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emophil81 · 8 days

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AI pic by xevac found on Deviantart

Jason and Oliver - lim(b)itless love

I'll never forget the day it happened a year ago. I was 17 then, now I am 18 and my life was perfect. I was a star athlete, captain of the school football team, and had a group of friends who looked up to me. I was also openly gay, and my friends and family had always been supportive of me. I had just gotten my driver's license and was loving the freedom that came with it.

But then, in an instant, everything changed. I was driving home from a party when a drunk driver ran a red light and crashed into me. I was rushed to the hospital, and that's when my world came crashing down.

The doctors told me that I had suffered severe injuries, and that they would have to amputate my arms and legs above the elbows and knees. I was in shock, but I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Me, Jason, the confident jock, was now going to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

The next few months were a blur. I went through rehabilitation, trying to learn how to adapt to my new body. It was tough, but I was determined to make the best of it. I learned how to use my mouth and teeth to write again, and how to use my iPhone with a stylus between my teeth and lips.

But even with all the progress I made, it was hard to adjust to my new reality. I felt like a burden to everyone around me, and I became withdrawn and isolated. My friends tried to visit me, but I didn't want to see them. I felt like they were just pitying me.

That's when my parents decided that it would be good for me to go back to school. They thought it would help me get out of my shell and connect with people again. But what they didn't realize was that it would be a whole new challenge for me.

I returned to my old high school, and it felt like everything was foreign. The classrooms looked the same, but the people were different. My friends had moved on with their lives, and I felt like an outsider.

That's when Oliver came into the picture. He was assigned to be my assistant at school, kind of like a peer-to-peer mentor. He was assigned to help me with my daily tasks, like getting around campus and taking notes in class.

At first, I was hesitant around Oliver. I didn't know what to expect from him or if he would be able to handle the situation. But from the moment we met, he showed me that he was willing to listen and help in any way he could.

"Hey Jason, so I'm your assistant for this semester," Oliver said as we walked into our first class together. "I've heard a lot about you before you got hurt."

"Yeah, what's up?" I replied, trying to sound casual.

"I just wanted to say that I'm here for you, man," Oliver said as we sat down at our desks. "I know this is tough for you, but we'll get through it together."

I looked at him in surprise. No one had ever talked to me like that before. Most people just pitied me or didn't know what to say.

"Thanks, Oliver," I said sincerely. "That means a lot."

As we navigated through our first few weeks of school together, Oliver proved himself to be more than just an assistant. He became my friend, my confidant, and my partner in crime.

We would sit in class together, taking notes and whispering jokes back and forth. We would grab lunch together in the cafeteria, laughing about our favorite TV shows.

And even though I still struggled with feelings of insecurity and self-consciousness, Oliver was always there to remind me that I was more than my disabilities.

"You're still you, Jason," he would say whenever he caught me feeling down. "You're still the same person you've always been."

I knew he was right, but sometimes it took convincing myself of that.

Despite all the struggles I faced, there were moments when I felt like myself again. Like when Oliver and I would sit outside school during lunch break, feeling the wind in our hair (or in my case, on my stumps).

Or when we would have sleepovers at his house and watch movies until the morning light.

Or when we would have long conversations about life and our hopes and dreams for the future.

Those moments were like little glimpses of who I used to be before the accident.

And even though life had changed dramatically since then, I knew that as long as I had Oliver by my side, I could face whatever challenges came my way.

As the days went by, Oliver and I became inseparable. We would sit together at lunch, and Oliver would feed me from his own plate. He would carefully pick up pieces of food with his hands and bring them to my mouth. It was a sweet gesture, and I felt grateful to have him by my side.

"You know, Jason, I never thought I'd be doing this," Oliver said one day as he was feeding me a sandwich. "But it's actually kind of nice."

"Nice?" I repeated, surprised. "You're helping me eat like a baby!"

Oliver chuckled. "Well, you're not a baby, but you're definitely not eating like a normal person. But I don't mind. I like being able to take care of you."

I felt a flutter in my chest at his words. No one had ever taken care of me like that before. My parents had always been there for me, but it was different with Oliver. It was like he genuinely cared about me.

As we sat there eating, I couldn't help but notice how Oliver's eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled. Or how his hair curled slightly at the nape of his neck. Or how his voice was so deep and smooth.

"Hey, Jason," Oliver said, breaking into my thoughts. "Do you want to go to the mall with me this weekend?"

I hesitated for a moment before responding. "Yeah, sure. I could use some fresh air."

Oliver grinned. "Awesome! I'll pick you up from your house at 2 pm."

As we parted ways after lunch, I couldn't help but feel a sense of excitement building up inside me. Was it just because I was going to the mall with Oliver? Or was it because I was starting to develop feelings for him?

I didn't know for sure, but I couldn't deny the way my heart skipped a beat whenever he was around.

On Saturday, Oliver arrived at my house right on time and whisked me away to the mall. We spent the afternoon browsing through stores, laughing and joking together.

As we walked through the food court, Oliver grabbed two slices of pizza and held one piece in front of my mouth so that I could take small bites of it. "Here you go, Jason. You must be starving."

I smiled, feeling grateful for his thoughtfulness. "Thanks, man. You're a lifesaver."

He sat down at a table beside my wheelchair and we ate our pizza together, chatting about our favorite TV shows and movies.

As we finished up our lunch, Oliver turned to me and said, "You know, Jason, I'm really glad we're friends."

My heart skipped a beat again. Was he saying something more than that? Was he saying that he wanted to be more than just friends?

I looked up at him, trying to read his expression. But all I saw was his usual friendly smile.

"Yeah, me too," I said softly.

As we left the mall and headed back to Oliver's car, I couldn't help but feel a sense of excitement building up inside me again. Was it possible that something more than friendship could be blossoming between us?

I didn't know for sure yet, but one thing was certain: I was excited to find out.

As the weeks went by, Oliver and I grew closer and closer. We would spend hours together, exploring the town, watching movies, and just talking about life.

One day, as we were walking down the street, Oliver put his hand on my arm stump. I felt a surge of excitement and happiness.

"Hey, Jason," Oliver said, looking down at me with a smile. "Can I do something?"

"What is it?" I asked, my heart racing.

"Can I hold your arm stump?" Oliver asked, his eyes sparkling with amusement.

I hesitated for a moment before nodding. "Okay, but don't get too weirded out."

Oliver chuckled and took my arm stump in his hand. It felt strange at first, but as we started walking, I began to relax. It was actually kind of nice to have someone hold my arm stump like it was a real hand.

We walked hand in stump side by side, me using my wheelchair of course. People would stare as we passed by, but I didn't care. I was too busy enjoying the feeling of being held by Oliver.

As we walked, Oliver told me stories about his childhood and his family. I listened intently, feeling like I was getting to know him better than ever before.

Eventually, we came to a stop in front of a small park. Oliver turned to me and said, "Want to grab some ice cream?"

I nodded enthusiastically. Who doesn't love ice cream?

As we sat down on a bench to eat our ice cream cones, Oliver smiled at me. This time, it felt more intimate than before.

"Jason," Oliver said, looking down at me suddenly with a serious expression. "I want to tell you something."

I looked up at him, feeling a sense of trepidation. "What is it?"

"I think I might have feelings for you," Oliver said, his voice barely above a whisper.

My heart skipped a beat. Was he really saying that? Did he really feel that way?

I looked up at him, trying to read his expression. But all I saw was his usual friendly smile.

"I've been feeling this way for a while now," Oliver continued. "But I didn't know how to say it. I didn't know if you felt the same way."

I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. "I have feelings for you too," I said softly.

Oliver's smile widened as he leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips.

As we pulled away from each other, I felt a sense of happiness and relief wash over me. I had never felt this way before. It was like my heart was full of joy and love.

From that day on, Oliver and I were more than just friends. We were in love.

And as we sat there on the bench, holding hands and looking out at the park, I knew that nothing could ever take away what we had found.

As the days went by, Oliver and I continued to grow closer and closer. We would spend hours together, exploring the town, watching movies, and just talking about life.

One day, as we were sitting on the couch, Oliver turned to me and said, "Jason, I have an idea."

"What is it?" I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.

"I want to take you to the beach," Oliver said, his eyes sparkling with excitement. "I know it's a big deal for you, but I think you need a break from the daily routine. Plus, I've always wanted to see the sunset with you."

I felt a surge of excitement at the prospect. I had always loved the beach, but as a quad amputee, I had never thought it was possible for me to go.

"Are you sure it's okay?" I asked, feeling a bit self-conscious.

"Of course it's okay," Oliver said, his voice reassuring. "I'll take care of you. We'll make it work. We will take a manual wheelchair for you and if necessary I will carry you around."

I nodded, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. With Oliver by my side, I knew that anything was possible.

The day of the trip arrived, and Oliver came to pick me up from my house. He helped me into his car and drove us to the beach. As we arrived, I couldn't help but feel a sense of awe at the sight before me. Oliver carried me to the back of the carabiner he unfolded the manual wheelchair and sat me in it.

The beach was bustling with people, but Oliver didn't seem to care. He wheeled me out onto the sand, and we settled down to watch the sunset.

As we sat there, Oliver took my stump in his hand and began to draw patterns in the sand with my arm stump. I laughed at his silly antics, feeling a sense of joy and contentment that I had never felt before.

"Hey, Jason," Oliver said, looking down at me with a serious expression. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," I replied, looking up at him.

"Do you ever feel like you're missing out on things because of your...condition?" Oliver asked, his voice hesitant.

I hesitated for a moment before answering. "Yeah, sometimes. I feel like I'm not as capable as other people. Like I'm not as...normal."

Oliver's expression softened. "Jason, you are normal. You're just...different. And that's okay. You're still an amazing person, no matter what."

I felt a lump form in my throat as I looked up at him. No one had ever said anything so kind to me before.

"You're amazing too," I said softly.

Oliver smiled and leaned in to kiss me. As we sat there on the beach, watching the sunset together, I felt a sense of peace and happiness that I had never felt before.

As we drove back to my house that night, Oliver turned to me and said, "You know, Jason, I was thinking... maybe we could start planning a future together."

I felt my heart skip a beat at his words. Was he really saying what I thought he was saying?

"I mean," Oliver continued, "I know it's early days and all that, but...I really care about you, Jason. And I think we could make a great team."

I smiled up at him, feeling a sense of excitement and happiness wash over me.

"I'd like that," I said softly.

As we pulled into my driveway, Oliver leaned over and kissed me again. And as we sat there in the silence of the night, I knew that our future was bright and full of possibilities.

I couldn't believe how much my life had changed since I met Oliver. We had been dating for a few months now, and every day was an adventure. Oliver was always coming up with new ways to make me feel included and loved.

One day, as we were getting ready for bed, Oliver said, "Hey, Jason, can I ask you something?"

"Of course," I replied, looking up at him.

"Do you mind if I massage your arm stumps?" Oliver asked, his eyes sparkling with curiosity.

I felt a surge of excitement at the question. No one had ever asked me that before.

"Not at all," I said, smiling up at him.

Oliver nodded and gently reached out to touch and massage my arm stumps. It felt strange at first, but as he continued to touch them, I started to relax. It was actually kind of nice.

As we lay there in bed, Oliver began to stroke my arm stumps softly. I felt a sense of calm wash over me, and I couldn't help but let out a little sigh of pleasure.

Oliver looked up at me, his eyes shining with excitement. "You like that?" he asked.

I nodded, feeling a sense of shame wash over me. Was it okay to like this? Was it normal?

But Oliver just smiled and continued to touch me. "It's okay, Jason," he said softly. "I love you just the way you are."

As we drifted off to sleep that night, I felt a sense of peace and contentment that I had never felt before. It was like I had finally found my place in the world.

The next day, Oliver took me to the park. We sat down on a bench and watched the kids playing together. Oliver put his hand on my shoulder and looked me deep in the eyes.

"I love you, Jason," he said softly.

"I love you too," I replied, feeling a sense of happiness wash over me.

As we stopped at a small lake, Oliver started to stroke my arm stumps again. This time, I didn't feel any shame or embarrassment. I just felt happy and loved.

From that day on, Oliver would spend hours touching my stumps, holding the tips of my stumps like hands and touching my arm stumps. It was like we had finally found our own special way of being in love.

As we walked back to my house, Oliver turned to me and said, "Jason, I have an idea."

"What is it?" I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.

"I want to take you to the prom," Oliver said, his eyes sparkling with excitement.

I felt a surge of excitement at the prospect. Hadn't I always dreamed of going to prom?

"I'd love to," I replied, feeling a sense of happiness wash over me.

I couldn't believe it was finally prom night. Oliver and I had been planning this for weeks, and I was so excited to be going with him.

As we arrived at the prom venue, I could feel the excitement building up inside me. The music was pumping, and the lights were flashing, and everyone was having a great time.

Oliver helped me out of his car into my power wheelchair, and we made our way onto the dance floor. The DJ was playing one of my favorite songs, and I couldn't help but start moving to the beat.

I used my chin to control the power wheelchair, spinning it around in sync with the music. My arm stumps moving up and down to the beats. It was like I was dancing, but in my own special way.

Oliver laughed and cheered me on, and we danced together for hours. We were having the time of our lives, and I couldn't believe how happy I was.

As the night wore on, the DJ announced that it was time for the homecoming king and queen to be announced. Oliver and I exchanged nervous glances - we had both been hoping to win.

The DJ started counting down the votes, and when he finally announced that we had won, I couldn't believe it. I was overwhelmed with emotion, and tears started streaming down my face.

Oliver rushed over to me, holding me close. "Jason, I'm so proud of you!" he said, tears of his own in his eyes.

I couldn't speak - I was too overcome with emotion. Oliver just held me close, letting me cry it out.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I managed to speak. "I'm so happy," I whispered.

Oliver smiled and kissed me gently. "Me too," he said.

We hugged each other tightly, basking in the glow of our victory. We had done it - we had won homecoming King and Queen (or rather Prince)!

As we made our way off the dance floor, we were mobbed by our classmates, all congratulating us on our win. Oliver and I beamed with pride, he held my arm stump firmly in his hand and we were smiling at each other.

We spent the rest of the night taking photos and celebrating with our friends. It was truly a night to remember.

As we left the prom venue, Oliver turned to me and said, "You know, Jason, this has been the best night of my life."

I smiled, feeling a sense of happiness wash over me. "Mine too," I said stroking his side softly with my arm stump.

We kissed each other again, and then Oliver helped me back into his car out of my wheelchair. We drove home together, feeling like we were on top of the world.

And as we pulled into my driveway, Oliver turned to me and said, "You know what? I think this is just the beginning of our happily ever after."

I smiled up at him, feeling a sense of love and contentment that I had never felt before. "I think you might be right," I said.

We leaned in and kissed each other again, feeling grateful for this new chapter in our lives. And as we drove off into the sunset, I knew that no matter what challenges lay ahead, we would face them together - as long as we had each other.

I remember the day we graduated from high school like it was yesterday. Oliver and I had worked so hard to get to this point, and I couldn't believe that we were finally done.

As we walked into the graduation ceremony, I couldn't help but feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. I had done it - I had overcome my amputations and achieved my goal of graduating from high school.

Oliver and I sat together in the audience, beaming with pride as our classmates received their diplomas. When my name was called, I felt a surge of excitement and nervousness.

I made my way to the stage, using my power wheelchair to navigate the ramp up to the stage. As I reached the podium, I looked out at the crowd and took a deep breath.

"Thank you," I said, my voice shaking with emotion. "Thank you for this incredible honor. I am so proud to be standing here today, surrounded by so many amazing people."

I paused for a moment, taking in the sea of faces before me.

"I want to tell you all that I never thought I would be able to achieve this," I said, my voice growing stronger. "When I lost my arms and legs, people often told me that I would never be able to do anything. But I proved them wrong. I worked hard, and I never gave up."

I looked out at Oliver, who was smiling proudly at me from the audience.

"I have Oliver to thank for being my rock, my partner, and my best friend," I said. "He has been with me every step of the way, and I couldn't have done it without him."

The crowd erupted into applause as I finished my speech. Oliver came up to the stage and hugged me tightly, tears of pride streaming down his face.

After graduation, we packed up our belongings and headed off to college together. We had applied to a special accessible dorm room on campus, and we were excited to start this new chapter in our lives.

As we drove onto campus, we couldn't help but feel a sense of excitement and nervousness. We were starting fresh, making new friends and taking on new challenges.

We settled into our dorm room, which was equipped with all sorts of adaptive equipment to make life easier for me. We spent the first few days getting settled and exploring the campus.

As we sat in our dorm room one night, Oliver turned to me and said, "You know, Jason, I'm so proud of you. You've overcome so much already, and you're only going to continue to achieve great things."

I smiled, feeling a sense of gratitude and love for Oliver. "Thanks," I said. "I couldn't have done it without you."

We hugged each other tightly, feeling grateful for this new chapter in our lives.

And as we drifted off to sleep that night, we knew that we were ready for whatever lay ahead. We were ready to take on college life together, side by side, and make the most of every moment.

As we settled into our life at university, Oliver and I faced new challenges every day. We had to figure out how to navigate the campus, use the facilities, and keep up with our coursework.

But despite the challenges, we were determined to make the most of our time at university. We were excited to explore new interests, meet new people, and learn new things.

One of the biggest challenges we faced was finding ways to adapt to our daily routine. For me, this meant using my power wheelchair to get around campus, and relying on Oliver to help me with tasks that required two hands.

But Oliver was always there for me, cheering me on and helping me out whenever I needed it. He would carry my bags, open doors, and even help me eat when I needed it.

As we navigated the campus, we met all sorts of interesting people. There were students who were surprised by my disability, and didn't know how to react. But there were also students who were accepting and understanding, and didn't treat me any differently.

One day, while we were sitting in the cafeteria, a group of students came over to talk to us. They asked us about my disability, and how we had adapted to it. Oliver and I told them about our experiences, and how we had learned to rely on each other.

The students were amazed by our story, and thanked us for being so brave. One of them said, "You're an inspiration to us all. You're proof that anyone can overcome any obstacle with determination and perseverance."

Oliver and I smiled at each other, feeling grateful for the opportunity to share our story with others.

As we continued on our journey through university, we faced many more challenges. But we always found ways to overcome them, and come out stronger on the other side.

One day, while we were studying in the library, a student came up to us and asked if we would be interested in joining a student organization for people with disabilities. We were hesitant at first, but then decided to give it a try.

The organization was called "ABLE". It was a group of students who were passionate about promoting accessibility and inclusion on campus.

We joined the organization and quickly became involved in its activities. We helped plan events, created awareness campaigns, and advocated for changes in campus policy.

Through ABLE, we met other students who shared our passion for accessibility. We formed strong bonds with them, and felt like we had found a sense of belonging.

As we continued on our journey through university, Oliver and I grew closer and closer. We knew that we had each other's backs, no matter what challenges lay ahead.

And as we looked out at the world around us, we knew that anything was possible. We were proof that anyone could overcome any obstacle with determination and perseverance.

So if you're facing a challenge right now, just remember that you're not alone. There are people out there who care about you, who want to help you succeed.

And always remember that you are capable of overcoming anything. With determination and perseverance, you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

#cute guy #cute gay #cute twink #amputee stump #male amputee #quadruple amputee #quad amputee #amputee #amputeelife #amputeestrong #short story #love story #story #fiction #limbless

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monarchthefirst · 10 months

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Maedhros fanfic (haters-to-besties with Curufin, his most difficult sibling)

After Maedhros gets his hand chopped, he needs a new one of course. But not just any old prosthetic. A piece of true blacksmith genius, with movable joints and multiple weapon attachments. So he needs a true blacksmith for the job. With dad dead, his namesake Curufin would have to step in to do the job.

Curufin has his dad’s uncanny talent with metalwork. He also carries Feanor’s shrewd and sometimes vindictive and pitiless nature. He scorns weakness like a disease, and used to accuse Maedhros of “having too much heart” during his time leading the Noldor. Having followed his mother in personality, Maedhros has never gotten along well with this particular younger brother. Was it a good idea to ask such a favor? Was it a final opportunity to bring them together?

Maedhros: “I’m sick of being afraid. Of people. The fear of my father and his unattainable standards and his erratic temper. The fear of being found wanting as a leader by my people. The fear of being judged by my younger brothers. I just wanted to be strong, perfect, and exemplary. Like they all wanted me to be. But Morgoth broke me and taught me what I actually was: a half-grown exile trying to be a character he had created in his imagination. His torments taught me that I needed people, that I couldn’t do all this alone. Thank the gods I have been blessed with Finno’s forgiveness, as well as my uncle’s. But I live with my brothers. I need their support the most. Could this be a chance to finally connect with my most difficult and judgmental sibling? Or is it just an opportunity for more pain? (Why am I so afraid?)”

***

Maedhros (presents a rough design on a wide piece of parchment): “I’m not the best at this, admittedly. What does it look like to you?”

Curufin (rubs his chin): “Not terrible. Might need more dimensions. You’re not a small person, Maitamo. You know that.”

Maedhros: “I was actually thinking you could lend a hand with that. (Chuckle) No pun intended.”

***

Curufin: “Call this awkward. I know what you’re thinking. If Maglor hadn’t basically begged me to be merciful with him, I’d probably turn this down. Why unearth bad feelings anyway?

I just hate weakness! Whenever Maedhros flinched at his duty of leading us in Ada’s stead, he had no idea how much I pitied him. But I did not want to pity him! I wanted a god I could idolize like I had in Ada! Maedhros did not have Ada’s steel in him. And the more I pitied him, the more I hated him, and myself for it. You are not supposed to have such feelings for a leader!

Well, shit. Just play along. This is the nicest he’s ever been, anyway. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Curufin (half-smiles; takes the parchment and looks it over.) “Yeah let me give it a try. Shouldn’t be too hard.”

TO BE CONTINUED

#maedhros #whump fic #silmarillion fic #whump writing #curufin #whump tropes

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ijustwannaasksomething · 1 year

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Hey, so are you taking a break from writing? Is everything ok or are just not feeling like writing for now? I miss your Soft Sounds but I'll understand if you don't have any plans to continue it

They there.

I am so happy you inboxed me. It means a lot to me when people reach out to me past the comment section of my fics and I really feel like we have connected!

As promised, a small update.

So, 2022 has been... a lot. (This is a life update, not a cry for sympathy, help or anything. I speak from my heart and I ask you not to worry about me or have pity. This is life the way it is meant to be; with highs and lows.)

I dare say it has been the worst year of my life. *inserte the worst year of your life so far meme*.

It had a good start, but then I had an accident and couldn't really walk for a while, in spring I'll need a second surgery and I hope I'll be free of the lasting pain after that.

Recovery took a lot of me, I am also thinking about my carreer and how I want to further my education or explore new paths. I have untangled family relationships and struggled in social constellations which almost took the love of my hobby cosplay from me.

So, there has been a lot on my plate.

I started therapy, I ended theray and well... the biggest reason I didn't continue Soft Sounds is that my relationship of seven years almost ended and is still uncertain. I say this without blame, but depression is a bitch. It's too hard for me to write about a blossoming love which can brave the odds, when the person I want to face life's challenges with is warped by an invisible illness that has such deep lows that feel like I am losing myself in the darkness as well.

Depression is cruel, it twists and tears and rearranges the person you love and sometimes I feel like I'm standing in front of a shell instead of my beloved.

This is one of the reasons I do lack the muse to write at all at the moment. I like writing love, romances, I like to believe I write real stories with ups and downs and character development but it feels so fake sometimes, because I know no matter how hard I want to hold on to this, I cannot control it. I am a sucker for a happy ending, as Martha Dunnstock has put it so eloquently. And I am wondering about my own.

While that all sounds dire, I am currently in a very good place.

As I said, I started and ended therapy and it's been a good experience. I learned a lot about myself and most importantly: I learned about letting go. I learned about giving up control, about accepting the things I cannot change. It has taken a lot of anxiety from me and for the first time in my life I have learned to look after and take care of myself. To put put the focus on me because I am the variable I can change.

In my last session I said: I don't know what the future may hold, but I'm not afraid. Those are words I'd like to give to you for this new year.

Do not be afraid.

Because with acceptance comes calm. For the first time I have felt calm, even empty because the storm of anxiety, responsability and the need to be in control and the one to blame were gone.

I do not know where life will lead me, but I am looking forward to this year. There are many things I want to do, many roads I want to explore. I want to listen to what my body tells me (because that's something I haven't done at all and it's so refreshing) and take what life has to offer.

Where does that leave me as an author?

You might have noticed my usage of semicolons in Soft Sounds, I think I used them so often it's become my thing for this story. So, so; I will continue. I want to finish Soft Sounds because it means so much to me, as soon as I have the capactiy to do so. I want to write not only this fanfic but many more, with happy endings.

Because that's what makes me happy.

So I do wish you, sterzin, and all the other readers a wonderful 2023. I wish you a year of bravery, of joy, of new roads ahead of you. Trust me, you don't have to be afraid. Life is tough and mean and sometimes it feels like you just cannot go one more step, but I promise you, it does. Every day is a small step and you don't realise how far you've come.

I love you and thank you for your support.

Love;

I just wanna ask something

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skylarmoon71 · 9 months

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Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)- Chapter 8

You’ve been wondering what this truly means for you.

You don’t feel much different, yet this is the first time that you’ve remained in the present time. So something must have changed.

“Everything works, no problems?”

“None.”

You assure Leo.

You’re at the usual spot. Though the both of you had spent that morning celebrating, as the days pass, you know he’s a little worried. You are too.

There is one particular thing that is fresh in your mind.

“I never said thank you.”

Leo loses his train of thought when you look over at him. You’re both sitting fairly close.

“You stayed with me all night. It was selfish of me to ask you to do that. Being the one who would have to carry my body back. It was unfair."

You knew that, but at the moment, you just wanted the comfort that only Leo could provide.

“It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. You were scared. You needed me, so I did what I had to. I knew from the start what was going to happen. You never hid it from me. If you had passed on, I’m glad that I was able to be the last thing you saw when you left."

You feel like tearing up again. You shift a bit closer, and your hands brush. Your eyes moved down. You can’t seem to stop yourself from gently holding his hand. That warmth feels so safe. Leo swallows at the touch.

His hand is so much bigger than your palm.

Your eyes finally connect again. Somehow the blue of those eyes are all you ever want from life.

“(Y/N) I’m-”

“Are you uncomfortable?”

You don’t really let go, even after you ask the question.

“No I just..”

He’s not sure what to say.

“I have feelings for you Leo.”

His eyes are wide.

“I don’t know if it’s because you tried so hard at the very beginning to convince me that there was more in the world than pain. Before I met you I had every intention of leaving this world without a second thought. But you made me question everything. Challenge everything. That night I..I wanted nothing more than to tell you how I felt, but I knew I’d leave and it was selfish to say that when I know we wouldn’t be able to ever have a future. I was terrified of so much back then. But I’m not anymore."

He can feel the slight tremors in your hands.

“I know there is a chance that you don’t really reciprocate these feelings. Even so I’d still like it if we can be-”

“I have feelings for you too.”

You pause.

“From the second you told me I think I..I became protective. Maybe at the start it was just pity. But the more time we spent the harder it was becoming for me to stop thinking about you. It felt easier to keep it to myself. I didn’t want you to leave with anymore regrets. I couldn’t.”

You internalize all that is said, and Leo squeezes your hand.

“Just so you know, I’m still not completely won over by every person on this planet.”

“Why’d you have to ruin such a great moment.”

You laugh, and Leo joins in.

It’s clear he still has a lot of work to get done.

#reincarnation #tmnt leonardo #family #happyendings #cute #live #trust #new beginnings #newyork #tmnt fluff #leoxreader #understanding #care

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fuckandfable · 7 months

Text

Do not weep for me, I am no longer hungry

Today I feel so loved. I feel seen spiritually. Do you know how hard it is to be seen spiritually? Everyone is so distracted by the physical vessel that we neglect seeing into this vessel.

Everyone has spirit. I can feel it when I walk by them. Like their spirit looks right at me, turning its head but never the vessel.

I think about the man in the grocery store and our interaction. It was nothing short of spiritual, and I believe that he was also longing to feel. I do feel a bit of pity for him, he hides behind his good looks, and wants someone more intelligent to teach him about life and what it means to love. I wanted to dive into him simply because I can feel this energy spewing from his vessel. It was oceanic and after all I am the goddess of love. Well, now that’s just my womanly ego speaking.

I think about him often and if our paths will ever cross again.

I know that I am not like most women, I dive without holding my breath and willingly drown. I feel like my own husband sees me as a something so shallow, but I think that is my own insecurities beating me to the punch. 🥊

There was a long period of time when I walked through life with my spirit completely deceased. Unmotivated and closed off from the energy fields, and I am convinced that the majority is currently walking around cut off. Only a handful of people truly listen to their spirit and I can easily recognize this. I don’t want to say that I was lost, but I was. I found myself somewhere laying in a dark forest, but now? Now I am the moon, and most people don’t understand how significant the moon’s light can be in total darkness. I’m learning to accept this and to not take it personally, for it does not reflect on my power. I remain open to the world surrounding me. I remain consistent in the spreading of love, truth, beauty, perspective and peace. It is what people long for in such a world of spiritual illness. I am not the cure by all means, I am simply the medicine.

Today I added two more snails and shrimp to my little aquarium. They bring me so much stimulation and joy that I couldn’t resist the urge to add more life. A world within a world. Two different ways of life taking care of each other. It serves my womanly nature perfectly.

Stay true to yourself and your spirit and you will find it to be the most advantageous choice you have ever made in your entire life. Giving you the confidence you indirectly seek. I am eternally grateful that I have the time to look inside myself and truly be alone with myself. That I have the ability to detach from myself and observe. I will admit that it is a hard process at times, but nothing good is ever easy. The more I practice the quicker I can learn. I want to help people be able to do the same.

In several months I will have all my children in school and entire seven hours will be devoted to me and me alone. I get impatient thinking about it because I haven’t had this much consistent time alone in sixteen years. I imagine what I would do with that time and I’m overwhelmed with ideas. I think the first few weeks I shall do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Stare out the windows as long as I want, take my time with errands, slow my walking, slow my processing. I am working on valuing the time I have with all of them right now. Sometimes it is hard to connect with all of them at the same time because of their various ages, but I have always enjoyed a challenge. Getting to know my children on a personal level brings me great joy. I am pleased to hear their creative minds speak. I am working on providing them a safe spot for them to be themselves and learn how to self regulate emotions and thought. To think that I there is something much more rewarding in the world is ridiculous. This is what I was born to do. Change lives.

-x

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gonewith-thewind · 9 months

Text

I got this silly little feeling that takes the form of a blob guy again : (

Silly goofy guys from my life don’t mind this

I don’t want to call myself touch starved, because it isn’t like I don’t get physical touch, but sometimes, man. Someone told me something akin to ‘you can choose from like everyone’(relating to physical touch) and that is just a blatant lie??? People pair off a lot, and I’m not paired off with so I have like two people who will, one of which ends up paired off, and the other one I’m not around a lot and seems to be less interested nowadays. So like no I don’t???? I’m not super picky, there are 1 person I would never, one that maybe but like it isn’t what I’m looking for, and this one other guy that tbh I’m not going to go into the specifics there. 3 people isn’t a lot, the group referred to is mid sized.

I’ve never really cared if the affection was platonic or romantic tbh, I just want some. I want to be in a relationship, but for reasons I know I shouldn’t be and don’t feel comfortable doing so rn, so I’m relying on just platonic which is like nothing, I don’t get any. My main love language is physical touch but you couldn’t even tell at this point jdfjfifofnfdj

I just deal with it most of the time, but sometimes it just hits me man. And there isn’t anything I can do. A lot of the time it hits at my house, and the times it’s hit around people, who would I even ask???? No one. Cause I don’t tell people about this shit. I don’t want pity.

Pity is just a surface level emotion, a lack of any lasting feeling under it. Pity feels a little superficial. But relying on memory doesn’t fucking work. I want a person to be there and care, I guess. Not that people don’t care. They do. Honestly im slowing caring less deeply. Because I cared the way I wanted to be cared for so long. And it didn’t work. I wasn’t cared for like that. And the people I know now may never care for me like that. I really like them. But sometimes I crave new people so much. But I have to wait to meet them. One year. One year until I can meet new people. One year to stay with these people and see if anything changes. It got better. But some days, I remember why it isn’t worth it. When I’m happy, it’s great, but then I go home and cry. And a lot of times I have no one to cry to. So I cry quietly. I barely let the tears out, so it doesn’t really help. This got a little off topic, so the rest of that is a vent for another day.

But I don’t know what to do when the feeling in my stomach starts speaking louder, saying ‘ maybe it won’t hurt to call yourself touches starved. About time you crave that physical affection hard again, eh? Go try and remember that hug. It won’t help really. Gosh, when was the last time you had a good cuddle? You remember, but it didn’t go well. It got interrupted. they went back into pairs. And you snuck off for another one, in hopes of cuddling well. Can’t do that again. The other part of their pair got upset. why bother? It’s nice, but in moments like these it doesn’t help much. She doesn’t really cuddle back. Says she likes it, but lays kind of like a plank.

You want a good hug, huh? Not for you, buddy boy. No hug that shows they care, an embrace that feels comforting. Nope. Just lay there. Maybe the pillow will help to simulate a real person. Not much, but it’s the best you’ve got. It really is. Unfortunately. Try compacting yourself in a small space. Can’t feel the gap where another person could be, the lack of that connection, if you are compressed. That’ll work, but not THAT much, since you don’t have a tight enough space.

I just.

I don’t know what to do when a wave hits. I can deal with the normal amount, but when it does happen I’m lost on solutions. If you see this and got to here, please send me advice, if you have any. Tbh, knowing someone saw this and tried helps anyways.

#venting #vent ish #touch starved #personal #advice #advice please #looking for advice #shit post #someone help #please #physical touch #love langauges #affection #lack of affection

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butchniqabi · 2 years

Note

You definitely know how to leave a reader thirsty for more lol I have some questions about The Sea, the seas, the open sea if you don’t mind? Also! Also! The covers for that story are absolutely fantastic! I had a hard time choosing which was my favorite. Both covers (if one were to read the synopsis) give a hint of what the device does to the two remaining crew members but the cover that says “the connection was unearthly.”…ominous, if I do say so myself and especially great foreshadowing that the characters seem to not make it on the other side as they once were. But I’m getting ahead of myself 😅😅😅 I’m acting like you’ve written and published your story already and I have read it in its entirety (not just the two snippets). The gethsemane covers are beautiful too and I wouldn’t be able to pick from those options either lol Anyway! Do you have face claims for Alishba and Luevenia? Also, they are both beautiful names 😊 Do they mean anything and what made you pick those names out? When your reader gets to the end of your story what do you hope you’ve made them feel? Or a point you where able to get across? Lastly, I saw that isolation is a theme so I curious if it’s an entity in this story or a very tangible feeling? Ofc, noooo pressure to answer any of these if that’ll spoil your story 😁 thank you for sharing your stories, however small and brief, with not only me but the world! - 🌊 anon

gotta break this up into chunks hehehe

1. its okay sometimes i talk about my work like ive finished it too qdgebendnd. the binary code cover originally looked like this:

and if the binary code converter i used is accurate (no guarantees) it should say "i love you i hate you i am you" over and over. and heh...the connection is unearthly and it is as beautiful as it is. kinda gross!

2. i generally dont have faceclaims anymore! idk what shifted but as i got more into writing the less hm...clear? the faces of my characters became? like i have vague ideas and i know what they Dont look like, but no concrete visual references. as for their names, they are very pretty hehe but i didnt choose them for any symbolic meaning, the names just suited the characters!

3. what do i want my reader to feel? hm. well for context this story was inspired a large part by this astronaut comic (tws for gore and body horror </3) and its not really the same, its not like their bodies are broken down or used for parts, stuff like that. but i want to leave people with a similar feeling when you read the last line of that comic. a strange pitiful longing with an undercurrent of unease (or even disgust?). if i say what i hoped readers took away from the story though id be spoiling it a teensy bit...but i ill just say sometimes you only realize your place in the world and with others after youve destroyed everything else.

4. isolation in this context is kind of like a character? perhaps? ive been treating the story as one with 4 protagonists: alishba and luevenia, obviously, but also the love-in-winter and "the space left behind" by their crewmates (aka isolation and loneliness). i suppose in a sense you could go so far as to say that isolation is the antagonist of the story, pushing them to desperation.

5. and finally, THANK YOU SOOO MUCH IM GLAD YOURE ENJOYING IT 😭 sending you a thousand kisses 😚

#asks #the sea the sea the open sea #hope i answered everything qtwhenkdkff #if not...well you know where to find me

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posting-cringe · 3 months

Text

encounter

fuck you.

fuck you!

you're not my mom! but it feels like you are

i just need someone to believe me.

i just need someone to believe that i've been in pain. because i was a man. because of it. together with it. inescapably because of it.

i think transition is impossible.

i'm angry at you. i'm howling in pain because of what i took from you, i took you saying that i'm not actually a woman, and that because i'm not now, i never will be. your confusion that this was something i wanted rather than something i am felt cruel, cut cruelly deep, like a knife.

i feel like you don't think i should transition.

i feel like you think it's misplaced energy.

you don't seem to understand.

is it not fucking obvious?! is it not so fucking self-evident how miserable i've been?

the thought of going back to living as a guy, in whatever way, is unspeakably, unimaginably awful and horrific. even though i kind of feel like i still am. there's distance there.

and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. these 8 years i've been living, orienting towards a future where i'm more with my body, where i'm through this. that's made it bearable. right now that feels too far away to see. right now i'm just in the tunnel. maybe i'll even get ripped backwards, to the side before i even came in at all. had a moment of picturing horrific violence done to my body (not in a suicidal way) - remembering when i thought about that regularly, in college - picturing myself getting annihilated in a thousand different ways; all totalizing. shattering.

this idea that the shame and self-hatred i have towards myself as a man, towards my masculine body, is...irrational. that i'm too traumatized or too much of a bitch to just accept and feel good and grateful about my body as it is; that i've somehow become brainwashed or deluded or preyed on by the SJWs or radical feminists or whatever into hating myself; i'm deluded and not in touch with the reality that "it's OK to be a man."

maybe that's what's so fucking cruel and hard about this. i really deeply believe that it's natural to want to be a woman. i really genuinely deeply belief that men are predatory, that i as a man have predatory tendencies, that men can't be trusted; that men aren't worthy of love. i look down on straight women because of this. i

with my head, i'm able to assert that this isn't true; a small part of me knows this, sometimes. but...it's small. i feel a lot of contempt for the men in my life. i pity them; i feel like they live small and emotionally impoverished lives; i'm resentful of them for not being able to provide an emotionally satisfying connection in friendship.

i can't solve this intellectually: how do i learn that the things i believe to be universal self-evident truths are in fact particularities of my own experience?

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kaijumilf · 1 year

Text

~~~ventpost~~~

lmao the way i am this close to blowing my brains out. not literally i dont have access to a gun. but i have access to other methodsa nd i amd so soso fucking tired of being alive in thsi moment. i am so heavily plagued with the curse of existing this way that it makes it impossible for me to make real connections with people.

i have two people in my life at this moment that make literally any of this worth doing. they both live states away. one across the country and the other is closer but then also moving east coast sometime soon. i love them dearly but i dont know if i can keep this up.

everyone else who i wind up having any sort of friendship or connection with winds up finding out just how fucked up i am medically and mentally ill and traumatized and literally on the verge of a full spiral into madness i am, and they dont mean to detach or hurt me, but they just literally cannot comprehend what the fuck my life is or has been, and then they slowly but surely phase out of my life.

its just literally impossible to make anything other than surface level friendships when literally the only thing underneath the first layer of optimism and kindness i have is just rot rot rot rot. and its not even like its the actual truama or neurodivergencies or on and off drug addictions or chemical waste damage or amount of dead people i carry with me that is making me want to kill myself, its the fact that all of that means i am so far removed from anyone else i ever meet in terms of relateability or shared life experience that i end up scaring people away by just how severely fucked up i am.

I am at peace with my life and past and who i am and actually proud of how ive been able to keep living out of sheer strength of will despite every aspect of my life being so so fucked up, and god seemingly wanting me dead. i go through life looking for and finding the bright things and i am fully WANTING to live and thrive and im trying so fucking hard but. i dont know how much longer living is sustainable when all i can be for other people is a spectacle of pity.

i just want to be loved. and not in the way most people do where they can only love the parts i have been purposefully cultivating as kind and positive and genuinely a good presence in peoples lives since i was a child. the moment they start learning anything about my past that, they are repulsed. and not in a malicious way. no one ever hates me or dislikes me really, they just cannot handle that amount of radioactivity. and i dont blame them. im untouchable past being “inspirational” or “admirable”.

no one wants to touch this kind of decaying beast, no one wants to take home the damaged animal. im like. im a being so malformed that despite feeling sympathy or love for them, people can only love how resilient i am as a symbol of awe and admiration. its pity. its sympathy. thats all i ever am.

i dont want people to feel bad for me when i talk about my life. thats just my life! thats just how it is and it is part of me and im fucking sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. i dont want the “oh my god im so sorry you had to go through that” kind of love. i want the damage to be loved too. i want to be loved fully. i want to be seen as whole. the holes in me are part of me too. and if people will only ever able to love me “despite” those holes then i dont want to be loved.

love me wholly or not at all. id rather be openly hated than seen as someone to be handled delicately. id rather be openly hated than someone who’s past and personal issues makes other people uncomfortable because of how ugly it is. i dont want people to feel bad for me.

this is just who i am and who i will always be, and i am just fine with that! i just want to be treated normally when i talk about my life experiences and joke about them the way most people tell funny stories about high school or their childhood. i want people to laugh with me. but because literally not one area of my life, not one part of my past is not deeply disturbing in some manner, people just cannot laugh with me. they take it as a cry for help or somehow more disturbing that i laugh at the frankly ridiculous amounts of shit ive been through.

but thye dont understand that thats not me coping in an unhealthy manner. im fully aware of how fucked up my entire life has been. i acknowledge it. i accept it. i can laugh at it becasue, Yeah! its insane! truly laughably tragic my entire existence has been. but thats okay!!!!! its fine!!! like im fucked up but i can live with it without constantly being miserable about it!!!! but that doesnt mean i can just go through life without talking abiut it either because its just literally what my life has been. there would be nothing to talk about in terms of who i am if the disturbing parts were off the table.

i invite people to laugh with me! i invite people to find the humor in suffering! i invite people to see these parts of me because i cannot live a life where i am only ever presenting the pretty and relatable parts of me. there arent many of those. and its fucking tiring and frankly more damaging to me to try and pretend thats not the case. i refuse to live like that.

i cannot and will not constantly despair and about the fucked up parts of my life, but i also cannot and refuse to be dishonest about those parts existing for the sake of palatability / being relatable. that would just result in me not just being extremely emotionally repressed but also never having the ability to experience true connection with people, because they would never actually know me. i dont want to live like that.

but unfortunately, im coming to the realization that i dont think there will ever be more than those 2 people who will ever truly know me or ever WANT to. one of them being someone who shared much of my trauma, and the other who has a frankly kind of unsettling amount of at least direct parallels if not the exact same experiences. and neither of them share all of my bullshit in full! but they still love me for the things we dont share, not in spite of them. and i love them both so so so much but i cant go on feeling like either this fucking walking carcass that everyone else in my life sees me as.

i dont want to. i dont want to be this fucking alone. i dont want to be in this glass coffin display case, a thing to point at and go “wow!! its a fucking miracle that wretched thing is still alive at all!! what resilience!!! how inspirational!!!! now lets move on so we dont have to look at the poor thing, its kind of gross. but now at least i can be grateful im not them!!” its fucking torture to be real. truly agonizing.

if thats all people can ever benefit from my existing then honestly. i dont want to be resilient. i dont want to be a survivor. i just cant fucking do this i cant. im tired of being untouchable. im tired of being radioactive. its no one elses fault, i can empathize with their discomfort. but. i just want to be newton. i want to be me, fully and honestly, but still just newt, still just a person. and still loved for all of it. i dont. i dont think thats possible though. and im so fucking lonely. lonelier than god indeed. i might just join him up there. i mean. whats the point of dragging on this existence when it obviously must be inhumane. im a dog whos been under too many tires.

i may be breathing, i may be full of love and the desire for life. but im also in so much pain all the time. not because of the broken body, but because i cannot be held by anyone without fear. without their worry of breaking me further. and that makes me wish i hadnt survived at all.

people joke about dying wrong. but i think my problem isnt that i died wrong, but that i didnt die at all. and thats a miracle, sure. but its also hideous. IM hideous. im wretched. i should be dead. i dont want to be. but i dont want to be whatever monstrous existence this could be considered.

#newt speaks #vent post #suicide tw

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ocean-anchored · 1 year

Text

Dear future self… February 6, 2023

Things I’m thankful for this past week - rest and my family.

Spent some quality time with meliss on Wednesday going for wings and shopping which was nice. I feel like we haven’t had one on one time in a little while so it was needed. Gamed with Steven Friday night which was fun. Went snowshoeing for the first time with Amber, we did Sawmill loop in kananaskis and it was such a perfect day. It was beautiful, a great trail, warm & nova was amazing. I seriously love this girl Amber, she’s like a long lost sister. We just talk for hours and hours about everything. We talked about how some people just drain your energy & when you leave from hanging out, you’re tired & empty. I don’t ever feel that with her. She’s always so bright & happy, she’s so funny but we can have serious, deep conversations too & we always seem to be on the same page or so similar in things. I really feel like she’s going to be a lifer and I hope she is.

Sunday was good, finished the essentials group. Sometimes I feel pressured at this church because they emphasize on growing & outreach in the community etc. the essentials group was really good and amazing at explaining things, explaining how important church is and that when you’re Christian, everyone’s a disciple. I feel very overwhelmed by it though, maybe because I always see it in a bible thumping way, or people who shove religion down people’s throats but God knows I’m not like that, I know he can change me but I don’t feel called to go around telling people they’re going to hell if they don’t accept Jesus & believe He died for their sins. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. It’s really sad & I really can never comprehend what life is after death, being in the kingdom of God. What does it look like to live forever in spirit? To be in the heavens? There’s no sorrow, no shame, no sadness, no anger, no resentment, no self pity, no worthlessness. I can’t even imagine it and then imagining that some people in my life and so much of this world isn’t going to experience that because they’re not saved, idk that’s such a big task. Such a big burden almost. It’s hard to comprehend. Church is really good & every teaching has explained so much to me. We’re going through the book of Genesis & I’ve never truly understood it like I have been now. I’m always so challenged & the pastor always unlocks so much more in a few verses that I never understood before. It’s crazy but amazing. It’s nice to be meeting more people and seeing some of the same faces. Putting myself out there and going to more groups to meet people.

I really do feel like this year there’s a shift. That I feel like I’m finally focused on the important things in life & God is showing up. In so many places. Like God has literally done so much, opened so many doors, closed so many doors and has brought so many opportunities already this year that it makes me so excited. I’m happy. Like yah I have some moments where I’m sad I’m not in a certain place, or doing something else, or have found a partner, but I’m actually happy. So much good has come in the last couple months.

I’m really excited for this girls trip. I’ve never had a girls trip before and to think that I’ve been dying to have girl friends for literal years. Like how many times have I written, have I prayed, have I told my mom that I so crave some good girl connections. It’s been years. & now to be planning a tropical trip in April, I’m so excited.

I always tend to start writing right before bed, so I always feel like I’m trying to hurry up and type whatever overview I can so I can go to bed. I need to get better at sitting down at my computer and writing things out and getting out more details and feelings. I really want to get back into the shadow work & questions again. I really need to prioritize my routine. Get back into exercising and working out in the evening. Get back into reading before bed. Get back into drawing. Baking even. I’ve done a bit of baking but not a lot. Amanda got me into puzzles so now I want to get one to work on while I watch a show. I always feel like I have so many things I want to do in a day and I get overwhelmed and I can’t do them all and then a bunch of days pass and I feel like shit because I end up not doing any. It’s almost like I need to write a weekly schedule and carve out time for specific things on specific nights but I don’t want to be strict with my entire night planned out but then again I feel like I need some sort of structure that I know I can adjust accordingly. Maybe I’ll look at that this week.

#personal #dear future self #weekly update #journalling #weekly journal

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sometimesrosy · 1 year

Note

I think you’re misunderstanding me, I’m not exactly looking for reasons to take pity for why I can’t change my life, I’m just listing my worries and what’s going to keep me up at night. It’s a rant, basically. As for the courses, I have done many online stuff about languages as you’ve listed and the side jobs are in translation, but to improve my CV and make the big companies look at it, I kinda need to have official courses there. Unfortunately, where I live, many people get accepted through connections. I don’t have those, so I need to step up. It’s hard, of course: I’m talking big names like Repsol and Galp. Anyway, I was just ranting, wasn’t exactly looking for excuses for where to put my frustrations in. I know I have to work on myself and not blame my boyfriend. Sorry :/

Okay. I understand. Everyone needs to rant sometimes. I get it.

I guess I was confused because it seemed like you were asking me for advice.

Although if I were to give you advice with what you're saying here is you just have to have some patience and keep trying and looking into new avenues. Exactly what you're doing.

It's hard sometimes. And if you don't have connections it can be harder.

But be aware that once you do finally figure it out and a get a job that fits with your education and goals then none of this will be a problem anymore.

You'll have other problems, but these things that seemed insurmountable will just not be an issue anymore.

So keep in mind that this is just a passing phase. Ten, five years, a year from now you will see that this was just a pause in time.

(and stop being angry with your boyfriend for being okay where things are and you not having the job you want.)

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tranz-regent · 1 year

Text

I posted 1,127 times in 2022

That's 915 more posts than 2021!

239 posts created (21%)

888 posts reblogged (79%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@rainfrazier

@artbyblastweave

@ozymoron

@shootmeintheasse

@jervis-tetch-my-beloved

I tagged 421 of my posts in 2022

#wildbow - 60 posts

#worm - 48 posts

#parahumans - 41 posts

#potap readz pact - 39 posts

#ward - 22 posts

#taylor hebert - 15 posts

#alec vasil - 13 posts

#azkz - 11 posts

#anon - 10 posts

#regent - 8 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#hehehehehehhehehehehehehhehehehehhehehehehehhehehehehhehehehehehhehehehehhehehehehhehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehhehehehehehhehehehehehehheh

My Top Posts in 2022:

ive zeen zome poztz abt people findingg the s9 arc in worm boring and hard to get through. which iz wierd to me becauze whike the characterz themzelvez werent too interezting, they were ztill a whole mezz of new powerz and conflictz to deal with, ezpecially with the nomination gamez

47 notes - Posted September 27, 2022

itz real to ME

48 notes - Posted August 3, 2022

did a bunch of other characterz, here iz taylor!

54 notes - Posted May 5, 2022

*inhalez*

AAAAAAAA

See the full post

66 notes - Posted February 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

" “Eh. It’s hard to explain. He cultivated us, bred for us, went miles out of his way to get us back if a member of his ‘family’ was taken from him. Mounted a freaking crusade if it came down to it. But when we were around, he paid almost no attention to us kids. When he did pay attention, it was to discipline us or test us. Discipline usually meant getting a dose of paralyzing terror for not listening to him, insulting him or even looking him in the eye, sometimes. Testing happened on our birthdays or if he’d had a bad day… he’d try to set up a trigger event. Not supposed to be so hard, given that we were second generation capes, obviously, but he started when we were eight or so.” “How old were you? When your powers showed?” I asked, quiet, feeling intense pity not only for Heartbreaker’s victims, but for the kids in that situation. Whatever my feelings, Alec managed to look bored with the topic. “Hard to tell. Since I didn’t go to school, and nobody really kept records, I lost track of the years. Ten or eleven, maybe. I was his fourth kid to show powers, and there were eighteen or so of us when I left. Most of ’em were babies, though.” Which made him, not Grue, the one of us with the most experience and seniority. Alec shrugged, “So yeah. I worked for him for three or four years. We did jobs, I learned the family trade. Called myself Hijack at first. He started to get on my case. I think maybe he was having trouble affecting me the same way he did before my powers kicked in, so he compensated for that by riding me. Pushed my limits, made me do stuff that was dangerous, stuff that was hard on my conscience. Wanted me to break, beg him to stop, so he’d have leverage to get me to do what he wanted.” “And?” “And he ordered me to kill this foot soldier for a group trying to push us out of their territory. After I was done, he told me I did it wrong, that I had to do it again with a captive we’d taken, and I knew no matter what I did, he’d make me keep doing it. Just another way of pushing my limits. I had convinced myself I didn’t care about the people I was hurting or about this guy I’d just killed, and maybe I didn’t. Maybe I don’t, still. Dunno. But it was so pointless.” He shrugged, “I didn’t see a real reason to stay. Walked away. Changed my name, got fresh ID, changed my villain name too.” He’d killed someone on his father’s orders, which made him the second killer in the group. Armsmaster must have dug up that detail & drawn the right conclusions after connecting Alec to his prior alter ego. “When did this happen, this killing?” I asked, quiet, “How old were you when you killed that guy?” “Hmm. I’d been gone for about two years before the boss got in touch with me, which was about this time last year, so three years ago. I would’ve been twelve or thirteen.” "

196 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

ozy. how are u in all of theze.

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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crazylil-lion · 2 years

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After answering that anon I think it brings up a good point.

It's hard for me play it honestly makes me sad.

I don't know if its because I'm demi and need that connection with someone maybe not demi but I need a deep connection with someone before I would want to play with them.

I know it bothers me because I feel my lack of actual experience = I'm unlovable no one could want to kiss me because no one ever has.

Same with sex and all intimacy.

I realize this isn't the "truth" right like objectively I realize that's not the case.

I'm actually unlovable for other reasons but thats a rant for a different time.

Yet knowing logically my thoughts and feelings are wrong they still cause so much pain.

Absolutely crushing pain. When I KNOW what I am feeling what I am thinking is wrong.

This is my distorted reality. Regardless of knowing it or not its a battle with yourself.

My thoughts. My feelings. Are lying to me. My reality isn't real.

I sit here and argue constantly with myself always asking if my reaction is appropriate. Am I just imaging or are they being rude?

Its awful knowing sometimes my brain lies but its worse knowing people out there use that to gaslight people like me.

So anything I bring up that they don't agree with is played of as it's just because of my bpd. Thats why I feel this way. Its not real. Even over things that are genuinely bad or toxic on their part.

Its so hard for me to know what to trust.

Everyone has always lied and manipulated me to get what they want. Used my emotions broke me until I don't even know if my reality is real. I can't trust my thoughts or feelings.

This shows in my biggest fear. Abandonment. You can tell me you love me but I'll still fear its a lie. Or its from pity. Or you are just looking for someone better. So I ask for validation constantly and do silly stuff like spam and call them crying because their tone was off.

It's hard to imagine anyone wanting to be around me when I'm a constant swirling hurricane of emotion.

I can't stand being me how could I ever ask someone to be around me when I'm in so much pain constantly. I feel I would hurt anyone that truly did care.

This is my daily fight against myself.

Against my bpd.

Always dreaming of a connection I'm scared to have.

A connection I don't know that I deserve.

#mine #my life

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fuckandfable · 7 months

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Another weekend of deep space consciousness and intentional articulation and I’m convinced I’m an astronaut continuously tumbling throughout my own head space. 🚀

Grand rising my infinity and beyond. The sun has risen above the bush line before I woke. The sun peaked through my window just right this morning, shining right into my eyes. Ok. Ok. I’m up.

I found myself thinking of him this morning. Convincing myself to stay out by digging a little more into my wounds than I would like. I choose to move on quickly.

I’m not sure what do really do with my time when it is just me. I tend to move slower and regulate my processing. Sometimes forcing my mind to walk in sync with me. Slow and steady wins the race.

This weekend was full of deep but small realizations. I like putting my mindset in a position of power. I have found if you also do this with your imagination, you can manifest what it is you’re looking for. I like to imagine that I am a highly knowledgeable scientist studying the connection between words, human behavior and the human mind. Expecting nothing but appreciating everything from my results. I don’t let failed thoughts get in the way of my work. Only I know and feel when the desired result is achieved.

I think about my time on social media more than I want to. I think about people more than I want to. I think about collaboration more than I want to. Constantly hushing a natural longing within myself. I stopped trying to figure out what it is, and try to allow those parts of me to grow into something more advantageous. Finding more creative ways for these to be expressed and understood.

I have found the less effort you put into your sadness, the more it starts to make sense. I really believe that life moves at such an incredible speed that we are overwhelmed by the body wanting to be decompressed or relieved that we hardly understand the purpose of depression.

Depression is not so scary if you listened closely. Most tend to avoid this occurrence. They aren’t listening to themselves in a productive manner. Our minds need upgrading every so often and I think depression is that signal. I think some keep their lives so chaotic that they almost drown out the need to recompose. I don’t know. Maybe I am just being too sensitive about it all.

I can only really live within my hypotheses. A proposed explanation made on the basis of limited evidence, yet a starting point for further investigation. I’m a mad neuroscientist in my own home. This way of thinking puts my mind at a position of power while accepting that I am not in control. I am simply experiencing the world as a case study instead of a control group.

The biggest thing I’m working on now is regulating my patience and desire for results. When it doesn’t go my way I tend to become easily defeated. But which each defeat, I am able to learn instead of parish into self sabotage and pity. Don’t get me wrong, some days it is hard, but I refuse to surrender to the invisible and disadvantaged thoughts of what humans like to call failure. No such things exists. With my scientific analysis I am able to gain what I need in order to readjust the situation by incorporating my “failures” simply as life experiences. This gives my mind the ability to embrace what the world calls failure in order to realign me with my higher self, or with my successes.

No one determines what your success looks like. Only you hold the progressive visions and tools you need to manifest your reality. Ambition cradles the fragility of it all. Desire can by rerouted to move with you and not against you. Patience and understanding are gained as a result of this process.

I believe that if we believed in ourselves as much as we as humanity believed in God, then we would truly be able to live by “gods will.” Everyone talks so heavily about ego, and never considers the will of man. What is the will of man? Is the will of man in fact the serpent? Metaphorically it seems possible that the modern day mind is slowly turning the will of man into the beast.

We label our will with words like “temptation” and “sin” but I still don’t understand these words and how they work. I these words are subjective. Why is it so important that we maneuver so deliberately around these words? According to God, temptation looks very much like a juicy apple in times of hunger. Sin looks very much like eating the juicy apple. Well from my perspective that simply looks very much like human nature, so why does this fill us with moral regret?

I have no clue what I’m talking about. I’m just simply moving my brain. Maybe too much today. I look forward to a day of moving about in my physical body. Experiencing life the way it just is without trying to feel pressured to “make it better” because society might say I’m not experiencing it right. No, I’m simply inexperienced and in order to gain experience you must expose.

To me, exposing my mind and thoughts to someone is equivalent to lifting up my shirt and showing them my breasts. It’s intimate, sacred, vulnerable and thrilling because people tend to be stuck in this mundane facade and they don’t even know it.

Ugh. 😣 I need a deeper kind of rest today. I need to recalibrate.

Life is absolutely stunning and most days I find myself affected by how closed their minds are. Sometimes I take it personally and it makes me feel a bit crazy, but I’m always able to give myself comfort and I’m really good at healing myself when I am hurt. I know my power because I use it on myself daily. If I do fall into a sadness it is solely to learn more about myself than I did before, it is not to feel sorry for myself. I am always in close observation of myself but I pay closer attention to others. I do not compare, I only learn from.

I hope that anyone reading my writing learns something new and intimate about themselves. I hope they start using their knowledge to repair the interpersonal connections caused by inexperience. Keep getting wiser my friend.

-x

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