's a positive good idea to have him come in.

I do still have concerns over a dissociative disorder. I'd like if we can watch for that over time. I don't know what your experience is though so I understand it may not be possible.

I find that in some sessions I'm composed and the last one I know I was a huge mess but it's blurry in parts of my mind.

I'd like to draw out what I mean when I say I feel like I'm sorta strapped in and not in control sometimes. Basically a mind map but probably not a mind map you may ne thinking of. More like an actual visual of what I usually experience.

I did have a nice time at my friend's birthday Tuesday evening. It was near a little creek at highland Park. A picnic. I found a cool horse or cow tooth near the stream. The people were lovely and I'm trying to plan a day to do some art with my friend Sylvia. I also got a very good recipe for rose lemonade if you want it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I really am tired.

I'm waiting on Hannah to call me. She's been ok. Not pulling me in her drama so far and respecting my boundaries. I like that. It makes me wonder if I'm more into women that I previously thought. On my dad's side of the family many people are queer. I've been trying to find my place in the queer community and where is safe to meet like minded people.

I'm really scared of dating apps.

I'm also just really scared to connect with people because I'm attracting people that aren't good. I'm an absolute magnet for it.

Travis told me as an addict in recovery that because of what I've been through and because I'm kind and I miss cues that people are gonna take advantage of my kind nature. I don't think I'm that kind but the census with most friends has been that I am indeed a kind worrywort.

If I drink I just basically turn into a mom and this was pointed out to me. So that's sorta telling.

The people pleasing has to be murdered Joshua. I feel like that will be incredibly difficult.

I feel like my interrupting is triggered by something but also I believe it's neurological because I spoke to my mom who said it's not a thing I've always done. It's hard to pinpoint where that started. It was definitely over 28yrs old for sure. I think it was due to abuse but I did back then get laced weed from someone who wasn't my safe dealer...that's when I took a drug store test popped for PCP and COKE. I'm terrified that it may have fucked my brain up. Other than that I think it was just my dad being a miserable angry abusive person, Me having not irl friends at that time because Kelley and several friends passed and I was isolated and there was lots of insane stuff.

Anyway I'm missing comedy night now because today went batshit sideways and I'm trying so hard to decompress. I haven't smoked my medical weed yet but a bowl and a bubble bath are sounding nice.

I'm hoping that we are going to continue working together. I do need gentleness very badly and currently cannot take tough love style.

I do at some point want to chat abt the ketamine treatment after I speak to my psychiatrist again to see if it really would be ok and when would be a safe time to go get those treatments.

If you aren't doing EMDR with me and do find me difficult. Could you help facilitate helping me find an EMDR therapist.

Lobotomy is last on the list. (Sorta joke)

Like this is gonna sound so ridiculous but sometimes I wish I could just take my brain out and just put it in a gentle cool bath and pat it dry and plop it back in there.

The stellite ganglion blocks (sp?) Are of great fascination to me and if I could just afford to go get it done to give my brain a goddamn break I would.

Some people have good results with those.

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