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system-of-a-feather · 4 years

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Early Therapy Story Time with Riku

So I was telling my friend a bit about a kind of funny story of what our first few months / year in therapy was like when our therapist was specialized in Autism and Aspergers with little training with trauma / dissociation. It is just kind of a sit down kind of story so if you wanna read some of our experiences and get a laugh or take whatever lesson from our experience you like, feel free to read below the “keep reading”

-Riku (Host)

Back when we first entered therapy I think in like 2016, I wasn’t host (at best maybe co-host but I primarily was only active to be online and occasionally in our high school band) but instead a now-dormant alter we call TA was “host”. I put “ “ around that because while she was technically host, she switched out a lot and there was little organization in our system due to other issues in the past causing dissociative barriers to be higher than ever and making communication hard for most parts besides Lucille and myself. (which back then we were in active denial about DID and having alters so I just thought of him as my ‘smart brain’)

Originally, our family was extremely against therapy as it was a waste of money and “stupid”, but between a mental health related hospitalization of my middle sister, Lucille and I were able to put a plan to use our parent’s love for looking like the perfect parents against them as to get them to let us “get therapy for 13 weeks for Trichotillomania” and then continue using their desire to look like the perfect parents to keep us in therapy. It wasn’t necessarily the most moral way, but at the point we were at in our mental health, we needed it.

At the time, TA was really not handling our life well, was majorly depressed on a daily basis, and loathed existing to dangerous levels. From what I hear from Lucille and the bits I saw from the headspace, she often compared herself to her “online personality that could do everything where she couldn’t even socialize if her life depended on it”. Aderis, at the time, was a very jaded individual who expected for us to k*** ourselves by the time we were 18 and was behaving recklessly and as a persecutor more than a protector. I was going through abuse through a number of toxic co-dependent friendships and was slowly getting majorly depressed and stressed over how I was living. Lucille was the only active fronter that was able to function remotely well at the time, so he pulled me aside to help get us into therapy since I cared about mental health.

Anyways we ended up with a therapist that specialized in autism and aspergers because we had to hide our intentions with the three diagnoses we had before being aspergers (which my mom said we were said to have at a young age but later took it back??), trichotillomania, and generalized anxiety disorder.

Pretty quickly our therapist picked up that TA dissociated a lot and quickly came across how much she hated her existence and hated that our real life was so shit compared to our online life. Like when asked about what exactly she hated about her life / self she often rambled about how useless she was in comparrison to the life I lead online and how she felt she should just give up on life and live online since it made us happier and was better and so on.

My therapist - untrained in trauma and dissociation - did pick up on the symptom of dissociation and (in hindsight) I realize he probably went ‘shit this is larger than i thought’ and did comment “The differentiation you have between your online self and irl self sounds almost like DID but I dont know if that applies if it is online and offline self since people tend to have similar” and we vaguely addressed handling as if it was DID.

My therapist then commented on how it would be best to try to “integrate” the online and offline self, which is kind of a decent step in thought and theory for our situation, but considering he was unexperienced and handling it - it didn’t quite work that way. In therapy we then began to work towards making the online world and real life world meet which did actually get me back to being involved in our real life as Lucille had me pick people I knew irl that I thought I would be comfortable interacting with online. I picked three people and invited them to a party and only one of them stuck, that person being my current fiance.

From there a lot of work was about trying to bring her “online personality” more into the real world so that she could have the skills she developed online and what not, and essentially that didn’t really work in terms of integration as much as it really just forced me to be involved more. Since I was talking to our fiance online, I had to front more to talk to him in person since TA would get uncomfortable pretty quickly around others and she struggled to trust / get comfrotable around him.

Slowly things generally started to involve me in the real world a lot and at some point TA kind of just decided she was done existing and done fronting and dealing with life and kind of went into a slumber which has lasted the past 3 years. When that happened the system just kinda all turned to me and told me life was now my responsibility as both the most socially adjusted alter, the most passing alter, the alter that was most actively involved in our real life on a personal level and everything.

But like... I guess I didn’t tell this in such a funny manner, but like our original therapist didn’t diagnose us with DID - he wasn’t qualified to nor did he think it was ACTUALLY DID - and kind of worked with it as a weird normal level of dissociation and worked with it kind of like an exaggerated description of sorts. I don’t think for a moment he actually thought of us as separate.

I really just kind of find it funny in hindsight how much effort was put into bringing the “online personality” and integrating it and kinda how it both failed and succeeded in the long run.

It is also kind of why a non-specialist shouldn’t try to work with DID, but also to show I guess that working with a non-specialist can be helpful? Since in the end, what my first therapist did was enable and promote a host switch to the most effective potential host and that did our life a large boost considering TA would likely have been unable to maintain a relationship, manage college, or stick to therapy as full heartedly as I.

With that being said, it did put her in a deep dormancy that the entire system has been trying to preserve until we are in a safe enough life / stable enough situation and all that no matter what damage her waking up and coming out of dormancy might cause that we are 100% certain we can handle it well.

But thats just a bit of our story / night time tale of our early therapy days XD Felt like sharing the story so I hope you enjoyed. Any comments or questions regarding this is fully welcome.

#alter: riku #did #osdd #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydid #actuallydissociative #personal #story #tw suicide #suicide tw #suicide #depression #anxiety #therapy #recovery #host switch

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rattusrattus3 · 4 years

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Hey, I hope I'm not bugging you. It's the anaom who asked a question in regards to feeling uncomfortable in womens clothes... I've listened to yout advice and tried my hardest to feel comfortable in womens clothes. I feel like I'm suffocating still and I have what feels like anxiety, my chest feels like it's being crushed and I wabba cry. I love feminine clothes but I think my head just hates them. I've struggled with my identity too and I dobt wanna be trans bc it's scary but I think I am :(

hi disclaimer im not a professional of any kind in this field !

hey babe!!! sorry i took so long to reply! listen it sounds like maybe you like the asthetic of womens clothes but maybe dont like wearing them and thats ok! you can wear whatever you want/whatever makes you feel comfortable and/or not know your identity and thats cool! also its ok to be trans bb! i think internalized transphobia is so real and so sad but I think it is a thing you can work to unlearn! But like! you dont have to claim any identity that makes you feel uncomfortable you can just be like! im figuring it out or i dont know my gender like thats ok its ok to not know its ok to not stick to one identity its ok to not wear stereotypically “feminine” clothes and be trans or nonbinary or a man or woman or agender or multigender or a grrrl anything and its ok if you dont have the right word to put on your identity right now.... please be gentle with yourself. i wish you a lot of self love and a lot of self care and i hope you feel more comfrotable in yourself and find what makes you feel comfortable ! your clothes dont define you! you can always buy new clothes. Your identity label doesnt have to define you in such a painful way! you are allowed to be in a state of flux or of not knowing! you get to pick how you identify and you can also choose not to identify as anything and/or change your mind later youre ok baby i promise please wear what you wanna wear, please dont wear dresses if they make you feel so bad! please be gentle/patient and kind with yourself

#asks #ask #advice #im not a professional #Anonymous

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lizzodorito · 4 years

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quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically, but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with.

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

#me

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sastheforestspirit · 5 years

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MIKAEL

(questions are from this post)

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything? Artur "Mikael" Sikora - Arthur is royal name, but I didn't mean it when I was creating him. I wanted just use a name I didn't have already xD I have so many male OCs with Tami :V Sikora is polish name for tit bird, he is smoll and loves nature I think it's cute, and he has pet wild jay who he loves dearly and feeding everymoring I thought it will be funny for him to have bird-related surname. Mikael is his witch name, he pick it randomly just thought it sound nice. 2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them? No, he is regular man. 3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? Since he is only child and his mother was a little overprotective he had save and decent live, but since his mother was overprotective he also had hard times with her in general. He discovered he is gay pretty early and that part of his live was pretty hard to hide to. As a kid he didn't really know what he likes and what he wants to do, only around his 20 he got intrested in witchcraft. His worst memories are those with hiding his identy, he was trying to date, one girl, few boys, he was too good sometimes and people were using him often in those relationships. 4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents? He now lives alone, but visiting her mother at least two times per month, and tries one per week. He knows both of his parents, but his mother left his father and now live with her new boyfriend. He didn't stay in touch with father. The worst memory is just parents divorce, but like he don't have one clear accident he would say is bad. His mother was just not the best mother ever and make him often feel gulity over accidents, like "that's your fault they hit you", "you dress strange so you should think about it" etc, his father was working and drinking a bit too much, so he hates it but like he never hit you or anything so he thinks about it like "he was lucky enough" 5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults? Nop 6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate? He is an adult already but he finished Uni (Kolegium Karkonowskie)(english philology), he always liked polish, english and history, never was really intrested in biology, but now he can't belive it, since plants and nature is his new everything. 7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood? He wasn't the most popular kid, but had some friends like everyone in neghborhood and also in school. Since he had allways those 'strange" vibes, he got use to short friendships like in 3 years highschool that would never survive after that. He has some friends now as adult, but never was really serious about them. (Except Edi he is now dating ♥) 8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals? As a kid he didn't had any animals, since mom didnt let him. Now he kind of tamed wild jay, that is very smart birb and got use to this human feeding him every moring. It trust him and would sit on his arm, but would never let him touch it. Mikael loves it dearly and he is very proud that bird let him be its friend. He saved it when jay was still young. He loves animals, almost as much as he loves plants. As a witch he adore cats most, but never had any. 9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals? His jay likes him, cats and dog's likes him most of the time. He is very respectufl for nature and walks slower next to animals to no scare them, so they are a little calmer next to him. 10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect? He is okay with children but it's not like he loves them. Chidren are a little to exhaustive in his opion, since he like peace and silence a lot. Children look at him with intrest since he wearing alternative fashion and kiddos like that. He would be good godparent, but he would be exhausted fast. 11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies? He can eat mostly anything, but he tries to eat less meat, like once/two per week. He hate junk food, and loves a lot polish comfrot foods dishes like bigos and rosół. He likes dishes that make you think about witchcrafting, like pies, stawes and soups. 12. What is their favourite food? Stew inspierd soup. 13. What is their least favourite food? Sea food, foods with a lot fat 14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal? So far no, I dont have any ideas 15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking? He can cook at basic lvl, but a few his fav dishes are complicated. He can make curry soup, stew, american style cookies, but he has no idea how to bake any kind meat, or cake. So far people like his cooking. 16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it? He collect crystals, plants, spells, funny shaped rocks, basicly anything any forest witch would like. 17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos? He is okay with photos of himself, but doesn't care about doing selfies unless he is asked to do it. He have few of his photos somewhere on his laptop. He likes doing photos of spells, sigils he made, food, pretty langscapes and post on witchy forum. 18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else He likes adventure books, and books about witchcraft, plants etc. He picks music randomly on spotify and dont really care about genre. TV shows and movies: adventure, documentaries (with lots of plants), sometimes horror. 19. What’s their least favourite genres? Romantic comedies, mostly comedies in gerenal. 20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes? He never really listen any musical but he really likes music. He knows lyrics to his fav songs and he can sing them anytime. He is the type of person who listen 5 songs on loop entire day. 21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper? In general he is very patient. But don't respect him and he will not hestinate. He can turn really agressive but in short spawn. He also is less patient with himself that others. 22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back? He is trying not to isnulting people, sometimes if someone will make him angry he can bitch behind their back to avoid conflict. 23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces? He has decent memory, but not unhuman-like. He read a lot and try to learn about witchcraft so he excersice his memory all the time. He is good with faces but sometimes will forgot a name. 24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress? He is trying to sleep a healthy 7 hours per day, but sometimes its 8 sometimes its 6, since is jay is waking him up every moring at 6, he got use to wake up at 6 and is living like that. He don't snore and sleep pretty deep. He sleep in regular single bed, with soft matterss. 25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves? He think he has good sense of humore. He loves his boyfriend jokes and acident jokes and punes. He think it's really funny to 28 year old man act like little naughty kitten sometimes. 26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? He will share his happines with everyone. He will giggle at every occasion and hum a little, in home will start sing. 27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad? When human dont respect nature and others. When people are showing that money are more important than others. Being alone. He is not crying thaat easly, mostly because he is trying to stay positive and strong as much as he can. 28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared? He dont have any phobia he is aware of, he is scared of horror-like clowns, ghosts. He would never enter abonded bulding in night, but he is okay with forests in night. Scared he will not scream, but got very silent and pale. 29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective? He don't think teasing people over their fears is funny and will respect that. He will try to protect this person. 30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out? He likes walks, but would never run or play any sport. If he would get force to run right now he will proably -alsmot- pass out. He don't have any stamina. 31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing? He actually likes to drink and go to parties, but like... will stay in the croner and chat with one person. He hates hangovers but will get drunk sometimes anyway. When people are drunk he will tease, when hangover he will be kind. 32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like? He tries to dress like urban male witch he is. Black, browns, green. And hint of yellow, like a scarf, or a shoe ties. He really likes this style, most of the time he got his clothes at second hand stores, sometimes he is lucky and will get osmetihng new. 33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties? Sometimes boxers sometimes reagular pants, depend of how hot it is and what did he pick at the store/was cheap/took from his drawer. 34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body? For a man living in poland he is kinda short. Slim, but not like really thin and almost with no muscules. A little bit fat here and there. 35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure? dunno to hard to think about now 36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing? He can at basic lvl: do spells, cook, saw baisc things, sing but basic, draw also basci only plants. He didnt had any real hobby at age when kiddos are fast learners. Was playing outside nothing serious. 37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction? He likes to read, mostly non fiction since he feel oblgation to learn a lot as a witch. He read kinda slow but that's mostly for better understanding those non fiction books 38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had? Depends on his mood, but sometimes he is jelly how people can stay more focus at their job and dreams, since he still dont really have abig dream. He would love to be better at cooking and baking. From craft he can't do it's gonna be sculpturing 39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? He is a little bit old fashioned, so he loves leatters, but textes are good too. Small little notes with the love one on the fridge <3 40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert? He likes coffee and sweets, will not tolerate energy drinks. He can take a weaker coffee at eveing if he wanna stay focus at something. 41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship? Gay. More than just look he likes when his man is just sweet/adorable in character. After few hard relationships he is affraid of being used, so he need a lot of patinet with that and a man who will show him his respect his moneny, time and what is he doing. 42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition? Is living in the cottage a goal? He want just live peacefully and a little slower then the rest. But he would scirfce anything for his mother, boyfriend and magick. 43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people? He worship Gaia and respect small nature spirtis. 44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most? He loves spring and autumn equally. Second fav is summer, because there is a lot plant's but it's a little to hot. He loves rain the most, but not a storm. He loves kowing that plants have enought water to drink. He is a little better with cold than hot. 45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves? He looks a little to strange for stranger, with his fashion and sometimes they way he talks, but if you get to know him, he is calm and decent guy with big passion for magick. It's similar since he is very careful with how much he shows. 46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves? He s super strange at first glance, he is sometimes like this strange old guy from you nieghbor you were scared of as kiddo. Also giving this misterious vibes. And... that's basicly him, unless he is not that misterious, more like cat that turned out to be a little silly. 47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event? OKay, okay, so now we will be roleplaying old event with christmas eve (cough) so listen, he is not wearing those as regular, but he will wear: a grey wool suit, and funny colorfull bowtie, also funny socks and black elegant shoes. White shirt. He dont like fancy parites. 48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend? He loves spending time in a club to forget about problems, when he was younger and single a little plus flirting, but not much. He prefer to spend time with few people over daning in the middle. He also like small parties at home and family gatherings even if his mother makes him sick sometimes. 49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them? He is very sentimental, and so far he has a lot valued object, but his Grimoire and necklace with Gaia symbol are the most important to him. He lost his glimore in rp recently so (RIP) snif, but he play cool, he can write it again. 50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials? Grimore, some water, fav crystals, few small spells, one book, phone, pen, jar for things he may find, wallet. Essentials are: wallet, jar, Grimoire and phone.

#mikael #50 question #idk how to tag it #my OC #developing my OC

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angelsfuk · 3 years

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trying something new

for some reason for so many years that i have journaled i never posted it online and in a wild mania episode in my need for love and affection and my need as well for nothing at all i decided why not post my old journals and continue to try and hournal here too ive always had trouble trying to maintin a sense o f

habit and keeping up with things

i revently bought a pair of roller skates i used them once in my basement and now i guiltily look at them as they stare at me from acoss the room dog hair and dirt forming where it sits on the ground my paintings do the same along with paint brushes left forgotten in water cups drying out slowly

how do people live

how do people have healthy lives can some one tell me

a life where you maintina relationships go to work and clean your house pay your bills all while trying to be happy too

recently i fount out the guy who took my virginity and a close friend of mine who used me as a fwb was actually using me as his other woman he had a girlfriend the whole time i let him me an cum inside thinking if i let him do what he wants he will finally love me i let him choked me to passing out his arms wrapped around my neck and suspended me in a cloud of hazy pain it was scary i don't know why i follow love to places like these where i feel myself at the edge he always puts me here

i forever feel like a little girl waitng for my happy ending or at least trying to find it but instead of maybe letting life happen i feel a need to force

i want so badly to feel that happiness

i hope some day i do

but maybe i dont deserve it

thats okay too really all i really want now a days is to sit in a field the ground is soft tall yellow wheat grass sways around me the wind is cool but the sun is hot i want to look into the sun for a million yeats till my eyes are bleached white i want to feel the warmth of all the hand si have held and the caress of all the lips ive been able to kiss i want to feel my mothers arms around me again the softness of her skin the way she smells the way she use to love me

of course i have to start crying while typing this its been awhile since ive thought of her ther is a version of her i remeber as my mom the one i knew when i was 10 and under she wasnt perfect but it felt like her she would watch scary movies with me take me shopping with her we would get banana cream pie and olives and we would cuddle up on the couch under a blanket and watch movies likes signs the sixth sense and his have eyes she was so funny then she was broken but was still my mom she had a nice boyfriend he was nice to my brother and i

i remeber when i was little id have nightmares and wake up crying id fo to her room and she would always walk me back to bed and wait till i fell asleep mind you she would be naked too not in a weird way my mom was always comfrotable being naked around me and she loved to sleep naked who can blame her

i miss you mom

i hope mayne someday you will be yourself again and ill be woman enough to face you again

#journal

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wwoofcsa · 4 years

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Crazy time in Pai

So over the last few relationships id realized that id really been struggling with confrentation, resistance and avoidance. Id fall for a girl and over commit myself to some degree, and when i perceived that she was becoming more dependent on me than i felt comfrotable, i’d start feeling a bit trapped and try and distance myself. Throughout the process of this happening, id attempt to communicate it, but i was always focusing more on the external experiences that i thought were causing my discomfort. Shes trying to hang out too much, shes not giving my space to make boundries. Eventually i started noticing the pattern and through observing, i wanted to approach these situations (towards myself and my partner) from a more compassionate space. I wanted to come from a space that felt more like my secure self, dealing with challenges i was having, as opposed to acting through an avoidant “mask” i felt like i had been wearing.

During wonderfruit, i had a pretty strong experience in the “distancing” realm with karla. I had met these two amazing amazing girls and i wanted to dedicate time to connecting with them. A week or so earlier, i started to feel something going on with karla. She was definitely feeling some insecurities and and our relationship got a bit heavier. I was seeing that my support was perhaps not strong enough to keep her head above water, but because we were only speaking on the phone, i didnt feel it too much. Upon arriving at the festival, i tried to express that i was a bit nervous, feeling that i may have to find a balance between attending to her needs, and my needs of connecting with these girls. I think my perfect situation (now looking back) would have been for me and karla to spend time with these girls and to be a crew, where i could be open and loving towards everyone and feel good about the balance. In the end, it felt that karla was constantly pulling my attention away, which was causing me a great deal of dissonance. I wanted to be with the girls, but i was feeling as if i wasnt free to do what felt good for me. A few days in, after a few conversations between karla and i, trying to figure out what was going on. I realized that i was feeling a great deal of resistance (which she was feeling as well). I told her, that i could see that she needed support, but this time for me to connect with these two girls was really important to me and that i wasnt willing to support her in this time and that i could give her all the support she needed when we arrived back to chiang mai after the festival. While clearly struggling, she did give me the space (guilt free) of spending time with the girls. I was very very greatful for this and ultimately that space allowed us to heal over the next week. Still though, on and off i felt as if there was a wall inbetween us that wasnt allowing for me i truly express the way i felt. I was feeling hyper critical, and things would bother me that hadnt in the past. At the end of the week, i had noticed the following things

-karla and i are very compatible in many ways

-we live very similarly, and when we’re alone, things are very peaceful and lovely

-sometimes when we’re with others, i have a hard time navigating and balancing our relationship

-when either of us are feeling off, it can be very hard to understand what the root is

-we seem to connect differently in social settings, or at least we have different ideas about how we connect with others. (i think karla may have a distorted idea of how i connect with others)

Anyway we went our seperate ways at the end of the week, and she headed towards koh chung, and i headed up to pai...

So i arrived in pai, and i was supposed to meet katy. The first evening i arrived, we met up for a christmas potluck and this (which we found out later) christian, spiritual community gathering. There were hippies everywhere and little dreaded kids eating with their parents. It was actually quite lovely. After a bit of time, i found a deep sense of distance towards katy as well. It didnt feel good to be with her, and everything felt quite flat. We both felt it and at the end of the evening, we spoke about it a bit. I told her i was working through some stuff and it wasnt her fault, but that perhaps when we met, it was just in a particular headspace that i was no longer in. The next day we decided it didnt feel good to meet up, and that i would see her before i left pai, to say goodbye.

A few days in pai, meeting some amazing and beautiful people (charlotte, hook and ting ting) really did me some good. I ended up going to a breathwork workshop and at the beginning of the workshop, she asked us what we wanted to release from us. I said distance, avoidance, resistance. During the holotropic breathing, there was a point where i saw myself, holding petrina as she was curled up, and i was crying because i just wanted to keep her safe, but i knew that i couldnt, and that i would have to let her go. Suddenly petrina changed to a child. I was holding this baby in my hands, with the same feeling as before, and a moment passed until i realized that the newborn i was holding, was myself as a child. And i cried a bit more. I truly felt, that by trying to protect myself, i was only holding myself back, and that i would have to let myself go, to experience these relationships fully in tune with myself.

Arriving at the end of the workshop, something had definitely shifted and i could feel a lightness in my body. Little did i know, the universe is literally always present and has a sense of humor.

So later that evening, charlotte told us that she had friends performing at an open mic at art of chai. We all decided to go and when we arrived, we saw that the open mic and only just begun, so we went to grab a quick bite to eat, and then returned after. Upon our return, the first person i saw, sitting with her father, was dannah cahn. A super super weird experience in itself, just because i had no idea that she was in pai, as we werent really on speaking terms. So after an awkward embrace, i went and sat down. I got some inspiration from charlotte to lead a mini meditation during the open mic. And when i was called up to lead it, katy waltzes in this tiny coffee shop and sits down. So here i am, leading a loving kindness meditation, and two of my past partners are sitting and watching in this little tiny room. I guess the universe is telling me that its time for me to deal with my shit.

Hilariously trying to process this situation, i ran to the bathroom for a moment, and sat down, took a few breaths and smiled. I dont know whats happening or how, but im going to try and face it, the best i knew how. So i took a moment with each of them, to wish them well on their paths, but that i dont think it will feel good to meet up while i’m in pai and that i appreciate the space. They were both very kind and compassionate in response and i couldnt be more at peace with the situation. A beautiful lesson learned, and a first step into confrontation and facing the things that life throws my way.

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myjujitsujourney · 7 years

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Overview

Spoke to my little sister she was saying jasmine was someone who was to young. But more importantly it was her values were like the opposite to mine. So much u arent a person about your looks. Think of the bad times u had there were a few times u were thinking of ending it and all the fristrations. You know shes more ungrateful, she came here with nothing. She barely had friends or new how to make friends. If it wasnt for you. But she wasnt gonna be anything. Even dad said she didnt see it. She didnt have the valuesto be a partner. She was meant to help you better yourself now make you feel worse. There a trend now you want to leave your job and at the same time thats when u broke it off with vanessa now same situation with jasmine. You need to think it through put time on you . You dont need to rush into anything but work on you first. You always had in that mindframe to start you own business now its he time to do it. Think positive hought and positive things to make you better. Never look backwards cause you carnt change anything fuck it its in the past but look forwards you can do something about it Speaking to tony after class. Had a chat about jasmine. Everything became comfortable with you. You were just another version of tin. Everything in comparison she isnt driven or in that pool. No motivation no driver. Nothing really positive from it. Shes just some young 19 year old pussy that you got to show off. Yeah i get it. Shes pretty whilst you walking around all the guys are checking her out and your the guy that gets to bang that. I get it. We are turning 30 soon. This was your way to say you got your youth. Your the old guy screwing this young thing. Are you surprised that it ended? In fact she was doing you a favor. So dont be moapy about it. The reality is with you relene was that pussy and she was dangling it all that time like a leash and you followed just so you could bang it, vanessa was the rebound to relene and im not sure what that was and you got comfortable. and jasmine was this young thing to show off. She hot, shes a Korean, shes nice, it was the idea of her. You werent gonna see a future with her or looking to settle down. You were saying you were going on a gap year thats crazy being comfrotable. Comfortable going to class. Yeh i understand your gonna get sad and wateva. But there was nothing to gain if you were still with her.. let be honest. You are lost and donno where your going. You dont know where you want to be. You were gonna take a year off that just silly. If your lost how are is that going to help you if shes still with you. What you are going to mentor her or even guild her if that was what you wanted. That isnt right. You need to figure out what you want. You just need to find your rebound screw and youll be fine. Did you really see yourself settling down with her? What was the end goal with her? When you look at jasmine shes still developing. shes more into social media and trying to be instagram famous. I dont see you settling down with her. If you did then we would say come on man whats going on. What did you expect from this there was no future so i dont get why you getting depressed about. You need to stop letting you dick dictate to much.

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