#i dont feel sick anymore after over a month so i think i can make more art. ive also FINALLY adjusted to my life changes which helps | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

faetima · 25 days

Note

THE AVEN + HANAHAKI THING YESSS I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR SO LONG BECAUSE LIKE. I know it's always super angsty when it's the reader that gets hanahaki but rine having it. imagine pushing your s/o away because you don't think you can do a relationship rn just to get hit by the stupid idiot in love disease. damn sucks to be you man

(tbh hanahaki as fun as the angst is I love aventurine so much and usually just alter hanahaki to be like less deadly because a) I DONT WANT TO BE SAD and b) the whole guilt of "I developed hanahaki because of you now love me or I WILL die" feels strange to me)(but also yum angst and the consequences of pushing someone away) ((sorry I talk a lot teehee okay bye))

𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫. 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠. .

. . too bad he wasn't your darling anymore.

// tws ; slight cursing, blood ; gn reader ; modern au, hanahaki au

a/n: finally wrote the aventurine exes hanahaki au lol ,, had no idea how to finish this but i might make a part 2 !! :3

ever since you had started dating aventurine, you felt like you were a burden to him in some way. but you were never sure if you were actually a burden to him, or if that was your mind playing tricks on you.

but last week had just solidified your beliefs.

you both had fought over something petty--you couldn't be bothered to remember what it was--and harsh words had been thrown around in the process.

words that cut deep into you, practically making you bleed out.

and after that?

aventurine had ignored you for the rest of the entire week. he hadn't even glanced in your direction. it was fine if he needed some space to think, but he didn't even tell you, he just started fucking ignoring you.

your efforts to talk to him had just been met by blank uninterested violet eyes.

everything that happened in the last week had all led up to yesterday.

you stood in front of his door, swallowing your nerves. why were you so nervous?

after everything that happened, everything you felt, everything he said, you didn't think you could handle a relationship at that point.

so, when aventurine answered the door, his blonde hair unruly and lavender eyes tired, you took a deep breath and finally said the words you had been so scared of saying.

"i want to break up."

now, you were rethinking your decision.

on one hand, it felt like a large weight had been lifted off your shoulders.

on the other hand, breaking up with him had left you in your current predicament: crouched on the cold tiled floor of your apartment, hurling up bright yellow marigolds. you coughed them up, unwillingly watching as they hit your newly polished floor. they hit the ground ungracefully, clumped together with a disgusting mixture of mucus and blood. you gagged on the flowers as the sickly sweet smell of the marigolds hit you, making you feel lightheaded and sick to your stomach.

you didn't think you would get the disease again after aventurine asked you out.

you had it once, albeit briefly. it was before you had even talked to aventurine, too scared to do so. maybe it had been your shyness, or maybe you were just scared of rejection. you weren't too sure which, but it had caused you to cough out a few lemon yellow petals.

but, as quickly as the disease had started, it had ended. aventurine talked to you and started getting close to you, and your hanahaki had eventually diminished into nothing. after that, you thought it would never start again.

but you guessed you were wrong, since the disease decided to plague you.

marigold petals--slick with mucus--fell out your mouth as you coughed your lungs out. they fell almost gracefully onto the small flower pile.

you took fast and shaky breaths, collapsing. you were too exhausted to move, the hanahaki sucking all the life out of you.

it had been a week now, and the disease had just gotten worse. at this rate, it would only take a month or two until you suffocated on the fucking marigolds.

you could talk to aventurine, but he would probably just ignore you again.

you could get the surgery, but you would rather die than forget aventurine. you still loved him.

at this point, you couldn't do anything but hope that the disease would just somehow go away.

aventurine was growing increasingly worried as the days passed.

he hadn't seen you at all after you had broken up. sure, that was normal, but his gut told him something was wrong.

horrible thoughts of what could've happened to you plagued his mind, and he couldn't take it anymore.

he grabbed his keys, his coat, and headed towards your apartment.

maybe it was an invasion of privacy, but even your friends felt as if something were terribly wrong. he'd just check on you once, and never speak to you again. you'd be okay with that, right?

aventurine had knocked about a dozen times by now, but had received no answer.

he swallowed. he still had a spare key to your apartment, but what if you didn't want him to come in? what if you were just busy? what if he was breaching your privacy?

he took a shaky inhale.

fuck it.

he stepped inside your apartment, and was hit by the extremely potent smell of marigolds.

he glanced around, and froze at what he saw.

#୨୧ -- aventurine #aventurine x reader #aventurine #hsr aventurine #hanahaki #hanahaki au #modern #modern au #angst #hanahaki disease #light angst #shy reader #how to angst #aventurine come home #pls #might make a part 2 #you can tell i've never been in a relationship before #anyways hopefully yhis was acceptable

287 notes · View notes

kniveschaudefender · 6 months

Note

hi !! can you do a gideon graves x male!reader who owns a flowershop? (if you dont do male readers thats ok lol, gn!reader is good too)

Better than Any Boquet

(a Gideon Graves x male flowershop owner! reader)

EEE MY FIRST REQUEST !! (TYSM ANON IM LITERALLY SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS) ALSO I DO ALL GENDER READERS !! SO MALE READER ISNT A PROBLEM AT ALL !!! ^_^ (ALSO I WILL SAY THAT THIS SUUUUUPER LONG. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT ANY SHORTER BUT PLS DONT BLAME ME IM BARELY STARTING 🙁 ) BUT I RLLY DO HOPE U ENJOY BC THIS HONESTLY TOOK ME SO LONG TO PUT TOTHER. BUT THANK U AGAIN !!! <3333 (also this isnt proofread so)

Gideon had been acting..strange lately. The league noticed, his employees noticed, even he noticed ! But, nobody could seem to pinpoint what exactly it was.

He had been going out more, being a little bit less harsh on certain people, and the biggest thing people noticed was the amount of flowers around now. Of course nobody dared to ask, heavens no ! But still, it was strange. It’s not like he was a big fan of the flowers himself, but for some reason he had so many around.

Eventually, it had started as a routine. Day after day he would do the exact same thing ! Saying he needs to go do something ‘important’ out, taking his leave, and ending up in the local flowershop. But why ? Its not like he was there for the flowers, no. He had a better reasons.

He walks in, his mind somewhere else before hearing something that completely snapped him out of it. A simple, “Good morning, Mr, Graves!”

< Thats > what he was here for.

The nice owner, thats what he was here for! How could we forget? How could he forget such a nice boy, the same boy who helps him every day no matter how many questions he asks or how many times he ends up repeating them. He even remembered his name! Not by the fact that he’s THE Gideon Graves, but by the fact that he comes in every day to his shop !

Will he ever admit its for him? Maybe later. But right now? Certainly not ! He can’t lose such a ‘friendship’ with this lovely boy he’s met ! For now, he simply comes in, looking for him at the desk in the front. Asking things such as “How do I take care of these?” or “What type of flowers would go best with this event ?” . Simple things to hide the fact that he’s only there to see him and to hear him talk.

After about an hour of mindless questions and small talk, he comes home, once again with a boquet of flowers in hand. He couldn’t help it ! He HAD to buy flowers every time he’d go in there, or he’d leave feeling a bit bad. So, there he goes, grabbing another empty vase and putting some water in it, then placing the flowers inside.

He sighed, looking around at all the flowers he now had. How long could he keep this up ? How long could he push his feelings for this boy away and just keep going and buying flowers, never making a move?

It honestly didn’t take long, he was running out of room for flowers and was so head over heels he couldn’t help himself anymore.

Though, for the first time he couldn’t help but feel a bit afraid. Would you like him? I mean yeah, he does have quite the name and ego, not to mention the billions he has in cash, but would you really find him attractive? He guessed he’d just have to find out.”

He spent about a week thinking about this.

Infact, he spent the whole time trying to distract himself, he had forgotten to go to the flowershop. After the week, he had finally decided to go say something. Thats when he remembered. He spent the whole week away from YOUR presence after being there non-stop for a few months!

Now he was really worried. He probably made you sick thinking something must have happened since he stopped coming for a whole week!

So, off he went! Sprinting down the street to the flowershop, holding on to his glasses for life. His plan? Say everything through a letter. He couldnt get himself to say it to your face, no matter how big of an ego he had.

He comes in, pushing the door open, almost falling over as he catches his breath before looking up. And there you were, making direct eye contact with him as you out new fresh flowers in a certain section.

“Mr. Graves! There you are! I was wondering where you’d been.” You say, giving him that same, sweet smile.

“Please..call me Gideon.” He says, closing the door behind him as he comes in entirely. “I have something..a bit more important for you this time.” “Anything! What do you need, Gideon?” He liked how you had listened without a question.

“I need a boquet of roses, the best ones you’ve got, and I need you to put this letter in there. But, I’d like you to read it first.” He says, handing the note to him. “I need these by 5 p.m today, and I’d like for you to write me a reply on the letter of what you think.”

With that he mutters a “Thank you” and runs out quickly, not even giving you a chance to respond.

You stand there, a bit dumbfounded. But, there was no need to go chase him down and question him. It seemed simple enough. So, you grab the roses, picking the best ones as he’d asked. Then, the letter.

You grab the letter, opening it slowly, then is when you get met with something..suprising.

“Sorry about the leave, I couldn’t be here for this. All these visits were never about the flowers, it was about you. I wanted to get closer, but never knew how. I’ve liked you for all these months, and never knew how to truely say it. You were always too kind, and quite the handsome man too, giving me that smile every day I walked in, no matter how clueless I was about anything. Especially the flowers. But you always listened to me. But, I do love you and everything you do a lot. And I would love to have you by my side. Because to me, you’re better than any boquet.”

#gideon graves x reader #gideon graves #scott pilgrim x reader #scott pilgram vs the world #scott pilgram takes off #x reader stories #fluff #??? idk #i love gideon #thank u sm anon #writer #new writers on tumblr #vancesrambles

262 notes · View notes

sscrubberhose · 2 months

Note

Ya got any dialtown headcanons? :3

hooo boy. ive been chewing on this all day and I think i have a decent amount to say!

Spoilers for Dialtown!

Tw for mentions of suicidal ideation and religious guilt

Phone/Typegingi:

-Is aware of everything that happens in my fics but forgets

-is more aware of how people perceive them than people give them credit for, wants to make everyone happy

-has a strong fear of being alone, which is why they bother people so relentlessly. if they were to be fully ignored for an extended period of time they would have a breakdown

-Has both the phone and the typewriter head and can change them out at will, dont ask where they keep them.

-has bitten theoroar many, many times and will do so again. is even more fearful and hateful of him after the zoo explosion

-has a lot of love to give and genuinely prefers being around their friends

-has a level of intelligence that is genuinely sort of surprising sometimes. this intelligence is used at random

-is surprisingly easy and hard to kill at the same time

-the narrator is actually a separate entity to them who cares about them very much

-seems to be passively suicidal but no one can tell if theyre joking or not

-roger rabbit rules, whatever biology is funniest is what they have

-perceived height changes based off of this rule as well. no one notices.

-breaks into town hall once a month for funsies

-enjoys sweet things quite a bit

-autistic beast

Randy:

-is actually a decent cartoonist, but rarely draws due to hand pain. likes drawing gingi and oliver the most

-has a lot of religious guilt due to growing up catholic with a very very strict, religious father, left home as soon as he could. also why he is afraid to talk to God.(hobo)

-father harped on him his entire childhood about being a burden, now feels that he owes the world for existing. this is slowly healing.

-due to his upbringing hes still learning how to function as an adult, i.e cleaning, cooking for himself, things like that. hes working on it!

-has sensory issues, has ASD

-fear of cgi animals comes from having to watch weird religious propaganda films for kids when he was young. he is getting over it thanks to oliver.

-extremely observant and notices things a lot of people don't, but usually doesnt say anything for fear of being annoying

-knows shooty and stabby on a first name basis(not that he knows whos who)

-sees Norm as a father figure but would never admit that

-has a long list of phobias that hes working on recovering from, but is too nervous to go to therapy for

-has a LOT of plushies in the ticket booth that Oliver and Gingi have given him, refuses to get rid of any of them

-taking the bandage off wont instantly kill him, he doesn't know this.

-can skateboard, does not do this often

-gets sick very easily, has to be forced to rest as he tries to insist hes not sick

-is roommates with Oliver, they have a bunk bed

-got his number changed so the hotline wasnt tied to him anymore

-is actually a good singer, never sings due to thinking he sucks. Will hum to himself while working at the ticket booth

Karen;

-Has actually gotten fairly close to the other datables since the conclusion of the game, doesnt know how to express this

-Visits Dialtown for a few months out of the year to catch up and spend time with her friends

-part of her contract with helping rebuild was better wages for those who worked at the bank. It took a lot of arguing but she felt that no one should suffer like she did.

-expresses her love for her friends by making them ponysonas. Is a huge pegasister. will infodump about it for hours to anyone who will listen

-enjoys botanical illustrations the best, next to drawing horses

-draws horses with normal horse heads as a form of abstraction

-puts capsaicin oil in her paints so Gingi will stop drinking them. This did not work.

-enjoys vintage movies and game shows and talks at length with Oliver about them when they go out for coffee or dinner together.

-she and randy doodle together sometimes

-also has severe sensory issues and has safe outfits she wears. will cry if she has to touch certain fabrics. (LOOKING AT YOU CRUSHED VELVET)

-safe foods are microwave dinners and pasta, but she keeps her diet balanced.

-her and Norm get along now and will sometimes go for hikes and chat about life(and ways to wrangle gingi)

-allergic to shrimps

-can play piano

Oliver:

-Got a new therapist who doesnt think hes weird or annoying(it didnt phase him but thats not groovy to say to someone)

-has POTS, often needs to sit down at work so he doesnt faint.

-is a HUGE horror fan, could tell you everything about the behind the scenes of every major and minor horror movie to come out in the last decade.

-works as a haunt actor for the Dialtown Haunted House every single Halloween, wants to run it someday

-has a log of every new thing he notices about Gingis biology, the log is three books long now.

-Really wants to run a youtube channel where he does amateur ghost hunting with randy, has yet to convince randy that this is a good idea

-is very physically affectionate, though he does ask permission first before touching anyone!

-Has had top and bottom surgery and is comfortable where his transition is, thankfully his insurance under Mr. Dickens covered it! (Mingus isnt a TOTAL monster)

-has a digital scrap book of all his favorite memories with his friends

-makes rage comics unironically.

-favorite color is actually black, red just seems to be his thing!

-has been legally adopted by Mr. Dickens but decided to keep his last name as Swift because "it was rad."

-is actually friends with most of the ghosts and poltergeists that live in the cinema/scareshack

-kept the popcorn and soda dispensers, but got the soda dispensers to dispense SODA and not...whatever the fuck it was doing before.

-helped renovate the basement of the cinema into a haunted maze that he helped design, the theme changes once a year!

-got those unicycle lessons and knows how to juggle as well!

-likes rollerskating, has Heelys on all the time

-allergic to peanuts

-can play guitar

Norm:

-Is aware that Gingi sees the face on the sticky note change and thinks its sort of funny

-Is actually good friends with God and the two go out to lunch once or twice a month

-enjoys fishing and will take Randy and Oliver on fishing trips, Gingi usually follows regardless of invite.

-Sees himself as a father figure to most of the dateables, and is willing to fill in that role.

-apologized to Karen for his behavior by baking her fresh bread. is actually an extremely good cook

-irises and pupils are both void black due to exposure to the wormhole. He has not noticed this. Eyes used to be honey brown.

-Has to stop Mingus from doing a new evil scheme once a month, has a spray bottle for this purpose.

-does actually have other outfits for when the space suit needs to be washed, is never seen outside the house when this happens

-Oliver, Karen, and Randy have seen his real face, they were like "cool" as Gingi is just...far weirder.

-i imagine him as strawberry blonde. Short hair, either buzz cut or just short. maybe some stubble. I dont have a good image of what his face looks like, it is just bag to me

-not great at public speaking but REALLY good at pretending to be

-is actually very good at using technology but will sometimes pretend not to be just to tease Oliver.(it works every time)

-can also play guitar

Bigfoot:

-...no.

-okay okay i have one. You could use his fur to make yarn IF you washed it. You will never be able to get close enough to brush him though.

Misc headcanons:

-heads can be repurposed after death, like cadaver bones!

-the more popular headtype for modern business men and women is a laptop

-after what happened to Callum Crown, the answering machines function was completely separated from memory storage

-Snakes have syringes for heads

-peter and his wife are poly and want roger to be their third, but roger is as dense as a brick and peters too formal to just say it out loud.

-Harry and Jack are a couple in this universe, Jack is just a very odd boss to work for regardless

-Billy is Abel's kid. The mother is unknown. probably a one night stand.

-the swans miss randy :(

-there are a few headtypes that are banned for various reasons, one of which is having a megaphone AS your head.

-Roger is autistic and has a stutter, and sometimes has to use ASL to communicate. Peter knows ASL for this reason

-The Narrator could talk to the others, but only if it was an emergency

-all Dialtown OCs are canon. theyre in town somewhere, having fun and living their lives!

-Dialtown is bigger than shown in game, including the town square which has a fountain and a park surrounding it, as well as a skate park, rec center, arcade, a pizza place, etc.

-all the dateables have met satan at least once, they just didnt know thats who that was

-shooty and stabby are dating, theyre just very bromance about it. good for them...

-rotery phone heads are coming back in fashion as a sort of 'retro' vibe.

-getting prosthetics/emergency plastic surgery and medical care is actually quite accessible.

-jerry and his wife come visit dialtown every christmas soley so that gingi doesnt run all the way out there to visit them and get hopelessly lost. theyre doing quite well!

-there are competent members of the dialtown mob but they dont really do much other than hang out at the bar

if i think of anymore Ill let you know!! thanks for askin!

#dialtown #answered #text post #headcanon #sorry this was so bloody long

30 notes · View notes

yokakaiju · 4 months

Text

i got bored and made a tierlist based off who smokes the most weed

justifications under cut

so like i made this cause its funny first and foremost, but i did put like somewhat actual thought into this. not much, but synapses were firing in my brain putting this together

also im not tagging everyone, ill just like pick 2 or whatevs

okay so first up is chidaruma. dude prolly invented weed ngl. you know he's smoked everyway imaginable: blunt, pipe, bong, can, apple, vape, synthesized, edible, hotbox, blower; you name it, he's done it. he's kinda over it, but he's still up there just cause like... idk he is and won't take criticism

haru is a beautiful weed smoking gf thats literally it

13's entire schedule is probably wake up, smoke, jerk off, sleep, eat, smoke, jerk off, eat, smoke, repeat. he also would probably kin jesse pinkman

ton is a bitch and smokes all the cross-eye commanders weed. like they'll save up for MONTHS to get like 5oz (one for each of them :3) and he'll be like, "woah! a bag of weed!" and smoke it ALLLLLL in like an hour. he's like a truffle pig for weed, they can try to hide it but his ass always finds it and smokes it all. he would prolly also call it za or skunk or some shit like that

ebisu isn't quite in the high 24/7 catagory, but she could be. dawg loves weed, like she is also 100% a fucking master at rolling blunts she rivals chidaruma at it. rolling blunts is like a sport for her tbh

aikawa's gotta cope dawg. like if he aint at school or currently being possed by demons his ass is smokin that shit bruh he needs a minute to chill. also he's got crazy money (kai's money but shhh) so he might as well spend it on his pookie <3 (risu)

noi may be controversial being up so high, but hear me out. weed smoking gf? i think yes B) mogs at you

asuka also has to cope, but its cause shes a blackpilled femcel (her own words i stg)

chota would smoke, but he hates the smell and doesn't want it to ruin his clothes and shit. he prolly wears like silk gowns and dances around to madonna while trippin off like 10g. he's livin the life tbh

OKAY HEAR ME OUT HEAR ME OUT HEAR ME OUT johnston. fucking johnston is only i repeat ONLY UP HERE‼️ because kasukabe gives him those little non thc thc pills people give to dogs with anxiety and agression issues to keep him calm

poor dokuga cant share with his besties so he's been condemed to eating edibles alone... also smoking/inhaling smoke makes him drool a bit so like a bit deadly for everyone around him to even try. i like, debated on putting him in never, but tetsujo prolly cooks smth up for him so he doesn't feel left out <3

natsuki is only at the top of sometimes because she probably would more if she had money. also she sucks in a blunt rotation cause her ass ALWAYS WITHOUT FAIL tries to hold it in and always coughs like a mfer and taps out after like one hit

vaux just makes sense. he looks like an average 30-40smth nu metal oldhead, theres no way he DOESNT smoke at least a little. id put him in 100% but he's also a fairly responsible doctor so liek idk

kasukabe doesnt as much anymore, mostly only when he's with haru, but he still does sometimes for funsies cause he's just chiil like that :3

tetsujo doesn't thattt much cause it fucks with his already dog shit depth perception super bad, but sometimes if ton or the others dont find it he shares it with dokuga and they like yuri pose and eat edibles together or smth idk

ik kaiman is gonna be controversial being so low, but listen. 1) his ass is too focused on socerers and shit to care 2) he's dirt poor. he simply cannot afford it 3) how tf is he gonna smoke with no lips? that blunt would just get chewed to shit. like genuinely he would maybe get one singular edible if nikaido or vaux were feeling nice, but other than that its like, idk almost never for him

i would but shin in never, but ik noi is like "boss!!!! come take hits off this bong with me!! its gonna be so sick omg you HAVE to come smoke with me RN!!!!" and he'd be like "sighhhhhh... anything for my weed smoking gf ig..."

ushishimada is only so low cause i feel like he's too mothery to smoke a lot? like, he's too responsible, but not responsible enough to outright say no. also they're poor asf and ton always smokes it all

fukuyama would get his ass kicked by tanba if he found out, but ik dawgs gotta take a load off sometimes tbh

now again, controversial take but i have reasons. risu is so fucking poor. like, genuinely he is too worried about his tuition, bills, and groceries to give af about it (also cause aikawa is a bitch and makes him pay for everything cause "i forgot my wallet oopsie :3c"). now aikawa does supply him tho and he hooks him up with the primo shit ong. so at least when he does smoke he smokes that good shit (also they yuri pose as well while they smoke)

again, saji is too mommy to smoke that much weed (also another case of being too poor). bro doesn't want his clothes and needlework to smell like shit, which i respect

ai 100% would if his ass wasnt so busy with his damn self expiramentation bs. like, he wants to smoke so bad tbh, but he's like "sigh i gotta work on my plans to rebuild my body from the ground up.. maybe tomorrow" stares longingly out the window imagining how cool smoking weed is

again, kai's over here fuckin "i have to go to work" like he genuinely just doesn't care or have time. he's never even thought about it tbh, like you're tellin me this mfer has had a single thought outside of total domination in his entire existance??? HELL NAH HIS ASS DOES NOT THINK HE HAS ZERO THOUGHTS IN HIS HEAD I STG

now this may also be controversial. why isn't by beautiful coquette cottagecore angelcore babe out there rolling and smoking the fattest blunts known to man? turkey just like doesnt feel it. its not for her tbh. she tried smoking, she tried edibles. she just wasnt a fan tbh. like, she'll cook up some of the tastiest edibles you've ever had if you ask, but she just aint a fan

kirion also just doesn't feel it tbh. again, its not for her and thats alright

wow surprise surprise another controversial take. like, before you get mad just think abt it for a sec. like, she's so fucking business first and always has been that i think she would just see it as a major hinderance on her job performance, as well as the performance of her employees later down the line. now im not saying she's a narc or hardass about it, im saying she just doesn't feel it. the high she gets from people enjoying her food and making money is enough for her tbh. also she does do edibles sometimes, but mostly like when it rains in hole to make it a little less miserable and painful

en is about the same. like, he def has. he's just like, idk. he doesnt wanna. its not for him anymore. he doesn't care if anyone in the family does it, but they better not sacrifice the quality of their work for it. like if he catches you high on the job its prolly like some sort of repremanding, but off the clock he dont gaf

genuinely copy paste nikaidos shit for tanba. he's too worried about his business to even consider smoking weed

now... kawajiri is a fucking narc and a half. his ass would be like "erm ☝️🤓 well actually" and then give a big long speech about how weed is bad blah blah blah whatever no one cares dawg stop fuckin yappin. but like, he's just pissed cause no one will smoke with him or share their weed with him cause he's such a hardass

fujita is kinda weed smoking gf coded, but like ik his ass would be like "EN! EN! I SAW EBISU SMOKING A BLUNT THE SIZE OF HER OWN FOREARM AND TRYING TO SHARE IT WITH KIKURAGE!!! YOU NEED TO STOP HER RN!!!!" but hes only like this cause when he was in a blunt roation with shin, noi, and ebisu they all told him holding it in made you higher, but he ended up puking and they all laughed at him and made fun of him for it because hes a fucking idiot. so now he's an evil little narc who squeals to en when he even catches a whiff of a skunk like scent

curse is a bitch and ik his ass is like "RAAAHHHH‼️ I GOTTA GO KILL THE CROSS-EYES BOSS RAHHH‼️ I NEED TO SEEK REVENEGE FOR MY MURDER RAHHHHHH‼️" like dawg chill tf out be so real rn. he's too focused on revenge and shit to smoke and like, i think if he did smoke and kai also smoked they'd have beautiful hot sexy yaoi, thats just me tho

oh my god shou is such a bitch about it. like sure kawajiri gives lectures about the "scary true reality of weed" and fujita is a narc, but this guy. oh my god this mfer. THIS IS THE REAL REASON EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT HIM ITS CAUSE THEY KNOW HIS ASS IS GONNA WHINE AND BITCH AND MAKE YOU GO TO LIKE AA OR NA OR WHATEVER FOR IT!!!! HE'LL START CALLIN YOI AND ADDICT AND SAYIN ITS A GATEWAY AND SHIT AND HOW THE DEVILS WILL IMMEDIATLY DRAG YOI TO HELL AND TORTURE YOU FOREVER IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT OH MY BALLS

kikurage is literally just a dog dawg. her ass dont even know what weed is

store crow mauler is like... idk man. idk how it would smoke weed or if it even knows or cares what weed is. whatever, its kinds like a pet so whatevs

#dorohedoro #drhdr #ドロヘドロ #kaiman #nikaido #risu drhdr #aikawa drhdr #shitpost #vin speaks

52 notes · View notes

hirik0 · 10 months

Text

Save with you Part 2

part 1

09Soap/Ghost Omegaverse AlphaSoap, OmegaGhost

Ghost just want to die he puked his insites out for the last 2 days and now had a very annoying fever. Dr Bloomberg explained to him that this is a mix off the new drug and the reaction of his body brutaly been forced out of heat. She also told him that he will stay here for at least a week, while he puked nearly all over her shoes he stoped feeling bad about it. He is so hungry, but with the fact that he just stoped punking nearly 3 hours ago they stay with intravenous infution to keep him alive, they told him he can eat something when hes not puking for a minium of 24 hours and then it will only be soup. The only think he to lift his mood is Price visiting him. He clearly will put a stop to Dr. Bloombergs ridiculous ideas of him getting a mate. He also hopes shes wrong about him going in heat on a regular basis, this cant happen. He will just not exept this. One heat, its a coincidence maybe stress realted he will not begin to have a cycel again. He dont need a mate, and still everytime hes thinking about this topic a sea brise and the smell of jew is hauting his nose. Honestly a improvement to the constant smell of puke that is stucked in his nose. He also so fucking tired and from time to time a headache is causing him to get nausish again. The only reason hes not throwing up again are the medication they gave him against it.

When Price finally visites Ghost, the fever is getting worse. Price looks at him with concern and a hint of pity. "Price", Ghost says whinnie he just wants to sleep the fever making his hole body feel like a oven everymuscleis hurting. "You look like shit", Price says having to fight down his Alpha instincts because Ghost is very a sick Omega at the moment and dont need or want to be babied. "Thanks I worked really hard on it", Ghost jokes rasing Price mood a bit with his shitty comment. "Dr. Bloomberg told me that your reaction to the get a mate idea being a big no. If they have to put you in a coma all the time you can't work anymore." Ghost makes a displeased face at this, it's not like he ignores his health, he just dont need a mate. "I made a list off Alphas that will help you through your heats, if they are now coming back regular. I'm so sorry Simon." hearing the truthfulness in Price voice makes this just so much worse. "Who?", Ghost presses throw his teath, half hiding his face in the pillow. "Roach, Ozone, Soap and me", Price answers and hearing about Soap making him feel a little bit better. And if he wasn't so sick this would have ticked of a alarm in his head. Still he's making a pleased pure that Price picks up on. "Dr. Bloomberg is getting a expert on how trauma is effecting heats on the base, please don't kill her." Ghost wants to answer a yes Sir, but instead he puke on Price boots. "Get better soon Simon", he just says while his Alpha instincts scream at him to take care of the sick Omega.

The expert Professor Kim Hastings, is a small Omega woman, with the most annoying personality Ghost ever meet. She's the cliche of a bubbly, happy Omega, most Alpha claim to want but could not handel. Dr. Bloomberg looks like this is even to much for her. "Professor please remember what I told you about the Lieutenant", Dr. Bloomberg says clearly picking up the annoyance of Ghost after the Professor introduced herself and her research. "Of course I'm sorry. I just get very excited to talk about my research, like al scientist", Hastings answers in a lot more toned down voice. "So, I was told a lot of 'that's classified' about your past. I was told you survived several months as a prisoner and didn't had a heat till the end of last week. This is no heat in 7 years, that's the longest time I heard of. Usally my patients come to see me after 2-3 years. Many get very unsettled with out going in heat so long, I gues Omegas that dont have problem with not having a heat also would not reach out to me." Ghost just blinks at her unimpressed he really would prefer that it wasn't necessary for her to be here. "I was also told by Dr. Bloomberg that you would prefer to not get heats again." Ghost just nods, carefully listing for judgement in her voice finding non. "It's possible that this is just a stress heat, but this depends a bit on how you felt at the beginning of the heat." "What to you mean?", Ghost ask starting to bite his lower lip. "My patients often say their heat get triggered by a person that makes them feel extremely save. Often a potential mate or their mate. But they are also not in the military so this could not be the case here. You are honestly my first Omega solider, so i dont have any data to pull from. So please tell me a bit about what the last mission in very vague terms." Ghost feels like something is try to force itself in to his consciousness, scratching, howling, tearing at the walls he built around himself as a form of protection. "Captain MacTavish and I where on a 3 month surveillance mission in Asia." "Is the Captain a Alpha?" "Yes." Ghost heart is starting to race. "You know eachother for a long time?" "5 years." Dr. Bloomberg nervously looking at how Ghost heart rate is rising, smelling how Ghost scent is filling the room. Prof. Hastings just nods to herself writing down something on her notepad. "You would say he's a good Alpha?" "I guess yes?" Ghost answers unsure not having to think about this in a long time, the Professor clearly used to Omegas not able to give a clear answer to this. He don't like this, this is reaching uncomfortable territory his Omega instincts are rising like a phoenix out of the ashes after being not part of his live for 7 years, while is heart is trying to leave his rip cage. "When did you notice first indicators of a heat aproaching?" "On the flight back to base." "Is it possible you didn't notice it before because you where focused on the mission?" "It's possible." Ghost swallos, his scent is getting more prominent with every question. "What did you feel and I dont mean heat symptoms." Reality is bulldozing over Ghost. The word SAVE flashing in bright lights and gigantic letters in his brain. He felt save, because he was with Soap. He sees Soap as a potential mate. "Save", he says in a oddly empty way.

To Professor Hastings credit she didn't showed her exitment over this. She's learned the hard way that not all her patients like this part of the trauma healing journey, most of them got their trauma from a piece of shit Alpha in the first place. "If it makes thinks a little bit better, your next heat is atleast 6 months away, so a lot of time to figure everything out." Ghost don't think this makes anything better, he don't want to figure thinks out, he wants thinks to stay the same. Rage is filling Ghost up, about the situation, the feeling of absolute lost of control over his live, his stupid body and his stupid instincts for choosing bloody MacTavish as a potential mate. Dr. Bloomberg wants to say something but the Professor stops her clearly knowing that Ghost needs to come to terms on his own. The two women are leaving the room.

"You can call me when their are complications with his recovery, also don't push him. It will just damagethe process, from now one everything is going to happen in his speed", the Professor explains with a serious look on her face. "This man is so bloody stubborn, I honestly would prefer this was just a stress heat", Dr Bloomberg sighs, knowing that Ghost will end up in medical the second his next heat is coming. "Can I meet Captain MacTavish?", Hastings asks so she can give a prognosis on parts of the recovery. "No. If you weren't the only expert in the UK you wouldn't even have seen the Lieutenant." "But my research", the Omega protests not willingto get pushedaroundby a Alpha. "Professor you just talked with the most dangerous solider on this base nothing of this will go in your research. People kill to get the tiniest information on him. Your notes will stay on this base, otherwise your in a lot of shit with the government and the taskforce", Dr Bloomberg states in a final tone that there will be no exceptions. "Are you threatening me Doctor?", the Omega ask getting a bad feeling about the situation. "No, but the higher ups only agreed to let you see the Lieutenant because they want him back in the field, they don't care about your research. But your patients care about you and need you, it's not worth it Professor Hastings. Just give me your notes." The Omega swallow at how with out any emotional the Alpha said it. It is not a threat of the doctor, its just the facts of the situation. "What if I need to come back?" "You can look at them then. To refresh you memory." "What if I have a thought about the situation if I'm not allowed to have any notes of base?" The Alpha looks at her with a stern expression. "You don't have these." " So I should just pretend I was never here?" "Yes." Professor Hastings mouth drops open, to what exactly did she agree here? "What is the Lieutenant like a James Bond or something like this?" Bloomberg laughts at this before saying: "It's close enough. But I think even James Bond would look under his bed to makes sure the Lieutenant is not under it." Hastings is laughing nervously hopeing this is just some strange military joke. "When I told you this Omega is the most dangerous solider on base I meant it", the Doctor says to make clear she was not joking. Which shacking hands the Professor give up her notes.

Ghost wants to crawl up the walls of this room over 2 weeks he's in medical now and he just wants to go. He has to much time to think, about Soap being a potential mate, about how much it hurts that Soap didn't visited him ones since Dr Bloomberg gave the green light and he don't randomly throws up any more. Archer and Ozone were good sports about it, telling him that they understand the joke are so bad you want to puke. They also talked about the plan for his heat so that all three of them agree to the same thing. Roach and Price also ask about what to do if Ghost goes into heat again, the only one missing is Soap. Theoretical one of the other could just tell him, its just logistics really, but it fucking hurts. Everyone in the taskforce came to visit just not the person he wants to see. He trys to rationalise it, Soap is a Captain so he has lot of thinks to do and it just simply dosent fit in his full schedule. A very unhelpful part of his brain reminds him that before the incident, Soap would sometimes do paperwork while visiting him in medical, so it can't be his schedule. The next thing is that Soap had to be on a mission, just because he's in a coma for 4 days and then 2 weeks sick because they gave him some new shit don't mean that Soap is not needed in the field. But Roach would ask him everytime if Soap had shown up, becoming angrier and angrier with every no. The only logical conclusion is Soap don't want to see him and this hurts. Does Soap sees him as less now because he's an Omega? Fuck, he needs to get out of here. Unknown to Ghost Roach is screaming at Soap right now about exactly why he can't just go visit Ghost for 15 minutes. "Just go and visit him, Soap. You can continue to throw your pity party after you where there", Roach screams not carrying if anybody overhears, he lost his patience seeing how it clearly hurts his best friend that Soap is not visiting. The problem screaming at Soap just activates his stubbornness. "Why, it's my fault he ended up there in the first place." "Soap just stop being a fucking wanker for 5 minutes and actully listen to what I'm telling you for 5 days now." "Fine", Soap presses throw his theet. "Ghost wants to see you. He's not blaming you, so for the love of the bloody Queen just go and viste him." Soap bits his lip the now familiar feeling of guilt replacing his stomach growing bigger. "Okey 15 minutes", he finally agrees, because he has the feeling that Roach reached the point he would drag him to Ghost hospital room if he has to. "That's all I'm asking for. And now let's go so you can't chicken out of it." Soap stands up and is taking the file he's working in with him. Ever since Price told him that Ghost is allowed visitors he's found a sudden interested in keeping the recruit files up to date.

Ghost looks up from his book and sees how Roach is pushing Soap in the room before closeing the door again. He raises his evebrow in a silent question while Saop sits down on the chair next to his bed. His insticts are telling him to pure because Soap is finally here. Not caring that's not by choice. "Eh, Roach was very convincing that i should finally show up here", Soap states a bit emberrased. Ghost just keeps his eyebrow up. Time starts to streach itselfe while they look at eachother in uncomfortable silence. Ghost us looking at Soap, Soap seem to found a very interesting spot on the floor. Soaps heart is ponding, he feels like he will throw up, not knowing what to say, where to start. His instincts roaring to finally being able to scent the Omega. "Im, sorry", Soap finally says. "For what exactly?", Ghost ask unsure, picking the skin at his finger nails. "It's my fault you're in this situation isn't it?" Ghost looks at him confused, stops the movement of his fingers for a short moment. "What do you mean?", Ghost ask for further clarification. "Your heat, I mean I must have triggerd it, it was just us for 3 months.", Soap explains his train of thought, starting to bounce his legs because of his own nerves. "Soap, from what i understand the expert said, this was actully my fault, if anyone has to be at fault." Soap looks up from the floor to finally meet Ghost eyes. "What?" "Its something with me healing from Roba, that's what triggert the heat", Ghost explains vaguely not wanting to go in to more detail. "Thats good right?", Soap ask unsure, feeling relieved but also that Ghost is hiding something from him. "Im not sure yet, but.." ,Ghost stops mid sentence clearly debating with himself if he should continue. "But?", Soap encourages, needing to know. "But Im glad it happend around you, because I know you would never do something like Roba to me anyone", Ghost finishes the sentence. Claim the thought is burning itself in Soaps brain, his instincts want to claim Ghost, make him his mate, making sure the Omega is feeling save. "Did you not viste because you thought i would blame you?", Ghost ask dreading the answer. Soap dont answers verbaly but the face hes making is telling Ghost everythink he needs to know.

#call of duty #simon ghost riley #ghostsoap #gary roach sanderson #captain mactavish #alpha soap #omega ghost #omegaverse #captian price #alpha price #alpha roach #john soap mactavish

32 notes · View notes

eyeless-jack62002 · 2 months

Text

You know im mentally fucked when im here again

Also to those posting in these tags u can put the squiggle line so ur not jumpscaring ppl and less likely to get reported so fast.

Not me on my 3rd acc. Tho yall really help me stay clean. My partner started back in Novemberish maybe sooner. Right after our 4 y anniversary. And then she just dropped it on me. She knew i was trying to stay clean for her and i was doing such a good job. I only thought about it and would scroll here to "get my fix" its an addiction and i dont think ppl realize that. She brought my favorite drvgs into the house and hid it from me for months. Tho she doesnt even know i have a tumblr. Shes starting therapy now finally. And me too. I have an appt next week. I havent been since i was 12. Im scared. I dont trust therapists. I wish i could just cvt head to toe. All over everywhere. Id be exactly how i wanna be. I want this. But i cant. Gotta be around for my partner. Even tho she didnt want to for me. I told her if she wanted we could together but that we wouldnt be same ever again. I wish shed said yes but thats just jack. He clouds my thoughts with his own. Ik im sick. I wish she never told me. Ive been spiraling for months but i have to shove that down so i can help her get better. I warned her. She knew i was trying ro get better but she still fucking did it behind my back for months!! I almost broke up with her. I wnated so bad to run away and never see her again. But whats the price of choosing to love someone but urself. Id give my entire being up for her and in a way i do. Ive just been so hurt and its all i can think about. I threw away my fucking stash for her!! I regret that somedays. Today especially. We had to drain our fucking saving acc bc of her. She kept skipping work and we kept having less and less financial stability. Still dont but were starting to recover from that but barely. Its like she fucking ignored all of my advice as someone who has been selfh@rming for over a decade. Fuck what i have to say tho. The worst part of it all she cvt the same way and places as my quail as my ruby did. Fucked. She didnt know that tho. And i was finally fucking comfortable with telling her about my self h@arm and she fucking did it anyways. And she told me as if it was her telling what we her having for dinner. I cant even cry anymore over this. Why does this all still bother me. I have no tears left. I admit i screamed a lot. I hit her cvts slapped them. You didnt feel the pain then but u feel it now?? It hurts now? And she said to me "i thought you would have noticed" so snarky. Why the fuck would i think my partner who knows of my history would fucking betraw me like this. And then to be a bitch about it and ask for MY HELP!?!? TEH FUCKING INSANITY. She doing better now tho. Good for her. Ive never been okay. And i dont think i will be. I dont want to get better. Being sick feels too good. And eventually me subbing out cvting for w33d will get old eventually. It always does. Nothing can scratch this itch i have so badly in me. Its like my insides scream to be let out. Its like an energy that flows out with the red. She doesnt understand what cvtting is for me. She said she wanted to die. But knowing you wont die is what keeps me held. I have sold my soul. Im bound. Ruby stopped when we broke up. And i told her i did as well. I know were both liars but thats why ill always have a place in me for ruby. I love my partnerbut if she wants to replace ruby she can be my guest. But replaceing ruby will just make you into a ruby. And no one wants that. I love my partner and im clean for her. Why couldnt she do that for me.

I feel like im in my wattpad days in here. Jacks old diary. But he likes it here better. Anyways if u made it this far enjoy a gif from one of my current special interest show 🖤 -t and jack

#self h@rm #baby cvts #i want to cvt #s3lf harn #sh tumblr #sh things #s3lf mutilation

5 notes · View notes

bellaramseysgf · 2 years

Text

Nothing anymore (J.B)

Warning(s); angst,FWB to strangers,mentions of smut,fighting,kissing/making out, unrequited love.

Pairing(s); Johnathan Byers x (Afab) Fem! Reader

Summary; After not hooking up for almost a year because of Nancy you decide you dont want to just have benefits.

A/n; first fic for my Johnny boy!! <3 this is kinda sucky I’ve had very low motivation but @toomanybandstocare asks and they shall receive!!🥰

Very lazily proofread so ignore mistakes!!

When you and Johnathan first started your series of hookups it was right after he’d broken up with Nancy. Drunk one night lead to a sloppy make out session where neither of you were thinking straight enough to stop.

After that, it became a weekly occurrence and while Johnny looked innocent he knew his way around a girls body. No one had ever made you cum so hard in your life. You loved the way he fucked you, more importantly the way he let you top a few times.

However, soon nancy got her head screwed back on right and they got back together. While you didn’t like Johnny like that there was still a rather awful sting. Johnathan still talked to you when you’d run into each other or when Joyce would ask you to watch after will. He just wasn’t ever alone, he wasn’t ever without Nancy and Nancy didn’t like you.

She wasn’t rude just wasn’t exactly nice about how she treated you. Nancy knew there was something there, how could she not? Even you could feel the tension between you and Johnny.

As months went on and you moved on nancy and johnathan started to fight more. One night johnathan even kicked her out after she refused to stop talking to Harrington. Of course you were there to comfort him. That was the first time you realized you’d been lying to yourself.

You were in love with Johnathan Byers.

It didn’t come as a surprise that a few days later they broke up. Not even a week after that you saw her and Steve on a date in town, they looked very happy together which only made you feel worse for Johnny.

A few weeks later he showed up at your house soaking wet from the rain that’s been pouring for hours. “Get in here!! You’re gonna get sick!” You scolded and jerked him inside your house. You didn’t even have time to pull his jacket off of him before he was on you. Wet clothes soaking your own as he pinned you to your wall with his body, his lips laving over your own.

You didn’t realize how normal this felt, how it felt right to kiss him. It felt like he was normal, like he was meant to be in your arms, his lips on yours,it felt right.

He wrapped his hands around your thighs lifting you up waking you back until he managed to drop you onto your couch. You finally got a break from his lip on yours gasping for breath. He jerked his wet jacket off throwing it over into a arm chair before he moved to climb over you, he was met with your hand pressing to his chest though.

“Wait- Johnny I…I can’t do this” he sat back giving you room to sit up. “What? Did I do something?” You shook your head and nawed at your bottom lip. “I…uhm” he tilted his head at you “you can tell me anything, you know.” You nodded and sighed. “Johnny I can’t do this anymore because I love you” he shrugged “I love you too” he replied and leaned in to kiss you again.

You stopped him and looked up at him “Johnny…” you whispered and he stared back before his eyes widened. “Oh…uh” he sat down facing away from you. “Johnny..?” You reached out to touch his arm and he jerked away standing up. “Johnny.” You said more sternly “I..I should go” he said and quickly picks up his jacket. “Wait- johnathan!” You stood up following him before he opened your door leaving and slamming it in your face.

You stared at the door for a minute in shock that he just left you like that. Was you loving him that bad? You huffed and just figured the pair of you could talk about it tomorrow.

But the next day when you saw him he blatantly ignored you, even after you called him 4 times. He acted as if you didn’t exist and weren’t standing next to him in the video store. He left after finishing his conversation with Robin leaving you standing there confused.

The day after that he wouldn’t answer any of your calls even though you knew he was home. The day after that one he didn’t show up for work leaving you and Eddie to handle the store without a manager.

You finally caught him when Joyce had called asking you to watch will. Johnathan had work but you were gonna be there 3 hours before he left. He had no choice but to talk to you now.

“Thanks again sweetheart! I appreciate you!” Joyce hugged you and left soon after, you met will in the living room. “Alright kiddo, which game are we gonna play?” Will smiled and started to go through the shelf’s of board games. “I’m gonna go talk to Johnny okay?” He nodded continuing his search.

You knocked on his door walking inside and he sat up “why’re you here?” He asked and you sighed “I’m watching will, but we need to talk. What is going on with you?” He stood up. “Why can’t you just leave me alone? I’ve been ignoring you for days why don’t you just get the hint? I don’t like you!” You shrugged “that’s fine, so you just act like I don’t exist now? Just because I have feelings for you? What are you 5?” He walked over to you in his doorway. “Stay out of my room.” He shoved you out and slammed the door in your face once again.

Months passed and Johnathan became non existent in your life. He acted like you’d never even met,like you weren’t ever friends, like you hadn’t seen each other naked. It was frustrating but what else could you do other then move on.

Eddie took his position as manager and the more time you spent with Eddie the closer the pair of you got. You weren’t dating…yet, but it felt good to have someone so understanding. Someone who wanted you as much as you wanted them.

One night though, Eddie left early and you were locking up when a knock sounded from the back door. You were smart, picking up the box knife that Eddie had left on the counter before you opened it.

“Jesus! Johnathan it’s 9pm!” He didn’t even bother answering just shoving past you. “I came here to apologize” you closed the door sitting the box cutter down. “For what? We haven’t talked in 6 months.” “That.” He replied and took his hood off. “You’re here to apologize for not talking to me?” “For being a dick to you too” you sighed “cut the bullshit.” You stated.

“You’re feeling sorry because I’m moving on. You aren’t sorry for anything else. Face it. You’re just realizing that if I do date someone else you can’t ever fix things. You won’t ever touch me again or kiss me or anything.” He didn’t say anything the pair of you standing in silence.

“I have to close up, leave please” “but- I-….I’m sorry” you nodded “good for you, leave Johnathan, before I call the cops” he gripped your arm “why’re you doing this! Why’re hurting me like this?!” You lost it. You shoved him away from you “why am I hurting you?? Why’d you hurt me?!? You’ve ignore me for half a year johnathan! Without a explanation as to why!! I loved you! Is that so scary? What? Because I’m not done prissy miss perfect I’m not good enough?!?” You were yelling, screaming even.

“You treated me like I was a ghost! Like I didn’t exist to you! I tried! Tried for moths to get you to act differently, I cried because of you, and now…now that I’m fixing myself you’re gonna come destroy it again? What for? For a quick fuck?” Your eyes were watering, your voice straining. “Fuck you!” The front door flew open Steve and Robin running into the store “what’s going on!!” Steve yelled holding a bat.

You sniffled wiping at your eyes “nothing. Make him leave” you said and Steve walked over grabbing Johnathan’s arm. He didn’t put up a fight just let Steve drag him away. “You alright?” Robin asked and you shook your head tears pouring down your cheeks. “Awh, honey come here” Robin pulled your to her chest.

#johnathan byers x reader #johnathan byers #johnathan byers x you #johnathan Byers angst #stranger things fic #stranger things angst

95 notes · View notes

girlwithfish · 2 months

Text

its kinda crazy he smothered me like loll. feels so stupid and lame recounting the same story over and over nothing changes. but i still dk how to process that. some days i feel ive made more peace w everythin and dont feel as strongly and some days like today its more difficult and i think being tired and today not being the best kind of set me up for being more emotionally low abt multiple things in my life. as well as maybe need to stop reading peoples real life stories on reddit abt their abusive male partners bc its more triggering for me than i thought but its hard not to read them :/ idk its just crazy how someone can do something that vile towards u even when you are crying and begging them to stop and saying you cant breathe. literal psycho shit. and i was gaslit for however long into minimizing it even tho deep down i knew it was fucking wrong and i resented him for it but i was treated so dismissively and not taken serious my pain wasnt ever considered so after it happened i was just trained into suppressing it not telling a single person about it not even journaling privately about it just carrying that awful thing w me for idk how long. and i dont even remember when it was bc i didnt document anything mentally or literally and my mind worked so hard to suppress it i justndont have any recollection of when it happened. im guessing either 2023 or late 2022. it makes me angry and sad, and angry bc it is so unjust that he was able to control the narrative once again and determine that that was acceptable behavior and wasnt violent and extremely fucking dangerous too. Would sneer at me and tell me that wasnt smothering or make excuses and act like that isnt inherently Violent and terrible. and even tho i knew it was fucked i was just forced to go along w it even though i resented him for however many months for doing that to me and would bring it up and hed continue to deny it. like i wonder if he fucking remembers that now bc ofc there's been no apology for that specifically but i also have to tell myself i do not seek his validation or acknowledgment bc it is way too late for that and i had to unlearn the gaslighting and manipulation and dismissal and downplaying that he ingrained in me and insisted upon me on my own without him so theres no way i would need him to validate that act or that it happened or was messed up. but part of me still wants that bc even though hes given me surface level apologies and goes on abt his self reflection and discovery that could only occure after he got hit by a bus (enrages me that he now has empathy and some self recognition ig After a traumatic brain injury and months after the breakup) i still did not feel fulfilled by anything he said really. but he is not a person who i seek validation from or value his opinion or perspective at all anymore i never wish to see him or have him in my life again. you dont treat any person like that and yet he countlessly showed me he was okay with treating me violently and terribly and disrespectfully. it makes me sick tbh bc idk how someone does that so easily ur fucked in the head

4 notes · View notes

oncominggstorm · 7 months

Text

Im autistic & adhd. Also have undiagnosed physical health issues which been acting up lately. Really not doing well, need help. Currently in shutdown, include verbal shutdown. And struggling type, forgive grammar plz. Need help & support, but is none. Don’t know what do. Everything feel impossible. Long vent under cut.

Want run away, somewhere no one can find. Somewhere quiet & alone, with internet & tv so can watch comfort shows, play comfort games, etc. But will turn off phone, or get new number, or just block all family except younger sister on everything, or something, idk. Want comfy bed & comfy chairs & good temperature control & good food, and just quiet & solitude. Preferably somewhere out in nature. Let everyone figure out their own shit without me. Can’t do this anymore. ONLY things keeping me from doing are younger sister & lack of money. Mom & twin sister need figure shit out on own, can’t handle anymore. Can’t do.

Dont have a job or any money at all, literally only have $5 (and well over $20k in credit card debt, in collections). Am in autistic burnout & have been for nearly 3 years now. Had quit job in May cuz burnout so bad. But still expected take care of entire family.

Live with dad & twin sister (will call twin). Dad extremely NT & able bodied, dont understand me/twin at all. Knows nothing about autism/adhd & unwilling to learn. Pays bills & does chores so that is helpful, but not willing do any other support. Doesn’t believe in mental health.

Mom & younger sister (will call younger) live with grandma. Younger is 12 yrs younger, i basically raised. Feel almost more like parent than sister. Also is best friend & person i care most about in world, would die for her. Hate seeing her suffer. Twin & younger both also autistic & adhd, and neither have job. Grandma has moderate (bordering on advanced) dementia & need 24/7 supervision & support. Younger currently has busted knee, on crutches & really struggling & lot of pain. Mom refusing to believe is as bad as is, thinks younger is exaggerating, barely helping her. Ive been having drive over nearly daily to help. Mom had multiple strokes 2 years ago, still has both cognitive & physical challenges as result, & just lost job. Mom almost deffo undiagnosed autistic/adhd but refuses to believe. Doesnt believe younger is either (she still undiagnosed, me & twin formal diagnosed recently). Mom never great person, but got much worse after strokes, is mean & bordering on verbally abusive to us (and is DEFFO verbal abusive to grandma). Also has horrible memory & cognitive issues, doesnt understand things correctly, half of what she says doesn’t make sense, makes helping her hard.

Twin sick rn, lots of stomach issue & pain. Found out few months ago has enlarged spleen, but no answer yet, cant see specialist til Dec. Twin also has medical anxiety, so hard to know for sure what is real & what isnt. Every day twin ask me for MULTIPLE favors; get things for her, do things for her, etc. Also get MULTIPLE txts every day complaining about not feeling well, yet she refuse go doctors. Counted once a few days ago: in 11 hour period, asked for 7 favors & texted 13 times about pain.

Even when not sick tho, twin basically never help. Feels like she think I “less disabled” than her, not true. I doing horribly and still have take care everyone else while she sits on couch play video games & ask me to bring her things. No one ever bring ME things. Twin NEVER return favor no matter how bad I do/how well she do. One sided only.

Today twin ask for SO MANY THINGS, CONSTANTLY. Doesnt seem to care that I not doing well either & just CANNOT handle, keeps asking anyway. I tell her how bad am doing & immediately she ask for more favors. Won’t shut up about how sick she is (feeling very “wrong” w/stomach issues, has enlarged spleen but don’t know why yet & is worried that is cause), and says she is NOT OK, and that something is VERY wrong & she is worried she is dying, but also won’t get her ass to ER. Also expect /ME/ take her AND go in with, if decides go. Told her has to ask mom or dad first. Now just won’t go, and instead just keep complain to me about how bad doing & keep asking for help with stuff.

On top of that, am constant worried about all shit mom needs to do: get grandma house in her name so can keep (rn bank gets when grandma dies due to 2nd mortgage or something idk, which will make mom & younger homeless), get grandma car in her name (mom hasnt had own car in like 6+ yrs, just uses gma’s), figure out her unemployment (applied but no check yet cuz needs submit weekly proof of job applications & doesnt know how), get guardianship for grandma (mom never even got power of attorney, and is too late now cuz grandma cant understand to sign, so rn we just stuck cuz grandma not capable make decisions, but legally we cant make for her either), update her resume, get help for grandma, etc. Most of it fall to me. Mom kind of person who just WILL NOT do things, no matter how much help u give (ex: was trying get her accommodations for her job after strokes so wouldnt lose job. Explained process multiple times, both verbally & in writing. Figured out who she needed contact for help & wrote out email for her, ALL she had do was copy & paste & send email. Didnt do it. Now fired cuz couldnt keep up w/out accommodations). Mom also no longer even ask for help, just tells us we are doing. Ex: said to me “I’m going to come over tomorrow so you can help me do my job searches for unemployment.” Just tells me I’m doing it, not even ask. Sick of it. Grandma have dementia, at point where cannot even shower or wash hands, we have no support at all, doing everything ourselves. ADRC says only way to get grandma help is to put lien on her house & sell to pay off when she dies, but mom & younger live with grandma so that would make them homeless once she dies. Says we can’t even get occasional respite care unless give up house, let alone regular in home care.

Just can’t handle anymore. Feel like am being broke into thousand pieces, or crushed by thousand lb weights. Feel stuck. Feel like no choices, no good options, no way out. Want run away. Want take younger & her cat & find cabin in woods somewhere & just go run away from everything/everyone else. But can’t, no money. Feel so stuck. No help. No support. Don’t know what do.

#will probably delete this later but rn feel stuck & DESPERATE for help/ideas/suggestions #vent #autism #adhd #rant

4 notes · View notes

notxherexx · 2 years

Text

tw ed

i want to completely relapse so bad. i miss being sick, fasting for a week, having 100-200 calories then throwing it up and fasting for another week. i felt so euphoric and in control. if it wasnt for inpatient i couldve continued to get skinnier, why are people so selfish? they put me in hospital because i was making them “miserable” and they “hated watching me waste away”. either i feel good about myself and they be miserable, or i be miserable with myself and them be happy and carry on with their lives like i never existed because im eating more than i need and becoming overweight. they need to stop pretending to care. and they kept telling me “theres healthier ways to do it” but why should i do that if starving is working and at such a fast rate. i dont give two sh^ts about being “healthy”. the feeling of stepping on the scales every minute of the day and seeing the number get lower and lower was just the best. it’s indescribable but i know others understand that feeling. but then i was put in inpatient and i lost all my progress. i gained even more weight than i started with before ana (63kg) and now im literally an overweight bmi, even thinking about it makes me want to un4l!ve. how could they do that to someone whos fear is literally even being a healthy weight. they held me down and tied me to a hospital bed to force-feed me and it was so traumatic and i wish i could just be lovely without being threatened by people sending me back. i cant fast anymore because my family sits every meal with me. i can refuse to eat, but thats when ill be sent back to inpatient and im not letting that happen. i cant start fasting again until after my brothers birthday (7th of Sep) because i want him to enjoy his day, i cant be that selfish. i’ll definitely start fasting and let myself give in to all the voices in about three weeks, after a holiday. id do it now but ive been looking foward to this holiday for so long and i really dont want to miss it. until then ill just restrict as much as i can without any notice so i can look a bit thinner on holiday. the maximum amount of calories ill eat in a day will be 1000. its alot but i have to stick to that so my parents dont cancel the holiday. oh how i miss the days when the voices took over. i didnt have to show emotion and i miss running my hands across bare skin and bones along my hips and ribs. id even started to develop a thigh gap, which was amazing because ive always had bigger thighs. i cant wait until next month. by the end of the year i will become walking th!nspo opposed to staring at the th!nspo on my screen.

8 notes · View notes

lusciouslii · 2 years

Text

actually yknow what forget that, my kink blog ill post whatever little thoughts i want. even if im just yelling into the void at least i get to yell!

longer rant incoming bc im tired and want this out of my system!!

so i met this guy on feabie and immediately it was super exciting because we go to the same college!!

hes also super fucking hot which was its own weird thing bc ive really never experienced like physical sexual attraction so that was weird. but yeah dude looks good and he has a nice voice so thats already not helping me

we’ve met up a couple times now, once to sorta test the waters, once just to cuddle in my room???? which looking back it was at that point i was straight up fucked because as someone who had recently gotten out of a bad relationship in which all my needs and emotions had been completely neglected, having that kind of sweet and affectionate intimacy?? all while my chubby body is being praised and adored??? never once had that in my LIFE.

the other few times has been pretty lowkey too. we did do a feeding session once but i got sick and it was the most humiliating thing. but he was so nice and caring and we continued to talk afterwards so i just try not to think about it anymore lol

we didnt talk much over the summer since i had to go back home across the country, but he reached out a few times and i was like damn ok im still of interest to him

this semester started great because i planted the seed (aka posted a pic showing i was back over here) knowing he would probably see it and if he’d say anything, and he fucking did he reached out and was excited i was back and wanted to meet up soon. schedules were a little rough but eventually we did!

i felt extra happy because it was sort if spur of the moment decision and he was moving back an online hangout he’d been planning with friends for a couple weeks. so i was like omg he really wants to see me even if only for a little bit thats so nice

and now that we have several months ahead of us we started talking about doing more of a feeder/feedee setup and things like that and im, obviously, super into the idea, and he seemed super into it too!! the dirty things he said to me that night!!!! not fair!!!!!!!

i sent pics later that night bc we talked about it and he said he’d “return the favor” lol but the. like. i sent them and he didn’t say anything until i posted a pic to feabie 🙃 and he was like oh sorry i completely missed your text! which like alright, and he asked me how i was doing and blah blah brief smalltalk

i asked if he wanted to meet up again soon and he said “Yea I’d be down, I gotta see what’s going on tho / need to play it by ear”

now heres where i get all introspective because to me, i dont see why we couldnt just schedule something in the future. unless, that is, hes trying to keep his schedule open for other stuff. i can get that to a certain degree, and i have to like. really ponder on it because i dont want to be some clingy needy girl who is fawning after a guy im not even dating, but its like….idk it makes me feel kinda sad? that im not enough of a priority to want to pick a set day to do something? so idk how to feel about that exactly

anyways i tried asking again some days later and he wasnt free, no surprise, usually when we do something its sorta this impulsive last minute thing, which again like. sorta plays into that whole im not really a priority unless idk youre horny or something

but its weird cause it seems like he does care and does want more than just horny shenanigans? we havent had sex yet and have only even had one actual feeding session. soooo worlds most patient fuckboy if thats the case but i just really dont get those vibes

but also im gullible and see the best in people i care about and thats how i got fucked over in my last relationship

im just feeling pretty sad about the whole thing right now because we talked about doing all these things and i really want that but hes so uncommunicative and im afraid of being obsessive. again, might be on me too because im going in thinking maybe theres a chance to do more

but then again even if there isnt thats FINE i just want to do SOMETHING lmao

so now im just left wanting and thinking about him a lot and oh yeah need i remind WE GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL WHY CANT WE JUST MEET UP CASUALLY ONE AFTERNOON 😭

idk but im afraid of maybe ruining the best relationship ive formed in this kink after figuring out what i wanted from it. god even now im just like “youre thinking too hard about this it doesnt matter that much, youre supposed to be flexible and chill and just go with the flow cause its just a little side thing” but welp. my brain is noisy and i dont have a good outlet. another problem of not having friends in this kink but im not good at responding to people which online is the only way to talk to people and now im just rambling

anyways ending this here and hoping he’ll reach out eventually cause boy does the heart yearn 🥲🥲🥲

#also WOW i pray he doesnt somehow find this #he doesnt have my tumblr #but it wouldnt be too hard to figure out from what he does have

2 notes · View notes

irregulardiaryposts · 3 months

Text

20:40 07/03/2024

okay wow well its been well over two years since i updated this 'diary' blog lol

so weird seeing all those old posts about being a teenager with existential thoughts lol i dont really think like that anymore, at least not so much. i guess an update is in order then lmao okay so im in my 3rd year of uni now and im doing my year abroad! doing it in a small city in spain and i really quite like my job, ive only got 14hrs, i have a 3 day weekend, the city is small so i can walk everywhere and this job really gives me a sense of purpose that ive been missing in my life. makes me really realise that university is NOT for me lmfao i was so depressed during my second year i probs went to like 20% of my classes loool. im pretty sure i mightve almost failed aswell but since the professors were doing a marking boycott they released grades without marking the final exam and so since i was already doing well enough in all my classes i passed! quite lucky i think cos i wouldve been so entirely embarrassed and ashamed if i had to repeat a year cos of mental health. i think things are better here tho my issues havent disappeard completely like eg i have these evening classes 6-7.40pm tuesdays and thursdays and for the past like month i havent attended :/ at first it was cos i was sick (i think it was covid lol either from glasgow or on the plane back idk) and then i just didnt go back to class. i think my main excuse is that that is dinner time for me and i dont wanna move dinner time lol. but also i think the class itself is just not for me i dont feel like i learn a whoooole lot while im there and learning on apps is easier for me? but i always felt better for going to the classes cos i was like ha! im not depressed would a depressed person do this!? but of course depression doesnt work like that and i think i need medicated ! but that seems too scary to say. but at least i found someone to do a language exchange with! ive only had one hour with her in spanish, which was yesterday, but i already feel like ive improved lmaooo like i literally dreamt last night in a mix of spanish and english ahahahah cos when i think about it i literally have not ever regularly spoken spanish, ive only really spoken for activies in class or speaking exams so no wonder i have 0000 confidence in my speaking abilities but im hopeful that this will really improve my speaking :) about my job i guess- i work in a high school and i really enjoy interacting with the kids they really do make every day different and more interesting so i am grateful for them but sometimes damnnn sometimes i wanna jump out the window especially with this third year class they are the class KNOWN for being a bitof a pain lol and sometimes i have to lead the class by myself lmaooo mid u ik im 20 but i dont look it and they certainly dont treat me like an adult or a teacher and ngl they are a bit disrespectful at times but also what are u gonna do they are 14 and i have no proper teaching experience to help them by myself i can only hope that im actuallt helping them learn english lol. it is quite difficult tho with my scottish accent to try and sound as clear as possible because i pronounce almost 100% of the vowel sounds differently than rp english which is what i think they are used to so i have to realllyyyy annunciate all my words and man is it tiring lol.

what else. im going to madrid this weekend with bestie and im really looking forward to having a relaxing and fun time but i still havent packed my bags looooooool i alwyas do this tho and its fine not a big deal at all but i def need to do it tonight cos im leaving tomorrow immediately after work so ill have to have an actual breakfast and take snacks with me. im really enjoying my time in spain or at least im trying to but i feel like i have pushed myself enough out my comfort zone to be able to look back on this and say yeah i really took advantage of that. like i think i need to be more personable (is that a word yes it is i used it right) in teaching and be more interactive with them and stuff also i feel like i shoulve arranged a language exchange sooner cos i think this will really help, and i need to interact more with the other assistant but the thing is is im just not a sociable personnnnnnn aghgh. any way cutting this short cos i need to pack my bags for my trupppppp

#not using the tagging system i did on other posts i dont think theyre ever likely to be useful lmao

0 notes

fraener · 4 months

Text

1/23/24

christmas came and went. i made a quiche with broccoli and bacon and shallots and h and i made latkes and sausages to go with. i got covid for the first time over break, two days after christmas, essentially unvaccinated since i hadn't gotten this year's shot yet. i was very sick for about 2 weeks and have been coughing since then. luckily im back to my usual level of fatigue. school started quietly and strangely, the days before my night classes erased by my anxiety about needing to conserve energy for school. im riding to the pellar's with a new person who i've decided i like. i have a classmate i want to get to know better. im feeling overwhelmed in so many ways recently and im having such a hard time concentrating and motivating. ive been cooking so much, made sukiyaki and so much miso soup and rice balls. somehow the short grain rice doesnt hurt as much as any other rice, i get a stomach ache from eating gluten free bread and stuff but not from eating japanese short grain rice. the main gallery on campus is already booked through the end of the year so if i want my stuff in there i have to apply and have my work juried by other students and then they decide if i get to be in the group show or not which is pissing me off to no end. im so tired of other people deciding what i deserve/what my worth is when it comes to art. the weather has been very cold, then very dark and wet, and now today there is a weak light shining on everything and the air is warm. i want to go to an east facing beach or somewhere else beautiful like that. im doing ceramics again but i feel divided and distracted from my work in there, disconnected from the clay. im also working in the metals studio on a little copper hoya retusa charm. i switched my work hours to just wednesdays for now, i hope it helps a little. still nothing has gone through the kiln! i think thats part of why i feel a bit stuck. i wish it was easy to let go and let things evolve the way they naturally need to. thinking a lot about my relationship to g this month, i think ill be lonely if we grow apart but i also dont think we should be physically involved anymore, even if that makes me a little lonely. i dont like that things are already so bad with his wife and will only get worse if we continue. its just not really worth it and its not really worth the way h treats me about it. the war goes on, people get sick, i sit in front of the heater in the dark.

ive been thinking a lot about shame the last couple of days. i think this town and the people here have taught me a lot about shame again, and the pandemic has taught me a lot about shame, and being more sexually active has taught me a lot about shame. ive had a mounting sensation of social anxiety that has crawled its way back like it was with me before the pandemic. i feel like ive been taught to be ashamed of myself over and over...like i somehow forget and then each new chapter of my life i walk in shamelessly and someone teaches me that i should be ashamed again. its weird to be taught that by a town full of people who know my name but dont know me personally, and weird to be taught that by the people who do know me personally. its shameful to make something for fun and play, but its good to do something new and everyone is just playing, but you can only be taken seriously if what youre doing is serious under its coat of play. everything has to be right and digestible and good. every interaction i have ive got to make sure i dont say something blunt or personal or unpleasant to think about, but mentioning the weather is boring. if i express dislike for the artistic and social hierarchy of the town it eventually trickles back to the people at the top and another round of stares and whispers surrounds me when i go out. im afraid to connect with the people i have met, im afraid to try and get to know anyone better. often when i try im shot down anyways. no one takes me seriously enough to want to make anything with me because i dont already know exactly what im doing. i cant believe i was ever part of a popular group...i think everyone in town hated them. i feel like it was damaging to my reputation. i dont want to just slink around in corners where no one will see me. i dont want to sit around and try to get the attention of people who have already decided im not worth their time without ever having spoken with me either. im so tired of my shame! im tired of being ashamed of myself. shame was erased for so many people by the pandemic but now we're all pretending like it didn't happen and no one is allowed to put their foot in their mouth anymore and no one is allowed to be honest and no one is allowed to see their fellow community members as accessible equals anymore. and wearing a mask out is shameful and obnoxious and cringy. somehow its considered really embarrassing to talk to people in this town while youre out even if you know them. no matter what theyre up to its a weird intrusion of their privacy because they didnt specifically approach you though some distant means of communication and ask you if you wanted to have an awkward and unfulfilling social interaction. everything is stiff and opaque again. but in the end it requires other people to meet you on the other end if youve given everything you have to connect with them. very little privacy or peace in my life currently and at the same time an enormous sensation of being overlooked or looked down on by everyone in town. people know who i am and are talking about me but it doesnt feel like theyve got anything good to say or anything to say to me at all. lots to think about and work against here.

0 notes

our-inspire-verse · 4 months

Text

;-;

(Dont open unless you're ok with negative vent)

Yeah im doing really fucking poorly rn. Like. I know we expected to go downhill staying here, i know its expected with everything and the abuse and the trauma here and. The bad. All of the terrible horrible. Just bad. All the trauma coming up from our past, the FLASHBACKS.

Its too much. I can't hold onto stability and wellness right now. It's not in the cards for me and i think that has to be okay. It isn't anti recovery for me to say that i cannot recover here PERIOD. Im so insecure about that. That im just not open to recovery, i wanna get worse and wallow in my shit. I don't. I really don't enjoy feeling like this, and i dont get some kick out of it. I get my reality shunted in my face again and again and i get the reality of all of the people around me. I get ripped down from where i climbed by people who should have pushed me upwards farther.

Im hurting. Its not enough to just be hurt, i am actively hurting pretty consistently. And my body physically cant take it anymore. These episodes only used to flare up sometimes. Now its night after night, and sometimes during the day aggressively. Its unending and way more intense than it usually is. Even Alder and Kiba dont know how to handle me. I'm angrier, i lash out where i dont mean to.

To anyone, even those who will never see this message. Please do not let me lash out at you. Don't let me hurt you. Please tell me I'm being irrational. It keeps happening. Please dont let me isolate myself. Please dont let me do this. I've deleted messaging apps, removed myself from chats, told people i was unavailable to talk. I cut people off only from helping me. I dont cut people off in any other way.

And im desperately afraid right now. Just so sick and scared. Who the hell can i trust? The 3 or 4 friends who have proven over and over and over and over they're unconditionally here for me? The several others who are relatively new in my life that would do anything for me? The family members i never call who tell me to just let them know if EVER i need anything?

How many people have offered me solace and comfort and i dont go to it? How long has it persisted and how long will i continue to thirst for it? How long will trauma keep me desperate and sick and hurting? What am i to ask for when asking for help?

What is to be said? As someone who has NEVER. Had help. Period NEVER. I genuinely dont know what im supposed to ask for. What is there. Because anything they say is stuff i already know and say and do. It isn't fair that that makes me angry.

My cousin said all the comforting little phrases, things will get better. Shes right, ill find someone, this isnt the end of my life. But I'm about a fourth the way through my predicted life span(if im lucky) and it has hurt so bad the entire time that i formed a dissociative disorder. And i still can't act like a person, and not only am i so supremely isolated now, its about to get much worse in that area.

Do you really think that after a year of hell and overstimulation that being completely alone will be GOOD for me? That even though i crave quiet and peace and alone time where im not being percieved, within a month or 2 i will not be behaving incredibly ill? I will be so unbelievably sick in a way i have never been before. I am not prepared. Because if this is how i am with people near me, how will i be once I've finally writhed out and gotten on my own? Im not going to be okay. Im not okay now and im not seeming to improve at all rn. I have opportunity to feel better. But all i feel is agony

#inthrum #system babbles #vent #do not reblog #negative #personal #mental illness #how does one tag something like this #whatever

1 note · View note