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#spilled writing

Profound Emptiness

There’s pit in my stomach

From missing you

A hole so big

I couldn’t fill it with enough smoke

To feel full

I think I need you

Or I’ll forget how to exhale

Forever I’ll hold my breath

And if I don’t release the smoke

I can fool myself into thinking

I’m full

Because when you’re not here

I feel like I’m missing a piece of myself

And every time the sky gets black

When the sun goes down

I swear if I ever got it back

I could never let it go

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“He heals me where you burned me. He helps me where you broke me. He is my saving grace where you were once my devil. This boy pieces me together where you tore me apart, and I will forever thank him for that.”

-K.Aiden

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rounding circles

biting tongues

fingers break

acid erupts.

stomach flat

screaming inaudible

release the pressure, unscrew the childproof cap.


rounding circles

biting tongues

fingers break

acid erupts.

close the drawer

lock the cabinets

feel the water

and say goodbye.


rounding circles

biting tongues

fingers break

acid erupts.

touch his shoulder

undo the knot

apologize,

apologize,

apologize.

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“I want to love you between my sheets, baby. Shower you with kisses and leave marks where nobody can see them. I want to be the one that makes you see the stars and the moon. Be the one who knows what you like and how you like it. The one who knows what makes you smile like that. Be the one you seek out at night for more than just a hug. I want to be more and be forever. I want to be yours baby, forever and ever. I want to be the one you love between the sheets.”

- g.d (sheets)

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so much of me is crumbling

so much of me is changing

(i’m airborne)

(i’m flying)

i’m here

because i built myself strong

my neck lifts me up

because i know this sharp, sinewy air

i breathe it

i smile

because this body finally feels right


this body that holds me up

this body is inked

it’s lined

it’s long

and it’s new

i sew it up stronger

stain it with red and snarl

i’m out to kill

and i won’t stop until i’ve buried every piece of myself under that grass

-

(this is a poem about being a performer; i was in a drum corps show this summer about killing an intruder it’s a long story but anyway the poem’s not actually about like murdering someone don’t worry)

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“Angels get stitches and demons are wounds; sometimes I wonder if that’s all there is to it-”

‘Horns and Halos,’ - Megan’s Poetry #655

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The map that leads to you

I keep walking past the same places

Thinking of you

In shapes that are in map form

It’s like deja vu

But we’ve never been here before

Not in this view

I feel like I am going in circles

Trying not to think of you

But I am in the same place

That I was a year ago

And I can deny it all I want

But you’ll always be my favourite haunt

And none of these paths

I’ve been walking along

Are nearly as beautiful as I find you

From dusk until dawn

I wish I could find you

I wish I could read your mind too

Cos I cant live split in two

Pretending that I don’t know you

When I already do

Cos just like a map

My mind has been shaped by lines

And I have been twisting

Everything that I could find

Everything I knew to be true

Just to fit into the shape

My heart wanted my mind to

- nail-in-the-wall ~ © ~ [21.9.19] (This poem is about overthinking and how it can ruin relationships. Most of the time my judgement is right. But when i overthink every interaction or missed interaction, that is when it can go wrong. That is what I was doing today, so I wrote this as a reminder.)

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I will not tell you our love story, because - like all real love stories - it will die with us, as it should.

John Green - The fault in Our Stars

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Where are you sitting?

In my room, on a black chair that I’ve had for many, many, years.
I’m at my desk which is also black. My desk has a couple plants, including an avocado plant that I’m trying to get to sprout.
There are multiple drinking containers on my desk. At least 4. They include different flavors of tea and coffee. I usually drink coffee in the morning and then tea in the afternoon. I’m worried about the extra calories though and have been putting some thought into low-calories alternatives.

Why are you on the computer today?

Because the internet is actually on today so I don’t have to go into the house to sit at a table and write everything out with a pencil or pen. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It’s just so inconvenient. Sometimes my thought come pretty fast so I want to be able to get them on some type of medium quickly.
I have been enjoying writing with a pencil this past week, however. It’s just a different feel. But I can type a lot faster than I write.

How do you feel right now?

That’s a hard question. I feel like I’m a combination of feelings. Lethargic, hopeful, and worried are a few.
I get frustrated when I have no motivation to write or don’t have any inspiration. I guess that’s just a human experience though and I can’t beat myself up for that. And that’s why I’m doing these writing exercises. I can’t ridicule myself for actually putting in some kind of effort.
I’m trying.
And that’s what matters.
I may be a bit pessimistic going into it but I’m still doing something. I’m trying.

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It’s not your fault. Everything that happened to you or will happen is not your fault. I’m here from the future and I’m telling you that everything is going to be okay. It’s all going to work out. I know you’re unable to defend yourself, but that’s why I’m here. I’m here to speak for you when no one else would.
You’ve been through a lot and I’m here to relieve some of the pain and frustration.
Everyone told you to smile, so you did. But now you can’t turn it off. It’s okay to be sad.
It’s okay to be helpless you couldn’t help it. And I guarantee you when you’re older things will be different.
I see you smile in photos of you but you’re eyes look so sad.
You looked afraid. You shouldn’t have been treated the way you were but I’m here with you now. You can breathe.
Let’s be together, forever.
Adults can be cruel, but not all adults are like that. Adults were confusing.
I’m happy that you were born.
I’m glad that you exist.
I’m happy that you are here.
Thank you for being born.
Thank you for existing.
You are so precious beyond compare.
You will survive and write this.
It’s okay to cry, all children do.
I’m so sad I lost you for so long, but I am here, forever.
Forever and ever and ever.
I will never leave you or abandon you.

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“You may be the most beautiful wave in the ocean, with the most beautiful unwrapping in the shore, you may even wash the sand off my feet, but if you don’t wash away my pain and if you don’t bring the sunset in your tides, I don’t want you.”

Freya Carvalho

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Scars

Someone look at me please!

I shout into the void,

As I make sure to be as small as I possibly could be,

Easily unnoticeable,

Occupying the least anount of space-

Merging with the background.

“Please, I’m hurting.” I sob silently.

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“I’m the only one of me, baby that’s the fun of me.”

it’s the 5th of september

and i am writing instructions

on how to miss me

every bare back

is not mine

every girl

with her hands

in a poem

is not me

but you’ll wonder

you’ll hope

you’ll tap that

hope on the shoulder

and it’ll feel like a brick chest

every time she isn’t me

if you see a yellow

flower pressed

between pages

if you see a broken

dish, shards of something

no longer beautiful

i am missing you too

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