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one-flower-one-sword · 6 months

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"Mu Qing spat out a mouthful of blood and grimaced like he'd been stabbed where it hurt. He replied, spiteful slowly, "Thank goodness I kicked you out. If we'd kept you in the army and let you get closer to His Highness, were you going to watch him all day with your mind full of unspeakable filth? Disgusting!"

Xie Lian's heart squeezed violently. Hua Cheng had his fist raised at first, but it froze in midair when Mu Qing spat the word "disgusting." Veins bulged on the back of his pale hand. The fingers clenched and loosened, loosened then clenched.

A long moment later, Hua Cheng said icily, "For now, I won't argue with you on that point. [...]"

TGCF Volume 6, page 66

Hua Cheng's reaction here is really interesting - and gets more heartbreaking the more you think about it. I think to understand it, we need to take a look at his distorted self-image and his extreme self-blame whenever he feels he's failed Xie Lian in some way. While doing this, I think it's important to keep in mind that we're looking at these things as separate from Hua Cheng's very real - and very earned! - confidence in his knowledge, abilities, and strength. He knows exactly what he can and can't do and has no problems stating those things as facts. That "aggressive, rebellious confidence" as Xie Lian describes it is a defining part of Hua Cheng's personality and who he is as a person, that is then juxtaposed by a surprising fragility in other matters.

Right when we meet Hua Cheng at just ten years old, he's already been abused for so long and so severely that it's made him actively suicidal. He's also already internalized that his right eye is ugly, evidenced by the way that he keeps covering it with his hands when the bandages are removed after he was beaten and dragged through the streets by Qi Rong and his lackeys:

After a pause, Xie Lian smiled softly. "The doctors will see to your wounds now. Don't be afraid and lower your hands, okay?" The child heard but hesitantly shook his head.

"Why not?" Xie Lian asked.

He was silent for a long time before replying, "Ugly."

TGCF Volume 2, page 349

The right side of his face also appears to receive the most abuse when he gets beaten, as Xie Lian realizes when he sees him again a few years later and his bandages come loose after being attacked by a group of other kids:

During that scuffle, the bandages on the boy's head had been partially yanked off, giving a peek on the other half of his face. It was quite swollen, covered in black and blue bruises. It was obvious that these injuries hadn't been caused by the brawl just now. TGCF Volume 3, page 56

It can be deduced that he probably learned very early in his life that if people see his eye, he gets beaten. It seems to be known around the area that he frequently gets beaten up and kicked out by his family, to a point where even kids from wealthier families know about him and refer to him as apparently everyone else does - the "ugly freak":

"Wow, wow, the ugly freak got kicked out again!" Although these kids were all around the same age as the boy in the shrine, every single one of them was taller than him and looked like their parents fed them well. There was probably a holiday coming up, since they were all dressed in new clothes and shoes. [...] "Hey, ugly freak, are you sleeping at the shrine again tonight? Watch out, your mom is gonna beat the crap outta you when you get home!"

TGCF Volume 3, pages 54-55

This post is going to get quite long, so I'm putting the rest under a read more.

Hua Cheng seems to internalize this view of himself as something ugly and revolting to a point where even hundreds of years later, he's wary about showing Xie Lian his true form. At the same time, he seems to long deeply for Xie Lian to see and accept the real him, so he tries to test the waters when Xie Lian asks the "young master" on the ox cart what Hua Cheng looks like :

The youth laughed. "Who knows? But he's blind in one eye." He pointed to his right eye. "This one."

That was nothing outrageous. Xie Lian recalled one of the many backstory versions where Hua Cheng wore a black eyepatch to hide that missing eye and asked, "Do you know what happened to that eye?"

"That's a question everyone wants the answer to," the youth replied. Others asked because they wanted to know what Hua Cheng's weakness was, but Xie Lian asked purely out of curiosity. He didn't say anything, and the youth continued, "He dug it out himself."

TGCF Volume 1, page 175

And then again after they're back from Banyue:

Hua Cheng didn't turn around but continued to stare at the dilapidated ceiling of the shrine, and Xie Lian could only see this handsome young man's left profile. Hua Cheng said softly, "If I was ugly."

"Huh?" Xie Lian gaped.

Hua Cheng finally turned his head slightly. "If my true appearance is ugly, would you still want to see it?"

Xie Lian was taken aback. "Is it? Although there's no real reason, I never thought your true appearance would be too horrible-looking."

"Who knows?" Hua Cheng said, half-jokingly. "What if I'm discolored, disfigured, ugly, monstrous, and horrible. What will you do?"

At first, Xie Lian thought this line of inquiry was rather fascinating. So the overlord of the Ghost Realm, the one called the devil incarnate and feared by all in the heavens, would care about his looks? But when he thought about it deeply, he didn't think it was very funny anymore. He vaguely recalled, in one of the many rumored backstories of Hua Cheng, one said that he was a disfigured child from birth, or something along those lines. If that was true, then he must've grown up discriminated against by others. Maybe that was why he was particularly sensitive about his appearance.

TGCF Volume 1, pages 369-370

This quote is really long but I wanted to include all of it because Xie Lian's realization here is very important - Hua Cheng's issues don't stem from vanity but from being othered and subsequently abused because of his unusual red right eye. The society they're in shows many instances of ableism, racism, xenophobia and classism, where any attempted change to the status quo as well as anything that goes against "the norm" is regarded with instant suspicion and rejection - as Pei Ming puts it once, "Where there is abnormality, there is evil."

When he finally does show Xie Lian his true form, Hua Cheng is anxious about it up until Xie Lian remarks that it doesn't look bad:

Xie Lian examined him as he followed, smiling. "So, this is your real appearance." Hua Cheng paused slightly in his step. Maybe it was his imagination, but Hua Cheng's shoulders seemed to stiffen for a flash of a second. The moment didn't last, and Hua Cheng responded naturally. "I did say that the next time we met, I would greet you with my real appearance."

Xie Lian grinned and said earnestly, "Not bad." Xie Lian's tone wasn't teasing or consoling, the words were simply said. Hua Cheng gave a small smile back, and this time, it was genuinely relaxed.

TGCF Volume 2, page 103

Xie Lian's acceptance of his true form seems to have reassured Hua Cheng enough that he appears in it a lot more regularly after that, though it's always with the place where his right eye used to be carefully covered. He's also still too afraid to tell Xie Lian about their shared past and who he really is, and even more afraid to confess his feelings because he fears that then Xie Lian will no longer look at him with acceptance and instead see Hua Cheng as this:

He pointed at a little blood-red person on the wall. Right next to it, there were a bunch of messy, twisted, indiscernible characters - it looked like they had been written in a state of delirium or scrawled to vent the author's feeling during a period of extreme suffering. Based on those characters, Xie Lian could guess that the little blood-red person painted there was Hua Cheng himself, but for some unknown reason he had depicted himself as extremely ugly and disfigured.

[...] There was an ugly little blood-red figure at the bottom of the mural. It cupped a small flower in its hands, which it was offering to the statue.

TGCF Volume 6, pages 52-55

Hua Cheng having internalized this distorted "ugly freak" image of himself isn't the only thing tripping him up though. Every time he can't prevent Xie Lian from getting hurt or can't help him, Hua Cheng takes it as a personal failure on his part and immediately seeks to punish himself. Be that by lashing out at Eming, which is essentially an extension of himself:

Xie Lian stroked Eming. "Fangxin is still better suited." Fangxin remained motionless. Eming had tried so enthusiastically to offer itself up but was so blatantly rejected. It hopped back to Hua Cheng's side, weeping. Hua Cheng didn't spare it a single look before he smacked it with a backhand slap. "What are you crying about? This happened because you're useless! Trash!"

TGCF Volume 5, page 120

Or denying himself to touch Xie Lian, like after Xie Lian got accidentally hurt by Eming (an especially cruel punishment given that Hua Cheng had longed for Xie Lian for hundreds of years):

Hua Cheng, however, let go of his hand. "Don't mind them," he said to Xie Lian. "Come with me." His voice was low, the emotion behind it hard to discern. Yet the way he let go of Xie Lian's wrist was swift, almost like he'd been shaken off.

TGCF Volume 2, page 192

Repeatedly witnessing Xie Lian be brutalized and violated while he didn't yet have the power to stop it from happening traumatized Hua Cheng deeply and left him with a wrathful anger that he wields not only against those who wronged Xie Lian but also against himself for any and all perceived failures.

Now, what does all of this have to do with the quote that started it all? In it, Mu Qing accuses Hua Cheng that if they'd have kept him in the army, he would have kept watching Xie Lian "with his mind full of unspeakable filth! Disgusting!" (the fact that he describes a man having romantic feelings and sexual desires for another man in such a way comes off as extremely homophobic of course but that's not the topic of this post)

Hua Cheng, who hates Mu Qing deeply and with good reason, then not only stops his assault but actually goes on to say that he won't argue with him on that point for now. His inner conflict shows in the repeated clenching and loosening of the fingers in his fist - he's extremely angry and would usually never agree with Mu Qing, yet finds himself unable to deny his words. It's noticeable also that it's the "disgusting" that makes him freeze up.

So why would Hua Cheng, someone usually so confident and so unapologetically himself, concede this point to Mu Qing, someone he hates and who's just been viciously insulting him? I would argue that there are two possible reasons.

First of, if viewed through the lens of everything we reviewed in this post, Hua Cheng feels like he "can't argue" on this because he does desire Xie Lian and always has - while at the same time knowing that he, an ugly disfigured other that has repeatedly failed at keeping the God he's pledged his existence to safe from harm, could never be good enough to deserve being with said God like that.

Second of all, as I analyzed in my previous post, Hua Cheng's reaction to Xie Lian having seen the statues and murals is profound fear and heartbreak because he's so sure Xie Lian must now be scared of and disgusted by him. At this point in the story, Hua Cheng is still utterly convinced that his feelings aren't requited, which is something he can deal with. But what he can't bear is the prospect of his feelings, his very devotion, causing Xie Lian pain. Failing to keep Xie Lian safe from being harmed by others is bad enough, but hurting Xie Lian himself? Unforgivable. His fear that his desire for Xie Lian will be upsetting to him is so strong that even after the confession scene, his immediate reaction to Xie Lian even just mentioning the murals is "I'll go destroy them" (Volume 6, page 88), and he doesn't calm down until Xie Lian reassures them that he only saw a few of them and won't look at the others if Hua Cheng doesn't want him to.

#tgcf #rereading tgcf #hualian #hua cheng #i almost didn't post this despite how much work it was #because i kept second-guessing myself and overthinking everything #so now I'm just gonna throw it out there and hope for the best haha

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mintypsii · 5 months

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i wonder how zeff would've reacted to sanji's bounty poster changing to "only alive" and then later to sanji "vinsmoke" (well known former conquerors/royalty of the north blue)

whether sanji's told zeff about germa or not, zeff would be stressed OUT

#op #one piece #sanji #zeff #red leg zeff #vinsmoke sanji #black leg sanji #SHUT UP yeah yeah i copy pasted this from my twt DIE #idk i like to assume sanji never told him #because he'd be scared that word would get out and he'd be sent back #or like #zeff would kick him out #EVEN WORSE: sanji paranoid that zeff would kick him out because he agrees with why judge didn't want him 😭😭#like that's 100% ooc for zeff to do but sanji is an overthinking paranoid traumatized little guy #mind you this is the same guy who thought luffy+the strawhats would be better off without him despite everything #not /neg btw i understand sanji he's just like me fr #ok but IF sanji DID tell zeff about germa ZEFF WOULD BE SOOO WORRIED #LLIKE. WHAT DO THEY WANT WITH MY SON???? hoping sanji's still safe but knowing that SOMETHING to do with his family definitely happened #germa 66 #min watches one piece

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fearandhatred · 3 months

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oh hi. this did not in fact take only an hour to write but hey it's done! any support is so so appreciated <3

also thread of me lowkey liveblogging myself (not) writing this lmaoo

Summary:

A fun little side perk of being a demon is that Crowley only gets to see the world in shades of grey. That is, until that world is touched by one particular angel.

They say that it's not the fall that hurts, it's the landing. That's a partial truth, at least for him. The landing did hurt—his bones had shattered almost methodically, travelling through his legs and up his spine like a shiver; the whiplash from his head hitting the ground had felt like an explosion of guts in his mouth. But the fall had hurt, too. Because the wind had cut into his useless wings like knives, his skin and grace peeling away under the friction, and he had been looking right up at the multicoloured and unreachable expanse of sky just to see it fade from his eyes into dull greys. And that was that. For the indiscriminate time afterwards, he and all the other demons wandered Hell's corridors like strays, lost and trying to adjust to a new life where hope looked just as bleak as despair. They wore all black, because the identifiability of that darkest shade meant that they wouldn't have to worry about clashing colours. An inconsequential problem, maybe, almost laughable in its insignificance, but it was the one piece of self-dignity they could still control. Back then, that was everything.

#fearandhatred #fearandfics #fic: sunflower fingerprints #honestly i feel like i could do/have done so much more with this #but i don't wanna overthink it lol i didn't even have the time to write this fic #also one reason this took longer to write was because i did research!! into the hindu festival of colours #i knew about it already and i've always found it magical but i wanted to make sure i got my facts straight before writing about it #i hope i did it justice #honestly a coincidence that i remembered this festival existed while writing this lmao. and it turned out to be so significant to the story #so yay!#oh and if you saw my thread. update i'm not even going for the test lmfaooooo good riddance #good omens #good omens season 2 #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #crowley #aziraphale #good omens fanfiction #good omens fanfic #good omens fic #writing

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angeart · 7 days

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5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something? :)c

i think one big thing that can certainly put me off the fic is formatting? endless paragraphs are one thing but...

ok, look, it can be an amazing story, but if i keep getting confused about who's talking, or especially if there are two different people talking in the same paragraph (something that bothers me endlessly), i might just give up and drop it.

if we're talking content wise, i think especially in romance (but this can apply to friendships too)— if i don't feel like the characters love or care about each other unless they spell it out? that's. not good. you know, when they say "i love you" and you're just there blinking at the screen like, DO YOU????? that.

i think these two points in general do sway me a lot.

--- question from this ask game

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collectingthestars · 6 months

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i sent an email now i'm scared

#diya says #an interviewer asked me to send an email to him with my passport attached on the same email address he sent the interview link #but it's one of those weird recruiter website email addresses and there was a reply to address with a lot of weird numbers and letters #so i sent it there but i'm not sure if that's the right one i hope he got it bc he didn't reply to me #ANYWAY chronic overthinking go brrrrr

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didderd · 1 year

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How can I show support for a friend who has tourette?

Thank you for helping me learn more about all this and for being honest with us ✨💖✨

Np, I'm very happy to teach abt it. Tysm for listening, and for asking abt it. <333

It kinda depends on the person, but generally:

Laughing about a funny tic (specially the ones they laugh about) is fine and can actually be a lot less awkward and make them feel less weird about it! As long as you're not laughing at them. (We know that our tics can be ridiculous and funny at times. I often laugh at my tics, even in the middle of a tic attack.)

If the person is having a bad tic attack. They'll be fine. For the most part it just needs to be waited out. Depending on the tic attack, you might want to give them some space if you're sitting close to them. Maybe if they're having SH tics like hitting their chest, ask if you should get a pillow or something for them to put in between them and their hands. Continue talking to them, whether or not they can talk back much through their tics. Rly tho, you should probably ask them what they would want you to do in the event of a bad tic attack.

(I don't mean to make tic attacks sound all big and dramatic lol. Usually they're not that bad, just the more sever ones can be.)

In general, just listen to them. Be there for them when they need it. Reassure them that they're normal and not weird if they ever doubt that. And don't treat them differently. <3

Oh and wish them a happy Tourette's Awareness Month whenever it comes around, and if you didn't this year, tell them you hope they had a good one. :>

#hope this helps <3 #n i hope i explained this well lol #not sure what else i can say #some of this was written with the assumption that you know them irl. but most of it can still apply otherwise #tam ask event #tourette's #tourette syndrome #tourettic #neurodivergent #neurodivergencies #didderd asks #hora-de-un-cafecito #carefully concocted this answer on and off thru a few days #felt too important to not put my whole ass into lol #hope i didn't overthink it too much n it's alright hhhhh

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ghost-of-you · 1 year

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#5sos5 is about one very intense relationship falling apart and I will write that post one day -> can that day please be today 🥺

i would love to hear your thoughts on how all the little album threads fit together!

Okay, sure, let's do this msksoakaala

Here's a Spotify playlist with songs in this order because I'm extra.

I will be using only the standard version of the album and considering that this is about a romantic relationship, I will be ignoring the 3 songs that are not about romantic relationships, best friends, take my hand and carousel. I will also be ignoring older, since it doesn't fit the narrative of the rest of the songs. For the sake of clarity I will also be using he for the narrator and she for the subject.

So, the album is about a relationship that's going in circles "we go around again we jump back in bed", "another glass until we come around", "we're going around again in the emotional blender" and we catch that relationship in the middle, since we don't have a song about falling in love, they're already there.

But it all starts in haze. They're still in that good in love, well, haze. The world only feels right when they're together. And there's no reference to the divide that's making them go around and around yet. The relationship is that easy thing that he'll keep chasing until the end. The love that made him feel human again after he's been through bad times, the person that makes him feel alright whenever they're around. Is chasing that high that keeps him coming back.

Then we go into complete mess. The relationship is no longer easy, she makes him complete, but she also makes him a mess. There are also beginnings of the divide between them "call it a lesson when I feel you slide away" and "I learned my lesson when I felt you slip away" and the relationship is no longer the easy "and I am human once again" from haze, he's questioning because he's "caught up in heaven but your heaven ain't the same", he's hanging on to the good moments through the confusion, because he loves her and she makes him complete but the relationship is not just the beautiful things anymore.

Then we have me, myself and i. The beauty of mm&i is that she fits in any of the off moments of the relationship. It's that desperation of trying to believe he did the right thing letting the phone ring. The song is a loop and lyrically it ends without really ending. He's alone, it's his fault and he's trying to convince himself he's fine with it. "I guess I got what I wanted" but at the same time "I never knew what I needed" and he has the same words running around and around and around. I did put this in the beginning over the "i know you wish me well" because the belief that she's still in it with him fades with time.

Then we go into easy for you to say. This song could be an attempt to make it right once they come back. She was someone who saw him through bad times and he's trying to explain how he got caught up in that bad side. But they're already stuck in a cycle. He lies then comes back to explain it and he promises that "each and every time I'll try and change my ways" but it's easier for her to make demands than it is for him to actually comply. Ultimately he's trying to get her to understand the darkness in him that makes him do stubborn things that might end up with him doing something to jeopardize the relationship but he will keep trying anyway.

Then we go into blender. Like mm&i, blender fits in the beginnings of any on period. But he's already tired. The song starts with him watching her across the room, so they aren't in the best place but "we just can't keep away" so it's starting again. I think the blender metaphor here is great because a blender spins things around while chopping them up, so no cycle is without consequence. Being trapped in this is bad for both of them and they know it but he can't stay away. He's still trying like he promised "I tried for you" but at this point he's questioning if all they're doing is hurting each other while going around "but all a hear is..."

Then we go into bad omens and caramel. I think they are the same cycle, the last cycle, from both points of view. I wrote this back when the album came out, you can read that if you want something more elaborate on why i feel like these two songs go hand in hand. But both songs are about holding on to something that's clearly beyond saving, but while bad omens is desperately fighting to keep it together, caramel is going through the motions in that failure. In bad omens he knows he's chasing something that's hurting him, but he needs to keep trying because that's what you do when you love somebody. There's also the "we go around again we jump back in bed" that goes with "all the things you said in my head ricocheting off the bed" in blender because they jump into bed just to ricochet right of off it and it's just creating more of a mess. And caramel he's chasing that easy, being in love and being known and being with that person that makes everything better he had with her in the beginning, but he can't find it, it's right there and he can't reach it but he's hanging on anyway because "it used to be easy" so why can't it be easy again? So he just can't let go.

Then we go into bleach. Bleach is the realization that maybe he's fighting for something he can't save. It ties back to bad omens and the "I'm still making sense of having nothing left to save" he's literally trying to make sense of watching "everything i want and everything i was spinning down the drain". "Brought a knife to a gunfight" he's not equipped for the fight that he's in. And he knows it's not easy and "it takes time to let go but i can't take it no more" it's the realization he needs to step out of the cycle to figure out a way to live with her.

Then we end it all with red line and you don't go to parties. Why am I grouping them together? They're both waiting for something to happen. They're both waiting for her to walk in. But red line is in that hopeless how many times can I come back if you keep pushing me out feeling and ydgtp is accepting the fact that she just doesn't fit in anymore, since "everyone I ever knew is standing in my house" but she's not there. Red line is actually him finally accepting that he has nothing left to save, going back to bad omens, and he did lose who he was while falling out of love, going back to bleach. And ydgtp is him contemplating all the times he intentionally lost his mind in the name of being passionate about something. I also like ydgtp as the last song for the relationship because it's the one where he accepts she's not there anymore. And that also ties back to blender because he was watching her across the room in blender and in ydgtp he's scanning the room for her even though he knows she's not coming back this time.

#anon thank you for asking lol #ive been meaning to do this but i just didn't find the motivation osoaapskpakaoa #i hope this makes sense #5sos5 #i'm overthinking and overanalyzing #i was asked #anon 😌

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willlmesh · 2 months

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if each pair of prisoners has one intentional murder and one unintentional murder. and mahiru's murder was Definitely the unintentional one. and shidou's victims are supposed to be just his family since they're the only ones who are actually in the triage mv. did he kill his family intentionally in the end ????? in what way ? does "intentional" just mean he was the one to have them taken off life support or is it something less obvious ?

#at least im assuming shidou's other patients aren't counted as victims under milgram. maybe #it would make sense to think he just saw other patients as collateral damage so their lives didn't really count to him either #and idek what i mean by “something less obvious” i'd need to think on it more #i wanna say i'm just overthinking but overthinking is the spirit of milgram unfortunately #this probably isnt any revelation either i just genuinely haven't thought about it before #anyways i hope his t3 throws the biggest curve-ball imaginable 💞💞💞#milgram #shidou kirisaki #blabber tag

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lenievi · 2 years

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[aos spones] post-Beyond snippet

I found a thing, it’s probably like 2+ years old, but... maybe I should write a post-Beyond fic one day... it’s spones, it’s just a snippet (it’s actually about 1 600 words lol), it’s set in an AU where Spock and Uhura never dated, so don’t get confused during the first scene. STID didn’t happen but what happened at that time was that McCoy’s father died.

---

“That is why I decided to redirect my efforts and continue his work… on New Vulcan.”

The words pierced McCoy’s chest as if a wild beast cut its claws into him and opened him up. That wasn’t supposed to happen.

“You…” He wet his lips. “You’re leaving Starfleet?”

Spock looked away.

McCoy’s mind was a whirlwind of emotions and questions. He grasped the one that seemed the safest. “What did Jim have to say about that?”

“I could not find the time to tell him,” Spock replied.

“Well, I can tell you he’s not gonna like that. Hell, I don’t know what he’d do without you.” Jim was clever and resourceful, but he needed someone to bounce his ideas off. McCoy sure as hell didn’t even try to humor him most of the time. “Me—you know, me, on the other hand, I’d—I’d throw a party.” It was weak. He wasn’t fooling anyone.

Spock gave him a smile.

McCoy chuckled.

Spock shifted and their arms brushed. McCoy focused on the ring on his little finger.

“Three years ago, when my dad died… I wanted to leave. To continue his job,” he said quietly. “I didn’t join Starfleet because I wanted to. I saw a flier.” He huffed out a laugh. “Hell, even now I’m not sure I like it. But... I’m still here. Want to know why?”

Spock touched his cheek. Lightly, the tips of his fingers caressed along McCoy’s jaw before they stopped under his lower lip.

McCoy’s eyes widened. “What’re you…” he breathed out.

“Leonard,” Spock muttered, pupils dilated, mouth slightly open.

The sound of McCoy’s given name, so foreign on Spock’s lips, startled him. McCoy looked at Spock. Really looked at him and grasped his shoulders. “My god, you’re getting delirious!” McCoy maneuvered Spock and lowered him on the ground, letting his head rest in his lap. “Stay conscious. We’ll move in half an hour.”

McCoy leaned against the cave wall and looked at the ceiling. He closed his eyes, still feeling the lingering sensation from Spock’s touch on his face. What was that? What the hell was that?

Spock’s blood loss was a problem. It prevented him from entering the Vulcan healing trance. And he needed it. Badly. McCoy hoped that Spock would be able to walk soon. If they left the rocky complex, perhaps his communicator would be able to pick up something. Someone.

“Doctor,” Spock said softly.

McCoy looked down, noticing his fingers in Spock’s hair, tangled and gripping the coarse strands. He blinked, easing his grip. “Sorry.”

Spock raised his brow, and McCoy snatched his hand away.

“Sorry,” McCoy repeated, avoiding Spock’s piercing eyes.

Maybe he hit his head more than he initially thought.

Spock sat up. “I am able to move now.”

“Good.” McCoy stood up, brushing the dust away from his uniform. “Good.” He offered Spock his hand and pulled him up. “Let’s go.”

McCoy glanced at Jim. He stood alone, leaning his forearms on a high table, and watched the construction of future Enterprise-A. McCoy smiled into his glass.

Since early afternoon, Jim couldn’t stop talking, couldn’t hide his smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes. McCoy had groaned and grumbled, but hearing Jim’s deep laugh and seeing his genuine smile after months, was a weight off McCoy’s mind. Even if this time the Enterprise had disappeared in the cloud of swarm and left them mourning. As they said – every cloud had a silver lining, and if the result was a happy Jim, McCoy would take it with both hands, no questions asked.

He raised his glass at Jim’s back and drank.

The sofa depressed as someone sat on his left side. McCoy turned his head and met Spock’s eyes.

“You’re still here?” McCoy asked, eyes widening.

“An illogical question, Doctor, since you can see me.”

“Aren’t you in a good mood?” McCoy smiled, just a small upturning of his lips on one side.

Eyeing the glass in McCoy’s hand, Spock said nothing.

Three years ago, shortly before their five-year mission, Spock had found McCoy drunk in his apartment in San Francisco. They had never talked about it again, but McCoy hadn’t got drunk since then.

“I know my limits,” McCoy said, putting the empty glass on the table with a soft thud.

“I did not mean to imply—”

“You didn’t.” McCoy waved him off. He leaned against the back of the sofa, turning his body towards Spock. “What’s on your mind?”

“Your ring.”

“My ring? What about it?” McCoy frowned and examined his little finger, where a thick, white gold band was. His chest tightened as he thought of its previous owner.

“Three years ago—”

“No.” McCoy shook his head. “No. We’re not doing that.”

“Doctor—”

“I have a meeting at Yorktown’s Medical Center tomorrow morning,” McCoy said, ignoring the drop in his stomach. “I should go.”

As McCoy stood up, Spock caught McCoy’s wrist.

“I apologize.” He tugged at McCoy’s hand.

McCoy lost his balance and fell on the sofa, his shoulder slamming into Spock’s chest.

Spock let out a tiny hiss through his teeth.

“You okay?” McCoy asked, moving, his thigh brushing against Spock’s.

Spock’s hand moved toward his side with a jerk before landing on his thigh, fingers curling into the fabric.

McCoy saw red. “Why didn’t you go into the healing trance?” He grasped the hem of Spock’s dark blue shirt and pulled it above the navel. The scar was an ugly green and brown, surrounded by bruises.

“My mind was otherwise occupied,” Spock said, avoiding McCoy’s gaze. “The scar is only a mild inconvenience. I’m not in danger, Doctor.”

“Mild inconvenience, my ass.” McCoy’s fingers hovered above the injury, close, but not quite touching. If he were a better pilot, the skin wouldn’t be scarred. If he had better equipment, Spock wouldn’t have to be in pain. Restoring it to its original smoothness would be a question of minutes.

Spock shifted – just a light touch against McCoy’s knee.

Blinking, McCoy moved, so his knee didn’t touch Spock’s thigh anymore, and said, “You and I are going to the hospital. Tonight.”

“That won’t be necessary, Doctor.” Spock straightened and smoothed his shirt, covering the exposed skin. “I will go into the trance tonight.”

“No, I want to examine you.”

“May I remind you that you have no authority here,” Spock pointed out. “And you cannot order me.”

Spock’s words hit McCoy with unexpected strength. Something awful coiled in his stomach as he remembered what Spock had told him back on Altamid. “Right, when are you leaving?”

“Doctor?”

“You said you were leaving Starfleet, didn’t you?” McCoy stood up. “So of course I can’t fucking order you, but it was my fault, and I need—”

Spock seized his arm in an iron grip. “Calm yourself,” Spock whispered in his ear. “The Captain is coming.”

“Problems, gentlemen?”

“None, sir,” Spock said, letting McCoy’s arm go. “Doctor McCoy just forgot to control his emotions. Nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Bones?” Jim’s eyes were searching.

“He ignores his health. Nothing out of the ordinary,” McCoy parroted, keeping his voice even. This was between him and Spock. No point in dragging Jim into it.

Jim studied them with a calm look. “It’s a wonder you two didn’t kill each other on Altamid,” he finally said.

McCoy rolled his eyes. If Jim thought he was being funny, he had another thing coming.

“Captain, I apologize,” Spock said, not sounding apologetic at all, “but there is something I and Doctor McCoy need to discuss.” Then the hard lines around his mouth softened. “And… happy birthday, Jim.”

Jim smiled and patted Spock on the arm, not saying anything. “Okay, go. Talk it out.” He waved his hand in a shoo motion. “I don’t want to see you arguing tomorrow at dinner.”

“Are we having dinner, Captain?”

“Do you have other plans?” Jim asked.

McCoy probably imagined Spock glancing his way before saying, “No. Dinner with you and Doctor McCoy is acceptable.”

Yet there was something off about his tone. Maybe he planned to talk to Jim tomorrow, and he didn’t want McCoy there? Hell, McCoy didn’t want to be there. Just imagining Jim’s face shattering after hearing Spock’s decision to leave the Starfleet made him want to punch Spock in the face. Stupid unfeeling bastard. At least he didn’t spring it on Jim on his birthday. That was his only redeeming quality at the moment.

“Doctor, shall we?”

McCoy nodded his goodbye at Jim and followed Spock out.

They walked in silence through Yorktown’s dimly lit streets and corridors. McCoy tried not to think about the buildings above their heads, hanging like stalactites, almost threatening to fall and bury them. When an upside-down monorail crossed the sky, McCoy shivered, thanking anyone who would listen that Spock didn’t make a comment.

“Doctor,” Spock said when they reached an empty park. “I believe we started on a bad note earlier.”

McCoy stopped, waiting for Spock to do the same. “You told me you’d heal yourself. You lied.”

“I…” Spock looked up at the artificial sky. “I received a box of Ambassador Spock’s belongings.”

McCoy wet his lips. “I can see how that’d disturb you.”

“There were things I needed to meditate on,” Spock continued and turned around, finding McCoy’s eyes. “My decision to leave Starfleet might have been made in haste.”

McCoy froze. Spock’s eyes seemed like the only thing around. The only thing in the universe. Unflinching. Making McCoy drown in them. Why was it so important that Spock didn’t leave?

“Jim will be pleased,” McCoy said, his voice rough.

“I do not plan to mention it to him.”

“You don’t?” McCoy furrowed his brows.

“What he does not know, cannot hurt him.”

That McCoy could agree with.

“However, I am sorry to rob you of an opportunity to throw another party.”

“I don’t think I’m good at throwing parties,” McCoy murmured.

Spock’s eyes were dark. Warm. The change, the softening after McCoy’s words, was almost invisible. On a different face, McCoy would miss it. But not on Spock’s.

“Perhaps it is… better there won’t be a need for it then,” Spock said softly.

McCoy nodded, and another monorail passed above their heads.

#spones #leonard mccoy #spock #star trek aos #my writing #look i read this and got a lot of feels idk even why #i believe i wrote this before i got really involved with the fandom and that's why i feel i didn't overthink as much #anyway even though it's just a snippet i hope you enjoy!#i think it's quite good actually. it still has a special place in my mind in any case

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captain-habit · 1 year

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Probably one of the worst sort of frustrations, is when you start to wonder if something you've been spending so much time, and energy, and PAIN on is worth all the effort...

#didn't like how the first post was worded #i'm very frustrated at a realization i had today and i'm just hoping that I'm overthinking things

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icarusdiesatdawn · 1 year

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I hate that sometimes my entire future depends upon whether people like me or not

#hi this is the overthinking club #i hope they liked me #i was trying my best #i didn't even start shit when the other azubi mentioned h*gwarts l*gacy #ida talks

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ingravinoveritas · 2 years

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I hope no one minds a rather personal post, but I had an experience recently that I really feel like I need to write about/get out. (CW: Sexual content.)

Last weekend (Halloween weekend), I had the first sexual encounter that I’ve had in a long time--eight years to be exact, which is a hell of a dry spell. What made this encounter so interesting, though, was that it was with a professor of mine that I once had a huge crush on in graduate school.

(Backstory: We first met when he interviewed me when I was applying to get into my program. After I was accepted, we quickly bonded over being fans of the same band, and I always felt closer to him than any of my other professors. At the time that I was in grad school (10+ years ago), he was married to another professor of mine, though it was very much a thing of “How is he married to her?” because he was so sweet and lovely and a big fanboy, and she was very severe and stuck up and just kind of mean overall. Fast-forward to the beginning of 2020, and it turns out that she’s been cheating on him and asked for a divorce the day lockdown started. Basically, she broke his heart and imploded their family (they have 2 kids together), and I didn’t find out any of this until August of this year, when he and I had dinner together to catch up before the start of the semester.)

He first opened up to me at that dinner, even though he’d initially wanted to keep the focus on me (he’s always been a huge supporter of mine, encouraging me with my work and all the things that I am doing and saying how proud he is of me). But I could tell he needed someone to talk to, so that was when I started peeling back the layers and learning new things about him. I asked outright if we were on a date, and he said he hadn’t thought of it that way (”I wouldn’t mind if it was. Just putting that out there,” I said). He paid for my dinner, though, and when he walked me to my car after, we kissed. Several times.

Fast-forward to last weekend, which marked two months since we’d last seen each other. There was a Con happening in the area that he wanted to go to/that I’ve gone to for years. I haven’t been keen on going since Covid, but we’d spoken a few times leading up to the Con, during which he said he wanted me to “show him the ropes” since he’d always left early in the past and was planning to stay late this time.

So, we met up in the lobby of the hotel where the Con was happening, and he bought me two drinks. I introduced him to one of the celebs who was at the Con who is a friend of mine, and after that, we went back to the lobby and sat there talking for over an hour. Again, there was more peeling back of the layers and learning about him, including that he was raised to not do anything physical with a woman unless he could offer an emotional connection, and he forthrightly told me that he’s emotionally unavailable right now because of what happened with his ex and he didn’t want to mislead me. I said that as long as we’re on the same page, it’s okay if we enjoy some pleasure with each other...and it was not long after that that he mentioned he had a room there in the hotel.

The conversation had begun to turn flirty just before that, as I was wearing a cleavage-friendly dress/bra (I mean...come on) and he said that I looked good and had nice boobs, and “Maybe I’ll get to look at them later.” And when he asked if I wanted to come up to his hotel room, well...I had a pretty good idea of where things were going. (Side note: We ran into Catherine Bach from The Dukes of Hazzard going into the elevator, and she stopped and looked at us and was like, “Hey, kids,” all sultry and sexy. I didn’t even know who she was til my professor told me, and he was like “Maybe we should’ve invited her to join us” and was all flustered by her, which was adorable. Haha.)

Once we were in his hotel room, he took out a box of white wine--Sauvignon Blanc--that he’d brought with him (which is just the most college professor thing ever), and we started to disrobe and make out (snog, for my UK followers). I also had on a pair of faux-garter fishnets that I recently bought from Snag Tights, and he asked me to give him a lap dance in them and the high heels I had on. (It took me a good 30 seconds to remember how to do that, and part of the reason I remembered was thinking of a fic I started writing about David giving Michael a lap dance. Because of course my writing has influenced my sex life, and vice-versa.)

But what made the events that followed so extraordinary was that we didn’t have sex. It wasn’t that it wasn’t a possibility...it just wasn’t the main objective, as had been the case with all of my previous encounters. My professor, as it turns out, is very tactile, and spent much of the time massaging my head and back and touching my breasts and waist. So it was incredibly sensual, and he kept hugging me and holding me and I think he just missed being able to be close to someone--as did I, though I hadn’t realized it.

The most notable moment for me, though, had to be right after he finished going down on me. He was quite proud of himself for bringing me to orgasm, and was giving me all this wonderful feedback (that he’d loved the noises I’d made when I was doing stuff to him and when he was doing stuff to me, that I tasted really good, that I had beautiful eyes). But instead of lying down on the other side of the bed (as every guy I’d been with before had done), he laid his head on my hip while I stroked his hair and just...stayed.

There was no rush to move on to sex, or to “the next thing.” It was just about the moment, savoring the afterglow, and he lingered in a way I’ve never had a man do before. It was what I’d always thought was supposed to happen, but didn’t know if it would ever happen for me, because of being on the spectrum and being someone guys seem to like to have fun with but then discard.

There was also the fact that we just talked and talked--about positions we liked and disliked, body image, fantasies, turn-ons, relationships, intimacy, and so much more--and it was the most mature, adult conversation I think I’ve ever had about sex. And of course we both got such a giggle out of the whole “professor” thing (I joked that it was like something out of a Letter to Penthouse), and being able to laugh during sex was a wonderful thing, too, which I think was possible because we have such a long history together and could trust each other.

So to suddenly realize that it could be like this--sensuous, intimate, fun, honest--and that this was what I’d been missing all this time was just...a revelation. I’m trying to just take things one day at a time, letting things play out as they will, and staying focused on my life and work as I have been.

As it is right now, I have no idea what will happen next with him, but I like to think the door is open for future encounters, and I really hope it is. So my thanks to everyone who got this far, and for letting me get all of this out. We’ll see what happens...

#personal post #i didn't mean to write a thing but i wrote a thing #it was honestly A Lot for one night #but i really enjoyed it #and was relieved to finally break my 8 year long dry spell #i just hope things don't get weird now as a result of this #this is probably me overthinking things #but there you go #apparently i have a sex life again #hip hip hooray #sexuality #relationships #discourse

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colorsinautumn · 2 years

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#idk how else to say it #but connecting and getting closer with hannah just feels so much healthier than the past two relationships #i was in #like i broke out of the whole trauma bonding thing #and i got out of trying to be the savior #idk #i've just done a lot of work and learned a lot #that going into whatever this may be or is now #feels so much more secure #and just healthy #idk i can't quite put it into words right now #but everything feels right #and i didn't expect to find this or feel this way so soon #like i'm definitely not in too deep or overly invested here too soon #but i'm just feeling very hopeful about this so far and i'm really seeing the work i've done with my past anxities #and just struggles with overthinking #really paying off here #anyways i can't wait to see her saturday

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kindahoping4forever · 1 year

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anything new coming soon? 👀

Hopefully! I'm not sure exactly what tbh - I've been trying to be a little generous with myself recently and write based on what I feel like writing as opposed to what I "need to" or "should" work on. Which is great for my creativity but also means a lot of bouncing from project to project and also honestly scrapping a couple WIPs recently that I decided weren't going to pan out.

I can tell you I'm determined to follow thru on my promise of Luke fic this year. (I still intend to finish the post-show one I teased last summer but I've been working on a new one that may or may not see the light of day depending on how it turns out lmao). I'd still like to write the idea I had for a 5SOS5 release week fic, as a nice companion to my CALM and Superbloom release centric stories. The PolyCashton chaptered series I've been writing for literal years needs to happen this year. There's a long lost Gardener Ash storyline I'd love to revive. No one's asked explicitly for more Stage!Ash adventures but I love that couple so it's a possibility. I plotted out my first true AU last year and I'd like to see if I could pull that concept. I've also had ambitions the past couple years of entering the slash arena so we'll see if 2023 is finally the year. (Although full disclosure, one of my recently scrapped WIPs was a slash fic 🥸) And obviously I'd love to take any and every opportunity I can to collab with @cal-puddies - for personal reasons, we had to back off of a lot of good ideas last year but I'm hopeful we'll be able to pick up where we left off.

So short answer: yes, I'm actively writing and as soon as I have something I feel confident in sharing, you guys will be the first to know! 💙

#well not the ~first~ first - Cass will probably be the first lol #but ykwim #I've been thinking of maybe doing one of those WIP ask games sometime soon to give people a taste of what's on deck #and tbh I've been considering just posting a list of my WIPs or a poll of some sort to see what might be of most interest?#but that's something I'm still considering #like i said I'm basically just trying to vibe atm #mentally and physically I've still got a lot of hurdles to overcome when it comes to being more consistent with my writing #but I'm hopeful and determined about it bc i miss sharing 🥹#i literally have an entire notebook - yes handwritten physical notes - of ideas bc for a while that was the easiest way for me to process #and there's so many I'm excited to explore #i appreciate everyone's continued patience and encouragement!#tbh the reception of blood moon lit was super inspiring to keep working the way I'm working #bc that took so little prep and went so quick there was no room to overthink #and it went over so well 😭😭😭#so that's why I'm trying to just roll with it atm - and not to jinx but it's going well so far!#hopefully I'll have something this month but you didn't hear that from me 🤐#so many words to say so little smh #anyways thanks for asking lol 💙#ask #anon #kh4f writing

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